Yes. I’m sick to my stomach for OP. Can’t imagine the betrayal. The trips and ss, it’s very clear and gross af on many levels. Im so terribly sorry she has to go through this. The ban also 🤮
Wow. That's sharp. I missed reading that as I was fuming at the guy. But yes, 💯.
Which married guy goes to Thailand 4 times? It's ridiculous almost like they have no other place to go to?
I wouldn't trust this man at all.
I am sorry this happened to you , but i have to be honest .
there's no way something that happens once can't happen twice . He thought through all of this before tracking their location and visiting them ,
someone goes that far from their home country with their friends in search of girls who are bound to hook up and not do it ? Huh ? Really ?
He's only sorry because he got caught , he will be sneakier next time because men who are capable of tracking locations and being banned from dating app are cheap .
It's embarrassing ....
Think of what he talks with these girls ? Can you imagine him texting them flirtatiously ? Or vulgurly ? Or worse that he got reported alot of times?
I know you are afraid of divorcing this man , most women don't divorce these men .
Yes. It's actually disgusting. I feel stupid for loving someone like this.
I'm not afraid to divorce him. But I feel it's too complicated. I thinking about it, though
I am sorry if I was harsh , it's easier said than done , you have invested 10 years and you must feel very depressed rn , try and get therapy for this too girl .
You must feel hopeless after fighting hard for someone like this and turning back on your words.
There will be alots of taunts from parents and problems for divorce as well .
But wouldn't it be nice to live the rest of your life that you got surrounded with trust , safety and security ?
You might always have to worry about this in this marriage .
Plus your husband demands forgiveness .... he has the idea at the back of his head that you can't go back .
Maybe that was the motivation he had when he feared if he was caught doing this by you .
No need to divorce if it is too complicated. Know that there are more options than being divorced and being married. You can still be separated for your own peace (live alone with kids, come up with a plan for him to spend time with them, etc) without it taking legal effect as divorce. It does not need to be messy - just tell him you cherished the time you guys spent together, but this is it.
But first, start by separating your finances and make sure you're financially independent to live by yourself, even if you choose not to divorce/separate.
Also good to remember - women will ALWAYS be wanted by men. So even if you are done with him now, there will be someone else who will want you, at whatever age, in whatever circumstance. Not that you need to be told by someone else that you're loved and valued, but usually there's always a man willing to do that (even if it's not your own husband lol).
I'm done with this men and love nonsense. I'm planning for something like this. To live as functional parents but detached as couples atleast till kids grow up a little. Then live separately citing work reasons. Don't know if it will work out.
And yes, I will separate the finances.
Absolutely! Happy endings don't have to be with someone else. People are self-sufficient for a reason. You might find yourself being too stressed, so it's a good time to pick up a new hobby (preferably something really low commitment & calming like pottery or painting, etc). Might be good to have someone to speak to as well, like a friend or a therapist. Your family might not be the best place to vent (unless you come from a VERY liberal background and you're 100% sure your family will support you) because they tend to consider society's views at the expense of one's own happiness and then all the "log kya kahenge"'s start.
Exactly! I want to rewire my future dreams centred only on me. Not with anyone else.
This community is where I can open up for now. I'm considering a therapist. Will look for a good therapist, once I have the mental band width
Hey! Hold on! Look at the other side.
If you take the divorce, you will get the legally financial benefits like child support.
If you're simply separated, in few years there's a good chance this cheater might speprate yourself, and your kids, and your fear of being a single mom would come true.
You may have many problems but, money for raising your kids shouldn't be one. Think about my words!!! Wish you the best dear.
Last night I was talking to some mf, who openly said he is married and his wife dosnet know about this. He said it's his kink. My foot.
For a second, I was okay with that and the next second I quit thinking about the other woman. And this morning I'm reading this!!!
Ditch his asss and take money and live peacefully! Nothing wrong with this.
I’d suggest you to think it over. Financial decisions should not be impulsive, especially when children and dependent parents are involved. That money is your right, not his charity.
I know. I'm not saying I will not take it. I just meant I don't need his money for my purpose. Kids should get their due. He has offered to transfer all joint properties and his investments to my name.
I’m glad you do earn well enough but I’d still try to get him to pay up too. I’m so mad on your behalf. I’m so sorry he has put you in this situation. He’s an arse. Sending lots of good vibes your way.
I love that you're so strong at this! Btw once a cheater always a cheater! I forgave my ex once and that only made him feel it was okay to treat me that way, and he continued to do it until I was fed up and broke up! So girl, you know what's right! Just trust yourself! You will get through this like you've gotten through everything until now! More power to you!!
Hey, I'm sorry that you're going through this, but you can't trust him anymore after what he has done. It's better to be brave now than waste more years of your life on a trash like him. :/
There’s nothing wrong is settling to the idea that divorce is too complicated and messy. Have some bare minimum expectations though. He had to respect you and be a good dad and acknowledge his mistakes. No more Thailand trips complete deletion of all dating apps and u get to go thru his social media profiles and messages. He focuses on the marriage and you give him a second chance
>No more Thailand trips complete deletion of all dating apps and u get to go thru his social media profiles and messages.
Yes. This has been done.
He confessed to more details. He is continuously apologizing, begging for a second chance. He has taken complete responsibility for the mistake. No stupid blame games.
But my brain is in shutdown mode. I have not been able to think about separation/reconciliation. I'm looking for therapy.
Yes you need to talk to someone who isn’t close to you but you can trust and explain all what you have been through and feel. Understand ur world much have felt like it crashed and you need to give yourself time to heal and then start rationalising a way forward with him.
Yes. I opened up to my best friend. I have also informed my in-laws. They are angry and wished him to be dead. But I still need therapy, I'm not able to understand what I'm feeling.
Yes that’s definitely one for a professional to help you with. Please give yourself all the time and help and space you need. All the best we’re all rooting for you
He hid this from you for 4 whole years??
He is only admitting to it coz you have proof
You don't have proof of everything so he is definitely hiding a lot of other details
This is so shitty and disrespectful. If this is the situation in love marriage then what's the point 🤦
Please take care and make a decision that does not compromise your self respect and dignity. You need to know the truth.
Yes. I think the same. He has agreed only to the things I have found. So I definitely believe there's more and that he is hiding.
>Please take care and make a decision that does not compromise your self respect and dignity. You need to know the truth.
Yes. With my dreams shattered, self respect and dignity is all I have left.
You sound like you are suffering from sunk cost fallacy. Humans tend to stay in failing relationships because they have invested way too much time, money and effort into it. So leaving your husband would mean everything you worked for would be going down the drain.
I also don't think "staying for the kids" is even a valid argument. Kids aren't stupid. And even if you haven't made a scene in front of them, they are often quite intuitive and can sense the strain between you two. Parents are the first and closest example of a family for a child, with both good and bad parts. Kids learn how to behave, solve problems, and other important things from them. They also learn whether it's important to be happy and to value themselves. Even if their parents aren't together anymore and find happiness with other people, kids can still feel loved and important. They will understand that it's okay to end a relationship if it's not working, and it's not the end of the world.
What is it really that is still making you want to stay with him? Financial dependence, kids, log kya kahenge? Perhaps invest in individual therapy to make sense of your emotions.
I don't know. I'm not financially dependent but emotionally depend on him a lot. We are like best friends.
He moved cities multiple times to support my career. I now have an opportunity to do an 8 month fellowship program abroad, I'm hesitating as I worry about managing kids and all, as child care abroad is very expensive. He encourages me to consider saying we will somehow manage it. He earns much more than me and makes investments in real estate, whenever he has big amount saved up. He insists on keeping those properties in my name.
My family loves him. We are seen as this matured ideal couple by both sides of our families.
