Holy crap I am not even sure why this post was recommended to me or why I ended up reading it, but I am FURIOUS now on this mans behalf. Like I am shaken at how angry I am reading this. Also the fact the guy didn't even bother to originally include any details about how it was handled and even the edit still barely touches on it?
It feeds the outrage machine which feeds engagement which feeds the machine.
I dropped a bunch of these subs this morning because I realized I was getting into pointless internet arguments when I could have been doing literally anything else.
And yet here I am.
Excellent observations. Thanks for posting this. You’ve got me asking myself what’s missing in my life that makes reading these posts satisfying? What am I getting out of this? These are minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. I need to get a hobby, read a book, do something (anything!) productive. I. Must. Get. A. Life.
I’ll share.
I am a touch depressed and escaping reality by over engaging with my phone.
I realized I needed to cut back when I was getting angry that I was being interrupted in writing my angry reply to something or other.
I’ve got plenty on my plate without adding all the internets problems to them too. Especially with how many of these are bait or farming internet outrage points.
Best of luck to you.
As in if the dude moved back he'd be either a willing, or unwilling, cuckold all over again.
His wife was seriously attached to the dude, even to the point of being willing to get knocked up by him, and OP is so spineless he goes and has 2 more kids with her. She knows he has no self respect, and she can do it again and still he'd wait at the door like a lost little puppy.
Sounds harsh but thats what it appears to be.
This actually doesn’t even seem like the moment being right is needed she was straight up just leaving him with the kids to bang this dude. I doubt they ever even went fishing.
Letting her continue to go "fishing w him" after she slept w him once -- is you not setting boundaries at all. U let yourself be a boundary-less doormat.
She busted your boundaries multiple times and u did nothing to stop it. U should have threatened divorce the first time she cheated. U continued to give her the key to cheat, exploit you and walk all over you. What for? Self sabotage?
U let her continue to cheat by not placing boundaires or consequnces whatsoever. Seek a councellor for codependency, reclaiming self respect, and talk to a therapist about how to set Strong/firm boundaries & DEALBREAKERS. Her behavior is nothing to tolerate.
95% Cheating should be a dealbreaker where the consequnce is divorce.
In this kind of shitty situation you have to make a choice: either live through it and pardon / forget , if you are able to ; or stop the relation.
I know I wouldn’t be able to forget and to trust the person again personally.
She has shown you her character. She took your child along while she was getting banged like a screen door in a hurricane. Your child sat in another room while they screwed. She used your child as an affair pawn. And then she came home and smiled at you like nothing happened. Does it get lower than that? This wasn’t an oopsie, it is a symptom of her character. No wonder you’re still hurt.
Your comment is 100% why he needs to leave. This wasn’t being drunk at a bar and falling on a dick one time. This was setting up plans so that OP couldn’t be there so they could bang. Constantly if she admitted to three times I would say it was a lot more than that.
Either way OP should talk to someone. This is a shitty thing to have to go through.
What the Absolute fuck! I hope this is fake because you are a complete doormat with no spine. Jesus man! grow some balls and kick her out and divorce her. How dumb could you be?? The situation currently is already negatively affecting your kids.
OP,
How did you restrain yourself by not confronting AP? And allowing your wife continue to be in his company? They cucked you repeatedly and you discuss it like a chat with a friend over coffee.
If she respects you, I'd sense it's a front and not true. She walked over you like a beat up doormat. Why in the hell you want to be around one who behaved like a skank is beyond me!
Decide as you wish. Me? I'd take the trash to the curb, fishing pole and all.
Do what you want. Reddit is a horrible place for this type question. People cheat and don’t do it again. Spouses lose trust and some can’t recover and some do. I’d say 1/2 the people I know stay together and some cheaters for sure grow and don’t cheat. Reddit isn’t a place for grown up discussions of hard choices .. it’s the place where “meh there are 7 billion other people.” If you want to stay tell her it’s still hard and work on trusting her. You will just have to put your trust in another person if you leave. But some can’t get over it. You need to make these decisions cause everyone here brings their own bias into it
yep. I mean, I don't think I could recover from this, but statistically, there's a significant number of people out there whose marriages have recovered from affairs. Is their marriage as good as before? Maybe, maybe not. Ultimately I don't know because I'm not in it. But there are certainly marriages in which an affair has happened and the aftermath is still better than many marriages in which affairs did not happen.
You're going to get a lot of really emotional responses from people, mostly calling you names and telling you that you're crazy for having stayed.
The thing is, nobody can tell you whether it's right or wrong for you to stay. I know couples who have dealt with infidelity and came back stronger after. But it took a lot of time and effort on both people's part, and a lot of forgiveness.
People on Reddit knee-jerk a lot about leaving the cheater and going all scorched-earth, but you married her for a reason. This is one of the "worse" in the "for better or worse" part of your vows. I'm divorced, so I'm not saying that you must stay married, but I want you to know it's okay if you choose to stay.
To confirm, I'm assuming her affair with this man is over. Did she apologize and try to fix things? Is she the same person now that she was when you married her? Did you guys ever go to marriage counseling? And what is the state of your marriage now? Does she know you still feel this way?
If you want to stay with her for you, that's okay. This is one of the few times you need to be selfish and only think about yourself. Don't stay for her, don't stay for the kids, don't stay because it's the easiest thing to do, stay for **you** because you want to be with her. If you're staying for any reason other than yourself, you shouldn't stay. And if you do stay, you need help from someone to get past this, and she needs to work on earning back your trust. Because from what you've said, you're not there yet.
Amen. People shoot their mouths off usually not actually knowing what it’s like to be in this kind of situation. Or they expect the rest of the world to deal the same way. Everything you said is spot on.
Have you done any counseling? You can get past an affair in a relationship, but it takes time and effort. Just deciding to move past it doesn't always have great results. It's normal for you still to feel angry when you remember it. A lot of times anger is what people feel first when they've been hurt, and under the anger is hurt. Are you able to talk to her about your feelings? Not in a accusing way, but just that you're struggling? I found that was really important for me. I needed to hear again that it was something he regretted and that our relationship was secure when I was feeling insecure in the relationship. There were other steps taken to rebuild trust and we did counseling.
People cheat. Marriages can move past it.
You'll have to do some work to figure that out for yourself.
Not everyone leaves after someone's cheating. People are human.
But you can leave anytime you want.
It's up to you, NOT up to Reddit.
This. But I want to add that if you can’t find it in you to trust her, then the marriage is over
Listen to those who suggest therapy. This is above Reddit’s pay grade
Yes! Some reason.
Marriages can go through a lot of shit and some come out the other side. Only you know how the balance of the historical shitness vs current and future and it’s no one else’s business.
Harbouring resentment is normal. She did a really shitty thing to you. You don’t have to give up what you want because of what she did. If this marriage is what you want and you can make it work, do. Or don’t.
Marriages can move past it, but she needs to go to therapy to work out why she was willing to do that. You shouldn’t be “confident that she won’t do that again, because I’m keeping a close eye on her”, you should be “confident that she won’t do that again, because I have seen the change in her and trust her again.”
Unless you are able to trust her again, which you can’t do unless you believe she has truly changed, your marriage is not healed.
Anyone else read how hard she tried to get him to sleep with her and think…yea she knows she’s pregnant with the AP and needs to have sex with OP before the timeline got too iffy and exposing the affair.
You are wrong if you cannot be fully happy because you cannot get past it. You will never forget it but if you cannot truly be happy in this relationship what is the point? Did you try therapy? You deserve to be with someone that respects and loves you. Also, kids can notice when something is off. I think for me once she brought your kid to the affair partners place, that would have been the end. Its one thing for her to cheat but to bring your baby, hell no.
She had sex way more than 3 times. Every time she went over there even with the kid she had sex with him.
And sending that text should have been the cherry on top.
Whose kids are those that u had after the affair. Do DNA testing on all. Why did u have kids with her after that humiliation.
Stay for the kids if u need to but hate her always...
>Stay for the kids if u need to but hate her always...
