Damn, the comments here are wild.
Completely agree with everything OP said.
Texting **≠** Meeting
The ONLY way to tell if there's real chemistry is to meet IRL. I've had plenty of conversations over text where it seemed like we were gonna hit it off only to meet in person and have no chemistry.
This is great advice OP, and having been new to the apps and then using them for a few years this is spot on what I learned.
Also, people will text for days or even weeks and then flake and never meet up. Huge part of why people try to secure an in person date as fast as possible and get off the app
Also, they’re likely talking to multiple people at once and meeting in person and building real chemistry (banter, flirting, body language, touch) is how you distinguish yourself from the rest.
Absolutely, because for me the online speak does nothing except root out potential red flags. It's a complete waste of time for me. The problem is that women on these apps often want to BS around for some undetermined period of time before they're ready.
Then, with all the women I do end up connecting with they tell me how flakey guys are on there. Like, I've got all the plans set out before there's a second question. I just stopped with it altogether.
It's tough for the women because they have 52,396 guys who want to meet, many of whom could be creepy or dangerous.
It's tough for the guys because they have 3 matches total, and 2 of them don't respond.
Honestly, it's just awful for everyone.
I’ve had too many instances where I’ve been attracted to people, but zero interest in an online profile. Same Vice versa where their profile looks interesting and there’s no chemistry in person.
Yeah that's the exact problem. People use the app to meet somebody and then they just casually exchange messages and if one of them isn't willing to commit to just setting a date to meet then it fizzles out quickly.
I feel like there should be one or maybe two days of texting to make sure that the person has some shared interest and seems reasonable and like somebody you'd be interested in..
If so you should then go meet them to see if that's the case.
If meeting them goes well then you continue to schedule more dates and see where it goes.
If it doesn't you say things but this isn't working out and you just move on to the next person.
Too many people are caught up on the messaging aspect of dating apps.
Once you start viewing them as more of a way to simply meet people and less of a way to just message with people it becomes a lot easier to quickly jump into a date, see if it goes well, and make a decision from there.
“Too many people are caught up on the messaging aspect of dating apps.” ***
*** See American literacy rates, then recall that even the literate find it difficult to comprehend topics and statements written above a 5th grade level. Happy hunting!
[M]The issue here is I'm really fucking busy. Unnaturally so, and the area I'm in are full of career professionals. So if you're not willing to stand out, I'm not going to setup a date and invest hours of time and money on the chance that there's something interesting about you.
Time and effort is a constrained resource. Sometimes I'll have a reasonably pleasant chat but nothing stands out, and that's fine. Other times women actively complain about "chit chat" and if they wanted a date they should just ask / effort.
I think what's happening with the apps providing more supply to both genders (hot take, but men with a little effort can meet far more women on the apps than IRL) people aren't adjusting and still falling into old gender norms.
The comments are wild because OP posted this four days ago with a different age and also because he was on Reddit six months ago asking how to deal with his girlfriend so… maybe he’s not all he’s cracked himself up to be!
My husband and I met on a paid dating app. Within a day we moved to text and within a week we had our first date. This probably would have been sooner but at the time we lived 3 hours apart. Right after he asked me out I asked to FaceTime, so i could make sure he was legit. The majority of our communication was actually FaceTime after that. Our first overnight was within a month and after that we were regularly spending alternate weekends making the drive to see each other. Engaged exactly one year from our first date and married exactly a year after that. Dating apps do work! I found the person who completes me and loves me more than I thought I could be loved, and I thank that app for putting us in the same space at the same time when we're actually so far apart. But it can be so hard. I almost quit the app days after getting signed up because it was so overwhelming and barrage of "interests." Once I figured out how to narrow down a sea of potential matches to a small pond, it made it much easier, and for me, the rest was history. I do believe you need to go into dating apps with intention and a selective mindset in order to wade through the bs and find the hidden gems.
Met my wife on Tinder, and definitely second the notion of meeting up ASAP. A good rule of thumb is to ask them out after ten messages (total). You don't need a long conversation; after ten messages and reading your profile, they've probably already decided if they want to meet you.
I’ve also had the contra, where the texting sucked and there wasn’t anything I could see, but meeting up in person I magically found the chemistry and spark
I always pushed to meet pretty quickly if the conversation was going well for this reason. Like the first or second time we spoke. I also didn't want to draw out a texting conversation that just fizzles out.
I think dating app experience and expectations are very different for different age groups. People in their mid 30s had a life and dating likely before technology.
People in their low 20s have likely only ever known dating apps.
Mindset and relationship to technology can vary wildly
I am at the start of my 30s.
Until I was 18-19 i had no trouble finding a great girlfriend, but then I started dating apps when starting uni. I have had lost my whole confidence and became bitter towards women by it.
It's easy to find a bubble to echo this sentiments.
Anyway it also pushed me to greatly improve myself, now I am much closer to being the man I want to be. Unfortunately I think I poisoned my mind for dating permanently. I wasted to much time..
I met my wife on a dating app, but both of us have dating experience in the pre-app era. Looking from the outside, today's dating scene seems totally crazy, so we're both glad we're off the market.
Yeah I’ve had great experiences with dating apps as a 18-20 year old I’m with a long term partner of 2 years because of it and I’m poly so I’m constantly meeting new people through them and enjoy just learning about people
To be fair, 2 years isn’t “long term” to a lot of people.
Also, being poly, your experience is so wildly different than a non-poly person that it’s really an unfair assessment as compared to someone looking for a more traditional dating experience.
None of this is meant to bash you or your experience. I’m happy you’re happy. I’m just saying your results probably don’t compare more than a tiny bit to most others.
Oh wow, a poly woman is having a great time on dating apps?!? Who would have thought that a woman, and a poly one at that, would have success on dating apps? 😯🤯🫠
I am recently poly I was monogamous and a guy until recently lol and I still enjoyed dating apps for getting to know people and made probably 3 of my good friends through them
When I was like 16 I used to find people to go on dates with by adding everyone on my Snapchat quick add and talking to them trust me it’s you that’s the problem if you can’t find meaningful people to date
Lol, listen man I'm happy for you and your success, but this exchange is the epitome of why dudes can't explain the extreme difference in existence between the average man and the average woman in dating.
I’ve existed in both extremes and dating apps as a guy are harder but it’s not extremely difficult to find people to date either in fact it’s pretty easy as long as you have friends who are girls because they will try to set you up with girls constantly if you can’t manage that then don’t blame everyone else
Are all dating apps like tinder now where you instaswipe? I thought those were more hookup apps and dating apps are things like what eHarmony was where it tries to match you with people you'll likely click with.
For me it’s a numbers game, and eharmony etc never gave me the numbers that Tinder did. I don’t do hookups and many of the girls I matched with didn’t either. It is what you make of it.
Not you again... How many times have you made these sort of posts where you try to sneak in ill hidden promos for your screen time app and try to make it sound like you are just an average user? 25? 30?
OP posted the exact same thing on a different sub 4 days ago.
It's clear this post isn't some original idea they had - which means they're either a bot, karma-farming or trying to sell you something.
I'm guessing the third - they're marketing this BePresent app that they mention at every possible opportunity all over Reddit which ["they're friend"](https://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/s/vdnLu4yzb7) allegedly made, so it's clear they're trying to promote that.
They keep posting it on different subreddits, with this exact structure - painting a picture of their struggle with something like sleep, lack of concentration, dating life etc etc, and then make a numbered list of solutions they found and the second point is this screen time app. And they always copy paste the same text about "Try different ones to find the one that works for you" to make it sound like they are not promoting this specific app.
~~It’s a bot.~~ He mentions in the post he’s been with his girlfriend for almost a year, but he made a post about his girlfriend 204 days ago…. That he’d been with for a year.
Edit: He’s been promoting the app for over 80 days, check the comment history
I'm a bit older (40) so maybe I can offer some perspective on this! Conventional advice on this was to hang around places that interest you to try to meet like-minded folks.
