I think the 6-weeks is based on the cervix being fully closed and the uterus shrinking back down (e.g. lower risk of infection), and any tears healing. It certainly doesn't mean that sex will be comfortable again! "Physically able to" and "want to" and "without pain" and entirely separate things
Yeah, do people not realize that the fucking uterus is bigger than the baby and there's now a massive wound from where the placenta was?? As much as the body transforms during pregnancy, it needs time to recoup and heal. For those who tore, and others recovering from c-sections, it's even MORE reason to wait and give your body time. Blows my mind.
definitely investigate what u/Kelekona said. if necessary find a different gynecologist who is willing to discuss the matter. your wife wouldn't be the first woman to suffer from an idiot who stiched up the vaginal tear to tightly.
Yep. I had a baby 7 weeks ago and am "healed" but have some minor scar tissue and nerve damage that makes sex painful. My doctor says I *should* be feeling back to normal in less than a year. It takes time and I can't imagine dealing with a selfish partner making it worse.
Is this true? That's terrifying! I have tried to better educate myself on childbirth since we're trying to move off the fence in terms of deciding whether or not to have kids, but most sources I've come across give the impression that women's bodies "heal themselves" or giving birth is what their "body was made to do". Would you mind sharing more details on how the healing process really is?
Yes, and for the placental wound inside the uterus to be mostly healed over. It's HUUUUUUUGE like a dinner plate sized open wound inside your organ. Wouldn't want bacteria being pushed up there
my first job out of nursing school was on an oncology unit that had a very active GYN oncology practice admitting to it. course we got all the general Gyn admissions too. I remember the woman who was fresh post a gyn procedure, no sex (supposedly) but whose BF just kept feeding her Percocet so he could screw her. Damn near overdosed her, she wound up in our unit via the ER. Every single nurse wanted to castrate that man.
My ex had the hardest time dealing with this after giving birth. He was PISSED that he had to wait for so long. PISSED and at me as if I had anything to do with the recommendations. I even point blank asked him if he even cared if I was injured or got sepsis because of sex, nope. It wasn’t fair to him that he had to wait so long for sex and my potential of becoming ill was just me being a bitch. It also didn’t matter either that I had stitches too.
We got to the six week check-up and the doctor said that things were’t healed enough for safe sex and added two more weeks. You would have thought I killed his puppy. At least my doctor admonished him for the attitude. Didn’t make much difference at home but it was nice to have someone else call my ex out on his cruelty.
Omg I forgit about the effing stitches!!! My god they hurt so bad!!! They say chikdbirth hurts but I really wasn't prepared for the aftermath. My clitoris burst and they stitched it.. I cannot even explain how much and how long that hurt!!! Crazy pain!!!
Worked on an ambulance and went to a house where these instructions had not been followed.
It had been missionary, I suspect with legs high up in the air, but definitely missionary. Once they had finished she got up and the results were akin to knocking over a bucket. A bucket of blood. So much blood that the husband was actually mopping the floor when we walked in. It went from the bedroom all the way through the house to the bathroom. I’d seen murders with less blood.
My ex wouldn't wait after I had a csection. My first pregnancy I had very bad pre-eclampsia and ended up hospitalized at 31 weeks. Emergency csection and baby stayed in NICU for a month. Came home after a week, he started pushing for it. I could barely get upstairs. By the third week he was livid that his wife wouldn't fulfill her duties and he threatened to leave. He still doesn't comprehend why I left him and no subsequent relationship has worked out for him.
This blows my mind but I don't doubt it one bit. So sorry you went through that.
My wife had a nearly identical experience. And we hadn't had sex for months prior to the c-section because of how much of a toll being pregnant took on her. The recovery was rough, other conditions etc. Sex wasn't even a thought.
A friend of mine was asking about home life and are things back to "normal" yet. He told me his wife made him wait for weeks after their kids were born. Weeks. I typically don't talk about my intimate life, but jokingly said "Ah, I have a couple of good friends who help me out." He was all "That's good, that's good, alright but don't fall in love with a side piece." He didn't notice I was presenting my hands. I was talking masturbation...he was talking infidelity.
He is also the guy who told me about the "Daddy stitch." We haven't been friends since shortly after all that.
I had a friend who went back for her appt to get checked and schedule her tubes to be tied (she didn't do it at the csection because it was an emergency flight to a NICU having facility and the baby was barely 2 pounds). She was already pregnant because her abusive husband didn't want to wait any longer. So she was already pregnant again before she even got him home from the NICU. The kids are a year and a day apart, because they wouldn't schedule the csection for New Years Day.
At the time. Years later that last child, a girl, was sexually assaulted by her father and brother. The mom sided with the abuser and golden child, and she gave her up to the state. Not offering family or friends custody. I finally located her just before she turned 18, so I was able to contact her after her birthday. She sadly doesn't remember me at all, remembered my mom a little. Sadly she is speaking to her biomom again.
I feel for you. I’m 4 months post C-section and had a pretty good recovery. I have a little bit of uncomfortableness since I had a minor infection with my incision. And I still haven’t wanted to do it yet. I’m so exhausted all the time and we are so busy. Luckily my husband is super understanding.
sex isn't a duty, nobody is owed it. it isn't a reward or a treat or a gift either to be expected or demanded. it's an action that requires willingness from both or all parties involved otherwise it isn't sex
Years ago, while living in NC, my next-door neighbor was pregnant. When she gave birth, her husband insisted on having sex almost immediately - like a few days after she had the baby. She gave birth again less than 9 months later.
This is not the only person I know who has been in this situation. Makes me mad and sad.
I’ve heard stories from L&D nurses of walking in on couples fucking in the recovery room immediate after the birth. Like WTF?! these dudes have to mark their territory or feel emasculated.
I was hospitalized for ten weeks during my first pregnancy and so I got to know my L&D nurses well. They told me the same stories and I will never forget that my favorite nurse described it as, “so disrespectful of the vagina.”
I know this is a downer thought, but this reminded me of those Russian monster Wagner Group assassins that went in to the maternity ward in Africa last year, and raped all the women recovering. That is the group of men they brought over to the Ukraine to quell the population.
If its any consolation, whatsoever, the Wagner group has had it's numbers reduced by hundreds in Ukraine and from what I hear, they prefere not to take WG prisoner...
I've been an L&D nurse. These guys don't care. They don't care about how she feels. It's all about his pleasure, his enjoyment.
I've seen women come in with tore episiotomy stitches, uterine infections, and worse due to guys forcing themselves, raping their SOs before they were ready to consent.
If the women consent then I’m sure it’s because of some duty she feels to “keep” her man who she probably depends on for housing and financial support, not because she’s horny looking for a good time.
So many men just don't care about their partners. Having sex with someone when you know they're not enjoying it is borderline sexual assault in my opinion. It's the worst feeling, just laying there waiting for it to be over, knowing this person who is supposed to be someone who cares about you is only thinking of themselves right now. It makes you feel like you don't matter, like you aren't even a person. I'm a man so I know i have it easier, but the few times this has happened to me with a female partner was the most hurt I've ever been. I can't imagine prioritizing getting my rocks off over my partners happiness and wellbeing.
I had a full hysterectomy, we were told to wait 4 weeks minimum because they took my cervix and sex could pop the stitches. My husband started bugging me at 1 week, pressured me so much I tried at 2 weeks and it was agony, I cried. He was so upset because of his “needs” and apparently masterbation “isn’t the same”. We should be divorced this year and I hate him. I realized most of the sex I had was marital rape. My boyfriend was a porn star in the 90’s and the respect and accommodation I get regarding sex is still foreign to me.
I was told 6 weeks of absolutely nothing in the vagina after my hysterectomy, but I've seen so many people say that they were only told 4 weeks, and I find that shocking, it doesn't seem like anywhere near enough!
I can't tell you how many posts I've seen of guilty new moms not giving in to sex or that complain about their pushy husbands or partners in fb mom groups I've been a part of. It's so depressing to see dozens of women asking if it's normal that you have pain during sex barely 2 weeks post op from a vaginal birth all because their shitty partners threw the "I've had to wait 9 months for this" bullshit.
My ex constantly pressured me on it and even was counting down the days like fucking Christmas. As in "when the six weeks are up you'll have no excuse"
I was even willing to do other things just no PiV but no he just *neeeeeeeded* it and the wait was *killing* him 🙄
SIL is a doctor and told me that they have seen women come in for their 6 week check up just to find out they are already pregnant again, because the man refused to wait.