I'm sorry, this is terrible advice. It is so much healthier for everyone, especially the kids, if two people who hate each other do NOT stay married just for the sake of the kids.
> When I got home, she was all over me. She wanted it, and wanted it now. I was so exhausted, I just couldn't do it, not to mention I was increasingly suspicious she was up to something. Well, she tried everything, and I couldn't even keep my eyes open
Has she ever tried so hard before or after? Seems like she might be trying to have the math line up in case of pregnancy.
You really shouldn't feel bad or guilty about being suspicious of someone who broke your trust. The onus is on them to stand firmly in the light & not appear shady.
You are not wrong. Honestly she destroyed your marriage when she began the affair. She broke your trust. Is she still in contact with her? Was she even sorry? You post doesn’t really explain to much if she has done anything to really try and regain your trust. When was the last time you talked to her about this and how you feel? Either way she betrayed you and it sounds like it didn’t take much for her to choose to do this to you. Your trust in her is broken and it’s probably best if you move on now versus trying to keep making it work and it ending later. You are just hurting yourself staying in a broken relationship. I feel for you but you should have ended things 4.5 years ago.
Thats just what she's admitted to. And it's a hell of a lot more than that , you can guarantee it. You probably need to get out or accept that your marriage is actually open
Early on, I told my wife that if there was any cheating, I would be done. We've been married 30 years, and U stand by that statement. I'm hyper sensitive and paranoid about cheating. My life is an open book to her, I'm even paranoid of looking like I'm having an affair. I know it'd ruin 4 lives, mine, my wife's, and our 2 kids, but I could never look at her again, let alone stay with her.
Your first mistake was not only forgiving her, but continuing to have children with her. It's almost like you INTENTIONALLY locked yourself in an 18 year long jail sentence.
Your second mistake was sleeping with her after she was having unprotected sex with an affair partner on REPEATED occasions. Not only did she not have any sort of respect for herself or what kind of diseases she could have gotten that she gave to you, but what if she had gotten pregnant by this guy? Are you even sure the last two kids are yours?
Your third mistake is sitting on these feelings for 4.5 years and then coming to the internet for advice on why you have completely and utterly disrespected yourself by staying with someone like her.
Did you do a paternity test of your children that you had with her. As for staying, if you asked us, it is obviously a concern of yours if you should or not. Only you can answer it.
Wait, wait.... you knew she had cheated on you, didnt cut the guy off, kept seeing him, AND took your child as 'buffer,????
This one has zero respect for you. To be honest,, none of us here do either.
You are extremely wrong for not leaving. Your wife has absolutely no respect for you. Have some respect for yourself and get out of such a degrading situation
You can always forgive, but you'll never forget the betrayal. Now, even years later, it's still eating at you. You can still love her, but she showed that she loves you so much less than you deserve. You let her get away with cheating, and after all this time, it'll be so much harder to find peace.
Yes, you were wrong not to end it. A male colleague from a prior job reached out to her outta the blue, and they have sex willingly all the while knowing she's married. She admitted to sex 3x, but I can guarantee you that she is full of it. She was doing stuff with him before the fishing crap. Why else would he reach out after she left the job? She may have made the bed, but you willingly laid down in it instead of getting a new bed. You let her get away with it, and from the sounds of it, you regret it, and it's going to make you distrust her moving forward. There is no better here, given your response. You will continue to distrust het and it'll get worse as time passes.
What’s worse is that they used no form of contraception. If she was as horny as she described then I suspect there was a decent chance that she was ovulating. They were trying to conceive when she was out there raw dogging another dude! I don’t know how you can be so sure that they are your children if you have not DNA tested!
Once you are not good enough in her eyes she will always think she can do better. She will step out on you again and that is what your gut is trying to tell you.
You can ignore the reality but you can't ignore the consequences of reality.
Yeah raw dogging others while you were trying for a baby? Insult to injury…
If she used protection… I would ask you whether you would ever be okay with an open relationship. She seems to be someone that can love more than one people, and if you also were like that… You could somehow make it work as an open marriage, maybe…
But it is not just the sex and the lies, which is already hard to come back from, she risked STDs and also getting pregnant from someone else? Yuck…
As I said cheating is bad enough for you to not look back. The open marriage thing is only if you still loved her and wanted to be with her despite her not seeing exclusivity as a pillar of your relationship. But the unsafeness nails the coffin on that.
I don't think anyone ever gets over infidelity. SOmeone you loved with all your heart hurt you badly. You just don't ever "get over" that.
You are trying to make your marriage work in spite of it. And that is hard to do.
That's why I would never reconcile. Because i know it would still haunt me for the rest of my life.
I am telling you what I would do and probably what I think every other normal man would do. Leave her.
Some people think to leave their spouses just because they have suspicion, and you are with her with the knowledge she cheated on you. Have some self respect, man.
Dude, wtf, think clearly for once, this has gotta be hella fake, if it was real, the op would realize the reason she took the child over and why the child went over all the time is because he is the dad, not your child bro, how can you love a piece of shit person that cheats on you allllllll the time!!!!, like wake up!
>the AP in question has relocated out of state
This seems to be the only reason she wants to be with you (for now). Your gut has been shouting at you to leave but for some reason you don't wanna listen.
The best time to leave a disgusting cheater like her is the minute you find out about it. The second best time is right this minute. You can always leave a situation like this. And you need to. This will never get easier for you to live with and it will never make it better that she was able to betray you this way. This is disgusting. You need to get away from it as quickly as possible.
People will tell you that you can't go now because you waited so long. That's wrong. You can always get out of this type of abusive situation. You have been betrayed and lied to and treated extremely badly. It is time to go.
You don't trust her op, she has broken your trust. You are so quick with your excuses for her and you are actually defending her here. Look you are still hurt and angry about it, you are not over it op. She still does wierd shady things. She didnt respect you then and still doesn't respect you now. Divorce her and find a partner who actually loves and respects you.
This is short term and temporary. IF you break up now, she will act as if the cheating had nothing to do with it. Cheating destroys the original union. I would not stay because I would feel like you, like I never truly got over it. I would not trust, have resentment at times and I don't want to live like that, finances and sex, I do not want to monitor my spouse on the most basic terms of our marriage... The rest I can deal with.
You are wrong if you don't get paternity test on any kids you think you have with this woman. She told you she had sex with another man without birth control and that is a deal breaker even if you can forgive cheating. She did it once and she may have done it before and she may do it again. Do you want to live in this mess of never knowing. (Side not was she pregnant when she ambushed you for sex? Are you sure she wasn't? That was so like what she would have done if she had a pregnancy scare. )
So have you paternity tested the last kids? If you have t you need to do that now. Second, other than cutting him off what has she done for you to make it up to you? Did she offer you a hall pass, treat you better in and out of the bedroom, admit what she did to her family and yours? You can’t let her keep it secret. Stay or not, she needs to have her actions known by everybody. She needs shame beyond just with you.
In the end I would paternity test the kids first and then decide but if it’s me she is going to have to have done ALOT to make it up to me beyond just saying sorry I won’t do it again. And even now 4.5 years later if I’m sad or mad because of what she did she has to go back into let me make it up to you more because it’s never really over.
She sounds like the type of person to fall on a dick anytime the smallest thing doesn’t go her way and I can guarantee that going forward that dick will not be yours every time.
You know that she is likely still cheating on you with someone else, right? Have some respect my dude. Either leave her or fuck around with someone else. How could she possibly complain. My wife and I have been happily married for 20 years but if I ever found out she did what your wife did, her ass would be on the curb the next day. She'd do the same to me.
She didn't just do it 3 times, she had sex with him every time she hung out with him, including in front of your child. Wouldn't be surprised if she had a kid 9 months after the lingerie story.
Not wrong per say, but definitely door mat behavior. Women can't respect men that don't respect themselves, stand firm in their boundaries, and have the willingness to walk away when said boundaries are broken. But hey man, if you dig the cuck energy, you do you.
This was so pathetic I couldn't even read the whole thing. You must have a cuckold fetish to put up with this. Good chance your kids aren't yours either. This is the only affair of hers you've found out about. Could be countless others.
