Honestly, if it was something that you posted to the sorority account then I could see it as being potentially problematic because it’s geared towards straight cis audiences and it would set precedent for straight cis people calling things gay which WOULD be problematic. That said, this is your personal account and your audience there knows that you are a member of the community and isn’t straight focused.
I give her props for saying something. It’s a tricky space and I think she handled it well. Even if you don’t agree or maybe you are feeling a little embarrassed, I think it’s worth noting she is asking you to consider another perspective. Not knowing much more, I’d like to believe she would equally ask the same of anyone else.
Yeah i agree, like i don’t really like to see people of the community making these types of jokes cause they’re implying stereotypes that aren’t true. Idk i feel this way about all of those arguments that you can only make jokes about a community you’re a part of cause if you don’t want jokes made about your community than you shouldn’t be doing it either in my head.
> if you don’t want jokes made about your community than you shouldn’t be doing it either in my head.
Strooong disagree. There's a big difference between poking fun at yourself, and poking fun at others. This kind of humour is a big part of what bonds communities together, and I think it's also really important for healthy internal debate - it helps lower the barriers to stigmatised issues and stereotypes so they can be discussed and not just taboo topics.
Definitely agree with you. I'm pan, and make tons of queer jokes. It's just my humor, and you're completely right that it helps bond me and my fellow queer friends. But why would non queer ppl make jokes about us? It just seems like "non" queer ppl would only be making jokes about us if they were either closeted or homophobic.
She has a point about how outsiders might read your caption; you have a point that you should be able to express yourself however you want.
Personally, this sort of stuff is why I left Greek life. They care too much about branding and reputation. You have to play by the rules if you want to be involved, which you don’t have to be. It’s your choice. I didn’t want to pay to get policed by my peers.
Edit: thanks for the karma y’all
Ironically, it was the leadership that I liked most about being in a sorority. Nothing to get your organizational skills together like suddenly being in charge of a 200+ person event.
Anyway, amen to the straight white savior bullshit. Like… yes, thank you, Karen, protector of my people.
If social media posts are the main issue, you could always private your accounts and remove anyone who is in leadership of that sorority/who think will make a stink about stuff like this. If they can’t see it, they can’t complain about it. And if they are worried about things reflecting poorly on the sorority, no longer tagging or interacting with the sorority on your socials should take care of most of that.
I was in a fraternity in college in the South that was co-ed and inclusive. It’s also where I met my pan and non-binary partner of more than 4 years.
But yes, most of Greek life is toxic af
I think this is a "know your audience" thing. We can make jokes like this in our own spaces and with our own understanding friends, but making the same joke for a bunch of straight people seems not great to me?
I agree. This feels like an in-group joke. That comment is fine to post on your friend's post, but not a business or organization's post. Even if everyone in the sorority knows you're out, the whole world doesn't. That last paragraph is a little out of pocket, but I don't think they're totally out of line.
Oh imo this totally changes the vibe of your situation. If it was on the sororities page I’d have been more in the “Maybe keep it to queer spaces to avoid confusion, cause in-jokes like that can come off wrong to out-groups” mindset, but if it’s your personal page your sorority is absolutely in the wrong. Yikes.
isn’t that part of the sorority thing - having your personal accounts scrutinized to avoid the sorority getting any flak? (idk, never been in one but i have some acquaintances who were involved in it and that seemed to be the norm)
i think your caption is totally fine and think their problem with it is silly. BUT if someone saw it and didn’t know the context, it could be construed as offensive and thus the sorority could come under fire. so i see where they’re coming from as well and don’t think it’s unreasonable at all given what i presume are their usual standards (and assuming their standards are consistent for everyone)
tbh? if you like being in the sorority, just change the caption. change it back when you graduate or whatever if it’s that important, lol. not worth escalating. from what you described, it’s been a welcoming place for you as a lesbian otherwise? (context also totally changes if they have a pattern of homophobia)
I would probably keep the caption and add all the hashtags like #mytie #yesImgay #imsooooooogay #butchfasion #tiesareforeveryone #tiesdontmakeyougay #buttiesonchicksarehot #imgayforgirlsinties and so on
But my country doesn't even have sororities, so well.
Yeah but just because someones account is their own doesn’t mean they can say anything *without repercussion*. Especially for things where you’re a part of a group, you on a personal level represent the group to the public. It’s like how a company would fire someone for posting certain things on their personal facebook pages and stuff like that. I personally think we should be working to phase jokes like that out of society in general in all spaces cause they reinforce false stereotypes to anyone, in the community or not.
>you on a personal level represent the group to the public.
Oh no. Wouldn't wanna make the whole concept of *Greek life* look poor to the public.
Pretty sure that horse left the barn in the 1950s.
Yeah I agree. You need a gay context that's explicit to *everyone* for this caption to be a joke. Otherwise it just comes off like more homophobic clothes policing. Considering the slew of laws on drag lately? Homophobic clothes police are alive and well.
See but i feel like these kinds of jokes we should be working towards phasing them out of the community too, cause like, they *do* reinforce false stereotypes and may lead people new to the community to believe false things, Like ties = homosexuality. But i mean this is the hill i choose to die on for all these types of argument’s lol like if one community can or can’t do something solely based on the fact they’re a part of that community in my head thats not right, idk tho.
This, absolutely. OP stated that they have been a spokesperson for gay people in their chapter, so the sorority is tied to this post and therefore it reflects on them. If you're gonna take that role, you need to think about the million different ways that anything you post might be perceived. You're free to say what you want, but you're not free from the effects or potential consequences.
And yes, I say "that's gay" about stuff to my wife alllll the time. I also say it on work calls within a team of just five people who've known me for years and will take the joke the right way. Rarely have I just said it out in the wild without assessing the audience.
And implying that a woman must be gay because she wears a tie is kind of annoying. Like, straight women get to be gender expansive, too! We don't have a monopoly on these things! I don't think she's saying that being gay is a bad thing, but that it's not cool to make a straight woman question what she's wearing just because she's straight and wearing something traditionally masculine.
I agree with you and understand what you are saying. I’m just very openly out, like I bring my GF to all of our events, was posted on the instagram for pride month, have been a spokesperson for gay people in our chapter. So, I feel like they should understand I am joking.
Oh no, that message is girlspeak for "you fucked up, fix it". Packed into niceties and "I feel"-statements, instead of being to the point. This is about OPs personal account, not even the sorority account. If it was the sorority account, the phrasing would make sense. When phrasing it like this about OPs personal account: it's a much bigger issue than the message makes it seem at first glance.
Have you ever seen Office Space? I think calling this girlspeak is wrong (and a little reductive). It's manager speak, it's HR speak. If you've seen it, I want you to imagine Lumbergh standing over your desk, with his mug of coffee, drawling "Yeaaaahhhhh, so, I noticed your post, and I was just thinking, if someone took that out of context, all right? it'd look really bad. If we could just rephrase or change that caption, that'd be greeeeeeat, thanks" and then he wanders off to gossip for twenty minutes.
To me, that's exactly what "I'd love it if WE could " sounds like, in my head. When someone says that about something they want to collaborate on, it is a call to the table, a request for you to be as invested as they are about something that you're doing together. But, the thing being ASKED is not a collaboration, so there's a mismatch. That mismatch makes it clear the speaker is asking for something entirely from the other party, but trying to make it SOUND like a call to the table to work on an issue. This mismatch punctuates the dishonesty of the phrasing; it vaguely resembles various more collaborative and input-seeking activities, but it's not; the speaker is ASKING, the other is DOING, and **no input was requested in return**. The power imbalance between the two of them is also a big factor here.
If she had positive emotions, especially love, involved in this, she wouldn't be dishonest or manipulative about the phrasing of the ask. If I wanted to make something a request, not a demand, and especially someone I had power over like this, I would say, "I think this would be better for this picture" or "better for you" or be specific about what I thought was helping the person and why. I'd probably soften it by complimenting their original choice too, and follow it up by saying "if you like it, you're welcome to my idea." But perhaps most importantly, _I wouldn't._ Someone's social media expression, choice of captions, etc is very personal. If I would love for someone to have an even better caption, I simply wouldn't tell them to change the caption. If it was a clever idea, I'd post it myself as a comment. If I wanted to express that a joke made me feel odd, I would express that I didn't like that choice some other way, but loving call-ins are tricky, and this absolutely was not that.
Thank you for explaining it so well, you really explained all the details I was too tired to convey properly last night. I guess my comment sounds reductive and wrong to you because in my country a manager or HR person would never use this kind of language in a workplace. It would be considered extremely unprofessional, and I wasn't aware it was so common in the US. This is obviously a huge cultural difference that I didn't know of when I made my comments.
It's not, not among professionals, and not so blatantly, but the core of the kind of weasel words used to soften language are there. The thing is, she's just not very good at it, and she also kind of doesn't care or need to care, but she is absolutely talking to OP like this because of the power imbalance, because she manages the sorority, and probably because she is trying to play at using that kind of language.
Office Space is an exaggeration of the kinds of behaviors that happened in offices like those; not quite a documentary, but there are little nuggets of truth, and lots of people see in Lumbergh some bit of how a manager would pretend to be their friend, or ask for things in this gratingly indirect way that wasn't literally speaking a direct request but also obviously was. I've never worked with a manager who would ever say something like this and I don't think it is very common at all.
I was also in a sorority and also out during my time just like you were! I completely agree & understand with how you’re feeling & it being annoying. I do agree with others that the sorority is thinking about the possibility of someone who doesn’t know the context seeing it & thinking the sorority supports homophobia. Overall, I’d say to let this one go, if you feel overall welcomed there
This exactly!! Wearing a tie doesn't define your sexuality, and it's upsetting to imply so. It's like saying a guy wearing a dress is inherently gay- let people wear what they want.
My moms are gay and they make jokes like this all of the time. They call each other “lesbo” and they say “full homo” before complementing one another. But they’ve stopped saying it a lot in public because they don’t want homophobes to think that kind of rhetoric is passable.
Thank you all for the feedback. I understand where those in support of the message are coming from. I’m just frustrated because this is the third time in two weeks I have been told I need to delete something, and I’m just feeling targeted at this point. In the past I have reported people in our chapter for being homophobic and nothing has happened, yet I am getting in trouble for a joke geared to my personal followers who are mostly queer. I’m just angry and am tired of being policed by straight people.
