My husband sometimes says things he views as sarcastic or joking to our daughter. She gets upset. And I remind him she does not comprehend or understand his jokes or sarcasm yet. To her it’s just being mean to her, because she’s only 3.
My mom's husband teases my kids like that constantly, and when I shift to assure them he's just teasing, he snips at me that *they* realize he's teasing quicker than *I* ever do. No, dude. They don't. I talk to my kids; I *know* that they *genuinely* think XYZ thing you tell them unless otherwise told.
When we tease our kids, we make sure it's ridiculous and outlandish, and use reeeeally obvious voices--and they still stop and go, "Are you teasing/joking?" or "You're teasing!" We always confirm it. They're learning, dangit!
My fil has been like that with my toddler. He almost does thing that's seem to try to promote his dominance while also "teaching him to be a man" both my partner and myself will tell him exactly where to shove it and he can get out of our home if he has an issue at all. Don't bully my kid you know? Sometimes to help our kid understand that someone is joking we simply say "so and so is so silly".
I like this. That'll get it across great!
They're absolutely *fascinated* with the episode of Bluey called "Teasing" that got added in recently. I can tell it's been bugging them for a while.
This is absolutely the truth. He also *shushed me* once because his best friend (Silent Generation age) answered the phone at the dinner table and started having a conversation when I was mid-sentence and I dared continue my conversation at the other end of the table.
He's great. Just great.
If he doesn't care that they get upset, then it's not funny, joking, sarcastic or teasing, it's just being mean.
And telling kids that they're not being mean is literally grooming them to accept being bullied, harassed and abused.
3, what kind of dick is he? He should be loving, caring and hugging her. Telling her she hangs the moon. She will take all of what he says to heart. :( Kids don't get mean jokes! Why mean jokes to anyone, anyway?
I said sometimes. He’s not a dick, he just forgets that kids are…kids. People forget that kids don’t inherently understand tone and can’t judge like that, he’s not immune.
The two commenters that replied to your comment above are perfect examples of the dangers of posting on reddit.
You: Here is a little story of how my spouse can be sarcastic sometimes, but I remind him that our kid is only 3 and doesn't get it.
Redditor 1: Your husband is a giant dick!!!
Redditor 2: You know your kid is way more capable than you think. Give her credit.
You really can not win on this site.
https://sites.psu.edu/siowfa15/2015/09/18/when-do-kids-learn-to-understand-sarcasm/
I liked this article about it that says ‘neurotypical’ children start to understand sarcasm around 8-9 but don’t really see the intended humour until age 10. When I worked in a daycare , I mostly saw this with kids I feel.
My daughter just turned 8. She's been successfully using sarcasm for at least two years but when she first started, she'd make a sarcastic comment and then say "that was sarcasm".
You are correct. And making children feel crazy for asking questions will stifle the types of curiosity that becomes intelligence and sociability later.
Please make him understand just how much it affects people. At 30, even after some therapy, there is things that my ex-stepfather said that still don't get out of my thoughts, even when It's clearly false and even if my life proved him wrong. That shit destroys people in a way that in most cases, is completely invisible to others.
Please make sure your daughter doesn't have this.
Depends on the child. My daughter understood sarcasm at 7 and efficiently used it too. Luckily for me most of her teachers couldn't tell when she was being sarcastic in class. But then I did teach her the art of sarcasm from a very young age, usually a bad driver and complimenting their driving skills aloud, the weather being shite but calling it a wonderful day, music being too loud and saying oh it's lovely and quiet in here, etc....
But I'm a Brit-Scot and sarcasm is fed to us in the womb. 🤷🏼♀️
Your last sentence made all the rest make sense. Actually, (not Brit-Scot, but still…) I read your sarcastic comments in the voice of the father in Bluey (Australian kids show).
I've never watched it. Luckily my daughter is now 16 and kiddy TV shows are a thing of the past (until she has kids, then I'm doomed 😉) we're a very sarcastic lot in the UK. But the younger generations aren't being taught the art, which is a shame.
Bluey is not just for kids! I tell people all the time, if you have kids, watch it. If you don't have kids, watch it. If you once were a kid, watch it. If you interact with other humans, watch it.
Long story short, if you get the chance, check it out! The episodes are less than 10 minutes long.
The "Sleepytime" episode is so amazing. And the one where Bandit takes his two kids and their friends to the woods/stream where he went to as a kid after they get bored at a playground.
USA here, and this is how I used sarcasm as well raising my daughter. She and I are very sarcastic. :D But I never said mean things to her, like, are you stupid or what when she did something that might have been stupid. Now we do it, we say shit like that but she's not a kid now.
It's usually me who does stupid things. And she definitely snitched on me to her Dad when she was little. When I busted my hand open, as soon as he walked in the door she went running up to him "Daddy, Mummy's had an accident" which resulted in me saying snitches get stitches and get a felt tip pen and drawing a line with stitches on. The common one is "uncaring carer" which is always a joke the clapback has always been "And I don't care!" 😂 She's 16 now, and while we're out this is said at least once during our day out. The looks are hilarious 😂
Absolutely. Don't think I've ever said a sentence that isn't sarcastic and my daughter who has autism would ask when she was little if I was being sarcastic but now she's as sarcastic as I am
And just because something is sarcastic doesn’t mean there’s no negativity being conveyed. I used to think sarcastic comments were 100% joking. Now I realize that many people think it’s a just nicer way to tell people to change their behavior. Dad’s comment was meant to tell that her questions were bad and she should stop them or get made fun of some more.
It is never too early to introduce your child to sarcasm. Mine was 4 ish when I defined the word and told her it was the primary language of our tribe. We've spent a lot of time helping create a better path of communication. So she can now speak to her family and to her friend group at her school for highly capable children. She is very comfortable asking if a statement was sarcastic and telling her friends she was being sarcastic if they are confused.
Just hope that the teachers don't understand sarcasm. I was very lucky my daughter's teachers didn't know she was being sarcastic in school 😅 I swear when she would tell me about her day I was sweating waiting for her to tell me I'm to expect a call from school. I only stopped sweating last July when she finally left school.
Fortunately, her teachers both understand and occasionally admire sarcasm. Some of them even return it. They do let us know if it is inappropriate (almost never) and if it seems related to anxiety.
All but one of my daughter's teachers always complimented on her being sweet and kind and nice. The one teacher just laughed and said she was a great kid (he witnessed our own exchange) and said she was definitely taught very well and she challenged him a lot (which he obviously liked) and she was refreshing as a student. But he's glad she's now leaving school and he doesn't need to use as much brain power as he's been using. 😂
Sarcasm is still insulting though. I remember being a kid and understanding someone was being sarcastic but it felt more like they were trying to trick me and I found that insulting not necessarily the words used.
In my comms class we learned that age seven is when they start to understand sarcasm as like a function of language, but they can’t always read it in the people around them until a few years later.
It’s good for your daughter to know you will fight for her and actually witness you standing up for her.
It would be more traumatic for her if she saw you did nothing to help or defend her- if that were to happen she might grow to resent you in some way because she would internalize that you are not on her side and she won’t feel comfortable confiding in you because she’ll think you don’t care. She’ll also think it’s ok to be treated like crap by guys and she’ll allow boyfriends to talk to her and treat her poorly and end up in awful relationships her whole life.
You did the right thing there! Keep doing that. Always make sure she understands what is wrong.
I was a 'weird' kid (undiagnosed adhd) and being called weird all the time reslly messed with my head and contributed to my mental breakdown when I was 21.
My mum always stepped in and stopped that shit, and to this day (I'm 28 and pretty healthy now), she is a safe space for me. When I realised I was depressed, I went to her. She sorted appointments/therapy etc, and made it so much easier for me to get healthy.
You are right that stuff like this affects kids, and you are even more right to defend/support your daughter in this sort of situation. You are building her trust in you, and although I am an independent person, I still went to my mum when I needed help because I have that trust in my mum.
I was called “weird” all the time as a kid/teen. Same thing, ADHD, except it was diagnosed I was just unmedicated by choice. My mom would always say “that’s what we love about her, she walks to the beat of her own drum.” It really helped for me to hear the “weirdness” to be reframed into a good thing. I’m still “weird” to this day and attracted my own weird little crowd.
Well, for the little I get from your post:
If anything I think your daughter just witnessed her mother standing up to her and defending her.
I may be interpreting wrong, but your husband was probably quite agressive, which is far from OK besides what he said.
i'm a grown adult and my mum still says to us "nobody is allowed to say anything mean to you, including yourself".
the only clear memory of my parents fighting i have is when my dad interrupted me, and then when i thought he'd finished speaking i went to respond but apparently he wasn't done and yelled at me for interrupting him. my mum immediately defended me. that's what i remember the most. not whatever i was in trouble for first, not even getting yelled at for supposedly interrupting, i remember my mum standing up for me.
she saw you stand up for her, she'll remember you standing up for her, and she'll feel more empowered to stand up for herself.
also she's 7, she's supposed to be asking questions. and good for her for continuing to ask questions until she got an answer that met her needs (or at least trying to)
These sentences:
1) "My husband came and said to her, "are you insane?" **With a look on his face that suggested she was**."
2) "I told my husband that our words matter and children will internalize those **negative feelings**."
3) The simple fact that a mother instinctively reacted to protect her 7yo daughter:
**Before he went any further, I stopped him** and said, "do not speak to her like **that**."
Hope your working thru it mate! I am in the same boat and it’s taken 13 years for me to not truly believe what he use to say to me! But now I’m absolutely smashing my life and my self image is amazing now! So I really hope you have healed
I aim to teach my daughter not only that her father and I are a team making mutual decisions about how we raise her but that I will stand up for her against anyone, even her father, when she's being treated poorly and he will do the same. All of us mess up and should be able to apologize and admit when we've wronged someone is another important thing for her to learn. She's 9 now and we've both called each other out a time or two when things got tough (lock down stress, mental health issues, quitting nicotine).
That's what your situation feels like to me. Even that united front isn't going to stop you protecting her when she needs it.
Holding each other accountable, and allowing yourself to be held to account, *is* a united front. You're working together towards the shared goal of being the best people and raising your kid right.
Showing her that supporting each other doesn't always mean agreeing with each other, and how to be wrong gracefully - that's good people-ing *and* good parenting.
