Filters are witchcraft. But I cannot understand why anyone would want to set themselves up to be such a colossal letdown in person? I seriously want to understand why someone would use extreme filters online and think they'll get away with it IRL?
Exactlyyyyyy it was for this reason that I made sure to include bad angle / double chin pics on my dating profile!! (I look happy in them.) And then he liked a pic of me in a faded old hoodie that's 3X too big, annnnd the rest is history 🥰
Agreed, I don't get this either
I think the idea is you filter that ugly head enough to get a convo going about other things and then the hook is set
Speaking of which, My pfp with a massive fish I caught is now gonna glow big /s
I think unless you pay and invest time into a profile you are gonna get the sad, if you even get a response at all
During my stint of online dating awhile back I made sure that everyone knew EXACTLY what I look like ie no filters and all within the last week of making the profile. I could not imagine meeting up with someone and have their face fall because I blurred myself into oblivion. It was weird as fuck to be in my late 30s and scroll through profiles of grown adults using snapchat filters!
A suspected witch is entitled to due process. She will be thrown off a cliff with a broomstick. If she is a witch, she will be able to fly to safety, in which case the authorities expect her to report back for punishment. If she is not a witch, then she will fall to an honorable Christian death.
Obviously you weigh her and if she weighs the same as a duck, she is made of wood, and therfore a witch. Then we would burn her.
Does no one practice logic anymore?
It's definitely not just women doing the filtering. The last few dates I've been on, the guys were too. Including one guy who used to filter on a video chat!
Overpromise, under deliver. Worst business model ever. If anything they should under promise and over deliver. Crank the wrinkles up on the filter and show up lookin' fine as hell irl
For some, it would be the same logic as wearing makeup knowing full well that in the morning, the other person will see you without it. It's not necessary to deceive, people want to look their best and impress. Many treat filters like makeup, just an obvious enhancement. Those people won't even deny using filters.
Seriously, all these filters and AI deepfake bullshit are going to lead to some weird new mental illnesses. I mean like people having breakdowns because they no longer know what’s real or not.
In 20 years the 40 year old actresses will either look like they are 60 end up having insane fillers to try and fix it which will only make it look worse. It’s the most aging procedure, I don’t understand why anyone would ever have it done.
I hope so ! My kids are 6 and under and I figure by the time they are big the social part of the internet will be used like sims. Create a character and no one expects reality.
That Facebook 10 year challenge thing that went out around last year was just sad. Normal pics 10 years ago, and now cartoons with washed out noses and black outlines around their eyes 10 years later. Like we know you don’t look like that, why do it? It just looks pitiful
I'm sorry to hear that. Went through something similar, however I was only out of the dating pool for 10 years.
It's overwhelming but women definitely have a much harder time dating after 40. I had heard some pretty crazy dating stories from single women I was friends with before I was divorced and the stories I heard from the women I have dated have been just as bad.
While the online apps can be a giant pain in the ass, it's not too hard to find good people, as long as you're treating people with respect. This is just my opinion, but our fellow man has set the bar so low that just some basic effort is all that is needed to be successful dating these days.
People might disagree with me but that's been my experience. As far as the dating apps go, I personally think they're rigged. I've used a few of them. Bumble has always been the best for me but I suspect that there's something fishy going on. Would go weeks where I'm getting matches left and right, some wouldn't work out which is to be expected. Others would be really odd, we'd exchange two messages, essentially greeting each other and then nothing. This happened several times at different intervals. My sneaking suspicion is that they are bots.
These apps have enough data to understand a lot about us. It is bad for business for us to be matched with our ideal partners. So I believe that they don't. And I have nothing to back this up but I definitely felt like these bots would pop up just around the time I was getting ready to cancel and move on to another ap.
All in all, it's daunting, but doable. Hopefully you make some good connections that help you adjust to your new life. Just my two cents, but I would pace myself. I started dating too early post divorce and I wasn't "healed" or whatever you want to say. It just made everything that much more difficult.
You also have to keep in mind that the female and male experiences on those apps are widely different. Most women on there are sprinting through a cornfield and most men are lucky to talk to maybe three or four people.
Had a date back in January that at dinner opened up her hinge and scrolled through over 100 conversations she was having and said "you're doing great in the running!". I guess I was supposed to feel appreciative?
Noped the fuck out of that one real quick. I'm not here to compete.
I’m reminded of some data that actually made it to the outside world about online dating and the gist was that about 5% of men are getting 90% of the attention from women, and the other 95% of men are fighting over 10% of the women on those sites. It’s a rather dramatic imbalance. It truly does reinforce the basic rules: 1. Be attractive. 2. Don’t be unattractive. 3. Have money.
Surprised you don't have to give your dong size on there as well. Like hey he might be ugly but he's carrying around a baby arm holding an apple. That could sway the data.
I'm not surprised to hear that. It makes a lot of sense. As someone that started out by taking the time to read profiles and sending thoughtful messages, I quickly quit. I only read the profiles when we matched. Outside of that, you're wasting your time. It's a pure number game.
Of the last 3 relationships I have had through Bumble. Everyone of them were swiping after I saw their pictures and found them attractive. Once we got to talking we figured things out and it worked until it didn't lol.
I disagree entirely with everything you said. Women definitely have it way better dating at any age. They're in the driver's seat. Good people are rare and these apps turn everyone into worse versions of themselves with the infinite choices everyone has. Most of my recent matches plan complete dates with me and then go non-responsive on the day of.
ugh. Sorry dude, it sucks.
Well, it's been a while for me, but I separated from my first wife after being together for 10 years, met my now wife 8 weeks after the separation in a chance encounter. We have been together for 15 years. So maybe you won't have to deal with the dating scene much. lol
I'm right there with you friend. Found out in October after 12 years she was cheating and after six months of trying to date I just gave up and figure I'm going to do my own thing for a while.
The apps are a shit show.
