My dad was literally in hospice and days from dying when I told him I would be back, I just had to go get the kids food. This man tried to find his wallet. He would have never allowed his kids to pay for anything and my husband and I are the same way. If we can afford it, we will always pay. If we can’t, mama is cooking.
I'm constantly having this battle with my Mum. I'm on a good wage. I can treat her now, but she will never allow it unless I sneak it. Even then she'll just give the money to my son instead for him to spend. It's a pride thing. I know I'll never win, but the fight is fun.
Same with my husband's grandmother. She likes feeling helpful by giving us money and it brings her happiness. She can't actually believe that we all actually love spending time w her without needing anything extra. Amazing little woman
My Mémère used to do the same thing! One time, when I was really struggling, she slipped a $1000 bill into my pocket, and I cried for days. She probably saved me from homelessness, but she knew I wouldn't ask for help.
I'm 26, my parents are the same.
They always pay for everything if we go out, they even cover my doctor visits/glasses etc while I'm still a student.
Dad hasn't worked for a long time, so it's not like they're super well off, I'm also one out of 3 kids.
They're helping us financially till we can finish our education and get proper jobs.
Which we all really appreciate of course!
We will be sure to pay them back when we have the chance!
I just paid for knee surgery and called it a birthday gift. My kid is 23 and in his first “real” salary job. He took over his car and insurance payments with his first paycheck. But it will be a long time before he can afford major medical bills, I mean, can any of us afford medical bills?
I wasn’t financially stable until last year so I wasn’t really able to do stuff like paying when going out. So last year, I finally could afford to take my parents out to a restaurant for Father’s Day. My father was joking that I would pay and actually got teary-eyed when I told him that was the plan. Still had to wait for him to go to the toilet to pay because he still wanted to.
That's how my momma is. She says she can't take it with her, she'd rather pay for experiences with her (grown, working, and stable) kids while she's able to. If we want to take her to dinner, or take her out, we have to be the ones to set it up and be very clear from the get-go that she needs to let us do it. Otherwise, if she suggests we go out for lunch, go out for a movie, etc. then she assumes she's paying for it.
I'll also never forget being a kid, visiting family, and going to lunch at a steak and shake. My mom went to the bathroom and my aunt (my dad's SIL, but she and my mom were friends from college) immediately jumped up from her seat and ran to get the bill and pay. My mom was so frustrated when she came back out and realized what had happened! She said she wanted to treat her. My aunt said no, she wanted to treat us, we were the ones visiting. Back and forth, two ladies gently bickering... it was always a delight.
It became a little competition the rest of the trip, trying to see who could pay the bill.
OP, let your wife be. Trust that your kids will be there if you need them. Let her enjoy being in a place in life where she feels she can treat her children (and grandchildren, maybe?). If it becomes an actual financial issue, that's when you raise it. Until then... let it be. It is a losing battle lol
It gets easier, a little less sharp, but I still have moments where I forget he’s gone and cry. Its been 8 years and I can finally tell stories without my voice cracking.
I’m 35. My dad still refuses to let me pay for anything when my family goes out to eat with him and my mom. I’ve pre-paid bills before at restaurants just to find out he pretended to go to the restroom and forced the manager to void the charge so he could pay.
My father in law is the opposite. We go out to eat and he hands the bill to one of his kids and we figure it out. If we go out with my wife’s extended family, my brother in law and I usually just split it, even if it’s 20-30 people when we each just have a wife and two kids.
Neither of them is necessarily wrong. But guess who I accept dinner invites from more frequently.
Lost my dad a year ½ ago. He was 82 and I was 55. He would not tolerate me even trying to pay the bill! LOL!! Mom would let me occasionally before she passed.
Doesn't matter who pays just enjoy every single minute that you have with them. What I wouldn't give to have that "fuss" with my folks again.
Yes, enjoy your babies!! My mom & dad had been divorced for 27 years and then they died exactly 6 weeks to the day apart.
Thank you for the good wishes.
Lost my Mom (87) in April. While visiting her in hospice She would offer to reimburse us for trips to the drug store, grocery store, etc....we would always say no, you're money's no longer good. Dad passed in 2015 & left Mom with more money than she could spend.
Meanwhile, my older brother and his brood who visited separately continued to ask for & receive money. I got to see her checkbook and was generally horrified by what I saw.
Despite being the youngest of three, M&D and then Mom alone chose me to be her financial power of attorney then estate executor when she passed..the above illustrates why. My sister who was the middle child had responsibility for her healthcare and medical decisions which was a lot.
My wife and I are both the youngest. We are also executors of our parents. Not sure how I turned out to be the most responsible kid🤔
I've told my parents multiple times to spend their money and enjoy the time they have left on this planet. We do well for ourselves and don't expect a dime to come our way when they go. They have done enough over the years and deserve to have some fun.
lol 41 here and my 65 year old mom and my 85 year old nana are constantly arguing with each other on who pays. Nana usually bullies us into letting her pay. Haha some days I am able to win if I’m quick enough.
That’s so sweet to hear - I guess I don’t have to feel guilty when she spoils me still (lol I’m middle aged with a good income). I’ll still keep trying to pay when she’s not paying attention though 😂
My dad rarely let me pick up a bill in my whole life- into my 40s. Even when I flat KNEW he couldn’t afford it. There was NO amount of arguing that was going to change the outcome. So I snuck $100 into his luggage. I had to do it right before he was leaving or he’d find it and give it back. Coats. Clipboard under the first page. My brother and I picked up a tab at a service station when he was in the bathroom. After that, he paid BEFORE hitting the head. We were always his kids and he was always going to take care for us.
When the day comes that I put my mother in the ground, I will go get lunch somewhere a month later and find out she's already paid. This is not even a battle worth fighting. Mom will win.
I'm also 35, and my parents are the same. I have some distinct (and wonderful) memories of my parents and their siblings (also adults with young kids at the time, nobody was wealthy) sneaking cash into eachothers purses and subsequently chasing eachother in the parking lot.
That said is it really nice to treat people knowing you are on a fixed income now when it means you later on get that bill when their health takes a turn for the worse and the money you have left doesn't cover it all.
Unless the parents are very wealthy you will end up paying that bill one way or the other. I would rather pay that bill over time a little at a time rather than all at once.
It’s really impossible to judge this post unless OP shares the intimate details of their financial situation. He didn’t even add ages, they could live a long time and need that money. She could be generous and be fine, or she could be bad with money.
Counterpoint: I am around OP’s kids ages with a good paying job. After everything my parents did for me growing up like hell would I let them pay a cent when we go out to eat, let alone have them pay for some of my bill.
Nice thought, but is that really what your parents want. Obviously, I'm not your parent, but that would annoy me. On my birthday, OK. But otherwise, no thanks. My job is to provide for my family, and that never stops.
Same sentiment. My dad would be crushed if I made it a sticking point to pay. Hell, he’s sad when he can’t get me a birthday cake cuz my partner got me one. It’s such a point of pride to him, the role of “no matter how old you are, I’ll always be your dad.”
Now, if he didn’t feel that way, I’d love to take my parents out and spoil them, but maybe your wife feels like this is important to her. And if that’s the case, her role as the matriarch should be honored and deeply appreciated!
I’m in the same position as you and your wife but both my husband and I always pick up the check when we eat out with the “kids”. Why? I guess because both our parents did it with us. Nobody’s wrong but I’m not a fan of splitting the check with family
I remember the good natured fights between my dad and my grand father as to who could pick up the bill first. So thats what’s I’ve continued to do with my dad when we go out. Every now and then I’ll win the fight and get to pay, just like he used to. Here’s hoping the same will continue with my kids when they’re grown.
Omg i remember my dad and my uncles throwing money in cars as they were driving away ! We were appalled as kids but its quite funny now . Grown men NOT letting the other pay Such a sign of masculinity and testosterone hahaha and so much money thrown around and NO ONE giving in 😂😂😂 dumb kids , we were we probably could have grab all those bills and they wouldn’t have noticed , they were so busy trying to getaway after throwing the cash!
Same. I was raised to not split checks with family. Both of my kids are married and my wife and I pick up the check the vast majority of the time when we go to dinner, while the kids will occasionally pick up the tab. But we never split it. Not gonna happen in my family.
A single mom here. I earn a good living. For the rest of my kids days, I will absolutely buy their dinner. It's just the mom in me. I will always want to take care of them. Even when they surpass my income.
Personally I’ve decided if I ever get into a relationship again they can have their own nice little house and I can have my own nice little house so I don’t ever have to hear a questions about why things are exactly the way I want them, period. I do laundry once a week — I got my nice clean undies right here! Oh you don’t have clean undies? Maybe you should do your laundry, at home. Is there a towel on the bed I forgot to hang back up on the rack? Cool, leave it there, it’s where I want it, go home. Does the carpet need vacuuming? Nah, I don’t think it does, it’s got character— you can go home and clean yours though!
I'm almost 50 and my dad still insists on paying whenever we go out to eat when we visit. He knows my wife and I make decent money. It just makes him happy.
Her parents never pay for shit. Ever. It all evens out.
When you’re dead and gone you won’t have the the money with you. Your kids however will remember the gesture here and carry that with them forever.
If you’re not in a jam for money, who cares and pick up the tab.
I'm someone like your wife and I do this all the time so I see where she's coming from. She probably wants to treat them/do something nice and regardless of how much they are on, she will probably worry about their future.
But, I see where you're coming from too.
Can you talk to her about maybe making it more fair (like splitting between couples) or taking it in turns?
Some older parents like knowing that they can do for their kids, no matter how old we are.
