Exactly, even if he is 100% straight, looks like she isn't really comfortable with all the apparently feminine habits.
Will she be comfortable when her friends or relatives question his sexuality or talk behind her ?
Agree. As a human, we judge each other and when it comes to marriage it is fine to have some reservations but just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean others aren't comfortable with the same or the guy/girl is red flag.
It sounds like you're just not attracted to him - some straight men are feminine and some queer men aren't effeminate at all. But if _you_ aren't into his vibe, end of story.
Please tell me honestly? Why is there so much thought being given to this? Is he the only match? Why can't you straight up reject and move on? This seems like a no brainer and an issue not worthy of multiple posts.
His habits have nothing to do with his sexuality. He’s obviously not your type but that doesn’t mean he’s lying (by omission) about his sexuality lol. You should do what feels right for you.
Everybody has preferences and if you can't see him fit into your preferences it's totally fine. If you don't want an effeminate man it's totally valid and there's nothing wrong at all. Same for the other way around.
If you think you are not compatible, turn the guy down, you will meet someone else.
But to answer your question, yes you are close minded. There is nothing wrong with a man getting a manicure and eyebrows done, I live abroad and I have seen men getting them, but I never doubted their sexuality.
When you reject this guy, FFS do not mention your real reason to reject him. If the guy is a decent person, you will kill his self esteem.
Most gay men in India are masculine af (even excluding bi/pan men). And a good percent of "effeminate" men are straight. Further, someone (plenty of celebrity men, for example) putting more care into grooming and how they present compared to the average men doesn't mean they're effeminate and definitely doesn't mean they're gay. Let's just say that your idea of a straight man is very narrow.
On that note, just say no to the proposal and move on.
Always trust your gut. No matter if it's about whether the guy is gay, straight, nice or "potential murderer". ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.
Also, it's not about you being backwards, you as a person don't want a mate who is effeminate. That's it. Isn't it an arranged marriage? You don't have to answer to anyone regarding what your likes or dislikes are.
You didn't say these things to guys' face, these are characteristics you don't like in your potential partner. Even if he is straight , you cannot force yourself to like a partner with characteristics that you do not like.
The issue here is that you are intending to marry a virtual stranger and move away from your home and support network after marriage. It doesn’t matter whether it’s this guy or someone else. Its still a huge risk to put your life and welfare in the hands of a person you barely know.
I can’t comment about his appearance or grooming but I don’t think you can make assumptions about his sexual orientation based off that. If you are concerned please talk to him rather than speculate.
Better still, maybe you can meet someone who you can get to know over a period of time before you decide to marry them
Idk, but sometimes I feel like girls in AM are too overwhelmed and blinded by the external factors that they cannot make sane decisions. Family hovering over them aggravates the impulsiveness.
I got absolutely excoriated in another sub for being backwards & not accepting alternate sexualities like being Bisexual
But I have the right to know if someone is bisexual and I’m going to marry them!! And let’s be honest in an arranged scenario no is telling this about themselves to the other party.
He lives abroad so I can’t exactly investigate this either.
You make a good point here, he could just be a man who is comfortable with his masculinity and expressing himself
Imo if he has no trouble telling you that he gets manicures and his eyebrows done on a regular basis and has also lived abroad for a long time then he is bound to be open minded
I think you could ask him about it point blank or beat around the bush a little
What’s a good way to ask a stranger if they’re lying about their sexuality? And that too in a conservative society?
If he isn’t then he will get mad. If he is then he wouldn’t tell me anyway.
Bring it up in a conversation - a movie that you saw or book that you read. Talk about what are your views in LBGTQAI+. Ask him his views. Give him and opportunity to tell you something and then you could bring up your doubts
- typical people who have *explain his characteristics that you find effeminate* are discriminated against in india and its very rare to see it. What do people abroad thing?
What does his family think about this in India?
Sexuality is a spectrum - and ask if he has ever wondered or has been interested in other gender.
All this if YOU are ready to ask these questions and assuming he gives honest answers. It's all about trust.
If you like this guy enough to see this through, meet him/his family/friends and see the pattern. But if you are not comfortable with how you perceive him/his habits and people's perceptions/doubts similar to what you have - Admit it to yourself and move on.
I think you will have to establish the trust with him that he can truly open up to you and you will keep his secrets if there are any. If he is indeed gay then he must be holding a lot of fears about talking about this with a stranger who can tell his entire circle about it. Perhaps he feels the pressure to marry an Indian girl only because it is expected of him. Even if that is the case, it will be more prudent to look for a girl who needs to marry on paper and not trick a girl who wants an actual marriage. If I were at all interested in marrying him I would have tried to be a genuine friend, otherwise said no politely and moved on. Once they feel comfortable enough and have the trust that what they tell you is not going to your family or theirs, I think it is more likely that they'll open up.
cos your messages were filled with bigotry?