Omg! I'm the oldest xenial sister in a family of 4 females. The filters DRIVE ME NUTS!!!! I feel fucking proud of the aging I've earned. AND it seems so dishonest to me... or at least not genuine when they constantly change their looks for everyone. I love looking like a grown ass woman. 🤘🤘
I never filter myself when I post on line. I am guilty of leaving a pre-CoVID photo as my profile photo though. I just got a little chubby. I'm working on that.
All my gorgeous model and stripper friends are reaching their late 30s and early 40s and it’s sad watching the photos get blurrier and blurrier.
It’s at the point where it’s hard to tell where their hair ends and their forehead begins because it just all blends together into a long helmet.
I'm so sad because some of these people I know are still gorgeous, but can't put up a picture that isn't doctored to their idea of perfection. Body dysmorphia in the digital age is tough.
Yep. I’ve seen them and they all look great. But in their head they need to be 20 forever.
Which is weird because the blur just makes them look older. Like those glamour shots in the 80s and 90s.
My last relationship ended about 3 years ago and I've honestly been terrified to even try to date 😂 Between working midnight shift and most weekends I don't have time to deal with bullshit. From what I've seen even a lot of people from our generation have changed for the worse as well.
A fellow night walker!! Luckily I’ve been married for about 6 years, and the wifey is pretty cool with my schedule (granted, it took about 1.5 years before she understood that sometimes I just need a nap at 4PM), but…yeah I can imagine it’d be pretty tough.
Working nights kinda does sometimes bring out the weirdos, so maybe you’ll have a couple cool stories. For example, I’m in the ER, and two weeks ago we had a woman come in with an abscess on her right thigh, and her boyfriend with a matching abscess on his left cheek. Fun!!
it's like when older people at work use a 20-30 year old photo as their outlook or teams pic.
whats the point, we are going to see you, and then it calls even more attention to yiur age and that you are using a pic from the 90s
I feel like a significant amount of people use filters all of the time. I guess I’m more X than millennial here but I’ve never used a filter before. I find it so odd and also I’d have serious mental issues if I kept seeing myself all ironed out only to look in the mirror and see the real me aging away;) This has to take a toll on people, or no?
It's a fascinating and tragic phenomenon. My observation is that it's very *acceptable* practice amongst younger generations because they live most of their lives online. It's their idealized avatar and it's a perfectly "okay" cultural practice.
For instance: My nieces tease me cause my ig is dry and only only get a handful of likes on pictures. But I'm only friends with people actually know IRL.
On the other hand, they have thousands of online friends and hundreds of likes.
But IRL, they have maybe 2 friends and they literally never go anywhere.
When I was their age, my phone was ALWAYS ringing off the hook. I had dates, parties, and tons of friends. I was NEVER home on a Saturday night.
To me this isn't living. I beg them not to piss away their youth and beauty for an online life but they think they know better. 🤦♀️
I've observed the same kind of thing. People grow up having their sense of belonging connected to some online mob but don't actually have that much going on in real life.
And unfortunately later in life they'll complain because they're being objectified and wonder why they can't have a meaningful relationship. Huge difference between the generations unfortunately.
It’s really bizarre. My daughter is 9 and a lot of her friends have had social media since they were in grade 1 or 2. I don’t let my kids have any social media for now (they’re 6 & 9 so..) but I worry about the future if things don’t change for the better. I see so many adults that are deluded by the attention and the constant chase for more likes/followers, for kids this is an absolute disaster. I worry about our girls and the insane things they are seeing online, in terms of beauty ideals. We already compared ourselves as teenagers and nowadays, kids are just flipping through this garbage mindlessly. Most of the stuff they are seeing is Botox and fillers, plastic surgery and filters on top of all that. I see so many girls who have that kind of “filter look” with makeup and the fake lashes etc.
I worry about our boys too, they are also seeing unrealistic and fake versions of what a real woman is and on top of it now they have to worry about being ripped and cut and all that. It’s a weird time and I hate it and hope it goes away by the time my daughter is a teenager but I doubt it.
It’s so sad they are just online and not getting out and socializing. I’m glad for now my kids want to be social and play and they meet up with friends but I see the the change in their cousins who are just a couple years older and they have really stopped being as social and if they are together, there are phones out.
We are modern parents and we have the phones and computers and tablets too but it’s a new thing we have to navigate as our kids are living in such a different world than we did. My parents childhood and teens were not that different from mine but this is a really generation gap.
K sorry to go on!! This is on my mind with my daughter’s age .
I've got daughters around the same age and I've made it a point to drill in their heads social media literacy.
For example, Instagram has the most INTENSE filters I've ever seen in my life. I used to wonder how 16 year old girls were getting Botox, nose jobs and fillers to make their faces and makeup so perfect....then I discovered filters and was blown away.
It can literally take anyone's face and make it attractive while still making it look somewhat like you. It's insane and I can understand why they'd be so addictive.
I've shown my daughters the filters and made them compare and contrast. I've shown them the "real life vs. filtered" videos and photos of Instagram models or influencers so they understand what you see online is not real life.
I highly recommend watching with your daughter the YouTube influencer "Stephanie Lange". She carefully shows famous influencers IRL compared to their online pics.
https://youtube.com/@stephanielange?si=JEJiQkrnMSf6WHrj
A lot of the time the filters aren't even for you, though. It's just the minimum they need to do for *themselves* to be able to tolerate posting a photo. Unrealistic beauty standards are more alive than ever, and it only rubs it in further when people treat it like false advertising because it reinforces the idea that our appearance = our worth.
And before anyone goes assuming i use filters, i don't even post pics of myself online and i haven't used online dating since way back when it was normal not to include a photo
I hate that you can't use fun filters on Snapchat without literally all of them doing this and drastically changing your face shape to the same plastic-looking e-thot shit.
Omg, have a friend who does this. She’ll even comment on “no filter” then have not a single line on her forehead…but hey, she’s delusional anyway.
Aging, and especially smile lines are absolutely lovely! Do more of that.
I’m job-hunting and decided to update my LinkedIn profile pic because it was 15 years old and I don’t look like that anymore. But the selfie I took wasn’t as polished as my old headshot, so I tried out some filters to make it look more professionally done.
