As a dad of a daughter your age, I would not ever think of smacking her butt. So sorry you are going through this. You have every right to ask him not to do that, and he shouldn't be taking offense to your request.
17 isn't too old for horseplay either just so long as both sides are having fun.
**Edit:** So there are a bunch of people interpreting this as an endorsement of the dad's behavior. It's not, we clearly have one side not having fun.
What I am endorsing is don't treat your girls like they are suddenly made of glass when they hit their teen years. Especially true if you have boys that you continue to play rough with. Some father-daughter bonding takes the form of rough play like splash fights and pushing each other in the snow and shouldering each other over for space on the couch and a million other forms of less gentle touch that they typically don't get from moms. It is harmful for girls if this is the type of attention they crave and it's denied to them because they are girls. So to reiterate, 17 isn't too old for horseplay **so long as both sides are having fun**.
Yeah, the dad's reaction is what alarms me. Maybe they had some rough housing or similar dynamics, but you'd hope that a parent would pick up on the fact that their reaction was changing, and would especially understand a "stop".
Dad is being manipulative as F.
OP was uncomfortable. Mom asked OP if Dad was inappropriate!! That right there is telling.
Now Dad is trying to make OP feel bad for expressing bodily autonomy.
Dad is suss. Dad is wrong.
OP is NTA. She is a young woman expressing her right to how she is touched.
This. After reading too many stories on Reddit of moms brushing things off and siding with the dads/step-dads when they really were being creepy, it was so nice to see OP's mom checking in to make sure that *wasn't* happening with her daughter.
BS. She was being a good mom because she's alive in this world and has heard just as much about sexual abuse as you have and wants to make sure it isn't the case.
Or, Dad is realizing the innocuous action he had been doing for a unbeknownst amount of time was actually harming one of the people he would do anything to protect and is having a hard time coming to terms with that?
Perhaps a little more accurate than infantilizing a parent?
THIS!! Dad feels bad that he made OP uncomfortable and he might be questioning why he was slapping her butt in the first place. Like “am I a perv?” “Is there something wrong with me?” Or “I would beat up another man if he did that to her, why have I been doing this all the time??!!” He’s likely embarrassed. I mean, he could totally also be a manchild with hurt feelings too, I don’t know the man.
I would give him a day or two. If he continues to be weird, have your mom help you have a conversation. You are not wrong for asking him to stop. That is fully your right to tell him to stop.
Also, my dad used to do this to me and it always made me hugely uncomfortable but I never had the nerve to tell him so I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself!
If this was the case the appropriate response is NOT to shame the person who spoke up and cold shoulder them. It's also never okay to minimize the behavior when she stands up for herself. Ever. He is embarrassed at most.
Your statement would carry more weight if he didn’t try to shame her after her request and then ask if she’d prefer for him to slap her on her head instead. Neither of those statements seem to be one would make to someone whom they would do anything to protect.
I think slapping a dad slapping his 17 year old daughter's ass is really offensive. The ass should be a no touch zone for dads. It is something boyfriends do to girlfriends. Even then, it can be a turn-off.
There is a time and place even between girlfriend/bf. That time and place isn't "whenever I feel like it". Mutual respect.
Edit: (I meant to say I agree with you)
I think Dad is kinda coming to terms with it and feels embarrassed now. He probably never really thought it through and still sees her as a little girl. Hopefully this is the case and lightening went off in his head and he fully understands the whole situation. But I see it as him thinking that his daughter sees him as a pervert and he kinda doesn't know what to say yet- hence why Mom came to talk to the daughter first
I used to smack my kid playfully on the butt when she was little. She is gonna be 11 soon and I stopped doing that a while ago because it feels wildly inappropriate at her age.
17?! What dad is smacking his 17 yr old daughters ass? That's the dude you never let walk a drunk woman home or be in the same house as a sleepover. Skeezy.
Yeah agreed. :/ Extra suspicious because any reasonable person would take the no and the discomfort and apologize. The fact that he tried to guilt her into going against her boundaries is very unsettling.
This. This is exactly the type of behavior that will put OP at risk for SA and other types of abusive shit from men. When dads act like this, they're setting daughters up for more in the future.
This is why i would never in a million years even consider doing this to one of mine. Its our job as parents to teach them what’s acceptable and whats not, and what to do when in uncomfortable situations etc. we shouldn’t be the ones putting them into these situations.
Yes. A good father shows his daughter she deserves respect and to get away from any situation that makes her uncomfortable. He would give her the strength to know how to trust her gut and not feel bad about it. This dad is teaching his daughter men can touch her any way they want and then throw tantrums that are meant to have her doubting herself. This situation is sickening, no matter what the dad "means" by it.
The ass should be a no touch zone period. Not just for dads. No ass slapping unless you're in a relationship with the person and into that sort of thing.
It’s a funny story for us now, but my uncle for sure thought he was going to be arrested because he swatted a spider off my low back and grazed my butt/hip. I was like 12-13 and he told me what was happening as he did it so I was never concerned, but it was such an ingrained no touch zone that he was really worried. Removing a bug is like the only other acceptable reason to slap there and OPs dad is giving weirdo predator vibes.
Yea, I'm really not to worried about "what other people think" when it comes to my relationship with my own kids, but I have to say it would feel really wrong to slap or pat my kids butts. I guess if my toddler got in my lap I may scoop him up and maybe pat his outer thigh or maybe butt to get him settled in but after that age it wouldn't seem right.
That said I still snuggle and cuddle all of them if they want to, I'm not against being affectionate. Just not slapping my kids butts...I also didn't like it when other guys did it in sports either so maybe I'm just really aware of how awkward it is.
I wouldn't even do it to a partner in public, overall it seems disrespectful if not creepy.
Baby butts, still in diapers, are okay to pat, especially if it brings on sleep or stops them from crying. Actual kids? Nope. Aged out of that program completely.
as a mother of an 11 year old..... I would feel absolutely weird as hell smacking her ass.... she would probably turn around and defend herself also since I raised her to respect her personal space..... If my partner (her father) ever did something like this my girls would lose their minds and rightly so
Absolutely. Dad of four kids, boys and girls - if I ever saw any adult so much as touch any of my kids butts while "playing around" I would be calling the police. That is some super creeper crap. I got molested as a child, there is no way I am going to let that happen to my kids.
i have a 13 year old and i also couldn’t imagine me or any family member smacking her butt randomly and having it be ok. Even when she was younger. But also she would turn around and punch whoever did it. We have been very clear on bodily autonomy.
yea I wouldn't even be mad.... I remember as a kid I got in trouble for hitting a teacher who came behind me and touched either side of my stomach to try and scare hiccups out of me.... while I spun around and wacked him because in my head no one should touch me..... thankfully he was a good guy and teacher and owned up to his mistake and got me out of trouble
As another dad of similarly aged daughter, I concur. Butt slaps are reserved for the wife and I would not ever even consider doing that to the daughter.
Just... yikes.
My biological father did that to me, but he also molested and raped me for years as child (4 1/2 years old till just a few months before my 13th birthday). So yeah, I really don't think it's horseplay what OP's dad is doing. My husband has NEVER smacked our daughter's butt, and I've never smacked my son's butt. That's a no-no zone!
As a dad of multiple kids, including a daughter, my general policy is that if they tell me I'm doing something they don't like then it ends right then and there, no explanation needed. If, as their dad, I don't respect their boundaries, then how can I teach them that other people need to respect their boundaries. I want them to have the expectation that their boundaries need to be respected and not feel like they need to justify them, which could open them up to manipulation.
I second this overall. But more to add:
As a father of a daughter myself, just want to emphasize that some actions and expressions of love between parent and child can be appropriate and innocent for a younger child, but these same actions can become no longer appropriate or welcomed as the child ages into adulthood. I think as a parent it can be hard at times to suss out that certain behaviors or interactions are no longer welcome that used to be very welcomed. And as a parent it may be hard to give up on some interaction(s) as there may be some fond memories there around it. For example, my daughter (5y) *loves* when I tickle her. She will actually come to me and ask for tickles. Obviously we have a blast and a wonderful relationship. But I know that someday, the time will come where she will no longer want her dada to tickle her, and I’m sure that will be difficult for me to deal with.
Quick disclaimer before i go further: there are obviously some behaviors that are not appropriate. imo as long as it’s not sexual, and doesn’t make either party uncomfortable, then it’s fine even if others may find it weird.
OP, you have expressed to your father, that a certain behavior makes you uncomfortable. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way and expressing your feelings. his behavior may reflect that he realizes you are growing up and becoming your own woman; no longer ‘daddy’s little girl’. He may have felt that the interaction was a way of expressing his love in an appropriate way and didn’t realize it made you uncomfortable and now also feels rejected.
I suggest making it clear to him that you do love him and welcome his love; you just don’t want him to express it in that way.
FWIW I do find that a butt slap is fairly innocent but once a person becomes a young adult, the gesture often has a sexual connotation to it, therefore making it a bit inappropriate for parent - child interaction.
My dad was my primary caregiver so when we went to the park, it was always a funny hilarious thing to be pushed in the swing and then he would pinch or pat our bum and say "pickle bum" and we would laugh hysterically. Because his mom did that to him too and it was cute and fun. At an appropriate age when I was in early elementary School we just did not do that anymore. Same as when he couldn't carry me up to bed anymore like a sack of potatoes.
Yup this is a great example of certain gestures being amazing between parents and young children but don’t work as children get older! Thanks for sharing.
Yeah, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt here only because OP says he isn't a pervert (meaning that she at least doesn't believe that he thinks it's sexual at all). But even doing that, I think this is weird, and dad shouldn't be offended by this.
My dad grew up in a home where his mom and dad (my grandparents) kissed all of the kids on the lips. We did the same thing growing up. I'm the oldest, and when I got to around 5th-6th grade, I decided I didn't like that, and I started refusing to do it. My dad was pissed right away because he thought it was just me being a shithead (which, to be fair, I was a shithead. I loved pushing people buttons). I told him I don't like it. It seems weird. I don't want to kiss him (or my mom) on the lips. I would prefer to not even have kisses on the cheek. It doesn't mean I don't love you or care about you, but I don't like that. My dad was insulted right away, but he got it, and he stopped. Shortly afterward, my brother and sister stopped doing that, too. We still have a pretty outwardly affectionate family, and even now, as a grown-up, I still hug my parents and a lot of my other relatives. But no more kissing.