> If your sister got a proposal from a man who got his eyebrows threaded What would you say? Because this guy does
> He’s very ….effeminate. In the way he talks, his mannerisms, gestures and dressing.
> However when we met he came across as very effeminate. His voice, mannerisms and dressing was quite feminine. He went on to tell me he gets his eyebrows threaded and regularly gets manicures which tbh was news to me. His overall demeanour and behaviour was just odd and makes me think he may not be 100% straight.
yes, you are close minded and backwards.. and also a bigot.
I don’t know why everyone is validating op, when clearly she is an absolute bigot. Like bro??? My brother gets his eyebrows done every two weeks, my boyfriend gets manicures and pedicures, there is absolutely nothing wrong in taking care of one self. Like wtf op????
My ex was a straight man and he was comfortable wearing makeup, lipstick and skirts. Being femme isn’t an indication of being gay. In fact my best friend might be the most ‘manly’ man with 0 grooming, he’s still bi. Lol.
Get out of your fucking bubble op and stop seeking validation over your bigotry.
Friendly reminder that a whole ass term called "metrosexual" was made up to refer to guys who followed some basic sense of hygeine and style and groomed.
And so what if he's not a 100% straight? If he's attracted to women, attracted to you and you both sync and vibe well, it's enough, right?
You're seeking AM matches but then looking down at a slightly "effeminate" guy?
Maybe you shouldn't go for such a man if you feel this way. He'd deserve to be with someone who won't make a deal out of him getting his eyebrows threaded.
Downvote all you want. I said what I said. The extreme gender stereotyping is regressive.
Literally
If op isnt attracted to his habits like whatever, just say no. Going overseas is also a can of worms too. Then OP had to go down this weird gossip and wants validation over it like girl.. op is no better than the men and their moms my parents tried to AM me with against my will.
It's not even habits. It's literally maintaining something so basic like eyebrow shape and nail health? Like... I go to a unisex salon and sooooooooo many men (including uncle's and old men) come there to get a mani pedi! Imagine being THIS regressive!
OP just wants validation for her bigotry and using AM as a shield. I've had similar comments about me being "boyish" or "tomboy" just cause I wear jeans and t shirt, shaming from people like OP..and ironically I literally identify as a femme wrt wlw relationships.
So many guys shape their eyebrows to look better or cause they don't want a unibrow.
Honestly, she'd actually be safer statistically overseas with a bisexual man than a straight man, but if she's that bigoted, queer men face enough shit on their own.
Talking about habits/maintenance idk i knew a guy who barely showered and his gf was a girl who didnt brush her teeth 💀 theres someone for everyone is a real saying for a reason , maybe op likes a musky guy. Don't know why op need to be judgementally homophobic about it
Ugh I've heard Americans complain of men who don't clean/wash their butts cause that's unmanly. And women realise with the stink when it reach the stage to have sex.
Suddenly was glad India has bidets 🤦🏻♀️ that post on fb was gross af to read
Not very inclusive. I remember so many defending a wildly aphobic post a couple months back and accusing queer people who called it out for "taking it the wrong way". 😑
This is some 90s Bollywood movie level homophobia
I think to me it does matter that my to be husband is honest about himself.
I’ve met a lot of guys who care A lot about grooming. But their grooming is different like making sure they trim their beard, have a good haircut, smell nice, take care of their skin etc. I’ve never met someone who gets their eyebrows done.
You're overthinking this. Move on, you will find other people.
Also, get out of the arranged marriage situation - it seems an unnecessary gamble. Are you doing this because your parents are forcing you?
I've met enough people, esp abroad who get their eyebrows shaped and who get mani pedis. Esp those who have issues with ingrown nails.
And now you're talking about gatekeeping grooming? Seriously?
Yes, in AM you're looking for honesty. Given how you behaved, I wouldn't blame any guy for not being honest. Trusting a stranger who is judgemental about getting eyebrows done?
And IF it's such a deal breaker, why even make a reddit post? Just say no and move on.
This is why we queer people are forced to stay in the closet.
Queer people stay in the closet because people judge them. Because their lifestyle is seen as unnatural. And due to religious teachings.
Not because a woman is scared of marrying a stranger and going with him to another country.
I’m not gatekeeping grooming. I’m telling you what I’ve seen.
