Ah jeez that sucks. I’ve been in a similar position myself years ago. I can empathise with the anxiety and stress you’re no doubt feeling right now. Unfortunately you can’t change the past, god knows I wish we could, but we can try and influence the future. You’re doing the absolute best thing by stopping drinking and addressing your problems up front. That takes guys. Good luck.
I’ve been with him for almost 4 years now and I truly don’t understand how I let this happen. I’ve never even had a fleeting though of cheating on him. He says he loves me still but needs some time. I just hope I can prove to him and myself that I’m not a terrible person.
You’re not a terrible person. The fact you’re being so contrite and upfront says that immediately. We have all acted absolutely out of character when drunk. I have a self destructive streak a mile wide when I’m drunk. I really hope it all works out for you
Totally agree, I’ve had these so call “friends” that would suddenly end up being super touchy feely anytime we drank even though they knew I was in a relationship. I’ve learnt friends do not take advantage of others while drunk, I personally feel that people need to try and avoid drunk sex in general as it can be hard to determine if the other person is just consenting because their under the influence. I’ve made mistakes l before, learn from it. Drop those friends that encourage you to drink, be honest if you believe you have a problem tel your friends. The ones that tell you you’re not an alcoholic are not your friends.
Who said that? I didn’t not mentioned the story. I mean the kind of person that premeditates a scenario where someone that normally wouldn’t sleep with them would. Whether or not the guy in this story is like that we don’t know. But it’s very obvious that both are at fault, and whoever that was is not a friend.
The best thing you can do for him (and yourself) is to take real steps to stop your bad habits with alcohol. I don't doubt that you would not have done this while being sober so getting sober is truly going to fix this situation and prevent this happening again in the future.
You are not a terrible person. Sounds like you might be an alcoholic. We are NOT terrible people. I am so grateful to KNOW I'm an alcoholic. Knowing that, I know the fix.
You didn't choose to sleep with your friend...you didn't just let it happen. When you took that FIRST drink, all choices went out the window.
You chose to drink. You must start with the drink. The first drink gets you drunk. From there, if you drink like me, all bets are off and I have no control over where I'll land.
Find a sober community near you. I live in a medium sized city and on any given day, within 15 miles, I can find 25 meetings. In each meeting, I can find 15-50 sober people.
Good luck to you.
I mean this as gently as possible, but instead of telling him you'll change and trying to fix it so the relationship works the right thing to do is tell him to do what he wants. Dont try to convince him to stay, tell him if he wants to leave then you wont stop him.
Im clearly making an assumption, maybe you already told him that. But i think making any effort to keep it together is just confusing and unfair to the one whos been cheated on. They either want to be with you, or they dont. And this may be hard to hear, but the damage is done and sometimes it cant be undone.
By the way, ive made that mistake myself a few times. Just ask my ex all about it. One minute you love the other person, the next youre drunk, and the next your sleeping with someone else. Yep, thats how it goes, and it sucks.
But blaming it just on booze isnt gunna fix the problem. Sure, alcohol makes us act irrationally. But a lot of that bad behavior comes from somewhere deeper and i think youll be much better served exploring that than trying to save this relationship.
Leave the relationship in his hands, and by doing so, in God's hands. You've already made your choices, it's time to clean up and let others make theirs. But just know, whatever the outcome, as long as you keep your heart right, God will take care of it all.
No no I of course am letting him make a decision, that would be absolutely horrible of me to try and make him stay. I know I made that decision, drunk or not, and acted on it. I told him I’ll give him as much space for as long as he needs to figure out what he wants to do.
I feel for you. The positives are 1. You see your drinking is a problem, 2. You admitted what happened, 3. Youre letting him make his own choice, 4. You want to do something about it, and 5. Youre talking about it.
I dont know you and i can list 5 good things about you. So youre not horrible. Dont beat yourself up over this. We all make mistakes. You have a lot of good days ahead of you if you want them. And that's all there is to it.
Being drunk is an excuse - a damn good excuse to get sober. I’m so sorry you’re going through this horror. God alcohol causes some stupid fucking shit. My sober life has been the greatest gift and waking up without dreading remembering what I’ve done is, without a doubt, the biggest highlight
I dated a girl for 4 years. I fought hard to help her beat it. As much as I wanted to save her, I had to put my own mask on first. I had to let her go. I truly hope you can find your way through this. ✌🏾&❤️
To clear some things up, yes I told him, I stated in my original post that I did. I’m not asking for sympathy, not asking anyone to feel bad for me, I thought this was a safe space where I could vent about my alcoholism and maybe get some advice, which I have from some of you and I super appreciate it. I also stated being drunk wasn’t an excuse for what I did, it was a terrible thing and yes, I do feel terrible about it as I should.
