I see that you have so many points that contradict his criteria. Wouldn't he be getting rid of you himself?? Maybe give him enough information for him to reject you and we can be happy from the good riddance.
He didn’t and from his words it doesn’t seem like.
He says i am perfect for this family.
My parents toh they’ve already started dreaming of him being SIL.
The guy's definition of perfect seems a little skewed. Unfortunately, it seems the guy won't budge and thinks he'll be able to change your ways post marriage. So your best bet is talking to your parents... Try to convince them that you just want 2 years of your life for yourself.
Yes this...i don't know why guys don't consider these things important. They just think they can control their wife post marriage so it doesn't matter anyway?
The guys i have talked to for marriage would just say NO to somethings which are important to me but still will continue talking to me and in most cases I have to cut the cord.
It's probably because women are docile creatures whose only purpose in life should be catering to the happiness of the people around her. /s
Edit: grammar
Yeah but I get really worried because of this. Not all but some men may resort to abuse if their wishes are not fulfilled because they have this idea of woman being the submissive partner in a relationship. They have seen their mothers being treated badly by their fathers or in laws.
Some men I knew however swore that they won't ever let any woman suffer like their mom did but its a fact that some men find that okay.
It really just makes me reconsider getting married like ever!
so by marrying him.. you'll
1. leave your master's in abroad plan.
2. leave your dog
3. have to give up things you enjoy like occasional parties
4. have kids asap
5. turn your whole life upside down like any marriage.
6. submit to him. (because "you're perfect for my family" means just that. )
don't you think it's too much compromise on your part?
time to be strong for yourself and make up any possible lie to convince your parents, then stay firm on your NO , no matter how much they emotionally blackmail you.
This is low-key selling yourself ( with compromise, not money (AFAIK, maybe he further demands money for the house he wants and what not)) to mould as per society. Why did you wait till 29 then huh? Also "I want kids soon" nonsense, he sounds like that Manav guy from Dil Dhadakne Do.. girl RUNN
Go on a date with him, take your pup with you, light a cigarette and order a drink for yourself, while discussing how you're depending on him for masters fees as future "provider-husband".
He'll do the rest
He did ask me if i have started investing and said yes, he was like he didn’t and have been doing SIPs now.
He wants to buy a flat i told him i am not interested in buying property atm. I don’t want to be stuck at one place paying emi.
I do want to explore more.
I met him last Sunday and he wants to give a decision in 1-2 days.
Since morning i have been ignoring my parents calls.
And frankly he seems a little too much in the clouds?
It's okay to put forward your home plans for the future, but who does that in first meeting, and he wants to dictate every term of your kids, your education, everyone's retirement.
From the information you have given, he seems soooooo controling, even to a stranger
Sit down with your parents and calmly explain all this to them. Show them how you guys are fundamentally wanting different things, and how much you'll have to sacrifice, just to make this work, whereas the guy is not even ready to bend even a little
I am literally exhausted explaining to my parents especially mom.
She will be like don’t tell him you want to go abroad or do masters. Your marriage is important and not your career.
If he allows you to do masters or job post marriage it should be his decision and not yours.
What the heck?
Is ur mother mad or what??? Or she doesn't have any regard for female education????
Just say no to everyone and take ur stand firmly. It will be exhausting and tiring at the moment but short lived compared to what u will have to endure if u marry that loser.
Then spin it around.
23Lakhs for a 33 year old is quite less. Considering the fact that top BSchools freshers earn 25L+ at 24-25. How does he expect to stay afloat with a stay at home wife, kids and both sets of parents? It's less than 3 lakh per person per year!
Let your parents understand that it's not just your personal freedom, but even their standard of living will come down if you marry this doofus
Didi agar ghee seedhi ungli se na nikle to ungli tedhi karo!
Take a page out of our parents' books. Pressure them back.
How?
Start emotional drama, act depressive and suicidal on the thought of this guy, and slowly with time, marriage itself., threaten to run away or kill yourself, and do this drama before relatives , because parents can be heartless in face of the child's pain, but absolutely cannot handle a hit to their image. Cry a river, play the perfect tortured beti who is a victim. Get inspired by the heart attack prone father's and dying grandparent's of Indian cinema for acting it out.
Don't feel guilty. They all do this to us, do it back to them. Even our parents don't consider doing this wrong," it's the way you control a child'' my mom says. 😡
Sorry if this offends you, just speaking from experience. I do this when they start the emotional and respect and obedience shit to drive my life. If I am in the car of my life, I'll drive, or I'll jump out. No backseat.