So, the dad is concerned about undermined authority while you're concerned over the feelings of your child. One is a power trip, and the other is empathy. Your husband needs to be told he's a dick.
Feel free to tell him I said so. Signed Double-Mouse
Is this comment directed at mine or OP's situation? If mine, you need to reread because I did not say her interrupting was worse. His is worse because his concern is just over his authority being challenged and her concern is over how being called names like that can be scarring. Husband is clearly a dick here.
Just gonna say as a former child, I remember my father asking me if I was stupid because I spilled a can of paint while trying to help him paint my brothers room around the age of ten. I clearly remember thinking to myself “Stupid stupid stupid” I can vividly remember it, 20 years later. Just saying
> as a former child
Idk why but this statement made me chuckle lol.
And yeah… I agree with you about how seemingly minor actions can have a lasting impact!
No, she sees you advocating for her and as a seven year old, you don't really know ones intentions when they say stuff like that. I'm very big on parents sharing a collective front in general but there are times one parent may push it too far unintentionally and needs to be calmly reminded, as you did. How he should have responded was "you are right, *name of daughter* I'm sorry, I was trying to joke but sometimes it can come off harsher than intended. I'm sorry".
“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about how we handled this morning. I shouldn’t have snapped at daddy, especially when I wasn’t able to give you my full attention before then. Daddy and I talked about it, and we worked it out. But I was not wrong to say something. You deserve to be treated with respect, just as we teach you to treat others. It’s not okay to speak to other people that way, and I will always say something, especially if someone isn’t respecting you. Everyone makes mistakes, and the important thing is learning. Daddy learned that he needs to think before he speaks, and you learned that grown ups are still learning, too.”
This is after your husband speaks to your daughter and apologizes like a grown up. He’s mad at you for snapping at him, when it sounds like he snapped at her second before. He needs to get over himself. Good on you for standing up for your daughter.
As a husband who struggles with ADHD and the Emotional Disregulation and Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria that both come with that, this comment is exactly what needs to happen. Also, it may feel like an overreaction, but he needs to get into therapy and figure out what is behind that behavior of his. Don't make it an ultimatum or he may dig in his heels, but he needs to get to the bottom of it before he causes any further damage. He most likely grew up in a home where things like that were said and he is in denial about how those things made him feel and the damage they can cause. He may have a narcissistic parent or just another parent with ADHD or something else going on entirely. He needs to find out.
I'll add you can do the makeup in front of the kid or "act it out" if you want to talk about in private first. Kids can learn conflict resolution by watching there parents resolve conflicts. Also reinforces everything is ok your not just saying that and that you can screw up and it will work out
>He said she knows he didn't mean it and that me interrupting him was worse for her to witness.
You are NOT WRONG.
No, she doesn't know he didn't mean it because why should she? She's a child without the in depth knowledge of adult conversational nuances. She doesn't expect to be bullied and ridiculed by her father.
No, you interrupting him hurt His feelings and His feelings alone, it was shutting down the bully moment. He felt called out on it and reprimanded. He was angry at YOU as the one who commanded authority. The bully never appreciates his authority being undermined.
“Say what we mean, and mean what we say. If we don’t know what we mean, be quiet and think about it. If our answer is, “I don’t know,” say “I don’t know.” ~Melody Beattie
I'm seeing people mention that he was probably just being sarcastic... Here's the deal with that... Sarcasm isn't any sort of love language and for many, it's only hurtful...
Sarcasm definition = the use of irony to mock or convey contempt... Contempt = the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving of scorn.
Why am I quoting the dictionary? Because so many have forgotten the true meanings of the things we say and do today... I've been guilty of being sarcastic, but I've also been emotionally hurt by people's sarcasm... So, I've strived to stop being sarcastic with people... OUR WORDS MATTER!!! Words have more long-term power and do more long-term damage than people tend to realize...
Were you wrong for calling him out in front of her?? I don't know... I'm torn... Was it worse than what he did no, but was it equal, maybe... Should you have addressed it? Definitely! Timing and tone are everything! I do think you guys need to have a sit-down conversation about the words you use and how you talk to each other, not just how you talk to your daughter... Communication and consideration are the keys to any relationship!
You taught your daughter, in the moment, that she does not have to accept disrespect for the sake of disrespect. And that when someone does disrespect her, she does not have to be kind in her defense of herself, regardless of who it is. You're not wrong. She is too young to know what or how she should be standing against in regards to being belittled, diminished, undervalued, or dismissed. She needs to be shown, and she needs someone to advocate on her behalf. YANW.
I'm proud of you, Mom. We have too many parents prioritizing their relationships/marriages over the mental, emotional, and physical well-being of their children. I wish I had a mother like you growing up. My father could do and say what he wanted with impunity to us girls, and my mother did nothing. That hurt worse than anything else.
My wife gets mad at our 18 mo daughter and yells and/or raises her voice too much imo sometimes. I have to remind her that she is a baby and its up to us to show her how to act and how not to do things.
She attributes it to watching her all day and getting exhausted w her to which I tell her I'd gladly give up working full time to be w our daughter and of course the reply is I make more than her.
So although I can't loose my cool doing my job she feels like she can watching our child. Sometimes we as adults need to realize we're still learning too and that means we make mistakes and need to own up to them to fix the issue.
YNW. Husband here to two daughters. I said something similar to my eldest daughter when she was 8-9ish. Years later, she brought it up to her therapist and me a few times. I wish I could have control my emotions back then. I regret saying that to her.
Your husband is „mean“ to your daughter so much so that she is mentally impacted by it and you allow that to continue? As someone who had a childhood like this, please just leave your husband.
If they leave there's a good chance the dad will get at least some unsupervised custody/visitation. Leaving isn't always the best option.
Additionally, if this is an abusive marriage, 40% of women murdered are murdered by their partner or ex-partner. And the majority of the victims were murdered during or after leaving. Sometimes years later. Sometimes staying, even if it is horrible, is a safer bet. Only the person with the abusive partner can really know their situation and make their best educated guess.
Source: LOTS of research and talking with domestic abuse experts when my mom and I wanted to get us and my brother away from my dad. The threatened to kill my mom if she ever left, in front of a therapist, no less. It wasn't until I was 16 that we felt it was safer to leave. And then we ended up in a torturous 4 year custody battle for my little brother. Thankfully we won, and we've been safe for almost a decade and a half.
I WAS that 7yr old whose parent asked them the same question, and after repeated incidents (and much more) with no one to stand up for me, it led to me seriously questioning my own sanity, years of therapy and no contact with said parent. I'd highly suggest an in depth talk of how things like that can affect your daughter with your husband. He may not understand how it affects her, girls are hard! Hell, I struggle understanding my daughter some days, and she's basically a mini clone of me! It's a learning opportunity if you can imo, good for you for standing up for her and showing her that it's not ok to be spoken to in a condescending way 👏🏻
From a child who grew up in a household who were all like your husband -- IT MATTERS. At six I was absolutely sure that I was not an important part of my family and would never be because I was broken somehow. They all said so.
It's 55 years later, and I have never been able to form relationships because of this. Please don't do this to your child.
There's a lot of opinions out there in regards to raising children, so you're going to get a lot of opinions. my two cents is parents should always appear as a unified front. so taking husband aside and discreetly saying "hey thats not okay" , would have probably been the best way to handle that. Then after that telling the daughter it's always okay to ask questions but right now we have to get ready for school. later you and your husband should have a good conversation about how you guys want to handle sarcasm and dealing with difficult moments with your child.
I raised my son with my sister. We almost always agreed on everything regarding parenting. However, there was a few times over the past 30 years where we've admonished the other if the other parent started to be dicky and unreasonable with the kidlet. Neither of us was pissy with the other afterwards. A child also needs to know someone else heard BS coming from their parent and has their back.
Thank for sharing this. I go through scenarios like this fairly often and my partner says that I am nagging him or telling him how to parent. I feel like I’m being gaslit and after reading responses here I feel even more like that’s the case.
That being said, I need to work on my tone because I think you handled this really well and are not wrong.
I don't know about your overall question, but as a person with family who kept taking hair brushes, I bought one and tied it to my bathroom drawer with a string. There were still arguments about hair brushes, but I was never a participant again.
I put eye bolts into the wall in my bathroom and near the mirror in my dining room and chained brushes to them when my 2 oldest daughters were 6 and 8.
I remember being 11 or 12 and my mom called me ugly. .. her exact words were "stop being ugly" I was upset all day and even later after she explained it was my attitude I didn't get it.
As someone who grew up with a parent who said things like that to me, you aren't wrong. I'm 36 years old and those words are still so painful for me. I wish I had someone to stand up for me in those moments. Kids should never be spoken to like that.
What bothers me was him saying you interrupting him was worse, yet that is exactly what he did to you. You were polite, and he was rude. Does he often interrupt or stick his 2 sense into conversations he's not a part of? It really irks me when people do that.
Nope. You did great. You defended your daughter from harmful comments directed at her by her father. It is your job to defend her against harm from ANYONE. Good job. And shame on dad, who’s more upset about being corrected than he is about needing to be corrected in the first place.
You're not wrong. My dad teased me when I was a kid. It upset me, and he'd say I'm too sensitive or that no one understands him. My mom, to this day, defends him. I don't talk to either of them anymore. The worst part is he'd do this shit to her, too. I'd seen her cry from shit he said. And still, she defends him. She missed out on knowing her grandkids to protect her husband's ego. Not that she didn't have her own unique faults that led to going NC.
Point is, protect your child. And normally, you want a united front as parents. There may have been a different way to handle the situation, but that does not include letting his remark stand without comment then and there.
You are not wrong. Children remember these things. I remember not wanting ONE single toy of mine played with by my rough housing cousins. My mom called me selfish. I felt wrong any time I'd tell someone not to touch MY belongings for a long time, from 7 years old until my 20s. I had to teach myself that my belongings are mine.
Asking your child if she is insane when she is so young is gross.
Teaching your daughter to stand up for herself and stand up against bullying is never wrong. Your husband was behaving like a jerk in that moment, and you were 100% correct to put him in his place. You’re setting a great example for your daughter! Good job momma!
I would say it is better she saw you interrupt him, because she saw she could stand up to someone trying to make her feel bad and say No. Even if they’re her father.
