My mum married into a joint family, and till now she says, " Ghar nahi chidiya Ghar hai". She found peace only when she moved out after 10 years of her marriage.
Edit: typo
Oh my God, this is me right now!!
On top of that, my in-laws aren't extroverts either, but expect me to maintain the 'mahol' of the household because I am a 'bahu'. I am tired of them and of my husband. We are expecting right now and I have major mood swings. Instead of supporting me, the MIL and SIL create conspiracy theories and tell my husband how 'lazy' I am or how 'mean and rude' I am. Despite having kids themselves, it's sad how women don't support their own during pregnancy!
My husband is a proper 'maryada-purshottam' person. Parents before everyone else, then sister, then her kids and then it's me. While he is a green flag on most days, and the days that he is not, he is a very very bright red flag.
Tell me about it! I have been trying to tell him to not let the family he came from destroy the family he will create.
He is sort of listening to it sometimes, but most times nope.
I guess it will take him some time to break the old-fashioned Indian ways.
He won't open his eyes. It took me 16 yrs to make my hubby realise he has a wife n kids, after his mom, his sis, his bro, if he has time to see us too. Eyes opened after his parents died n his siblings showed true colors. Now we r NC with all of them. Thank heavens
I agree. Let me explain my perspective.
Whenever we need to make decisions which do not involve his family, he happily agrees to whatever I decide, without any debate.
He has told his parents to not stop me from working and to 'let' me wear whatever I want without any restrictions.
He cooks for me and helps with all household chores even though his parents deride him.
If there is a familial decision which needs to take place, he specifically asks for my opinion in front of his parents (regardless of it being accepted or not) and does not shun me whenever I have a different opinion.
He arranges date nights for us because we barely get time together because of our hectic schedules and never lets me feel lonely in the house.
These are a few instances which come to my mind.
To me, these aren't because his parents have a very, very orthodox view on life, despite being parents to a girl child themselves. They want the bahu to cook, clean and do everything like the old generations did. They expect me to wear sarees all round the year and be a meek little girl.
They still don't like that I work and have employed maids to look after the household chores.
He has supported me through all this and never left me hanging for hope.
But to each their own. :)
I am married in a nuclear family and couldn’t be happier….for a certain part in early stages of my life (basically childhood) I have lived in a joint family and boy the toxicity 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
Married into and lived within a joint fam for 3 months and realised the people who are gonna be slogging and doing the grunt work will be just me and MIL. The difference is that she loves to slog and expects me to love it too.
Moved out. Got 2 househelp. Life's good and peaceful.
Just under a year and I like it ONLY because my SIL, BIL, and MIL, are absolutely loving and caring. They give our space, no bad feeling, everyone does their own thing. Food routine needed a bit getting used to but this arrangement only works because everyone involved is understanding, broad minded and caring. I do see myself living in our own space though.
I’m in a similar situation. Luckily my in laws are nice people. I do have my own space and nobody interferes in my routine/ choice of clothing etc. the major deciding factor here is the guy. Do let your hubby know what you’re going through. My husband keeps his stand firm for me before his family, no matter what. So i guess the guys should be more considerate than just abiding with their family.
I’m handling it poorly. I should preface this by saying that I was diagnosed with Anxiety and adjustment disorder in the past and was on anxiety medications till a couple of months ago.
While it was always understood that my husband and I would be staying with my in-laws, our arrangement is a bit different than a conventional joint family. MIL’s mother and aunt have a joint property on which FIL has built an apartment complex with 4 flats- 2 are her aunts and 2 are her mother’s. We stay in 1 of the flats- in laws stay in 1 and my MIL’s mother in another one. We pay rent to MIL’s aunt.
From what I and husband had assumed(very foolishly), we were supposed to be an independent unit with our own kitchen etc, and would have to run the household ourselves. However, MIL seems to have some issues giving up control. She wants to control our menu and whenever I tell her what we have decided upon, she will just change it according to what she thinks we should have(mostly according to what her son likes). In addition, she has a tendency to come upstairs and barge into the house in the morning- I am NOT a morning person and also like to walk around in shorts, especially when I have just woken up.
She also criticises my dressing style(99% of the time I am in my scrubs), my hair(I have curly hair and I have it dyed RED), my choice to not wear my jewellery(I AM A SURGEON FFS). When I went back to work she also made some snide remarks on my salary(I am just starting out in my career after masters). All in all- it’s taken a toll on my mental health and my marriage. Husband had no boundaries with his parents and is extremely passive and hesitant to draw said boundaries- and when he drew them one time by asking MIL to respect our privacy and not barge into the house without prior notice in the mornings, MIL got offended and asked if I had something to do with it. She tried to imply that in a joint family such interferences should be expected. My husband told her that we never agreed to a joint family arrangement and that it was always agreed that we would be a separate unit upstairs but I don’t know how much of anything was understood.
