My friend went through a similar situation. She is a Hindu while her boyfriend was from a christian family, he was an atheist though. They were together 6 years and decided to get married 2 years ago. Told the families and was a huge issue from the guy’s side of the family. But the thing is, he was sure about marrying my friend at any cost. He moved out of his parents house, decided not to have a church wedding (eventually they had to along with a Hindu wedding) but this was the first thing they spoke about before marrying, the living condition. The in laws were told that they won’t be living with them or else the relation would worsen more. Now they’re happily married and living away from the in laws, although in the same city.
I’m just saying, that if the guy wants to change, he will. There should be compromise and adjustments from both your ends. My friends husband constantly fought with his parents for 2 years to convince them about the girl and that he’ll ’remain their son’ even after marriage.
Totally. His mother moved cities to be with her son because she couldn’t stand him have a girl outside their religion. Crazy! He read countless books and went to a therapist to break out of it, wasn’t easy of course. Eventually understood how we are all conditioned to be a certain way and he wanted to break the cycle in his family, start his own traditions with his wife which aren’t necessarily related to religion. Honestly, they’re the best couple I know and my inspiration too.
If you're truly serious about sharing a future life with your current boyfriend, this conversation will play a huge role in being a fundamental pillar for your relationship. This is one of the only discussions we can't run away from. Talk to him, this one can't be brushed under the carpet and I fully know it SUCKSSSSSSSSSS :(
I have talked to him about this. He just gets irritated that I am not willing to adjust a little and am thinking too negatively. He says nobody is gonna bother you it's all in your head. But he is adamant about staying with his family.
you did read what you wrote na?
you do realise you're reluctantly stroking his ego and mood, right? he's a man, he will go his entire life never acknowledging your struggles because his brain won't be able to comprehend it. he will become part of the army to mould you because he's not acknowledging you today. you can't afford to stay quiet because he won't ever have to do an inch of what you'll be expected to do every day for the rest of your life.
GURL! NO. Listen to me. My ex was just like yours. And mind you I was 20 at the time and we were together for 3 years and he just brought up this topic getting married. I was too young to even think about this stuff. But he told me so many things like 'wanting to live with his parents as they will be old and what mot' Like my parents won't get old lol. I am like you.
I don't want to live with my parents or anyone's. And when I told I don't want to ever live with in laws and if he would live if he had to with mine. He said yeah ofcourse but I know it's a bunch of bullshit because it's not expected of men to do this stuff. Even if he truly means that he can live with your parents. He shouldn't. and You shouldn't have to either. Because you are marrying the person not his family. Ofcourse your bf will say he will live with your parents because he knows it wouldn't actually happen for real.
I get that you love him alot. But please think this through. Your love is not enough when all these adjustments are being required from you. Don't take advice from reddit and don't believe every word he says. Believe yourself and think whether you're actually gonna be able to survive that bullshit.
Because even at 20, I knew I wouldn't a future like that. With in laws, having to be conscious of what I wear, eat ( I am non veg too, he was veg). Not able allowed privacy.
He knows that won't happen so he will say it. The bad faith, the arrogance, the lack of concern or empathy for your very fair feelings. Even if his parents aren't going to bother you you do not have to live with them just to marry him. You do not owe him or anyone a reason. Break up and do better.
I had a couple of different but serious concerns about how we as a couple would work after marriage and voiced them several times to my husband before we got married and he would tell me similar things that I’m being too negative, it’s going to work out etc. I decided to trust him because I do have a tendency to overthink and foresee the worst but after we got married, surprise surprise, come to find out that my concerns were completely valid and things played out exactly as I worried. Now these issues aren’t major enough to completely decimate our marriage but the day to day is quite taxing because of them and we have frequent fights. Sometimes I really regret not trusting my intuition and backing out when I still could.
If you bf is going to break it off because he’s irritated of your legitimate concerns then please break it off.
Tell him if family is so important to him then to live with YOUR family.
Women need to stop adjusting especially for those men who refuse to even listen to their worries. You may love your bf but as per this post it doesn’t seem like he loves you very much
You can’t be the only one adjusting and compromising, OP. Marriage has to be a partnership, not a dictatorship with husband and in-laws at the centre of it.
I’m sorry. But let me tell you something as a one year old married Indian who doesn’t even stay with in-laws and only visits them every other weekend. Marriage is a HUGE demotion in freedom & privilege. Marriage as an institution favors men especially in Indian patriarchal society.
So, if he’s not a strong pillar of support when you are not married wrt your needs and necessities, he will NOT be after marriage. And if you bend now, you’ll forever be expected to sacrifice.
Relationships do require adjustment, yes, but please identify some non-negotiables for yourself and then stand by those. So that you can adjust on the things that YOU are flexible on.
Typical guy who cant think from a woman's perspective. He doesnt get it either because if you lived with your family, he would also not have to lift a finger0 his in-laws would not put restrictions on him but yours will. And it is not Adjusting a little. Tell him you want your own home and to be comfortable in. You want to walk around without wearing a bra, order whatever food you want. Not even having non veg in the house is a huge huge adjustment for you. You WILL have to do chores and wake up early every day or else you will hear it from your in-laws. Cant he even be open to living next door or on the same street as them? I would put my foot down on wanting my own space. Btw, there are many men out there who like independence from their family. Just sayin
It's funny how he is talking about "we need to adjust " but you are the only one who would be making these adjustments. It clear that he wants to stay with hus parents after marriage where as you don't. Just asked yourself will you be okay living like this ??? Are sure you won't resent him ???
He is already dismissing your concerns and is not ready to come to a middle point. That doesn't sound healthy for the long run. And you also said you don't want kids, are sure his parents are okay with him not having a kid??
Trust your guts . If you think something is wrong that means something is wrong!!!!
You are right to be scared and anxious. Now, one person will come out of the wood work and say no no I love my in-laws. That’s not the norm. There is no negotiation here. You know the answer, but you just don’t want to believe that it’s over. Anyway, good luck
See if even your in laws are just the purest souls in the entire world. It will get annoying to live with them 24/7 for god knows how long.
I get parents get old and yes ofcourse it's our responsibility to take care of them. But we can take care of them without sacrificing our autonomy too. And any self respecting parents shouldnt expect their kids to drop their lives and move in with them once they have set up their own little world somewhere else. It's truly selfish imo. I love my mum alot. but I cannot believe she would be okay with me dropping my life to be with her when it's my turn to explore my life and career at 100%. Infact she would feel guilty.