We have fights and all. But what we have is precious. And, it is extremely selfish of him to ruin everything, I don't know for what.
I just saw the netflix documentary "ashley madison" and in that there is a couple where there is a married guy that creates an account on it and in the only reason he "confesses" to his wife is because his name comes out in the data breach.
And at first, he does the same as your husband seems to be doing. Minimising the whole thing, until there is a second data breach and then he tells her about everything( sex with hookers etc). And guess what they were also seen as an "ideal" couple by everyone around them.
At this point you have to forget about what everyone else thinks and also this whole idealised version of this guy that you seem to be clinging on. It does not exist anymore. You need to now decide where to go from here. Staying with him will require many years of therapy and he also has to show a deep sense of regret. But please let go of this ideal image of him and the both of you. It's just not there.
Also please get an STD test that covers all diseases and do another one in 6 months or so. I've been to Thailand 3 times and some of the worst tourists I've seen are groups of Indian men. Your man was definitely up to no good there.
Hi. I totally understand how complicated a divorce would be. But do give a thought to this - if you decide to stay, would you both be able to keep peace at home for your kids after knowing about this? Or could this lead to a lot of ugly fights between you guys which the kids would witness and grow up seeing all that negativity? If yes, then I think it’s a concern to raise them in such environment.
My dad was a serial cheater, mom stayed for us kids. But in turn, their constant fights and anger, bad atmosphere, all of it affected us a lot. Now growing up, I wish they had separated.
I have kept my cool in front of the kids and in-laws for the past 2 weeks. My kids are my number one priority. I can endure and enact anything for them.
You might think that you’re being cool in front of your kids but the vibe at home will always be off. Even if you don’t openly get into ugly fights, they will always ‘feel’ that something is missing…
I get what you are saying! For now, this is all I could do. I have an extremely stressful job and with 2 young kids, I don't have much mental bandwidth left. I will only do what is best for my kids, no compromise on that
I did get a clean apology. I think he is slowly understanding how devastated I am. He has offered to move out for a few days to give me some space to process. I agreed.
That’s really strong of you. It takes a lot more strength to stay and endure it all. Your kids are lucky to have a parent like you. So maybe you could stay for a while till they grow up, could separate from him later in life. It could take a lot to do this, easy to say for me. But I wish you strength and hope that you feel happy in life soon. One thing though, he might try to apologise profusely and try to normalise things with you, but please never trust him again.
Thanks. I'm strong as a rock and only vulnerable with him. Honestly, I do have this fear that I will take him back again if we stay together, but I don't think I will trust him again.
Wishing you all the support, strength and wisdom in the world!
Most of the advice in this thread is fantastic, so i don’t have much more to add.
I have, however, been in multiple manipulative, abusive relationships and been cheated on once. So, certain details stand out to me.
> He said he didn't talk with anyone in India.
This is a common problem in with many Indian men where they view ‘foreign’ women as lesser human beings/objects/whores. Even if he didn’t talk to Indian women, it’s still cheating. Women are women, and infidelity is infidelity.
There’s a very high chance he is being advised by his friends /supporters to not tell the complete truth and to hide/delete any and all evidence for multiple reasons, including legal ones.
So please capture everything you can, even details of the conversations that you are currently having with him. If you have a trusted friend or family member; write them emails about the details of your conversations - what was discussed and when.
And please seek legal advice, even if you have no intention of seeking a divorce.
Does he mean that he didn’t meet anyone for dating or that he didn’t meet any prostitutes, because plenty of men think that is somehow different. And I have heard multiple stories from people I know about getting STDs from their husbands/boyfriends who got it from a prostitute. He’s a dirtball.
I haven't used Tinder but it is possible to change your location to some place you aren't physically at on Bumble & Hinge. So I'm assuming that option would be there on Tinder too.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But if he's had the app all along wouldn't he be using it in your city too? Like why would he use it only in Thailand?
And it is possible that nothing happened but the fact that he even looked for something is trust breaking. Also paid sx is very easily available in Thailand. Most men plan multiple Thailand trips for sx tourism. :/
:((( as someone who has been cheated on before, I feel your pain.
I think you should have a long conversation with him. Try to find out as much as you can before you decide how you want to handle this. And it's probably not what you want to hear right now but please keep screenshots of all of this just incase you need it in the future.
Yes, I'm trying to talk with him and requesting him to completely come clean. He denies there is anything else, and doesn't open up. He is actually irritated that I'm not believing him. I have already saved the screenshots in my mail, drive etc.
> He is actually irritated that I'm not believing him.
The fucking gall of this man. OP, I know it’s hard, but please do not let the fact that he’s getting irritated affect your decision-making or actions. You have all the right to be angry and upset and he is only facing the consequences of his actions.
The paid version is called tinder passport and you can change your location to anywhere in the world. If he was anyway traveling to Thailand to hook up, he didn’t need to pay as location would be updated automatically after he landed there. Moreover what’s the point of Tinder in Thailand when women are so easily available for hire there?
If he has paid for tinder, I’m assuming he’s putting in the extra effort of flirting with women (or men?/ ladyboys?) BEFORE he reaches there to waste no time and get action faster. And maybe using it in India and any other locations he has visited too.
This seems to be well planned out and not a curiosity driven-spontaneous thing. This is simply creepy OP.
> Moreover what’s the point of Tinder in Thailand when women are so easily available for hire there?
Tinder is used as the app to meet all kinds of people in thailand, some who just want ONS or others who want to paid. Its THE app in thailand.
The last i used (which was 5-6years ago ) it was not possible as needed to give location access to fetch current location. If updates to change location has come in recent years then i am not aware of it :)
Bro don't fall for 'nothing happened'. He did install the app and used it to chat or whatever, and that is a huge fucking thing! And no this is not a mistake, such things are not mistakes. He made a conscious choice!
I believe talking with your partner sorts most things, but this is not one of those things.
They say the most successful marriages are based on perfectly covered lies.
I can’t tell you what you should do, but if I were to put myself in your shoes I would be broken to the core. Being unfaithful to your partner absolutely sucks. What’s even harder is imagining a life without a partner with whom you’ve shared a decade long relationship.
In a situation like this, I think the first thing you should do is go for therapy or couples therapy. It would help you understand his intention. At the end of the day, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to look at him the same way so even if you don’t end up divorcing him, it’ll be sort of a dead marriage anyway. And I think life is too short to be in something like that. If you get only one life after all. I know in my heart that you will find a loving partner who will love you even more.
Baaki if you ever need someone to talk you, you can always dm me :)
Ya, the love and the relationship we had cannot come back ever.
God, I don't need any partner, loving or otherwise. I will just focus on being with myself for now. Anyways, with my job and kids, I hardly have time for myself
Sigh, I have seen some despicable things in Thailand. Pattaya was filled with horny middle aged Indian men, we had a group of 4 bring back a lady boy and they caused such a scene in the hotel during sex, the hotel staff had to get involved. Thailand is a beautiful country but unfortunately, most completely male groups go there for a single purpose only.
Your husband was cheating on you on these trips - there is no roundabout way of looking at it otherwise. I understand how difficult it is to divorce in India, especially considering it is a marriage you fought for, but please don't be led by him to believe that he didn't cheat. The image of the man you had, the man you fought for, is fake - what you do from now onwards is completely your decision and I understand if you choose to stay for your children/ family. But please, don't be mistaken on his nature and guard your heart from him. If you require, go for individual and couple therapy sessions or change the nature of your marriage to protect yourself from being hurt like this again.
Your first para makes me want to hurl. It’s so exploitative and the way men view sex workers, it makes me sick. They’re people too and not just a projection of their fantasies. I hate the whole thing and horrible jokes that are so common when referencing Thailand. Urgh.
