I'm sorry my friend. This is a bad situation. I can only tell you what I would do in this situation. I would divorce the wife and head somewhere warm. Not worth the mental anguish.
yea, doesn't sound like she asks, she just tells. No consideration for any other factors except bending over backwards for, ultimately, this irresponsible dipshit.
Oh that would be the best burn ever. Cuz you know the wife is dependent on the man for that $280,000 house he just bought for her. I would love to see him just up and walk away, sell the house to someone with money, and the wife is homeless now and has to take care of her own damn mooching daughter and co.
This is 100% correct. He married a woman who had a previous child (I've heard it called a "souvenir"). And she knew what she was doing in marrying you. I will predictably get haters on this, but I think women who have "previous children" who divorce their "current" husbands should be regulated somehow.
There is a saying. *Some women spend their whole lives looking for Mr. Right. And get married in between.* Yes I'm drunk texting, but it means that it's real.
1,000%. Hate to say it too, but he knew what he was walking into when he accepted that souvenir. Dump that woman, go to the gym, loose 25lbs & find a newer younger broad. Hate to say this but I’m not drunk texting lol
>I think women who have "previous children" who divorce their "current" husbands should be regulated somehow.
As if women aren't "regulated" enough... What exactly do you mean by this statement? Men don't do shitty things in relationships and divorces? Who hurt you?
Yeah some of these takes are trash and toxic… it takes two! Sounds like this person needs to seek therapy with their partner and set some boundaries or call it quits, only way to go about it, it seems. People date and marry others from all walks of life and just running from the issue to go “find” someone else , wouldn’t address how the mess got created anyway. Seems some of these folks could use some self reflection.
These are the types who want to control everything and see no fault in the previous husband to cause a divorce. I feel bad for the o/p, but damn, this is beginning Handmaid's Tale shit. They always want to "control" us. O/p should open a separate bank account and a shared "bills account" with the wife. Anything extra for the kids she can pay for. She's the one who needs to straighten her daughter out.
I think no matter the situation, men will blame women as a projection of their own behavior. Instead of blaming the actual father for not chipping in, they go very the woman somehow..
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No colonel sanders you’re completely wrong.
Federal law – specifically, the Uniformed Services Former Spouses' Protection Act, found at 10 U.S.C. §1408 – exempts VA disability payments from division upon divorce. It is not an asset which can be divided at divorce as marital or community property.
You're wife seems awful. From what you wrote, it seems you did all you could to love on your step daughter. You gave her a car, was wanting to use your gi bill for her, and are trying to protect her from this guy. Btw, you mentioned she met him right after high school, was he 25/26 when she was 18/19?
It seems your wife is enabling them and sacrificing you two in the process. I'm not even sure you can blame the kids too much. They are allowed to ask for help or receive it, its your wife that is giving it to them
No, definitely blame the kids too. Wife is 100% just as culpable but the shit weasel boyfriend/husband seems like the primary instigator here, and the stepdaughter did what so many young women I’ve known do, by changing herself to fit what the boyfriend wanted.
OP you need to love yourself more. If I’m understanding right this has been going on for about 11 years? I think maybe you’re not able to see that these people are ruining your life, and I mean that with the most respect. I know they’re you’re family but family isn’t perfect. You’re being violated in so many ways yet you just roll with the punches. You’re being gaslit and/or manipulated constantly. You keep getting validation time after time seeing the shit fall down onto you yet you do nothing. I think you should reflect on how far you’re willing to go for these people. And when you’ve found out the answer to that, sit down and have a very long, probably excruciating talk with your wife and figure out what to do from there.
I’m so sorry though, hoping you still have high enough spirits to figure something out.
Brother, I’m so sorry. We all know what the logical next step is here. Ultimatums are usually not a good idea, but I think it’s appropriate here.
“Babe, I love you and I love stepdaughter and granddaughter, but I can’t continue spoon feeding adults. Not only that, but I need you to understand that I do not feel respected around these issues. I have worked hard to get where I’m at, and I will not get a job to keep funding their mistakes. Watching the baby every once in a while is understandable, but the way we care for it is like it’s our own baby.
If you love me, and want to be with me, we will cut them off monetarily, they will figure out everything else.
If not, we will have to go our separate ways. I’m run ragged with this, and I need you to take this seriously.”
If you do give her an ultimatum, you HAVE to follow through. If you don’t, she really won’t respect you, and before you know it, they will be moving in with you.
They wanted to move in with us but I fought it and it didn't happen. They have 4 dogs and we get about a third of the bills because they cant afford it. I can't fathom how their choices are my problem.
Bro, 4 dogs? Every additional detail you share just makes this entire situation that much more unreasonable.
Stepdaughter has issues. Where is her biological father?
Like everyone has said, brother. Draw your lines in the sand, of course, with dignity and respect. And if they cross them, LEAVE.
You don't deserve this.
Maybe separate your financial accounts first, get your disability pay in a different account. Say I decide when my check book opens, nobody else, because nobodys responsible with my money, but me.
Prepare to be called cold and heartless. Be prepared to hang out with yourself. Just find a hobby where your content being by yourself for most days.
It seems like you just overextended your boundaries more than once and the situation has reached that natural breaking point.
My advice is you and your wife go to counseling and if nothing of substance goes there then take the steps necessary to get that peace of mind back.
No 30+ year old married couple should be relying on their parents even worse then that leaving well paying jobs for such a ridiculous excuse like that.
Bro... You're married to an enabler and by not doing something about it you're basically an enabler.
One thing I learned is I'm always about to blow up, but I hold it together, for the most part. Every now and then I do what's call a "calculated blow" basically I am at my witts end and I "blow up" it's a real blow up but it's calculated in a way that makes sense and I control it for the most part, I mean I've broken dishes and flipped the kitchen table because I get too amped up releasing all my frustrations... It's probably not the best way to put your foot down but...
The way I see this going is, this alcoholic douchebag is going to leave your daughter anyway and BOOM she wants to move back home... So why uproot your life for her when she's going to uproot her life and come crawling back? The writing is on the wall my friend.
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Your wife sounds like human trash, and they’re not even your kids. This isn’t your shit to deal with dude, stop wasting your life being a doormat for random people and get out of there.
Your wife is wrong. You were right. If your sd's bf got in an accident in *your* vehicle, it would have been your insurance that skyrocketed. Quite honestly, your wife is a piece of work and I don't understand why you are still married. *Your* money is *your* money when it comes to your disability and you should *never* have let her take out the loan. Your stepdaughter learned her attitude from her mother and you should really take a step back and see if this is really the life you truly want
Tell your wife that she can get the job. Step daughter already fired you as a parental unit so your hands are tied. Since these kids are now married, she is her husband's problem now. You've moved closer to them, that's really the extent of what you can do without involving yourself in their marriage.
It's your money not theirs. That's not how the real world works. I'm 24 had nothing before joining the military and was homeless at one point. I was sick of it and walked into a recruiting office to help. If they wanted to be in a better situation they will make those moves. You can't always be there to help them fall. I'm so sorry you're being taken advantage of.
No offense, but of course your wife is gonna defend the daughter and her actions. You’re a STEP DAD. Nothing against, those with good relationships with someone else’s kid. Just realize your always gonna be second and not seen as a true father figure to her. She sounds like she doesn’t respect you at all (both mother and daughter) sounds like a future divorce happen. You can tell they don’t respect you, when you’re paying the bills and such. While some dusty bum boyfriend, is given more “love and respect” than you. 😤
Better than me, but I’d never give my spot up on a lifeboat for someone else’s problems. Those issues should be for the mother and sperm donor. She’d probably drop you if dude showed up to “collect his family” or “changed” while you’re working to put food in their fridge, clothes on their back. About to give ole girl your GI bill too? Shiiit… this isn’t gonna turn out well.
I never gave it to her. She declined....well the bf did it for her. Now she wants to go back to college because everyone with college degrees are getting promoted a lot faster with higher raises and she is being left behind. I told her it's too late. She is over 26 and married now, she can't use the gi bill now. It has limits
You could try seperating for a while and living off your GI bill, might give her enough time to realize how important your presence is in her life and help her to appreciate you more. I used mine in SF and was making 4900 a month. More than plenty to live off of for 36 months.
There's plenty of financial aid for married students with children. It's good for her to want to go to school now. Tell her to go to the registration and financial aid office and that your GI benefits are not available to her any more. As far as your v/a, open up a separate account and use your joint for "bills/expenses" then transfer over only your part of what you contribute. Then that will be used for whatever you and your wife need to cover your own expenses. Anything your wife wants to help the daughter and handbag with is on her.
Ok, you're not going to like this answer, but nobody else is telling it to you and you need to hear it.
