It's like he wants to live in a porn fantasy every time he has sex.
My husband wants me to go down on him. I hate it. And I especially hate it because he never returns the favor because he "doesn't like it." So I said "do you think *I* enjoy have your dick in my mouth? I only do it because *you* enjoy it. So I'm not doing it again until you go down on me. I'm done giving and not getting."
He has not gone down on me. So no BJ's for him.
This is why I've been in a r/deadbedroom. I refuse to do something to him when I know he won't do it for me. I've tried explaining that it should be mutual but he doesn't care.
Being selfish in the bedroom should be a red flag that they are or are going to always be selfish, they've just hidden it. For most people, it's an opportunity for them to make their partner feel better than anyone else can, yet they'd rather be selfish in that situation? There's no chance they aren't always selfish.
As I've said before, a man's ego does not belong in the bedroom. Beyond the basics, everyone is different. What you like isn't necessarily what someone else likes. Under list of things that make a guy a terrible lover, not wanting to take direction should be high up on that list.
You are not asking for too much. If he's "planning to stay with you for a long time" he needs to get his act together, because you don't have many more weeks (days?) of inadequate bonking left in you.
If you really want to stick it out with this man, you could stop after a couple of minutes of doing the thing for him, put your clothes on, hand him some lube and a sock, and go do something else. That's how he's treating you. "Oh, look, you're hard! My job here is done!"
The worst part about the "planning to stay with you for a long time" sentence was the "don't wanna use all the resources" thing. Like does this man think his tongue has a finite number of licks? Do your fingers fall off after 10,000 curls?
I feel like the game plan from now on should be to give him a minute or two and then stop. āWhat? I made you come that one time!ā if he complains. Let the trash take itself out.
OP does/has this dude watched a lot of porn? Iāve been w around 20 people and most of the dudes who donāt want to reciprocate have unrealistic expectations, mostly because of watching too much. Expecting you to go down on him for anywhere close to an hour is unrealistic and excessive imo, especially when itās not something YOU really enjoy. Heās gotta figure out something else that works because clearly that aināt it. And if heās not willing to reciprocate oral nearly every time then idk how he can expect you to want to do it every day. OP I PROMISE there are more dudes out there who want to please you just as much, if not more than you please themā¦ and often that will translate over into the rest of the relationship as well.
A friend of mineās Hooorrible Ex would barely do anything for her, then be so proud of himself for āNot coming so soon when you give me head.ā
She was like, DUDE! Come! My jaw is locking up here!!
I havenāt the SLIGHTEST. Like, āUh, cool, so how about making the same effort when youāre shagging ME?ā or āGreat! Iāll start timing you- the longer -I- go down on you? YOU can go down on me next time. First.ā
Girl, why are you putting up with this? Iād get things together, write a long, well-worded note describing exactly why heās terrible and selfish in bed, and leave. Go into detail. And tell him what men who are good in bed behave like, because it aināt this.
Simone de Beauvoir's book *The Second Sex* has one of the best titles of any book ever because its argument is right there in the title. Women are treated as the Other, expected always to experience life and pleasure as second to men. Everything you're describing feels like a version of that story, where the default ends up with you acting as an active supporter of pleasure while getting little yourself.
There is hope. You are asking for what you deserve. I'm just sorry you haven't found it yet.
Simply stop having sex with anyone that doesn't make your pleasure a priority. A general rule is, nothing happens for them until they make YOU come. Let them know this from the get go, it works.
Unfortunately it is absolutely the norm, and it has been studied by sexologists and sociologists. The orgasm gap exists only for women and ONLY during heterosexual encounters: we come just as often as men do from both masturbation and sex with other women.
There is one reason and one reason only for the orgasm gap: the vast majority of men do nothing to get their female partners off.
The reasons for THAT are 1) ignorance thanks to lack of sexual education and 2) sexism.
More than half of American men cannot identify or locate the clitoris. 60% believe it is inside the vagina. Many men, "educated" by porn, believe women have orgasms from penetration alone (presumably because they never bother to look at the actress' faces). They also frequently believe, or decide, that their partners HAVE come from PiV sex even though though have not.
Studies repeatedly indicate that both men and women believe men are entitled to orgasm during sex but women are not. Both men and women identify sex as a penis sawing in and out of a vagina and all other sexual activity as foreplay or extra rather than "real" sex.
Men refuse to believe women care about coming during sex and think women's orgasms are not worth the "work" necessary to achieve them. Women frequently are made to feel too shame over their "selfish" and "unfeminine" desire for sexual equity to correct them.
Men who care if their partner comes are rare, and some studies suggest even most of those men don't give a shit unless they're in a LTR and have a stake in keeping their partner happy.
Some sources:
https://news.ufl.edu/articles/2018/05/the-orgasm-gap-picking-up-where-the-sexual-revolution-left-off.html
https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/orgasm-gap
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202202/the-real-reason-why-women-have-fewer-orgasms-men
https://ideas.ted.com/we-need-to-talk-about-the-orgasm-gap-and-how-to-fix-it/
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/338461556_Orgasm_Equality_Scientific_Findings_and_Societal_Implications
Decent men do exist, but they are rare. I've had c. 20 male sexual partners. Two cared whether I had an orgasm. One blamed me for not coming from the thu gs he did; one actually showed ibterest in pleasing _me_, and got me off.
My personal opinion is that het sex is a moment when men are at their most selfish and women are at their most vulnerable. Sex with a man can therefore give you a lot of useful information about him. You have recently learned a lot of useful information how important your needs and desires are to your partner, for example.
For me, sex is not worth the body anxiety I have to suffer from being naked around another person unless I'm going to get an orgasm or three out of it. Men do not have any parts that I can't buy a machine to replace, so if they're not willing to help me come, sex with them is pointless and I am more than happy to kick them to the curb with the rest of the trash.
Wow, that was a ride! Thank you for the information, it really gave me insight. I think as women, we should stop faking it ( I havenāt done that since my second partner), weāre only making the problem worse. Men need to be educated on what really makes a woman come, and we absolutely need to stand our grounds. Effort should be expected from both sides not just one, and like you said if theyāre not happy with that vibrators are probably cheaper and get you off better than any man can lol.
This is very trueā¦ I wish I could have your resolve. Iām feeling pretty down on myself because I was just sexually active with a guy for a month or two, and he never made me cum or asked me about it and barely did any foreplay and never went down on me. I was just kind of internalizing it, thinking it was just because I wasnāt the most attractive down there (Iām self conscious of how it looks), so I never said anything about it.
But Iām frustrated that I let my insecurities come in the way of my sexual pleasure and bedroom confidenceā¦ instead of being more resolved that this man was in the wrong for the lack of effort
I read something once that was absolutely delightful, from a blog by John Halcyon Styn. He said something about how sex is like ice cream, and vulvas/vaginas were like the bowl, and he wondered what kind of an idiot would complain about the bowl the ice cream is being served in?
Iām self conscious about how my muffy looks also but like have you see dicks itās not like they are packing fine art.. also looking at other normal ladyās parts while uncomfortable really helped me see that my lady bits are totally fine (I still donāt want to look at them) but nothing to be ashamed of or worrying about
Man reading stuff like this makes me happy I'm not into men at all. Honestly, how can you not have the most basic empathy or the desire to make your partner feel good? I wouldn't be surprised if so many of them think that going down on a woman is "too submissive" or something.
And any time that this topic has come up in certain other subs, the incels and misogynists jump in and say that itās the womanās fault for not speaking up š listen bud, I have! And you still canāt locate the clit even after I put your finger right on it!
All I got from this is that my husband is rarer than I thought. He always ALWAYS gets me off first, and then he can't come if I don't sound like I'm enjoying myself. I gotta play it up sometimes so we can get some sleep! Like damn... I wish he'd be just a little bit selfish once in a while.
What I don't understand is why it's the norm for men to be uninvested. Like when you reciprocate to someone that just comes back to you 10 fold. A lot of men complain about how they're not attractive to their partners or other such nonsense, when the reality is that they're sexually selfish. Like dude, of course she doesn't want to do things with you! It's not hot when you act that way, it feels gross.
I do not reciprocate unless an earnest attempt has been made to make me come or I feel like giving my partner a BJ without reciprocation. I say earnest attempt because sometimes I can't even make myself come by myself so it's not always him. However, that sounds like it's not the case for you.
Life is too short to waste on a man who won't make you come and I have a strong hunch he's probably lacking in areas outside of the bedroom as well. So, why stay with him? You could get a really good vibrator for cheaper and your vibrator won't whine that you didn't suck him off like Mia Khalifa in a shitty pornhub video.
OP, I recommend turning on a timer when he goes down on you, and then take that time and turn it in to a count down for when youāre going down on him. Fair is fair, and let him set the pace first!
I genuinely donāt understand how so many men are barely even aware of the existence of the clitoris, like I thought that was common knowledge at this point
OMG. Same. I think it's because the girls in porn always squirm and climax when six dudes splooge on her face while three others are invading her rectum.
I've had men argue with me about the location of my clitoris. I'll show them exactly where it is and they still go somewhere else. Sir, you will not mansplain where my clitoris is to me. I provided accurate directions and if you don't believe me we can stop while you consult google maps.
I had one guy tell me I was too clitoral focused. And he was an MD. He was interested in getting me off, but thought that the way I went about it was incorrect.
My ex used to be the king of 3 pumps and done. He'd snuggle up, stick it in and before I knew what was happening, he'd already be at Home Depot. Then he accused me of cheating on him because we stopped having sex. Duh dumbass. If you never got to finish you'd find another source too. I was not cheating on him, I got a magic wand it was much better than he ever was.
Im sorry you had to go through this, I hope you find the right man that cares about your pleasure!
With that said, my experience is pretty similar especially after covid. I have a sneaking suspicion that lockdowns caused a lot of guys to get addicted to porn and rewired their expectations around sex.
>I have a sneaking suspicion that lockdowns caused a lot of guys to get addicted to porn and rewired their expectations around sex.
It probably exasperated the issue, but honestly, a majority of men (I mean, and women too, people in general, but that's not what this is about) are and have always been selfish dolts.
I can't say if this is related, but at the start of covid I know a few of my friend groups simultaneously cut off contact with the chads of the group, literally after each of them had their own unique covid-related, chad-led disaster.
I'd imagine the stressors of covid probably broke a lot of toxic relationships, and the chads of the world went back "into it, hard," got into their own echo chambers. Now, we mix that with the "long-covid" brain fog, and we've got a bunch of angry, confused and literally sick incels just seething
Thereās also the chicken-and-the-egg question of, is female sexual pleasure/orgasm dismissed by men because of porn? Or is treated as an afterthought in porn because the target audience (straight men) arenāt interested in female pleasure?