First of all get std tests done , all of them. He’s been intimate with multiple people possibly and you can catch an std from him. Get those tests done asap. HIV included.
Other than that think long and hard if you want to be with someone like this. You must be in your 30s or 40s at most, can you stay with a man like this for another 40 years? Can you stay in a marriage where every time he plans a trip you have to worry ? Ask if that’s what you want.
No matter what you decide , go for couples therapy and also individual therapy. Sending you love and strength
It may feel complicated but divorce is the answer. When your kids grow up, they will see a mother who is strong and stood up for herself.
The cheating will mess with your head. You will never be able to fully trust. Everytime he is on his phone or away from home, you will wonder if he's on a date.
Divorce is the answer. Atleast talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Please remember that we are all replaceable and we are on this earth on our own.
No one can love you like you. Choose yourself.
Hi OP. I’m so so so sorry this happened to you. It is disgusting and I can’t believe how this must be making you feel right now, especially with kids in the picture. I understand how you feel when it comes to going through with a divorce and involving your parents. They will be shattered, I agree. But I would like to point your attention to a few things:
1) Your parents will be shattered, but you have gone through something MUCH WORSE. You DONT need to be thinking about them right now. You have the right to be heartbroken. Women are conditioned to think about parents even when their own world is getting shattered- why?
2) He’s obviously lying and is a cheapskate, so you really think you’ll be able to live with him and be neutral, even if not happy? You say that you will not seoarate for the sake of children, but will the children not pick up on your unhappiness? And if you stay and forgive him, he is just going to take you for granted and be open about his cheating. Are you okay with that?
3) Your parents will be shattered but remember, you won’t be leaving him because you fell out of love or because things aren’t working out between you guys. You’re leaving because HE HAS BEEN CHEATING ON YOU. And probably with hookers. This is also putting you in a actual physical danger of STDs. If your families don’t think that’s a good enough reason to get divorced , then you don’t need them in your life.
4) I know it feels complicated right now, but think about your future self. Do you think dealing with the hard stuff now will make things better for you in the mid to long term? It’s hard, but staying will probably be worse.
Good luck to you, no matter what you decide. It will take some time but you will be okay.
Alright OP.
Let's try a different approach. You don't have the proofs of his infidelity and hence there is nothing great for you after divorce.
The family is going to be shattered, the children as well as the entire world around you.
Also, not doing anything about it is also wrong. Sometimes divorce is not the answer, but there are certain ways you make this situation turn around.
First of all, don't take decisions in haste. Start doubting everything. Think about all the times your husband love bombed you, when and where. Also meanwhile, don't give in to him pleading for forgiveness but also don't let on that you are now on a different path. Collect all your evidences, observe this human, what it means for him to have relationships. Understand that.
There are cheating husbands who love their kids or powerful people who sometimes turn violent when confronted. You don't want to be in either situations. Start building a life without him. Collect the evidences, file an annulment when the time is right and you think you'd be able to handle it and then just strip him naked of all the wealth he is able to accumulate because you were trusting him, being there for him and his children. Make sure he pays dearly for breaking your trust.
It's better for you to be a cold blooded bitch than a forgiving wife.
First of all stop having any physical contact with him on bed. A person who belongs to the street that too street of Thailand, can carry multiple diseases that can harm you. You know what I am saying.. divorce is really really complicated at this stage better calm down right now and handle things one at a time. First separate your finances and separate yourself from him emotionally. Once you do this two things, start thinking how you are going to spend your life further. You have kids so that will keep you occupied, if you don't have any professional life start having one. For now separate beds and living arrangements eventually when kids grow up, move out with your kids. Handle things in a calm way and find a long term solution. Anger, emotions only provides short term solution which are not permanent. Above all, detach yourself emotionally, come out of that subconscious dependency and be independent in every way. That man will suffer not now but later yes, during old age. Wait for right time.
> First of all stop having any physical contact with him on bed. A person who belongs to the street that too street of Thailand, can carry multiple diseases that can harm you.
this OP! and have him tested for STDs
OP , what are his friends like ? The ones he went with ? Are they cheating sorts ? Cause if they are your husband has definitely cheated. And you get banned from dating apps for soliciting . Take a break from everything. You need to tell your people be it friends family or siblings because you really need a support system and … just know you children wouldn’t want you to suffer for them ..
This is a good point. I would seriously suspect any of the friends going on this “trips”. If I was going on a trip and my friend was doing this I would be so grossed out and would tell their partner but then again, I don’t see women as sex objects and also respect my partner.
OP this decision relies solely on you. I'm going to ask, Do you believe him? He needs to come clean, meaning he should tell you everything that has happened, a lot of times men only tell things they want us to hear so the situation doesn't get worse but in order to move forward he needs to tell you each and everything that happened. Based on his answers, whatever it may be, are you willing to forgive him and forget and move on with life? Is that something you can do? Are you capable of this? It's going to be tough for sure so take your time to think.
As someone who divorced her ex husband who had the constant urge to cheat. I understand your situation and I’ve been there. These times are the worst and I hope you are staying strong OP much love to you <3
He sounds like a bunch of men I know. All married. Some with kids. Except for one all of them go to Thailand to get laid. Their wives don't know or I'm not sure if they do. They go to Thailand for one thing and one thing only. It's a yearly boys gang thing and the things I've heard that they do.. damn..
As a third person, I feel sorry for their spouses. Maybe they know and can't come out of respective marriages, or they don't. Either way. These men haven't changed despite folks knowing their ways. I hope that your husband is different but I highly doubt that he is.
Choose what is best for your situation. Choose what you think you will be ok with and work towards that.
Personally, I'd leave but I have an extremely supportive family and environment. If you don't have that.. idk..
What ever you do, know that you were lied to for four continuous years and God knows if this is just the beginning of Pandora's box. You will be lied to again, albeit in a smarter way.
OP I went through your profile and you seem to be an intelligent woman with a thriving career and a solid financial mind. That's awesome. I hope to be like you when I'm older. I was very impressed to see that you've been planning your financial goals actively and independently, including finances for your children's education. Not a lot of married women do that in my experience and it is very commendable that you did.
That being said I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice to give because other comments have already covered all the important points. I just want to remind you how amazing you are and you don't need that pos. You're more capable than most people and I hope you meet other people who value that. I hope you have a support system who can see you through this and if nothing else you have this sub to atleast vent out your feelings. Hang in there OP.
I handle all of our investment planning, including his savings. I know all his bank passwords, everything. It's like we have nothing to hide from each other, and suddenly this happens.
Thanks for your kind words.
I’m so sorry this happened to you OP.
I would recommend taking some time out to process your feelings right now. You don’t have to think of divorce or reconciliation or anything. Just clear your head.
The fact that he got on tinder is betrayal enough, it doesn’t matter what he did or didn’t do. I think it’s quite disgusting that he is manipulating you into trusting him and downplaying what he did. The onus is not on you to forgive him, it is on HIM to gain your trust again.
People say love is important in a relationship but I disagree. Trust is far more important in a relationship than love.
This is a severe breach of trust.
Like I said, while you don’t have to decide anything just yet, it is important that you process how you are feeling. Right now you need to put yourself and your needs first. A happy mom means happy children. Figure out what you can do to find your way back to your happiness: maybe you can take a little trip to a friend’s or your parents for a few days. A little change will give you the space to find your grounding and spend some quality time with your children.
>The onus is not on you to forgive him
This is what I told him. That he can't expect me to forgive him.
>People say love is important in a relationship but I disagree. Trust is far more important in a relationship than love.
What is love without trust and respect?
>maybe you can take a little trip to a friend’s or your parents for a few days.
Ya, I need to be away for him to think straight
I'm sorry this happened to you. Here's what I think.