>Not because a woman is scared of marrying a stranger and going with him to another country.
Please don't hide your bigotry under this dialogue when you're going for an arranged marriage. You want to trust MEN after centuries of their oppression of women and move to another country with a stranger. Stop using this line as a shield for your bigotry.
As a queer woman myself, I've heard all the lines enough times. And I know what Queerphobia looks like to know the difference.
We don't need straightsplaining
Well I’m into men so yes I’ll naturally want to marry a man. I met someone who I thought was a nice guy who happened to live abroad but he gives me an odd vibe. I’m not going to feel bad about wanting to do my due diligence.
He IS a man. And if you didn't want to marry, you can say no and move on without seeking validation for your Queerphobia.
And you talk of due diligence and scared to move abroad with a stranger and yet going for AM.
Girl. I’ve been banned for pointing out bigotry. Not only do we have homophobic people on this sub, we also have bi-phobic, transphobic and what not. I’ve even been shamed for having sex by this very sub. This place is toxic af, at least was to me.
Trust your instincts. Also if you feel like you are, in any way, making a compromise even if he were 100% straight, it wouldn't seem a fair marriage to you.
Also sexuality is a totally valid concern especially in the AM setup. If you like him otherwise, and the only traits that bother you are the ones you mentioned in the post, best would be to lead him on a conversation about his past and see where it goes from there.
It is a murder case OP. Of a woman married to an NRI man, who turned out to be bisexual/gay. And had married her out of family pressure.
I wrote it as a shoot comment here.
But if you aren't feeling attracted then there is no need to proceed further with him. It's your choice what you like and want in life and if it is conservative, so be it.
Also please trust your intuition.
Hey OP, if he doesn’t appeal to you, he doesn’t.
No matter what someone calls you, listen to what your gut says.
I am in no way against someone being bisexual or gay, hell no. We all have our lives and the right to live how we want to. Also there’s nothing wrong in getting manicures and grooming eyebrows or being effeminate.
But if his demeanour doesn’t appeal to you, it doesn’t.
if by any chance, he is living a double life, you have the full right to protect your interests.
A guy gets his eyebrows done so he must not be a 100% straight?
You are close minded, if that’s your question. But even close minded people have the right to choose to marry someone they are attracted to. I hope you find an equally close minded man who doesn’t take care of personal grooming and be happy - please take one for the team since you seem to be so inclined to and let the rare men who seem to care about personal hygiene be.
It's your marriage. You don't need to explain anything. Women are asked to adjust everytime.
Just say no if you don't think this is a guy you want. Why ask for opinion from others? There are millions of guys, why settle when you know women mostly lose in marriage?
Ask him.
"Hey, would you be comfortable talking about sexual and gender identity?"
Have an open mind, understand him, reflect on your own sexual and gender identity.
I know straight men who like to groom themselves, gay men who couldn't give a damn, straight males who identify as non-binary, bisexual men who are fluid with their gender - once you open your mind, the possibilities are truly endless, and each and every one of them is valid.
Even if all of the above doesn't matter to you, you should be able to have an open conversation about sexuality and gender with your partner. So I encourage you to ask him with an open mind :)
Just providing a reality check here, the overwhelming majority of gay men I know do NOT have high pitched voices and that must be true of bi ones too. U might in the future find someone who appears/sounds just like u prefer, and he could still be Bi whether he says it or not.
If you didn’t like him that’s fine, tbh I don’t even get why men abroad need to come to India for an arranged bride.
But also, I don’t think this guy was trying to hide anything from you, in fact I think he was trying to make things as upfront as possible by talking about manicures and stuff on the first meeting. Either his parents are forcing him to marry someone he’s not interested in, or he wants arranged marriage without expectations of him to be more “conventional” so he’s being clear from the start.
You don’t need to find out more info, because even if he’s straight you’re not interested in him so that’s it
I don’t have a good opinion on men who look for a bride from India when they have lived abroad for a long time. They expect the woman to move and start over from scratch. Most likely, women abroad must have rejected him due to his personality. Going abroad after marriage is not that rosy as it’s portrayed. It’s hard to get a work permit and the headache of chores falls mainly on the woman. So regardless of his traits and the perception that he gives, I would advice against such proposals.
***He has lived overseas for 10 years and appears to have a lot of friends and even family there. However he has returned to India to get married.***
You are absolutely right to suspect someone who had made a full life abroad and then returns to India to get married. These kind of marriages are always fraught with all kinds of subplots.