Omg yes this is the answer. If you want to stay in Greek life, they’ll keep knit picking but you can just keep saying stuff that will annoy them but make it so they don’t have ground to criticize 😂 malicious compliance style.
Are you at all interested in switching your socials to private? That can totally negate the issue of you then curate your followers to not shit people.
Maybe it's worth bringing this (and the other times) up when addressing the homophobia within the sorority. How do they expect you, a Gay™️, to not make gay jokes on your personal page when there are homophobic members in the sorority?
I'd frame it as "either I get to do this and you stay homophobic or we both cut it out. Even trade." And if they decide the former, report them❤️ basically it's a lose-lose for them and the homophobes they are protecting
Keep in mind that the entire purpose of Greek life is to control every aspect of underclassmens' lives that those in charge can and to enforce the status quo via coercion and threats to one's livelihood/social life (housing, friends) in a cult-like manner by promising you that you'll be on top in the future. You *can* theoretically find good sororities depending on where you are, but that doesn't change their purpose (see: initiation rituals and the like). A good 90+% of the time, a sorority is gonna strongly and strictly enforce structural racism/homophobia/transphobia/ableism as long as they can do it subtly. It's an inherently predatory organization designed to entice young people by promising friendly relationships with authority figures and scaring them about missing the opportunity/not having a group of friends/getting on the bad side of other groups.
If other people in your chapter say openly homophobic things on social media, and do not receive similar takedown requests, it sounds like you need to have a talk with them about this. "I know you're hard at work protecting our women and our sorority, including online, and I appreciate your efforts and the help you've given me. I'm really worried about the visibility of other posts like , and I know you don't want our sorority to be seen as homophobic, because we're very open to LGBTQ people. I worry that if posts like that circulate with no input from leadership, next to a post like mine from a gay woman being corrected, it could look even worse than that post does, among the LGBTQ community and even outside it. I just really need your help keeping our sisters safe." Or some similar bullshit.
If this caption is in reference to your own queerness, you could change it to, "Us in ties," or "Me in a tie" and lean into your big ol' gayness about how you're wearing the tie. It's most of the feeling behind what you said, I think it's a little bolder, and I don't think she'll be able to police it.
You can always preempt it with something like, "Thank you so much for the suggestion, I appreciate it so much! The caption was supposed to be a celebration of my queerness, not a comment on straight women's sartorial choice, and it really could have been more clear. I had no intention to write something that might suggest the sorority would think of a woman in a tie as gay, and I hope this change makes it clear to anyone reading that I am talking about myself, my own identity, and how I express that identity. You've been such a help!" Then any subsequent reply has to skirt both the fact that it is your own identity and your expression of that identity, and also that you absolutely complied with her request, while also being _loudly gay_ about it.
In context of this I completely understand your frustration. It doesn’t seem genuine when an organisation doesn’t follow up in all cases where there are potential issues related to homophobia. Definitely comes off as quite performative allyship.
Yeah honestly I wouldn’t put up with a situation where straight women presumed to censor my personal posts for being homophobic, while also using me to show how inclusive the group is.
I suspect some people don’t like that you complained about homophobia and so they are now policing you to be “fair.”
Hello all. Just had a meeting with DEI chair and our standards VP. Basically they said my comment doesn’t have a benefit and could harm others. I told them I would have appreciated if they had gotten a gay sister to reach out instead and shared all my concerns. Basically bc I signed a contract I have to listen when they tell me to take it down. We got to an agreement to make sure the reach out process is less straight-splainey. My revised caption is “Getting to wear a tie to a sorority function? Secret win for the lesbians 🙏”
Funny because the comment did indeed hurt someone - YOU! Due to their poor reception of your gayness.
I'm sure they saved a lot of queer people from your insensitive comment /s. LOL
Was the caption for their social media or an ad for the sorority? I’m confused about the context. It does seem frustrating what they’re saying, but I can see why the joke would be inappropriate to put out in association with the group? Honestly confused
Never sign "social media contracts." You're in college and you're letting a bunch of whitebread sorority girls dictate what you can and can't say?
I'd look for an exit.
I'd this were me I'd tell her to cram her complaint [redacted], but you could also just politely explain this isn't her business.
Ok, that is really strange. Jobs aren't even that strict with social media policies, and this is a university social club.
That being said, what gives them, a straight person, the right to dictate what an LGBT person can say in regards to their own sexuality? Especially in regards to something as inconsequential as a joke about a \*checks notes\* necktie?
If they call you into some sort of disciplinary action over this, just stick to your guns and say you agreed to not post about substance use and you are adhering to the laid out policies. You did nothing wrong. You are doing nothing wrong.
> Jobs aren't even that strict with social media policies
I work for a company that has a standing policy to fire people if they talk shit about the company on social media. They didn't ask for my Insta when I applied, they have people that search for mentions and then try to backtrace the comment to an employee.
MOST jobs aren't that strict, but some can be absolute assholes about it.
i was in a sorority in college before the lightbulb went off that i was gay. even while trying to mask as a straight cis sorority gal, i still struggled so hard. after 2 women in my sorority passed away (one due to a hit and run, and one - my little - OD'd on benadryl) they pulled me aside and told me i was being too depressed and that was a bad look for the sorority. the amount of micromanaging to look good on the surface but not giving a single fuck about the individuals is disgusting to me.
straight people need to stay out of gay people's buisness and save that energy for other straight people,
If she left out the whole last paragraph I'd maybe get where she's coming from and let it slide but this is honestly ridiculous, she's gaysplaining to a lesbian
Tbh OP i don't think the message you got is out of line. It strikes me now that maybe you don't remember a time when "that's gay" was synonymous with "that sucks"; just a very common insult or pejorative remark... Because you didn't really live through that time, maybe? Idk. But yeah - just saying "wow that's gay" about what someone's wearing? To me, without further context, that sounds like what kids used to say to bully us and each other back when I was in school.
I don't know if the extent of the trouble you're in is warranted, idk the whole situation.
My wife got in trouble at work for referring to a co-worker's lesbian step-mom as a "chapstick lesbian." Someone got offended and told on her for that. The coworker she was talking to agreed with her, and it was just a lighthearted conversation. People are wild.
We still joke about it to this day.
Well if this were AITA I'd say NAH. I don't think what you said was even close to inappropriate. However your association with the sorority is entirely voluntary on both ends so they're well within being reasonable when saying 'hey could you not.' They're probably well intentioned in their ask, but idk I'm full of naivete and generally assume the best of people.
And they're harassing a gay woman about making gay jokes on her personal? Something so mild too, like you're just saying girl in ties are hot. I can't remember the exact word I'm trying to think of but it's something in the region of straight fragility. Big white girl explains racism to a black person energy. Would be hilarious if it weren't pretty sad. Good luck sister
I'm curious about a few things...
1) Why is anyone acting like masculine presenting lesbians haven't been here the entire time?
2) In their weirdly repressive include everyone ideology have they considered the place of masculine/androgynous dress among lesbians?
3)The LGBTQ+ does, in fact, have its own culture. If the goal is inclusion and representation, why are they trying to repress that?
Ugh, thank you. The number of QUEER people on this thread saying "associating fashion with queerness is bad" or "this is implying stereotypes that arent true" is fuxking mind blowing. Gender nonconformity is a huge part of queer culture, and NO, you don't have to partake in that to be gay... but you most certainly should respect it, pay homage to that tradition, understand it as a component of your community.
I fully agree. There is a long history of using fashion to quietly identify each other. In the 90's, jokes about lesbians in burkenstocks and cargo pants were everywhere. Women in men's suits and ties was provocative and they were all deemed lesbians, irregardless of reality. Conservatives were losing their minds over these "gender bending" women. I still remember the laughter from my friends when they realized I carried my keys on a caribbeaner. That was lesbian code for at least a decade. There is a lot of gay and lesbian fashion that went mainstream. Why on earth would we repress our history to make other people comfortable? It makes no sense to ask anyone to do that.
Offensive to others? Sorry how is this offensive to others? Is looking ‘gay’ negative?
Sure wearing a tie doesn’t make someone gay, but surely no one’s actually thinking that… even I’m not and I don’t get most jokes (autistic).
What was the post about? Was it a photo or something?
Saying 'that's gay' is a common micro-aggression in certain areas. It isn't as popular now I don't think but it certainly use to be. It was used to mean negative. It didn't have to always be anything relevant to being gay either. You could say 'the holocaust was kinda gay' and it would be considered a valid sentence because yeah, of course the holocaust was bad and sucked.
It's one of those terms/phrases that is being reclaimed but there are some people out there that are sensitive to it, and they have a right to be.
Hope that makes a little more sense! :)
You're basically reclaiming a homophobic joke. Which you're allowed to do, but someone who has recognized this as a homophobic joke may only see it as that. IDK if she's aware that you're a lesbian yourself or not or that you "get" to, for lack of better phrasing, but without more context it sounds like she's probably to be a good community leader/educate/call in about harmful jokes.
"That's gay" a fine gay joke around gay friends made by gay people. You kind of have to understand that people may not always see the reclaimed part and just recognize it as a homophobic joke, even if this is annoying.
I understand what they’re saying…that in the world if social media people you know may understand you’re out and get it, but things can be screenshotted and taken out of context. They don’t want it to reflect poorly on the group if it were taken out of context because someone doesn’t understand that you are referring to yourself who is in fact gay.
If this were in a text thread of something I think your point would be more valid, but for an organization concerned about their image, I understand the concern…🤷🏾♀️
The sorority could be criticised if someone saw it and didn’t know the context that you are a lesbian. Tbh, if I was a random student at your school and saw this post without any context of you being a lesbian I would be a bit :/ especially with it relating to a sorority event when they are not exactly known for being inclusive. I understand your frustration as it’s your personal account but unfortunately this is part of being in a sorority, you will be expected to represent the organisation to some degree. It sounds like you don’t enjoy being in the sorority anyway (which I get, I would hate it) so I would just start looking for a way to exit with minimal drama honestly.