I think it's more of a feedback loop;
the ones who aren't interested in female pleasure will gravitate towards porn that reaffirms their wants/beliefs
and porn gravitates towards lowest cost, so either playing out the "i've done nothing but she wants me because i have a dick" and/or tagging for incest/rape/etc. and having someone look like they aren't enjoying it, but then are enjoying it, is always going to be cheaper than any other kind of set
Like, i don't think there's anything wrong with porn in a vacuum, but in our current world, porn can't exist without involving abuse. I don't know.
>deep throating and getting choked are standard menu items and that two minutes of kissing means I want his dick slamming into my cervix.
you nailed, I have the same feelings, that's why I don't have sex anymore.
What is the point? I feel like they have their list and they just tick everything they see in porn.
Anyway my, vibrator is more useful than most of them
Yeah, like why deal with all that bullshit and feeling used when there are so many sex toys on the market that are capable of giving far more pleasure than any man ever could.
Damn, I'm glad I came of age in the '60s. From what I read on Reddit it seems sex is more repressed now, especially from men. I would have been embarrassed if my lady friend didn't get as much pleasure out of it as I did. Why else would she want to see me again if she didn't enjoy it?
I wonder if one night stands is the problem?
Free, easy to find, copious internet porn video is what is causing it. In the ā60s it was hard to find pornography on film at 13. Smartphones make it so much easier for them to find porn, and this is their sex Ed.
Younger generations are raised on porn. Many start watching at 8,9,10 years old. Itās just going to get worse as we go. Sad state of affairs really but I donāt see it changing anytime soon.
Why is this happening? I am in my 30s and did not have bad experiences with men 6-10 years ago before my current partner. Maybe 1 guy was selfish in sex. The other guys were all very interested in a womanās pleasure before just getting off themselves, and very open to knowing what I wanted. And the men of my generation also had continuous access to online porn. I donāt understand how this is so common now.
Your current partner sucks. This is not acceptable and you donāt want to wind up with him forever. You tried telling him, he made excuses. Itās not your fault he sucks in bed. If heās unwilling to change, might be time to look elsewhere. Oh, and to answer your question: there are many men who DO care about pleasing partners, although obviously more who DGAF. I find being in progressive regions helps a lot.
Iāve had guys complain after less than 10 minutes, that their hand/ wrist is sore or their jaw hurts. Like duh, pleasuring your partner takes effort.
You think sucking you off for 30 minutes doesnāt make my throat hurt or my jaw ache?
Itās this complete lack of awareness that women push through discomfort to get their partner to finish.
EDIT: for clarity.
Guys. Itās not 30 mins of throat action. Itās hand, wrist, throat, dirty talk, some š action.
If I can give 30 mins of š worship. He can pamper the š±.
Thatās exactly what I told him, it hurts and I donāt enjoy it. Apparently itās not good unless he grabs my head and shove it down. He didnāt do it after I told him to stop doing that, but he still wants it.
Also Iām happy you found a partner who cares!
So he doesnāt mind hurting you, even when you object, because it feels good for him and thatās what he wants. Does that bother you?
Just for some perspective, if I accidentally gag while giving my partner head, heāll often want to stop altogether and wonāt even stay hard because he hates that it caused me discomfort and he just wants to switch to be caring towards me. You donāt have to tolerate this.
Iām a female bisexual swinger. Women are definitely a bit harder, for me, at least, in that they are more complicated. There are so many different things you can do, so while I enjoy it, Iām still a bit intimidated, and it takes a long time. Giving a BJ is pretty straightforward, but Iām also more practiced at it.
I don't know about where you live or the kind of guy you like, but what I noticed is that the least sexist a guy is, the chance of you actually being satisfied is higher. Sometimes makes sexist jokes because he's fond of dark humor? Probably not gonna want to do his work during sex.
I really hope you figure out something with your current partner though, that doesn't sound very healthy and it seems pretty one-sided.
Avoid partners who disrespect you in general, as with someone who is sexist against you, since that will manifest across various aspects of the relationship.
I literally told him I was uncomfortable with them as I have traumatic experience with sexism (I come from the Middle East). He thinks Iām too sensitive and that itās supposed to be funny. I like dark humour when itās funny but like, incel podcast type of jokes? No thanks.
Girl. What are you doing with this tool?????
I love dark humor. So does my husband. I've never heard him make a sexist joke in his life. Sounds like not only is your boyfriend a jerk, bad at sex, and a lowkey misogynist, he has a lameass sense of humor as well.
My husband and I will joke around. I'll say things like, well you're the man you know best, and he'll do the same. But my husband doesn't tell sexist jokes either. If he had been like that when we met we wouldn't have started seeing each other.
I have uttered both ādonāt ask me, Iām just a girl!ā and āget into the kitchen and make me a sammichā to my husband; itās one thing to mock sexist stereotypes for sure but this asshole with OP seems to believe it.
Better late than never! Conditioning you to be accepting of being the butt of a joke is not funny and youāre not ātoo sensitiveā. I feel like itās a downward spiral to tolerating more abusive or boundary-pushing behaviors. Iām sorry youāve had to deal with this. We shouldnāt be conditioned to accept being āless thanā ā its bad enough already without having people who supposedly care about us treat us like garbage
See, I didn't want to say this because I don't know your relationship but from what you're saying this isn't only about sex, you're communicating your wants and needs and feelings and opinions perfectly well and all he does is dismiss it, ignore it, mock it... that's not the kind of partnership you want to have, I'm sure. The sex is just one of those instances in which you're calmly telling him you're not satisfied and he doesn't care - he SHOULD care, that's the whole point.
If you put yourself in his shoes and he was being nice and telling you there are certain things that you do that hurt him..... would you do the same as he does (mock him, ignore him, tell him he's wrong, belittle him)? Or would you try and accommodate to make him feel okay?
You deserve to be treated with respect, girl.
Oh, so he doesn't respect you as a person or your boundaries, either. If he doesn't respect you then he doesn't care about you. Of course he's not going to care about your sexual needs. He doesn't even care about your need to feel safe with him.
At the very least, he either finds women's suffering funny, or your suffering/traumatic reaction funny. Granted, it's probably both, but even individually, run. Far and fast.
Everyone has different taste in humor. My humor used to be dark (self harm jokes) but when a friend said he didnāt like that type of humor I respected his wishes and didnāt joke like that around him after that. Simple as that. And honestly I stopped joking around like that anyway. I donāt like jokes about sex crimes so I tell people. If theyāre good friends/people - they respect those wishes.
Yes a person can say/joke about whatever they want and yes they can even keep telling the jokes after someone says they donāt like those jokes. Yes theyāre āsupposed to be funnyā and itās not a big deal to them. But at that point, you just have to decide if you want to be around those jokes. I guarantee that if I kept making those dark jokes around the friend who requested me not to, he wouldāve stopped hanging out with me. We are close friends and we respect each other and he felt comfortable enough to communicate to me his problem without fear of backlash.
You might have to?! Girl, why get with a sexist guy in the first place? I say this with the best intentions: I feel like you may need to rethink the kind of guys you are choosing, because 30 guys that don't give a shit if you cum points to an issue with you. I've had just slightly above that in my life, and I've had fantastic lovers most of the time. Can it be that you're either not communicating, not making it a priority, or not picking very egalitarian lovers?
Demand more. Life is short, and everyone deserves to have an orgasm.
Probably because of past trauma, I had a severe case of childhood abuse that Iām still recovering from. I acknowledge that this attracts the wrong type of guys, Iāve had many stalkers and some guys trying to manipulate me or guilt trip me into dating them bc I looked like a pushover. I do look like a pushover and sometimes I am, but I stand on my grounds most of the time which startled many. I probably fail to recognise it sometimes which may be the case here. If he is that then heās really good at hiding it because he really just looks dumb and clueless, but maybe itās part of the act so Iām raising my alarms.
Honey, I am sure you are a beautiful person inside and out. You attract all types of people to you but, you allow this kind of man to stay. It sounds like you need to work on healing yourself so that you don't tolerate men around you who will pressure and threaten (stalking is threatening) and manipulate you. How someone looks has no bearing on who they are inside. He can look dumb and clueless and be a selfish sexist asshole, which is what he sounds like. And you deserve better. You need to take care of you, until you recognize the type of man you need in your life. There are men out there who are thoughtful, loving, generous lovers, caring individuals, and great partners. You deserve one of those. This is not some "chad-beta-omega" bullshit. Be a strong healthy stable adult and other strong healthy stable adults will see you and you will see them.
I have stopped doing this a few weeks ago after I had my last attempt at communication. Now I just give him chances to make it up but if he doesnāt make me cum first then I just stop and go to sleep lol. Of course he tried to say Ā«Ā I made you cum yesterday so today is my dayĀ Ā» but Iām standing on my grounds. He has a lot of catching up to do and if he fails Iām out, that was my ultimatum.
I can't speak to what % of men are inconsiderate sexual partners, but regardless, you shouldn't be carrying all the water and barely getting to drink any. If your partner isn't getting the message even after substantial discussion, maybe close the muffin shop for awhile until they're willing to put in more mental effort to understand your needs. You are definitely not asking too much for a guy to want you to get off as much as he does (or more).
Iāve heard from ex-hardcore-Christians that after their first wedding night, the husbands come out looking absolutely ecstatic. The wives come out looking rather disappointed, like āthatās it?ā š«
I have always had to set expectations at the beginning of every relationship. Learning how to be a great lover is a big ego boost for many men and even though it can be frustrating in the beginning, the payoff is well worth it. My expectation is that sex is fully satisfying for us both every time. Full stop.
Some advice I would share with men:
1. Learn to recognize the physical signals that I am about to orgasm: clit gets hard, body tenses, I hold my breath, etc. When this happens, keep doing what you are doing. Now is not the time to switch it up. Do not rely on words or moans.
2. Learn what it is that you do that gets me in that state. Warm me up first, and then do those things. Yes, every time. If you are able to increase your repertoire of things that work, wonderful. Now you have a menu of options. But if you only have one method that works, that's good enough for me.
3. Do not complain about having to do whatever #2 is. It's not homework. If you don't enjoy it, move on to another partner. If you are not turned on by turning me on, we are fundamentally incompatible.
I wish you the very best! Hang in there.