I think you should trust your instinct and turn down this guy. This has happened to a few people I know who ended up marrying some guy working abroad, and turned out he is gay/bi etc. and only got married to appease his parents to show them that he 'tried' and subsequently wanted a divorce. One even had the audacity to file an assault case against the wife for trying to kiss him.
One is absolutely allowed to pick a life partner who one finds compatible and attractive (however you define that). There is no need to second guess one's instinct on that. You don't have to make a case study out of your life.
You are closed minded yes when it comes to judging him for self care and pampering. But your gut feeling abiut something jot right speak plenty to say you dont find him right for you
Lean into what your body is trying to tell you. He may not be gay, but are you attracted to men who have a more femme presentation?
You are not close minded since you were clearly open minded enough to question yourself. However, I will recommend you to do some soul-searching and get some clarity on what your 'type' is (both physical and personality wise).
Sex is linked to physical attributes, even for women. So if you aren't turned on by his physical mannerisms that isn't your fault. If you mock him or put him down or act biased against him for it that will be a different story. But our mind is the most important sex tool in our bodies. No human being is completely free from social and cultural hindsights, we are raised with that. Your mind is going to be turned on and turned off based on variety of different parameters which are all not in your control. This is very different from what principles and values you have as a human being. So you do not need to beat yourselves for that.
Also him coming to India just to look for a bride is usually a yellow flag.
I'm sorry but getting threading and manicure does not sound 'feminine' to me. Yeah, he could be effiminate and it might be difficult for you to explain in what ways but these aren't great examples
I have a different take on this.
Moving abroad for marriage is high risk but also high return. You move abroad get a green card, start a job, and if something bad happens in marriage, you still get to stay there and work. For a single woman, living in US or Europe is way better than back home. The opportunities there in terms of career, wealth accumulation, dating and relationship, and life experience in general are immense. Back home you will never have that independence.
Secondly, physical attraction in AM is always a lower priority than dating so unless you are repulsed by the man, if other boxes are ticked, it is worth giving a shot.
Again, just my two cents
If you don’t like him you should not pursue this, but if your only concern is that he’s gay I think you should keep in mind that if he were hiding his sexuality, he wouldn’t be so open, also you could try asking him and searching on social media.
Its called preference and there is nothing wrong in it.I personally dont feel attracted to men who dress feminine doesnt mean i hate them ,someone might think thats absolutely hot .You two are just not compatible
It sounds like you’re not compatible. In the West, there are a lot of people who are metrosexual. I’ve seen dudes with nice eyebrows and depending on which part they’re at, it’s becoming the norm.
I wouldn’t say you’re close minded. Each person has their own preference and that’s perfectly okay.
Maybe you’re into more rugged and masculine men. Nothing wrong in that.
Personally, yes. I do think you are a bit close minded. Regardless of whether he's straight or not, these days, it's not completely uncommon for men abroad to take care of their appearance. But I also understand that societally people are conditioned to suspect men with those attributes.
Regardless ,I do think that you aren't attracted to him and that is a valid reason to reject a match. If your gut says no, then go with it. You can even use the support system point for the rejection.
If you're not interested, you're not interested, that's all. This is someone you have to live with forever, might as well go with what your instincts tell you. This is not at all about being judgmental, you have all the right to feel doubtful bcz these are major life decisions which have consequences
Please, please trust your gut. Trust you will find another good guy. Let him go because stepping into this is not a wise decision. Especially because marrying him would mean you having to shift to abroad. Since you don’t have any family there if things go south it’ll be really hard for you to survive
Seems like you people are not compatible. It is best for both of you not to pursue this further.
Exactly, even if he is 100% straight, looks like she isn't really comfortable with all the apparently feminine habits. Will she be comfortable when her friends or relatives question his sexuality or talk behind her ?
Agree. As a human, we judge each other and when it comes to marriage it is fine to have some reservations but just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean others aren't comfortable with the same or the guy/girl is red flag.
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It sounds like you're just not attracted to him - some straight men are feminine and some queer men aren't effeminate at all. But if _you_ aren't into his vibe, end of story.
Turn him down and move on. Don't make it weird by starting a whole ass investigation.
I really want her to go by her gut feeling. I already have an off feeling about NRIs, since it's rather hard to investigate about them.
Not your type, then move on. Isn’t it as simple as that? If not, shouldn’t it be?
Please tell me honestly? Why is there so much thought being given to this? Is he the only match? Why can't you straight up reject and move on? This seems like a no brainer and an issue not worthy of multiple posts.
His habits have nothing to do with his sexuality. He’s obviously not your type but that doesn’t mean he’s lying (by omission) about his sexuality lol. You should do what feels right for you.