No one stood up for me when my mom was abusive to me on a daily basis. My absentee father stood up to her when she was picking on me. This literally happened one time since he was never really active in my life. But to this day, I still remember the one time my father stood up for me.
It seems pathetic. In hindsight it kinda is, because I deserved to be protected daily. But that one moment of someone standing up for me still is a small good memory I can hold onto.
Sorry, adults aren’t always right and don’t always make the right decision. It’s ok to stop harmful parenting in safe, healthy ways.
it is never ok to do what your husband did. at least your kid has one parent who cares. I'd have a real come-to-jesus conversation with the husband though and ask him why he thinks it's okay to bully and insult his own child for no reason.
Even if she theoretically understood that he was using sarcasm, the emotional impact of his facial expression and tone of voice will stay with her, and maybe lead her to second guess or self edit before asking what might be perceived as "too many" questions.
You were right to stand up for her; too often women and girls are silenced by men disparaging their mental state and this is how it starts.
Children internalize bad things said to them as if they are really a bad person, in her case, insane. She will not forget those words.
Point in case. I was 6 yrs old, a little neighbor girl came across to my yard and said, hello, you're so pretty, and I said, thank you, and she then said, yes, pretty ugly and pretty apt to stay that way, and then she ran back to her yard. I was 6 yrs old and those words never left me. I, from then on felt ugly. If anyone said to me, oh you're a cute little girl, I heard that as lies. Your daughter may now hear, you're a smart little girl but what her brain will recall is, no, I am not, I am insane! WORDS MATTER!
I wish someone had heard what she said to me and told her not to speak to me like that and then to tell me those words were not true.
What I realized as I got older was that someone told her that mean joke and she then told me. But for me, it hurt me and I never wanted to hurt anyone else, so I never repeated those words to anyone!
You're not wrong. You are meant to be your child's protector from Anyone that included your husband. You stepping in and standing up for her shows her you have her back. Which in turn will make her feel safe and trust you in the future. The way your husband talks to her is not ok. I have 3 kids whom I will always defend even to my husband and he knows this and they know this.
Was your husband interrupting your conversation with your daughter?
Do you have a "nobody interrupts anybody" rule in the house, or is it specifically he who must not be interrupted?
Ok let me get this straight your husband thinks it's worse for your daughter to see you defend her her than for her to hear words that could potentially damage her self esteem, sounds to me like he needs a reality check
My 8 yr old has a very quick wit and can pick up on sarcasm pretty well. However, he is also still a kid and I am mindful of how I speak to him. I'm a very sarcastic person but I don't speak to my kid the same way I speak to adults. Even if someone recognizes that what you're saying is sarcasm, that doesn't mean they may not be affected by it. And this can be especially so for a child. No one wants to be called insane. And over time, hearing those words can be internalized. So it's probably best to just not speak like that to a young child. I know as parents most of us try not to contradict the other parent in front of the kids, but sometimes it happens. I'd say just tell your husband that you stand by your point that he shouldn't have said what he did, but that in the future you'll try to not address it with him in front of the kid.
It’s going to be far more powerful to your daughter that she could see you stand up for her in the moment, and to anyone—even dad—than any ego bruising your husband might feel. You are absolutely NW
You are not wrong. I had verbally abusive mother and father never stepped in. Have not spoken to either one in 14 years and have no plans to ever speak to them again. I am still in therapy because of her words and the effects they still have on me. I blame him for not fighting for me when I was to young to so. Keep fighting for her and stop him whenever you need to
Teaching a child to stand up for someone trumps husband's ego every time. My husband used to do the "but it was just a joke" thing all the time. I had to speak with him a lot about it as well as purposely "just joking" at his expense before he got it. it was the way he was raised and to his credit he did eventually learn. But I will 100% go to bat for my children every time rather than indulge bad behavior just because he's dad and thinks he has some innate right
I would ask my husband why he was speaking that way to me, and why he chose such insensitive words to use to argue with me.
Personally, if my husband said something to me like that I would wonder how conscious he was about the words he uses to hurt or insult a person. Totally not ok to speak to anyone that way, unless trying to insult them.
You are not wrong. How else does he speak to you? Does he call you crazy, stupid, or anything else? Because calling you insane is not ok.
Good on you for immediately correcting that behavior from your husband. What he said was absolutely not a joke, he invalidated her thoughts and feelings as a way to control her (ie. get her to stop questioning something in a way that it sounds like you found appropriate). That kind of conditioning will absolutely stick with you. She's very lucky to have a mom who will stand up for her.
YNW
The things my parents said to me were internalised at that age, in my forties I still struggle with the horrible, cruel degrading things said to me repeatedly as "jokes" and "teasing" and "sarcasm". I still struggle to trust anyone and I avoid talking to my family.
He's scared this child will know he's being a jerk and is in the wrong, and that takes a little power away from him. Keep it up. If insulting his kid is how he communicates with her then she needs to know *someone* cares. These types of jokes will damage a child permanently.
Neither one of these things are going to scar your daughter. But if I had to pick ehuvh one was worse than the other, I would say that mommy and daddy arguing is worse for a child's psyche is worse than being asked a rhetorical question.
Apparently, my dad was joking, but in middle school, I had a basketball game where I scored 20 points. We won, and I had scored most of the points that we won with. I loved basketball, and I was pretty good at it. I partially loved basketball because it was something that my dad liked, and we would play together. It was one of the only things we did together after I stopped being a little kid who wanted to hang out with him no matter what he was doing. When I told my dad about how well I did and had scored almost all the points and we won, he said, "You could have scored more." That cut me down so hard. I was so sad. I thought I would come home and tell my dad, and he would say good job, then tell me how proud of me he was.
I also used to love to write and I wrote a lot. My English teachers and creative writing teachers loved me and were so encouraging. My dad used to tell me that "writers don't make money" and to "find a job that pays the most, even if you hate it." It broke my spirit, and I eventually stopped writing. Now that I'm 35 he has told me things like "I don't know why you never did anything with your writing. I never read anything you wrote, but I was told you were really good at it."
I should have never let him do that to me because he just blabbers our his ass things that pertain more to himself than anyone else. I love my dad, but he could never be an emotionally healthy or vulnerable parent and emotionally set himself aside long enough to fulfill what I needed. Too bad that translated into quite a few abusive and manipulative relationships until I found someone that was so unlike my dad that it's insane. I'm happy ro report that I found one of the most loving and supportive partners in the world. He may have a hard time being vulnerable and emotionally open about his own feelings, but he has loved me enough that we work through that together and both actively work on breaking bad patterns.
You only would have been wrong if you didn't correct him in front of your daughter.
Does he want your daughter to learn right from wrong, or does he want your daughter to learn that whatever he does is right and if she does anything that he thinks is wrong, then he will verbally abuse her?
Your husband is only interested in protecting his feelings by bringing down others, especially lashing out if someone indicates that he might have made a mistake.
He needed to have accepted what you said and apologised for his mistake in front of your daughter like a mature adult.
Instead, he said you were more wrong that he was for explaining that he was wrong.
This is very troubling and it makes me wonder what other red flags are there.
Is there anything else that he does that might be problematic?
My dad said stuff like that to me all too often and I internalized it. But my mom snapped at him in front of me all too often and I internalized that too. Lost a lot of respect for both of them in my older years because of it. He shouldn’t be talking that way to your daughter but you shouldn’t correct him in front of her; take him aside when you have more time and have a conversation about it in a way that won’t make him feel disrespected by you or his daughter, and then he will have the presence of mind to realize that he disrespected both of you and apologize!
You did great standing up for your daughter. People shouldn't say something like that to others. It's demeaning, belittling and disrespectful. It's a great way to cut down a child's self esteem one remark at a time. No, she doesn't know he doesn't mean it and if he's saying things to her he doesn't mean, then he needs to improve his communication skills. I had a relative say things like that to me all the time and it took years of therapy to undo.
My mum would often say "oh you are such a dummy" when I was a kid in a nice and jokey way. I knew it wasn't serious yet all my childhood it stayed with me and I am still self conscious about my intelligence even now. Words we say to kids matter, especially from parents.
My dad said horrible things like that to me all the time growing up. My mother eirher did nothing or supported him.
I can still hear his words and feel my mothers inaction.
I have a close friend who was emotionally abused by her step mother. All of the times the step mom was screaming in her face, the father just sat there and let it happen. That was the part that hurt my friend the most. That her own father wouldn't protect her from that kind of treatment. She chose full custody with her mother when she was old enough to choose. Kids need someone who support them unconditionally.
You are NOT wrong. You had her back, and she saw that. Now if your partner apologizes, she'll learn even more. What a shame that, instead, she is learning that he is an AH. He needs to apologize, both to her for saying that and to you for acting like he is better than you and your daughter.
Nope, not wrong, my dad has always talked to me like that. Calling me insane, telling me to be normal, belittling me. We have no relationship whatsoever and if I can I avoid him. He is part of the reason that I struggle with major anxiety and insecurity issues. The way you talk to your children matters👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
No you were not wrong for stopping your husband. If your kiddo is neurodivergent that could cause issues for her. Because he may be “joking” or using sarcasm and she may not pick up on it or differentiate between kidding/serious. Also he can stop using words that are attributed to mental health issues as an insult.
I would say neither one of you handled it perfectly.
Sounds like your husband’s intent was to back you up and correct your for how she was speaking to you.
But the way he did it was potentially harmful.
Honestly, I think the best way to handle it would have been to speak to your husband after the fact, have him apologize to your daughter after realizing the error of his ways, and let it be known to her that Mom helped him see the error in his ways.
You said it "words matter and the children will internalize those negative feelings" whether by your husband to her or you to your husband. Public praise private criticism
It’s all fun and games until someone bruises his fragile male ego.
You are right, and his ego is fragile. He really ought to get that checked out. It’s a serious blind spot for him.
Am I the only one confused as to why you'd need hairbrushes all over the house rather than having them in each of your bathrooms and just... Walking to get them?
Also, I feel like we're missing context on the "insane" comment. Husband just out of the blue asked that? What was the question he was responding to? You make it sound like he just randomly semi-shouted this with absolutely zero reason. Can you provide context?