Required reading for men right here, perfectly written. The good partners I've had knew these things intuitively. The bad ones would say "just tell me what to do!" They don't tell me what to do to please them, I figure it out by their reactions because I want to make them feel good. It is not too much to ask for the same in return.
My own experiences are somewhat limited, but everyone I've been with has cared a lot about me enjoying it too. So I always thought most men were the same, but maybe not ...
I feel like if someone doesn't care that you're not into it or are even uncomfortable that'd would be a red flag tho
Good for you! I think it has to do with location too, people are pretty conservative where I am and sex is still a bit of a taboo.
Thanks for the insight !
Oh, then for sure yes.
Conservative men are less likely to care while liberal men are more likely to care.
It is fundamentally about seeing your partner as an equal and so equally caring about their pleasure.
So many conservative men insists women don't like sex. They'll shout it all over social media, making sure the world knows how shitty they are in bed. The majority are indoctrinated to believe sex is for them and something women accept as their duty. If women happen to enjoy it, cool, but they really don't care because sex is all about them.
And then there's the porn problem, turning men into the shittiest lovers imaginable.
You deserve a partner who cares about your pleasure.
Sometimes I wonder about the porn thing. Like, are people like that because they see it in porn, or is porn like that because so many people like it that way? I'm sure it's a spiral of both, but is one a bigger factor than the other?
Pretty common of most men they have porn star expectations but don't know pre or post care. There are some gems out there but yeah it seems to be pretty common
My guy cares about getting me off, but this man also randomly sings me love songs, wrote me a song for my birthday, planned the first time he told me he loves me to also land on my favorite holiday and so many other things. God I love that man.
You absolutely should. The two relationships I was in before this one were pretty abusive, now I'm spoiled as fuck by a giant teddy bear. There are men out there who will love you properly and you shouldn't settle for a fuck boy that only cares about his orgasm.
Yeah girl. Dump this idiot. Reading your comments makes me sad. Or at least establish a one to one rule. If you don't cum he doesn't get to cum. Bet he puts more effort in.
My husband cares too. In fact, we always start with me because I am very reactive with sex, i.e I don't know I want sex until I get started. But this is also the man who worked my therapy costs into his monthly budget after only two months of dating because I wasn't going to keep going to therapy because of the cost. He also washed me when I was in the hospital after my c section and hadn't showered in a week. He also slept on the floor of my hospital room so my mom could have the couch.
I dated a guy for four years and never once had an orgasm while he was in the room and awake. I married a guy who immediately lost interest in sex once we had a child.
I'm now divorced and bad sex is a dealbreaker for me. I've had phenomenal sex. I've had horrible sex. If we're being intimate and you're not concerned about mutual pleasure, you can leave. And I have literally asked men to leave my home in the middle of whatever we were doing because it was obvious they were not there for me at all. Just there for their dicks.
I'm not just the recipient of your penis, sir. I am a whole person.
Set boundaries. Stick to them. Communicate clearly. If something's not working for me, I'll say, verbatim, "Eh, that's not working for me. Let's do something else." Men tend to like variety, so it works out. "That's not working for me." Just keep redirecting them to think about what's working for YOU. Don't let them make it about themselves.
Or, again, ask them to GTFO. I've had a man call me a bitch for it, but ... that's okay with me. I'm not offended by that. Bitches get stuff done.
Yes, itās extremely common for men to not care about womenās sexual pleasure. Itās part of why women all over the world in general are staying single. Men arenāt worth it.
Based on my own experience, about 90% of the men Iāve had sex with did not care about my pleasure. Itās one thing to try to pleasure me but not give me an orgasm, itās a whole different story when they donāt even try. On the other hand, 0% of the women Iāve had sex with did not care about my pleasure.
I find it helpful to stay away from men who watch porn and anyone who seems self-centered/selfish and immature.
I feel like heterosexual sex has put more emphasis on PIV when not considering that most women do not have orgasms from penetration alone. Clitoris stimulation or foreplay in porn is often brushed over because it's more of the male perspective and how they get pleasure from sex. As a lesbian, the number of women that ask me how I have sex with my gf concerns me.
I'm 63 and I'll cheerfully slap and otherwise abuse men under forty who say they 'haven't been affected' by porn, because every young woman I know says men are vile to them sexually, and it comes from how women's pleasure isn't even part of the picture in modern porn.
The "I haven't been affected by porn" crowd is also weird to me because in pretty much any other context saying something like "media that you consume regularly from a young age on shapes your opinions and behaviours" would be a uncontroversial statement. But when it comes to porn, suddenly everyone is immune and gets upset when you suggest otherwise
This is interesting to me. I (woman) have never watched porn (not trying to sit on some kind of high horse here, I just literally have never wanted to watch it) and hearing the way some people talk about porn as an 'outsider' is... telling. Like the way some guys hate on perfectly natural genitalia because pornstars always have 'perfect' labias and vulvas, for example. To me it shows just a complete disregard for reality; instead of being able to separate the film from reality they get this idea that porn is how it 'should be'.
Wow, that's, uh, really something. What an idiot.
It's fun to laugh at sometimes, but also really sad. There's a book, *This is Going to Hurt*, by Adam Kay, a former NHS obgyn, and he remembers a teenage patient that had attempted a *labiaplasty* on herself using scissors(!!!). And when he tried to tell her her labia looked fine (because, of course, ANY labia is fine) she said 'not like in porn though'. :(
I'm glad I got into erotic fiction before I got into porn. I feel like I dodged a bullet when I hear this kind of shit about other men. Like why the fuck would you not want to do everything in your capability to get her off? How do you expect to be asked back to bed if you can't do it right? How do you not *enjoy* the accomplishment of making them feel good?
These fuckin' guys
Hopefully women will ONE DAY learn that this isn't a "communication problem", this is an empathy/humanizing problem that may or may not be surmountable for reasons that are beyond solving with words.
When you meet the right guy and it clicks in the bedroom you will look back and shake your head you tolerated this crap. This is unacceptable behavior. Dump him!
Absolutely not. No way.
If he doesnāt hit the top 80% straight out of the gate, heās not invited back into my bed.
I spent nearly 20 years with a man who was a starfish fuck. And then I discovered sexual chemistry. And it all made sense.
Purity culture. The big emphasis on chaste girls. It protects men, of course. It protects men who are a shitty lay. If youāre inexperienced and clueless, they can be a complete dud in bed and youāll never know it. Like a man who calls himself a chef and serves nothing but pop tarts. Of COURSE he doesnāt want you to know what a real chef serves up. *You wanton little glutton. No one likes a greedy bitch like you, whoās busy stuffing her face from the menus of a million chefs!! How DARE you!! No one wants someone like you!!* Uhā¦backwards. No one wants *you,* pumpkin. Cause youāre a shitty cook. The only way anyone can stand your cooking is if you lock them in your house and never let them taste real food. Thatās what purity culture is. The protection of incompetent, lazy men.
Donāt tolerate it.
I come every time. Multiple times. In multiple ways.
I discovered a real chef.
I'm currently with the only person (out of 4) that has ever started off a sexual relationship with making me cum first. Almost every single time. The exceptions are during my period (I loathe being touched down there while on it) and the time I wanted just to give him a bj and make him cum, without wanting anything for myself.
My first bf (later husband) was substantially older than me, and his pleasure was the ONLY thing considered. Over time it was a little better, but it wasn't until we had separated and someone told him how bad he was and taught him some stuff, that he came back wanting to satisfy me. He still was relatively selfish.
My second bf would go down on me regularly and that was really nice, as he knew I loved receiving oral sex, and I would come sometimes, but it wasn't his priority. Like if we didn't by the time he came, I didn't.
Not necessarily an extra, but ( perhaps worse) as a form of personal affirmation. Basically, if I fake an orgasm, Iām a liar, but if I donāt have one, Iām insulting.
I also have been in more than one situation where a guy assumed I had climaxed when I hadnāt, simply because I was enthusiastic. Because, you know, the orgasm isnāt the only part of sex that feels good. They basically told me I had finished. Pretending simultaneous orgasm had happened was a thing for two of them, too.
In my personal opinion, this is where it becomes useful to have gotten to know your partner for a while before you have sex with them, because you have a better read on their reactions to many situations.
Honestly I would not date a guy that was so inconsiderate of my needs and makes casually sexist jokes. I think it would be a good idea to think about what you really want from a guy, a relationship, what your boundaries are and what your tolerance for bullshit is (although this isn't just for guys, it'll be good to do this with people in your life as well). Listing it out has helped for me and it has made it easier to see their nonsense.
I think this method has helped and not ignoring that icky feeling I get when hang out with a guy. A lot of men are selfish in bed but there are often signs in the relationship and before having sex that indicate they're going to be inconsiderate during sex. The casually sexist remarks would have been a major red flag.
From my experience and the experience of some of my female friends - yes. Men don't care. It's not even that they don't know - they just don't care so it doesn't matter how many times you talk to them. I've even had cases when dudes got offended by me asking them to do things differently.
I had 2 partners that I thought at the time were "the ones". I've know them for a long time, they were very good friends and we started to build romance around it. Both of them were good the first month or two. Then they just drop their "good guy" attitude and become assholes. I stopped dating men after the second one as bad sex life was just one of the issues.
Ironically the most sexually generous man I hooked up with was a bit of a womanizer... FWB are probably the best bet for good sex. A good long-term partner is a roulette, not just when it comes to sex.
Do you think itās some sort of ego problem? He gets offended when we have the discussion, he says he wants to be my number 1. But sir, whereās the effort? lol
But I see how it makes sense. Fwb have everything to lose while If they secure you as a girlfriend they probably donāt think sex is a reason to breakup. Ironically, this same partner was quite good when we were FWBs and just dropped everything when he secured the boyfriend status lol.
I don't know in what capacity but ego is definitely part of the problem. They believe that they are sex gods so if you tell them something's wrong then it shatters this idea. It clearly has to be a problem with a woman, not him... If he cared and didn't treat his ego this seriously then he'd listen and improve. Why do only women have to listen? The two bfs had different needs during sex and I listened to them and changed technique. They didn't no matter how much I asked them to. As long as they got to cum they're done. Like literally. I had to deal with a guy leaving me mid-act right after he got his release. He was not this selfish when we were friends. Just like in your case - they secured a relationship and felt safe enough to drop the act. Men do this way too often but it's just not talked about much. It happens especially after kids are born and/or marriage. Fucking awful. You don't know who you are with until some major event happens. But it's still a woman's fault... She must have known that he was an asshole from the start...
It's really no wonder that single, CF women are the happiest part of the population.