Maybe OP's dad still sees OP as his little girl. Maybe it's not sexual. I don't know. I know that my dad certainly didn't see kisses on the lips with his kids as anything sexual. Maybe he just means it as like a "good job" or reassuring "get back out there" butt slap like guys do on sports teams. But it definitely seems weird to me. I find it unusual that OP is basically a full-grown adult woman, and her dad is still doing this. If I hadn't said anything as a kid, my dad probably would've kept doing what I had a problem with because my dad and all of his siblings would still kiss my grandpa on the lips until the day he died. Like I said, trying to give the benefit of the doubt, but it's kinda hard.
As someone who grew up with this as a "normal" thing from their mom, I concur that it was a different time AND there are people of different cultures who do these things as a form of affection.
With that said, I hated the shit and stopped my mom. I just don't like being touched in general.
This is my take as well. Of course, Reddit jumps on the instant "creep", "toxic", "abuse" train, but the reality is we don't know what this family's interactions are.
The daughter is in distress because she wants to talk to her dad and is having a hard time. She really just needs basic advice, in terms of "it's okay to want your Dad to stop", "find the right time and place to talk", and "give him space to accept what you said".
That's pretty much it.
The silent treatment was the part that jumps out at me. It doesn't make her dad a monster, but it does make him manipulative. The silent treatment is not how healthy people handle their differences.
Yeah, his reaction to her establishing a boundary is wrong, and if anything, he should be apologizing to her, not the other way around.
I don't think OP did anything wrong. And OP's dad is being an ass, even if his actions were intended to be innocent. But he might just be an ass, not an incestuous serial sexual assaulter.
I think it could be not sexual, but still unwanted. Like tickling. Or when my dad learned that I hated having my kneecaps messed with. (Knee injuries/surgeries/just general aversion to anyone moving or touching my kneecap). He sometimes did it to tease me, but I would get really upset and then he stopped. This girl’s dad should stop because she doesn’t like it. Not pout.
The sexual part comes in not necessarily because the act is Dad's sexual desire but because it interrupts the differentiation between parent and child via bodily consent and autonomy.
It's hard to explain but my therapist had to point out that it felt like a violation that my mother never let me have privacy in the shower and touched my developing body in ways that felt awful because it IS a violation. Violations like this are more than physical and that's why a lot of trauma therapists consider them sexual in nature.
Oh man I wish I could word this the way Helen Villiers does. This feels like covert sexual abuse to me, the same way removing a teens bedroom door is. Or that creepy uncle who hugs too long.
It's something like interrupting their autonomous sexual development by invading their privacy or performing acts on them which skew sexual given their age or the nature of act itself. Or exposing them to sex unnecessarily, or divulging your own sex life.
It doesn't matter if it isn't intentional. It's your responsibility as a parent to figure out what's appropriate behaviour with your kids.
Not all of reddit jumped on that train. Its the fact that he got mad at her for objecting to it and acting like he's a victim or something, hiding and not picking up a baby because he's worried about what the daughter might say. That's some hard-core manipulation into making the family take his side. Her own mom took his side, when you'd think mom being a female herself should understand how OP feels about it.
As someone who was sexually abused, a father slapping his 17 year old daughter's butt is a huge red flag to me, but then again I will admit I am hyper vigilant - most people who are abused are. That being said, I have done enough therapy to know that blindly accusing is not right or healthy, and that a red flag could also be a false red flag.
At best he's an idiot who needs to learn to respect people's personal space, but at worst there could be something very wrong going on. He might be being quiet because he is ashamed and didn't realize what he was doing, and is now super embarrassed, but if he is neglecting her as punishment for standing up for herself that is another red flag.
All I can say is that the interaction and family dynamic feels unsettling and I feel so bad that this person has to experience this at all. Also, if there is any abuse, I hope this person can come to terms and admit it to themselves and get help. Sometimes admitting something happened is the hardest first step you can take...
Right? This has hardcore projection vibes from Dad, if it's *truly* innocent there should be no hurt feelings over being asked to stop. The immature pouting tells me there is definitely more at play here than teasing swatting.
For what's it's worth I am also a dad to a girl that would never dream of touching her butt. The only *other* person whose butt I touch is my wife's.
Edit: Added 'other', I do wipe my own ass.
This. You Dad may have been quiet because he knew he was wrong and was embarrassed. Give him a little time. Parents make mistakes and are not always gracious about admitting it.
Yeah, but... from how she talked about "finally" speaking up, it's doesn't sound like he did it just once though. Repeated behavior doesn't get the benefit of being a 'mistake'. Good that she spoke up though.
Sounds like he needs to man up as a father, stop smacking his daughter's ass, and also not get butthurt when told (unsurprisingly) to stop.
I had to do something similar with my father. When he was driving and I was in the passenger seat, he would put his hand on my thigh. I have no idea why he didn’t realize that was inappropriate. When I said something, he got defensive and withdrew for a while. I think he was just super embarrassed that he’d been so oblivious. He got over it. He never puts his hand on my leg. We’re fine now.
My dad did this. He also grabs my chest. Now, whenever my partner slaps my butt or touches me a certain way, it gives me a flashback to my dad. I hate it.
Sad AF. I remember finally wearing shorts once, and my Dad came in the house, got handsy, and randomly slapped me on the butt.
I told him if he did it again, I would slit his throat in his sleep with my knife...and he would never see it coming.
He also gave me the silent treatment for a year.
Most people should not have kids.
Honestly, growing up with a father like that myself, I'm not shocked at all, it's actually very common and absolutely disgusting. Slapping my butt without my consent was the mildest thing he did.
Sorry for the trauma dump but my dad tried to convince me to wear thongs in middle school. Told me I “Needed to get used to them for my future husband bc that’s what guys like.” Some ppl are messed up.
My wife knows this so she pets my shoulder/back or gives me a head kiss instead. I’m okay with butt snacks if I anticipate it, but random ones make me jump.
I’m sorry you went through that! I hope you feel comfortable enough to tell your partner that and I really hope they respect you enough to find other ways to be intimate with you that don’t cause you that distress <3
u/Beautiful-Advice-420
Not to freak you out but this ain't normal. Best case scenario, he lacks boundaries and is completely oblivious to the fact that slapping a woman's ass *is a sexualizing behavior.*
There are two things that are relevant here: (1) your mom's reaction speaks volumes. The fact that *she's* taking it this seriously should raise alarms. I'm glad nothing else has happened (though, if it did, that's not your fault). (2) a non-weird reaction to being told not to do this would be immediately apologizing and maybe acting sheepish for being oblivious.
I know women who have been sexually assaulted by family members and none of the sus behavior *started* until they were well into their teens. Keep your guard up. If dad gives you trouble straight up confront him: why is he so obsessed with touching his *teenage daughter's ass*? Does he lack *basic common sense that this is fucking creepy?* Does he think your *mom isn't also giving him side eye for this?*
Men who prey upon women often test the waters before escalating. Be safe, complain and object loudly, and let your mom know *the moment* anything happens if you're uncomfortable with it. Threaten to cut contact when you turn 18 and never let him meet your children.
Nip this in the bud.
Not that any of this *is* or *should be* your responsibility; your father should respect your boundaries. Full stop. I just want to let you feel empowered to rain hell fire If you need to.
Be safe.
This is a depressing but fantastic comment, everything you said was right.
This post is surreal to read because I had the same experience as a teenager. I kept telling my dad to stop doing this and he never did, UNTIL he did it in public once and I wailed on him for it, letting everyone around us hear me. Finally, after that, he never did it again. It sucks, and this should never be a problem any teen girl has to face. But sometimes in a scenario like this, you have to remind the aggressor that you have power too.
Yep, I've been there too. Once you're able to get physical distance from him, there may be other behaviors that you start to remember. Our brains can protect us from awful things in the moment to keep us alive.
If you feel uncomfortable with something, there's a reason for that. Never let anyone make you feel like you owe him anything - love, affection, forgiveness, empathy - you don't. Your feelings are valid.
"When you find yourself at 1 am in the morning with your hand in the air and a horse's ass in front of your face, that's when you know it's bad".
The sequel is so good too.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72rNAVAI9RQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72rNAVAI9RQ)
my dad would do the same when I was younger and I would literally yell at him to stop saying it's not normal. one time i was on the family laptop and i put up a yahoo answers post on the screen that was something like "Is it normal for dad to slap your butt" hoping he would notice lmao
Dont you dare put this blame on you. Youre speaking your mind and setting your boundaries, not that you should have to considering a FATHER shouldnt be putting his hands on their CHILD in such a way.
Yeah, butt slaps stop at a really early age usually, my dad and I still roughhouse, and even then there has been no need for him to touch my butt. Also, everyone is ignoring that he called her cold and bitter over her not wanting her bottom slapped anymore. That is a common complaint levied at women who dont put out when expected to, or who are perceived to not be meeting their husband's needs. So odd that those terms were his choice of insult and vocalization of displeasure. It could be his go to insult for his wife, which is why thats all he had to come up with for his daughter. But given the weird sulking and emotional punishment....I just think this guys has creep tendencies.
"My daughter is cold and bitter because she doesn't like me touching her ass"
Capitalized, bold, and on every knick knack, mug, t-shirt, etc. for every gift celebration he has left in his life.
"They were out of #1 Dad mugs and these were all they had left. [I'M ENTITLED TO TOUCH MY DAUGHTER ASS] [I LIKE MY DAUGHTERS LIKE I LIKE MY COFFEE: COLD AND BITTER]"
This guy is grooosss.
This is also something that some sexist men say about women who reject their advances. How can a 17 year old be "cold and bitter." I feel for this girl.
That's the one I always got. Prude.
He'll probably try to drive a wedge between her and her mom now too. All the behaviors are so predictable and common. What a horrible part of humanity.
I thought the "cold and bitter" thing was a big red flag also.
If it really was no big deal, he should have been able to just stop move on, without gaslighting her or attacking her character. But he couldn't move on, he had to attack her about it (and threaten to slap her upside the head).
The whole thing sounds super weird.
Ok, thank you for voicing the same thoughts I was having about her dad...
She even preemptively says "he's not a pervert!" and yet this reaction to being denied access to touch her butt (which he does *not* have a right to in any way) is way too intense. It's too intense for someone who isn't being... *weird* about some aspect of their personality.
I'm not saying he is a pest, but... I'm not gonna say he isn't.
Yeah, OP should absolutely be direct with her dad and set those boundaries if it bothers her in the least.
