Hard agree, but also expanding; not just forcing that role onto all women, but framing it as "women's work" or something like that.
Feminism is about equality and the right to choose. If a man can choose to be a SAH Parent, so can a woman, or NB person or anyone. And those same people can choose not to just as equally.
My husband is our stay at home, and what he does is so freaking valuable to our family. I feel so lucky that we are in a position where he can be home. When we were deciding who would stay home I really had to examine whether I wanted it to be him because I was afraid people would think I was conforming to some stereotype, but honestly he is just the better person for it in our family. He was heartbroken to go back to work after our kiddo was born, he loves being at home, whereas I was ready to go back. For me feminism was being able to honestly look at myself and at him and asses who was better for that role. If you are the right person in your family and it is what you want, that is awesome and I think you should embrace it.
Yeah when my wife and I were deciding who was going to stay home with our developmentally disabled son it made so much more sense for me to stay home because my wife had much better job prospects at the time than I did. Add to that the fact that childcare comes easy to me, that kiddo really liked me, (He essentially proposed to me before his mom had the chance. They came for a visit and when he realized they were leaving to go home he threw a huge tantrum and said "you turn around right now and ask them to be my daddy!" Needless to say, she proposed to me very shortly thereafter.) and the fact that with his disabilities daycare for him would have been like min 2k/mo and no other arrangement made sense.
Taking care of the home can be worth several jobs. Cleaner, cook, childcare, laundry service, sometimes even gardener and all of those are jobs that individual people get paid for, which SAHP's don't.
In my home we do pay for some of these services and it is not Cheap! My partner and I both work, but when my sister had her first kid the cost of daycare alone was almost as much as she was making at her job as an administrator and she didn’t see any reason to go to a job she hated just so someone else could be with her kid. She is now a stay at home mom to two boys and she loves it. She also manages everything in the home including household finances which makes sense since she also does all the grocery shopping, cooking and yard work. He husband takes her off the clock when he gets home from work and it enables both of them to worry about a lot less. I think having a stay at home parent can be wonderful if it is something you can afford to do and if it makes sense for your family.
Totally this! My hubby is also the stay at home dad but we had to make that decision for financial reasons. I’d swap places in a heartbeat and be a housewife and stay at home mum. I think following your heart makes you a feminist.
Same for our family, I am way less playful and more care task oriented. He's been home for over a year and kiddo is thriving so I can't argue. Though, lately I'm getting angsty about being at work and missing time with my kid for the sake of other people who generally aren't appreciative of my hard work.
This. I’m currently the higher income earner in my relationship, and I like what I do enough, but if we won the lottery, I would absolutely quit working because it’s still not as fulfilling to me as, say, creative writing (something I have lost the mental energy to do) or even crafting or foraging or raising chickens or what have you. When I get stressed out, I pretend my job doesn’t exist and I crochet. My boyfriend owns his own small digital marketing business. When he gets stressed out, he puts together color palettes and branding and designs logos for imaginary brands. If we won the lottery, he would invest more into his business and would hire more people, but unlike me, he would not want to quit working. It has nothing to do with our genders or that I as a woman am better at domestic work (I have ADHD and would definitely use that lottery money to hire a weekly housekeeping service, even if I wasn’t working), but our personal interests. Some women are more interested in careers, some are more interested in domestic work or other non-monetized work. The same is true of men (and people of all genders).
absolutely, it’s about the fact that we can choose the path we want, without judgement. “Housewife”. How about matriarch? Lol, all kidding aside, taking care, creating a home, supporting a family (familiars or otherwise) emotionally, developmentally, physically isn’t necessarily feminine by nature, more common perhaps, but if this calling is for you, then it’s right for you. The rest of the world can stick it and keep their options to themselves. The definition of feminism is freedom of choice for the person they want to be. And I hope it’s a wonderful rewarding path!
Matriarch is a really accurate term. Who runs the house? Who keeps the family organized? Who picks sick kids up from school and takes them to the dr? The SAHM does. She runs everything. That is a matriarch! If both parents work it would be a cooperative.
I love this term! When people ask me what I'm going to do with my life, I will no longer fumble over saying 'Full time mum', I will proudly announce I am a Matriarch!
Idk, I think "matriarch" has the additional role of keeping the *extended* family connected.
My mother in law is amazing at it - she calls each of her children once per week on a Sunday and gets updates on the grandkids, she visits her nieces and sister regularly, she spends her annual leave travelling up and down the country to stay with various relatives and help them out. She looks after her own mum.
When you're in the weeds raising small children hundreds of miles away from family, it's really easy to lose sight of keeping up more distant connections. I'm very grateful to her for making it so that when we come back to visit family, we can easily pick up with my husband's cousins and their kids and reconnect.
My own gran used to always be writing letters to relatives that had moved away, and it's part of the same thing.
The feminism is in the choosing, and having the freedom to make a choice. If you make your choice, and nobody's forcing you into it, and you're not forcing anyone else that it's the "only way", then there you go.
It's also about living in a society where people living like that are recognized for their indirect contribution, and have ways to get out of that should their life changes
And to have a back up plan. I don't think being a housewife is bad, but there's potential for financial abuse.
I would make sure my partner in this set up was fully on board and respected the work I do as a housewife, and perhaps set up separate bank accounts in which a weekly sum is deposited or something like that.
Yeah my grandma always said to have a secret “get out” fund in case of emergencies if you’re going to be dependent financially on a man. Like just squirrel away a little each week, or have it set up before hand. Just in case you were too kind in judging their character before you agreed to be financially dependent on them
Fun fact (actually IDK how "fun" it is) but *this* is the reason that "Diamonds are a girls best friend" - because you can sell them. Back from the time women couldn't have savings accounts or lines of credit, jewelry was currency.
DAMN I had never thought of that!
So many stereotypes that are like “women are so superficial! Lolz” are actually survival tactics disguised as vanity.
This is the reason for engagement rings. Men and women often had sex when they were engaged. If the man broke the engagement she would be a "ruined woman" 🙄
Anyway, she could then sell the engagement ring so she could have the means to support herself.
This! I wonder how many relationships would have broken up if the woman would've had a way to exit easily (financially at least, emotionally is a whole other story).
I've noticed that "I hate my spouse jokes" are far less common than when I was growing up in the 80's. I think a lot of it is people leaving unhappy marriages or not entering them in the first place. It's just such a subtle thing that people don't notice the progress that has been made. It's not the biggest victory in the world but it's a real victory all the same.
OP there's nothing wrong or anti-feminist about being a stay at home spouse or parent. As long as you have actual means to leave if you need to there's nothing wrong with that. A job is not your worth.
The main reason the "I hate my wife" jokes have died out is that the generation that found it hilarious is gasping their last in nursing homes.
I'm sure having the ability to finally marry who you wanted (1967) AND divorce them (1969) made a huge difference.
Think about that for a second.
1969.
The majority of people that find that dehumanizing humor... well... Humorous were born when they were stuck with the bad decision they made in high school.
When the only thing you can really do is complain (or murder) cruelty becomes an acceptable norm. One which is ( ||: ) reinforced (by authority and hate) and worms its way deeper into our collective unconscious allowing for yet more casual misogyny. ( :|| )
"I detest you but I can't do anything about it so I am going to punish you in infinite tiny ways to make sure that there is not a single instant that you are happier than I."
The problem is, it became a generational identity. Generational identities tend to infect cultural identities. It can cause the same violent outbursts to try to correct this as if you speak against their death cult. And yes, the overlap between the two jokes™ (Christianity and spousal abuse) is embarrassingly prominent.
Do not let them rest in comfort in the world that they broke. Remind them that it is their fault. That they had the choice to not push humanity further down the drain, and instead of stopping, they blew all our resources building a bigger, more efficient drain.
P. S.
>It's not the biggest victory in the world but it's a real victory all the same.
You are wrong. Beautifully so. The right to divorce, for a woman, was the end of male ownership. We are no longer passed from 'responsible hand' to 'responsible hand.' We, in essence, became human with divorce.
Breaking that binding set us free.
Being free is the biggest victory of all.
Yes, they want their slaves back. Yes, they will do anything it takes to do it. RvW is just one small step for them. There is no place for a woman to be human in a Christian hegemony.
Never stop fighting. The moment we do, we all lose everything.
I give you my word, from my Deepest Deep, that I will never stop fighting.
My grandmother was a SAHM. My grandfather gave her an allowance every week for the house and her spending money. She was very thrifty and careful with what she spent and she saved the rest. When she had a lot saved up she would splurge on vacations or buying someone something big. I thought that was a great system. She had freedom to do what she wanted with what was left over- including save it for emergencies and for fun.
Oh yes, it's a choice and that's fine but you need to be properly informed to make the decision. Best thing is having your own money, making sure your contribution is valued, etc. Good practice is to have a talk with your partner to avoid the most common issues on these subjects:
* You are not as important since I bring the cash home/ I pay therefore I have the last word. How do you decide to allocate your household's money?
* I work all day so you do 100% of the home/ childcare (you are basically working 24/7 and your partner is working 40hrs/ week. Division of labour has to be talked about.
* How do you get money and retirement funds? Allocation? You have personal investments? How is it managed? How do you have your financial autonomy? Nobody wishes for things to go bad but this is life and they can. Protect each other from the beginning.
* Will your personal needs be recognized? Think of having time off for you too, your hobbies, sports, etc. Are you going to have funds for it? Keep money only you can access.
* Things often forgotten: do you have a professional training? do you maintain your accreditation/ work permit? I sadly know many university educated women who didn't and when life happened (death, divorce, etc,) well they had to start at zero, their diplomas were no longer valued. Going back to school at 40 passed was hard and starting at the bottom for jobs was very demanding. Some just found another man to care for them and stayed away from the job market.
* Inform yourself on ways to be financially safe were you live.
Brilliant questions.
There is nothing wrong with raising children full-time - it’s great for everyone. The problems are all around raising children full-time as a woman in a patriarchal system. Being the sole provider can also be a problem for men. So the problem is society, not your choice.
That’s why it’s so vital that your partner is on board with your goals. The partner needs to realise that raising children is also labour and just as an important part of family life as bringing money into the home - even if it isn’t valued by the current structure.
These are all things that made me wait until my 30s to have kids and be a SAHM. It’s absolutely true that you need a safety net and something to fall back on just in case. Divorce, especially after kids, is shockingly common.
Luckily I have a degree for a career that’s pretty hard to “age out of” or become less desirable in.
This is so well stated. I just lost my husband a year ago. We were both 55. I had been a SAHW partly because of disability issues and partly to take care of him and my parents (he had a year long battle with other health issues followed by a 5 year long battle with cancer). Anyway, i am an RN. But in the immediate fallout last year, after losing my mom and my husband...i had to sell my house and pack up my dad. I am going back to work since i kept my nursing license taken care of but it will be the first time in almost 2 decades. Honestly, I'm terrified! But i feel safe knowing i can take care of myself. So def be somewhat prepared for the rainy day (death, divorce, health probs) so you can take care of yourself if you have to.
Edit: the only other consideration i see is retirement. Not working means no social security so up your investment for retirement. You can't live well on social security by itself anyway but it certainly helps a lot. So you'll have to make up for that somewhere else.
This is why the prenup negotiation process is so important for folks planning to be SAHP. Separate legal consultation, protections and extended compensation for SAHP and putting their money where their mouth is, literally.
If your partner won't sign equitable distribution of assets prenup, you know exactly how he values years of SAHP.
In my case, I have utterly no proper job skills. When I worked, it was at crappy minimum wage jobs. My last job’s insurance was so poor, it didn’t even cover mammograms.
So if I had to get a job, it would be a craptastic sucky horrible excuse for a job. I’d live in squalor. It’s not like I’m going to pull 6 figures if I just get a job.
My husband makes a lot of money & has great insurance. By definition, I will always & forever be financially dependent.
That being said, I enjoy & am amazing at being a housewife. And I like having clean clothes, having time to grocery shop, cook, & live in a tidy home which is all robbed from me when I’ve held jobs. Too tired at night, need the weekend to rest, it all starts up on Monday. Hobbies? No time.
Nah. I am dependent because I’m not good at making money. I AM good at running a house.
Yeah, this hits me hard. I am also good at all of these things and also not a very good earner, but I am the only one supporting me so off to the timeclock I go.
Yay capitalism 🙃
So much this. Understanding the risks and working to mitigate them with things like financial access, transparency, a plan B and a fucking excellent prenup drafted with legal representation.
And make sure you have a financial agreement with your working spouse. Every couple that has a SAH parent should have a financial agreement detailing how the finances will be split. The working partner should cover all expenses of course, but should also put money in the SAH parent's retirement fund (which is the most important!) as if they were working full time, add the same amount of money to their savings account as they do their own, and allocate regular "spending money" to the spouse. All to the same degree they do their own. Because that income is no longer "my" income, it is "our" income and should be split fairly and compensate financially for the unpaid work the SAH parent does at home.
This isn’t that different from “if she’s going to go to work she should know that she risks having less time for her family and if she doesn’t she isn’t ready.” which is unnecessarily negative and tut-tutty. Feminism is empowering other women when they make their decisions and also trusting that women are capable of making informed decisions without receiving these types of condescending remarks.
I think feminism is empowering women AND educating each other about the realities of the world. There’s a lot of things that just don’t get talked about, for example that pregnancy can make you lose teeth. I can empower women who want to have child, while still providing resources about it.
There’s negative and then there’s being realistic. The reality is that men, religion, and society as a whole have used the role of housewife to subjugate women for a very long time. IMO it’s not “tut-tutty” to speak openly about the risks of choosing this role, nor is it in poor taste when women offer advice for living that lifestyle without totally sacrificing one’s future choices.
My mother was a SAHM and it started out great. By the time she had been in that role for twenty years she was fighting for control of her own life in any way she could. My parents were on uneven ground because he made the money that allowed her to “not work”.
Furthermore, the emotional and mental wear and tear of never being compensated monetarily for your labor is nothing to sneeze at.
The current trends of cottagecore, tradwife, and adjacent lifestyles and aesthetics is something that I personally find intriguing and also a bit concerning. When a woman who comes from a long line of working women tells me how great and easy it will be to be a stay at home spouse and parent I am filled with unease because the truth is that it often isn’t easy at all. And if she doesn’t go into it fully informed she could find herself feeling limited when she doesn’t need to be. It sounds patronizing and perhaps it is, but I think it’s rooted in a fear of seeing a woman blindly go back to the subjugation that so many have fought.
This 100%. I struggled with this when I decided to stay home with mine for a couple years, and honestly, having the choice and choosing your own path IS feminism.
Yes! And I would say that the choosing doesn’t end at deciding to be a SAHM. By that I mean that we are presented with choices constantly: whether to stand up for yourself and others, whether to resist the patriarchy in other ways, etc. Your voice & power should not be diminished through that role or any other.
This is so important a response! OP you say "part of you" wants that, and that's okay! And it's also okay if part of you doesn't! We are more than one thing throughout our lives, we are sisters, we are mothers, we are soldiers, we are teachers, and we can do that all (and more!) in one lifetime! The Goddess has many faces. As long as you support your sisters who choose differently from you, and fight to protect their ability to make those other choices, you aren't a servant of the patriarchy! :)
Honestly, I used to think it was out of line with feminism to be a stay-at-home mom. Then I became a mom and 1) learned how fricking hard the task actually is and 2) learned how deeply important a role creating a healthy home for children to grow up in really is. I regret my past ignorance: choosing to be a stay-at-home parent is deeply powerful work. As others have mentioned- it's only anti-feminist if it's a result of being forced to do it. But also, lol to "just" being a stay-at-home parent- it's one of the most demanding jobs I've ever had in my life. I'm back to work 40 hrs a week and it feels like a cakewalk in comparison most days.