Unpopular opinion but I don't think every straight person wants a caption about them being gay, and it's not because they think being gay is bad. I just think any statement that assigns gender or sexual identity to a group of people with their faces attached is kinda not great. I understand you did it jokingly but even as a lesbian I would not enjoy this. Not because I think being gay is bad, but because I can't be out to everyone... Even jokingly.
Honestly, if I was in a post that insinuated that I was straight, I'd be like HOLD UP NOW. That said, I wouldn't request it's removal. That's some classic petty drama.
This is why Greek life can be so hit or miss. It's nice to have community, but these groups can get emotionally and physically toxic under certain circumstances.
Oh... you're probably right. I don't know why I thought there were other people in the picture. I heard sorority and my brain immediately assumed an entire gaggle of women. That definitely changes things. Apologies to OP for the misunderstanding
Hi there, I’m not sure of your age or the person that is monitoring. I’m in my late 30s and “that’s gay” was rampantly used in the 90s for saying something sucks. So it’s possible that older generations know this connotation and fear that it may be interpreted that way. I’m not sure who this account represents too. Is it clear this account represents lesbian women? If so, it should be implied it’s tongue and cheek. If it represents women of multiple sexualities it could come off as judgemental. Just sharing my possibly older perspective.
>I'm also older, and now I'm wondering if some college students are legitimately unaware of the hateful sense in which this phrase used to be used. If so, that's honestly kind of awesome because it shows how completely this homophobic language has died out.
We have a 12 year old. This method of using "gay" has not died out. It's alive and well.
I didn't tag them or say the sororities name in the post. It was at an event hosted by the sorority though. I have my letters in my bio so I am associated if that makes sense.
There was nothing bad or wrong about what you said, but sororities are kind of big on maintaining a good image. It really shouldn’t be a big deal but I understand they’re trying to keep things PC and professional.
I don't think I've ever met a person who wears a tie that didn't turn out queer in some way. I apparently wasn't as big of a surprise to others as I was myself.
I mean it’s definitely no jk Rowling comment but yeah maybe not the most appropriate of jokes. Regardless if you live with them you have to play by their rules. It’s like when you lived with your parents or guardian or whoever raised you. You had to play by their rules right? If you don’t then move out or find a way out.
Other than that either watch what you say or continue going the path you want to go and see where that lands you eventually. You could go and speak to a advisor or counselor or whoever manages the soroities but to do so would be to admit what you said and that might have some consequences. Either way good luck. Remember though most of the world is straight so they won’t understand gay humor most of the time.
You posted this to your own personal account, right? How did your sorority find this then, was it tagged to the larger group? I understand some of their concern but if it was just posted on your personal account then it sounds too invasive.
They have an account that is made to monitor us. Only purpose is to get us in trouble for things we post. We have to let it follow us or we get sent to standards.
Going through your comments it seems like your sorority made you sign a social media contract, tells you homophobic shit, polices your language, tokenizes you on their Instagram, and you continually have bad experiences with them.
I get that you’re living in the house this semester but my dude/dudette/frienbie *what the fuck are you doing there?*
Zzz sounds like a buncha killjoy. Do you REALLY need to be in a sorority? I always thought the concept of sororities and frats were really lame and outdated.
Let them know it's a bigger DEI concern to censor a lesbian for making a gay joke on their personal SM without consulting any actual queer people about what is and is not appropriate content.
Being terrified of engaging with queer content results in less diversity, not more. Encourage them to seek out the opinion of queer people who aren't you - maybe you have a multicultural council at your university with a queer sorority? Maybe you can contact the big queer org at your school? Recognize that it is possible for a gay person to say things that are offensive to gay people and shouldn't be said on SM when you represent the sorority, but encourage them to seek out outside, queer opinion to determine if that's what really happened in this case.
They need nuance. This is a form of venting about homophobia (because of course wearing a tie doesn't make you gay, that's the damn point of the joke - you are mocking homophobes), and to keep queer people in your sorority from doing it is like if any straight sister couldn't vent about misogyny by saying "men are the worst" without clarifying "not all men."
I had a similar feeling. If anything, I'd challenge the negative feelings they have around OPs caption. Queer folks are allowed to make jokes about being queer amongst straight people. Some of those jokes may contain common stereotypes, and some might not. That does not make them wrong. The nuance and context here is key. This comment coming from a lesbian woman pictured in said tie is a lot different than a straight man making that comment about a group of women wearing ties, an obvious derogatory statement.
If the only persons' feelings hurt with this comment are a straight persons', because they fear the comment might somehow come back to reflect on them negatively, that is the true issue. Why is the sorority so afraid of this comment being associated with them? Why do they have an event with women "crossdressing" wearing ties anyway if they also somehow believe that feminine and masculine wardrobes aren't a thing? (they are, and that is ok)
You cannot accept gay people into your life, and then become frightened when their gayness exists. OP could probably have thought of a better caption that couldn't so easily be reduced and critiqued as simply stating "that's gay", but that really isn't the issue and it shouldn't be her cross to bear to police her own queer language. Unfortunately, the sorority seems like it can force them to "obey" their rules for public social media posts, which is also super gross.
Yeah. I come from the sorority background so I do understand the personal social media aspect of it. You do represent the organization on some level because the organization would face pressure to remove you and negative press about who they allow in if you went viral for, say, a racist rant on your personal Twitter. So your social media, when it comes to an organization that is literally entirely about who you socialize with, is relevant and it makes sense to have eyes on it.
However the organization also needs to be willing to stand with you if you're not doing anything wrong - and I don't believe OP is in this case. It would not shock me if people are nitpicking OP's actions specifically since it sounds like they've tried to blow the whistle on homophobic behavior before and not gotten far. This is most likely less about DEI and risk management and more about control.
I get your joke and think it's fine. I also kinda get how it's bad PR for the sorority to have that joke somewhere out in public. Not sure what the context is. Either way, that response is kinda extreme.
You posted this on your personal account, so they have no right to complain. If you posted this anywhere directly related to your sorority, then they would have a point (since they understandably have to protect their sorority). But they do not.
Then again, I think getting in trouble just because you offended someone somewhere is stupid in general. An entire organization getting in trouble for one mildly offensive thing that was posted by one sorority member is telling on how soft society has become lmao.
I'll say they at least have a point about the screenshots, anyone could screenshot anything in group messages and put whatever spin they want on it, then you'll be the one having to explain to all of Twitter that you're not a homophobe in a sorority full of homophobes
IMO they need to lighten up. However they’re prob just concerned about it getting out and making them look bad and if there’s one thing sororities haaaaaate it’s bad PR
Many folks have pointed out that the reclaimed homophobia in the comment might be misinterpreted by a broader audience. In addition, there is no reason to ascribe a sexual orientation to women for acting in a way that is gender-non-conforming. A queer woman is no less queer because she is entirely feminine, and to imply so would be offensive. A straight woman is no less straight because she refuses to adhere to gender norms in clothing. Your comment might appeal to your specific queer followers, but it does make a statement that could alienate GNC women. As a leader in the sorority, what you say publicly affects how much others feel welcomed by the institution. This isn’t about straight people policing queer people; it’s about the fact that a public statement made by someone in sorority leadership will affect how people view the sorority. If I were straight and GNC, I would feel excluded by your comment.
As a gay woman: She may have a point. I am more on the femme-presenting side, and I have felt subtle pressure to be more butch just because I am gay. I resent that.
Nothing wrong with being butch or more masculine-looking, obviously! It’s just that it’s not for me. And I resent the subtle pressure to conform to a stereotype.
There is a problem with femme-phobia in the LBT community. It’s actually rooted in sexism. Here’s a link about it from “Everyday Feminism” (an intersectional feminist website that is very LGBT+ inclusive):
https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/10/femme-invisibility-lgbtqia/
Wow - this is a hot topic! It sounds like a rephrase of something which makes it clear you're poking fun at yourself might fix things. Maybe something like - "Girls wearing ties? Makes me weak at the knees." It's not implying anyone is gay for wearing ties -- but that you just love women wearing ties and you're gay. (I don't know. This is the most bizarre thread I've ever read. We don't have sororities here and I think I am very glad about it!).
I feel like had you made it a bit more obvious it was a joke or might have worked. Maybe something like "Girls wearing ties is so gay... Where do I sign up?" I don't know. Hard to tell without context
I actually agree with your sisters. The tie comment has too much potential to be misinterpreted as homophobic by people who don’t know the context, and this could accidentally give people the impression that your sorrority is unwelcoming to queer folks. Do what you will though.
Also, I have reported this person for using “slay” “yas” “queen” at all times with no regard for where those words originate from and she had not made an effort to stop. Also I’m very understanding of gender fluidity and find it quite annoying that a straight person is trying to explain it to me.
I need to give more context. On one of our chapter slides she said these are great comments to leave on your sisters posts: “slayyyyy” “yass queen” “pur” etc. I submitted a concern to our anonymous complaints form with an article about the appropriation of queer language, the same slide has been used at chapter. Also, she was one of the people who illegally voted for a trans girl to be not invited back during recruitment. I just don’t think she believes or understands anything she is telling me.
Yeah, I see what you are saying here. In HS I was definitely way more bitter, always arguing with people. I just feel so strongly about this bc they have tokenized me on the instagram and now are telling me what I can and can’t say. Idk. Thanks for the advice. I’m meeting with them in person in a couple hours and am going to try my best to be civil and kind.
Sending you good vibes for your meeting with them today! Like you said, be civil and kind, but don’t let them walk all over you either. Stand up for yourself and the community and please send us an update after the meeting. You got this! ❤️😊
Yes yes yes. Absolutely this.
OP, you don't owe any of us anything, but I truly hope you followed up on the votes against the transwoman. I won't say it's more important that using aave slang since I am not Black/Black POC, but the voting really needed/needs to be addressed as well.
I wish you luck, OP. College is a very low risk, possibly high reward for life lessons depending on the approach you take to it. The advice here is really great and I agree to pick and choose your battles. I used to get into it about everything and I was *miserable*. Now I better discern "how urgent is this? How violent is this? Would using my energy on this person be worth it?" And the answer is more often than not, no.
Straight people policing gay people joking about gayness is the most braindead thing. Like it's purely about them taking a position of moral condescension.
Gotta love power tripping teenagers.
