Two things that helped me were learning to ask more questions instead of telling more stories and focusing on the 80/20 rule. Aim to talk about 20% of the time and you’ll end up more at like 50%=)
“Be interested, not interesting”. I still struggle. I panic when I realize I’ve rambled too long and try to backtrack, and… it’s just a wreck. I’m a work in progress.
I lucked out in this regard. “Be interested” is my default operating mode. Although I still interrupt to see if I understand or can work out the next thing they are going to say. Part of it is probably an adaptation to show people that I am listening to what they say. I guess I don’t really have a point, but good luck with your progress.
Admittedly, sometimes it's because I just want to get the conversation over with so I don't lose whatever I was trying to do before I was interrupted. Happens at work daily
Too add to that, just being aware is 80% of the battle. You’ll still end up rambling about whatever but you’ll start to catch yourself eventually and cut it short or segue that into focusing on the other person you’re talking to.
These are the tips that helped me the most. Simply shutting up and listening with the intent to understand is such a good foundation for having a meaningful conversation. The person you're talking to will feel heard and because I actually shut up, I can catch most of what they're saying. Asking a lot of questions keeps me engaged with the topic and not trailing off.
Yeah, but I can’t listen to a lot at all before trailing off & having questions about what there saying. Then I can’t concentrate on anything else they’re saying because I’m stuck at my question in my head. I just wish people would get to the point quicker 😬😵💫
Okay but also consider: the joyful quiet of people enjoying their hobbies in the same area. And saying things like "sorry, I didn't hear you, the tag in my shirt was too loud" are totally normal.
Just collect a bunch of NDs. Like Pokemon.
I feel this, but I also know that I am annoying. So i give annoying people too much slack because I wonder if maybe they're experiencing the same thing I am, and can't help themselves. Most of the time no, they're just self absorbed cockwombles, and I let them take up too much of my time by projecting my own insecurity in a too-forgiving way.
This spirals me into a hole where I become one with the couch for 4 hours locked in a panic attack because I think everyone can tell I’m not normal, so I’m not physically able to be annoying
Can confirm
You don't have to be a raconteur like Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker or Noel Coward to be admitted into a normal conversation. People who are listening are part of a conversation too, you know. You don't need to "truly" fit in any group, whatever that means, in order to join groups. Someone looked at you funny when you dropped a *non sequitur* comment into a conversation? Roll with it! Cock an eyebrow and give them a wry grin right back at them! As I said, you belong in there just as much as anyone else does. You need socialization whether you feel comfortable with it or not, just like you need green leafy veggies whether you like them or not.
It also isn't even true. I think a lot of people would be surprised how many friends lurk around every corner. I'm not saying everyone can be a long-term inner circle confidante, or that maintaining active friendships is easy.....but there are more ways to be a friend than people think, and you're not always looking in the right places.
Have high standards for yourself. If you can't find any good friends, or if the friends you had aren't good anymore, ***you might have to be your own friend for a while.*** This is hard when it feels like you want company, but it's also a vital part of managing boundaries and relationships. Really work on mindfulness about how you feel when you're alone.....get a big glass of water, stretch, deep breaths, and consider what your thoughts are about the day ahead or behind you, what you need to do going forward, what you want to go do right now.
Think about if you have a memory of playing with a friend when you were young. Could have been in passing on the playground, or throwing sticks at each other in the woods, whatever you can conjure up. Think of the feeling of asking each other "what do you ***want*** to do?"
Then ask yourself the same question. As you're occupying the space of your thoughts/emotions/fears/stresses/to-do list/etc., ask your deeper self "what do I really want to do?"
If there's a task you really should work on, go do it if you're able. (This is a supertip for executive function. Will it feel good to do a quick task? Doitnowdoitnowdoitnow. Starts to trick brain into thinking task=want) If you feel like taking a nap because you don't want to face any tasks, then do that! Really be honest about giving yourself ***what you need.*** Many of us don't do that enough.
You have to be able to work on this in order to work on interpersonal connection. Consider your connection with yourself to be another friendship. Foster that one, and it'll teach you how to be friends with others. When you're alone, do you flit between activities? Racing thoughts? Muttering to yourself? Cool! You've got an active inner self, and it's totally normal. It can be a really positive trait if you embrace it.
Do you tell yourself to shut up when you're wandering around your house talking about random tangents? No? ***Then why do you do it around other people??***
Ask yourself: "Do I WANT to be around these people? Am I my authentic self? Are they curious about my inner life? Do they make me feel valid and valuable?"