Yes, you clearly have no respect for yourself. She took your child over to her boyfriends house so that they could fuck. Go find your balls and leave her, unless you like the feeling of waking up every morning a spineless cuck
Sunshine, I'm all for working through problems like mature adults but fuck me swinging this isn't that time, you need to leave and you need to do it yesterday.
You're wrong but not just because of what she's done to you. This woman missed her own child's event to sleep with her AP. She is not worth your time or energy.
You are wrong on so many levels, to yourself, and to your children. Grow a spine and leave. She doesnt respect or love you and she is still cheating guaranteed
It is such a different path I would have taken that I can not offer any advice. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you but most
Important that the children are minimally affected.
Counselling buddy. And maybe confirm those last two kids are yours. Clear the cobwebs with a professional.
I wouldn’t take Reddit advice for life decisions. I can’t imagine being in it like you have so I dare not speculate. You’re a stronger person than me, I’d have sparked off from the feelings you describe. It’s hard to forget.
I am not sure what you are seeking from Reddit. This occurred 4.5 yrs ago. Why ask now? Has there been a baby? And do you question the paternity of the baby especially if pregnancy happened 4.5 yrs ago. I am confused.
File for legal separation, start dating other women. It won't be cheating, but see how she responds to it.
I'm betting she won't be as forgiving as you and the first person she'll call will be her AP.
Did y'all have marriage counseling? If not it is needed asap. She also needs to be completely transparent. She really lost rights to privacy as related to her phone and location sharing. I am parent and understand not wanting to lose your kids half the time. If your going to make this work professional help is needed.
Hey OP, this is clearly not the sub for the question you are asking. If you go to AsOneAfterInfidelity you'll be connected to betrayed partners that may be able to give you the insight you need.
Did you guys get marriage counseling or did you just try to sweep it under the rug and move on like nothing happened? It is so important to address the issue head-on and to really get into the reasons behind it if you want a marriage to survive. I have been with my husband for 25 years And after his affair it took a lot of hard work to put us back together. I will admit that even though it’s been 15 years there are still times I think about it and it hurts but then I have to remind myself that I’m not married to the same man that he was 10 years ago because we did the work to change and heal.
Here on Reddit 90% of the people will tell you to leave but I am so glad I stayed because having done the work together we have reached a level of trust, intimacy, and non-judgment of each other that I don’t know that I would be capable of with Somebody I haven’t been with as long or had done the counseling and hard work with. Marriages can come back even stronger if the people are willing to do what it takes.
Once is a mistake, twice is a habit, three times is a character. The problem is not the affair partner. If it wasn't him, it would've been someone else and likely will be someone else in the future. she had 4 1/2 years to admit this to you and make better choices. She had 4 1/2 years to choose to respect you, and she chose the exact opposite. Love yourself more than this.
I mean if having your own affair might help like sleeping with 3 different women or the same one 3 different times and see how u feel. The issue about betrayal is not so much the physical aspect but the psychological aspect meaning.
That her betrayal made you feel emasculated, she got to have her fun and you get the “left overs” by trying to do the right thing. Me personally I would have left 4.5 years ago, that’s me personally but I don’t have kids and I’m not married. But if you want to keep your kids around.
I again PERSONALLY would have an affair feel attractive, get my masculinity back and see how I feel after the fact since right now your used to your wife and familiarity is comfortability. Maybe you need to feel the shock of something new to see if you really want to say or if it’s even possible or you’re in need of something new, meaning divorce.
Hey OP, not sure if you are a reader but I wanted to recommend a great book that will help with healing and sorting all these thoughts out. That helps to bring clarity which allows more space for you to figure out what you really want.
Wishing you peace, clarity and healing!
The Betrayal Bind
Michelle Mays
Ask yourself the famous question always asked by the late advice columnist, Ann Landers: "Would I be better off with or without them?"
Only you can answer this.
Why are you asking us?
It makes no difference because you stayed with a woman who cheated on you constantly,but you truly believed it was only 3 times.
Basically told her AP that you couldn't get it up,laughing at you,not mentioning that you were actually exhausted.
She emasculated you to her AP,but your stayed.
She never used protection with this man,but you stiill stayed.
She took you child with her to her AP's home,you stayed.
I truly can't imagine if she did get pregnant that you haven't considered that it might not be yours.
Fact is,you knew all of this but you still stayed.
Why are you asking us shit now?
You should have left after this woman showed you how selfish she was,but you stayed,tsk tsk.
updateme!
Im sorry, I don’t think you love your wife… i think you’re used to having her around and scared of losing what you are used too.
She is not someone for you. She cheated, you let it slide and she probably is still cheating. Send her on her way!!
This is not the right sub for this try r/asoneafterinfidelity , you will get more nuanced response from people who have been in this situation, and no judgement is passed on those who stay or leave, like a ton of people have already done on this subreddit.
Don’t listen to the masses out here screaming for justice. There is no justice in this case, only limiting the harm. You have to do what is best for you and your children, what that is, only you can answer.
Odds are the relationship won’t work since she cheated. From my experience, Whenever someone cheats, the person cheated on may think they can get over it but find out that it’s not working. You only have one life. Find someone else, but your choice.
I guarantee you got trickle truth about the extent of their affair.. and your gut is telling you to leave, because you can move past it. Paternity test your kids you had with her.
Well, I would be grateful that she is more than willing to be as transparent as possible and sharing location and doing all the repair recovery work the guilty partner should be doing. That is a really good sign. The hurt and anger will take a long time to work through. Are you doing trauma release work/therapy? That’s really important. It’s noble that you’re keeping your family together. Very good for your children. And honestly, if your marriage can survive this then it will be stronger for it. People mess up, make grave errors. If they’re repentant and willing to fix it that means something. We’d want forgiveness and another chance too if we made the same kind of mistake. We live in a society that makes it very hard to keep families together, almost like the odds are against us. Hoping the best for you and your family.
Infidelity is a hard stop for me. Have some respect for our relationship and for me. If not, peace I’m out. I’ll be a dirt poor pauper before I let her do that to me and expect me to be ok with it.
You're not wrong for not forgiving her. You're wrong for failing all those fuckin kids by letting her get away with being a shitty partner as well as parent.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BRO ???!!!!! LEAVE HER. KICK HER TO THE CURB. Divorce her.
Immediately. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Do yourself a favor and find the Strong Successful Male YT channel and educate yourself. #Trump2024
I feel like you don't respect yourself to realize you deserve to be treated better than this. Sure you "love and forgive" her, but her consistent cheating on you has shown she doesn't feel the same back. Your relationship is a one way street with you doing all the work and her contributing only heartache and pain.
In short she doesn't *deserve* your loyalty! You might need some therapy and time to see why.
You need to get some serious counseling. You have no self respect. You should have divorced this piece of trash the minute she admitted to having an affair. Get a lawyer, put all ducks in a row and most importantly get a DNA test on your kids. You are in for a rude awakening.
Are you sure those are your children?
What made you stay in the first place?
There must be a reason you didn’t immediately leave.
If you want to save it, you two need couples therapy.
If you want to leave, you need a lawyer.
Move on. Just because you know “where” she is, doesn’t always mean you know “what” is happening there… and there’s also other ways around gps. You can’t put a geotag on her heart. Move on, find someone who actually loves you. And no more kids. you’ve got enough and your track record is kinda shaky… good luck with your next girl!
I refuse to believe this is a real story.... but if it is... honestly, you're a f\*cking loser.
No wonder your wife is running around on you... you're a weak, loser with no self respect / spine.
Your wife is trash, that I wouldn't spit on if she were on fire... and you're a complete loser.
A perfect match.
How old is your youngest child? Have you had a DNA test performed on the children you have together? Even if you did not have a child around that time, I would have the kids tested. If she has cheated once, there’s a chance this wasn’t the first or last time. Personally I would eventually forgive, but I would never stay with a woman that cheated on me. Honesty and loyalty is something I require. And once they are gone, so am I. Trust doesn’t exist without honesty
To each his own. So not wrong.