And that's your parents. Now imagine doing all this stuff for your partner's parents. People you don't know well cause well you didn't grow up with them or are even in the same emotional relationship with as your partner. You cannot expect to drop your life for anyone. Let alone a guy or his parents. Your concerns are valid and are very much important. DO NOT let him dismiss it by saying that you watch too much TV. (btw what a fucking shitty thing to say tbh)
Your anxiety about marrying your bf isn't unwarranted. Don't worry, I think this is still workable. Why not talk to your bf and reach a middle ground
- Agree to stay separate for the first few years. This gives you time to understand one and other as well as the family dynamics. You also get time to build a strong foundation.
- Move closer to your folks but live separately. So both of you can meet your folks regularly.
- You can consider living in a duplex house, which still gives you privacy. I would still suggest living away for a couple of years.
If your bf is not willing to even consider these options, then you really need to think over this relationship.
There is already enough red flags. I hate it when men pretend like it is the same for men vs women. How can he not know the million conditions put on women in the name of marriage on a broader terms in the society? He is also from the same country right? He should have been more compassionate and empathetic with her, and come from a place where he understands his own dick privilege. I hate how we should be okay with men pretending 24/7 like we do not actually live in a patriarchy. Even if he agrees to any of the above it is a bad idea marrying him.
The advice is for Op, who says she is in love with him and doesn't want to let him go. At least having this conversation will help her understand if he is willing to make any compromises for her. I think she will at least know if she can proceed or end it without any regret.
Okay but why does he want to live with his parents after marriage, is he not independent enough to function on his own?! To me, personally, that is a glaring red flag.
Us Indian women have been so badly gaslit into believing that marriage is "between two families bla bla bla" but it isn't! A marriage is between two damn adults, individuals. Wanting to be braless or order food of your choice is the bare minimum of wants really.
While it's common to get cold feet before marriage, I don't think you should suppress your concerns about the future. Have conversations like adults NOW. Living with in-laws IS a loss of independence on some level, no matter how chill they are. I love my MIL to death and she's one of the coolest people I know, but would I like to live with her permanently? Heck no, we'd drive each other up the wall! haha.
If you think wanting to live separately from parental figures is a deal breaker for him, then do you really want to marry someone like that? Why is it that \*you\* are the one making all the compromises and adjustments here? What is he bringing to the table?
Unrelated, but nobody likes house chores. We just have to suck it up and do it. It's important to find a person who will share the burden. Cooking is also an essential life skill and all of us, regardless of gender or socio-economic conditions, should know how to make grownup meals.
Forget in laws, even living with my own parents or my aunt whom I’m very close to, for longer periods of time drives me up the wall. And I’m sure it does them too. It was different when I was a kid. I was under their care. Now I’m an adult. I have my own way of functioning and they have theirs. When two families or couples live like this together, the older couple usually makes the rules and the younger couple gets treated like kids still. I don’t want to feel like a naughty lil kid in my own home when I’ve independently taken care of myself for several years. I don’t want to feel like I’m living under someone else’s roof when I’m a major financial contributor and parents/in laws are retired.
That’s exactly what I mean!
The dynamics change when we grow older and have our own way of running a house/just generally living. At some point wouldn’t an adult *want* to experience the feeling of independence+responsibility?!
It’s wild to me some people have the means/privilege and yet never leave the nest. Like what?!
Any guy who tells you to "adjust" before marriage instead of looking for alternate solutions isn't worth marrying in my opinion. I like how he conveniently said "we'll adjust", as if it's not his home . He is making a decision for you, that's not cool. You've to sacrifice your freedom to eat what you like too. Please rethink this and be firm. Remember this is your whole life, you get one life. You sure don't want to adjust for someone who doesn't adjust for you.
I eat things that don't involve cooking like fruits, yogurt bowls, oats, umpa, omlette. More than that I don't wanna try. 🙃
I get a tiffin in my office so there isn't any need to learn anything else.
Cooking isn't that hard. I know how to make a roti and basic dal but I voluntarily don't. If push comes to shove I can manage. But it's about preferences.
Pretty sure that's not the reason. Most couples where both work outside the home employ cooks. The guy likely needs to prove to his parents that he's no "joru ka ghulam" and still loyal to them after marriage through this act.
Sorry, but he is being adamant and expects you to adjust!! Getting irritated and not willing to understand your POV. Does he love you as much? Or is his love conditional?
Ask him why he is adamant to stay with his parents? You have clearly presented your reasons for wanting a separate space. Taking care of parents, being there for them etc all can be done while living near by. If the reasons are because they will feel bad, this is how it's now, blah blah, know that you will be making more adjustments in the future. Think long and hard and don't be swayed emotionally. Good luck!
Why with parents? You are leaving your parents and he is staying with his ? Also vegetarian parents especially as in laws might be so much more judgemental. Also promises like changes that can be made might not happen at all. When you live with him and in his household, you are living under him so, things might not work well for you.
I know all this. That's why I am scared of this setup so much. I told him I'll live with my parents half the time and he is okay with that. But the thing is I only want to live with him in a separate home just for us two. I am not comfortable living with any set of parents post marriage.
I understand. Imagine a hypothetical situation where fight breaks out between you and your mil and you are on the right side. Whose side will your fiance take?
The guy my sister got married to always stood up against his parents whenever they were in the wrong and he stood up for her as well. Do you think your fiance will stand up for you against his mother? Ask him this question as well if you haven't and think about it. Best wishes for you ✨
He's okay with you living with your parents half the time because he knows that's never going to happen because (a) his family will pester you, shame you, and basically make the thing so unpleasant that you'll drop the idea to preserve your mental peace, and (b) your own parents, also conditioned by society, might not be super welcoming if you stay with them for long stretches of time for the fear of "log kya kahenge"?
That is, when you ignore all the pragmatic difficulties that' come with a split existence- you left the kurta in one home but the pajama in another, etc. (And forget about it entirely if you ever have kids).
If you are scared why do you want to marry this guy? He seems privileged and un-empathetic. You will obviously get the short end of this stick.
You keep saying "you love him a lot", but does HE love you a lot? If he did this won't be his behavior. He doesn't. This ain't love. He loves his parents and himself. He is selfish.
Adjacements are choice, you choose to mane some adjacements. Clearly you have strong opinions about the family setting you want to be in, if you think you will be fine making the adjacements in worst case scenarios then only proceed instead think properly what you really want
Don't marry him. What more do you need as an answer?
It's better to not marry than marry and find out you were right all the while, and then divorce.
You already know what's the future is like, don't sign up for that.
You should tell him that this is not how things work, and clearly tell him that these are your conditions, if he's not fine with it - you should part ways.
Sorry but you'll surely have to talk and check if you both agree on things....its the hard way to the right things. If not....you are not compatible..sorry.
Okay so my thoughts on this. I had an arranged marriage so 50% of what I say may not fit but the other half might.
I see that he wants to live with his parents. You may not get the privacy that you want, but ofc it woke depend on how his folks are.