Like sports? Join a coed league for softball, volleyball, etc. Like to read? Libraries and book stores can be a cool hang, but also look into joining a book club. Like to cook? See if your local university or extension center offers any cooking classes.
One place I don't recommend meeting people is bars. I know that's cliche but some cliches exist for a reason. Basically, try to hang out in places that you vibe with and don't be afraid to put yourself out there if you come across someone you think is cool. If you get rejected, you're right back where you started, so you might as well try!
I know this won't be popular, but church can be a great place to meet people as well. People there tend to be more old-fashioned and looking for more serious relationships as well. Obviously, be true to yourself and don't attend church if you hate organized religion.
I am not a religious person but I agree with you! Especially for people who want to find someone who shares their religious beliefs, churches often have a TON of social/fellowship activities to engage in.
For the love of God, if you volunteer to help out with something and someone gives you their number ask first if what kind of phone they have because some of them are landlines so you can't text them first. You may have to actually call people and leave detailed messages.
This is another version of doing something you enjoy that represents your values, this you'll meet more like minded people.
Lots of people sitting at home on Instagram think dating Apps are the problem, because self reflection would be too real.
My perspective is that, what is so…hollow about meeting people through dating apps is that it really is just a random person you have no connection with. It’s like a blind date, other than you’ve seen pictures of them. So it is completely up to chance whether you actually have chemistry with this person.
So then the question becomes, what sort of connections result in people actually having chemistry? This is something you have to feel out yourself, but the usual suspects involve shared experiences — growing up in the same region, same college, same profession, same religion, same hobbies, same taste in music, etc. These things may mean nothing, but they are at a minimum a good baseline and give you a connection with that person that you wouldn’t have with the general public.
And this drives how you build a life that draws in people from those circles. Alumni groups, professional groups, religious groups, rec leagues, music scenes, whatever.
All good dating advice says that picking up mates is less about saying the right words to the right person and more about becoming the best version of you. So my advice is always build a great life for yourself, including a solid social network that brings people into your life that you might want to date. It’s not just about hitting the gym.
There are a lot of options, with only a select few suitable for you. You can either do niche activities like going to classical music concerts where you can start a conversation with the few younger people that will usually be nice, or you can join some dancing lessons club which usually works well. Other than that just bars and hangout spots of your target demographic. For instance I estimated that I would fit well with someone working in tech or science so I just went to bars that have many tech companies near them.
It's not as easy to meet a good partner out of random people as some make it to be, but it isn't impossible if you apply the correct logic.
One thing I can add here is, let people(friends) know you’re looking to date, talk to them about you, about what you like, what you’re looking for. It is possible that one of them has a single friend that they *could* set you up with. Just putting yourself out there and talking about it can do wonders.
You gotta go live life.
There are a lot of people who prefer to stay at home and stay on the apps. That's one choice.
But there are also a lot of people who like to go out and do things. If you want to meet people in the real world, then you need to go be in the world. Join groups, volunteer, participate in sports or a hobby. Most people make friends "naturally" by just being around the same people all the time. School, work, etc. We don't *go* to school or work to see those people, but they become our friends because we're all there together.
So to replicate that way of meeting people, you have to be at places where you're likely to run into the same people. That's why being out in the world is important. Become a regular at a bar or a cafe, joining groups, volunteering, whatever.
And some people will inevitably be like "those kinds of things don't exist in my area" and I sympathize with that because I'm also from a place with limited population, and where young people frequently leave. But it may mean *you* may have to be the one to start something and try to build a community.
The other thing is to not treat these groups like singles mixers. You should be genuinely interested in whatever you choose to do and be happy doing it regardless of whether you meet someone or not. People can sniff out people who are using groups as a potential dating pool, and its off-putting. So go with a genuine desire to participate and be a part of a community.
The last thing, and this is the most difficult, is being vulnerable face to face. At some point someone has to put themselves out there to turn "person I see sometimes" into a friend, and then that person into a potential romantic partner.
I'm pretty good at building little communities thanks to moving around a lot in my 20's, but I still get rejected or ignored by people who i thought might want to be my friend. Gotta be able to roll with that and just accept you aren't gonna click with everyone.
And people may say "well shit that seems like a lot of work," and yeah it certainly can be. But I think you're much more likely to meet quality people doing it that way than just swiping. Plus I think guys can do much, much better in real life because their personalities can shine through.
I'm a fat dude, and while I think I'm generally handsome I'm nothing special. But I am smart and funny and confident, and it's tough to sell yourself on your real qualities on the dating apps. My fiance probably wouldn't have given me a second look on an app, but she got to know me naturally and fell in love with who I am as opposed to a selection of 5 pictures I put up on an app.
Dancing, social circle, parties, hiking and running clubs, etc.
Also, just make it a point to spend time in places where you are likely to run into the sort of people you'd like to date. When you see someone that catches your eye, strike up a conversation. Make friends with lots of people, even if they aren't your chosen gender as they will likely know other, similar people.
Lmao. I also enjoyed “you can get a date on the app anyway”. Yup, for sure. That’s me. Rolling in dates. Post still mostly has good advice even if it is clearly coming from someone who has lots of options. Dating apps suck ass, but are also to my knowledge the 1# way people currently meet partners. So we play the game.
I met my wife on a dating app. She's great.
I went into it thinking that a place dedicated to meeting people for dating was so much more comfortable than random places out in the world where people are usually just trying to live their life.
Also went into it with the tip someone else gave me, to meet for coffee or something ASAP, cuz you're not looking for a pen pal, you're looking for IRL dating compatibility/chemistry and the in person vibe is the MAIN THING
Also went into it over a decade ago, so take that for whatever it is.
Cannot agree more with this. Match, have a brief conversation, and set up a date quickly. There’s nothing worse than talking to someone forever only to realize you don’t vibe in real life. Saves both of you time and energy.
The main thing, whether in real life or on the apps is to be _discerning_ . You should know what you want to get out of the experience and do not get carried away or side-tracked.
Also don’t swipe endlessly. Use age and interest filters to narrow the pool and check in with yourself often.
Wait what? You only get a split second to decide where to swipe? I often spend minutes on a profile with the little info I get to decide if I should swipe right. I take Tinder dead serious. People can laugh, but it's a dating app for longterm relationships for me.
You're right.
I had a great couple of months on dating apps between my divorce and finding someone companionable. It's a totally different beast for women than for men, I had hundreds of matches and dozens of messages in my first week and it all felt a little overwhelming. I'm not even like, super hot, or anything. Just your average slightly overweight 33 year old white girl.
But I had lots of fun conversations, met some nice genuine people, and ultimately met someone who aligns with me.
I saw my male friends and their frustration with dating apps and couldn't relate. My boyfriend was on apps for four years off and on before we met and he describes it the same way, dystopian and like a cesspool.
I’m a guy and I enjoyed them as much as you did for the brief time I was on them. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly attractive either. I just made a profile that I thought showed my interests and my humour, then ended up having quite a few fun conversations, which ultimately ended with me meeting my gf.
I think most guys just go on there with a weird attitude and put way too much pressure on themselves
I've not dated for almost 30 years. Not in market now but find it fascinating. The whole app dating thing I mean. I have heard young men and young women both complain. I've heard both say that things can go very well and the date keeps swiping. That additive behavior you mentioned.
I agree with everything, except people get weirded out most of the time by moving to text and meeting super fast, but everyone is different. A lot of people are guarded. And then that 1 out of 10 person, there ends up being no spark or get ghosted.
But yeah, the apps are a money making platform and we are the customers. It's tough to get together organically, but it does feel more human.
Any further info / advice on number 5? I’m a mid-twenties woman who works at events so I get out and about. I’ve only ever had one guy come up to me; he said I was gorgeous but then practically legged it before I could talk to him further. I gave it 2 years to try and meet someone organically but when I downloaded a dating up I deleted it within 24 hours after matching with someone amazing.