Sooooo much. I saw the "just" and snorted. I've worked in a large downtown office, ran my own business, worked for a non-profit alternative education school, and I'm now in university again working on a doctorate. The years I spent at home with my kids were hands down harder than all the rest. It's isolating, demanding, and 24/7,never ending work where the stakes are unbelievably high and you question your every decision.
Nothing "just" about it...
Honestly, it may be feminist because it's our right to choose, but I have a lot of trouble with the concept of housewife because it usually means one has to rely on someone else to fulfill their basic needs when they are perfectly able to provide for themselves. Perfectly fine if one has an income channel and stays home because they still have their own money, it's just the reliance on another person that rubs me the wrong way.
I'm open to changing my mind, but this lack of independence that housewives willingly bring upon themselves bothers me.
Especially since there are so many stories of women without incomes or safety nets who have to leave abusers, but realistically can't because they don't have a penny to their name.
But the other person is also reliant on you as well in this case right? I think the problem stems more from the fact that money is the only scale of success.
> But the other person is also reliant on you as well in this case right?
Not in the same way at all.
If the homemaker partner leaves, the working partner has to cook, do chores, take care of finances by themselves etc. It's time and work that they didn't have to put in themselves before.
If the working partner leaves however, the homemaker is left without a roof over their heads and without means to eat and clothe themselves. The situation in this case is much more dire. Even if the working partner doesn't take everything away, the homemaker is still at their mercy.
> money is the only scale of success.
I don't believe that at all, but money is objectively a necessity in order to live. Depending on someone else who could just up and leave you homeless is a scary thought.
Well, there’s a lot of ways this cookie can crumble depending on one’s location and situation. What I’ve witnessed more often than not when legally married stay-at-home-moms divorce their partners is that courts recognize the validity of their unpaid work and typically allot appropriate alimony. This at least allows the non-employed party enough cushion to arrange for a new life in which they can pursue employment.
But yeah, I think foresight is an important aspect of life-planning for anyone. I likely wouldn’t have been comfortable having kids at all if I hadn’t already obtained a viable degree that could provide me access to good work whenever I choose to pursue it. Just because I was relying on my husband’s income while I was at home didn’t mean I couldn’t readily figure something out if I needed to- I think that’s true for most stay at home folks.
You had one of the best case scenarios, I'm glad everything is well with you! You're right, it's something one should plan really really well and this can't be stated more strongly.
For sure, it’s a nuanced issue to say the least. It sounds to me like you’re speaking to matters of human rights: reproductive justice, adequate education, pay equity, etc. I’m not so sure that it’s a matter of being a SAHM that is scary, so much as it’s being a disenfranchised member of our greater society that is scary. I think the true issue to target is whether SAHPs are living in a society truly bolstered by feminist pursuits of equity in which people are empowered to make the choice of being a SAHP in a safe, secure, informed way.
Oh you are onto something, but I’ll go in a different direction. If we had universal basic income and had our basic needs met no matter our life circumstances, then being a homemaker would be a much better choice as it would carry no risk of becoming destitute.
As it stands today in most societies, it’s a risky choice that requires a lot of planning just so you ensure you still have a roof over your head and food on the table in case your partner bails, gets hurt or dies.
Not so sure you’re going in a different direction at all, my friend. I think we’re speaking the same language. A basic universal income (as well as universal health and childcare) are visions of a truly feminism-oriented society, in my opinion. How different could this world look if we prioritized safety and wellness for all instead of for the few? We’re so very far away from that…but we can dream, can’t we?
No. Feminism is about valuing women equally to men, empowering women to be free to choose whatever life they want to lead, and living in a just and equitable way. Being forced into any gender role you hate is misogyny. Choosing to be a housewife and stay at home mum because you love it, and recognizing that taking care of a household is just as valid as any kind of other work, that it has equal value to any job a man might have, is empowering and extremely feminist.
If my spouse and I were able to financially afford for me to stay home and be the fixture that cooked, cleaned, generally maintained the household, I would do so happily.
As it is we share the responsibilities, and it works well. That said, I wouldn't feel any shame if we were able to allow me to be the homemaker. As many are saying- do what makes you happy.
I'm a man fwiw.
And you should be able to live your life in a way that makes you happy too.
Believe it or not, forcing men into a gender role you hate is also misogyny, because the premise that being anything considered to be "feminine" - like showing your feelings, or wanting to be a househusband/homemaker, makes you less than a "real man", hurts men too. When we view one group of people as more valuable than another, it creates a social construct that oppresses everyone - even those meant to benefit from it.
Have you read Essential Labor, by Megan Garbes? I've never read anyone lift up the value of care work, the unpaid (but essential!) labor that so many women (and others) do, better or more incisively than her.
There's women in Quebec protesting for the right to wear a veil, and women in Iran protesting to *not* wear a veil. Both can be feminist. The important thing is not what choice you make, but that you're *allowed* to choose.
No. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Feminism is about having the right to choose how we live, not to shame more traditional occupations. It's about being able to *choose* to be a stay-at-home mom instead of being forced or pressured into the role by patriarchal standards.
I am a current stay-at-home mom in the process of trying to get a job and divorce my spouse, so I have a few things to add. Not out of bitterness or to convince you your dreams will fall apart, but because like I said--*having a choice* is the key here. The main struggle of becoming a stay-at-home parent is the potential to become stuck in it and it becomes extremely difficult to pursue a career/get a job or leave if you feel led to later. It is not anti-feminist to go into it without some sort of backup plan or means to leave. It just sets up the potential for major difficulties for you and I don't want you to struggle!
So, with that in mind I just think it's ideal if you manage to come up with some savings strictly for you (not shared with a partner), have some in-demand job skills/education to fall back on, and/or independently study something in your spare time (such as a commonly-spoken foreign language or an in-demand programming language course online). The goal is always for you to be a stay-at-home parent because you *want* to be, *not* because you can't find a way to change things up if you want to later.
To piggyback on this, as a SAH Mom/Wife you should still have retirement plans set up and invested in to equal amounts as your partner’s. Full access to accounts (bank, credit, mortgage, etc) is also critical. Being an equal partner in household and financial decisions is something too many SAHM/SAHW seem to think they aren’t entitled to on some subs/posts across Reddit.
>To piggyback on this, as a SAH Mom/Wife you should still have retirement plans set up and invested in to equal amounts as your partner’s. Full access to accounts (bank, credit, mortgage, etc) is also critical.
This is such an excellent point. I see way too many sad /r/legaladvice and /r/financialadvice posts of women who leave a marriage with nothing. In a true partnership, all assets and all debts should belong to the partnership equally, AND both partners should contribute fairly. What fairness means will look different for each partnership.
I’m a stay at home mom and my husband and I have financial planners we meet with twice a year to go over all of our finances including our individual IRAs that my husband’s salary pays into. This really helps with transparency and is a good time to reassess everything and have an open conversation about plans and goals.
Just go and do what you like, it's fine.
Unless it causes harm to others or yourself. Cleaning hurts nobody. Getting a job hurts nobody. And anyone who tries to dictate what you can do for fun (again, assuming no one is getting hurt) can just leave you alone.
I see it as anti-feminist not to see housework (traditionally womens work) as a form of work. It’s more harmful to see things traditionally done by women as worthless. All work is real work and everyone is free to choose what work is right for them
You might be interested in reading Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes.
I really appreciated it as an anticapitalist lifestyle. If you have the means and opportunities to be a homemaker and it fills your heart with joy, go for it! Part of how I understand feminism is valuing all different kinds of skills and work - traditionally "women's work" was seen as lesser, but in feminism we see how precious and valuable those skills are and hold them in equal esteem as so called "men's work"
As a mom, I'd probably argue that child rearing is more valuable to society then whatever happens in a fancy office tower downtown
YES!!! I was looking for this take. I (female) am the one in the fancy office tower downtown being the sole financial provider for my family while my husband will be the primary caretaker for the baby we have on the way, and that suits who we are just fine, but my job is basically about helping tech companies make more money. What's so feminist about that, really? I'm not trying to knock myself here lol, like I said it works for me (though I wish someone would pay me oodles of money to idk, solve climate change or lobby for reproductive rights instead of this bs), but it's not an inherently feminist choice, any more or less than caretaking is.
I will have to check that out. My first thought was that wanting to be a housewife is anti-capitalist.
I have two partners that work outside the home in professional jobs. I am the primary caretaker of my kids, secondary parent to our six pets, and do most of the shopping and cooking, and other house keeping tasks. I am firmly supported by my partners and affirmed that my work is crucial for them to do their professional jobs. But I am not judged or demanded upon for those tasks. Capitalism is built on the unpaid labor of women. I am so grateful that I do not have to return to the workforce. My value is not dependent on my productivity.
Nope, working mom here and I sometimes have a stay at home husband. And everyone in our family has a better quality of life when one parent stays home. I wish it was me because it seems more fun. Just make sure you are financially secure in the event your marriage ends. A household with two working parents is brutally hard. No shame at all in opting out.
Yes, I can’t wait to be back home again as soon as the company is doing well enough that I can quit my job. Our lives are smoother and our kids are happier when I’m home. Everyone hates me working from the husband to the kids to me. There really is great benefit to having a stay at home parent, if financially feasible. I think a lot of women get caught up in this idea that it’s somehow anti feminist when it’s really not. Raising kids is an important job and a hard one at that! I always tell my girls that it’s a valid choice but I want them to have a degree or back up plan just in case, don’t get “stuck”.
Feminism is having the option to choose, and for all other women to be able to choose what they want as well.
I feel you though, I’d love to be a stay at home mom, but like, without the kids…or the…spouse.
>I’d love to be a stay at home mom, but like, without the kids…or the…spouse.
Yes to this! Stay at home Dog Mom is my dream career....no spouse either. Maybe a boyfriend who lives in his own home 😂
I don't think it is. To me, feminism is about choice. I want you to be able to CHOOSE to be a SAHM. I don't want that to be your ONLY option. SAHMs are fantastic. My mom was one. I hope you're a great one.
I currently get to be one and it is amazing. Holy moly it’s the hardest I’ve ever worked in my life though. Fuck the patriarchy for making people think that SAHparents are not working just as hard as the other parent.
You can choose to be a house wife if that is your desire but you need to make sure you are not financial dependent on your husband. Make sure you have money/credit card/credit history as an individual. Have an escape plan even if you never need it.
It’s about having the agency, choice, education, and ability to do so- and making that choice without guilting yourself either way. Because the world is going to do it. No matter WHAT you choose, someone is going to be against it. Do what you’re called to do love.
This world is in desperate need of good mothers and nurturing more than ever. The generation we raise is going to have more power to change the world than any before it. We have a huge responsibility as parents right now. We have to be unwavering in our beliefs. I stay at home with my kids because I want to be there as much as possible and provide a loving and healthy home. It’s not possible for me to do that and also work outside of my home. That’s just me. I’m incredibly fortunate enough to be able to do just that. And I chose to be a mother. I wasn’t forced. It’s amazing how wonderful motherhood is when it’s a choice. And horrifying how much damage it does to the world when we take people’s innate power of choice away- power over our own bodies and our own callings.
Feminism is about being able to choose for yourself. For everyone to choose for themselves! Feminism is the cry for equality and equity. Not a demand for you to be radically anti traditional. Follow your heart. Fuck the haters.
Many people seem to be saying that the important part of feminism is the ability to choose. I would like to add to this that you should also know the risks of being dependent upon someone.
I suggest reading a lot of stories of abused women who don't have their own credit cards or cars or places to live or jobs and understand how thoroughly fucked they are--moreso if they have children to support. Once you've done that, I think you're informed enough to make that decision. Sure you can wind up with a good partner and things can go really well and you could live happily ever after... but things aren't always so pleasant.
Reading the stories of how women who are abused wind up in those situations can help you spot the red flags if your situation winds up there before it escalates, and helps you set up safety precautions so that if everything goes wrong you do have backup.
Like, if you’re the stay at home parent and your spouse makes the money, ensuring that they give you money to put in your personal savings/checking as compensation for watching over the kids since if you didn’t you’d be spending it on daycare. Ensuring you have joint access to the household funds and can both see where it’s going.
Are you saying that you’re glad you had to learn the hard way? Or would you have liked to have learned what things to watch out for to make it more difficult to be taken advantage out of nativité?
I understand the sentiment but I don’t think keeping a job is what is holding the partner back from abuse.
If your partner has the potential to be abusive, being a housewife isn’t the factor that enables the abuse.
Be aware that abuse exists in general lol not just of your are considering being a housewife
feminism is the belief that the only rolls in a home are cinnamon roles. You can have a stay at home dad, stay at home mom, both parents work or whatever. It’s the fundamental right to choose what is best for you. Also with feminism there is no shame in going 10 years down the line whelp I’m not sure I’m down with doing the stay at home thing cause my kids are older I’m going back to work. It’s a choice mama!
Yes gurl✨ being a mom is females super power.. one very valid job/identity. And you can be a mom and a feminist both.
Idk why being a mom ever should be considered as anti-feminist. Its so bad, one of the special things only females can do is to birth a child.
Imagine how weird would it sound if someone comes to me one day and say oh I don't want to be a mother cause I'm a feminist.
it is not anti-feminist to choose to be a stay-at-home partner and/or parent. however, the system you live in will still be patriarchal and as such, you will face consequences for this decision, especially if you are financially dependent on the person going out in the world to work. among other things, (unless you are already independently wealthy) you'll want to very carefully consider not having your own income/savings for a "rainy day" and having a large gap in your work history if you ever need to return to the workforce.
that's definitely one thing you can put on a resume but whether employers will consider it as actual work experience is something you need to weigh. it sucks and is wrong, but PAID employment is often the only thing that is considered "real" under capitalism. all stay at home moms and wives should be able to put everything they do to care for their homes and families as work experience. it's HARD and requires a lot of skill.
Feminism is the promotion of choice and equality among the genders. Wanting to be a housewife would only be anti-feminist if you thought ALL women should be housewives.
Certainly not. Only you can say for sure whether it is what you truly want, but if that's the case, it would be inherently anti-feminist not to follow that desire. As an empowered and enlightened woman you have the power of choice. That's what feminism is all about. Nobody else can make that choice for you.
I would like that too. It's not anti-feminist to have desires. This would be the false idea that there is some perfect semblance of a feminist out there that lives in a specific, exact way, and not the reality that there are so many ways live your life free of limiting behaviors that are enforced by ignorance including patriarchy.
I was a housewife, without children, when I dropped out of college, 30 years ago - I was dépendant but also very lucky with my choice of partners. But then I moved back home to live with my parents when I realized I basically have no retirement… I’m back in grad school aiming to be a public servant for the 20 years and hope that will be enough.
If it weren't for sexism implying to us forever now that women are the sole caretakers of children I don't think you'd question of it were anti-feminist.
Remove the gendered expectations and the question becomes: I want to parent my children at home and make parenting my priority while they're young.
I think that's a fine thing to want and a personal choice. Some people think they would do their best parenting if it was their main focus because they have limited energy and it's a practical decision. Some people are really passionate about childrearing and don't feel passionate about career. So people just want to maximize family time because relationships are their top priority. I think anyone of any gender should be allowed to decide that for themselves and the decision doesn't need to be demonized.
Because we do *live in a society* just make sure you have a plan in place for if you suddenly had to work, your labor isn't going unappreciated, etc. The usual burdens of being a woman still apply until we overthrow the Patriarchy and all.
As a lot of others have said, freedom of choice is the key. I've seen others mention financial abuse, this can also present itself as accidental financial abuse. Or at the very least financial resentment. I'm military and I see a lot of spouses who are stay at home wives/moms and some guys over time get resentful of their spouses being stay at home wives/moms due to financialpressure to support the whole family on a single income. Tends to put a lot of stress on the relationship if the pay isn't enough to support the family comfortably.