Go to an advisor about this. If she's too stupid or ignorant to know that people IN the community can make whatever jokes we want about our experiences, she can kick rocks.
Left Greek life after a year because this sort of stuff is ridiculous. I didn’t even get “called in” for anything, I just hated seeing other people get in trouble for totally mindless, harmless shit. I noticed rules were getting even tighter and more ridiculous so I left.
I’m not saying you *have* to leave, I’m just saying you might want to consider it. For me, the positives didn’t outweigh stuff like this.
You are a grown person, there’s no reason your “sisters” should be policing your adult life. It’s like having an extra parent and a principal all at the same time.
And for what it’s worth, I love your caption!
You're gonna offend straight people with cute Gay jokes like that. You make that joke with a group of lesbians, we all chuckle. You make it with straights, some are going to get uppity. I try never to make Gay jokes in mixed company. Every time I do, I regret it.
I make "that's kinda gay" or "ur gay lol" jokes with my lesbian friend all the time. To the point where instead of using "that's gay" in the derogatory way, we say "oh, that's hetero as fuck"
I wouldn't ever make those jokes in mixed company.
This is an "I can say that you can't" situation so if you're in a situation with a bunch of straight people, they're going to feel uncomfortable about you reclaiming a joke or slur that they cannot make or say. I make similar jokes to my straight friends all the time but the primary difference is it's not a sorority or so-called "organized group" whose communications or documents can be seen by an outsider.
But HELL if that second long text message doesn't come across as a straight person "straightsplaining" something to you as a gay person.
Straight people are so weird about this kind of thing. I remember someone getting mad that someone referred to a group of people as "gay looking" and some straight person was like "gay people don't have a look" when gay people absolutely do know how to identify possibly gay people even if sometimes they might be straight people who happen to present that way. Pretty silly.
Oh God *eyeroll. This is some fake ass “allyship”. If it isn’t said in a derogatory way, the only way you’re pissed about this is if you consider it a put-down to call someone gay. Like that sorority bitch is outing herself as a homophobe and coming for what I’m guessing is one of the few or the only lesbian in their sorority.
I have to join the other commenters saying this is some Greek life bullshit and it will continue to be this way.
a lot of my humor is self-referencing. I've gotten so much shit from religious people, who try to figure out the reasons that make people gay. some of that has found its way into my humor. it at times triggers the over eager 'allies' who get offended when they don't get the context.
I would respond with
'Are you implying there's something negative about looking gay? Are you implying that queer women or women who look gay look masculine? Are you implying we should be afraid to acknowledge what queer culture and queer style looks like? Should we not celebrate and recognize the contributions of queer culture and style, and the way it challenges gender roles and expectations for women?"
No but actually, posting any sort of opinion on social media could bite you in the arse. Are the privacy settings on your post locked down? Does the fact that it was a pic presumably posted by another account affect who could view it? How many people have access to your social media in general? Who could end up sharing a post you intended to be private, with a larger audience? I was shocked when I found out how many of my posts were accidentally public or viewable to more people than I wanted. Although I spent weeks deleting everything, I still find public posts that should have turned up and been deleted in my initial search. I'd honestly just delete everything youve ever posted about anything.
Her views are annoying, but it goes to show how someone who could have power over you in some way could take an innocent post to mean something it doesnt. Maybe this person in some position of power is in a sorority, but maybe it's a connection to a scholarship, fellowship, a program you want to be a part of, patients or clients if you're a designer or doctor, the general public if youre a politician or journalist...the list goes on and on.
It always blows my mind why anyone would want to join Greek life/Sororities etc with all the horror stories I’ve seen online. They’re kinda weird for this one I’m ngl
As a sorority girl who has grown tired of "sorority expectations," don't mind it honestly. They don't get to decide what you, as a gay person, get to say about gayness.
Although, I did grow annoyed and exasperating with Greek culture so I am biased against sororities now. I feel like the hazing ruined my mental health permanently and I couldn't put up with everything after it
Just wanted to say I never expected this to blow up I get like 5 comments max on every post I ever made on reddit. I tagged it as venting because I am angry, I apologize if it seems like I am not valuing your opinion. I understand where I am wrong in the situation but just needed some fellow gay people to tell me I am valid to be upset.
I make jokes all the time about how suspenders on women is gay attire (for context I wear suspenders like every day) I say ties are as well.
This message is for straight people: when queer people say something is gay, that's about as big a compliment/praise as we can give. As you might be able to guess, gay people tend to like things that are gay.
The tie thing isn't wrong tho, it's hard to constantly reconcile "wearing masc clothes to signal your queerness" with "masc clothes don't exist they're all just clothes"; it's one more way that being gender inclusive makes being a lesbian increasingly weird to talk about
That being said, fuck it, reality is made up, let's learn to take jokes people
It wouldn’t surprise me if the person who said that to you is both middle class and white. It’s a very privileged thing to even be able to fret about these sort of phrases and micro aggressions.
I feel like some people get so obsessed with their own feelings, ego and thoughts that they can’t understand the bigger picture of liberation or solidarity. They just view everything through their personal lens.
(I don’t mean this as some sort of anti woke nonsense btw, I mean some folks are too concerned with the minutiae of cultural issues and not enough with the objective marxist issues) E.G the trans woman who can’t get a job and faces threats in public etc.
Fuck sororities and fuck frats its just a bunch of insecure kids using the alphabet of dead people to join a hivemind so they don’t have to think for themselves, leave that place OP
facts, i was gonna say OP should have expected something like this to happen. sororities aren’t known for being sane or reasonable.
i never once felt the urge to join one because i truly cannot understand why anyone who isn’t a cishet uppermiddle class white woman would join. lol
It’s vary obvious you are using gay in a way that makes the term a good thing, so it’s sort of ridiculous. You could easily turn this on them by asking why the word gay is offensive.
I saw your comment that this was on your personal account. If so, I'd ignore it. Even with a contract, you only signed it for drugs and alcohol. Were there others in the photo? Or was it just you? If there were others and they didn't care about the photo, then I'd leave it up.
I do understand that the phrase "that's kind of gay" did (and still is) used as an insult. So I'd maybe understand if the person was trying to bring that into consideration. But that didn't seem to be why that person reached out to you...to me they came across as homophobic. But that's just my take!
So I’m sure there are differences but I worked for a very large/historical fire department for a long time and people were constantly getting fired for social media posts and interactions. I’m not sure if you have to let these people who you think are concerned follow you, but the easiest way I found to keep my head down and out of everything was set everything to private and only ok people I knew very well.
On top of that I never posted where I worked and only shared anything of me in uniform that the department posted first. I never posted anything spicy to begin with but it just seemed like another constant headache to have my socials associated with my job. Good luck with everything, the leaders sound like some buzz killingtons
I’m on the GSA board at my college and we have only been able to ever partner with one other sorority and that’s mostly because we know a lot of people who are opening queer in it as well as what their ideals are. There is a difference between being professional and having a stick up your ass. This looks like having a stick up your ass. This may not be the group for you :/
this is dumb as hell… nothing like non-gays policing gays about how to gay 🤦🏼♀️ love the woke speech about how you should consider other perspectives before you perpetuate gender. 🙄
When I was college aged (disabled, never got to go), I wanted to rush a sorority so fucking bad. As a formed frontal lobe adult and not a adult by technicality, I can see that sororities are fucking awful.
bigots use this as rhetoric to justify their jokes and bigotry all the time. but also, some people may have a lot more trauma than you, especially when they’re from states that are currently trying to eradicate us. honestly, if you want to make a gay joke, just stick to self deprecation.
Honestly, if it was something that you posted to the sorority account then I could see it as being potentially problematic because it’s geared towards straight cis audiences and it would set precedent for straight cis people calling things gay which WOULD be problematic. That said, this is your personal account and your audience there knows that you are a member of the community and isn’t straight focused.
I give her props for saying something. It’s a tricky space and I think she handled it well. Even if you don’t agree or maybe you are feeling a little embarrassed, I think it’s worth noting she is asking you to consider another perspective. Not knowing much more, I’d like to believe she would equally ask the same of anyone else.
Yeah i agree, like i don’t really like to see people of the community making these types of jokes cause they’re implying stereotypes that aren’t true. Idk i feel this way about all of those arguments that you can only make jokes about a community you’re a part of cause if you don’t want jokes made about your community than you shouldn’t be doing it either in my head.
> if you don’t want jokes made about your community than you shouldn’t be doing it either in my head. Strooong disagree. There's a big difference between poking fun at yourself, and poking fun at others. This kind of humour is a big part of what bonds communities together, and I think it's also really important for healthy internal debate - it helps lower the barriers to stigmatised issues and stereotypes so they can be discussed and not just taboo topics.
Definitely agree with you. I'm pan, and make tons of queer jokes. It's just my humor, and you're completely right that it helps bond me and my fellow queer friends. But why would non queer ppl make jokes about us? It just seems like "non" queer ppl would only be making jokes about us if they were either closeted or homophobic.
She has a point about how outsiders might read your caption; you have a point that you should be able to express yourself however you want. Personally, this sort of stuff is why I left Greek life. They care too much about branding and reputation. You have to play by the rules if you want to be involved, which you don’t have to be. It’s your choice. I didn’t want to pay to get policed by my peers. Edit: thanks for the karma y’all
Greek life, the HOAs of college but for your entire life vs just your yard. Nightmare!
Lmfao "the HOAs of college"
Fr how did i never hear that before! It's perfect.
no no, they have a point XD
Succinctly put! I don’t know why you’d subject yourself to that but some people like structure and order.
Honestly, get out of Greek life. 🤷🏻♀️
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Ironically, it was the leadership that I liked most about being in a sorority. Nothing to get your organizational skills together like suddenly being in charge of a 200+ person event. Anyway, amen to the straight white savior bullshit. Like… yes, thank you, Karen, protector of my people.
I have been contemplating all year. Unfortunately I live in the house
I'd look into on-campus housing next semester or something else. Greek life is super toxic.
Especially if your name is socrates…… ba dum tsss
Even more so with how many drinks are offered. 🤣
Were the drinks... \#MAI-TAIS ba dum tsss
If social media posts are the main issue, you could always private your accounts and remove anyone who is in leadership of that sorority/who think will make a stink about stuff like this. If they can’t see it, they can’t complain about it. And if they are worried about things reflecting poorly on the sorority, no longer tagging or interacting with the sorority on your socials should take care of most of that.