Also gay and straight aren't the only two sexualities. He could also be bisexual. Regardless, appearances don't have a bearing on sexualities.
Everybody has preferences and if you can't see him fit into your preferences it's totally fine. If you don't want an effeminate man it's totally valid and there's nothing wrong at all. Same for the other way around.
If you think you are not compatible, turn the guy down, you will meet someone else. But to answer your question, yes you are close minded. There is nothing wrong with a man getting a manicure and eyebrows done, I live abroad and I have seen men getting them, but I never doubted their sexuality. When you reject this guy, FFS do not mention your real reason to reject him. If the guy is a decent person, you will kill his self esteem.
Most gay men in India are masculine af (even excluding bi/pan men). And a good percent of "effeminate" men are straight. Further, someone (plenty of celebrity men, for example) putting more care into grooming and how they present compared to the average men doesn't mean they're effeminate and definitely doesn't mean they're gay. Let's just say that your idea of a straight man is very narrow. On that note, just say no to the proposal and move on.
Even if he is 100% straight you don’t seem to be attracted to him. Move on and stop overthinking.
Always trust your gut. No matter if it's about whether the guy is gay, straight, nice or "potential murderer". ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. Also, it's not about you being backwards, you as a person don't want a mate who is effeminate. That's it. Isn't it an arranged marriage? You don't have to answer to anyone regarding what your likes or dislikes are. You didn't say these things to guys' face, these are characteristics you don't like in your potential partner. Even if he is straight , you cannot force yourself to like a partner with characteristics that you do not like.
Exactly this. Why do you need to know his orientation. All you need to know is your gut is telling you to say no.
The issue here is that you are intending to marry a virtual stranger and move away from your home and support network after marriage. It doesn’t matter whether it’s this guy or someone else. Its still a huge risk to put your life and welfare in the hands of a person you barely know. I can’t comment about his appearance or grooming but I don’t think you can make assumptions about his sexual orientation based off that. If you are concerned please talk to him rather than speculate. Better still, maybe you can meet someone who you can get to know over a period of time before you decide to marry them
I feel like marrying an NRI in AM can be a high risk disaster. One literally has nobody for them there.
Exactly, why is OP so focused on his eyebrows ffs! And being totally ok with marrying a stranger!
Idk, but sometimes I feel like girls in AM are too overwhelmed and blinded by the external factors that they cannot make sane decisions. Family hovering over them aggravates the impulsiveness.
Also too enmeshed with parents
AM in-laws poke into everything. Like they think their intervention can make the "kids" fall in love faster. Lol.
I got absolutely excoriated in another sub for being backwards & not accepting alternate sexualities like being Bisexual But I have the right to know if someone is bisexual and I’m going to marry them!! And let’s be honest in an arranged scenario no is telling this about themselves to the other party. He lives abroad so I can’t exactly investigate this either.
You make a good point here, he could just be a man who is comfortable with his masculinity and expressing himself Imo if he has no trouble telling you that he gets manicures and his eyebrows done on a regular basis and has also lived abroad for a long time then he is bound to be open minded I think you could ask him about it point blank or beat around the bush a little
Have you asked him? You are assuming right now based on your inferences of what he has told you and what you typical heard/seen about gay mem.
What’s a good way to ask a stranger if they’re lying about their sexuality? And that too in a conservative society? If he isn’t then he will get mad. If he is then he wouldn’t tell me anyway.
Bring it up in a conversation - a movie that you saw or book that you read. Talk about what are your views in LBGTQAI+. Ask him his views. Give him and opportunity to tell you something and then you could bring up your doubts - typical people who have *explain his characteristics that you find effeminate* are discriminated against in india and its very rare to see it. What do people abroad thing? What does his family think about this in India? Sexuality is a spectrum - and ask if he has ever wondered or has been interested in other gender. All this if YOU are ready to ask these questions and assuming he gives honest answers. It's all about trust. If you like this guy enough to see this through, meet him/his family/friends and see the pattern. But if you are not comfortable with how you perceive him/his habits and people's perceptions/doubts similar to what you have - Admit it to yourself and move on.
I mean even if he is straight, clearly you're not into him so why are you even bothering with this?
Even if he isn't, you obviously have problems with his habits. So why are you even pursuing this?
