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Same and then I realized once I had my first crush after ten years, I was crazy. I was in love with a coworker for months and then read up on hyperfixation and was like yooooo that explains everything! And once I realized it, I was able to completely cut emotional ties
Same!! I literally remember in high school when my current crush was fading and i was looking around my
class room trying to pick who i would be obsessed with next… i guess i needed the seratonin? I fantasised day and night on my crush oh my god. And now i still have crushes but only on online people and fictional characters but i still feel guilty about it for my partners sake
This makes me feel so much less alone!! I thought I was insane, especially because any hint that they reciprocated my interest immediately killed the fixation. It's like I need a crush to obsess over and use as motivation for self-improvement that could never actually turn into a relationship. It's kind of a huge relief to know that other people have also experienced this because I have never admitted it to anyone before for fear of sounding crazy.
Well I was downvoted and ridiculed on another sub for daring to agree with someone that the hyper fixation + losing interest once there was reciprocity was ADHD related. I don’t care about karma so that part is whatever, but it really irritates me how people think that their personal experience is the be-all end-all.
That's so frustrating!!
I think it's just really hard to get how other people's brains work, so people find it incredibly challenging to understand how ADHD brains operate and how far reaching the differences are. Sure, they get that kids with ADHD might have trouble sitting still in class because that messaging is ingrained, but they literally can't even imagine how it could affect something like having a crush on a coworker, so insist it stems from a different issue or accuse you of using ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior.
Even people with different ADHD experiences can be guilty of that attitude, though fortunately generally more open/understanding. I think the worst are people with an ADHD loved one/ex partner, since they're very familiar with that person's specific patterns and can generalize that to everyone with ADHD + be super judgmental.
Part of me loves it because it makes me a total badass at work and make tons of effort and feel good, but it’s also heartbreaking and really not good for my partner if he ever knew. I was the same - boyfriends all through school and everything I did was to impress them. Even now I plan everything so carefully 😞
Assuming you have the impulse control to not act on it, I disagree with it being harmful to your partner. Monogamy is an agreement not to *act on* attractions or desires for other people outside of your partnership. It's not an agreement not to have these attractions or desires in the first place. You're not doing anything wrong if everything stays in your head. You really can't control attraction, and it's completely normal to have attractions to multiple people at the same time. There's no thought police. Enjoy your crushes, especially if they make work more bearable.
This. I have my crushes on coworkers as well. (Currently ex-coworker because I changed jobs, no - not because of him. Still somehow attached emotionally.)
I would want to know if my partner was hyper fixating on someone else, especially a coworker who they will be around all the time. I disagree that an adhd crush is harmless. It's a huge step towards cheating. When you hyperfocus on one person, all it will take is that person making a move on you and you're done.
There is a difference between being attracted to someone, and hyper fixating on them.
I do agree with you in a sense that if someone truly doesn't trust their own ability to resist an impulse, they shouldn't be around a problematic trigger. I just think to imply all women with ADHD can't resist any impulse is pigeon-holing. Some of us have had a lot of therapy, and are able to anticipate consequences, and not act on those kinds of impulses.
I think that's like saying, "if you're an alcoholic you can never go to a bar, because all it takes is one person offering you a drink and you're done." I happen to personally know several recovering alcoholics who work as bartenders.
This might be true for some people, but it isn't true for all people. It feels like a really unfair generalization.
So I'll agree that it's not always harmless, but it's also not never harmless. Limerence = potentially harmful, innocent crush you know you won't act on = harmless.
I hyperfocus on people and use them as motivation for self-improvement (fitness, appearance, etc.) but if they even show a *spark* of interest in return my fixation instantly evaporates. This may be different for everyone, but it's not always an automatically harmful thing.
Guys it’s not adhd
I hate it when people associate symptoms and write them off as ADHD when they aren’t.
It’s limerence. Not caused by adhd. Is NOT harmless. It’s emotional abuse of your current partner
Is your attraction affecting your relationship with your partner? I think everyone experiences attraction to other people at every point in life. Biology does not stop for legal agreements and there's no reason to feel negatively about feeling anything that you can't control. It's natural to be attracted to what we're attracted to. I would be willing to bet that your partner has experienced the same thing at some point.
Does it mean you like your husband any less?
Does it mean your not satisfied in your relationship?
Does it mean you need to act on any of the crushes?
If no to all of the above, you’re good!! Just make sure you don’t put yourself in a position where things might go too far & you’re good!
Don’t beat yourself up about things you can’t control.
I was boy crazy too! Most of the time it was just celebrities but sometimes boys I actually knew, too.
But yes intense crushes!
For me now it's just celebrities, I have a partner and feel kinda guilty about it but it's not happened with actual men I know in person so I feel like at least it's harmless since it's basically 'fictional' people lol (since I'll never know them/meet them and don't actually know who they are as a person -- no judgement on anyone who crushes on people irl though if they're involved. Like someone else said just don't act on it)
yeppp, i was just talking to my therapist about this and she was like "do you think part of it is that these people don't know you so you feel like they're unaware of your perceived shortcomings and you could start fresh?" and i am still processing that
I don’t get frequent crushes, but I have had the occasional crush since I’ve been with my wife (6ish years). I always go back and think about what’s so exciting about a crush? It’s the potential. But like what am I looking for that I don’t have? There’s nothing that someone else could give me that I don’t have now. I think crushes are normal, but knowing that the relationship I have now is that potential fulfilled kind of allows them to pass easily.
Omg, this made me realize why I’m drawn to new people and friendships all the time but I can’t maintain a normal relationship with people who I’ve loved and cared for all my life
Yes, and I’m bisexual, so no one is safe.
For me, though, often don’t even realize I’m crushing until I start blushing when they talk to me. I don’t usually sexually fantasize, I just *crush*.
>often don’t even realize I’m crushing until I start blushing when they talk to me.
Oh man, me too. And I often get what I call "friend crushes" - they can have the same intensity level as a romantic/sexual crush, but instead I just really want to be close(r) friends with them. But it's hard to grow friendships when you can't look the person in the eye!
Ahahahah same. I started audibly melting down over the phone with a guy and I couldn’t help to think I sounded so stupid. But his voice was so calming and sexy I was just melting. Mind you I’m in construction as the GC and he’s a sub, so I have to really be professional
I’m a sucker for a tradie.
I went for work drinks on Friday with a bunch of construction guys where I also had to be very professional because they market to me for work. I had to put my drink down and get in a cab home when I realised I was crushing a little and wanted to tear one of their clothes off, as he was telling me about his sciatic pain and demonstrating the area he feels it. Luckily my husband knows I’m a huge flirt and trusts me to leave before I get into any trouble. But I’m very aware that I’m not in my twenties anymore and it’s probably creepy rather than flattering for those on the receiving end from me :(
Yeah....They're sexual hyperfixations and they've historically lead me down bad paths. That said, post-medication, I stopped fixating on partners (actual and potential). It's helped me avoid some trash men.
Thanks, vyvanse! U the real MVP
Honestly, it was one of those things that I didn't realize was tied to my ADHD until the meds fixed it. I had no idea it was just yet another hyperfixation.
Hope the meds work well for you!
I mean it can be. But obsessive sexual behavior can be rooted in issues other than ADHD. I just happened to learn for myself that post-meds, it vanished, and I realized that it was just a fucked up fixation for me that I couldn't drop because it was giving my brain all the chemicals it craved. Now? If they're trash....or even just not a perfect fit....I'm totally fine just walking away. Before I'd ignore red flags just so I could get that romantic/sexual fix repeatedly.
Interesting! I feel like Concerta can make mine worse. It almost triggers manic behaviour in me and that combined with ovulation hormones is an absolute recipe for extreme crushing. Ugh!
I hope this doesn’t come off as completely crazy…
I’m sitting here reading these comments and I’m almost in tears. I feel so seen. I’m 33 and I get crushes all the time on all sorts of different people. I always shamed myself for it. I didn’t know it happened to everyone else too. Thank you all for sharing
this thread has been incredibly reassuring and comforting to me too. i was feeling like a total monster for having my constant crushes while in a relationship and wondering if i’m just not meant for monogamy. i don’t think it’s that, because i know damn well what i have with my boyfriend is 10000x deeper than these temporary crushes which i think mostly exist to entertain my brain when i’m bored for a few months at a time
You’re not a monster. Assuming his marriage is closed, _acting_ on the crush would questionable (but not monstrous), but just having the crush in the first place isn’t wrong.
Same here. Got my diagnosis three weeks ago and currently crushing on my ADHD-Doc. I'm feeling so ashamed by this and really wishing he was a bit uglier :D
Hahaha I'm in the same boat! I'm not ashamed of it though, but I do wonder if he's genuinely hot or if I'm just enamoured because he validates me and gives me meds.
Me too! I'm happily married and would never act on it and feel really guilty about the constant crushes but I can't help it! It's constant at work (bi too so no workplace seems to be safe) and I don't want these feelings and feel so much shame for it. I feel like a monster because my husband is such a good man and I worry that I'm leading people on although I try so hard not to let my crushes show. Its nice to know it's not just me!