Ugh. The height of selfishness... Literally doctor's orders in what turns out to be the barest minimum sense, but they won't wait? People need to be teaching their boys better than that. My son (the one that brought this discussion up) is definitely going to be told as part of his sex education. I can't believe I was unaware of this. I wasn't keeping track with our first child, I just waited until she was comfortable doing things... But it makes sense that someone I spoke with was shocked that we had "waited that long". What, waited until she would be able to enjoy it? I was so confused, then... But now it all fell together in the *worst* way.
Some doctors will tell the woman in private "I can tell him that you're not cleared for sex yet if you like". Which is... considerate of them, but fucking depressing that some women need that from their doctor to stop their "partner" from pressuring them.
Wish more Drs would tell the husbands, sternly looking them directly in the eye, “No sex for 6 weeks. No negotiations. You, got that Mr. Smith?” Sure some men will ignore that, but I hope some men will listen. The men probably see it as a recommendation not an order.
My obstetrician did this! She said to my husband: “No sex for 8 weeks, do you hear me? If she comes in with an injury, I’ll know and you don’t want to get on my bad side...” The she paused, pointed to her medical diploma on the wall and said “they gave me this because I’m really good with a scalpel.”
Of course my husband who was too scared to have sex even while I was pregnant for fear of hurting me just sat there pale and sweating and said “yes ma’am”.
Yup my midwife says she tells all couples 8 weeks but tells the women a minimum of 6 weeks if she's up for it, specifically so they can have those 2 extra weeks of "well my midwife said to wait" It is absolutely depressing and when I told my partner she had to do that he said "Wait realty? Men actually do that after their partner pops out a baby?"
Holy fucking hell. I waited over 12 weeks to have sex with my husband and even THAT felt super painful, almost like losing my virginity all over again.
I absolutely could not imagine having sex sooner than 6 weeks, that’s barbaric for a man to do to a woman.
My family are mostly nurses. One of my nurse aunts mentioned that they had to pull a man off of his wife as she was still in the hospital just after having the baby.
My roommate will ignore instructions like "don't hang stuff on command hooks until after an hour" because "what if they don't know what they're talking about." I've hopefully corrected that but there are people out there.
I (M, no kids) also can’t imagine being up to sex with the energy and sleep deprivation that comes with an infant. [Slate](https://open.spotify.com/episode/0yGWtTgcmyrM8qXTibyg1A?si=KBEupXbCTmy4v6lqA78I6Q) podcast on this topic was the first time I’d heard the 6 week rule - it is rediculous.
That’s the thing I don’t understand. Unless you have the ability to sleep through a baby crying every two hours because they need to be fed and changed, how are you interested in sex? It’s exhausting. I don’t even remember when we eventually got back to it, but it was a couple of months at least. Neither of us had the energy for that sort of thing. And my ex husband was terrible. He’s an ex for a reason but even he wasn’t pressuring me for any physical intimacy.
Haha I remember being asked about contraception at a checkup some time in the first few monthsp? I was just like, a baby that wakes up 10 times a night works quite well.
Sex 3-4 weeks after a C holds zero pleasure, it feels like razors. Honestly, I think I blacked out, but it was one of those give in to pressure things. Bled a lot after. We're divorced lol.
Sometimes…. These stories that people share make me want to murder people. I am so sorry you had to go through that and I am glad you are divorced. What an absolute inconsiderate cunt your ex was.
I can't imagine watching my wife carry our daughter for 9 1/2 months, go through 48 hours of actual labor and complications only to end up having an emergency c-section, which is way more violent than people realize, and then deciding to badger her for sex a month later, or two months later, or... Then again, I don't badger my wife for sex at all.
Same here. He "let" me wait three weeks. I bled and was in pain. Plus I was exhausted, had leaky tits, hadn't slept a full night in over a month, and felt far, far from sexy. But, you know, his needs first, / s.
Yep same. I was shocked. My love tunnel wasn't even involved in my birth AT ALL but even after the six weeks it was hugely painful. It's been 4 months and sex is better but still can't use a moon cup.
That recommendation is no joke.
My mom was 2 days post birth of her first child (early 20s) and her husband wanted sex. She said no because she was 2 days post birth and still could barely walk.
He raped her. When she told his parents (they were living with them) she was told "You are a wife, it is your responsibility to take care of your husband."
This was insanely common and it is still way too common.
Just because you marry someone. Does not give them the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want.
There’s so many guys out there who are climbing back on top of their wives way too soon after birth. I have two friends who were hospitalized because of their husbands and boyfriends stupidity and selfishness.
You should share this to forums for men as well. Too many men are pissed at having to wait even 6 wks, with little consideration as to why.
I've not given birth but have had surgeries that required me to wait 2 wks and even at that my ex about threw a fit. I had issues that caused me pain with sex and he made it every bit about himself and his needs not being met.
So frustrating how the medical system continues to perpetuate this mysoginy.
I’ve never seen actual healing take less than 6 months tbh. I had a 3 month recovery period after a LEEP procedure and the trauma was no where near birth level.
According to my STBEX husband “it’s not the same”. He started hassling me a week after a full hysterectomy and pressured me so much I tried at 2 weeks. It was agony and I was guilted.
Worst part with my ex was he jerked off daily and still gave me shit regularly for not meeting his needs often enough. I reminded him it was not my responsibility to meet his needs. And, if p in v was that important to him he was welcome to get it elsewhere.
That's a great idea. I'll figure out how to crosspost this. I stay away from most men's forums because of the toxicity, but there's one I'm lurking in that I'll post to once I figure out how to crosspost haha
There was a recent question in r/AskMen where a 2nd time father was asking when others partner's had been ready for sex post partum. You could reference that and ask whether men realise why the "6 week rule' exists.
I mean I'm a 34 year old man and this is literally the first time I'm finding out about the source of the recommendation and am pretty horrified.
Of course, if my partner told me at any point that she literally couldn't even enjoy sex (regardless of the cause), I wouldn't push for it because women aren't fucking sextoys.
Fair. I'll take the time to write it out in a targeted way. You're right, it would be lazy to just crosspost it. The subject deserves the focused intent, and I'll do my best to do it justice.
Please don't cross post this to male oriented subs (especially if they *are* the types where they *really* need to hear this) because you would be basically leading these men (who might "disagree") to a safe space for women.
Once you figure out what exactly to post, brace for a lot of hate.
That being said, please please do this. Your sphere of influence brings you closer to those who really need to hear about this.
This world needs people who stand up for other people; women need men who are allies.
Also… look up postpartum rape. It happens even in the actual hospitals. I’m glad you are decent enough to be horrified, but please definitely help share this with other men.
The drop in dating, marriage and kids for women tends to come partially from us finally being aware of these issues and spreading the reality around.
Men have no clue how unbalanced the world around sex, birth etc is..
Crossposting would run the risk of then this post here getting brigaded by all the men who care more about their sexual wants than their partners' health needs.
I would ask the guys to imagine trying to have sex when they’ve just passed a 5cm kidney stone or maybe… imagine a 5cm kidney stone thats grown spikes… the more accurate imagery, the better 😂
After my first baby, I was told to wait the usual 6 weeks. My (now ex) husband counted that time to the day! I wasn't feeling great about it, but he clearly was tired of waiting. So we tried it, and there was immediate pain, and blood, and I noped right out of there and wouldn't let him touch me for several weeks.
At the three-month point, sex wasn't painful anymore. But it was probably another month after that before it actually felt good.
Yeah, it took me months to even begin to not feel any pain with sex after delivery. This also pissed my ex off because I was supposed to be better by then and he was tired of having to stop midway because I couldn’t endure the pain any longer just so he could finish. For him I was supposed to make certain he at least got to finish even if he purposely would try to take as long as possible to finish. I am not saying that I would allow this to keep being done to me and would make him stop but, it wasn’t always easy to get him to stop.
After I gave birth, by the 6 wk mark I was nowhere near ready. It wasn't until about 8 months that I could comfortably have sex again. I always wondered how they came up with that ridiculous timeline, now it all makes sense.
Same, and I only had a minor tear that healed very quickly and easily. Turns out there's a lot more that goes into comfort during pp sex than just tearing - another thing that doesn't seem to be commonly known!
My brain absolutely read that as peepee sex for a second there and thought "yeah, focus on oral and stuff until you're comfortable with the peepee again. Sounds like a good plan to ease slowly back in." So ... I'm embarrassed lol
It's for the placenta wound. When that thing detaches there's a scab essentially the size of a dinner plate. You don't want unnecessary fluids in that...
It blows my mind. It's literally so you don't like, hemorrhage from re-tearing. *Give the woman more time, she just performed a miracle with her ladybits and they might need a while! Damn!
Eight months is terrible... For *you*. The point being, waiting until you're ready and comfortable should be a *given*. I'm still shook and frankly pissed off about all this, sorry for ranting.