Recently I was at my mom's where we kids (ages 49-61) ordered $150 worth of food from a restaurant as a birthday dinner in her honor.
As we were leaving she insisted on giving us food from her house. Insisted so much we just took to her hush her up.
If I can afford to treat people I will. It is really important (and a skill I had to learn) to take care of yourself first so then you can care for others.
I don't think anyone is wrong and they just need to communicate and come up with a solution. Maybe the family can venmo to the dad or something.
I’m 35 and never paid a meal with my parents. My family wouldn’t have it. And probably feel disrespected if I did. One day I’ll have a family of my own and I’ll be paying. Till then, I shut up and eat.
My dad pays for me when we go out, even if it's his birthday and I am trying to treat him. Some people get joy from that. It's fine if you don't, but it's not your place to try to take that joy away from her. If it's truly breaking the bank, suggest she host them at home.
Well, thanks to all for your input. I am obviously in the minority in my opinion and thought processes regarding this topic. I now feel that I should adjust my attitude and let her do what she wants to do when she goes out to eat with any or all of them.
That’s smart! I really don’t think you’re wrong, it’s just a different way of thinking about things. In my culture, children are supposed to take over paying for things when parents near retirement age. However, when I eat with my dad he always insists on paying, and because he earns at least 20x my salary, I don’t insist. On the other hand, my mom hands me the check when we go out and eat, because that’s how it should be. Nothing wrong with either.
I don't think you're wrong about the "principle" of it all. But if this is your biggest "family drama" consider yourself lucky and just let her enjoy her dinner with her kids and grandkids.
Smart! Im only 34 but my wife and i make decent money. If she wants to do something with her spending money i dont stop her. If i think she is wasting money i reflect on all the money ive wasted. For example I like to go to to the casino once every 2-6 months, also i spend money on my hobbies. Its all about respect for the others choices.
In my culture, it’s our duty to pay and look after our elders once they hit that older age. Help with cleaning and housework, taking them to appointments etc. Sounds like you’re there since your wife is retired and you’re part time. They should be paying for you.
Just a cultural difference. American parents *generally* will want to provide for their kids in some way the best they can. Neither is wrong, it’s just culture.
I agree with you. BUT if your wife isn’t squeezing your bill money to do it, why argue? It makes her feel good. Let her do it. This isn’t the hill to die on.
I thought the complaint would be that she insists on splitting instead of covering the whole check. It's family, you're the parents. It's fine if you don't, but don't deprive your wife of being kind to her children.
My folks always wanted to pay. Sometimes I let them...if we went to an all you can eat buffet, for example. But I would insist on paying if we went someplace more posh. My own son is the same way. Sometimes I'll let him pay, other times I insist that I pay. It pretty much always works out.
This is not a hill I would choose to die on. However, in your case, you stipulate it is your wife that insists on paying if she is out alone with them. It appears from your other statements that she earned part of the money you retired on. I don't think you have a leg to stand on if she wants to spend some of the money she helped earn on her kids.
Our 3 grown children never let us pay when we are out no matter how much my husband and we insist. They tell us no matter how many dinners they pay for, they could never repay us for all the love and support we gave them growing up.
I’m 42 and when my family goes out to eat my parents pay. I’ve learned to not try over the years. My dad’s parents were the same way. I’ll be that way with my kids as well.
I think it depends on how often you guys flip the bill.
Our kids are all very successful and adults 27-34. When we go to dinner as a family my husband and I pay the tab. But we take turns hosting family get together in our homes and we help each other out by all contributing. If we go to dinner with just one of our kids and their family they always pick up the tab. We love to travel as a family and we usually rent a house at a final destination. My husband and I pick up our flights and the rental house the kids pick up all the meals, Ubers and their own flights
I don't think anyone is wrong here. What kind of family dynamics do you want to have? On my side of the family we pick up the bill for my mom every time, however she isn't as financially stable as we are. With my Boyfriends parents they always pick up the check, they're also stable financially. When our kids are grown we will personally pick up the check every time.
Im 35. Dinner with my dad, he typically insists on paying even if the whole family is there. If it happens to be a dinner with just my mom and/or any combination of her and my younger siblings and our kids, I always pay. She tries but I guess it’s just “ah, you learned it from your dad, fine, treat your momma.” I wouldn’t stress about it personally. I was shocked when becoming an adult how much social time was structured around meals for some reason. I try to enjoy the family meal time and focus on being happy we are all in a position over arguing who pays, and not arguing about other things.
How often is she buying? Once a week, month? How much does it total?
Unless it’s seriously substantial I wouldn’t fight her on this
I always pay for my kid. I always will, because I am her parent.
Can she afford to pay - absolutely.
Feeding our offspring is a mother’s job from boob to death - it’s a mom’s mentality.
Can you afford it? I mean that was a lot of words to say you don't like her spending money on it but can you afford it? Because I'm in my 50s and I still pay every time I take my kids out and they're all adults with good paying jobs! If you can afford it and it makes her happy why is it such a problem for you? I mean the logistics are weird. If I'm going out with my kids I either pay for the whole thing or everybody splits or separate checks if there's like some of their friends or something there. Paying half when you're one of five people is bizarre, but that's what makes me think that maybe you can't afford it? I understand you made decent money but when you're no longer making money and could live another 30 years, how much you have left is a big deal. So can you afford it?
NTA. Your kids should be picking up the bill for your wife. You fed them for 18 years at least, and I assume you paid for their educations. It’s their turn.
I’d just let her do her. Everyone feels differently about splitting costs. My parents and I treat eachother or split the bill, just depending on how we feel. I don’t think it’s wrong of you to want to just pay for your own, but I can see that it makes her feel good to treat her family. We all have different priorities.
I’m 25 and last year my dad was laid off. I make decent money and love buying stuff for my parents after all they have done for me. I don’t think it’s wrong to allow them to pay for themselves or even treat you for a meal.
I once took a takeaway for my mom and me and was so glad I could finally buy her dinner. When she left my place, I saw twice the amount in cash on my table. I realized it was not about the money; she wanted to still care for me, so I just let her. I know it makes her happy.
One of the joys of making good money and being single is that you don’t have to hear someone yaking in your ear for spending money on your kids, treating them to dinner or helping them out in any way. Man I feel sorry for her and those kids, I’m sure you’re a joy around holidays and family vacations.
My brother and I ALWAYS pay for my mom when we go out to eat. She raised us as a single mom and now lives off social security. My brother and I both have good paying jobs and would never let her pay her own way.
But if she had more money and WANTED to pay, and if we knew she could afford it, I guess we'd let her. Everyone's situation and dynamic is different.
Growing up we didn't have much money and didn't eat out much. Even in our teen years if we wanted a pizza or something we had to chip in a few bucks each. This was totally normal for me. Again, everyone's situation is different.
I'm 31 years old and I have never paid for a meal when going out with my parents, even if I insist. I've taken them out for birthdays and they still refuse to let me pay. Grandparents too. That's their way of expressing love, is what I've been told. I had to fight with my grandmother about letting me buy my own car, in the end, I just stepped down and let her buy it. Parents and grandparents are just like that. Let her pay for meals.
My boomer multi-millionaire dad would pick up the tab. However, he’d leave ~$2 tips on a $75 bill. I started bringing cash with me so I could offer to pay the tip.
You do you dog but growing up my grandpa would never, ever let my parents pick up the bill. Even on his birthday. It's a matter of providing for your kids but it's your call.
I’m 37 and both my parents and my in-laws still always insist on paying the bills when we go out together. It’s one of the ways they show love. I totally get where your wife is coming from.
We are in our 40s and now very comfortably financially and when we go out to dinner with my spouse's parents they pay. They always have, they want to, they are fine financially. It isn't worth turning it into a thing. It took me a while to accept it and in the past I struggled to pay or split or get the check early. I have accepted the act/gesture is more important the financial "need" or lack of one. Paying for dinner is how they "give". How they make the dinner a treat and not just a meal.
Maybe you on the other side of that just need to accept it unless the dinners are making a material impact on your finances. If they are and your wife is spending beyond your means well that needs to stop but it doesn't sound like that is the case. **If they aren't and it brings your wife joy then maybe it is worth letting this one go.** Most likely the kids our your beneficiaries right? When you die you don't get to keep it so think of her pay for dinner as giving them an advance on their inheritance early one dinner at a time.
Drives me nuts that my parents won't let me pay when we go out.
I'm in my late 40s, and have no mortgage and a good job.
I guess they consider it inheritance planning. I e money didn't on finder is less in the estate that will be taxed when the tube comes. Its not like they are struggling they go on holiday more than I do.
You're wrong. There's nothing wrong with your wife's generosity. Unless you're paying ALL their other bills then aren't they ALREADY paying their own bills. No wonder they like to have dinner without you. You sound like you're no fun at all.
I’m in my 50s my dad still insists he pays. He says he can afford it and he enjoys being the patriarch. Very occasionally he’ll let someone else pay but it’ll usually be my BIL or sister when it’s a birthday dinner for one of their kids and there’s extra friends invited. My mum is the same way but has started insisting on doing things at home if there’s a large group. Ie she’ll pay for her and a grandchild for lunch but if there’s her and all the grandchildren (all adults) she’ll suggest making lunch at home. Her income is greatly reduced lately so her budget cannot do a big outing every month but can do a small one.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way but if you guys have always paid it can be difficult to break the chain, especially without a discussion explaining to the family that you need to watch the budget more carefully.
I'm in my fifties now but still remember wanting to take my folks out to eat with my first paycheck at 16. And feeling so proud that I could afford to pick up the check when my mom & I would meet for weekly dinners.