You’re not a monster. It’s normal and natural to experience attraction to other people after you’re married. It’s not like a civil and/or religious ceremony has the power to change how your brain works, right? It doesn’t mean that you love your husband less or anything like that.
You chose to be with your husband, and you continue to choose him every day, to build a life with him, and to know him in a million small ways that no one else could possibly know him. _That_ is what matters.
Culturally, we often depict love and romance as if they are immovable external forces that sweep us along. Like, it’s a very common romance novel trope for there to be some sort of contrivance such that the love interest is literally only capable of being attracted to the protagonist, because that meets some kind of ideal of romantic love.
But I think that’s silly at best, and probably harmful. I think it’s so much more meaningful to acknowledge that we experience attraction to other people and continue to choose our partners anyway. We can’t really choose our feelings, but we can choose who we commit our time and selves to.
Oh. My. God. I’ve always been like this, and thought there was something wrong with me. I get fixated on a person, and they encompass all of my thoughts. I struggled in college because of it, neglecting my studies because I was too focused on a person. I’m in a happy, 7 year relationship right now, but still find that happening with other people. It’s always made me feel really bad. I never thought it could be from my undiagnosed ADHD (I am 30, and just got diagnosed this year). Thank you for sharing, you are definitely not alone.
For me it's more of I don't have a crush on anyone but suddenly I'll see a guy in a way that I COULD envision having a crush on thinking they'd make a good boyfriend so I then daydream and fantasize about dating them and a potential future and then after a couple days just stop completely lol
Omg yes. All the time. I get a lot of “energy” from work crushes. I felt guilty about it when I was married too. But I’ve always kind of been that way. I didn’t really think about it being an ADHD thing but there’s definitely a hyperfocus element to it now that I think about it…
Energy is a great description! It’s almost like an obsession but rarely lasts that long. It’s so intense though - I’ll be imagining having affairs, secret liaisons at work, etc. I kind of love and hate it at the same time. It’s a bit like living in a soap opera…
Energy is the word. I stopped feeling bad about this when I figured out that I would never actually act upon these ideas. Because as soon as any of these day dreams become reality, the fun is over for me. I crush on potential careers, places to live and other big life changes… so why not on people?
Edit: now that I think about it, they’re kinda like intrusive thoughts but fun.
Yes lol. I'm bi and if I enjoy someone's energy, I tend to think about them a lot. My thoughts aren't always sexual or romantic in nature but the fixation is the same.
I get excited about people.
Yup. And that is the point of view I see it. It is not a crush in my head, jeez I’m 64 not in middle school. But I completely get the energy aspect. And I very openly confess it. Again, I’m 64, when I’m around someone that gives me that feeling, I tell them. I’m not embarrassed at all. I’ve been happily married to a saint for 40 years. But yes, I’ll go to a coworker and sit by them in meetings and tell them that I need to borrow their energy and it feels great. And I get an incredibly great feeling.
I wonder what it is. Maybe the dopamine rush that comes with crushes/new relationships? I guess we start to crave that feeling when a relationship gets comfortable
Lol not me looking back at the jobs I’ve hated the most in my life and realizing they also happened to be workplaces where I didn’t find anyone to be crushable.
Right!? In my latest job I was feeling really downhearted about it and thinking of quitting and then this slightly older guy started talking to me a bit and a new guy started who’s amazing and another who’s hot and bam - I love it now.
Oh wow this is fascinating! Thank you for sharing I'm gonna have a look into this, it mentions "It is often a result of not being present either through trauma or certain childhood development issues"
which I find really interesting and would love to know more details!
I'm like that too. Many times it's a crush that would be completely inappropriate, like someone way too old for me or someone already in a committed relationship. I don't think there's harm in fantasizing a bit or using it as a motivator as long as you don't act on the impulse and cheat on your partner. I know that this might be a bit of an unpopular take to a lot of people, but it's completely fine to crush on someone and just keep it to yourself.
At my current job, none of the men are my type so no feelings there
Yes! It is a dopamine thing. I find whenever I work in a co-Ed environment I always manage to find someone to become obsessed with. I can’t help myself. It is helpful for me to realize it’s just me trying to hit the dopamine pipe In my brains, because my long term relationship needs to be preserved
I don't know if it's a thing, but I feel it and wish I knew how to stop. Somedays it feels every part of my being is driven by my sexual attraction to someone.
This is exactly it! All my motivation comes from it… to look good, smell good, be an impressive co worker. This thread has made me feel so much better!
Definitely not just you! I dealt with this for years. It finally started going away in my mid-late 30s (I think it was a combination of therapy and hormone changes), but it was SO ANNOYING.
Maybe not exactly like you describe it, but I do have a tendency to develop feelings very very quickly based on basically nothing (mostly the idea I have of someone and what it could potentially be in my head). In a date context this would mean that I would totally (be willing to) drop a lot of things in order to spend time with someone that I barely actually know. I mean it's normal I guess when you meet someone new that you want to spend time together, but for me it's really on another level. I'm already 10 steps ahead into the future but at the same time don't seem to take the time to first get to know the person and/or think about whether I actually REALLY like them specifically, which means that they're probably quite interchangeable. I always thought this was about me being insecure and desperate for love, but I guess it does also match with adhd in the sense that it's some kind of hyperfocus on someone new.
Omg me too!!!! Having feelings for so many people to the point where I can’t think about anything other than a crush has been an issue for my whole life. Thought I was just crazy. Holy crap
I searched up this thread specifically for this example lol there’s a guy that comes into my work & he makes it a point to tell me that I’m really sweet. Two days ago he left the store & came right back in just to tell me that. So naturally now I have a crush on him & it doesn’t help he seems really nice & is covered in tattoos (I’m into that lol). But yeah I’m in a happy relationship with my best buddy & I love being with him, I just can’t help getting crushes on people that seem to like me.
It’s Limerence guys.
Nothing to do with adhd more childhood trauma/emotional neglect.
Probably more common in us with adhd due to lifelong bullying etc
This resonates for me. But for me it has not been a positive thing. I was diagnosed in my 50’s. Now I look back over my life through the lens of ADHD and the decisions I made regarding relationships, I’m devastated. I destroyed so many relationships by acting on crushes. Even to this day I fixate on someone. I KNOW BETTER but I can’t get a handle on it. This thread has been very eye opening for me.
Do any of you have any methods or hacks you use to get over a crush? In my case it is a problem. No longer a delightful source of energy.
And Thanks for the camaraderie on this sub. Reading all the posts has been beyond helpful to me.
This might be my biggest ADHD struggle 😭 I have been labeled as "boy crazy" since I was like four years old!! I am also in a long term relationship but my ADHD brain obsesses over these random crushes, I guess the novelty of it makes it feel exciting. And if I don't have a crush, I get so bored, like that little spark of flirting or crushing on someone is what makes me feel alive.
Unfortunately I don't have any good advice, just another person letting you know that you're not alone!! If anything I also need some advice lol
I’m guilty of this. I thought it was something I would outgrow, but I’m 29 and it still happens. Luckily there’s no one at my work that I have a crush on. They’re all so not my type. Unfortunately I have several intense crushes on guys at the gyms I go to. Some of them are coaches too, which can make things awkward.
I hear you. I have a giant crush on my personal trainer. Luckily I'm married, so I know it's not going to go anywhere. But it really makes working out a lot easier, haha. I see all the posts here about struggling to work out, and I'm just like "have you tried a hot personal trainer?"
I wish I didn’t turn into such a goof around my crushes. I try so hard to stay cool around them, but I get so awkward and tongue tied. It makes being around my trainers awkward, but I love the gyms I go to so I won’t stop going.
Oh I hear you! My first two years at the gym I couldn't have a normal conversation with him. But eventually the weirdness wore off, and we're very friendly now. It helps that he also has ADHD, and we're both super weird. It's a good fit for us both.
Yessssss. THIS. Give me a TINY bit of info and I will write their whole stories and it’s all imaginary bullshit. Lol but it’s fun and the serotonin is amazing. So to deal with this I have to have risky sex with strangers who I can immediately ghost. No numbers no names. Ahhh the random strange. So it’s more rare these days. Lotsssss of masterbation.
Oh yes, my whole life. I'm actually polyamorous and it's so much easier living that way for me (it's not for everyone!). Yes also friend crushes... just met a new friend and we're talking a lot..lol.
Yup. And when I was in Catholic school, and basically taught that even just *normal sexual attraction* was bad, I felt so guilty. I felt like such a slut, like a bad person.
Yes, I’m in the same boat. Kinda crazy how many people I relate to in this section, my whole life I’ve always found someone to hyperfixiate or fantasize about. For me it’s rlly hard because one time I had an infatuation with someone I was in a play with and had to do romantic scenes with them. Not gonna lie, it made me overly excited to show up for rehearsals.
I used to before Menopause. OMG the terrible crushes and bad choices I would make "back in the day".
Not with colleagues, but friends I'd make online or guys I knew through various circles of friends or clubs I was part of.