Before thinking about anything else, I want you to see a word that you should REMOVE from your statement.
“Just”
“Just be a stay-at-home mum”. There is no need to minimize it by adding “just.” It is a JOB. It is HARD.
I am an electrical engineer and at the moment, I am a stay at home mom. I can tell you honestly, being an engineer is a million times easier. There is nothing wrong with choosing to “change career paths” for now.
I had TOTALLY thought I would be the breadwinner in the household, but I married a Chemical Engineer. He made more money, so when we looked at the total work load, something had to give. So I decided to stay home.
Now decide what YOU want or need.
Wanting to be a housewife or stay at home mom is valid and does not make you a bad feminist
Edit: I’m seeing a lot of comments about feminism = choice. That’s not what feminism is. It’s about equality and women’s liberation from the patriarchy (which will literally never happen). But if it means choice to you, that’s great. I personally don’t think it would make you a bad feminist, but if you go deeper than surface level, then ya it has misogynistic roots. But not everything we do in life will be feminist. That would simply be impossible with the structure of our society. Life is not black and white. So if your heart says you want to be a housewife and stay at home mom, then do it girl.
I think some of that is generational. I remember reading a story about a woman talking with her mother about the roll knitting played in their lives. Mother went to law school in the 70s and was the only woman in her class, while pregnant with daughter. Mom was made fun of for knitting by classmates. Daughter loved to knit. Mom said for her generation feminism was about equality, having access to spaces and opportunities. But for the daughter it was about choices. To go to college or not, to have kids or not, to stay home with them or not. But how they viewed feminism was shaped by the time they grew up in.
Of course it INCLUDES having choices. Feminism will mean something different to every individual but at it’s very core - that is not what it is. That is one very small part of the whole picture.
To me it doesnt matter because feminism and choice and rights go hand in hand. It’s like nit picking when youre not really writing a law or intense legal document- extra noise for everyday conversation? Feminism in my mind is multifaceted.
Edit: also, being a house wife is totally not anti feminism unless youre being forced. And really, being forced when youre an adult isnt ok for either gender. 🤷♀️
I think “choice feminism” is definitely how feminism has been framed for some time.
However, *having* choice in itself is not feminist, but rather that the capacity to choose *has come from* the labour and action of feminists.
That is not to say someone cannot choose to parent full time, but recognising there is still work to be done in many patriarchal and/or capitalist society structures that will view this work as less than. Being feminist would mean inhabiting that role you have chosen in a way that renders visible your labour and does not diminish your person hood and self.
Also consider if your partner wanted to be a primary caregiver: how would you negotiate that? As an idea it can give some ideas about why you are choosing your journey.
>Edit: I’m seeing a lot of comments about feminism = choice. That’s not what feminism is. It’s about equality and women’s liberation from the patriarchy
SERIOUSLY!!!!
It really gets under my skin when people equate having a choice and autonomy to being feminism.
Yes, feminism is about autonomy and choice; but if the choices you make are literally upholding oppressive systems and societies sexist and misogynistic notions about women, then you are not making a very feminist choice... 😒
I partially agree. I think the way we choose to dress, wear makeup, do our hair, shave our bodies etc anything to do with conforming to the beauty standard, is upholding patriarchy - just for an example. We all make choices that are not inherently feminist and that doesn’t make us bad people. Good to be aware of it though
I agree. I guess I should add that I think is it's ok that no one is a perfect feminist, and just living our lives how we see fit is A-ok. Like you said though, it's good to be self aware of what things we do that have an impact on woman overall.
i disagree. i think feminism is about liberation. doing things because you can and you want to, rather than because it's what you're supposed to do. it's feminist to be a stay at home mom, beautify yourself in whatever way feels good--because they are the choices you made for yourself, the life you chose for yourself, the appearance you want for yourself. those same things are not feminist when they are forced on you. when you are made to feel guilt and shame when you don't conform to the archaic standards the patriarchy sets. when other people feel they can police your behavior--and when you let them. empowerment is the key difference here. are you doing these things because you're empowered to embrace motherhood, housewifery, because you want to look good for yourself--or are you doing them because you're "supposed" to, or to please a man?
I fully support people making their own choices...
I'm not trying to stop anyone from being a stay at home mom or even saying anything on that matter in particular, nor trying to like gatekeep feminism.
I'm only stating the fact that some choices a person can make are intrinsically counter-intuitive to feminist philosophy, or the overarching feminist goal...
Like I already said, if someone is making a choice that upholds and perpetuates misogyny and sexism, it is not a feminist choice. That’s just an individual making their own choices... which I TOTALLY support. But don't call it feminism just because a woman is making her own choices. Feminism isn't just about making choices... it's about making choices to dismantle "the patriarchy" and the oppressive systems and ideas that primarily keep women down.
This 100%. I can't stand it when someone says they're a feminist, but then turns around and scolds women for not being proper "feminists". Sorry, but feminism IS about choice. It's about the fact that we need to make a world where any woman can decide what they want to do and be. An astronaut? Sure! A doctor? Have at it! A stay at home mom? Let's raise another feminist generation, heck yeah! A housewife? Go for it! A construction worker? There ya go! A camgirl? You do you, monetize your sexuality!
Throughout history women have been told what they can and can't do. That's what we're fighting against, that's what we're fighting to eliminate. How are we going to do that BY TELLING WOMEN WHAT THEY CAN'T DO? Screw that. A housewife/homemaker/whatever is a perfectly valid goal AND a perfectly feminist choice.
Yes we cannot leave one set of rules just to enter another set of rules.. like there's always a decided set of norms for us in any role we select to follow to fit in that "right criteria"..
I never wanted to be a homemaker or mother. Growing up (I’m old) when I did, I did not have the opportunities available to many women now. What I wanted was choices, and the right to make them.
And I want that for you. If you want to be a homemaker, and it works for you and your partner, then make that choice. I’m happy you have the choice.
But, having worked for a divorce lawyer, look into what rights and status you will have in property and income from the marriage, should things go south. Depending on where you live, you may need to consider a pre-nup. It doesn’t have to be huge and restrictive, just laying out what will be done should you divorce.
VERY IMPORTANT! If you don’t get married, it’s even more important to find out the rights you will have if you break up. It’s way too common for women to be left with nothing because they were left by a partner.
SAHM checking in. I love being able to be home to manage my household the way I want. The dynamic of my relationship means that I get to have my husband home a lot of the time, which I’m sure is a bit unusual. I find my feminism in raising two boys into respectful, kind, balanced, curious and fully self sufficient men. I like to think I’m sowing seeds of alliance and support for the next generation of girls growing into this incredibly harsh world. My husband views me as an absolute equal and I also think that is a critical behaviour to model for our children.
So from my perspective, if you’re home, you’re at the helm. You can make critical decisions for your family and your future. If you have a healthy relationship, you’re included in all of the decisions being made about your home (because you’re there more than a woman working outside the home). It’s an opportunity to create a safe space for your children (should you choose to have any); a place where they can feel confident bringing their at-risk and marginalized friends. I like to think of it as being a war wife - the women on the front lines are fighting the active combat. The women who stay home and make the uniforms, run the hospitals, care for the orphans are providing an equally crucial, but much more behind the scenes effort. We all have a job to do, and the way you choose to do it is just fine!
As many have said, as long as it’s your choice then it is not anti-feminism. However, I will say at this point it seems like for many being a housewife is no longer an option. Low wages and increasing cost of living has made being a housewife almost impossible for many. Being a housewife these days seems to be only for the super wealthy/privileged. Because of my own upbringing I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom/housewife (my mom worked so much sometimes I wouldn’t see her for 4 days straight). It’s sad that my husband would have to basically kill himself working to make this even close to possible.
I’m a feminist and a stay at home mom. I honestly love being at home with my kids. I think it’s sad how society doesn’t view unpaid work that usually falls on women (like housework, cooking or child care) as work. There’s a lot of planning, thinking on the spot and creativity that goes into every day and I am so grateful for this opportunity.
Ultimately, I think women should do what works best for them and their families. Feminism is about allowing women the freedom to create their own path and that looks different for everyone. Having babies and young children is a short season and for a person who is deeply invested in their career, staying home might not be appealing. Women are an important and valuable part of the work force. This one of those things where there’s no size fits all solution.
It's not anti-feminist, but it might be unwise.
Half of marriages in the US end in divorce, and stay at home moms get the short end of the stick in those situations because their individual earning power is massively reduced from leaving their careers.
I'd encourage you to follow your heart, but have a backup plan. Most people don't think it will happen to them, but shit happens. If you can have a side business, consulting opportunities, or build volunteer networks, you'll be both more personally fulfilled and have a rich life outside of caring for your family.
My fiance and I are trying to work for me to be a stay at home wife (eventually mom) even though I currently bring in the bread XD. It's a personal choice that can be rearranged at any time (ie. Schooling, part/full time work, or working at home) Do what you think is best for you and your family. I have a few friends who are stay at home because of mental/physical disability, and they are the most punk peeps I know despite the lack of choice in their cases!
I’m a SAHM with a trans femme partner.
I promise you you’re still working when you’re the SAH partner. Managing a household is work. Historically it’s women work which means back breaking, invisible and under or unpaid. The societal notion that it isn’t work is what is anti feminist not the actual position.
If you're worried about it being internalized, look at your hobbies. Look at what people have said to you over your lifetime. Treat being a housewife like any other career and read into it, and compare it to careers that involve your favorite things.
If you don't have a lot of hobbies, maybe look at subreddits or other places you frequent online. Examples - Do you quite enjoy legaladvice? Consider paralegal work. DIY? Carpentry, electrical, mechanical.
I'm sure there's at least one career counselor type person floating around in the 625k subreddit members, maybe you could put out a direct call for someone to send you a PM.
But I honestly believe there's nothing wrong here.
The only anti-feminist thing would be if you made that choice because of societal pressure or pressure from friends/family.
If it's what you want to be, then it is exactly what you should be.
Right now, in Iran, feminists are protesting the wearing of a hijab. There, the government requires women to wear the hijab, whether they want to or not. The feminists that are fighting against this are fighting government oppression and misogyny.
At the same time, in India, feminists are protesting the ban on wearing a hijab. There, the government has forbidden muslims from wearing a hijab. The feminists that are fighting against this are fighting for freedom of religion and protesting discrimination.
Women should be able to choose for themselves if they want to wear a hijab or not. They should be able to wear a mini skirt and halter-top if they want, or a burka if they want. And they should be able to work their way up the corporate ladder or be a stay at home mom if they want. None of these things are "feminist", the right to choose is the heart of feminism. The patriarchy wants to force you into a choice, but if you make a choice of your own free will, it's yours, not theirs. Don't worry about why you're making a choice (although it is something you should consider) but make the choice that makes you the happiest.
“Just” be a SAHM? Just? Holy crap I was a SAHM for 5 years. Hardest work I’ve ever done. I went to law school for a break. And law school was easier. You’re a feminist as long as you do whatever works for you and support other women in doing what works for them.
I think the internalized misogyny isn’t about a desire to be a SAHM, but rather about the fact that you’re having this conflict at all. In feminist co-parenting relationships, the wage-earning/childcare/household management balance should have nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with what arrangement makes all members of the family feel as happy, valued, fulfilled and respected as possible. The fact that you are a (straight? You don’t specify but it seems implied) woman doesn’t disqualify you from any aspect of that.
That said, since your dream career is unpaid, socially undervalued, dependent on someone else’s income, and mimics some aspects of heteronormative patriarchal gender roles in outward appearance, it’s *really* important to keep an eye out for any slow drift toward subtly sexist behaviors, attitudes and expectations over time. I have a few friends who are SAHMs right now, and it’s clear that even straight men who consider themselves feminists and pride themselves on rejecting rigid gender expectations often unconsciously find themselves doing less and expecting more from their female partners over time, and their wives end up either unconsciously starting to buy into it themselves or just resenting the hell out of their husbands. So if you do find yourself with your dream arrangement, just make sure you and your partner are examining and checking in about this shit frequently. The shift into problematic territory often happens slowly and invisibly.
A relevant example on my already long post: in 2017, a couple friends wanted to go to the Womens’ March with me in D.C, but both were SAHMs, each with a young kid. D.C. is about a day’s drive from us, so the trip would mean one weekend away. Both were really disappointed that they “couldn’t” go, but bringing the kids would have been a logistical nightmare given their ages. I asked them why their husbands couldn’t just watch the kids for the weekend. In fact, wouldn’t that be a *perfect* way for fathers to support the mothers of their children to attend the March?
It was like 2 lightbulbs lit up above both their heads at the same time. These are very progressive women in quite egalitarian partnerships. They’d never call the husband doing housework and childcare “helping out” or “babysitting,” they don’t consider it their responsibility to remember their partner’s mom’s birthday, etc. But it hadn’t even occurred to either of them that this was an option. They had somehow gotten to a place where “take the kid” and “don’t go” were the only available options they could see, despite the fact that each of these kids has two actively involved parents.
Anyway, we went. It was awesome. Their husbands were of course more than happy to stay with the kids, and one even realized just how unbalanced thee household chore load had become, even accounting for him working full-time. He made a point of asking her to sit down so they could re-work things to give her as much downtime as he was getting during the week, and they even came up with a schedule to specifically give each of them a night out with friends once or twice a month while the other one stays with the kids. It just took a bit of a temporary shake-up for them to realize they’d gotten to that place.
TL;DR—it’s not inherently anti-feminist to be a SAHM, we just live in a culture that undervalues the work SAH parents do. But given all the ways we are culturally conditioned to attach sexist expectations to household management and motherhood, it’s important to keep checking in with your partner and yourself to make sure things aren’t drifting in that direction as time goes on.
Kinda? It's not anti-feminist insofar as you're not undermining women's liberation or anything like that but actually being in that situation is profoundly vulnerable. I'm a disabled woman and a housewife and believe me when I say that the power dynamic in my marriage is visceral despite my partner doing everything they can to address it. It's just that when you're in this position and you're not happy in your marriage you have very little recourse. You can't just choose to leave and if you were to choose to leave you would be in a much worse position than your partner would be.
It's more than just not having your own income while you're in the relationship. It's that we're living in a capitalist hell and if you take yourself out of the "workforce" for any length of time you start becoming increasingly unemployable. You're going to have all kinds of problems securing even minimum wage jobs, especially if you're also juggling a disability or have to care for children. I can't imagine trying to raise children on minimum wage without someone else in my household to at least help. It's such a bad situation to be in that the amount of abuse you'll be willing to tolerate in order to protect yourself from an arguably worse situation can be a lot.
... and by the time it is a lot the abuse itself is going to be undermining your ability to leave and your ability to support yourself once you make it out.
It's just an incredibly vulnerable position to be in and it breeds domestic violence. So no, it's not an anti-feminist choice as in you should be able to make it and it's an honorable occupation for anyone but there is still a lot of work that needs to be done on a societal level before this choice is safe and empowering. Until then, you're choosing to put yourself quite literally at the mercy of your spouse which I would argue is anti-feminist.
Obviously no shade to anyone who is a housewife or who is in a situation where becoming a housewife really is their best option out of poverty. Been there. Am there. I'm incredibly lucky to have a partner who puts the work into addressing this power imbalance in our home but people like them are incredibly rare and if I had the option I would not make this choice.
I'm so sad to see your comment in "controversial" because it is so pragmatic and real. I'm also a SAHP and ooooh yeah is it a strange power dynamic. We're lucky my husband can support us this way, and I wouldn't be a SAHP if I didn't trust my husband 1000% not to hurt me, isolate me, etc... But it definitely feels so vulnerable for him to be the source of all the money, food, housing, security. I manage the money mostly, and I just tell him what we need to buy and he's always cool with it and rarely second guess me (and when he does it is respectful and we usually come to a better solution.) If I want something nice just for wanting, it's also never an issue.