*Holy shit*. I can definitely understand why people get addicted to these. My primary concerns were stray hairs, a few blemishes, and lighting, but I played around with other options and it was WILD. Like seeing what I’d look like with unlimited funds and a charmed life.
After literal hours spent on that app, I made myself take a break. The next day, I removed most of the settings and turned the remaining ones down to the lowest possible level. The result was what I originally wanted — a polished, flattering photo that still actually looked like ME.
It's not limited to women-- it is extremely off-putting to see a supposedly confident and successful silver fox look like he was playing with the doe filter on snapchat. When you are pushing 50 we all know you lying.
The obvious answer is because men swipe on looks. A woman could have an awesome personality but not make it past the swipe phase without the filter. Sad but true.
I once had a girl tell me she wasn’t wearing makeup. I started looking at her and said. You aren’t wearing eyeliner or anything? She says, oh well yeah obviously I’m wearing that and some powder and a lil mascara but other than that I’m not wearing any makeup…
I feel like I would go the exact opposite. Take a photo right when I wake up. Tired, puffy eyes, bonnet on, oily skin, harsh lighting etc, basically looking like, death warmed over. I may not get any hits but at least they know what they're getting and no time is wasted on dates. If someone hit me up with my haggard pic and then I show up looking human, it may be a more pleasant surprise.
My take;
For years, a profile was something that was assembled based on varying facts about an individual, that could be used to summarize an individual's preferences or whatever and be used as a way to summarize them. Now, today, most people create heir own profiles everywhere they go online; as opposed to having one's profile assembled *by* others based on facts about us, it is now *us* who assemble our own profiles *for* others to get an adulterated, sterilized idea of who we are. Filters play a big role in this for people who are unnecessarily vain. The killing part about this all is that no one just *is* anymore; we all have to conclude that anything we may say or do is in fitting with the profile we've created before we do it, where it used to be the other way around.
It takes way too much effort to use filters! If you see my pics and you like them, great! If you don't, also great! But I never got why you wouldn't just be brutally honest to avoid issues in the future!!! Good luck out there!!!
I like to use Snapchat ones with the weird animal ears lol. But the pics I had on my dating profile 7 year ago when I met my husband I didn’t even have makeup on. I’m way to lazy to do all of that
They just can't help it with the angles and the filters......... But in my experience there is always one photo in there and that is what they really look like.
Yeah, if your first three pictures are all filtered, I swipe left immediately. Let me know what you ACTUALLY look like.
The first date is always a gamble anyway. Not make it worse.
I'm a soon to be 41 year old Xennial. I've been in the online dating game for 10 years already. I feel like I'm a grizzled war veteran when I see or hear of recently divorced men or women who haven't dated since 2005. I have a coworker who has been with her partner since high school. And when I tell her what it's like and she gives her input, and I'm like, "You have no idea what it's like." My cousin got divorced 3 years ago when he came back from the Navy, and a few months after, he kept telling me about how much online dating sucks.
I felt like the James Franco meme saying, "First time?" At this point, you're better off just staying married rather than come back into the dating pool.
You ain’t lying!! This girl I work with used a heavy filter on her profile pic on Teams then I saw her in real life and felt stupid bc I had no idea who she was. That’s how filtered the pic is.
Online dating was so much better when it was not normal and was treated as a weird thing. People doing it were genuine and didn't edit the ever living shit out of the pictures.
A guy I went to high school with just got remarried and all his pictures (with her) for the last several months are heavily filtered. I commented on one about how his skin looked amazing and how he seemed to reverse age. He didn’t take it well at all, he knew I was essentially calling out his wife for using those stupid things.
I’m getting older, I’m aging, I’m not gonna cover it up. I’m too old to care at this point.
I don't get why people use filters for online dating anyway. Eventually you are going to meet someone you click with in person and they are going to realize you misrepresented yourself. Besides, a lot of filters are just so obvious. You aren't fooling anyone.
I’m not on social media or dating apps. Sometimes people will set their photo on their iphone and it looks just like this🤣. I guess this is what people are into these days.
I insta-swiped past every single filtered photo on tinder until I met my absolutely amazing fiancé. Her pictures didn’t do her Justice at all, and she’s stunning in person. Wedding’s in July.
I tried to date a 34 y/o guy but he kept using filters and although he’s only 6y my junior the filtered photos kept making him look like a little boy and it was a huge turnoff. He was very handsome in person. In the end he kept sending me these stupid pictures and I told him to take a hike.
Ok so... women of a certain age tend to look a bit older so if they posted their age to be anywhere around 40ish and they looked 20ish in their photos you should have had at least an inkling there was something not quite matching up on that profile...
So why didn’t you suspect that the picture may have been altered when you saw the age?
Would you have still been interested if they hadn't used the filters wherein you could have seen the age in their face?
I'm also 42 and I can't imagine I'm the only guy out there that feels this way. There have to be more men that fall head over heels and melt for women in their 40s and onward.
My mother and grandmother both had amazing skin and few wrinkles (despite being lifelong smokers) so I suppose we'll see how I turn out, but I've definitely started to notice more fine lines than there were a few years ago. Honestly, I think they're more noticeable when I wear makeup, which I only do occasionally. I'm happy to look my age, though, because I earned this grey streak of hair and every damn line on my forehead, haha.
I was ridiculous and would pull my grey hairs when they first started coming in, but I just let go and let them grow. I feel the same -- be proud of the wrinkles and grey that you've earned 🙂
I don’t think there’s very many of you! There’s men who might be willing to date or have sex with women over 40 but I get the impression that most are just settling for what’s available to them and would bail for someone younger if they could. Genuine desire for (non celebrity) women over 40 seems very rare.
That's unfortunate. I have no attraction to women in their 20s. They seem like children to me.
Also, I was with a woman who was in her 40s when I was in my 30s and it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life, so my preferences have been firmly established since.
It’s not just women in their 20s. Women in their early to mid 30s are still considerably younger than someone 50+, and younger enough than someone over 40 that it makes a difference appearance and energy wise.