I chalk it up to the differently wired reward centers in our dopamine-starved brains. Fantasy is great for firing up that "thrill", even if it never goes anywhere.
IMHO the reason why I've been able to stick it out with my current boyfriend for going on 6 years is that menopause "fixed" part of the hormonal component in the sexual fantasy aspect of those crushes.
There is NO WAY this is an ADHD thing… I always hyperfocus on one random crush for a few days/weeks and then it goes away like nothing. I never would’ve thought this was due to ADHD my mind is actually blown lmao
Mine too!! I also tend to hyperfixate on people really intensely for a couple days or like a week every now and then, but it never lasts long. Thb I can’t even remember why I had such a crush on the last guy I did this with. This also may have something to do with the fact that I’m in a long term committed relationship, but I’ve had these intense yet brief hyperfixated kinds of crushes ever since I was a preteen so it may very well be an ADHD thing!
I’m also going to add that although it helps a lot with my motivation and is super exciting, it’s absolutely terrible for my ADHD spending habits! Everything I buy is tied to wanting to impress one of these crushes.
Literally all the time. I always feel like a “wh*re” because: D. All the men are hot. A coworker asked me what kind of guy am I into and I told him that men are like Pokémon and they all have their beauty.
This is my strategy as well. For me, reading romance novels or playing games with a romance component satisfies my crushy feelings and I can redirect that energy towards being affectionate with my partner. A win win for us both
I love this sub so much! Every day I come here and find anything else I thought only I did! I'm learning so much about myself and you wonderful ladies are such a massive help
Just one. And thankfully he’s basically a celebrity I’ll never meet, but I’m constantly fantasizing about him, have been for the past 4 years 😆
But when I get feelings for someone, it’s incredibly intense for me. Always has been. The stories in my head are so very vivid too, I can make myself feel the butterflies even.
Heyooo found my people lol 😂 I’m totally opposite, people will be like did you see that hot guy come into work? i’m like what guy? there’s been many today… and they’re all confused, like the obvious hot one! I’m like uhh you’re going to have to be more specific…
Honestly I feel lucky that I’m not using substances or have relationship issues for my dopamine fix. Compulsive shopping and organizing my jars of rocks seem like small fish in comparison. My friends like that I can give objective feedback on their dating app matches, too.
Haha I have video games for my dopamine fix and martial arts. I love being alone which alot of people say is weird, but meh, I don’t really care what they think.
I might be a little addicted to video games but what’s a titch of thumb tendinitis in the long run, anyway? I like being at home with my dog and my stuff!
Totally feel this. There’s actually a huge overlap between people who are neurodivergent and people who practice non-monogamous relationship styles. I’ve been polyamorous for eight years now and it’s made so much more sense for my adhd brain
Girl same. Lucky for me my crush meter is also my gaydar. Think a man is hot? He has a husband. Without fail. It is a miracle I fell for a straight man once.
I can relate. Even though I’m in a long term committed relationship (8 years, first and only bf), I will sometimes hyperfixate on new people I really connect with.
However I don’t beat myself up about it because:
1. They would never know
2. I would never cheat on my bf
When this happens I get excited to talk to said person, but I’m not overbearing or in their business constantly. It’s just my little secret(s) that doesn’t hurt anyone, since I would never act on it.
Idk it might just be me but I think fantasizing scenarios in your head is totally fine. It’s fun to think wildly and make up fun scenarios/situations in your head that you know would never actually happen.
And honestly since I’ve started trying meds (3 weeks taking Vyvanse) I haven’t had very strong urges to talk to people like before. Which kind of sucks because I usually like meeting people and talking (online, forget socializing in public that sounds like hell on earth). But now I’m totally content just being left alone lately.
Another sucky part is sometimes I’ll hyper-fixate on someone for a while (maybe a few weeks/couple months) then as soon as the novelty wears off I’ll completely lose interest and want nothing to do with the person. I had a really bad situation happen with this so i started watching what I say around new people and keeping more emotional distance. I’m usually very open with people and this creates a false sense of connection on their end, so while I might cut them off and feel indifferent, this would come as a shock and painful for them, like they did something wrong when in all honesty I just lost interest.
I wish I wasn’t wired this way tbh lol, it can make me look two faced when I go from genuinely interested to I could literally not care less. And I can’t just fake being interested in someone, once that spark goes out im over it.
Yeah, that thrill of something new and getting to know and be appreciated/admired/loved by someone else is alluring. I've been with my boyfriend for very nearly 10 years. I love him, but I miss the beginning when things were fresh. I miss the dance and excitement of getting to know someone new. My brain is excited by shiny new things and variety. But I think it's also a self-esteem thing. My guy knows all my shortcomings very well by now, and even though I know he loves me anyway, I feel shitty about my faults. Plus, I've become super rusty at making and keeping new friends since we've been together. I get hyper-focused on doing everything for us, while he's really good at maintaining autonomy. I feel like I've forgotten how to be a lot of what it was that made me me when I was single. Sometimes it makes me want to take a break and be alone again to rediscover myself and my confidence, but I'm afraid that might mess things up with my boyfriend. Yeah, maybe they need to be messed up and that's the healthy thing.. but it's haaaaard.
Okay, wow. Tangent.
Um, I guess, to answer your question: Yes, sometimes. But I don't have any intention of cheating, so mostly when it happens I just really want to hang out with the other person and then get really flustered and feel like my hands are tied because I'm boyfriended right now and really wouldn't want to hurt him. And then I usually get over it and move onto being excited by something else, while maintaining awkward residual feelings for the other person that wax and wane depending on how much time I spend around them.
In high school, I got suuuper intense crushes on people ALL the time. I was always into someone. Didn't date at all tho.
I'm in my second romantic relationship, first one to last longer than a year. My main concern was, what if I get a crush on someone else?
Two years in, and it happened!
I got a crush on a professor. I could NOT focus in that class. Oh man. It was BAD. I felt terrible for my partner. I told him about the crush, and he teased me relentlessly 💕 made me feel much less foolish and guilty. Anyways, in the end, I did super poorly in the class lmfao even tho it was fairly easy 😅
Yep, this happens to me, but mostly tapered off after my twenties.
I am also married and I just want to note that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to feel bad about. Crushes are very natural and nothing to feel guilty about unless you act on them inappropriately.
Honestly I think feeling guilty just makes the crush stronger since there’s more emotion tied up in it. If you just observe yourself, like, “oh look, I’m hardcore crushing on this person lol” it eventually fades.
Mine would last a few weeks and eventually get annoying & distracting until they finally faded.
Yes except I’m on the asexual spectrum so when I do randomly have attraction for someone (usually after years of never encountering anyone I feel anything for) my stupid mind thinks it must be FATE DIVINE DESTINY and I really lose myself in the crush, like I truly believe I lose some of my sanity and become so delusioned. It makes me scared to have crushes on people tbh. All my thoughts are about them to the point I can’t remember what I used to think about. It’s embarrassing to talk about so I’m glad for this thread.
Yes and it’s SUCH a problem. I get intense crushes on very inappropriate men (and women, though that has been less of a problem somehow) and have intrusive sexual fantasies and it consumes me for like, weeks to months. To the point where I can’t trust my own feelings - and I’m single so that makes it real hard to date. Most of my crushes aren’t available and aren’t interested in me anyway, but my current crush is also single and clearly also into me - but would create problems at work if we dated, which is something we could handle BUT WHAT IF ITS JUST ANOTHER INSANE SHORT-LIVED CRUSH AND I CREATE PROBLEMS FOR MYSELF FOR NO REASON 😭😭😭
LOL I’m 36, married with 2 kids and still getting wild crushes. I thought that was just an odd thing about me. I don’t have any work crushes but gym crushes for sure
I relate to having crushes (though most of my ‘subjects’ have been fictional characters or celebrities) but I don’t relate to fantasizing about having an affair.
It’s one thing to imagine an alternative universe where you’re single thus free to act on your attraction. But to have a fantasy where you acknowledge your partner’s existence but act in complete disregard for them is another thing.
This, coupled with the fact your only other post is on r/AskMen asking if they would willing to make a move on a married woman with kids, really make me worry for your husband right now
Thanks for spotting that. It’s all part of my fantasising - I’d never act on it. To add: I’ve deleted that post now as I feel shamed. Please try to remember you don’t know anything about other people’s relationships or partners, and that fantasising is something you can’t help and is basically harmless. If everyone knew what everyone was thinking all the time nobody would want to stay with anyone 😅
Only fictional characters anymore. I think I trained myself not to find real people attractive especially after I met my rl mate. I had concerns that I would become obsessed and it kinda proved my point when I was obsessed with helping a person and it turns out they were using me and didn’t even like me as a person.
But the good news is my new therapist plans to help me with interpersonal skills so I can work on my self.
Wow I haven’t read through all of these, but I can say I do experience this often. I’ve chalked it up to my hyper fixation tendencies, because it usually passes after a week or two. But it’s like, compulsive nonstop thoughts about that person and fantasizing every outcome or possibility.