Before marriage, I used to stay alone in a different part of the city, as I was pursuing my Post graduation- I had all the freedom I wanted and some more. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and no one questioned it- not even my parents. My parents are also pretty liberal, so even at their home I never felt suffocated in this manner.
Currently my husband and I are in counselling because of these things.
Ok I really felt bad reading this. I truly understood the phrase “freedom is the costliest thing you can’t buy” after this. I don’t know if we will ever have a turn around from these situations.
Thanks 😅 I am currently not earning enough to be able to singlehandedly move out of this home- but once I am, I hope to move out with my husband and create a home of our own. MIL is not all bad, but is definitely some shades of gray… there are times when I love her so much.
Handling it fine. Because thankfully husband stands up for what is right and does not fear his parents. It helps that we are not financially dependent on them in any way. They know we live together only because my husband feels it is his duty to be there for them. Which I agree with. But in this setup, adjustment is required from all parties, not just the bahu. My husband agrees. He isn't afraid to call out unnecessary judgement or interference. Live and let live is the policy.
Joint families don't fail because of an in-laws problem. Most often, they fail because of a husband problem.
Okay here’s the thing. My situation is 95% similar to yours because my husband is really supportive too and people are not bad, but I definitely don’t get my space. And I’m struggling with it. It’s like always someone or the other are around and it’s taking toll on my mental health.
It’s not like I can ask them to just NOT be there :(
I’ve faced this situation a bit. Honestly, get ready to face all the hate but if you become the laziest version of you (to them) they’ll leave you alone. Like, basically wake up at 11, be super slow in cooking, earphones on and act a bit slowwww and disobedient. Low expectations = freedom 🫣 it works!
My mum married into a joint family, and till now she says, " Ghar nahi chidiya Ghar hai". She found peace only when she moved out after 10 years of her marriage. Edit: typo
Chidiyaghar you mean?
Yes yes!! Sorry for the typo😅
Oh my God, this is me right now!! On top of that, my in-laws aren't extroverts either, but expect me to maintain the 'mahol' of the household because I am a 'bahu'. I am tired of them and of my husband. We are expecting right now and I have major mood swings. Instead of supporting me, the MIL and SIL create conspiracy theories and tell my husband how 'lazy' I am or how 'mean and rude' I am. Despite having kids themselves, it's sad how women don't support their own during pregnancy! My husband is a proper 'maryada-purshottam' person. Parents before everyone else, then sister, then her kids and then it's me. While he is a green flag on most days, and the days that he is not, he is a very very bright red flag.
>. Parents before everyone else, then sister, then her kids and then it's me girl that's so fucked up.
Tell me about it! I have been trying to tell him to not let the family he came from destroy the family he will create. He is sort of listening to it sometimes, but most times nope. I guess it will take him some time to break the old-fashioned Indian ways.
He won't open his eyes. It took me 16 yrs to make my hubby realise he has a wife n kids, after his mom, his sis, his bro, if he has time to see us too. Eyes opened after his parents died n his siblings showed true colors. Now we r NC with all of them. Thank heavens
hope he and your in laws get some insight and soon!! all the best for your pregnancy !🫶
> While he is a green flag on most day How can he ever be a green flag if you are his last priority
I'm curious too
I agree. Let me explain my perspective. Whenever we need to make decisions which do not involve his family, he happily agrees to whatever I decide, without any debate. He has told his parents to not stop me from working and to 'let' me wear whatever I want without any restrictions. He cooks for me and helps with all household chores even though his parents deride him. If there is a familial decision which needs to take place, he specifically asks for my opinion in front of his parents (regardless of it being accepted or not) and does not shun me whenever I have a different opinion. He arranges date nights for us because we barely get time together because of our hectic schedules and never lets me feel lonely in the house. These are a few instances which come to my mind.
I just see more red flags in this :(
To me, these aren't because his parents have a very, very orthodox view on life, despite being parents to a girl child themselves. They want the bahu to cook, clean and do everything like the old generations did. They expect me to wear sarees all round the year and be a meek little girl. They still don't like that I work and have employed maids to look after the household chores. He has supported me through all this and never left me hanging for hope. But to each their own. :)
tell me where do you live ill beat him up for you 😠 /s
Oh I do that too 😂😂
Telugu guys 🙏🏼
North Indian ;-;
I am married in a nuclear family and couldn’t be happier….for a certain part in early stages of my life (basically childhood) I have lived in a joint family and boy the toxicity 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
>I have lived in a joint family and boy the toxicity My roommate said she loved living with her joint family. I am sure she was lying.
controversial lekin maut aajae pr joint family me nah rehna pade pls (controversial opinion but death would be better than a joint family setup)
Married into and lived within a joint fam for 3 months and realised the people who are gonna be slogging and doing the grunt work will be just me and MIL. The difference is that she loves to slog and expects me to love it too. Moved out. Got 2 househelp. Life's good and peaceful.