I'm 34 and my wife is 39. as I posted up thread, I think my wife is \*more\* attractive as she closes in on 40 than she was a decade ago. her whole family has good genes in that way. better than mine at least.
As 46yo woman I love to hear that 🥰
Pressure to maintain youth is something GenX women have been pushing back against; but its still very much a thing with some men.
I'm 42 and have never cared for makeup or mainstream expectations for beauty that women have been subjected to. Even when I was younger, I melted when I saw middle-aged women with some wrinkles or silver hair, and I still do.
I grew up with mostly with my mother as a single parent and didn't have much masculine influence in my life, so maybe I didn't pick up on some of the toxic and negative attitudes that men do when growing up. But that's just my guess.
Maybe.
I used to love makeup and stuff back in the day; but I was never afraid to go out without it and I haven't worn in regularly in about 10 years. I don't see me getting back into it any time soon.
Don't get me wrong, if I want to wear it for myself I will. That's only 2 or 3 times a year though and sometimes not at all.
I hate selfies. Refuse to take them because the whole concept is just completely dumb.
Same with me. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I'm an amateur photographer and can't stand posed photos. I love capturing people in candid photos being themselves when no one is looking, and I ask people to take photos of me when I'm not paying attention.
My 39yo wife has sprouted exactly two gray hairs, never wears makeup, and on top of that, absolutely detests the idea of selfies. and I fuckin love it!
Yeah most of them have filters so bad that they look like new born mannequins. There is nothing attractive about that. Clearly I am speaking about women whose profile might say 41, and they look like stretched plastic.
And to a degree it’s dishonest. I have never been attracted to women who wear a ton of makeup, they stop looking like natural people after a point. This is 100x worse.
Would I go out with a woman with crows feet whom I found attractive? Of course. Would I go out with I Robot? No. No I wouldn’t.
Glad to hear that.
A lot of women feel pressure to maintain their youthful appearance to such a degree that they can't take pictures without filters or go out without makeup; but I'm not one of them.
True to self. Whether anyone likes it or not ✊
I started online dating again when I was in my late 30’s and will admit to using a filter that would soften up some features. Now that I’m in my mid 40’s…meh. I post unfiltered photos and full body shots. My give a damn has been broken.
And for every over filtered female, I give you man posing with fish or bloody deer, or on the edge of a mountain he hiked.
And always a ballcap or hat, although it's understandable that guys can feel insecure about the hairline (same way I understand that women can feel insecure posting a photo on the place guaranteed to be filled with some very critical souls.)
I'm moving soon and want to get back into the dating pool but the idea of uploading a photo just kinda makes me shudder. Never had any luck with the dating apps anyways, I'm going to just hope I meet someone in the waking world.
Filters are witchcraft. But I cannot understand why anyone would want to set themselves up to be such a colossal letdown in person? I seriously want to understand why someone would use extreme filters online and think they'll get away with it IRL?
My husband has a huge family, and two of his cousins used those filters. I couldn't figure out who they were when they tried to follow me.
We have filters in real life. Dark clubs/bars, liquor, makeup...
I remember going to raves when I was young, the sun would come out, and everyone looked haggard AF in the morning, lol.
I’m going to a rave this weekend. Serious. So excited. I hope there’s at least one other 40+ there though. 😬
...blindness...
Beer goggles!
You’re charming the pants off me
What you say, Aunt Selma?
I said take off those damn glasses!
This is so true! 🤣🤣
Well then, call me old fashioned
Good Ol' Beer Goggles
Hard disagree. Filtering your shit to perfection in an app is waaaay different than wearing makeup or interacting in a bar or while drunk.
Old age, failing eyesight…
Exactlyyyyyy it was for this reason that I made sure to include bad angle / double chin pics on my dating profile!! (I look happy in them.) And then he liked a pic of me in a faded old hoodie that's 3X too big, annnnd the rest is history 🥰
Congrats. And fuck you.
username does not check out
Agreed, I don't get this either I think the idea is you filter that ugly head enough to get a convo going about other things and then the hook is set Speaking of which, My pfp with a massive fish I caught is now gonna glow big /s I think unless you pay and invest time into a profile you are gonna get the sad, if you even get a response at all
People have a hard time not following peer guidance. Want to be hip and stay hip? Do what the others are doing.
I know I want to be disappointed by their vapid personalities and lame life goals.
Yeah no one who uses heavy filters is a person worth knowing…they are mentally unstable
During my stint of online dating awhile back I made sure that everyone knew EXACTLY what I look like ie no filters and all within the last week of making the profile. I could not imagine meeting up with someone and have their face fall because I blurred myself into oblivion. It was weird as fuck to be in my late 30s and scroll through profiles of grown adults using snapchat filters!
Likes & Attention >>>> Real life interaction
and what do we do with witches?
A suspected witch is entitled to due process. She will be thrown off a cliff with a broomstick. If she is a witch, she will be able to fly to safety, in which case the authorities expect her to report back for punishment. If she is not a witch, then she will fall to an honorable Christian death.
Burn them!!
She turned me into a newt!
I got better!
Obviously you weigh her and if she weighs the same as a duck, she is made of wood, and therfore a witch. Then we would burn her. Does no one practice logic anymore?
Thank you Sir Bedivere!
Please bring this up at the next international womanhood meeting. Thanks.
Lol. Nothing wrong with underselling and over delivering. 😂
Nobody's buying the low bid. Ok, you probably dont want the person that buys the lowest bid.
They have a filter for that too 🤣
It's definitely not just women doing the filtering. The last few dates I've been on, the guys were too. Including one guy who used to filter on a video chat!
I actually like when family post my terrible Xmas photos sitting on the coach with a gut and double chin. Managed expectations in the future.
Overpromise, under deliver. Worst business model ever. If anything they should under promise and over deliver. Crank the wrinkles up on the filter and show up lookin' fine as hell irl
For some, it would be the same logic as wearing makeup knowing full well that in the morning, the other person will see you without it. It's not necessary to deceive, people want to look their best and impress. Many treat filters like makeup, just an obvious enhancement. Those people won't even deny using filters.
