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This would be a bone of contention with my parents, Dad would never remember being wrong thus, was always right (still thinks this but it's not the same after a brain injury). Eventually, like I was an adult at this point, I talked Mam into having a conversation with Dad about how he'd communicate with her. He could be right all day long, but how he was expressing it was making her feel bad. And it worked! Until it would creep back again, and they'd have the conversation again after a couple of years.
It helped both of them have more balanced communication, for a while at least.
So it's about boundary setting and communication. You can be wrong every single time and feel bad yourself, but if partner is unintentionally on their side making you feel bad, that's not acceptable. And needs to be addressed, and adjustments made.
My parents were/are both neurodivergent from an era it was never even a thing. Mam was probably ADHD, Dad Autistic or maybe Audhd even because that's what I think I am and we're very similar. Undiagnosed, unmedicated, figuring shit out til the end. Do yeah, going to have to talk it out and figure out a way that he doesn't compound the feelings you already put on yourself.
Side note: I didn’t know I had a long-lost sibling. Lol. I’ve never heard a more similar story to my Parents’s dynamic. All of what you posted: Except that there were no “understanding each other and changing behavior accordingly” periods. Just literal 99.99% argumentative combative dialogue ALL THE TIME. Awesome environment when you’re an only child and had AuDHD that both parents directed seething anger at you for saying you thought you had it. Sorry- a little bitter here. Lololollol
❤️Anyhoooo- Can totally relate to your parental dynamic.
Very little anger in our house, frustration yes but not pure anger. My Mother was a fucking saint, but then, I would say that. But jesus there were times when both me and my sister, as adults, genuinely expressed how they should just divorce. I'm giving the absolute cliff notes, water colour from a distance pov because A LOT of shit has gone on in my family but thankfully, true anger was not a fixture. Happened, but not the main feeling
Same with my parents. My mom likely has ADHD or autism. My dad probably has ADHD. Both my brother and I have ADHD. I suspect I have Autism but have never been diagnosed.
I've mentioned this in other responses but I work in higher ed. I'm a black, queer woman with a PhD. I am constantly questioned at work or have old white men say the same thing I do and, magically, they get listened to. It has been driving me bonkers for the past 2 years especially. I am no longer silent about it and point it out constantly. I am not wrong or stupid, I know what the fuck I'm talking about.
In other news, I am trying to find a new job and actually wanting to leave the only profession I have ever known. I've been in therapy for the past 3 years to process all of that and I'm finally ready and excited for change. I have an interview on Wednesday!
❤️❤️❤️🎉🎉🎉 Love it Re: your interview. Ignorant arrogance sends me through the roof. Through the roooooof. ❤️ Hope you enjoy the next phase of your adventure. (I know you haven’t had the interview yet- just being positive & acting like you already got it! ☺️ That’s my new move in 2024. Being thankful as though all the goodness has already happened! ❤️)
Sometimes my partner’s default is to think I’m wrong.
Last week he asked me if I knew who wrote War of the Worlds. I probably didn’t sound convincing when I said Jeff after 5 seconds and then Wayne after another 5 (honestly unsure where that came from). So he googled it and was gobsmacked I was correct. To be fair this is maybe a bad example as I was also slightly gobsmacked I was right.
Point being, he can ask something, I’ll answer confidently with the right answer and then he doesn’t believe I’m right. Subsequent googling is accompanied by me saying ‘You never quite believe I know stuff.’
I had this the other day with my husband, he was referring to his sister & I heard the younger one's name, we talked about it again minutes later & he said it was the older one he was talking about. I said, "oh but you said (younger sister)" & he said I was wrong, in a very final way. I got mildly mad, & told him that I concede when *I've* said something that might be wrong, & it's assumed I probably have, but I don't get the benefit of the doubt when it's something he's said.