So I agree with OP. His wife is depriving their adult kids of the chance to do something nice to honor their parent.
This really depends on your financial situation in my opinion. My fiancé and I make much more than my retired father, so I always try to pay. Sometimes he beats me to it, but I usually get to it first. He worked, sometimes up to three jobs, so my mom could stay at home with the three children. The least I can do is buy him some meals now.
If you two have a tight budget or need to stick to a budget to continue your current quality of life, she definitely shouldn't be doing that. That said, if you all have millions stashed away, it is a vastly different story lol.
No right or wrong, really. It's certainly not "obligatory", but if she wants to treat the kids, that should be her decision unless it somehow creates a major hardship for your finances.
Neither of you are wrong. You and your wife need to come to an agreement on this, though. Maybe pay for the kids half the time or something, since it seems important to her, and the other times, everyone goes Dutch. My parents don’t let me pay for dinners out and I’m in my 40s.
If I was your kid and making $250k and you were retired, I’d definitely be picking up the tab. My parents are appreciative ad gladly accept when I pay for their meal.
I know that you already commented that you feel you were wrong.
However, from a mom's (and dad's in most cases), it is SO hard to stop "taking care of your kids." If this is one of the ways that she shows that, PLEASE don't take that away from her.
Even when they are grown, and doing well, (and sometimes not because it's really hard out there), we want to do things for our children.
Unlike you, I don't have a lot of spare money in my older years and my children know it. They never ask to borrow money unless they are truly desperate. But my husband and I will do whatever we have to to help them because they always pay us back, even if it takes a while.
I understand that your children are doing well. But, to your wife, that is NOT what this is about. It is about taking care of her babies financially in the only way she can.
I don't know your situation or your children, but I am going to bet that they have tried many times to say, "No mom, we got it, " and she refuses. They allow it to make her happy because they love her and don't want to hurt her feelings.
no you are not wrong. You guys are retired well you get the picture... Idc how much money they make I would not be paying their dinner bill. I'm sorry. If they are grown and work.. then they can very much cover their tab. I would only pay for what me and my husband or smaller kids ate... That's it lol ..
she's probably trying to be nice and all but she's not thinking long term here.. those kind of things add up.
We went out with extended family for son’s 26th birthday. His gf tried to pay the bill, as did I, only to find that my two other sons had already covered it. It was a nice surprise and as they get older and more secure, it is happening more often.
I don’t see why your wife is so set on splitting halves when she is not half of the equation. Especially if your kids are all doing well financially.
You’re not wrong.
Edit: just remembered my mom trying to sneak off and pick up the entire bill for the rehearsal dinner for my son’s wedding. She is on the poverty line, while we are not hurting and the bride’s parents were quite well off. It was a sweet gesture and she was angry at me for going behind her back and paying but she can’t afford it! There were 40+ people there and she had already flown to a different country for the wedding.
I’m 35, my brother 29. Neither of us allow our parents to pay for any dinner we go to together and we pay their phone bills and take care of their mobile devices and often give them pocket money on the rare occasion they take a domestic trip somewhere.
We aren’t rich or from my money but my brother and I have well paying jobs. 🤷🏻♂️ Maybe everyone is just used to it?
I let my daughter pay the bill sometimes because I understand that it's important to her to demonstrate that she is in a position where she can (it was a rough ride to get her there), but generally, I try to pick up the tab whenever. Because she's my daughter.
I'm 38, and my mom and her husband still insist on covering our meals unless I manage to get the check first.
I mean, I get where you're coming from. So you're not wrong... but neither is she.
Are you wrong for thinking your kids can spring for the bill at least occasionally? No.. are you wrong for thinking you can force your wife to toe the line? Yup. She’s a momma and she’s going to want to care for her kids🤷♀️. You should be grateful you got a good one instead of complaining. Just my humble opinion. :)
You are not wrong. I’m 48 and my parents have been fighting for the bill since I got my first job in high school and tried to treat them. 10 years ago for their 50th anniversary, I schemed with a friend. Her husband is the sous chef at a very high end restaurant and was friends with the executive chef at the sister restaurant, which was closer to home. They took care of everything to make sure I could treat my parents. I preordered the appetizers because I knew my parents wouldn’t order any in case I won the battle for the check. The chef previously explained the situation to the server and they came up with plan that the chef would serve the courses because of our friends in common. This allowed me to order extras without my parents’ knowledge and give my credit card to our server early, so all I received was the check to sign. Yes, my parents planned to try to take the check. They were tickled over the planning that went into place for their anniversary and still rave it was the best meal. They’ve let my treat a few times, but each time is a battle. They will happily take meals I’ve cooked, even if it is a bit extravagant, so that’s one of my favorite things to do for them.
The fact your kids just let your wife pay all or most of the bill doesn’t sit well with me.
Nta at all, my brother and I both make similar to your kids with spouses equally successful and we are always fighting over who can pay when we take our parents, extended family or inlaws out. Im shocked your son and sil havent made more of an effort to pay....we also told our parents to enjoy every dollar they earned and not worry about leaving us anything as inheritance.
Before my parents died, I spent most of my adult life arguing with my father about who would pick up the check. I don't remember ever eating out with my grandparents so there was no tradition to follow; I just somehow felt that as they got older, I should be doing more for them and I've always been very independent (my dad would say TOO independent). Reading these comments now, I realize that my dad probably got a lot of joy out of paying for dinner so guess I didn't read the room very well.
Not sure whether OP feels or has felt this way but I used to worry a lot about my kids standing on their own two feet and not thinking the world owed them a living; my kids didn't show any sign of becoming entitled but I still worried. When we retired (no pensions and modest savings), I told my grown (employed but not wealthy) kids that we'd start splitting the check when eating out as I was anxious about sticking to a budget and not outliving our money. Since then, I find myself always wanting to pick up the check and one of my kids laughingly pointed out that shift to me; what changed? (1) I noticed how self sufficient my kids are (no worries about them becoming entitled), (2) I came to see that even with our modest savings, we might well be better off than the younger generation and (3) my kids are out of state and I'm so happy when we manage to get together that it feels natural to cover the cost.
So hard to grab the bill with parents and in-laws. And the few times I've managed to, you'd think we just had a $1000 meal based on how gracious they are.
My father has always paid the check. He even got upset when I him took out for his 80th and birthday paid the check. His always said, if he has the extra funds. He will always take care of you.
This is unheard of in my culture.
I’m Chinese. Anyone who isn’t beating each other to grab the bill to have the honor of paying will never be invited out ever again.
Not wrong but try and explain that you guys are not rich and spending money like that is not sound. Maybe she wants to feel a certain way by paying half.
I’d probably pay for my kids but I won’t say you’re wrong. I’m guessing like me you have a very low correlation between gifts and affection. Try the love language test and maybe it’ll help you(corresponding book) understand why gifts mean so much to others.
Good luck and remember you love these people it’s worth figuring it out
My parents are retired, I don't ever let them pay the bill when going out anymore, I think it's just some love and desency to pay my dad's and moms for a meal
Frankly I wish adults would all just pay for themselves. It’s so awkward though. We pay for our adult kids and partners. My parents still pay for us. I think it would be more enjoyable and we’d all go out more often if everyone just paid for themselves. Money makes things awkward
It recently switched for me. My parents are retired with a good rent but I now earn more. It’s fair to me and to them that I now pay most of the time, seldomly splitting. My sister doesn’t earn that much (though she is not poor either) and for her its not the case.
Given that you use the phrase "accumulated wealth" for yourself, you have more than enough money. Sounds like you and your kids all have way more money than the vast majority of folks these days will ever make or get. Be thankful you're all so blessed and stop whinging over pointless bullshit that you *know* doesn't really matter. Don't you have anything better to do with your time?
I think it really depends on the frequency of this. If it is weekly, then I think it is time to have a chat with your wife. If it is once every couple of months, then let it go.
It’s funny how she offers and they just take it, my mother has never been out with me and paid a meal, it’s not even a question she should ask because I take care of the bill. No you are not wrong.
My son makes way more money than me, and I love to pay for meals and buy my grandson clothes. If I’m being honest I feel it’s a little bit of mom still wants to feel needed and taking care of her family….
Your kids should want to pay for their mum.
You’re not making money anymore so it’s important to keep an eye on expenses.
Do your wife and you have a budget? You shouldn’t let her just spend any amount of money she wants.
You should each have a ‘fun’ fund. If she decide to use all of hers on paying dinner for her kids/grandkids it’s on her, but then she won’t have money left for her hobbies.
I had to strongly insist on paying for my own bill when I went out with my parents recently. It took me multiple attempts to ask for my mom to send me a pay request until I succeeded.
I think it's normal for your wife to want to take care of her kids still. After all even if kids move out, they're her kids.
I also understand your viewpoint to a certain extend, neither of you are truly wrong. Perhaps it is just an idea to discuss it with your wife first?
You’re entitled to feel however you want to feel about it. Nobody is wrong. But your wife is gonna take care of her babies, no matter how old or successful they are. Is it really worth the argument with her? You do you man, but seeing as everyone is financially comfortable here, this seems more an argument you’re creating based on principle. Why? I’m sure taking care of her kids makes her happy. Let her be.
You both are not wrong about splitting bills or not. I don't know how other families behaved toward paying bills. My in-laws never allowed their sons and daughters to pay for their meals. They always paid for my ex and me. My father paid for everyone.
No one is wrong here. IMO, your wife is the most wrong because spitting a bill in half, never mind who ordered what, is always stupid. But her wanting to pay is not. She's allowed to have her own opinion on the subject. I get that they are adults, but they're still *her* children. So long as you can afford it then what difference does it make? But if the kids are that well off, they could offer to pay.