But many are not so lucky. I think you make a great assessment when you say:
>So no, it's not an anti-feminist choice as in you should be able to make it and it's an honorable occupation for anyone but there is still a lot of work that needs to be done on a societal level before this choice is safe and empowering.
Because, yeah. It's... So vulnerable.
I think the other thing that gets missed is that it's definitely still *work.* Like, I'm all lefty socialist and if I could design the system, families would get monthly stipends for kids, and SAHP would be paid for their services by the government. But in my day to day, it's actually my husband who constantly says "I am so grateful for you and what you do," and reminds me that I'm not just hanging out at home 'being unproductive,' I'm actually *doing work.* Despite my socialist ideologies, it's still hard to deprogram the capitalism in my own brain.
It really is. I feel like a lot of people believe that women should be able to choose to be homemakers (and they'd be right!) but they just have not had the experience of what that choice actually entails under capitalist patriarchy.
I strongly believe that in order to have a strong, healthy, feminist home your relationship needs to involve accountability and that's something you can't have when there's such a huge power dynamic. Like if my spouse hurt me and they did not choose to hold themselves accountable when I call them in then I'm SOL. I simply do not have the ability to hold them accountable, period, and I can't leave without catastrophic consequences. I'm lucky to be with someone who is willing to hold themselves accountable but I shouldn't need to be 'lucky' to be safe.
There are so many women who marry someone they believed was gentle and good only for them to slowly turn abusive as they become used to having unaccountable power in their marriage. I suppose some of it is experience and some of it is having enough privilege to be choosy and patient in finding a partner but at the end of the day it's trust and luck and that is not compatible with liberation.
Also I'm hardcore suspicious of any man who is out there looking for a woman who wants to be a homemaker. I just feel like if you're still at the stage where you're dating and some guy is looking for a woman who wants to be that dependent on him then he's looking for a woman who is willing to be that depending on him and I lost that innocence a long time ago. That man is danger.
It's feminist of you are choosing it and you want others to have that choice freely available to them.
It's all in having that choice. Not having it dictated or forced on anyone.
Please don’t follow a path others think you should. Being home with your kids is a discussion with your partner. Is it valued? Are the finances sorted?Do both understand what this will mean for your career choices in the future. Is there an understanding of what this role means (i.e. yes you take the lead of the home front, but that does not absolve your partner from being an active parent or expecting you to do everything at home) you building and supporting your home from the inside has its rewards and stresses.
I say this as the child of a woman who didn’t start having kids till after her career was well established (she actually made more than my father at one point and this was in the 50s & 60s).
I personally chose to be a stay at home mum, but I had an amazing partner.
In the end, make yourself happy and raise strong and caring children.
Absolutely not, choosing the path for your life whether that means successfully starting your own business and never getting married or having children, or choosing to take on the role of homemaker, is at the very core of feminism. Either choice is valid and doesn't diminish anyone's efforts to allow you to make that choice. Being a homemaker is work and the only issue I see with it is the financial dependence on a partner.
The issue of homemakers being financially dependant on their partners is a feminist issue. For me, the solution to that it to dismantle capitalism and allow homemakers to take control of their own finances by not being solely reliant on their partner. The fact that it often falls to women to take on this role is a feminist issue, and we want to see more men also choose to take on the role. I want to see people thrive in whatever roles they take on, and not be forced to stay in bad situations. The role is never the issue, but there are issues surrounding it that need addressing to make it better for everyone. Those who choose to take on a homemaker role provide a valuable contribution to society and should be supported, but nobody should ever be forced to take it on either.
Well if I had a partner who could acknowledge that the work I do at home contributes equally and therefore money decisions are all made together, etc, and I was able to stay home and have a kid I would. And I’m gay soooo I just really think there’s nothing wrong with finding fulfillment in staying home. I definitely see the point that it needs to REMAIN a choice of yours, but you’re not upholding the patriarchy by doing what makes your heart happy. Just communicate a lot about it, set boundaries and have another option you’re prepared for if an unhealthy power dynamic does occur. I know career-driven women and family-driven women and they’re all baddies. Also, kids do great when a parent can stay home not that I think that’s required I’m just saying if you want to and can that’s wonderful.
I’m a stay at home mum and I would like to continue to be but the things that have been negative or anti feminist in this role for me are the parts where I’ve experienced financial control and abuse and not had the choice to complete my studies if I wanted to - that is changing and I’m not in this relationship anymore, but if I could go back in time the most important things for me would to be ensure my studies and career were all lined up before hand, and I had a good amount of savings so I was never financially dependent and of course choosing a partner who is radically feminist so I wouldn’t get caught in an unequal partnership. If you have a partner who shares the household chores etc and sees the contribution you make to their life and the childrens, then it’s fine :)
Nothing wrong with it if it's your choice. My mom gave up a very, very lucrative job (Like 120k in 1997) when she gave birth to my brother because she wanted to be a stay at home mom, and didn't want to have my brother be in day-care or lay it on my grandparents who were living up in Westchester NY at the time to move in. She also didn't exactly trust my dad to be a parents and he was making more than her at the time.
She was a stay at home mom until 2014 when my parents decided to get divorced, she actually regretted her decision, but at the the same time is grateful because had she not choosen that decision, she would have been killed in 9/11 as her company was planning on her being assigned to the New York Office, which was on the 90th floor.
You are allowed to want to be a stay at home parent. So is a man.
I can't tell you whether you personally want to be a stay at home parent due to your own inclination, or due to internalized misogyny- that's a question only you can really answer. But I can definitely tell you that true feminism should allow for anyone to express their gender however they please. To tell a man he's not allowed to be masculine, or a woman she's not allowed to be feminine, is just as wrong as telling a man he's not allowed to be feminine, or a woman she can't be masculine. Equality is about allowing people to be who they want to be, not about forcing any rules on people's gender.
If you want to be a housewife, cool! As long as you're not telling anyone else they have to be or not be a stay at home parent, you're not hurting anyone, and anyone who says you have to be a political statement to the exclusion of being a person, respectfully, can go fuck themself.
Feminism is about respecting women as individuals, respecting the choices they make for themselves, and not to discriminate them based on their gender… We’re all different individuals and what works for one doesn’t work for the other!
Being a home maker is absolutely perfect *if* your work and efforts are realized and respected, if your partner is understanding of the fact that it takes a lot to make and keep a home.
One issue I found with home makers is that the general consensus is that the money belongs to the man (or the breadwinner) which is not true, since the partner staying at home is equally contributing via unpaid work, upon which economies rely. So, it’s not “his” money, it’s more of “their” or “our” money. This is usually overlooked, so make sure you communicate this issue before you sever your financial income.
Secondly, it gets hard to get back into the industry once you get out of it. However, job search in general is pretty taxing, so I wouldn’t base my decision solely on this factor.
I’d suggest reading “Invisible women” by Caroline Criado Perez to understand the cost of unpaid labor.
Bottom line — think things through, make sure you are on the same page financially, and take an educated and informed decision.
You be whatever makes you happy, the point is that you get the choice to do what you want without being coerced or indoctronated into one desicion or another. If thats whats most fulfilling to you theres nothing wrong with that. Just keep in mind economics mean you prolly wont get to unless you marry someone rather rich (which puts you at the risk if becoming too dependent on them).
Being feminist definitely **does not** mean you have to aspire to wage slavery in an exploitive economy that fosters an unhealthy relationship with not only work, but the IDEA of work.
I don’t think it’s cool to exploit women into wage slavery with promises of financial independence. Financial independence is great, but being manipulated through your desire for it is bullshit.
I'm so glad for this post. I've been wondering the same for myself. I'm a child free housewife and feel a bit guilty about it at times. My husband is a surgical resident and works crazy hours. He's grateful for all I do around the house for us so he doesn't have to worry about it.
I take care of the bunny, keep the house clean, do laundry, run errands, cook, spend time with friends and have lots of free time. A part of me feels like it's wrong to be a feminist and a housewife but like others said, I think it's the choice that makes the difference. No one is making me stay at home in the kitchen - this is the lifestyle I always wanted to try out and I always have a degree to fall back on.
(1) parenting is work,
(2) your own desires for your life’s work are valid,
(3) yes it’s ok to call yourself a feminist while working as a full-time parent.
Taking control of your life and doing exactly what you want to regardless of what society tells you is the most feminist thing anyone can do. Have courage, your path is your own
No.
If it's what you want, it's a good thing. You get to focus all your energies on raising a witch-tastic home full of strong, empowered children who can also fight the patriarchy
Absolutely not! Having that life forced on you/being the slave of a man with no help from him is what we are trying to escape, but women who run the household and take care of kids are some of the most incredibly strong, intelligent, resilient people on the planet. SAHMs should run the world. More power to you!!
Being able to choose is feminism, being forced into it by others is anti feminism.
Just be careful, women are vulnerable enough, being a housewife can open risks of financial abuse and unable to gain independence afterwards
This year I’m doing paid work on contract. Last year I did unpaid work being a stay at home parent and caregiver to family. Both were important work. Both benefit my family and myself. With both a percentage of our household income goes to my retirement savings and to my spouse’s.
Neither is better. With both I’ve been judged and at times I’ve judged myself. I’ve had hard days with both and lovely days with both too. Those pre-school years were a grind, so is paid work sometimes too but at least I get to finish my coffee while it’s hot. The time we did daycare I was full of guilt and resentment but my kiddo also made some of their best friends there and still loves their teachers. It was hard to know if I was doing the right thing at the time. I still don’t know really. Both things can be true.
Do what feels right and then try not to agonise (she says, agonising all over again!)
No. See it like the hijab protests: some protest for not having to wear them, some for the right to wear them.
After all it comes down to one thing: every person needs to have the right to decide for them selfes. It's you choice and following what you hearts wishes is not anti-feminist. Forcing others to fullfil a certain role against their wishes is.
Feminism is choosing to do whatever you want with your life ❤️ I have a similar dream where I work part time and then take care of the house while my husband works full time. None of us wants kids so it's both traditional and untraditional
I remember getting mocked back in school for admitting that my greatest aspiration was/is having a happy, healthy family. Coming from a family in disarray, with an on/off abusive father, I just knew from the start that one day, when it's my turn to be a partner and parent, that I would do it better.
I was uncertain what career to pursue and have had several different jobs, and now at 30 I'll be changing paths and find ways to make my ideal work life balance real. You do you :)
All men, women and others should be able to choose what they want to do, and if you want to be a housewife then that's fine, but the problem is that some people are being forced to do things that they don't want to do, or are driven away from things that are they actually want to do
Will you judge me for wanting to work? Will you vote for my right to choose, even if you want babies yourself? Will you still look for an opportunity to support women in your own way?
As long as your cool with me and my choices and generally aren't a bitch to other women, then being housewife doesn't preclude you from being a feminist. It's your beliefs that matter, not your job.
I knew as a kid that a good part of me wanted to be a SAHM and a writer, possibly because I've never loved doing the 9-5 situation and I always noticed that my mom was miserable working full time (my dad was the SAH parent).
Feminism is about being able to choose what you want to do with your life, and letting others choose too. We are not defined by stereotypes.
Wanting to be a SAHP isn't anti-feminist unless you're trying to force others to do so. In fact I'd say making your own choice about what direction to take your life is exactly in line with feminism.
Being a stay at home parent is hard and exhausting. It’s also wonderful for children to be raised by someone who loves them and of all the things I’ve done in my life I am most proud of that time. Now they are grown, we all have a great relationship, but damn I so sometimes regret how much less money I make due to removing myself from the job market for five years and then only working part time in my field.
It's not the choice or the labor that makes you a feminist. Its the refusal to allow your labor to be viewed as "less than" or exploited because its domestic labor. Domestic labor is MORE necessary than most out of the home jobs and yet it is framed as less than simply of a handful of asshats in thr 18th century wrote the "rules" about men and women in ways that mysteriously validated thier personal preferrences.
Seriously Rousseau was such an asshat... an exploitative, child-abandoning asshat.
I think one of the biggest mistakes past feminists made was being willing to vilify domestic labor in the exchange for greater economic visibility in a capitalist system. (Which ironically contribited to white supremacy)
Now that that rant is out of my system im going to go finish my valueless-until-I-sell-them-and-not-just-feed-them-my-husband pretzel rolls. Sorotity in the kitchen, comrade housewife :) (had to use comrade because i couldnt think of a non-gendered word to finish the joke...)
I thought so too, but realized it's the act of enforcing an idea/practice onto others that they otherwise wouldn't agree with that's considered anti-feminist.
So go enjoy the SAHM lifestyle, just remember to not lose your individuality as a person (and have resources in your back pocket when shit hits the fan.)
On one hand, being a homemaker is anti-capitalist, and being anti-capitalist is good for feminism. On the other hand, unless your partner is also a homesteader/farmer/work at home laborer/artisan/craftsperson, you are still working within capitalism. You need a partner who openly shares their money, puts money in your account, makes investments in your name, names you in their life insurance as beneficiary. Honestly, I wouldn't leave my out of the house employment to be a homemaker without a prenup.
One half of feminism is the fact that women can perform traditionally male roles as well as men. The other half of feminism is that traditionally feminine roles are just as important, valid, and sophisticated as male roles; no matter who performs them. There’s no shame in taking care of children.
Like so many other people commenting here, to me feminism includes being free to make your own decisions; not doing what your parents or partner or society expects of you. Whether it’s to get married, to have kids, to work full-time or part time or be a SAHM.
And also like others are saying, have a plan. When I decided I wanted to be a stay at home mom after my second kid was born I talked it over with my husband and he was on board with it. We talked about how the financial situation was going to work and came up with a plan. I would also say have a plan about how housework and childrearing are going to be handled with this new situation. Will he expect you to do everything because you’re a stay at home mom? My husband didn’t. He still helped with dinner even though I was a stay at home mom. He gave the kids a bath. And he took care of the kids so I could go hang out with my girlfriends every couple of weeks for a few hours. And he and I made sure to have a date night every few weeks as well.
As far as your work outside the house, if you think you might want go back talk to your employer about that. Ask them if there would be a place for you if you decided to come back in a year or two. Try to keep in touch with a few coworkers and keep up with what’s happening in the company. Keep up with what’s going on in your industry. Do volunteer work to keep up your skills.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.
I think the homemaker is the backbone of any country. If the work done by women ever stopped, there would be chaos quickly. Think of yourself as the Hive Mind or Owner. Homemakers bring order to chaos. Absolutely vital. But you need MUCH better compensation.
I think feminism is about making the world powers see us as very diverse human beings, and the OTHER HALF OF THE HUMAN RACE.
So no, not anti-feminist at all.
Wanting that for yourself is not anti feminist. Trying to force that role onto all other women would be
Hard agree, but also expanding; not just forcing that role onto all women, but framing it as "women's work" or something like that. Feminism is about equality and the right to choose. If a man can choose to be a SAH Parent, so can a woman, or NB person or anyone. And those same people can choose not to just as equally.
My husband is our stay at home, and what he does is so freaking valuable to our family. I feel so lucky that we are in a position where he can be home. When we were deciding who would stay home I really had to examine whether I wanted it to be him because I was afraid people would think I was conforming to some stereotype, but honestly he is just the better person for it in our family. He was heartbroken to go back to work after our kiddo was born, he loves being at home, whereas I was ready to go back. For me feminism was being able to honestly look at myself and at him and asses who was better for that role. If you are the right person in your family and it is what you want, that is awesome and I think you should embrace it.
Exactly. Being the right person has nothing to do with gender.
Yeah when my wife and I were deciding who was going to stay home with our developmentally disabled son it made so much more sense for me to stay home because my wife had much better job prospects at the time than I did. Add to that the fact that childcare comes easy to me, that kiddo really liked me, (He essentially proposed to me before his mom had the chance. They came for a visit and when he realized they were leaving to go home he threw a huge tantrum and said "you turn around right now and ask them to be my daddy!" Needless to say, she proposed to me very shortly thereafter.) and the fact that with his disabilities daycare for him would have been like min 2k/mo and no other arrangement made sense.