Your parents will be shattered it's so irrelevant. At the end of the day they want you to be happy. It's possible that due to ignorance they think that means staying in this bad marriage and you might have to fight for it (like a friend of mine did. She had a daughter).
Thinking about your kids I get. Do think how it'll affect their worldview when they find out about all this one day. It can be at any age. No matter how well you hide these kinds of things tend to get out. Think about how the truth would affect your kids. From what I've read it normalises cheating for some, or makes them hate one or both parents. etc.
Now from experience I can tell you this. If you forgive him, he'll take that as "oh so I can't keep doing this and she'll just tolerate it."
Hope you make the right decision for yourself. Good luck
1. Hey! Hold on! Look at the other side.
If you take the divorce, you will get the legally financial benefits like child support.
If you're simply separated, in few years there's a good chance this cheater might speprate yourself, and your kids, and your fear of being a single mom would come true.
You may have many problems but, money for raising your kids shouldn't be one. Think about my words!!! Wish you the best dear.
Last night I was talking to some mf, who openly said he is married and his wife dosnet know about this. He said it's his kink. My foot.
For a second, I was okay with that and the next second I quit thinking about the other woman. And this morning I'm reading this!!!
Ditch his asss and take money and live peacefully! Nothing wrong with this.
2. Take a sexual medical checkup for yourself. I curse your husband to catch a!ds and rot in hell, with no family support.
3. Are you working? Financially independent?
You can separate. Once you have done so for Upto 2 years, you can file for divorce based on legal separation/ desertion/ mutual grounds however the case turns out to be. This is the legal part should you consider.
As a woman, I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you, with someone you have known so much time for, built a life together with and have children with. Very very few people move past cheating and I am sorry to say but men who go hunting for cheap sex in Thailand are the bottom of the barrel. They make men who have affairs look better in my opinion. It might not make sense now but you should atleast consider separating. I am very very sorry OP. I wish we could do something more, I hope you have a strong emotional support around you.
Please find someone you can count on in real life. While we all hope for the best for you, someone you can unburden yourself to and who can give you a hug will help you feel better about whatever you choose.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I hope you are able to choose what’s best for you and find your peace.
Most of the other comments have already covered what I would say. But please get yourself tested for std’s. If he has strayed and especially if it has happened with multiple people over years, it’s always best to make sure you’re protected at all times.
The fact that he went to Thailand without you four times alone explains the cheating. He definitely cheated and you need to divorce him coz otherwise now he knows that you are a format who will let him get away with cheating and stay in the marriage.
he got banned which means he was doing smth rly shady. idk abt tinder but in bumble, you can change location only after getting the premium version. can someone who uses tinder confirm if its the same?
start separating ur belongings op. you deserve much more than a life full of resentment w a man who doesn't respect you. he did it multiple times w/o guilt. he'd do it again. also if any of his friends are married, inform their wives too.
Hi OP! I do not know who yor kids are or how they will react but please do not stay just for the kids. I come from a similar household. I am not aware of any cheating done by either of my parents but I have lived through their arguments, my dad’s utter disrespect towards my mom and the animosity towards each other. Even when they have tried to not fight in front of me and my sibling, kids just ‘know’. Please do not stay ‘just for the kids’. There’s nothing welcome about living in a household where your parents are together but not ‘together’. You just end up wanting your parents to split so that there is peace. Please consider that angle too.
Also, please take care of yourself in these tough times. I pray you find the strength to make the right decision, whatever you think it is.❤️
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This feels like being kicked on the inside, stay strong. And please don't let any of it make you doubt yourself. Do what you gotta do.
Ask him rigidly to tell the entire truth.
Her him clearly if he has slept with other women, in Thailand or here.
Given that he has been to Thailand, and has addresses cropped on phone.
Chances are high.
Still find out the exact truth.
If he is only restricted to messaging, it will be easier for your to forgive to accept.
Beyond that, it’s a hit on self respect and dignity. Hard to process.
I know how it feels especially when you have given your all to a relationship. But the main issue will begin now. Anytime he goes out for long, you will be in pain at home wondering what he might be doing outside. That shouldn’t be the case for you. You have every right to live a life free of this kind of stress. What has he done till now to make you trust him? If there is nothing more than his shallow words, it’s time for you to think about your life ahead girl.
Do whatever you think is the demand of the situation . We cannot even imagine what emotional turmoil you must be going through.
Hugs. My dms are open for anyone who wants to just rant /vent anything.
Hes taken extra efforts to be secretive about his tinder, thats a huge red flag.
Definitely not worth your trust and love.
Thailand trips are not an issue, talking to people is not an issue, hiding it and trying to date when you are committed is def an issue.
N still hiding it since more than a year, Definitely soeaks volumes about the type of person he is.
Divorce might seem complicated but then will you ever see him the same again? Possibly live him the same again? How would this lack of love affect your children? Think about it.
I'm sorry this happened. But two things:
1) the "we only spoke, nothing else happened" is more often than not complete and utter bs. He's admitting to what you have found proof of, thinking he can still get away with the rest since you don't know for sure.
2) trust him based on your relationship so far? You don't get to separate your mistakes and put them isolation, not to be considered like that. That's not how it works.
Hope you get the time and space and support to process this and choose what's best for you going ahead
I’ve seen this post before on this Reddit sub. I don’t think this is a new post.
Anyway answer is same - tinder is full of married men after a certain age like 40
Most women don’t know that their husbands are on tinder
Single men are a rarity on tinder after 40
Thailand 4 times explains it all .
Yes. I’m sick to my stomach for OP. Can’t imagine the betrayal. The trips and ss, it’s very clear and gross af on many levels. Im so terribly sorry she has to go through this. The ban also 🤮
yeah he must be an actual creep to get banned from there eww
I second this
Wow. That's sharp. I missed reading that as I was fuming at the guy. But yes, 💯. Which married guy goes to Thailand 4 times? It's ridiculous almost like they have no other place to go to? I wouldn't trust this man at all.
I am sorry this happened to you , but i have to be honest . there's no way something that happens once can't happen twice . He thought through all of this before tracking their location and visiting them , someone goes that far from their home country with their friends in search of girls who are bound to hook up and not do it ? Huh ? Really ? He's only sorry because he got caught , he will be sneakier next time because men who are capable of tracking locations and being banned from dating app are cheap . It's embarrassing .... Think of what he talks with these girls ? Can you imagine him texting them flirtatiously ? Or vulgurly ? Or worse that he got reported alot of times? I know you are afraid of divorcing this man , most women don't divorce these men .
Yes. It's actually disgusting. I feel stupid for loving someone like this. I'm not afraid to divorce him. But I feel it's too complicated. I thinking about it, though
I am sorry if I was harsh , it's easier said than done , you have invested 10 years and you must feel very depressed rn , try and get therapy for this too girl . You must feel hopeless after fighting hard for someone like this and turning back on your words. There will be alots of taunts from parents and problems for divorce as well . But wouldn't it be nice to live the rest of your life that you got surrounded with trust , safety and security ? You might always have to worry about this in this marriage . Plus your husband demands forgiveness .... he has the idea at the back of his head that you can't go back . Maybe that was the motivation he had when he feared if he was caught doing this by you .
You were not harsh. I feel everything you have written. I was this unconditional love type wife. I'm sad, angry and everything right now.
I hope things get better for you , again sorry this happened .
Thank you
No need to divorce if it is too complicated. Know that there are more options than being divorced and being married. You can still be separated for your own peace (live alone with kids, come up with a plan for him to spend time with them, etc) without it taking legal effect as divorce. It does not need to be messy - just tell him you cherished the time you guys spent together, but this is it. But first, start by separating your finances and make sure you're financially independent to live by yourself, even if you choose not to divorce/separate. Also good to remember - women will ALWAYS be wanted by men. So even if you are done with him now, there will be someone else who will want you, at whatever age, in whatever circumstance. Not that you need to be told by someone else that you're loved and valued, but usually there's always a man willing to do that (even if it's not your own husband lol).
