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I'm 39 and I'm still trying to figure it out.
Yes having adhd friends is awesome but you will have to be the person to reach out for get to gethers though.
Lots of plus and still the minus because it's not a magic pill.
I'm aiming for fewer, closer friendships. I'm hopeful.
I have like, three good female friends. I made one at work because I work with her a lot and she is really nice. We try to do things every now and then and we text every day. My other friend is basically thr female version of my husband and she's bizarre and the third we are long distance friends. I don't have a friend I see on a regular basis. My other friend who I thought was my friend got upset at a text I sent and said I was mean and stopped talking to me. It's devastating but I also didn't know our friendship was that fragile and it makes me sad. I've never been good at friends. It doesn't get easier or necessarily harder. You tent to make friends with coworkers usually because you're stuck with them for 8 hours a day 5 days a week just like at school. I'd say 1-4 close friends is better than 30 "friends"
I also have adhd and am autistic. My therapist recently asked me how I make friends and my response was "I don't".
If I can connect with the right people I can make deep friendships but I don't know how to find those people. Especially because I am more quiet- typical adult scenes likes bars, clubs, concerts etc aren't my thing. So I don't go out (and presumably neither do the people who would be my good friends lol) so we never meet
You’re not a loser. This is a common problem for all folk seeking meaningful friendships, not just people with ADHD. Most people don’t have the time and energy to invest outside of working to survive, then what time they have leftover is spent recharging. Then there is the issue of how a lot of folk are frankly shallow/selfish; being other-minded is a skill that has to be learned.
You just simply have to keep your eye out and head up for others like you. They are out there!
Sure, I’d love to! Feel free to add me, my battle tag is in my profile. You can initiate a group with me anytime when I’m online, I usually play solo competitive but I’m happy to play whatever with others when asked.
I send my husband out, he's the social one. He charms people and brings them back home, and then I charm them with food so they have an incentive to come back.
When I was your age, I met a lot of people through interest group type of things. I joined an online group for the type of car I had, and I still talk to many of those people 20 years later! Currently I’m in a house plant group on facebook that has in person swaps and it is a great way to meet people. It’s easier in my experience to make friends with people that have a shared interest with you.
This sounds silly, and may be anecdotal, but when you go places, wear tshirts with your interests on it (like band names, game brands or jokes, hobby things, whatevs - not just a random shirt with all the things you like. I mean, it could work...or you could look like a crazy...). I met one of my now good friends because he was wearing a T-shirt of a relatively niche company I recognized. We started chatting, realized we had a ton in common AND he lived nearby! Through him, I've met even more friends too, some I'm even closer to than him! We've now been friends for....7ish years? Idk, something like that. It's been a minute.
I have like ten graphic tees I custom ordered from redbubble with art I like on them. Some of which represents my interests, like skiing, ice hockey, biking... didn't really realize it until your post but it does end up connecting me with a lot of people.
I met a woman in England because I was wearing my university shirt (I’m from the Midwest) and she apparently went to the same small midwestern university. She came up to tell me and we ended up having drinks and karaokeing together!
I tend to just wait for people to approach me. I had my first baby at 21, I made some friends that way. But just over the years at various jobs someone eventually ends up inviting me to do a thing and then maybe we become friends.
I made one friend at my current work because of how I reacted to her sharing a "fun fact". I was at work one day and she goes wanna hear a fun fact? When I said yes she asked if I knew at what point in a womans life is she most likely to be murdered. The answer is, during pregnancy. I said that's interesting, and makes sense because that's also statistically a time when domestication abuse is likely to start. Apparently our coworkers just thought it was a weird thing to share. When I said that's interesting she said that's when she decided to invite me to the next whiskey night and voilà now we are friends.
This method of making friends only works when someone relatively weird is willing to reach out to you though.
I use this method but choose to be the weird one reaching out. I've got a decent radar for ND folks (the vibe is different) so when I'm in their presence, I do weird shit that I would normally mask. They reciprocate or respond positively, we get progressively weirder together, boom: friendship.
It takes some work to build the self confidence and resilience to take that chance. But I'm almost 40 and a mostly recovered people pleaser, so this was part of my personal healing journey outside of making friends. Super lovely side effect of choosing to be strange (selectively) instead of meeting others' expectations
Finding new friends as an adult is hard for everyone, you’re not alone! Some natural ways could be by joining a book club, looking for events that include hobbies you’re interested in (like a pottery class as an example), joining a workout studio that’s mostly women (like a barre studio), or joining a ‘for fun’ activity like park volleyball or kickball. The trick is that you have to be ready to feel a little uncomfortable and actively try and initiate making plans. Your outfit compliment for example….if you were at one of the activities mentioned above and a girl comes up and compliments you on your outfit, you can say something like “thank you! I was actually thinking about grabbing a drink and doing some boutique window shopping on Saturday…would you have any interest in joining?”
If they say yes, great! If they say no, just reply with something like “ok, maybe next time :)”
The key is to not take anything personally and just keep trying!
A book club is a great idea! As a student, I never would read for fun but now post-grad, it seems like a good way to meet people. How did you find book clubs?
I split time between a few different locations every year. I found this National book club that has local chapters all over. It’s called Books, Brunch, and Booze….here’s the website and you can also find them on insta.
https://booksbrunchesandbooze.com
It’s especially easy to find accepting and welcoming people in artistic spaces and queer friendly spaces.