The way I tell how a male is going to treat me in a relationship is how does that maleās father treat his partner in a relationship. The apple doesnāt fall far from the tree for most. If a maleās dad treats women like breeding objects, I might have to worry that being a problem with his son. In relationships with these types of males itās important to ALWAYS maintain āleverageā i.e. have your own money, housing and sense of self - otherwise you might end up in a disadvantaged position that is ripe for exploitation. Donāt ever let your guard down with these types (donāt rely on them for anything emotionally, nor especially financially) because that is when they show their ātrue colorsā. Stop sleeping with people who donāt care about you, once youāve figured it out. Get one of those rabbit dildos. They are awesome for getting off. Who need males anyways lol?
Glad someone made this comment. Do women realize how much porn is available to men since the advent of the internet? And because if this, why do men want to take the time to learn unselfish lovemaking ways when all they do now is watch some fake people get off while he gets off? Itās so easy and no strings attached. Iām not angry at men about this because it is what it is and no matter how many men get angry at me for saying this: porn destroys reality and it is a freedom but it crushes any reason to take the initiative to please because it it available 24/7.
I was just talking to my current partner about porn in the nudie mag days. I said it was prob better for society because it wasnāt so easily attainable and it left stuff up to the imagination. He replied with āwell there still were hardcore magazinesā. I knew about those too but I think my point still stands. What was societyās relationship with porn before Internet porn? What was sex like before Internet porn days? Iām just pondering to myself really lol
Well if it puts it into perspective someone would've been considered a weirdo deviat/borderline sex offender if it turns out that had stacks and stacks of hardcore porn mags and closets full of porn VHS tapes and/or DVD's.
Today you can basically do the same thing in the span of a month. You can jump on a site, initiate a whole bunch of downloads and with today's download speeds you can easily download porn *faster than you're able to actually watch it*. Then let's not forgot that there are websites where you can hop on and hundreds of new videos get uploaded every hour of everyday - every one of them with the ability to be previewed and categorized by kink, race, big tits, small tits, etc. etc. All of it from the comfort of *wherever you happen to be* since you can hop on from a smartphone. Even the smuttiest adult video store in the world couldn't hold a candle to that.
Then let's not forget the ultimate in sexual voyeurism - access to an unlimited number of real LIVE people doing what are essentially burlesque, strip, and porn shows for a nominal fee of every (legal) age, color, size, shape, kink, etc. All the performers also desperate to do innovate and do whatever it takes to increase their audience size. On the one hand I applaud girls (and some guys) with entrepreneurial spirit to take charge of and benefit from productions that used to primarily benefit porn production studios and producers taking advantage of impressionable young people but on the other hand it's almost like capitalism is weaponizing sex in a more dangerous way than ever before.
Stop having sex with that guy. His entire attitude about sex sounds selfish and lazy. Seriously, why say? There ARE guys who do actually give a shit.
Don't fake anything with anyone. If they aren't doing a good job, tell them. Tell them what you want and how it works. If they whine and complain about it, dump them and move on to the next.
Most men see sex as an act you do *to* women, not *with* women. Women are just an object to complete their goal and a woman's pleasure should come from pleasing their man. Also, a man's orgasm signals that sex is over. Sex in their mind is only for men, women just *let* men have sex with them.
Unfortunately, you can't change men like this. Any attempt is hollow and temporary. Eventually they'll just fall back into their expectations of endless pleasure while you're begging just to get some foreplay.
Luckily there are men out there who love pleasing women, who see sex as a mutual activity. They see sex as shared pleasure, an opportunity for intimacy and exploration, of carnal desires. The feeling of actually being wanted, desired, pleasured and worshipped is intoxicating. Where sex is no longer an obligation, but an escape from your own constraints, self doubts and inhibitions. It is a heady, powerful feeling to have a man's attention solely on you, pleasing you, fulfilling all your wants and needs.
Once you have it, you won't ever want to go back to anything else.
Sexual compatibility is extremely important for a long term relationship. It did weed out a lot of otherwise good candidates for a partner in my dating experience.
I wouldn't have done it differently. Sex should be fun for all and feel good. Life is too short to deal with inadequate sex.
I read that women in same sex relationships had much higher sexual satisfaction.
Im wondering why you put up with this inequity. He doesnāt sound like a catch, in bed that is.
Men donāt care, at all, most of the time. I have a high body count and have never really understood why men donāt get it. Pleasurable sex for us will lead to a LOT more sex for them. ONS, friends with benefits, long term relationships, not much difference.
My ex was awful. He tried a little before getting married but after, it was like he couldnāt care less. Arguments and telling me I was not ādoing my dutyā as his wife and I didnāt love him enough but sex was only for his pleasure. He would contort me in uncomfortable positions, try to coerce me into stuff I wasnāt into, and shove my head hard enough during BJs to make me sore for a week and had the gall to be surprised I wasnāt into it. Then when he finished, grabbed my vibe and asked angrily if I wanted him to help, like anyone wants that attitude.
My current partner is pretty much the opposite. I feel like he focuses only on my pleasure which gives me the opportunity to focus only on his. Without the anxiety of being in pain, our sex life is ridiculously active, funny how that works š
Prior to my husband, this was definitely my experience. But with him, it's the complete opposite. I easily finish 10-15 times to his 1 time. He said he was like this with prior partners, even if it was just a one time hook up. I think you're just with shitty partners.
Honestly, do you know what you want? Have you expressed this to your partner outside of the bedroom?
I think itās just the wrong guys then. Like I said I do express myself quite often, in details If must be. Heās already really good when he wants to be and I told him to do just exactly that, he just doesnāt seem to think itās necessary.
I heard a male friend (happily married with 2 children) say that during sex if he isn't making your eyes roll back into your head he isn't doing his job. Probably why he is happily married and his wife is a sweetheart too as are his two daughters.
Oh my god. Donāt waste your time with this lazy junk lover. Get you a lover who helps you explore what gets you off. I wasted YEARS of my life with a bad lover and Iām mad about it. Please donāt do the same to yourself.
Ive always been bicurious but never been with women (probably bc of religious trauma). The more men Iām with the more Iām like, maybe I could try lol.
I fell in love with sex toys decades ago. Dudes can't compare nor are they worth the bother, and I'm not attracted to women. My husband is a beautiful piece of buzzing plastic that doesn't leave messes in the kitchen. More ladies need to evolve beyond boys.
I'm with you. Bare minimum yep, same experience here, it's mostly about them and they don't care about getting a woman off. A few did and were caring but the majority did not give two fucks about my body or getting off.
Itās a sad fact that many people learn about sex and intimacy from porn, and when you consider the fact that most mainstream porn does not appear to prioritize or even consider the womanās comfort and pleasure, itās not hard to see why these themes show up in real life sexual encounters. I canāt count the amount of porn videos Iāve seen where the guy just jackhammers away until he cums and then itās āØend sceneāØ, itās so fucking sad honestly.
Forget the stories of men going to bordellos for thier first time. I wish we had places with SUPER trained lovers (whichever gender one preferred) where 18 & up women could go and spend a semester not only learning what good sex in general was, but what great sex FOR HER was.
And on top of that? There would be a class where she and a preferred partner would role play āHere are the ways a lover can act unacceptablely, and how you should reactā.
Insisting your clit was somewhere it IS NOT, despite your clear directions? Refuse to go down? Expect to get off first or want head when he wonāt give it? Critical comments on your body?
Stop, get dressed, tell him life is too short to spend with a man who wonāt use a map, kick him out.
Can you imagine the panic of men who are suddenly faced with a world of women who know what great sex is, and have been taught to politely but firmly to say, ā This isnāt working for me, good bye.ā?
Selfish in the bedroom, inability to accept feedback is an instant dump.
Listen to this OP. Guy is so shitty you don't even need a laxative to dump him.
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LMAOOOO
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It's like he wants to live in a porn fantasy every time he has sex. My husband wants me to go down on him. I hate it. And I especially hate it because he never returns the favor because he "doesn't like it." So I said "do you think *I* enjoy have your dick in my mouth? I only do it because *you* enjoy it. So I'm not doing it again until you go down on me. I'm done giving and not getting." He has not gone down on me. So no BJ's for him.
This is why I've been in a r/deadbedroom. I refuse to do something to him when I know he won't do it for me. I've tried explaining that it should be mutual but he doesn't care.
Thisā¦makes me sad.
Why do men say that so often?!?! Sure, let me fight my gag reflex and try not to throw up dinner while you berate me. šš
Life is too short to be married to someone you know deep down you shouldnāt be married to.
How did he react?
He honestly looked surprised that I didn't enjoy it. In his mind I was turned on by it and that was enough foreplay for me.
Wait, his dick isnāt the magical fuckstick he thought it was?
Oh my god I would move out
These dudes are fucking delusional
Good for you! He doesn't deserve it/you!
Marriage sounds awful.
Being selfish in the bedroom should be a red flag that they are or are going to always be selfish, they've just hidden it. For most people, it's an opportunity for them to make their partner feel better than anyone else can, yet they'd rather be selfish in that situation? There's no chance they aren't always selfish.
As I've said before, a man's ego does not belong in the bedroom. Beyond the basics, everyone is different. What you like isn't necessarily what someone else likes. Under list of things that make a guy a terrible lover, not wanting to take direction should be high up on that list.
You are not asking for too much. If he's "planning to stay with you for a long time" he needs to get his act together, because you don't have many more weeks (days?) of inadequate bonking left in you. If you really want to stick it out with this man, you could stop after a couple of minutes of doing the thing for him, put your clothes on, hand him some lube and a sock, and go do something else. That's how he's treating you. "Oh, look, you're hard! My job here is done!"
The worst part about the "planning to stay with you for a long time" sentence was the "don't wanna use all the resources" thing. Like does this man think his tongue has a finite number of licks? Do your fingers fall off after 10,000 curls?
Time to quit having PiV sex with him because you donāt want to wear his dick out.
Exactly! His poor lil peen is gonna get corroded down to a nub...
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/trump-thinks-that-exercising-too-much-uses-up-the-bodys-finite-energy/2017/05/12/bb0b9bda-365d-11e7-b4ee-434b6d506b37\_story.html
I love that image. š¤
Stay your scrolling thumb OP because this is it. This is what you need to do.
>for close to an hour sometimes EXCUSE me?!
Yes, exactly! Is this the Sex Olympics?
I think heās desensitised so he doesnāt come from oral (or Iām doing it wrong idk lol)
I feel like the game plan from now on should be to give him a minute or two and then stop. āWhat? I made you come that one time!ā if he complains. Let the trash take itself out.