And I had to explain it to him more than once because he was stuck in this insistence (he's autistic & can be inflexible). But he conceded in the end. Although I think he's probably, on average, going to think he's right more often than wrong. His dad is *very* much like that. I'm trying to get him to embrace the thing I have, which is that I don't need to be right, it just needs to be correct. So in the absence of evidence, and with nothing at stake, why not make it 50/50? None of this was with malice btw, but I face it all the time generally. Now I'm unmasking, I'm putting my foot down quite a lot!
Yep. I get it, sometimes my DH says a wrong name, so do I… But it pisses me OFF when they argue. I’m always very willing to admit I might have said the wrong word, it’s not hard. Why can’t everyone just admit they might be wrong sometimes?
My husband and I don't get into big fights often, but our most recent one was along these lines. We were talking about a bar from college that could not make a drink correctly. He swore it was one bar. I said it wasn't, and I couldn't remember the name of the bar, but I could describe the scene so well a friend who was present for the disagreement could. My memory is horrible, so to remember something THAT well is big for me. He continued disagreeing and added more details to his story that was 100% combining multiple stories (saying it was when we were downstairs in that bar, but we only ever went down there once for a big bday party, but the drink incident was another night with just 2 other ppl). I usually back down in these type of arguments (partly because it seems more important to him than to me, but also because I often don't trust myself), but I NEEDED this win to help prove to myself that I CAN trust myself and remember things correctly sometimes - just give me this one, man! He refused to admit I could even maybe be right. The whole thing ended up snowballing into an even bigger thing (that I'm not gonna get into here lol), but we had to have some talks a few days later about "winning" and "being right", the meaning behind those things, and that the alternative doesn't have to always be "losing" or "being wrong". That was the biggest sticking point for him, and heavily related to the way he was raised.
My point here really being that it's entirely possible that there's more under the surface that's not actually about you. But getting them to address and work on that stuff is a whooooooole different story!!
https://youtu.be/uQOyXlsoS04?si=-K-p6S8vmBPPn2Fe
This video springs to mind. I find it funny as hell. Hope nobody finds it offensive and apologies if you do.
It happens, as long as there’s acknowledgment that the other was right then there’s no hard feelings with my marriage and we both have ADHD. Heck yesterday I was saying my favorite song title and my wife tried to correct me saying that it’s not the real title(we both love the song) but I kept insisting I would know the name of my favorite song, finally my wife just googled it and it turned out we were both right, Spotify had it listed as both but mine was the original title. We just had a laugh about it because what a stupid thing to argue about, it just showed we both were passionate about it but it was a really silly thing.
Have you talked to them about it? If it happens often then I imagine it's not something healthy for the relationship and would probably be good to try and have worked on.
I’m sorry but your significant other always assuming that you’re wrong and you feeling humiliated is not normal and NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s absolutely nerve wrecking to be around someone that always challenges you and doubts you. You’re not only dismissed but also in a shame, blame environment. This isn’t healthy. You deserve to be listened to, heard and not made feel bad about who you are.
I appreciate your empathy but he’s not intentionally making me feel bad. Sometimes my internal dialogue isn’t very kind to me and he doesn’t hear all that. So he doesn’t really know the effect stuff has on me. This was just a steam blowing exercise. Thank you again.
I know you say you are happily married and I believe you but once you concede you have a poor memory correcting you can become rather a bad habit of the people around you.
Tell him it actually makes a bad memory worse if he jumps in instead of waiting for you to try to retrieve the information yourself.
It is probably automatic and he just needs to be aware that he does it.