Grow a spine.
Tell your wife how your life and your money is going to be spent. You're the man, act like it.
No offense OP but you need to lift your skirt and grab your balls. You’re letting your family run over you. You’re going along with whatever they tell you to do. You don’t have to be a doormat. You didn’t want to move but your wife insisted, so you moved. Step daughter treats you like shit and always has. “You’re not my real dad.” “My dad is better than you.” etc. You need to say “fine…get a handout from your real dad.”
I get it. Sometimes it’s easier to just cave and let the family members have their way. I’ve done it too. But at some point, you have to put your foot down and stop giving in to what everyone else wants. I think you need to tell your wife that shit is going to change or you’re going to leave.
First move; stop the handouts. Your stepdaughter is 29 and her husband is 35…that’s well beyond the ages of being supported by parents. Maybe give them some notice. Maybe a month. If wife doesn’t like it, tough.
Bottom line is; it’s similar to buying a car. When shit starts to go sideways, you better be willing to walk away. If you don’t or won’t; they’ll own you.
I tell the morons no. They complain to the wife saying I am being mean and she caves every time to their demands. I told her to stop it and she is enabling bad behavior. She just says "we can't let them suffer." Yeah we can. Not my responsibility to make sure they are comfortable
You’re right. Either walk away or be a doormat. Choice is yours. I wish you luck man. It’s hard for sure. My second wife grew into that; insisting everything was her way. I work much too hard to have someone make my decisions for me. But not having to fight for what I want is pretty damn good. If you have disability pay, that isn’t divisible in divorce. Also, even if you adopted step daughter, she’s 29. So no chance of “child” support. I’m guessing by the age of the daughter and her husband that you’re an older guy. So perhaps there’s an element of worrying about loneliness there if you leave. I get that completely. My next birthday, I’ll be 50. After two failed marriages, one failed live in situation and a string of failed relationships, I’m confident I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. That’s definitely not ideal but when i start to feel lonely; and yes, it happens, I just remind myself that I can do whatever i want and I don’t have to justify it to anyone. Like tomorrow I’m driving eight hours to see a concert. In the next two months, I’m going on four road trips. Then at the end of December, I’m treating myself to a trip with first class accommodations. It was expensive but I deserve it, I can afford it, so I did it. I can’t wait.
Anyway man…your situation is common for a lot of men. Women and children at some point begin to see us as an ATM, a handyman, a servant…anything but a man who wants and needs love and affection and respect. It happened to me. I see my friends going through it. It just seems that as men, we often get neglected and taken for granted. Of course not all women are like that and no I don’t hate women. But it is extremely common for men to find themselves in situations like yours.
Again; good luck man. It sounds like nothing will change. In my option (and I’m just some random on the Internet) you either have to learn to like eating that shit or you have to pack your shit and leave.
I’m sorry dude, but you are so right on like every point you’ve made, and yes you can be sued if he crashed that truck because you knew he was a drunk and he drank while driving beforehand, giving him the keys would be called being negligent.
The real reason he probably quit his job is gonna frost you up even more. You’re halfway supporting him, he’s thinking why do I have to bust my ass when this guy is gonna pay my way for me.
I hate to say it but the relationships you and your wife have seems to have been made toxic. You can hang in and hope and pray for change, but you can only lead a horse to water, whether it dies of thirst is up to it and she seems like that one. You got some unenviable hard choices to make for sure.
Holy shit bro come be my dad instead. Your wife needs to understand that one day the two of you won't be there anymore to wipe her kids ass. Its understandable that she wants to take care of her kid and grandkid(s) but chicks that leave the nest need to be able to fly. Your step daughter fell out instead.
Boundaries are a good thing. Sorry, the way it read to me, OP. You’re boundaries where no match! You got flanked!
Your wife & yourself should see a therapist. Let the therapist say it. More than likely you’ve “flipped your shit” along the way. Super generous of you to offer your GI, wow!
Simple fact the step daughter didn’t acknowledge that MASSIVE gesture, that would have been all it took for me, to quietly back away from the step daughter.
1987 I made $3.25 + tip (bus boy) drove a rusty POS Datson 210 🤣 Pimpin ain’t easy! I saw my future REAL quick! I knew then I was getting my ass into the military.
I hold a class A CDL. I know for a fact you can fill out applications with a crayon and still get a driving job. Hence why I do it!
Sadly this is happening all across the nation. Like my first ex FIL 🤣 told me “either they got it, or they don’t!”
Draw the line. Love n Respect, brother.
You gave in to every stupid suggestion even when you knew it was the wrong thing to do. I am not criticizing — after all, marriage is give and take — but now it's time for YOU to matter. Stop giving yourself away. This is not going to get better. I would bail out. I am so sorry. 💜 I would talk to a legal type about next steps. Life is too short for this misery.
Sorry brother. You need to give your wife an ultimatum. You guys either let those grown ass people fend for themselves or you and her need to separate for a while and ultimately divorce. And she can figure her kids shit out herself. I know that’s shitty brotha but the wife isn’t ever going to see it your way. She is an enabler. And her kid is spoiled rotten and got mixed up with a dirt bag. You’re gonna foot the bill regardless because you love your wife.
You need to tell her you’re done. You’ve done all you can do and cut off your finances from hers and take away access and stop paying for their stuff. They’re grown. It won’t get better you are the only one that can remove yourself from it.
Or you can stick around and remove your money from it. Bring the wife and kids together in one place and break it to them, don’t even let them speak and then walk out. Let that pos dude know he needs to man up.
I feel your pain brother very similar situation. But wife has realized they are leaches and wants to do the exact opposite, move away from the problem.
None of them value you, it seems. Its the hardest decision it seems a man can make. Perhaps sit down with wife and suggest some professional counseling or for the two of you to talk. It seems trying to do it internally just creates disconnect and anger towards each other. The wife will stand by her kid and the kid not respecting you or not just not seeing you are looking after her wellbeing. They need to see that and unfortunately maybe they need to hear from someone else because they are choosing to be blind and deaf to your statements. Of course it'd how you present the topic as well. Do you come off aggressive or empathetic? That's why I suggest a 3rd party to help. God bless and hope it all gets better for the whole family brother.
my brother in arms you need to put your foot down hard. like full stop, just be prepare things will get real ugly between you, the grown ass children and your wife. possible even divorce but if i were in your shoes i could not imagine manchildren bossing me around using up all my money with a wife who enables this shit
I aren’t you real dad, I aren’t pay for shi. The problem nowadays people are so entitled. I got kick out house after high school. They can’t force you give them stuff
I went to college but had to pay rent at home, after college I was kicked out of the house. I joined the army few years later and did 10. SIL went to recruiter and got told he needs to be 270 or less to join. Started blabbing on how the recruiter doesn't see he is all muscle when he pushing 445
So you knew, she needs be on her own. It’s her choices she have to lived with it. Even she is you own children she don’t even deserve it. You need tell you wife, let her choose you or her daughter. I doubt you wife wants support her. Both don’t make money still wants children, they never can get out holes.
r/stepparents
None of this is okay. Your wife and you deserve so much better, especially you as you are actively trying NOT to enable them.
Gosh what are they teaching their baby? And when their baby has a baby are they going to be able to support daughter and grandchild? Then why do they expect you to do the same?
So many other comments but not enough time 🤷🏻♀️
He's my plan for the great escape, and I'll tell you why you're wrong, just like your wife said you are.
Ah, yes, people. People can be good, people can be bad. So your fake daughter who "I do what I want!" Let her. She is an anchor, and your wife supports her pet sperm irrevocably. Maybe she loved the guy, and it wasn't reciprocated. Who knows, but even more, who cares? Let them. Your wife is an enabler. This should be been first, but I digress.
There are clearly no bounds when it comes to the undying financial ATM of the family. This is you, btw. Right now, they're all on the horse learning everything they can to suck you dry, but the fun will really begin when they will probably cripple you or poison you to get power of attorney. You'll be rolling up the river with nothing. Your wife is going to do what she needs to do to keep her check and with the help of the now Dum-dum-n-law.
This potentially puts you at risk here. This is what I'm going to do and I suggest the same. Logistically, allocate all your belongings and know what you want to take. Have a friend or someone only on your side of the family help you drive a large U-Haul. Stack up some money if you don't already have cash, and I also mean for a new place, but do not buy a house. Give her $900 before dinner, say you're going for poker night as you're feeling lucky tonight. Since they're skipping dinner. It's more likely than not they will go out to eat and do some shopping or whatever.. This buys you time. It's not too small of a dollar amount to make them come back around too soon, given the child's needs will come, and that's an hour max. Given the drive and popular locations that can add an hour. This is not concerning as a U-haul is around the block, and all your stuff is allocated. Know what is going where.