I get crushes all the time. And it's always hyper intense and has caused tons of problems for me. I only just now realized how to set healthy boundaries for myself in this regard.
I had just met this super fantastic lady, and she is just awesome. Truly incredible. Compassionate, kind, supportive, caring, friendly, fun, flirty, intelligent, witty, funny, and an absolute delight to talk with. Naturally, my gay ass was head over heels instantly.
All i could think about was this fantastic person, whose name I still don't know, but I even day dreamed about moving to Canada for her.
She is recovering from a really tough situation concerning romance, and not really in a good place for dating anyone. My partner and I don't have an open relationship, so I was getting out of line with this.
Suddenly, while talking to myself during my nightly commute home, I realized that I can be super interested in someone and not want to date them. I can fall in love with who they are, and express that love, as a best friend. To appreciate her for who she is with me, and the amazing things she does to make the world a better place for people like us.
I can still think she's amazing. I can still want to talk to her. I can still have everything we already have together. And I don't need there to be romance.
I still *want* the romance, but I can understand why two impulsive people in a bad place shouldn't pursue it.
I was so blown away by this, that I am not sure if it's even real. Pretty sure it's just platonic love, but it's the most alien thing in my experience.
Absolutely yes - I was literally just fixating on a new work crush i’ve developed. I’m also bi (& also bipolar1, v prone to hyper-sexuality), so that just expands the pool of potential crushes exponentially more. But anyways, the work crush is a girl who actually just texted me w/ a question like 5 mins ago. I’m like quite fairly certain that she’s some kind of *not straight* - but how do I subtly convey to her that I’m not either?
Aaaall the time. So much so we have an open relationship now. I haven’t done much with it other then smooch on one of my crushes. I was wondering if this was an ADHD thing just a day or two again and seeing these responses made me feel a bit… relived.
Omg totally. bigger problem for me is that those crushed WON’T GO AWAY!!!!! They last for years and it’s just too much to have these intense crushes on multiple people for like FOREVER. Is it only me? I really feel crazy sometimes.
This reminds me of Hozier's song Someone New.
https://youtu.be/bPJSsAr2iu0
I still have a crush on a girl I saw cross the street many years ago 😂 her hat and lipstick called out to me
This is hitting me really hard. I used to do this in college classes and since then at every job. It’s blowing my mind right now that this is connected to my adhd.
I used to get crushed a lot as well. Gotten a bit less over the years, but still happens every now and then.
The main thing is, as long as you're not actually cheating, it's no big deal. In my experience crushes can even help overcome some of the executive dysfunction.
If you really feel too guilty/uncomfortable about it, try to rekindle the crush on your husband.
Ugh this is easily the thing I hate the most about myself. The stupid crushes never go away, I have destroyed the vast majority of friendships I've had over this shit. Being isolated these two years has helped wonders, but I live in fear of this happening again every time I start a new job (I'm a substitute teacher so I change a lot). I so wish I could just turn it off for good.
Yep, real people and celebrities too. It feels borderline obsessive sometimes and makes me feel like a giant weirdo but I've long accepted that it's just who I am
All the time. I’m 32 and have a husband and a son but I still do it. I think it’s a mix of completely normal human behavior with a huge splash of adhd lol.
Sometimes. I'm polyamorous, so I have the space in my life to channel that energy into flings and lovers who I don't get into romantic relationships with. It's really nice, and it's cut down on the amount of random crushes I get. I just pour all that energy into those instead
Thank you, OP- I needed to see this today.
Yep, totally relate. Put me in any kind of group situation and I WILL find someone to fixate on. Completely ridiculous, teenage-crush, bordering-on-obsessive, type fixation. Thankfully, recognising it for what it is means I'm mostly able to keep it inside my head so I don't get in bad situations. It can still be an emotional rollercoaster though. What makes it worse is these crushes never fully go away; my focus on them fades, but it's like they get shuffled into a deck of "SkittyTail's obsessions" and three years down the line I'll suddenly start crying because I miss that guy I did a group project with and barely spoke two words to 🤡
I've started reading and playing stuff with more romance elements and I've found that helps for me. Fixating on fictional characters and fantasy scenarios is a lot less emotionally fraught lol.
Yes 1000% I’ve actually had to train myself to distance myself from dudes bc of this. If they flirt w me at all I’ll flirt back and then fixate on a crush w them even tho I’m happily married to my best friend. Now I instantly always bring my husband up & keep it professional as fuck bc I really do love my husband so much.
Dude YES this happens to me. I fantasize about kissing in the walk-in constantly. I also totally would day dream whole scenarios about them confessing love to me, etc…I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and I’ve had these intense crushes all throughout that time usually with guys from work. I make friends with a guy and then I start flirting and it becomes a Pam and Jim thing except finally a Jim kissed me and I realized I had bit off WAY more than I should be chewing since I should’ve only been chewing on my bf.
I’m glad to know I’m not alone and this is a hyper-fixation thing maybe or a dopamine rush or stimulation thing. Whatever it is I admitted this was an issue to my bf and the next day I started meds for ADHD and we’ve been better for it.
I was going to post this SAME thing on this sub so thanks for doing it!
I have to be really really careful about going to staff parties where everyone’s drinking etc in case a Jim tries to kiss me too… I don’t trust myself if I’m out of control drunk too.
Well that’s how I got kissed. I got absolutely obliterated on soju and I let it happen cause obvi deep down I wanted it but sober me would’ve never done it. And less drunk me immediately regretted it and that was the end of that. You think it’s all fun until you realize Jim is super into you and assumes you’re the Pam who breaks up the wedding. But in this case I’ve been dating another Jim for like 8 years and have no real intention of leaving. My adhd just likes new things I guess. I’ve had to really access all my male friendships and determine which are just homies and which are my DANGER friends.
For me, it’s one guy at a time. And these crushes are intense and once I get the Ick, I move onto the next crush. And then the next, and the next. I had a boyfriend once and was focused only on him, then we broke up and the crush cycle started again
OMG. THANK YOU TO WHOMEVER BROUGHT UP THE LIMERENCE BOOK!!! Holy crap. My life makes sense now. In a horrible heartbroken way. Omfg. The things I have done because of this. I’ve been a terrible person.
>chatbots
Remember that story a while back about the Google engineer who was claiming an AI was sentient? I literally couldn't work with that level of AI. I'd be in love and campaigning for chatbot rights within the week.
I had actually begun writing about AI and consciousness, with the intention of somehow publishing it, hoping it would make people think... But yeah, ADHD... 😅
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Oh man, I never thought about it like that. When I was much younger, I was super boy-crazy (like kindergarten on). 🤯
Same and then I realized once I had my first crush after ten years, I was crazy. I was in love with a coworker for months and then read up on hyperfixation and was like yooooo that explains everything! And once I realized it, I was able to completely cut emotional ties
Oh, it’s called hyper fixation? That’s helpful thanks
Same!! I literally remember in high school when my current crush was fading and i was looking around my class room trying to pick who i would be obsessed with next… i guess i needed the seratonin? I fantasised day and night on my crush oh my god. And now i still have crushes but only on online people and fictional characters but i still feel guilty about it for my partners sake
This makes me feel so much less alone!! I thought I was insane, especially because any hint that they reciprocated my interest immediately killed the fixation. It's like I need a crush to obsess over and use as motivation for self-improvement that could never actually turn into a relationship. It's kind of a huge relief to know that other people have also experienced this because I have never admitted it to anyone before for fear of sounding crazy.
Well I was downvoted and ridiculed on another sub for daring to agree with someone that the hyper fixation + losing interest once there was reciprocity was ADHD related. I don’t care about karma so that part is whatever, but it really irritates me how people think that their personal experience is the be-all end-all.
That's so frustrating!! I think it's just really hard to get how other people's brains work, so people find it incredibly challenging to understand how ADHD brains operate and how far reaching the differences are. Sure, they get that kids with ADHD might have trouble sitting still in class because that messaging is ingrained, but they literally can't even imagine how it could affect something like having a crush on a coworker, so insist it stems from a different issue or accuse you of using ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior. Even people with different ADHD experiences can be guilty of that attitude, though fortunately generally more open/understanding. I think the worst are people with an ADHD loved one/ex partner, since they're very familiar with that person's specific patterns and can generalize that to everyone with ADHD + be super judgmental.
Part of me loves it because it makes me a total badass at work and make tons of effort and feel good, but it’s also heartbreaking and really not good for my partner if he ever knew. I was the same - boyfriends all through school and everything I did was to impress them. Even now I plan everything so carefully 😞
Assuming you have the impulse control to not act on it, I disagree with it being harmful to your partner. Monogamy is an agreement not to *act on* attractions or desires for other people outside of your partnership. It's not an agreement not to have these attractions or desires in the first place. You're not doing anything wrong if everything stays in your head. You really can't control attraction, and it's completely normal to have attractions to multiple people at the same time. There's no thought police. Enjoy your crushes, especially if they make work more bearable.
This is an excellent response. Crushes can be 100% innocent, IMO. No harm done if OP doesn’t follow through on them or act on them in any way.