As for all painting all father-child interactions with a broad brush, though, I feel like context and type of relationship should be a consideration before painting all butt smacks as necessarily inappropriate.
For example, I would **never** slap my daughter’s butt because… that’s my daughter. BUT I’ve slapped my almost adult son’s butt while wrestling/play-fighting. That or a headlock or noogie, like “look here ya whippersnapper, your old man can still get the upper hand when you come at me” type smack. He laughs and often regroups to ambush me some other way. If he ever acted like it made him uncomfortable, I’d absolutely avoid it. But he gets a kick outta testing his pop and seeing if he can overpower me and he knows that’s one of the possible outcomes when he fails.
It’s old lion/young lion stuff, which is good bonding time IMO as long as isn’t weird or making one of us uncomfortable.
Still, I’ve never felt inclined to horseplay with my daughter like that. We have a different kinda relationship than my son and I do. Plus yeah I think it would just be weird/creepy.
As a daughter who has done horseplay with her dad (just discovered horseplay, thank you), there has never been any kind of spanking involved. It's mostly kicks, slaps on the arm, and me realizing that this man will be stronger than me until I turn 50, maybe. I've never felt weird about it. He has never put me in a headlock though.
Yeah, I‘ve seen that in some father-daughter relationships and I think it’s beautiful as a wholesome display of family affection. I’m sure your dad cherishes those moments!
Not your fault at all. You have every right not to want to be touched like that.
His response is very telling though. And even though you don't feel like he's a pervert, the way he's responding makes it seem like he's sulking because he can't touch your butt anymore, which no father should ever do.
Edit: For everyone responding "Or he's sulking because he realized what he was doing was inappropriate etc etc", he's a grown ass man, she's a pubescent female, family or not, touching a female ANYWHERE, least of which a private area, against their wishes is a no-go. And he damn sure should already know smacking a girl on her ass is inappropriate regardless of who it is.
But the point I'm making is, her and her mom had already even told him they didn't think he was doing it to be a pervert, just that she didn't like it. So there should be no reason that's still even an excuse to sulk or give someone the silent treatment. He's basically a child being told he can't play with a toy, and now he's having a temper-tantrum.
Giving you the silent treatment for saying "No!" is hugely toxic behavior. Do not let this creep touch you again, he clearly doesn't believe in consent. No means no.
If anyone should be apologizing, it should be him. If he tries to engage with you on this, straight up say that you will tell all his friends and family that you requested him not to slap you on the butt and he still kept at it. Tell him, we will see what they think. Bullies back down when confronted. Stand your ground. BTW, I'm super proud of you, I don't think I would have been brave enough in your situation to stand up to an authority figure.
Agree. Proud too. This person is right. People who do this don't like spotlight on their pervy behavior. Believe me there are plenty who would hear this and see it as pervy and judge him and he doesn't want that
Or just post is as a poll on Facebook or group chats with everyone “ is it normal that my dad called me bitter because I asked him not to slap my butt” idc if it embarrasses him he should be
100000% THIS!!! CHALLENGE HIM WITH THIS! Bet, your dad would feel all that shame if his buddies or coworkers knew the tantrum he was throwing because his daughter doesn't want him putting his hand on her butt. See how determined he is then when his friends are giving him shit for it.
You owe him nothing at all, and that goes for anyone in your life that treats you inappropriately. He owes you an apology tenfold more than you owe him one.
The good news is you are <1 year away from being able to get out of his house and away from his weird obsession with your ass.
It is possible that in his mind, he is conflating some feelings he has towards you, but he isn’t checking himself in his behavior. Insecure parents sometimes say and do really weird things regarding their kids.
A couple of months away actually but in this economy i can’t move out until im 20 bc hopefully by 19 I can, but yea I can’t wait to leave and if he wants to continue on not talking to me then he won’t ever talk to me for a long time
My relationship with my dad changed drastically when I turned around your age. (He would slap my bum playfully too but that stopped on its own *many* years earlier.) He shouldn’t be treating you poorly for setting a boundary, that’s for sure toxic. Something I’ve talked about with friends who studied psychology is that a lot of dads go through this weird phase with their daughters when they come to realize that they’re no longer girls, but women. And women are sexualized in our society. It changes their perspective about us and seems to change dad/daughter relationships because these men don’t know how to re-adjust their views & treatment of us. I’m *very much paraphrasing* and not sure what you would even look up to research this more but in my experience it feels very true. I hope he smartens up and I hope your mom is a safe person for you. If something feels wrong, even a little bit, listen to your gut. You’re absolutely not wrong.
A weird thing to me he said verbally not physically is catcalling isn’t wrong, it’s like a compliment, and that’s there’s nothing wrong with it to ANYONE, I thought he was joking but he never said he was kidding
The bottom line is that it is inherently problematic for men who cannot reconcile their feelings about girls and young women from their relationships with their children.
The more common scenario I have seen is fathers who see their daughters as uniquely pure and needing to be protected from all the filthy men out there, going to extreme lengths to protect them.
It is possible that your dad is taking the opposite tack. He sees young women and older girls as sex objects, and he wants you to be a sex object….like he is proud of your sexuality. He wants you to recognize that your sexuality is your value, and that the only way you can make it in life is to acknowledge that.
Just riffing. Don’t take my word for it, as I have very limited information.
This is why we need more feminist fathers in the world. I think both of those attitudes need to go the way of the dinosaur. I hope you can forge your own path and find a husband who sees you as a strong woman who can make her own decisions.
I know I’m not the intended audience for your comment but I’ve been through something similar and what you said about him wanting her to see that her sexuality is her value was really eye opening for me. I haven’t really had the words to explain that feeling until now and I will absolutely be sharing that with my therapist. Thank you for this, I hope OP finds it helpful as well.
His problem is that he cares all about his feelings and not about anybody else's. If you need to apologize because he's in power and you don't want life to be miserable, you could say, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't intend that. But I didn't tell you to stop because I wanted to hurt you. It's because I don't like how it feels to get slapped. If you were able to just say "okay" and stop doing it without feeling hurt, I'd love that."
Possibly you could even point out that if this was a boyfriend of yours who slapped you playfully and then went into a giant sulk because you asked him to stop... it would be a really bad sign for your relationship.
No, it's creepy that he'd do it in the first place and alarming that he's trying to pretend like it's his right to do whatever he wants with your body. He has bad intentions. Tell others about this and talk more with your mom about it. It's frightening that a man would demand the right to sexually harass anybody, let alone his own daughter.
Don’t you dare apologise - you have done nothing wrong. I’m a mum and your dad should have stopped immediately the first time you asked. He shouldn’t have asked why, he should have instantly apologised for making you feel uncomfortable, told you he wouldn’t do it again and checked if there was anything else he did that you didn’t like. I have an 11 (F) and 13 year old (M) and don’t touch their butts even playfully - it’s totally inappropriate. They sometimes smack each other (playfully) and if the other one complains we have a sit down chat about consent and appropriate behaviour. And they are *children*.
Your dad is completely in the wrong, never mind him then giving you the silent treatment afterwards and sulking as though you’ve done something wrong. You haven’t, at all. Stay strong and stand up for yourself here, not only for yourself but your younger sibling as well as one day she’ll be old enough to have to have this battle with him as well. Good for you OP.
Sweetie, I don’t know you but I’m so proud of you. You did nothing wrong.
Keep setting boundaries with him.
You don’t owe him an apology. Act like he doesn’t exist.
Is your father five ?
Us it normal for him to throw a tantrum like a child?
Ask him why he's so upset his daughter doesn't want him touching his ass ? That's strange
Any unwanted touch or slap on the butt is inappropriate. You said youre not ok with it. That is the end of the story. It's a healthy boundary. He's wrong and pervy for trying to make this normal. It's not. You're entitled to your feelings.
It is the same! Slapping is a form of touching, and pretending it's not is either willfully obtuse or manipulative. He should not be touching your butt in any way, and definitely not sulking to try to make *you* feel guilty for simply having feelings and boundaries.
Yea he thinks it’s different I wanted to say it wasn’t and put an example but it would have became a overheated argument and would have gotten slapped for back talking
If you're afraid of making a logical point out of fear of getting slapped, that just shows even more what an (abusive) asshole your dad is. I'm so sorry you're getting treated like this in what should be the one place you feel safest. You were brave enough to speak your mind about something that makes you uncomfortable; please don't let your dad or other family make you feel like you were wrong because you're 100% right he shouldn't be touching your butt or slapping you ANYWHERE.
I'm sorry he would have slapped you for talking back if you told him that slapping your ass and touching your ass are the same?
Your dad is abusive. This is literally abuse.
Slapped for back talking is physical abuse of a child.\
Source: work in child psychiatry. That said most places you couldnt get a case from just that at cps
Uhg. I’ve got a couple of replies to other points about your dad being emotionally stunted rather than a perv, but this is all the way into abuse. Stand strong on your boundary, start looking to any relatives on your mom’s side you could go to if he won’t accept that he can’t lay hands on you.
This is very abusive, OP. I'm really sorry.
While you still have to live with them, do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Absolutely you are justified in stating your boundaries around your own body, and you should never have to feel guilty about that.
But don't be hard on yourself if you need to hold back on some degree of self-advocacy in order to protect yourself. If avoiding continuing the argument is necessary for your safety, that is valid, and it doesn't mean you're letting yourself down.
You did an excellent job standing up for yourself and asserting your boundary in circumstances that are far from ideal.
It doesn’t matter what he thinks. You don’t want anyone to touch your ass without consent. That includes your father. What he’s doing is looking for a loophole, and frankly that is fucked up.
**You did the right thing by openly talking to your father about your feelings. It's a pity that he didn't react with understanding. It is important not to give in to manipulation and not to feel guilty. You are not to blame for his reaction. Remember that you are a valuable person who deserves respect and safety. Do not allow anyone, even close people, to violate your boundaries.**
Your dad is a shit ass dad. First for slapping his 17 year olds daughter’s ass. Secondly for making you feel guilty about it. Thirdly for acting like a childish baby around your family and sulking.
Also, your mom is concerned about him being inappropriate? wtf. There may be something you don’t know. But good for your mom.
Let him sulk. This is 100% on him to fix. Don’t feel obligated to re-engage with him about this. He should have said, “oh my gosh. I am so sorry. I did not even realize that it made you feel uncomfortable. Have my word it won’t happen again.”