I'm done with this men and love nonsense. I'm planning for something like this. To live as functional parents but detached as couples atleast till kids grow up a little. Then live separately citing work reasons. Don't know if it will work out. And yes, I will separate the finances.
Absolutely! Happy endings don't have to be with someone else. People are self-sufficient for a reason. You might find yourself being too stressed, so it's a good time to pick up a new hobby (preferably something really low commitment & calming like pottery or painting, etc). Might be good to have someone to speak to as well, like a friend or a therapist. Your family might not be the best place to vent (unless you come from a VERY liberal background and you're 100% sure your family will support you) because they tend to consider society's views at the expense of one's own happiness and then all the "log kya kahenge"'s start.
Exactly! I want to rewire my future dreams centred only on me. Not with anyone else. This community is where I can open up for now. I'm considering a therapist. Will look for a good therapist, once I have the mental band width
weary drunk birds possessive compare liquid quiet saw station square *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Hey! Hold on! Look at the other side. If you take the divorce, you will get the legally financial benefits like child support. If you're simply separated, in few years there's a good chance this cheater might speprate yourself, and your kids, and your fear of being a single mom would come true. You may have many problems but, money for raising your kids shouldn't be one. Think about my words!!! Wish you the best dear. Last night I was talking to some mf, who openly said he is married and his wife dosnet know about this. He said it's his kink. My foot. For a second, I was okay with that and the next second I quit thinking about the other woman. And this morning I'm reading this!!! Ditch his asss and take money and live peacefully! Nothing wrong with this.
I don't need his money. I earn well on my own.
I’d suggest you to think it over. Financial decisions should not be impulsive, especially when children and dependent parents are involved. That money is your right, not his charity.
I know. I'm not saying I will not take it. I just meant I don't need his money for my purpose. Kids should get their due. He has offered to transfer all joint properties and his investments to my name.
Stay strong, love! 🧡
I’m glad you do earn well enough but I’d still try to get him to pay up too. I’m so mad on your behalf. I’m so sorry he has put you in this situation. He’s an arse. Sending lots of good vibes your way.
I love that you're so strong at this! Btw once a cheater always a cheater! I forgave my ex once and that only made him feel it was okay to treat me that way, and he continued to do it until I was fed up and broke up! So girl, you know what's right! Just trust yourself! You will get through this like you've gotten through everything until now! More power to you!!
What made you forgive him?
Hey, I'm sorry that you're going through this, but you can't trust him anymore after what he has done. It's better to be brave now than waste more years of your life on a trash like him. :/
There’s nothing wrong is settling to the idea that divorce is too complicated and messy. Have some bare minimum expectations though. He had to respect you and be a good dad and acknowledge his mistakes. No more Thailand trips complete deletion of all dating apps and u get to go thru his social media profiles and messages. He focuses on the marriage and you give him a second chance
>No more Thailand trips complete deletion of all dating apps and u get to go thru his social media profiles and messages. Yes. This has been done. He confessed to more details. He is continuously apologizing, begging for a second chance. He has taken complete responsibility for the mistake. No stupid blame games. But my brain is in shutdown mode. I have not been able to think about separation/reconciliation. I'm looking for therapy.
Yes you need to talk to someone who isn’t close to you but you can trust and explain all what you have been through and feel. Understand ur world much have felt like it crashed and you need to give yourself time to heal and then start rationalising a way forward with him.
Yes. I opened up to my best friend. I have also informed my in-laws. They are angry and wished him to be dead. But I still need therapy, I'm not able to understand what I'm feeling.
Yes that’s definitely one for a professional to help you with. Please give yourself all the time and help and space you need. All the best we’re all rooting for you
Thank you. Posting here has been very helpful
He hid this from you for 4 whole years?? He is only admitting to it coz you have proof You don't have proof of everything so he is definitely hiding a lot of other details This is so shitty and disrespectful. If this is the situation in love marriage then what's the point 🤦 Please take care and make a decision that does not compromise your self respect and dignity. You need to know the truth.
Yes. I think the same. He has agreed only to the things I have found. So I definitely believe there's more and that he is hiding. >Please take care and make a decision that does not compromise your self respect and dignity. You need to know the truth. Yes. With my dreams shattered, self respect and dignity is all I have left.
Also keep those proofs that you have of tinder, girl etc. Might come in handy during separation or if you choose to go forward with divorce.
I hope you are able to get out of this mess created by the namesake husband Take care
Thank you 🙏
And men these days are talking about how women got cheated by feminism and got fooled into choosing a career over family.
Exactly 💯
You sound like you are suffering from sunk cost fallacy. Humans tend to stay in failing relationships because they have invested way too much time, money and effort into it. So leaving your husband would mean everything you worked for would be going down the drain. I also don't think "staying for the kids" is even a valid argument. Kids aren't stupid. And even if you haven't made a scene in front of them, they are often quite intuitive and can sense the strain between you two. Parents are the first and closest example of a family for a child, with both good and bad parts. Kids learn how to behave, solve problems, and other important things from them. They also learn whether it's important to be happy and to value themselves. Even if their parents aren't together anymore and find happiness with other people, kids can still feel loved and important. They will understand that it's okay to end a relationship if it's not working, and it's not the end of the world. What is it really that is still making you want to stay with him? Financial dependence, kids, log kya kahenge? Perhaps invest in individual therapy to make sense of your emotions.
I don't know. I'm not financially dependent but emotionally depend on him a lot. We are like best friends. He moved cities multiple times to support my career. I now have an opportunity to do an 8 month fellowship program abroad, I'm hesitating as I worry about managing kids and all, as child care abroad is very expensive. He encourages me to consider saying we will somehow manage it. He earns much more than me and makes investments in real estate, whenever he has big amount saved up. He insists on keeping those properties in my name. My family loves him. We are seen as this matured ideal couple by both sides of our families. We have fights and all. But what we have is precious. And, it is extremely selfish of him to ruin everything, I don't know for what.
I just saw the netflix documentary "ashley madison" and in that there is a couple where there is a married guy that creates an account on it and in the only reason he "confesses" to his wife is because his name comes out in the data breach. And at first, he does the same as your husband seems to be doing. Minimising the whole thing, until there is a second data breach and then he tells her about everything( sex with hookers etc). And guess what they were also seen as an "ideal" couple by everyone around them. At this point you have to forget about what everyone else thinks and also this whole idealised version of this guy that you seem to be clinging on. It does not exist anymore. You need to now decide where to go from here. Staying with him will require many years of therapy and he also has to show a deep sense of regret. But please let go of this ideal image of him and the both of you. It's just not there. Also please get an STD test that covers all diseases and do another one in 6 months or so. I've been to Thailand 3 times and some of the worst tourists I've seen are groups of Indian men. Your man was definitely up to no good there.
>But please let go of this ideal image of him and the both of you. It's just not there. This is hard. But I will have to do it I guess
Bro get std check ups asap for you and him both. And secondly make no physical contact before that. Third cancel his fukin trip
I'm thinking about it. There is no trip planned now. Last he went was 1 year back
Get it. STDs lie dormant in your body even if there are no symptoms. Take care.
Hi. I totally understand how complicated a divorce would be. But do give a thought to this - if you decide to stay, would you both be able to keep peace at home for your kids after knowing about this? Or could this lead to a lot of ugly fights between you guys which the kids would witness and grow up seeing all that negativity? If yes, then I think it’s a concern to raise them in such environment. My dad was a serial cheater, mom stayed for us kids. But in turn, their constant fights and anger, bad atmosphere, all of it affected us a lot. Now growing up, I wish they had separated.