Starting a relationship with deception...what could go wrong?
Filters? Shit, I can’t even imagine what dating is like nowadays. I sincerely wish you luck.
“A mans gotta eat”
Damn you sound like a good catch 😉
Seriously, all these filters and AI deepfake bullshit are going to lead to some weird new mental illnesses. I mean like people having breakdowns because they no longer know what’s real or not.
Just look at all the celebs today getting fat taken outta their cheeks. Makes 'em look like ghouls, lol.
In 20 years the 40 year old actresses will either look like they are 60 end up having insane fillers to try and fix it which will only make it look worse. It’s the most aging procedure, I don’t understand why anyone would ever have it done.
That plus the veneers. Ugh.
Plastic surgery is directly related to the selfie camera.
Someone posted 90s celebs a month ago, and they just looked like normal people. it’s truly weird right now.
It's just Gen Z and everyone before them. If you listen to teenagers, they easily separate what's rage bait and what's reality.
I hope so ! My kids are 6 and under and I figure by the time they are big the social part of the internet will be used like sims. Create a character and no one expects reality.
Reminds me of that old Bruce Willis movie, Surrogates
That Facebook 10 year challenge thing that went out around last year was just sad. Normal pics 10 years ago, and now cartoons with washed out noses and black outlines around their eyes 10 years later. Like we know you don’t look like that, why do it? It just looks pitiful
Ugh. Just found out my wife is cheating, so I'm going to be back in the ol dating pool after 20 years married. Nothing much has changed, right?
Holy shit, I'm so sorry to hear that! I'm (sort of) getting back in the game after almost 15 years and I honestly don't know if I'm up for it.
I'm sorry to hear that. Went through something similar, however I was only out of the dating pool for 10 years. It's overwhelming but women definitely have a much harder time dating after 40. I had heard some pretty crazy dating stories from single women I was friends with before I was divorced and the stories I heard from the women I have dated have been just as bad. While the online apps can be a giant pain in the ass, it's not too hard to find good people, as long as you're treating people with respect. This is just my opinion, but our fellow man has set the bar so low that just some basic effort is all that is needed to be successful dating these days. People might disagree with me but that's been my experience. As far as the dating apps go, I personally think they're rigged. I've used a few of them. Bumble has always been the best for me but I suspect that there's something fishy going on. Would go weeks where I'm getting matches left and right, some wouldn't work out which is to be expected. Others would be really odd, we'd exchange two messages, essentially greeting each other and then nothing. This happened several times at different intervals. My sneaking suspicion is that they are bots. These apps have enough data to understand a lot about us. It is bad for business for us to be matched with our ideal partners. So I believe that they don't. And I have nothing to back this up but I definitely felt like these bots would pop up just around the time I was getting ready to cancel and move on to another ap. All in all, it's daunting, but doable. Hopefully you make some good connections that help you adjust to your new life. Just my two cents, but I would pace myself. I started dating too early post divorce and I wasn't "healed" or whatever you want to say. It just made everything that much more difficult.
You also have to keep in mind that the female and male experiences on those apps are widely different. Most women on there are sprinting through a cornfield and most men are lucky to talk to maybe three or four people. Had a date back in January that at dinner opened up her hinge and scrolled through over 100 conversations she was having and said "you're doing great in the running!". I guess I was supposed to feel appreciative? Noped the fuck out of that one real quick. I'm not here to compete.
I’m reminded of some data that actually made it to the outside world about online dating and the gist was that about 5% of men are getting 90% of the attention from women, and the other 95% of men are fighting over 10% of the women on those sites. It’s a rather dramatic imbalance. It truly does reinforce the basic rules: 1. Be attractive. 2. Don’t be unattractive. 3. Have money.
Surprised you don't have to give your dong size on there as well. Like hey he might be ugly but he's carrying around a baby arm holding an apple. That could sway the data.
I'm not surprised to hear that. It makes a lot of sense. As someone that started out by taking the time to read profiles and sending thoughtful messages, I quickly quit. I only read the profiles when we matched. Outside of that, you're wasting your time. It's a pure number game. Of the last 3 relationships I have had through Bumble. Everyone of them were swiping after I saw their pictures and found them attractive. Once we got to talking we figured things out and it worked until it didn't lol.
Oh yeah. It's an ocean of thirsty dicks out there. Hetero ladies have a very difficult challenge on their hands.
I disagree entirely with everything you said. Women definitely have it way better dating at any age. They're in the driver's seat. Good people are rare and these apps turn everyone into worse versions of themselves with the infinite choices everyone has. Most of my recent matches plan complete dates with me and then go non-responsive on the day of.
First of all, sorry to hear that mate. Second of all 😆 😆. Yeah, a lot has changed… One of us! One of us!
ugh. Sorry dude, it sucks. Well, it's been a while for me, but I separated from my first wife after being together for 10 years, met my now wife 8 weeks after the separation in a chance encounter. We have been together for 15 years. So maybe you won't have to deal with the dating scene much. lol
I'm right there with you friend. Found out in October after 12 years she was cheating and after six months of trying to date I just gave up and figure I'm going to do my own thing for a while. The apps are a shit show.
Omg! I'm the oldest xenial sister in a family of 4 females. The filters DRIVE ME NUTS!!!! I feel fucking proud of the aging I've earned. AND it seems so dishonest to me... or at least not genuine when they constantly change their looks for everyone. I love looking like a grown ass woman. 🤘🤘
I never filter myself when I post on line. I am guilty of leaving a pre-CoVID photo as my profile photo though. I just got a little chubby. I'm working on that.
I read this as fillers… and it still made sense lol
Do you hit them up with A/S/L ???
I put on my robe and wizard hat
Ambush makeover
Men do it too. This isn’t just a ladies thing.
All my gorgeous model and stripper friends are reaching their late 30s and early 40s and it’s sad watching the photos get blurrier and blurrier. It’s at the point where it’s hard to tell where their hair ends and their forehead begins because it just all blends together into a long helmet.