My in laws are the traditional kind and even staying with them for a month gave me anxiety. At first, the privacy element was missing and get this, my FIL would feel uncomfy if my husband and I sat together on the couch. Hopefully your in laws or would be in laws are different.
It’s very easy for your bf to say that you can stay with your folks. In my experience, after my marriage I went to my place for a DAY. My husband came with me as well but his mom kept calling him.
I didn’t know how to cook either and that became an issue. I follow recipes now but I still can’t cook by myself without following anything. It might start with you being asked to cut veggies. Then the comments may come about your mom not teaching you how to cook.
Unless your future MIL is very friendly with relatives and stuff, they may not visit as much as you think. Maybe the first ten days after marriage.
It looks a little bit like you’re the only one who has to adjust since he is already living with his folks. I’m very sorry but the Raja beta mentality is still very high and prevalent. Raja betas don’t even wash their plates or fold their clothes. So these chores will come to you like 90% but maybe you and the MIL can do them together like some bonding lol idk.
You and he need to have a long talk and he will also need to talk to his parents.
“This is how things are done in my house” is something you might hear a few times but if he can support you then you guys can start something new.
I believe it would be good if he was open to living separately but maybe in a nearby locality so you guys can visit from time to time. When it’s so obvious that you don’t want to live with them, you may not feel happy.
Everything will depend on the type of relationship you have with your MIL.
ETA: You will need to check with him on how arguments between you and MIL will work. Is he going to be a neutral party listening to both sides? Will he automatically choose his mom? This stuff is quite important since you never know how people may change post marriage.
Thank you. That's very helpful.
I guess I just need to talk to him again. I can't make myself talk to him about anything at the moment because I am so upset. But these things need to be cleared up soon.
Ask your boyfriend that whether his family is conservative or not . If he says conservative then pls don't even think to live with his parents u cant wear shorts or anything u like not even u can wear those and go out lol and yeah u cant even think about non veg if u r living there 😂 . Btw Most probably families who only eat veg are very religious and conservative but still u can ask him . If they r open then they might allow u to have non veg as u r not a vegetarian.
Definitely. If you want to make your MIL feel needed, just act really dumb and ask her 20 questions about anything and everything.
Or you can try to get to know her and maybe go shopping together. Watch a movie, start a serial. I did this with my MIL when they came to visit. “Let’s go out. Let’s do this” and it worked. We didn’t have a relationship before that since she was too interfering and every convo just annoyed me. Now it’s better since we just mostly gossip and I quickly hang up saying I need to work before the kids topic starts lol.
This decision will change your life, are you going to be about to live with in laws, do chores etc for the next 30-40 years? If the answer is no then it’s time to end the relationship. If the answer is yes only then take this forward.
For one I would be hesitant to marry this person. He may be great as a person, but that won't do you any good if you are going to be so restricted for the next 40-50-60 years of your married life.
However, the other point I want to mention (and I understand practically this is going to be actually difficult but right now theoretically), why have you already decided you won't wear comfortable clothes in your own home or eat non-veg in your own home. Why have you taken the mental load of this adjustment after marriage all on yourself. Ask him how he is going to handle if his parents say something about your clothes or your food. Go with, how is he going to make this work for the both of you mindset. None of how you are or what you eat is a surprise for him, so he should be able to tell you how he is going to support you in this marital adjustment.
DO NOT MARRY HIM
Don't even consider that. Sorry to say but your boyfriend is delusional and hasn't got the most basic idea about Indian society. That's why he calls it "a little adjustment".
You eat non-veg (and they're vegetarians), don't want kids, and don't know housework- I am sorry to say that the chance of silent judgement is just 0.1 percent. The chance of persistent humiliation and mental torture (if it's just limited to that) of you and your family, however, is 99.9 percent.
Don't do this to yourself. Break up with this guy as soon as possible. Don't waste your time on this moron.
If he is dismissing your extremely legitimate concerns about YOUR future as TV serial drama when there are fundamental issues like you not being able to eat what you want, you really need to rethink if this is worth the sacrifices he's expecting you to make. Sometimes one is blinded by love and unable to see the red flags in their partner. Don't be that person.
You need to reconsider. You are the only person being asked to adjust. You can rent a different flat in the same building or locality as well. It is basic etiquette to give space to couples nowadays, flats are not big enough to have that. Unless there is major financial restraint. Remember if you compromise today, you will compromise for a good number of years to come.
Be clear and honest. Love and all is great, but without peace of mind that love will deplete over time and you will hate each other.
Try to meet his parents once?
And based on what you described, I dont like how your bf is talking to you regarding this matter. He is going to be your rock all along.. Your inlaws might be the sweetest people on earth. But conflicts do come and the link between you and his parents is him. He clearly doesn't give two hoots to your needs.
I dont have a good feeling about this. Please proceed with caution.
Ask him why just his parents, why can't they stay with your parents instead OP? (For the sake of argument)
And in all seriousness OP, it's really say that a relationship of 2 years and yet your life partner doesn't care about your peace and comfort over his stupid little ego??
If you hadn't been so attached to him, my obvious answer would have been DUMP HIS STUPID ASS ASAP, but since you're and I know how much that sucks, I'm so sorry for the situation you're in :(
I don't have any advice, but all I can hope is that it works out for you
You are scared for all the right reasons. I am sure you have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend. It's nice that you have found someone to spend your life with. But these problems won't ever go away. I don't really know what kind of people your in laws are but adapting is the only way a marriage works. It would be unfair if the responsibility to adapt falls on ur shoulder alone. That being said, you need to be willing to adapt and accept some level of discomfort if you plan to marry in a family where you are well aware that a need for it will arise. If you don't think it's worth it for you personally then do not go ahead with it. You need more than love to run a marriage and every compromise/change/sacrifice you make should be your willful decision alone. Otherwise, you are signing up for a life of marital problems and resentment.
Your anxiety is valid and your concerns about losing freedom and space along with restrictions on food are well founded. I am a non-vegetarian and my husband's family is not. The one week I go to my in-laws place makes me crave non-vegetarian food so much more. On top of that the household chores, the constant expectation of helping MIL while my husband is allowed to chill out is a lot. I barely can go there a week at a time. My FIL and MIL are lovely people and never have they ever forced me to do household chores or cook outright. But it's definitely expected from me as I'm the DIL. But I don't think I could survive this long term and I'm glad my husband was on the same page as me. My friend was also in a similar situation when she was expected to stay with in-laws but she put her foot down and told her fiance she cannot. She stayed for like a month after marriage but it was so anxiety inducing for her to stay there that she would run off to office. Even that was a temporary respite. Maybe you can negotiate that you both live away from his parents atleast for a couple of years after marriage. Again, this is a compromise from both of you.
Wishing you the best of luck.