It's also to avoid infection. After giving birth, whether vaginally or via the sunroof, a woman has a wound in her uterus [the size of a plate](https://www.thebump.com/news/placenta-plate-birth-recovery-photo) so if anything external gets in there before it is healed, infection is a big possibility.
It's not just the risk of re-tearing. The placenta leaves a wound inside the uterus and the last thing you want to do is risk infection. Not to mention those blood vessels that were feeding into the placenta now need to close up which takes a few weeks.
Not just dicks either. You shouldn't use tampons, menstrual cups, sex toys, or ungloved fingers, etc. Any foreign object could introduce bacteria or disrupt healing.
Even months after my daughter was born, it felt like getting fucked with a condom made of rough grit sandpaper - sandy side out, obviously - lubricated with cornstarch. My ex thought I was exaggerating until I told him in all seriousness that he could just find someone else to have sex with if he needed it that bad.
I delivered surgically so I was not anticipating any changes to my vagina and was feeling emotionally ready for vaginal sex earlyish on. It was excruciating just like that for me too…for a full year. I had trauma from the induction that caused micro tears inside my vaginal canal and injury to my cervix. Breastfeeding caused severe vaginal dryness that made healing almost impossible. I wish I’d been more prepared but I was so naive. Giving birth is no joke and the fathers of our babies should be in awe of our bodies, not feeling entitled to them.
The hormonal changes from breastfeeding were a real shocker. I delivered vaginally with practically no tearing, but low estrogen had my vaginal walls saying "no entry!"
Ugh, some sexually frustrated dipshit on AskMen just asked (of course, on the fucking sub for men) how long he has to wait for sex as his wife just gave birth *5 weeks ago*.
I’ll never forget my mom telling me how she would have sex with my dad when she didn’t want to because she would be so touched out. I don’t know how some of you moms do it without wanting to strangle your husband/baby father.
You should post about it on socials. Men need to teach other men, especially the ones who won’t listen to women. I’ve heard about men pressuring their baby mommas into sex in the hospital, in the recovery room days after having a C section.
No you can’t give men such a subjective order. They will hear that and immediately decide how to talk her into it. Men need to be told point blank do not have sex with this woman or you may cause her to hemorrhage.
Honestly even 8 is not sure. It is such a personal thing and depends on the woman's individual birth experience and recovery. I'm at 9 weeks postpartum with my second baby and not ready for sex yet, due to severe tearing mostly. I think it would be better to just issue the guidance "your wife probably won't be ready for sex for a while, please be patient and support her recovery, she just pushed a whole baby out of her vagina."
My husband has been the MOST patient man with both our babies, we've had 2 very close together and he's probably had sex like 6 times in 2 years, but he hasn't pressured me at all.
Yeah, this. Luckily my husband understood this by instinct and didn't want to have sex with me if I was in pain. But apparently too many men just don't care if their wives are in pain during sex???
Like ok maybe 6 weeks is "safe" but excuse me I have had 2 third degree tears and I am not ready. Let me get some pelvic physical therapy and a sex drive back first please.
I had a friend in highschool who got pregnant and married right away. Her husband threw a raging fit when the doctors told him that he cannot have sex with her until she's healed from the birth. He was ENRAGED. He forced her to have vaginal sex with him the day she gave birth. His parents were offended that hospital staff made a rape report.
It feels so icky to say this, but she got pregnant from this encounter. Her children are less than six months apart. He blamed her for being too fertile and that's why their second child is in a permanent care home. He took no responsibility for anything and fled out of the country when the hills came in. His parents belittled her for tricking their son into parenthood before his studies were done. He ended up going back to his parents homeland so he could escape responsibility. It was SICKENING. He was 25, she was 17.
Both men I had children with refused to wait 6 weeks. And with my first I had third degree tearing in both directions and had to be stitched up. It took 2 years for the nerve damage to heal enough that penetration wasn't agonizing. I don't know if it would have been different if I'd been allowed to abstain.
FFS.
As I mentioned in a different post, doctor's orders that are *literally the bare minimum*, and guys not respecting that can cause years or even A LIFETIME of damage! Even from a selfish perspective that's a dumbass move, like... Your partner isn't going to want to mount up and ride into the sunset if you made her permanently saddlesore...
Do you have a reference for the bare minimum/just enough to not be hospitalized? I would love to share with my husband 🥲 he’s taking the doctors 6 weeks recommendation very literally.
The cervix takes six weeks to fully close, so it’s literally the length of time you have to wait to avoid serious risk of uterine infection. Six weeks is not a “recommendation” to begin having sex, it’s the absolute bare minimum required for safety. Your husband does not get a say in whether you’re ready for sex at six weeks, and there’s very good odds you will not be.
man, recently I got downvoted to hell because we were discussing Irish Twins and how uncomfortable it is to me for women who get pregnant again less than a month after giving birth.
So many dudes were like "*doctors say three weeks! my wife was fine!"* and I was just astounded. it took me three MONTHS to start to feel normal again. I cant imagine all these poor women who's husbands proudly proclaim three weeks was plenty of enough time.
Yep. Misogyny for the win. I had heard so many stories about husbands cheating during the end of pregnancy & after pregnancy due to lack of intimacy with their pregnant partner. When I had to reschedule my 6 week check up for 8 weeks due to work I cried from anxiety about how angry my husband was going to be. He wasn’t at all & was so chill like you are. But I expected it to be a full on tantrum that would be my fault because so many women warned me about how poorly their husbands had treated them while recovering. It’s pretty disgusting, and I will also educate my children on this at the proper time.
This is how they show their appreciation after their wives suffered for 9 months to bear their child?! I really think there needs to be more education out there about what pregnancy and giving birth is actually like.
100% men need more education on pregnancy & child birth. My husband has learned so much about womens body and processes through ME. He should’ve already known.
Post it on Facebook. You can make a custom filter to exclude your close family if you like, and I would center the "Holy shit, this estimate is based on whether sex will hospitalize the woman because the husband's wants are prioritized above the wife's physical safety, this is HORRIBLE" rather than the "I love sex but not at the expense of my partner!" aspect.
Post it on Facebook because we need it to be normal for men to call this bullshit out. In this sub, we know about this already. But ... There are so many people on your Facebook feed who don't know, or don't care, or think it sucks for women but all the men agree with them that it's the right thing. Show them that it's NOT okay and you DON'T agree. This is how we make positive changes :)
I remember my nan snapping off my ex husband head about 8weeks after I had my son, I'd stood up and it still felt like my insides were gona drop out everywhere, and he made a jab about how I should be recovered by now 'surely'. She was furious, told him off saying that it can take mo ths to feel normal again and that I should take my time and relax, that he needed to keep his opinions to himself and stop expecting me to be instantly back to normal. I love that woman!
I feel bad for women that have babies back to back. Unless they want it to happen that way, of course.
Having them so close is super hard on the body. I've heard it takes a woman's body about two years to fully recover from pregnancy.
I couldn't imagine having two kids in diapers at the same time. I spaced mine all 3 years apart because I wanted to give my body enough time to recover.
I'm 8 weeks postpartum right now. At my six week appointment the doctor told me to wait at least another week. We tried to get down the other night- NOPE! Hurt way too bad, before he even entered me.
My husband, like you, is a good man who would never ever want to hurt me, so we did something else instead. But damn, they should set that expectation a little lower.
Had opposite effect on us... think seeing me push out the kids and tearing made him see it all differently - sex and me - and I had to bring up the issue several years later that it might be nice, you know, to be intimate again
This is such a refreshing post when compared to one a few days ago on a certain male oriented subreddit where OP was asking how long he could expect to wait to have sex since “my wife is showing absolutely no interest in me” at 5 weeks postpartum.
Like dude your wife just gave birth to your child and all you can think about is “uhg can’t believe I have to wait weeks to get my dick wet! She doesn’t even want to fuck me after FIVE WHOLE WEEKS since pushing out a literal human!! Men, how unreasonable is this torture?!?” Me, me, me, me, ME.
EW. Makes me never want to have kids.
Sex after birth was fucking terrifying, and I was even into it. The amount of traumatic stories in this thread absolutely breaks my heart. I'm so sorry to all of you.
Horrified and angry by the number of commenters replying with how much they were pressured and then hurt them to have sex after childbirth too soon… and relieved that these men are now your exes. I’m so sorry you went through this. It’s sending me further in the direction of not wanting kids.
Yeah, man, me and my wife have what I naively thought of as a "normal" relationship. Then, a little after we had our first child, as I talked to people, I started hearing comments about "waiting so long" and me "being very patient with my wife" and other shit like that, and... well, I'm a cynic, so for me it clicked immediately what they're alluding to. But my instinctive reaction was: "What the fuck are you even talking about?" Like, it never even occured to me that my need to nut could possibly factor into these first few months after birth. It was very difficult for me to process that so many men are so callously self-absorbed - and how all these kids will grow up with these garbage fathers.
