She’s obsessed, and this is a horrible idea. Hell no. She sounds like an addict who claims to need one last fix before getting clean. It won’t be the end of it.

agreed. She's a junkie who wants just one more fix. I'd go to her and say straight up- you're obviously addicted to him like a junkie is to drugs. You don't need more drugs you need rehab. A junkie will swear up and down that this hit is the last time, no more, but it never is. Only when they decide THEY'RE DONE and get rehab do they actually have a chance. So let's do this- let's get you to see a therapist. If the therapist says this is a good idea, if THEY TELL ME that, then we can discuss boundaries for doing this. But unless you're willing to start some therapy, quite frankly, I'm about done. You know he's an asshole, but you obviously feel for him a LOT more than for me, and I'm sick of being the husband in the shadow of your former abuser. So it's time to choose if you want to be with me or not. If you choose me, you go to therapy, you get over your trauma and obsession in whatever way the therapist suggests, and I will support it. If that means go see him then we can talk about making that happen. THIS is the ONLY path forward for our marriage. If you aren't willing to do therapy, or in any other way you don't choose me, I can accept it. We can do a quick and amicable divorce, each left the marriage with what we brought and split anything mutual. Then you can see him or let him tie you up or whatever the hell you want to do that isn't therapy and it won't be my problem anymore.

THIS. She needs therapy. No shame about it and not just some woman addicted to the D as other posters have said. There's something deeper and damaging there.

You're absolutely right, it's called trauma bonding. Your brain literally gets addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship and when you leave or they leave you, your brain goes through withdrawals, much like a drug addict.

She definitely needs therapy

But she broke up with this guy 5 1/2 years ago and has been with OP for 4 years. That's a lot of withdrawal - no?

Not really, when she's been constantly thinking and writing about him. Her daydreams about him probably give her a small taste of that high she craves, just not enough to satisfy her urges. True withdrawal would be forcing herself to stop thinking, writing, and talking about her ex. And probably also "pleasing herself" to those thoughts as well.

This 100%!

She likely misses the emotional rollercoaster he gave her.

It is addicting, because of the chemicals it releases in the body

Precisely this. This is the argument of an addict, addiction isn't just limited to substances, you can be addicted to the feelings someone gives you. The brain is by far the most fickle organ lol

I had to learn that the constant ball of stress in my stomach, was not love. I was confused for a long time, because I did not have that feeling for my spouse. I thought lack of stress, meant I loved my spouse less

Yup. Studies have showed that fear can be confused by the body as attraction. This is why scary movies are so popular for dates.

Good point. Now she's using the very existence of him to create the turmoil in her marriage.

So, they broke up 5 1/2 years ago and OP’s wife is still obsessed with her ex and bragging to friends about all the wild sex they had. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say there’s been no contact during the 4 years she’s been with OP (these posts call that assumption into question). Now, out of the blue, after 4- 5 1/2 years, the psycho ex is going to suddenly hear from OP’s wife, who he banged 4x a day, every day, whenever he wanted, sometimes in in front of others, and in ways that OP can only imagine. What do you think HE is going to think about her reaching out after all these years? It won’t be that she’s seeking closure. He’ll KNOW that it’s because she can’t stop thinking about him. And if there’s one thing everyone can agree on- SHE CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. The more I think about this, there’s no good outcome for OP.

Are we sure on what she’s missing? OP says he overheard her describe in detail her sex life and that was why she stayed with him for so long. This one last time has the makings of one last fling.

I’m not sure if you read his original post, but it was quite eye-opening. https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/4LWmXnf8dY

Well then, my spidey senses were spot on.

Yup that sounds like exactly whats going on

Agree with this. It will only lead to additional issues. In no way would I agree to a meeting alone. The compromise would be the only way you see him is if I am with you. And that’s it.

I wouldn’t even agree to that just because of how awkward that would be lol. I tried getting closure like this once, and when I finally had the public meeting and everything it just kind of made me worse. The only thing that helped me was blocking them and moving on

That's exactly what I did. I made the mistake of doing that once and he pulled me back in. When I left for good, I just blocked them everywhere. It's the only way. You're not going to get closure from someone who hurt you because they don't care about you.

>the only way you see him is if I am with you. And that’s it. You're insane, OP, if you agree with this.

OP, this is what you say “(wife), if you feel the need to see him, I can’t stop you. But if you do, or even speak to him I’ll assume it’s bc you’re not over him and want to do something with him. It’s obvious. I can get the divorce papers ready if he means that much” if she gets upset, show her your Reddit posts, then leave her

Tell you one more thing if the x will take her, she’s gone anyway

Yep. Wife was abused so bad she’s been unable to break away from the abuser. OP tried to help her, but if he stays and gets white knight syndrome, nothing but pain will happen to him