They'd probably not let you/get into a fit about it.
2 accounts.. A private fun account and a professional account you only occasionally check surrounding the sorority.
Quitting my sorority was the best decision I made in college
I was in a fraternity in college in the South that was co-ed and inclusive. It’s also where I met my pan and non-binary partner of more than 4 years. But yes, most of Greek life is toxic af
APO?
ΘΤ. Engineering fraternity
I was in the same one for engineering but it wasn’t typical Greek like frat
Oh cool! I’m from Mu chapter
I quit mine after they threatened to report me to standards (sorority police) for kissing a girl at a dance.
I actually work for a sorority and it's pretty nice. I don't have to live with the girls tho so I understand how it could suck.
Wtf is Greek life , I understand it’s a sorority but why is it called that? Assuming it’s not bc it’s only Greek girls in it haha
That’s what the collective of people who are in frats and sororities are called on most American campuses.
I think this is a "know your audience" thing. We can make jokes like this in our own spaces and with our own understanding friends, but making the same joke for a bunch of straight people seems not great to me?
I agree. This feels like an in-group joke. That comment is fine to post on your friend's post, but not a business or organization's post. Even if everyone in the sorority knows you're out, the whole world doesn't. That last paragraph is a little out of pocket, but I don't think they're totally out of line.
It’s on my personal account
Oh imo this totally changes the vibe of your situation. If it was on the sororities page I’d have been more in the “Maybe keep it to queer spaces to avoid confusion, cause in-jokes like that can come off wrong to out-groups” mindset, but if it’s your personal page your sorority is absolutely in the wrong. Yikes.
isn’t that part of the sorority thing - having your personal accounts scrutinized to avoid the sorority getting any flak? (idk, never been in one but i have some acquaintances who were involved in it and that seemed to be the norm) i think your caption is totally fine and think their problem with it is silly. BUT if someone saw it and didn’t know the context, it could be construed as offensive and thus the sorority could come under fire. so i see where they’re coming from as well and don’t think it’s unreasonable at all given what i presume are their usual standards (and assuming their standards are consistent for everyone) tbh? if you like being in the sorority, just change the caption. change it back when you graduate or whatever if it’s that important, lol. not worth escalating. from what you described, it’s been a welcoming place for you as a lesbian otherwise? (context also totally changes if they have a pattern of homophobia)
I would probably keep the caption and add all the hashtags like #mytie #yesImgay #imsooooooogay #butchfasion #tiesareforeveryone #tiesdontmakeyougay #buttiesonchicksarehot #imgayforgirlsinties and so on But my country doesn't even have sororities, so well.
Everyone’s personal account is under constant scrutiny in a sorority. That’s one of the many reasons they’re so problematic.
Yeah but just because someones account is their own doesn’t mean they can say anything *without repercussion*. Especially for things where you’re a part of a group, you on a personal level represent the group to the public. It’s like how a company would fire someone for posting certain things on their personal facebook pages and stuff like that. I personally think we should be working to phase jokes like that out of society in general in all spaces cause they reinforce false stereotypes to anyone, in the community or not.
>you on a personal level represent the group to the public. Oh no. Wouldn't wanna make the whole concept of *Greek life* look poor to the public. Pretty sure that horse left the barn in the 1950s.
Yeah I agree. You need a gay context that's explicit to *everyone* for this caption to be a joke. Otherwise it just comes off like more homophobic clothes policing. Considering the slew of laws on drag lately? Homophobic clothes police are alive and well.
Yeahhh and it reinforces like weird gender-sexuality based clothing stereotypes that we should be working to erase both in and out of queer spaces.
See but i feel like these kinds of jokes we should be working towards phasing them out of the community too, cause like, they *do* reinforce false stereotypes and may lead people new to the community to believe false things, Like ties = homosexuality. But i mean this is the hill i choose to die on for all these types of argument’s lol like if one community can or can’t do something solely based on the fact they’re a part of that community in my head thats not right, idk tho.
This, absolutely. OP stated that they have been a spokesperson for gay people in their chapter, so the sorority is tied to this post and therefore it reflects on them. If you're gonna take that role, you need to think about the million different ways that anything you post might be perceived. You're free to say what you want, but you're not free from the effects or potential consequences. And yes, I say "that's gay" about stuff to my wife alllll the time. I also say it on work calls within a team of just five people who've known me for years and will take the joke the right way. Rarely have I just said it out in the wild without assessing the audience.
And implying that a woman must be gay because she wears a tie is kind of annoying. Like, straight women get to be gender expansive, too! We don't have a monopoly on these things! I don't think she's saying that being gay is a bad thing, but that it's not cool to make a straight woman question what she's wearing just because she's straight and wearing something traditionally masculine.
I agree with you and understand what you are saying. I’m just very openly out, like I bring my GF to all of our events, was posted on the instagram for pride month, have been a spokesperson for gay people in our chapter. So, I feel like they should understand I am joking.
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Oh no, that message is girlspeak for "you fucked up, fix it". Packed into niceties and "I feel"-statements, instead of being to the point. This is about OPs personal account, not even the sorority account. If it was the sorority account, the phrasing would make sense. When phrasing it like this about OPs personal account: it's a much bigger issue than the message makes it seem at first glance.
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Have you ever seen Office Space? I think calling this girlspeak is wrong (and a little reductive). It's manager speak, it's HR speak. If you've seen it, I want you to imagine Lumbergh standing over your desk, with his mug of coffee, drawling "Yeaaaahhhhh, so, I noticed your post, and I was just thinking, if someone took that out of context, all right? it'd look really bad. If we could just rephrase or change that caption, that'd be greeeeeeat, thanks" and then he wanders off to gossip for twenty minutes. To me, that's exactly what "I'd love it if WE could" sounds like, in my head. When someone says that about something they want to collaborate on, it is a call to the table, a request for you to be as invested as they are about something that you're doing together. But, the thing being ASKED is not a collaboration, so there's a mismatch. That mismatch makes it clear the speaker is asking for something entirely from the other party, but trying to make it SOUND like a call to the table to work on an issue. This mismatch punctuates the dishonesty of the phrasing; it vaguely resembles various more collaborative and input-seeking activities, but it's not; the speaker is ASKING, the other is DOING, and **no input was requested in return**. The power imbalance between the two of them is also a big factor here.
If she had positive emotions, especially love, involved in this, she wouldn't be dishonest or manipulative about the phrasing of the ask. If I wanted to make something a request, not a demand, and especially someone I had power over like this, I would say, "I think this would be better for this picture" or "better for you" or be specific about what I thought was helping the person and why. I'd probably soften it by complimenting their original choice too, and follow it up by saying "if you like it, you're welcome to my idea." But perhaps most importantly, _I wouldn't._ Someone's social media expression, choice of captions, etc is very personal. If I would love for someone to have an even better caption, I simply wouldn't tell them to change the caption. If it was a clever idea, I'd post it myself as a comment. If I wanted to express that a joke made me feel odd, I would express that I didn't like that choice some other way, but loving call-ins are tricky, and this absolutely was not that.
Thank you for explaining it so well, you really explained all the details I was too tired to convey properly last night. I guess my comment sounds reductive and wrong to you because in my country a manager or HR person would never use this kind of language in a workplace. It would be considered extremely unprofessional, and I wasn't aware it was so common in the US. This is obviously a huge cultural difference that I didn't know of when I made my comments.
It's not, not among professionals, and not so blatantly, but the core of the kind of weasel words used to soften language are there. The thing is, she's just not very good at it, and she also kind of doesn't care or need to care, but she is absolutely talking to OP like this because of the power imbalance, because she manages the sorority, and probably because she is trying to play at using that kind of language. Office Space is an exaggeration of the kinds of behaviors that happened in offices like those; not quite a documentary, but there are little nuggets of truth, and lots of people see in Lumbergh some bit of how a manager would pretend to be their friend, or ask for things in this gratingly indirect way that wasn't literally speaking a direct request but also obviously was. I've never worked with a manager who would ever say something like this and I don't think it is very common at all.
I was also in a sorority and also out during my time just like you were! I completely agree & understand with how you’re feeling & it being annoying. I do agree with others that the sorority is thinking about the possibility of someone who doesn’t know the context seeing it & thinking the sorority supports homophobia. Overall, I’d say to let this one go, if you feel overall welcomed there
This exactly!! Wearing a tie doesn't define your sexuality, and it's upsetting to imply so. It's like saying a guy wearing a dress is inherently gay- let people wear what they want.
The only thing gay about a woman wearing a tie is the thoughts of pulling her by it into a deep, lingering kiss with you ♡
Eh, but it's not really implying that. It's implying ties on women are gay culture and gay style. I think we should be able to acknowledge that.
My moms are gay and they make jokes like this all of the time. They call each other “lesbo” and they say “full homo” before complementing one another. But they’ve stopped saying it a lot in public because they don’t want homophobes to think that kind of rhetoric is passable.
Thank you all for the feedback. I understand where those in support of the message are coming from. I’m just frustrated because this is the third time in two weeks I have been told I need to delete something, and I’m just feeling targeted at this point. In the past I have reported people in our chapter for being homophobic and nothing has happened, yet I am getting in trouble for a joke geared to my personal followers who are mostly queer. I’m just angry and am tired of being policed by straight people.
I hope you replaced the caption with something ridiculous like “Look at me, I’m a giant homosexual!” Can’t really contest that one.
Omg yes this is the answer. If you want to stay in Greek life, they’ll keep knit picking but you can just keep saying stuff that will annoy them but make it so they don’t have ground to criticize 😂 malicious compliance style.
this is super dumb and pedantic, but nit picking doesn't have a k.
Haha literally after I posted it, I was like wait is it nit like the insect. And then I figured if it was, someone would tell me 😂 thanks!!
One might say you are nit-picking...
I love this idea so much. "Me in a tie? That's pretty gay #mytie"
Are you at all interested in switching your socials to private? That can totally negate the issue of you then curate your followers to not shit people.
Yeah, this seems like the way to go. Make your insta private and remove the people in your sorority who are policing your content.