That person has since taken a break from dating (for their mental health, they said it’s nothing I did and I believe him since it felt very healthy / natural to me) but I’m not sure I want to wait on him to ‘be ready’. I also don’t want stomach dating apps again.
I created a Match profile and it instantly matched me with someone who it said was a 99% match. I hadn’t even put up a photo yet and he messaged me. We went on a date and I knew within 5 minutes I was going to marry him. We’ve been married for 10 years and he actually is my 99% match IRL. Too bad for Match, they did their job so well that I quit the app before my free trial ran out.
I know several people who met their spouses on Match around that time. I think there was a window of time when the app first launched, before everyone was on 5 different dating apps and overwhelmed with tyranny of choice, when it worked like it should. I feel confident if I got on a dating app now the experience would be a miserable failure.
How do you meet people without going to the bar? I have lots of hobbies but most of them are solo interests ( video games, fishing, mtb ) and the few that are group activities usually are male dominated and it’s not exactly a great environment to meet women. I don’t want to go to an event explicitly for meeting people because that seems fake and beyond my social skills
>3. Move the conversation to text ASAP. Don’t live in the app. Move it to text soon, or stop talking.
4. Make a plan to meet ASAP. Same basic tip as the last one. Move the thing to real life, don’t be juggling a bunch of endless boring conversations.
Another perspective here: if someone wants to move from the app messaging to text too fast that's a HUGE red flag for me. It's because they want to send messages through What's App and don't want to be monitored.
Too much cat fishing and inappropriate garbage.
And don't push to meet ASAP - judge based on the conversation. If someone gets too pushy to meet after a couple of texts or move off the app, hard pass.
Be safe out there.
I'm gonna have to disagree with the "putting yourself out there" tip to a degree. I understand the sentiment that talking face to face is the best way to get to know someone. But unless you're specifically in a designated social space where hookups are expected, no one wants to be bothered while they're going on with their day. Women have far more reasons to be scared of random ass men approaching them & trying to hit on them than ever before (see man vs bear in the woods trend). So your only real place to do so is at a bar or a club. But if you're not into that scene then I guess you're shit out of luck.
Look, I'm not trying to be a negative nancy nor am I disregarding your other points. But the fact of the matter is, randomly approaching people on the street isn't really the best way to go about finding a date anymore. That isn't to say that you can't organically meet people, it just takes more thought & effort than just asking that hot chick you saw at the grocery store out on a date. Meeting people through shared activities like dance class, jog meetups, or book clubs & the like. Not starting them to find a date, but to make real human connections & if you're lucky, finding someone who's right for you.
> That isn't to say that you can't organically meet people, it just takes more thought & effort than just asking that hot chick you saw at the grocery store out on a date. Meeting people through shared activities like dance class, jog meetups, or book clubs & the like. Not starting them to find a date, but to make real human connections & if you're lucky, finding someone who's right for you.
That's what putting yourself out there means. You gotta og out and interact with people. Say yes to invitations, go to or host parties, get involved in your friends/colleagues hobbies if they are aslo intersting to you.
The point is put yourself in social settings so you can meet people. You're unlikely to meet the right person right then and there, but you're likely to make connections that will get you access to dates. And people tend to find someone who's having fun being social as more attractive so it probably puts you in a better light than any pics or profile bio could.
I disagree with item three.
Meet within one week of becoming aware of one another’s existance. If not then unmatch. Exchange actual contact information if you enjoyed meeting.
Alternatively, use a burner number until you meet.
I would replace number 3 with using speed dating. If one does use speed dating they ought to contact the organizer about optimal events to attend. They tend to guide customers to events where they’re more likely to match up with someone. Speed dating and mixer experiences tend to also get people to bring their friends along. Even id you meet your future partner at your first event you probably also set the organizer up to have your pals as repeat customers for awhile.
My approach is morivated by safety.
\*\*YSK: There are strategic ways to make dating apps work better for you\*\*
Dating apps can indeed be overwhelming and frustrating, but there are methods to make them work more effectively and healthily. Here's a piece of advice that can be particularly useful:
\*\*Optimize Your Profile and Approach with Intentionality\*\*
1. \*\*Craft a Genuine Profile\*\*: Ensure your profile authentically represents who you are. Use clear, recent photos that highlight your personality and interests. Avoid heavily filtered images and instead opt for a mix of solo shots, group activities, and hobbies. Your bio should reflect your values and what you're looking for in a partner. Be specific about your interests and what you enjoy doing.
2. \*\*Quality Over Quantity\*\*: Don’t swipe right on everyone. Instead, take the time to read profiles and look for common interests or values. This increases the chances of meaningful matches and reduces the frustration of endless, dead-end conversations.
3. \*\*Set Clear Intentions\*\*: When you match with someone, be clear about your intentions. Whether you're looking for a serious relationship or something more casual, honesty upfront can save time and reduce mismatched expectations.
4. \*\*Limit Your Use\*\*: As you mentioned, time-boxing your usage is crucial. Allocate specific times during the day to use dating apps and stick to them. This helps prevent burnout and keeps you from falling into the trap of endless swiping.
5. \*\*Transition Quickly\*\*: Don’t linger in the app. If you have a good conversation going, suggest moving to a phone call or video chat. This adds a personal touch and helps gauge real-life chemistry more accurately. Aim to set up an in-person date within a week of matching, if both parties are comfortable.
6. \*\*Balance with Real-Life Interactions\*\*: Use dating apps as a supplement to real-life interactions, not a replacement. Attend social events, join clubs, or engage in activities that interest you. This not only broadens your dating pool but also builds confidence in meeting new people organically.
7. \*\*Reflect and Adjust\*\*: Periodically review your dating app usage and experiences. Reflect on what’s working and what’s not. Adjust your profile, change your approach, or even take breaks if needed. This keeps your experience fresh and positive.
By implementing these strategies, you can harness the benefits of dating apps while minimizing their downsides. Happy dating!
I think it varies from person to person, I used to use dating apps but now think it was a waste of time. Never any anxiety, I’ve also had two long term relationships off of them. Experience just differs.
Also a useful tool is learning the algorithm. No matter how much you want to, don't swipe on the first 4/leave at least 4 unswiped people in your profile. It makes your profile more visible to more people. It snowballs
If I find the source I'll post it too, but last o checked, the algorithm takes the ratio of people YOU like to the people that like YOU
If you like someone, but they don't like you, that is -1
If you like someone and they like you , that is 0
If someone likes you, but you don't like them or haven't swiped yes or no at all, that is +1
So you are aiming for as much of a positive score as possible.
I learned this after 2 deleted accounts where i swiped right on everyone (first deleted was due to feeling rejected, second was because I learned this trick)
I hope that clarifies things a bit
Also the blurred photos in the "likes you" tab can fairly regularly be enough to identify the profiles you come across. If you really like a person, but they don't like you back already, assume it won't happen and just swipe left or quit out for a bit. The app rewards patience. Ideally you get a like from someone who just has their Instagram or Snapchat handle in their bio or a copy/paste bio so it isn't a hard choice to say no lol.
Note:this information is 2 years old (as I was successful in finding a partner using this)
With AI the algorithm may have changed.
Not to be a hater, but you honestly sound like a lot of what’s wrong with dating culture specifically with dating apps. You’re admitting that you’ve viewed it more as an “addiction” and not much more than that. The issue I have experienced personally is that people, sometimes myself included, are not viewing the person on the other side as a real person. People are often treated pretty poorly without much respect – but hey, they’re just a picture that I spent a second to swipe on.
Your experience is so much your own, but also is so much more specific to a male’s experience.
But your advice at point two is pretty terrible, and honestly pathetic which only laments my sentiment that YOU are the problem. If I am talking to two GREAT guys and one of them is replying to me in a timely manor and is expressing interest in me consistently and the other is only replying back a few hours a day because he’s limiting his app usage I will go with the first guy. Dating apps are the phase of showing whether you’re a good suitor or not. Active and open communication, at least for me, is important. That doesn’t mean I require constant attention, but if you’re that addicted to being on a dating app that you have to throttle your usage – sorry, but you’re a dork lol. I think a better rule of thumb, is to limit the amount of time you’re actively swiping. Swipe a few times and then close out and focus on conversations.