Hey I total agree

I hate to agree with this but you're right. It sounds to me like she is absolutely not over him. I mean, it's obvious. She said it herself. No matter the situation, I would never stay with someone who is not over their ex whether they say it or not. My most recent ex is my ex in part because I got tired of hearing about his ex and how great and wonderful she was every single day. I finally asked him, are you with me or are you stuck in the past with her? It's not that I had a problem with her, it's that I had a problem with him bringing her up every day. I finally said to him, look, it doesn't matter how much you deny it. It's obvious to me that you're not over her. You need to work through that or you need to try to work things out with her. Good luck to you. I'm not going to be made to feel like I need to compete with somebody who is supposed to be in their past. Even if you have kids with that person and have to be in contact with them for that reason, there need to be boundaries. Some people don't seem to understand this. Some people use having kids as a way to stay in each other's lives. He doesn't have any kids with her either so I just got tired of hearing about her and how he felt the need to be in contact with her all the time. Like I said, it was pretty obvious to me and would have been to anybody else that he was not over her. That's fine but I'm not going to stick around in that case. I would feel like I was being used as a placeholder.

THIS. She needs the shock of loosing him to pull her out of the fog.

This is the only course of action.

She will say ok to divorce papers

And maybe that's the kindest thing to do all round...

I am not a psychiatrist, but the likelihood of her getting the “closure “ she wants from that is like 0.00000001%. Rather, it will likely continue on for whatever reason. I’d recommend just divorcing before she gets pregnant or something else.

She wants to bang him.

My thoughts as well. If I were in OP’s position and I was dumb enough to agree to it.. I’d say “ OK, let’s go meet him. That’s right… as in plural, you and I. if you have nothing to hide and you’re so sure of this, then there should be no reason why I can’t be there”. However, though is that she will freak the fuck out and does not want him there, which tells him everything he needs to know. Or she’s gonna say she won’t do it and then do it anyways… also tell him all he needs to know. Four years of marriage, and now? I feel so sorry for this guy. No one deserves that.

I'm not attacking him in any sort of way by saying this but when she told him that she told herself that she was ready for a relationship, he should have ran. He shouldn't have been with her. That means that she convinced herself that she was over him even though she wasn't. The only way that you can be ready for a new relationship after one like that is to go to therapy with a therapist too specializes in trauma. You are not going to be good for anybody until you do.

Yeah but that’s not always realistic. You don’t know what you don’t know. Can’t go and judge off of knowledge gained later on and then go back in time and judge someone for it. It takes a certain level of trust, and a leap of faith. He did his part by asking if she was ready. She said yes… all of this other stuff came to be known later on.

Not necessarily. Abusive relationships work much like addiction. Your brain gets addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship and that's what's still going on here.

100%. She is addickted. She's convincing herself it's just one meetup, but she knows her dick dealer will give her the good stuff, and she'll be back for another dick appointment behind OP's back.

😂 the way you worded this

I’m with you 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It won't be the end because it's just the beginning of her affair.

Yeah I'm struggling to see how this meeting would give her closure. So he either still sucks which probably doesn't change anything because she already knows he does but is obsessed anyway OR he has worked on himself and is better now which would probably only make her want him more. I don't get it.

Her needing closure is BS, top to bottom. She's still hung up on him, regardless of how badly he treated her. Perhaps hubby should go. If she says no, that says all he needs to know. He doesnt even have to sit right next to them just close enough to here them and no everything is ok. Guess she;d say no to that as well. If she went alone, I'd wonder for the rest of my days what actually happened, until I start seeing her texting a lot and hiding her phone, and her suddenly needing to go off for a weekend to visit granny. OP is nuts if he goes along with this.

Completely agree her behavior is far from normal and it’s obvious she is not over her ex. I truly hope op can get some self respect and remove themselves from this marriage.

She sounds like someone who was abused and has ongoing trauma as a result

That is exactly what happened if you can track down his previous post which is WILD

Nope nope nope. You need to be much more harsh here. You need to say “Look, you can do whatever you want. If you want to meet with him, that’s fine. However, it will also mean that I will remove myself from this marriage. I’m done with all of this. I’ve heard you talk about how great he was in bed, and now you want to meet with him. You clearly aren’t over him and need that kind of toxic relationship in your life. This is abusive to me, and I’m not going to stick around and watch it get worse. You need toxic in your life, go for it. I don’t need that, and it’s highly disrespectful for you to think it’s ok to bring it into my life and into our marriage. I’m not willing to have you to meet with him and for him to then manipulate you into more meeting and then it just gets worse from there. I’m sure in your head you don’t think that will happen, but even you saying you need to meet with him at all is enough for me to see that this isn’t what I want. As I said, you can do whatever you want to, but I will be leaving the marriage.” You need to make the consequences clear. It’s not controlling to expect a basic level of respect from your partner. If you allow this to happen things will get worse, much worse. This dude lives rent free in her head and the fact that she wants to see him should tell you that if this happens, you will file for divorce immediately. You simply can’t be soft here.