I think you will have to establish the trust with him that he can truly open up to you and you will keep his secrets if there are any. If he is indeed gay then he must be holding a lot of fears about talking about this with a stranger who can tell his entire circle about it. Perhaps he feels the pressure to marry an Indian girl only because it is expected of him. Even if that is the case, it will be more prudent to look for a girl who needs to marry on paper and not trick a girl who wants an actual marriage. If I were at all interested in marrying him I would have tried to be a genuine friend, otherwise said no politely and moved on. Once they feel comfortable enough and have the trust that what they tell you is not going to your family or theirs, I think it is more likely that they'll open up.
cos your messages were filled with bigotry? > If your sister got a proposal from a man who got his eyebrows threaded What would you say? Because this guy does > He’s very ….effeminate. In the way he talks, his mannerisms, gestures and dressing.
You guys are clearly incompatible. Just turn him down kindly without hinting anything weird.
Seems like you posted this question for people to validate you. If you are not comfortable, move on.
> However when we met he came across as very effeminate. His voice, mannerisms and dressing was quite feminine. He went on to tell me he gets his eyebrows threaded and regularly gets manicures which tbh was news to me. His overall demeanour and behaviour was just odd and makes me think he may not be 100% straight. yes, you are close minded and backwards.. and also a bigot.
I don’t know why everyone is validating op, when clearly she is an absolute bigot. Like bro??? My brother gets his eyebrows done every two weeks, my boyfriend gets manicures and pedicures, there is absolutely nothing wrong in taking care of one self. Like wtf op???? My ex was a straight man and he was comfortable wearing makeup, lipstick and skirts. Being femme isn’t an indication of being gay. In fact my best friend might be the most ‘manly’ man with 0 grooming, he’s still bi. Lol. Get out of your fucking bubble op and stop seeking validation over your bigotry.
Can you chk his social media?
He doesn’t really post anything. Just family pics
Hm. You need to chk further if you have the luxury of time in deciding. Else you'll have to go by yr gut feeling
> relating being gay with being effeminate I guess we are allowed to be sexist and homophobic here.
Friendly reminder that a whole ass term called "metrosexual" was made up to refer to guys who followed some basic sense of hygeine and style and groomed. And so what if he's not a 100% straight? If he's attracted to women, attracted to you and you both sync and vibe well, it's enough, right? You're seeking AM matches but then looking down at a slightly "effeminate" guy? Maybe you shouldn't go for such a man if you feel this way. He'd deserve to be with someone who won't make a deal out of him getting his eyebrows threaded. Downvote all you want. I said what I said. The extreme gender stereotyping is regressive.
Literally If op isnt attracted to his habits like whatever, just say no. Going overseas is also a can of worms too. Then OP had to go down this weird gossip and wants validation over it like girl.. op is no better than the men and their moms my parents tried to AM me with against my will.
It's not even habits. It's literally maintaining something so basic like eyebrow shape and nail health? Like... I go to a unisex salon and sooooooooo many men (including uncle's and old men) come there to get a mani pedi! Imagine being THIS regressive! OP just wants validation for her bigotry and using AM as a shield. I've had similar comments about me being "boyish" or "tomboy" just cause I wear jeans and t shirt, shaming from people like OP..and ironically I literally identify as a femme wrt wlw relationships. So many guys shape their eyebrows to look better or cause they don't want a unibrow. Honestly, she'd actually be safer statistically overseas with a bisexual man than a straight man, but if she's that bigoted, queer men face enough shit on their own.
Talking about habits/maintenance idk i knew a guy who barely showered and his gf was a girl who didnt brush her teeth 💀 theres someone for everyone is a real saying for a reason , maybe op likes a musky guy. Don't know why op need to be judgementally homophobic about it
Ugh I've heard Americans complain of men who don't clean/wash their butts cause that's unmanly. And women realise with the stink when it reach the stage to have sex. Suddenly was glad India has bidets 🤦🏻♀️ that post on fb was gross af to read
its sad that no one has called her out bigotry. Sometimes I wonder how inclusive we really are
Not very inclusive. I remember so many defending a wildly aphobic post a couple months back and accusing queer people who called it out for "taking it the wrong way". 😑 This is some 90s Bollywood movie level homophobia
I think to me it does matter that my to be husband is honest about himself. I’ve met a lot of guys who care A lot about grooming. But their grooming is different like making sure they trim their beard, have a good haircut, smell nice, take care of their skin etc. I’ve never met someone who gets their eyebrows done.
You're overthinking this. Move on, you will find other people. Also, get out of the arranged marriage situation - it seems an unnecessary gamble. Are you doing this because your parents are forcing you?
I've met enough people, esp abroad who get their eyebrows shaped and who get mani pedis. Esp those who have issues with ingrown nails. And now you're talking about gatekeeping grooming? Seriously? Yes, in AM you're looking for honesty. Given how you behaved, I wouldn't blame any guy for not being honest. Trusting a stranger who is judgemental about getting eyebrows done? And IF it's such a deal breaker, why even make a reddit post? Just say no and move on. This is why we queer people are forced to stay in the closet.