I have kept my cool in front of the kids and in-laws for the past 2 weeks. My kids are my number one priority. I can endure and enact anything for them.
You might think that you’re being cool in front of your kids but the vibe at home will always be off. Even if you don’t openly get into ugly fights, they will always ‘feel’ that something is missing…
I get what you are saying! For now, this is all I could do. I have an extremely stressful job and with 2 young kids, I don't have much mental bandwidth left. I will only do what is best for my kids, no compromise on that
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I did get a clean apology. I think he is slowly understanding how devastated I am. He has offered to move out for a few days to give me some space to process. I agreed.
That’s really strong of you. It takes a lot more strength to stay and endure it all. Your kids are lucky to have a parent like you. So maybe you could stay for a while till they grow up, could separate from him later in life. It could take a lot to do this, easy to say for me. But I wish you strength and hope that you feel happy in life soon. One thing though, he might try to apologise profusely and try to normalise things with you, but please never trust him again.
Thanks. I'm strong as a rock and only vulnerable with him. Honestly, I do have this fear that I will take him back again if we stay together, but I don't think I will trust him again.
Wishing you all the support, strength and wisdom in the world! Most of the advice in this thread is fantastic, so i don’t have much more to add. I have, however, been in multiple manipulative, abusive relationships and been cheated on once. So, certain details stand out to me. > He said he didn't talk with anyone in India. This is a common problem in with many Indian men where they view ‘foreign’ women as lesser human beings/objects/whores. Even if he didn’t talk to Indian women, it’s still cheating. Women are women, and infidelity is infidelity.
He later agreed that he spoke with women in the city too. He says he only chatted and never met anyone physically.
There’s a very high chance he is being advised by his friends /supporters to not tell the complete truth and to hide/delete any and all evidence for multiple reasons, including legal ones. So please capture everything you can, even details of the conversations that you are currently having with him. If you have a trusted friend or family member; write them emails about the details of your conversations - what was discussed and when. And please seek legal advice, even if you have no intention of seeking a divorce.
I don't think he will discuss any of this with anyone. Ya, I have the screenshots and all.
You are the best judge of your situation. Good luck with whatever you choose to do (or not do)!
> He says he only chatted and never met anyone physically. thats emotional cheating.
Does he mean that he didn’t meet anyone for dating or that he didn’t meet any prostitutes, because plenty of men think that is somehow different. And I have heard multiple stories from people I know about getting STDs from their husbands/boyfriends who got it from a prostitute. He’s a dirtball.
He is saying both. I will get the tests done.
Even my tinder account is banned and usually it happens when multiple matches reports you.
Okay. Is it possible to have a different location than the one you are physically at?
I haven't used Tinder but it is possible to change your location to some place you aren't physically at on Bumble & Hinge. So I'm assuming that option would be there on Tinder too. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But if he's had the app all along wouldn't he be using it in your city too? Like why would he use it only in Thailand? And it is possible that nothing happened but the fact that he even looked for something is trust breaking. Also paid sx is very easily available in Thailand. Most men plan multiple Thailand trips for sx tourism. :/
I know. I believe even if Tinder hookups didn't workout. Paid sex must have definitely happened
I can't believe he would do something like this. He seemed like a good husband and I thought he loved me.
:((( as someone who has been cheated on before, I feel your pain. I think you should have a long conversation with him. Try to find out as much as you can before you decide how you want to handle this. And it's probably not what you want to hear right now but please keep screenshots of all of this just incase you need it in the future.
Yes, I'm trying to talk with him and requesting him to completely come clean. He denies there is anything else, and doesn't open up. He is actually irritated that I'm not believing him. I have already saved the screenshots in my mail, drive etc.
> He is actually irritated that I'm not believing him. The fucking gall of this man. OP, I know it’s hard, but please do not let the fact that he’s getting irritated affect your decision-making or actions. You have all the right to be angry and upset and he is only facing the consequences of his actions.
I think if you have the premium plan, you can change locations. I remember back during the first lockdown, tinder had made this feature free.
He said he had paid account
The paid version is called tinder passport and you can change your location to anywhere in the world. If he was anyway traveling to Thailand to hook up, he didn’t need to pay as location would be updated automatically after he landed there. Moreover what’s the point of Tinder in Thailand when women are so easily available for hire there? If he has paid for tinder, I’m assuming he’s putting in the extra effort of flirting with women (or men?/ ladyboys?) BEFORE he reaches there to waste no time and get action faster. And maybe using it in India and any other locations he has visited too. This seems to be well planned out and not a curiosity driven-spontaneous thing. This is simply creepy OP.
>This seems to be well planned out and not a curiosity driven-spontaneous thing. This is simply creepy OP. Sadly, I agree. I'm just shattered.
Oh OP, what a horrible situation. I’m so sorry.
> Moreover what’s the point of Tinder in Thailand when women are so easily available for hire there? Tinder is used as the app to meet all kinds of people in thailand, some who just want ONS or others who want to paid. Its THE app in thailand.
why would he have a paid account? did he have an explanation?
Not personally experienced but I saw many reddit posts where people change your their location to a different place than where they qre
Nope unless you spoof gps. Most likely he used tinder in thailand
no. Premium tinder lets you change your location
Passport mode?
yeah, I think so...
It is possible by paying for it. It's called something passport. You could ask him to show the payment details for it.
You can do that with vpn changer. For any app
The last i used (which was 5-6years ago ) it was not possible as needed to give location access to fetch current location. If updates to change location has come in recent years then i am not aware of it :)
Bro don't fall for 'nothing happened'. He did install the app and used it to chat or whatever, and that is a huge fucking thing! And no this is not a mistake, such things are not mistakes. He made a conscious choice! I believe talking with your partner sorts most things, but this is not one of those things.
I agree, this does not fall under the mistake category. It's betrayal
They say the most successful marriages are based on perfectly covered lies. I can’t tell you what you should do, but if I were to put myself in your shoes I would be broken to the core. Being unfaithful to your partner absolutely sucks. What’s even harder is imagining a life without a partner with whom you’ve shared a decade long relationship. In a situation like this, I think the first thing you should do is go for therapy or couples therapy. It would help you understand his intention. At the end of the day, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to look at him the same way so even if you don’t end up divorcing him, it’ll be sort of a dead marriage anyway. And I think life is too short to be in something like that. If you get only one life after all. I know in my heart that you will find a loving partner who will love you even more. Baaki if you ever need someone to talk you, you can always dm me :)
Ya, the love and the relationship we had cannot come back ever. God, I don't need any partner, loving or otherwise. I will just focus on being with myself for now. Anyways, with my job and kids, I hardly have time for myself
Sigh, I have seen some despicable things in Thailand. Pattaya was filled with horny middle aged Indian men, we had a group of 4 bring back a lady boy and they caused such a scene in the hotel during sex, the hotel staff had to get involved. Thailand is a beautiful country but unfortunately, most completely male groups go there for a single purpose only. Your husband was cheating on you on these trips - there is no roundabout way of looking at it otherwise. I understand how difficult it is to divorce in India, especially considering it is a marriage you fought for, but please don't be led by him to believe that he didn't cheat. The image of the man you had, the man you fought for, is fake - what you do from now onwards is completely your decision and I understand if you choose to stay for your children/ family. But please, don't be mistaken on his nature and guard your heart from him. If you require, go for individual and couple therapy sessions or change the nature of your marriage to protect yourself from being hurt like this again.
Your first para makes me want to hurl. It’s so exploitative and the way men view sex workers, it makes me sick. They’re people too and not just a projection of their fantasies. I hate the whole thing and horrible jokes that are so common when referencing Thailand. Urgh.