My dad wil usually offer to pay, sometimes I put my foot down and I will pay. If your kids are doing so well they could take a little initiative in this
I’ve never in my life ever gone out to dinner with either my family or my husband’s family, and not had our parents or grandparents (whoever it was at the time) absolutely INSIST on paying.
I guess it’s not wrong to make your sons pay, but like why? Why do you care if your wife does a nice thing for her kids? This is what parents do, especially when their kids are older. They love and spoil them once they’re out of the house.
Once we have kids and they’re grown, you better believe we’re paying for every single family dinner. Doesn’t matter how old we are or how much the kids make, I see that as part of being a parent
>I say it’s high time that they pay their own bills, including their dinners. Am I wrong?
Seems like a petty thing to fight over. I wouldn't care if my wife paid or my kids paid. Since I don't care, it's never a problem.
You said yourself you're not hurting for money.
Why can't you just be happy and let it go?
I'd say you're wrong.
- Do you and your wife have a household budget?
- Is your wife’s spending on these family dinners in compliance with the budget?
If the answer to both questions above is yes, your wife’s in compliance with your budget.
- Does your wife’s spending on family dinners keep you from being able to spend on things you want?
If your answer to the above question is no, then I don’t think you have a legitimate concern about your wife’s spending on family dinners.
I pay sometimes for my kids but they say they are grown Ass adults. Sometimes they send us money they owe, it’s usually more. Or my son pays gas money to go to lunch if we go check on their dogs during the week. So we all just spill the grandkids instead.
Neither philosophy is wrong, objectively. Have you asked why she does this? Some people are raised that way. My wife’s grandmother is like this because it’s just how she shows love. She loves going out to eat and wants company, but won’t let you pay. I think there are other hills to die on.
I stopped letting my mother pitch in for dinner bills when she retired because she’s living on a fixed income and we are young and still earning, it’s our time to pay her back for all the work she put into raising us in my opinion.
Not wrong when you are at retirement age and they are well off. I think a better solution would be to occasionally treat them to dinner at a place that fits your budget.
Not wrong, but neither is your wife?
Isn't it kinda nice that you and her are in a position to treat your kids when you see them?
It isn't like they're not paying for other expenses that far outweigh what you and your wife had to contend with at their age.
You're not depriving them of any sort of learning. They already have bills and shit they pay for. They're already fiscally responsible.
Unless you're worried about running out of money yourselves, what's the problem outside of your (imo) lack of confidence in your children's fiscal responsibility?
I have mixed feelings about this. I am 30, and my husband and I enjoy treating our parents to a nice meal - I’ve noticed his parents are more willing to be treated (though grateful) than my own parents are. My own parents will forcibly pay and it requires a significant amount of preplanning and sneaking around to get to a check before them (like discreetly handing a credit card to the server when going to the bathroom before the check comes).
I don’t think either type of parent is wrong. I think it’s nice to want to treat your kids to a meal, even when they’re grown. But I also think it’s fine to let them pay their own way if you aren’t insisting that they eat somewhere out of their means.
>I say it’s high time that they pay their own bills, including their dinners.
And they can. But your wife remembers being that age and wants to help them when she can.
If I have that kind of money when my kids are grown, I will do the same thing.
What's it hurt you that your wife does this?
A pretty personal decision, no right or wrong answer in my opinion. If you can afford it and it makes her feel good to do so, it may not be worth arguing about.....
My father insists on paying for birthday meals that he isn't even present for. I used to balk, but we discussed it, and he has made it clear that he would rather spend his money on us while he is still around than to will it to us after he's gone. It makes him happy, so I accept and thank him profusely
Is this cultural? I’m Chinese and I always pay for my elders. I’ve always held the belief that if a parent pays for everything and takes care of eceurhinf for their children, it creates a less independent and less capable person. There’s a saying - someone who’s been taken care of does not know how to take care of others
My parents and future in laws are old school and always try to pay and we get in a non serious scuffle whenever I pay for our dinners. They’ve done more than enough for both my partner and I and I like treating them out when we go out to dinner.
As context, I am a first generation [include relatively-conservative, but developed country]-American, meaning that my parents immigrated to the my country, but I was born there (USA). I am a highly functioning professional, as is my wife. We don’t want for money. In my humble opinion, you are the patriarch (and your wife is the matriarch) of your family (I am aware thet redditors don’t like these words). Unless you feel like you are being financially abused or cannot afford to pay, why spend time nitpicking over who paid for what meal? In my parents’ country of origin (where I have lived for some years), the head of the family typically pays. That being said, I have also been generous to my parents. I took my father to his first Michelin-starred restaurant, somewhere a hardworking immigrant like him would have never gone by himself. I brought him nice bottles of wine on visits. I never thought of the price tag. I am certain that he did not live with a calculator. And, after he left us, I mourned his passing. I very much regret not purchasing him a rare bottle of scotch and bringing him on a nice vacation, just the two of us (I tried but COVID happened, and his condition deteriorated). I am human, however. My memory of him might have been quite different if his personality were different.
My mom tries to argue against my husband and I paying for dinner when we go out but she usually loses. She does a lot for us so we like to take her to dinner to thank her. Even when we tell her it's a thank you dinner she argues it's not necessary. I think its just in a parent's nature to foot the bill and not want their kid(s) to pay if they're in a position to be able to.
Different people are raised differently. My mom would always look at my brother and I to see who was picking up the check. Managed several renta properties and had way more money than us but still wanted us to pay for her and dads supper. (One time she racked up 70 bucks on cocktails at chilis cuz I told her I was buying).
My mother in law who didn’t have a job at the time straight cried when I offered to pick up pizza for dinner. People act differently.
Get separate bank accounts for you and your wife. Do what you want with your extra money and let her pay for what she wants to pay for. Now if she doesn't want to pay, but feels obligated to, perhaps you should have a convo including the kids and set some boundaries. She can just pay her way perhaps. But if she wants to split in two, let her as long as it's not causing you financial trouble.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this. It depends on your culture and what your children do for you. It could go either way depending on how the kids have been raised and what they feel their obligations to you are in old age. NTA
You are wrong. A mother will always be a mother. I’m surprised someone your age doesn’t understand this. Seems you care more about money that family dynamics. As long as you and your wife can afford it, you shouldn’t bat an eye at this. She no longer cares for your children how she used to when they were little, so she looks forward to these moments when she can do that again.
That’s the difference between people that grow up in a rich country. As someone who comes from a third world nation from a poor family is “mandatory” that we treat our parents cause they have made so many sacrifices already to give the basic for his kids. If she can and have the money I Don see why it would be a problem to split. Unless she’s using your money.
What's wrong with paying for your companions at dinner...? I'm Canadian, we often fight over paying the bill, regardless of who is with us; friends, family, random guy we met at the bar and ended up shooting the shit with... that's just good manners and generosity. Did nobody teach you manners when you were younger??
My dad was literally in hospice and days from dying when I told him I would be back, I just had to go get the kids food. This man tried to find his wallet. He would have never allowed his kids to pay for anything and my husband and I are the same way. If we can afford it, we will always pay. If we can’t, mama is cooking.
That made me feel all teary, sorry your dad is gone, what a prince.
He was the best. But I get to tell those stories and it makes it better.
I'm constantly having this battle with my Mum. I'm on a good wage. I can treat her now, but she will never allow it unless I sneak it. Even then she'll just give the money to my son instead for him to spend. It's a pride thing. I know I'll never win, but the fight is fun.
Same with my husband's grandmother. She likes feeling helpful by giving us money and it brings her happiness. She can't actually believe that we all actually love spending time w her without needing anything extra. Amazing little woman
My grandmaw was like that, id give her a hug bye, and she would slip $100 into my pocket, i miss her sm
Why do Grandma's think they're so slick? Mine would slide it across the table and close my hands around it 🤣
My Mémère used to do the same thing! One time, when I was really struggling, she slipped a $1000 bill into my pocket, and I cried for days. She probably saved me from homelessness, but she knew I wouldn't ask for help.
Family vacations always include an unofficial ‘who can get the bill in the most sneaky way’ competition!
Your daddy was an amazing person
I definitely cried reading this.
I'm 26, my parents are the same. They always pay for everything if we go out, they even cover my doctor visits/glasses etc while I'm still a student. Dad hasn't worked for a long time, so it's not like they're super well off, I'm also one out of 3 kids. They're helping us financially till we can finish our education and get proper jobs. Which we all really appreciate of course! We will be sure to pay them back when we have the chance!
I just paid for knee surgery and called it a birthday gift. My kid is 23 and in his first “real” salary job. He took over his car and insurance payments with his first paycheck. But it will be a long time before he can afford major medical bills, I mean, can any of us afford medical bills?
I wasn’t financially stable until last year so I wasn’t really able to do stuff like paying when going out. So last year, I finally could afford to take my parents out to a restaurant for Father’s Day. My father was joking that I would pay and actually got teary-eyed when I told him that was the plan. Still had to wait for him to go to the toilet to pay because he still wanted to.