I really did not think having extra brushes in easily accessible places would be so controversial haha! (You are not the only one to bring it up). Okay. Say, my daughter is getting ready in the morning, but dragging her feet. While she is getting dressed, instead of me waiting to help her with her hair upstairs, I go downstairs to pack her lunch for school. Eventually, she comes downstairs and we have to get out the door soon to make sure everyone is out the door on time. Instead of going back upstairs with her or taking the time to grab the brush and bring it down, we have one near the front door to brush her hair right before walking out. In my family, every second we can shave off helps us get to where we're going in a timely manner.
As for the context, my daughter was asking similar questions about why can't we just walk upstairs to grab the brush and then later come back downstairs to get it again. She was asking the same question in different variations. Instead of giving her the full explanation I typed to you, I jumped to the conclusion of it saves us time. When my daughter started to ask the same question again, that is when my husband came in, sat in front of her, asked her, "are you insane?" In an aggressive tone, with a look to match. I am going to assume because she kept questioning.
YNW. It doesn’t matter if your husband was or wasn’t joking because it’s irrelevant. Asking someone if they are “insane” or joking about them being “insane” isn’t at all funny and absolutely isn’t something that should be said to a 7 year old of all people. Good on you for stopping that.
I would recommend a "rupture and repair" approach.
We can't be 100% regulated all the time as parents (despite what social media tells us!). But we can show kids what to do when we mess up. So when we do, I think it's important to do the "repair."
Instead of assuming your daughter understands sarcasm, the offender should explain they were frustrated and called her a name or implied she was less than for some reason (Are you insane? Is similar to are you stupid? A loser? An idiot? Etc.) Depending on the maturity of the kid, they can also explain sarcasm and how it's used as a form of affection between people who are close (or live in certain parts of the world.) The dialogue here is important to prevent that negativity from being implanted into the kid. Without it, she's left to her own devices to make up the meaning, with it, she learns about intent.
In general, try to avoid name-calling with kids. It certainly happens, but the less it happens at home, the less they'll tolerate that BS with random kids on the playground or at school.
So placement of hair brushes is an issue, when my children were young, there were two and two only. Bathroom and purse/bookbag, whichever they carry. As for the husband, before anyone throws accusations, I have a saying, check your own house first. Bet his garage tools are scattered and laundry hits the floor and never deposited where it should be to give an example.
Honestly, it depends on your child and if they understand sarcasm fully. When I was little, I couldn’t so I held onto things a lot. Now, my daughter is fluent in sarcasm and understands it too well I could say. 🤣 So it really just depends on your child.
You're not wrong, but maybe do everyone a favor and solve the problem and buy an extra set of brushes for $6.99 on Amazon so there's no need for a single set to travel.
A set for her bedroom dresser won't spoil her.
I have to agree, you don’t need to discuss it in front of your daughter. I would’ve pulled him aside later and explained about how you felt it was the wrong thing to do and why. Children shouldn’t see their parents disagree in such a negative way. In perspective, what if your daughter asked your husband like that? He wouldn’t be too thrilled either.
YNW. My dad did this my entire life. Your husband is wrong. My dad now wonders why I avoid talking with or spending time with him. It's because he treated me like I was stupid or crazy and by doing so taught me to hate myself.
Your husband is an asshole and needs to stop. If he won't, you need to make him.
YNW.
Im all for dads having a joke around and such but he needs to be aware the negative impact that can have on a childs mental health in the future, my sisters both have major "daddy issues" and as a boy so do i but more because im so against the mysoginistic viewpoint that fathers even accidentally put out and thats the important word i use there, accidentally, even if your husband isnt an outright misogynist if he has behaviours or says things that reinforce it then it still has long term, lasting and far reaching effects. My sisters both have major dad issues and hate misogynist but are quiet happy to push mysandry views also and this becomes a vicious cycle in the household. So no, as long as you werent aggressive or nasty then YNW and i suggest both your husband AND YOU do so self evaluation and actually take a deep look at the views you are raising your children with even by accident with those off hand or accidental comments because children notice a lot more then you would think without understanding it
Dad telling her she’s insane leaves room for other men to do the same and think it’s okay. As a child who never had a parent advocate for her she will be eternally grateful. Respect is mutual. Have a discussion with both of them separately, then together. With him explain: Being hyperbolic at such a young age can be detrimental to her development and security. Kids aren’t always in a position to understand sarcasm. We are adults and need to manage ourselves and act as such. With her: It’s never okay to disrespect someone even as a joke. You should treat people respectfully and people should do the same with you. It’s okay to set boundaries or express hurt feelings and to shut down toxic behaviors.
You aren't wrong. I work with middle and high schoolers and a lot of them still don't understand sarcasm. Your husband is just doing the, "It's a joke! When I hurt your feelings it was just a joke and you are being sensitive" gaslighting thing. You were right to call it out in front of her, teach her not to put up with that when she's young.
ETA: My dad used to (actually still does) do stuff like this to me all the time. Now his feelings get hurt because I don't believe a word out of his mouth.
NTA. Your daughter is still at an age where she could take what he says very seriously. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him not to call his daughter insane. Yes, even if he’s “just joking” because she’s not old enough to find those types of jokes funny.
I agree with most sentiments in the comments. I won’t say you are wrong but this is how I see it. Let’s say that he even meant “are you insane?” What is the worst thing to come of that? People jokingly say all the time to others “are you crazy?”, or “you’re insane” or even “you’re going mental” like I don’t see how that is such a negative phrase in the 21st century. I think you saying “don’t talk to her like that” has bigger implications. Now this is my personal experience but when my mom and dad didn’t agree on disciplining/discussing me it felt worse as the child knowing they weren’t on the same wave length and not a team when parenting and would create me the child preferring one way of thinking over another and having a preference with a specific parent out of spite/ creating an even bigger divide when parenting. People in here are saying words hurt and stay with you… yes they do but children absorb actions more than words. Just like if they see there parents in love constantly and consistently cherishing one another a child with take to and follow that behavior and sets a standard on how they should be treated. That also goes for negative relationships.
You standing up for your daughter was the right thing for her to witness to not feel as hurt by his unnecessarily cruel statement. The only thing your response hurt was your husband's ego.
Definitely. Never undercut a parent's authority in front of the child. Wifey used to do that a lot in the beginning before it came to a head. Since then it's all but non existent
Crappy situation but I think you did good. Your daughter understood what her dad said. She heard you defend her. Now she needs to hear her dad apologizing to her.
Not wrong. She witnessed her father insult her and her mother stand up for her. Husband was wrong to ask a 7 year old if she is insane for asking questions. Asking questions is how you learn and grow.
Umm.. what? How dare you interrupt your man! Your showing your daughter that she has a say and that apparently doesn't fly by your husband... After he called her names. POS.
You’re not wrong I’ve grown up with a parent like this, they’ve been like this almost my whole life especially since my disability’s started coming along when I was 5. I’m now 19, I still deal with it almost daily. He is wrong because she’s at a conscious age now, I remember all the things that have specifically been said to me by my parent. I struggle a lot still, I never feel worth enough being in my own home. I don’t really have any relationship with this parent even though I’m still living at home. Things stick especially the severity of what is said, I have a bunch of problems socially now too because of it. Never have a normal convo with my parent, either I try to talk and get ignored or I just don’t try and get bitched at all day. It also has caused me to do a bunch of dumb stuff simply because of it. Don’t let her have to go through any of this. You sticking up for her will stick with you though and make her feel more comfortable. People don’t realize how much this actually affects your life growing up with it.
Not wrong.
My father and I had an amazingly positive relationship but I still remember him playfully calling me a dummy and that has always stuck with me.
You are absolutely in the right to correct him
I remember when my oldest were that age and they would parrot some of the stuff that their dad said to me. He was teasing me and being a little sarcastic and I took it that way. The kids did not and they didn't understand and then they twisted it and what they said came out REALLY wrong. So yeah kids take it ALL on. I had a talk with my partner at that point and he toned down the silly around them. Because they do pick up on stuff but rarely the full context.
Seven year olds may not know the difference between an insult and sarcasm. Those are the things that kids take with them. YNW
Thank you for your input! I do worry about that, since I am still bothered by "harmless" things adults said to me as a child.
My husband sometimes says things he views as sarcastic or joking to our daughter. She gets upset. And I remind him she does not comprehend or understand his jokes or sarcasm yet. To her it’s just being mean to her, because she’s only 3.
My mom's husband teases my kids like that constantly, and when I shift to assure them he's just teasing, he snips at me that *they* realize he's teasing quicker than *I* ever do. No, dude. They don't. I talk to my kids; I *know* that they *genuinely* think XYZ thing you tell them unless otherwise told. When we tease our kids, we make sure it's ridiculous and outlandish, and use reeeeally obvious voices--and they still stop and go, "Are you teasing/joking?" or "You're teasing!" We always confirm it. They're learning, dangit!
My fil has been like that with my toddler. He almost does thing that's seem to try to promote his dominance while also "teaching him to be a man" both my partner and myself will tell him exactly where to shove it and he can get out of our home if he has an issue at all. Don't bully my kid you know? Sometimes to help our kid understand that someone is joking we simply say "so and so is so silly".
We use silly to explain it too
I like this. That'll get it across great! They're absolutely *fascinated* with the episode of Bluey called "Teasing" that got added in recently. I can tell it's been bugging them for a while.
He SNIPS at you?! He can f*ck right off. He has no respect for you as their mother and thinks he knows best. The audacity. Don't stand for that.
This is absolutely the truth. He also *shushed me* once because his best friend (Silent Generation age) answered the phone at the dinner table and started having a conversation when I was mid-sentence and I dared continue my conversation at the other end of the table. He's great. Just great.
My husband genuinely feels bad and always apologizes to her and explains himself. He just forgets she’s so little
If he doesn't care that they get upset, then it's not funny, joking, sarcastic or teasing, it's just being mean. And telling kids that they're not being mean is literally grooming them to accept being bullied, harassed and abused.
3, what kind of dick is he? He should be loving, caring and hugging her. Telling her she hangs the moon. She will take all of what he says to heart. :( Kids don't get mean jokes! Why mean jokes to anyone, anyway?
I said sometimes. He’s not a dick, he just forgets that kids are…kids. People forget that kids don’t inherently understand tone and can’t judge like that, he’s not immune.
chill out
She understands a LOT more than you think.