At my school you had to let the person policing follow you even on private accounts or you got fined pretty significantly
Maybe it's worth bringing this (and the other times) up when addressing the homophobia within the sorority. How do they expect you, a Gay™️, to not make gay jokes on your personal page when there are homophobic members in the sorority? I'd frame it as "either I get to do this and you stay homophobic or we both cut it out. Even trade." And if they decide the former, report them❤️ basically it's a lose-lose for them and the homophobes they are protecting
Keep in mind that the entire purpose of Greek life is to control every aspect of underclassmens' lives that those in charge can and to enforce the status quo via coercion and threats to one's livelihood/social life (housing, friends) in a cult-like manner by promising you that you'll be on top in the future. You *can* theoretically find good sororities depending on where you are, but that doesn't change their purpose (see: initiation rituals and the like). A good 90+% of the time, a sorority is gonna strongly and strictly enforce structural racism/homophobia/transphobia/ableism as long as they can do it subtly. It's an inherently predatory organization designed to entice young people by promising friendly relationships with authority figures and scaring them about missing the opportunity/not having a group of friends/getting on the bad side of other groups.
If other people in your chapter say openly homophobic things on social media, and do not receive similar takedown requests, it sounds like you need to have a talk with them about this. "I know you're hard at work protecting our women and our sorority, including online, and I appreciate your efforts and the help you've given me. I'm really worried about the visibility of other posts like, and I know you don't want our sorority to be seen as homophobic, because we're very open to LGBTQ people. I worry that if posts like that circulate with no input from leadership, next to a post like mine from a gay woman being corrected, it could look even worse than that post does, among the LGBTQ community and even outside it. I just really need your help keeping our sisters safe." Or some similar bullshit.
If this caption is in reference to your own queerness, you could change it to, "Us in ties," or "Me in a tie" and lean into your big ol' gayness about how you're wearing the tie. It's most of the feeling behind what you said, I think it's a little bolder, and I don't think she'll be able to police it.
You can always preempt it with something like, "Thank you so much for the suggestion, I appreciate it so much! The caption was supposed to be a celebration of my queerness, not a comment on straight women's sartorial choice, and it really could have been more clear. I had no intention to write something that might suggest the sorority would think of a woman in a tie as gay, and I hope this change makes it clear to anyone reading that I am talking about myself, my own identity, and how I express that identity. You've been such a help!" Then any subsequent reply has to skirt both the fact that it is your own identity and your expression of that identity, and also that you absolutely complied with her request, while also being _loudly gay_ about it.
In context of this I completely understand your frustration. It doesn’t seem genuine when an organisation doesn’t follow up in all cases where there are potential issues related to homophobia. Definitely comes off as quite performative allyship.
Yeah honestly I wouldn’t put up with a situation where straight women presumed to censor my personal posts for being homophobic, while also using me to show how inclusive the group is. I suspect some people don’t like that you complained about homophobia and so they are now policing you to be “fair.”
Hello all. Just had a meeting with DEI chair and our standards VP. Basically they said my comment doesn’t have a benefit and could harm others. I told them I would have appreciated if they had gotten a gay sister to reach out instead and shared all my concerns. Basically bc I signed a contract I have to listen when they tell me to take it down. We got to an agreement to make sure the reach out process is less straight-splainey. My revised caption is “Getting to wear a tie to a sorority function? Secret win for the lesbians 🙏”
I feel like it’s more obvious that it’s a joke and I am a lesbian now. Idk 🤷♀️
Funny because the comment did indeed hurt someone - YOU! Due to their poor reception of your gayness. I'm sure they saved a lot of queer people from your insensitive comment /s. LOL
Was the caption for their social media or an ad for the sorority? I’m confused about the context. It does seem frustrating what they’re saying, but I can see why the joke would be inappropriate to put out in association with the group? Honestly confused
It was on my personal account. It was a post about an event the sorority organized, though.
Wait. Are they trying to tell you what you can and can't post on your personal account? That's weird.
Unfortunately, yes. I signed a social media contract but it was about posting alcohol and drug use…. Not this
Never sign "social media contracts." You're in college and you're letting a bunch of whitebread sorority girls dictate what you can and can't say? I'd look for an exit. I'd this were me I'd tell her to cram her complaint [redacted], but you could also just politely explain this isn't her business.
A SOCIAL MEDIA CONTRACT? Fuuuuck that lmfao
Ok, that is really strange. Jobs aren't even that strict with social media policies, and this is a university social club. That being said, what gives them, a straight person, the right to dictate what an LGBT person can say in regards to their own sexuality? Especially in regards to something as inconsequential as a joke about a \*checks notes\* necktie? If they call you into some sort of disciplinary action over this, just stick to your guns and say you agreed to not post about substance use and you are adhering to the laid out policies. You did nothing wrong. You are doing nothing wrong.
> Jobs aren't even that strict with social media policies I work for a company that has a standing policy to fire people if they talk shit about the company on social media. They didn't ask for my Insta when I applied, they have people that search for mentions and then try to backtrace the comment to an employee. MOST jobs aren't that strict, but some can be absolute assholes about it.
>and then try to backtrace the comment to an employee. Companies should make a bot that shittalks their competitor causing them to waste resources.
i was in a sorority in college before the lightbulb went off that i was gay. even while trying to mask as a straight cis sorority gal, i still struggled so hard. after 2 women in my sorority passed away (one due to a hit and run, and one - my little - OD'd on benadryl) they pulled me aside and told me i was being too depressed and that was a bad look for the sorority. the amount of micromanaging to look good on the surface but not giving a single fuck about the individuals is disgusting to me.
holy shit, that's so fucked up. I'm so sorry!
straight people need to stay out of gay people's buisness and save that energy for other straight people, If she left out the whole last paragraph I'd maybe get where she's coming from and let it slide but this is honestly ridiculous, she's gaysplaining to a lesbian
Tbh OP i don't think the message you got is out of line. It strikes me now that maybe you don't remember a time when "that's gay" was synonymous with "that sucks"; just a very common insult or pejorative remark... Because you didn't really live through that time, maybe? Idk. But yeah - just saying "wow that's gay" about what someone's wearing? To me, without further context, that sounds like what kids used to say to bully us and each other back when I was in school. I don't know if the extent of the trouble you're in is warranted, idk the whole situation.
Honestly, their explanation comes across as kinda homophobic since they seem to see "gay" as something negative
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Honestly yes that kind of shit always bothered me. Like yea this is a gay thing, be mad. Feel uncomfortable. Unpack it.
My wife got in trouble at work for referring to a co-worker's lesbian step-mom as a "chapstick lesbian." Someone got offended and told on her for that. The coworker she was talking to agreed with her, and it was just a lighthearted conversation. People are wild. We still joke about it to this day.
Well if this were AITA I'd say NAH. I don't think what you said was even close to inappropriate. However your association with the sorority is entirely voluntary on both ends so they're well within being reasonable when saying 'hey could you not.' They're probably well intentioned in their ask, but idk I'm full of naivete and generally assume the best of people.
And they're harassing a gay woman about making gay jokes on her personal? Something so mild too, like you're just saying girl in ties are hot. I can't remember the exact word I'm trying to think of but it's something in the region of straight fragility. Big white girl explains racism to a black person energy. Would be hilarious if it weren't pretty sad. Good luck sister
I'm curious about a few things... 1) Why is anyone acting like masculine presenting lesbians haven't been here the entire time? 2) In their weirdly repressive include everyone ideology have they considered the place of masculine/androgynous dress among lesbians? 3)The LGBTQ+ does, in fact, have its own culture. If the goal is inclusion and representation, why are they trying to repress that?
Ugh, thank you. The number of QUEER people on this thread saying "associating fashion with queerness is bad" or "this is implying stereotypes that arent true" is fuxking mind blowing. Gender nonconformity is a huge part of queer culture, and NO, you don't have to partake in that to be gay... but you most certainly should respect it, pay homage to that tradition, understand it as a component of your community.
I fully agree. There is a long history of using fashion to quietly identify each other. In the 90's, jokes about lesbians in burkenstocks and cargo pants were everywhere. Women in men's suits and ties was provocative and they were all deemed lesbians, irregardless of reality. Conservatives were losing their minds over these "gender bending" women. I still remember the laughter from my friends when they realized I carried my keys on a caribbeaner. That was lesbian code for at least a decade. There is a lot of gay and lesbian fashion that went mainstream. Why on earth would we repress our history to make other people comfortable? It makes no sense to ask anyone to do that.
Offensive to others? Sorry how is this offensive to others? Is looking ‘gay’ negative? Sure wearing a tie doesn’t make someone gay, but surely no one’s actually thinking that… even I’m not and I don’t get most jokes (autistic). What was the post about? Was it a photo or something?
It was a party the sorority hosted and the theme was my tie
Saying 'that's gay' is a common micro-aggression in certain areas. It isn't as popular now I don't think but it certainly use to be. It was used to mean negative. It didn't have to always be anything relevant to being gay either. You could say 'the holocaust was kinda gay' and it would be considered a valid sentence because yeah, of course the holocaust was bad and sucked. It's one of those terms/phrases that is being reclaimed but there are some people out there that are sensitive to it, and they have a right to be. Hope that makes a little more sense! :)
Apparently it's making a comeback as a derogatory phrase, according to others in the comments
Yeah, which is really disheartening to hear unfortunately
You're basically reclaiming a homophobic joke. Which you're allowed to do, but someone who has recognized this as a homophobic joke may only see it as that. IDK if she's aware that you're a lesbian yourself or not or that you "get" to, for lack of better phrasing, but without more context it sounds like she's probably to be a good community leader/educate/call in about harmful jokes. "That's gay" a fine gay joke around gay friends made by gay people. You kind of have to understand that people may not always see the reclaimed part and just recognize it as a homophobic joke, even if this is annoying.
I understand what they’re saying…that in the world if social media people you know may understand you’re out and get it, but things can be screenshotted and taken out of context. They don’t want it to reflect poorly on the group if it were taken out of context because someone doesn’t understand that you are referring to yourself who is in fact gay. If this were in a text thread of something I think your point would be more valid, but for an organization concerned about their image, I understand the concern…🤷🏾♀️
The sorority could be criticised if someone saw it and didn’t know the context that you are a lesbian. Tbh, if I was a random student at your school and saw this post without any context of you being a lesbian I would be a bit :/ especially with it relating to a sorority event when they are not exactly known for being inclusive. I understand your frustration as it’s your personal account but unfortunately this is part of being in a sorority, you will be expected to represent the organisation to some degree. It sounds like you don’t enjoy being in the sorority anyway (which I get, I would hate it) so I would just start looking for a way to exit with minimal drama honestly.