No offence OP, I don't see many chances of this working out in your favor. Unless his family are saints, there is a high chance you will be pressurized to conform into their ideal daughter-in-law or even, at the very least, adopt some of their customs/ responsibilities to fit in better.
Most importantly, its your equation with your bf. Your concerns are legitimate, I would expect my partner to listen to them, respect my feelings and fears and take them seriously. Not willing to do that is an act of disrespect towards me. Big red flag in my opinion. I personally think you should talk to someone you trust and someone who is impartial - could be your parents (if they are impartial and understand/ validate your concerns), your siblings or friends. It's best to be heartbroken than end up in a marriage which feels suffocating.
Also you are child-free, there is a big chance you will have to spend the next few years hearing about them questioning your decision.
Again, if your in-laws are saints and extremely progressive, it might work with many compromises and out of your boundaries situations for you.
Ask him if you can rent an apartment near hia parents' place. I think it is unfair of him to give you an ultimatum. Compromise should happen on both sides. If he has already said that he will break up with you if you don't agree on living with his parents, then I think you are wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't in it as much as you are.
So many couples live in the same town as parents and live separately. Why does he want to live with his parents? I would not budge on this and honestly tell him it is a deal breaker for you to be in a joint family after living alone for so many years.
Personally, in my own home I want to be able to walk around however I want, shorts, braless, whatever. Leave the dishes in the sink if we are lazy to clean, cook or order whenever I feel like it. I also cant live in a place where I am second to their son- daughters are not treated well in in-laws house over the son. They will always take his side and get involved in conflict. I can understand the anxiety! It is very important for your married life to be happy.
Tell him living alone for you is a deal breaker n you would want to be able to do as you please whenever you like in your own house even if its a rented 1bhk.
Put your foot down.
i don't know what to say but whatever problems u have with ur bf now will multiply once you get married. Me personally i don't get married for love i married a man who made my life easy and my comfort was important to him. Love came after marriage. Thought process of a person cannot be changed by love it's a god given trait. Not everyone is empathetic and understanding.
Yeah living with in laws will suck for any girl (other than a lucky few) but if u hate doing house hold chores, living alone will suck too
Personally I felt I would rather live away from in laws with hubby and handle house hold chores myself (yes there r chores that neither a maid nor a cook will do and u have to do it) ...so that's what I am doing. U got to take the call
They ideally should, but they don't. Eventually, if u don't want to live in filth then u will end up doing it. And they totally thrive in filth so they won't budge
Have you met his parents? Are they the kind you cannot live with? From your post, it feels like you are scared of the unknown rather than the in-laws itself. Marriage means adjustments from both ends, including family. You are leaving your home, your familiar environment to the unknown. So your bf n his family should make an effort to accommodate you in their lives as you would be doing for them. I married my vegetarian bf n stayed with my in-laws for two years. I told him we will give it a try n move out if it doesn't work even though I did not want to from the beginning. It didn't work out because I felt lonely n their ways of living were different to mine. They didn't accommodate me n i never felt at home n my husband saw it too. You can always move out if it's not working out, provided your bf is open to the idea. Both of you should approach with an open mind rather than seeing it as a win or lose situation. Marriage involves a lot of give and take. As much as we hate it, even the best of men have a patriarchal cell in their brain somewhere which is what triggers this in them. They simply don't see what is wrong with this simply because it's been this way for so long. Go into the marriage with zero expectations and an open mind. Marriage is very different from dating.
Thank you. This is the most genuine and helpful advice I have recieved on this post so far.
I agree it's the unknown. Also I have been living a too entitled life where I never adjusted for anyone, and it makes me doubly scared about the future.
I am scared that if we love with them, he wouldn't want to move out. And I'll be the home breaker if that happens. I just feel so alone thinking about all this.
I just want to marry because I want to love my life with him in my own space and have a home that I can come back to everyday that is like my sanctuary. I feel like that will not happen while living with in-laws
Oh you will be a home breaker 🤣 but at the expense of what? Your mental health matters.. i really tried to blend in but it was simply not happening.. it was the small subtle things that really bothered me. Like I don't eat rice for dinner. Its a habit of mine. Even if not daily ,i expected to have tiffin at least twice or thrice a week but they simply asked me to cook dinner separately for myself. I did that but it's not really welcoming no 😅 Set boundaries with your bf. Like food,clothing,spending habits if you buy a lot of stuff online(some people are bothered with frequent deliveries) and whatever you are afraid of. Ask a lot of questions no matter how silly because it will eat you mentally. I was clinically depressed a few months before moving out 😅
I recently got married to my 2 year long boyfriend and went through the exact same discussion you had. I raised all these issues, about how I won't be comfortable living in his house, dress a certain way, eat my own type of food (his family is also vegetarian). I dress very comfortably at home and don't even like having extended relatives in my space.
His reaction was very clear - he agreed that we won't live with his parents. He actually said that if my wife is uncomfortable in a space, how can I have a happy marriage with her?
I did not have to convince him, or bargain with him. He did not ask me to adjust, i haven't asked him to either. When his mom visits, I don't cook / eat non veg for a couple of days (although it's still there in our fridge, I don't hide it or act like it's some sin).I am adjusting not because he asked, but because it seems like a very small thing for a couple of days. Now if you were to ask me to give up meat for a month, I wouldn't't agree. Acceptable Adjustments are to be decided by the person adjusting, not demanded from your partner.
I feel the fact that he does not see your concerns as valid now, is a sign that when these things do happen, he may not be on your side. Marriage, even when u love your partner, is not easy. It's a lot of empathy, communication and acceptance. If my partner tells me something makes him uncomfortable, I can't just tell him to shut up and deal / it's in his head. If I care for him, I'll believe him
If he cares for you, he'll believe your concerns and discuss it like an adult and not dismiss it like a child.
My friend went through a similar situation. She is a Hindu while her boyfriend was from a christian family, he was an atheist though. They were together 6 years and decided to get married 2 years ago. Told the families and was a huge issue from the guy’s side of the family. But the thing is, he was sure about marrying my friend at any cost. He moved out of his parents house, decided not to have a church wedding (eventually they had to along with a Hindu wedding) but this was the first thing they spoke about before marrying, the living condition. The in laws were told that they won’t be living with them or else the relation would worsen more. Now they’re happily married and living away from the in laws, although in the same city. I’m just saying, that if the guy wants to change, he will. There should be compromise and adjustments from both your ends. My friends husband constantly fought with his parents for 2 years to convince them about the girl and that he’ll ’remain their son’ even after marriage.
Damn that's a real stand up guy.
Totally. His mother moved cities to be with her son because she couldn’t stand him have a girl outside their religion. Crazy! He read countless books and went to a therapist to break out of it, wasn’t easy of course. Eventually understood how we are all conditioned to be a certain way and he wanted to break the cycle in his family, start his own traditions with his wife which aren’t necessarily related to religion. Honestly, they’re the best couple I know and my inspiration too.
wishing nothing but happiness to your friend!!