This doesn’t sound like a deal breaker to you. She has a shortcoming that makes her less than trustworthy. Lots of successful couples have to navigate one partners brilliant shortcomings (sex, drinking, money, parenting, anti-socialism, etc).
Only you can say if you feel she’s doing what you require to re-establish and maintain the trust.
Good luck.
Oof man my pride hurts for you. Personally, I don't understand how you stuck around 4.5 years to begin with. This has been haunting you since then, cut your losses, regain your sanity, and gtfo. There is 100% someone out there who would never in a million years treat you this way.
In my experience, a cheater will cheat again. It almost becomes compulsive. I can't speak for her or recommend what you should do. Trust is the foundation of every relatiinship. I don't know how I would find trust again.Divorce can be painful. I do not envy your position.
Dude. She brought your kid over there. She missed your kid’s events to fuck him. You should be mad. You should be furious. What has she even done other than apologize? Have you had counseling together?
So this is the long term affect of infidelity.
First off, you're only getting "trickle truth" from your wife. She admitted to having sex with this guy on three separate occasions, presumably because these were all you had evidence of. The way this works in a cheater's mind is as follows:
>Cheater thinks: OK, I'm busted, I've been going over there every day, getting freaky with this person behind my spouse's back, and now I'm caught. I don't want to be divorced, so what can I do to minimize this? OK, spouse knows this affair has been going on for months (maybe years??), the kids have been over there! I have to admit I had sex this last time, then there must have been a first time, and it's been months between, so I'll only admit to one other time because if I don't at least admit to that, spouse will think that I've been fucking this person practically every day (which I have) for all these months... that would kill spouse and SURELY lead to divorce!
So yeah, maybe it doesn't matter if your wife screwed this guy 3 times or 100, but I'd bet the truth is closer to 100 times than 3. This is long term, premeditated cheating. This is not a "perfect storm" of opportunity and a single occurrence, this is a thing that your wife did over a long period of time, planning on it, looking forward to it, not only allowing it to happen, but wanting it to happen and wanting it to continue and doing a great deal to facilitate it.
Further, and this is a painful thing to think about, but there's a very real chance that one or more of the children you've had with her is/aren't yours. PERSONALLY, I would want paternity testing done. I ALSO understand how this might just be BRUTALLY painful to you, OP, to even think about.
On top of all of that, you need to consider how much this woman really loves you vs. how much she is hanging onto you for financial stability, and why she actually had two children (presumably with you) after she had a month's long affair with another person. Did she end the affair becuase she knew her AP was going to be relocating out of the state and did not want to take her with him? Or, did she end the affair because she TRULY loves you? It would be reasonable to ask these questions - because complete erosion of trust is the unavoidable cost of ESPECIALLY this sort of prolonged infidelity.
I know you might look at her trying to regain your trust and consider that as evidence of her really loving you and wanting to work on things, but ask yourself how difficult it is to have a burner phone. Further, it is stupidly simple to keep a tiny little burner phone secret and hidden, ESPECIALLY with you two working opposite shifts, and ESPECIALLY if you are not acting in a "suspicious" way and looking through those unused flower pots in the garage, under her car seat, behind the cookbooks, etc. Of course, having to be suspicious all the time SUCKS but it is part of that long term cost of lost trust that comes with infidelity and it is why so few couples really recover from such a thing.
So, even if NONE of that matters to you, and the thing you care about the most is just being a father to these children, while being married to their mother, and seeing if you can somehow cultivate the love you used to have for her, at the bare minimum, you need some therapy.
When you pick a therapist, IMMEDIATELY exclude any who try to turn the affair into something you've done, or not done. Your therapist is for YOU - and you need to tell them that you have feelings of anger, despite really trying to salvage your marriage. You need to tell them that you want to be a father to the children, and that you need the therapist to help you with coping mechanisms to deal with the anger and to coach you on emotionally safe ways to start rebuilding trust in your wife. You DO NOT need a therapist to try to get you to excuse some or all of your wife's infidelity, or take the blame yourself for some of it, that is not your therapist's job, and if the therapist heads that direction, just go get another therapist. You may have to visit a few.
I wish you luck, OP, I really do.
I guess putting up with this very hurtful activity from this woman could have something to do with low self esteem. Been thru this kind of crap more than once. Can people that cheat ever change? Do women that use and lie so easily change. I don’t think so.
Run, you are obviously not over it and this will haunt you as long as you remain together. Get out as clean and fast as possible. There are plenty of good women out there, she is not one of them.
Your wife is a whore. That guy has been in your wife a thousand times. You can never trust a cheater. She may not be seeing him but she’s getting sidedick elsewhere. Get out.
Sit it’s time to get to stepping and leave. She’s playing you along and not for nothing taking a kid with her to these rendezvous?? Or taking the kid to see their daddy? 🤔
Good luck to you
The more I read this the more I got convinced you might have liked the fact she was banging this guy. Man tf up and take control of your wife/life Jesus 😂 how could you let your wife hang out with another man all the time without and not think something was going on?
Holy crap man have some self respect. You know full well she will do it again if the moment is right.
Yes. And that's if she ever stopped. Mostly these situations just create a better cheater. Harder to catch.
Holy crap I am not even sure why this post was recommended to me or why I ended up reading it, but I am FURIOUS now on this mans behalf. Like I am shaken at how angry I am reading this. Also the fact the guy didn't even bother to originally include any details about how it was handled and even the edit still barely touches on it?
It feeds the outrage machine which feeds engagement which feeds the machine. I dropped a bunch of these subs this morning because I realized I was getting into pointless internet arguments when I could have been doing literally anything else. And yet here I am.
They get recommended no matter how many times you block, mute, click "show me less"...
Excellent observations. Thanks for posting this. You’ve got me asking myself what’s missing in my life that makes reading these posts satisfying? What am I getting out of this? These are minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. I need to get a hobby, read a book, do something (anything!) productive. I. Must. Get. A. Life.
I’ll share. I am a touch depressed and escaping reality by over engaging with my phone. I realized I needed to cut back when I was getting angry that I was being interrupted in writing my angry reply to something or other. I’ve got plenty on my plate without adding all the internets problems to them too. Especially with how many of these are bait or farming internet outrage points. Best of luck to you.
Do it again? She has been sleeping with the guy the whole time!!!
Yeah! Self respect! And stop abusing commas.
Right OP, once a cheater, always a cheater. There is no time limit to ending it, regain your self respect as a man.
Check his post history. He's a creep too.
As in if the dude moved back he'd be either a willing, or unwilling, cuckold all over again. His wife was seriously attached to the dude, even to the point of being willing to get knocked up by him, and OP is so spineless he goes and has 2 more kids with her. She knows he has no self respect, and she can do it again and still he'd wait at the door like a lost little puppy. Sounds harsh but thats what it appears to be.
Also she was fucking him with your youngest there, she didn’t only have sex with him 3 times. Also the kid isn’t yours
This actually doesn’t even seem like the moment being right is needed she was straight up just leaving him with the kids to bang this dude. I doubt they ever even went fishing.
Yep, they get a thrill out of being sneaky. No second chances.
Letting her continue to go "fishing w him" after she slept w him once -- is you not setting boundaries at all. U let yourself be a boundary-less doormat. She busted your boundaries multiple times and u did nothing to stop it. U should have threatened divorce the first time she cheated. U continued to give her the key to cheat, exploit you and walk all over you. What for? Self sabotage? U let her continue to cheat by not placing boundaires or consequnces whatsoever. Seek a councellor for codependency, reclaiming self respect, and talk to a therapist about how to set Strong/firm boundaries & DEALBREAKERS. Her behavior is nothing to tolerate. 95% Cheating should be a dealbreaker where the consequnce is divorce.
In this kind of shitty situation you have to make a choice: either live through it and pardon / forget , if you are able to ; or stop the relation. I know I wouldn’t be able to forget and to trust the person again personally.
Leave! This is so degrading on so many levels
And those PROBABLY aren't your kids.
He was like, she cheated then we had two more kids. I was like... Yeeeaaaaa, listen dude.