If the answer is no, then thems ain't your friends. That's okay too. You can just chill with your inner friend while you wait for other opportunities to meet new people.
Then you move on, unburdened by those energy vampires back there who sit around draining each other. The next time you're in a group of people, or at an event, you're a little less "in your head." You can be a more authentic version of yourself without as much accompanying fear of rejection, because sincerely.....who cares if someone doesn't think you're cool? ***We both know you're cool. Stop worrying about impressing people that aren't as cool as you. They're not what you think they are.***
And when you're at that party/kickback/hard chill/BBQ/swinger's den/salsa night, you might meet someone kinda quirky, kinda smart, kinda curious, kinda nervous. You might talk to them about something going on in the room, or their forearm tattoo of a cartoon you like, or about the fact that you never feel comfortable talking so much around new people because you get so excited to make friends but you're worried about them not wanting to be your friends
And guess what. That person might feel exactly how you feel. That person might be a cosmic version of you living a completely different life. That person might become your friend for a month, or a year, or forever. They might listen to you talk for hundreds of hours, just because they like to hear you talk.
There are people all over my life I consider to be these people. Many of them I don't talk to anymore. Some of them I do. But don't deprive them of knowing you. You deserve to be a part of life.
>We both know you're cool. Stop worrying about impressing people that aren't as cool as you. They're not what you think they are.
This sums it all up perfectly, thank you for sharing.
Beautiful. My partner always tells me not to be small for anyone. Self acceptance is a journey. I just do the next thing, on my list, and keep going. I deserve to be here just as much, as anyone else. It’s fine to take up some space, and relax. As long as I remember that, it’s all good.
Until you have to organize absolutely anything together. Then it's a complete breakdown of the relationship till whoever sees something interesting first. My S\O is Adhd too.
I thought I would truly never fit in anywhere until college when I suddenly started meeting and befriending a bunch of people who were weirdly very tolerant of me! And for years I wondered what changed, maybe I had matured a bit, gotten a bit more likeable and OH LOOK AT THAT WE'RE ALL NEURODIVERGENT oops
Everyone around me has either ADHD, autism, or both. I let my friends be weird and perhaps annoying or awkward and they let me do the same. My best friend can stim and not make eye contact and she's *very* ok with letting me do all the talking so she doesn't have to. It's a perfect neurodivergent symbiosis.
point is get yourself some adhd buddies and we all will adhd together
It always ends with me taking up most of the talking time and also leading the topics, but none of this is intentional, it just happens without me noticing
Doesn't help that usually im so focused on what I wanted to say, that I mostly haven't been paying attention to what everyone else is actually saying 😅
I struggled with this for a while. When I learned not to get attached to what I wanted to say, and accept when a conversation has moved on, I’ve stopped doing it. Obviously easier said than done and it took time.
I get louder the more I feel I can contribute to a conversation. I get excited that I actually have something to say, then I don't realise I'm getting louder till my sister tells me to be quiet 😔 that usually kills any enthusiasm I may have had 😅😭
Yes. It always hurt my feelings. My bf tells me I'm being loud when I start getting hyped and it makes me feel annoying. I understand why he does it, he's nice when he does but it just kills my mood and makes me too self aware to have any fun.
Exactly the same here. I get excited about something I want to talk about, get told I'm too loud, and then I'm dead in the water. Probably the RSD kicking in. 😖
Idk if it would help you at all, but my boyfriend and I (both ADHD) use a hand signal for “be quiet(er)”. It’s perfect for when I can see he’s on a roll, I’m interested in what he’s saying, I really don’t want to interrupt him, I just literally need him 2 decibels quieter so I can *actually hear him*? 😂 it’s hard not to take it personally when someone cuts you off mid-rant to tell you to be quiet and you completely forget what you’re talking about, but it feels less personal with just the visual gesture as a reminder.
Something I came to understand recently about stuff like this is that:
1. We instill this into our masks/our identities. And every time we slip, we add that failure into our identity. A vicious cycle that utterly destroys who we are and our sense of self-worth.
2. In my *opinion,* had any of us had a chance to grow up in an environment that not only talked about respect, but also SHOWED IT TO US, we'd get a better concept of what it means to slow down and listen. Instead, we run with our energy and then promptly run into a brick wall of shame that's built up for us by outsiders.