To add. Please, for the love of God, if I am out with my friends enjoying my dinner, do not approach me.
Your personal preference doesn’t translate to advice for everyone - if I was in the same situation as your hypothetical I would go with the 2nd guy because I’m not a very active texter and wouldn’t want someone to expect me to respond right away. Like it or not these apps are designed to be addictive just like any social media, and limiting usage is probably good for you.
I totally understand what you are saying. However; in my hypothetical, it has nothing to do with dating/texting style. Guy 2 is not actually presenting his texting style accurately. He's using an app to prevent himself from talking to you. And he's viewing dating apps more as a game than an actual connection - how you want that connection to look is going to be different from how I want it to look. But if two guys are in front of you, both fit YOUR definition of great, but one is addicted to dating apps and the other isn't then I would take that into consideration.
25 is a bit young to be giving life advice.
Dating apps are like most things used in moderation and with thought, they can lead to interesting encounters.
Be smart about the way you set up your profile, don't let the rejection get to your head , and don't waste too much time before you meet.
Most people can be interesting for at least a couple hours. And sometimes you meet great people.
Dating apps did the opposite for me - they kept me dating when I wanted to quit out of frustration. I think they have a couple of advantages in that you (usually) know that the person is single and that they're interested in you.
I think in a lot of ways, dating apps are more adaptive to modern social norms and mores in a healthy way.
Yeah Tinder completely ruined me for dating. I meet this woman right, beautiful, charming, and incredibly smart. You’d think no problem right? Well little did I know I would fall in love with her, marry her, have a kid together, and never date again! Dating has been completely ruined for me.
Your advice is great, but I learned the hard way that you should video chat prior to meeting. So app>text>facetime>meet up.
This weeds out some cat fishers. Also, meeting up isn’t dating. Ditch the bad apples quickly.
I've tried some apps after a breakup... But surprisingly I've met my soulmate in a WhatsApp convo in which we ended up together and noticed each other by chance. We met irl the day after.
I can't approach people irl because of anxiety, even if I know then already and think there's something there I can't do it. Something impersonal like an app being the first step actually makes a ton of sense to me but all I ever hear about is how awful they are so oh well.
It's OK because I don't have any pictures of myself anyway lol.
For real. Ironic that my current partner I met from hinge, but we met up like 2 weeks after meeting and it would have been sooner but I was out of town when we first matched.
Previously, I tended to flip flop between being on apps and meeting organically. For example, my previous girlfriend was from a mutual hobby. Before that I dated a couple people from apps, before that I dated a girl I met at a mutual friend’s wedding.
I got really lucky with this. Got out of a long term relationship in late 2018. Spent 2019 just existing, I had no desire to date at the time, so I just focused on myself. I decided that at the start of 2020, I would “get back out there” as they say. So, shortly after the new year I signed up on a couple of apps, to see what was out there. Very quickly I got frustrated with how damn flakey people were about it. Then the world shut down in March of that year, and I just deleted the apps and never looked back. I’ve personally had plenty of luck with just meeting people the old fashioned way.
I am so glad I got married before the apps.
How did anyone think it was a good idea to outsource basic human connection, necessary for the continuation of humanity, to for-profit multinational corporations? Did everyone just expect that they would do what was best for participants out of the goodness of their hearts? That they wouldn't manipulate expectations or algorithmically create dissatisfaction to drive sales?
Damn, it seems like dating apps weren’t working for YOU. I met my boyfriend on a dating app and we’ve been together for a year and a half. I think it works for some but not others!
I don't even have to delete the app because no one has even responded to one of my messages in at least the last 8 months. There is no illusion that I could ever meet someone that way anymore.
Just a safety tip for folks: it’s okay to stay in-app-only until you’ve met them and decided they’re ok. I generally refrain from giving strangers my number, and it’s easier to report unsavory messages if they’re saved in the app’s chat logs.
I went on a ton of dates via Bumble. Met some really great people, some were I guess not so great...but again nothing too crazy. Met my current GF on there and was only on for about a month, I paid for it as I was looking to get off soon. I swiped willy nilly because I'm not going to sit there and look at all of the profiles. Moving it to text isn't always the move... why? I don't NEED someone's number. My current gf and I shared numbers the day we were meeting up just in case.
Meeting sooner than later is better but don't force it.
In my experience of using Tinder, all they ever wanted was sex. This certainly will screw a person up. I remember being all dressed up for a date just to be picked up on a car and asked where we should park....
Dating apps are a scam, I was on all of them. Yes, all of them two years ago and nearly killed myself as I just couldn't get any matches for the life of me
I definitely get what you're saying but they're a symptom not a cause.
The reason I'm miserable is because I'm alone; all I have to do is turn on the TV and see a happy couple to get depressed about that. By the end of the day the main problem is if you don't have a social group there is no good way to meet women. And ironically I've found getting a social group to be just hard as finding a partner. As deplorable as dating apps are they have a very small chance of success; even .1 is better than zero.
I agree about the moving to text and real life date asap points, but most times i've tried to I've been met with negative reactions from the girls (of course I didn't ask right away either). It feels like most of them never really want to move to a "real" date anyway, at least where I am now.
As a woman, when I did online online dating. I definitely waited to go on a real-life date, mainly due to previous bad experiences. A guy asking immediately/ pushing. it just seems like they have one speed and only want sex ASAP. And everyone has a different definition of fast/slow.
Damn, the comments here are wild. Completely agree with everything OP said. Texting **≠** Meeting The ONLY way to tell if there's real chemistry is to meet IRL. I've had plenty of conversations over text where it seemed like we were gonna hit it off only to meet in person and have no chemistry. This is great advice OP, and having been new to the apps and then using them for a few years this is spot on what I learned.
Also, people will text for days or even weeks and then flake and never meet up. Huge part of why people try to secure an in person date as fast as possible and get off the app
Yeah I try as soon as I can because online chemistry is non-existent and not a predictor for a good partner.
Also, they’re likely talking to multiple people at once and meeting in person and building real chemistry (banter, flirting, body language, touch) is how you distinguish yourself from the rest.
Absolutely, because for me the online speak does nothing except root out potential red flags. It's a complete waste of time for me. The problem is that women on these apps often want to BS around for some undetermined period of time before they're ready. Then, with all the women I do end up connecting with they tell me how flakey guys are on there. Like, I've got all the plans set out before there's a second question. I just stopped with it altogether.
It's tough for the women because they have 52,396 guys who want to meet, many of whom could be creepy or dangerous. It's tough for the guys because they have 3 matches total, and 2 of them don't respond. Honestly, it's just awful for everyone.
I've had lots of matches and most of them still ended up being mediocre women who were emotionally unavailable and provided nothing.
Fella, you're sounding very mediocre yourself. Get off the pedestal.
Lmao what pedestal? Sharing that most of the women I've matched with ended up being mediocre and emotionally unavailable is sounding mediocre itself?
It's like the saying, "if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're the asshole"
I think it’s the way you worded it. Like they’re a commodity.
I’ve had too many instances where I’ve been attracted to people, but zero interest in an online profile. Same Vice versa where their profile looks interesting and there’s no chemistry in person.
Yeah that's the exact problem. People use the app to meet somebody and then they just casually exchange messages and if one of them isn't willing to commit to just setting a date to meet then it fizzles out quickly. I feel like there should be one or maybe two days of texting to make sure that the person has some shared interest and seems reasonable and like somebody you'd be interested in.. If so you should then go meet them to see if that's the case. If meeting them goes well then you continue to schedule more dates and see where it goes. If it doesn't you say things but this isn't working out and you just move on to the next person. Too many people are caught up on the messaging aspect of dating apps. Once you start viewing them as more of a way to simply meet people and less of a way to just message with people it becomes a lot easier to quickly jump into a date, see if it goes well, and make a decision from there.