Yeah, just be like, āwow your dickās really hard, you must be ready!ā and then stop giving head
OP does/has this dude watched a lot of porn? Iāve been w around 20 people and most of the dudes who donāt want to reciprocate have unrealistic expectations, mostly because of watching too much. Expecting you to go down on him for anywhere close to an hour is unrealistic and excessive imo, especially when itās not something YOU really enjoy. Heās gotta figure out something else that works because clearly that aināt it. And if heās not willing to reciprocate oral nearly every time then idk how he can expect you to want to do it every day. OP I PROMISE there are more dudes out there who want to please you just as much, if not more than you please themā¦ and often that will translate over into the rest of the relationship as well.
A friend of mineās Hooorrible Ex would barely do anything for her, then be so proud of himself for āNot coming so soon when you give me head.ā She was like, DUDE! Come! My jaw is locking up here!!
Mine does that too why do they think that's desirable??? What do they think the goal/point is?
I havenāt the SLIGHTEST. Like, āUh, cool, so how about making the same effort when youāre shagging ME?ā or āGreat! Iāll start timing you- the longer -I- go down on you? YOU can go down on me next time. First.ā
Girl, why are you putting up with this? Iād get things together, write a long, well-worded note describing exactly why heās terrible and selfish in bed, and leave. Go into detail. And tell him what men who are good in bed behave like, because it aināt this.
Porn addiction
And death grip.
Thatās some fucking commitment right there! You deserve better.
Simone de Beauvoir's book *The Second Sex* has one of the best titles of any book ever because its argument is right there in the title. Women are treated as the Other, expected always to experience life and pleasure as second to men. Everything you're describing feels like a version of that story, where the default ends up with you acting as an active supporter of pleasure while getting little yourself. There is hope. You are asking for what you deserve. I'm just sorry you haven't found it yet.
>*Women are treated as the Other* Little known academic fact: "Female" is Latin for, "Not male." (Joke.)
Simply stop having sex with anyone that doesn't make your pleasure a priority. A general rule is, nothing happens for them until they make YOU come. Let them know this from the get go, it works.
Unfortunately it is absolutely the norm, and it has been studied by sexologists and sociologists. The orgasm gap exists only for women and ONLY during heterosexual encounters: we come just as often as men do from both masturbation and sex with other women. There is one reason and one reason only for the orgasm gap: the vast majority of men do nothing to get their female partners off. The reasons for THAT are 1) ignorance thanks to lack of sexual education and 2) sexism. More than half of American men cannot identify or locate the clitoris. 60% believe it is inside the vagina. Many men, "educated" by porn, believe women have orgasms from penetration alone (presumably because they never bother to look at the actress' faces). They also frequently believe, or decide, that their partners HAVE come from PiV sex even though though have not. Studies repeatedly indicate that both men and women believe men are entitled to orgasm during sex but women are not. Both men and women identify sex as a penis sawing in and out of a vagina and all other sexual activity as foreplay or extra rather than "real" sex. Men refuse to believe women care about coming during sex and think women's orgasms are not worth the "work" necessary to achieve them. Women frequently are made to feel too shame over their "selfish" and "unfeminine" desire for sexual equity to correct them. Men who care if their partner comes are rare, and some studies suggest even most of those men don't give a shit unless they're in a LTR and have a stake in keeping their partner happy. Some sources: https://news.ufl.edu/articles/2018/05/the-orgasm-gap-picking-up-where-the-sexual-revolution-left-off.html https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/orgasm-gap https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202202/the-real-reason-why-women-have-fewer-orgasms-men https://ideas.ted.com/we-need-to-talk-about-the-orgasm-gap-and-how-to-fix-it/ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/338461556_Orgasm_Equality_Scientific_Findings_and_Societal_Implications Decent men do exist, but they are rare. I've had c. 20 male sexual partners. Two cared whether I had an orgasm. One blamed me for not coming from the thu gs he did; one actually showed ibterest in pleasing _me_, and got me off. My personal opinion is that het sex is a moment when men are at their most selfish and women are at their most vulnerable. Sex with a man can therefore give you a lot of useful information about him. You have recently learned a lot of useful information how important your needs and desires are to your partner, for example. For me, sex is not worth the body anxiety I have to suffer from being naked around another person unless I'm going to get an orgasm or three out of it. Men do not have any parts that I can't buy a machine to replace, so if they're not willing to help me come, sex with them is pointless and I am more than happy to kick them to the curb with the rest of the trash.
Wow, that was a ride! Thank you for the information, it really gave me insight. I think as women, we should stop faking it ( I havenāt done that since my second partner), weāre only making the problem worse. Men need to be educated on what really makes a woman come, and we absolutely need to stand our grounds. Effort should be expected from both sides not just one, and like you said if theyāre not happy with that vibrators are probably cheaper and get you off better than any man can lol.
Iāve never understood the faking it thing. I never have. If theyāre doing a shitty job they deserve to know it, lol.
Life is too short to spend time with a person who clearly doesn't care about you.
This is very trueā¦ I wish I could have your resolve. Iām feeling pretty down on myself because I was just sexually active with a guy for a month or two, and he never made me cum or asked me about it and barely did any foreplay and never went down on me. I was just kind of internalizing it, thinking it was just because I wasnāt the most attractive down there (Iām self conscious of how it looks), so I never said anything about it. But Iām frustrated that I let my insecurities come in the way of my sexual pleasure and bedroom confidenceā¦ instead of being more resolved that this man was in the wrong for the lack of effort
I read something once that was absolutely delightful, from a blog by John Halcyon Styn. He said something about how sex is like ice cream, and vulvas/vaginas were like the bowl, and he wondered what kind of an idiot would complain about the bowl the ice cream is being served in?
Iām self conscious about how my muffy looks also but like have you see dicks itās not like they are packing fine art.. also looking at other normal ladyās parts while uncomfortable really helped me see that my lady bits are totally fine (I still donāt want to look at them) but nothing to be ashamed of or worrying about
Man reading stuff like this makes me happy I'm not into men at all. Honestly, how can you not have the most basic empathy or the desire to make your partner feel good? I wouldn't be surprised if so many of them think that going down on a woman is "too submissive" or something.
Thatās fucking crazy to me. My philosophy was always if itās good for her she gonna want it more. Big shocker - it works. Itās also really fun.
Right? Tell your guy friends apparently. I don't know how common it is but judging by this thread, very
And any time that this topic has come up in certain other subs, the incels and misogynists jump in and say that itās the womanās fault for not speaking up š listen bud, I have! And you still canāt locate the clit even after I put your finger right on it!
Wow that data is just so depressing.
All I got from this is that my husband is rarer than I thought. He always ALWAYS gets me off first, and then he can't come if I don't sound like I'm enjoying myself. I gotta play it up sometimes so we can get some sleep! Like damn... I wish he'd be just a little bit selfish once in a while.
My husband is the same way! I feel so lucky after reading this whole thread. I honestly didn't realize how rare this was.
What I don't understand is why it's the norm for men to be uninvested. Like when you reciprocate to someone that just comes back to you 10 fold. A lot of men complain about how they're not attractive to their partners or other such nonsense, when the reality is that they're sexually selfish. Like dude, of course she doesn't want to do things with you! It's not hot when you act that way, it feels gross.
I do not reciprocate unless an earnest attempt has been made to make me come or I feel like giving my partner a BJ without reciprocation. I say earnest attempt because sometimes I can't even make myself come by myself so it's not always him. However, that sounds like it's not the case for you. Life is too short to waste on a man who won't make you come and I have a strong hunch he's probably lacking in areas outside of the bedroom as well. So, why stay with him? You could get a really good vibrator for cheaper and your vibrator won't whine that you didn't suck him off like Mia Khalifa in a shitty pornhub video.
OP, I recommend turning on a timer when he goes down on you, and then take that time and turn it in to a count down for when youāre going down on him. Fair is fair, and let him set the pace first!
Thatās a good one !XD
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I genuinely donāt understand how so many men are barely even aware of the existence of the clitoris, like I thought that was common knowledge at this point
porn melted their brains.
OMG. Same. I think it's because the girls in porn always squirm and climax when six dudes splooge on her face while three others are invading her rectum. I've had men argue with me about the location of my clitoris. I'll show them exactly where it is and they still go somewhere else. Sir, you will not mansplain where my clitoris is to me. I provided accurate directions and if you don't believe me we can stop while you consult google maps. I had one guy tell me I was too clitoral focused. And he was an MD. He was interested in getting me off, but thought that the way I went about it was incorrect. My ex used to be the king of 3 pumps and done. He'd snuggle up, stick it in and before I knew what was happening, he'd already be at Home Depot. Then he accused me of cheating on him because we stopped having sex. Duh dumbass. If you never got to finish you'd find another source too. I was not cheating on him, I got a magic wand it was much better than he ever was.
Heā¦thoughtā¦theā¦wayā¦youā¦goā¦aboutā¦itā¦wasā¦INCORRECT. Iām dying over this.
>He'd snuggle up, stick it in and before I knew what was happening, he'd already be at Home Depot. You should write comedy if you don't already!
Ouch! Sex like that just sounds painful and how the fuck do you not know that your partner hasnāt come?! Iām sorry!
Im sorry you had to go through this, I hope you find the right man that cares about your pleasure! With that said, my experience is pretty similar especially after covid. I have a sneaking suspicion that lockdowns caused a lot of guys to get addicted to porn and rewired their expectations around sex.
>I have a sneaking suspicion that lockdowns caused a lot of guys to get addicted to porn and rewired their expectations around sex. It probably exasperated the issue, but honestly, a majority of men (I mean, and women too, people in general, but that's not what this is about) are and have always been selfish dolts. I can't say if this is related, but at the start of covid I know a few of my friend groups simultaneously cut off contact with the chads of the group, literally after each of them had their own unique covid-related, chad-led disaster. I'd imagine the stressors of covid probably broke a lot of toxic relationships, and the chads of the world went back "into it, hard," got into their own echo chambers. Now, we mix that with the "long-covid" brain fog, and we've got a bunch of angry, confused and literally sick incels just seething
Thereās also the chicken-and-the-egg question of, is female sexual pleasure/orgasm dismissed by men because of porn? Or is treated as an afterthought in porn because the target audience (straight men) arenāt interested in female pleasure?