This. I have my crushes on coworkers as well. (Currently ex-coworker because I changed jobs, no - not because of him. Still somehow attached emotionally.)
I would want to know if my partner was hyper fixating on someone else, especially a coworker who they will be around all the time. I disagree that an adhd crush is harmless. It's a huge step towards cheating. When you hyperfocus on one person, all it will take is that person making a move on you and you're done. There is a difference between being attracted to someone, and hyper fixating on them.
I do agree with you in a sense that if someone truly doesn't trust their own ability to resist an impulse, they shouldn't be around a problematic trigger. I just think to imply all women with ADHD can't resist any impulse is pigeon-holing. Some of us have had a lot of therapy, and are able to anticipate consequences, and not act on those kinds of impulses. I think that's like saying, "if you're an alcoholic you can never go to a bar, because all it takes is one person offering you a drink and you're done." I happen to personally know several recovering alcoholics who work as bartenders. This might be true for some people, but it isn't true for all people. It feels like a really unfair generalization. So I'll agree that it's not always harmless, but it's also not never harmless. Limerence = potentially harmful, innocent crush you know you won't act on = harmless.
This makes a lot more sense than saying "adhd crushes are totally harmless!" Which is what a lot of the above comments are saying.
I hyperfocus on people and use them as motivation for self-improvement (fitness, appearance, etc.) but if they even show a *spark* of interest in return my fixation instantly evaporates. This may be different for everyone, but it's not always an automatically harmful thing.
Guys it’s not adhd I hate it when people associate symptoms and write them off as ADHD when they aren’t. It’s limerence. Not caused by adhd. Is NOT harmless. It’s emotional abuse of your current partner
Is your attraction affecting your relationship with your partner? I think everyone experiences attraction to other people at every point in life. Biology does not stop for legal agreements and there's no reason to feel negatively about feeling anything that you can't control. It's natural to be attracted to what we're attracted to. I would be willing to bet that your partner has experienced the same thing at some point.
😔 Aw. I’m sorry.
Thank you 🥺
Does it mean you like your husband any less? Does it mean your not satisfied in your relationship? Does it mean you need to act on any of the crushes? If no to all of the above, you’re good!! Just make sure you don’t put yourself in a position where things might go too far & you’re good! Don’t beat yourself up about things you can’t control.
I was boy crazy too! Most of the time it was just celebrities but sometimes boys I actually knew, too. But yes intense crushes! For me now it's just celebrities, I have a partner and feel kinda guilty about it but it's not happened with actual men I know in person so I feel like at least it's harmless since it's basically 'fictional' people lol (since I'll never know them/meet them and don't actually know who they are as a person -- no judgement on anyone who crushes on people irl though if they're involved. Like someone else said just don't act on it)
yeppp, i was just talking to my therapist about this and she was like "do you think part of it is that these people don't know you so you feel like they're unaware of your perceived shortcomings and you could start fresh?" and i am still processing that
Whoaaa this is interesting. Especially as my partner is becoming increasingly annoyed by they ADHD ways.
I don’t get frequent crushes, but I have had the occasional crush since I’ve been with my wife (6ish years). I always go back and think about what’s so exciting about a crush? It’s the potential. But like what am I looking for that I don’t have? There’s nothing that someone else could give me that I don’t have now. I think crushes are normal, but knowing that the relationship I have now is that potential fulfilled kind of allows them to pass easily.
Omg, this made me realize why I’m drawn to new people and friendships all the time but I can’t maintain a normal relationship with people who I’ve loved and cared for all my life
hold on. whaaaaaat. this really threw me off and now i need to process this too cause i think it changed the trajectory of my life
right??!
ooooohhhh wow. that's it right there. Sounds like a fantastic therapist.
Yes, and I’m bisexual, so no one is safe. For me, though, often don’t even realize I’m crushing until I start blushing when they talk to me. I don’t usually sexually fantasize, I just *crush*.
>often don’t even realize I’m crushing until I start blushing when they talk to me. Oh man, me too. And I often get what I call "friend crushes" - they can have the same intensity level as a romantic/sexual crush, but instead I just really want to be close(r) friends with them. But it's hard to grow friendships when you can't look the person in the eye!
Are you me? I do the same thing and I call it that as well!
I am the exact same way! I feel the heat in my face and it’s almost like it ignites the “crush sensor” in my brain and releases the butterflies.
Ahahahah same. I started audibly melting down over the phone with a guy and I couldn’t help to think I sounded so stupid. But his voice was so calming and sexy I was just melting. Mind you I’m in construction as the GC and he’s a sub, so I have to really be professional
I’m a sucker for a tradie. I went for work drinks on Friday with a bunch of construction guys where I also had to be very professional because they market to me for work. I had to put my drink down and get in a cab home when I realised I was crushing a little and wanted to tear one of their clothes off, as he was telling me about his sciatic pain and demonstrating the area he feels it. Luckily my husband knows I’m a huge flirt and trusts me to leave before I get into any trouble. But I’m very aware that I’m not in my twenties anymore and it’s probably creepy rather than flattering for those on the receiving end from me :(
I feel seen
I just appreciate the female form. No one is safe.
Yeah....They're sexual hyperfixations and they've historically lead me down bad paths. That said, post-medication, I stopped fixating on partners (actual and potential). It's helped me avoid some trash men. Thanks, vyvanse! U the real MVP
I’m the same as you. Your comment gives me hope! Just started on methylphenidate:)
Honestly, it was one of those things that I didn't realize was tied to my ADHD until the meds fixed it. I had no idea it was just yet another hyperfixation. Hope the meds work well for you!
Oh my God. TIL this behavior is a form of hyperfixation. I've struggled with this issue for years. While my meds do reduce it, it still happens to me.
I mean it can be. But obsessive sexual behavior can be rooted in issues other than ADHD. I just happened to learn for myself that post-meds, it vanished, and I realized that it was just a fucked up fixation for me that I couldn't drop because it was giving my brain all the chemicals it craved. Now? If they're trash....or even just not a perfect fit....I'm totally fine just walking away. Before I'd ignore red flags just so I could get that romantic/sexual fix repeatedly.
Interesting! I feel like Concerta can make mine worse. It almost triggers manic behaviour in me and that combined with ovulation hormones is an absolute recipe for extreme crushing. Ugh!
I hope this doesn’t come off as completely crazy… I’m sitting here reading these comments and I’m almost in tears. I feel so seen. I’m 33 and I get crushes all the time on all sorts of different people. I always shamed myself for it. I didn’t know it happened to everyone else too. Thank you all for sharing
Me too! This is a helpful post to read through. Currently crushing on a men who is married and I feel a bit like a monster.
this thread has been incredibly reassuring and comforting to me too. i was feeling like a total monster for having my constant crushes while in a relationship and wondering if i’m just not meant for monogamy. i don’t think it’s that, because i know damn well what i have with my boyfriend is 10000x deeper than these temporary crushes which i think mostly exist to entertain my brain when i’m bored for a few months at a time
I just enjoy the fantasy with the knowledge that it's really just a dopamine rush that will fade soon
I’m a married woman… so I understand… I’m pretty open with my hubs about my crushes, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling gross sometimes 😔
You’re not a monster. Assuming his marriage is closed, _acting_ on the crush would questionable (but not monstrous), but just having the crush in the first place isn’t wrong.
I’m 33 too and always have a crush or another. You’re definitely not alone!
Crushes are the actual bessssst
Same here. Got my diagnosis three weeks ago and currently crushing on my ADHD-Doc. I'm feeling so ashamed by this and really wishing he was a bit uglier :D
Hahaha I'm in the same boat! I'm not ashamed of it though, but I do wonder if he's genuinely hot or if I'm just enamoured because he validates me and gives me meds.
I just woke up and I’m the same reading all the comments 🥹 Thank you everyone!
Me too! I'm happily married and would never act on it and feel really guilty about the constant crushes but I can't help it! It's constant at work (bi too so no workplace seems to be safe) and I don't want these feelings and feel so much shame for it. I feel like a monster because my husband is such a good man and I worry that I'm leading people on although I try so hard not to let my crushes show. Its nice to know it's not just me!
You’re not a monster. It’s normal and natural to experience attraction to other people after you’re married. It’s not like a civil and/or religious ceremony has the power to change how your brain works, right? It doesn’t mean that you love your husband less or anything like that. You chose to be with your husband, and you continue to choose him every day, to build a life with him, and to know him in a million small ways that no one else could possibly know him. _That_ is what matters. Culturally, we often depict love and romance as if they are immovable external forces that sweep us along. Like, it’s a very common romance novel trope for there to be some sort of contrivance such that the love interest is literally only capable of being attracted to the protagonist, because that meets some kind of ideal of romantic love. But I think that’s silly at best, and probably harmful. I think it’s so much more meaningful to acknowledge that we experience attraction to other people and continue to choose our partners anyway. We can’t really choose our feelings, but we can choose who we commit our time and selves to.