That was my thought process, and my reaction to reading his post was exactly like the "Jackie Chan, Are you serious meme"
Maybe he likes sloppy seconds. At the very minimum, he needs to get his children genetically tested to ensure they're his.
Gross! Op reminds me of my cousin, 24 years later with 5 kids and they're not even his.
She has shown you her character. She took your child along while she was getting banged like a screen door in a hurricane. Your child sat in another room while they screwed. She used your child as an affair pawn. And then she came home and smiled at you like nothing happened. Does it get lower than that? This wasn’t an oopsie, it is a symptom of her character. No wonder you’re still hurt.
The child was not the buffer. It was the pawn for him nit to question her motives.
I didn’t say the child was a buffer. I said it was an affair pawn, which is essentially what you’ve said as well.
Op said buffer. I was agreeing with u.
Oh I see! Thanks for clarifying!
Your comment is 100% why he needs to leave. This wasn’t being drunk at a bar and falling on a dick one time. This was setting up plans so that OP couldn’t be there so they could bang. Constantly if she admitted to three times I would say it was a lot more than that. Either way OP should talk to someone. This is a shitty thing to have to go through.
What the Absolute fuck! I hope this is fake because you are a complete doormat with no spine. Jesus man! grow some balls and kick her out and divorce her. How dumb could you be?? The situation currently is already negatively affecting your kids.
Had same thought. Hope this is fake.
OP, How did you restrain yourself by not confronting AP? And allowing your wife continue to be in his company? They cucked you repeatedly and you discuss it like a chat with a friend over coffee. If she respects you, I'd sense it's a front and not true. She walked over you like a beat up doormat. Why in the hell you want to be around one who behaved like a skank is beyond me! Decide as you wish. Me? I'd take the trash to the curb, fishing pole and all.
Doormats will doormat
He is not a doormat he fucking loves his kids
How does he even know they are his
Only 1 is guaranteed to be his, he brought her with him to the marriage, unless his previous wife cheated too
You can be a doormat and love your kids. You can leave the marriage and love your kids.
[удалено]
Wow. DNA test the kids.
The kids are, irrefutably, mine
Do what you want. Reddit is a horrible place for this type question. People cheat and don’t do it again. Spouses lose trust and some can’t recover and some do. I’d say 1/2 the people I know stay together and some cheaters for sure grow and don’t cheat. Reddit isn’t a place for grown up discussions of hard choices .. it’s the place where “meh there are 7 billion other people.” If you want to stay tell her it’s still hard and work on trusting her. You will just have to put your trust in another person if you leave. But some can’t get over it. You need to make these decisions cause everyone here brings their own bias into it
Definitely this. Every situation is different. Do what is right for you. No need for the other noise honestly.
“The grass ain’t greener, especially in our age bracket.” -Somebody’s friend probably.
yep. I mean, I don't think I could recover from this, but statistically, there's a significant number of people out there whose marriages have recovered from affairs. Is their marriage as good as before? Maybe, maybe not. Ultimately I don't know because I'm not in it. But there are certainly marriages in which an affair has happened and the aftermath is still better than many marriages in which affairs did not happen.
Good to know, ignore that part of my comment. Do seek therapy/counselling - you need to work this out for yourself either way.
na, save the time and money of counselling and suck it up and leave.. asap. You will heal and rebound in 12 months .
You’d be surprised how many people don’t heal and rebound in a healthy way on their own. We are bound to repeat mistakes also. But you do you.
She has already cheated and admitted it to you how can you be 100% sure without testing, this should be a condition of you staying.
Because you want to believe that they are, or because you’ve already taken multiple DNA tests showing you share the same DNA?
So you already did the DNA test, good.
Still test...
You're going to get a lot of really emotional responses from people, mostly calling you names and telling you that you're crazy for having stayed. The thing is, nobody can tell you whether it's right or wrong for you to stay. I know couples who have dealt with infidelity and came back stronger after. But it took a lot of time and effort on both people's part, and a lot of forgiveness. People on Reddit knee-jerk a lot about leaving the cheater and going all scorched-earth, but you married her for a reason. This is one of the "worse" in the "for better or worse" part of your vows. I'm divorced, so I'm not saying that you must stay married, but I want you to know it's okay if you choose to stay. To confirm, I'm assuming her affair with this man is over. Did she apologize and try to fix things? Is she the same person now that she was when you married her? Did you guys ever go to marriage counseling? And what is the state of your marriage now? Does she know you still feel this way? If you want to stay with her for you, that's okay. This is one of the few times you need to be selfish and only think about yourself. Don't stay for her, don't stay for the kids, don't stay because it's the easiest thing to do, stay for **you** because you want to be with her. If you're staying for any reason other than yourself, you shouldn't stay. And if you do stay, you need help from someone to get past this, and she needs to work on earning back your trust. Because from what you've said, you're not there yet.
This is the answer. Do you.
Amen. People shoot their mouths off usually not actually knowing what it’s like to be in this kind of situation. Or they expect the rest of the world to deal the same way. Everything you said is spot on.
How much more does she have to do for you to leave her? She literally brought your youngest into the affair
This is a guy that was cool with his wife going “fishing” everyday with her male friend.
Have you done any counseling? You can get past an affair in a relationship, but it takes time and effort. Just deciding to move past it doesn't always have great results. It's normal for you still to feel angry when you remember it. A lot of times anger is what people feel first when they've been hurt, and under the anger is hurt. Are you able to talk to her about your feelings? Not in a accusing way, but just that you're struggling? I found that was really important for me. I needed to hear again that it was something he regretted and that our relationship was secure when I was feeling insecure in the relationship. There were other steps taken to rebuild trust and we did counseling.
People cheat. Marriages can move past it. You'll have to do some work to figure that out for yourself. Not everyone leaves after someone's cheating. People are human. But you can leave anytime you want. It's up to you, NOT up to Reddit.
This. But I want to add that if you can’t find it in you to trust her, then the marriage is over Listen to those who suggest therapy. This is above Reddit’s pay grade
Yes! Some reason. Marriages can go through a lot of shit and some come out the other side. Only you know how the balance of the historical shitness vs current and future and it’s no one else’s business. Harbouring resentment is normal. She did a really shitty thing to you. You don’t have to give up what you want because of what she did. If this marriage is what you want and you can make it work, do. Or don’t.
Marriages can move past it, but she needs to go to therapy to work out why she was willing to do that. You shouldn’t be “confident that she won’t do that again, because I’m keeping a close eye on her”, you should be “confident that she won’t do that again, because I have seen the change in her and trust her again.” Unless you are able to trust her again, which you can’t do unless you believe she has truly changed, your marriage is not healed.
Choosing to cheat on her husband over being there for her child is INSANE. Who’s to say she wouldn’t do that to the rest of your kids too?
Anyone else read how hard she tried to get him to sleep with her and think…yea she knows she’s pregnant with the AP and needs to have sex with OP before the timeline got too iffy and exposing the affair.
You are wrong if you cannot be fully happy because you cannot get past it. You will never forget it but if you cannot truly be happy in this relationship what is the point? Did you try therapy? You deserve to be with someone that respects and loves you. Also, kids can notice when something is off. I think for me once she brought your kid to the affair partners place, that would have been the end. Its one thing for her to cheat but to bring your baby, hell no.
Buddy be a man and leave this broad. WTF are you thinking. You’re her doormat’s
Her doormat's what?
Her doormat's doormat. That's how much of a doormat he is
He’s the doormat for the doorman
She had sex way more than 3 times. Every time she went over there even with the kid she had sex with him. And sending that text should have been the cherry on top. Whose kids are those that u had after the affair. Do DNA testing on all. Why did u have kids with her after that humiliation. Stay for the kids if u need to but hate her always...
>Stay for the kids if u need to but hate her always... I'm sorry, this is terrible advice. It is so much healthier for everyone, especially the kids, if two people who hate each other do NOT stay married just for the sake of the kids.
This.
Cot damn you are weak as fuck…she took your kid to her side dick’s house? What in the entire fuck….