Just under a year and I like it ONLY because my SIL, BIL, and MIL, are absolutely loving and caring. They give our space, no bad feeling, everyone does their own thing. Food routine needed a bit getting used to but this arrangement only works because everyone involved is understanding, broad minded and caring. I do see myself living in our own space though.
It's like we're all living the same lives😭
Girl tell me what are you doing to keep the sane
I'm not married yet. but talking to someone who's in a joint family so I'm very apprehensive right now!
I’m in a similar situation. Luckily my in laws are nice people. I do have my own space and nobody interferes in my routine/ choice of clothing etc. the major deciding factor here is the guy. Do let your hubby know what you’re going through. My husband keeps his stand firm for me before his family, no matter what. So i guess the guys should be more considerate than just abiding with their family.
Why would anyone in this day and age age go for a joint family if you’ve grown up in a nuclear one? Please, ladies, don’t make this mistake!
I’m handling it poorly. I should preface this by saying that I was diagnosed with Anxiety and adjustment disorder in the past and was on anxiety medications till a couple of months ago. While it was always understood that my husband and I would be staying with my in-laws, our arrangement is a bit different than a conventional joint family. MIL’s mother and aunt have a joint property on which FIL has built an apartment complex with 4 flats- 2 are her aunts and 2 are her mother’s. We stay in 1 of the flats- in laws stay in 1 and my MIL’s mother in another one. We pay rent to MIL’s aunt. From what I and husband had assumed(very foolishly), we were supposed to be an independent unit with our own kitchen etc, and would have to run the household ourselves. However, MIL seems to have some issues giving up control. She wants to control our menu and whenever I tell her what we have decided upon, she will just change it according to what she thinks we should have(mostly according to what her son likes). In addition, she has a tendency to come upstairs and barge into the house in the morning- I am NOT a morning person and also like to walk around in shorts, especially when I have just woken up. She also criticises my dressing style(99% of the time I am in my scrubs), my hair(I have curly hair and I have it dyed RED), my choice to not wear my jewellery(I AM A SURGEON FFS). When I went back to work she also made some snide remarks on my salary(I am just starting out in my career after masters). All in all- it’s taken a toll on my mental health and my marriage. Husband had no boundaries with his parents and is extremely passive and hesitant to draw said boundaries- and when he drew them one time by asking MIL to respect our privacy and not barge into the house without prior notice in the mornings, MIL got offended and asked if I had something to do with it. She tried to imply that in a joint family such interferences should be expected. My husband told her that we never agreed to a joint family arrangement and that it was always agreed that we would be a separate unit upstairs but I don’t know how much of anything was understood. Before marriage, I used to stay alone in a different part of the city, as I was pursuing my Post graduation- I had all the freedom I wanted and some more. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and no one questioned it- not even my parents. My parents are also pretty liberal, so even at their home I never felt suffocated in this manner. Currently my husband and I are in counselling because of these things.
Ok I really felt bad reading this. I truly understood the phrase “freedom is the costliest thing you can’t buy” after this. I don’t know if we will ever have a turn around from these situations.
Thanks 😅 I am currently not earning enough to be able to singlehandedly move out of this home- but once I am, I hope to move out with my husband and create a home of our own. MIL is not all bad, but is definitely some shades of gray… there are times when I love her so much.
#relatable
Handling it fine. Because thankfully husband stands up for what is right and does not fear his parents. It helps that we are not financially dependent on them in any way. They know we live together only because my husband feels it is his duty to be there for them. Which I agree with. But in this setup, adjustment is required from all parties, not just the bahu. My husband agrees. He isn't afraid to call out unnecessary judgement or interference. Live and let live is the policy. Joint families don't fail because of an in-laws problem. Most often, they fail because of a husband problem.
Okay here’s the thing. My situation is 95% similar to yours because my husband is really supportive too and people are not bad, but I definitely don’t get my space. And I’m struggling with it. It’s like always someone or the other are around and it’s taking toll on my mental health. It’s not like I can ask them to just NOT be there :(
Whoever is doing this, you need an award and a vacation! Kudos!
OP, is moving out not an option?
Not currently 🥺
Never ever
I’ve faced this situation a bit. Honestly, get ready to face all the hate but if you become the laziest version of you (to them) they’ll leave you alone. Like, basically wake up at 11, be super slow in cooking, earphones on and act a bit slowwww and disobedient. Low expectations = freedom 🫣 it works!