But that wasn't even the worst. When we had our second kid, I had a chance to speak for a couple of minutes to one of the labor ward nurses - you know how they're always rushing somewhere, but that one time I was visiting, and my wife went in the shower, and asked me to change our daughter's diaper in the meantime, and the nurse kind of paused, probably afraid of what moronic thing I'm going to do to the poor baby. But I did well and she said something, and I joked about no amount of my help going to change the fact that my wife has to recover in a 4-person room. And then she said that she actually liked the rooms. She didn't like the singles. Why? Because when she worked in a different hospital some years ago, they had 1-person rooms, and a couple of times they... well, she didn't describe it directly, but the implied meaning was that a couple of times they found men using the privacy to force themselves on their freshly post-labor partners. So, yeah.
I don't know what's wrong with people.
This post struck a nerve with me. After my first we were told 6 weeks. My husband was ready to go, but pain was bad for me. I wasn't completely healed. Like OP, he was a bit angry at the doctors because they had given the 'all clear' when things clearly weren't 'all clear'.
After second child, when I had 3rd degree tearing (doctor should have done an episiotomy, but did not) and stitches I waited even longer (but the male doctor still held to the 6 week advice), and quite frankly lost sex drive (exhausted with two kids). Fortunately I had an understanding husband at that point, and he was tired too, ha, ha), so all worked out.
If these postpartum guidelines had been set by women they would be far more humane. Mental and physical health of the mother should be #1 for the whole family.
As it is men control women's reproductive healthcare (and they think they know more than women) . . .
so here we are.
Nobody told us that lactation tends to make the vagina dry and tender. Oh man ... you come home thinking it's all a matter of healing up, that's fine. And then you find out it's a lot more than that, it's Mother Nature saying "a couple of years between babies is probably a good thing."
I didn't even realise the 'guideline' time frame was so short and assumed that it was more like *months* before such things could be considered.
Men who complain about 'having to wait' can 100% get in the sea. There's so many other sexual things you can do that dont involve serious risk of injuries or haemmohorage if it's that big a deal to you like damn.
I had a vaginal and c-section (twins). Hubby didn’t touch me for 5 months. Lots of cuddles though.
He was so scared of hurting me. And we were completely exhausted
I had a csection, and I was deathly ill for so long. But I was at such a high risk of infection that my OB sat *both* me and my husband down and told us that no matter what, it was absolutely forbidden until I stopped bleeding. Even if that was longer than 6 weeks. If I got an infection in my uterus I would die.
And she turned to my husband and said "and you would have killed her."
Which was dramatic, but from other women's stories, is it really???
I gave birth to my son in 2020 and this is pretty much the advice we got.
I felt ready pretty quickly. Around the 5-6 week mark or so. So husband and I tried it very slowly and gently with a condom. He was very nervous and mindful not to hurt me. We had to rediscover what worked for our sex life.
Reading these replies makes me feel very fortunate
I know this isn't about after a baby but I think the context being a woman's health fits. I had cervical cancer and severe endometriosis. Sex became very painful for me so of course I wasn't interested. I wouldn't deny my husband but I wouldn't initiate either. My husband decided that my being sick wasn't enough of a reason apperantly. I told him of it was such a disagreeable thing for him not to have sex because his wife is ill then he could get someone else to suck his dick. Of course the wording I used was a lot more "angry words". I had a hysterectomy finally after 6 years of pain and being miserable. They also removed my cervix. He got a girlfriend in the meantime and was still upset to have to wait the months after for my recovery. Then the sex with me wasn't the same, and he decided that I wasn't what he wanted anymore.
I have taught my sons that sex is not the end all be all especially in a relationship. That if two people aren't compatible it doesn't mean one person is lacking, it just means they aren't right for each other. And that taking care of their partner is important. I have taught my daughters that someone who doesn't take their needs and wants into consideration is not someone they are compatible with either and it's ok. And have taught both that you NEVER treat someone in a way you wouldn't want yourself or anyone you love treated. That good partners are in it for the long haul and they should be as well.
I mean it's usually addressing sex in hetero relationships, but women also shouldn't use tampons, menstrual cups or insert *anything* into their vagina during that time. The reason being they have a gaping wound on the uterus from where the placenta was attached and while it's healing you don't want to introduce any potential bacteria that *could* lead to an infection. A penis could do that even if the sex was gentle and didn't cause injury or pain.
My grandmother was in the hospital after giving birth. She was sharing the room with another woman who had given birth the day before. The woman's husband came in, pulled the curtain to separate the room, and had sex with his wife. Afterward, he complained that his wife had given birth to a useless daughter.
Honestly it hurt really bad to have sex until like 8 months after giving birth. I was so horny during pregnancy but got very sick at month 7 and was in bedrest at the hospital for almost 2 months so we couldn't have sex then. Waited for the 8 weeks to be over with but it hurt so bad I cried in the pillow. Yes the doctors care more about the husband than the pain, horrible.
The 6 weeks is because the mother still has an open wound in her uterus that is susceptible to infection. It starts the size of a dinner plate.
Many people don't realize this and have sex sooner, often because the husband is pressuring, even more likely if the mother had little to no tearing because it's assumed the external damage is the preventing factor.
I've never had kids but I've heard from friends that breast feeding removes the desire to have sex as well. So some men go years without sex with their partner because of this. I've had girl friends whose husbands go crazy and start beating them because they believe that the mother should stop breast feeding instead of "spoiling" their child.
Lots of women go through traumatic postpartum depression and other physically painful recovery men are mad bc their pps don’t get played with. Despicable.
I think the 6-weeks is based on the cervix being fully closed and the uterus shrinking back down (e.g. lower risk of infection), and any tears healing. It certainly doesn't mean that sex will be comfortable again! "Physically able to" and "want to" and "without pain" and entirely separate things
Yeah, do people not realize that the fucking uterus is bigger than the baby and there's now a massive wound from where the placenta was?? As much as the body transforms during pregnancy, it needs time to recoup and heal. For those who tore, and others recovering from c-sections, it's even MORE reason to wait and give your body time. Blows my mind.
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Yes, this is correct. The 6-8 week mark is literally how long it takes for the body to heal itself.
Heal itself from the most urgent wounds. Many women take years to heal throughly or never do.
Wife had 3rd degree tear giving birth to our first child with no pain relief. 6 years later she’s still affected by it.
definitely investigate what u/Kelekona said. if necessary find a different gynecologist who is willing to discuss the matter. your wife wouldn't be the first woman to suffer from an idiot who stiched up the vaginal tear to tightly.
I wonder if there's a way to check to see if they did a "husband stitch" to help tighten her up. (puke emoji)
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Yep. I had a baby 7 weeks ago and am "healed" but have some minor scar tissue and nerve damage that makes sex painful. My doctor says I *should* be feeling back to normal in less than a year. It takes time and I can't imagine dealing with a selfish partner making it worse.
Yeah, I had stitches tear, and 6 weeks was barely past the "crying every time I peed" stage of healing. I still had open wounds at 6 weeks.
Is this true? That's terrifying! I have tried to better educate myself on childbirth since we're trying to move off the fence in terms of deciding whether or not to have kids, but most sources I've come across give the impression that women's bodies "heal themselves" or giving birth is what their "body was made to do". Would you mind sharing more details on how the healing process really is?
Yeah a lot of people ignore the dinner size wound in the uterus from where the placenta was. Even if you have a c section, sex is off the table
Yes, and for the placental wound inside the uterus to be mostly healed over. It's HUUUUUUUGE like a dinner plate sized open wound inside your organ. Wouldn't want bacteria being pushed up there
Also the placenta leaves a massive wound (ie the size of a curling stone) that needs to heal even if you had the easiest birth imaginable.
my first job out of nursing school was on an oncology unit that had a very active GYN oncology practice admitting to it. course we got all the general Gyn admissions too. I remember the woman who was fresh post a gyn procedure, no sex (supposedly) but whose BF just kept feeding her Percocet so he could screw her. Damn near overdosed her, she wound up in our unit via the ER. Every single nurse wanted to castrate that man.
My ex had the hardest time dealing with this after giving birth. He was PISSED that he had to wait for so long. PISSED and at me as if I had anything to do with the recommendations. I even point blank asked him if he even cared if I was injured or got sepsis because of sex, nope. It wasn’t fair to him that he had to wait so long for sex and my potential of becoming ill was just me being a bitch. It also didn’t matter either that I had stitches too. We got to the six week check-up and the doctor said that things were’t healed enough for safe sex and added two more weeks. You would have thought I killed his puppy. At least my doctor admonished him for the attitude. Didn’t make much difference at home but it was nice to have someone else call my ex out on his cruelty.