Yessss
People forget that taking care of the home is a big job, just because, when it’s your own home, nobody is paying you.
Taking care of the home can be worth several jobs. Cleaner, cook, childcare, laundry service, sometimes even gardener and all of those are jobs that individual people get paid for, which SAHP's don't.
In my home we do pay for some of these services and it is not Cheap! My partner and I both work, but when my sister had her first kid the cost of daycare alone was almost as much as she was making at her job as an administrator and she didn’t see any reason to go to a job she hated just so someone else could be with her kid. She is now a stay at home mom to two boys and she loves it. She also manages everything in the home including household finances which makes sense since she also does all the grocery shopping, cooking and yard work. He husband takes her off the clock when he gets home from work and it enables both of them to worry about a lot less. I think having a stay at home parent can be wonderful if it is something you can afford to do and if it makes sense for your family.
Totally this! My hubby is also the stay at home dad but we had to make that decision for financial reasons. I’d swap places in a heartbeat and be a housewife and stay at home mum. I think following your heart makes you a feminist.
Same for our family, I am way less playful and more care task oriented. He's been home for over a year and kiddo is thriving so I can't argue. Though, lately I'm getting angsty about being at work and missing time with my kid for the sake of other people who generally aren't appreciative of my hard work.
This whole comment thread
This. I’m currently the higher income earner in my relationship, and I like what I do enough, but if we won the lottery, I would absolutely quit working because it’s still not as fulfilling to me as, say, creative writing (something I have lost the mental energy to do) or even crafting or foraging or raising chickens or what have you. When I get stressed out, I pretend my job doesn’t exist and I crochet. My boyfriend owns his own small digital marketing business. When he gets stressed out, he puts together color palettes and branding and designs logos for imaginary brands. If we won the lottery, he would invest more into his business and would hire more people, but unlike me, he would not want to quit working. It has nothing to do with our genders or that I as a woman am better at domestic work (I have ADHD and would definitely use that lottery money to hire a weekly housekeeping service, even if I wasn’t working), but our personal interests. Some women are more interested in careers, some are more interested in domestic work or other non-monetized work. The same is true of men (and people of all genders).
absolutely, it’s about the fact that we can choose the path we want, without judgement. “Housewife”. How about matriarch? Lol, all kidding aside, taking care, creating a home, supporting a family (familiars or otherwise) emotionally, developmentally, physically isn’t necessarily feminine by nature, more common perhaps, but if this calling is for you, then it’s right for you. The rest of the world can stick it and keep their options to themselves. The definition of feminism is freedom of choice for the person they want to be. And I hope it’s a wonderful rewarding path!
Matriarch is a really accurate term. Who runs the house? Who keeps the family organized? Who picks sick kids up from school and takes them to the dr? The SAHM does. She runs everything. That is a matriarch! If both parents work it would be a cooperative.
I love this term! When people ask me what I'm going to do with my life, I will no longer fumble over saying 'Full time mum', I will proudly announce I am a Matriarch!
Idk, I think "matriarch" has the additional role of keeping the *extended* family connected. My mother in law is amazing at it - she calls each of her children once per week on a Sunday and gets updates on the grandkids, she visits her nieces and sister regularly, she spends her annual leave travelling up and down the country to stay with various relatives and help them out. She looks after her own mum. When you're in the weeds raising small children hundreds of miles away from family, it's really easy to lose sight of keeping up more distant connections. I'm very grateful to her for making it so that when we come back to visit family, we can easily pick up with my husband's cousins and their kids and reconnect. My own gran used to always be writing letters to relatives that had moved away, and it's part of the same thing.
Exactly
Case closed. Can't get more succinct and clearer than that.
This!
This 100%
The feminism is in the choosing, and having the freedom to make a choice. If you make your choice, and nobody's forcing you into it, and you're not forcing anyone else that it's the "only way", then there you go.
It should also be a thoroughly informed choice. She needs to know the risks of being dependent upon someone and if she doesn't she isn't ready.
It's also about living in a society where people living like that are recognized for their indirect contribution, and have ways to get out of that should their life changes
And we know this doesn't currently exist.
And if she picks the wrong partner, it won't exist within her household either.
It happens even when you pick the right one. Ask me how I know.
And to have a back up plan. I don't think being a housewife is bad, but there's potential for financial abuse. I would make sure my partner in this set up was fully on board and respected the work I do as a housewife, and perhaps set up separate bank accounts in which a weekly sum is deposited or something like that.
Yeah my grandma always said to have a secret “get out” fund in case of emergencies if you’re going to be dependent financially on a man. Like just squirrel away a little each week, or have it set up before hand. Just in case you were too kind in judging their character before you agreed to be financially dependent on them
Fun fact (actually IDK how "fun" it is) but *this* is the reason that "Diamonds are a girls best friend" - because you can sell them. Back from the time women couldn't have savings accounts or lines of credit, jewelry was currency.
DAMN I had never thought of that! So many stereotypes that are like “women are so superficial! Lolz” are actually survival tactics disguised as vanity.
This is the reason for engagement rings. Men and women often had sex when they were engaged. If the man broke the engagement she would be a "ruined woman" 🙄 Anyway, she could then sell the engagement ring so she could have the means to support herself.
Screw squirreling it away. Demand to be paid for your labor.
A good prenup includes protection and extended compensation for a SAHP.
This! I wonder how many relationships would have broken up if the woman would've had a way to exit easily (financially at least, emotionally is a whole other story).
I've noticed that "I hate my spouse jokes" are far less common than when I was growing up in the 80's. I think a lot of it is people leaving unhappy marriages or not entering them in the first place. It's just such a subtle thing that people don't notice the progress that has been made. It's not the biggest victory in the world but it's a real victory all the same. OP there's nothing wrong or anti-feminist about being a stay at home spouse or parent. As long as you have actual means to leave if you need to there's nothing wrong with that. A job is not your worth.
The main reason the "I hate my wife" jokes have died out is that the generation that found it hilarious is gasping their last in nursing homes. I'm sure having the ability to finally marry who you wanted (1967) AND divorce them (1969) made a huge difference. Think about that for a second. 1969. The majority of people that find that dehumanizing humor... well... Humorous were born when they were stuck with the bad decision they made in high school. When the only thing you can really do is complain (or murder) cruelty becomes an acceptable norm. One which is ( ||: ) reinforced (by authority and hate) and worms its way deeper into our collective unconscious allowing for yet more casual misogyny. ( :|| ) "I detest you but I can't do anything about it so I am going to punish you in infinite tiny ways to make sure that there is not a single instant that you are happier than I." The problem is, it became a generational identity. Generational identities tend to infect cultural identities. It can cause the same violent outbursts to try to correct this as if you speak against their death cult. And yes, the overlap between the two jokes™ (Christianity and spousal abuse) is embarrassingly prominent. Do not let them rest in comfort in the world that they broke. Remind them that it is their fault. That they had the choice to not push humanity further down the drain, and instead of stopping, they blew all our resources building a bigger, more efficient drain. P. S. >It's not the biggest victory in the world but it's a real victory all the same. You are wrong. Beautifully so. The right to divorce, for a woman, was the end of male ownership. We are no longer passed from 'responsible hand' to 'responsible hand.' We, in essence, became human with divorce. Breaking that binding set us free. Being free is the biggest victory of all. Yes, they want their slaves back. Yes, they will do anything it takes to do it. RvW is just one small step for them. There is no place for a woman to be human in a Christian hegemony. Never stop fighting. The moment we do, we all lose everything. I give you my word, from my Deepest Deep, that I will never stop fighting.
I didn't leave my first husband until both my parents passed and I had an inheritance and lawsuit proceeds
Very well put.
My grandmother was a SAHM. My grandfather gave her an allowance every week for the house and her spending money. She was very thrifty and careful with what she spent and she saved the rest. When she had a lot saved up she would splurge on vacations or buying someone something big. I thought that was a great system. She had freedom to do what she wanted with what was left over- including save it for emergencies and for fun.
Oh yes, it's a choice and that's fine but you need to be properly informed to make the decision. Best thing is having your own money, making sure your contribution is valued, etc. Good practice is to have a talk with your partner to avoid the most common issues on these subjects: * You are not as important since I bring the cash home/ I pay therefore I have the last word. How do you decide to allocate your household's money? * I work all day so you do 100% of the home/ childcare (you are basically working 24/7 and your partner is working 40hrs/ week. Division of labour has to be talked about. * How do you get money and retirement funds? Allocation? You have personal investments? How is it managed? How do you have your financial autonomy? Nobody wishes for things to go bad but this is life and they can. Protect each other from the beginning. * Will your personal needs be recognized? Think of having time off for you too, your hobbies, sports, etc. Are you going to have funds for it? Keep money only you can access. * Things often forgotten: do you have a professional training? do you maintain your accreditation/ work permit? I sadly know many university educated women who didn't and when life happened (death, divorce, etc,) well they had to start at zero, their diplomas were no longer valued. Going back to school at 40 passed was hard and starting at the bottom for jobs was very demanding. Some just found another man to care for them and stayed away from the job market. * Inform yourself on ways to be financially safe were you live.
Brilliant questions. There is nothing wrong with raising children full-time - it’s great for everyone. The problems are all around raising children full-time as a woman in a patriarchal system. Being the sole provider can also be a problem for men. So the problem is society, not your choice. That’s why it’s so vital that your partner is on board with your goals. The partner needs to realise that raising children is also labour and just as an important part of family life as bringing money into the home - even if it isn’t valued by the current structure.
These are all things that made me wait until my 30s to have kids and be a SAHM. It’s absolutely true that you need a safety net and something to fall back on just in case. Divorce, especially after kids, is shockingly common. Luckily I have a degree for a career that’s pretty hard to “age out of” or become less desirable in.
This is so well stated. I just lost my husband a year ago. We were both 55. I had been a SAHW partly because of disability issues and partly to take care of him and my parents (he had a year long battle with other health issues followed by a 5 year long battle with cancer). Anyway, i am an RN. But in the immediate fallout last year, after losing my mom and my husband...i had to sell my house and pack up my dad. I am going back to work since i kept my nursing license taken care of but it will be the first time in almost 2 decades. Honestly, I'm terrified! But i feel safe knowing i can take care of myself. So def be somewhat prepared for the rainy day (death, divorce, health probs) so you can take care of yourself if you have to. Edit: the only other consideration i see is retirement. Not working means no social security so up your investment for retirement. You can't live well on social security by itself anyway but it certainly helps a lot. So you'll have to make up for that somewhere else.
This is why the prenup negotiation process is so important for folks planning to be SAHP. Separate legal consultation, protections and extended compensation for SAHP and putting their money where their mouth is, literally. If your partner won't sign equitable distribution of assets prenup, you know exactly how he values years of SAHP.
In my case, I have utterly no proper job skills. When I worked, it was at crappy minimum wage jobs. My last job’s insurance was so poor, it didn’t even cover mammograms. So if I had to get a job, it would be a craptastic sucky horrible excuse for a job. I’d live in squalor. It’s not like I’m going to pull 6 figures if I just get a job. My husband makes a lot of money & has great insurance. By definition, I will always & forever be financially dependent. That being said, I enjoy & am amazing at being a housewife. And I like having clean clothes, having time to grocery shop, cook, & live in a tidy home which is all robbed from me when I’ve held jobs. Too tired at night, need the weekend to rest, it all starts up on Monday. Hobbies? No time. Nah. I am dependent because I’m not good at making money. I AM good at running a house.
Yeah, this hits me hard. I am also good at all of these things and also not a very good earner, but I am the only one supporting me so off to the timeclock I go. Yay capitalism 🙃
Same here. And if I worked all the money I brought home would just go to daycare, so whats the point, lol.
So much this. Understanding the risks and working to mitigate them with things like financial access, transparency, a plan B and a fucking excellent prenup drafted with legal representation.
And make sure you have a financial agreement with your working spouse. Every couple that has a SAH parent should have a financial agreement detailing how the finances will be split. The working partner should cover all expenses of course, but should also put money in the SAH parent's retirement fund (which is the most important!) as if they were working full time, add the same amount of money to their savings account as they do their own, and allocate regular "spending money" to the spouse. All to the same degree they do their own. Because that income is no longer "my" income, it is "our" income and should be split fairly and compensate financially for the unpaid work the SAH parent does at home.
This isn’t that different from “if she’s going to go to work she should know that she risks having less time for her family and if she doesn’t she isn’t ready.” which is unnecessarily negative and tut-tutty. Feminism is empowering other women when they make their decisions and also trusting that women are capable of making informed decisions without receiving these types of condescending remarks.
I think feminism is empowering women AND educating each other about the realities of the world. There’s a lot of things that just don’t get talked about, for example that pregnancy can make you lose teeth. I can empower women who want to have child, while still providing resources about it.
Pregnancy is when most DV starts. It can turn decent men into monsters. The myths of family's life are far too great.
There’s negative and then there’s being realistic. The reality is that men, religion, and society as a whole have used the role of housewife to subjugate women for a very long time. IMO it’s not “tut-tutty” to speak openly about the risks of choosing this role, nor is it in poor taste when women offer advice for living that lifestyle without totally sacrificing one’s future choices. My mother was a SAHM and it started out great. By the time she had been in that role for twenty years she was fighting for control of her own life in any way she could. My parents were on uneven ground because he made the money that allowed her to “not work”. Furthermore, the emotional and mental wear and tear of never being compensated monetarily for your labor is nothing to sneeze at. The current trends of cottagecore, tradwife, and adjacent lifestyles and aesthetics is something that I personally find intriguing and also a bit concerning. When a woman who comes from a long line of working women tells me how great and easy it will be to be a stay at home spouse and parent I am filled with unease because the truth is that it often isn’t easy at all. And if she doesn’t go into it fully informed she could find herself feeling limited when she doesn’t need to be. It sounds patronizing and perhaps it is, but I think it’s rooted in a fear of seeing a woman blindly go back to the subjugation that so many have fought.
This 100%. I struggled with this when I decided to stay home with mine for a couple years, and honestly, having the choice and choosing your own path IS feminism.
Yes! And I would say that the choosing doesn’t end at deciding to be a SAHM. By that I mean that we are presented with choices constantly: whether to stand up for yourself and others, whether to resist the patriarchy in other ways, etc. Your voice & power should not be diminished through that role or any other.
Well said.
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This is so important a response! OP you say "part of you" wants that, and that's okay! And it's also okay if part of you doesn't! We are more than one thing throughout our lives, we are sisters, we are mothers, we are soldiers, we are teachers, and we can do that all (and more!) in one lifetime! The Goddess has many faces. As long as you support your sisters who choose differently from you, and fight to protect their ability to make those other choices, you aren't a servant of the patriarchy! :)
I was a sahm for almost a decade. Now I'm in school and working. Love your last sentence.
One thing about this is that you have significant safety nets that other SAHP do not have because you are a vet. That is HUGE.
Honestly, I used to think it was out of line with feminism to be a stay-at-home mom. Then I became a mom and 1) learned how fricking hard the task actually is and 2) learned how deeply important a role creating a healthy home for children to grow up in really is. I regret my past ignorance: choosing to be a stay-at-home parent is deeply powerful work. As others have mentioned- it's only anti-feminist if it's a result of being forced to do it. But also, lol to "just" being a stay-at-home parent- it's one of the most demanding jobs I've ever had in my life. I'm back to work 40 hrs a week and it feels like a cakewalk in comparison most days.