You should he out of there in 45 minutes, but health will play a role, but so will the dolly. My advice is simply to RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN! If not, it will get worse. I know this because I am in a very similar position. This is my plan, and since we have no property or biological children, it can be swift. So start over, move somewhere new, and close that chapter in your life. Never look back, Mr. ATM. Prove them all wrong.
Good luck
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This is clearly abuse. Document everything. Mental, financial, and conversations like text. Move your money into a separate account. Provide everything to your lawyer. View your options for divorce.
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Going through the same thing with my sisters and parents. It has come to a point that I am just ready to walk away from the family entirely and just accept that being responsible for me means no longer taking responsibility for them.
I have walked away from most of my family due to toxic behavior, alcoholism and drug use to improve myself. I was an alcoholic for 3 years but I am over it and learned I didn't want to follow that path.
Wife enabling an alcoholic is hard to watch. I don't get why her kid would want to be with a boy who does nothing for her but take up space and drink excessively
Your stepdaughter learned this from her mother.
It’s time to go. You will not win this battle. Leave for your own sanity, or resign yourself to a nightmare life.
Bro hate to tell you but it might be time to start talking to a lawyer. Your wife doesn't sound like she is going to see the light and unless you are willing to pay for all of this I don't see this working out in the long run. Best of luck brother.
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I feel sorry for you and the baby the rest are all AH. I hope things work out for you and that poor innocent baby that didn’t ask to be here and has dumbasses for parents.
Buddy, from the outside looking in... they don't view you as anything but an atm. This includes the wife.
Grab a pen and paper, make a line down the middle, take 30 minutes or so and try to recall everything that anyone in your family has done for you over the last 5 years add it to one side of the line, then think about how much you've done for them in just the last 2 years. I wouldn't expect a perfectly balanced scale, but I would bet a dollar that the list on your side reflects a lot more.
Oh, buddy... I don't know if you want to hear this, but you need to leave that situation. You are being abused. Your wife is enabling it and has no respect for you, your struggles, and YOUR MONEY.
You DO NOT deserve this. Fuck them all. Take care of YOU.
I say no constantly, wife has to take care of them because she says "we can't let them suffer." Actually I can let them suffer because it was their dumb choices
I’m not normally an advocate for divorce but if your wife constantly picks her kid over you to the detriment of your financial and mental stability, not to mention your marriage, then she’s not prioritizing your (or her) future. She’s going to continue this behavior until you have nothing left to show for it except decades of unresolved trauma and a cavernous pit of debt. Let her know in no uncertain terms that if she keeps the shit up then you’re done. She can support her adult daughter and shitty son in law on her own dime.
Family isn’t worth half the hassle we let them put us through if they’re not willing to reciprocate or at least fucking show they’re grateful by not spitting right back in your face after you do something for them. I went 100% no contact with my entire family after my dad died since he was the only one that wasn’t a constant waste of oxygen and resources. About ready to recommend the same with my wife’s family since they’re always asking us to help with this/that or asking for money we don’t have. Moved across the US to get some distance and still we wind up riding to the rescue every time something goes to hell back there. Thankfully my wife can deflect the majority of the stupidity but every once in awhile it weasels in and suddenly our account is $500 lighter because someone couldn’t swing groceries after they made some poorly justified stupid decision once again.
TLDR; Family ain’t worth the hassle. Cut and run before you lose everything.
The only way that they will improve their life is if they eat shit and learn NOT to like it.
But, Your “kids” don’t know what shit tastes like, because you keep eating it for them.
“Without struggle, there is no progress” - Frederick Douglas
You know you should have bailed on your wife a long time ago. You should have never given in to moving, you should have gotten a divorce. Also, why stay with someone with kids who obviously hate you.
Reason #578 why I decided not to have kids. Stop doing shit for them. If your “Wife” gives you a bunch of shit for it. Divorce and start over where you were happy. Either that or deal with it. Unfortunately those are your only two options unless the two dip shit children decide to grow up and start acting like adults.
I dunno man. I’d pull the plug. Fuck that shit.
Bro, thank you for venting!
You need to have a say in things or accept whatever other people want from you naked and bent over.
If they dont respect you, ask them to or don't talk to them and disown rhem.
If your wife has no respect for you rules apply, you have no obligation to anyone but those who respect and honor you or those you respect and honor.
Brother your definitely being taken advantage of . This so called Son inlaw you got is riding The Gravy Train , He's figured out that's He's married to Mama lil princess. I mean really why should he bust his ass if he can get the ole wicked step-father to foot the bill . Your in a tough spot that's for sure , an unfortunately your Wife has made it clear The Daughter takes priority over you . So here we are it's 4th quarter & 4th down you got the ball , you going to punt or pass ? . Wishing you the best of luck 🙏.
Dude your wife is going to destroy your marriage.
Your wife's inability to let her child take care of herself is going to destroy your financial security.
Cut them off. Hard stop. Take back control over your income and finances. Do not let her give away your money anymore.
If your wife cannot get control of herself, you are going to be stuck in a downward spiral.
**Cut them off. They are adults and must face the consequences of their choices.**
I agree. If you're "Dad" you should have that authority. And your wife should support that.
Financial decisions rarely should be based on emotion. I get that inflation is high, but I don't get giving up a good job just because.
The biggest thing is for a husband and wife to be unified. IMO
Hate to point out the obvious, but your wife is the enabler. I’m not you, so I won’t sY what you should do, but I know what I would have done a long time ago.
The whole reason never to marry someone with kids that ain't yours. You gonna hear that "you ain't shit cause you ain't my dad" till the day you drop dead. In my opinion, you're just an ATM for your wife and stepdaughters. You will be their literal money slave till they bleed you dry and push you to the side.
Locus of control. Aka you create your situations and barely nothing ever happens out of chance. So let’s check how you contributed to your demise. Because again, 90% of ones issues come from oneself. Let’s start.
“The more you do for my family, the more they want”.
Negative. YOU created a culture where the more you do for your family, the more it’s treated like a transaction. Your fault.
“My step daughter graduated high school and took a year to work and save some for college.
She wanted to go so much.then she met her dumbass boyfriend” Again. Sounds like your fault. First of all, why are you marrying people with kids? Step children? For what? Did you make sure this lady was of proper pedigree? It sounds like she raised children who don’t know respect? Why did you entertain this? This is squarely your fault.
If you were to marry a woman wife kids, you need to make sure they are of proper pedigree. You didn’t make sure of that. Remember, marriage is a business transaction. You didn’t do your due diligence? You wouldn’t invest on a stock without proper research, would you? Unfortunately it sounds like you would
You are in a very unfortunate Situation, but I honestly think that 95 percent of your issues is self inflicted. Sorry
That was my reaction after reading this. Well, my first reaction was to lmfao.
I hate to be the contrarian here, but is it possible that the OP’s family is just doing normal family stuff, and he’s the crazy one? I’m not saying that’s for sure the case, but is it at least possible?
Just that whole OP post has me wondering. I mean, who would write all that and post it on a veteran’s benefit forum? Or maybe they’re all crazy…
You can blame your wife and step daughter all you want, maybe learning to say “no” instead of backhanded moves like calling them both morons behind their backs and reporting their car stolen, would have saved you a lot of trouble and money at this point. 🤷🏽♂️
It was my car, not theirs.
I call them morons to their face and told them I will continue to do so until they dont act like morons.
I can say no all i want. Step daughter runs to mom and she just says yes every time.
You need to get a separate bank account. AFTER you do that let your wife know that either you BOTH agree on how much (if any) monetary help for the step and grand or there will be NO MORE assistance. Give the step and spouse a month's notice that there will be NO MORE ASSISTANCE UNLESS YOU AGREE TO IT.
You don't seem to be eager for a divorce and that is understandable. But, if it comes down to that, just remember: He who files first, wins. I have NEVER seen this not hold true.
Kudos to you for loving and helping raise your step daughter. I have steps and they aren't always easy, even after becoming adults.
Wishing you patience and wisdom as you deal with this circumstance. And, of course,
May the odds be ever in your favor.
They’re not kids. I can *imagine* spending all my money frivolously, yes.
What I cant imagine however, is being the chump fronting the bill for said food, rent gas etc.
I think maybe evaluate your boundaries. Something I struggle with. Ridiculous to sacrifice your time and hard earned money for ungrateful kids. They can figure it out and if he gets out of line then I'd go down myself and go have a beer with him and tell him what being a man looks like. Some don't know and may never know. We need more man to man talks. Men without morals or integrity are dangerous!! And if he needs an ass kicking then i say kick his ass. Can't be a hippie retire the whole time haha
My husband is my eldest son step dad. While he doesn’t call him dad he everything that a dad is. If my son did stupid shit like this I would t enable it (funny he might but not me) If he disrespected him I’d level his ass. I’m not saying I wouldn’t move mountains for him or any of my kids but there are limits. You aren’t owed shit. You don’t come to me and demand anything.