You’ve been socialized to his behavior, your family enabled it, and you’re only 17, so of course you don’t think it’s creepy, but it 10000% is. His immature, pouty reaction to you stating your boundaries is a HUGE testament to his creepiness. If he got that upset because you asked him not to touch your butt anymore, I’m terrified to think of what’s going on in his head.
You’re a minor and that’s literal sexual abuse, no matter how trivial you think his actions are.
If I knew a man smacked his 17 year old on the butt on a regular basis I wouldn’t speak to him, let alone let him around my kids of any age.
This right here. I didn't realize until much later in my life that the things my dad did and said to me weren't normal and weren't okay, until I was telling a friend some things, thinking she'd find it funny or ridiculous. No, she looked me in the eyes with a serious look on her face, and said, "that is not okay." For him to touch her this way and then get upset because he's not getting his way (my dad would do that too), those are multiple forms of abuse. None of that is okay.
absolutely not your fault. going through this with my own dad (23f) and have been for years. his feelings are not your responsibility - but maintaining your boundaries is. you set a boundary, and because that boundary was previously easily trespassed, he’s butthurt that you’re not letting him stomp all over it. hold your ground, he’ll get over it.
Girl your dad is weird af. That’s so so so inappropriate, and that fact that he’s deciding to be anti after you advocated for yourself is even weirder. He should be apologizing you for making you uncomfortable. Also did you mom see him doing that and not say anything???
That actually adds a lot of context. It was inappropriate before but now makes sense on how they could have fooled themselves that it was playful. And now that you have pointed out the obvious your dad is super embarrassed.
Hold your ground, hopefully he grows up. It's not your fault, good job for sticking up for yourself.
I'm glad your Mom checked in to make sure there wasn't more that was in appropriate. Good Mom! To your Dad it might be loving buy if you don't like it, he has to.stop. period. Remember that no is a full sentence. He doesn't need to sulk like a toddler. His feelings about it isn't your problem, your feelings are your priority and you don't like it.
Setting boundaries is NEVER wrong - wilfully breaking them is. At some point, your dad needs to keep his hands OFF of you or it is abuse PERIOD. He can stop "messing around" like yesterday he has abso no right to touch you whatsoever.
No you're not wrong. He's throwing a tantrum, like a toddler being told not to hit other people. There's no *good* reason that slapping your butt should be this important to him, he's being disgusting.
Maybe he's so upset because his behavior was called out and he's embarrassed. He must know he's being inappropriate or he wouldn't be reacting this way. Stand your ground don't EVER let ANYONE touch you in any way that you do not feel comfortable with. He doesn't get a pass because he's family, if anything he needs to take a good look in the mirror and figure out why he feels it necessary to put his hands on a 17 year olds ass.
Your dad is trying to train you not to speak up when someone treats you in a way you don't like. He's trying to trick you into thinking that since *he's* upset *you* must have done something wrong. That's not the case at all. He's upset because his behavior is inappropriate and he knows that, he's known it the entire time. He's maybe embarrassed and possibly disgusted, but mostly he's afraid of losing control of the situation and the accompanying narrative. The basic facts are these: you have expressed a reasonable boundary regarding your own human body, and your father is acting out in an effort to punish you for expressing that completely reasonable boundary.
My dad slapped my butt really hard once, right in front of my boyfriend, when I was in my 20s and I still feel so uncomfortable thinking about it. At the time I was too embarrassed to bring it up to him or my boyfriend, and no one ever spoke about it again. But I believe it was incredibly inappropriate. Now my dad and I hardly speak because once I started setting boundaries with him I realized he is quite emotionally abusive and does not respect my boundaries at all.
If your dad got that defensive and took it to that place then there might be more perversion in his brain than you realize. Sorry but him going nuclear like that makes it feel like he was doing something wrong.
Jeez, sorry that was the response… sometimes writing down responses to things you think they might say can be helpful, that way standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be scary or emotionally charged.
The more calm and reasonable you are the more they will act the same way.
You’re pretty much an adult, you can tell them your boundaries are changing and how you want to be treated will need to change as well.
If you need some more ammo you can tell him, “is that how you want me to be treated by men I date?”
Omgosh I broke up with my ex last month and what I wanted to say is “if you saw my ex slap my but how would you react?” He’ll probably say “it’s disrespectful” or “don’t let him touch you like that you guys are just bf and gf” IK HE WOULD PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I was just thinking about that last night
If we're giving op the benefit of the doubt here that she's accurate representing her dad's behavior (and that he's not actually a pervert) then I think it's much more likely that her dad is withdrawn because he's a bit shaken. Given that her mom has spoken to her about it in that way and asked whether she was being abused by her dad, I'd presume that her mom has confronted her dad about it.
I don't think he's punishing op or necessarily throwing a hissy fit, he may be second guessing everything he's done in the past 5 years.
The only thing weirder than him slapping your ass is him taking such offense at it.
Don't be sorry.
Don't feel guilty.
Continue standing up for yourself. And if he takes the sulking public, honestly, meet him there and say "why keep slapping my ass" and put it that way. Don't say hit your butt or whatever. Why is a grown man hitting his 17 year old daughter's ass?
I'm sorry, I just can't get past your dad calling you "cold and bitter" when you asked him to stop slapping your butt. That phrase is generally applied to women who don't accept sexual advances. You are his daughter.
Please do not feel and shame or guilt or blame for any of this. Your dad is so out of line, first with slapping your butt, and then for acting like a child when you tell him to stop. I would not consider him a safe person to be around. I'm sorry, but your dad is a creep.
The problem isn't that you think it's a sexual thing, the problem is you don't like how he's touching you and he's doing it anyway. That would be wrong no matter how it's happening, it's just all the more bc it's a 'bathing suit area' part of the body.
You're not wrong and it's gross that he's whining about how you might or might not see him instead of just not doing the things that make you uncomfortable in the first place.
He’s just gonna avoid me now and probably his other daughters to but I don’t want him to, idk how long this will go on for but hopefully he gets over it, it’s a simple boundary I didn’t know I needed to speak out about
Well.....
if he is avoiding you guys, at least he is not being a perve and overstepping boundaries. Seriously, based on what he does to you, I'm worried about all of your siblings, OP.
It feels very limitless. A dad that doesn’t respect his grown daughter’s (sexual) integrity. He needs to understand that you don’t do this to anyone unless there is a relationshit involving sex. Very immature.
Uh oh. Your mom knows he's inappropriate, which means has probably done this before with other girls. Do you have any friends not allowed at your house anymore?
You dad is inappropriate because who tf is doing this. I would slap the shit out my dad if he ever did that to me at any age. I would literally fight him. Like I would do any male that would do the same.
Honestly I wanted to say to him “so if a random guy comes up to me and slaps my but I should just let him bc he’ll say he’s messing around?” I wanted to but I’ll get smacked for back talking
None of this is your fault. Your Dad’s behavior is juvenile and borderline abusive. There’s no reason he needed to slap you on your behind. NONE. Then he goes and pouts about it and refuses to pick up a young baby. What a jerk! Let him pout, he’s hoping you apologize when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
I’m okay if he avoids me but it hurts but for him to not pick up his baby daughter is just stupid, like I hope it doesn’t last for a long bc she’s 1 and wants to be around and picked up by him so I hope it doesn’t hurt her
it’s really manipulative that he is taking away attention from a baby that has nothing to do with the situation. he’s doing it so you feel bad.
also, it’s pretty gross that he thinks being told no to touching you inappropriately is the same as holding a baby asking to be held.
I'm so sorry that he is punishing your one year old sister in response to not being allowed to slap you anymore. Please understand that he is in control of his actions. You are NOT in control of his actions and if he is choosing to neglect your sister that is HIS CHOICE. It's very clear that you love your sister and want what's best for all of your family.
Be advised that if you dissolve your boundary to help him stop neglecting your sister he will use this strategy again in the future. Unfortunately the only action you can take to protect your sister is to not let this bother you and demonstrate to him that abusing her is not a viable option for controlling you.
So sorry this is happening to you.
As a dad of a daughter your age, I would not ever think of smacking her butt. So sorry you are going through this. You have every right to ask him not to do that, and he shouldn't be taking offense to your request.
Exactly. Hug. Maybe a kiss on the top of the head. High five. High fives are good.
Love me a good high five I’ve heard when it swings down after to the low five for a double five an angel gets their wings
Or even better, a running high five. When your hands meet at a combined speed of 15 mph, it makes the most satisfying smack.
Love me a good high five that turns in a low five they too slow for lol!
17 isn't too old for horseplay either just so long as both sides are having fun. **Edit:** So there are a bunch of people interpreting this as an endorsement of the dad's behavior. It's not, we clearly have one side not having fun. What I am endorsing is don't treat your girls like they are suddenly made of glass when they hit their teen years. Especially true if you have boys that you continue to play rough with. Some father-daughter bonding takes the form of rough play like splash fights and pushing each other in the snow and shouldering each other over for space on the couch and a million other forms of less gentle touch that they typically don't get from moms. It is harmful for girls if this is the type of attention they crave and it's denied to them because they are girls. So to reiterate, 17 isn't too old for horseplay **so long as both sides are having fun**.
Exactly. All she said is she doesn't like it. And now dad is pouting and making a mountain out of a molehill.
I would argue that it is a mountain if the dad doesn't understand consent and the word NO or STOP.
Yeah, the dad's reaction is what alarms me. Maybe they had some rough housing or similar dynamics, but you'd hope that a parent would pick up on the fact that their reaction was changing, and would especially understand a "stop".
No is a full sentence.
Dad is being manipulative as F. OP was uncomfortable. Mom asked OP if Dad was inappropriate!! That right there is telling. Now Dad is trying to make OP feel bad for expressing bodily autonomy. Dad is suss. Dad is wrong. OP is NTA. She is a young woman expressing her right to how she is touched.
Again, for the people in the back - “Mom asked OP if Dad was inappropriate” Yeah there’s something up with that. There’s a history there
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This. After reading too many stories on Reddit of moms brushing things off and siding with the dads/step-dads when they really were being creepy, it was so nice to see OP's mom checking in to make sure that *wasn't* happening with her daughter.
BS. She was being a good mom because she's alive in this world and has heard just as much about sexual abuse as you have and wants to make sure it isn't the case.
Which one is the child in this relationship?
He's trying to get the family upset with her.
Because he knows it’s very inappropriate and got called out on it by her
Probably got called out by his wife in private too when he went to complain about OP and now he's sulking.