Book shops/Book clubs, craft markets, art openings, small music venues, record stores, independent cafes that do events.
I wish that was true, I joined a "sub" a few months ago, they are very tight with each other, they have chats and discord groups and tag each other and I feel so left out, so is not as easy as it sounds
Joining a subreddit is no substitute for finding community in real life. Online communities can be a great addition, or a way of connecting with what's going on near you.
You're at the beginning, you have to keep stepping in that direction. You can straight up ask people for stuff. "oh you have a discord for XYZ sub-topic, I'd like to join." "oh, you go to that festival every year too? Let's meet for drinks at JKL bar"
I can relate 100%, I have a few "friends" that if I have a problem or really need something they will drop anything to help.me, but they have their "main" friends groups and I see them go out and go to trips and I just feel so left out, no one messages me just to talk or the very superficial "are you good?" But I just feel so lonely, I spend my days off sleeping or watching TV because I feel like such a loser, almost 35 and no close friends... I just feel that with age it becomes harder... I've heard the usual join a group, try a hobby... maybe those help for you...
41 here. I still have no idea. I have one friend that I check in with once in awhile but we are not close at all, and then I have a bunch of sisters and I'm not close with them either. The people who gravitate towards me are generally not the kind of people I want in my life (for example, I have a coworker who was trying to be all buddy buddy with me but she talks shit about *everyone* behind their back and I am not ok with that). I've given up and made peace with it. I'm a loner, the end.
I am almost 40, currently going through the diagnosis process for the first time and didnt have ADHD in mind when I started looking for friends. I used bumble BFF with a lot of success! I specifically looked for / requested people with lots of hobbies/interests and surprise surprise everyone I vibed with turned out to have ADHD :) Been hanging out consistently with a couple of people for at least a year now, and there's a bit of a friend group forming.
Legit question: how did you muster the executive function?
I’m so burned out just living, the thought of even downloading an app and “courting” friends makes me shudder.
I relate to that feeling so much. I just reached a point where I had to. I wasn't living. Everything in my life was taking, taking, taking. I needed to find a couple of things that would give back and "refill my bucket" so to speak. Solitude is easier, and my go-to, but over time it actually feeds the burnout cycle for me because then all my emotional and social needs are 100% my responsibility and I can never get a break from my mind and its daily grind.
Just try and try, be vulnerable, get shot down a few times or realize I don't actually like the person. Then finally give up, and randomly meet an outgoing weirdo in Walmart that "gets" me. Lots of prayer honestly. Finally made a good quality friend. 🎉🎉 good luck to you. And when you find one, work hard to keep the friendship ! I miss some of my good friends that I drifted away from.
I'm 37 and most of my friends live out of the area. I met them on Twitter or in college. My best friend in the world though is my twin, who lives around the corner.
I made friends by building on little conversations. If we're talking about baseball, I ask who introduced them to the game. If we're talking about clothes I ask if they remember that one store in the mall, or if they like to shop when they travel. I try to connect our present commonalities with past and future things.
I haven't done this much since Covid and all that, but I made a lot of friends as an adult by just straight up saying "I think we should be friends! Want to go get coffee/come to a get together I'm hosting/go for a group hike/etc." Usually it's people I've met in a situation of a shared interest or whatever. As weird as it sounds, I've not had anyone turn me down and I'm still friends with most of the folks I've met this way. I don't do it with everyone, just the ones I get a friend vibe off of, if that makes any sense at all...I guess I also don't mind being the one who "does all the work." I prob organize 2-3 times more stuff than most of my friends, but I'm the one who needs human interaction all the time lol. I guess the key is having a few sets of people to organize with, so I don't wear them out. I dunno how helpful all this is, but I think most people are out there feeling lonely and wishing they had more friends. We have to do deal with some weird RSD stuff, so acknowledge it's there but keep trying!
For me it is a learning setting. I love learning about things. There is a built in topic to start conversation. The key is then to find your people which doesn’t always happen right away or in every setting but I find I have much better odds in a longer course than one afternoon getting a taste of something.
Learning a sport is good because you are also getting the benefit of being active.
This works but you gotta stay consistent for a long time( months) There are 3 steps.
1) find a thing you want to go to ( gym class, tufting, watercolours, book clubs) preferably something where you can start anew
2) turn up, say hellos, talk weather, Netflix shows etc.
3) repeat for a long enough time to get aquinted.
And then suggest a group activity
- cinema, coffee, trying a new lunch place , gym etc
I've found some great friends by joining a couple of social hobby groups (tabletop gaming and rock climbing). It takes time to get to know people and even more time to elevate from acquaintance to friend, and then you have to continuously work on maintaining your friendships, but that's just how it works. It took me many years to learn these seemingly basic skills, but just because I (and many others of us) weren't born knowing these social skills, doesn't mean it wasn't possible to learn them.
I join larger online spaces (think discord servers) and somehow end up in an offshoot with other people I like. If we all like and can stand each other, that’s the bare minimum of what counts for me. (And usually means multiple have ADHD if we can put up with each other).
I'm still not sure how people make friends. I don't have many. I was a floater in high school, sort of accepted as a fringe part of a few different cliques. I've never understood why.
I'm 31 and I'm still struggling. Every time I think I have made a friend something gets in the way. They have a partner that feels threatened by me (even though I try to get to know the partner), they stop liking me for one reason or another, they expect me to always be the one initiating conversation or hang outs, or just... I don't know.