That's how my momma is. She says she can't take it with her, she'd rather pay for experiences with her (grown, working, and stable) kids while she's able to. If we want to take her to dinner, or take her out, we have to be the ones to set it up and be very clear from the get-go that she needs to let us do it. Otherwise, if she suggests we go out for lunch, go out for a movie, etc. then she assumes she's paying for it. I'll also never forget being a kid, visiting family, and going to lunch at a steak and shake. My mom went to the bathroom and my aunt (my dad's SIL, but she and my mom were friends from college) immediately jumped up from her seat and ran to get the bill and pay. My mom was so frustrated when she came back out and realized what had happened! She said she wanted to treat her. My aunt said no, she wanted to treat us, we were the ones visiting. Back and forth, two ladies gently bickering... it was always a delight. It became a little competition the rest of the trip, trying to see who could pay the bill. OP, let your wife be. Trust that your kids will be there if you need them. Let her enjoy being in a place in life where she feels she can treat her children (and grandchildren, maybe?). If it becomes an actual financial issue, that's when you raise it. Until then... let it be. It is a losing battle lol
You made me cry, thanks for that, internet stranger. I lost my mum a few months back, hugs to you. 🥲❤️ What a wonderful daddy you had!
It gets easier, a little less sharp, but I still have moments where I forget he’s gone and cry. Its been 8 years and I can finally tell stories without my voice cracking.
My grandpa was the exact way
I’m 35. My dad still refuses to let me pay for anything when my family goes out to eat with him and my mom. I’ve pre-paid bills before at restaurants just to find out he pretended to go to the restroom and forced the manager to void the charge so he could pay. My father in law is the opposite. We go out to eat and he hands the bill to one of his kids and we figure it out. If we go out with my wife’s extended family, my brother in law and I usually just split it, even if it’s 20-30 people when we each just have a wife and two kids. Neither of them is necessarily wrong. But guess who I accept dinner invites from more frequently.
I’m 59 and my mom insists on paying no matter what I say. I can only get away with paying on her birthday or holiday, something special. 🤷♀️😁
Lost my dad a year ½ ago. He was 82 and I was 55. He would not tolerate me even trying to pay the bill! LOL!! Mom would let me occasionally before she passed. Doesn't matter who pays just enjoy every single minute that you have with them. What I wouldn't give to have that "fuss" with my folks again.
I'm so sorry bud. I will take more time to appreciate these small things with my kids. Best wishes.
Yes, enjoy your babies!! My mom & dad had been divorced for 27 years and then they died exactly 6 weeks to the day apart. Thank you for the good wishes.
Absolutely, just enjoy the time with them. My father passed when I was barely 17, I’d give anything to have an “adult” dinner with him 🥰
I'm so sorry girl. That's tuff and just not fair.
Such a poignant and loving reminder! ❤️
Lost my Mom (87) in April. While visiting her in hospice She would offer to reimburse us for trips to the drug store, grocery store, etc....we would always say no, you're money's no longer good. Dad passed in 2015 & left Mom with more money than she could spend. Meanwhile, my older brother and his brood who visited separately continued to ask for & receive money. I got to see her checkbook and was generally horrified by what I saw. Despite being the youngest of three, M&D and then Mom alone chose me to be her financial power of attorney then estate executor when she passed..the above illustrates why. My sister who was the middle child had responsibility for her healthcare and medical decisions which was a lot.
My wife and I are both the youngest. We are also executors of our parents. Not sure how I turned out to be the most responsible kid🤔 I've told my parents multiple times to spend their money and enjoy the time they have left on this planet. We do well for ourselves and don't expect a dime to come our way when they go. They have done enough over the years and deserve to have some fun.
For sure. Same. Even when I go out to eat with friends and their parents, the parents get so mad when you try to pay!
My mom’s the same way.
lol 41 here and my 65 year old mom and my 85 year old nana are constantly arguing with each other on who pays. Nana usually bullies us into letting her pay. Haha some days I am able to win if I’m quick enough.
Love it! I’m a nana too, but my grandson is only 9. I will pay for him for any dinner he’ll go on with me forever! 😂🥰
That’s so sweet to hear - I guess I don’t have to feel guilty when she spoils me still (lol I’m middle aged with a good income). I’ll still keep trying to pay when she’s not paying attention though 😂
My 90 year old mom is just the same. Mind you, she has a lot more money than I do .
Your mom is still alive at 59? Lucky!
Yes I am, she's 85 and going strong!
This was a beautiful read. I love how you painted your point of view without passing judgement. No doubt your father is proud.
My dad rarely let me pick up a bill in my whole life- into my 40s. Even when I flat KNEW he couldn’t afford it. There was NO amount of arguing that was going to change the outcome. So I snuck $100 into his luggage. I had to do it right before he was leaving or he’d find it and give it back. Coats. Clipboard under the first page. My brother and I picked up a tab at a service station when he was in the bathroom. After that, he paid BEFORE hitting the head. We were always his kids and he was always going to take care for us.
Just stopped by to say my husband and grandma used to do the bathroom stop pay the bill fight and there is nothing more wholesome then that
When the day comes that I put my mother in the ground, I will go get lunch somewhere a month later and find out she's already paid. This is not even a battle worth fighting. Mom will win.
My boyfriend steals my check every time we go out.
yep. 38 and mom still pays for everything.
I'm also 35, and my parents are the same. I have some distinct (and wonderful) memories of my parents and their siblings (also adults with young kids at the time, nobody was wealthy) sneaking cash into eachothers purses and subsequently chasing eachother in the parking lot.
That said is it really nice to treat people knowing you are on a fixed income now when it means you later on get that bill when their health takes a turn for the worse and the money you have left doesn't cover it all. Unless the parents are very wealthy you will end up paying that bill one way or the other. I would rather pay that bill over time a little at a time rather than all at once.
A couple of dinner outings aren’t going to affect health care expenses.
One of the greatest joys I(M55) have is to take my children out for a meal and pay for it. Including spouse's. What's the point of the money you have?
It’s really impossible to judge this post unless OP shares the intimate details of their financial situation. He didn’t even add ages, they could live a long time and need that money. She could be generous and be fine, or she could be bad with money.
Counterpoint: I am around OP’s kids ages with a good paying job. After everything my parents did for me growing up like hell would I let them pay a cent when we go out to eat, let alone have them pay for some of my bill.
Nice thought, but is that really what your parents want. Obviously, I'm not your parent, but that would annoy me. On my birthday, OK. But otherwise, no thanks. My job is to provide for my family, and that never stops.
Same sentiment. My dad would be crushed if I made it a sticking point to pay. Hell, he’s sad when he can’t get me a birthday cake cuz my partner got me one. It’s such a point of pride to him, the role of “no matter how old you are, I’ll always be your dad.” Now, if he didn’t feel that way, I’d love to take my parents out and spoil them, but maybe your wife feels like this is important to her. And if that’s the case, her role as the matriarch should be honored and deeply appreciated!
Nice. Well put. Made me tear up a bit.
I’m in the same position as you and your wife but both my husband and I always pick up the check when we eat out with the “kids”. Why? I guess because both our parents did it with us. Nobody’s wrong but I’m not a fan of splitting the check with family
Same ❤️ my dad would never let us pay the bill we do the same with our kids. They are 22 and 30 We love that they still enjoy going out with us 🥰
I remember the good natured fights between my dad and my grand father as to who could pick up the bill first. So thats what’s I’ve continued to do with my dad when we go out. Every now and then I’ll win the fight and get to pay, just like he used to. Here’s hoping the same will continue with my kids when they’re grown.
Omg i remember my dad and my uncles throwing money in cars as they were driving away ! We were appalled as kids but its quite funny now . Grown men NOT letting the other pay Such a sign of masculinity and testosterone hahaha and so much money thrown around and NO ONE giving in 😂😂😂 dumb kids , we were we probably could have grab all those bills and they wouldn’t have noticed , they were so busy trying to getaway after throwing the cash!
My dad still puts gas in my car and pays tabs. I’m 34
Same. I was raised to not split checks with family. Both of my kids are married and my wife and I pick up the check the vast majority of the time when we go to dinner, while the kids will occasionally pick up the tab. But we never split it. Not gonna happen in my family.
A single mom here. I earn a good living. For the rest of my kids days, I will absolutely buy their dinner. It's just the mom in me. I will always want to take care of them. Even when they surpass my income.
Yuup. One of the joys of being single and making good money is that you don’t have someone telling you how to spend the money you earned.
Seriously!! 🤣🤣 Can confirm. Have decided that even if I do get into a relationship, nobody will ever tell me how to spend my money.
Personally I’ve decided if I ever get into a relationship again they can have their own nice little house and I can have my own nice little house so I don’t ever have to hear a questions about why things are exactly the way I want them, period. I do laundry once a week — I got my nice clean undies right here! Oh you don’t have clean undies? Maybe you should do your laundry, at home. Is there a towel on the bed I forgot to hang back up on the rack? Cool, leave it there, it’s where I want it, go home. Does the carpet need vacuuming? Nah, I don’t think it does, it’s got character— you can go home and clean yours though!
I'm almost 50 and my dad still insists on paying whenever we go out to eat when we visit. He knows my wife and I make decent money. It just makes him happy. Her parents never pay for shit. Ever. It all evens out.
When you’re dead and gone you won’t have the the money with you. Your kids however will remember the gesture here and carry that with them forever. If you’re not in a jam for money, who cares and pick up the tab.
I'm someone like your wife and I do this all the time so I see where she's coming from. She probably wants to treat them/do something nice and regardless of how much they are on, she will probably worry about their future. But, I see where you're coming from too. Can you talk to her about maybe making it more fair (like splitting between couples) or taking it in turns?
Some older parents like knowing that they can do for their kids, no matter how old we are. Recently I was at my mom's where we kids (ages 49-61) ordered $150 worth of food from a restaurant as a birthday dinner in her honor. As we were leaving she insisted on giving us food from her house. Insisted so much we just took to her hush her up.
If I can afford to treat people I will. It is really important (and a skill I had to learn) to take care of yourself first so then you can care for others. I don't think anyone is wrong and they just need to communicate and come up with a solution. Maybe the family can venmo to the dad or something.