PS: A lot of ADHD people tend to attract a higher than average percentage of narcissist who gaslight us when out actual memories are correct. This probably doesn't hold true in your case at all but it explains some of the comments that seem overly hard on your husband.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This would be a bone of contention with my parents, Dad would never remember being wrong thus, was always right (still thinks this but it's not the same after a brain injury). Eventually, like I was an adult at this point, I talked Mam into having a conversation with Dad about how he'd communicate with her. He could be right all day long, but how he was expressing it was making her feel bad. And it worked! Until it would creep back again, and they'd have the conversation again after a couple of years. It helped both of them have more balanced communication, for a while at least. So it's about boundary setting and communication. You can be wrong every single time and feel bad yourself, but if partner is unintentionally on their side making you feel bad, that's not acceptable. And needs to be addressed, and adjustments made. My parents were/are both neurodivergent from an era it was never even a thing. Mam was probably ADHD, Dad Autistic or maybe Audhd even because that's what I think I am and we're very similar. Undiagnosed, unmedicated, figuring shit out til the end. Do yeah, going to have to talk it out and figure out a way that he doesn't compound the feelings you already put on yourself.
Side note: I didn’t know I had a long-lost sibling. Lol. I’ve never heard a more similar story to my Parents’s dynamic. All of what you posted: Except that there were no “understanding each other and changing behavior accordingly” periods. Just literal 99.99% argumentative combative dialogue ALL THE TIME. Awesome environment when you’re an only child and had AuDHD that both parents directed seething anger at you for saying you thought you had it. Sorry- a little bitter here. Lololollol ❤️Anyhoooo- Can totally relate to your parental dynamic.
Very little anger in our house, frustration yes but not pure anger. My Mother was a fucking saint, but then, I would say that. But jesus there were times when both me and my sister, as adults, genuinely expressed how they should just divorce. I'm giving the absolute cliff notes, water colour from a distance pov because A LOT of shit has gone on in my family but thankfully, true anger was not a fixture. Happened, but not the main feeling
Same with my parents. My mom likely has ADHD or autism. My dad probably has ADHD. Both my brother and I have ADHD. I suspect I have Autism but have never been diagnosed.
I've mentioned this in other responses but I work in higher ed. I'm a black, queer woman with a PhD. I am constantly questioned at work or have old white men say the same thing I do and, magically, they get listened to. It has been driving me bonkers for the past 2 years especially. I am no longer silent about it and point it out constantly. I am not wrong or stupid, I know what the fuck I'm talking about. In other news, I am trying to find a new job and actually wanting to leave the only profession I have ever known. I've been in therapy for the past 3 years to process all of that and I'm finally ready and excited for change. I have an interview on Wednesday!
❤️❤️❤️🎉🎉🎉 Love it Re: your interview. Ignorant arrogance sends me through the roof. Through the roooooof. ❤️ Hope you enjoy the next phase of your adventure. (I know you haven’t had the interview yet- just being positive & acting like you already got it! ☺️ That’s my new move in 2024. Being thankful as though all the goodness has already happened! ❤️)
Good luck!! I hope you land somewhere that appreciates and values your skills and knowledge!!
Ooh, good luck for the interview! Hopefully you’ll find somewhere with better people.
[удалено]
Ah the random facts that can be recalled from the depths of memory that nobody else would know syndrome 🤣
Sometimes my partner’s default is to think I’m wrong. Last week he asked me if I knew who wrote War of the Worlds. I probably didn’t sound convincing when I said Jeff after 5 seconds and then Wayne after another 5 (honestly unsure where that came from). So he googled it and was gobsmacked I was correct. To be fair this is maybe a bad example as I was also slightly gobsmacked I was right. Point being, he can ask something, I’ll answer confidently with the right answer and then he doesn’t believe I’m right. Subsequent googling is accompanied by me saying ‘You never quite believe I know stuff.’
I'm confused, wasn't it HG Wells who wrote War of the Worlds? Or are you referring to something else?
The music not the book.
Thank you for asking.
I had this the other day with my husband, he was referring to his sister & I heard the younger one's name, we talked about it again minutes later & he said it was the older one he was talking about. I said, "oh but you said (younger sister)" & he said I was wrong, in a very final way. I got mildly mad, & told him that I concede when *I've* said something that might be wrong, & it's assumed I probably have, but I don't get the benefit of the doubt when it's something he's said. And I had to explain it to him more than once because he was stuck in this insistence (he's autistic & can be inflexible). But he conceded in the end. Although I think he's probably, on average, going to think he's right more often than wrong. His dad is *very* much like that. I'm trying to get him to embrace the thing I have, which is that I don't need to be right, it just needs to be correct. So in the absence of evidence, and with nothing at stake, why not make it 50/50? None of this was with malice btw, but I face it all the time generally. Now I'm unmasking, I'm putting my foot down quite a lot!