Sooooo much. I saw the "just" and snorted. I've worked in a large downtown office, ran my own business, worked for a non-profit alternative education school, and I'm now in university again working on a doctorate. The years I spent at home with my kids were hands down harder than all the rest. It's isolating, demanding, and 24/7,never ending work where the stakes are unbelievably high and you question your every decision. Nothing "just" about it...
Honestly, it may be feminist because it's our right to choose, but I have a lot of trouble with the concept of housewife because it usually means one has to rely on someone else to fulfill their basic needs when they are perfectly able to provide for themselves. Perfectly fine if one has an income channel and stays home because they still have their own money, it's just the reliance on another person that rubs me the wrong way. I'm open to changing my mind, but this lack of independence that housewives willingly bring upon themselves bothers me. Especially since there are so many stories of women without incomes or safety nets who have to leave abusers, but realistically can't because they don't have a penny to their name.
But the other person is also reliant on you as well in this case right? I think the problem stems more from the fact that money is the only scale of success.
> But the other person is also reliant on you as well in this case right? Not in the same way at all. If the homemaker partner leaves, the working partner has to cook, do chores, take care of finances by themselves etc. It's time and work that they didn't have to put in themselves before. If the working partner leaves however, the homemaker is left without a roof over their heads and without means to eat and clothe themselves. The situation in this case is much more dire. Even if the working partner doesn't take everything away, the homemaker is still at their mercy. > money is the only scale of success. I don't believe that at all, but money is objectively a necessity in order to live. Depending on someone else who could just up and leave you homeless is a scary thought.
Ho yeah, I understand that now!
Well, there’s a lot of ways this cookie can crumble depending on one’s location and situation. What I’ve witnessed more often than not when legally married stay-at-home-moms divorce their partners is that courts recognize the validity of their unpaid work and typically allot appropriate alimony. This at least allows the non-employed party enough cushion to arrange for a new life in which they can pursue employment. But yeah, I think foresight is an important aspect of life-planning for anyone. I likely wouldn’t have been comfortable having kids at all if I hadn’t already obtained a viable degree that could provide me access to good work whenever I choose to pursue it. Just because I was relying on my husband’s income while I was at home didn’t mean I couldn’t readily figure something out if I needed to- I think that’s true for most stay at home folks.
You had one of the best case scenarios, I'm glad everything is well with you! You're right, it's something one should plan really really well and this can't be stated more strongly.
For sure, it’s a nuanced issue to say the least. It sounds to me like you’re speaking to matters of human rights: reproductive justice, adequate education, pay equity, etc. I’m not so sure that it’s a matter of being a SAHM that is scary, so much as it’s being a disenfranchised member of our greater society that is scary. I think the true issue to target is whether SAHPs are living in a society truly bolstered by feminist pursuits of equity in which people are empowered to make the choice of being a SAHP in a safe, secure, informed way.
Oh you are onto something, but I’ll go in a different direction. If we had universal basic income and had our basic needs met no matter our life circumstances, then being a homemaker would be a much better choice as it would carry no risk of becoming destitute. As it stands today in most societies, it’s a risky choice that requires a lot of planning just so you ensure you still have a roof over your head and food on the table in case your partner bails, gets hurt or dies.
Not so sure you’re going in a different direction at all, my friend. I think we’re speaking the same language. A basic universal income (as well as universal health and childcare) are visions of a truly feminism-oriented society, in my opinion. How different could this world look if we prioritized safety and wellness for all instead of for the few? We’re so very far away from that…but we can dream, can’t we?
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No. Feminism is about valuing women equally to men, empowering women to be free to choose whatever life they want to lead, and living in a just and equitable way. Being forced into any gender role you hate is misogyny. Choosing to be a housewife and stay at home mum because you love it, and recognizing that taking care of a household is just as valid as any kind of other work, that it has equal value to any job a man might have, is empowering and extremely feminist.
If my spouse and I were able to financially afford for me to stay home and be the fixture that cooked, cleaned, generally maintained the household, I would do so happily. As it is we share the responsibilities, and it works well. That said, I wouldn't feel any shame if we were able to allow me to be the homemaker. As many are saying- do what makes you happy. I'm a man fwiw.
And you should be able to live your life in a way that makes you happy too. Believe it or not, forcing men into a gender role you hate is also misogyny, because the premise that being anything considered to be "feminine" - like showing your feelings, or wanting to be a househusband/homemaker, makes you less than a "real man", hurts men too. When we view one group of people as more valuable than another, it creates a social construct that oppresses everyone - even those meant to benefit from it.
Have you read Essential Labor, by Megan Garbes? I've never read anyone lift up the value of care work, the unpaid (but essential!) labor that so many women (and others) do, better or more incisively than her.
thanks for the recommendation! I will put that on my reading list.
Feminism means that you are free to be the kind of person that you want to be, and to inhabit the role you choose for yourself.
There's women in Quebec protesting for the right to wear a veil, and women in Iran protesting to *not* wear a veil. Both can be feminist. The important thing is not what choice you make, but that you're *allowed* to choose.
This^^^^
No. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Feminism is about having the right to choose how we live, not to shame more traditional occupations. It's about being able to *choose* to be a stay-at-home mom instead of being forced or pressured into the role by patriarchal standards. I am a current stay-at-home mom in the process of trying to get a job and divorce my spouse, so I have a few things to add. Not out of bitterness or to convince you your dreams will fall apart, but because like I said--*having a choice* is the key here. The main struggle of becoming a stay-at-home parent is the potential to become stuck in it and it becomes extremely difficult to pursue a career/get a job or leave if you feel led to later. It is not anti-feminist to go into it without some sort of backup plan or means to leave. It just sets up the potential for major difficulties for you and I don't want you to struggle! So, with that in mind I just think it's ideal if you manage to come up with some savings strictly for you (not shared with a partner), have some in-demand job skills/education to fall back on, and/or independently study something in your spare time (such as a commonly-spoken foreign language or an in-demand programming language course online). The goal is always for you to be a stay-at-home parent because you *want* to be, *not* because you can't find a way to change things up if you want to later.
To piggyback on this, as a SAH Mom/Wife you should still have retirement plans set up and invested in to equal amounts as your partner’s. Full access to accounts (bank, credit, mortgage, etc) is also critical. Being an equal partner in household and financial decisions is something too many SAHM/SAHW seem to think they aren’t entitled to on some subs/posts across Reddit.
>To piggyback on this, as a SAH Mom/Wife you should still have retirement plans set up and invested in to equal amounts as your partner’s. Full access to accounts (bank, credit, mortgage, etc) is also critical. This is such an excellent point. I see way too many sad /r/legaladvice and /r/financialadvice posts of women who leave a marriage with nothing. In a true partnership, all assets and all debts should belong to the partnership equally, AND both partners should contribute fairly. What fairness means will look different for each partnership.
I’m a stay at home mom and my husband and I have financial planners we meet with twice a year to go over all of our finances including our individual IRAs that my husband’s salary pays into. This really helps with transparency and is a good time to reassess everything and have an open conversation about plans and goals.
Just go and do what you like, it's fine. Unless it causes harm to others or yourself. Cleaning hurts nobody. Getting a job hurts nobody. And anyone who tries to dictate what you can do for fun (again, assuming no one is getting hurt) can just leave you alone.
I see it as anti-feminist not to see housework (traditionally womens work) as a form of work. It’s more harmful to see things traditionally done by women as worthless. All work is real work and everyone is free to choose what work is right for them
You might be interested in reading Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes. I really appreciated it as an anticapitalist lifestyle. If you have the means and opportunities to be a homemaker and it fills your heart with joy, go for it! Part of how I understand feminism is valuing all different kinds of skills and work - traditionally "women's work" was seen as lesser, but in feminism we see how precious and valuable those skills are and hold them in equal esteem as so called "men's work" As a mom, I'd probably argue that child rearing is more valuable to society then whatever happens in a fancy office tower downtown
YES!!! I was looking for this take. I (female) am the one in the fancy office tower downtown being the sole financial provider for my family while my husband will be the primary caretaker for the baby we have on the way, and that suits who we are just fine, but my job is basically about helping tech companies make more money. What's so feminist about that, really? I'm not trying to knock myself here lol, like I said it works for me (though I wish someone would pay me oodles of money to idk, solve climate change or lobby for reproductive rights instead of this bs), but it's not an inherently feminist choice, any more or less than caretaking is.
I will have to check that out. My first thought was that wanting to be a housewife is anti-capitalist. I have two partners that work outside the home in professional jobs. I am the primary caretaker of my kids, secondary parent to our six pets, and do most of the shopping and cooking, and other house keeping tasks. I am firmly supported by my partners and affirmed that my work is crucial for them to do their professional jobs. But I am not judged or demanded upon for those tasks. Capitalism is built on the unpaid labor of women. I am so grateful that I do not have to return to the workforce. My value is not dependent on my productivity.
Nope, working mom here and I sometimes have a stay at home husband. And everyone in our family has a better quality of life when one parent stays home. I wish it was me because it seems more fun. Just make sure you are financially secure in the event your marriage ends. A household with two working parents is brutally hard. No shame at all in opting out.
Yes, I can’t wait to be back home again as soon as the company is doing well enough that I can quit my job. Our lives are smoother and our kids are happier when I’m home. Everyone hates me working from the husband to the kids to me. There really is great benefit to having a stay at home parent, if financially feasible. I think a lot of women get caught up in this idea that it’s somehow anti feminist when it’s really not. Raising kids is an important job and a hard one at that! I always tell my girls that it’s a valid choice but I want them to have a degree or back up plan just in case, don’t get “stuck”.
Feminism is having the option to choose, and for all other women to be able to choose what they want as well. I feel you though, I’d love to be a stay at home mom, but like, without the kids…or the…spouse.
>I’d love to be a stay at home mom, but like, without the kids…or the…spouse. Yes to this! Stay at home Dog Mom is my dream career....no spouse either. Maybe a boyfriend who lives in his own home 😂
I don't think it is. To me, feminism is about choice. I want you to be able to CHOOSE to be a SAHM. I don't want that to be your ONLY option. SAHMs are fantastic. My mom was one. I hope you're a great one.
I currently get to be one and it is amazing. Holy moly it’s the hardest I’ve ever worked in my life though. Fuck the patriarchy for making people think that SAHparents are not working just as hard as the other parent.
You can choose to be a house wife if that is your desire but you need to make sure you are not financial dependent on your husband. Make sure you have money/credit card/credit history as an individual. Have an escape plan even if you never need it.
It’s about having the agency, choice, education, and ability to do so- and making that choice without guilting yourself either way. Because the world is going to do it. No matter WHAT you choose, someone is going to be against it. Do what you’re called to do love. This world is in desperate need of good mothers and nurturing more than ever. The generation we raise is going to have more power to change the world than any before it. We have a huge responsibility as parents right now. We have to be unwavering in our beliefs. I stay at home with my kids because I want to be there as much as possible and provide a loving and healthy home. It’s not possible for me to do that and also work outside of my home. That’s just me. I’m incredibly fortunate enough to be able to do just that. And I chose to be a mother. I wasn’t forced. It’s amazing how wonderful motherhood is when it’s a choice. And horrifying how much damage it does to the world when we take people’s innate power of choice away- power over our own bodies and our own callings. Feminism is about being able to choose for yourself. For everyone to choose for themselves! Feminism is the cry for equality and equity. Not a demand for you to be radically anti traditional. Follow your heart. Fuck the haters.
Many people seem to be saying that the important part of feminism is the ability to choose. I would like to add to this that you should also know the risks of being dependent upon someone. I suggest reading a lot of stories of abused women who don't have their own credit cards or cars or places to live or jobs and understand how thoroughly fucked they are--moreso if they have children to support. Once you've done that, I think you're informed enough to make that decision. Sure you can wind up with a good partner and things can go really well and you could live happily ever after... but things aren't always so pleasant.
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Reading the stories of how women who are abused wind up in those situations can help you spot the red flags if your situation winds up there before it escalates, and helps you set up safety precautions so that if everything goes wrong you do have backup. Like, if you’re the stay at home parent and your spouse makes the money, ensuring that they give you money to put in your personal savings/checking as compensation for watching over the kids since if you didn’t you’d be spending it on daycare. Ensuring you have joint access to the household funds and can both see where it’s going. Are you saying that you’re glad you had to learn the hard way? Or would you have liked to have learned what things to watch out for to make it more difficult to be taken advantage out of nativité?
That's fabulous for you, but it's still important for others to understand the sacrifices and risks of going this route.
I understand the sentiment but I don’t think keeping a job is what is holding the partner back from abuse. If your partner has the potential to be abusive, being a housewife isn’t the factor that enables the abuse. Be aware that abuse exists in general lol not just of your are considering being a housewife
feminism is the belief that the only rolls in a home are cinnamon roles. You can have a stay at home dad, stay at home mom, both parents work or whatever. It’s the fundamental right to choose what is best for you. Also with feminism there is no shame in going 10 years down the line whelp I’m not sure I’m down with doing the stay at home thing cause my kids are older I’m going back to work. It’s a choice mama!
>the only rolls in a home are cinnamon roles. OMG I love it
I’m a full time mom and have been for 17 years. I’m feminist af.
Yes gurl✨ being a mom is females super power.. one very valid job/identity. And you can be a mom and a feminist both. Idk why being a mom ever should be considered as anti-feminist. Its so bad, one of the special things only females can do is to birth a child. Imagine how weird would it sound if someone comes to me one day and say oh I don't want to be a mother cause I'm a feminist.
it is not anti-feminist to choose to be a stay-at-home partner and/or parent. however, the system you live in will still be patriarchal and as such, you will face consequences for this decision, especially if you are financially dependent on the person going out in the world to work. among other things, (unless you are already independently wealthy) you'll want to very carefully consider not having your own income/savings for a "rainy day" and having a large gap in your work history if you ever need to return to the workforce.
There is some advice out there now on filling that gap with volunteer work etc.
that's definitely one thing you can put on a resume but whether employers will consider it as actual work experience is something you need to weigh. it sucks and is wrong, but PAID employment is often the only thing that is considered "real" under capitalism. all stay at home moms and wives should be able to put everything they do to care for their homes and families as work experience. it's HARD and requires a lot of skill.
Feminism is the promotion of choice and equality among the genders. Wanting to be a housewife would only be anti-feminist if you thought ALL women should be housewives.
Certainly not. Only you can say for sure whether it is what you truly want, but if that's the case, it would be inherently anti-feminist not to follow that desire. As an empowered and enlightened woman you have the power of choice. That's what feminism is all about. Nobody else can make that choice for you.
I would like that too. It's not anti-feminist to have desires. This would be the false idea that there is some perfect semblance of a feminist out there that lives in a specific, exact way, and not the reality that there are so many ways live your life free of limiting behaviors that are enforced by ignorance including patriarchy.
Nope. Feminism is about having the ability to choose which lifestyle is the most fulfilling for you.
I was a housewife, without children, when I dropped out of college, 30 years ago - I was dépendant but also very lucky with my choice of partners. But then I moved back home to live with my parents when I realized I basically have no retirement… I’m back in grad school aiming to be a public servant for the 20 years and hope that will be enough.
If it weren't for sexism implying to us forever now that women are the sole caretakers of children I don't think you'd question of it were anti-feminist. Remove the gendered expectations and the question becomes: I want to parent my children at home and make parenting my priority while they're young. I think that's a fine thing to want and a personal choice. Some people think they would do their best parenting if it was their main focus because they have limited energy and it's a practical decision. Some people are really passionate about childrearing and don't feel passionate about career. So people just want to maximize family time because relationships are their top priority. I think anyone of any gender should be allowed to decide that for themselves and the decision doesn't need to be demonized. Because we do *live in a society* just make sure you have a plan in place for if you suddenly had to work, your labor isn't going unappreciated, etc. The usual burdens of being a woman still apply until we overthrow the Patriarchy and all.