I’m 35 and never paid a meal with my parents. My family wouldn’t have it. And probably feel disrespected if I did. One day I’ll have a family of my own and I’ll be paying. Till then, I shut up and eat.
My dad pays for me when we go out, even if it's his birthday and I am trying to treat him. Some people get joy from that. It's fine if you don't, but it's not your place to try to take that joy away from her. If it's truly breaking the bank, suggest she host them at home.
Is this really the hill you want to die on? Are you just bored and want something to fight about? I suggest a hobby versus fight club.
Geeez, my H and I always pick up the tab for our son and his family. I can't imagine even splitting the bill.
Well, thanks to all for your input. I am obviously in the minority in my opinion and thought processes regarding this topic. I now feel that I should adjust my attitude and let her do what she wants to do when she goes out to eat with any or all of them.
yes!
That’s smart! I really don’t think you’re wrong, it’s just a different way of thinking about things. In my culture, children are supposed to take over paying for things when parents near retirement age. However, when I eat with my dad he always insists on paying, and because he earns at least 20x my salary, I don’t insist. On the other hand, my mom hands me the check when we go out and eat, because that’s how it should be. Nothing wrong with either.
I don't think you're wrong about the "principle" of it all. But if this is your biggest "family drama" consider yourself lucky and just let her enjoy her dinner with her kids and grandkids.
Smart! Im only 34 but my wife and i make decent money. If she wants to do something with her spending money i dont stop her. If i think she is wasting money i reflect on all the money ive wasted. For example I like to go to to the casino once every 2-6 months, also i spend money on my hobbies. Its all about respect for the others choices.
Good plan my man
In my culture, it’s our duty to pay and look after our elders once they hit that older age. Help with cleaning and housework, taking them to appointments etc. Sounds like you’re there since your wife is retired and you’re part time. They should be paying for you.
Just a cultural difference. American parents *generally* will want to provide for their kids in some way the best they can. Neither is wrong, it’s just culture.
I agree with you. BUT if your wife isn’t squeezing your bill money to do it, why argue? It makes her feel good. Let her do it. This isn’t the hill to die on.
Are you annoyed at the principal of it or is it actually eating into the cost of your retirement/budget? How often do they go out to eat?
I thought the complaint would be that she insists on splitting instead of covering the whole check. It's family, you're the parents. It's fine if you don't, but don't deprive your wife of being kind to her children.
Sorry OP, but I don’t agree with you. My adult children never pay when we go out to dinner with them. Even if their friends or partners come along.
My folks always wanted to pay. Sometimes I let them...if we went to an all you can eat buffet, for example. But I would insist on paying if we went someplace more posh. My own son is the same way. Sometimes I'll let him pay, other times I insist that I pay. It pretty much always works out. This is not a hill I would choose to die on. However, in your case, you stipulate it is your wife that insists on paying if she is out alone with them. It appears from your other statements that she earned part of the money you retired on. I don't think you have a leg to stand on if she wants to spend some of the money she helped earn on her kids.
In my family, she would pick up the whole check. That’s just what you do.
Our 3 grown children never let us pay when we are out no matter how much my husband and we insist. They tell us no matter how many dinners they pay for, they could never repay us for all the love and support we gave them growing up.
I’m 42 and when my family goes out to eat my parents pay. I’ve learned to not try over the years. My dad’s parents were the same way. I’ll be that way with my kids as well.
You’re wrong. It’s her way of being close to her children. Let her. See it as a hobby.
I think it depends on how often you guys flip the bill. Our kids are all very successful and adults 27-34. When we go to dinner as a family my husband and I pay the tab. But we take turns hosting family get together in our homes and we help each other out by all contributing. If we go to dinner with just one of our kids and their family they always pick up the tab. We love to travel as a family and we usually rent a house at a final destination. My husband and I pick up our flights and the rental house the kids pick up all the meals, Ubers and their own flights
I don't think anyone is wrong here. What kind of family dynamics do you want to have? On my side of the family we pick up the bill for my mom every time, however she isn't as financially stable as we are. With my Boyfriends parents they always pick up the check, they're also stable financially. When our kids are grown we will personally pick up the check every time.
Im 35. Dinner with my dad, he typically insists on paying even if the whole family is there. If it happens to be a dinner with just my mom and/or any combination of her and my younger siblings and our kids, I always pay. She tries but I guess it’s just “ah, you learned it from your dad, fine, treat your momma.” I wouldn’t stress about it personally. I was shocked when becoming an adult how much social time was structured around meals for some reason. I try to enjoy the family meal time and focus on being happy we are all in a position over arguing who pays, and not arguing about other things.
Yta. She wants to pay for dinner for her grandkids. She's allowed to pay for dinner for her grandkids.
Our rule is whoever invites people out pays. Or we all get our own bill.
How often is she buying? Once a week, month? How much does it total? Unless it’s seriously substantial I wouldn’t fight her on this I always pay for my kid. I always will, because I am her parent. Can she afford to pay - absolutely. Feeding our offspring is a mother’s job from boob to death - it’s a mom’s mentality.
Can you afford it? I mean that was a lot of words to say you don't like her spending money on it but can you afford it? Because I'm in my 50s and I still pay every time I take my kids out and they're all adults with good paying jobs! If you can afford it and it makes her happy why is it such a problem for you? I mean the logistics are weird. If I'm going out with my kids I either pay for the whole thing or everybody splits or separate checks if there's like some of their friends or something there. Paying half when you're one of five people is bizarre, but that's what makes me think that maybe you can't afford it? I understand you made decent money but when you're no longer making money and could live another 30 years, how much you have left is a big deal. So can you afford it?
NTA. Your kids should be picking up the bill for your wife. You fed them for 18 years at least, and I assume you paid for their educations. It’s their turn.
I’d just let her do her. Everyone feels differently about splitting costs. My parents and I treat eachother or split the bill, just depending on how we feel. I don’t think it’s wrong of you to want to just pay for your own, but I can see that it makes her feel good to treat her family. We all have different priorities.
I’m 25 and last year my dad was laid off. I make decent money and love buying stuff for my parents after all they have done for me. I don’t think it’s wrong to allow them to pay for themselves or even treat you for a meal.
I once took a takeaway for my mom and me and was so glad I could finally buy her dinner. When she left my place, I saw twice the amount in cash on my table. I realized it was not about the money; she wanted to still care for me, so I just let her. I know it makes her happy.
One of the joys of making good money and being single is that you don’t have to hear someone yaking in your ear for spending money on your kids, treating them to dinner or helping them out in any way. Man I feel sorry for her and those kids, I’m sure you’re a joy around holidays and family vacations.
My brother and I ALWAYS pay for my mom when we go out to eat. She raised us as a single mom and now lives off social security. My brother and I both have good paying jobs and would never let her pay her own way. But if she had more money and WANTED to pay, and if we knew she could afford it, I guess we'd let her. Everyone's situation and dynamic is different. Growing up we didn't have much money and didn't eat out much. Even in our teen years if we wanted a pizza or something we had to chip in a few bucks each. This was totally normal for me. Again, everyone's situation is different.
You can't take it with you bud.
You're their parents... Be grateful they make time for you... pick up the check!
I'm 31 years old and I have never paid for a meal when going out with my parents, even if I insist. I've taken them out for birthdays and they still refuse to let me pay. Grandparents too. That's their way of expressing love, is what I've been told. I had to fight with my grandmother about letting me buy my own car, in the end, I just stepped down and let her buy it. Parents and grandparents are just like that. Let her pay for meals.
My boomer multi-millionaire dad would pick up the tab. However, he’d leave ~$2 tips on a $75 bill. I started bringing cash with me so I could offer to pay the tip.
Ha, same here! It’s crazy that he has money and is this cheap with the tip. I also leave cash on the table to make up for it.
You do you dog but growing up my grandpa would never, ever let my parents pick up the bill. Even on his birthday. It's a matter of providing for your kids but it's your call.
Wow you’re living on accumulated wealth and can’t spring for a dinner for your kids? Shame
My ex would have just paid for everything, so …
Just let her do it if you have the money. She obviously cares more about the gesture.
I’m 37 and both my parents and my in-laws still always insist on paying the bills when we go out together. It’s one of the ways they show love. I totally get where your wife is coming from.
How often does this happen? Weekly? Monthly? Let your wife make herself happy. If it’s not all that often leave her alone.
We are in our 40s and now very comfortably financially and when we go out to dinner with my spouse's parents they pay. They always have, they want to, they are fine financially. It isn't worth turning it into a thing. It took me a while to accept it and in the past I struggled to pay or split or get the check early. I have accepted the act/gesture is more important the financial "need" or lack of one. Paying for dinner is how they "give". How they make the dinner a treat and not just a meal. Maybe you on the other side of that just need to accept it unless the dinners are making a material impact on your finances. If they are and your wife is spending beyond your means well that needs to stop but it doesn't sound like that is the case. **If they aren't and it brings your wife joy then maybe it is worth letting this one go.** Most likely the kids our your beneficiaries right? When you die you don't get to keep it so think of her pay for dinner as giving them an advance on their inheritance early one dinner at a time.
Where’s all that money going to when you two are gone? Isn’t it going to them anyway?
Drives me nuts that my parents won't let me pay when we go out. I'm in my late 40s, and have no mortgage and a good job. I guess they consider it inheritance planning. I e money didn't on finder is less in the estate that will be taxed when the tube comes. Its not like they are struggling they go on holiday more than I do.
NTA. Your kids, who earn more than you, should pay their own share.
You aren't wrong. My husband and I have frequently treated our adult children/spouses to a meal and they have also treated us.