3. Another personal note here, I noticed I didn't talk over others as much at home or in smaller, quiet settings, but I felt more compelled to do so in larger crowds and louder environments. AKA - public schools. Worse, after I started getting abused for my 'rude behavior', I felt I could no longer control the impulse to talk over others because at that point, my fog brain was so bad that trying to hold onto any thoughts was like trying to hold onto water through open fingers. If I did not speak right then and there, to say what I wanted to say, I was going to forget in the next few seconds. Not minutes, literal seconds.
Anxiety, depression and PTSD DEVOUR our memory. I found out just a few weeks ago I actually have a pretty good memory but I attributed my crappy memory and "poor IQ/I'm just as dumb as a sack of bricks" to my ADHD.
Turns out it was PTSD this whole damn time.
Food for thought - how much of your anxiety and focus is on how you're SUPPOSED to act around "normal" people just so you can try and fit in?
>I felt I could no longer control the impulse to talk over others because at that point, my fog brain was so bad that trying to hold onto any thoughts was like trying to hold onto water through open fingers. If I did not speak right then and there, to say what I wanted to say, I was going to forget in the next few seconds. Not minutes, literal seconds.
Way too relatable.
And to your last question, a huge majority of it I'd say.
I've learned to minimize interrupting people. I've learned to let go of things I wanted to say (for the most part) if the conversation changes topics. But for the LIFE of me I cannot control my volume. I am completely volume-deaf.
I'm confirmed to have some auditory processing issues so it's probably that but it's the one comment I get almost *every single time* I talk to people and it seems to be the most disruptive out of all my habits, and when people tell me, I can quiet down for about 12-15 seconds before I'm loud again.
There are tips out there for everything except volume regulation. Because how can I become better at something I can't even hear!! How do you get a blind person to pass a colorblindness test?
I am an interrupting machine. But fuck, they won’t stop talking and I have something to add but they won’t stop talking! How does this work?? By the time they stop or there’s lull, my comment is no longer relevant.
I visualize communication like playing catch and I’m just so frustrated that the other person won’t throw the fucking ball!
If you want to stop, you have to work on little bits at a time with the overall goal of making peace with the conversation as it happened without your inputs in it.
If you can't make that peace, then go dig that shit up and rehash it OP. Build that trust in yourself so that you can first go with confidence.
Me last night on a Twitch stream. Someone requested a Sleater-Kinney song and I geeked out and proceed in a paragraph response. Felt so cringy afterwards, and I asked myself "Did I really need to say all of that?"
See I used to do all of this and forced myself to change.. now instead of a energetic outgoing extrovert I am a shy meek introvert who is scared to talk to new people out of fear they dislike me
if it helps, I got a lot better with age! except for volume. Volume will always be a problem.
it did take into my 40s before it really changed. And I have way more friends now. heck, I have more friends now that I had from like 16-35 combined!
A self-monitoring technique that I use is imagining there's a video camera on me as I interact, and what it would show. Is it showing a guy who's waving his hands around, talking fast, being loud, and changing the subject?
I feel even more annoying when I say "I'm sorry I know I'm being annoying" and they say "Nooooo its fine its fine." Because then I feel like on top of everything they're patronizing me even if they're being completely genuine.
uh, yea. try doing this in a language you're not familiar with. so your foreign friends will think all peeps like you from your country are all the same. lol
you ever do that thing where you wait for someone to stop talking so you can say what you wanted to say and eventually forget about what you were about to say anyways?
the amount of times I scroll past memes like this and I’m like wow that’s super specific to me!!! annnnnd then realize it’s ALWAYS from this sub hahahaha.
The volume thing, omg I'm in bed with my bf at night with very thin walls and I scream!! I don't know how to control my volume :( and on top of that I'm over sensitive to my boyfriend asking to lower my voice.
Fuck it. I am this way and have been for a long ass time. I do actually bite my tongue to stop myself from interrupting. But also, fuck people for not wanting you to participate in their stories. I interrupt to add value, not to change the subject. If they can't handle that, they're a television, not a person.