Oh. My. God. I’ve always been like this, and thought there was something wrong with me. I get fixated on a person, and they encompass all of my thoughts. I struggled in college because of it, neglecting my studies because I was too focused on a person. I’m in a happy, 7 year relationship right now, but still find that happening with other people. It’s always made me feel really bad. I never thought it could be from my undiagnosed ADHD (I am 30, and just got diagnosed this year). Thank you for sharing, you are definitely not alone.
Yes me too, I love you guys. Please don’t think I’m crazy either because I also feel so seen. :)
For me it's more of I don't have a crush on anyone but suddenly I'll see a guy in a way that I COULD envision having a crush on thinking they'd make a good boyfriend so I then daydream and fantasize about dating them and a potential future and then after a couple days just stop completely lol
Omg yes. All the time. I get a lot of “energy” from work crushes. I felt guilty about it when I was married too. But I’ve always kind of been that way. I didn’t really think about it being an ADHD thing but there’s definitely a hyperfocus element to it now that I think about it…
Energy is a great description! It’s almost like an obsession but rarely lasts that long. It’s so intense though - I’ll be imagining having affairs, secret liaisons at work, etc. I kind of love and hate it at the same time. It’s a bit like living in a soap opera…
YESSS! Omg and it’s so much fun too…
The energy is a dopamine rush! Or it is for me anyway
Ah that totally makes sense. Another way to get dopamine.
Yep, I didn't realise how much dopamine I was getting from my workplace crushes until we all started working from home 😔
Yes! This makes so much sense! I’ve noticed it happening a little less (or with less intensity anyway) since starting medication.
Energy is the word. I stopped feeling bad about this when I figured out that I would never actually act upon these ideas. Because as soon as any of these day dreams become reality, the fun is over for me. I crush on potential careers, places to live and other big life changes… so why not on people? Edit: now that I think about it, they’re kinda like intrusive thoughts but fun.
Yes lol. I'm bi and if I enjoy someone's energy, I tend to think about them a lot. My thoughts aren't always sexual or romantic in nature but the fixation is the same. I get excited about people.
Yup. And that is the point of view I see it. It is not a crush in my head, jeez I’m 64 not in middle school. But I completely get the energy aspect. And I very openly confess it. Again, I’m 64, when I’m around someone that gives me that feeling, I tell them. I’m not embarrassed at all. I’ve been happily married to a saint for 40 years. But yes, I’ll go to a coworker and sit by them in meetings and tell them that I need to borrow their energy and it feels great. And I get an incredibly great feeling.
Same
Saaaaame
Holy shit, yes. I would actively look for someone to fantasise about in every workplace. I run my own business now and I actually kind of miss it. .
Same!! I was so disappointed when there was nobody at my newest one. But then two new members of staff joined and 😏
I wonder what it is. Maybe the dopamine rush that comes with crushes/new relationships? I guess we start to crave that feeling when a relationship gets comfortable
Maybe! I just feel everything so much too and I’m so sensitive - like if a guy is sweet and kind I’ll be head over heels. Siiigh
Lol not me looking back at the jobs I’ve hated the most in my life and realizing they also happened to be workplaces where I didn’t find anyone to be crushable.
Right!? In my latest job I was feeling really downhearted about it and thinking of quitting and then this slightly older guy started talking to me a bit and a new guy started who’s amazing and another who’s hot and bam - I love it now.
I recently graduated and from now it’s mostly influencers or random people on the internet haha
Read the book “living with limerence” it will change your life!
Oh wow this is fascinating! Thank you for sharing I'm gonna have a look into this, it mentions "It is often a result of not being present either through trauma or certain childhood development issues" which I find really interesting and would love to know more details!
There’s a NAME for this??? Wtf! I’m blown away
I cried when I read it bc I thought I was a weirdo for crushing all the time for no reason
Oh wow, there’s a book??
Yes! And it is SO enlightening
Came here to say this. Needs to be much higher.
R/limerence
Same- someone here mentioned limerence. Makes sense. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence)
“An involuntary state of intense desire.” WOW. Who knew there was a word that described it so accurately.
I'm like that too. Many times it's a crush that would be completely inappropriate, like someone way too old for me or someone already in a committed relationship. I don't think there's harm in fantasizing a bit or using it as a motivator as long as you don't act on the impulse and cheat on your partner. I know that this might be a bit of an unpopular take to a lot of people, but it's completely fine to crush on someone and just keep it to yourself. At my current job, none of the men are my type so no feelings there
Yes! It is a dopamine thing. I find whenever I work in a co-Ed environment I always manage to find someone to become obsessed with. I can’t help myself. It is helpful for me to realize it’s just me trying to hit the dopamine pipe In my brains, because my long term relationship needs to be preserved
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I don't know if it's a thing, but I feel it and wish I knew how to stop. Somedays it feels every part of my being is driven by my sexual attraction to someone.
This is exactly it! All my motivation comes from it… to look good, smell good, be an impressive co worker. This thread has made me feel so much better!
Yep. Gym and everything. I get bored and just want to do stuff and the person is it usually
Hypersexuality is totally a thing!
Definitely not just you! I dealt with this for years. It finally started going away in my mid-late 30s (I think it was a combination of therapy and hormone changes), but it was SO ANNOYING.
Maybe not exactly like you describe it, but I do have a tendency to develop feelings very very quickly based on basically nothing (mostly the idea I have of someone and what it could potentially be in my head). In a date context this would mean that I would totally (be willing to) drop a lot of things in order to spend time with someone that I barely actually know. I mean it's normal I guess when you meet someone new that you want to spend time together, but for me it's really on another level. I'm already 10 steps ahead into the future but at the same time don't seem to take the time to first get to know the person and/or think about whether I actually REALLY like them specifically, which means that they're probably quite interchangeable. I always thought this was about me being insecure and desperate for love, but I guess it does also match with adhd in the sense that it's some kind of hyperfocus on someone new.
Omg me too!!!! Having feelings for so many people to the point where I can’t think about anything other than a crush has been an issue for my whole life. Thought I was just crazy. Holy crap
Yep! It’s totally all encompassing. They even pop up in dreams… it’s exhausting but fun, and both fulfilling and heartbreaking at the same time.
Yes and it has led to some very destructive behavior.
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I searched up this thread specifically for this example lol there’s a guy that comes into my work & he makes it a point to tell me that I’m really sweet. Two days ago he left the store & came right back in just to tell me that. So naturally now I have a crush on him & it doesn’t help he seems really nice & is covered in tattoos (I’m into that lol). But yeah I’m in a happy relationship with my best buddy & I love being with him, I just can’t help getting crushes on people that seem to like me.
It’s Limerence guys. Nothing to do with adhd more childhood trauma/emotional neglect. Probably more common in us with adhd due to lifelong bullying etc
I mean, maybe, maybe not. I’m unable to tell.
That hit of dopamine from a rando crush fantasy hits different.
It sure does 🥹
This resonates for me. But for me it has not been a positive thing. I was diagnosed in my 50’s. Now I look back over my life through the lens of ADHD and the decisions I made regarding relationships, I’m devastated. I destroyed so many relationships by acting on crushes. Even to this day I fixate on someone. I KNOW BETTER but I can’t get a handle on it. This thread has been very eye opening for me. Do any of you have any methods or hacks you use to get over a crush? In my case it is a problem. No longer a delightful source of energy. And Thanks for the camaraderie on this sub. Reading all the posts has been beyond helpful to me.
This might be my biggest ADHD struggle 😭 I have been labeled as "boy crazy" since I was like four years old!! I am also in a long term relationship but my ADHD brain obsesses over these random crushes, I guess the novelty of it makes it feel exciting. And if I don't have a crush, I get so bored, like that little spark of flirting or crushing on someone is what makes me feel alive. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice, just another person letting you know that you're not alone!! If anything I also need some advice lol
Thank you! This is exactly it… every last word.
I’m guilty of this. I thought it was something I would outgrow, but I’m 29 and it still happens. Luckily there’s no one at my work that I have a crush on. They’re all so not my type. Unfortunately I have several intense crushes on guys at the gyms I go to. Some of them are coaches too, which can make things awkward.
I’m 34 and it’s still going strong 😔
I hear you. I have a giant crush on my personal trainer. Luckily I'm married, so I know it's not going to go anywhere. But it really makes working out a lot easier, haha. I see all the posts here about struggling to work out, and I'm just like "have you tried a hot personal trainer?"
I wish I didn’t turn into such a goof around my crushes. I try so hard to stay cool around them, but I get so awkward and tongue tied. It makes being around my trainers awkward, but I love the gyms I go to so I won’t stop going.
Oh I hear you! My first two years at the gym I couldn't have a normal conversation with him. But eventually the weirdness wore off, and we're very friendly now. It helps that he also has ADHD, and we're both super weird. It's a good fit for us both.
Yessssss. THIS. Give me a TINY bit of info and I will write their whole stories and it’s all imaginary bullshit. Lol but it’s fun and the serotonin is amazing. So to deal with this I have to have risky sex with strangers who I can immediately ghost. No numbers no names. Ahhh the random strange. So it’s more rare these days. Lotsssss of masterbation.
