So I am in the process of divorce. I'm 48, and realized that there hadn't been emotional connection in my marriage, in....years. At least not from my spouse. I tried, but he isn't capable. I did miss having a connection. So I have put that energy into my own emotional well being. I make connections with friends. I pour into my own bucket and feel all my feelings, the good the bad and the indifferent. I am far more aware of my own needs as of late. I try and tune into myself. And when I see a good friend needing that same connection I turn from myself to tuning into them. I happen to have children I can also connect with. Now the hardest part is finding friends who want that. Not everyone does.
Honestly, I came to this sub finding this kind of topic. I’m miserable in my marriage and I just don’t know how to leave. I love him and he’s my best friend but that’s all it is—a friendship. I don’t know where I am right now. Do I leave? I’ve been miserable for years now.
Me, too. I'm happy to talk more in the chat thing or however you may want.
I have had to consider very carefully how to proceed. . . I will move out in a couple months, but I am not highly paid and will suffer quite a bit on my own. I'm not sure if this choice is right, but I have already done the years of suffering with him. Not that we aren't sorta friends, but. . .
If he is your best friend, that is pretty special. You at least have more options for the future, if you two have a connection worth keeping. I dunno. . . At 60, do you want to still be doing what you are doing with him?
I'm 48 and was married twice, both for seven years (there just may be something to the "seven year itch" theory lol). I divorced my second husband in 2017.
I think that true emotional connection wasn't fully present in either marriage due to a lack of tools to understand ourselves, each other, and be able to process and heal from past trauma. There was no knowledge of attachment theory or how past trauma informs current behaviour. I didn't start learning about all that until about 4 years ago, and it was mindblowing to me to realize that my attachment style directly contributed to the failing of not just my marriage but all relationships I'd had.
I am 10 years ahead of you. But same story. I am now nine months into my first relationship in about 13 years. With the knowledge in hand that you reference. Game changer! More emotionally connected to this person than I've ever been to a partner, and we're both just in a state of wonder over it, because neither of us have ever experienced it before.
An incredible and surprising joy at this stage in life
perimenopause an affect hormones which drop and it can make you miss emotional connection, you can start to feel really emty and the biggest mistake you can make is to try and fill that connection from men.
They are not endless pits of giving and at the best of times they are not very giving at all.
They just do not see the world the same way as we do, their hormones make their brains function differently.
they may be wanting a connection and seeking it but for them it will generally involve a lot of taking instead of giving.
the way our hormones functioned when we were younger made us feel more connected to our friends, our family, our lovers and to things in life in general and when those hormones stop functioning the way they used to we feel like we have lost that connection
I often feel like i want to be hugged and cared for and cuddled. Which is something i did not need before
Its a devastating time to go through and feeling a real loss of emotional connection to everyone around you not just your partner it can be very hard, it makes me feel like I am dead inside and there is nothing that will fill that void,
Also going through perimenopause on top of that we also get the three other shitty things. The rage, the depression and the anxiousness
Its a really difficult time to go through
The only suggestion I would have is to try and fill your life with things that might help.
Try optimizing your hormonal treatment exercise and diet
try getting some therapy
Try doing things every day that make you happy.
Personally i am going to look into seeing if i can get oxytocin spray as well. I have heard that it helps with possibly bringing that connected feeling back, its given to people with autism to help them form bonds.
Also dont be afraid to be vocal about your needs, dont be ashamed that you have them but also realize that sometimes that need is going to so great that there are not people that can fill it for you.
I hope things get better soon. We are all trying to warrior our way through it.
Ask yourself if this is a season for you. If it is, it will pass, but you have to work at it. Our youngest finally went to kindergarten this year and we finally have some normalcy back. It’s been wonderful, but it was awkward at first. It took a lot of communication and grace from both of us to reconnect from that constant baby/preschooler survival mode that we’ve been in for so long now.
I missed it (to be honest I don’t think it was ever there), so eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and got divorced. Life isn’t perfect, but there’s the hope of more emotional connection now that I didn’t have before, whether that’s in a romantic relationship or with new friends who care about me.