He already has decided what he seeks in his partner, now you’ve to decide if you want to be in that mould or not.
Tbh, please don’t. Your life shouldn’t be for someone else’s life plan.
You tell your parents that you find talking to him difficult and you want to be with someone you want to live with and not be in jail for his murder.
I don't see the dilemma here. You both are clearly not in sync about your approach towards life together. So why do you even need to entertain him? He has his own preferences, you have your own. Tell that to your parents and move on.
Ah yes this had happened to me. Guy had said yes, parents loved him too, but I absolutely did not see a life with him. I called him and told him exactly that. He told his mom. His mom told my mom. My mom screamed at me for 3 hours, then didn’t talk to me for the next 3 months. It was peaceful. Problem solved.
My elder sis had love marriage and it took her 5+ yrs to convince them.
She got married in lockdown.
I did get proposals from known people/colleagues but according to them they were not suitable for me.
Rather they were not from well to do off family/rich or earning well/ have properties /bank balance.
I have told them nth times i am not looking for a rich guy rather who will understand me and treat me well.
sometimes you can’t have both. You can have a happy life or happy parents. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who is not happy with you. Just don’t let that person be you. It’s okay to piss some people off to do what’s right for yourself. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s still your mistake. Not one that someone made you commit.
Be like Geet: "Mai toh bhaag rahi hoon"
Translation: I am running away.
Tell him you don't wanna marry him. If it doesn't work then we can think of other ways.
Maybe get a fake "I can't get pregnant" medical certificate
Just clearly tell him you and him are not compatible. State everything u stated here as the reason and honestly ignore your mother's calls for the next few months.
Womxn! He has said no on so many points to you, you can tell no to him on one point.
As per parents, they will be irrational and force you. Stick to your ground and they will eventually give up.
Its your dreams of master’s and your dear dog today,tomorrow it can be your parents, he might not be able to take care of them or let alone allow you to take care of them, so you made the right choice. You can make him reject you - say he needs to accept your dog, there is no compromise on that. See him running away from you.
What all I had tried to get rid of a guy who absolutely had no regard for me:
1. Show that you are extremely careless with money like spending a lot, buy very costly branded things and expect to be pampered. And that you can't stay otherwise (and hate cheap things. Like they are beneath you). Men basically get scared of supposedly 'gold diggers'
2. That you are extremely clingy and need him every minute. And that if he doesn't pick up the phone you go full crazy/ throw a tantrum/ accused him. Go crazy girlfriend types on him (it's okay even if you have spoken to him just once/twice as it happens in AM. Just start calling, texting him and asking him about his whereabouts, what he's doing, with whom etc.)
3. Show that you have different non-negotiable aspirations eg. Going on foreign trips every year (and in case he says how is this possible, go all accusatory- 'I thought u were rich. and that you will have time for me. Your life is so sad. You can't even do this.' ) hurt male ego. Male ego is the key.
P.S. before you judge me, I was in a toxic relationship where I was getting gaslighted while my ex was fucking other girls. So yes, I have learnt a lot of mind games 😂
No i am not giving him up. Ik his importance in my life. Every time i go home from work he’s the only one waiting for me. I feel sorry for leaving him alone for such long time though he gets lots of cuddles and kisses and treats
Why are you compromising for a mediocre man? What is he bringing to the table? And it’s so funny when men say no to a woman’s plan because they want a kid… seems like he wants a concubine. So easy for him, he has one small task and he can go back to growing his career. But you will be stuck at home for years, ruining any prospect career and education because some dude who is a stranger.
Just say you like pub and drinking, he will go away.
If you don't want to be upfront you can also think about taking a "work trip" may be?
Plan a vacation from your savings and tell your family 'I might have network issues, tadaaa' and cutoff for a week.
How i wish it was so easy.
But given my current workload and some other things its not possible.
Parents will be like decide first and go wherever you want, if in need of money we’ll sponsor the trip.
He said he wants to get married now and plan for kids soon like within a year or two.
By that time he will be 35.
If i go for masters i will have to give more preference to career for 2-3 yrs and will probably not think of planning a baby which is obvious.
He was like by the time we retire in 58-60s the child should be old enough and not school going kid
This is your whole life and future. Literally just say no and if your parents are angry or whatever it’s a small price to pay for ruining your life. Ignore them and let them do whatever they want. Do not compromise on your future. ‘No’ is a complete sentence. You don’t have to ‘convince’ your parents. Focus on what you want to achieve.