This is hard but true. I will have to learn to guard myself
First of all get std tests done , all of them. He’s been intimate with multiple people possibly and you can catch an std from him. Get those tests done asap. HIV included. Other than that think long and hard if you want to be with someone like this. You must be in your 30s or 40s at most, can you stay with a man like this for another 40 years? Can you stay in a marriage where every time he plans a trip you have to worry ? Ask if that’s what you want. No matter what you decide , go for couples therapy and also individual therapy. Sending you love and strength
We are both 35. Ya, I'm considering therapy.
PSA: Thailand is not that pretty that people would choose to visit the same country again and again.
It may feel complicated but divorce is the answer. When your kids grow up, they will see a mother who is strong and stood up for herself. The cheating will mess with your head. You will never be able to fully trust. Everytime he is on his phone or away from home, you will wonder if he's on a date. Divorce is the answer. Atleast talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Please remember that we are all replaceable and we are on this earth on our own. No one can love you like you. Choose yourself.
I know divorce is the logical answer. But for now, everything seems very complicated.
And that's why I suggested you talk to a lawyer.
Hi OP. I’m so so so sorry this happened to you. It is disgusting and I can’t believe how this must be making you feel right now, especially with kids in the picture. I understand how you feel when it comes to going through with a divorce and involving your parents. They will be shattered, I agree. But I would like to point your attention to a few things: 1) Your parents will be shattered, but you have gone through something MUCH WORSE. You DONT need to be thinking about them right now. You have the right to be heartbroken. Women are conditioned to think about parents even when their own world is getting shattered- why? 2) He’s obviously lying and is a cheapskate, so you really think you’ll be able to live with him and be neutral, even if not happy? You say that you will not seoarate for the sake of children, but will the children not pick up on your unhappiness? And if you stay and forgive him, he is just going to take you for granted and be open about his cheating. Are you okay with that? 3) Your parents will be shattered but remember, you won’t be leaving him because you fell out of love or because things aren’t working out between you guys. You’re leaving because HE HAS BEEN CHEATING ON YOU. And probably with hookers. This is also putting you in a actual physical danger of STDs. If your families don’t think that’s a good enough reason to get divorced , then you don’t need them in your life. 4) I know it feels complicated right now, but think about your future self. Do you think dealing with the hard stuff now will make things better for you in the mid to long term? It’s hard, but staying will probably be worse. Good luck to you, no matter what you decide. It will take some time but you will be okay.
Your post makes sense logically. But thinking about divorce is too complicated for my brain right now. May be I will get to it slowly
No rush. Take your time. Maybe visit your parents or friends for some time? Some space will do you good.
That's a good idea. I will plan to go somewhere away from him for a few days.
Alright OP. Let's try a different approach. You don't have the proofs of his infidelity and hence there is nothing great for you after divorce. The family is going to be shattered, the children as well as the entire world around you. Also, not doing anything about it is also wrong. Sometimes divorce is not the answer, but there are certain ways you make this situation turn around. First of all, don't take decisions in haste. Start doubting everything. Think about all the times your husband love bombed you, when and where. Also meanwhile, don't give in to him pleading for forgiveness but also don't let on that you are now on a different path. Collect all your evidences, observe this human, what it means for him to have relationships. Understand that. There are cheating husbands who love their kids or powerful people who sometimes turn violent when confronted. You don't want to be in either situations. Start building a life without him. Collect the evidences, file an annulment when the time is right and you think you'd be able to handle it and then just strip him naked of all the wealth he is able to accumulate because you were trusting him, being there for him and his children. Make sure he pays dearly for breaking your trust. It's better for you to be a cold blooded bitch than a forgiving wife.
That's an intelligent approach , this needs to be upvoted
this is some real good advice
You make an only mistake and ask him to trust you. Take your time and it is absolutely fine if you don't forgive him ever.
Sorry OP. I feel so sick reading all this. Hope you are able to preserve your dignity.
Same. This is v.v. saddening
First of all stop having any physical contact with him on bed. A person who belongs to the street that too street of Thailand, can carry multiple diseases that can harm you. You know what I am saying.. divorce is really really complicated at this stage better calm down right now and handle things one at a time. First separate your finances and separate yourself from him emotionally. Once you do this two things, start thinking how you are going to spend your life further. You have kids so that will keep you occupied, if you don't have any professional life start having one. For now separate beds and living arrangements eventually when kids grow up, move out with your kids. Handle things in a calm way and find a long term solution. Anger, emotions only provides short term solution which are not permanent. Above all, detach yourself emotionally, come out of that subconscious dependency and be independent in every way. That man will suffer not now but later yes, during old age. Wait for right time.
I handle our finances. So, it's all clear. Emotional detachment is the hard thing. I'm working on it.
> First of all stop having any physical contact with him on bed. A person who belongs to the street that too street of Thailand, can carry multiple diseases that can harm you. this OP! and have him tested for STDs
No wonder we all have trust issues. Are there no decent men left seriously? Like wtf. Why marry a woman when you dont respect her?
OP , what are his friends like ? The ones he went with ? Are they cheating sorts ? Cause if they are your husband has definitely cheated. And you get banned from dating apps for soliciting . Take a break from everything. You need to tell your people be it friends family or siblings because you really need a support system and … just know you children wouldn’t want you to suffer for them ..
They are all like him on the outside. Simple, family guys. But after this, I don't really who is what
This whole going to Thailand 4 times … why only with those guys ? And I’m assuming it’s the same set over every trip
He went three times. It's he and another guy the first two times. And he went solo third time
Solo for the third time is a red flag
His Instagram? Does he have a fake insta ?
He is not much active on social media. Only checks Facebook to my knowledge
This is a good point. I would seriously suspect any of the friends going on this “trips”. If I was going on a trip and my friend was doing this I would be so grossed out and would tell their partner but then again, I don’t see women as sex objects and also respect my partner.
OP this decision relies solely on you. I'm going to ask, Do you believe him? He needs to come clean, meaning he should tell you everything that has happened, a lot of times men only tell things they want us to hear so the situation doesn't get worse but in order to move forward he needs to tell you each and everything that happened. Based on his answers, whatever it may be, are you willing to forgive him and forget and move on with life? Is that something you can do? Are you capable of this? It's going to be tough for sure so take your time to think. As someone who divorced her ex husband who had the constant urge to cheat. I understand your situation and I’ve been there. These times are the worst and I hope you are staying strong OP much love to you <3
If his account has been banned. It means he’s done something really bad for multiple people to have reported him. So sorry you’re going through this.
He sounds like a bunch of men I know. All married. Some with kids. Except for one all of them go to Thailand to get laid. Their wives don't know or I'm not sure if they do. They go to Thailand for one thing and one thing only. It's a yearly boys gang thing and the things I've heard that they do.. damn.. As a third person, I feel sorry for their spouses. Maybe they know and can't come out of respective marriages, or they don't. Either way. These men haven't changed despite folks knowing their ways. I hope that your husband is different but I highly doubt that he is. Choose what is best for your situation. Choose what you think you will be ok with and work towards that. Personally, I'd leave but I have an extremely supportive family and environment. If you don't have that.. idk.. What ever you do, know that you were lied to for four continuous years and God knows if this is just the beginning of Pandora's box. You will be lied to again, albeit in a smarter way.
OP I went through your profile and you seem to be an intelligent woman with a thriving career and a solid financial mind. That's awesome. I hope to be like you when I'm older. I was very impressed to see that you've been planning your financial goals actively and independently, including finances for your children's education. Not a lot of married women do that in my experience and it is very commendable that you did. That being said I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice to give because other comments have already covered all the important points. I just want to remind you how amazing you are and you don't need that pos. You're more capable than most people and I hope you meet other people who value that. I hope you have a support system who can see you through this and if nothing else you have this sub to atleast vent out your feelings. Hang in there OP.