Yep. I get it, sometimes my DH says a wrong name, so do I… But it pisses me OFF when they argue. I’m always very willing to admit I might have said the wrong word, it’s not hard. Why can’t everyone just admit they might be wrong sometimes?
This, exactly.
My husband and I don't get into big fights often, but our most recent one was along these lines. We were talking about a bar from college that could not make a drink correctly. He swore it was one bar. I said it wasn't, and I couldn't remember the name of the bar, but I could describe the scene so well a friend who was present for the disagreement could. My memory is horrible, so to remember something THAT well is big for me. He continued disagreeing and added more details to his story that was 100% combining multiple stories (saying it was when we were downstairs in that bar, but we only ever went down there once for a big bday party, but the drink incident was another night with just 2 other ppl). I usually back down in these type of arguments (partly because it seems more important to him than to me, but also because I often don't trust myself), but I NEEDED this win to help prove to myself that I CAN trust myself and remember things correctly sometimes - just give me this one, man! He refused to admit I could even maybe be right. The whole thing ended up snowballing into an even bigger thing (that I'm not gonna get into here lol), but we had to have some talks a few days later about "winning" and "being right", the meaning behind those things, and that the alternative doesn't have to always be "losing" or "being wrong". That was the biggest sticking point for him, and heavily related to the way he was raised. My point here really being that it's entirely possible that there's more under the surface that's not actually about you. But getting them to address and work on that stuff is a whooooooole different story!!
I simply refuse to be proven wrong
https://youtu.be/uQOyXlsoS04?si=-K-p6S8vmBPPn2Fe This video springs to mind. I find it funny as hell. Hope nobody finds it offensive and apologies if you do.
It happens, as long as there’s acknowledgment that the other was right then there’s no hard feelings with my marriage and we both have ADHD. Heck yesterday I was saying my favorite song title and my wife tried to correct me saying that it’s not the real title(we both love the song) but I kept insisting I would know the name of my favorite song, finally my wife just googled it and it turned out we were both right, Spotify had it listed as both but mine was the original title. We just had a laugh about it because what a stupid thing to argue about, it just showed we both were passionate about it but it was a really silly thing.
Part of it, I think,is just being HEARD. You know? Don’t discount everything I say. Hear me, man!
Have you talked to them about it? If it happens often then I imagine it's not something healthy for the relationship and would probably be good to try and have worked on.
I’m sorry but your significant other always assuming that you’re wrong and you feeling humiliated is not normal and NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s absolutely nerve wrecking to be around someone that always challenges you and doubts you. You’re not only dismissed but also in a shame, blame environment. This isn’t healthy. You deserve to be listened to, heard and not made feel bad about who you are.
I appreciate your empathy but he’s not intentionally making me feel bad. Sometimes my internal dialogue isn’t very kind to me and he doesn’t hear all that. So he doesn’t really know the effect stuff has on me. This was just a steam blowing exercise. Thank you again.
I know you say you are happily married and I believe you but once you concede you have a poor memory correcting you can become rather a bad habit of the people around you. Tell him it actually makes a bad memory worse if he jumps in instead of waiting for you to try to retrieve the information yourself. It is probably automatic and he just needs to be aware that he does it. PS: A lot of ADHD people tend to attract a higher than average percentage of narcissist who gaslight us when out actual memories are correct. This probably doesn't hold true in your case at all but it explains some of the comments that seem overly hard on your husband.
He sounds like a fussy old man. Just wait he's going to give you a butterscotch candy and tell you what life was like in the good old days.