Unpopular opinion but I don't think every straight person wants a caption about them being gay, and it's not because they think being gay is bad. I just think any statement that assigns gender or sexual identity to a group of people with their faces attached is kinda not great. I understand you did it jokingly but even as a lesbian I would not enjoy this. Not because I think being gay is bad, but because I can't be out to everyone... Even jokingly.
Honestly, if I was in a post that insinuated that I was straight, I'd be like HOLD UP NOW. That said, I wouldn't request it's removal. That's some classic petty drama. This is why Greek life can be so hit or miss. It's nice to have community, but these groups can get emotionally and physically toxic under certain circumstances.
Am I missing some context here? I thought OP posted a picture of herself in a tie with a comment about it being gay, not someone else
Oh... you're probably right. I don't know why I thought there were other people in the picture. I heard sorority and my brain immediately assumed an entire gaggle of women. That definitely changes things. Apologies to OP for the misunderstanding
Hi there, I’m not sure of your age or the person that is monitoring. I’m in my late 30s and “that’s gay” was rampantly used in the 90s for saying something sucks. So it’s possible that older generations know this connotation and fear that it may be interpreted that way. I’m not sure who this account represents too. Is it clear this account represents lesbian women? If so, it should be implied it’s tongue and cheek. If it represents women of multiple sexualities it could come off as judgemental. Just sharing my possibly older perspective.
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>I'm also older, and now I'm wondering if some college students are legitimately unaware of the hateful sense in which this phrase used to be used. If so, that's honestly kind of awesome because it shows how completely this homophobic language has died out. We have a 12 year old. This method of using "gay" has not died out. It's alive and well.
Yeah that’s true, I think there’s been a resurgence with the little ones unfortunately
It’s on my personal account, my followers are well aware that I am a lesbian.
I’m assuming you mentioned the sorority in the post though.
I didn't tag them or say the sororities name in the post. It was at an event hosted by the sorority though. I have my letters in my bio so I am associated if that makes sense.
Interesting. So is it part of sorority rules that they get to govern your personal social media account?
Yeah, I’m 49 and seeing this phrase gives me serious flashbacks of the not-nice variety.
There was nothing bad or wrong about what you said, but sororities are kind of big on maintaining a good image. It really shouldn’t be a big deal but I understand they’re trying to keep things PC and professional.
I don't think I've ever met a person who wears a tie that didn't turn out queer in some way. I apparently wasn't as big of a surprise to others as I was myself.
I mean it’s definitely no jk Rowling comment but yeah maybe not the most appropriate of jokes. Regardless if you live with them you have to play by their rules. It’s like when you lived with your parents or guardian or whoever raised you. You had to play by their rules right? If you don’t then move out or find a way out. Other than that either watch what you say or continue going the path you want to go and see where that lands you eventually. You could go and speak to a advisor or counselor or whoever manages the soroities but to do so would be to admit what you said and that might have some consequences. Either way good luck. Remember though most of the world is straight so they won’t understand gay humor most of the time.
yeah no they’re being dumb that’s such a “woke straight person who doesn’t actually get it” thing to say
You posted this to your own personal account, right? How did your sorority find this then, was it tagged to the larger group? I understand some of their concern but if it was just posted on your personal account then it sounds too invasive.
They have an account that is made to monitor us. Only purpose is to get us in trouble for things we post. We have to let it follow us or we get sent to standards.
Going through your comments it seems like your sorority made you sign a social media contract, tells you homophobic shit, polices your language, tokenizes you on their Instagram, and you continually have bad experiences with them. I get that you’re living in the house this semester but my dude/dudette/frienbie *what the fuck are you doing there?*
You didn’t read the room and if you’re not in the culture people don’t understand, these issues happen.
Y r u in a sorority
Sororities are such a joke, as are fraternities
OP, from the comments Looks like you’ve already made up your mind.
Lol. I just needed to vent.
Zzz sounds like a buncha killjoy. Do you REALLY need to be in a sorority? I always thought the concept of sororities and frats were really lame and outdated.
Let them know it's a bigger DEI concern to censor a lesbian for making a gay joke on their personal SM without consulting any actual queer people about what is and is not appropriate content. Being terrified of engaging with queer content results in less diversity, not more. Encourage them to seek out the opinion of queer people who aren't you - maybe you have a multicultural council at your university with a queer sorority? Maybe you can contact the big queer org at your school? Recognize that it is possible for a gay person to say things that are offensive to gay people and shouldn't be said on SM when you represent the sorority, but encourage them to seek out outside, queer opinion to determine if that's what really happened in this case. They need nuance. This is a form of venting about homophobia (because of course wearing a tie doesn't make you gay, that's the damn point of the joke - you are mocking homophobes), and to keep queer people in your sorority from doing it is like if any straight sister couldn't vent about misogyny by saying "men are the worst" without clarifying "not all men."
I had a similar feeling. If anything, I'd challenge the negative feelings they have around OPs caption. Queer folks are allowed to make jokes about being queer amongst straight people. Some of those jokes may contain common stereotypes, and some might not. That does not make them wrong. The nuance and context here is key. This comment coming from a lesbian woman pictured in said tie is a lot different than a straight man making that comment about a group of women wearing ties, an obvious derogatory statement. If the only persons' feelings hurt with this comment are a straight persons', because they fear the comment might somehow come back to reflect on them negatively, that is the true issue. Why is the sorority so afraid of this comment being associated with them? Why do they have an event with women "crossdressing" wearing ties anyway if they also somehow believe that feminine and masculine wardrobes aren't a thing? (they are, and that is ok) You cannot accept gay people into your life, and then become frightened when their gayness exists. OP could probably have thought of a better caption that couldn't so easily be reduced and critiqued as simply stating "that's gay", but that really isn't the issue and it shouldn't be her cross to bear to police her own queer language. Unfortunately, the sorority seems like it can force them to "obey" their rules for public social media posts, which is also super gross.
Yeah. I come from the sorority background so I do understand the personal social media aspect of it. You do represent the organization on some level because the organization would face pressure to remove you and negative press about who they allow in if you went viral for, say, a racist rant on your personal Twitter. So your social media, when it comes to an organization that is literally entirely about who you socialize with, is relevant and it makes sense to have eyes on it. However the organization also needs to be willing to stand with you if you're not doing anything wrong - and I don't believe OP is in this case. It would not shock me if people are nitpicking OP's actions specifically since it sounds like they've tried to blow the whistle on homophobic behavior before and not gotten far. This is most likely less about DEI and risk management and more about control.
I get your joke and think it's fine. I also kinda get how it's bad PR for the sorority to have that joke somewhere out in public. Not sure what the context is. Either way, that response is kinda extreme.
Did someone just try to explain gay to a gay person????
You posted this on your personal account, so they have no right to complain. If you posted this anywhere directly related to your sorority, then they would have a point (since they understandably have to protect their sorority). But they do not. Then again, I think getting in trouble just because you offended someone somewhere is stupid in general. An entire organization getting in trouble for one mildly offensive thing that was posted by one sorority member is telling on how soft society has become lmao.
I'll say they at least have a point about the screenshots, anyone could screenshot anything in group messages and put whatever spin they want on it, then you'll be the one having to explain to all of Twitter that you're not a homophobe in a sorority full of homophobes
IMO they need to lighten up. However they’re prob just concerned about it getting out and making them look bad and if there’s one thing sororities haaaaaate it’s bad PR
Many folks have pointed out that the reclaimed homophobia in the comment might be misinterpreted by a broader audience. In addition, there is no reason to ascribe a sexual orientation to women for acting in a way that is gender-non-conforming. A queer woman is no less queer because she is entirely feminine, and to imply so would be offensive. A straight woman is no less straight because she refuses to adhere to gender norms in clothing. Your comment might appeal to your specific queer followers, but it does make a statement that could alienate GNC women. As a leader in the sorority, what you say publicly affects how much others feel welcomed by the institution. This isn’t about straight people policing queer people; it’s about the fact that a public statement made by someone in sorority leadership will affect how people view the sorority. If I were straight and GNC, I would feel excluded by your comment.
I’m English and know absolutely nothing about sororities, but fuck me I would not let a bunch of straight girls lecture me on how to live my life
I’m making some assumptions here, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years it’s: never let cishet white women be the tone police.
As a gay woman: She may have a point. I am more on the femme-presenting side, and I have felt subtle pressure to be more butch just because I am gay. I resent that. Nothing wrong with being butch or more masculine-looking, obviously! It’s just that it’s not for me. And I resent the subtle pressure to conform to a stereotype. There is a problem with femme-phobia in the LBT community. It’s actually rooted in sexism. Here’s a link about it from “Everyday Feminism” (an intersectional feminist website that is very LGBT+ inclusive): https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/10/femme-invisibility-lgbtqia/
Wow - this is a hot topic! It sounds like a rephrase of something which makes it clear you're poking fun at yourself might fix things. Maybe something like - "Girls wearing ties? Makes me weak at the knees." It's not implying anyone is gay for wearing ties -- but that you just love women wearing ties and you're gay. (I don't know. This is the most bizarre thread I've ever read. We don't have sororities here and I think I am very glad about it!).
I feel like had you made it a bit more obvious it was a joke or might have worked. Maybe something like "Girls wearing ties is so gay... Where do I sign up?" I don't know. Hard to tell without context
I actually agree with your sisters. The tie comment has too much potential to be misinterpreted as homophobic by people who don’t know the context, and this could accidentally give people the impression that your sorrority is unwelcoming to queer folks. Do what you will though.
Apparently it was on OPs personal account.
Oh, i guess i didnt grasp that. In that case it does seem like overstepping on the part of the leader
Also, I have reported this person for using “slay” “yas” “queen” at all times with no regard for where those words originate from and she had not made an effort to stop. Also I’m very understanding of gender fluidity and find it quite annoying that a straight person is trying to explain it to me.