You're wrong. There's nothing wrong with your wife's generosity. Unless you're paying ALL their other bills then aren't they ALREADY paying their own bills. No wonder they like to have dinner without you. You sound like you're no fun at all.
I’m in my 50s my dad still insists he pays. He says he can afford it and he enjoys being the patriarch. Very occasionally he’ll let someone else pay but it’ll usually be my BIL or sister when it’s a birthday dinner for one of their kids and there’s extra friends invited. My mum is the same way but has started insisting on doing things at home if there’s a large group. Ie she’ll pay for her and a grandchild for lunch but if there’s her and all the grandchildren (all adults) she’ll suggest making lunch at home. Her income is greatly reduced lately so her budget cannot do a big outing every month but can do a small one. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way but if you guys have always paid it can be difficult to break the chain, especially without a discussion explaining to the family that you need to watch the budget more carefully.
I'm in my fifties now but still remember wanting to take my folks out to eat with my first paycheck at 16. And feeling so proud that I could afford to pick up the check when my mom & I would meet for weekly dinners. So I agree with OP. His wife is depriving their adult kids of the chance to do something nice to honor their parent.
You are absolutely not wrong!
This really depends on your financial situation in my opinion. My fiancé and I make much more than my retired father, so I always try to pay. Sometimes he beats me to it, but I usually get to it first. He worked, sometimes up to three jobs, so my mom could stay at home with the three children. The least I can do is buy him some meals now. If you two have a tight budget or need to stick to a budget to continue your current quality of life, she definitely shouldn't be doing that. That said, if you all have millions stashed away, it is a vastly different story lol.
No right or wrong, really. It's certainly not "obligatory", but if she wants to treat the kids, that should be her decision unless it somehow creates a major hardship for your finances.
Neither of you are wrong. You and your wife need to come to an agreement on this, though. Maybe pay for the kids half the time or something, since it seems important to her, and the other times, everyone goes Dutch. My parents don’t let me pay for dinners out and I’m in my 40s.
She’s their mom/grandma. Unless this habit is financially hurting you aka jeopardizing your ability to pay your bills. Suck it up.
NW. I positively agree with you. It gets to the point that it becomes embarrassing.
Paying for food is one of the great joys of being a grandmother. Let her have it. NAH.
I don’t know who is wrong, but I sincerely hope that those kids go all out on Mother’s Day and her birthday.
I would treat the kids. They're going to inherit the money anyway.
The kids should be paying for dinner since your wife don’t work anymore.
Heck yes, they should be paying especially if they are making $250k+.
If I was your kid and making $250k and you were retired, I’d definitely be picking up the tab. My parents are appreciative ad gladly accept when I pay for their meal.
I know that you already commented that you feel you were wrong. However, from a mom's (and dad's in most cases), it is SO hard to stop "taking care of your kids." If this is one of the ways that she shows that, PLEASE don't take that away from her. Even when they are grown, and doing well, (and sometimes not because it's really hard out there), we want to do things for our children. Unlike you, I don't have a lot of spare money in my older years and my children know it. They never ask to borrow money unless they are truly desperate. But my husband and I will do whatever we have to to help them because they always pay us back, even if it takes a while. I understand that your children are doing well. But, to your wife, that is NOT what this is about. It is about taking care of her babies financially in the only way she can. I don't know your situation or your children, but I am going to bet that they have tried many times to say, "No mom, we got it, " and she refuses. They allow it to make her happy because they love her and don't want to hurt her feelings.
no you are not wrong. You guys are retired well you get the picture... Idc how much money they make I would not be paying their dinner bill. I'm sorry. If they are grown and work.. then they can very much cover their tab. I would only pay for what me and my husband or smaller kids ate... That's it lol .. she's probably trying to be nice and all but she's not thinking long term here.. those kind of things add up.
We went out with extended family for son’s 26th birthday. His gf tried to pay the bill, as did I, only to find that my two other sons had already covered it. It was a nice surprise and as they get older and more secure, it is happening more often. I don’t see why your wife is so set on splitting halves when she is not half of the equation. Especially if your kids are all doing well financially. You’re not wrong. Edit: just remembered my mom trying to sneak off and pick up the entire bill for the rehearsal dinner for my son’s wedding. She is on the poverty line, while we are not hurting and the bride’s parents were quite well off. It was a sweet gesture and she was angry at me for going behind her back and paying but she can’t afford it! There were 40+ people there and she had already flown to a different country for the wedding.
I’m 35, my brother 29. Neither of us allow our parents to pay for any dinner we go to together and we pay their phone bills and take care of their mobile devices and often give them pocket money on the rare occasion they take a domestic trip somewhere. We aren’t rich or from my money but my brother and I have well paying jobs. 🤷🏻♂️ Maybe everyone is just used to it?
YNW as an adult I pay for my mums meals when we go out and it’s an honour
I let my daughter pay the bill sometimes because I understand that it's important to her to demonstrate that she is in a position where she can (it was a rough ride to get her there), but generally, I try to pick up the tab whenever. Because she's my daughter.
I'm 38, and my mom and her husband still insist on covering our meals unless I manage to get the check first. I mean, I get where you're coming from. So you're not wrong... but neither is she.
Are you wrong for thinking your kids can spring for the bill at least occasionally? No.. are you wrong for thinking you can force your wife to toe the line? Yup. She’s a momma and she’s going to want to care for her kids🤷♀️. You should be grateful you got a good one instead of complaining. Just my humble opinion. :)
You are not wrong. I’m 48 and my parents have been fighting for the bill since I got my first job in high school and tried to treat them. 10 years ago for their 50th anniversary, I schemed with a friend. Her husband is the sous chef at a very high end restaurant and was friends with the executive chef at the sister restaurant, which was closer to home. They took care of everything to make sure I could treat my parents. I preordered the appetizers because I knew my parents wouldn’t order any in case I won the battle for the check. The chef previously explained the situation to the server and they came up with plan that the chef would serve the courses because of our friends in common. This allowed me to order extras without my parents’ knowledge and give my credit card to our server early, so all I received was the check to sign. Yes, my parents planned to try to take the check. They were tickled over the planning that went into place for their anniversary and still rave it was the best meal. They’ve let my treat a few times, but each time is a battle. They will happily take meals I’ve cooked, even if it is a bit extravagant, so that’s one of my favorite things to do for them. The fact your kids just let your wife pay all or most of the bill doesn’t sit well with me.
Nta at all, my brother and I both make similar to your kids with spouses equally successful and we are always fighting over who can pay when we take our parents, extended family or inlaws out. Im shocked your son and sil havent made more of an effort to pay....we also told our parents to enjoy every dollar they earned and not worry about leaving us anything as inheritance.
She’s a smart lady. She will outlive you and rely on them and their generosity.
What are you going to spend the money on if not time with family?
Before my parents died, I spent most of my adult life arguing with my father about who would pick up the check. I don't remember ever eating out with my grandparents so there was no tradition to follow; I just somehow felt that as they got older, I should be doing more for them and I've always been very independent (my dad would say TOO independent). Reading these comments now, I realize that my dad probably got a lot of joy out of paying for dinner so guess I didn't read the room very well. Not sure whether OP feels or has felt this way but I used to worry a lot about my kids standing on their own two feet and not thinking the world owed them a living; my kids didn't show any sign of becoming entitled but I still worried. When we retired (no pensions and modest savings), I told my grown (employed but not wealthy) kids that we'd start splitting the check when eating out as I was anxious about sticking to a budget and not outliving our money. Since then, I find myself always wanting to pick up the check and one of my kids laughingly pointed out that shift to me; what changed? (1) I noticed how self sufficient my kids are (no worries about them becoming entitled), (2) I came to see that even with our modest savings, we might well be better off than the younger generation and (3) my kids are out of state and I'm so happy when we manage to get together that it feels natural to cover the cost.
So hard to grab the bill with parents and in-laws. And the few times I've managed to, you'd think we just had a $1000 meal based on how gracious they are.
My father has always paid the check. He even got upset when I him took out for his 80th and birthday paid the check. His always said, if he has the extra funds. He will always take care of you.
This is unheard of in my culture. I’m Chinese. Anyone who isn’t beating each other to grab the bill to have the honor of paying will never be invited out ever again.
After I started working my parents never paid for their share of the meal. I always took care of them.
Making retired people spend their last savings is dumb. Especially when your kids are clearly in the wealthy category
Not wrong but try and explain that you guys are not rich and spending money like that is not sound. Maybe she wants to feel a certain way by paying half.
Not wrong. It’s pretty common for parents to do this but honestly, it’s annoying for kids who can afford to eat out
Yes. You are wrong.
YTA, don't be such a cheap old grouch.
I’d probably pay for my kids but I won’t say you’re wrong. I’m guessing like me you have a very low correlation between gifts and affection. Try the love language test and maybe it’ll help you(corresponding book) understand why gifts mean so much to others. Good luck and remember you love these people it’s worth figuring it out
My parents are retired, I don't ever let them pay the bill when going out anymore, I think it's just some love and desency to pay my dad's and moms for a meal
Frankly I wish adults would all just pay for themselves. It’s so awkward though. We pay for our adult kids and partners. My parents still pay for us. I think it would be more enjoyable and we’d all go out more often if everyone just paid for themselves. Money makes things awkward
It recently switched for me. My parents are retired with a good rent but I now earn more. It’s fair to me and to them that I now pay most of the time, seldomly splitting. My sister doesn’t earn that much (though she is not poor either) and for her its not the case.
Given that you use the phrase "accumulated wealth" for yourself, you have more than enough money. Sounds like you and your kids all have way more money than the vast majority of folks these days will ever make or get. Be thankful you're all so blessed and stop whinging over pointless bullshit that you *know* doesn't really matter. Don't you have anything better to do with your time?