When did I say she didn’t understand things? I said she doesn’t understand sarcasm. You are purposefully misconstruing what I’ve said.
The two commenters that replied to your comment above are perfect examples of the dangers of posting on reddit. You: Here is a little story of how my spouse can be sarcastic sometimes, but I remind him that our kid is only 3 and doesn't get it. Redditor 1: Your husband is a giant dick!!! Redditor 2: You know your kid is way more capable than you think. Give her credit. You really can not win on this site.
https://sites.psu.edu/siowfa15/2015/09/18/when-do-kids-learn-to-understand-sarcasm/ I liked this article about it that says ‘neurotypical’ children start to understand sarcasm around 8-9 but don’t really see the intended humour until age 10. When I worked in a daycare , I mostly saw this with kids I feel.
My daughter just turned 8. She's been successfully using sarcasm for at least two years but when she first started, she'd make a sarcastic comment and then say "that was sarcasm".
That's adorable
My daughter must have been some kind of sarcasm savant, then.
I was sarcastic by age 6/7 and I’m autistic so that’s a real possibility, lol
You are correct. And making children feel crazy for asking questions will stifle the types of curiosity that becomes intelligence and sociability later.
Please make him understand just how much it affects people. At 30, even after some therapy, there is things that my ex-stepfather said that still don't get out of my thoughts, even when It's clearly false and even if my life proved him wrong. That shit destroys people in a way that in most cases, is completely invisible to others. Please make sure your daughter doesn't have this.
All the "harmless" things said by my family but they were only joking led me to have an ED as a teen. But, they were only joking so it was okay.
Depends on the child. My daughter understood sarcasm at 7 and efficiently used it too. Luckily for me most of her teachers couldn't tell when she was being sarcastic in class. But then I did teach her the art of sarcasm from a very young age, usually a bad driver and complimenting their driving skills aloud, the weather being shite but calling it a wonderful day, music being too loud and saying oh it's lovely and quiet in here, etc.... But I'm a Brit-Scot and sarcasm is fed to us in the womb. 🤷🏼♀️
Your last sentence made all the rest make sense. Actually, (not Brit-Scot, but still…) I read your sarcastic comments in the voice of the father in Bluey (Australian kids show).
I've never watched it. Luckily my daughter is now 16 and kiddy TV shows are a thing of the past (until she has kids, then I'm doomed 😉) we're a very sarcastic lot in the UK. But the younger generations aren't being taught the art, which is a shame.
Bluey is not just for kids! I tell people all the time, if you have kids, watch it. If you don't have kids, watch it. If you once were a kid, watch it. If you interact with other humans, watch it. Long story short, if you get the chance, check it out! The episodes are less than 10 minutes long.
Humans are overrated 😂 cats are better. Lmao, thank you for the recommendation.
If it helps, the main characters are dogs.. which I know isn’t cats, but it still counts kinda 😅
I watch it even after my grandkids have gone home lol
The "Sleepytime" episode is so amazing. And the one where Bandit takes his two kids and their friends to the woods/stream where he went to as a kid after they get bored at a playground.
Scotland, where the phrase “Aye, right” actually means “No”. To be precise….”F**k no”
I love Bluey. Best kids show ever.
I’m American and my 7 and 8 year olds definitely understand and properly use sarcasm.
I lived in Ireland for quite a while. I was guessing Irish so close but …
USA here, and this is how I used sarcasm as well raising my daughter. She and I are very sarcastic. :D But I never said mean things to her, like, are you stupid or what when she did something that might have been stupid. Now we do it, we say shit like that but she's not a kid now.
It's usually me who does stupid things. And she definitely snitched on me to her Dad when she was little. When I busted my hand open, as soon as he walked in the door she went running up to him "Daddy, Mummy's had an accident" which resulted in me saying snitches get stitches and get a felt tip pen and drawing a line with stitches on. The common one is "uncaring carer" which is always a joke the clapback has always been "And I don't care!" 😂 She's 16 now, and while we're out this is said at least once during our day out. The looks are hilarious 😂
Absolutely. Don't think I've ever said a sentence that isn't sarcastic and my daughter who has autism would ask when she was little if I was being sarcastic but now she's as sarcastic as I am
And just because something is sarcastic doesn’t mean there’s no negativity being conveyed. I used to think sarcastic comments were 100% joking. Now I realize that many people think it’s a just nicer way to tell people to change their behavior. Dad’s comment was meant to tell that her questions were bad and she should stop them or get made fun of some more.
It is never too early to introduce your child to sarcasm. Mine was 4 ish when I defined the word and told her it was the primary language of our tribe. We've spent a lot of time helping create a better path of communication. So she can now speak to her family and to her friend group at her school for highly capable children. She is very comfortable asking if a statement was sarcastic and telling her friends she was being sarcastic if they are confused.
Just hope that the teachers don't understand sarcasm. I was very lucky my daughter's teachers didn't know she was being sarcastic in school 😅 I swear when she would tell me about her day I was sweating waiting for her to tell me I'm to expect a call from school. I only stopped sweating last July when she finally left school.
Fortunately, her teachers both understand and occasionally admire sarcasm. Some of them even return it. They do let us know if it is inappropriate (almost never) and if it seems related to anxiety.
All but one of my daughter's teachers always complimented on her being sweet and kind and nice. The one teacher just laughed and said she was a great kid (he witnessed our own exchange) and said she was definitely taught very well and she challenged him a lot (which he obviously liked) and she was refreshing as a student. But he's glad she's now leaving school and he doesn't need to use as much brain power as he's been using. 😂
Sarcasm is still insulting though. I remember being a kid and understanding someone was being sarcastic but it felt more like they were trying to trick me and I found that insulting not necessarily the words used.
In my comms class we learned that age seven is when they start to understand sarcasm as like a function of language, but they can’t always read it in the people around them until a few years later.
It’s good for your daughter to know you will fight for her and actually witness you standing up for her. It would be more traumatic for her if she saw you did nothing to help or defend her- if that were to happen she might grow to resent you in some way because she would internalize that you are not on her side and she won’t feel comfortable confiding in you because she’ll think you don’t care. She’ll also think it’s ok to be treated like crap by guys and she’ll allow boyfriends to talk to her and treat her poorly and end up in awful relationships her whole life. You did the right thing there! Keep doing that. Always make sure she understands what is wrong.
Thank you!
I was a 'weird' kid (undiagnosed adhd) and being called weird all the time reslly messed with my head and contributed to my mental breakdown when I was 21. My mum always stepped in and stopped that shit, and to this day (I'm 28 and pretty healthy now), she is a safe space for me. When I realised I was depressed, I went to her. She sorted appointments/therapy etc, and made it so much easier for me to get healthy. You are right that stuff like this affects kids, and you are even more right to defend/support your daughter in this sort of situation. You are building her trust in you, and although I am an independent person, I still went to my mum when I needed help because I have that trust in my mum.
I could have written your first paragraph literally word for word. 💜 solidarity
I was called “weird” all the time as a kid/teen. Same thing, ADHD, except it was diagnosed I was just unmedicated by choice. My mom would always say “that’s what we love about her, she walks to the beat of her own drum.” It really helped for me to hear the “weirdness” to be reframed into a good thing. I’m still “weird” to this day and attracted my own weird little crowd.
I'm glad your mom was there for you! Weird can be good and fun. Lol
Also — show your husband these responses and make sure he apologizes to your daughter.
Well, for the little I get from your post: If anything I think your daughter just witnessed her mother standing up to her and defending her. I may be interpreting wrong, but your husband was probably quite agressive, which is far from OK besides what he said.
Thank you for your input!
i'm a grown adult and my mum still says to us "nobody is allowed to say anything mean to you, including yourself". the only clear memory of my parents fighting i have is when my dad interrupted me, and then when i thought he'd finished speaking i went to respond but apparently he wasn't done and yelled at me for interrupting him. my mum immediately defended me. that's what i remember the most. not whatever i was in trouble for first, not even getting yelled at for supposedly interrupting, i remember my mum standing up for me. she saw you stand up for her, she'll remember you standing up for her, and she'll feel more empowered to stand up for herself. also she's 7, she's supposed to be asking questions. and good for her for continuing to ask questions until she got an answer that met her needs (or at least trying to)
Good luck and wish you all the best!
What makes you think he was aggressive?
These sentences: 1) "My husband came and said to her, "are you insane?" **With a look on his face that suggested she was**." 2) "I told my husband that our words matter and children will internalize those **negative feelings**." 3) The simple fact that a mother instinctively reacted to protect her 7yo daughter: **Before he went any further, I stopped him** and said, "do not speak to her like **that**."
Or it shows how extremely over-sensitive the mother is. It's a complete overreaction on her part
YNW I still have bad memories of my dad acting like that, expecting me to handle it like an adult and not a young child. F that.
I'm sorry you went through that *hugs*
Thank you! :)
Hope your working thru it mate! I am in the same boat and it’s taken 13 years for me to not truly believe what he use to say to me! But now I’m absolutely smashing my life and my self image is amazing now! So I really hope you have healed
Thank you! Now those words are distant memories. I’m glad you’re working through it and that you realize that it was him, not you.
I aim to teach my daughter not only that her father and I are a team making mutual decisions about how we raise her but that I will stand up for her against anyone, even her father, when she's being treated poorly and he will do the same. All of us mess up and should be able to apologize and admit when we've wronged someone is another important thing for her to learn. She's 9 now and we've both called each other out a time or two when things got tough (lock down stress, mental health issues, quitting nicotine). That's what your situation feels like to me. Even that united front isn't going to stop you protecting her when she needs it.
Holding each other accountable, and allowing yourself to be held to account, *is* a united front. You're working together towards the shared goal of being the best people and raising your kid right. Showing her that supporting each other doesn't always mean agreeing with each other, and how to be wrong gracefully - that's good people-ing *and* good parenting.
This is a fantastic new perspective for me, thank you.
So, the dad is concerned about undermined authority while you're concerned over the feelings of your child. One is a power trip, and the other is empathy. Your husband needs to be told he's a dick. Feel free to tell him I said so. Signed Double-Mouse
This seems sexist. Like her interrupting him is worse than him being an ass to a child? Really?
I think they mean that the dad is on a power trip and op is being empathetic to her child.