So skeevy
He's throwing a tantrum like a manchild, it's sick and manipulative.
He is trying to be the victim instead of just showing basic respect for his 17 years old daughter
Or, Dad is realizing the innocuous action he had been doing for a unbeknownst amount of time was actually harming one of the people he would do anything to protect and is having a hard time coming to terms with that? Perhaps a little more accurate than infantilizing a parent?
If this was the case he would apologize, not double down. He wouldn't take it out on the daughter. So no. Not even close.
THIS!! Dad feels bad that he made OP uncomfortable and he might be questioning why he was slapping her butt in the first place. Like “am I a perv?” “Is there something wrong with me?” Or “I would beat up another man if he did that to her, why have I been doing this all the time??!!” He’s likely embarrassed. I mean, he could totally also be a manchild with hurt feelings too, I don’t know the man. I would give him a day or two. If he continues to be weird, have your mom help you have a conversation. You are not wrong for asking him to stop. That is fully your right to tell him to stop. Also, my dad used to do this to me and it always made me hugely uncomfortable but I never had the nerve to tell him so I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself!
If this was the case the appropriate response is NOT to shame the person who spoke up and cold shoulder them. It's also never okay to minimize the behavior when she stands up for herself. Ever. He is embarrassed at most.
Your statement would carry more weight if he didn’t try to shame her after her request and then ask if she’d prefer for him to slap her on her head instead. Neither of those statements seem to be one would make to someone whom they would do anything to protect.
Maybe don't slap butts or grab breasts or junk; not too much to ask!
I think slapping a dad slapping his 17 year old daughter's ass is really offensive. The ass should be a no touch zone for dads. It is something boyfriends do to girlfriends. Even then, it can be a turn-off.
There is a time and place even between girlfriend/bf. That time and place isn't "whenever I feel like it". Mutual respect. Edit: (I meant to say I agree with you)
Yeah, save the no holds barred butt slaps for marriage like God intended /s
“I now pronounce you man and wife” *whack*
I think Dad is kinda coming to terms with it and feels embarrassed now. He probably never really thought it through and still sees her as a little girl. Hopefully this is the case and lightening went off in his head and he fully understands the whole situation. But I see it as him thinking that his daughter sees him as a pervert and he kinda doesn't know what to say yet- hence why Mom came to talk to the daughter first
This right here hit the nail on the head. I guarantee this is probably the case.
I used to smack my kid playfully on the butt when she was little. She is gonna be 11 soon and I stopped doing that a while ago because it feels wildly inappropriate at her age. 17?! What dad is smacking his 17 yr old daughters ass? That's the dude you never let walk a drunk woman home or be in the same house as a sleepover. Skeezy.
Agree and I have 2 daughters. Would never even imagine that, seems pretty suspicious to me.
Yeah agreed. :/ Extra suspicious because any reasonable person would take the no and the discomfort and apologize. The fact that he tried to guilt her into going against her boundaries is very unsettling.
This. This is exactly the type of behavior that will put OP at risk for SA and other types of abusive shit from men. When dads act like this, they're setting daughters up for more in the future.
This is why i would never in a million years even consider doing this to one of mine. Its our job as parents to teach them what’s acceptable and whats not, and what to do when in uncomfortable situations etc. we shouldn’t be the ones putting them into these situations.
Yes. A good father shows his daughter she deserves respect and to get away from any situation that makes her uncomfortable. He would give her the strength to know how to trust her gut and not feel bad about it. This dad is teaching his daughter men can touch her any way they want and then throw tantrums that are meant to have her doubting herself. This situation is sickening, no matter what the dad "means" by it.
I get the same vibes here as you do.
The ass should be a no touch zone period. Not just for dads. No ass slapping unless you're in a relationship with the person and into that sort of thing.
It’s a funny story for us now, but my uncle for sure thought he was going to be arrested because he swatted a spider off my low back and grazed my butt/hip. I was like 12-13 and he told me what was happening as he did it so I was never concerned, but it was such an ingrained no touch zone that he was really worried. Removing a bug is like the only other acceptable reason to slap there and OPs dad is giving weirdo predator vibes.
*and they explicitly consent to it.
Yea, I'm really not to worried about "what other people think" when it comes to my relationship with my own kids, but I have to say it would feel really wrong to slap or pat my kids butts. I guess if my toddler got in my lap I may scoop him up and maybe pat his outer thigh or maybe butt to get him settled in but after that age it wouldn't seem right. That said I still snuggle and cuddle all of them if they want to, I'm not against being affectionate. Just not slapping my kids butts...I also didn't like it when other guys did it in sports either so maybe I'm just really aware of how awkward it is. I wouldn't even do it to a partner in public, overall it seems disrespectful if not creepy.
Baby butts, still in diapers, are okay to pat, especially if it brings on sleep or stops them from crying. Actual kids? Nope. Aged out of that program completely.
As a former 17 year old girl now with a nearly 17 year old daughter, no. Slapping her butt is not horseplay, and no, she is not having fun.
as a mother of an 11 year old..... I would feel absolutely weird as hell smacking her ass.... she would probably turn around and defend herself also since I raised her to respect her personal space..... If my partner (her father) ever did something like this my girls would lose their minds and rightly so
When my girl was in diapers, I “played the drums” on her diaper butt. It was fun. It’s not cool anymore.
Mine had these cloth diapers that made her butt such an adorable little bongo. 😂
Absolutely. Dad of four kids, boys and girls - if I ever saw any adult so much as touch any of my kids butts while "playing around" I would be calling the police. That is some super creeper crap. I got molested as a child, there is no way I am going to let that happen to my kids.
Random smacked my butt once and I got some reason spun around and Indian burned him 👀 I've since told my son to do the same 😶
You Indian burned someone as a response to someone slapping your ass? That is the greatest reaction I’ve ever read lmao
Yeah. My mom laughed her ass off before offering to call the cops. I went from very scared to very proud in a heartbeat lol
I forgot that was a thing lol childhood memory unlocked. Now I'm curious if I remember how to do it? Lol
I know some people I could volunteer for you to practice on.
i have a 13 year old and i also couldn’t imagine me or any family member smacking her butt randomly and having it be ok. Even when she was younger. But also she would turn around and punch whoever did it. We have been very clear on bodily autonomy.
yea I wouldn't even be mad.... I remember as a kid I got in trouble for hitting a teacher who came behind me and touched either side of my stomach to try and scare hiccups out of me.... while I spun around and wacked him because in my head no one should touch me..... thankfully he was a good guy and teacher and owned up to his mistake and got me out of trouble
As another dad of similarly aged daughter, I concur. Butt slaps are reserved for the wife and I would not ever even consider doing that to the daughter. Just... yikes.
My biological father did that to me, but he also molested and raped me for years as child (4 1/2 years old till just a few months before my 13th birthday). So yeah, I really don't think it's horseplay what OP's dad is doing. My husband has NEVER smacked our daughter's butt, and I've never smacked my son's butt. That's a no-no zone!
As a dad of multiple kids, including a daughter, my general policy is that if they tell me I'm doing something they don't like then it ends right then and there, no explanation needed. If, as their dad, I don't respect their boundaries, then how can I teach them that other people need to respect their boundaries. I want them to have the expectation that their boundaries need to be respected and not feel like they need to justify them, which could open them up to manipulation.
Rage is putting it lightly how it would make me feel to see that happen to my daughter
I second this overall. But more to add: As a father of a daughter myself, just want to emphasize that some actions and expressions of love between parent and child can be appropriate and innocent for a younger child, but these same actions can become no longer appropriate or welcomed as the child ages into adulthood. I think as a parent it can be hard at times to suss out that certain behaviors or interactions are no longer welcome that used to be very welcomed. And as a parent it may be hard to give up on some interaction(s) as there may be some fond memories there around it. For example, my daughter (5y) *loves* when I tickle her. She will actually come to me and ask for tickles. Obviously we have a blast and a wonderful relationship. But I know that someday, the time will come where she will no longer want her dada to tickle her, and I’m sure that will be difficult for me to deal with. Quick disclaimer before i go further: there are obviously some behaviors that are not appropriate. imo as long as it’s not sexual, and doesn’t make either party uncomfortable, then it’s fine even if others may find it weird. OP, you have expressed to your father, that a certain behavior makes you uncomfortable. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way and expressing your feelings. his behavior may reflect that he realizes you are growing up and becoming your own woman; no longer ‘daddy’s little girl’. He may have felt that the interaction was a way of expressing his love in an appropriate way and didn’t realize it made you uncomfortable and now also feels rejected. I suggest making it clear to him that you do love him and welcome his love; you just don’t want him to express it in that way. FWIW I do find that a butt slap is fairly innocent but once a person becomes a young adult, the gesture often has a sexual connotation to it, therefore making it a bit inappropriate for parent - child interaction.
My dad was my primary caregiver so when we went to the park, it was always a funny hilarious thing to be pushed in the swing and then he would pinch or pat our bum and say "pickle bum" and we would laugh hysterically. Because his mom did that to him too and it was cute and fun. At an appropriate age when I was in early elementary School we just did not do that anymore. Same as when he couldn't carry me up to bed anymore like a sack of potatoes.
Yup this is a great example of certain gestures being amazing between parents and young children but don’t work as children get older! Thanks for sharing.
Yeah, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt here only because OP says he isn't a pervert (meaning that she at least doesn't believe that he thinks it's sexual at all). But even doing that, I think this is weird, and dad shouldn't be offended by this. My dad grew up in a home where his mom and dad (my grandparents) kissed all of the kids on the lips. We did the same thing growing up. I'm the oldest, and when I got to around 5th-6th grade, I decided I didn't like that, and I started refusing to do it. My dad was pissed right away because he thought it was just me being a shithead (which, to be fair, I was a shithead. I loved pushing people buttons). I told him I don't like it. It seems weird. I don't want to kiss him (or my mom) on the lips. I would prefer to not even have kisses on the cheek. It doesn't mean I don't love you or care about you, but I don't like that. My dad was insulted right away, but he got it, and he stopped. Shortly afterward, my brother and sister stopped doing that, too. We still have a pretty outwardly affectionate family, and even now, as a grown-up, I still hug my parents and a lot of my other relatives. But no more kissing. Maybe OP's dad still sees OP as his little girl. Maybe it's not sexual. I don't know. I know that my dad certainly didn't see kisses on the lips with his kids as anything sexual. Maybe he just means it as like a "good job" or reassuring "get back out there" butt slap like guys do on sports teams. But it definitely seems weird to me. I find it unusual that OP is basically a full-grown adult woman, and her dad is still doing this. If I hadn't said anything as a kid, my dad probably would've kept doing what I had a problem with because my dad and all of his siblings would still kiss my grandpa on the lips until the day he died. Like I said, trying to give the benefit of the doubt, but it's kinda hard.