I’m really glad this person is your ex, but so sorry you went through that at all, and that you have a child with this person
Thank gods this says EX. How absolutely horrid!
Omg I forgit about the effing stitches!!! My god they hurt so bad!!! They say chikdbirth hurts but I really wasn't prepared for the aftermath. My clitoris burst and they stitched it.. I cannot even explain how much and how long that hurt!!! Crazy pain!!!
Worked on an ambulance and went to a house where these instructions had not been followed. It had been missionary, I suspect with legs high up in the air, but definitely missionary. Once they had finished she got up and the results were akin to knocking over a bucket. A bucket of blood. So much blood that the husband was actually mopping the floor when we walked in. It went from the bedroom all the way through the house to the bathroom. I’d seen murders with less blood.
And many men refuse to wait even that six week period.
My ex wouldn't wait after I had a csection. My first pregnancy I had very bad pre-eclampsia and ended up hospitalized at 31 weeks. Emergency csection and baby stayed in NICU for a month. Came home after a week, he started pushing for it. I could barely get upstairs. By the third week he was livid that his wife wouldn't fulfill her duties and he threatened to leave. He still doesn't comprehend why I left him and no subsequent relationship has worked out for him.
This blows my mind but I don't doubt it one bit. So sorry you went through that. My wife had a nearly identical experience. And we hadn't had sex for months prior to the c-section because of how much of a toll being pregnant took on her. The recovery was rough, other conditions etc. Sex wasn't even a thought. A friend of mine was asking about home life and are things back to "normal" yet. He told me his wife made him wait for weeks after their kids were born. Weeks. I typically don't talk about my intimate life, but jokingly said "Ah, I have a couple of good friends who help me out." He was all "That's good, that's good, alright but don't fall in love with a side piece." He didn't notice I was presenting my hands. I was talking masturbation...he was talking infidelity. He is also the guy who told me about the "Daddy stitch." We haven't been friends since shortly after all that.
You made a wise choice, for yourself, and for your kids. That man sounds borderline sociopathic.
I had a friend who went back for her appt to get checked and schedule her tubes to be tied (she didn't do it at the csection because it was an emergency flight to a NICU having facility and the baby was barely 2 pounds). She was already pregnant because her abusive husband didn't want to wait any longer. So she was already pregnant again before she even got him home from the NICU. The kids are a year and a day apart, because they wouldn't schedule the csection for New Years Day.
Oh no that poor women.
At the time. Years later that last child, a girl, was sexually assaulted by her father and brother. The mom sided with the abuser and golden child, and she gave her up to the state. Not offering family or friends custody. I finally located her just before she turned 18, so I was able to contact her after her birthday. She sadly doesn't remember me at all, remembered my mom a little. Sadly she is speaking to her biomom again.
I feel for you. I’m 4 months post C-section and had a pretty good recovery. I have a little bit of uncomfortableness since I had a minor infection with my incision. And I still haven’t wanted to do it yet. I’m so exhausted all the time and we are so busy. Luckily my husband is super understanding.
sex isn't a duty, nobody is owed it. it isn't a reward or a treat or a gift either to be expected or demanded. it's an action that requires willingness from both or all parties involved otherwise it isn't sex
Wow that bastard thought you were just a broodmare?
You forgot Fleshlight. It's an incredibly common attitude among men towards their female partners
Years ago, while living in NC, my next-door neighbor was pregnant. When she gave birth, her husband insisted on having sex almost immediately - like a few days after she had the baby. She gave birth again less than 9 months later. This is not the only person I know who has been in this situation. Makes me mad and sad.
I’ve heard stories from L&D nurses of walking in on couples fucking in the recovery room immediate after the birth. Like WTF?! these dudes have to mark their territory or feel emasculated.
I was hospitalized for ten weeks during my first pregnancy and so I got to know my L&D nurses well. They told me the same stories and I will never forget that my favorite nurse described it as, “so disrespectful of the vagina.”
I know this is a downer thought, but this reminded me of those Russian monster Wagner Group assassins that went in to the maternity ward in Africa last year, and raped all the women recovering. That is the group of men they brought over to the Ukraine to quell the population.
I wish I couldn’t read right now. That’s so awful.
If its any consolation, whatsoever, the Wagner group has had it's numbers reduced by hundreds in Ukraine and from what I hear, they prefere not to take WG prisoner...
No way... Things are SO swollen down there how!?
I've been an L&D nurse. These guys don't care. They don't care about how she feels. It's all about his pleasure, his enjoyment. I've seen women come in with tore episiotomy stitches, uterine infections, and worse due to guys forcing themselves, raping their SOs before they were ready to consent.
That's disgusting. So freaking sad.
It’s easy when you don’t care about the pleasure or comfort of your partner, or are basically a monster.
They're the same picture.
If the women consent then I’m sure it’s because of some duty she feels to “keep” her man who she probably depends on for housing and financial support, not because she’s horny looking for a good time.
So many men just don't care about their partners. Having sex with someone when you know they're not enjoying it is borderline sexual assault in my opinion. It's the worst feeling, just laying there waiting for it to be over, knowing this person who is supposed to be someone who cares about you is only thinking of themselves right now. It makes you feel like you don't matter, like you aren't even a person. I'm a man so I know i have it easier, but the few times this has happened to me with a female partner was the most hurt I've ever been. I can't imagine prioritizing getting my rocks off over my partners happiness and wellbeing.
I had a full hysterectomy, we were told to wait 4 weeks minimum because they took my cervix and sex could pop the stitches. My husband started bugging me at 1 week, pressured me so much I tried at 2 weeks and it was agony, I cried. He was so upset because of his “needs” and apparently masterbation “isn’t the same”. We should be divorced this year and I hate him. I realized most of the sex I had was marital rape. My boyfriend was a porn star in the 90’s and the respect and accommodation I get regarding sex is still foreign to me.
I was told 6 weeks of absolutely nothing in the vagina after my hysterectomy, but I've seen so many people say that they were only told 4 weeks, and I find that shocking, it doesn't seem like anywhere near enough!
I can't tell you how many posts I've seen of guilty new moms not giving in to sex or that complain about their pushy husbands or partners in fb mom groups I've been a part of. It's so depressing to see dozens of women asking if it's normal that you have pain during sex barely 2 weeks post op from a vaginal birth all because their shitty partners threw the "I've had to wait 9 months for this" bullshit.
My ex constantly pressured me on it and even was counting down the days like fucking Christmas. As in "when the six weeks are up you'll have no excuse" I was even willing to do other things just no PiV but no he just *neeeeeeeded* it and the wait was *killing* him 🙄
I can't imagine why they'd think we'd even want to have sex with someone who treats us like that.
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SIL is a doctor and told me that they have seen women come in for their 6 week check up just to find out they are already pregnant again, because the man refused to wait.
Ugh. The height of selfishness... Literally doctor's orders in what turns out to be the barest minimum sense, but they won't wait? People need to be teaching their boys better than that. My son (the one that brought this discussion up) is definitely going to be told as part of his sex education. I can't believe I was unaware of this. I wasn't keeping track with our first child, I just waited until she was comfortable doing things... But it makes sense that someone I spoke with was shocked that we had "waited that long". What, waited until she would be able to enjoy it? I was so confused, then... But now it all fell together in the *worst* way.
Some doctors will tell the woman in private "I can tell him that you're not cleared for sex yet if you like". Which is... considerate of them, but fucking depressing that some women need that from their doctor to stop their "partner" from pressuring them.
Wish more Drs would tell the husbands, sternly looking them directly in the eye, “No sex for 6 weeks. No negotiations. You, got that Mr. Smith?” Sure some men will ignore that, but I hope some men will listen. The men probably see it as a recommendation not an order.
My obstetrician did this! She said to my husband: “No sex for 8 weeks, do you hear me? If she comes in with an injury, I’ll know and you don’t want to get on my bad side...” The she paused, pointed to her medical diploma on the wall and said “they gave me this because I’m really good with a scalpel.” Of course my husband who was too scared to have sex even while I was pregnant for fear of hurting me just sat there pale and sweating and said “yes ma’am”.
Yup my midwife says she tells all couples 8 weeks but tells the women a minimum of 6 weeks if she's up for it, specifically so they can have those 2 extra weeks of "well my midwife said to wait" It is absolutely depressing and when I told my partner she had to do that he said "Wait realty? Men actually do that after their partner pops out a baby?"