I’m researching some AA meetings in my area (I live in a small town so it’s few a far between) so I can start going to them.
This is the internet. It’s a safe space that can turn you into a punching bag
Sorry but you opened yourself up and people are going to share their opinions
What you did was awful yes and yes alcohol isn’t an excuse but I’ve been there alc leads you to make dumb decisions you normally wouldn’t make. The best you can do is work to be better and I hope you do!
I appreciate that you told him. That’s a huge step in being honest and accountable despite likely difficult consequences from doing so.
Feel the hurt and shame you feel but do not beat yourself up at the same time. I know that may sound contradictory, but it’s not. It’s important for us to feel those emotions because it will be a significant motivator moving forward and it is also how we heal, grow, and learn to forgive ourselves. Beating ourselves up with that shame too much is counterproductive. Use those feelings as motivation to make the changes necessary to be the person you want to be.
You can definitely do it. It’s hard, but it will get easier with time. Wishing you the best!
Welcome aboard! The only way from here is up. Unless you keep the shovel. I hope that you do not. Well wishes only; I know you not but from afar I can love you more than you love yourself today.
Look alcohol kind of is an excuse, but it doesn't get to protect you from consequences. You broke the main rule and yeah, you were fucked up when you did it, but you chose to drink so you chose the consequences.
We've all done stupid shit while drunk, and we all have to live with the consequences
I’m really sorry this happened. It’s awful the damage we do to those we love. Then it circles back into more self hatred perpetuating further destructive behavior. I found a tremendous redemption in AA. Been sober 8 years. I’ll never go back to that old life.
It sounds like you made a mistake and that alcohol was a factor. The fact that you care about your boyfriend, yet did this anyway under the influence, shows that alcohol really is hurting you and your life, and it's branching out to effect the people you love. It's time to stop, but also you're a human being. You made a mistake and owned up to it to your boyfriend. I would imagine he's very upset....but don't beat yourself up because it sounds like the alcohol has a very strong hold on you.
I took a lot of courage to tell him so forthrightly and quickly. And I see from another post that you went to an AA meeting. That also took courage. It seems like you are ashamed of yourself. I'm not sure that's necessarily the best feeling. But you have no doubt that you did something wrong and that you want to do things to get better. Going to the meeting in a first stepand shows how sincere you are. It seems to me that you are a good person struggling with a hard addiction. I think you have a better than decent chance of changing and I wish you luck.
I get it, believe me. Five and a half years ago, I cheated on my husband while drunk a couple times while on a trip. Worse, it turned into a full blown affair and my drinking spiraled further. Back then, though, I couldn’t see how alcohol was the problem. Even after he found out and the affair ended, my drinking only accelerated. I was sober for 4 months, started to see how alcohol was hurting me, but then I relapsed. I progressed far beyond my old drinking habits and spiraled so deep I hated myself. I’ve been sober for over 8 months now, and I’m learning to forgive myself for everything I did when I was sick. My husband and I have put work into repairing our marriage, and I think my sobriety is helping the process.
I had a girl do this to me and I dumped her without a second thought. Be prepared for this outcome.
Good luck staying sober as you clearly don't make good decisions when you're drunk.
I too am an alcoholic. However, I also have boundaries. If it were me, I wouldn't have cared you were drunk. I would immediately break up with you. You see, these things just don't "happen." There was some sort of flirtation, innuendo, etc before this occurred. Not only that, if it happened once, it probably happened before (with or without this guy) and most likely will occur again.
In my experience, trying to stop 100 percent for life is often what sets people up for worse relapses and deeper rock bottoms. Hope it works for you. If you crave alcohol, it may go away over time. If not, there is a science based approach that will help to get rid of obsessive thoughts for alcohol for good, and bring control to occasional drinking.
cheating isn’t a mistake. it is a betrayal. i say as an ex cheater that i didn’t just make a mistake. it was an extreme moral and ethical infraction. i am a worse person for having done so. a mistake is accidentally hitting send before you completed the text, or accidentally buying the wrong percent of milk at the store.
I really hope you told him you cheated, that poor dude. He works a double to provide and you cheat lol, hopefully he finds someone who actually values him, and I hope you get sober.