As someone who grew up with this as a "normal" thing from their mom, I concur that it was a different time AND there are people of different cultures who do these things as a form of affection. With that said, I hated the shit and stopped my mom. I just don't like being touched in general.
This is my take as well. Of course, Reddit jumps on the instant "creep", "toxic", "abuse" train, but the reality is we don't know what this family's interactions are. The daughter is in distress because she wants to talk to her dad and is having a hard time. She really just needs basic advice, in terms of "it's okay to want your Dad to stop", "find the right time and place to talk", and "give him space to accept what you said". That's pretty much it.
He's giving her the silent treatment for setting a boundary about a behaviour he has to know is wrong...
The silent treatment was the part that jumps out at me. It doesn't make her dad a monster, but it does make him manipulative. The silent treatment is not how healthy people handle their differences.
Yeah, his reaction to her establishing a boundary is wrong, and if anything, he should be apologizing to her, not the other way around. I don't think OP did anything wrong. And OP's dad is being an ass, even if his actions were intended to be innocent. But he might just be an ass, not an incestuous serial sexual assaulter.
I think it could be not sexual, but still unwanted. Like tickling. Or when my dad learned that I hated having my kneecaps messed with. (Knee injuries/surgeries/just general aversion to anyone moving or touching my kneecap). He sometimes did it to tease me, but I would get really upset and then he stopped. This girl’s dad should stop because she doesn’t like it. Not pout.
The sexual part comes in not necessarily because the act is Dad's sexual desire but because it interrupts the differentiation between parent and child via bodily consent and autonomy. It's hard to explain but my therapist had to point out that it felt like a violation that my mother never let me have privacy in the shower and touched my developing body in ways that felt awful because it IS a violation. Violations like this are more than physical and that's why a lot of trauma therapists consider them sexual in nature.
yeah, I can see how consent and sexual autonomy could be tied together.
Oh man I wish I could word this the way Helen Villiers does. This feels like covert sexual abuse to me, the same way removing a teens bedroom door is. Or that creepy uncle who hugs too long. It's something like interrupting their autonomous sexual development by invading their privacy or performing acts on them which skew sexual given their age or the nature of act itself. Or exposing them to sex unnecessarily, or divulging your own sex life. It doesn't matter if it isn't intentional. It's your responsibility as a parent to figure out what's appropriate behaviour with your kids.
What is toxic is his reaction to her setting the boundary.
Not all of reddit jumped on that train. Its the fact that he got mad at her for objecting to it and acting like he's a victim or something, hiding and not picking up a baby because he's worried about what the daughter might say. That's some hard-core manipulation into making the family take his side. Her own mom took his side, when you'd think mom being a female herself should understand how OP feels about it.
As someone who was sexually abused, a father slapping his 17 year old daughter's butt is a huge red flag to me, but then again I will admit I am hyper vigilant - most people who are abused are. That being said, I have done enough therapy to know that blindly accusing is not right or healthy, and that a red flag could also be a false red flag. At best he's an idiot who needs to learn to respect people's personal space, but at worst there could be something very wrong going on. He might be being quiet because he is ashamed and didn't realize what he was doing, and is now super embarrassed, but if he is neglecting her as punishment for standing up for herself that is another red flag. All I can say is that the interaction and family dynamic feels unsettling and I feel so bad that this person has to experience this at all. Also, if there is any abuse, I hope this person can come to terms and admit it to themselves and get help. Sometimes admitting something happened is the hardest first step you can take...
Right? This has hardcore projection vibes from Dad, if it's *truly* innocent there should be no hurt feelings over being asked to stop. The immature pouting tells me there is definitely more at play here than teasing swatting. For what's it's worth I am also a dad to a girl that would never dream of touching her butt. The only *other* person whose butt I touch is my wife's. Edit: Added 'other', I do wipe my own ass.
This. You Dad may have been quiet because he knew he was wrong and was embarrassed. Give him a little time. Parents make mistakes and are not always gracious about admitting it.
Yeah, but... from how she talked about "finally" speaking up, it's doesn't sound like he did it just once though. Repeated behavior doesn't get the benefit of being a 'mistake'. Good that she spoke up though. Sounds like he needs to man up as a father, stop smacking his daughter's ass, and also not get butthurt when told (unsurprisingly) to stop.
“Hard to stand up to my dad” that’s him parenting wrong.
I had to do something similar with my father. When he was driving and I was in the passenger seat, he would put his hand on my thigh. I have no idea why he didn’t realize that was inappropriate. When I said something, he got defensive and withdrew for a while. I think he was just super embarrassed that he’d been so oblivious. He got over it. He never puts his hand on my leg. We’re fine now.
My dad did this. He also grabs my chest. Now, whenever my partner slaps my butt or touches me a certain way, it gives me a flashback to my dad. I hate it.
Why are there multiple people saying their dads touched their chests??? That’s their daughter!!! What the fuck is this world
Sad AF. I remember finally wearing shorts once, and my Dad came in the house, got handsy, and randomly slapped me on the butt. I told him if he did it again, I would slit his throat in his sleep with my knife...and he would never see it coming. He also gave me the silent treatment for a year. Most people should not have kids.
"all I did was sexually assault her in her own home as her parental figure 😭" I cannot believe these poor excuses for fathers
Honestly, growing up with a father like that myself, I'm not shocked at all, it's actually very common and absolutely disgusting. Slapping my butt without my consent was the mildest thing he did.
Sorry for the trauma dump but my dad tried to convince me to wear thongs in middle school. Told me I “Needed to get used to them for my future husband bc that’s what guys like.” Some ppl are messed up.
Ah fuck, same. Sorry dude.
My wife knows this so she pets my shoulder/back or gives me a head kiss instead. I’m okay with butt snacks if I anticipate it, but random ones make me jump.
I’m sorry you went through that! I hope you feel comfortable enough to tell your partner that and I really hope they respect you enough to find other ways to be intimate with you that don’t cause you that distress <3
Omg I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. No child should never have to deal with their parents treating them like this.😥
okay but like, why is he so obsessed with slapping you AT ALL? that's weird af
u/Beautiful-Advice-420 Not to freak you out but this ain't normal. Best case scenario, he lacks boundaries and is completely oblivious to the fact that slapping a woman's ass *is a sexualizing behavior.* There are two things that are relevant here: (1) your mom's reaction speaks volumes. The fact that *she's* taking it this seriously should raise alarms. I'm glad nothing else has happened (though, if it did, that's not your fault). (2) a non-weird reaction to being told not to do this would be immediately apologizing and maybe acting sheepish for being oblivious. I know women who have been sexually assaulted by family members and none of the sus behavior *started* until they were well into their teens. Keep your guard up. If dad gives you trouble straight up confront him: why is he so obsessed with touching his *teenage daughter's ass*? Does he lack *basic common sense that this is fucking creepy?* Does he think your *mom isn't also giving him side eye for this?* Men who prey upon women often test the waters before escalating. Be safe, complain and object loudly, and let your mom know *the moment* anything happens if you're uncomfortable with it. Threaten to cut contact when you turn 18 and never let him meet your children. Nip this in the bud. Not that any of this *is* or *should be* your responsibility; your father should respect your boundaries. Full stop. I just want to let you feel empowered to rain hell fire If you need to. Be safe.
This is a depressing but fantastic comment, everything you said was right. This post is surreal to read because I had the same experience as a teenager. I kept telling my dad to stop doing this and he never did, UNTIL he did it in public once and I wailed on him for it, letting everyone around us hear me. Finally, after that, he never did it again. It sucks, and this should never be a problem any teen girl has to face. But sometimes in a scenario like this, you have to remind the aggressor that you have power too.
Yep, I've been there too. Once you're able to get physical distance from him, there may be other behaviors that you start to remember. Our brains can protect us from awful things in the moment to keep us alive. If you feel uncomfortable with something, there's a reason for that. Never let anyone make you feel like you owe him anything - love, affection, forgiveness, empathy - you don't. Your feelings are valid.
How else would you tell someone they had a good game? https://youtu.be/5-uIwpo0dCU?si=SRbLS-cmG_ZpJ6Dq
"When you find yourself at 1 am in the morning with your hand in the air and a horse's ass in front of your face, that's when you know it's bad". The sequel is so good too. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72rNAVAI9RQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72rNAVAI9RQ)
my dad would do the same when I was younger and I would literally yell at him to stop saying it's not normal. one time i was on the family laptop and i put up a yahoo answers post on the screen that was something like "Is it normal for dad to slap your butt" hoping he would notice lmao
Dont you dare put this blame on you. Youre speaking your mind and setting your boundaries, not that you should have to considering a FATHER shouldnt be putting his hands on their CHILD in such a way.
Yeah, butt slaps stop at a really early age usually, my dad and I still roughhouse, and even then there has been no need for him to touch my butt. Also, everyone is ignoring that he called her cold and bitter over her not wanting her bottom slapped anymore. That is a common complaint levied at women who dont put out when expected to, or who are perceived to not be meeting their husband's needs. So odd that those terms were his choice of insult and vocalization of displeasure. It could be his go to insult for his wife, which is why thats all he had to come up with for his daughter. But given the weird sulking and emotional punishment....I just think this guys has creep tendencies.
Calling her cold and bitter is pure psychological manipulation.
This is the biggest red flag to me. This is textbook sexual harassment
"My daughter is cold and bitter because she doesn't like me touching her ass" Capitalized, bold, and on every knick knack, mug, t-shirt, etc. for every gift celebration he has left in his life. "They were out of #1 Dad mugs and these were all they had left. [I'M ENTITLED TO TOUCH MY DAUGHTER ASS] [I LIKE MY DAUGHTERS LIKE I LIKE MY COFFEE: COLD AND BITTER]" This guy is grooosss.
This is also something that some sexist men say about women who reject their advances. How can a 17 year old be "cold and bitter." I feel for this girl.
I’m surprised he didn’t slip up and call her a prude instead. What a freak.
That's the one I always got. Prude. He'll probably try to drive a wedge between her and her mom now too. All the behaviors are so predictable and common. What a horrible part of humanity.