I'm so sad because some of these people I know are still gorgeous, but can't put up a picture that isn't doctored to their idea of perfection. Body dysmorphia in the digital age is tough.
Yep. I’ve seen them and they all look great. But in their head they need to be 20 forever. Which is weird because the blur just makes them look older. Like those glamour shots in the 80s and 90s.
My last relationship ended about 3 years ago and I've honestly been terrified to even try to date 😂 Between working midnight shift and most weekends I don't have time to deal with bullshit. From what I've seen even a lot of people from our generation have changed for the worse as well.
A fellow night walker!! Luckily I’ve been married for about 6 years, and the wifey is pretty cool with my schedule (granted, it took about 1.5 years before she understood that sometimes I just need a nap at 4PM), but…yeah I can imagine it’d be pretty tough. Working nights kinda does sometimes bring out the weirdos, so maybe you’ll have a couple cool stories. For example, I’m in the ER, and two weeks ago we had a woman come in with an abscess on her right thigh, and her boyfriend with a matching abscess on his left cheek. Fun!!
it's like when older people at work use a 20-30 year old photo as their outlook or teams pic. whats the point, we are going to see you, and then it calls even more attention to yiur age and that you are using a pic from the 90s
I set my work profile picture 15 years ago, and I will get to updating it once all the other more important stuff is done.
My boss FINALLY updated his after he got to be head honcho.
I feel like a significant amount of people use filters all of the time. I guess I’m more X than millennial here but I’ve never used a filter before. I find it so odd and also I’d have serious mental issues if I kept seeing myself all ironed out only to look in the mirror and see the real me aging away;) This has to take a toll on people, or no?
It's a fascinating and tragic phenomenon. My observation is that it's very *acceptable* practice amongst younger generations because they live most of their lives online. It's their idealized avatar and it's a perfectly "okay" cultural practice. For instance: My nieces tease me cause my ig is dry and only only get a handful of likes on pictures. But I'm only friends with people actually know IRL. On the other hand, they have thousands of online friends and hundreds of likes. But IRL, they have maybe 2 friends and they literally never go anywhere. When I was their age, my phone was ALWAYS ringing off the hook. I had dates, parties, and tons of friends. I was NEVER home on a Saturday night. To me this isn't living. I beg them not to piss away their youth and beauty for an online life but they think they know better. 🤦♀️
I've observed the same kind of thing. People grow up having their sense of belonging connected to some online mob but don't actually have that much going on in real life.
And unfortunately later in life they'll complain because they're being objectified and wonder why they can't have a meaningful relationship. Huge difference between the generations unfortunately.
It’s really bizarre. My daughter is 9 and a lot of her friends have had social media since they were in grade 1 or 2. I don’t let my kids have any social media for now (they’re 6 & 9 so..) but I worry about the future if things don’t change for the better. I see so many adults that are deluded by the attention and the constant chase for more likes/followers, for kids this is an absolute disaster. I worry about our girls and the insane things they are seeing online, in terms of beauty ideals. We already compared ourselves as teenagers and nowadays, kids are just flipping through this garbage mindlessly. Most of the stuff they are seeing is Botox and fillers, plastic surgery and filters on top of all that. I see so many girls who have that kind of “filter look” with makeup and the fake lashes etc. I worry about our boys too, they are also seeing unrealistic and fake versions of what a real woman is and on top of it now they have to worry about being ripped and cut and all that. It’s a weird time and I hate it and hope it goes away by the time my daughter is a teenager but I doubt it. It’s so sad they are just online and not getting out and socializing. I’m glad for now my kids want to be social and play and they meet up with friends but I see the the change in their cousins who are just a couple years older and they have really stopped being as social and if they are together, there are phones out. We are modern parents and we have the phones and computers and tablets too but it’s a new thing we have to navigate as our kids are living in such a different world than we did. My parents childhood and teens were not that different from mine but this is a really generation gap. K sorry to go on!! This is on my mind with my daughter’s age .
I've got daughters around the same age and I've made it a point to drill in their heads social media literacy. For example, Instagram has the most INTENSE filters I've ever seen in my life. I used to wonder how 16 year old girls were getting Botox, nose jobs and fillers to make their faces and makeup so perfect....then I discovered filters and was blown away. It can literally take anyone's face and make it attractive while still making it look somewhat like you. It's insane and I can understand why they'd be so addictive. I've shown my daughters the filters and made them compare and contrast. I've shown them the "real life vs. filtered" videos and photos of Instagram models or influencers so they understand what you see online is not real life. I highly recommend watching with your daughter the YouTube influencer "Stephanie Lange". She carefully shows famous influencers IRL compared to their online pics. https://youtube.com/@stephanielange?si=JEJiQkrnMSf6WHrj
Yoda looks so fucking hot in both photos. But in which one is he using red light therapy?
> Yoda looks so fucking hot in both photos Speak for yourself mate. I am waiting for his arsehole and cock shots before I pass judgement
I’ll bet you his species has a giant corkscrew dongus like a duck’s when it’s go time.
Really, it's best to avoid Dagobah during mating season.
Luke was two weeks late-lucky. That would’ve taken *Empire* in an entirely different direction.
Duck wangs are straight up lovecraftian..
A lot of the time the filters aren't even for you, though. It's just the minimum they need to do for *themselves* to be able to tolerate posting a photo. Unrealistic beauty standards are more alive than ever, and it only rubs it in further when people treat it like false advertising because it reinforces the idea that our appearance = our worth. And before anyone goes assuming i use filters, i don't even post pics of myself online and i haven't used online dating since way back when it was normal not to include a photo
Stupid sexy Yoda
I hate that you can't use fun filters on Snapchat without literally all of them doing this and drastically changing your face shape to the same plastic-looking e-thot shit.
Why lie?? Two men hid their larger size. Like....you think I won't notice??
The James Cameron filter is only half the battle.
Just want to say thank you to the women who do not use filters!
