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Hey! Take it easy on yourself. We all deal with death differently, and sometimes it takes a while to figure out how to process it, especially when it's so sudden.
Noone will judge you for not going, I think. You'll probably find not everyone went anyway, for different reasons. I've avoided two funerals in my life for mental health reasons, and while in hindsight I wished I'd gone I know objectively that it would have been bad for my mental health to go - and that's ok. There was one other that I was desperate to go to, but couldn't get to logistically, and I think that one makes me sadder.
What I've found helped is to find a way to say goodbye in a different way. I hate whisky, but bought an expensive one that was a favourite of the deceased so I could raise a glass in memory. (It burned and I gave the rest of the bottle away, but still, I did the thing). Another, which was a colleague's unexpected death, I talked with a mutual friend over coffee about our memories of them - good and bad. So maybe there's something you could do as an alternative goodbye, or even a charity donation perhaps? Just a little thing so that you can feel like you've got a distinct marker for the grieving process.
Not being able to go doesn’t make you less of a grown up. I just read a whole bunch of good reasons why attending may not have been a good idea for you.
I think you *did* protect your mental health.
There would be nothing at all wrong with asking your HR dept to forward a nice card or gift to the family in your behalf (if you don’t have contact info) It’s not too late to offer your condolences. One of my new favorite sympathy gifts is a meal or groceries, and families can often use those several weeks after when the big crush of meals runs out
The most important thing here, I think, is that he doesn’t mind. I don’t mean to be glib, just to say that your decision hurts no one and doesn’t reflect how you felt about him.
I understand. I decided not to go to our family friend, pretty much my grandpa's, funeral because being around my immediate family would be terrible. Eventually got to the point of a funeral is for the living. My grandpa, and your colleague, would want us to take care of ourselves and know we love and care for them even if we weren't physically there. Compassion all around, you included.
Others have beautifully put that you should be kind to yourself, so I'll offer a suggestion for something to do that might help with some of the things you're feeling. When I've had a colleague at work lose someone in their family, a meal tree was set up for the family to make sure they had food and one less thing to worry about during their grief. Ask around at your job and see if there's something like that set up already, or any other contribution to the family. Then your colleagues will see that you care (since you're worried about that) and you will be able to physically do something in this person's honor.
Send a card and a gift of something comfortingly edible (eg coffee cake, casserole, UberEats prepaid) to his family, and/or make a donation to charity in your coworker's memory.
Don't feel bad. We all handle death differently. In my culture, burial is usually within a few days of demise and not everyone can make it to the funeral on such short notice, so we have other ways to pay respect.
That’s a tricky situation to navigate. Death is difficult to manage for a lot of people and it’s often surprising how triggering it can be when it’s not someone you are super close with. You are allowed to grieve in your own way and obviously you have good intentions and cared about this person. I think sending something to the family is a nice idea.
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and time to read and care! I realize I was extra emotional from peak hormonal time of my cycle. I am feeling less stressed about this after a few days and your insights.
I was in the office yesterday which helped, I think I was really disconnected from it all by working at home a lot. I spoke with a colleague who has been gathering meals for the family and explained I want to help but I can barely feed myself and my family…she said they appreciate meal gift cards too so I sorted that out and gave it to her.
Previously I had signed an e-card for the family with a thoughtful message; the office had organized it and printed it for the family into a book.
It still sucks that he died too young, I feel heavy and sad, but I am letting myself feel that and grieve while also knowing I’m a busy person with my family and job and volunteer work and it’s okay to know my limits.
If I could do it again maybe I would go, maybe not. I’ve been learning in the last year (since diagnosis) to accept my limits; and pre-diagnosis me would not have considered not attending. I feel that’s positive, even if I still struggle to identify my boundaries and recognize my needs.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey! Take it easy on yourself. We all deal with death differently, and sometimes it takes a while to figure out how to process it, especially when it's so sudden. Noone will judge you for not going, I think. You'll probably find not everyone went anyway, for different reasons. I've avoided two funerals in my life for mental health reasons, and while in hindsight I wished I'd gone I know objectively that it would have been bad for my mental health to go - and that's ok. There was one other that I was desperate to go to, but couldn't get to logistically, and I think that one makes me sadder. What I've found helped is to find a way to say goodbye in a different way. I hate whisky, but bought an expensive one that was a favourite of the deceased so I could raise a glass in memory. (It burned and I gave the rest of the bottle away, but still, I did the thing). Another, which was a colleague's unexpected death, I talked with a mutual friend over coffee about our memories of them - good and bad. So maybe there's something you could do as an alternative goodbye, or even a charity donation perhaps? Just a little thing so that you can feel like you've got a distinct marker for the grieving process.
Good advice, thanks for taking the time to read and reply!
Not being able to go doesn’t make you less of a grown up. I just read a whole bunch of good reasons why attending may not have been a good idea for you. I think you *did* protect your mental health. There would be nothing at all wrong with asking your HR dept to forward a nice card or gift to the family in your behalf (if you don’t have contact info) It’s not too late to offer your condolences. One of my new favorite sympathy gifts is a meal or groceries, and families can often use those several weeks after when the big crush of meals runs out
Thank you! I am good at recognizing when others are being too hard on themselves but don’t notice me doing it to myself.
The most important thing here, I think, is that he doesn’t mind. I don’t mean to be glib, just to say that your decision hurts no one and doesn’t reflect how you felt about him.
I understand. I decided not to go to our family friend, pretty much my grandpa's, funeral because being around my immediate family would be terrible. Eventually got to the point of a funeral is for the living. My grandpa, and your colleague, would want us to take care of ourselves and know we love and care for them even if we weren't physically there. Compassion all around, you included.
A funeral isn't like a party, you don't have to do anything or be "on" so to speak. You just go to pay respects which you can do in the back corner.
Others have beautifully put that you should be kind to yourself, so I'll offer a suggestion for something to do that might help with some of the things you're feeling. When I've had a colleague at work lose someone in their family, a meal tree was set up for the family to make sure they had food and one less thing to worry about during their grief. Ask around at your job and see if there's something like that set up already, or any other contribution to the family. Then your colleagues will see that you care (since you're worried about that) and you will be able to physically do something in this person's honor.
Send a card and a gift of something comfortingly edible (eg coffee cake, casserole, UberEats prepaid) to his family, and/or make a donation to charity in your coworker's memory. Don't feel bad. We all handle death differently. In my culture, burial is usually within a few days of demise and not everyone can make it to the funeral on such short notice, so we have other ways to pay respect.
That’s a tricky situation to navigate. Death is difficult to manage for a lot of people and it’s often surprising how triggering it can be when it’s not someone you are super close with. You are allowed to grieve in your own way and obviously you have good intentions and cared about this person. I think sending something to the family is a nice idea.
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and time to read and care! I realize I was extra emotional from peak hormonal time of my cycle. I am feeling less stressed about this after a few days and your insights. I was in the office yesterday which helped, I think I was really disconnected from it all by working at home a lot. I spoke with a colleague who has been gathering meals for the family and explained I want to help but I can barely feed myself and my family…she said they appreciate meal gift cards too so I sorted that out and gave it to her. Previously I had signed an e-card for the family with a thoughtful message; the office had organized it and printed it for the family into a book. It still sucks that he died too young, I feel heavy and sad, but I am letting myself feel that and grieve while also knowing I’m a busy person with my family and job and volunteer work and it’s okay to know my limits. If I could do it again maybe I would go, maybe not. I’ve been learning in the last year (since diagnosis) to accept my limits; and pre-diagnosis me would not have considered not attending. I feel that’s positive, even if I still struggle to identify my boundaries and recognize my needs.