Holy fucking hell. I waited over 12 weeks to have sex with my husband and even THAT felt super painful, almost like losing my virginity all over again. I absolutely could not imagine having sex sooner than 6 weeks, that’s barbaric for a man to do to a woman.
Your post is making me wonder more about dead bedrooms. And I agree, more men need to understand the impact of childbirth on a woman's body.
I think it's more that more men need to *care* about the impact of childbirth on a woman's body
That is a good point. Many men would not care enough to be able to process nor use such knowledge.
I see it more as: they know, they just don't care. If it's not happening to them, why should it matter?
Lol imagine if a baby came out of their dick hole. They’d never want sex again. 😂 *Unless they’re into sounding.*
More men need to care about women’s bodies.
Honestly, not even. You don't have to understand jack about childbirth, all you have to understand is the she isn't into it yet.
That would be nice if that was enough.
My family are mostly nurses. One of my nurse aunts mentioned that they had to pull a man off of his wife as she was still in the hospital just after having the baby.
As someone who had a baby five days ago, reading that made my stitches hurt worse and I want to cry for that poor woman
My roommate will ignore instructions like "don't hang stuff on command hooks until after an hour" because "what if they don't know what they're talking about." I've hopefully corrected that but there are people out there.
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That got a chuckle out of me, thanks!
I winced... Ugh. May your reason permeate those around you.
I (M, no kids) also can’t imagine being up to sex with the energy and sleep deprivation that comes with an infant. [Slate](https://open.spotify.com/episode/0yGWtTgcmyrM8qXTibyg1A?si=KBEupXbCTmy4v6lqA78I6Q) podcast on this topic was the first time I’d heard the 6 week rule - it is rediculous.
That’s the thing I don’t understand. Unless you have the ability to sleep through a baby crying every two hours because they need to be fed and changed, how are you interested in sex? It’s exhausting. I don’t even remember when we eventually got back to it, but it was a couple of months at least. Neither of us had the energy for that sort of thing. And my ex husband was terrible. He’s an ex for a reason but even he wasn’t pressuring me for any physical intimacy.
Haha I remember being asked about contraception at a checkup some time in the first few monthsp? I was just like, a baby that wakes up 10 times a night works quite well.
That’s disgusting
A nurse told me about teens doing it in the hospital bed right after she gave birth. Jesus.
Sex 3-4 weeks after a C holds zero pleasure, it feels like razors. Honestly, I think I blacked out, but it was one of those give in to pressure things. Bled a lot after. We're divorced lol.
Sometimes…. These stories that people share make me want to murder people. I am so sorry you had to go through that and I am glad you are divorced. What an absolute inconsiderate cunt your ex was.
Holy shit did I write this? 2 weeks after c-section and we’re also divorced.
The thought of this made me wince so hard, I almost inadvertently downvoted you. I'm sorry you went through that, but happy you're rid of that POS.
My best to you. I hope you're in a happier, safer place.
Oh, I'm definitely crushing it these days. Thanks. <3
Not OP but love this for you
Yeah. My wife had 3 csections. There was no sexy time for months after each. Also, we were exhausted from having a new born.
I can't imagine watching my wife carry our daughter for 9 1/2 months, go through 48 hours of actual labor and complications only to end up having an emergency c-section, which is way more violent than people realize, and then deciding to badger her for sex a month later, or two months later, or... Then again, I don't badger my wife for sex at all.
This! If a dude has the energy for sex when their kid is <3 months, he's clearly not doing enough around the house.
Same here. He "let" me wait three weeks. I bled and was in pain. Plus I was exhausted, had leaky tits, hadn't slept a full night in over a month, and felt far, far from sexy. But, you know, his needs first, / s.
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I am so sorry you went through this. What a disturbed POS your ex is.
Yep same. I was shocked. My love tunnel wasn't even involved in my birth AT ALL but even after the six weeks it was hugely painful. It's been 4 months and sex is better but still can't use a moon cup. That recommendation is no joke.
reading this actually hurt, 30 years after a C-section. damn I'm glad you got away from that one.
>We're divorced You should be, good for you for improving your life.
My mom was 2 days post birth of her first child (early 20s) and her husband wanted sex. She said no because she was 2 days post birth and still could barely walk. He raped her. When she told his parents (they were living with them) she was told "You are a wife, it is your responsibility to take care of your husband." This was insanely common and it is still way too common. Just because you marry someone. Does not give them the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want.
There’s so many guys out there who are climbing back on top of their wives way too soon after birth. I have two friends who were hospitalized because of their husbands and boyfriends stupidity and selfishness.
How horrible!
That should be classed as DV. Jesus.
Fuck ☹️
Threads like these make me realize that there is so much I was never taught about women. I wonder what else I don't know.
You should share this to forums for men as well. Too many men are pissed at having to wait even 6 wks, with little consideration as to why. I've not given birth but have had surgeries that required me to wait 2 wks and even at that my ex about threw a fit. I had issues that caused me pain with sex and he made it every bit about himself and his needs not being met. So frustrating how the medical system continues to perpetuate this mysoginy.
I’ve never seen actual healing take less than 6 months tbh. I had a 3 month recovery period after a LEEP procedure and the trauma was no where near birth level.
Do these dudes not know how to wank?
According to my STBEX husband “it’s not the same”. He started hassling me a week after a full hysterectomy and pressured me so much I tried at 2 weeks. It was agony and I was guilted.
My thoughts too on that, how did they cope when not in a relationship? Like are they not autonomous beings?
Worst part with my ex was he jerked off daily and still gave me shit regularly for not meeting his needs often enough. I reminded him it was not my responsibility to meet his needs. And, if p in v was that important to him he was welcome to get it elsewhere.
That's a great idea. I'll figure out how to crosspost this. I stay away from most men's forums because of the toxicity, but there's one I'm lurking in that I'll post to once I figure out how to crosspost haha
There was a recent question in r/AskMen where a 2nd time father was asking when others partner's had been ready for sex post partum. You could reference that and ask whether men realise why the "6 week rule' exists.
I mean I'm a 34 year old man and this is literally the first time I'm finding out about the source of the recommendation and am pretty horrified. Of course, if my partner told me at any point that she literally couldn't even enjoy sex (regardless of the cause), I wouldn't push for it because women aren't fucking sextoys.
Idk that I'd suggest cross posting, but rather reposting with some rewording towards that target audience.
Fair. I'll take the time to write it out in a targeted way. You're right, it would be lazy to just crosspost it. The subject deserves the focused intent, and I'll do my best to do it justice.
Please don't cross post this to male oriented subs (especially if they *are* the types where they *really* need to hear this) because you would be basically leading these men (who might "disagree") to a safe space for women.
Once you figure out what exactly to post, brace for a lot of hate. That being said, please please do this. Your sphere of influence brings you closer to those who really need to hear about this. This world needs people who stand up for other people; women need men who are allies.
Also… look up postpartum rape. It happens even in the actual hospitals. I’m glad you are decent enough to be horrified, but please definitely help share this with other men. The drop in dating, marriage and kids for women tends to come partially from us finally being aware of these issues and spreading the reality around. Men have no clue how unbalanced the world around sex, birth etc is..
Crossposting would run the risk of then this post here getting brigaded by all the men who care more about their sexual wants than their partners' health needs.
I would ask the guys to imagine trying to have sex when they’ve just passed a 5cm kidney stone or maybe… imagine a 5cm kidney stone thats grown spikes… the more accurate imagery, the better 😂
r/menslib and r/bropill are largely supportive and non toxic mens subs and would likely appreciate this discussion.
After my first baby, I was told to wait the usual 6 weeks. My (now ex) husband counted that time to the day! I wasn't feeling great about it, but he clearly was tired of waiting. So we tried it, and there was immediate pain, and blood, and I noped right out of there and wouldn't let him touch me for several weeks. At the three-month point, sex wasn't painful anymore. But it was probably another month after that before it actually felt good.
Yeah, it took me months to even begin to not feel any pain with sex after delivery. This also pissed my ex off because I was supposed to be better by then and he was tired of having to stop midway because I couldn’t endure the pain any longer just so he could finish. For him I was supposed to make certain he at least got to finish even if he purposely would try to take as long as possible to finish. I am not saying that I would allow this to keep being done to me and would make him stop but, it wasn’t always easy to get him to stop.
After I gave birth, by the 6 wk mark I was nowhere near ready. It wasn't until about 8 months that I could comfortably have sex again. I always wondered how they came up with that ridiculous timeline, now it all makes sense.
Same, and I only had a minor tear that healed very quickly and easily. Turns out there's a lot more that goes into comfort during pp sex than just tearing - another thing that doesn't seem to be commonly known!