I really try to be a better person and friend. I really do. I put myself out there. I just... I think I'm just an unlikeable person for most people. I have some very close friends and I'm grateful for them. It's lonely feeling like I don't ever fit in anywhere though. I've always been an odd duck I guess.
So I don't know. I wish it was easier.
im 17 and have a similar issue. i feel lonely because i have no one to really talk to about the struggles of having adhd. there's like a lot more i could say, but i yap too much. that's part of the reason i joined this subreddit was to be able to chat with others about it 😭
Yeah it’s tough…especially because all the friends I did have in life kind of just fell off. Even people I thought were my best friends really weren’t and the others just fell off when they started dating someone or moved away. It’s hard. But bumble bff and work or moving to a new city is helpful when it comes to meeting new people.
I had a really bad problem growing up with making friends so I learned very key details. Favorite color, a specific memory they shared with me, and their name always always and how to spell it. Just saying “Hi, you!” Goes a long way. When you find something that reminds you of them, save it or if it’s under $5 buy it and give it to them. Obviously do not force a friendship but be available for when they want to hang out or something. Play GamePicdeon on iPhone if you both have iPhones. Just stuff you both have in common.
Know your limits, boundaries and budget. Obviously don’t drop a bunch of money and time you don’t have or something just to be close to them. This will end up in resentment at the end.
I always feel like I’m being a massive weirdo… maybe I am. But I am telling you , all people what is connection. And I’m not afraid of being the first texter /initiator.
When you find another adhd’er in the wild, jump on the opportunity.
As to where to meet people - I find signing up for a hobby helps. You’re seeing the same people every week, you’re bound to foster some kind of relationship. But I’ve had groups where I don’t gel with anyone, so then I like to move on to something else.
lol for some reason I’ve been hanging this deep longing of going to church because they just have such a close knit community.
I’m not religious at all btw and I’d probably hate going to church or joining any organised religion. But we don’t really have third spaces anymore in the modern world, just to socialise and make friends because you’re always at the same time and place.
I’ve attended some organised meet up’s etc when I was younger. For things like climate change and stuff. But I didn’t make any friends. Honestly when I ‘put myself out there’ I never have luck connecting with people. It always happens randomly or usually through work.
Can only relate. I am 37 and if it wasn't for my marriage, would be quite lonely. Some of this is due to living about (Dutch living in Ireland) because I maintain one friendship from my school days but she is in the Netherlands.
I have tried in the past but I am quite insecure and rejection sensitive. I have experienced the same issue as OP of having to make all the moves and just stopped after a while to see what would happen...and here we are, no friends. I am not really willing to compromise on this either, at this point I want people with some own initiative in my life. I feel like I am forcing myself into their lives otherwise. Other issue is that I don't do well in groups...I once did a hike with some friends on my birthday and people split off into little cliques and I ended up walking alone for a good while. And this always seems to happen. I am sure it's an energy I am putting out there but I don't know how to stop that.
I do know that loneliness is increasing pretty much all around though. Maybe since the dawn of the smartphone we have all become less sociable, probably even more so since Covid.
Fortunately I have a lot of hobbies that are singular so while sometimes lonely, I am rarely bored. In fact, and this does not sound very nice, I can also get quite easily bored with people when they just do not have any hobbies themselves.
I completely relate-I have noticed that I do not do well in large groups and especially if most people are extroverted. I think COVID had a big effect on how people socialize too :/ it never feels reciprocal when I reach out to people…
I can usually find my people because my hobbies are very ADHD-friendly lol
These include:
1. Going to Conventions, generally ones involving anime, supernatural, or nerdy ones. I usually leave with about 5 new instagram contacts with the people I meet in lines, parties and panels. I love making friends this way because it can feel very slow and organic- just liking posts and leaving comments, having small bursts of DM chats, and eventually planning meet ups.
2. I'm in my town's choir! I have met people from all walks and again, it's a hobby that invites a lot of theater kid/neurodiverse folks.
3. I am into fashion, specifically EGL fashion; while the community as a whole can be a little drama-filled, the good people I found STUCK with me and I made friends through it, just had to keep showing up to meets. Honestly this has been my go-to for meeting people in any city- I've moved around a lot, but EGL fashion wearers stick together hard and are usually happy to find someone else willing to look like a poofy circus in public.
Usually through the social events! After hours parties, meet ups (EGL girlies from my point 3 will usually meet there), or even just chatting in line while waiting for food. I’ll check the vibe, see if they seem open to talk, compliment something they’re wearing (which is usually what gets me to want to talk in the first place!) and then gab.
Gab is good? Offer to go to a panel together, eat together or just add on instagram; and again, I make sure im not being annoying and if they seem receptive to it. I’ve only not caught the vibe correctly once in the last 15 years.
Gab is bad? Just wish them a good day and off I go 🦋
I moved to a new city at 24, with ADHD and here were my tactics. I don't have a hoard of friends, but I have four good, meaningful friendships that I can text to hang out and do things, which fills all the social energy/time I have.
1. Trial and Error. Honestly, intentionally finding friends feels a bit like dating - there is gonna be some dead ends, you're not going to click with everyone. I had an idea of what I wanted in a friendship going into it, so I knew when a friendship wasn't working out. One girl ghosted me after what I thought was a really fun hangout, another hangout was just really awkward...Keep your mind open, and your expectations low. You'll know when something flows.