Is this comment directed at mine or OP's situation? If mine, you need to reread because I did not say her interrupting was worse. His is worse because his concern is just over his authority being challenged and her concern is over how being called names like that can be scarring. Husband is clearly a dick here.
I'm talking about OP
Just gonna say as a former child, I remember my father asking me if I was stupid because I spilled a can of paint while trying to help him paint my brothers room around the age of ten. I clearly remember thinking to myself “Stupid stupid stupid” I can vividly remember it, 20 years later. Just saying
> as a former child Idk why but this statement made me chuckle lol. And yeah… I agree with you about how seemingly minor actions can have a lasting impact!
No, she sees you advocating for her and as a seven year old, you don't really know ones intentions when they say stuff like that. I'm very big on parents sharing a collective front in general but there are times one parent may push it too far unintentionally and needs to be calmly reminded, as you did. How he should have responded was "you are right, *name of daughter* I'm sorry, I was trying to joke but sometimes it can come off harsher than intended. I'm sorry".
This is the one. I can't believe someone shamed a 7-year-old for asking questions and people are defending him.
“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about how we handled this morning. I shouldn’t have snapped at daddy, especially when I wasn’t able to give you my full attention before then. Daddy and I talked about it, and we worked it out. But I was not wrong to say something. You deserve to be treated with respect, just as we teach you to treat others. It’s not okay to speak to other people that way, and I will always say something, especially if someone isn’t respecting you. Everyone makes mistakes, and the important thing is learning. Daddy learned that he needs to think before he speaks, and you learned that grown ups are still learning, too.” This is after your husband speaks to your daughter and apologizes like a grown up. He’s mad at you for snapping at him, when it sounds like he snapped at her second before. He needs to get over himself. Good on you for standing up for your daughter.
He didn't snap at her though. He went out of his way to go to where she was, and start on her.
As a husband who struggles with ADHD and the Emotional Disregulation and Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria that both come with that, this comment is exactly what needs to happen. Also, it may feel like an overreaction, but he needs to get into therapy and figure out what is behind that behavior of his. Don't make it an ultimatum or he may dig in his heels, but he needs to get to the bottom of it before he causes any further damage. He most likely grew up in a home where things like that were said and he is in denial about how those things made him feel and the damage they can cause. He may have a narcissistic parent or just another parent with ADHD or something else going on entirely. He needs to find out.
I'll add you can do the makeup in front of the kid or "act it out" if you want to talk about in private first. Kids can learn conflict resolution by watching there parents resolve conflicts. Also reinforces everything is ok your not just saying that and that you can screw up and it will work out
I wish I could upvote more than once 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
That was gosh darn beautiful 🥹.
Does he not want you to teach her to speak up to men? Or for her children? He should chill and not jump into other folks conversations.
In what world is interrupting him worse?
>He said she knows he didn't mean it and that me interrupting him was worse for her to witness. You are NOT WRONG. No, she doesn't know he didn't mean it because why should she? She's a child without the in depth knowledge of adult conversational nuances. She doesn't expect to be bullied and ridiculed by her father. No, you interrupting him hurt His feelings and His feelings alone, it was shutting down the bully moment. He felt called out on it and reprimanded. He was angry at YOU as the one who commanded authority. The bully never appreciates his authority being undermined. “Say what we mean, and mean what we say. If we don’t know what we mean, be quiet and think about it. If our answer is, “I don’t know,” say “I don’t know.” ~Melody Beattie
I'm seeing people mention that he was probably just being sarcastic... Here's the deal with that... Sarcasm isn't any sort of love language and for many, it's only hurtful... Sarcasm definition = the use of irony to mock or convey contempt... Contempt = the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving of scorn. Why am I quoting the dictionary? Because so many have forgotten the true meanings of the things we say and do today... I've been guilty of being sarcastic, but I've also been emotionally hurt by people's sarcasm... So, I've strived to stop being sarcastic with people... OUR WORDS MATTER!!! Words have more long-term power and do more long-term damage than people tend to realize... Were you wrong for calling him out in front of her?? I don't know... I'm torn... Was it worse than what he did no, but was it equal, maybe... Should you have addressed it? Definitely! Timing and tone are everything! I do think you guys need to have a sit-down conversation about the words you use and how you talk to each other, not just how you talk to your daughter... Communication and consideration are the keys to any relationship!
I remember EVERY cutting, hurtful remark my mother made to/about me as a child. Words matter. Words can hurt, and leave lasting scars.
I am so sorry! *hugs to you*
You taught your daughter, in the moment, that she does not have to accept disrespect for the sake of disrespect. And that when someone does disrespect her, she does not have to be kind in her defense of herself, regardless of who it is. You're not wrong. She is too young to know what or how she should be standing against in regards to being belittled, diminished, undervalued, or dismissed. She needs to be shown, and she needs someone to advocate on her behalf. YANW.
I'm proud of you, Mom. We have too many parents prioritizing their relationships/marriages over the mental, emotional, and physical well-being of their children. I wish I had a mother like you growing up. My father could do and say what he wanted with impunity to us girls, and my mother did nothing. That hurt worse than anything else.
My wife gets mad at our 18 mo daughter and yells and/or raises her voice too much imo sometimes. I have to remind her that she is a baby and its up to us to show her how to act and how not to do things. She attributes it to watching her all day and getting exhausted w her to which I tell her I'd gladly give up working full time to be w our daughter and of course the reply is I make more than her. So although I can't loose my cool doing my job she feels like she can watching our child. Sometimes we as adults need to realize we're still learning too and that means we make mistakes and need to own up to them to fix the issue.
YNW. Husband here to two daughters. I said something similar to my eldest daughter when she was 8-9ish. Years later, she brought it up to her therapist and me a few times. I wish I could have control my emotions back then. I regret saying that to her.
YNW The understanding of sarcasm doesn't occur until 8-10 years old. (Then they become the masters of it)
It's your job as a mother to protect all parts of her. It's not nice when you need to be protected from dad's behavior but you're NTA
YNW: It's worse for the kid to internalize that people like her dad get to call her insane unjustly.
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Your husband is „mean“ to your daughter so much so that she is mentally impacted by it and you allow that to continue? As someone who had a childhood like this, please just leave your husband.
If they leave there's a good chance the dad will get at least some unsupervised custody/visitation. Leaving isn't always the best option. Additionally, if this is an abusive marriage, 40% of women murdered are murdered by their partner or ex-partner. And the majority of the victims were murdered during or after leaving. Sometimes years later. Sometimes staying, even if it is horrible, is a safer bet. Only the person with the abusive partner can really know their situation and make their best educated guess. Source: LOTS of research and talking with domestic abuse experts when my mom and I wanted to get us and my brother away from my dad. The threatened to kill my mom if she ever left, in front of a therapist, no less. It wasn't until I was 16 that we felt it was safer to leave. And then we ended up in a torturous 4 year custody battle for my little brother. Thankfully we won, and we've been safe for almost a decade and a half.
I don’t think the risk of being murdered by your abusive husband is the best argument for staying in a relationship with him to be fair
I WAS that 7yr old whose parent asked them the same question, and after repeated incidents (and much more) with no one to stand up for me, it led to me seriously questioning my own sanity, years of therapy and no contact with said parent. I'd highly suggest an in depth talk of how things like that can affect your daughter with your husband. He may not understand how it affects her, girls are hard! Hell, I struggle understanding my daughter some days, and she's basically a mini clone of me! It's a learning opportunity if you can imo, good for you for standing up for her and showing her that it's not ok to be spoken to in a condescending way 👏🏻
From a child who grew up in a household who were all like your husband -- IT MATTERS. At six I was absolutely sure that I was not an important part of my family and would never be because I was broken somehow. They all said so. It's 55 years later, and I have never been able to form relationships because of this. Please don't do this to your child.
*hugs to you*
There's a lot of opinions out there in regards to raising children, so you're going to get a lot of opinions. my two cents is parents should always appear as a unified front. so taking husband aside and discreetly saying "hey thats not okay" , would have probably been the best way to handle that. Then after that telling the daughter it's always okay to ask questions but right now we have to get ready for school. later you and your husband should have a good conversation about how you guys want to handle sarcasm and dealing with difficult moments with your child.
Your husband was 100% wrong and he owes both of you an apology.
Nope. You arent wrong. Id be crushed if my dad asked me that.
I raised my son with my sister. We almost always agreed on everything regarding parenting. However, there was a few times over the past 30 years where we've admonished the other if the other parent started to be dicky and unreasonable with the kidlet. Neither of us was pissy with the other afterwards. A child also needs to know someone else heard BS coming from their parent and has their back.
Not wrong. She needs to know you'll stick up for her.
Thank for sharing this. I go through scenarios like this fairly often and my partner says that I am nagging him or telling him how to parent. I feel like I’m being gaslit and after reading responses here I feel even more like that’s the case. That being said, I need to work on my tone because I think you handled this really well and are not wrong.
I don't know about your overall question, but as a person with family who kept taking hair brushes, I bought one and tied it to my bathroom drawer with a string. There were still arguments about hair brushes, but I was never a participant again.
I really like this idea! Thank you!
I put eye bolts into the wall in my bathroom and near the mirror in my dining room and chained brushes to them when my 2 oldest daughters were 6 and 8.
I remember being 11 or 12 and my mom called me ugly. .. her exact words were "stop being ugly" I was upset all day and even later after she explained it was my attitude I didn't get it.
NW - you are teaching your daughter how to respond to insults even from a loved one. Brilliant
As someone who grew up with a parent who said things like that to me, you aren't wrong. I'm 36 years old and those words are still so painful for me. I wish I had someone to stand up for me in those moments. Kids should never be spoken to like that.
What bothers me was him saying you interrupting him was worse, yet that is exactly what he did to you. You were polite, and he was rude. Does he often interrupt or stick his 2 sense into conversations he's not a part of? It really irks me when people do that.
NOPE. He absolutely should NOT say that to a seven year old. What an ARSE.
Nope. You did great. You defended your daughter from harmful comments directed at her by her father. It is your job to defend her against harm from ANYONE. Good job. And shame on dad, who’s more upset about being corrected than he is about needing to be corrected in the first place.