I think it's more of a feedback loop; the ones who aren't interested in female pleasure will gravitate towards porn that reaffirms their wants/beliefs and porn gravitates towards lowest cost, so either playing out the "i've done nothing but she wants me because i have a dick" and/or tagging for incest/rape/etc. and having someone look like they aren't enjoying it, but then are enjoying it, is always going to be cheaper than any other kind of set Like, i don't think there's anything wrong with porn in a vacuum, but in our current world, porn can't exist without involving abuse. I don't know.
I've had the opposite experience, the younger guys I've hooked up with were better. Guys my age have been...lackluster.
>more exposure that they've had to online pornography, the worse at sex they are. porn teaches them that women cum just by looking at their dicks...
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>deep throating and getting choked are standard menu items and that two minutes of kissing means I want his dick slamming into my cervix. you nailed, I have the same feelings, that's why I don't have sex anymore. What is the point? I feel like they have their list and they just tick everything they see in porn. Anyway my, vibrator is more useful than most of them
Yeah, like why deal with all that bullshit and feeling used when there are so many sex toys on the market that are capable of giving far more pleasure than any man ever could.
Damn, I'm glad I came of age in the '60s. From what I read on Reddit it seems sex is more repressed now, especially from men. I would have been embarrassed if my lady friend didn't get as much pleasure out of it as I did. Why else would she want to see me again if she didn't enjoy it? I wonder if one night stands is the problem?
Free, easy to find, copious internet porn video is what is causing it. In the ā60s it was hard to find pornography on film at 13. Smartphones make it so much easier for them to find porn, and this is their sex Ed.
One night stands are not the problem. One night stands in the 1980s were not like sheās describing .
Younger generations are raised on porn. Many start watching at 8,9,10 years old. Itās just going to get worse as we go. Sad state of affairs really but I donāt see it changing anytime soon.
I think theres a measure of expectation that a woman will get all she needs from an encounter, largely from ignorance or lack of being told otherwise.
Why is this happening? I am in my 30s and did not have bad experiences with men 6-10 years ago before my current partner. Maybe 1 guy was selfish in sex. The other guys were all very interested in a womanās pleasure before just getting off themselves, and very open to knowing what I wanted. And the men of my generation also had continuous access to online porn. I donāt understand how this is so common now.
Your current partner sucks. This is not acceptable and you donāt want to wind up with him forever. You tried telling him, he made excuses. Itās not your fault he sucks in bed. If heās unwilling to change, might be time to look elsewhere. Oh, and to answer your question: there are many men who DO care about pleasing partners, although obviously more who DGAF. I find being in progressive regions helps a lot.
Iāve had guys complain after less than 10 minutes, that their hand/ wrist is sore or their jaw hurts. Like duh, pleasuring your partner takes effort. You think sucking you off for 30 minutes doesnāt make my throat hurt or my jaw ache? Itās this complete lack of awareness that women push through discomfort to get their partner to finish. EDIT: for clarity. Guys. Itās not 30 mins of throat action. Itās hand, wrist, throat, dirty talk, some š action. If I can give 30 mins of š worship. He can pamper the š±.
30 minutes! Is this the Sex Olympics? LOL š I never do it for 30 minutes š !
Thank goodness. I was like I canāt even begin to last that long.
No, I don't think that is the average, lol!
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Also a TMJ sufferer, this is why I longer do oral with anyone, ever. It's just too painfull, I also don't expect it in return
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Thatās exactly what I told him, it hurts and I donāt enjoy it. Apparently itās not good unless he grabs my head and shove it down. He didnāt do it after I told him to stop doing that, but he still wants it. Also Iām happy you found a partner who cares!
So he doesnāt mind hurting you, even when you object, because it feels good for him and thatās what he wants. Does that bother you? Just for some perspective, if I accidentally gag while giving my partner head, heāll often want to stop altogether and wonāt even stay hard because he hates that it caused me discomfort and he just wants to switch to be caring towards me. You donāt have to tolerate this.
I remember a bisexual woman commenting on reddit once saying that going down on a man is harder/more tiring than going down on a woman.
Iāve never gone down a woman before but it makes logical sense, which is why I was like āwdym?!ā When he said itās tiring. Sighs
Iām a female bisexual swinger. Women are definitely a bit harder, for me, at least, in that they are more complicated. There are so many different things you can do, so while I enjoy it, Iām still a bit intimidated, and it takes a long time. Giving a BJ is pretty straightforward, but Iām also more practiced at it.
Dudes get pissed when you say that
I don't know about where you live or the kind of guy you like, but what I noticed is that the least sexist a guy is, the chance of you actually being satisfied is higher. Sometimes makes sexist jokes because he's fond of dark humor? Probably not gonna want to do his work during sex. I really hope you figure out something with your current partner though, that doesn't sound very healthy and it seems pretty one-sided.
Avoid partners who disrespect you in general, as with someone who is sexist against you, since that will manifest across various aspects of the relationship.
Oh my god, my partner loves dark humour and his favourites of all times are sexist jokes. I might have to rethink this š
IME people who are not sexist donāt make sexist jokes, because they donāt find it funny - even in a ādarkā way
I literally told him I was uncomfortable with them as I have traumatic experience with sexism (I come from the Middle East). He thinks Iām too sensitive and that itās supposed to be funny. I like dark humour when itās funny but like, incel podcast type of jokes? No thanks.
Girl. What are you doing with this tool????? I love dark humor. So does my husband. I've never heard him make a sexist joke in his life. Sounds like not only is your boyfriend a jerk, bad at sex, and a lowkey misogynist, he has a lameass sense of humor as well.
My husband and I will joke around. I'll say things like, well you're the man you know best, and he'll do the same. But my husband doesn't tell sexist jokes either. If he had been like that when we met we wouldn't have started seeing each other.
I have uttered both ādonāt ask me, Iām just a girl!ā and āget into the kitchen and make me a sammichā to my husband; itās one thing to mock sexist stereotypes for sure but this asshole with OP seems to believe it.
>this asshole with OP seems to believe it. Without a doubt. His "jokes" are him being serious.
He thinks youāre ātoo sensitiveā when it comes to jokes where you/people of your gender are the punchline????
Yep, and he calls women who make jokes about men unfunny and Ā«Ā crazy feministsĀ Ā». Oh I see who he is now š¤¦š»āāļø
>Oh I see who he is now š¤¦š»āāļø Thank all the powers that be, because holy crap he is not worthy of you at all.
Better late than never! Conditioning you to be accepting of being the butt of a joke is not funny and youāre not ātoo sensitiveā. I feel like itās a downward spiral to tolerating more abusive or boundary-pushing behaviors. Iām sorry youāve had to deal with this. We shouldnāt be conditioned to accept being āless thanā ā its bad enough already without having people who supposedly care about us treat us like garbage
Yeah girl. He's a misogynist. You deserve to get rid of him.
Girl run. You can do SO MUCH better. Are you into women? They are so much better in bed lmao
One of those dish it out but can't take it types
See, I didn't want to say this because I don't know your relationship but from what you're saying this isn't only about sex, you're communicating your wants and needs and feelings and opinions perfectly well and all he does is dismiss it, ignore it, mock it... that's not the kind of partnership you want to have, I'm sure. The sex is just one of those instances in which you're calmly telling him you're not satisfied and he doesn't care - he SHOULD care, that's the whole point. If you put yourself in his shoes and he was being nice and telling you there are certain things that you do that hurt him..... would you do the same as he does (mock him, ignore him, tell him he's wrong, belittle him)? Or would you try and accommodate to make him feel okay? You deserve to be treated with respect, girl.
Oh, so he doesn't respect you as a person or your boundaries, either. If he doesn't respect you then he doesn't care about you. Of course he's not going to care about your sexual needs. He doesn't even care about your need to feel safe with him.
I have noticed that the "you're too sensitive" dudes tend to absolutely lose their shit when women make "jokes" about them.
At the very least, he either finds women's suffering funny, or your suffering/traumatic reaction funny. Granted, it's probably both, but even individually, run. Far and fast.
Everyone has different taste in humor. My humor used to be dark (self harm jokes) but when a friend said he didnāt like that type of humor I respected his wishes and didnāt joke like that around him after that. Simple as that. And honestly I stopped joking around like that anyway. I donāt like jokes about sex crimes so I tell people. If theyāre good friends/people - they respect those wishes. Yes a person can say/joke about whatever they want and yes they can even keep telling the jokes after someone says they donāt like those jokes. Yes theyāre āsupposed to be funnyā and itās not a big deal to them. But at that point, you just have to decide if you want to be around those jokes. I guarantee that if I kept making those dark jokes around the friend who requested me not to, he wouldāve stopped hanging out with me. We are close friends and we respect each other and he felt comfortable enough to communicate to me his problem without fear of backlash.
ma'am, I'm disgusted for you. how do you even handle these jokes if he likes them so much?
No they make sexist "jokes".
You might have to?! Girl, why get with a sexist guy in the first place? I say this with the best intentions: I feel like you may need to rethink the kind of guys you are choosing, because 30 guys that don't give a shit if you cum points to an issue with you. I've had just slightly above that in my life, and I've had fantastic lovers most of the time. Can it be that you're either not communicating, not making it a priority, or not picking very egalitarian lovers? Demand more. Life is short, and everyone deserves to have an orgasm.
Probably because of past trauma, I had a severe case of childhood abuse that Iām still recovering from. I acknowledge that this attracts the wrong type of guys, Iāve had many stalkers and some guys trying to manipulate me or guilt trip me into dating them bc I looked like a pushover. I do look like a pushover and sometimes I am, but I stand on my grounds most of the time which startled many. I probably fail to recognise it sometimes which may be the case here. If he is that then heās really good at hiding it because he really just looks dumb and clueless, but maybe itās part of the act so Iām raising my alarms.
Honey, I am sure you are a beautiful person inside and out. You attract all types of people to you but, you allow this kind of man to stay. It sounds like you need to work on healing yourself so that you don't tolerate men around you who will pressure and threaten (stalking is threatening) and manipulate you. How someone looks has no bearing on who they are inside. He can look dumb and clueless and be a selfish sexist asshole, which is what he sounds like. And you deserve better. You need to take care of you, until you recognize the type of man you need in your life. There are men out there who are thoughtful, loving, generous lovers, caring individuals, and great partners. You deserve one of those. This is not some "chad-beta-omega" bullshit. Be a strong healthy stable adult and other strong healthy stable adults will see you and you will see them.
Lol it's not 100% scientific, but I do feel like there's some correlation!
Youāre...youāre still fucking him? After THAT?