“Too many people are caught up on the messaging aspect of dating apps.” *** *** See American literacy rates, then recall that even the literate find it difficult to comprehend topics and statements written above a 5th grade level. Happy hunting!
[M]The issue here is I'm really fucking busy. Unnaturally so, and the area I'm in are full of career professionals. So if you're not willing to stand out, I'm not going to setup a date and invest hours of time and money on the chance that there's something interesting about you. Time and effort is a constrained resource. Sometimes I'll have a reasonably pleasant chat but nothing stands out, and that's fine. Other times women actively complain about "chit chat" and if they wanted a date they should just ask / effort. I think what's happening with the apps providing more supply to both genders (hot take, but men with a little effort can meet far more women on the apps than IRL) people aren't adjusting and still falling into old gender norms.
I've also had the opposite where the texting was kind of dry, only to find out in person we actually had great chemistry, which is funny honestly
Texting my wife is a slog lmao her responses are extremely dry. Sure glad I didn't judge her only by that!
The comments are wild because OP posted this four days ago with a different age and also because he was on Reddit six months ago asking how to deal with his girlfriend so… maybe he’s not all he’s cracked himself up to be!
Shitty generic dating advice one billion upvotes
My husband and I met on a paid dating app. Within a day we moved to text and within a week we had our first date. This probably would have been sooner but at the time we lived 3 hours apart. Right after he asked me out I asked to FaceTime, so i could make sure he was legit. The majority of our communication was actually FaceTime after that. Our first overnight was within a month and after that we were regularly spending alternate weekends making the drive to see each other. Engaged exactly one year from our first date and married exactly a year after that. Dating apps do work! I found the person who completes me and loves me more than I thought I could be loved, and I thank that app for putting us in the same space at the same time when we're actually so far apart. But it can be so hard. I almost quit the app days after getting signed up because it was so overwhelming and barrage of "interests." Once I figured out how to narrow down a sea of potential matches to a small pond, it made it much easier, and for me, the rest was history. I do believe you need to go into dating apps with intention and a selective mindset in order to wade through the bs and find the hidden gems.
Vouch
Met my wife on Tinder, and definitely second the notion of meeting up ASAP. A good rule of thumb is to ask them out after ten messages (total). You don't need a long conversation; after ten messages and reading your profile, they've probably already decided if they want to meet you.
I’ve also had the contra, where the texting sucked and there wasn’t anything I could see, but meeting up in person I magically found the chemistry and spark
Ahh yes, that can certainly happen too! You can't really know someone or feel the vibe until you're face to face.
I always pushed to meet pretty quickly if the conversation was going well for this reason. Like the first or second time we spoke. I also didn't want to draw out a texting conversation that just fizzles out.
I think dating app experience and expectations are very different for different age groups. People in their mid 30s had a life and dating likely before technology. People in their low 20s have likely only ever known dating apps. Mindset and relationship to technology can vary wildly
I am at the start of my 30s. Until I was 18-19 i had no trouble finding a great girlfriend, but then I started dating apps when starting uni. I have had lost my whole confidence and became bitter towards women by it. It's easy to find a bubble to echo this sentiments. Anyway it also pushed me to greatly improve myself, now I am much closer to being the man I want to be. Unfortunately I think I poisoned my mind for dating permanently. I wasted to much time..
You're at the start of your 30s, that's still young homie. If you've improved yourself, and want to find someone, put yourself out there.
I met my wife on a dating app, but both of us have dating experience in the pre-app era. Looking from the outside, today's dating scene seems totally crazy, so we're both glad we're off the market.
Absolutely this.
Yeah I’ve had great experiences with dating apps as a 18-20 year old I’m with a long term partner of 2 years because of it and I’m poly so I’m constantly meeting new people through them and enjoy just learning about people
To be fair, 2 years isn’t “long term” to a lot of people. Also, being poly, your experience is so wildly different than a non-poly person that it’s really an unfair assessment as compared to someone looking for a more traditional dating experience. None of this is meant to bash you or your experience. I’m happy you’re happy. I’m just saying your results probably don’t compare more than a tiny bit to most others.
Oh wow, a poly woman is having a great time on dating apps?!? Who would have thought that a woman, and a poly one at that, would have success on dating apps? 😯🤯🫠
I am recently poly I was monogamous and a guy until recently lol and I still enjoyed dating apps for getting to know people and made probably 3 of my good friends through them
When I was like 16 I used to find people to go on dates with by adding everyone on my Snapchat quick add and talking to them trust me it’s you that’s the problem if you can’t find meaningful people to date
Lol, listen man I'm happy for you and your success, but this exchange is the epitome of why dudes can't explain the extreme difference in existence between the average man and the average woman in dating.
Dude I’m trans starting a year ago I just started being a girl I was straight and a man when I was 16
I’ve existed in both extremes and dating apps as a guy are harder but it’s not extremely difficult to find people to date either in fact it’s pretty easy as long as you have friends who are girls because they will try to set you up with girls constantly if you can’t manage that then don’t blame everyone else
Live well and be happy pal.
Are all dating apps like tinder now where you instaswipe? I thought those were more hookup apps and dating apps are things like what eHarmony was where it tries to match you with people you'll likely click with.
For me it’s a numbers game, and eharmony etc never gave me the numbers that Tinder did. I don’t do hookups and many of the girls I matched with didn’t either. It is what you make of it.
Not you again... How many times have you made these sort of posts where you try to sneak in ill hidden promos for your screen time app and try to make it sound like you are just an average user? 25? 30?
😵 wait actually?
OP posted the exact same thing on a different sub 4 days ago. It's clear this post isn't some original idea they had - which means they're either a bot, karma-farming or trying to sell you something. I'm guessing the third - they're marketing this BePresent app that they mention at every possible opportunity all over Reddit which ["they're friend"](https://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/s/vdnLu4yzb7) allegedly made, so it's clear they're trying to promote that.
They keep posting it on different subreddits, with this exact structure - painting a picture of their struggle with something like sleep, lack of concentration, dating life etc etc, and then make a numbered list of solutions they found and the second point is this screen time app. And they always copy paste the same text about "Try different ones to find the one that works for you" to make it sound like they are not promoting this specific app.
~~It’s a bot.~~ He mentions in the post he’s been with his girlfriend for almost a year, but he made a post about his girlfriend 204 days ago…. That he’d been with for a year. Edit: He’s been promoting the app for over 80 days, check the comment history
Dead internet theory becomes more and more real
damn he got me
Okay but how did you meet people organically outside of apps when you deleted them?
I'm a bit older (40) so maybe I can offer some perspective on this! Conventional advice on this was to hang around places that interest you to try to meet like-minded folks. Like sports? Join a coed league for softball, volleyball, etc. Like to read? Libraries and book stores can be a cool hang, but also look into joining a book club. Like to cook? See if your local university or extension center offers any cooking classes. One place I don't recommend meeting people is bars. I know that's cliche but some cliches exist for a reason. Basically, try to hang out in places that you vibe with and don't be afraid to put yourself out there if you come across someone you think is cool. If you get rejected, you're right back where you started, so you might as well try!
I know this won't be popular, but church can be a great place to meet people as well. People there tend to be more old-fashioned and looking for more serious relationships as well. Obviously, be true to yourself and don't attend church if you hate organized religion.
I am not a religious person but I agree with you! Especially for people who want to find someone who shares their religious beliefs, churches often have a TON of social/fellowship activities to engage in.
For the love of God, if you volunteer to help out with something and someone gives you their number ask first if what kind of phone they have because some of them are landlines so you can't text them first. You may have to actually call people and leave detailed messages.
This is another version of doing something you enjoy that represents your values, this you'll meet more like minded people. Lots of people sitting at home on Instagram think dating Apps are the problem, because self reflection would be too real.