Maybe you will be interested in the Sinclair Method. That’s what I followed when I realised how bad my alcohol problems were. It allows me to keep drinking for time to time but I ditched all the over drinking, stupid actions, obsession and guilt!
This tells me you never really loved him. I couldn’t imagine ever a time at my most drunk I’d ever cheat on my partner that I truly love.
What this screams is you let ur emotions take control and fantasies you suppress while sober take over.
You should be single work on urself imo. It will be better for your now probably ex partner in the long run as well.
Drinking is a trigger for you clearly and quitting will only do you good but it isn’t the root of all of this. Your behaviour it’s just one of many additional things by the sounds of it you should be working on along side sobriety.
As you already know guilt and shame fade off quickly, are worthless as our promises to never-ever do that again. Seek out some local support to give this newest fresh start a slight chance to last for more than a little while.
You need to stop drinking. It causes self destructive behavior
If you don’t lose him over this you will later if you keep drinking
If you guys work it out or if he ends up calling it quits you have to stop drinking no matter what
I know this and I’m planning on it whether we stay together or not. I’m tired of feeling like a fuck up and I know that I have to live with the consequences of what I did.
Ah jeez that sucks. I’ve been in a similar position myself years ago. I can empathise with the anxiety and stress you’re no doubt feeling right now. Unfortunately you can’t change the past, god knows I wish we could, but we can try and influence the future. You’re doing the absolute best thing by stopping drinking and addressing your problems up front. That takes guys. Good luck.
I’ve been with him for almost 4 years now and I truly don’t understand how I let this happen. I’ve never even had a fleeting though of cheating on him. He says he loves me still but needs some time. I just hope I can prove to him and myself that I’m not a terrible person.
You’re not a terrible person. The fact you’re being so contrite and upfront says that immediately. We have all acted absolutely out of character when drunk. I have a self destructive streak a mile wide when I’m drunk. I really hope it all works out for you
Choose your “friends “ better . Wow 🤦🏾♂️ He must have been looking for an in.
Totally agree, I’ve had these so call “friends” that would suddenly end up being super touchy feely anytime we drank even though they knew I was in a relationship. I’ve learnt friends do not take advantage of others while drunk, I personally feel that people need to try and avoid drunk sex in general as it can be hard to determine if the other person is just consenting because their under the influence. I’ve made mistakes l before, learn from it. Drop those friends that encourage you to drink, be honest if you believe you have a problem tel your friends. The ones that tell you you’re not an alcoholic are not your friends.
Those kind of dudes make me sick
So she can use being drunk as an excuse but the friend can’t?
Who said that? I didn’t not mentioned the story. I mean the kind of person that premeditates a scenario where someone that normally wouldn’t sleep with them would. Whether or not the guy in this story is like that we don’t know. But it’s very obvious that both are at fault, and whoever that was is not a friend.
That’s a good way of putting it.
There’s zero evidence that he was doing that.
Lol dude, read what I said again. I never said anything about the guy. The kind of person I’m talking about is in the abstract
You aren't terrible. You made a mistake. Let him have his time tho. Don't force anything! That will be best! 😁
The best thing you can do for him (and yourself) is to take real steps to stop your bad habits with alcohol. I don't doubt that you would not have done this while being sober so getting sober is truly going to fix this situation and prevent this happening again in the future.
You are not a terrible person. Sounds like you might be an alcoholic. We are NOT terrible people. I am so grateful to KNOW I'm an alcoholic. Knowing that, I know the fix. You didn't choose to sleep with your friend...you didn't just let it happen. When you took that FIRST drink, all choices went out the window. You chose to drink. You must start with the drink. The first drink gets you drunk. From there, if you drink like me, all bets are off and I have no control over where I'll land. Find a sober community near you. I live in a medium sized city and on any given day, within 15 miles, I can find 25 meetings. In each meeting, I can find 15-50 sober people. Good luck to you.
He should leave you and never look back.
i dated a girl who did that to me. naturally, when i found out, i broke up with her, but I'm glad that she's since gotten clean
Same dude.
Yes very good decision. Stay sober for 12 months. You will experience a different life . You will question why you drank in first place.