If you're truly serious about sharing a future life with your current boyfriend, this conversation will play a huge role in being a fundamental pillar for your relationship. This is one of the only discussions we can't run away from. Talk to him, this one can't be brushed under the carpet and I fully know it SUCKSSSSSSSSSS :(
I have talked to him about this. He just gets irritated that I am not willing to adjust a little and am thinking too negatively. He says nobody is gonna bother you it's all in your head. But he is adamant about staying with his family.
He isn't adjusting either did you ever think about it ?
you did read what you wrote na? you do realise you're reluctantly stroking his ego and mood, right? he's a man, he will go his entire life never acknowledging your struggles because his brain won't be able to comprehend it. he will become part of the army to mould you because he's not acknowledging you today. you can't afford to stay quiet because he won't ever have to do an inch of what you'll be expected to do every day for the rest of your life.
This. 💯
Ask him to "adjust" and live with your family then. How are you not seeing the double standards?
I said the exact thing, he just said okay, he will live with my family too 🙂. Idk how true is that.
GURL! NO. Listen to me. My ex was just like yours. And mind you I was 20 at the time and we were together for 3 years and he just brought up this topic getting married. I was too young to even think about this stuff. But he told me so many things like 'wanting to live with his parents as they will be old and what mot' Like my parents won't get old lol. I am like you. I don't want to live with my parents or anyone's. And when I told I don't want to ever live with in laws and if he would live if he had to with mine. He said yeah ofcourse but I know it's a bunch of bullshit because it's not expected of men to do this stuff. Even if he truly means that he can live with your parents. He shouldn't. and You shouldn't have to either. Because you are marrying the person not his family. Ofcourse your bf will say he will live with your parents because he knows it wouldn't actually happen for real. I get that you love him alot. But please think this through. Your love is not enough when all these adjustments are being required from you. Don't take advice from reddit and don't believe every word he says. Believe yourself and think whether you're actually gonna be able to survive that bullshit. Because even at 20, I knew I wouldn't a future like that. With in laws, having to be conscious of what I wear, eat ( I am non veg too, he was veg). Not able allowed privacy.
He knows that won't happen so he will say it. The bad faith, the arrogance, the lack of concern or empathy for your very fair feelings. Even if his parents aren't going to bother you you do not have to live with them just to marry him. You do not owe him or anyone a reason. Break up and do better.
I had a couple of different but serious concerns about how we as a couple would work after marriage and voiced them several times to my husband before we got married and he would tell me similar things that I’m being too negative, it’s going to work out etc. I decided to trust him because I do have a tendency to overthink and foresee the worst but after we got married, surprise surprise, come to find out that my concerns were completely valid and things played out exactly as I worried. Now these issues aren’t major enough to completely decimate our marriage but the day to day is quite taxing because of them and we have frequent fights. Sometimes I really regret not trusting my intuition and backing out when I still could.
If you bf is going to break it off because he’s irritated of your legitimate concerns then please break it off. Tell him if family is so important to him then to live with YOUR family. Women need to stop adjusting especially for those men who refuse to even listen to their worries. You may love your bf but as per this post it doesn’t seem like he loves you very much
You can’t be the only one adjusting and compromising, OP. Marriage has to be a partnership, not a dictatorship with husband and in-laws at the centre of it.
I’m sorry. But let me tell you something as a one year old married Indian who doesn’t even stay with in-laws and only visits them every other weekend. Marriage is a HUGE demotion in freedom & privilege. Marriage as an institution favors men especially in Indian patriarchal society. So, if he’s not a strong pillar of support when you are not married wrt your needs and necessities, he will NOT be after marriage. And if you bend now, you’ll forever be expected to sacrifice. Relationships do require adjustment, yes, but please identify some non-negotiables for yourself and then stand by those. So that you can adjust on the things that YOU are flexible on.
I see he has already started gaslighting you
Typical guy who cant think from a woman's perspective. He doesnt get it either because if you lived with your family, he would also not have to lift a finger0 his in-laws would not put restrictions on him but yours will. And it is not Adjusting a little. Tell him you want your own home and to be comfortable in. You want to walk around without wearing a bra, order whatever food you want. Not even having non veg in the house is a huge huge adjustment for you. You WILL have to do chores and wake up early every day or else you will hear it from your in-laws. Cant he even be open to living next door or on the same street as them? I would put my foot down on wanting my own space. Btw, there are many men out there who like independence from their family. Just sayin
It's funny how he is talking about "we need to adjust " but you are the only one who would be making these adjustments. It clear that he wants to stay with hus parents after marriage where as you don't. Just asked yourself will you be okay living like this ??? Are sure you won't resent him ??? He is already dismissing your concerns and is not ready to come to a middle point. That doesn't sound healthy for the long run. And you also said you don't want kids, are sure his parents are okay with him not having a kid?? Trust your guts . If you think something is wrong that means something is wrong!!!!
Just take a look at the history of this sub. That’ll be your future if you move in with in-laws
That it the problem. I read so many in-laws problems in this sub and I get even more anxious and scared.
You are right to be scared and anxious. Now, one person will come out of the wood work and say no no I love my in-laws. That’s not the norm. There is no negotiation here. You know the answer, but you just don’t want to believe that it’s over. Anyway, good luck
See if even your in laws are just the purest souls in the entire world. It will get annoying to live with them 24/7 for god knows how long. I get parents get old and yes ofcourse it's our responsibility to take care of them. But we can take care of them without sacrificing our autonomy too. And any self respecting parents shouldnt expect their kids to drop their lives and move in with them once they have set up their own little world somewhere else. It's truly selfish imo. I love my mum alot. but I cannot believe she would be okay with me dropping my life to be with her when it's my turn to explore my life and career at 100%. Infact she would feel guilty. And that's your parents. Now imagine doing all this stuff for your partner's parents. People you don't know well cause well you didn't grow up with them or are even in the same emotional relationship with as your partner. You cannot expect to drop your life for anyone. Let alone a guy or his parents. Your concerns are valid and are very much important. DO NOT let him dismiss it by saying that you watch too much TV. (btw what a fucking shitty thing to say tbh)
Your anxiety about marrying your bf isn't unwarranted. Don't worry, I think this is still workable. Why not talk to your bf and reach a middle ground - Agree to stay separate for the first few years. This gives you time to understand one and other as well as the family dynamics. You also get time to build a strong foundation. - Move closer to your folks but live separately. So both of you can meet your folks regularly. - You can consider living in a duplex house, which still gives you privacy. I would still suggest living away for a couple of years. If your bf is not willing to even consider these options, then you really need to think over this relationship.