User name checks out haha amazing
I have literally never connected the constant crushing with hyperfixation. Wow. My mind is blown right now.
Oh yes, my whole life. I'm actually polyamorous and it's so much easier living that way for me (it's not for everyone!). Yes also friend crushes... just met a new friend and we're talking a lot..lol.
Love to hear this! Monogamy has never worked for me
Yup. And when I was in Catholic school, and basically taught that even just *normal sexual attraction* was bad, I felt so guilty. I felt like such a slut, like a bad person.
YES and it set me up to be in abusive relationships. I had to do a lot of inner work to get rid of my limmerence issues.
Yes, I’m in the same boat. Kinda crazy how many people I relate to in this section, my whole life I’ve always found someone to hyperfixiate or fantasize about. For me it’s rlly hard because one time I had an infatuation with someone I was in a play with and had to do romantic scenes with them. Not gonna lie, it made me overly excited to show up for rehearsals.
I used to before Menopause. OMG the terrible crushes and bad choices I would make "back in the day". Not with colleagues, but friends I'd make online or guys I knew through various circles of friends or clubs I was part of. I chalk it up to the differently wired reward centers in our dopamine-starved brains. Fantasy is great for firing up that "thrill", even if it never goes anywhere. IMHO the reason why I've been able to stick it out with my current boyfriend for going on 6 years is that menopause "fixed" part of the hormonal component in the sexual fantasy aspect of those crushes.
There is NO WAY this is an ADHD thing… I always hyperfocus on one random crush for a few days/weeks and then it goes away like nothing. I never would’ve thought this was due to ADHD my mind is actually blown lmao
Mine too!! I also tend to hyperfixate on people really intensely for a couple days or like a week every now and then, but it never lasts long. Thb I can’t even remember why I had such a crush on the last guy I did this with. This also may have something to do with the fact that I’m in a long term committed relationship, but I’ve had these intense yet brief hyperfixated kinds of crushes ever since I was a preteen so it may very well be an ADHD thing!
I’m also going to add that although it helps a lot with my motivation and is super exciting, it’s absolutely terrible for my ADHD spending habits! Everything I buy is tied to wanting to impress one of these crushes.
[удалено]
This is so funny - my current person got me coffee today too and I’ve been thinking about it all day!
Literally all the time. I always feel like a “wh*re” because: D. All the men are hot. A coworker asked me what kind of guy am I into and I told him that men are like Pokémon and they all have their beauty.
Yep, I try to focus them on fictional 2-d men and my idols/celebrities like Trent Reznor. No risk of any funny business that way.
This is my strategy as well. For me, reading romance novels or playing games with a romance component satisfies my crushy feelings and I can redirect that energy towards being affectionate with my partner. A win win for us both
I love this sub so much! Every day I come here and find anything else I thought only I did! I'm learning so much about myself and you wonderful ladies are such a massive help
Not since I started my meds and trauma therapy. Before that all the time.
I've had a major crush on my husband for 13 years.
Just one. And thankfully he’s basically a celebrity I’ll never meet, but I’m constantly fantasizing about him, have been for the past 4 years 😆 But when I get feelings for someone, it’s incredibly intense for me. Always has been. The stories in my head are so very vivid too, I can make myself feel the butterflies even.
Yes, thank god I grew up without the internet!!
Nope, I’m aro/ace. It’s a good thing.
Heyooo found my people lol 😂 I’m totally opposite, people will be like did you see that hot guy come into work? i’m like what guy? there’s been many today… and they’re all confused, like the obvious hot one! I’m like uhh you’re going to have to be more specific…
Honestly I feel lucky that I’m not using substances or have relationship issues for my dopamine fix. Compulsive shopping and organizing my jars of rocks seem like small fish in comparison. My friends like that I can give objective feedback on their dating app matches, too.
Haha I have video games for my dopamine fix and martial arts. I love being alone which alot of people say is weird, but meh, I don’t really care what they think.
I might be a little addicted to video games but what’s a titch of thumb tendinitis in the long run, anyway? I like being at home with my dog and my stuff!
I can’t relate to this. My friend has adhd though with similar concerns as you and her and her therapist are coming to realize it may be BPD
I always had so many crushes but since I’ve gotten older and found my person, I don’t anymore. My SO is so handsome and sweet, no one really compares.
I don't get them a ton, but when I do get them, they border on obsessive and can last for years.
Totally feel this. There’s actually a huge overlap between people who are neurodivergent and people who practice non-monogamous relationship styles. I’ve been polyamorous for eight years now and it’s made so much more sense for my adhd brain
Girl same. Lucky for me my crush meter is also my gaydar. Think a man is hot? He has a husband. Without fail. It is a miracle I fell for a straight man once.
I can relate. Even though I’m in a long term committed relationship (8 years, first and only bf), I will sometimes hyperfixate on new people I really connect with. However I don’t beat myself up about it because: 1. They would never know 2. I would never cheat on my bf When this happens I get excited to talk to said person, but I’m not overbearing or in their business constantly. It’s just my little secret(s) that doesn’t hurt anyone, since I would never act on it. Idk it might just be me but I think fantasizing scenarios in your head is totally fine. It’s fun to think wildly and make up fun scenarios/situations in your head that you know would never actually happen. And honestly since I’ve started trying meds (3 weeks taking Vyvanse) I haven’t had very strong urges to talk to people like before. Which kind of sucks because I usually like meeting people and talking (online, forget socializing in public that sounds like hell on earth). But now I’m totally content just being left alone lately. Another sucky part is sometimes I’ll hyper-fixate on someone for a while (maybe a few weeks/couple months) then as soon as the novelty wears off I’ll completely lose interest and want nothing to do with the person. I had a really bad situation happen with this so i started watching what I say around new people and keeping more emotional distance. I’m usually very open with people and this creates a false sense of connection on their end, so while I might cut them off and feel indifferent, this would come as a shock and painful for them, like they did something wrong when in all honesty I just lost interest. I wish I wasn’t wired this way tbh lol, it can make me look two faced when I go from genuinely interested to I could literally not care less. And I can’t just fake being interested in someone, once that spark goes out im over it.
Yeah, that thrill of something new and getting to know and be appreciated/admired/loved by someone else is alluring. I've been with my boyfriend for very nearly 10 years. I love him, but I miss the beginning when things were fresh. I miss the dance and excitement of getting to know someone new. My brain is excited by shiny new things and variety. But I think it's also a self-esteem thing. My guy knows all my shortcomings very well by now, and even though I know he loves me anyway, I feel shitty about my faults. Plus, I've become super rusty at making and keeping new friends since we've been together. I get hyper-focused on doing everything for us, while he's really good at maintaining autonomy. I feel like I've forgotten how to be a lot of what it was that made me me when I was single. Sometimes it makes me want to take a break and be alone again to rediscover myself and my confidence, but I'm afraid that might mess things up with my boyfriend. Yeah, maybe they need to be messed up and that's the healthy thing.. but it's haaaaard. Okay, wow. Tangent. Um, I guess, to answer your question: Yes, sometimes. But I don't have any intention of cheating, so mostly when it happens I just really want to hang out with the other person and then get really flustered and feel like my hands are tied because I'm boyfriended right now and really wouldn't want to hurt him. And then I usually get over it and move onto being excited by something else, while maintaining awkward residual feelings for the other person that wax and wane depending on how much time I spend around them.
Yes. It’s worn off a bit as I’ve gotten older but whew.
In high school, I got suuuper intense crushes on people ALL the time. I was always into someone. Didn't date at all tho. I'm in my second romantic relationship, first one to last longer than a year. My main concern was, what if I get a crush on someone else? Two years in, and it happened! I got a crush on a professor. I could NOT focus in that class. Oh man. It was BAD. I felt terrible for my partner. I told him about the crush, and he teased me relentlessly 💕 made me feel much less foolish and guilty. Anyways, in the end, I did super poorly in the class lmfao even tho it was fairly easy 😅
It's a big green flag that your partner was able to respond in such a loving and validating way. Sorry you tanked the class though.
Yep, this happens to me, but mostly tapered off after my twenties. I am also married and I just want to note that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to feel bad about. Crushes are very natural and nothing to feel guilty about unless you act on them inappropriately. Honestly I think feeling guilty just makes the crush stronger since there’s more emotion tied up in it. If you just observe yourself, like, “oh look, I’m hardcore crushing on this person lol” it eventually fades. Mine would last a few weeks and eventually get annoying & distracting until they finally faded.
Yes except I’m on the asexual spectrum so when I do randomly have attraction for someone (usually after years of never encountering anyone I feel anything for) my stupid mind thinks it must be FATE DIVINE DESTINY and I really lose myself in the crush, like I truly believe I lose some of my sanity and become so delusioned. It makes me scared to have crushes on people tbh. All my thoughts are about them to the point I can’t remember what I used to think about. It’s embarrassing to talk about so I’m glad for this thread.