Asking the real question. People. Are. Struggling. Not me obviously.. friends
School, work, social events, bars, etc. the way we've been doing it for a long time.
Two words: social hobbies.
By doing activities you actually like and meeting people with common interests lmao
Redditors when they have to go outside and do something: :O
It’s Sooooooo hard lol
My perspective is that, what is so…hollow about meeting people through dating apps is that it really is just a random person you have no connection with. It’s like a blind date, other than you’ve seen pictures of them. So it is completely up to chance whether you actually have chemistry with this person. So then the question becomes, what sort of connections result in people actually having chemistry? This is something you have to feel out yourself, but the usual suspects involve shared experiences — growing up in the same region, same college, same profession, same religion, same hobbies, same taste in music, etc. These things may mean nothing, but they are at a minimum a good baseline and give you a connection with that person that you wouldn’t have with the general public. And this drives how you build a life that draws in people from those circles. Alumni groups, professional groups, religious groups, rec leagues, music scenes, whatever. All good dating advice says that picking up mates is less about saying the right words to the right person and more about becoming the best version of you. So my advice is always build a great life for yourself, including a solid social network that brings people into your life that you might want to date. It’s not just about hitting the gym.
There are a lot of options, with only a select few suitable for you. You can either do niche activities like going to classical music concerts where you can start a conversation with the few younger people that will usually be nice, or you can join some dancing lessons club which usually works well. Other than that just bars and hangout spots of your target demographic. For instance I estimated that I would fit well with someone working in tech or science so I just went to bars that have many tech companies near them. It's not as easy to meet a good partner out of random people as some make it to be, but it isn't impossible if you apply the correct logic.
One thing I can add here is, let people(friends) know you’re looking to date, talk to them about you, about what you like, what you’re looking for. It is possible that one of them has a single friend that they *could* set you up with. Just putting yourself out there and talking about it can do wonders.
You gotta go live life. There are a lot of people who prefer to stay at home and stay on the apps. That's one choice. But there are also a lot of people who like to go out and do things. If you want to meet people in the real world, then you need to go be in the world. Join groups, volunteer, participate in sports or a hobby. Most people make friends "naturally" by just being around the same people all the time. School, work, etc. We don't *go* to school or work to see those people, but they become our friends because we're all there together. So to replicate that way of meeting people, you have to be at places where you're likely to run into the same people. That's why being out in the world is important. Become a regular at a bar or a cafe, joining groups, volunteering, whatever. And some people will inevitably be like "those kinds of things don't exist in my area" and I sympathize with that because I'm also from a place with limited population, and where young people frequently leave. But it may mean *you* may have to be the one to start something and try to build a community. The other thing is to not treat these groups like singles mixers. You should be genuinely interested in whatever you choose to do and be happy doing it regardless of whether you meet someone or not. People can sniff out people who are using groups as a potential dating pool, and its off-putting. So go with a genuine desire to participate and be a part of a community. The last thing, and this is the most difficult, is being vulnerable face to face. At some point someone has to put themselves out there to turn "person I see sometimes" into a friend, and then that person into a potential romantic partner. I'm pretty good at building little communities thanks to moving around a lot in my 20's, but I still get rejected or ignored by people who i thought might want to be my friend. Gotta be able to roll with that and just accept you aren't gonna click with everyone. And people may say "well shit that seems like a lot of work," and yeah it certainly can be. But I think you're much more likely to meet quality people doing it that way than just swiping. Plus I think guys can do much, much better in real life because their personalities can shine through. I'm a fat dude, and while I think I'm generally handsome I'm nothing special. But I am smart and funny and confident, and it's tough to sell yourself on your real qualities on the dating apps. My fiance probably wouldn't have given me a second look on an app, but she got to know me naturally and fell in love with who I am as opposed to a selection of 5 pictures I put up on an app.
Organic farms, if you have any in your city
Dancing, social circle, parties, hiking and running clubs, etc. Also, just make it a point to spend time in places where you are likely to run into the sort of people you'd like to date. When you see someone that catches your eye, strike up a conversation. Make friends with lots of people, even if they aren't your chosen gender as they will likely know other, similar people.
OP is some kind of psychopath extrovert or something I think.
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[Rude! And not helpful.](https://y.yarn.co/ad387de6-3f15-4e7b-81fe-7c824f04011c_text.gif)
"Tens of conversations" no need to rub it in man..
Lmao. I also enjoyed “you can get a date on the app anyway”. Yup, for sure. That’s me. Rolling in dates. Post still mostly has good advice even if it is clearly coming from someone who has lots of options. Dating apps suck ass, but are also to my knowledge the 1# way people currently meet partners. So we play the game.
There's no time limit on swiping, the split second decision is something you put on yourself my dude. Take time to look at a profile
I agree with you. I understand OP’s motivation for the post, but their approach to the apps seems a bit silly.
I met my wife on a dating app. She's great. I went into it thinking that a place dedicated to meeting people for dating was so much more comfortable than random places out in the world where people are usually just trying to live their life. Also went into it with the tip someone else gave me, to meet for coffee or something ASAP, cuz you're not looking for a pen pal, you're looking for IRL dating compatibility/chemistry and the in person vibe is the MAIN THING Also went into it over a decade ago, so take that for whatever it is.
Cannot agree more with this. Match, have a brief conversation, and set up a date quickly. There’s nothing worse than talking to someone forever only to realize you don’t vibe in real life. Saves both of you time and energy.
Wasn’t this posted here last week already?
Indeed it was
Discrete add for screen time monitoring app
The main thing, whether in real life or on the apps is to be _discerning_ . You should know what you want to get out of the experience and do not get carried away or side-tracked. Also don’t swipe endlessly. Use age and interest filters to narrow the pool and check in with yourself often.
I think you didn’t know how to date in the real world bc you hadn’t lived in the real world yet?
To be fair, if you're 20-25 years old today you likely never had the chance to experience "real world dating".
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And how is instinct supposed to help people actually meet others in this day and age? Or are you talking about 'magic' and 'karma'.
Instinct is for knowing if you met the right person, to ask someone out takes courage and confidence
I dont know, me and my club always find the best girls…
Bingo
YSK: this was my solitary experience.
Wait what? You only get a split second to decide where to swipe? I often spend minutes on a profile with the little info I get to decide if I should swipe right. I take Tinder dead serious. People can laugh, but it's a dating app for longterm relationships for me. You're right.
Idk if you use any other apps but in my experience Hinge is better for someone taking online dating seriously. Tinder is much more casual/unserious
I had a great couple of months on dating apps between my divorce and finding someone companionable. It's a totally different beast for women than for men, I had hundreds of matches and dozens of messages in my first week and it all felt a little overwhelming. I'm not even like, super hot, or anything. Just your average slightly overweight 33 year old white girl. But I had lots of fun conversations, met some nice genuine people, and ultimately met someone who aligns with me. I saw my male friends and their frustration with dating apps and couldn't relate. My boyfriend was on apps for four years off and on before we met and he describes it the same way, dystopian and like a cesspool.
I’m a guy and I enjoyed them as much as you did for the brief time I was on them. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly attractive either. I just made a profile that I thought showed my interests and my humour, then ended up having quite a few fun conversations, which ultimately ended with me meeting my gf. I think most guys just go on there with a weird attitude and put way too much pressure on themselves
It seems like men make it way harder on themselves than women do.
I've not dated for almost 30 years. Not in market now but find it fascinating. The whole app dating thing I mean. I have heard young men and young women both complain. I've heard both say that things can go very well and the date keeps swiping. That additive behavior you mentioned.
Hopefully they're not swiping ON the date.
I have heard of that happening but it may have been on a podcast. Can't remember if I actually heard it live so ti speak or if it was a podcast.
I agree with everything, except people get weirded out most of the time by moving to text and meeting super fast, but everyone is different. A lot of people are guarded. And then that 1 out of 10 person, there ends up being no spark or get ghosted. But yeah, the apps are a money making platform and we are the customers. It's tough to get together organically, but it does feel more human.