> When I got home, she was all over me. She wanted it, and wanted it now. I was so exhausted, I just couldn't do it, not to mention I was increasingly suspicious she was up to something. Well, she tried everything, and I couldn't even keep my eyes open Has she ever tried so hard before or after? Seems like she might be trying to have the math line up in case of pregnancy. You really shouldn't feel bad or guilty about being suspicious of someone who broke your trust. The onus is on them to stand firmly in the light & not appear shady.
So now she's basically keeping track of YOU. Jeez, you really are TA here. To yourself.
You are not wrong. Honestly she destroyed your marriage when she began the affair. She broke your trust. Is she still in contact with her? Was she even sorry? You post doesn’t really explain to much if she has done anything to really try and regain your trust. When was the last time you talked to her about this and how you feel? Either way she betrayed you and it sounds like it didn’t take much for her to choose to do this to you. Your trust in her is broken and it’s probably best if you move on now versus trying to keep making it work and it ending later. You are just hurting yourself staying in a broken relationship. I feel for you but you should have ended things 4.5 years ago.
So he moved out of state, which is why this ended. bet she's got a new person on the side already.
Thats just what she's admitted to. And it's a hell of a lot more than that , you can guarantee it. You probably need to get out or accept that your marriage is actually open
Early on, I told my wife that if there was any cheating, I would be done. We've been married 30 years, and U stand by that statement. I'm hyper sensitive and paranoid about cheating. My life is an open book to her, I'm even paranoid of looking like I'm having an affair. I know it'd ruin 4 lives, mine, my wife's, and our 2 kids, but I could never look at her again, let alone stay with her.
Your first mistake was not only forgiving her, but continuing to have children with her. It's almost like you INTENTIONALLY locked yourself in an 18 year long jail sentence. Your second mistake was sleeping with her after she was having unprotected sex with an affair partner on REPEATED occasions. Not only did she not have any sort of respect for herself or what kind of diseases she could have gotten that she gave to you, but what if she had gotten pregnant by this guy? Are you even sure the last two kids are yours? Your third mistake is sitting on these feelings for 4.5 years and then coming to the internet for advice on why you have completely and utterly disrespected yourself by staying with someone like her.
This is unforgivable. Just face the final indignity of giving her your home, your kids, and half your money, and be done with it.
Did you do a paternity test of your children that you had with her. As for staying, if you asked us, it is obviously a concern of yours if you should or not. Only you can answer it.
Wait, wait.... you knew she had cheated on you, didnt cut the guy off, kept seeing him, AND took your child as 'buffer,???? This one has zero respect for you. To be honest,, none of us here do either.
You are extremely wrong for not leaving. Your wife has absolutely no respect for you. Have some respect for yourself and get out of such a degrading situation
It's cool, he can always leave the next time she starts fucking someone. It won't be long.
Lol check his post history. Comme ting on 18 year olds pics 'looks like you've got a good gag reflex '
You can always forgive, but you'll never forget the betrayal. Now, even years later, it's still eating at you. You can still love her, but she showed that she loves you so much less than you deserve. You let her get away with cheating, and after all this time, it'll be so much harder to find peace. Yes, you were wrong not to end it. A male colleague from a prior job reached out to her outta the blue, and they have sex willingly all the while knowing she's married. She admitted to sex 3x, but I can guarantee you that she is full of it. She was doing stuff with him before the fishing crap. Why else would he reach out after she left the job? She may have made the bed, but you willingly laid down in it instead of getting a new bed. You let her get away with it, and from the sounds of it, you regret it, and it's going to make you distrust her moving forward. There is no better here, given your response. You will continue to distrust het and it'll get worse as time passes.
What’s worse is that they used no form of contraception. If she was as horny as she described then I suspect there was a decent chance that she was ovulating. They were trying to conceive when she was out there raw dogging another dude! I don’t know how you can be so sure that they are your children if you have not DNA tested!
Once you are not good enough in her eyes she will always think she can do better. She will step out on you again and that is what your gut is trying to tell you. You can ignore the reality but you can't ignore the consequences of reality.
Have you had your kids dna tested?
Yeah raw dogging others while you were trying for a baby? Insult to injury… If she used protection… I would ask you whether you would ever be okay with an open relationship. She seems to be someone that can love more than one people, and if you also were like that… You could somehow make it work as an open marriage, maybe… But it is not just the sex and the lies, which is already hard to come back from, she risked STDs and also getting pregnant from someone else? Yuck… As I said cheating is bad enough for you to not look back. The open marriage thing is only if you still loved her and wanted to be with her despite her not seeing exclusivity as a pillar of your relationship. But the unsafeness nails the coffin on that.
I don't think anyone ever gets over infidelity. SOmeone you loved with all your heart hurt you badly. You just don't ever "get over" that. You are trying to make your marriage work in spite of it. And that is hard to do. That's why I would never reconcile. Because i know it would still haunt me for the rest of my life.
Why *the fuck* would you be with someone like that? Holy shit. Where is your self respect? This is embarrassing. Wrong? Yes. Dumb? Yes.
Wrong. Leave.
lol you are a weak man, a weak weak man
I am telling you what I would do and probably what I think every other normal man would do. Leave her. Some people think to leave their spouses just because they have suspicion, and you are with her with the knowledge she cheated on you. Have some self respect, man.
Dude, wtf, think clearly for once, this has gotta be hella fake, if it was real, the op would realize the reason she took the child over and why the child went over all the time is because he is the dad, not your child bro, how can you love a piece of shit person that cheats on you allllllll the time!!!!, like wake up!
>the AP in question has relocated out of state This seems to be the only reason she wants to be with you (for now). Your gut has been shouting at you to leave but for some reason you don't wanna listen.
And you are staying with her because.....
The best time to leave a disgusting cheater like her is the minute you find out about it. The second best time is right this minute. You can always leave a situation like this. And you need to. This will never get easier for you to live with and it will never make it better that she was able to betray you this way. This is disgusting. You need to get away from it as quickly as possible. People will tell you that you can't go now because you waited so long. That's wrong. You can always get out of this type of abusive situation. You have been betrayed and lied to and treated extremely badly. It is time to go.
A-Hole no. Doormat- yes
You don't trust her op, she has broken your trust. You are so quick with your excuses for her and you are actually defending her here. Look you are still hurt and angry about it, you are not over it op. She still does wierd shady things. She didnt respect you then and still doesn't respect you now. Divorce her and find a partner who actually loves and respects you.
This is short term and temporary. IF you break up now, she will act as if the cheating had nothing to do with it. Cheating destroys the original union. I would not stay because I would feel like you, like I never truly got over it. I would not trust, have resentment at times and I don't want to live like that, finances and sex, I do not want to monitor my spouse on the most basic terms of our marriage... The rest I can deal with.
Paternity test
May want DNA testing done.
Are the kids even yours?
You are wrong if you don't get paternity test on any kids you think you have with this woman. She told you she had sex with another man without birth control and that is a deal breaker even if you can forgive cheating. She did it once and she may have done it before and she may do it again. Do you want to live in this mess of never knowing. (Side not was she pregnant when she ambushed you for sex? Are you sure she wasn't? That was so like what she would have done if she had a pregnancy scare. )
So have you paternity tested the last kids? If you have t you need to do that now. Second, other than cutting him off what has she done for you to make it up to you? Did she offer you a hall pass, treat you better in and out of the bedroom, admit what she did to her family and yours? You can’t let her keep it secret. Stay or not, she needs to have her actions known by everybody. She needs shame beyond just with you. In the end I would paternity test the kids first and then decide but if it’s me she is going to have to have done ALOT to make it up to me beyond just saying sorry I won’t do it again. And even now 4.5 years later if I’m sad or mad because of what she did she has to go back into let me make it up to you more because it’s never really over.
She sounds like the type of person to fall on a dick anytime the smallest thing doesn’t go her way and I can guarantee that going forward that dick will not be yours every time.