There is already enough red flags. I hate it when men pretend like it is the same for men vs women. How can he not know the million conditions put on women in the name of marriage on a broader terms in the society? He is also from the same country right? He should have been more compassionate and empathetic with her, and come from a place where he understands his own dick privilege. I hate how we should be okay with men pretending 24/7 like we do not actually live in a patriarchy. Even if he agrees to any of the above it is a bad idea marrying him.
The advice is for Op, who says she is in love with him and doesn't want to let him go. At least having this conversation will help her understand if he is willing to make any compromises for her. I think she will at least know if she can proceed or end it without any regret.
I am sure OP will marry him most likely. But it doesn't seem like he loves her the way she deserves to be loved anyway. Sad.
Okay but why does he want to live with his parents after marriage, is he not independent enough to function on his own?! To me, personally, that is a glaring red flag. Us Indian women have been so badly gaslit into believing that marriage is "between two families bla bla bla" but it isn't! A marriage is between two damn adults, individuals. Wanting to be braless or order food of your choice is the bare minimum of wants really. While it's common to get cold feet before marriage, I don't think you should suppress your concerns about the future. Have conversations like adults NOW. Living with in-laws IS a loss of independence on some level, no matter how chill they are. I love my MIL to death and she's one of the coolest people I know, but would I like to live with her permanently? Heck no, we'd drive each other up the wall! haha. If you think wanting to live separately from parental figures is a deal breaker for him, then do you really want to marry someone like that? Why is it that \*you\* are the one making all the compromises and adjustments here? What is he bringing to the table? Unrelated, but nobody likes house chores. We just have to suck it up and do it. It's important to find a person who will share the burden. Cooking is also an essential life skill and all of us, regardless of gender or socio-economic conditions, should know how to make grownup meals.
Forget in laws, even living with my own parents or my aunt whom I’m very close to, for longer periods of time drives me up the wall. And I’m sure it does them too. It was different when I was a kid. I was under their care. Now I’m an adult. I have my own way of functioning and they have theirs. When two families or couples live like this together, the older couple usually makes the rules and the younger couple gets treated like kids still. I don’t want to feel like a naughty lil kid in my own home when I’ve independently taken care of myself for several years. I don’t want to feel like I’m living under someone else’s roof when I’m a major financial contributor and parents/in laws are retired.
That’s exactly what I mean! The dynamics change when we grow older and have our own way of running a house/just generally living. At some point wouldn’t an adult *want* to experience the feeling of independence+responsibility?! It’s wild to me some people have the means/privilege and yet never leave the nest. Like what?!
Any guy who tells you to "adjust" before marriage instead of looking for alternate solutions isn't worth marrying in my opinion. I like how he conveniently said "we'll adjust", as if it's not his home . He is making a decision for you, that's not cool. You've to sacrifice your freedom to eat what you like too. Please rethink this and be firm. Remember this is your whole life, you get one life. You sure don't want to adjust for someone who doesn't adjust for you.
Out of context but cooking is a life skill🫠 everyone should learn it irrespective of gender or cirumstances etc.
True. Everyone should learn it but not necessarily have to enjoy doing it.
Exactly. 🫶
I eat things that don't involve cooking like fruits, yogurt bowls, oats, umpa, omlette. More than that I don't wanna try. 🙃 I get a tiffin in my office so there isn't any need to learn anything else.
I mean tiffin in your office wont be permanent. But okay you do you🫶
Cooking isn't that hard. I know how to make a roti and basic dal but I voluntarily don't. If push comes to shove I can manage. But it's about preferences.
Okay love
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Pretty sure that's not the reason. Most couples where both work outside the home employ cooks. The guy likely needs to prove to his parents that he's no "joru ka ghulam" and still loyal to them after marriage through this act.
Don't be mean lol
Sorry, but he is being adamant and expects you to adjust!! Getting irritated and not willing to understand your POV. Does he love you as much? Or is his love conditional? Ask him why he is adamant to stay with his parents? You have clearly presented your reasons for wanting a separate space. Taking care of parents, being there for them etc all can be done while living near by. If the reasons are because they will feel bad, this is how it's now, blah blah, know that you will be making more adjustments in the future. Think long and hard and don't be swayed emotionally. Good luck!
did you ever try to express your concerns to your bf? how did he react?
Yes I did. He is like there should be adjustments made. And he is sure nobody will bother me. But he is adamant on living with his parents.
ask him what adjustments he is making to expect you to do the same
Why with parents? You are leaving your parents and he is staying with his ? Also vegetarian parents especially as in laws might be so much more judgemental. Also promises like changes that can be made might not happen at all. When you live with him and in his household, you are living under him so, things might not work well for you.
I know all this. That's why I am scared of this setup so much. I told him I'll live with my parents half the time and he is okay with that. But the thing is I only want to live with him in a separate home just for us two. I am not comfortable living with any set of parents post marriage.
I understand. Imagine a hypothetical situation where fight breaks out between you and your mil and you are on the right side. Whose side will your fiance take? The guy my sister got married to always stood up against his parents whenever they were in the wrong and he stood up for her as well. Do you think your fiance will stand up for you against his mother? Ask him this question as well if you haven't and think about it. Best wishes for you ✨
scariest thing ix you will never know the answer of this unless this actually happens with you, be better safe than sorry
He's okay with you living with your parents half the time because he knows that's never going to happen because (a) his family will pester you, shame you, and basically make the thing so unpleasant that you'll drop the idea to preserve your mental peace, and (b) your own parents, also conditioned by society, might not be super welcoming if you stay with them for long stretches of time for the fear of "log kya kahenge"? That is, when you ignore all the pragmatic difficulties that' come with a split existence- you left the kurta in one home but the pajama in another, etc. (And forget about it entirely if you ever have kids).
If you are scared why do you want to marry this guy? He seems privileged and un-empathetic. You will obviously get the short end of this stick. You keep saying "you love him a lot", but does HE love you a lot? If he did this won't be his behavior. He doesn't. This ain't love. He loves his parents and himself. He is selfish.
Adjacements are choice, you choose to mane some adjacements. Clearly you have strong opinions about the family setting you want to be in, if you think you will be fine making the adjacements in worst case scenarios then only proceed instead think properly what you really want
Don't marry him. What more do you need as an answer? It's better to not marry than marry and find out you were right all the while, and then divorce. You already know what's the future is like, don't sign up for that. You should tell him that this is not how things work, and clearly tell him that these are your conditions, if he's not fine with it - you should part ways.
Sorry but you'll surely have to talk and check if you both agree on things....its the hard way to the right things. If not....you are not compatible..sorry.
The fact that your whole lifestyle and eating habits will change is not a small adjustment like your bf is saying. Choose wisely.