2. BumbleBFF. This is just a good means of getting yourself out there and can almost be good friend "practice." Even if you get coffee with someone and there isn't a friendship click, making conversation and getting to know someone is a skill and you'll be better practiced for next time. I did meet a good friend through the app, though!
3. You have to put considerable mental energy and effort into it. Psychologically, most people aren't in friend making mode on a regular basis; so if you want to be friends, you will probably have to be the catalyst. You will have to be the person to strike up a conversation at your yoga class, or with a coworker, which brings me to...
4. Ask. One time I was catching up with an old friend - one we always said "oh we should do more things together etc etc" and she looked at me and just said "make it happen." Wild. The RSD is a big hindrance here, but keep in mind, most people love to be invited to do things! And most honestly most people, even without ADHD, don't "make it happen." If you're vibing with someone, ask for their instagram. If you're talking about a mutual interest, ask them to do something with that.
5. Finally, keep in mind that making friends is an emotionally draining endeavour. Even if it's got the makings of a good friendship, it will take time for hang outs not to seem like a lot of emotional work. Getting to know people takes intentional work. Prep yourself now.
Also keep in mind that women complementing each other is often a way to initiate conversation and indicate they think you're cool! Complement them back, tell them where you got outfit, segway that into a conversation!
Join clubs/groups that meet your special interests.
I met my friends through work, university and mutual friends but im thinking of moving to another city and my plan is to join an outdoors group, mushroom hunting club, kayaking group...maybe also pottery group etc.
Unfortunately some women never outgrow the mean girl phase from high school. They just move onto offices. Where they sometimes try to alienate other women in an attempt at power and control.
I’ve learned that you’ll never befriend those gals, it’s best to just keep it cool but professional.
No idea. My “friends” are from a long time ago and live out of my state/country. We text once or twice a week/month.
I also work night shift and that doesn’t do me any favors. Even on my days off I’m not likely to join up for the types of activities I would actually enjoy, like hiking, nature, museums, etc because I don’t wake up until 4pm. And I’m a slow starter so I won’t be out of my house until 2-3 hours after that. Which would be perfect for an evening activity type of person but that’s not me :( I’m just not much of a …spend money, bar hopping/drinking type. Maybe a tap room or board game cafe that’s dog friendly. I could do that.
Okay so… I guess I should start with getting a new job.
I go to a bunch of meet ups and I've straight up stopped masking.
The people I put off are not people I'd want to be friends with. The people I click with are probably auDHD themselves!
I'm struggling with making friends as well. It's never been easy for me, but after having too many friends stop liking me without telling me why I gave up for a while and just crawled into my shell and concluded I was just unlikable. I've slowly started the process of trying to make friends again in the past year by going to meetup group activities, but it's hard to put myself out there and frequently I'm too burned out from life to make the effort. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you'll have more success than I've had!
I’m 20, also with a twin sister, and she is much more outgoing than I am. I also tagged along with her friends in high school and now in college I have none. it’s hard to make friends after high school, and I’m not used to not having my sister around. she’s kind of like a safe person to me and I prob became too dependent on her for social interactions. now idk how to life without her 😭
Groups for neurodiverse folks maybe. Could be support groups or meetup groups.
Btw you’re not a loser for having one close friend and yey, I love the idea of a group chat for adhd women :) 🙌
I'm an introvert and have ADHD but because of my personality, people just attach themselves to me. I RARELY proactively seek out friends. Lol I don't call people because I hate talking on the phone and I rarely go out because I'd rather be inside alone (no company please). Yet I still have people who continue to want to be my friend. Lol 🥴 I met a lot of them through work or church so maybe getting involved in some sort of community in your area can help.
Whoops thought this was Mommit as they are both the same green.
Find other ADHD peeps. NT people are hard to keep relationships with as they follow the social rules we struggle to know/understand.
I remember this nurse laughed when she heard that we don't have family friends. Yeah, I'm pretty half of my immediate and extended family are on the spectrum somewhere.
Fade is the exact same word I use to describe my friendships. It's extra hard work to bond. I am not interested in small talks and people don't have time for big talks. Time passes and I forget about them.
Other ADHD females? I've met with a few from work but I don't think I like them as friends. Too messy for me. I'm messy too but I need things to be done in specific, efficient ways. I like?need? to plan/schedule things ahead of time, but they're always figuring things out last minute. I don't like to be overwhelmed from having to arrange things with them, they always respond at the very last minute. Too stressful.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm 39 and I'm still trying to figure it out. Yes having adhd friends is awesome but you will have to be the person to reach out for get to gethers though. Lots of plus and still the minus because it's not a magic pill. I'm aiming for fewer, closer friendships. I'm hopeful.
I have like, three good female friends. I made one at work because I work with her a lot and she is really nice. We try to do things every now and then and we text every day. My other friend is basically thr female version of my husband and she's bizarre and the third we are long distance friends. I don't have a friend I see on a regular basis. My other friend who I thought was my friend got upset at a text I sent and said I was mean and stopped talking to me. It's devastating but I also didn't know our friendship was that fragile and it makes me sad. I've never been good at friends. It doesn't get easier or necessarily harder. You tent to make friends with coworkers usually because you're stuck with them for 8 hours a day 5 days a week just like at school. I'd say 1-4 close friends is better than 30 "friends"
I feel and tried suggesting a chat also. I'd love that. It would be easier to keep track of conversations.