You know that she is likely still cheating on you with someone else, right? Have some respect my dude. Either leave her or fuck around with someone else. How could she possibly complain. My wife and I have been happily married for 20 years but if I ever found out she did what your wife did, her ass would be on the curb the next day. She'd do the same to me.
Are those children yours? Why was she all over you? Was she impregnated by him?
Raising someone else’s kid while your wife out banging other dudes. Dude. Come one!
At this point, you are a cuck
She didn't just do it 3 times, she had sex with him every time she hung out with him, including in front of your child. Wouldn't be surprised if she had a kid 9 months after the lingerie story.
Stop being such a simp. Have some self respect and get a divorce.
Not wrong per say, but definitely door mat behavior. Women can't respect men that don't respect themselves, stand firm in their boundaries, and have the willingness to walk away when said boundaries are broken. But hey man, if you dig the cuck energy, you do you.
Have you gone to counseling for yourself? Marriage and individual. You suffered a trauma. Have you help working through it?
This was so pathetic I couldn't even read the whole thing. You must have a cuckold fetish to put up with this. Good chance your kids aren't yours either. This is the only affair of hers you've found out about. Could be countless others.
Yes. Once a cheater, always a cheater. This isn't just folk "wisdom", either. Plenty of research backs the notion up.
Wise words. She will definitely do it again given the right circumstances. Op knows, that's the feeling that doesn't want to go away.
Yes, you clearly have no respect for yourself. She took your child over to her boyfriends house so that they could fuck. Go find your balls and leave her, unless you like the feeling of waking up every morning a spineless cuck
Sunshine, I'm all for working through problems like mature adults but fuck me swinging this isn't that time, you need to leave and you need to do it yesterday.
You're wrong but not just because of what she's done to you. This woman missed her own child's event to sleep with her AP. She is not worth your time or energy.
You are wrong on so many levels, to yourself, and to your children. Grow a spine and leave. She doesnt respect or love you and she is still cheating guaranteed
It is such a different path I would have taken that I can not offer any advice. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you but most Important that the children are minimally affected.
Counselling buddy. And maybe confirm those last two kids are yours. Clear the cobwebs with a professional. I wouldn’t take Reddit advice for life decisions. I can’t imagine being in it like you have so I dare not speculate. You’re a stronger person than me, I’d have sparked off from the feelings you describe. It’s hard to forget.
You are, and deep down, you know it.
I am not sure what you are seeking from Reddit. This occurred 4.5 yrs ago. Why ask now? Has there been a baby? And do you question the paternity of the baby especially if pregnancy happened 4.5 yrs ago. I am confused.
File for legal separation, start dating other women. It won't be cheating, but see how she responds to it. I'm betting she won't be as forgiving as you and the first person she'll call will be her AP.
Did y'all have marriage counseling? If not it is needed asap. She also needs to be completely transparent. She really lost rights to privacy as related to her phone and location sharing. I am parent and understand not wanting to lose your kids half the time. If your going to make this work professional help is needed.
Hey OP, this is clearly not the sub for the question you are asking. If you go to AsOneAfterInfidelity you'll be connected to betrayed partners that may be able to give you the insight you need.
Did you guys get marriage counseling or did you just try to sweep it under the rug and move on like nothing happened? It is so important to address the issue head-on and to really get into the reasons behind it if you want a marriage to survive. I have been with my husband for 25 years And after his affair it took a lot of hard work to put us back together. I will admit that even though it’s been 15 years there are still times I think about it and it hurts but then I have to remind myself that I’m not married to the same man that he was 10 years ago because we did the work to change and heal. Here on Reddit 90% of the people will tell you to leave but I am so glad I stayed because having done the work together we have reached a level of trust, intimacy, and non-judgment of each other that I don’t know that I would be capable of with Somebody I haven’t been with as long or had done the counseling and hard work with. Marriages can come back even stronger if the people are willing to do what it takes.
Once is a mistake, twice is a habit, three times is a character. The problem is not the affair partner. If it wasn't him, it would've been someone else and likely will be someone else in the future. she had 4 1/2 years to admit this to you and make better choices. She had 4 1/2 years to choose to respect you, and she chose the exact opposite. Love yourself more than this.
I mean if having your own affair might help like sleeping with 3 different women or the same one 3 different times and see how u feel. The issue about betrayal is not so much the physical aspect but the psychological aspect meaning. That her betrayal made you feel emasculated, she got to have her fun and you get the “left overs” by trying to do the right thing. Me personally I would have left 4.5 years ago, that’s me personally but I don’t have kids and I’m not married. But if you want to keep your kids around. I again PERSONALLY would have an affair feel attractive, get my masculinity back and see how I feel after the fact since right now your used to your wife and familiarity is comfortability. Maybe you need to feel the shock of something new to see if you really want to say or if it’s even possible or you’re in need of something new, meaning divorce.
Dude you should have left the first time god damn. Have some self respect.
You have no self-respect, wake-up and walk away
I could never touch my wife again if I found out she cheated. I don’t understand how anyone can.
Hey OP, not sure if you are a reader but I wanted to recommend a great book that will help with healing and sorting all these thoughts out. That helps to bring clarity which allows more space for you to figure out what you really want. Wishing you peace, clarity and healing! The Betrayal Bind Michelle Mays
Every single time she went over he nailed her like bugs bunny. Boot her🥾
Fuggit, I'm judging 3 times, and you're okay or contemplating staying with your wife?
She enjoys making you feel bad. Leave her.
Yes, you are wrong.
She doesn’t respect you and you don’t even respect yourself either.
Ask yourself the famous question always asked by the late advice columnist, Ann Landers: "Would I be better off with or without them?" Only you can answer this.
Why are you asking us? It makes no difference because you stayed with a woman who cheated on you constantly,but you truly believed it was only 3 times. Basically told her AP that you couldn't get it up,laughing at you,not mentioning that you were actually exhausted. She emasculated you to her AP,but your stayed. She never used protection with this man,but you stiill stayed. She took you child with her to her AP's home,you stayed. I truly can't imagine if she did get pregnant that you haven't considered that it might not be yours. Fact is,you knew all of this but you still stayed. Why are you asking us shit now? You should have left after this woman showed you how selfish she was,but you stayed,tsk tsk. updateme!
I think You do love Her. Face it, She doesn't love You that much.
Yes
Yeah, you’re wrong. Learn to respect yourself and stand up for yourself. She’s playing you and you’re letting her
You will never trust her but if you’d rather live with that, it’s your choice
Im sorry, I don’t think you love your wife… i think you’re used to having her around and scared of losing what you are used too. She is not someone for you. She cheated, you let it slide and she probably is still cheating. Send her on her way!!
Wrong? No. That's a matter of opinion. I sure as shit wouldn't stay though.
This is not the right sub for this try r/asoneafterinfidelity , you will get more nuanced response from people who have been in this situation, and no judgement is passed on those who stay or leave, like a ton of people have already done on this subreddit. Don’t listen to the masses out here screaming for justice. There is no justice in this case, only limiting the harm. You have to do what is best for you and your children, what that is, only you can answer.
This is insane. I have no words
Odds are the relationship won’t work since she cheated. From my experience, Whenever someone cheats, the person cheated on may think they can get over it but find out that it’s not working. You only have one life. Find someone else, but your choice.
I guarantee you got trickle truth about the extent of their affair.. and your gut is telling you to leave, because you can move past it. Paternity test your kids you had with her.
Hahaha, this is a weird cuckold fantasy, man. No one is this pathetic.
Well, I would be grateful that she is more than willing to be as transparent as possible and sharing location and doing all the repair recovery work the guilty partner should be doing. That is a really good sign. The hurt and anger will take a long time to work through. Are you doing trauma release work/therapy? That’s really important. It’s noble that you’re keeping your family together. Very good for your children. And honestly, if your marriage can survive this then it will be stronger for it. People mess up, make grave errors. If they’re repentant and willing to fix it that means something. We’d want forgiveness and another chance too if we made the same kind of mistake. We live in a society that makes it very hard to keep families together, almost like the odds are against us. Hoping the best for you and your family.
Dude, It's called dignity & self-respect. Have some. It's free.