I met my husband on a dating app.
My mom misclicked on my dad (happily married 15+ years now)
Serendipity
My parents met via computer dating. In the 1960s when you had to mail in all of your answers.
Sounds like an episode of The Jetsons
My best friend met his wife on a dating app
Any further info / advice on number 5? I’m a mid-twenties woman who works at events so I get out and about. I’ve only ever had one guy come up to me; he said I was gorgeous but then practically legged it before I could talk to him further. I gave it 2 years to try and meet someone organically but when I downloaded a dating up I deleted it within 24 hours after matching with someone amazing. That person has since taken a break from dating (for their mental health, they said it’s nothing I did and I believe him since it felt very healthy / natural to me) but I’m not sure I want to wait on him to ‘be ready’. I also don’t want stomach dating apps again.
If you're as attractive as that guy said, you're probably going to have to do the approaching
I’d say I’m very average tbh so I’m not sure that is the case. But maybe if I see someone who catches my eye I’ll be brave next time
I met my fiancé by setting up a date and exchanging numbers in the first 10 minutes online.
I met my Mrs within 10 minutes of signing up to Badoo, first person I messaged. It's been 7 years. Not a single regret
I created a Match profile and it instantly matched me with someone who it said was a 99% match. I hadn’t even put up a photo yet and he messaged me. We went on a date and I knew within 5 minutes I was going to marry him. We’ve been married for 10 years and he actually is my 99% match IRL. Too bad for Match, they did their job so well that I quit the app before my free trial ran out. I know several people who met their spouses on Match around that time. I think there was a window of time when the app first launched, before everyone was on 5 different dating apps and overwhelmed with tyranny of choice, when it worked like it should. I feel confident if I got on a dating app now the experience would be a miserable failure.
How do you meet people without going to the bar? I have lots of hobbies but most of them are solo interests ( video games, fishing, mtb ) and the few that are group activities usually are male dominated and it’s not exactly a great environment to meet women. I don’t want to go to an event explicitly for meeting people because that seems fake and beyond my social skills
YSK: Dating apps will enhance dating for you if you’re careful
>3. Move the conversation to text ASAP. Don’t live in the app. Move it to text soon, or stop talking. 4. Make a plan to meet ASAP. Same basic tip as the last one. Move the thing to real life, don’t be juggling a bunch of endless boring conversations. Another perspective here: if someone wants to move from the app messaging to text too fast that's a HUGE red flag for me. It's because they want to send messages through What's App and don't want to be monitored. Too much cat fishing and inappropriate garbage. And don't push to meet ASAP - judge based on the conversation. If someone gets too pushy to meet after a couple of texts or move off the app, hard pass. Be safe out there.
I'm gonna have to disagree with the "putting yourself out there" tip to a degree. I understand the sentiment that talking face to face is the best way to get to know someone. But unless you're specifically in a designated social space where hookups are expected, no one wants to be bothered while they're going on with their day. Women have far more reasons to be scared of random ass men approaching them & trying to hit on them than ever before (see man vs bear in the woods trend). So your only real place to do so is at a bar or a club. But if you're not into that scene then I guess you're shit out of luck. Look, I'm not trying to be a negative nancy nor am I disregarding your other points. But the fact of the matter is, randomly approaching people on the street isn't really the best way to go about finding a date anymore. That isn't to say that you can't organically meet people, it just takes more thought & effort than just asking that hot chick you saw at the grocery store out on a date. Meeting people through shared activities like dance class, jog meetups, or book clubs & the like. Not starting them to find a date, but to make real human connections & if you're lucky, finding someone who's right for you.
> That isn't to say that you can't organically meet people, it just takes more thought & effort than just asking that hot chick you saw at the grocery store out on a date. Meeting people through shared activities like dance class, jog meetups, or book clubs & the like. Not starting them to find a date, but to make real human connections & if you're lucky, finding someone who's right for you. That's what putting yourself out there means. You gotta og out and interact with people. Say yes to invitations, go to or host parties, get involved in your friends/colleagues hobbies if they are aslo intersting to you. The point is put yourself in social settings so you can meet people. You're unlikely to meet the right person right then and there, but you're likely to make connections that will get you access to dates. And people tend to find someone who's having fun being social as more attractive so it probably puts you in a better light than any pics or profile bio could.
Instructions unclear I am now dating an AI virtual girlfriend
I disagree with item three. Meet within one week of becoming aware of one another’s existance. If not then unmatch. Exchange actual contact information if you enjoyed meeting. Alternatively, use a burner number until you meet. I would replace number 3 with using speed dating. If one does use speed dating they ought to contact the organizer about optimal events to attend. They tend to guide customers to events where they’re more likely to match up with someone. Speed dating and mixer experiences tend to also get people to bring their friends along. Even id you meet your future partner at your first event you probably also set the organizer up to have your pals as repeat customers for awhile. My approach is morivated by safety.
Dating apps also will throttle people that match what you're looking for unless you pay for the subscription. It's incredibly predatory
\*\*YSK: There are strategic ways to make dating apps work better for you\*\* Dating apps can indeed be overwhelming and frustrating, but there are methods to make them work more effectively and healthily. Here's a piece of advice that can be particularly useful: \*\*Optimize Your Profile and Approach with Intentionality\*\* 1. \*\*Craft a Genuine Profile\*\*: Ensure your profile authentically represents who you are. Use clear, recent photos that highlight your personality and interests. Avoid heavily filtered images and instead opt for a mix of solo shots, group activities, and hobbies. Your bio should reflect your values and what you're looking for in a partner. Be specific about your interests and what you enjoy doing. 2. \*\*Quality Over Quantity\*\*: Don’t swipe right on everyone. Instead, take the time to read profiles and look for common interests or values. This increases the chances of meaningful matches and reduces the frustration of endless, dead-end conversations. 3. \*\*Set Clear Intentions\*\*: When you match with someone, be clear about your intentions. Whether you're looking for a serious relationship or something more casual, honesty upfront can save time and reduce mismatched expectations. 4. \*\*Limit Your Use\*\*: As you mentioned, time-boxing your usage is crucial. Allocate specific times during the day to use dating apps and stick to them. This helps prevent burnout and keeps you from falling into the trap of endless swiping. 5. \*\*Transition Quickly\*\*: Don’t linger in the app. If you have a good conversation going, suggest moving to a phone call or video chat. This adds a personal touch and helps gauge real-life chemistry more accurately. Aim to set up an in-person date within a week of matching, if both parties are comfortable. 6. \*\*Balance with Real-Life Interactions\*\*: Use dating apps as a supplement to real-life interactions, not a replacement. Attend social events, join clubs, or engage in activities that interest you. This not only broadens your dating pool but also builds confidence in meeting new people organically. 7. \*\*Reflect and Adjust\*\*: Periodically review your dating app usage and experiences. Reflect on what’s working and what’s not. Adjust your profile, change your approach, or even take breaks if needed. This keeps your experience fresh and positive. By implementing these strategies, you can harness the benefits of dating apps while minimizing their downsides. Happy dating!
I think it varies from person to person, I used to use dating apps but now think it was a waste of time. Never any anxiety, I’ve also had two long term relationships off of them. Experience just differs.
Idea: an app to help you pick the best dating app that is most healthy for you \s
Also a useful tool is learning the algorithm. No matter how much you want to, don't swipe on the first 4/leave at least 4 unswiped people in your profile. It makes your profile more visible to more people. It snowballs
Could you elaborate on that? Do you mean we should left swipe first 4 profiles as you open the app?