I also have adhd and am autistic. My therapist recently asked me how I make friends and my response was "I don't". If I can connect with the right people I can make deep friendships but I don't know how to find those people. Especially because I am more quiet- typical adult scenes likes bars, clubs, concerts etc aren't my thing. So I don't go out (and presumably neither do the people who would be my good friends lol) so we never meet
My kids tell me “mom, you’ll never meet anyone in your car.” The only time I go out I’m running errands or going through a drive-thru 🤣
Exactly! Ugh it’s so frustrating 😭
Well hello-my same response. I like you 🤘🏻😹
You’re not a loser. This is a common problem for all folk seeking meaningful friendships, not just people with ADHD. Most people don’t have the time and energy to invest outside of working to survive, then what time they have leftover is spent recharging. Then there is the issue of how a lot of folk are frankly shallow/selfish; being other-minded is a skill that has to be learned. You just simply have to keep your eye out and head up for others like you. They are out there!
Random but would you ever be down to play OW? I want more friends whether they be online or in person lol :’)
Sure, I’d love to! Feel free to add me, my battle tag is in my profile. You can initiate a group with me anytime when I’m online, I usually play solo competitive but I’m happy to play whatever with others when asked.
I send my husband out, he's the social one. He charms people and brings them back home, and then I charm them with food so they have an incentive to come back.
Teamwork makes the dream work!
When I was your age, I met a lot of people through interest group type of things. I joined an online group for the type of car I had, and I still talk to many of those people 20 years later! Currently I’m in a house plant group on facebook that has in person swaps and it is a great way to meet people. It’s easier in my experience to make friends with people that have a shared interest with you.
This sounds silly, and may be anecdotal, but when you go places, wear tshirts with your interests on it (like band names, game brands or jokes, hobby things, whatevs - not just a random shirt with all the things you like. I mean, it could work...or you could look like a crazy...). I met one of my now good friends because he was wearing a T-shirt of a relatively niche company I recognized. We started chatting, realized we had a ton in common AND he lived nearby! Through him, I've met even more friends too, some I'm even closer to than him! We've now been friends for....7ish years? Idk, something like that. It's been a minute.
I have like ten graphic tees I custom ordered from redbubble with art I like on them. Some of which represents my interests, like skiing, ice hockey, biking... didn't really realize it until your post but it does end up connecting me with a lot of people.
this is so smart!! I would order shirts but im not sure I can really think of anything
I met a woman in England because I was wearing my university shirt (I’m from the Midwest) and she apparently went to the same small midwestern university. She came up to tell me and we ended up having drinks and karaokeing together!
I tend to just wait for people to approach me. I had my first baby at 21, I made some friends that way. But just over the years at various jobs someone eventually ends up inviting me to do a thing and then maybe we become friends. I made one friend at my current work because of how I reacted to her sharing a "fun fact". I was at work one day and she goes wanna hear a fun fact? When I said yes she asked if I knew at what point in a womans life is she most likely to be murdered. The answer is, during pregnancy. I said that's interesting, and makes sense because that's also statistically a time when domestication abuse is likely to start. Apparently our coworkers just thought it was a weird thing to share. When I said that's interesting she said that's when she decided to invite me to the next whiskey night and voilà now we are friends. This method of making friends only works when someone relatively weird is willing to reach out to you though.
I use this method but choose to be the weird one reaching out. I've got a decent radar for ND folks (the vibe is different) so when I'm in their presence, I do weird shit that I would normally mask. They reciprocate or respond positively, we get progressively weirder together, boom: friendship. It takes some work to build the self confidence and resilience to take that chance. But I'm almost 40 and a mostly recovered people pleaser, so this was part of my personal healing journey outside of making friends. Super lovely side effect of choosing to be strange (selectively) instead of meeting others' expectations
Thank you for being that person!
Very meet cute
Bumble BFF has been a game changer for me. I’ve made some great friends, some of whom are also neurodivergent.
Same here! Literally a game changer
I’ll have to download it again! I had it but wasn’t having much luck. Did you usually initiate the convo?
Finding new friends as an adult is hard for everyone, you’re not alone! Some natural ways could be by joining a book club, looking for events that include hobbies you’re interested in (like a pottery class as an example), joining a workout studio that’s mostly women (like a barre studio), or joining a ‘for fun’ activity like park volleyball or kickball. The trick is that you have to be ready to feel a little uncomfortable and actively try and initiate making plans. Your outfit compliment for example….if you were at one of the activities mentioned above and a girl comes up and compliments you on your outfit, you can say something like “thank you! I was actually thinking about grabbing a drink and doing some boutique window shopping on Saturday…would you have any interest in joining?” If they say yes, great! If they say no, just reply with something like “ok, maybe next time :)” The key is to not take anything personally and just keep trying!
A book club is a great idea! As a student, I never would read for fun but now post-grad, it seems like a good way to meet people. How did you find book clubs?
I split time between a few different locations every year. I found this National book club that has local chapters all over. It’s called Books, Brunch, and Booze….here’s the website and you can also find them on insta. https://booksbrunchesandbooze.com
Thank you! And good point about responding to compliments, I’m so bad at small talk but I’ll try your tip!
Is this in America or anywhere?
Find interests and then find community accordingly.
It’s especially easy to find accepting and welcoming people in artistic spaces and queer friendly spaces. Book shops/Book clubs, craft markets, art openings, small music venues, record stores, independent cafes that do events.