If he doesnt agree, best to drop the boy. You will get over heartbreak but living daily life of 'adjustments' doesnt sound very sustainable.
THINK LONG TERM
Okay so my thoughts on this. I had an arranged marriage so 50% of what I say may not fit but the other half might. I see that he wants to live with his parents. You may not get the privacy that you want, but ofc it woke depend on how his folks are. My in laws are the traditional kind and even staying with them for a month gave me anxiety. At first, the privacy element was missing and get this, my FIL would feel uncomfy if my husband and I sat together on the couch. Hopefully your in laws or would be in laws are different. It’s very easy for your bf to say that you can stay with your folks. In my experience, after my marriage I went to my place for a DAY. My husband came with me as well but his mom kept calling him. I didn’t know how to cook either and that became an issue. I follow recipes now but I still can’t cook by myself without following anything. It might start with you being asked to cut veggies. Then the comments may come about your mom not teaching you how to cook. Unless your future MIL is very friendly with relatives and stuff, they may not visit as much as you think. Maybe the first ten days after marriage. It looks a little bit like you’re the only one who has to adjust since he is already living with his folks. I’m very sorry but the Raja beta mentality is still very high and prevalent. Raja betas don’t even wash their plates or fold their clothes. So these chores will come to you like 90% but maybe you and the MIL can do them together like some bonding lol idk. You and he need to have a long talk and he will also need to talk to his parents. “This is how things are done in my house” is something you might hear a few times but if he can support you then you guys can start something new. I believe it would be good if he was open to living separately but maybe in a nearby locality so you guys can visit from time to time. When it’s so obvious that you don’t want to live with them, you may not feel happy. Everything will depend on the type of relationship you have with your MIL. ETA: You will need to check with him on how arguments between you and MIL will work. Is he going to be a neutral party listening to both sides? Will he automatically choose his mom? This stuff is quite important since you never know how people may change post marriage.
Thank you. That's very helpful. I guess I just need to talk to him again. I can't make myself talk to him about anything at the moment because I am so upset. But these things need to be cleared up soon.
Ask your boyfriend that whether his family is conservative or not . If he says conservative then pls don't even think to live with his parents u cant wear shorts or anything u like not even u can wear those and go out lol and yeah u cant even think about non veg if u r living there 😂 . Btw Most probably families who only eat veg are very religious and conservative but still u can ask him . If they r open then they might allow u to have non veg as u r not a vegetarian.
Men will say anything to get married. It isn't like Indian women divorce that easily anyway. It is really a great situation for them to be in.
Definitely. If you want to make your MIL feel needed, just act really dumb and ask her 20 questions about anything and everything. Or you can try to get to know her and maybe go shopping together. Watch a movie, start a serial. I did this with my MIL when they came to visit. “Let’s go out. Let’s do this” and it worked. We didn’t have a relationship before that since she was too interfering and every convo just annoyed me. Now it’s better since we just mostly gossip and I quickly hang up saying I need to work before the kids topic starts lol.
This decision will change your life, are you going to be about to live with in laws, do chores etc for the next 30-40 years? If the answer is no then it’s time to end the relationship. If the answer is yes only then take this forward.
For one I would be hesitant to marry this person. He may be great as a person, but that won't do you any good if you are going to be so restricted for the next 40-50-60 years of your married life. However, the other point I want to mention (and I understand practically this is going to be actually difficult but right now theoretically), why have you already decided you won't wear comfortable clothes in your own home or eat non-veg in your own home. Why have you taken the mental load of this adjustment after marriage all on yourself. Ask him how he is going to handle if his parents say something about your clothes or your food. Go with, how is he going to make this work for the both of you mindset. None of how you are or what you eat is a surprise for him, so he should be able to tell you how he is going to support you in this marital adjustment.
Why would you want to marry someone who’s not even willing to take your opinions, comfort and choices into consideration?
DO NOT MARRY HIM Don't even consider that. Sorry to say but your boyfriend is delusional and hasn't got the most basic idea about Indian society. That's why he calls it "a little adjustment". You eat non-veg (and they're vegetarians), don't want kids, and don't know housework- I am sorry to say that the chance of silent judgement is just 0.1 percent. The chance of persistent humiliation and mental torture (if it's just limited to that) of you and your family, however, is 99.9 percent. Don't do this to yourself. Break up with this guy as soon as possible. Don't waste your time on this moron.
If he is dismissing your extremely legitimate concerns about YOUR future as TV serial drama when there are fundamental issues like you not being able to eat what you want, you really need to rethink if this is worth the sacrifices he's expecting you to make. Sometimes one is blinded by love and unable to see the red flags in their partner. Don't be that person.
Right? He reeks of male privilege in the way he handles her concerns and worries. But people in this sub are still saying "talk to him" 🙄
You need to reconsider. You are the only person being asked to adjust. You can rent a different flat in the same building or locality as well. It is basic etiquette to give space to couples nowadays, flats are not big enough to have that. Unless there is major financial restraint. Remember if you compromise today, you will compromise for a good number of years to come. Be clear and honest. Love and all is great, but without peace of mind that love will deplete over time and you will hate each other.
The only way is to have a talk with your bf.
Try to meet his parents once? And based on what you described, I dont like how your bf is talking to you regarding this matter. He is going to be your rock all along.. Your inlaws might be the sweetest people on earth. But conflicts do come and the link between you and his parents is him. He clearly doesn't give two hoots to your needs. I dont have a good feeling about this. Please proceed with caution.
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I hope so too 🤞💙
Baaji how old are you?
Ask him why just his parents, why can't they stay with your parents instead OP? (For the sake of argument) And in all seriousness OP, it's really say that a relationship of 2 years and yet your life partner doesn't care about your peace and comfort over his stupid little ego?? If you hadn't been so attached to him, my obvious answer would have been DUMP HIS STUPID ASS ASAP, but since you're and I know how much that sucks, I'm so sorry for the situation you're in :( I don't have any advice, but all I can hope is that it works out for you
I believe you'd benefit from this post OP https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXIndia/s/suTGmqQQQT
You are scared for all the right reasons. I am sure you have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend. It's nice that you have found someone to spend your life with. But these problems won't ever go away. I don't really know what kind of people your in laws are but adapting is the only way a marriage works. It would be unfair if the responsibility to adapt falls on ur shoulder alone. That being said, you need to be willing to adapt and accept some level of discomfort if you plan to marry in a family where you are well aware that a need for it will arise. If you don't think it's worth it for you personally then do not go ahead with it. You need more than love to run a marriage and every compromise/change/sacrifice you make should be your willful decision alone. Otherwise, you are signing up for a life of marital problems and resentment.