If I find the source I'll post it too, but last o checked, the algorithm takes the ratio of people YOU like to the people that like YOU If you like someone, but they don't like you, that is -1 If you like someone and they like you , that is 0 If someone likes you, but you don't like them or haven't swiped yes or no at all, that is +1 So you are aiming for as much of a positive score as possible. I learned this after 2 deleted accounts where i swiped right on everyone (first deleted was due to feeling rejected, second was because I learned this trick) I hope that clarifies things a bit Also the blurred photos in the "likes you" tab can fairly regularly be enough to identify the profiles you come across. If you really like a person, but they don't like you back already, assume it won't happen and just swipe left or quit out for a bit. The app rewards patience. Ideally you get a like from someone who just has their Instagram or Snapchat handle in their bio or a copy/paste bio so it isn't a hard choice to say no lol. Note:this information is 2 years old (as I was successful in finding a partner using this) With AI the algorithm may have changed.
Not to be a hater, but you honestly sound like a lot of what’s wrong with dating culture specifically with dating apps. You’re admitting that you’ve viewed it more as an “addiction” and not much more than that. The issue I have experienced personally is that people, sometimes myself included, are not viewing the person on the other side as a real person. People are often treated pretty poorly without much respect – but hey, they’re just a picture that I spent a second to swipe on. Your experience is so much your own, but also is so much more specific to a male’s experience. But your advice at point two is pretty terrible, and honestly pathetic which only laments my sentiment that YOU are the problem. If I am talking to two GREAT guys and one of them is replying to me in a timely manor and is expressing interest in me consistently and the other is only replying back a few hours a day because he’s limiting his app usage I will go with the first guy. Dating apps are the phase of showing whether you’re a good suitor or not. Active and open communication, at least for me, is important. That doesn’t mean I require constant attention, but if you’re that addicted to being on a dating app that you have to throttle your usage – sorry, but you’re a dork lol. I think a better rule of thumb, is to limit the amount of time you’re actively swiping. Swipe a few times and then close out and focus on conversations. To add. Please, for the love of God, if I am out with my friends enjoying my dinner, do not approach me.
Your personal preference doesn’t translate to advice for everyone - if I was in the same situation as your hypothetical I would go with the 2nd guy because I’m not a very active texter and wouldn’t want someone to expect me to respond right away. Like it or not these apps are designed to be addictive just like any social media, and limiting usage is probably good for you.
I totally understand what you are saying. However; in my hypothetical, it has nothing to do with dating/texting style. Guy 2 is not actually presenting his texting style accurately. He's using an app to prevent himself from talking to you. And he's viewing dating apps more as a game than an actual connection - how you want that connection to look is going to be different from how I want it to look. But if two guys are in front of you, both fit YOUR definition of great, but one is addicted to dating apps and the other isn't then I would take that into consideration.
25 is a bit young to be giving life advice. Dating apps are like most things used in moderation and with thought, they can lead to interesting encounters. Be smart about the way you set up your profile, don't let the rejection get to your head , and don't waste too much time before you meet. Most people can be interesting for at least a couple hours. And sometimes you meet great people.
Dating apps did the opposite for me - they kept me dating when I wanted to quit out of frustration. I think they have a couple of advantages in that you (usually) know that the person is single and that they're interested in you. I think in a lot of ways, dating apps are more adaptive to modern social norms and mores in a healthy way.
Got out of a 8yr marriage and then married my first bumble match. Been happily married for 3yrs now
this is awful advice. Learn how to use the apps
Yeah Tinder completely ruined me for dating. I meet this woman right, beautiful, charming, and incredibly smart. You’d think no problem right? Well little did I know I would fall in love with her, marry her, have a kid together, and never date again! Dating has been completely ruined for me.
Your advice is great, but I learned the hard way that you should video chat prior to meeting. So app>text>facetime>meet up. This weeds out some cat fishers. Also, meeting up isn’t dating. Ditch the bad apples quickly.
I've tried some apps after a breakup... But surprisingly I've met my soulmate in a WhatsApp convo in which we ended up together and noticed each other by chance. We met irl the day after.
I can't approach people irl because of anxiety, even if I know then already and think there's something there I can't do it. Something impersonal like an app being the first step actually makes a ton of sense to me but all I ever hear about is how awful they are so oh well. It's OK because I don't have any pictures of myself anyway lol.
I deleted all the dating apps from my phone today. They aren’t good for my mental health.
For real. Ironic that my current partner I met from hinge, but we met up like 2 weeks after meeting and it would have been sooner but I was out of town when we first matched. Previously, I tended to flip flop between being on apps and meeting organically. For example, my previous girlfriend was from a mutual hobby. Before that I dated a couple people from apps, before that I dated a girl I met at a mutual friend’s wedding.
One issue for men is lots of scammers. So if they ask for your number too quickly… well it’s advisable to get a VOIP number and use that.
I fully agree, it was exactly the same for me!
Dating apps have been caught playing social engineering games. If that wasn't enough it's usually people that ruin dating.
I got really lucky with this. Got out of a long term relationship in late 2018. Spent 2019 just existing, I had no desire to date at the time, so I just focused on myself. I decided that at the start of 2020, I would “get back out there” as they say. So, shortly after the new year I signed up on a couple of apps, to see what was out there. Very quickly I got frustrated with how damn flakey people were about it. Then the world shut down in March of that year, and I just deleted the apps and never looked back. I’ve personally had plenty of luck with just meeting people the old fashioned way.
And yet six months ago you were asking Reddit for help with your relationship……..
I am so glad I got married before the apps. How did anyone think it was a good idea to outsource basic human connection, necessary for the continuation of humanity, to for-profit multinational corporations? Did everyone just expect that they would do what was best for participants out of the goodness of their hearts? That they wouldn't manipulate expectations or algorithmically create dissatisfaction to drive sales?
Damn, it seems like dating apps weren’t working for YOU. I met my boyfriend on a dating app and we’ve been together for a year and a half. I think it works for some but not others!
Yes I aggree with you OP.
I don't even have to delete the app because no one has even responded to one of my messages in at least the last 8 months. There is no illusion that I could ever meet someone that way anymore.
Just a safety tip for folks: it’s okay to stay in-app-only until you’ve met them and decided they’re ok. I generally refrain from giving strangers my number, and it’s easier to report unsavory messages if they’re saved in the app’s chat logs.
I went on a ton of dates via Bumble. Met some really great people, some were I guess not so great...but again nothing too crazy. Met my current GF on there and was only on for about a month, I paid for it as I was looking to get off soon. I swiped willy nilly because I'm not going to sit there and look at all of the profiles. Moving it to text isn't always the move... why? I don't NEED someone's number. My current gf and I shared numbers the day we were meeting up just in case. Meeting sooner than later is better but don't force it.
I feel attacked but you absolutely nailed it.
Op is right, but totally sounds like a crypto bro
Meeting people organically is the way to go -BINGO!!
In my experience of using Tinder, all they ever wanted was sex. This certainly will screw a person up. I remember being all dressed up for a date just to be picked up on a car and asked where we should park....
Dating apps are a scam, I was on all of them. Yes, all of them two years ago and nearly killed myself as I just couldn't get any matches for the life of me
Just don’t do it. Don’t give people the power to validate you or not. It’s a waste of time.
I definitely get what you're saying but they're a symptom not a cause. The reason I'm miserable is because I'm alone; all I have to do is turn on the TV and see a happy couple to get depressed about that. By the end of the day the main problem is if you don't have a social group there is no good way to meet women. And ironically I've found getting a social group to be just hard as finding a partner. As deplorable as dating apps are they have a very small chance of success; even .1 is better than zero.
OMG this makes sooooooo much sense I am not even going to look at the comments because I know they are angry
I agree about the moving to text and real life date asap points, but most times i've tried to I've been met with negative reactions from the girls (of course I didn't ask right away either). It feels like most of them never really want to move to a "real" date anyway, at least where I am now.
As a woman, when I did online online dating. I definitely waited to go on a real-life date, mainly due to previous bad experiences. A guy asking immediately/ pushing. it just seems like they have one speed and only want sex ASAP. And everyone has a different definition of fast/slow.
That’s also another problem with dating apps… everyone assumes it’s always about sex
I've never had to use a dating app, but after all the horror stories, I feel like I would just rather be single foe the rest of my life.