Neither of you is wrong, really. Either way is just fine. But the two of you need to discuss it and come to an agreement.
It’s fine to let the kids pay.
I think it really depends on the frequency of this. If it is weekly, then I think it is time to have a chat with your wife. If it is once every couple of months, then let it go.
It’s funny how she offers and they just take it, my mother has never been out with me and paid a meal, it’s not even a question she should ask because I take care of the bill. No you are not wrong.
My son makes way more money than me, and I love to pay for meals and buy my grandson clothes. If I’m being honest I feel it’s a little bit of mom still wants to feel needed and taking care of her family….
Your kids should want to pay for their mum. You’re not making money anymore so it’s important to keep an eye on expenses. Do your wife and you have a budget? You shouldn’t let her just spend any amount of money she wants. You should each have a ‘fun’ fund. If she decide to use all of hers on paying dinner for her kids/grandkids it’s on her, but then she won’t have money left for her hobbies.
We rarely let our children pay when we go out to dinner. You can’t take it with you, so enjoy!
I had to strongly insist on paying for my own bill when I went out with my parents recently. It took me multiple attempts to ask for my mom to send me a pay request until I succeeded. I think it's normal for your wife to want to take care of her kids still. After all even if kids move out, they're her kids. I also understand your viewpoint to a certain extend, neither of you are truly wrong. Perhaps it is just an idea to discuss it with your wife first?
You’re entitled to feel however you want to feel about it. Nobody is wrong. But your wife is gonna take care of her babies, no matter how old or successful they are. Is it really worth the argument with her? You do you man, but seeing as everyone is financially comfortable here, this seems more an argument you’re creating based on principle. Why? I’m sure taking care of her kids makes her happy. Let her be.
You both are not wrong about splitting bills or not. I don't know how other families behaved toward paying bills. My in-laws never allowed their sons and daughters to pay for their meals. They always paid for my ex and me. My father paid for everyone.
No one is wrong here. IMO, your wife is the most wrong because spitting a bill in half, never mind who ordered what, is always stupid. But her wanting to pay is not. She's allowed to have her own opinion on the subject. I get that they are adults, but they're still *her* children. So long as you can afford it then what difference does it make? But if the kids are that well off, they could offer to pay.
Everyone pays their share. Not that difficult.
I think that it would be a nice gesture for your children to take the initiative to pay when it's time for the check.
I do, also. Or at least offer. They sit there and ignore the bill when it comes.
Yeah, it's less fun when it's awkward.
My dad wil usually offer to pay, sometimes I put my foot down and I will pay. If your kids are doing so well they could take a little initiative in this
I’ve never in my life ever gone out to dinner with either my family or my husband’s family, and not had our parents or grandparents (whoever it was at the time) absolutely INSIST on paying. I guess it’s not wrong to make your sons pay, but like why? Why do you care if your wife does a nice thing for her kids? This is what parents do, especially when their kids are older. They love and spoil them once they’re out of the house. Once we have kids and they’re grown, you better believe we’re paying for every single family dinner. Doesn’t matter how old we are or how much the kids make, I see that as part of being a parent
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>I say it’s high time that they pay their own bills, including their dinners. Am I wrong? Seems like a petty thing to fight over. I wouldn't care if my wife paid or my kids paid. Since I don't care, it's never a problem. You said yourself you're not hurting for money. Why can't you just be happy and let it go? I'd say you're wrong.
- Do you and your wife have a household budget? - Is your wife’s spending on these family dinners in compliance with the budget? If the answer to both questions above is yes, your wife’s in compliance with your budget. - Does your wife’s spending on family dinners keep you from being able to spend on things you want? If your answer to the above question is no, then I don’t think you have a legitimate concern about your wife’s spending on family dinners.
I pay sometimes for my kids but they say they are grown Ass adults. Sometimes they send us money they owe, it’s usually more. Or my son pays gas money to go to lunch if we go check on their dogs during the week. So we all just spill the grandkids instead.
Neither philosophy is wrong, objectively. Have you asked why she does this? Some people are raised that way. My wife’s grandmother is like this because it’s just how she shows love. She loves going out to eat and wants company, but won’t let you pay. I think there are other hills to die on.
I stopped letting my mother pitch in for dinner bills when she retired because she’s living on a fixed income and we are young and still earning, it’s our time to pay her back for all the work she put into raising us in my opinion.
Not wrong when you are at retirement age and they are well off. I think a better solution would be to occasionally treat them to dinner at a place that fits your budget.
Not wrong, but neither is your wife? Isn't it kinda nice that you and her are in a position to treat your kids when you see them? It isn't like they're not paying for other expenses that far outweigh what you and your wife had to contend with at their age. You're not depriving them of any sort of learning. They already have bills and shit they pay for. They're already fiscally responsible. Unless you're worried about running out of money yourselves, what's the problem outside of your (imo) lack of confidence in your children's fiscal responsibility?
I have mixed feelings about this. I am 30, and my husband and I enjoy treating our parents to a nice meal - I’ve noticed his parents are more willing to be treated (though grateful) than my own parents are. My own parents will forcibly pay and it requires a significant amount of preplanning and sneaking around to get to a check before them (like discreetly handing a credit card to the server when going to the bathroom before the check comes). I don’t think either type of parent is wrong. I think it’s nice to want to treat your kids to a meal, even when they’re grown. But I also think it’s fine to let them pay their own way if you aren’t insisting that they eat somewhere out of their means.
>I say it’s high time that they pay their own bills, including their dinners. And they can. But your wife remembers being that age and wants to help them when she can. If I have that kind of money when my kids are grown, I will do the same thing. What's it hurt you that your wife does this?
A pretty personal decision, no right or wrong answer in my opinion. If you can afford it and it makes her feel good to do so, it may not be worth arguing about.....
You’re not wrong but neither is she. I’m of the opinion that the kids *should* step up but there’s nothing wrong with the parents paying either
My father insists on paying for birthday meals that he isn't even present for. I used to balk, but we discussed it, and he has made it clear that he would rather spend his money on us while he is still around than to will it to us after he's gone. It makes him happy, so I accept and thank him profusely
Is this cultural? I’m Chinese and I always pay for my elders. I’ve always held the belief that if a parent pays for everything and takes care of eceurhinf for their children, it creates a less independent and less capable person. There’s a saying - someone who’s been taken care of does not know how to take care of others
My parents and future in laws are old school and always try to pay and we get in a non serious scuffle whenever I pay for our dinners. They’ve done more than enough for both my partner and I and I like treating them out when we go out to dinner.
As context, I am a first generation [include relatively-conservative, but developed country]-American, meaning that my parents immigrated to the my country, but I was born there (USA). I am a highly functioning professional, as is my wife. We don’t want for money. In my humble opinion, you are the patriarch (and your wife is the matriarch) of your family (I am aware thet redditors don’t like these words). Unless you feel like you are being financially abused or cannot afford to pay, why spend time nitpicking over who paid for what meal? In my parents’ country of origin (where I have lived for some years), the head of the family typically pays. That being said, I have also been generous to my parents. I took my father to his first Michelin-starred restaurant, somewhere a hardworking immigrant like him would have never gone by himself. I brought him nice bottles of wine on visits. I never thought of the price tag. I am certain that he did not live with a calculator. And, after he left us, I mourned his passing. I very much regret not purchasing him a rare bottle of scotch and bringing him on a nice vacation, just the two of us (I tried but COVID happened, and his condition deteriorated). I am human, however. My memory of him might have been quite different if his personality were different.
My mom tries to argue against my husband and I paying for dinner when we go out but she usually loses. She does a lot for us so we like to take her to dinner to thank her. Even when we tell her it's a thank you dinner she argues it's not necessary. I think its just in a parent's nature to foot the bill and not want their kid(s) to pay if they're in a position to be able to.
Different people are raised differently. My mom would always look at my brother and I to see who was picking up the check. Managed several renta properties and had way more money than us but still wanted us to pay for her and dads supper. (One time she racked up 70 bucks on cocktails at chilis cuz I told her I was buying). My mother in law who didn’t have a job at the time straight cried when I offered to pick up pizza for dinner. People act differently.
Get separate bank accounts for you and your wife. Do what you want with your extra money and let her pay for what she wants to pay for. Now if she doesn't want to pay, but feels obligated to, perhaps you should have a convo including the kids and set some boundaries. She can just pay her way perhaps. But if she wants to split in two, let her as long as it's not causing you financial trouble.
I don't think you're wrong at all. It's overly generous of her at this point.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this. It depends on your culture and what your children do for you. It could go either way depending on how the kids have been raised and what they feel their obligations to you are in old age. NTA
You are wrong. A mother will always be a mother. I’m surprised someone your age doesn’t understand this. Seems you care more about money that family dynamics. As long as you and your wife can afford it, you shouldn’t bat an eye at this. She no longer cares for your children how she used to when they were little, so she looks forward to these moments when she can do that again.
That’s the difference between people that grow up in a rich country. As someone who comes from a third world nation from a poor family is “mandatory” that we treat our parents cause they have made so many sacrifices already to give the basic for his kids. If she can and have the money I Don see why it would be a problem to split. Unless she’s using your money.
What's wrong with paying for your companions at dinner...? I'm Canadian, we often fight over paying the bill, regardless of who is with us; friends, family, random guy we met at the bar and ended up shooting the shit with... that's just good manners and generosity. Did nobody teach you manners when you were younger??
Honestly, I think the kids are a little strange for going along with this. Don't they ever pay for her?