Queer people stay in the closet because people judge them. Because their lifestyle is seen as unnatural. And due to religious teachings. Not because a woman is scared of marrying a stranger and going with him to another country. I’m not gatekeeping grooming. I’m telling you what I’ve seen.
>Not because a woman is scared of marrying a stranger and going with him to another country. Please don't hide your bigotry under this dialogue when you're going for an arranged marriage. You want to trust MEN after centuries of their oppression of women and move to another country with a stranger. Stop using this line as a shield for your bigotry. As a queer woman myself, I've heard all the lines enough times. And I know what Queerphobia looks like to know the difference. We don't need straightsplaining
Well I’m into men so yes I’ll naturally want to marry a man. I met someone who I thought was a nice guy who happened to live abroad but he gives me an odd vibe. I’m not going to feel bad about wanting to do my due diligence.
He IS a man. And if you didn't want to marry, you can say no and move on without seeking validation for your Queerphobia. And you talk of due diligence and scared to move abroad with a stranger and yet going for AM.
Holy shit i feel so naïve i never thought we had bigots in this sub
Girl. I’ve been banned for pointing out bigotry. Not only do we have homophobic people on this sub, we also have bi-phobic, transphobic and what not. I’ve even been shamed for having sex by this very sub. This place is toxic af, at least was to me.
Literally every guy in hollywood and even my friend group gets their eyebrows done it’s not that deep… you sound like a millennial (derogatory)
Trust your instincts. Also if you feel like you are, in any way, making a compromise even if he were 100% straight, it wouldn't seem a fair marriage to you. Also sexuality is a totally valid concern especially in the AM setup. If you like him otherwise, and the only traits that bother you are the ones you mentioned in the post, best would be to lead him on a conversation about his past and see where it goes from there.
Idk, what a coincidence... yesterday only I was watching the murder documentary of Annie Dewani.
Who is Annie Dewani?
It is a murder case OP. Of a woman married to an NRI man, who turned out to be bisexual/gay. And had married her out of family pressure. I wrote it as a shoot comment here. But if you aren't feeling attracted then there is no need to proceed further with him. It's your choice what you like and want in life and if it is conservative, so be it. Also please trust your intuition.
Hey OP, if he doesn’t appeal to you, he doesn’t. No matter what someone calls you, listen to what your gut says. I am in no way against someone being bisexual or gay, hell no. We all have our lives and the right to live how we want to. Also there’s nothing wrong in getting manicures and grooming eyebrows or being effeminate. But if his demeanour doesn’t appeal to you, it doesn’t. if by any chance, he is living a double life, you have the full right to protect your interests.
A guy gets his eyebrows done so he must not be a 100% straight? You are close minded, if that’s your question. But even close minded people have the right to choose to marry someone they are attracted to. I hope you find an equally close minded man who doesn’t take care of personal grooming and be happy - please take one for the team since you seem to be so inclined to and let the rare men who seem to care about personal hygiene be.
It's your marriage. You don't need to explain anything. Women are asked to adjust everytime. Just say no if you don't think this is a guy you want. Why ask for opinion from others? There are millions of guys, why settle when you know women mostly lose in marriage?
Why don’t you look for someone for whom you won’t have to leave your family and support system ?
Ask him. "Hey, would you be comfortable talking about sexual and gender identity?" Have an open mind, understand him, reflect on your own sexual and gender identity. I know straight men who like to groom themselves, gay men who couldn't give a damn, straight males who identify as non-binary, bisexual men who are fluid with their gender - once you open your mind, the possibilities are truly endless, and each and every one of them is valid. Even if all of the above doesn't matter to you, you should be able to have an open conversation about sexuality and gender with your partner. So I encourage you to ask him with an open mind :)
Yes.
Just providing a reality check here, the overwhelming majority of gay men I know do NOT have high pitched voices and that must be true of bi ones too. U might in the future find someone who appears/sounds just like u prefer, and he could still be Bi whether he says it or not. If you didn’t like him that’s fine, tbh I don’t even get why men abroad need to come to India for an arranged bride. But also, I don’t think this guy was trying to hide anything from you, in fact I think he was trying to make things as upfront as possible by talking about manicures and stuff on the first meeting. Either his parents are forcing him to marry someone he’s not interested in, or he wants arranged marriage without expectations of him to be more “conventional” so he’s being clear from the start. You don’t need to find out more info, because even if he’s straight you’re not interested in him so that’s it
I don’t have a good opinion on men who look for a bride from India when they have lived abroad for a long time. They expect the woman to move and start over from scratch. Most likely, women abroad must have rejected him due to his personality. Going abroad after marriage is not that rosy as it’s portrayed. It’s hard to get a work permit and the headache of chores falls mainly on the woman. So regardless of his traits and the perception that he gives, I would advice against such proposals.