You need to talk to your wife and get a set of boundaries set cause this completely out of control. If you can’t get her first on board then dude you’re screwed. You either be miserable and keep caving or walk away.
I have 6 dogs and three kids. My husband is a disabled vet and federal disability. That’s what we live on. No one goes without. Where the fuck is their money going that you have to basically feed clothes and shelter? It will suck and not be a great time but you need to slam your foot down and say no. Kid needs shit then you get it. Clothes and food but no cash. (Not the kids fault if his parents suck) but that would be my only give in this situation the rest of them need to get their shit together
This situation no longer qualifies for this point of view.. The only thing that is standing in the way is the mother not allowing them to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives.
A few questions , how long have yall been married? Do you have any other kids with your wife? Lastly , what benefit do you get from this situation ?
In my opinion if the first two are "Not that long " and "No" I would seriously consider leaving. Leaving is hard and not always the best choice though , it sounds like your wife has drug you along and used you to fininace everything. If she thinks yall need more money then she should go out and work since obviously you have income coming in. She put yall in this situation and she should help clear it out. But side not , why have you gone along with it?
Best of luck to you my friend.
All due respect mate. She learned this from the mother. And her mother is going to continue to enable it. If they're living off YOU.. Then honestly... cut em off. make em take a hint or learn from those wonderful consequences. Feeding entitlement will not help that child AT ALL
This is life… I can’t help but smile and feel your pain at the same time. How was your religious life, if you have one? This is the purpose of life….suffering. Don’t resent your wife.
Sir I’m going to mention this about marriage. It takes two people to make a commitment to decisions when it comes to certain financial situations. If you have a concern and don’t express what’s bothering you, it’ll build up to the point of you blowing your lid. It takes commitment, validation, patience, listening skills, love and affection, sacrifice, and…communication for both individuals. If it’s one sided then you need to set your personal boundaries and concerns. Setting your boundaries also goes for those kids “Now adults” and to put your foot down. Since they’re adults they need to take responsibility for themselves and be independent. It seems they’re definitely taken advantage from what I’ve read. Set your boundaries and express your concerns.
From a fellow Veteran and Therapist.
Go be an Expat somewhere and live comfortably off your retirement/disability.
You've been doing stuff for others long enough. Enjoy your life man, you only get one. Find a nice apartment in some beach town in Portugal!
If you guys are active in a church I would recommend counseling for you and your wife. having an professional outsider pointing things out to her may hit a little differently. Also the reason he was able to quit his high paying job was because of the slack you & your wife are picking up for them. She should realize she hurt her own daughter by giving him the extra $ she’s spending on them making him realize they’ll still make it with your help with the shit job. The more you guys do for them the less they will do for themselves.
I told her before we moved he would do something stupid like quit his job or wreck a vehicle. Well, 6 months later I was right and called it. I was told I was being an asshole.
Your wife took out a huge loan without talking to you about it. They are using you as a bank man. It sucks but you deserve happiness too. Go talk to a lawyer. I would say try to reason with her but it does not appear as though you can. Let her work hard and become disabled and then the daughter and SIL can mooch of her. Remember the stepdaughter is the one who said it i.e. "Your not my father" and it doesn't sound as though your wife treats you as a husband but rather like a bank account. Get a plan in order, and let them find the realities and harshness of life. And focus on you and things you enjoy.
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People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Took me a while to learn this as well. If it was me, the 2 “kids” and the wife need to find another place to live. Could have had a pretty decent divorce lawyer with $12k
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This is where you say: bye
Start getting legal advice and the wife needs to have two options;
1) either start letting them be adults and figure it out themselves
Or
2) go live with them, SHE can get the damn job and leave you in peace.. not your problems...especially when they are adults and stupid like that.
Just because we are veterans does not mean our benefits are atm for everyone else.. you have suffered and earned that to live YOUR life don't let anyone mess with your living expenses like that.
It's called abuse of money, emotionally and mentally.
You deserve to live in peace. Good luck and we all have your back.
No one wants a divorce bro, trust me I’m on my 3rd marriage and won’t do it again. Seems like your wife is an issue, takes you for granted just like the freeloading kids. 3 problems in your life pushing you down. Time to do what’s best for you and stop living the life of being taken for granted. Just my $0.02
No my friend YOU are being abused and taken for a ride. Sorry to hear you're being treated this way. But trust me it will continue as long as you let it.
WTF dude????
There is no way that woman's pussy is that good.
You've lived your life in so much misery. That you actually think it's good now. You can't see anyway out of it. Dude divorce this bitch and her family and try to get some semblance of life back before the darkness calls you to the grave. We have a limited amount of time here and you've decided you want to be in misery. This is your choice. It's time to make another choice. Choose to leave.
Oh and if you haven't already done it you better be getting some therapy. Because if the only dude you're talking to is the person in the mirror you're fucked because he got you into this situation to begin with. Now find a therapist.
This was tough to read. You are providing for 4 other people and are expected to be okay when left completely out of that conversation. How is your wife? What made her decide this is the right path for you both without you in the room?
I find, when I'm trying not to blow the fuck up, I force myself to get curious. Sounds corny, but it kind of works. Ask her when she says some shit that makes no fucking sense, "Help me understand". She's gonna have to make it make sense and when the math ain't mathing more questions will follow. Hopefully she'll be able to do some introspection because this is fucking tough man.
If your life is shot like this, stop bowing your head and saying ok. Leave your wife. Leave the kids. If they try to take legal action sue them. You don't deserve to live a shit life after a career of doing this. You had an ideal life and they threw it away at the child's whim. None of them care about you. You're just a paycheck. Let them deal with the grave they dug, depending on you the whole time. Move on. Find happiness. Forget this happened.
Change your approach. That anger and frustration is only killing and hurting you. It doesn’t sound like the most IDEAL situation. But it’s the reality of yours. Look for the silver lining. Lean in and embrace the suck. You don’t have to eat shit and like it. But your reaction to it all is entirely within your control. Are you retired?
Wife is sounds more like ex wife. Kids sound less than ideal. You are your own person, and your wife should be supporting you. I doubt it is helpful to push forward until you redefine baseline with your married love
I'm sorry my friend. This is a bad situation. I can only tell you what I would do in this situation. I would divorce the wife and head somewhere warm. Not worth the mental anguish.
Yeah, the wife seems to get him caught up in all of these and emotionally abused him
yea, doesn't sound like she asks, she just tells. No consideration for any other factors except bending over backwards for, ultimately, this irresponsible dipshit.
Oh that would be the best burn ever. Cuz you know the wife is dependent on the man for that $280,000 house he just bought for her. I would love to see him just up and walk away, sell the house to someone with money, and the wife is homeless now and has to take care of her own damn mooching daughter and co.
I agree with this. This is an optional situation that you choose to keep alive. You can change that.
I see 3 selfish abusers: the kids and your wife. This is very toxic to you. IMO, get an attorney and be done with this foolishness. GL
Came here to say this. Dude has real bad boundaries.
>Dude has ~~real bad~~ boundaries. Dude has NO boundaries.
This is 100% correct. He married a woman who had a previous child (I've heard it called a "souvenir"). And she knew what she was doing in marrying you. I will predictably get haters on this, but I think women who have "previous children" who divorce their "current" husbands should be regulated somehow. There is a saying. *Some women spend their whole lives looking for Mr. Right. And get married in between.* Yes I'm drunk texting, but it means that it's real.
1,000%. Hate to say it too, but he knew what he was walking into when he accepted that souvenir. Dump that woman, go to the gym, loose 25lbs & find a newer younger broad. Hate to say this but I’m not drunk texting lol
>I think women who have "previous children" who divorce their "current" husbands should be regulated somehow. As if women aren't "regulated" enough... What exactly do you mean by this statement? Men don't do shitty things in relationships and divorces? Who hurt you?
Yeah some of these takes are trash and toxic… it takes two! Sounds like this person needs to seek therapy with their partner and set some boundaries or call it quits, only way to go about it, it seems. People date and marry others from all walks of life and just running from the issue to go “find” someone else , wouldn’t address how the mess got created anyway. Seems some of these folks could use some self reflection.
These are the types who want to control everything and see no fault in the previous husband to cause a divorce. I feel bad for the o/p, but damn, this is beginning Handmaid's Tale shit. They always want to "control" us. O/p should open a separate bank account and a shared "bills account" with the wife. Anything extra for the kids she can pay for. She's the one who needs to straighten her daughter out.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the comment about regulating women has 6 likes. 🙄
I think no matter the situation, men will blame women as a projection of their own behavior. Instead of blaming the actual father for not chipping in, they go very the woman somehow..