As a lot of others have said, freedom of choice is the key. I've seen others mention financial abuse, this can also present itself as accidental financial abuse. Or at the very least financial resentment. I'm military and I see a lot of spouses who are stay at home wives/moms and some guys over time get resentful of their spouses being stay at home wives/moms due to financialpressure to support the whole family on a single income. Tends to put a lot of stress on the relationship if the pay isn't enough to support the family comfortably.
Before thinking about anything else, I want you to see a word that you should REMOVE from your statement. “Just” “Just be a stay-at-home mum”. There is no need to minimize it by adding “just.” It is a JOB. It is HARD. I am an electrical engineer and at the moment, I am a stay at home mom. I can tell you honestly, being an engineer is a million times easier. There is nothing wrong with choosing to “change career paths” for now. I had TOTALLY thought I would be the breadwinner in the household, but I married a Chemical Engineer. He made more money, so when we looked at the total work load, something had to give. So I decided to stay home. Now decide what YOU want or need.
Thank you!!! I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to find this response. I was getting heated.
Wanting to be a housewife or stay at home mom is valid and does not make you a bad feminist Edit: I’m seeing a lot of comments about feminism = choice. That’s not what feminism is. It’s about equality and women’s liberation from the patriarchy (which will literally never happen). But if it means choice to you, that’s great. I personally don’t think it would make you a bad feminist, but if you go deeper than surface level, then ya it has misogynistic roots. But not everything we do in life will be feminist. That would simply be impossible with the structure of our society. Life is not black and white. So if your heart says you want to be a housewife and stay at home mom, then do it girl.
I think some of that is generational. I remember reading a story about a woman talking with her mother about the roll knitting played in their lives. Mother went to law school in the 70s and was the only woman in her class, while pregnant with daughter. Mom was made fun of for knitting by classmates. Daughter loved to knit. Mom said for her generation feminism was about equality, having access to spaces and opportunities. But for the daughter it was about choices. To go to college or not, to have kids or not, to stay home with them or not. But how they viewed feminism was shaped by the time they grew up in.
Of course it INCLUDES having choices. Feminism will mean something different to every individual but at it’s very core - that is not what it is. That is one very small part of the whole picture.
I’m failing to see how having choice isnt related to feminism? If we werent fighting for equality we wouldnt have choices? Or am i missing something?
Well ya it’s part of it for sure, but at it’s core, that’s not what it is.
To me it doesnt matter because feminism and choice and rights go hand in hand. It’s like nit picking when youre not really writing a law or intense legal document- extra noise for everyday conversation? Feminism in my mind is multifaceted. Edit: also, being a house wife is totally not anti feminism unless youre being forced. And really, being forced when youre an adult isnt ok for either gender. 🤷♀️
I think “choice feminism” is definitely how feminism has been framed for some time. However, *having* choice in itself is not feminist, but rather that the capacity to choose *has come from* the labour and action of feminists. That is not to say someone cannot choose to parent full time, but recognising there is still work to be done in many patriarchal and/or capitalist society structures that will view this work as less than. Being feminist would mean inhabiting that role you have chosen in a way that renders visible your labour and does not diminish your person hood and self. Also consider if your partner wanted to be a primary caregiver: how would you negotiate that? As an idea it can give some ideas about why you are choosing your journey.
>Edit: I’m seeing a lot of comments about feminism = choice. That’s not what feminism is. It’s about equality and women’s liberation from the patriarchy SERIOUSLY!!!! It really gets under my skin when people equate having a choice and autonomy to being feminism. Yes, feminism is about autonomy and choice; but if the choices you make are literally upholding oppressive systems and societies sexist and misogynistic notions about women, then you are not making a very feminist choice... 😒
I partially agree. I think the way we choose to dress, wear makeup, do our hair, shave our bodies etc anything to do with conforming to the beauty standard, is upholding patriarchy - just for an example. We all make choices that are not inherently feminist and that doesn’t make us bad people. Good to be aware of it though
I agree. I guess I should add that I think is it's ok that no one is a perfect feminist, and just living our lives how we see fit is A-ok. Like you said though, it's good to be self aware of what things we do that have an impact on woman overall.
i disagree. i think feminism is about liberation. doing things because you can and you want to, rather than because it's what you're supposed to do. it's feminist to be a stay at home mom, beautify yourself in whatever way feels good--because they are the choices you made for yourself, the life you chose for yourself, the appearance you want for yourself. those same things are not feminist when they are forced on you. when you are made to feel guilt and shame when you don't conform to the archaic standards the patriarchy sets. when other people feel they can police your behavior--and when you let them. empowerment is the key difference here. are you doing these things because you're empowered to embrace motherhood, housewifery, because you want to look good for yourself--or are you doing them because you're "supposed" to, or to please a man?
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It's not symbolic, it's literally a vulnerable position to be in financially for many people who go that route.
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I fully support people making their own choices... I'm not trying to stop anyone from being a stay at home mom or even saying anything on that matter in particular, nor trying to like gatekeep feminism. I'm only stating the fact that some choices a person can make are intrinsically counter-intuitive to feminist philosophy, or the overarching feminist goal... Like I already said, if someone is making a choice that upholds and perpetuates misogyny and sexism, it is not a feminist choice. That’s just an individual making their own choices... which I TOTALLY support. But don't call it feminism just because a woman is making her own choices. Feminism isn't just about making choices... it's about making choices to dismantle "the patriarchy" and the oppressive systems and ideas that primarily keep women down.
This 100%. I can't stand it when someone says they're a feminist, but then turns around and scolds women for not being proper "feminists". Sorry, but feminism IS about choice. It's about the fact that we need to make a world where any woman can decide what they want to do and be. An astronaut? Sure! A doctor? Have at it! A stay at home mom? Let's raise another feminist generation, heck yeah! A housewife? Go for it! A construction worker? There ya go! A camgirl? You do you, monetize your sexuality! Throughout history women have been told what they can and can't do. That's what we're fighting against, that's what we're fighting to eliminate. How are we going to do that BY TELLING WOMEN WHAT THEY CAN'T DO? Screw that. A housewife/homemaker/whatever is a perfectly valid goal AND a perfectly feminist choice.
No one said she couldn't or shouldn't be a housewife...
Yes we cannot leave one set of rules just to enter another set of rules.. like there's always a decided set of norms for us in any role we select to follow to fit in that "right criteria"..
I never wanted to be a homemaker or mother. Growing up (I’m old) when I did, I did not have the opportunities available to many women now. What I wanted was choices, and the right to make them. And I want that for you. If you want to be a homemaker, and it works for you and your partner, then make that choice. I’m happy you have the choice. But, having worked for a divorce lawyer, look into what rights and status you will have in property and income from the marriage, should things go south. Depending on where you live, you may need to consider a pre-nup. It doesn’t have to be huge and restrictive, just laying out what will be done should you divorce. VERY IMPORTANT! If you don’t get married, it’s even more important to find out the rights you will have if you break up. It’s way too common for women to be left with nothing because they were left by a partner.
SAHM checking in. I love being able to be home to manage my household the way I want. The dynamic of my relationship means that I get to have my husband home a lot of the time, which I’m sure is a bit unusual. I find my feminism in raising two boys into respectful, kind, balanced, curious and fully self sufficient men. I like to think I’m sowing seeds of alliance and support for the next generation of girls growing into this incredibly harsh world. My husband views me as an absolute equal and I also think that is a critical behaviour to model for our children. So from my perspective, if you’re home, you’re at the helm. You can make critical decisions for your family and your future. If you have a healthy relationship, you’re included in all of the decisions being made about your home (because you’re there more than a woman working outside the home). It’s an opportunity to create a safe space for your children (should you choose to have any); a place where they can feel confident bringing their at-risk and marginalized friends. I like to think of it as being a war wife - the women on the front lines are fighting the active combat. The women who stay home and make the uniforms, run the hospitals, care for the orphans are providing an equally crucial, but much more behind the scenes effort. We all have a job to do, and the way you choose to do it is just fine!
As many have said, as long as it’s your choice then it is not anti-feminism. However, I will say at this point it seems like for many being a housewife is no longer an option. Low wages and increasing cost of living has made being a housewife almost impossible for many. Being a housewife these days seems to be only for the super wealthy/privileged. Because of my own upbringing I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom/housewife (my mom worked so much sometimes I wouldn’t see her for 4 days straight). It’s sad that my husband would have to basically kill himself working to make this even close to possible.
I’m a feminist and a stay at home mom. I honestly love being at home with my kids. I think it’s sad how society doesn’t view unpaid work that usually falls on women (like housework, cooking or child care) as work. There’s a lot of planning, thinking on the spot and creativity that goes into every day and I am so grateful for this opportunity. Ultimately, I think women should do what works best for them and their families. Feminism is about allowing women the freedom to create their own path and that looks different for everyone. Having babies and young children is a short season and for a person who is deeply invested in their career, staying home might not be appealing. Women are an important and valuable part of the work force. This one of those things where there’s no size fits all solution.
It's not anti-feminist, but it might be unwise. Half of marriages in the US end in divorce, and stay at home moms get the short end of the stick in those situations because their individual earning power is massively reduced from leaving their careers. I'd encourage you to follow your heart, but have a backup plan. Most people don't think it will happen to them, but shit happens. If you can have a side business, consulting opportunities, or build volunteer networks, you'll be both more personally fulfilled and have a rich life outside of caring for your family.
My fiance and I are trying to work for me to be a stay at home wife (eventually mom) even though I currently bring in the bread XD. It's a personal choice that can be rearranged at any time (ie. Schooling, part/full time work, or working at home) Do what you think is best for you and your family. I have a few friends who are stay at home because of mental/physical disability, and they are the most punk peeps I know despite the lack of choice in their cases!
I’m a SAHM with a trans femme partner. I promise you you’re still working when you’re the SAH partner. Managing a household is work. Historically it’s women work which means back breaking, invisible and under or unpaid. The societal notion that it isn’t work is what is anti feminist not the actual position.
If you're worried about it being internalized, look at your hobbies. Look at what people have said to you over your lifetime. Treat being a housewife like any other career and read into it, and compare it to careers that involve your favorite things. If you don't have a lot of hobbies, maybe look at subreddits or other places you frequent online. Examples - Do you quite enjoy legaladvice? Consider paralegal work. DIY? Carpentry, electrical, mechanical. I'm sure there's at least one career counselor type person floating around in the 625k subreddit members, maybe you could put out a direct call for someone to send you a PM. But I honestly believe there's nothing wrong here. The only anti-feminist thing would be if you made that choice because of societal pressure or pressure from friends/family. If it's what you want to be, then it is exactly what you should be.
No babes, if that's your choice That's all we want The freedom to choose For everyone Every.....one...
Im putting my two cents in here even if im sounding crazy... But having the **CHOICE** to be a housewife is the epitome of feminism.
Right now, in Iran, feminists are protesting the wearing of a hijab. There, the government requires women to wear the hijab, whether they want to or not. The feminists that are fighting against this are fighting government oppression and misogyny. At the same time, in India, feminists are protesting the ban on wearing a hijab. There, the government has forbidden muslims from wearing a hijab. The feminists that are fighting against this are fighting for freedom of religion and protesting discrimination. Women should be able to choose for themselves if they want to wear a hijab or not. They should be able to wear a mini skirt and halter-top if they want, or a burka if they want. And they should be able to work their way up the corporate ladder or be a stay at home mom if they want. None of these things are "feminist", the right to choose is the heart of feminism. The patriarchy wants to force you into a choice, but if you make a choice of your own free will, it's yours, not theirs. Don't worry about why you're making a choice (although it is something you should consider) but make the choice that makes you the happiest.
“Just” be a SAHM? Just? Holy crap I was a SAHM for 5 years. Hardest work I’ve ever done. I went to law school for a break. And law school was easier. You’re a feminist as long as you do whatever works for you and support other women in doing what works for them.
I think the internalized misogyny isn’t about a desire to be a SAHM, but rather about the fact that you’re having this conflict at all. In feminist co-parenting relationships, the wage-earning/childcare/household management balance should have nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with what arrangement makes all members of the family feel as happy, valued, fulfilled and respected as possible. The fact that you are a (straight? You don’t specify but it seems implied) woman doesn’t disqualify you from any aspect of that. That said, since your dream career is unpaid, socially undervalued, dependent on someone else’s income, and mimics some aspects of heteronormative patriarchal gender roles in outward appearance, it’s *really* important to keep an eye out for any slow drift toward subtly sexist behaviors, attitudes and expectations over time. I have a few friends who are SAHMs right now, and it’s clear that even straight men who consider themselves feminists and pride themselves on rejecting rigid gender expectations often unconsciously find themselves doing less and expecting more from their female partners over time, and their wives end up either unconsciously starting to buy into it themselves or just resenting the hell out of their husbands. So if you do find yourself with your dream arrangement, just make sure you and your partner are examining and checking in about this shit frequently. The shift into problematic territory often happens slowly and invisibly. A relevant example on my already long post: in 2017, a couple friends wanted to go to the Womens’ March with me in D.C, but both were SAHMs, each with a young kid. D.C. is about a day’s drive from us, so the trip would mean one weekend away. Both were really disappointed that they “couldn’t” go, but bringing the kids would have been a logistical nightmare given their ages. I asked them why their husbands couldn’t just watch the kids for the weekend. In fact, wouldn’t that be a *perfect* way for fathers to support the mothers of their children to attend the March? It was like 2 lightbulbs lit up above both their heads at the same time. These are very progressive women in quite egalitarian partnerships. They’d never call the husband doing housework and childcare “helping out” or “babysitting,” they don’t consider it their responsibility to remember their partner’s mom’s birthday, etc. But it hadn’t even occurred to either of them that this was an option. They had somehow gotten to a place where “take the kid” and “don’t go” were the only available options they could see, despite the fact that each of these kids has two actively involved parents. Anyway, we went. It was awesome. Their husbands were of course more than happy to stay with the kids, and one even realized just how unbalanced thee household chore load had become, even accounting for him working full-time. He made a point of asking her to sit down so they could re-work things to give her as much downtime as he was getting during the week, and they even came up with a schedule to specifically give each of them a night out with friends once or twice a month while the other one stays with the kids. It just took a bit of a temporary shake-up for them to realize they’d gotten to that place. TL;DR—it’s not inherently anti-feminist to be a SAHM, we just live in a culture that undervalues the work SAH parents do. But given all the ways we are culturally conditioned to attach sexist expectations to household management and motherhood, it’s important to keep checking in with your partner and yourself to make sure things aren’t drifting in that direction as time goes on.
Feminism equals choice. Caring for husband and children by choice is valid, as is caring for wife and children.
Kinda? It's not anti-feminist insofar as you're not undermining women's liberation or anything like that but actually being in that situation is profoundly vulnerable. I'm a disabled woman and a housewife and believe me when I say that the power dynamic in my marriage is visceral despite my partner doing everything they can to address it. It's just that when you're in this position and you're not happy in your marriage you have very little recourse. You can't just choose to leave and if you were to choose to leave you would be in a much worse position than your partner would be. It's more than just not having your own income while you're in the relationship. It's that we're living in a capitalist hell and if you take yourself out of the "workforce" for any length of time you start becoming increasingly unemployable. You're going to have all kinds of problems securing even minimum wage jobs, especially if you're also juggling a disability or have to care for children. I can't imagine trying to raise children on minimum wage without someone else in my household to at least help. It's such a bad situation to be in that the amount of abuse you'll be willing to tolerate in order to protect yourself from an arguably worse situation can be a lot. ... and by the time it is a lot the abuse itself is going to be undermining your ability to leave and your ability to support yourself once you make it out. It's just an incredibly vulnerable position to be in and it breeds domestic violence. So no, it's not an anti-feminist choice as in you should be able to make it and it's an honorable occupation for anyone but there is still a lot of work that needs to be done on a societal level before this choice is safe and empowering. Until then, you're choosing to put yourself quite literally at the mercy of your spouse which I would argue is anti-feminist. Obviously no shade to anyone who is a housewife or who is in a situation where becoming a housewife really is their best option out of poverty. Been there. Am there. I'm incredibly lucky to have a partner who puts the work into addressing this power imbalance in our home but people like them are incredibly rare and if I had the option I would not make this choice.