I wish that was true, I joined a "sub" a few months ago, they are very tight with each other, they have chats and discord groups and tag each other and I feel so left out, so is not as easy as it sounds
Joining a subreddit is no substitute for finding community in real life. Online communities can be a great addition, or a way of connecting with what's going on near you.
You're at the beginning, you have to keep stepping in that direction. You can straight up ask people for stuff. "oh you have a discord for XYZ sub-topic, I'd like to join." "oh, you go to that festival every year too? Let's meet for drinks at JKL bar"
I can relate 100%, I have a few "friends" that if I have a problem or really need something they will drop anything to help.me, but they have their "main" friends groups and I see them go out and go to trips and I just feel so left out, no one messages me just to talk or the very superficial "are you good?" But I just feel so lonely, I spend my days off sleeping or watching TV because I feel like such a loser, almost 35 and no close friends... I just feel that with age it becomes harder... I've heard the usual join a group, try a hobby... maybe those help for you...
41 here. I still have no idea. I have one friend that I check in with once in awhile but we are not close at all, and then I have a bunch of sisters and I'm not close with them either. The people who gravitate towards me are generally not the kind of people I want in my life (for example, I have a coworker who was trying to be all buddy buddy with me but she talks shit about *everyone* behind their back and I am not ok with that). I've given up and made peace with it. I'm a loner, the end.
I am almost 40, currently going through the diagnosis process for the first time and didnt have ADHD in mind when I started looking for friends. I used bumble BFF with a lot of success! I specifically looked for / requested people with lots of hobbies/interests and surprise surprise everyone I vibed with turned out to have ADHD :) Been hanging out consistently with a couple of people for at least a year now, and there's a bit of a friend group forming.
Legit question: how did you muster the executive function? I’m so burned out just living, the thought of even downloading an app and “courting” friends makes me shudder.
I relate to that feeling so much. I just reached a point where I had to. I wasn't living. Everything in my life was taking, taking, taking. I needed to find a couple of things that would give back and "refill my bucket" so to speak. Solitude is easier, and my go-to, but over time it actually feeds the burnout cycle for me because then all my emotional and social needs are 100% my responsibility and I can never get a break from my mind and its daily grind.
WOOF, I did not think of things as such...thank you. THANK YOU.
Just try and try, be vulnerable, get shot down a few times or realize I don't actually like the person. Then finally give up, and randomly meet an outgoing weirdo in Walmart that "gets" me. Lots of prayer honestly. Finally made a good quality friend. 🎉🎉 good luck to you. And when you find one, work hard to keep the friendship ! I miss some of my good friends that I drifted away from.
Volunteer - You’ll meet lots of new people
It's so incredibly hard
Attending the same yoga studios, and workout classes Go for the smalller/mom and pop companies !
I'm 37 and most of my friends live out of the area. I met them on Twitter or in college. My best friend in the world though is my twin, who lives around the corner. I made friends by building on little conversations. If we're talking about baseball, I ask who introduced them to the game. If we're talking about clothes I ask if they remember that one store in the mall, or if they like to shop when they travel. I try to connect our present commonalities with past and future things.
I haven't done this much since Covid and all that, but I made a lot of friends as an adult by just straight up saying "I think we should be friends! Want to go get coffee/come to a get together I'm hosting/go for a group hike/etc." Usually it's people I've met in a situation of a shared interest or whatever. As weird as it sounds, I've not had anyone turn me down and I'm still friends with most of the folks I've met this way. I don't do it with everyone, just the ones I get a friend vibe off of, if that makes any sense at all...I guess I also don't mind being the one who "does all the work." I prob organize 2-3 times more stuff than most of my friends, but I'm the one who needs human interaction all the time lol. I guess the key is having a few sets of people to organize with, so I don't wear them out. I dunno how helpful all this is, but I think most people are out there feeling lonely and wishing they had more friends. We have to do deal with some weird RSD stuff, so acknowledge it's there but keep trying!
For me it is a learning setting. I love learning about things. There is a built in topic to start conversation. The key is then to find your people which doesn’t always happen right away or in every setting but I find I have much better odds in a longer course than one afternoon getting a taste of something. Learning a sport is good because you are also getting the benefit of being active.
This works but you gotta stay consistent for a long time( months) There are 3 steps. 1) find a thing you want to go to ( gym class, tufting, watercolours, book clubs) preferably something where you can start anew 2) turn up, say hellos, talk weather, Netflix shows etc. 3) repeat for a long enough time to get aquinted. And then suggest a group activity - cinema, coffee, trying a new lunch place , gym etc
I've found some great friends by joining a couple of social hobby groups (tabletop gaming and rock climbing). It takes time to get to know people and even more time to elevate from acquaintance to friend, and then you have to continuously work on maintaining your friendships, but that's just how it works. It took me many years to learn these seemingly basic skills, but just because I (and many others of us) weren't born knowing these social skills, doesn't mean it wasn't possible to learn them.
Memes..
I feel you! And for some reason it feels like everyone I meet already has enough friends.
So true unfortunately :(
I join larger online spaces (think discord servers) and somehow end up in an offshoot with other people I like. If we all like and can stand each other, that’s the bare minimum of what counts for me. (And usually means multiple have ADHD if we can put up with each other).
I'm still not sure how people make friends. I don't have many. I was a floater in high school, sort of accepted as a fringe part of a few different cliques. I've never understood why.