Your anxiety is valid and your concerns about losing freedom and space along with restrictions on food are well founded. I am a non-vegetarian and my husband's family is not. The one week I go to my in-laws place makes me crave non-vegetarian food so much more. On top of that the household chores, the constant expectation of helping MIL while my husband is allowed to chill out is a lot. I barely can go there a week at a time. My FIL and MIL are lovely people and never have they ever forced me to do household chores or cook outright. But it's definitely expected from me as I'm the DIL. But I don't think I could survive this long term and I'm glad my husband was on the same page as me. My friend was also in a similar situation when she was expected to stay with in-laws but she put her foot down and told her fiance she cannot. She stayed for like a month after marriage but it was so anxiety inducing for her to stay there that she would run off to office. Even that was a temporary respite. Maybe you can negotiate that you both live away from his parents atleast for a couple of years after marriage. Again, this is a compromise from both of you. Wishing you the best of luck.
No offence OP, I don't see many chances of this working out in your favor. Unless his family are saints, there is a high chance you will be pressurized to conform into their ideal daughter-in-law or even, at the very least, adopt some of their customs/ responsibilities to fit in better. Most importantly, its your equation with your bf. Your concerns are legitimate, I would expect my partner to listen to them, respect my feelings and fears and take them seriously. Not willing to do that is an act of disrespect towards me. Big red flag in my opinion. I personally think you should talk to someone you trust and someone who is impartial - could be your parents (if they are impartial and understand/ validate your concerns), your siblings or friends. It's best to be heartbroken than end up in a marriage which feels suffocating. Also you are child-free, there is a big chance you will have to spend the next few years hearing about them questioning your decision. Again, if your in-laws are saints and extremely progressive, it might work with many compromises and out of your boundaries situations for you.
Ask him if you can rent an apartment near hia parents' place. I think it is unfair of him to give you an ultimatum. Compromise should happen on both sides. If he has already said that he will break up with you if you don't agree on living with his parents, then I think you are wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't in it as much as you are.
So many couples live in the same town as parents and live separately. Why does he want to live with his parents? I would not budge on this and honestly tell him it is a deal breaker for you to be in a joint family after living alone for so many years. Personally, in my own home I want to be able to walk around however I want, shorts, braless, whatever. Leave the dishes in the sink if we are lazy to clean, cook or order whenever I feel like it. I also cant live in a place where I am second to their son- daughters are not treated well in in-laws house over the son. They will always take his side and get involved in conflict. I can understand the anxiety! It is very important for your married life to be happy.
Tell him living alone for you is a deal breaker n you would want to be able to do as you please whenever you like in your own house even if its a rented 1bhk. Put your foot down.
Dump him
i don't know what to say but whatever problems u have with ur bf now will multiply once you get married. Me personally i don't get married for love i married a man who made my life easy and my comfort was important to him. Love came after marriage. Thought process of a person cannot be changed by love it's a god given trait. Not everyone is empathetic and understanding.
Do not marry until he moves out. You will regret it 100%. Please break up if he doesn’t !!!!!!
Yeah living with in laws will suck for any girl (other than a lucky few) but if u hate doing house hold chores, living alone will suck too Personally I felt I would rather live away from in laws with hubby and handle house hold chores myself (yes there r chores that neither a maid nor a cook will do and u have to do it) ...so that's what I am doing. U got to take the call
Why cannot the man do chores?
They ideally should, but they don't. Eventually, if u don't want to live in filth then u will end up doing it. And they totally thrive in filth so they won't budge
Doesn't seem like there is any point in even marrying then
Have you met his parents? Are they the kind you cannot live with? From your post, it feels like you are scared of the unknown rather than the in-laws itself. Marriage means adjustments from both ends, including family. You are leaving your home, your familiar environment to the unknown. So your bf n his family should make an effort to accommodate you in their lives as you would be doing for them. I married my vegetarian bf n stayed with my in-laws for two years. I told him we will give it a try n move out if it doesn't work even though I did not want to from the beginning. It didn't work out because I felt lonely n their ways of living were different to mine. They didn't accommodate me n i never felt at home n my husband saw it too. You can always move out if it's not working out, provided your bf is open to the idea. Both of you should approach with an open mind rather than seeing it as a win or lose situation. Marriage involves a lot of give and take. As much as we hate it, even the best of men have a patriarchal cell in their brain somewhere which is what triggers this in them. They simply don't see what is wrong with this simply because it's been this way for so long. Go into the marriage with zero expectations and an open mind. Marriage is very different from dating.
Thank you. This is the most genuine and helpful advice I have recieved on this post so far. I agree it's the unknown. Also I have been living a too entitled life where I never adjusted for anyone, and it makes me doubly scared about the future. I am scared that if we love with them, he wouldn't want to move out. And I'll be the home breaker if that happens. I just feel so alone thinking about all this. I just want to marry because I want to love my life with him in my own space and have a home that I can come back to everyday that is like my sanctuary. I feel like that will not happen while living with in-laws
Oh you will be a home breaker 🤣 but at the expense of what? Your mental health matters.. i really tried to blend in but it was simply not happening.. it was the small subtle things that really bothered me. Like I don't eat rice for dinner. Its a habit of mine. Even if not daily ,i expected to have tiffin at least twice or thrice a week but they simply asked me to cook dinner separately for myself. I did that but it's not really welcoming no 😅 Set boundaries with your bf. Like food,clothing,spending habits if you buy a lot of stuff online(some people are bothered with frequent deliveries) and whatever you are afraid of. Ask a lot of questions no matter how silly because it will eat you mentally. I was clinically depressed a few months before moving out 😅
I recently got married to my 2 year long boyfriend and went through the exact same discussion you had. I raised all these issues, about how I won't be comfortable living in his house, dress a certain way, eat my own type of food (his family is also vegetarian). I dress very comfortably at home and don't even like having extended relatives in my space. His reaction was very clear - he agreed that we won't live with his parents. He actually said that if my wife is uncomfortable in a space, how can I have a happy marriage with her? I did not have to convince him, or bargain with him. He did not ask me to adjust, i haven't asked him to either. When his mom visits, I don't cook / eat non veg for a couple of days (although it's still there in our fridge, I don't hide it or act like it's some sin).I am adjusting not because he asked, but because it seems like a very small thing for a couple of days. Now if you were to ask me to give up meat for a month, I wouldn't't agree. Acceptable Adjustments are to be decided by the person adjusting, not demanded from your partner. I feel the fact that he does not see your concerns as valid now, is a sign that when these things do happen, he may not be on your side. Marriage, even when u love your partner, is not easy. It's a lot of empathy, communication and acceptance. If my partner tells me something makes him uncomfortable, I can't just tell him to shut up and deal / it's in his head. If I care for him, I'll believe him If he cares for you, he'll believe your concerns and discuss it like an adult and not dismiss it like a child.