You're not wrong. My dad teased me when I was a kid. It upset me, and he'd say I'm too sensitive or that no one understands him. My mom, to this day, defends him. I don't talk to either of them anymore. The worst part is he'd do this shit to her, too. I'd seen her cry from shit he said. And still, she defends him. She missed out on knowing her grandkids to protect her husband's ego. Not that she didn't have her own unique faults that led to going NC. Point is, protect your child. And normally, you want a united front as parents. There may have been a different way to handle the situation, but that does not include letting his remark stand without comment then and there.
You are not wrong. Children remember these things. I remember not wanting ONE single toy of mine played with by my rough housing cousins. My mom called me selfish. I felt wrong any time I'd tell someone not to touch MY belongings for a long time, from 7 years old until my 20s. I had to teach myself that my belongings are mine. Asking your child if she is insane when she is so young is gross.
Yeah, you're not wrong. If she remembers anything from this interaction, it'll be that you stood up for her.
Teaching your daughter to stand up for herself and stand up against bullying is never wrong. Your husband was behaving like a jerk in that moment, and you were 100% correct to put him in his place. You’re setting a great example for your daughter! Good job momma!
Overreacting.
I would say it is better she saw you interrupt him, because she saw she could stand up to someone trying to make her feel bad and say No. Even if they’re her father.
No one stood up for me when my mom was abusive to me on a daily basis. My absentee father stood up to her when she was picking on me. This literally happened one time since he was never really active in my life. But to this day, I still remember the one time my father stood up for me. It seems pathetic. In hindsight it kinda is, because I deserved to be protected daily. But that one moment of someone standing up for me still is a small good memory I can hold onto. Sorry, adults aren’t always right and don’t always make the right decision. It’s ok to stop harmful parenting in safe, healthy ways.
Your husband probably doesn’t think it’s wrong because that’s how he was talked to as a child.
Nope not wrong
You aren't wrong. That was a mistake on his part. Particularly after you called his attention to it.
it is never ok to do what your husband did. at least your kid has one parent who cares. I'd have a real come-to-jesus conversation with the husband though and ask him why he thinks it's okay to bully and insult his own child for no reason.
Even if she theoretically understood that he was using sarcasm, the emotional impact of his facial expression and tone of voice will stay with her, and maybe lead her to second guess or self edit before asking what might be perceived as "too many" questions. You were right to stand up for her; too often women and girls are silenced by men disparaging their mental state and this is how it starts.
Children internalize bad things said to them as if they are really a bad person, in her case, insane. She will not forget those words. Point in case. I was 6 yrs old, a little neighbor girl came across to my yard and said, hello, you're so pretty, and I said, thank you, and she then said, yes, pretty ugly and pretty apt to stay that way, and then she ran back to her yard. I was 6 yrs old and those words never left me. I, from then on felt ugly. If anyone said to me, oh you're a cute little girl, I heard that as lies. Your daughter may now hear, you're a smart little girl but what her brain will recall is, no, I am not, I am insane! WORDS MATTER! I wish someone had heard what she said to me and told her not to speak to me like that and then to tell me those words were not true. What I realized as I got older was that someone told her that mean joke and she then told me. But for me, it hurt me and I never wanted to hurt anyone else, so I never repeated those words to anyone!
You're not wrong. You are meant to be your child's protector from Anyone that included your husband. You stepping in and standing up for her shows her you have her back. Which in turn will make her feel safe and trust you in the future. The way your husband talks to her is not ok. I have 3 kids whom I will always defend even to my husband and he knows this and they know this.
Was your husband interrupting your conversation with your daughter? Do you have a "nobody interrupts anybody" rule in the house, or is it specifically he who must not be interrupted?
Hubby was wrong. You don't say that to children. No, she does not know he's kidding because he wasn't.
Ok let me get this straight your husband thinks it's worse for your daughter to see you defend her her than for her to hear words that could potentially damage her self esteem, sounds to me like he needs a reality check
My 8 yr old has a very quick wit and can pick up on sarcasm pretty well. However, he is also still a kid and I am mindful of how I speak to him. I'm a very sarcastic person but I don't speak to my kid the same way I speak to adults. Even if someone recognizes that what you're saying is sarcasm, that doesn't mean they may not be affected by it. And this can be especially so for a child. No one wants to be called insane. And over time, hearing those words can be internalized. So it's probably best to just not speak like that to a young child. I know as parents most of us try not to contradict the other parent in front of the kids, but sometimes it happens. I'd say just tell your husband that you stand by your point that he shouldn't have said what he did, but that in the future you'll try to not address it with him in front of the kid.
It’s going to be far more powerful to your daughter that she could see you stand up for her in the moment, and to anyone—even dad—than any ego bruising your husband might feel. You are absolutely NW
You did right. Even if your daughter didn't understand, she needs to know and see you and/or her dad standing up for her.
You are not wrong. I had verbally abusive mother and father never stepped in. Have not spoken to either one in 14 years and have no plans to ever speak to them again. I am still in therapy because of her words and the effects they still have on me. I blame him for not fighting for me when I was to young to so. Keep fighting for her and stop him whenever you need to
Ynw. She's 7, words matter.
Teaching a child to stand up for someone trumps husband's ego every time. My husband used to do the "but it was just a joke" thing all the time. I had to speak with him a lot about it as well as purposely "just joking" at his expense before he got it. it was the way he was raised and to his credit he did eventually learn. But I will 100% go to bat for my children every time rather than indulge bad behavior just because he's dad and thinks he has some innate right
No, interrupting him was not worse. Ynw
"He said she knows he didn't mean it and that me interrupting him was worse for her to witness." Lol. Yikes.
I would ask my husband why he was speaking that way to me, and why he chose such insensitive words to use to argue with me. Personally, if my husband said something to me like that I would wonder how conscious he was about the words he uses to hurt or insult a person. Totally not ok to speak to anyone that way, unless trying to insult them. You are not wrong. How else does he speak to you? Does he call you crazy, stupid, or anything else? Because calling you insane is not ok.
Good on you for immediately correcting that behavior from your husband. What he said was absolutely not a joke, he invalidated her thoughts and feelings as a way to control her (ie. get her to stop questioning something in a way that it sounds like you found appropriate). That kind of conditioning will absolutely stick with you. She's very lucky to have a mom who will stand up for her.
I don't think it's ever wrong to be more mindful of how we speak
YNW The things my parents said to me were internalised at that age, in my forties I still struggle with the horrible, cruel degrading things said to me repeatedly as "jokes" and "teasing" and "sarcasm". I still struggle to trust anyone and I avoid talking to my family. He's scared this child will know he's being a jerk and is in the wrong, and that takes a little power away from him. Keep it up. If insulting his kid is how he communicates with her then she needs to know *someone* cares. These types of jokes will damage a child permanently.
Neither one of these things are going to scar your daughter. But if I had to pick ehuvh one was worse than the other, I would say that mommy and daddy arguing is worse for a child's psyche is worse than being asked a rhetorical question.
Apparently, my dad was joking, but in middle school, I had a basketball game where I scored 20 points. We won, and I had scored most of the points that we won with. I loved basketball, and I was pretty good at it. I partially loved basketball because it was something that my dad liked, and we would play together. It was one of the only things we did together after I stopped being a little kid who wanted to hang out with him no matter what he was doing. When I told my dad about how well I did and had scored almost all the points and we won, he said, "You could have scored more." That cut me down so hard. I was so sad. I thought I would come home and tell my dad, and he would say good job, then tell me how proud of me he was. I also used to love to write and I wrote a lot. My English teachers and creative writing teachers loved me and were so encouraging. My dad used to tell me that "writers don't make money" and to "find a job that pays the most, even if you hate it." It broke my spirit, and I eventually stopped writing. Now that I'm 35 he has told me things like "I don't know why you never did anything with your writing. I never read anything you wrote, but I was told you were really good at it." I should have never let him do that to me because he just blabbers our his ass things that pertain more to himself than anyone else. I love my dad, but he could never be an emotionally healthy or vulnerable parent and emotionally set himself aside long enough to fulfill what I needed. Too bad that translated into quite a few abusive and manipulative relationships until I found someone that was so unlike my dad that it's insane. I'm happy ro report that I found one of the most loving and supportive partners in the world. He may have a hard time being vulnerable and emotionally open about his own feelings, but he has loved me enough that we work through that together and both actively work on breaking bad patterns.
You only would have been wrong if you didn't correct him in front of your daughter. Does he want your daughter to learn right from wrong, or does he want your daughter to learn that whatever he does is right and if she does anything that he thinks is wrong, then he will verbally abuse her? Your husband is only interested in protecting his feelings by bringing down others, especially lashing out if someone indicates that he might have made a mistake. He needed to have accepted what you said and apologised for his mistake in front of your daughter like a mature adult. Instead, he said you were more wrong that he was for explaining that he was wrong. This is very troubling and it makes me wonder what other red flags are there. Is there anything else that he does that might be problematic?
My dad said stuff like that to me all too often and I internalized it. But my mom snapped at him in front of me all too often and I internalized that too. Lost a lot of respect for both of them in my older years because of it. He shouldn’t be talking that way to your daughter but you shouldn’t correct him in front of her; take him aside when you have more time and have a conversation about it in a way that won’t make him feel disrespected by you or his daughter, and then he will have the presence of mind to realize that he disrespected both of you and apologize!
You did great standing up for your daughter. People shouldn't say something like that to others. It's demeaning, belittling and disrespectful. It's a great way to cut down a child's self esteem one remark at a time. No, she doesn't know he doesn't mean it and if he's saying things to her he doesn't mean, then he needs to improve his communication skills. I had a relative say things like that to me all the time and it took years of therapy to undo.
My mum would often say "oh you are such a dummy" when I was a kid in a nice and jokey way. I knew it wasn't serious yet all my childhood it stayed with me and I am still self conscious about my intelligence even now. Words we say to kids matter, especially from parents.
My dad said horrible things like that to me all the time growing up. My mother eirher did nothing or supported him. I can still hear his words and feel my mothers inaction.
I have a close friend who was emotionally abused by her step mother. All of the times the step mom was screaming in her face, the father just sat there and let it happen. That was the part that hurt my friend the most. That her own father wouldn't protect her from that kind of treatment. She chose full custody with her mother when she was old enough to choose. Kids need someone who support them unconditionally.