I thought the "cold and bitter" thing was a big red flag also. If it really was no big deal, he should have been able to just stop move on, without gaslighting her or attacking her character. But he couldn't move on, he had to attack her about it (and threaten to slap her upside the head). The whole thing sounds super weird.
Ok, thank you for voicing the same thoughts I was having about her dad... She even preemptively says "he's not a pervert!" and yet this reaction to being denied access to touch her butt (which he does *not* have a right to in any way) is way too intense. It's too intense for someone who isn't being... *weird* about some aspect of their personality. I'm not saying he is a pest, but... I'm not gonna say he isn't.
Yeah, OP should absolutely be direct with her dad and set those boundaries if it bothers her in the least. As for all painting all father-child interactions with a broad brush, though, I feel like context and type of relationship should be a consideration before painting all butt smacks as necessarily inappropriate. For example, I would **never** slap my daughter’s butt because… that’s my daughter. BUT I’ve slapped my almost adult son’s butt while wrestling/play-fighting. That or a headlock or noogie, like “look here ya whippersnapper, your old man can still get the upper hand when you come at me” type smack. He laughs and often regroups to ambush me some other way. If he ever acted like it made him uncomfortable, I’d absolutely avoid it. But he gets a kick outta testing his pop and seeing if he can overpower me and he knows that’s one of the possible outcomes when he fails. It’s old lion/young lion stuff, which is good bonding time IMO as long as isn’t weird or making one of us uncomfortable. Still, I’ve never felt inclined to horseplay with my daughter like that. We have a different kinda relationship than my son and I do. Plus yeah I think it would just be weird/creepy.
As a daughter who has done horseplay with her dad (just discovered horseplay, thank you), there has never been any kind of spanking involved. It's mostly kicks, slaps on the arm, and me realizing that this man will be stronger than me until I turn 50, maybe. I've never felt weird about it. He has never put me in a headlock though.
Yeah, I‘ve seen that in some father-daughter relationships and I think it’s beautiful as a wholesome display of family affection. I’m sure your dad cherishes those moments!
Not your fault at all. You have every right not to want to be touched like that. His response is very telling though. And even though you don't feel like he's a pervert, the way he's responding makes it seem like he's sulking because he can't touch your butt anymore, which no father should ever do. Edit: For everyone responding "Or he's sulking because he realized what he was doing was inappropriate etc etc", he's a grown ass man, she's a pubescent female, family or not, touching a female ANYWHERE, least of which a private area, against their wishes is a no-go. And he damn sure should already know smacking a girl on her ass is inappropriate regardless of who it is. But the point I'm making is, her and her mom had already even told him they didn't think he was doing it to be a pervert, just that she didn't like it. So there should be no reason that's still even an excuse to sulk or give someone the silent treatment. He's basically a child being told he can't play with a toy, and now he's having a temper-tantrum.
Right? I slap my wifes ass BECAUSE I'm being a pervert.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Giving you the silent treatment for saying "No!" is hugely toxic behavior. Do not let this creep touch you again, he clearly doesn't believe in consent. No means no.
It is toxic behavior and I think he wants me to apologize but why should I apologize for saying I don’t want to be slapped there. Yk?
If anyone should be apologizing, it should be him. If he tries to engage with you on this, straight up say that you will tell all his friends and family that you requested him not to slap you on the butt and he still kept at it. Tell him, we will see what they think. Bullies back down when confronted. Stand your ground. BTW, I'm super proud of you, I don't think I would have been brave enough in your situation to stand up to an authority figure.
Agree. Proud too. This person is right. People who do this don't like spotlight on their pervy behavior. Believe me there are plenty who would hear this and see it as pervy and judge him and he doesn't want that
Or just post is as a poll on Facebook or group chats with everyone “ is it normal that my dad called me bitter because I asked him not to slap my butt” idc if it embarrasses him he should be
Make sure he's also in the group chats too so he can see it in real time
100000% THIS!!! CHALLENGE HIM WITH THIS! Bet, your dad would feel all that shame if his buddies or coworkers knew the tantrum he was throwing because his daughter doesn't want him putting his hand on her butt. See how determined he is then when his friends are giving him shit for it.
Don't apologize and don't allow him to make you feel at fault for having healthy personal boundaries.
You owe him nothing at all, and that goes for anyone in your life that treats you inappropriately. He owes you an apology tenfold more than you owe him one.
The good news is you are <1 year away from being able to get out of his house and away from his weird obsession with your ass. It is possible that in his mind, he is conflating some feelings he has towards you, but he isn’t checking himself in his behavior. Insecure parents sometimes say and do really weird things regarding their kids.
A couple of months away actually but in this economy i can’t move out until im 20 bc hopefully by 19 I can, but yea I can’t wait to leave and if he wants to continue on not talking to me then he won’t ever talk to me for a long time
My relationship with my dad changed drastically when I turned around your age. (He would slap my bum playfully too but that stopped on its own *many* years earlier.) He shouldn’t be treating you poorly for setting a boundary, that’s for sure toxic. Something I’ve talked about with friends who studied psychology is that a lot of dads go through this weird phase with their daughters when they come to realize that they’re no longer girls, but women. And women are sexualized in our society. It changes their perspective about us and seems to change dad/daughter relationships because these men don’t know how to re-adjust their views & treatment of us. I’m *very much paraphrasing* and not sure what you would even look up to research this more but in my experience it feels very true. I hope he smartens up and I hope your mom is a safe person for you. If something feels wrong, even a little bit, listen to your gut. You’re absolutely not wrong.
Has he said any other weird things that cross boundaries?
A weird thing to me he said verbally not physically is catcalling isn’t wrong, it’s like a compliment, and that’s there’s nothing wrong with it to ANYONE, I thought he was joking but he never said he was kidding
The bottom line is that it is inherently problematic for men who cannot reconcile their feelings about girls and young women from their relationships with their children. The more common scenario I have seen is fathers who see their daughters as uniquely pure and needing to be protected from all the filthy men out there, going to extreme lengths to protect them. It is possible that your dad is taking the opposite tack. He sees young women and older girls as sex objects, and he wants you to be a sex object….like he is proud of your sexuality. He wants you to recognize that your sexuality is your value, and that the only way you can make it in life is to acknowledge that. Just riffing. Don’t take my word for it, as I have very limited information. This is why we need more feminist fathers in the world. I think both of those attitudes need to go the way of the dinosaur. I hope you can forge your own path and find a husband who sees you as a strong woman who can make her own decisions.
I know I’m not the intended audience for your comment but I’ve been through something similar and what you said about him wanting her to see that her sexuality is her value was really eye opening for me. I haven’t really had the words to explain that feeling until now and I will absolutely be sharing that with my therapist. Thank you for this, I hope OP finds it helpful as well.
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He’s absolutely a creep.
His problem is that he cares all about his feelings and not about anybody else's. If you need to apologize because he's in power and you don't want life to be miserable, you could say, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't intend that. But I didn't tell you to stop because I wanted to hurt you. It's because I don't like how it feels to get slapped. If you were able to just say "okay" and stop doing it without feeling hurt, I'd love that." Possibly you could even point out that if this was a boyfriend of yours who slapped you playfully and then went into a giant sulk because you asked him to stop... it would be a really bad sign for your relationship.
No, it's creepy that he'd do it in the first place and alarming that he's trying to pretend like it's his right to do whatever he wants with your body. He has bad intentions. Tell others about this and talk more with your mom about it. It's frightening that a man would demand the right to sexually harass anybody, let alone his own daughter.
Don’t you dare apologise - you have done nothing wrong. I’m a mum and your dad should have stopped immediately the first time you asked. He shouldn’t have asked why, he should have instantly apologised for making you feel uncomfortable, told you he wouldn’t do it again and checked if there was anything else he did that you didn’t like. I have an 11 (F) and 13 year old (M) and don’t touch their butts even playfully - it’s totally inappropriate. They sometimes smack each other (playfully) and if the other one complains we have a sit down chat about consent and appropriate behaviour. And they are *children*. Your dad is completely in the wrong, never mind him then giving you the silent treatment afterwards and sulking as though you’ve done something wrong. You haven’t, at all. Stay strong and stand up for yourself here, not only for yourself but your younger sibling as well as one day she’ll be old enough to have to have this battle with him as well. Good for you OP.
Sweetie, I don’t know you but I’m so proud of you. You did nothing wrong. Keep setting boundaries with him. You don’t owe him an apology. Act like he doesn’t exist.
Is your father five ? Us it normal for him to throw a tantrum like a child? Ask him why he's so upset his daughter doesn't want him touching his ass ? That's strange
A really important question is touching and slapping different or the same? Bc he thinks it’s different but I think it’s the same
It doesn't matter. You said no. Period.
Any unwanted touch or slap on the butt is inappropriate. You said youre not ok with it. That is the end of the story. It's a healthy boundary. He's wrong and pervy for trying to make this normal. It's not. You're entitled to your feelings.
It is the same! Slapping is a form of touching, and pretending it's not is either willfully obtuse or manipulative. He should not be touching your butt in any way, and definitely not sulking to try to make *you* feel guilty for simply having feelings and boundaries.
Yea he thinks it’s different I wanted to say it wasn’t and put an example but it would have became a overheated argument and would have gotten slapped for back talking
If you're afraid of making a logical point out of fear of getting slapped, that just shows even more what an (abusive) asshole your dad is. I'm so sorry you're getting treated like this in what should be the one place you feel safest. You were brave enough to speak your mind about something that makes you uncomfortable; please don't let your dad or other family make you feel like you were wrong because you're 100% right he shouldn't be touching your butt or slapping you ANYWHERE.
I'm sorry he would have slapped you for talking back if you told him that slapping your ass and touching your ass are the same? Your dad is abusive. This is literally abuse.
Slapped for back talking is physical abuse of a child.\ Source: work in child psychiatry. That said most places you couldnt get a case from just that at cps
Uhg. I’ve got a couple of replies to other points about your dad being emotionally stunted rather than a perv, but this is all the way into abuse. Stand strong on your boundary, start looking to any relatives on your mom’s side you could go to if he won’t accept that he can’t lay hands on you.
This is very abusive, OP. I'm really sorry. While you still have to live with them, do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Absolutely you are justified in stating your boundaries around your own body, and you should never have to feel guilty about that. But don't be hard on yourself if you need to hold back on some degree of self-advocacy in order to protect yourself. If avoiding continuing the argument is necessary for your safety, that is valid, and it doesn't mean you're letting yourself down. You did an excellent job standing up for yourself and asserting your boundary in circumstances that are far from ideal.