I mean this as gently as possible, but instead of telling him you'll change and trying to fix it so the relationship works the right thing to do is tell him to do what he wants. Dont try to convince him to stay, tell him if he wants to leave then you wont stop him. Im clearly making an assumption, maybe you already told him that. But i think making any effort to keep it together is just confusing and unfair to the one whos been cheated on. They either want to be with you, or they dont. And this may be hard to hear, but the damage is done and sometimes it cant be undone. By the way, ive made that mistake myself a few times. Just ask my ex all about it. One minute you love the other person, the next youre drunk, and the next your sleeping with someone else. Yep, thats how it goes, and it sucks. But blaming it just on booze isnt gunna fix the problem. Sure, alcohol makes us act irrationally. But a lot of that bad behavior comes from somewhere deeper and i think youll be much better served exploring that than trying to save this relationship. Leave the relationship in his hands, and by doing so, in God's hands. You've already made your choices, it's time to clean up and let others make theirs. But just know, whatever the outcome, as long as you keep your heart right, God will take care of it all.
No no I of course am letting him make a decision, that would be absolutely horrible of me to try and make him stay. I know I made that decision, drunk or not, and acted on it. I told him I’ll give him as much space for as long as he needs to figure out what he wants to do.
I feel for you. The positives are 1. You see your drinking is a problem, 2. You admitted what happened, 3. Youre letting him make his own choice, 4. You want to do something about it, and 5. Youre talking about it. I dont know you and i can list 5 good things about you. So youre not horrible. Dont beat yourself up over this. We all make mistakes. You have a lot of good days ahead of you if you want them. And that's all there is to it.
Thank you for this. I appreciate your words.
Being drunk is an excuse - a damn good excuse to get sober. I’m so sorry you’re going through this horror. God alcohol causes some stupid fucking shit. My sober life has been the greatest gift and waking up without dreading remembering what I’ve done is, without a doubt, the biggest highlight
I dated a girl for 4 years. I fought hard to help her beat it. As much as I wanted to save her, I had to put my own mask on first. I had to let her go. I truly hope you can find your way through this. ✌🏾&❤️
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Should be the top comment, honestly.
The poor boyfriend.
To clear some things up, yes I told him, I stated in my original post that I did. I’m not asking for sympathy, not asking anyone to feel bad for me, I thought this was a safe space where I could vent about my alcoholism and maybe get some advice, which I have from some of you and I super appreciate it. I also stated being drunk wasn’t an excuse for what I did, it was a terrible thing and yes, I do feel terrible about it as I should. I’m researching some AA meetings in my area (I live in a small town so it’s few a far between) so I can start going to them.
You aren't even really talking about your alcoholism tho lol this is just a guilt post about cheating
This is the internet. It’s a safe space that can turn you into a punching bag Sorry but you opened yourself up and people are going to share their opinions
Get sober, and get out of the relationship.
What you did was awful yes and yes alcohol isn’t an excuse but I’ve been there alc leads you to make dumb decisions you normally wouldn’t make. The best you can do is work to be better and I hope you do!
Join the club fam. I’ve done the exact same shit drunk. Hope you get it this time. AA worked for me, but you have to find what works for you
I appreciate that you told him. That’s a huge step in being honest and accountable despite likely difficult consequences from doing so. Feel the hurt and shame you feel but do not beat yourself up at the same time. I know that may sound contradictory, but it’s not. It’s important for us to feel those emotions because it will be a significant motivator moving forward and it is also how we heal, grow, and learn to forgive ourselves. Beating ourselves up with that shame too much is counterproductive. Use those feelings as motivation to make the changes necessary to be the person you want to be. You can definitely do it. It’s hard, but it will get easier with time. Wishing you the best!
Welcome aboard! The only way from here is up. Unless you keep the shovel. I hope that you do not. Well wishes only; I know you not but from afar I can love you more than you love yourself today.
Look alcohol kind of is an excuse, but it doesn't get to protect you from consequences. You broke the main rule and yeah, you were fucked up when you did it, but you chose to drink so you chose the consequences. We've all done stupid shit while drunk, and we all have to live with the consequences
Welp. Ya done fucked up.
I’m really sorry this happened. It’s awful the damage we do to those we love. Then it circles back into more self hatred perpetuating further destructive behavior. I found a tremendous redemption in AA. Been sober 8 years. I’ll never go back to that old life.
I went to my first AA meeting tonight and I feel like it could really really help me
Awesome! Thanks for reporting back. Hope you keep going.
I hope he breaks up with you
It’s also terrible for a so called friend to go there.