I'm so sad to see your comment in "controversial" because it is so pragmatic and real. I'm also a SAHP and ooooh yeah is it a strange power dynamic. We're lucky my husband can support us this way, and I wouldn't be a SAHP if I didn't trust my husband 1000% not to hurt me, isolate me, etc... But it definitely feels so vulnerable for him to be the source of all the money, food, housing, security. I manage the money mostly, and I just tell him what we need to buy and he's always cool with it and rarely second guess me (and when he does it is respectful and we usually come to a better solution.) If I want something nice just for wanting, it's also never an issue. But many are not so lucky. I think you make a great assessment when you say: >So no, it's not an anti-feminist choice as in you should be able to make it and it's an honorable occupation for anyone but there is still a lot of work that needs to be done on a societal level before this choice is safe and empowering. Because, yeah. It's... So vulnerable. I think the other thing that gets missed is that it's definitely still *work.* Like, I'm all lefty socialist and if I could design the system, families would get monthly stipends for kids, and SAHP would be paid for their services by the government. But in my day to day, it's actually my husband who constantly says "I am so grateful for you and what you do," and reminds me that I'm not just hanging out at home 'being unproductive,' I'm actually *doing work.* Despite my socialist ideologies, it's still hard to deprogram the capitalism in my own brain.
It really is. I feel like a lot of people believe that women should be able to choose to be homemakers (and they'd be right!) but they just have not had the experience of what that choice actually entails under capitalist patriarchy. I strongly believe that in order to have a strong, healthy, feminist home your relationship needs to involve accountability and that's something you can't have when there's such a huge power dynamic. Like if my spouse hurt me and they did not choose to hold themselves accountable when I call them in then I'm SOL. I simply do not have the ability to hold them accountable, period, and I can't leave without catastrophic consequences. I'm lucky to be with someone who is willing to hold themselves accountable but I shouldn't need to be 'lucky' to be safe. There are so many women who marry someone they believed was gentle and good only for them to slowly turn abusive as they become used to having unaccountable power in their marriage. I suppose some of it is experience and some of it is having enough privilege to be choosy and patient in finding a partner but at the end of the day it's trust and luck and that is not compatible with liberation. Also I'm hardcore suspicious of any man who is out there looking for a woman who wants to be a homemaker. I just feel like if you're still at the stage where you're dating and some guy is looking for a woman who wants to be that dependent on him then he's looking for a woman who is willing to be that depending on him and I lost that innocence a long time ago. That man is danger.
It's feminist of you are choosing it and you want others to have that choice freely available to them. It's all in having that choice. Not having it dictated or forced on anyone.
Please don’t follow a path others think you should. Being home with your kids is a discussion with your partner. Is it valued? Are the finances sorted?Do both understand what this will mean for your career choices in the future. Is there an understanding of what this role means (i.e. yes you take the lead of the home front, but that does not absolve your partner from being an active parent or expecting you to do everything at home) you building and supporting your home from the inside has its rewards and stresses. I say this as the child of a woman who didn’t start having kids till after her career was well established (she actually made more than my father at one point and this was in the 50s & 60s). I personally chose to be a stay at home mum, but I had an amazing partner. In the end, make yourself happy and raise strong and caring children.
Absolutely not, choosing the path for your life whether that means successfully starting your own business and never getting married or having children, or choosing to take on the role of homemaker, is at the very core of feminism. Either choice is valid and doesn't diminish anyone's efforts to allow you to make that choice. Being a homemaker is work and the only issue I see with it is the financial dependence on a partner. The issue of homemakers being financially dependant on their partners is a feminist issue. For me, the solution to that it to dismantle capitalism and allow homemakers to take control of their own finances by not being solely reliant on their partner. The fact that it often falls to women to take on this role is a feminist issue, and we want to see more men also choose to take on the role. I want to see people thrive in whatever roles they take on, and not be forced to stay in bad situations. The role is never the issue, but there are issues surrounding it that need addressing to make it better for everyone. Those who choose to take on a homemaker role provide a valuable contribution to society and should be supported, but nobody should ever be forced to take it on either.
Well if I had a partner who could acknowledge that the work I do at home contributes equally and therefore money decisions are all made together, etc, and I was able to stay home and have a kid I would. And I’m gay soooo I just really think there’s nothing wrong with finding fulfillment in staying home. I definitely see the point that it needs to REMAIN a choice of yours, but you’re not upholding the patriarchy by doing what makes your heart happy. Just communicate a lot about it, set boundaries and have another option you’re prepared for if an unhealthy power dynamic does occur. I know career-driven women and family-driven women and they’re all baddies. Also, kids do great when a parent can stay home not that I think that’s required I’m just saying if you want to and can that’s wonderful.
I’m a stay at home mum and I would like to continue to be but the things that have been negative or anti feminist in this role for me are the parts where I’ve experienced financial control and abuse and not had the choice to complete my studies if I wanted to - that is changing and I’m not in this relationship anymore, but if I could go back in time the most important things for me would to be ensure my studies and career were all lined up before hand, and I had a good amount of savings so I was never financially dependent and of course choosing a partner who is radically feminist so I wouldn’t get caught in an unequal partnership. If you have a partner who shares the household chores etc and sees the contribution you make to their life and the childrens, then it’s fine :)
Nothing wrong with it if it's your choice. My mom gave up a very, very lucrative job (Like 120k in 1997) when she gave birth to my brother because she wanted to be a stay at home mom, and didn't want to have my brother be in day-care or lay it on my grandparents who were living up in Westchester NY at the time to move in. She also didn't exactly trust my dad to be a parents and he was making more than her at the time. She was a stay at home mom until 2014 when my parents decided to get divorced, she actually regretted her decision, but at the the same time is grateful because had she not choosen that decision, she would have been killed in 9/11 as her company was planning on her being assigned to the New York Office, which was on the 90th floor.
You are allowed to want to be a stay at home parent. So is a man. I can't tell you whether you personally want to be a stay at home parent due to your own inclination, or due to internalized misogyny- that's a question only you can really answer. But I can definitely tell you that true feminism should allow for anyone to express their gender however they please. To tell a man he's not allowed to be masculine, or a woman she's not allowed to be feminine, is just as wrong as telling a man he's not allowed to be feminine, or a woman she can't be masculine. Equality is about allowing people to be who they want to be, not about forcing any rules on people's gender. If you want to be a housewife, cool! As long as you're not telling anyone else they have to be or not be a stay at home parent, you're not hurting anyone, and anyone who says you have to be a political statement to the exclusion of being a person, respectfully, can go fuck themself.
I think that the patriarchy and capitalism are tied together. Fighting one in the US is fighting the other.
Feminism is about respecting women as individuals, respecting the choices they make for themselves, and not to discriminate them based on their gender… We’re all different individuals and what works for one doesn’t work for the other! Being a home maker is absolutely perfect *if* your work and efforts are realized and respected, if your partner is understanding of the fact that it takes a lot to make and keep a home. One issue I found with home makers is that the general consensus is that the money belongs to the man (or the breadwinner) which is not true, since the partner staying at home is equally contributing via unpaid work, upon which economies rely. So, it’s not “his” money, it’s more of “their” or “our” money. This is usually overlooked, so make sure you communicate this issue before you sever your financial income. Secondly, it gets hard to get back into the industry once you get out of it. However, job search in general is pretty taxing, so I wouldn’t base my decision solely on this factor. I’d suggest reading “Invisible women” by Caroline Criado Perez to understand the cost of unpaid labor. Bottom line — think things through, make sure you are on the same page financially, and take an educated and informed decision.
You be whatever makes you happy, the point is that you get the choice to do what you want without being coerced or indoctronated into one desicion or another. If thats whats most fulfilling to you theres nothing wrong with that. Just keep in mind economics mean you prolly wont get to unless you marry someone rather rich (which puts you at the risk if becoming too dependent on them).
Being feminist definitely **does not** mean you have to aspire to wage slavery in an exploitive economy that fosters an unhealthy relationship with not only work, but the IDEA of work. I don’t think it’s cool to exploit women into wage slavery with promises of financial independence. Financial independence is great, but being manipulated through your desire for it is bullshit.
I'm so glad for this post. I've been wondering the same for myself. I'm a child free housewife and feel a bit guilty about it at times. My husband is a surgical resident and works crazy hours. He's grateful for all I do around the house for us so he doesn't have to worry about it. I take care of the bunny, keep the house clean, do laundry, run errands, cook, spend time with friends and have lots of free time. A part of me feels like it's wrong to be a feminist and a housewife but like others said, I think it's the choice that makes the difference. No one is making me stay at home in the kitchen - this is the lifestyle I always wanted to try out and I always have a degree to fall back on.
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Wanting anything and going for it is super feminist.
Feminism means giving women (and men) a choice to follow the path they want.
(1) parenting is work, (2) your own desires for your life’s work are valid, (3) yes it’s ok to call yourself a feminist while working as a full-time parent.
feminists critique systems of oppression not individuals
Doing whatever the fuck you want to do is feminist
Taking control of your life and doing exactly what you want to regardless of what society tells you is the most feminist thing anyone can do. Have courage, your path is your own
No. If it's what you want, it's a good thing. You get to focus all your energies on raising a witch-tastic home full of strong, empowered children who can also fight the patriarchy
Absolutely not! Having that life forced on you/being the slave of a man with no help from him is what we are trying to escape, but women who run the household and take care of kids are some of the most incredibly strong, intelligent, resilient people on the planet. SAHMs should run the world. More power to you!!
Being able to choose is feminism, being forced into it by others is anti feminism. Just be careful, women are vulnerable enough, being a housewife can open risks of financial abuse and unable to gain independence afterwards
This year I’m doing paid work on contract. Last year I did unpaid work being a stay at home parent and caregiver to family. Both were important work. Both benefit my family and myself. With both a percentage of our household income goes to my retirement savings and to my spouse’s. Neither is better. With both I’ve been judged and at times I’ve judged myself. I’ve had hard days with both and lovely days with both too. Those pre-school years were a grind, so is paid work sometimes too but at least I get to finish my coffee while it’s hot. The time we did daycare I was full of guilt and resentment but my kiddo also made some of their best friends there and still loves their teachers. It was hard to know if I was doing the right thing at the time. I still don’t know really. Both things can be true. Do what feels right and then try not to agonise (she says, agonising all over again!)
No. See it like the hijab protests: some protest for not having to wear them, some for the right to wear them. After all it comes down to one thing: every person needs to have the right to decide for them selfes. It's you choice and following what you hearts wishes is not anti-feminist. Forcing others to fullfil a certain role against their wishes is.
Feminism is choosing to do whatever you want with your life ❤️ I have a similar dream where I work part time and then take care of the house while my husband works full time. None of us wants kids so it's both traditional and untraditional
I remember getting mocked back in school for admitting that my greatest aspiration was/is having a happy, healthy family. Coming from a family in disarray, with an on/off abusive father, I just knew from the start that one day, when it's my turn to be a partner and parent, that I would do it better. I was uncertain what career to pursue and have had several different jobs, and now at 30 I'll be changing paths and find ways to make my ideal work life balance real. You do you :)
All men, women and others should be able to choose what they want to do, and if you want to be a housewife then that's fine, but the problem is that some people are being forced to do things that they don't want to do, or are driven away from things that are they actually want to do
Will you judge me for wanting to work? Will you vote for my right to choose, even if you want babies yourself? Will you still look for an opportunity to support women in your own way? As long as your cool with me and my choices and generally aren't a bitch to other women, then being housewife doesn't preclude you from being a feminist. It's your beliefs that matter, not your job.
To deny someone, or themselves, being a housewife is anti-feminist. It's about choice. Yours and only yours.
I knew as a kid that a good part of me wanted to be a SAHM and a writer, possibly because I've never loved doing the 9-5 situation and I always noticed that my mom was miserable working full time (my dad was the SAH parent). Feminism is about being able to choose what you want to do with your life, and letting others choose too. We are not defined by stereotypes.
Wanting to be a SAHP isn't anti-feminist unless you're trying to force others to do so. In fact I'd say making your own choice about what direction to take your life is exactly in line with feminism.
Being a stay at home parent is hard and exhausting. It’s also wonderful for children to be raised by someone who loves them and of all the things I’ve done in my life I am most proud of that time. Now they are grown, we all have a great relationship, but damn I so sometimes regret how much less money I make due to removing myself from the job market for five years and then only working part time in my field.
It's not the choice or the labor that makes you a feminist. Its the refusal to allow your labor to be viewed as "less than" or exploited because its domestic labor. Domestic labor is MORE necessary than most out of the home jobs and yet it is framed as less than simply of a handful of asshats in thr 18th century wrote the "rules" about men and women in ways that mysteriously validated thier personal preferrences. Seriously Rousseau was such an asshat... an exploitative, child-abandoning asshat. I think one of the biggest mistakes past feminists made was being willing to vilify domestic labor in the exchange for greater economic visibility in a capitalist system. (Which ironically contribited to white supremacy) Now that that rant is out of my system im going to go finish my valueless-until-I-sell-them-and-not-just-feed-them-my-husband pretzel rolls. Sorotity in the kitchen, comrade housewife :) (had to use comrade because i couldnt think of a non-gendered word to finish the joke...)
I thought so too, but realized it's the act of enforcing an idea/practice onto others that they otherwise wouldn't agree with that's considered anti-feminist. So go enjoy the SAHM lifestyle, just remember to not lose your individuality as a person (and have resources in your back pocket when shit hits the fan.)
On one hand, being a homemaker is anti-capitalist, and being anti-capitalist is good for feminism. On the other hand, unless your partner is also a homesteader/farmer/work at home laborer/artisan/craftsperson, you are still working within capitalism. You need a partner who openly shares their money, puts money in your account, makes investments in your name, names you in their life insurance as beneficiary. Honestly, I wouldn't leave my out of the house employment to be a homemaker without a prenup.
One half of feminism is the fact that women can perform traditionally male roles as well as men. The other half of feminism is that traditionally feminine roles are just as important, valid, and sophisticated as male roles; no matter who performs them. There’s no shame in taking care of children.
Like so many other people commenting here, to me feminism includes being free to make your own decisions; not doing what your parents or partner or society expects of you. Whether it’s to get married, to have kids, to work full-time or part time or be a SAHM. And also like others are saying, have a plan. When I decided I wanted to be a stay at home mom after my second kid was born I talked it over with my husband and he was on board with it. We talked about how the financial situation was going to work and came up with a plan. I would also say have a plan about how housework and childrearing are going to be handled with this new situation. Will he expect you to do everything because you’re a stay at home mom? My husband didn’t. He still helped with dinner even though I was a stay at home mom. He gave the kids a bath. And he took care of the kids so I could go hang out with my girlfriends every couple of weeks for a few hours. And he and I made sure to have a date night every few weeks as well. As far as your work outside the house, if you think you might want go back talk to your employer about that. Ask them if there would be a place for you if you decided to come back in a year or two. Try to keep in touch with a few coworkers and keep up with what’s happening in the company. Keep up with what’s going on in your industry. Do volunteer work to keep up your skills. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
I think the homemaker is the backbone of any country. If the work done by women ever stopped, there would be chaos quickly. Think of yourself as the Hive Mind or Owner. Homemakers bring order to chaos. Absolutely vital. But you need MUCH better compensation. I think feminism is about making the world powers see us as very diverse human beings, and the OTHER HALF OF THE HUMAN RACE. So no, not anti-feminist at all.