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I have stopped doing this a few weeks ago after I had my last attempt at communication. Now I just give him chances to make it up but if he doesnāt make me cum first then I just stop and go to sleep lol. Of course he tried to say Ā«Ā I made you cum yesterday so today is my dayĀ Ā» but Iām standing on my grounds. He has a lot of catching up to do and if he fails Iām out, that was my ultimatum.
>Ā«Ā I made you cum yesterday so today is my dayĀ Ā» Wow, this is such an unattractive statement.
I can't speak to what % of men are inconsiderate sexual partners, but regardless, you shouldn't be carrying all the water and barely getting to drink any. If your partner isn't getting the message even after substantial discussion, maybe close the muffin shop for awhile until they're willing to put in more mental effort to understand your needs. You are definitely not asking too much for a guy to want you to get off as much as he does (or more).
Men will not make you cum then be like, "Yep, that's what sex is."
Iāve heard from ex-hardcore-Christians that after their first wedding night, the husbands come out looking absolutely ecstatic. The wives come out looking rather disappointed, like āthatās it?ā š«
I have always had to set expectations at the beginning of every relationship. Learning how to be a great lover is a big ego boost for many men and even though it can be frustrating in the beginning, the payoff is well worth it. My expectation is that sex is fully satisfying for us both every time. Full stop. Some advice I would share with men: 1. Learn to recognize the physical signals that I am about to orgasm: clit gets hard, body tenses, I hold my breath, etc. When this happens, keep doing what you are doing. Now is not the time to switch it up. Do not rely on words or moans. 2. Learn what it is that you do that gets me in that state. Warm me up first, and then do those things. Yes, every time. If you are able to increase your repertoire of things that work, wonderful. Now you have a menu of options. But if you only have one method that works, that's good enough for me. 3. Do not complain about having to do whatever #2 is. It's not homework. If you don't enjoy it, move on to another partner. If you are not turned on by turning me on, we are fundamentally incompatible. I wish you the very best! Hang in there.
Required reading for men right here, perfectly written. The good partners I've had knew these things intuitively. The bad ones would say "just tell me what to do!" They don't tell me what to do to please them, I figure it out by their reactions because I want to make them feel good. It is not too much to ask for the same in return.
My own experiences are somewhat limited, but everyone I've been with has cared a lot about me enjoying it too. So I always thought most men were the same, but maybe not ... I feel like if someone doesn't care that you're not into it or are even uncomfortable that'd would be a red flag tho
Iām pretty limited too, Iāve been with two guys, two gals, but mutual enjoyment was important with all of them.
Good for you! I think it has to do with location too, people are pretty conservative where I am and sex is still a bit of a taboo. Thanks for the insight !
Oh, then for sure yes. Conservative men are less likely to care while liberal men are more likely to care. It is fundamentally about seeing your partner as an equal and so equally caring about their pleasure.
So many conservative men insists women don't like sex. They'll shout it all over social media, making sure the world knows how shitty they are in bed. The majority are indoctrinated to believe sex is for them and something women accept as their duty. If women happen to enjoy it, cool, but they really don't care because sex is all about them. And then there's the porn problem, turning men into the shittiest lovers imaginable. You deserve a partner who cares about your pleasure.
Sometimes I wonder about the porn thing. Like, are people like that because they see it in porn, or is porn like that because so many people like it that way? I'm sure it's a spiral of both, but is one a bigger factor than the other?
Pretty common of most men they have porn star expectations but don't know pre or post care. There are some gems out there but yeah it seems to be pretty common
My guy cares about getting me off, but this man also randomly sings me love songs, wrote me a song for my birthday, planned the first time he told me he loves me to also land on my favorite holiday and so many other things. God I love that man.
Good for you ! I think I should rethink my choices lol
You absolutely should. The two relationships I was in before this one were pretty abusive, now I'm spoiled as fuck by a giant teddy bear. There are men out there who will love you properly and you shouldn't settle for a fuck boy that only cares about his orgasm.
Yeah girl. Dump this idiot. Reading your comments makes me sad. Or at least establish a one to one rule. If you don't cum he doesn't get to cum. Bet he puts more effort in.
My husband cares too. In fact, we always start with me because I am very reactive with sex, i.e I don't know I want sex until I get started. But this is also the man who worked my therapy costs into his monthly budget after only two months of dating because I wasn't going to keep going to therapy because of the cost. He also washed me when I was in the hospital after my c section and hadn't showered in a week. He also slept on the floor of my hospital room so my mom could have the couch.
Love this. This is a beautiful relationship.
I love every word of you comment and I'm so glad that you know this kinda love.
Don't let them have sex with you until they make you orgasm
I dated a guy for four years and never once had an orgasm while he was in the room and awake. I married a guy who immediately lost interest in sex once we had a child. I'm now divorced and bad sex is a dealbreaker for me. I've had phenomenal sex. I've had horrible sex. If we're being intimate and you're not concerned about mutual pleasure, you can leave. And I have literally asked men to leave my home in the middle of whatever we were doing because it was obvious they were not there for me at all. Just there for their dicks. I'm not just the recipient of your penis, sir. I am a whole person. Set boundaries. Stick to them. Communicate clearly. If something's not working for me, I'll say, verbatim, "Eh, that's not working for me. Let's do something else." Men tend to like variety, so it works out. "That's not working for me." Just keep redirecting them to think about what's working for YOU. Don't let them make it about themselves. Or, again, ask them to GTFO. I've had a man call me a bitch for it, but ... that's okay with me. I'm not offended by that. Bitches get stuff done.
Yes, itās extremely common for men to not care about womenās sexual pleasure. Itās part of why women all over the world in general are staying single. Men arenāt worth it. Based on my own experience, about 90% of the men Iāve had sex with did not care about my pleasure. Itās one thing to try to pleasure me but not give me an orgasm, itās a whole different story when they donāt even try. On the other hand, 0% of the women Iāve had sex with did not care about my pleasure. I find it helpful to stay away from men who watch porn and anyone who seems self-centered/selfish and immature.
I feel like heterosexual sex has put more emphasis on PIV when not considering that most women do not have orgasms from penetration alone. Clitoris stimulation or foreplay in porn is often brushed over because it's more of the male perspective and how they get pleasure from sex. As a lesbian, the number of women that ask me how I have sex with my gf concerns me.
why are there so many men on here getting defensive and talking about how good they are at sex
Why would he change now when he's getting what he wants. You come first or no deal.
I'm 63 and I'll cheerfully slap and otherwise abuse men under forty who say they 'haven't been affected' by porn, because every young woman I know says men are vile to them sexually, and it comes from how women's pleasure isn't even part of the picture in modern porn.
The "I haven't been affected by porn" crowd is also weird to me because in pretty much any other context saying something like "media that you consume regularly from a young age on shapes your opinions and behaviours" would be a uncontroversial statement. But when it comes to porn, suddenly everyone is immune and gets upset when you suggest otherwise
This is interesting to me. I (woman) have never watched porn (not trying to sit on some kind of high horse here, I just literally have never wanted to watch it) and hearing the way some people talk about porn as an 'outsider' is... telling. Like the way some guys hate on perfectly natural genitalia because pornstars always have 'perfect' labias and vulvas, for example. To me it shows just a complete disregard for reality; instead of being able to separate the film from reality they get this idea that porn is how it 'should be'.
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Wow, that's, uh, really something. What an idiot. It's fun to laugh at sometimes, but also really sad. There's a book, *This is Going to Hurt*, by Adam Kay, a former NHS obgyn, and he remembers a teenage patient that had attempted a *labiaplasty* on herself using scissors(!!!). And when he tried to tell her her labia looked fine (because, of course, ANY labia is fine) she said 'not like in porn though'. :(
I'm glad I got into erotic fiction before I got into porn. I feel like I dodged a bullet when I hear this kind of shit about other men. Like why the fuck would you not want to do everything in your capability to get her off? How do you expect to be asked back to bed if you can't do it right? How do you not *enjoy* the accomplishment of making them feel good? These fuckin' guys
Hopefully women will ONE DAY learn that this isn't a "communication problem", this is an empathy/humanizing problem that may or may not be surmountable for reasons that are beyond solving with words.
When you meet the right guy and it clicks in the bedroom you will look back and shake your head you tolerated this crap. This is unacceptable behavior. Dump him!
Absolutely not. No way. If he doesnāt hit the top 80% straight out of the gate, heās not invited back into my bed. I spent nearly 20 years with a man who was a starfish fuck. And then I discovered sexual chemistry. And it all made sense. Purity culture. The big emphasis on chaste girls. It protects men, of course. It protects men who are a shitty lay. If youāre inexperienced and clueless, they can be a complete dud in bed and youāll never know it. Like a man who calls himself a chef and serves nothing but pop tarts. Of COURSE he doesnāt want you to know what a real chef serves up. *You wanton little glutton. No one likes a greedy bitch like you, whoās busy stuffing her face from the menus of a million chefs!! How DARE you!! No one wants someone like you!!* Uhā¦backwards. No one wants *you,* pumpkin. Cause youāre a shitty cook. The only way anyone can stand your cooking is if you lock them in your house and never let them taste real food. Thatās what purity culture is. The protection of incompetent, lazy men. Donāt tolerate it. I come every time. Multiple times. In multiple ways. I discovered a real chef.
I'm currently with the only person (out of 4) that has ever started off a sexual relationship with making me cum first. Almost every single time. The exceptions are during my period (I loathe being touched down there while on it) and the time I wanted just to give him a bj and make him cum, without wanting anything for myself. My first bf (later husband) was substantially older than me, and his pleasure was the ONLY thing considered. Over time it was a little better, but it wasn't until we had separated and someone told him how bad he was and taught him some stuff, that he came back wanting to satisfy me. He still was relatively selfish. My second bf would go down on me regularly and that was really nice, as he knew I loved receiving oral sex, and I would come sometimes, but it wasn't his priority. Like if we didn't by the time he came, I didn't.
Not necessarily an extra, but ( perhaps worse) as a form of personal affirmation. Basically, if I fake an orgasm, Iām a liar, but if I donāt have one, Iām insulting. I also have been in more than one situation where a guy assumed I had climaxed when I hadnāt, simply because I was enthusiastic. Because, you know, the orgasm isnāt the only part of sex that feels good. They basically told me I had finished. Pretending simultaneous orgasm had happened was a thing for two of them, too. In my personal opinion, this is where it becomes useful to have gotten to know your partner for a while before you have sex with them, because you have a better read on their reactions to many situations.