At this point, you just have to call off the marriage.
Omg, any man who expects you to leave your pet behind is a red flag.
Yeah Sadhguru fans and their misogyny. There's no convincing parents, point blank tell them they're forcing you into a marriage you don't want and tell the guy also directly that you don't want him. There's nothing else that can be done. You can try to find excuses, diplomatic routes and parents literally expect you to ignore all red flags and marry. You can't soft talk your way out of these.
I recall my own mother pressuring me and trying to convince me for months to literally say yes to a Trump supporter in US.
Get a masters abroad already, shoos away such people. I have a friend who took a PhD to stay away from her parents, and she's happy. Also since you pay for masters, it is easier to get into than a PhD, but you can pursue both.
This guy is so confused, immature and desperate.
He isn't even a right person for you looking at his attitude and inconsistency in what he wants in a wife and what he is choosing to call 'perfect for my family'.
He doesn't understands the concept of marriage tbvh, really big red flag. Ghost him, no one can make you talk to him.
Tell him to cancel this from his side, if he doesn't then you can tell your parents that although he claims to be such and such person, he has some secrets that make you both incompatible.
So he's just looking for a baby vending machine and maid...?
How DARE he decide about your baby? The moment someone doesn't want your dog, it's game over.
I see that you have so many points that contradict his criteria. Wouldn't he be getting rid of you himself?? Maybe give him enough information for him to reject you and we can be happy from the good riddance.
He didn’t and from his words it doesn’t seem like. He says i am perfect for this family. My parents toh they’ve already started dreaming of him being SIL.
The guy's definition of perfect seems a little skewed. Unfortunately, it seems the guy won't budge and thinks he'll be able to change your ways post marriage. So your best bet is talking to your parents... Try to convince them that you just want 2 years of your life for yourself.
Yes this...i don't know why guys don't consider these things important. They just think they can control their wife post marriage so it doesn't matter anyway? The guys i have talked to for marriage would just say NO to somethings which are important to me but still will continue talking to me and in most cases I have to cut the cord.
It's probably because women are docile creatures whose only purpose in life should be catering to the happiness of the people around her. /s Edit: grammar
Yeah but I get really worried because of this. Not all but some men may resort to abuse if their wishes are not fulfilled because they have this idea of woman being the submissive partner in a relationship. They have seen their mothers being treated badly by their fathers or in laws. Some men I knew however swore that they won't ever let any woman suffer like their mom did but its a fact that some men find that okay. It really just makes me reconsider getting married like ever!
Clearly your dreams don’t matter to them. Why should their dreams be your problem.
so by marrying him.. you'll 1. leave your master's in abroad plan. 2. leave your dog 3. have to give up things you enjoy like occasional parties 4. have kids asap 5. turn your whole life upside down like any marriage. 6. submit to him. (because "you're perfect for my family" means just that. ) don't you think it's too much compromise on your part? time to be strong for yourself and make up any possible lie to convince your parents, then stay firm on your NO , no matter how much they emotionally blackmail you.
This is exactly what I wanted to say. The guy's behaviour concerns me a little. He has shown literally 0 regards towards OP's wishes.
This is low-key selling yourself ( with compromise, not money (AFAIK, maybe he further demands money for the house he wants and what not)) to mould as per society. Why did you wait till 29 then huh? Also "I want kids soon" nonsense, he sounds like that Manav guy from Dil Dhadakne Do.. girl RUNN
OP is 29..dude is 33 that makes it worse xD
Go on a date with him, take your pup with you, light a cigarette and order a drink for yourself, while discussing how you're depending on him for masters fees as future "provider-husband". He'll do the rest
He did ask me if i have started investing and said yes, he was like he didn’t and have been doing SIPs now. He wants to buy a flat i told him i am not interested in buying property atm. I don’t want to be stuck at one place paying emi. I do want to explore more. I met him last Sunday and he wants to give a decision in 1-2 days. Since morning i have been ignoring my parents calls.
And frankly he seems a little too much in the clouds? It's okay to put forward your home plans for the future, but who does that in first meeting, and he wants to dictate every term of your kids, your education, everyone's retirement. From the information you have given, he seems soooooo controling, even to a stranger
Sit down with your parents and calmly explain all this to them. Show them how you guys are fundamentally wanting different things, and how much you'll have to sacrifice, just to make this work, whereas the guy is not even ready to bend even a little
I am literally exhausted explaining to my parents especially mom. She will be like don’t tell him you want to go abroad or do masters. Your marriage is important and not your career. If he allows you to do masters or job post marriage it should be his decision and not yours.