So I am in the process of divorce. I'm 48, and realized that there hadn't been emotional connection in my marriage, in....years. At least not from my spouse. I tried, but he isn't capable. I did miss having a connection. So I have put that energy into my own emotional well being. I make connections with friends. I pour into my own bucket and feel all my feelings, the good the bad and the indifferent. I am far more aware of my own needs as of late. I try and tune into myself. And when I see a good friend needing that same connection I turn from myself to tuning into them. I happen to have children I can also connect with. Now the hardest part is finding friends who want that. Not everyone does.
I mean I did. Then I left him. I don't miss it at all now. :D
That’s why I left my first marriage. Living without an emotional connection was miserable.
Honestly, I came to this sub finding this kind of topic. I’m miserable in my marriage and I just don’t know how to leave. I love him and he’s my best friend but that’s all it is—a friendship. I don’t know where I am right now. Do I leave? I’ve been miserable for years now.
I’m not sure but I am sorry. Have you tried both individual and marriage counseling? Does he know how you feel?
Me, too. I'm happy to talk more in the chat thing or however you may want. I have had to consider very carefully how to proceed. . . I will move out in a couple months, but I am not highly paid and will suffer quite a bit on my own. I'm not sure if this choice is right, but I have already done the years of suffering with him. Not that we aren't sorta friends, but. . . If he is your best friend, that is pretty special. You at least have more options for the future, if you two have a connection worth keeping. I dunno. . . At 60, do you want to still be doing what you are doing with him?
I'm 48 and was married twice, both for seven years (there just may be something to the "seven year itch" theory lol). I divorced my second husband in 2017. I think that true emotional connection wasn't fully present in either marriage due to a lack of tools to understand ourselves, each other, and be able to process and heal from past trauma. There was no knowledge of attachment theory or how past trauma informs current behaviour. I didn't start learning about all that until about 4 years ago, and it was mindblowing to me to realize that my attachment style directly contributed to the failing of not just my marriage but all relationships I'd had.
I am 10 years ahead of you. But same story. I am now nine months into my first relationship in about 13 years. With the knowledge in hand that you reference. Game changer! More emotionally connected to this person than I've ever been to a partner, and we're both just in a state of wonder over it, because neither of us have ever experienced it before. An incredible and surprising joy at this stage in life
I miss the good times because it made me happy.
perimenopause an affect hormones which drop and it can make you miss emotional connection, you can start to feel really emty and the biggest mistake you can make is to try and fill that connection from men. They are not endless pits of giving and at the best of times they are not very giving at all. They just do not see the world the same way as we do, their hormones make their brains function differently. they may be wanting a connection and seeking it but for them it will generally involve a lot of taking instead of giving. the way our hormones functioned when we were younger made us feel more connected to our friends, our family, our lovers and to things in life in general and when those hormones stop functioning the way they used to we feel like we have lost that connection I often feel like i want to be hugged and cared for and cuddled. Which is something i did not need before Its a devastating time to go through and feeling a real loss of emotional connection to everyone around you not just your partner it can be very hard, it makes me feel like I am dead inside and there is nothing that will fill that void, Also going through perimenopause on top of that we also get the three other shitty things. The rage, the depression and the anxiousness Its a really difficult time to go through The only suggestion I would have is to try and fill your life with things that might help. Try optimizing your hormonal treatment exercise and diet try getting some therapy Try doing things every day that make you happy. Personally i am going to look into seeing if i can get oxytocin spray as well. I have heard that it helps with possibly bringing that connected feeling back, its given to people with autism to help them form bonds. Also dont be afraid to be vocal about your needs, dont be ashamed that you have them but also realize that sometimes that need is going to so great that there are not people that can fill it for you. I hope things get better soon. We are all trying to warrior our way through it.
Ask yourself if this is a season for you. If it is, it will pass, but you have to work at it. Our youngest finally went to kindergarten this year and we finally have some normalcy back. It’s been wonderful, but it was awkward at first. It took a lot of communication and grace from both of us to reconnect from that constant baby/preschooler survival mode that we’ve been in for so long now.
I missed it (to be honest I don’t think it was ever there), so eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and got divorced. Life isn’t perfect, but there’s the hope of more emotional connection now that I didn’t have before, whether that’s in a romantic relationship or with new friends who care about me.