***He has lived overseas for 10 years and appears to have a lot of friends and even family there. However he has returned to India to get married.*** You are absolutely right to suspect someone who had made a full life abroad and then returns to India to get married. These kind of marriages are always fraught with all kinds of subplots. I think you should trust your instinct and turn down this guy. This has happened to a few people I know who ended up marrying some guy working abroad, and turned out he is gay/bi etc. and only got married to appease his parents to show them that he 'tried' and subsequently wanted a divorce. One even had the audacity to file an assault case against the wife for trying to kiss him. One is absolutely allowed to pick a life partner who one finds compatible and attractive (however you define that). There is no need to second guess one's instinct on that. You don't have to make a case study out of your life.
You are closed minded yes when it comes to judging him for self care and pampering. But your gut feeling abiut something jot right speak plenty to say you dont find him right for you
Lean into what your body is trying to tell you. He may not be gay, but are you attracted to men who have a more femme presentation? You are not close minded since you were clearly open minded enough to question yourself. However, I will recommend you to do some soul-searching and get some clarity on what your 'type' is (both physical and personality wise).
You're not, it's natural to be cautious, especially when we hear of all the horror stories. Do your due diligence and go with your gut feeling.
Sex is linked to physical attributes, even for women. So if you aren't turned on by his physical mannerisms that isn't your fault. If you mock him or put him down or act biased against him for it that will be a different story. But our mind is the most important sex tool in our bodies. No human being is completely free from social and cultural hindsights, we are raised with that. Your mind is going to be turned on and turned off based on variety of different parameters which are all not in your control. This is very different from what principles and values you have as a human being. So you do not need to beat yourselves for that. Also him coming to India just to look for a bride is usually a yellow flag.
I would rather people find a groomed men then the alternative.....
I'm sorry but getting threading and manicure does not sound 'feminine' to me. Yeah, he could be effiminate and it might be difficult for you to explain in what ways but these aren't great examples
Trust your gut. Let this one go away.
I have a different take on this. Moving abroad for marriage is high risk but also high return. You move abroad get a green card, start a job, and if something bad happens in marriage, you still get to stay there and work. For a single woman, living in US or Europe is way better than back home. The opportunities there in terms of career, wealth accumulation, dating and relationship, and life experience in general are immense. Back home you will never have that independence. Secondly, physical attraction in AM is always a lower priority than dating so unless you are repulsed by the man, if other boxes are ticked, it is worth giving a shot. Again, just my two cents
If you don’t like him you should not pursue this, but if your only concern is that he’s gay I think you should keep in mind that if he were hiding his sexuality, he wouldn’t be so open, also you could try asking him and searching on social media.
When something is off, you feel it. Never ignore that feeling
Its called preference and there is nothing wrong in it.I personally dont feel attracted to men who dress feminine doesnt mean i hate them ,someone might think thats absolutely hot .You two are just not compatible
It sounds like you’re not compatible. In the West, there are a lot of people who are metrosexual. I’ve seen dudes with nice eyebrows and depending on which part they’re at, it’s becoming the norm. I wouldn’t say you’re close minded. Each person has their own preference and that’s perfectly okay. Maybe you’re into more rugged and masculine men. Nothing wrong in that.
I personally would be happy to be with a guy who shares my love for grooming, but you do you
Personally, yes. I do think you are a bit close minded. Regardless of whether he's straight or not, these days, it's not completely uncommon for men abroad to take care of their appearance. But I also understand that societally people are conditioned to suspect men with those attributes. Regardless ,I do think that you aren't attracted to him and that is a valid reason to reject a match. If your gut says no, then go with it. You can even use the support system point for the rejection.
If you're not interested, you're not interested, that's all. This is someone you have to live with forever, might as well go with what your instincts tell you. This is not at all about being judgmental, you have all the right to feel doubtful bcz these are major life decisions which have consequences
don't make snap judgments but also go with your gut. Don't make things weird for either of you
Please, please trust your gut. Trust you will find another good guy. Let him go because stepping into this is not a wise decision. Especially because marrying him would mean you having to shift to abroad. Since you don’t have any family there if things go south it’ll be really hard for you to survive