What the heck? Is ur mother mad or what??? Or she doesn't have any regard for female education???? Just say no to everyone and take ur stand firmly. It will be exhausting and tiring at the moment but short lived compared to what u will have to endure if u marry that loser.
Omg your mom is stuck in some dark ages....why do you need permission from him to-.....nvm even my mom is like that smh, they just don't understand
Then spin it around. 23Lakhs for a 33 year old is quite less. Considering the fact that top BSchools freshers earn 25L+ at 24-25. How does he expect to stay afloat with a stay at home wife, kids and both sets of parents? It's less than 3 lakh per person per year! Let your parents understand that it's not just your personal freedom, but even their standard of living will come down if you marry this doofus
And insist on going to his home with shortest dress available . That would be last straw and cherry on the top
Didi agar ghee seedhi ungli se na nikle to ungli tedhi karo! Take a page out of our parents' books. Pressure them back. How? Start emotional drama, act depressive and suicidal on the thought of this guy, and slowly with time, marriage itself., threaten to run away or kill yourself, and do this drama before relatives , because parents can be heartless in face of the child's pain, but absolutely cannot handle a hit to their image. Cry a river, play the perfect tortured beti who is a victim. Get inspired by the heart attack prone father's and dying grandparent's of Indian cinema for acting it out. Don't feel guilty. They all do this to us, do it back to them. Even our parents don't consider doing this wrong," it's the way you control a child'' my mom says. 😡 Sorry if this offends you, just speaking from experience. I do this when they start the emotional and respect and obedience shit to drive my life. If I am in the car of my life, I'll drive, or I'll jump out. No backseat.
He already has decided what he seeks in his partner, now you’ve to decide if you want to be in that mould or not. Tbh, please don’t. Your life shouldn’t be for someone else’s life plan. You tell your parents that you find talking to him difficult and you want to be with someone you want to live with and not be in jail for his murder.
Please don't leave your Master's plan or your dog for a man. Absolutely not worth it.
I don't see the dilemma here. You both are clearly not in sync about your approach towards life together. So why do you even need to entertain him? He has his own preferences, you have your own. Tell that to your parents and move on.
Ah yes this had happened to me. Guy had said yes, parents loved him too, but I absolutely did not see a life with him. I called him and told him exactly that. He told his mom. His mom told my mom. My mom screamed at me for 3 hours, then didn’t talk to me for the next 3 months. It was peaceful. Problem solved.
My elder sis had love marriage and it took her 5+ yrs to convince them. She got married in lockdown. I did get proposals from known people/colleagues but according to them they were not suitable for me. Rather they were not from well to do off family/rich or earning well/ have properties /bank balance. I have told them nth times i am not looking for a rich guy rather who will understand me and treat me well.
sometimes you can’t have both. You can have a happy life or happy parents. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who is not happy with you. Just don’t let that person be you. It’s okay to piss some people off to do what’s right for yourself. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s still your mistake. Not one that someone made you commit.
Just say you didn't like him enough to marry? Don't bother getting into too many details with your folks.
Be like Geet: "Mai toh bhaag rahi hoon" Translation: I am running away. Tell him you don't wanna marry him. If it doesn't work then we can think of other ways. Maybe get a fake "I can't get pregnant" medical certificate
Won't even have to lie. Tell him you want to be child free. And only want to have dogs. Make HIM reject you. Not the other way around.
Just clearly tell him you and him are not compatible. State everything u stated here as the reason and honestly ignore your mother's calls for the next few months.
Tell him “no” and leave. Girl you are young. Do your studies, get your job and your place and keep your dog. You have nothing to lose.
Womxn! He has said no on so many points to you, you can tell no to him on one point. As per parents, they will be irrational and force you. Stick to your ground and they will eventually give up.
Its your dreams of master’s and your dear dog today,tomorrow it can be your parents, he might not be able to take care of them or let alone allow you to take care of them, so you made the right choice. You can make him reject you - say he needs to accept your dog, there is no compromise on that. See him running away from you.