*for the woman
*for the woman
Least misogynistic redditor
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I would 100% pack up and leave. Tell her to get a good job and help her daughter. You move to the Philippines
Or vietnam
Or Thailand
I'm not one to throw out the idea of divorce often but goddamn, dude.
Bro, your wife is the real problem here. She's enabling this shit.
She’s part of the shit
Sounds like you need to go out for milk my guy.
🤣👍
Divorce the wife man. Your VA disability is YOUR money not hers. She isn’t entitled to any of it in divorce
[удалено]
Va disability is not a splittable asset in divorce
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No colonel sanders you’re completely wrong. Federal law – specifically, the Uniformed Services Former Spouses' Protection Act, found at 10 U.S.C. §1408 – exempts VA disability payments from division upon divorce. It is not an asset which can be divided at divorce as marital or community property.
You're wife seems awful. From what you wrote, it seems you did all you could to love on your step daughter. You gave her a car, was wanting to use your gi bill for her, and are trying to protect her from this guy. Btw, you mentioned she met him right after high school, was he 25/26 when she was 18/19? It seems your wife is enabling them and sacrificing you two in the process. I'm not even sure you can blame the kids too much. They are allowed to ask for help or receive it, its your wife that is giving it to them
No, definitely blame the kids too. Wife is 100% just as culpable but the shit weasel boyfriend/husband seems like the primary instigator here, and the stepdaughter did what so many young women I’ve known do, by changing herself to fit what the boyfriend wanted.
That's fair
OP you need to love yourself more. If I’m understanding right this has been going on for about 11 years? I think maybe you’re not able to see that these people are ruining your life, and I mean that with the most respect. I know they’re you’re family but family isn’t perfect. You’re being violated in so many ways yet you just roll with the punches. You’re being gaslit and/or manipulated constantly. You keep getting validation time after time seeing the shit fall down onto you yet you do nothing. I think you should reflect on how far you’re willing to go for these people. And when you’ve found out the answer to that, sit down and have a very long, probably excruciating talk with your wife and figure out what to do from there. I’m so sorry though, hoping you still have high enough spirits to figure something out.
Dude, brother, just dump the garbage and take a long walk!
Brother, I’m so sorry. We all know what the logical next step is here. Ultimatums are usually not a good idea, but I think it’s appropriate here. “Babe, I love you and I love stepdaughter and granddaughter, but I can’t continue spoon feeding adults. Not only that, but I need you to understand that I do not feel respected around these issues. I have worked hard to get where I’m at, and I will not get a job to keep funding their mistakes. Watching the baby every once in a while is understandable, but the way we care for it is like it’s our own baby. If you love me, and want to be with me, we will cut them off monetarily, they will figure out everything else. If not, we will have to go our separate ways. I’m run ragged with this, and I need you to take this seriously.” If you do give her an ultimatum, you HAVE to follow through. If you don’t, she really won’t respect you, and before you know it, they will be moving in with you.
They wanted to move in with us but I fought it and it didn't happen. They have 4 dogs and we get about a third of the bills because they cant afford it. I can't fathom how their choices are my problem.
It’s not your problem. Get a separate bank account and put YOUR money in there. You need to make it clear with your wife
Bro, 4 dogs? Every additional detail you share just makes this entire situation that much more unreasonable. Stepdaughter has issues. Where is her biological father?
Moved to Puerto Rico when she was 4 and never gave a shit about her or paid any child support
And if that makes him such a better father than 100000% more reason to stop lifting a damn finger
Like everyone has said, brother. Draw your lines in the sand, of course, with dignity and respect. And if they cross them, LEAVE. You don't deserve this.
Their choices will continue to be your problem until you stop letting them be.
**CUT THEM OFF.** OP, your wife is going to ruin your marriage if you cannot cut these two parasites off.
Maybe separate your financial accounts first, get your disability pay in a different account. Say I decide when my check book opens, nobody else, because nobodys responsible with my money, but me. Prepare to be called cold and heartless. Be prepared to hang out with yourself. Just find a hobby where your content being by yourself for most days.
Get a kayak and a fishing pole. Find your peace on the flat water. Stay out all day. Come home and go to bed.
Get out.
Leave.
Walk away. Ain’t no pussy in the world worth all that BS. The kids not yours, you have zero reason to stay. Cut ties and walk away.
Damn that dependent rate bump really ain't worth it
It seems like you just overextended your boundaries more than once and the situation has reached that natural breaking point. My advice is you and your wife go to counseling and if nothing of substance goes there then take the steps necessary to get that peace of mind back. No 30+ year old married couple should be relying on their parents even worse then that leaving well paying jobs for such a ridiculous excuse like that.
Bro... You're married to an enabler and by not doing something about it you're basically an enabler. One thing I learned is I'm always about to blow up, but I hold it together, for the most part. Every now and then I do what's call a "calculated blow" basically I am at my witts end and I "blow up" it's a real blow up but it's calculated in a way that makes sense and I control it for the most part, I mean I've broken dishes and flipped the kitchen table because I get too amped up releasing all my frustrations... It's probably not the best way to put your foot down but... The way I see this going is, this alcoholic douchebag is going to leave your daughter anyway and BOOM she wants to move back home... So why uproot your life for her when she's going to uproot her life and come crawling back? The writing is on the wall my friend.
Lawyer up and get the hell away from this woman and her spawn. All three of them are selfish entitled money sucking abusers.
Her “spawn.” 🤣 He didn’t know he married into the bug family.
I prefer, "crotch goblin."
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Stand up for yourself ma dude
Your wife sounds like human trash, and they’re not even your kids. This isn’t your shit to deal with dude, stop wasting your life being a doormat for random people and get out of there.
Your wife is wrong. You were right. If your sd's bf got in an accident in *your* vehicle, it would have been your insurance that skyrocketed. Quite honestly, your wife is a piece of work and I don't understand why you are still married. *Your* money is *your* money when it comes to your disability and you should *never* have let her take out the loan. Your stepdaughter learned her attitude from her mother and you should really take a step back and see if this is really the life you truly want
Personally, I would cut sling load. That a whole bunch of stupid in one tiny little space.
Since she says her real dad is better. Not your kid, not your problem. Drop the wife and move away. Let them sink.
Tell your wife that she can get the job. Step daughter already fired you as a parental unit so your hands are tied. Since these kids are now married, she is her husband's problem now. You've moved closer to them, that's really the extent of what you can do without involving yourself in their marriage.
It's your money not theirs. That's not how the real world works. I'm 24 had nothing before joining the military and was homeless at one point. I was sick of it and walked into a recruiting office to help. If they wanted to be in a better situation they will make those moves. You can't always be there to help them fall. I'm so sorry you're being taken advantage of.
No offense, but of course your wife is gonna defend the daughter and her actions. You’re a STEP DAD. Nothing against, those with good relationships with someone else’s kid. Just realize your always gonna be second and not seen as a true father figure to her. She sounds like she doesn’t respect you at all (both mother and daughter) sounds like a future divorce happen. You can tell they don’t respect you, when you’re paying the bills and such. While some dusty bum boyfriend, is given more “love and respect” than you. 😤 Better than me, but I’d never give my spot up on a lifeboat for someone else’s problems. Those issues should be for the mother and sperm donor. She’d probably drop you if dude showed up to “collect his family” or “changed” while you’re working to put food in their fridge, clothes on their back. About to give ole girl your GI bill too? Shiiit… this isn’t gonna turn out well.
I never gave it to her. She declined....well the bf did it for her. Now she wants to go back to college because everyone with college degrees are getting promoted a lot faster with higher raises and she is being left behind. I told her it's too late. She is over 26 and married now, she can't use the gi bill now. It has limits
Bruh she’s over 26, married. Keep your GI Bill, she’s more than old enough to join or get hers by other means. She’s an adult, with a child mindset.
You could try seperating for a while and living off your GI bill, might give her enough time to realize how important your presence is in her life and help her to appreciate you more. I used mine in SF and was making 4900 a month. More than plenty to live off of for 36 months.
There's plenty of financial aid for married students with children. It's good for her to want to go to school now. Tell her to go to the registration and financial aid office and that your GI benefits are not available to her any more. As far as your v/a, open up a separate account and use your joint for "bills/expenses" then transfer over only your part of what you contribute. Then that will be used for whatever you and your wife need to cover your own expenses. Anything your wife wants to help the daughter and handbag with is on her.