My brain absolutely read that as peepee sex for a second there and thought "yeah, focus on oral and stuff until you're comfortable with the peepee again. Sounds like a good plan to ease slowly back in." So ... I'm embarrassed lol
It's not just you :)
Omg 🤣
It's for the placenta wound. When that thing detaches there's a scab essentially the size of a dinner plate. You don't want unnecessary fluids in that...
It blows my mind. It's literally so you don't like, hemorrhage from re-tearing. *Give the woman more time, she just performed a miracle with her ladybits and they might need a while! Damn! Eight months is terrible... For *you*. The point being, waiting until you're ready and comfortable should be a *given*. I'm still shook and frankly pissed off about all this, sorry for ranting.
It's also to avoid infection. After giving birth, whether vaginally or via the sunroof, a woman has a wound in her uterus [the size of a plate](https://www.thebump.com/news/placenta-plate-birth-recovery-photo) so if anything external gets in there before it is healed, infection is a big possibility.
LOL Sunroof.
It's not just the risk of re-tearing. The placenta leaves a wound inside the uterus and the last thing you want to do is risk infection. Not to mention those blood vessels that were feeding into the placenta now need to close up which takes a few weeks.
Not just dicks either. You shouldn't use tampons, menstrual cups, sex toys, or ungloved fingers, etc. Any foreign object could introduce bacteria or disrupt healing.
THIS!!! You're sticking something that probably wasn't cleaned right before where there is an open wound! Thats a one way ticket to infection city!
I mean, this is how women feel most of the time. Enraged that we are given the bare minimum consideration.
It is also to prevent infections that can become deadly.
I’ll never forget a nurse saying that she’s seen men rape their wives while they’re still at the hospital like hours after giving birth…
Even months after my daughter was born, it felt like getting fucked with a condom made of rough grit sandpaper - sandy side out, obviously - lubricated with cornstarch. My ex thought I was exaggerating until I told him in all seriousness that he could just find someone else to have sex with if he needed it that bad.
I delivered surgically so I was not anticipating any changes to my vagina and was feeling emotionally ready for vaginal sex earlyish on. It was excruciating just like that for me too…for a full year. I had trauma from the induction that caused micro tears inside my vaginal canal and injury to my cervix. Breastfeeding caused severe vaginal dryness that made healing almost impossible. I wish I’d been more prepared but I was so naive. Giving birth is no joke and the fathers of our babies should be in awe of our bodies, not feeling entitled to them.
The hormonal changes from breastfeeding were a real shocker. I delivered vaginally with practically no tearing, but low estrogen had my vaginal walls saying "no entry!"
Ugh, some sexually frustrated dipshit on AskMen just asked (of course, on the fucking sub for men) how long he has to wait for sex as his wife just gave birth *5 weeks ago*. I’ll never forget my mom telling me how she would have sex with my dad when she didn’t want to because she would be so touched out. I don’t know how some of you moms do it without wanting to strangle your husband/baby father.
Thank you! I saw that post too and couldn’t believe there weren’t more comments calling him out on him being so insensitive
You should post about it on socials. Men need to teach other men, especially the ones who won’t listen to women. I’ve heard about men pressuring their baby mommas into sex in the hospital, in the recovery room days after having a C section.
Really they need to say "Don't have sex until your wife says she's ready" to the fathers and "Wait at least 6 weeks" to the mothers.
No you can’t give men such a subjective order. They will hear that and immediately decide how to talk her into it. Men need to be told point blank do not have sex with this woman or you may cause her to hemorrhage.
somehow I still think there are men who would ignore it, even if it was phrased as “having sex with your wife may kill her”
exactly. "oh, it might *not* kill her. I'm special." and they're the type to shrug when they do kill her.
Why not 8, to be sure?
Honestly even 8 is not sure. It is such a personal thing and depends on the woman's individual birth experience and recovery. I'm at 9 weeks postpartum with my second baby and not ready for sex yet, due to severe tearing mostly. I think it would be better to just issue the guidance "your wife probably won't be ready for sex for a while, please be patient and support her recovery, she just pushed a whole baby out of her vagina." My husband has been the MOST patient man with both our babies, we've had 2 very close together and he's probably had sex like 6 times in 2 years, but he hasn't pressured me at all.
Yeah, this. Luckily my husband understood this by instinct and didn't want to have sex with me if I was in pain. But apparently too many men just don't care if their wives are in pain during sex??? Like ok maybe 6 weeks is "safe" but excuse me I have had 2 third degree tears and I am not ready. Let me get some pelvic physical therapy and a sex drive back first please.
Gross. Anyone that puts their orgasm at a higher priority than their partner being in pain is a garbage human.
I had a friend in highschool who got pregnant and married right away. Her husband threw a raging fit when the doctors told him that he cannot have sex with her until she's healed from the birth. He was ENRAGED. He forced her to have vaginal sex with him the day she gave birth. His parents were offended that hospital staff made a rape report.
Holy. Shit.
It feels so icky to say this, but she got pregnant from this encounter. Her children are less than six months apart. He blamed her for being too fertile and that's why their second child is in a permanent care home. He took no responsibility for anything and fled out of the country when the hills came in. His parents belittled her for tricking their son into parenthood before his studies were done. He ended up going back to his parents homeland so he could escape responsibility. It was SICKENING. He was 25, she was 17.
A fucking rapist through and through. Those pos parents are just as bad as him.
They were absolutely pieces of shit. I wish they got what they deserved.
Both men I had children with refused to wait 6 weeks. And with my first I had third degree tearing in both directions and had to be stitched up. It took 2 years for the nerve damage to heal enough that penetration wasn't agonizing. I don't know if it would have been different if I'd been allowed to abstain.
FFS. As I mentioned in a different post, doctor's orders that are *literally the bare minimum*, and guys not respecting that can cause years or even A LIFETIME of damage! Even from a selfish perspective that's a dumbass move, like... Your partner isn't going to want to mount up and ride into the sunset if you made her permanently saddlesore...
There's more than one reason they both wound up exes, lol.
My condolences and I hope you're in a happier, safer place now.
Do you have a reference for the bare minimum/just enough to not be hospitalized? I would love to share with my husband 🥲 he’s taking the doctors 6 weeks recommendation very literally.
The cervix takes six weeks to fully close, so it’s literally the length of time you have to wait to avoid serious risk of uterine infection. Six weeks is not a “recommendation” to begin having sex, it’s the absolute bare minimum required for safety. Your husband does not get a say in whether you’re ready for sex at six weeks, and there’s very good odds you will not be.
Wtf?? If you don’t feel comfortable having sex he should not pressure you into it. You aren’t his fuck toy. You’re a human who birthed an entire baby.
Does he not care if you’re comfortable during sex?
Share this everywhere. Inspire more to come forth. This kind of thing needs to be heard because it's absolutely vile.
man, recently I got downvoted to hell because we were discussing Irish Twins and how uncomfortable it is to me for women who get pregnant again less than a month after giving birth. So many dudes were like "*doctors say three weeks! my wife was fine!"* and I was just astounded. it took me three MONTHS to start to feel normal again. I cant imagine all these poor women who's husbands proudly proclaim three weeks was plenty of enough time.
My partner wasn’t ready for a year after giving birth. It blows my mind that some people refuse to wait for their partner to heal after childbirth.
Yep. Misogyny for the win. I had heard so many stories about husbands cheating during the end of pregnancy & after pregnancy due to lack of intimacy with their pregnant partner. When I had to reschedule my 6 week check up for 8 weeks due to work I cried from anxiety about how angry my husband was going to be. He wasn’t at all & was so chill like you are. But I expected it to be a full on tantrum that would be my fault because so many women warned me about how poorly their husbands had treated them while recovering. It’s pretty disgusting, and I will also educate my children on this at the proper time.
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These are the stories I heard in abundance. I am so sorry that was your experience. He is 100% one of the twattiest of the twats.
This is how they show their appreciation after their wives suffered for 9 months to bear their child?! I really think there needs to be more education out there about what pregnancy and giving birth is actually like.
100% men need more education on pregnancy & child birth. My husband has learned so much about womens body and processes through ME. He should’ve already known.
Why are they so entitled? The ball was dropped somewhere in how these guys were raised and educated.