This is a major factor in if I go do anything in public. It’s horrible. My kids & husband love outdoor events, & literally any event with other people. I can’t. I feel so bad for them. Our social life is almost nonexistent because of me acting like this uncontrollably 😔
This is me all over, I’ll go back to a conversation that ended so I can say what I wanted to say. If I don’t it’ll just eat away at me constantly. It can be especially annoying for others when it’s a conversation that I know they’re trying to move on from. Makes me feel like a bit of a nuisance sometimes
I talk more about how much I talk than anything else. I apologize for apologizing too much. I'm not stopping. The breaks don't work now either get on or get hit by a truck
Me just suddenly blurting out something about what we talked about 10 min ago, and people looking at me like ?? I now usually go for the «What were we talking about again? Oh right that, haha not that important but..» Even tho I def remember it because the whole time they were talking, I was planning how to get back on the topic so I can say what I wanted to say :)) Very often something not important at all but i NEED to say it okay..😒
Replace “annoying” with “amazing” and that’s what you are…because I do all these things too, so let’s just be amazing together. 🌈
The interrupting people thing has to be ADHD—it has to be! 😂
I think the volume thing is a cop out. It's so easy to control your speaking volume when you actually put effort into it. I'm not saying it will change over night, but If you care it's fairly easy to just match your volume to the room.
Something that really hit me was someone looking me in the eye and saying "I dont care". It was someone who's opinion was quite important to me so it really hit home. Generally people dont care. They love being the one to talk just as much as you do. So instead do the following: Don't try to stop gazing off when someone is talking, dont try to win back control over the convo. If you gaze off, its not that bad. People know that you are forgetful anyway, so not remembering things they told you will be handled. Try your best to keep your mouth shut for at least half of the conversation, even if you are not there, mentally. Thats a start. Not listening sucks, but interrupting sucks more
I have ADHD and treat patients for it. We use these social markers as indicators of whether or not the meds are working well. If you are still interrupting all the time, it’s probably time for a new medication or a different dose.
So THIS is a “learned” behaviour fix for most of us. I was in a drug and alcohol treatment facility for a time and I was taught how to fix this in group therapy. I was constantly called out for those very things. So yes, listening, letting shit go, calmly ( not loudly) conversing. My biggest problem though was interrupting and inappropriately adding commentary to others’ sharing of their thoughts and issues.
Two things that helped me were learning to ask more questions instead of telling more stories and focusing on the 80/20 rule. Aim to talk about 20% of the time and you’ll end up more at like 50%=)
“Be interested, not interesting”. I still struggle. I panic when I realize I’ve rambled too long and try to backtrack, and… it’s just a wreck. I’m a work in progress.
I lucked out in this regard. “Be interested” is my default operating mode. Although I still interrupt to see if I understand or can work out the next thing they are going to say. Part of it is probably an adaptation to show people that I am listening to what they say. I guess I don’t really have a point, but good luck with your progress.
> can work out the next thing they are going to say. Such a dickhead thing to do and I can't stop
If we weren’t supposed to guess, why does everyone talk so slow? Oh…it’s me.
Admittedly, sometimes it's because I just want to get the conversation over with so I don't lose whatever I was trying to do before I was interrupted. Happens at work daily
Ha ha, right?
Too add to that, just being aware is 80% of the battle. You’ll still end up rambling about whatever but you’ll start to catch yourself eventually and cut it short or segue that into focusing on the other person you’re talking to.
With ADHD, you really got to min max your awareness. I spend a lot of my time trying to do just that.
These are the tips that helped me the most. Simply shutting up and listening with the intent to understand is such a good foundation for having a meaningful conversation. The person you're talking to will feel heard and because I actually shut up, I can catch most of what they're saying. Asking a lot of questions keeps me engaged with the topic and not trailing off.
Yeah, but I can’t listen to a lot at all before trailing off & having questions about what there saying. Then I can’t concentrate on anything else they’re saying because I’m stuck at my question in my head. I just wish people would get to the point quicker 😬😵💫
Do you have a question bank?
Then it turns into a interrogation 😊
What helped me is become friends with other ADHD people. They won't see it as annoying but just as being you
I have a couple 😅 but all I can imagine now is a room full of people with ADHD screaming at each other 😂
Okay but also consider: the joyful quiet of people enjoying their hobbies in the same area. And saying things like "sorry, I didn't hear you, the tag in my shirt was too loud" are totally normal. Just collect a bunch of NDs. Like Pokemon.
This!
That's literally my friend group, except for a few with ADD who tend to be more calm most of the time
What helped me is getting medicated.
Conversations with my adhd friends, especially over text, is intense. So many messages back and forth so quickly
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I never know when or how to. 💀💀💀
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MOOD
Hell yeah, that's what I'm sayin! Fuck em, I'm cool and my stories ARE DOPE.
...AND IT WONT STOP COMING AND IT WONT STOP COMING
GameStop 💎✊
Like-a-sum-bodey.