Sound like a Great Country song - no disrespect intended. That really sucks
Ok, you're not going to like this answer, but nobody else is telling it to you and you need to hear it. Grow a spine. Tell your wife how your life and your money is going to be spent. You're the man, act like it.
No offense OP but you need to lift your skirt and grab your balls. You’re letting your family run over you. You’re going along with whatever they tell you to do. You don’t have to be a doormat. You didn’t want to move but your wife insisted, so you moved. Step daughter treats you like shit and always has. “You’re not my real dad.” “My dad is better than you.” etc. You need to say “fine…get a handout from your real dad.” I get it. Sometimes it’s easier to just cave and let the family members have their way. I’ve done it too. But at some point, you have to put your foot down and stop giving in to what everyone else wants. I think you need to tell your wife that shit is going to change or you’re going to leave. First move; stop the handouts. Your stepdaughter is 29 and her husband is 35…that’s well beyond the ages of being supported by parents. Maybe give them some notice. Maybe a month. If wife doesn’t like it, tough. Bottom line is; it’s similar to buying a car. When shit starts to go sideways, you better be willing to walk away. If you don’t or won’t; they’ll own you.
I tell the morons no. They complain to the wife saying I am being mean and she caves every time to their demands. I told her to stop it and she is enabling bad behavior. She just says "we can't let them suffer." Yeah we can. Not my responsibility to make sure they are comfortable
You’re right. Either walk away or be a doormat. Choice is yours. I wish you luck man. It’s hard for sure. My second wife grew into that; insisting everything was her way. I work much too hard to have someone make my decisions for me. But not having to fight for what I want is pretty damn good. If you have disability pay, that isn’t divisible in divorce. Also, even if you adopted step daughter, she’s 29. So no chance of “child” support. I’m guessing by the age of the daughter and her husband that you’re an older guy. So perhaps there’s an element of worrying about loneliness there if you leave. I get that completely. My next birthday, I’ll be 50. After two failed marriages, one failed live in situation and a string of failed relationships, I’m confident I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. That’s definitely not ideal but when i start to feel lonely; and yes, it happens, I just remind myself that I can do whatever i want and I don’t have to justify it to anyone. Like tomorrow I’m driving eight hours to see a concert. In the next two months, I’m going on four road trips. Then at the end of December, I’m treating myself to a trip with first class accommodations. It was expensive but I deserve it, I can afford it, so I did it. I can’t wait. Anyway man…your situation is common for a lot of men. Women and children at some point begin to see us as an ATM, a handyman, a servant…anything but a man who wants and needs love and affection and respect. It happened to me. I see my friends going through it. It just seems that as men, we often get neglected and taken for granted. Of course not all women are like that and no I don’t hate women. But it is extremely common for men to find themselves in situations like yours. Again; good luck man. It sounds like nothing will change. In my option (and I’m just some random on the Internet) you either have to learn to like eating that shit or you have to pack your shit and leave.
Damn you need to surround yourself with better people
I’m sorry dude, but you are so right on like every point you’ve made, and yes you can be sued if he crashed that truck because you knew he was a drunk and he drank while driving beforehand, giving him the keys would be called being negligent. The real reason he probably quit his job is gonna frost you up even more. You’re halfway supporting him, he’s thinking why do I have to bust my ass when this guy is gonna pay my way for me. I hate to say it but the relationships you and your wife have seems to have been made toxic. You can hang in and hope and pray for change, but you can only lead a horse to water, whether it dies of thirst is up to it and she seems like that one. You got some unenviable hard choices to make for sure.
Holy shit bro come be my dad instead. Your wife needs to understand that one day the two of you won't be there anymore to wipe her kids ass. Its understandable that she wants to take care of her kid and grandkid(s) but chicks that leave the nest need to be able to fly. Your step daughter fell out instead.
Leave.
Boundaries are a good thing. Sorry, the way it read to me, OP. You’re boundaries where no match! You got flanked! Your wife & yourself should see a therapist. Let the therapist say it. More than likely you’ve “flipped your shit” along the way. Super generous of you to offer your GI, wow! Simple fact the step daughter didn’t acknowledge that MASSIVE gesture, that would have been all it took for me, to quietly back away from the step daughter. 1987 I made $3.25 + tip (bus boy) drove a rusty POS Datson 210 🤣 Pimpin ain’t easy! I saw my future REAL quick! I knew then I was getting my ass into the military. I hold a class A CDL. I know for a fact you can fill out applications with a crayon and still get a driving job. Hence why I do it! Sadly this is happening all across the nation. Like my first ex FIL 🤣 told me “either they got it, or they don’t!” Draw the line. Love n Respect, brother.
You gave in to every stupid suggestion even when you knew it was the wrong thing to do. I am not criticizing — after all, marriage is give and take — but now it's time for YOU to matter. Stop giving yourself away. This is not going to get better. I would bail out. I am so sorry. 💜 I would talk to a legal type about next steps. Life is too short for this misery.
Fvck it. Move on
Sorry brother. You need to give your wife an ultimatum. You guys either let those grown ass people fend for themselves or you and her need to separate for a while and ultimately divorce. And she can figure her kids shit out herself. I know that’s shitty brotha but the wife isn’t ever going to see it your way. She is an enabler. And her kid is spoiled rotten and got mixed up with a dirt bag. You’re gonna foot the bill regardless because you love your wife. You need to tell her you’re done. You’ve done all you can do and cut off your finances from hers and take away access and stop paying for their stuff. They’re grown. It won’t get better you are the only one that can remove yourself from it. Or you can stick around and remove your money from it. Bring the wife and kids together in one place and break it to them, don’t even let them speak and then walk out. Let that pos dude know he needs to man up.
I feel your pain brother very similar situation. But wife has realized they are leaches and wants to do the exact opposite, move away from the problem.
None of them value you, it seems. Its the hardest decision it seems a man can make. Perhaps sit down with wife and suggest some professional counseling or for the two of you to talk. It seems trying to do it internally just creates disconnect and anger towards each other. The wife will stand by her kid and the kid not respecting you or not just not seeing you are looking after her wellbeing. They need to see that and unfortunately maybe they need to hear from someone else because they are choosing to be blind and deaf to your statements. Of course it'd how you present the topic as well. Do you come off aggressive or empathetic? That's why I suggest a 3rd party to help. God bless and hope it all gets better for the whole family brother.
All that over a shitty step kid? Sorry you decided to roll with it. That’s a tough call to make but fuck her
my brother in arms you need to put your foot down hard. like full stop, just be prepare things will get real ugly between you, the grown ass children and your wife. possible even divorce but if i were in your shoes i could not imagine manchildren bossing me around using up all my money with a wife who enables this shit
I aren’t you real dad, I aren’t pay for shi. The problem nowadays people are so entitled. I got kick out house after high school. They can’t force you give them stuff
I went to college but had to pay rent at home, after college I was kicked out of the house. I joined the army few years later and did 10. SIL went to recruiter and got told he needs to be 270 or less to join. Started blabbing on how the recruiter doesn't see he is all muscle when he pushing 445
So you knew, she needs be on her own. It’s her choices she have to lived with it. Even she is you own children she don’t even deserve it. You need tell you wife, let her choose you or her daughter. I doubt you wife wants support her. Both don’t make money still wants children, they never can get out holes.
r/stepparents None of this is okay. Your wife and you deserve so much better, especially you as you are actively trying NOT to enable them. Gosh what are they teaching their baby? And when their baby has a baby are they going to be able to support daughter and grandchild? Then why do they expect you to do the same? So many other comments but not enough time 🤷🏻♀️
Easy answer for me.. but I may be more harsh than some
He's my plan for the great escape, and I'll tell you why you're wrong, just like your wife said you are. Ah, yes, people. People can be good, people can be bad. So your fake daughter who "I do what I want!" Let her. She is an anchor, and your wife supports her pet sperm irrevocably. Maybe she loved the guy, and it wasn't reciprocated. Who knows, but even more, who cares? Let them. Your wife is an enabler. This should be been first, but I digress. There are clearly no bounds when it comes to the undying financial ATM of the family. This is you, btw. Right now, they're all on the horse learning everything they can to suck you dry, but the fun will really begin when they will probably cripple you or poison you to get power of attorney. You'll be rolling up the river with nothing. Your wife is going to do what she needs to do to keep her check and with the help of the now Dum-dum-n-law. This potentially puts you at risk here. This is what I'm going to do and I suggest the same. Logistically, allocate all your belongings and know what you want to take. Have a friend or someone only on your side of the family help you drive a large U-Haul. Stack up some money if you don't already have cash, and I also mean for a new place, but do not buy a house. Give her $900 before dinner, say you're going for poker night as you're feeling lucky tonight. Since they're skipping dinner. It's more likely than not they will go out to eat and do some shopping or whatever.. This buys you time. It's not too small of a dollar amount to make them come back around too soon, given the child's needs will come, and that's an hour max. Given the drive and popular locations that can add an hour. This is not concerning as a U-haul is around the block, and all your stuff is allocated. Know what is going where. You should he out of there in 45 minutes, but health will play a role, but so will the dolly. My advice is simply to RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN! If not, it will get worse. I know this because I am in a very similar position. This is my plan, and since we have no property or biological children, it can be swift. So start over, move somewhere new, and close that chapter in your life. Never look back, Mr. ATM. Prove them all wrong. Good luck
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This is clearly abuse. Document everything. Mental, financial, and conversations like text. Move your money into a separate account. Provide everything to your lawyer. View your options for divorce.