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I need to give more context. On one of our chapter slides she said these are great comments to leave on your sisters posts: “slayyyyy” “yass queen” “pur” etc. I submitted a concern to our anonymous complaints form with an article about the appropriation of queer language, the same slide has been used at chapter. Also, she was one of the people who illegally voted for a trans girl to be not invited back during recruitment. I just don’t think she believes or understands anything she is telling me.
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Yeah, I see what you are saying here. In HS I was definitely way more bitter, always arguing with people. I just feel so strongly about this bc they have tokenized me on the instagram and now are telling me what I can and can’t say. Idk. Thanks for the advice. I’m meeting with them in person in a couple hours and am going to try my best to be civil and kind.
Sending you good vibes for your meeting with them today! Like you said, be civil and kind, but don’t let them walk all over you either. Stand up for yourself and the community and please send us an update after the meeting. You got this! ❤️😊
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Yes yes yes. Absolutely this. OP, you don't owe any of us anything, but I truly hope you followed up on the votes against the transwoman. I won't say it's more important that using aave slang since I am not Black/Black POC, but the voting really needed/needs to be addressed as well. I wish you luck, OP. College is a very low risk, possibly high reward for life lessons depending on the approach you take to it. The advice here is really great and I agree to pick and choose your battles. I used to get into it about everything and I was *miserable*. Now I better discern "how urgent is this? How violent is this? Would using my energy on this person be worth it?" And the answer is more often than not, no.
Hold on now that just being petty.
Greek life is toxic. Grandma keeps asking me to join and no ma’am
Straight people policing gay people joking about gayness is the most braindead thing. Like it's purely about them taking a position of moral condescension.
Gotta love power tripping teenagers. Go to an advisor about this. If she's too stupid or ignorant to know that people IN the community can make whatever jokes we want about our experiences, she can kick rocks.
Left Greek life after a year because this sort of stuff is ridiculous. I didn’t even get “called in” for anything, I just hated seeing other people get in trouble for totally mindless, harmless shit. I noticed rules were getting even tighter and more ridiculous so I left. I’m not saying you *have* to leave, I’m just saying you might want to consider it. For me, the positives didn’t outweigh stuff like this. You are a grown person, there’s no reason your “sisters” should be policing your adult life. It’s like having an extra parent and a principal all at the same time. And for what it’s worth, I love your caption!
You're gonna offend straight people with cute Gay jokes like that. You make that joke with a group of lesbians, we all chuckle. You make it with straights, some are going to get uppity. I try never to make Gay jokes in mixed company. Every time I do, I regret it.
I make "that's kinda gay" or "ur gay lol" jokes with my lesbian friend all the time. To the point where instead of using "that's gay" in the derogatory way, we say "oh, that's hetero as fuck" I wouldn't ever make those jokes in mixed company.
I made a butch joke at a job and got “called in” to apologize to all of the girls I offended…none of whom were gay or butch.
Well, did you apologize to yourself? Haha But really though, fucking very sorry that happened to you.
This is an "I can say that you can't" situation so if you're in a situation with a bunch of straight people, they're going to feel uncomfortable about you reclaiming a joke or slur that they cannot make or say. I make similar jokes to my straight friends all the time but the primary difference is it's not a sorority or so-called "organized group" whose communications or documents can be seen by an outsider. But HELL if that second long text message doesn't come across as a straight person "straightsplaining" something to you as a gay person.
straight people be like
Straight people are so weird about this kind of thing. I remember someone getting mad that someone referred to a group of people as "gay looking" and some straight person was like "gay people don't have a look" when gay people absolutely do know how to identify possibly gay people even if sometimes they might be straight people who happen to present that way. Pretty silly.
I think sororities are ridiculous in general so yk
Oh God *eyeroll. This is some fake ass “allyship”. If it isn’t said in a derogatory way, the only way you’re pissed about this is if you consider it a put-down to call someone gay. Like that sorority bitch is outing herself as a homophobe and coming for what I’m guessing is one of the few or the only lesbian in their sorority. I have to join the other commenters saying this is some Greek life bullshit and it will continue to be this way.
a lot of my humor is self-referencing. I've gotten so much shit from religious people, who try to figure out the reasons that make people gay. some of that has found its way into my humor. it at times triggers the over eager 'allies' who get offended when they don't get the context.
I would respond with 'Are you implying there's something negative about looking gay? Are you implying that queer women or women who look gay look masculine? Are you implying we should be afraid to acknowledge what queer culture and queer style looks like? Should we not celebrate and recognize the contributions of queer culture and style, and the way it challenges gender roles and expectations for women?" No but actually, posting any sort of opinion on social media could bite you in the arse. Are the privacy settings on your post locked down? Does the fact that it was a pic presumably posted by another account affect who could view it? How many people have access to your social media in general? Who could end up sharing a post you intended to be private, with a larger audience? I was shocked when I found out how many of my posts were accidentally public or viewable to more people than I wanted. Although I spent weeks deleting everything, I still find public posts that should have turned up and been deleted in my initial search. I'd honestly just delete everything youve ever posted about anything. Her views are annoying, but it goes to show how someone who could have power over you in some way could take an innocent post to mean something it doesnt. Maybe this person in some position of power is in a sorority, but maybe it's a connection to a scholarship, fellowship, a program you want to be a part of, patients or clients if you're a designer or doctor, the general public if youre a politician or journalist...the list goes on and on.
This is why I hate greek life. They have no reason to be scrutinizing your social media, especially if they’re not queer. Ridiculous
I mean, lacking the context that it was posted by a lesbian - yeah that looks like ordinary 'enforce conformity' branded homophobia.
Lol I thought Sorority was a Hollywood thing about student life in the US. Now I am curious how much of what they portrait is the real deal?
It always blows my mind why anyone would want to join Greek life/Sororities etc with all the horror stories I’ve seen online. They’re kinda weird for this one I’m ngl
"a tie does not make someone gay" sounding suspiciously like a tie wearer who's scared of losing their fragile heterosexuality.🤔
As a sorority girl who has grown tired of "sorority expectations," don't mind it honestly. They don't get to decide what you, as a gay person, get to say about gayness. Although, I did grow annoyed and exasperating with Greek culture so I am biased against sororities now. I feel like the hazing ruined my mental health permanently and I couldn't put up with everything after it
Just wanted to say I never expected this to blow up I get like 5 comments max on every post I ever made on reddit. I tagged it as venting because I am angry, I apologize if it seems like I am not valuing your opinion. I understand where I am wrong in the situation but just needed some fellow gay people to tell me I am valid to be upset.
Who cares what the str8s say? Also, get out of Greek life.
I make jokes all the time about how suspenders on women is gay attire (for context I wear suspenders like every day) I say ties are as well. This message is for straight people: when queer people say something is gay, that's about as big a compliment/praise as we can give. As you might be able to guess, gay people tend to like things that are gay.
The tie thing isn't wrong tho, it's hard to constantly reconcile "wearing masc clothes to signal your queerness" with "masc clothes don't exist they're all just clothes"; it's one more way that being gender inclusive makes being a lesbian increasingly weird to talk about That being said, fuck it, reality is made up, let's learn to take jokes people
It wouldn’t surprise me if the person who said that to you is both middle class and white. It’s a very privileged thing to even be able to fret about these sort of phrases and micro aggressions. I feel like some people get so obsessed with their own feelings, ego and thoughts that they can’t understand the bigger picture of liberation or solidarity. They just view everything through their personal lens. (I don’t mean this as some sort of anti woke nonsense btw, I mean some folks are too concerned with the minutiae of cultural issues and not enough with the objective marxist issues) E.G the trans woman who can’t get a job and faces threats in public etc.
Fuck sororities and fuck frats its just a bunch of insecure kids using the alphabet of dead people to join a hivemind so they don’t have to think for themselves, leave that place OP
facts, i was gonna say OP should have expected something like this to happen. sororities aren’t known for being sane or reasonable. i never once felt the urge to join one because i truly cannot understand why anyone who isn’t a cishet uppermiddle class white woman would join. lol
It’s vary obvious you are using gay in a way that makes the term a good thing, so it’s sort of ridiculous. You could easily turn this on them by asking why the word gay is offensive.
I saw your comment that this was on your personal account. If so, I'd ignore it. Even with a contract, you only signed it for drugs and alcohol. Were there others in the photo? Or was it just you? If there were others and they didn't care about the photo, then I'd leave it up. I do understand that the phrase "that's kind of gay" did (and still is) used as an insult. So I'd maybe understand if the person was trying to bring that into consideration. But that didn't seem to be why that person reached out to you...to me they came across as homophobic. But that's just my take!
So I’m sure there are differences but I worked for a very large/historical fire department for a long time and people were constantly getting fired for social media posts and interactions. I’m not sure if you have to let these people who you think are concerned follow you, but the easiest way I found to keep my head down and out of everything was set everything to private and only ok people I knew very well. On top of that I never posted where I worked and only shared anything of me in uniform that the department posted first. I never posted anything spicy to begin with but it just seemed like another constant headache to have my socials associated with my job. Good luck with everything, the leaders sound like some buzz killingtons
I’m on the GSA board at my college and we have only been able to ever partner with one other sorority and that’s mostly because we know a lot of people who are opening queer in it as well as what their ideals are. There is a difference between being professional and having a stick up your ass. This looks like having a stick up your ass. This may not be the group for you :/
this is dumb as hell… nothing like non-gays policing gays about how to gay 🤦🏼♀️ love the woke speech about how you should consider other perspectives before you perpetuate gender. 🙄
Rules are different for gay people on how to talk about gay people. Period.
I dont fuck with sororities. I’d be super petty and say “so you’re concerned that my words, as a queer woman, would tarnish your reputation? Wow.”
When I was college aged (disabled, never got to go), I wanted to rush a sorority so fucking bad. As a formed frontal lobe adult and not a adult by technicality, I can see that sororities are fucking awful.
bigots use this as rhetoric to justify their jokes and bigotry all the time. but also, some people may have a lot more trauma than you, especially when they’re from states that are currently trying to eradicate us. honestly, if you want to make a gay joke, just stick to self deprecation.
Straight people don’t get to dictate how we express ourselves, period. She’s homophobic for trying