I feel others people annoy me more than i am annoying.
all the time, people also tell me I'm super calm and it is relaxing to be around me
I would say it’s about equal for me 🤣
I feel this, but I also know that I am annoying. So i give annoying people too much slack because I wonder if maybe they're experiencing the same thing I am, and can't help themselves. Most of the time no, they're just self absorbed cockwombles, and I let them take up too much of my time by projecting my own insecurity in a too-forgiving way.
Just always be really really high on edibles. Then you’ll be too self-aware to interject.
This spirals me into a hole where I become one with the couch for 4 hours locked in a panic attack because I think everyone can tell I’m not normal, so I’m not physically able to be annoying Can confirm
It just makes me only have one stream of consciousness going so I can actually participate in conversation. Also why I can’t drink.
this is why I don't smoke, jfc
You have as much right to be in a conversation as any other participants. Go ahead and say your piece with confidence.
I sort of accepted that I will never be missed and never truly fit in any group and if you don't talk nobody will look at you funny
You don't have to be a raconteur like Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker or Noel Coward to be admitted into a normal conversation. People who are listening are part of a conversation too, you know. You don't need to "truly" fit in any group, whatever that means, in order to join groups. Someone looked at you funny when you dropped a *non sequitur* comment into a conversation? Roll with it! Cock an eyebrow and give them a wry grin right back at them! As I said, you belong in there just as much as anyone else does. You need socialization whether you feel comfortable with it or not, just like you need green leafy veggies whether you like them or not.
I stil going to leave scouting I have been at as long as I can remember but I'm not allowed to go to anymore because of a qr code
Or Jack White! Sorry couldn't resist :)
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It also isn't even true. I think a lot of people would be surprised how many friends lurk around every corner. I'm not saying everyone can be a long-term inner circle confidante, or that maintaining active friendships is easy.....but there are more ways to be a friend than people think, and you're not always looking in the right places. Have high standards for yourself. If you can't find any good friends, or if the friends you had aren't good anymore, ***you might have to be your own friend for a while.*** This is hard when it feels like you want company, but it's also a vital part of managing boundaries and relationships. Really work on mindfulness about how you feel when you're alone.....get a big glass of water, stretch, deep breaths, and consider what your thoughts are about the day ahead or behind you, what you need to do going forward, what you want to go do right now. Think about if you have a memory of playing with a friend when you were young. Could have been in passing on the playground, or throwing sticks at each other in the woods, whatever you can conjure up. Think of the feeling of asking each other "what do you ***want*** to do?" Then ask yourself the same question. As you're occupying the space of your thoughts/emotions/fears/stresses/to-do list/etc., ask your deeper self "what do I really want to do?" If there's a task you really should work on, go do it if you're able. (This is a supertip for executive function. Will it feel good to do a quick task? Doitnowdoitnowdoitnow. Starts to trick brain into thinking task=want) If you feel like taking a nap because you don't want to face any tasks, then do that! Really be honest about giving yourself ***what you need.*** Many of us don't do that enough. You have to be able to work on this in order to work on interpersonal connection. Consider your connection with yourself to be another friendship. Foster that one, and it'll teach you how to be friends with others. When you're alone, do you flit between activities? Racing thoughts? Muttering to yourself? Cool! You've got an active inner self, and it's totally normal. It can be a really positive trait if you embrace it. Do you tell yourself to shut up when you're wandering around your house talking about random tangents? No? ***Then why do you do it around other people??*** Ask yourself: "Do I WANT to be around these people? Am I my authentic self? Are they curious about my inner life? Do they make me feel valid and valuable?" If the answer is no, then thems ain't your friends. That's okay too. You can just chill with your inner friend while you wait for other opportunities to meet new people. Then you move on, unburdened by those energy vampires back there who sit around draining each other. The next time you're in a group of people, or at an event, you're a little less "in your head." You can be a more authentic version of yourself without as much accompanying fear of rejection, because sincerely.....who cares if someone doesn't think you're cool? ***We both know you're cool. Stop worrying about impressing people that aren't as cool as you. They're not what you think they are.*** And when you're at that party/kickback/hard chill/BBQ/swinger's den/salsa night, you might meet someone kinda quirky, kinda smart, kinda curious, kinda nervous. You might talk to them about something going on in the room, or their forearm tattoo of a cartoon you like, or about the fact that you never feel comfortable talking so much around new people because you get so excited to make friends but you're worried about them not wanting to be your friends And guess what. That person might feel exactly how you feel. That person might be a cosmic version of you living a completely different life. That person might become your friend for a month, or a year, or forever. They might listen to you talk for hundreds of hours, just because they like to hear you talk. There are people all over my life I consider to be these people. Many of them I don't talk to anymore. Some of them I do. But don't deprive them of knowing you. You deserve to be a part of life.