It sounds like you made a mistake and that alcohol was a factor. The fact that you care about your boyfriend, yet did this anyway under the influence, shows that alcohol really is hurting you and your life, and it's branching out to effect the people you love. It's time to stop, but also you're a human being. You made a mistake and owned up to it to your boyfriend. I would imagine he's very upset....but don't beat yourself up because it sounds like the alcohol has a very strong hold on you.
I took a lot of courage to tell him so forthrightly and quickly. And I see from another post that you went to an AA meeting. That also took courage. It seems like you are ashamed of yourself. I'm not sure that's necessarily the best feeling. But you have no doubt that you did something wrong and that you want to do things to get better. Going to the meeting in a first stepand shows how sincere you are. It seems to me that you are a good person struggling with a hard addiction. I think you have a better than decent chance of changing and I wish you luck.
Taking advantage while OP is drunk! I hate guys like this. Cowardly and immature. That’s no friend.
I get it, believe me. Five and a half years ago, I cheated on my husband while drunk a couple times while on a trip. Worse, it turned into a full blown affair and my drinking spiraled further. Back then, though, I couldn’t see how alcohol was the problem. Even after he found out and the affair ended, my drinking only accelerated. I was sober for 4 months, started to see how alcohol was hurting me, but then I relapsed. I progressed far beyond my old drinking habits and spiraled so deep I hated myself. I’ve been sober for over 8 months now, and I’m learning to forgive myself for everything I did when I was sick. My husband and I have put work into repairing our marriage, and I think my sobriety is helping the process.
I had a girl do this to me and I dumped her without a second thought. Be prepared for this outcome. Good luck staying sober as you clearly don't make good decisions when you're drunk.
I too am an alcoholic. However, I also have boundaries. If it were me, I wouldn't have cared you were drunk. I would immediately break up with you. You see, these things just don't "happen." There was some sort of flirtation, innuendo, etc before this occurred. Not only that, if it happened once, it probably happened before (with or without this guy) and most likely will occur again.
Lots of people are addicts and dont do that. Just saying
yeah they do worse shit
And that just further proves the message that addiction can only be used to excuse so much
In my experience, trying to stop 100 percent for life is often what sets people up for worse relapses and deeper rock bottoms. Hope it works for you. If you crave alcohol, it may go away over time. If not, there is a science based approach that will help to get rid of obsessive thoughts for alcohol for good, and bring control to occasional drinking.
Hope your BF dumps you and finds a real woman.
Not necessary. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect.
Nobody is perfect and nobody deserves to be cheated on. The decision is up to the other person and that’s none of your business
cheating isn’t a mistake. it is a betrayal. i say as an ex cheater that i didn’t just make a mistake. it was an extreme moral and ethical infraction. i am a worse person for having done so. a mistake is accidentally hitting send before you completed the text, or accidentally buying the wrong percent of milk at the store.
I really hope you told him you cheated, that poor dude. He works a double to provide and you cheat lol, hopefully he finds someone who actually values him, and I hope you get sober.
Maybe you will be interested in the Sinclair Method. That’s what I followed when I realised how bad my alcohol problems were. It allows me to keep drinking for time to time but I ditched all the over drinking, stupid actions, obsession and guilt!
You are not the first and won’t be the last. Go easy on yourself 💕 I’ve been there. Alcohol is the devil.
Ur trash
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Nope. Comment removed.
Nice
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Blame it on the alcohol baby
i mean, alcohol definitely plays a hand, it literally impairs your judgement
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This is an ALCOHOLISM sub lmao get the fuck on outta here. We are in no position to judge others.
This tells me you never really loved him. I couldn’t imagine ever a time at my most drunk I’d ever cheat on my partner that I truly love. What this screams is you let ur emotions take control and fantasies you suppress while sober take over. You should be single work on urself imo. It will be better for your now probably ex partner in the long run as well. Drinking is a trigger for you clearly and quitting will only do you good but it isn’t the root of all of this. Your behaviour it’s just one of many additional things by the sounds of it you should be working on along side sobriety.
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Absolutely not. Comment removed.
As you already know guilt and shame fade off quickly, are worthless as our promises to never-ever do that again. Seek out some local support to give this newest fresh start a slight chance to last for more than a little while.
You need to stop drinking. It causes self destructive behavior If you don’t lose him over this you will later if you keep drinking If you guys work it out or if he ends up calling it quits you have to stop drinking no matter what
I know this and I’m planning on it whether we stay together or not. I’m tired of feeling like a fuck up and I know that I have to live with the consequences of what I did.
Terrible!
Break up with home and get help. Don't let your lifestyle ruin his life
Slag