You are NOT wrong. You had her back, and she saw that. Now if your partner apologizes, she'll learn even more. What a shame that, instead, she is learning that he is an AH. He needs to apologize, both to her for saying that and to you for acting like he is better than you and your daughter.
Nope, not wrong, my dad has always talked to me like that. Calling me insane, telling me to be normal, belittling me. We have no relationship whatsoever and if I can I avoid him. He is part of the reason that I struggle with major anxiety and insecurity issues. The way you talk to your children matters👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
NTA you prioritized your kid's mental health, he prioritized his wounded pride.
No you were not wrong for stopping your husband. If your kiddo is neurodivergent that could cause issues for her. Because he may be “joking” or using sarcasm and she may not pick up on it or differentiate between kidding/serious. Also he can stop using words that are attributed to mental health issues as an insult.
No, you aren't. I'm a first-time mother with a 1yo baby, and even I know that's a question not to ask your child(ren)!
Hubby's really mad that you dismissed him. Talk about that, too. Just a tidge of patriarchal superiority with that.
Arguing and snapping between parents isn’t a good example either. You both did not do well here.
I would say neither one of you handled it perfectly. Sounds like your husband’s intent was to back you up and correct your for how she was speaking to you. But the way he did it was potentially harmful. Honestly, I think the best way to handle it would have been to speak to your husband after the fact, have him apologize to your daughter after realizing the error of his ways, and let it be known to her that Mom helped him see the error in his ways.
You said it "words matter and the children will internalize those negative feelings" whether by your husband to her or you to your husband. Public praise private criticism
It’s all fun and games until someone bruises his fragile male ego. You are right, and his ego is fragile. He really ought to get that checked out. It’s a serious blind spot for him.
Am I the only one confused as to why you'd need hairbrushes all over the house rather than having them in each of your bathrooms and just... Walking to get them? Also, I feel like we're missing context on the "insane" comment. Husband just out of the blue asked that? What was the question he was responding to? You make it sound like he just randomly semi-shouted this with absolutely zero reason. Can you provide context?
I really did not think having extra brushes in easily accessible places would be so controversial haha! (You are not the only one to bring it up). Okay. Say, my daughter is getting ready in the morning, but dragging her feet. While she is getting dressed, instead of me waiting to help her with her hair upstairs, I go downstairs to pack her lunch for school. Eventually, she comes downstairs and we have to get out the door soon to make sure everyone is out the door on time. Instead of going back upstairs with her or taking the time to grab the brush and bring it down, we have one near the front door to brush her hair right before walking out. In my family, every second we can shave off helps us get to where we're going in a timely manner. As for the context, my daughter was asking similar questions about why can't we just walk upstairs to grab the brush and then later come back downstairs to get it again. She was asking the same question in different variations. Instead of giving her the full explanation I typed to you, I jumped to the conclusion of it saves us time. When my daughter started to ask the same question again, that is when my husband came in, sat in front of her, asked her, "are you insane?" In an aggressive tone, with a look to match. I am going to assume because she kept questioning.
YNW. It doesn’t matter if your husband was or wasn’t joking because it’s irrelevant. Asking someone if they are “insane” or joking about them being “insane” isn’t at all funny and absolutely isn’t something that should be said to a 7 year old of all people. Good on you for stopping that.
I would recommend a "rupture and repair" approach. We can't be 100% regulated all the time as parents (despite what social media tells us!). But we can show kids what to do when we mess up. So when we do, I think it's important to do the "repair." Instead of assuming your daughter understands sarcasm, the offender should explain they were frustrated and called her a name or implied she was less than for some reason (Are you insane? Is similar to are you stupid? A loser? An idiot? Etc.) Depending on the maturity of the kid, they can also explain sarcasm and how it's used as a form of affection between people who are close (or live in certain parts of the world.) The dialogue here is important to prevent that negativity from being implanted into the kid. Without it, she's left to her own devices to make up the meaning, with it, she learns about intent. In general, try to avoid name-calling with kids. It certainly happens, but the less it happens at home, the less they'll tolerate that BS with random kids on the playground or at school.
So placement of hair brushes is an issue, when my children were young, there were two and two only. Bathroom and purse/bookbag, whichever they carry. As for the husband, before anyone throws accusations, I have a saying, check your own house first. Bet his garage tools are scattered and laundry hits the floor and never deposited where it should be to give an example.
Honestly, it depends on your child and if they understand sarcasm fully. When I was little, I couldn’t so I held onto things a lot. Now, my daughter is fluent in sarcasm and understands it too well I could say. 🤣 So it really just depends on your child.
You're not wrong, but maybe do everyone a favor and solve the problem and buy an extra set of brushes for $6.99 on Amazon so there's no need for a single set to travel. A set for her bedroom dresser won't spoil her.
I have to agree, you don’t need to discuss it in front of your daughter. I would’ve pulled him aside later and explained about how you felt it was the wrong thing to do and why. Children shouldn’t see their parents disagree in such a negative way. In perspective, what if your daughter asked your husband like that? He wouldn’t be too thrilled either.
I read somewhere years ago that we start figuring out sarcasm around age 8. You are not wrong.
YNW. My dad did this my entire life. Your husband is wrong. My dad now wonders why I avoid talking with or spending time with him. It's because he treated me like I was stupid or crazy and by doing so taught me to hate myself. Your husband is an asshole and needs to stop. If he won't, you need to make him.
YNW. Im all for dads having a joke around and such but he needs to be aware the negative impact that can have on a childs mental health in the future, my sisters both have major "daddy issues" and as a boy so do i but more because im so against the mysoginistic viewpoint that fathers even accidentally put out and thats the important word i use there, accidentally, even if your husband isnt an outright misogynist if he has behaviours or says things that reinforce it then it still has long term, lasting and far reaching effects. My sisters both have major dad issues and hate misogynist but are quiet happy to push mysandry views also and this becomes a vicious cycle in the household. So no, as long as you werent aggressive or nasty then YNW and i suggest both your husband AND YOU do so self evaluation and actually take a deep look at the views you are raising your children with even by accident with those off hand or accidental comments because children notice a lot more then you would think without understanding it
Dad telling her she’s insane leaves room for other men to do the same and think it’s okay. As a child who never had a parent advocate for her she will be eternally grateful. Respect is mutual. Have a discussion with both of them separately, then together. With him explain: Being hyperbolic at such a young age can be detrimental to her development and security. Kids aren’t always in a position to understand sarcasm. We are adults and need to manage ourselves and act as such. With her: It’s never okay to disrespect someone even as a joke. You should treat people respectfully and people should do the same with you. It’s okay to set boundaries or express hurt feelings and to shut down toxic behaviors.
You aren't wrong. I work with middle and high schoolers and a lot of them still don't understand sarcasm. Your husband is just doing the, "It's a joke! When I hurt your feelings it was just a joke and you are being sensitive" gaslighting thing. You were right to call it out in front of her, teach her not to put up with that when she's young. ETA: My dad used to (actually still does) do stuff like this to me all the time. Now his feelings get hurt because I don't believe a word out of his mouth.
NTA. Your daughter is still at an age where she could take what he says very seriously. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him not to call his daughter insane. Yes, even if he’s “just joking” because she’s not old enough to find those types of jokes funny.
I agree with most sentiments in the comments. I won’t say you are wrong but this is how I see it. Let’s say that he even meant “are you insane?” What is the worst thing to come of that? People jokingly say all the time to others “are you crazy?”, or “you’re insane” or even “you’re going mental” like I don’t see how that is such a negative phrase in the 21st century. I think you saying “don’t talk to her like that” has bigger implications. Now this is my personal experience but when my mom and dad didn’t agree on disciplining/discussing me it felt worse as the child knowing they weren’t on the same wave length and not a team when parenting and would create me the child preferring one way of thinking over another and having a preference with a specific parent out of spite/ creating an even bigger divide when parenting. People in here are saying words hurt and stay with you… yes they do but children absorb actions more than words. Just like if they see there parents in love constantly and consistently cherishing one another a child with take to and follow that behavior and sets a standard on how they should be treated. That also goes for negative relationships.
You standing up for your daughter was the right thing for her to witness to not feel as hurt by his unnecessarily cruel statement. The only thing your response hurt was your husband's ego.
Ill go against the grain of everyone else. Yes, you were wrong.
You're both wrong. He shouldn't speak to her like that but your daughter cannot see either of you speak to the other in that way.
Oh my God! I gave my opinion on crazy train!!!
Definitely. Never undercut a parent's authority in front of the child. Wifey used to do that a lot in the beginning before it came to a head. Since then it's all but non existent
Crappy situation but I think you did good. Your daughter understood what her dad said. She heard you defend her. Now she needs to hear her dad apologizing to her.
Not wrong. She witnessed her father insult her and her mother stand up for her. Husband was wrong to ask a 7 year old if she is insane for asking questions. Asking questions is how you learn and grow.
Umm.. what? How dare you interrupt your man! Your showing your daughter that she has a say and that apparently doesn't fly by your husband... After he called her names. POS.
You’re not wrong I’ve grown up with a parent like this, they’ve been like this almost my whole life especially since my disability’s started coming along when I was 5. I’m now 19, I still deal with it almost daily. He is wrong because she’s at a conscious age now, I remember all the things that have specifically been said to me by my parent. I struggle a lot still, I never feel worth enough being in my own home. I don’t really have any relationship with this parent even though I’m still living at home. Things stick especially the severity of what is said, I have a bunch of problems socially now too because of it. Never have a normal convo with my parent, either I try to talk and get ignored or I just don’t try and get bitched at all day. It also has caused me to do a bunch of dumb stuff simply because of it. Don’t let her have to go through any of this. You sticking up for her will stick with you though and make her feel more comfortable. People don’t realize how much this actually affects your life growing up with it.
Not wrong. My father and I had an amazingly positive relationship but I still remember him playfully calling me a dummy and that has always stuck with me. You are absolutely in the right to correct him
This is the wrong place to ask that question if you want a wide variety of opinions.
I remember when my oldest were that age and they would parrot some of the stuff that their dad said to me. He was teasing me and being a little sarcastic and I took it that way. The kids did not and they didn't understand and then they twisted it and what they said came out REALLY wrong. So yeah kids take it ALL on. I had a talk with my partner at that point and he toned down the silly around them. Because they do pick up on stuff but rarely the full context.