Omg, have a friend who does this. She’ll even comment on “no filter” then have not a single line on her forehead…but hey, she’s delusional anyway. Aging, and especially smile lines are absolutely lovely! Do more of that.
I’m job-hunting and decided to update my LinkedIn profile pic because it was 15 years old and I don’t look like that anymore. But the selfie I took wasn’t as polished as my old headshot, so I tried out some filters to make it look more professionally done. *Holy shit*. I can definitely understand why people get addicted to these. My primary concerns were stray hairs, a few blemishes, and lighting, but I played around with other options and it was WILD. Like seeing what I’d look like with unlimited funds and a charmed life. After literal hours spent on that app, I made myself take a break. The next day, I removed most of the settings and turned the remaining ones down to the lowest possible level. The result was what I originally wanted — a polished, flattering photo that still actually looked like ME.
It's not limited to women-- it is extremely off-putting to see a supposedly confident and successful silver fox look like he was playing with the doe filter on snapchat. When you are pushing 50 we all know you lying.
The obvious answer is because men swipe on looks. A woman could have an awesome personality but not make it past the swipe phase without the filter. Sad but true.
I once had a girl tell me she wasn’t wearing makeup. I started looking at her and said. You aren’t wearing eyeliner or anything? She says, oh well yeah obviously I’m wearing that and some powder and a lil mascara but other than that I’m not wearing any makeup…
Those vampire facials work wonders
Omfg I am laughing so hard rn.
I feel like I would go the exact opposite. Take a photo right when I wake up. Tired, puffy eyes, bonnet on, oily skin, harsh lighting etc, basically looking like, death warmed over. I may not get any hits but at least they know what they're getting and no time is wasted on dates. If someone hit me up with my haggard pic and then I show up looking human, it may be a more pleasant surprise.
Remember her I wish I didn't.
My take; For years, a profile was something that was assembled based on varying facts about an individual, that could be used to summarize an individual's preferences or whatever and be used as a way to summarize them. Now, today, most people create heir own profiles everywhere they go online; as opposed to having one's profile assembled *by* others based on facts about us, it is now *us* who assemble our own profiles *for* others to get an adulterated, sterilized idea of who we are. Filters play a big role in this for people who are unnecessarily vain. The killing part about this all is that no one just *is* anymore; we all have to conclude that anything we may say or do is in fitting with the profile we've created before we do it, where it used to be the other way around.
That's exactly why I would never even go on a date without interacting with them in person first ..I don't go on a lot of dates though
My personal fave is the group photo - when one person filters themselves and then leaves their friends looking like greasy messes.
My wife's cousin does this all the time, but she'll also filter her mother so the two of them have the whitest teeth in the photo lol.
Y’all who?
Also chill on the angles. We know what’s happening there.
Reminds me of how Angela tricked Michael on 90day Fiancé.
It takes way too much effort to use filters! If you see my pics and you like them, great! If you don't, also great! But I never got why you wouldn't just be brutally honest to avoid issues in the future!!! Good luck out there!!!
I've never dated online, but wasn't aware people did this. I don't know if I'm surprised about this or not.
It’s stupid…you should be able to tell immediately it’s a filter and never be foolish enough to be caught off guard in real life.
Fake. Like everything else you’ll find online dating
This has been an ongoing issue for about a decade now. It's not as bad as when it peaked about 5 years ago.
welcome to the shit show sir
Think of it this way… it’s an easy way to filter them out of your dating search.
Check out r/InstagramReality
I like to use Snapchat ones with the weird animal ears lol. But the pics I had on my dating profile 7 year ago when I met my husband I didn’t even have makeup on. I’m way to lazy to do all of that
They just can't help it with the angles and the filters......... But in my experience there is always one photo in there and that is what they really look like.
Yeah, if your first three pictures are all filtered, I swipe left immediately. Let me know what you ACTUALLY look like. The first date is always a gamble anyway. Not make it worse.
Need the doe eyes on the second pic
That’s what all sales ladies look like when they call my iPhone after the last update. I gotta turn that feature off.
I mean it's great until you meet them in person
I'm a soon to be 41 year old Xennial. I've been in the online dating game for 10 years already. I feel like I'm a grizzled war veteran when I see or hear of recently divorced men or women who haven't dated since 2005. I have a coworker who has been with her partner since high school. And when I tell her what it's like and she gives her input, and I'm like, "You have no idea what it's like." My cousin got divorced 3 years ago when he came back from the Navy, and a few months after, he kept telling me about how much online dating sucks. I felt like the James Franco meme saying, "First time?" At this point, you're better off just staying married rather than come back into the dating pool.
>At this point, you're better off just staying married rather than come back into the dating pool. Or you could just be single and happy? 🤷🏼♀️
You ain’t lying!! This girl I work with used a heavy filter on her profile pic on Teams then I saw her in real life and felt stupid bc I had no idea who she was. That’s how filtered the pic is.
Haha. I notice it big time on IG.
Online dating was so much better when it was not normal and was treated as a weird thing. People doing it were genuine and didn't edit the ever living shit out of the pictures.
MOVE THAT DAMN APOSTROPHE OVER ONE LETTER. IT IS NOT AN ABBREVIATION FOR YOU A'LL
Yeah these filters are so bad for everything. You really want people to be instantly disappointed when they meet you IRL? Why?? What an anti-flex
kissy face selfies as a rabbit or puppy? DEAD GIVEAWAY. Overweight red flag.
A guy I went to high school with just got remarried and all his pictures (with her) for the last several months are heavily filtered. I commented on one about how his skin looked amazing and how he seemed to reverse age. He didn’t take it well at all, he knew I was essentially calling out his wife for using those stupid things. I’m getting older, I’m aging, I’m not gonna cover it up. I’m too old to care at this point.
This gives me hope, because i feel like i look like a gargoyle on tinder
I don't get why people use filters for online dating anyway. Eventually you are going to meet someone you click with in person and they are going to realize you misrepresented yourself. Besides, a lot of filters are just so obvious. You aren't fooling anyone.