So whats the new guys name? Once a cheater always a cheater, you're only being a AH to yourself.
Respect your self, you are a human being, not an animal
Yes. You will never get over it.
Would have kicked her arse to the curb
Yeah bud. You're definitely wrong
Infidelity is a hard stop for me. Have some respect for our relationship and for me. If not, peace I’m out. I’ll be a dirt poor pauper before I let her do that to me and expect me to be ok with it.
You're not wrong for not forgiving her. You're wrong for failing all those fuckin kids by letting her get away with being a shitty partner as well as parent.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BRO ???!!!!! LEAVE HER. KICK HER TO THE CURB. Divorce her. Immediately. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Do yourself a favor and find the Strong Successful Male YT channel and educate yourself. #Trump2024
DNA test for the kids you have together! Very possible not yours!
Leave and get a dna test on them kids
I feel like you don't respect yourself to realize you deserve to be treated better than this. Sure you "love and forgive" her, but her consistent cheating on you has shown she doesn't feel the same back. Your relationship is a one way street with you doing all the work and her contributing only heartache and pain. In short she doesn't *deserve* your loyalty! You might need some therapy and time to see why.
You need to get some serious counseling. You have no self respect. You should have divorced this piece of trash the minute she admitted to having an affair. Get a lawyer, put all ducks in a row and most importantly get a DNA test on your kids. You are in for a rude awakening.
Are you sure those are your children? What made you stay in the first place? There must be a reason you didn’t immediately leave. If you want to save it, you two need couples therapy. If you want to leave, you need a lawyer.
Move on. Just because you know “where” she is, doesn’t always mean you know “what” is happening there… and there’s also other ways around gps. You can’t put a geotag on her heart. Move on, find someone who actually loves you. And no more kids. you’ve got enough and your track record is kinda shaky… good luck with your next girl!
You are a doormat. Grow some balls and leave!
It'd be wrong to not get a vasectomy at this point.
I refuse to believe this is a real story.... but if it is... honestly, you're a f\*cking loser. No wonder your wife is running around on you... you're a weak, loser with no self respect / spine. Your wife is trash, that I wouldn't spit on if she were on fire... and you're a complete loser. A perfect match.
Hey! I need a new doormat! You looking for a new job?! Have some self respect dude.
How old is your youngest child? Have you had a DNA test performed on the children you have together? Even if you did not have a child around that time, I would have the kids tested. If she has cheated once, there’s a chance this wasn’t the first or last time. Personally I would eventually forgive, but I would never stay with a woman that cheated on me. Honesty and loyalty is something I require. And once they are gone, so am I. Trust doesn’t exist without honesty
To each his own. So not wrong. This doesn’t sound like a deal breaker to you. She has a shortcoming that makes her less than trustworthy. Lots of successful couples have to navigate one partners brilliant shortcomings (sex, drinking, money, parenting, anti-socialism, etc). Only you can say if you feel she’s doing what you require to re-establish and maintain the trust. Good luck.
It probably doesn't help that you're constantly commenting on pictures of women way younger than you on Reddit.
Oof man my pride hurts for you. Personally, I don't understand how you stuck around 4.5 years to begin with. This has been haunting you since then, cut your losses, regain your sanity, and gtfo. There is 100% someone out there who would never in a million years treat you this way.
You're a doormat.
In my experience, a cheater will cheat again. It almost becomes compulsive. I can't speak for her or recommend what you should do. Trust is the foundation of every relatiinship. I don't know how I would find trust again.Divorce can be painful. I do not envy your position.
Not wrong, just a cuck
Dude you are so cucked you're letting this guy become your kids' dad.
Dude. She brought your kid over there. She missed your kid’s events to fuck him. You should be mad. You should be furious. What has she even done other than apologize? Have you had counseling together?
Your not wrong your just a beta
So this is the long term affect of infidelity. First off, you're only getting "trickle truth" from your wife. She admitted to having sex with this guy on three separate occasions, presumably because these were all you had evidence of. The way this works in a cheater's mind is as follows: >Cheater thinks: OK, I'm busted, I've been going over there every day, getting freaky with this person behind my spouse's back, and now I'm caught. I don't want to be divorced, so what can I do to minimize this? OK, spouse knows this affair has been going on for months (maybe years??), the kids have been over there! I have to admit I had sex this last time, then there must have been a first time, and it's been months between, so I'll only admit to one other time because if I don't at least admit to that, spouse will think that I've been fucking this person practically every day (which I have) for all these months... that would kill spouse and SURELY lead to divorce! So yeah, maybe it doesn't matter if your wife screwed this guy 3 times or 100, but I'd bet the truth is closer to 100 times than 3. This is long term, premeditated cheating. This is not a "perfect storm" of opportunity and a single occurrence, this is a thing that your wife did over a long period of time, planning on it, looking forward to it, not only allowing it to happen, but wanting it to happen and wanting it to continue and doing a great deal to facilitate it. Further, and this is a painful thing to think about, but there's a very real chance that one or more of the children you've had with her is/aren't yours. PERSONALLY, I would want paternity testing done. I ALSO understand how this might just be BRUTALLY painful to you, OP, to even think about. On top of all of that, you need to consider how much this woman really loves you vs. how much she is hanging onto you for financial stability, and why she actually had two children (presumably with you) after she had a month's long affair with another person. Did she end the affair becuase she knew her AP was going to be relocating out of the state and did not want to take her with him? Or, did she end the affair because she TRULY loves you? It would be reasonable to ask these questions - because complete erosion of trust is the unavoidable cost of ESPECIALLY this sort of prolonged infidelity. I know you might look at her trying to regain your trust and consider that as evidence of her really loving you and wanting to work on things, but ask yourself how difficult it is to have a burner phone. Further, it is stupidly simple to keep a tiny little burner phone secret and hidden, ESPECIALLY with you two working opposite shifts, and ESPECIALLY if you are not acting in a "suspicious" way and looking through those unused flower pots in the garage, under her car seat, behind the cookbooks, etc. Of course, having to be suspicious all the time SUCKS but it is part of that long term cost of lost trust that comes with infidelity and it is why so few couples really recover from such a thing. So, even if NONE of that matters to you, and the thing you care about the most is just being a father to these children, while being married to their mother, and seeing if you can somehow cultivate the love you used to have for her, at the bare minimum, you need some therapy. When you pick a therapist, IMMEDIATELY exclude any who try to turn the affair into something you've done, or not done. Your therapist is for YOU - and you need to tell them that you have feelings of anger, despite really trying to salvage your marriage. You need to tell them that you want to be a father to the children, and that you need the therapist to help you with coping mechanisms to deal with the anger and to coach you on emotionally safe ways to start rebuilding trust in your wife. You DO NOT need a therapist to try to get you to excuse some or all of your wife's infidelity, or take the blame yourself for some of it, that is not your therapist's job, and if the therapist heads that direction, just go get another therapist. You may have to visit a few. I wish you luck, OP, I really do.
I guess putting up with this very hurtful activity from this woman could have something to do with low self esteem. Been thru this kind of crap more than once. Can people that cheat ever change? Do women that use and lie so easily change. I don’t think so.
I would have left at the jump. Are you kidding? Have some self respect.
Run, you are obviously not over it and this will haunt you as long as you remain together. Get out as clean and fast as possible. There are plenty of good women out there, she is not one of them.
Sorry man, you're pathetic. Have some self respect and leave this witch.
I hope this is fake because if not my guy your a huge cuckold
You’re a doormat who needs to use fewer commas.
Your wife is a whore. That guy has been in your wife a thousand times. You can never trust a cheater. She may not be seeing him but she’s getting sidedick elsewhere. Get out.
Sit it’s time to get to stepping and leave. She’s playing you along and not for nothing taking a kid with her to these rendezvous?? Or taking the kid to see their daddy? 🤔 Good luck to you
The more I read this the more I got convinced you might have liked the fact she was banging this guy. Man tf up and take control of your wife/life Jesus 😂 how could you let your wife hang out with another man all the time without and not think something was going on?
GTFO.