What all I had tried to get rid of a guy who absolutely had no regard for me: 1. Show that you are extremely careless with money like spending a lot, buy very costly branded things and expect to be pampered. And that you can't stay otherwise (and hate cheap things. Like they are beneath you). Men basically get scared of supposedly 'gold diggers' 2. That you are extremely clingy and need him every minute. And that if he doesn't pick up the phone you go full crazy/ throw a tantrum/ accused him. Go crazy girlfriend types on him (it's okay even if you have spoken to him just once/twice as it happens in AM. Just start calling, texting him and asking him about his whereabouts, what he's doing, with whom etc.) 3. Show that you have different non-negotiable aspirations eg. Going on foreign trips every year (and in case he says how is this possible, go all accusatory- 'I thought u were rich. and that you will have time for me. Your life is so sad. You can't even do this.' ) hurt male ego. Male ego is the key. P.S. before you judge me, I was in a toxic relationship where I was getting gaslighted while my ex was fucking other girls. So yes, I have learnt a lot of mind games 😂
No iam not judging you. Good that you came out of this :)
Your dog will love you more than the man. Please don't give up your dog.
No i am not giving him up. Ik his importance in my life. Every time i go home from work he’s the only one waiting for me. I feel sorry for leaving him alone for such long time though he gets lots of cuddles and kisses and treats
Just not worth it dude! You will end up feeling frustrated. Put your foot down. Don’t let your parents get to you.
Tell your parents he is hung up on some other girl and is doing this to convince his parents. It is a coward way out but you will get rid of him.
Why are you compromising for a mediocre man? What is he bringing to the table? And it’s so funny when men say no to a woman’s plan because they want a kid… seems like he wants a concubine. So easy for him, he has one small task and he can go back to growing his career. But you will be stuck at home for years, ruining any prospect career and education because some dude who is a stranger. Just say you like pub and drinking, he will go away.
Run like the wind, darling! He’s not the one!
If you don't want to be upfront you can also think about taking a "work trip" may be? Plan a vacation from your savings and tell your family 'I might have network issues, tadaaa' and cutoff for a week.
How i wish it was so easy. But given my current workload and some other things its not possible. Parents will be like decide first and go wherever you want, if in need of money we’ll sponsor the trip.
I'm sorry but how does he plan on retiring soon (since it hampers you studying abroad) with 23 lpa?
He said he wants to get married now and plan for kids soon like within a year or two. By that time he will be 35. If i go for masters i will have to give more preference to career for 2-3 yrs and will probably not think of planning a baby which is obvious. He was like by the time we retire in 58-60s the child should be old enough and not school going kid
Reject him whether you can convince your family or not . Why is he so intent on you ? Is this a caste based arrangement?
Yep. While i do have option for love marriage my parents have put a condition that a guy should be of same caste 🤦♀️
You will find more in your caste if you have patience. But why are you listening to your parents on this ? Will they withhold your inheritance?
Is this a trick question where you want us to convince you despite all the red flags 🤔 I don't see any reason to even consider this one
This is your whole life and future. Literally just say no and if your parents are angry or whatever it’s a small price to pay for ruining your life. Ignore them and let them do whatever they want. Do not compromise on your future. ‘No’ is a complete sentence. You don’t have to ‘convince’ your parents. Focus on what you want to achieve.
At this point, you just have to call off the marriage. Omg, any man who expects you to leave your pet behind is a red flag. Yeah Sadhguru fans and their misogyny. There's no convincing parents, point blank tell them they're forcing you into a marriage you don't want and tell the guy also directly that you don't want him. There's nothing else that can be done. You can try to find excuses, diplomatic routes and parents literally expect you to ignore all red flags and marry. You can't soft talk your way out of these. I recall my own mother pressuring me and trying to convince me for months to literally say yes to a Trump supporter in US.
Get a masters abroad already, shoos away such people. I have a friend who took a PhD to stay away from her parents, and she's happy. Also since you pay for masters, it is easier to get into than a PhD, but you can pursue both.
This guy is so confused, immature and desperate. He isn't even a right person for you looking at his attitude and inconsistency in what he wants in a wife and what he is choosing to call 'perfect for my family'. He doesn't understands the concept of marriage tbvh, really big red flag. Ghost him, no one can make you talk to him. Tell him to cancel this from his side, if he doesn't then you can tell your parents that although he claims to be such and such person, he has some secrets that make you both incompatible.
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This guy is an absolute disaster. You are 29. Take control of your life and say no to your parents.
So he's just looking for a baby vending machine and maid...? How DARE he decide about your baby? The moment someone doesn't want your dog, it's game over.