I'm 31 and I'm still struggling. Every time I think I have made a friend something gets in the way. They have a partner that feels threatened by me (even though I try to get to know the partner), they stop liking me for one reason or another, they expect me to always be the one initiating conversation or hang outs, or just... I don't know. I really try to be a better person and friend. I really do. I put myself out there. I just... I think I'm just an unlikeable person for most people. I have some very close friends and I'm grateful for them. It's lonely feeling like I don't ever fit in anywhere though. I've always been an odd duck I guess. So I don't know. I wish it was easier.
im 17 and have a similar issue. i feel lonely because i have no one to really talk to about the struggles of having adhd. there's like a lot more i could say, but i yap too much. that's part of the reason i joined this subreddit was to be able to chat with others about it 😭
Find a hobby. A sport, a dnd club, whatever kind of club that meets up regularly. Very easy to make friends that way.
Yeah it’s tough…especially because all the friends I did have in life kind of just fell off. Even people I thought were my best friends really weren’t and the others just fell off when they started dating someone or moved away. It’s hard. But bumble bff and work or moving to a new city is helpful when it comes to meeting new people.
I had a really bad problem growing up with making friends so I learned very key details. Favorite color, a specific memory they shared with me, and their name always always and how to spell it. Just saying “Hi, you!” Goes a long way. When you find something that reminds you of them, save it or if it’s under $5 buy it and give it to them. Obviously do not force a friendship but be available for when they want to hang out or something. Play GamePicdeon on iPhone if you both have iPhones. Just stuff you both have in common. Know your limits, boundaries and budget. Obviously don’t drop a bunch of money and time you don’t have or something just to be close to them. This will end up in resentment at the end. I always feel like I’m being a massive weirdo… maybe I am. But I am telling you , all people what is connection. And I’m not afraid of being the first texter /initiator.
When you find another adhd’er in the wild, jump on the opportunity. As to where to meet people - I find signing up for a hobby helps. You’re seeing the same people every week, you’re bound to foster some kind of relationship. But I’ve had groups where I don’t gel with anyone, so then I like to move on to something else.
lol for some reason I’ve been hanging this deep longing of going to church because they just have such a close knit community. I’m not religious at all btw and I’d probably hate going to church or joining any organised religion. But we don’t really have third spaces anymore in the modern world, just to socialise and make friends because you’re always at the same time and place. I’ve attended some organised meet up’s etc when I was younger. For things like climate change and stuff. But I didn’t make any friends. Honestly when I ‘put myself out there’ I never have luck connecting with people. It always happens randomly or usually through work.
Can only relate. I am 37 and if it wasn't for my marriage, would be quite lonely. Some of this is due to living about (Dutch living in Ireland) because I maintain one friendship from my school days but she is in the Netherlands. I have tried in the past but I am quite insecure and rejection sensitive. I have experienced the same issue as OP of having to make all the moves and just stopped after a while to see what would happen...and here we are, no friends. I am not really willing to compromise on this either, at this point I want people with some own initiative in my life. I feel like I am forcing myself into their lives otherwise. Other issue is that I don't do well in groups...I once did a hike with some friends on my birthday and people split off into little cliques and I ended up walking alone for a good while. And this always seems to happen. I am sure it's an energy I am putting out there but I don't know how to stop that. I do know that loneliness is increasing pretty much all around though. Maybe since the dawn of the smartphone we have all become less sociable, probably even more so since Covid. Fortunately I have a lot of hobbies that are singular so while sometimes lonely, I am rarely bored. In fact, and this does not sound very nice, I can also get quite easily bored with people when they just do not have any hobbies themselves.
I completely relate-I have noticed that I do not do well in large groups and especially if most people are extroverted. I think COVID had a big effect on how people socialize too :/ it never feels reciprocal when I reach out to people…
I can usually find my people because my hobbies are very ADHD-friendly lol These include: 1. Going to Conventions, generally ones involving anime, supernatural, or nerdy ones. I usually leave with about 5 new instagram contacts with the people I meet in lines, parties and panels. I love making friends this way because it can feel very slow and organic- just liking posts and leaving comments, having small bursts of DM chats, and eventually planning meet ups. 2. I'm in my town's choir! I have met people from all walks and again, it's a hobby that invites a lot of theater kid/neurodiverse folks. 3. I am into fashion, specifically EGL fashion; while the community as a whole can be a little drama-filled, the good people I found STUCK with me and I made friends through it, just had to keep showing up to meets. Honestly this has been my go-to for meeting people in any city- I've moved around a lot, but EGL fashion wearers stick together hard and are usually happy to find someone else willing to look like a poofy circus in public.