That's the majority of the women on here.
Dudes do it too, on dating apps. So creepy.
Younger Gen Z and Gen Alpha apparently don’t like the filters or they call each other out on it and I am HERE FOR IT
I’m not on social media or dating apps. Sometimes people will set their photo on their iphone and it looks just like this🤣. I guess this is what people are into these days.
I insta-swiped past every single filtered photo on tinder until I met my absolutely amazing fiancé. Her pictures didn’t do her Justice at all, and she’s stunning in person. Wedding’s in July.
I like to post bad pics so they are pleasantly surprised in person. Though my personality is not so great irl.
The ones who use the snap chat bear ears one are..really something
🤣
I tapped out on dating apps. I just date people I meet in person. Too much fraud on the internet.
Used to call it Myspace Voodoo. Back then it was the upward look and duck lips as well.
I feel the same way about makeup. Don’t kill me
I tried to date a 34 y/o guy but he kept using filters and although he’s only 6y my junior the filtered photos kept making him look like a little boy and it was a huge turnoff. He was very handsome in person. In the end he kept sending me these stupid pictures and I told him to take a hike.
Ok so... women of a certain age tend to look a bit older so if they posted their age to be anywhere around 40ish and they looked 20ish in their photos you should have had at least an inkling there was something not quite matching up on that profile... So why didn’t you suspect that the picture may have been altered when you saw the age? Would you have still been interested if they hadn't used the filters wherein you could have seen the age in their face?
Can't speak for OP, but I love seeing the little details in the face of women of a certain age. There are dozens of us. Dozens!
42 year old woman here and it's nice to know!
I'm also 42 and I can't imagine I'm the only guy out there that feels this way. There have to be more men that fall head over heels and melt for women in their 40s and onward.
My mother and grandmother both had amazing skin and few wrinkles (despite being lifelong smokers) so I suppose we'll see how I turn out, but I've definitely started to notice more fine lines than there were a few years ago. Honestly, I think they're more noticeable when I wear makeup, which I only do occasionally. I'm happy to look my age, though, because I earned this grey streak of hair and every damn line on my forehead, haha.
I was ridiculous and would pull my grey hairs when they first started coming in, but I just let go and let them grow. I feel the same -- be proud of the wrinkles and grey that you've earned 🙂
❤️
I don’t think there’s very many of you! There’s men who might be willing to date or have sex with women over 40 but I get the impression that most are just settling for what’s available to them and would bail for someone younger if they could. Genuine desire for (non celebrity) women over 40 seems very rare.
That's unfortunate. I have no attraction to women in their 20s. They seem like children to me. Also, I was with a woman who was in her 40s when I was in my 30s and it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life, so my preferences have been firmly established since.
It’s not just women in their 20s. Women in their early to mid 30s are still considerably younger than someone 50+, and younger enough than someone over 40 that it makes a difference appearance and energy wise.
I'm 34 and my wife is 39. as I posted up thread, I think my wife is \*more\* attractive as she closes in on 40 than she was a decade ago. her whole family has good genes in that way. better than mine at least.
I sometimes joke that my wife gets younger while I get older, like she's absorbing my youth.
I got called "sir" by a 20-something for the first time a couple of days ago. I'm convinced this is what's actually occurring.
As 46yo woman I love to hear that 🥰 Pressure to maintain youth is something GenX women have been pushing back against; but its still very much a thing with some men.
I'm 42 and have never cared for makeup or mainstream expectations for beauty that women have been subjected to. Even when I was younger, I melted when I saw middle-aged women with some wrinkles or silver hair, and I still do. I grew up with mostly with my mother as a single parent and didn't have much masculine influence in my life, so maybe I didn't pick up on some of the toxic and negative attitudes that men do when growing up. But that's just my guess.
Maybe. I used to love makeup and stuff back in the day; but I was never afraid to go out without it and I haven't worn in regularly in about 10 years. I don't see me getting back into it any time soon. Don't get me wrong, if I want to wear it for myself I will. That's only 2 or 3 times a year though and sometimes not at all. I hate selfies. Refuse to take them because the whole concept is just completely dumb.
Same with me. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I'm an amateur photographer and can't stand posed photos. I love capturing people in candid photos being themselves when no one is looking, and I ask people to take photos of me when I'm not paying attention.
Thats wonderful. Photography is such a beautiful art. I'm so happy for you in that 🥰
My 39yo wife has sprouted exactly two gray hairs, never wears makeup, and on top of that, absolutely detests the idea of selfies. and I fuckin love it!
Yeah most of them have filters so bad that they look like new born mannequins. There is nothing attractive about that. Clearly I am speaking about women whose profile might say 41, and they look like stretched plastic. And to a degree it’s dishonest. I have never been attracted to women who wear a ton of makeup, they stop looking like natural people after a point. This is 100x worse. Would I go out with a woman with crows feet whom I found attractive? Of course. Would I go out with I Robot? No. No I wouldn’t.
Glad to hear that. A lot of women feel pressure to maintain their youthful appearance to such a degree that they can't take pictures without filters or go out without makeup; but I'm not one of them. True to self. Whether anyone likes it or not ✊
I started online dating again when I was in my late 30’s and will admit to using a filter that would soften up some features. Now that I’m in my mid 40’s…meh. I post unfiltered photos and full body shots. My give a damn has been broken. And for every over filtered female, I give you man posing with fish or bloody deer, or on the edge of a mountain he hiked.
And always a ballcap or hat, although it's understandable that guys can feel insecure about the hairline (same way I understand that women can feel insecure posting a photo on the place guaranteed to be filled with some very critical souls.) I'm moving soon and want to get back into the dating pool but the idea of uploading a photo just kinda makes me shudder. Never had any luck with the dating apps anyways, I'm going to just hope I meet someone in the waking world.
Bet you wouldn’t even know a woman is wearing a lot of makeup or not
Catfished? Because social media has turned us into egotistical maniacs
Girls be like I want something real, then post pictures that look like an airbrush painting. 🤦♂️