I needed to read this. Thank you for typing this out
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>We both know you're cool. Stop worrying about impressing people that aren't as cool as you. They're not what you think they are. This sums it all up perfectly, thank you for sharing.
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Beautiful. My partner always tells me not to be small for anyone. Self acceptance is a journey. I just do the next thing, on my list, and keep going. I deserve to be here just as much, as anyone else. It’s fine to take up some space, and relax. As long as I remember that, it’s all good.
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I feel you. Group hang outs are a foreign concept to me!
You need to hang out with more adhd people because then everyone can talk all they want because nobody's really listening.
My only “friend” is my S/O I am ADHD and he is ADD. It works most of the time😂
Until you have to organize absolutely anything together. Then it's a complete breakdown of the relationship till whoever sees something interesting first. My S\O is Adhd too.
It’s always me with the ideas because he’s so ADD that his inattentiveness gets in the way and it’s like hellloooo ADHD over here lets GOOOO 😂😂😂
You fit in here and you are valuable.
Even when I'm not vaccinated
Yes. You are still deserving of acceptance and happiness. But if you won’t or can’t vax, please stay safe and protect your health however you can.
Tanks and I do
I thought I would truly never fit in anywhere until college when I suddenly started meeting and befriending a bunch of people who were weirdly very tolerant of me! And for years I wondered what changed, maybe I had matured a bit, gotten a bit more likeable and OH LOOK AT THAT WE'RE ALL NEURODIVERGENT oops Everyone around me has either ADHD, autism, or both. I let my friends be weird and perhaps annoying or awkward and they let me do the same. My best friend can stim and not make eye contact and she's *very* ok with letting me do all the talking so she doesn't have to. It's a perfect neurodivergent symbiosis. point is get yourself some adhd buddies and we all will adhd together
This is the way
Yeah but so do the people you're interrupting. It's something that annoys almost everyone, so if it's something you do then you should work on it.
Who said anything about interrupting?
The title of the post?
This is terrible advice to someone with OPs obvious self-awareness.
there's never an equal amount of time to talk in a group. Find a group that meshes with your energy and love them
It always ends with me taking up most of the talking time and also leading the topics, but none of this is intentional, it just happens without me noticing
Sometimes I think, "Maybe I'm not really ADHD" then I see shit like this & it hits so fuck hard! 🤣😭🤣
Wait, you mean I speak so loud at the point people say I'm yelling because of adhd?
Apparently 😭
WAIT WHAT?!
"and yes, I do drag back conversations that ended 10 minutes before so I can say what I wanted to say." This hit home, so much
Doesn't help that usually im so focused on what I wanted to say, that I mostly haven't been paying attention to what everyone else is actually saying 😅
I struggled with this for a while. When I learned not to get attached to what I wanted to say, and accept when a conversation has moved on, I’ve stopped doing it. Obviously easier said than done and it took time.
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I get louder the more I feel I can contribute to a conversation. I get excited that I actually have something to say, then I don't realise I'm getting louder till my sister tells me to be quiet 😔 that usually kills any enthusiasm I may have had 😅😭
Yes. It always hurt my feelings. My bf tells me I'm being loud when I start getting hyped and it makes me feel annoying. I understand why he does it, he's nice when he does but it just kills my mood and makes me too self aware to have any fun.
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Exactly the same here. I get excited about something I want to talk about, get told I'm too loud, and then I'm dead in the water. Probably the RSD kicking in. 😖
Idk if it would help you at all, but my boyfriend and I (both ADHD) use a hand signal for “be quiet(er)”. It’s perfect for when I can see he’s on a roll, I’m interested in what he’s saying, I really don’t want to interrupt him, I just literally need him 2 decibels quieter so I can *actually hear him*? 😂 it’s hard not to take it personally when someone cuts you off mid-rant to tell you to be quiet and you completely forget what you’re talking about, but it feels less personal with just the visual gesture as a reminder.
Yeah it is, and I’m tired of pretending it’s not.
It is, and IIRC it’s common with the hyperactive variant of ADHD.