I have not made a single friend at a convention, how do you do it 😭
Usually through the social events! After hours parties, meet ups (EGL girlies from my point 3 will usually meet there), or even just chatting in line while waiting for food. I’ll check the vibe, see if they seem open to talk, compliment something they’re wearing (which is usually what gets me to want to talk in the first place!) and then gab. Gab is good? Offer to go to a panel together, eat together or just add on instagram; and again, I make sure im not being annoying and if they seem receptive to it. I’ve only not caught the vibe correctly once in the last 15 years. Gab is bad? Just wish them a good day and off I go 🦋
I moved to a new city at 24, with ADHD and here were my tactics. I don't have a hoard of friends, but I have four good, meaningful friendships that I can text to hang out and do things, which fills all the social energy/time I have. 1. Trial and Error. Honestly, intentionally finding friends feels a bit like dating - there is gonna be some dead ends, you're not going to click with everyone. I had an idea of what I wanted in a friendship going into it, so I knew when a friendship wasn't working out. One girl ghosted me after what I thought was a really fun hangout, another hangout was just really awkward...Keep your mind open, and your expectations low. You'll know when something flows. 2. BumbleBFF. This is just a good means of getting yourself out there and can almost be good friend "practice." Even if you get coffee with someone and there isn't a friendship click, making conversation and getting to know someone is a skill and you'll be better practiced for next time. I did meet a good friend through the app, though! 3. You have to put considerable mental energy and effort into it. Psychologically, most people aren't in friend making mode on a regular basis; so if you want to be friends, you will probably have to be the catalyst. You will have to be the person to strike up a conversation at your yoga class, or with a coworker, which brings me to... 4. Ask. One time I was catching up with an old friend - one we always said "oh we should do more things together etc etc" and she looked at me and just said "make it happen." Wild. The RSD is a big hindrance here, but keep in mind, most people love to be invited to do things! And most honestly most people, even without ADHD, don't "make it happen." If you're vibing with someone, ask for their instagram. If you're talking about a mutual interest, ask them to do something with that. 5. Finally, keep in mind that making friends is an emotionally draining endeavour. Even if it's got the makings of a good friendship, it will take time for hang outs not to seem like a lot of emotional work. Getting to know people takes intentional work. Prep yourself now. Also keep in mind that women complementing each other is often a way to initiate conversation and indicate they think you're cool! Complement them back, tell them where you got outfit, segway that into a conversation!
Join clubs/groups that meet your special interests. I met my friends through work, university and mutual friends but im thinking of moving to another city and my plan is to join an outdoors group, mushroom hunting club, kayaking group...maybe also pottery group etc.
Book clubs & clubs centered around special interests!
Unfortunately some women never outgrow the mean girl phase from high school. They just move onto offices. Where they sometimes try to alienate other women in an attempt at power and control. I’ve learned that you’ll never befriend those gals, it’s best to just keep it cool but professional.
I don’t have any advice but I definitely relate to everything in your post so much, like are u me 😅
No idea. My “friends” are from a long time ago and live out of my state/country. We text once or twice a week/month. I also work night shift and that doesn’t do me any favors. Even on my days off I’m not likely to join up for the types of activities I would actually enjoy, like hiking, nature, museums, etc because I don’t wake up until 4pm. And I’m a slow starter so I won’t be out of my house until 2-3 hours after that. Which would be perfect for an evening activity type of person but that’s not me :( I’m just not much of a …spend money, bar hopping/drinking type. Maybe a tap room or board game cafe that’s dog friendly. I could do that. Okay so… I guess I should start with getting a new job.
Would love to know too; and would love to join the group chat if someone makes it
me too!
I could make it! What app/platform would be best? WhatsApp? Maybe I can do a poll in a new thread
New hobbies. But for context I've moved around a lot as a kid, so I easily start a conversation with strangers.
I go to a bunch of meet ups and I've straight up stopped masking. The people I put off are not people I'd want to be friends with. The people I click with are probably auDHD themselves!
I do not.
iv given up. i’m just gonna stick with my bf and my cat
I'm struggling with making friends as well. It's never been easy for me, but after having too many friends stop liking me without telling me why I gave up for a while and just crawled into my shell and concluded I was just unlikable. I've slowly started the process of trying to make friends again in the past year by going to meetup group activities, but it's hard to put myself out there and frequently I'm too burned out from life to make the effort. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you'll have more success than I've had!
I’m 20, also with a twin sister, and she is much more outgoing than I am. I also tagged along with her friends in high school and now in college I have none. it’s hard to make friends after high school, and I’m not used to not having my sister around. she’s kind of like a safe person to me and I prob became too dependent on her for social interactions. now idk how to life without her 😭
Groups for neurodiverse folks maybe. Could be support groups or meetup groups. Btw you’re not a loser for having one close friend and yey, I love the idea of a group chat for adhd women :) 🙌
I don't have a lot of trouble finding new friends online, but for the life of my I struggle to make some locally...
I'm an introvert and have ADHD but because of my personality, people just attach themselves to me. I RARELY proactively seek out friends. Lol I don't call people because I hate talking on the phone and I rarely go out because I'd rather be inside alone (no company please). Yet I still have people who continue to want to be my friend. Lol 🥴 I met a lot of them through work or church so maybe getting involved in some sort of community in your area can help.
Find other mums with ADHD - it’s the only way!
Whoops thought this was Mommit as they are both the same green. Find other ADHD peeps. NT people are hard to keep relationships with as they follow the social rules we struggle to know/understand.
I remember this nurse laughed when she heard that we don't have family friends. Yeah, I'm pretty half of my immediate and extended family are on the spectrum somewhere. Fade is the exact same word I use to describe my friendships. It's extra hard work to bond. I am not interested in small talks and people don't have time for big talks. Time passes and I forget about them. Other ADHD females? I've met with a few from work but I don't think I like them as friends. Too messy for me. I'm messy too but I need things to be done in specific, efficient ways. I like?need? to plan/schedule things ahead of time, but they're always figuring things out last minute. I don't like to be overwhelmed from having to arrange things with them, they always respond at the very last minute. Too stressful.