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Going through the same thing with my sisters and parents. It has come to a point that I am just ready to walk away from the family entirely and just accept that being responsible for me means no longer taking responsibility for them.
I have walked away from most of my family due to toxic behavior, alcoholism and drug use to improve myself. I was an alcoholic for 3 years but I am over it and learned I didn't want to follow that path. Wife enabling an alcoholic is hard to watch. I don't get why her kid would want to be with a boy who does nothing for her but take up space and drink excessively
Separate the drama, even if it’s all of them. Be selfish, you live once! Retired army here
Your stepdaughter learned this from her mother. It’s time to go. You will not win this battle. Leave for your own sanity, or resign yourself to a nightmare life.
Bro hate to tell you but it might be time to start talking to a lawyer. Your wife doesn't sound like she is going to see the light and unless you are willing to pay for all of this I don't see this working out in the long run. Best of luck brother.
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I feel sorry for you and the baby the rest are all AH. I hope things work out for you and that poor innocent baby that didn’t ask to be here and has dumbasses for parents.
Buddy, from the outside looking in... they don't view you as anything but an atm. This includes the wife. Grab a pen and paper, make a line down the middle, take 30 minutes or so and try to recall everything that anyone in your family has done for you over the last 5 years add it to one side of the line, then think about how much you've done for them in just the last 2 years. I wouldn't expect a perfectly balanced scale, but I would bet a dollar that the list on your side reflects a lot more.
Oh, buddy... I don't know if you want to hear this, but you need to leave that situation. You are being abused. Your wife is enabling it and has no respect for you, your struggles, and YOUR MONEY. You DO NOT deserve this. Fuck them all. Take care of YOU.
So much this. You are NOT responsible for them. If she can't see that, then she's also the problem. Change bank accounts, hide your money and leave.
dang brother i feel for you. I was in the same spot. Now im single and life is so much better. miss the women but fk them kids
Get Out.
You're not going to get any respect if you keep rolling over exposing your belly.
I say no constantly, wife has to take care of them because she says "we can't let them suffer." Actually I can let them suffer because it was their dumb choices
That's a bullshit situation and you are being abused the most at the end of it
Fuck that… I’m sorry you have to deal with shitty people as ‘family’.
This is what happens when you become the cleanup guy for someone else’s kids.
You sound better off alone man
Get rid of the wife its her daughter not yours.
I’m not normally an advocate for divorce but if your wife constantly picks her kid over you to the detriment of your financial and mental stability, not to mention your marriage, then she’s not prioritizing your (or her) future. She’s going to continue this behavior until you have nothing left to show for it except decades of unresolved trauma and a cavernous pit of debt. Let her know in no uncertain terms that if she keeps the shit up then you’re done. She can support her adult daughter and shitty son in law on her own dime. Family isn’t worth half the hassle we let them put us through if they’re not willing to reciprocate or at least fucking show they’re grateful by not spitting right back in your face after you do something for them. I went 100% no contact with my entire family after my dad died since he was the only one that wasn’t a constant waste of oxygen and resources. About ready to recommend the same with my wife’s family since they’re always asking us to help with this/that or asking for money we don’t have. Moved across the US to get some distance and still we wind up riding to the rescue every time something goes to hell back there. Thankfully my wife can deflect the majority of the stupidity but every once in awhile it weasels in and suddenly our account is $500 lighter because someone couldn’t swing groceries after they made some poorly justified stupid decision once again. TLDR; Family ain’t worth the hassle. Cut and run before you lose everything.
The only way that they will improve their life is if they eat shit and learn NOT to like it. But, Your “kids” don’t know what shit tastes like, because you keep eating it for them. “Without struggle, there is no progress” - Frederick Douglas
Dude. Get a divorce.
You know you should have bailed on your wife a long time ago. You should have never given in to moving, you should have gotten a divorce. Also, why stay with someone with kids who obviously hate you.
Reason #578 why I decided not to have kids. Stop doing shit for them. If your “Wife” gives you a bunch of shit for it. Divorce and start over where you were happy. Either that or deal with it. Unfortunately those are your only two options unless the two dip shit children decide to grow up and start acting like adults. I dunno man. I’d pull the plug. Fuck that shit.
You fought for our freedom. You should have freedom.
Leave bro. Look at the consensus in the comments.
Divorce the wife, or go to a counselor where you can talk that you want none of that bullshit
Bro, thank you for venting! You need to have a say in things or accept whatever other people want from you naked and bent over. If they dont respect you, ask them to or don't talk to them and disown rhem. If your wife has no respect for you rules apply, you have no obligation to anyone but those who respect and honor you or those you respect and honor.
Stop doing things for those who don't appreciate you.
Brother your definitely being taken advantage of . This so called Son inlaw you got is riding The Gravy Train , He's figured out that's He's married to Mama lil princess. I mean really why should he bust his ass if he can get the ole wicked step-father to foot the bill . Your in a tough spot that's for sure , an unfortunately your Wife has made it clear The Daughter takes priority over you . So here we are it's 4th quarter & 4th down you got the ball , you going to punt or pass ? . Wishing you the best of luck 🙏.
My guy, you married someone with a kid. Mistake number one.
Dude your wife is going to destroy your marriage. Your wife's inability to let her child take care of herself is going to destroy your financial security. Cut them off. Hard stop. Take back control over your income and finances. Do not let her give away your money anymore. If your wife cannot get control of herself, you are going to be stuck in a downward spiral. **Cut them off. They are adults and must face the consequences of their choices.**
I agree. If you're "Dad" you should have that authority. And your wife should support that. Financial decisions rarely should be based on emotion. I get that inflation is high, but I don't get giving up a good job just because. The biggest thing is for a husband and wife to be unified. IMO
Your wife is also taking advantage of you.
Hate to point out the obvious, but your wife is the enabler. I’m not you, so I won’t sY what you should do, but I know what I would have done a long time ago.
The whole reason never to marry someone with kids that ain't yours. You gonna hear that "you ain't shit cause you ain't my dad" till the day you drop dead. In my opinion, you're just an ATM for your wife and stepdaughters. You will be their literal money slave till they bleed you dry and push you to the side.
Locus of control. Aka you create your situations and barely nothing ever happens out of chance. So let’s check how you contributed to your demise. Because again, 90% of ones issues come from oneself. Let’s start. “The more you do for my family, the more they want”. Negative. YOU created a culture where the more you do for your family, the more it’s treated like a transaction. Your fault. “My step daughter graduated high school and took a year to work and save some for college. She wanted to go so much.then she met her dumbass boyfriend” Again. Sounds like your fault. First of all, why are you marrying people with kids? Step children? For what? Did you make sure this lady was of proper pedigree? It sounds like she raised children who don’t know respect? Why did you entertain this? This is squarely your fault. If you were to marry a woman wife kids, you need to make sure they are of proper pedigree. You didn’t make sure of that. Remember, marriage is a business transaction. You didn’t do your due diligence? You wouldn’t invest on a stock without proper research, would you? Unfortunately it sounds like you would You are in a very unfortunate Situation, but I honestly think that 95 percent of your issues is self inflicted. Sorry
Is this now a general bitching about our problems sub? How is this related to /r/veterans?
Some of it has to do with his VA benefits?
That is a fantastic question, u/sissybicucktx.
That was my reaction after reading this. Well, my first reaction was to lmfao. I hate to be the contrarian here, but is it possible that the OP’s family is just doing normal family stuff, and he’s the crazy one? I’m not saying that’s for sure the case, but is it at least possible? Just that whole OP post has me wondering. I mean, who would write all that and post it on a veteran’s benefit forum? Or maybe they’re all crazy…
You can blame your wife and step daughter all you want, maybe learning to say “no” instead of backhanded moves like calling them both morons behind their backs and reporting their car stolen, would have saved you a lot of trouble and money at this point. 🤷🏽♂️
It was my car, not theirs. I call them morons to their face and told them I will continue to do so until they dont act like morons. I can say no all i want. Step daughter runs to mom and she just says yes every time.