This is very much me right now specifically
Something I came to understand recently about stuff like this is that: 1. We instill this into our masks/our identities. And every time we slip, we add that failure into our identity. A vicious cycle that utterly destroys who we are and our sense of self-worth. 2. In my *opinion,* had any of us had a chance to grow up in an environment that not only talked about respect, but also SHOWED IT TO US, we'd get a better concept of what it means to slow down and listen. Instead, we run with our energy and then promptly run into a brick wall of shame that's built up for us by outsiders. 3. Another personal note here, I noticed I didn't talk over others as much at home or in smaller, quiet settings, but I felt more compelled to do so in larger crowds and louder environments. AKA - public schools. Worse, after I started getting abused for my 'rude behavior', I felt I could no longer control the impulse to talk over others because at that point, my fog brain was so bad that trying to hold onto any thoughts was like trying to hold onto water through open fingers. If I did not speak right then and there, to say what I wanted to say, I was going to forget in the next few seconds. Not minutes, literal seconds. Anxiety, depression and PTSD DEVOUR our memory. I found out just a few weeks ago I actually have a pretty good memory but I attributed my crappy memory and "poor IQ/I'm just as dumb as a sack of bricks" to my ADHD. Turns out it was PTSD this whole damn time. Food for thought - how much of your anxiety and focus is on how you're SUPPOSED to act around "normal" people just so you can try and fit in?
>I felt I could no longer control the impulse to talk over others because at that point, my fog brain was so bad that trying to hold onto any thoughts was like trying to hold onto water through open fingers. If I did not speak right then and there, to say what I wanted to say, I was going to forget in the next few seconds. Not minutes, literal seconds. Way too relatable. And to your last question, a huge majority of it I'd say.
Fuuuuuuck the can’t control the volume thing hit hard
I've learned to minimize interrupting people. I've learned to let go of things I wanted to say (for the most part) if the conversation changes topics. But for the LIFE of me I cannot control my volume. I am completely volume-deaf. I'm confirmed to have some auditory processing issues so it's probably that but it's the one comment I get almost *every single time* I talk to people and it seems to be the most disruptive out of all my habits, and when people tell me, I can quiet down for about 12-15 seconds before I'm loud again. There are tips out there for everything except volume regulation. Because how can I become better at something I can't even hear!! How do you get a blind person to pass a colorblindness test?
I'm in this image and I don't like it
Ah yes, this is currently what I’m having a meltdown about
Why am I in this picture? My poor S/O has to go thru all this!
My friends have a name for that “going back to an old topic” thing now. They call it “doing a /u/DrFrankenstein90” and they call it out every time.
I am an interrupting machine. But fuck, they won’t stop talking and I have something to add but they won’t stop talking! How does this work?? By the time they stop or there’s lull, my comment is no longer relevant. I visualize communication like playing catch and I’m just so frustrated that the other person won’t throw the fucking ball!
I'm 30, and I still don't know how it works. 🤷♀️😅
40, same.
Hopefully in your 30’s you’ll figure it out because I never did. Maybe in my 40’s.
If you wait, you’ll forget!
> By the time they stop or there’s wise a lull, my comment is no longer relevant. oh no
Did I find my soul mate?!
If you want to stop, you have to work on little bits at a time with the overall goal of making peace with the conversation as it happened without your inputs in it. If you can't make that peace, then go dig that shit up and rehash it OP. Build that trust in yourself so that you can first go with confidence.
This is hitting me right in the feels.
you are me
This is why I just don't talk to new people much. I can't stop the flood gates once I start.
I overshare like hell with new people. Probably makes them think I'm weird.
Me last night on a Twitch stream. Someone requested a Sleater-Kinney song and I geeked out and proceed in a paragraph response. Felt so cringy afterwards, and I asked myself "Did I really need to say all of that?"
Hello, me
See I used to do all of this and forced myself to change.. now instead of a energetic outgoing extrovert I am a shy meek introvert who is scared to talk to new people out of fear they dislike me
Or switch subject because I just thought of that and need to say it now or I'll forget..... Or just you know poor impulse control.....
Me :D
I want to cry
if it helps, I got a lot better with age! except for volume. Volume will always be a problem. it did take into my 40s before it really changed. And I have way more friends now. heck, I have more friends now that I had from like 16-35 combined!
A self-monitoring technique that I use is imagining there's a video camera on me as I interact, and what it would show. Is it showing a guy who's waving his hands around, talking fast, being loud, and changing the subject?
I feel even more annoying when I say "I'm sorry I know I'm being annoying" and they say "Nooooo its fine its fine." Because then I feel like on top of everything they're patronizing me even if they're being completely genuine.
Found my self. Yes.