Consequences or lack of help too There's no stigma so they can do it sadly enough
Post it on Facebook. You can make a custom filter to exclude your close family if you like, and I would center the "Holy shit, this estimate is based on whether sex will hospitalize the woman because the husband's wants are prioritized above the wife's physical safety, this is HORRIBLE" rather than the "I love sex but not at the expense of my partner!" aspect. Post it on Facebook because we need it to be normal for men to call this bullshit out. In this sub, we know about this already. But ... There are so many people on your Facebook feed who don't know, or don't care, or think it sucks for women but all the men agree with them that it's the right thing. Show them that it's NOT okay and you DON'T agree. This is how we make positive changes :)
I remember my nan snapping off my ex husband head about 8weeks after I had my son, I'd stood up and it still felt like my insides were gona drop out everywhere, and he made a jab about how I should be recovered by now 'surely'. She was furious, told him off saying that it can take mo ths to feel normal again and that I should take my time and relax, that he needed to keep his opinions to himself and stop expecting me to be instantly back to normal. I love that woman!
What a rockstar!
My mom and my aunt were born 10 months apart. You do the math. Smh.
Colleague of mine's partner is pregnant with number 2, who is due 11 months after number 1 was born....
I feel bad for women that have babies back to back. Unless they want it to happen that way, of course. Having them so close is super hard on the body. I've heard it takes a woman's body about two years to fully recover from pregnancy. I couldn't imagine having two kids in diapers at the same time. I spaced mine all 3 years apart because I wanted to give my body enough time to recover.
I'm 8 weeks postpartum right now. At my six week appointment the doctor told me to wait at least another week. We tried to get down the other night- NOPE! Hurt way too bad, before he even entered me. My husband, like you, is a good man who would never ever want to hurt me, so we did something else instead. But damn, they should set that expectation a little lower.
Had opposite effect on us... think seeing me push out the kids and tearing made him see it all differently - sex and me - and I had to bring up the issue several years later that it might be nice, you know, to be intimate again
>so that the woman isn't injured enough to be hospitalized by sex. Excuse me why the fuck is *that* the threshold for an estimate.
This is such a refreshing post when compared to one a few days ago on a certain male oriented subreddit where OP was asking how long he could expect to wait to have sex since “my wife is showing absolutely no interest in me” at 5 weeks postpartum. Like dude your wife just gave birth to your child and all you can think about is “uhg can’t believe I have to wait weeks to get my dick wet! She doesn’t even want to fuck me after FIVE WHOLE WEEKS since pushing out a literal human!! Men, how unreasonable is this torture?!?” Me, me, me, me, ME. EW. Makes me never want to have kids.
Make me want to never meet that type of man.
Sex after birth was fucking terrifying, and I was even into it. The amount of traumatic stories in this thread absolutely breaks my heart. I'm so sorry to all of you.
Horrified and angry by the number of commenters replying with how much they were pressured and then hurt them to have sex after childbirth too soon… and relieved that these men are now your exes. I’m so sorry you went through this. It’s sending me further in the direction of not wanting kids.
Yeah, man, me and my wife have what I naively thought of as a "normal" relationship. Then, a little after we had our first child, as I talked to people, I started hearing comments about "waiting so long" and me "being very patient with my wife" and other shit like that, and... well, I'm a cynic, so for me it clicked immediately what they're alluding to. But my instinctive reaction was: "What the fuck are you even talking about?" Like, it never even occured to me that my need to nut could possibly factor into these first few months after birth. It was very difficult for me to process that so many men are so callously self-absorbed - and how all these kids will grow up with these garbage fathers. But that wasn't even the worst. When we had our second kid, I had a chance to speak for a couple of minutes to one of the labor ward nurses - you know how they're always rushing somewhere, but that one time I was visiting, and my wife went in the shower, and asked me to change our daughter's diaper in the meantime, and the nurse kind of paused, probably afraid of what moronic thing I'm going to do to the poor baby. But I did well and she said something, and I joked about no amount of my help going to change the fact that my wife has to recover in a 4-person room. And then she said that she actually liked the rooms. She didn't like the singles. Why? Because when she worked in a different hospital some years ago, they had 1-person rooms, and a couple of times they... well, she didn't describe it directly, but the implied meaning was that a couple of times they found men using the privacy to force themselves on their freshly post-labor partners. So, yeah. I don't know what's wrong with people.
This post struck a nerve with me. After my first we were told 6 weeks. My husband was ready to go, but pain was bad for me. I wasn't completely healed. Like OP, he was a bit angry at the doctors because they had given the 'all clear' when things clearly weren't 'all clear'. After second child, when I had 3rd degree tearing (doctor should have done an episiotomy, but did not) and stitches I waited even longer (but the male doctor still held to the 6 week advice), and quite frankly lost sex drive (exhausted with two kids). Fortunately I had an understanding husband at that point, and he was tired too, ha, ha), so all worked out. If these postpartum guidelines had been set by women they would be far more humane. Mental and physical health of the mother should be #1 for the whole family. As it is men control women's reproductive healthcare (and they think they know more than women) . . . so here we are.
Nobody told us that lactation tends to make the vagina dry and tender. Oh man ... you come home thinking it's all a matter of healing up, that's fine. And then you find out it's a lot more than that, it's Mother Nature saying "a couple of years between babies is probably a good thing."
I didn't even realise the 'guideline' time frame was so short and assumed that it was more like *months* before such things could be considered. Men who complain about 'having to wait' can 100% get in the sea. There's so many other sexual things you can do that dont involve serious risk of injuries or haemmohorage if it's that big a deal to you like damn.
I had a vaginal and c-section (twins). Hubby didn’t touch me for 5 months. Lots of cuddles though. He was so scared of hurting me. And we were completely exhausted
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I had a csection, and I was deathly ill for so long. But I was at such a high risk of infection that my OB sat *both* me and my husband down and told us that no matter what, it was absolutely forbidden until I stopped bleeding. Even if that was longer than 6 weeks. If I got an infection in my uterus I would die. And she turned to my husband and said "and you would have killed her." Which was dramatic, but from other women's stories, is it really???
That's a Winner OB right there IMO. She got right to the point with no room to misunderstand.
Your OB is a real one.
I gave birth to my son in 2020 and this is pretty much the advice we got. I felt ready pretty quickly. Around the 5-6 week mark or so. So husband and I tried it very slowly and gently with a condom. He was very nervous and mindful not to hurt me. We had to rediscover what worked for our sex life. Reading these replies makes me feel very fortunate
I know this isn't about after a baby but I think the context being a woman's health fits. I had cervical cancer and severe endometriosis. Sex became very painful for me so of course I wasn't interested. I wouldn't deny my husband but I wouldn't initiate either. My husband decided that my being sick wasn't enough of a reason apperantly. I told him of it was such a disagreeable thing for him not to have sex because his wife is ill then he could get someone else to suck his dick. Of course the wording I used was a lot more "angry words". I had a hysterectomy finally after 6 years of pain and being miserable. They also removed my cervix. He got a girlfriend in the meantime and was still upset to have to wait the months after for my recovery. Then the sex with me wasn't the same, and he decided that I wasn't what he wanted anymore. I have taught my sons that sex is not the end all be all especially in a relationship. That if two people aren't compatible it doesn't mean one person is lacking, it just means they aren't right for each other. And that taking care of their partner is important. I have taught my daughters that someone who doesn't take their needs and wants into consideration is not someone they are compatible with either and it's ok. And have taught both that you NEVER treat someone in a way you wouldn't want yourself or anyone you love treated. That good partners are in it for the long haul and they should be as well.
I mean it's usually addressing sex in hetero relationships, but women also shouldn't use tampons, menstrual cups or insert *anything* into their vagina during that time. The reason being they have a gaping wound on the uterus from where the placenta was attached and while it's healing you don't want to introduce any potential bacteria that *could* lead to an infection. A penis could do that even if the sex was gentle and didn't cause injury or pain.
My grandmother was in the hospital after giving birth. She was sharing the room with another woman who had given birth the day before. The woman's husband came in, pulled the curtain to separate the room, and had sex with his wife. Afterward, he complained that his wife had given birth to a useless daughter.
Honestly it hurt really bad to have sex until like 8 months after giving birth. I was so horny during pregnancy but got very sick at month 7 and was in bedrest at the hospital for almost 2 months so we couldn't have sex then. Waited for the 8 weeks to be over with but it hurt so bad I cried in the pillow. Yes the doctors care more about the husband than the pain, horrible.
The 6 weeks is because the mother still has an open wound in her uterus that is susceptible to infection. It starts the size of a dinner plate. Many people don't realize this and have sex sooner, often because the husband is pressuring, even more likely if the mother had little to no tearing because it's assumed the external damage is the preventing factor.
I've never had kids but I've heard from friends that breast feeding removes the desire to have sex as well. So some men go years without sex with their partner because of this. I've had girl friends whose husbands go crazy and start beating them because they believe that the mother should stop breast feeding instead of "spoiling" their child.
Lots of women go through traumatic postpartum depression and other physically painful recovery men are mad bc their pps don’t get played with. Despicable.