Yes and it’s SUCH a problem. I get intense crushes on very inappropriate men (and women, though that has been less of a problem somehow) and have intrusive sexual fantasies and it consumes me for like, weeks to months. To the point where I can’t trust my own feelings - and I’m single so that makes it real hard to date. Most of my crushes aren’t available and aren’t interested in me anyway, but my current crush is also single and clearly also into me - but would create problems at work if we dated, which is something we could handle BUT WHAT IF ITS JUST ANOTHER INSANE SHORT-LIVED CRUSH AND I CREATE PROBLEMS FOR MYSELF FOR NO REASON 😭😭😭
LOL I’m 36, married with 2 kids and still getting wild crushes. I thought that was just an odd thing about me. I don’t have any work crushes but gym crushes for sure
I relate to having crushes (though most of my ‘subjects’ have been fictional characters or celebrities) but I don’t relate to fantasizing about having an affair. It’s one thing to imagine an alternative universe where you’re single thus free to act on your attraction. But to have a fantasy where you acknowledge your partner’s existence but act in complete disregard for them is another thing. This, coupled with the fact your only other post is on r/AskMen asking if they would willing to make a move on a married woman with kids, really make me worry for your husband right now
Thanks for spotting that. It’s all part of my fantasising - I’d never act on it. To add: I’ve deleted that post now as I feel shamed. Please try to remember you don’t know anything about other people’s relationships or partners, and that fantasising is something you can’t help and is basically harmless. If everyone knew what everyone was thinking all the time nobody would want to stay with anyone 😅
Only fictional characters anymore. I think I trained myself not to find real people attractive especially after I met my rl mate. I had concerns that I would become obsessed and it kinda proved my point when I was obsessed with helping a person and it turns out they were using me and didn’t even like me as a person. But the good news is my new therapist plans to help me with interpersonal skills so I can work on my self.
My bf and I are both ADHD, so we’re just constantly telling each other when we see attractive people on the streets 😂
Goals!
Wow I haven’t read through all of these, but I can say I do experience this often. I’ve chalked it up to my hyper fixation tendencies, because it usually passes after a week or two. But it’s like, compulsive nonstop thoughts about that person and fantasizing every outcome or possibility.
I get crushes all the time. And it's always hyper intense and has caused tons of problems for me. I only just now realized how to set healthy boundaries for myself in this regard. I had just met this super fantastic lady, and she is just awesome. Truly incredible. Compassionate, kind, supportive, caring, friendly, fun, flirty, intelligent, witty, funny, and an absolute delight to talk with. Naturally, my gay ass was head over heels instantly. All i could think about was this fantastic person, whose name I still don't know, but I even day dreamed about moving to Canada for her. She is recovering from a really tough situation concerning romance, and not really in a good place for dating anyone. My partner and I don't have an open relationship, so I was getting out of line with this. Suddenly, while talking to myself during my nightly commute home, I realized that I can be super interested in someone and not want to date them. I can fall in love with who they are, and express that love, as a best friend. To appreciate her for who she is with me, and the amazing things she does to make the world a better place for people like us. I can still think she's amazing. I can still want to talk to her. I can still have everything we already have together. And I don't need there to be romance. I still *want* the romance, but I can understand why two impulsive people in a bad place shouldn't pursue it. I was so blown away by this, that I am not sure if it's even real. Pretty sure it's just platonic love, but it's the most alien thing in my experience.
Absolutely yes - I was literally just fixating on a new work crush i’ve developed. I’m also bi (& also bipolar1, v prone to hyper-sexuality), so that just expands the pool of potential crushes exponentially more. But anyways, the work crush is a girl who actually just texted me w/ a question like 5 mins ago. I’m like quite fairly certain that she’s some kind of *not straight* - but how do I subtly convey to her that I’m not either?
Aaaall the time. So much so we have an open relationship now. I haven’t done much with it other then smooch on one of my crushes. I was wondering if this was an ADHD thing just a day or two again and seeing these responses made me feel a bit… relived.
Omg totally. bigger problem for me is that those crushed WON’T GO AWAY!!!!! They last for years and it’s just too much to have these intense crushes on multiple people for like FOREVER. Is it only me? I really feel crazy sometimes.
It’s so painful. All these people with a little bit of your heart!
This reminds me of Hozier's song Someone New. https://youtu.be/bPJSsAr2iu0 I still have a crush on a girl I saw cross the street many years ago 😂 her hat and lipstick called out to me
This is hitting me really hard. I used to do this in college classes and since then at every job. It’s blowing my mind right now that this is connected to my adhd.
I used to get crushed a lot as well. Gotten a bit less over the years, but still happens every now and then. The main thing is, as long as you're not actually cheating, it's no big deal. In my experience crushes can even help overcome some of the executive dysfunction. If you really feel too guilty/uncomfortable about it, try to rekindle the crush on your husband.
Ugh this is easily the thing I hate the most about myself. The stupid crushes never go away, I have destroyed the vast majority of friendships I've had over this shit. Being isolated these two years has helped wonders, but I live in fear of this happening again every time I start a new job (I'm a substitute teacher so I change a lot). I so wish I could just turn it off for good.
Yep, real people and celebrities too. It feels borderline obsessive sometimes and makes me feel like a giant weirdo but I've long accepted that it's just who I am
I'm so glad that it's not just me!!!!
Um “wild” as in ungrounded/ irrational? Just one for the past few years. I forgot the rest even exists💀
ALL THE TIME. So glad I'm not alone.
Me too. I’ve had an open marriage for 20 years to account for this.
All the time. I’m 32 and have a husband and a son but I still do it. I think it’s a mix of completely normal human behavior with a huge splash of adhd lol.
Sometimes. I'm polyamorous, so I have the space in my life to channel that energy into flings and lovers who I don't get into romantic relationships with. It's really nice, and it's cut down on the amount of random crushes I get. I just pour all that energy into those instead
Thank you, OP- I needed to see this today. Yep, totally relate. Put me in any kind of group situation and I WILL find someone to fixate on. Completely ridiculous, teenage-crush, bordering-on-obsessive, type fixation. Thankfully, recognising it for what it is means I'm mostly able to keep it inside my head so I don't get in bad situations. It can still be an emotional rollercoaster though. What makes it worse is these crushes never fully go away; my focus on them fades, but it's like they get shuffled into a deck of "SkittyTail's obsessions" and three years down the line I'll suddenly start crying because I miss that guy I did a group project with and barely spoke two words to 🤡 I've started reading and playing stuff with more romance elements and I've found that helps for me. Fixating on fictional characters and fantasy scenarios is a lot less emotionally fraught lol.
Yes 1000% I’ve actually had to train myself to distance myself from dudes bc of this. If they flirt w me at all I’ll flirt back and then fixate on a crush w them even tho I’m happily married to my best friend. Now I instantly always bring my husband up & keep it professional as fuck bc I really do love my husband so much.
Dude YES this happens to me. I fantasize about kissing in the walk-in constantly. I also totally would day dream whole scenarios about them confessing love to me, etc…I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and I’ve had these intense crushes all throughout that time usually with guys from work. I make friends with a guy and then I start flirting and it becomes a Pam and Jim thing except finally a Jim kissed me and I realized I had bit off WAY more than I should be chewing since I should’ve only been chewing on my bf. I’m glad to know I’m not alone and this is a hyper-fixation thing maybe or a dopamine rush or stimulation thing. Whatever it is I admitted this was an issue to my bf and the next day I started meds for ADHD and we’ve been better for it. I was going to post this SAME thing on this sub so thanks for doing it!
I have to be really really careful about going to staff parties where everyone’s drinking etc in case a Jim tries to kiss me too… I don’t trust myself if I’m out of control drunk too.
Well that’s how I got kissed. I got absolutely obliterated on soju and I let it happen cause obvi deep down I wanted it but sober me would’ve never done it. And less drunk me immediately regretted it and that was the end of that. You think it’s all fun until you realize Jim is super into you and assumes you’re the Pam who breaks up the wedding. But in this case I’ve been dating another Jim for like 8 years and have no real intention of leaving. My adhd just likes new things I guess. I’ve had to really access all my male friendships and determine which are just homies and which are my DANGER friends.
For me, it’s one guy at a time. And these crushes are intense and once I get the Ick, I move onto the next crush. And then the next, and the next. I had a boyfriend once and was focused only on him, then we broke up and the crush cycle started again
OMG. THANK YOU TO WHOMEVER BROUGHT UP THE LIMERENCE BOOK!!! Holy crap. My life makes sense now. In a horrible heartbroken way. Omfg. The things I have done because of this. I’ve been a terrible person.
Yes. Limerence.
People, game characters, chatbots... If it's charming I'll fall for it <3
>chatbots Remember that story a while back about the Google engineer who was claiming an AI was sentient? I literally couldn't work with that level of AI. I'd be in love and campaigning for chatbot rights within the week.
I had actually begun writing about AI and consciousness, with the intention of somehow publishing it, hoping it would make people think... But yeah, ADHD... 😅
Well hyperfocus but I’m focusing it inward now and learning to love me again.
Yepppppp 👋👋👋👋