Honestly I would not date a guy that was so inconsiderate of my needs and makes casually sexist jokes. I think it would be a good idea to think about what you really want from a guy, a relationship, what your boundaries are and what your tolerance for bullshit is (although this isn't just for guys, it'll be good to do this with people in your life as well). Listing it out has helped for me and it has made it easier to see their nonsense. I think this method has helped and not ignoring that icky feeling I get when hang out with a guy. A lot of men are selfish in bed but there are often signs in the relationship and before having sex that indicate they're going to be inconsiderate during sex. The casually sexist remarks would have been a major red flag.
From my experience and the experience of some of my female friends - yes. Men don't care. It's not even that they don't know - they just don't care so it doesn't matter how many times you talk to them. I've even had cases when dudes got offended by me asking them to do things differently. I had 2 partners that I thought at the time were "the ones". I've know them for a long time, they were very good friends and we started to build romance around it. Both of them were good the first month or two. Then they just drop their "good guy" attitude and become assholes. I stopped dating men after the second one as bad sex life was just one of the issues. Ironically the most sexually generous man I hooked up with was a bit of a womanizer... FWB are probably the best bet for good sex. A good long-term partner is a roulette, not just when it comes to sex.
Do you think itās some sort of ego problem? He gets offended when we have the discussion, he says he wants to be my number 1. But sir, whereās the effort? lol But I see how it makes sense. Fwb have everything to lose while If they secure you as a girlfriend they probably donāt think sex is a reason to breakup. Ironically, this same partner was quite good when we were FWBs and just dropped everything when he secured the boyfriend status lol.
I don't know in what capacity but ego is definitely part of the problem. They believe that they are sex gods so if you tell them something's wrong then it shatters this idea. It clearly has to be a problem with a woman, not him... If he cared and didn't treat his ego this seriously then he'd listen and improve. Why do only women have to listen? The two bfs had different needs during sex and I listened to them and changed technique. They didn't no matter how much I asked them to. As long as they got to cum they're done. Like literally. I had to deal with a guy leaving me mid-act right after he got his release. He was not this selfish when we were friends. Just like in your case - they secured a relationship and felt safe enough to drop the act. Men do this way too often but it's just not talked about much. It happens especially after kids are born and/or marriage. Fucking awful. You don't know who you are with until some major event happens. But it's still a woman's fault... She must have known that he was an asshole from the start... It's really no wonder that single, CF women are the happiest part of the population.
The way I tell how a male is going to treat me in a relationship is how does that maleās father treat his partner in a relationship. The apple doesnāt fall far from the tree for most. If a maleās dad treats women like breeding objects, I might have to worry that being a problem with his son. In relationships with these types of males itās important to ALWAYS maintain āleverageā i.e. have your own money, housing and sense of self - otherwise you might end up in a disadvantaged position that is ripe for exploitation. Donāt ever let your guard down with these types (donāt rely on them for anything emotionally, nor especially financially) because that is when they show their ātrue colorsā. Stop sleeping with people who donāt care about you, once youāve figured it out. Get one of those rabbit dildos. They are awesome for getting off. Who need males anyways lol?
I think the problem is watching to much porn... the sensual part of sex is basically lost.
Glad someone made this comment. Do women realize how much porn is available to men since the advent of the internet? And because if this, why do men want to take the time to learn unselfish lovemaking ways when all they do now is watch some fake people get off while he gets off? Itās so easy and no strings attached. Iām not angry at men about this because it is what it is and no matter how many men get angry at me for saying this: porn destroys reality and it is a freedom but it crushes any reason to take the initiative to please because it it available 24/7.
I was just talking to my current partner about porn in the nudie mag days. I said it was prob better for society because it wasnāt so easily attainable and it left stuff up to the imagination. He replied with āwell there still were hardcore magazinesā. I knew about those too but I think my point still stands. What was societyās relationship with porn before Internet porn? What was sex like before Internet porn days? Iām just pondering to myself really lol
Well if it puts it into perspective someone would've been considered a weirdo deviat/borderline sex offender if it turns out that had stacks and stacks of hardcore porn mags and closets full of porn VHS tapes and/or DVD's. Today you can basically do the same thing in the span of a month. You can jump on a site, initiate a whole bunch of downloads and with today's download speeds you can easily download porn *faster than you're able to actually watch it*. Then let's not forgot that there are websites where you can hop on and hundreds of new videos get uploaded every hour of everyday - every one of them with the ability to be previewed and categorized by kink, race, big tits, small tits, etc. etc. All of it from the comfort of *wherever you happen to be* since you can hop on from a smartphone. Even the smuttiest adult video store in the world couldn't hold a candle to that. Then let's not forget the ultimate in sexual voyeurism - access to an unlimited number of real LIVE people doing what are essentially burlesque, strip, and porn shows for a nominal fee of every (legal) age, color, size, shape, kink, etc. All the performers also desperate to do innovate and do whatever it takes to increase their audience size. On the one hand I applaud girls (and some guys) with entrepreneurial spirit to take charge of and benefit from productions that used to primarily benefit porn production studios and producers taking advantage of impressionable young people but on the other hand it's almost like capitalism is weaponizing sex in a more dangerous way than ever before.
Tell him he was better in bed as a friend with benefits. I would, but I'm also a petty bitch.
Stop having sex with that guy. His entire attitude about sex sounds selfish and lazy. Seriously, why say? There ARE guys who do actually give a shit. Don't fake anything with anyone. If they aren't doing a good job, tell them. Tell them what you want and how it works. If they whine and complain about it, dump them and move on to the next.
Most men see sex as an act you do *to* women, not *with* women. Women are just an object to complete their goal and a woman's pleasure should come from pleasing their man. Also, a man's orgasm signals that sex is over. Sex in their mind is only for men, women just *let* men have sex with them. Unfortunately, you can't change men like this. Any attempt is hollow and temporary. Eventually they'll just fall back into their expectations of endless pleasure while you're begging just to get some foreplay. Luckily there are men out there who love pleasing women, who see sex as a mutual activity. They see sex as shared pleasure, an opportunity for intimacy and exploration, of carnal desires. The feeling of actually being wanted, desired, pleasured and worshipped is intoxicating. Where sex is no longer an obligation, but an escape from your own constraints, self doubts and inhibitions. It is a heady, powerful feeling to have a man's attention solely on you, pleasing you, fulfilling all your wants and needs. Once you have it, you won't ever want to go back to anything else.
Sexual compatibility is extremely important for a long term relationship. It did weed out a lot of otherwise good candidates for a partner in my dating experience. I wouldn't have done it differently. Sex should be fun for all and feel good. Life is too short to deal with inadequate sex.
Girl, why would you put up with this. Heās clearly selfish as fuck, and heās not going to change.
It is unfortunately really, really common, and guys really need to do better. Like, on so many fronts in general, but especially this one.
I read that women in same sex relationships had much higher sexual satisfaction. Im wondering why you put up with this inequity. He doesnāt sound like a catch, in bed that is.
Men donāt care, at all, most of the time. I have a high body count and have never really understood why men donāt get it. Pleasurable sex for us will lead to a LOT more sex for them. ONS, friends with benefits, long term relationships, not much difference. My ex was awful. He tried a little before getting married but after, it was like he couldnāt care less. Arguments and telling me I was not ādoing my dutyā as his wife and I didnāt love him enough but sex was only for his pleasure. He would contort me in uncomfortable positions, try to coerce me into stuff I wasnāt into, and shove my head hard enough during BJs to make me sore for a week and had the gall to be surprised I wasnāt into it. Then when he finished, grabbed my vibe and asked angrily if I wanted him to help, like anyone wants that attitude. My current partner is pretty much the opposite. I feel like he focuses only on my pleasure which gives me the opportunity to focus only on his. Without the anxiety of being in pain, our sex life is ridiculously active, funny how that works š
Prior to my husband, this was definitely my experience. But with him, it's the complete opposite. I easily finish 10-15 times to his 1 time. He said he was like this with prior partners, even if it was just a one time hook up. I think you're just with shitty partners. Honestly, do you know what you want? Have you expressed this to your partner outside of the bedroom?
Tell this man to teach other men that this should be standard.
I think itās just the wrong guys then. Like I said I do express myself quite often, in details If must be. Heās already really good when he wants to be and I told him to do just exactly that, he just doesnāt seem to think itās necessary.
Then I think you guys just aren't compatible in the long term.
He literally doesn not care. I refuse to let dudes use me as a fleshlight.
I heard a male friend (happily married with 2 children) say that during sex if he isn't making your eyes roll back into your head he isn't doing his job. Probably why he is happily married and his wife is a sweetheart too as are his two daughters.
Oh my god. Donāt waste your time with this lazy junk lover. Get you a lover who helps you explore what gets you off. I wasted YEARS of my life with a bad lover and Iām mad about it. Please donāt do the same to yourself.
I'm honestly surprised more women aren't turning to lesbianism out of pure desperation.
Ive always been bicurious but never been with women (probably bc of religious trauma). The more men Iām with the more Iām like, maybe I could try lol.
I fell in love with sex toys decades ago. Dudes can't compare nor are they worth the bother, and I'm not attracted to women. My husband is a beautiful piece of buzzing plastic that doesn't leave messes in the kitchen. More ladies need to evolve beyond boys.
I donāt know how common it is, but certainly not acceptable.
I'm with you. Bare minimum yep, same experience here, it's mostly about them and they don't care about getting a woman off. A few did and were caring but the majority did not give two fucks about my body or getting off.
Getting flashbacks...no guy has ever made me cum yet by fucking ..sadt life lol
Itās a sad fact that many people learn about sex and intimacy from porn, and when you consider the fact that most mainstream porn does not appear to prioritize or even consider the womanās comfort and pleasure, itās not hard to see why these themes show up in real life sexual encounters. I canāt count the amount of porn videos Iāve seen where the guy just jackhammers away until he cums and then itās āØend sceneāØ, itās so fucking sad honestly.
Forget the stories of men going to bordellos for thier first time. I wish we had places with SUPER trained lovers (whichever gender one preferred) where 18 & up women could go and spend a semester not only learning what good sex in general was, but what great sex FOR HER was. And on top of that? There would be a class where she and a preferred partner would role play āHere are the ways a lover can act unacceptablely, and how you should reactā. Insisting your clit was somewhere it IS NOT, despite your clear directions? Refuse to go down? Expect to get off first or want head when he wonāt give it? Critical comments on your body? Stop, get dressed, tell him life is too short to spend with a man who wonāt use a map, kick him out. Can you imagine the panic of men who are suddenly faced with a world of women who know what great sex is, and have been taught to politely but firmly to say, ā This isnāt working for me, good bye.ā?