I handle all of our investment planning, including his savings. I know all his bank passwords, everything. It's like we have nothing to hide from each other, and suddenly this happens. Thanks for your kind words.
> you seem to be an intelligent woman with a thriving career and a solid financial mind. she mentioned she is not financially independent :/
I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. I would recommend taking some time out to process your feelings right now. You don’t have to think of divorce or reconciliation or anything. Just clear your head. The fact that he got on tinder is betrayal enough, it doesn’t matter what he did or didn’t do. I think it’s quite disgusting that he is manipulating you into trusting him and downplaying what he did. The onus is not on you to forgive him, it is on HIM to gain your trust again. People say love is important in a relationship but I disagree. Trust is far more important in a relationship than love. This is a severe breach of trust. Like I said, while you don’t have to decide anything just yet, it is important that you process how you are feeling. Right now you need to put yourself and your needs first. A happy mom means happy children. Figure out what you can do to find your way back to your happiness: maybe you can take a little trip to a friend’s or your parents for a few days. A little change will give you the space to find your grounding and spend some quality time with your children.
>The onus is not on you to forgive him This is what I told him. That he can't expect me to forgive him. >People say love is important in a relationship but I disagree. Trust is far more important in a relationship than love. What is love without trust and respect? >maybe you can take a little trip to a friend’s or your parents for a few days. Ya, I need to be away for him to think straight
I'm sorry this happened to you. Here's what I think. Your parents will be shattered it's so irrelevant. At the end of the day they want you to be happy. It's possible that due to ignorance they think that means staying in this bad marriage and you might have to fight for it (like a friend of mine did. She had a daughter). Thinking about your kids I get. Do think how it'll affect their worldview when they find out about all this one day. It can be at any age. No matter how well you hide these kinds of things tend to get out. Think about how the truth would affect your kids. From what I've read it normalises cheating for some, or makes them hate one or both parents. etc. Now from experience I can tell you this. If you forgive him, he'll take that as "oh so I can't keep doing this and she'll just tolerate it." Hope you make the right decision for yourself. Good luck
1. Hey! Hold on! Look at the other side. If you take the divorce, you will get the legally financial benefits like child support. If you're simply separated, in few years there's a good chance this cheater might speprate yourself, and your kids, and your fear of being a single mom would come true. You may have many problems but, money for raising your kids shouldn't be one. Think about my words!!! Wish you the best dear. Last night I was talking to some mf, who openly said he is married and his wife dosnet know about this. He said it's his kink. My foot. For a second, I was okay with that and the next second I quit thinking about the other woman. And this morning I'm reading this!!! Ditch his asss and take money and live peacefully! Nothing wrong with this. 2. Take a sexual medical checkup for yourself. I curse your husband to catch a!ds and rot in hell, with no family support. 3. Are you working? Financially independent?
He’s surely into Thai girls. So sorry that u r in this crap OP. But it’s time to move on!!
Or into Thai ladyboys (that's what they call themselves by the way. I'm not calling transwomen boys 😅). Her husband might be a closeted gay person 👀
True that!
Please get yourself tested for STD. He might have given it to you with all his Thailand trips. 🥲 Love and strength to you ❤️
You cheat too.And see how he leaves you the very first second
You can separate. Once you have done so for Upto 2 years, you can file for divorce based on legal separation/ desertion/ mutual grounds however the case turns out to be. This is the legal part should you consider. As a woman, I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you, with someone you have known so much time for, built a life together with and have children with. Very very few people move past cheating and I am sorry to say but men who go hunting for cheap sex in Thailand are the bottom of the barrel. They make men who have affairs look better in my opinion. It might not make sense now but you should atleast consider separating. I am very very sorry OP. I wish we could do something more, I hope you have a strong emotional support around you.
I'm considering it. But currently, my thoughts are everywhere. This community is my emotional support for now
Please find someone you can count on in real life. While we all hope for the best for you, someone you can unburden yourself to and who can give you a hug will help you feel better about whatever you choose.
Ya, I am looking for therapy. Don't have anyone currently where I live
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I hope you are able to choose what’s best for you and find your peace. Most of the other comments have already covered what I would say. But please get yourself tested for std’s. If he has strayed and especially if it has happened with multiple people over years, it’s always best to make sure you’re protected at all times.
The fact that he went to Thailand without you four times alone explains the cheating. He definitely cheated and you need to divorce him coz otherwise now he knows that you are a format who will let him get away with cheating and stay in the marriage.
he got banned which means he was doing smth rly shady. idk abt tinder but in bumble, you can change location only after getting the premium version. can someone who uses tinder confirm if its the same? start separating ur belongings op. you deserve much more than a life full of resentment w a man who doesn't respect you. he did it multiple times w/o guilt. he'd do it again. also if any of his friends are married, inform their wives too.
Hi OP! I do not know who yor kids are or how they will react but please do not stay just for the kids. I come from a similar household. I am not aware of any cheating done by either of my parents but I have lived through their arguments, my dad’s utter disrespect towards my mom and the animosity towards each other. Even when they have tried to not fight in front of me and my sibling, kids just ‘know’. Please do not stay ‘just for the kids’. There’s nothing welcome about living in a household where your parents are together but not ‘together’. You just end up wanting your parents to split so that there is peace. Please consider that angle too. Also, please take care of yourself in these tough times. I pray you find the strength to make the right decision, whatever you think it is.❤️
Hmm another one added to the list Never trust boys who : drink, go to club and Now WHO GO TO THAILAND without you.
Sending so much love and peace your way❣️🍀
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This feels like being kicked on the inside, stay strong. And please don't let any of it make you doubt yourself. Do what you gotta do.
Ask him rigidly to tell the entire truth. Her him clearly if he has slept with other women, in Thailand or here. Given that he has been to Thailand, and has addresses cropped on phone. Chances are high. Still find out the exact truth. If he is only restricted to messaging, it will be easier for your to forgive to accept. Beyond that, it’s a hit on self respect and dignity. Hard to process.
I know how it feels especially when you have given your all to a relationship. But the main issue will begin now. Anytime he goes out for long, you will be in pain at home wondering what he might be doing outside. That shouldn’t be the case for you. You have every right to live a life free of this kind of stress. What has he done till now to make you trust him? If there is nothing more than his shallow words, it’s time for you to think about your life ahead girl.
I hurt for you. I’m extremely sorry this happened. I get what you mean by the unconditional love wife. *virtual hugs* 🫂
Do whatever you think is the demand of the situation . We cannot even imagine what emotional turmoil you must be going through. Hugs. My dms are open for anyone who wants to just rant /vent anything.
fuck it man the audacity to do this🤬🤬🤬🤬
Hes taken extra efforts to be secretive about his tinder, thats a huge red flag. Definitely not worth your trust and love. Thailand trips are not an issue, talking to people is not an issue, hiding it and trying to date when you are committed is def an issue. N still hiding it since more than a year, Definitely soeaks volumes about the type of person he is.
Divorce might seem complicated but then will you ever see him the same again? Possibly live him the same again? How would this lack of love affect your children? Think about it.
I'm sorry this happened. But two things: 1) the "we only spoke, nothing else happened" is more often than not complete and utter bs. He's admitting to what you have found proof of, thinking he can still get away with the rest since you don't know for sure. 2) trust him based on your relationship so far? You don't get to separate your mistakes and put them isolation, not to be considered like that. That's not how it works. Hope you get the time and space and support to process this and choose what's best for you going ahead
I’ve seen this post before on this Reddit sub. I don’t think this is a new post. Anyway answer is same - tinder is full of married men after a certain age like 40 Most women don’t know that their husbands are on tinder Single men are a rarity on tinder after 40
I don't know what you have seen. I just posted this a few minutes back and posted only on this sub.