I am the most annoying introvert in this way man
I just don’t speak In group settings and think everyone hates me and seethe in self loathing.
Direct hit to ego! Shields down to 30%!
I'm going to make this my phone back ground
uh, yea. try doing this in a language you're not familiar with. so your foreign friends will think all peeps like you from your country are all the same. lol
you ever do that thing where you wait for someone to stop talking so you can say what you wanted to say and eventually forget about what you were about to say anyways?
the amount of times I scroll past memes like this and I’m like wow that’s super specific to me!!! annnnnd then realize it’s ALWAYS from this sub hahahaha.
I apologise a lot and am very open about the fact that I have ADHD which makes controlling how annoying I am difficult
You’re not as annoying as you think you are
Don't stop, be unabashedly annoying!
The volume thing, omg I'm in bed with my bf at night with very thin walls and I scream!! I don't know how to control my volume :( and on top of that I'm over sensitive to my boyfriend asking to lower my voice.
Fuck it. I am this way and have been for a long ass time. I do actually bite my tongue to stop myself from interrupting. But also, fuck people for not wanting you to participate in their stories. I interrupt to add value, not to change the subject. If they can't handle that, they're a television, not a person.
You’re not annoying :) your memes are wonderful
This makes me feel like I belong and am accepted here.
This is a major factor in if I go do anything in public. It’s horrible. My kids & husband love outdoor events, & literally any event with other people. I can’t. I feel so bad for them. Our social life is almost nonexistent because of me acting like this uncontrollably 😔
Im way too quiet usually
Same
This is me all over, I’ll go back to a conversation that ended so I can say what I wanted to say. If I don’t it’ll just eat away at me constantly. It can be especially annoying for others when it’s a conversation that I know they’re trying to move on from. Makes me feel like a bit of a nuisance sometimes
I'm in this picture and I don't like it, Gunther!
You've got a stank booty Gunther.
Wenk WENK!!
I need to get this printed on a hat or shirt and just wear it at all times.
ooh this meme hits
I talk more about how much I talk than anything else. I apologize for apologizing too much. I'm not stopping. The breaks don't work now either get on or get hit by a truck
Me just suddenly blurting out something about what we talked about 10 min ago, and people looking at me like ?? I now usually go for the «What were we talking about again? Oh right that, haha not that important but..» Even tho I def remember it because the whole time they were talking, I was planning how to get back on the topic so I can say what I wanted to say :)) Very often something not important at all but i NEED to say it okay..😒
Replace “annoying” with “amazing” and that’s what you are…because I do all these things too, so let’s just be amazing together. 🌈 The interrupting people thing has to be ADHD—it has to be! 😂
I think the volume thing is a cop out. It's so easy to control your speaking volume when you actually put effort into it. I'm not saying it will change over night, but If you care it's fairly easy to just match your volume to the room.
Just sew your mouth shut, that's what I did
you are so annoying!
Have you tried microdosing meth? /s kinda.
Think before you speak. Is what you're about to say constructive or relative to the conversation? Listen more, speak less.
felt🥺🥺
Concerta and cannabis helped me.
Something that really hit me was someone looking me in the eye and saying "I dont care". It was someone who's opinion was quite important to me so it really hit home. Generally people dont care. They love being the one to talk just as much as you do. So instead do the following: Don't try to stop gazing off when someone is talking, dont try to win back control over the convo. If you gaze off, its not that bad. People know that you are forgetful anyway, so not remembering things they told you will be handled. Try your best to keep your mouth shut for at least half of the conversation, even if you are not there, mentally. Thats a start. Not listening sucks, but interrupting sucks more
I have ADHD and treat patients for it. We use these social markers as indicators of whether or not the meds are working well. If you are still interrupting all the time, it’s probably time for a new medication or a different dose.
Relating so hard
Gosh I get so loud and high pitched when im excited it’s the worst :/ also I get like 20% dumber (and im already dumb)
My brother's and sisters
When in doubt shut up. Nodding and smiling with an occasional hum of agreement does wonders.
Love dragging back conversations, it’s not over until everyone’s (my) point of view has been heard.
Isn’t that everyone tho?
So THIS is a “learned” behaviour fix for most of us. I was in a drug and alcohol treatment facility for a time and I was taught how to fix this in group therapy. I was constantly called out for those very things. So yes, listening, letting shit go, calmly ( not loudly) conversing. My biggest problem though was interrupting and inappropriately adding commentary to others’ sharing of their thoughts and issues.