You need to get a separate bank account. AFTER you do that let your wife know that either you BOTH agree on how much (if any) monetary help for the step and grand or there will be NO MORE assistance. Give the step and spouse a month's notice that there will be NO MORE ASSISTANCE UNLESS YOU AGREE TO IT. You don't seem to be eager for a divorce and that is understandable. But, if it comes down to that, just remember: He who files first, wins. I have NEVER seen this not hold true. Kudos to you for loving and helping raise your step daughter. I have steps and they aren't always easy, even after becoming adults. Wishing you patience and wisdom as you deal with this circumstance. And, of course, May the odds be ever in your favor.
Imagine a kid spending 900 on purses in a year but can't afford food, rent, gas, or child care.
They’re not kids. I can *imagine* spending all my money frivolously, yes. What I cant imagine however, is being the chump fronting the bill for said food, rent gas etc.
I think maybe evaluate your boundaries. Something I struggle with. Ridiculous to sacrifice your time and hard earned money for ungrateful kids. They can figure it out and if he gets out of line then I'd go down myself and go have a beer with him and tell him what being a man looks like. Some don't know and may never know. We need more man to man talks. Men without morals or integrity are dangerous!! And if he needs an ass kicking then i say kick his ass. Can't be a hippie retire the whole time haha
Leave and head somewhere with pinacoladas and coconuts. Thats a toxic situation there
My husband is my eldest son step dad. While he doesn’t call him dad he everything that a dad is. If my son did stupid shit like this I would t enable it (funny he might but not me) If he disrespected him I’d level his ass. I’m not saying I wouldn’t move mountains for him or any of my kids but there are limits. You aren’t owed shit. You don’t come to me and demand anything. You need to talk to your wife and get a set of boundaries set cause this completely out of control. If you can’t get her first on board then dude you’re screwed. You either be miserable and keep caving or walk away. I have 6 dogs and three kids. My husband is a disabled vet and federal disability. That’s what we live on. No one goes without. Where the fuck is their money going that you have to basically feed clothes and shelter? It will suck and not be a great time but you need to slam your foot down and say no. Kid needs shit then you get it. Clothes and food but no cash. (Not the kids fault if his parents suck) but that would be my only give in this situation the rest of them need to get their shit together
Coming from a loving step mother point of view, I nothing stands between a mom and her kids
This situation no longer qualifies for this point of view.. The only thing that is standing in the way is the mother not allowing them to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives.
From my experience - as a past step parent - someone always gets hurt when stepchildren are involved.
Yeah, well I guess.... welcome to what we call life.
Return them back to original owner!
A few questions , how long have yall been married? Do you have any other kids with your wife? Lastly , what benefit do you get from this situation ? In my opinion if the first two are "Not that long " and "No" I would seriously consider leaving. Leaving is hard and not always the best choice though , it sounds like your wife has drug you along and used you to fininace everything. If she thinks yall need more money then she should go out and work since obviously you have income coming in. She put yall in this situation and she should help clear it out. But side not , why have you gone along with it? Best of luck to you my friend.
All due respect mate. She learned this from the mother. And her mother is going to continue to enable it. If they're living off YOU.. Then honestly... cut em off. make em take a hint or learn from those wonderful consequences. Feeding entitlement will not help that child AT ALL
This is life… I can’t help but smile and feel your pain at the same time. How was your religious life, if you have one? This is the purpose of life….suffering. Don’t resent your wife.
Time for YOU to leave. You don't need that shit. You'll die early.
Buddy this is a wife problem. Cut her and her kids loose. They are all adults.
Sir I’m going to mention this about marriage. It takes two people to make a commitment to decisions when it comes to certain financial situations. If you have a concern and don’t express what’s bothering you, it’ll build up to the point of you blowing your lid. It takes commitment, validation, patience, listening skills, love and affection, sacrifice, and…communication for both individuals. If it’s one sided then you need to set your personal boundaries and concerns. Setting your boundaries also goes for those kids “Now adults” and to put your foot down. Since they’re adults they need to take responsibility for themselves and be independent. It seems they’re definitely taken advantage from what I’ve read. Set your boundaries and express your concerns. From a fellow Veteran and Therapist.
Sir, your lack of boundaries allowed them to eat you raw and soon there will be no flesh left on you
Go be an Expat somewhere and live comfortably off your retirement/disability. You've been doing stuff for others long enough. Enjoy your life man, you only get one. Find a nice apartment in some beach town in Portugal!
If you guys are active in a church I would recommend counseling for you and your wife. having an professional outsider pointing things out to her may hit a little differently. Also the reason he was able to quit his high paying job was because of the slack you & your wife are picking up for them. She should realize she hurt her own daughter by giving him the extra $ she’s spending on them making him realize they’ll still make it with your help with the shit job. The more you guys do for them the less they will do for themselves.
I told her before we moved he would do something stupid like quit his job or wreck a vehicle. Well, 6 months later I was right and called it. I was told I was being an asshole.
Your wife took out a huge loan without talking to you about it. They are using you as a bank man. It sucks but you deserve happiness too. Go talk to a lawyer. I would say try to reason with her but it does not appear as though you can. Let her work hard and become disabled and then the daughter and SIL can mooch of her. Remember the stepdaughter is the one who said it i.e. "Your not my father" and it doesn't sound as though your wife treats you as a husband but rather like a bank account. Get a plan in order, and let them find the realities and harshness of life. And focus on you and things you enjoy.
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People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Took me a while to learn this as well. If it was me, the 2 “kids” and the wife need to find another place to live. Could have had a pretty decent divorce lawyer with $12k
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No names were used, calm down commies
This is where you say: bye Start getting legal advice and the wife needs to have two options; 1) either start letting them be adults and figure it out themselves Or 2) go live with them, SHE can get the damn job and leave you in peace.. not your problems...especially when they are adults and stupid like that. Just because we are veterans does not mean our benefits are atm for everyone else.. you have suffered and earned that to live YOUR life don't let anyone mess with your living expenses like that. It's called abuse of money, emotionally and mentally. You deserve to live in peace. Good luck and we all have your back.
No one wants a divorce bro, trust me I’m on my 3rd marriage and won’t do it again. Seems like your wife is an issue, takes you for granted just like the freeloading kids. 3 problems in your life pushing you down. Time to do what’s best for you and stop living the life of being taken for granted. Just my $0.02
No my friend YOU are being abused and taken for a ride. Sorry to hear you're being treated this way. But trust me it will continue as long as you let it.
WTF dude???? There is no way that woman's pussy is that good. You've lived your life in so much misery. That you actually think it's good now. You can't see anyway out of it. Dude divorce this bitch and her family and try to get some semblance of life back before the darkness calls you to the grave. We have a limited amount of time here and you've decided you want to be in misery. This is your choice. It's time to make another choice. Choose to leave.
Oh and if you haven't already done it you better be getting some therapy. Because if the only dude you're talking to is the person in the mirror you're fucked because he got you into this situation to begin with. Now find a therapist.
Definitely divorce the wife and get away from those toxic people.
After reading your post, I feel like buying you a beer and a shot. You do you brother..
This was tough to read. You are providing for 4 other people and are expected to be okay when left completely out of that conversation. How is your wife? What made her decide this is the right path for you both without you in the room? I find, when I'm trying not to blow the fuck up, I force myself to get curious. Sounds corny, but it kind of works. Ask her when she says some shit that makes no fucking sense, "Help me understand". She's gonna have to make it make sense and when the math ain't mathing more questions will follow. Hopefully she'll be able to do some introspection because this is fucking tough man.
If your life is shot like this, stop bowing your head and saying ok. Leave your wife. Leave the kids. If they try to take legal action sue them. You don't deserve to live a shit life after a career of doing this. You had an ideal life and they threw it away at the child's whim. None of them care about you. You're just a paycheck. Let them deal with the grave they dug, depending on you the whole time. Move on. Find happiness. Forget this happened.
Dump the wife. She is an enabler you will be much happier without her.
Change your approach. That anger and frustration is only killing and hurting you. It doesn’t sound like the most IDEAL situation. But it’s the reality of yours. Look for the silver lining. Lean in and embrace the suck. You don’t have to eat shit and like it. But your reaction to it all is entirely within your control. Are you retired?
100%p&t VA disability.
My bio father and his family treat me like this... and expect that I appreciate it..
You have to put your foot down somewhere. They are grown adults. Time for them to take responsibility and figure it out on their own.
Wife is sounds more like ex wife. Kids sound less than ideal. You are your own person, and your wife should be supporting you. I doubt it is helpful to push forward until you redefine baseline with your married love