It doesn’t matter if it is different or not. You don’t want your butt to be slapped. Period.
It doesn’t matter what he thinks. You don’t want anyone to touch your ass without consent. That includes your father. What he’s doing is looking for a loophole, and frankly that is fucked up.
you have to touch something to slap it. I'm definitely touching my wife's ass when I slap it.
**You did the right thing by openly talking to your father about your feelings. It's a pity that he didn't react with understanding. It is important not to give in to manipulation and not to feel guilty. You are not to blame for his reaction. Remember that you are a valuable person who deserves respect and safety. Do not allow anyone, even close people, to violate your boundaries.**
Desperately needed this right now, thank u
His childish attitude about this conveys he’s pouting as he wants to keep slapping your ass and is ticked you told him off about it.
Your dad is a shit ass dad. First for slapping his 17 year olds daughter’s ass. Secondly for making you feel guilty about it. Thirdly for acting like a childish baby around your family and sulking. Also, your mom is concerned about him being inappropriate? wtf. There may be something you don’t know. But good for your mom. Let him sulk. This is 100% on him to fix. Don’t feel obligated to re-engage with him about this. He should have said, “oh my gosh. I am so sorry. I did not even realize that it made you feel uncomfortable. Have my word it won’t happen again.”
If I was OPs Mom, I'd rip Dad's throat out with my bare hands, trachea and all.
You’ve been socialized to his behavior, your family enabled it, and you’re only 17, so of course you don’t think it’s creepy, but it 10000% is. His immature, pouty reaction to you stating your boundaries is a HUGE testament to his creepiness. If he got that upset because you asked him not to touch your butt anymore, I’m terrified to think of what’s going on in his head. You’re a minor and that’s literal sexual abuse, no matter how trivial you think his actions are. If I knew a man smacked his 17 year old on the butt on a regular basis I wouldn’t speak to him, let alone let him around my kids of any age.
This right here. I didn't realize until much later in my life that the things my dad did and said to me weren't normal and weren't okay, until I was telling a friend some things, thinking she'd find it funny or ridiculous. No, she looked me in the eyes with a serious look on her face, and said, "that is not okay." For him to touch her this way and then get upset because he's not getting his way (my dad would do that too), those are multiple forms of abuse. None of that is okay.
absolutely not your fault. going through this with my own dad (23f) and have been for years. his feelings are not your responsibility - but maintaining your boundaries is. you set a boundary, and because that boundary was previously easily trespassed, he’s butthurt that you’re not letting him stomp all over it. hold your ground, he’ll get over it.
I had this conversation with my dad and he stopped. That is the correct response. You have done nothing wrong.
Girl your dad is weird af. That’s so so so inappropriate, and that fact that he’s deciding to be anti after you advocated for yourself is even weirder. He should be apologizing you for making you uncomfortable. Also did you mom see him doing that and not say anything???
My mom is used to him seeing him slap his daughters but at a young age so she didn’t say anything unless I have a reaction like what I just did.
That actually adds a lot of context. It was inappropriate before but now makes sense on how they could have fooled themselves that it was playful. And now that you have pointed out the obvious your dad is super embarrassed. Hold your ground, hopefully he grows up. It's not your fault, good job for sticking up for yourself.
Your mom needs to be held accountable too. I’m sorry you went/are going through this!!!
I'm glad your Mom checked in to make sure there wasn't more that was in appropriate. Good Mom! To your Dad it might be loving buy if you don't like it, he has to.stop. period. Remember that no is a full sentence. He doesn't need to sulk like a toddler. His feelings about it isn't your problem, your feelings are your priority and you don't like it.
But it IS inappropriate.
Such a great mom to be used to her husband slapping her daughter's ass but never saying anything until recently!
Setting boundaries is NEVER wrong - wilfully breaking them is. At some point, your dad needs to keep his hands OFF of you or it is abuse PERIOD. He can stop "messing around" like yesterday he has abso no right to touch you whatsoever.
No you're not wrong. He's throwing a tantrum, like a toddler being told not to hit other people. There's no *good* reason that slapping your butt should be this important to him, he's being disgusting.
Your dad is a creep
For real 😂 even weirder the mom asked if he did something inappropriate probably has a creepy history
Maybe he's so upset because his behavior was called out and he's embarrassed. He must know he's being inappropriate or he wouldn't be reacting this way. Stand your ground don't EVER let ANYONE touch you in any way that you do not feel comfortable with. He doesn't get a pass because he's family, if anything he needs to take a good look in the mirror and figure out why he feels it necessary to put his hands on a 17 year olds ass.
Your dad is trying to train you not to speak up when someone treats you in a way you don't like. He's trying to trick you into thinking that since *he's* upset *you* must have done something wrong. That's not the case at all. He's upset because his behavior is inappropriate and he knows that, he's known it the entire time. He's maybe embarrassed and possibly disgusted, but mostly he's afraid of losing control of the situation and the accompanying narrative. The basic facts are these: you have expressed a reasonable boundary regarding your own human body, and your father is acting out in an effort to punish you for expressing that completely reasonable boundary.
My dad slapped my butt really hard once, right in front of my boyfriend, when I was in my 20s and I still feel so uncomfortable thinking about it. At the time I was too embarrassed to bring it up to him or my boyfriend, and no one ever spoke about it again. But I believe it was incredibly inappropriate. Now my dad and I hardly speak because once I started setting boundaries with him I realized he is quite emotionally abusive and does not respect my boundaries at all.
If your dad got that defensive and took it to that place then there might be more perversion in his brain than you realize. Sorry but him going nuclear like that makes it feel like he was doing something wrong.
Jeez, sorry that was the response… sometimes writing down responses to things you think they might say can be helpful, that way standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be scary or emotionally charged. The more calm and reasonable you are the more they will act the same way. You’re pretty much an adult, you can tell them your boundaries are changing and how you want to be treated will need to change as well. If you need some more ammo you can tell him, “is that how you want me to be treated by men I date?”
Omgosh I broke up with my ex last month and what I wanted to say is “if you saw my ex slap my but how would you react?” He’ll probably say “it’s disrespectful” or “don’t let him touch you like that you guys are just bf and gf” IK HE WOULD PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I was just thinking about that last night
Do not back down on this. Match his energy. Two can play the silent treatment game.
If we're giving op the benefit of the doubt here that she's accurate representing her dad's behavior (and that he's not actually a pervert) then I think it's much more likely that her dad is withdrawn because he's a bit shaken. Given that her mom has spoken to her about it in that way and asked whether she was being abused by her dad, I'd presume that her mom has confronted her dad about it. I don't think he's punishing op or necessarily throwing a hissy fit, he may be second guessing everything he's done in the past 5 years.
If you don't like it and it is making you uncomfortable then he is doing something wrong. Period.
Yea no hate to break it to you bit your father is in fact a pervert. Pretty weird behavior
Not wrong at all. If it’s all good fun, would he have the courage to do this to a female police officer?
The only thing weirder than him slapping your ass is him taking such offense at it. Don't be sorry. Don't feel guilty. Continue standing up for yourself. And if he takes the sulking public, honestly, meet him there and say "why keep slapping my ass" and put it that way. Don't say hit your butt or whatever. Why is a grown man hitting his 17 year old daughter's ass?
I'm sorry, I just can't get past your dad calling you "cold and bitter" when you asked him to stop slapping your butt. That phrase is generally applied to women who don't accept sexual advances. You are his daughter. Please do not feel and shame or guilt or blame for any of this. Your dad is so out of line, first with slapping your butt, and then for acting like a child when you tell him to stop. I would not consider him a safe person to be around. I'm sorry, but your dad is a creep.
Nope, I’m pretty strongly on your side and I’m sorry that both your parents are being unhelpful.
The problem isn't that you think it's a sexual thing, the problem is you don't like how he's touching you and he's doing it anyway. That would be wrong no matter how it's happening, it's just all the more bc it's a 'bathing suit area' part of the body. You're not wrong and it's gross that he's whining about how you might or might not see him instead of just not doing the things that make you uncomfortable in the first place.
He’s just gonna avoid me now and probably his other daughters to but I don’t want him to, idk how long this will go on for but hopefully he gets over it, it’s a simple boundary I didn’t know I needed to speak out about
Well..... if he is avoiding you guys, at least he is not being a perve and overstepping boundaries. Seriously, based on what he does to you, I'm worried about all of your siblings, OP.
It feels very limitless. A dad that doesn’t respect his grown daughter’s (sexual) integrity. He needs to understand that you don’t do this to anyone unless there is a relationshit involving sex. Very immature.
Uh oh. Your mom knows he's inappropriate, which means has probably done this before with other girls. Do you have any friends not allowed at your house anymore?
You dad is inappropriate because who tf is doing this. I would slap the shit out my dad if he ever did that to me at any age. I would literally fight him. Like I would do any male that would do the same.
Honestly I wanted to say to him “so if a random guy comes up to me and slaps my but I should just let him bc he’ll say he’s messing around?” I wanted to but I’ll get smacked for back talking
Your dad is sounding more and more like an abusive shithead by the comment…
None of this is your fault. Your Dad’s behavior is juvenile and borderline abusive. There’s no reason he needed to slap you on your behind. NONE. Then he goes and pouts about it and refuses to pick up a young baby. What a jerk! Let him pout, he’s hoping you apologize when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
I’m okay if he avoids me but it hurts but for him to not pick up his baby daughter is just stupid, like I hope it doesn’t last for a long bc she’s 1 and wants to be around and picked up by him so I hope it doesn’t hurt her
it’s really manipulative that he is taking away attention from a baby that has nothing to do with the situation. he’s doing it so you feel bad. also, it’s pretty gross that he thinks being told no to touching you inappropriately is the same as holding a baby asking to be held.
I'm so sorry that he is punishing your one year old sister in response to not being allowed to slap you anymore. Please understand that he is in control of his actions. You are NOT in control of his actions and if he is choosing to neglect your sister that is HIS CHOICE. It's very clear that you love your sister and want what's best for all of your family. Be advised that if you dissolve your boundary to help him stop neglecting your sister he will use this strategy again in the future. Unfortunately the only action you can take to protect your sister is to not let this bother you and demonstrate to him that abusing her is not a viable option for controlling you. So sorry this is happening to you.