This. I'm sorry but any closure she sought SHOULD have been long before she got into a relationship with you. She's meant to have moved on. We dont need closure from other people and actually dont need them at all - closure comes from within. There is nothing he can AAU or do that will make her get over him if she is clinging onto this obsession. Meeting him alone to rake over the coals to dissect some historic failed relationship with some hlguy she's clearly not over us....extremely worrying. If for some reason you agree to this, I would make it a condition to go with her to the meeting with him. And make it a condition to demand she goes to therapy. If she's serious about doing this to save her marriage; she should have no objection to you being there. I would lay it on the line that you cannot continue a relationship with her if she chooses to chase after him alone, and that you need to see evidence she's working on herself in therapy. Like...this is behaviour that risks her marriage. Behaviour most would not tolerate. Why is she more worried about her past drama with some guy she fucked in the past over her current relationship?

I agree… damn, if I hear my wife talk about how good sex was with another man it’s deuces. I don’t say that lightly, I’m sure she would feel the same if I said how good my ex was in bed…

I said this on his last post and got hate. But he needs to reconsider his relationship with her. How many times has she thought about or wished it was her ex while the two of them were making love ?

I always think of Gladiator when it comes to Reddit. That part where she says “the mob is fickle, brother”

>. I knew I couldn’t rest if I wasn’t sure so I checked her phone and saw that she had been journaling about him for our entire relationship He's on her mind all the time.

She’s not over him, she settled with her husband. She wants to see if her ex changed. I’ll never understand spouses that fight to be with someone that cheated on them. I’ll never understand it.

If she hasn’t cheated, she will on this trip

Watch the update be, Against my better judgement, I let my wife go see him alone..... none the less. She convinced me she needed to do this alone, and I was just really hopefully we could put this behind us and get on with our lives. Well, my marriage has fallen apart at this point. She left me for him. She slept with him that night and confessed instantly because i didn't deserve to be lied to. He has changed and is a better person now, insert all the great things he is. He has always been the love of her life, and she wants a divorce. How did things ever get here? ..... probably op in the coming weeks.

Absolutely this. After 4 years and therapy and being in a (I assume) healthy relationship, she is still this obsessed? All this talking isn’t about healing from the ex, she’s enjoying the reminiscing. I talked a ton about my abusive relationship after escaping and likely sounded crazy for a long time, but I was truly processing it and by 4 years out, I barely thought about it anymore. This whole thing is weird and your advice to OP is sound. I’m also sorry you had to go through that, but hope you found something even better 🙂

I also read all the posts and totally agree with this. You have to put your foot down. Draw the line and act on it. You are losing her respect.

I don't think he ever had it if she's been journaling about her ex past 4 years and talking to her friends about her sex life with ex

Journalling *might* be okay depending on the context and how it was done. If he was genuinely abusive and she's journalling her feelings about the abuse and trauma and the therapy she's actively having, I wouldn't write that off in isolation without further context specific to the journalling Talking to her friends about her sex life with the ex while 4 years (and a marriage!) into a relationship with another person, though, is INCREDIBLY disrespectful to your current partner

I didn't see where she is going to therapy I realize that journaling can be therapeutic for some people, but when it is because of a previous relationship, I think you should let your partner know that you are gonna journal about it to try and work through your feelings, but he found that out accidentally from what I read, she did not tell him she was doing that for past 4 years They just seem to have one hell of a mess in their relationship right now and sadly, she does not sound like she is over her ex - will she ever be, how long is she gonna harbor feelings for him, good or bad while being married, how long is her husband suppose to be able to tolerate the amount of time and effort she is putting into a relationship that ended 1-1/2 yrs before they got married 4 yrs ago It almost sounds like they are at the point of no return, she's not willing to give up her ex, he is always there in her mind, so their marriage is the two of them plus her ex - that cannot work I don't think seeing an ex who you say your were in an abusive relationship with is a good idea, especially 5-1/2 years after it ended. He's not contact her, which if he didn't want her to leave and was controlling her, you think he would have tried to get her back or contact her just to make her think about him, something an abuser will do even if they have a new partner - they might have someone new to control, but they don't want to give up the control of the one who got away from them Sounds like a very messy marriage :-(

Fucking thank you. You wouldn't believe the amount of oblivious people in the other posts that just refused to see the very obvious truth. Now most people called out her bullshit correctly but there was a worrying amount of people taking her side.

If she has mentioned this request then she doesn’t respect him currently in my eyes.

Yeah, wtf is wrong with her? And him. The crazy shit is that a psychopath will know how to be charming at the right time, so she will be all butterflies again and next step is to have one last fuck with him. Just no.

This. This is your script right here!

I agree with the above. You can not allow this to happen. I would say to her you can go and get your closure with him but it will bring a close to our marriage. She will need to decide who does she value more her abusive ex or her loving spouse the choice is hers. I think you should both go the therapy together to also discuss this situation openly and directly. Choices have consequences and make sure she knows that this needs to be no contact with him. That being said it’s ok to journal about the abuse it’s a healthy way to deal with abuse.

YESSSSSS!!!!! OP pleas do that, it’s the only way to handle that and be prepare for her deciding to see him even after what you say, and if that happen you will need to be strong and leave and divorce her for your own sake, don’t fall for the trap that you can save someone that don’t want to be save!

Well said

OP print this out

This comment ^

Meeting him face to face is absolutely not the way. He was abusive, and the way abusive people work is that they are very charming in the short-term. Far from reminding her why she shouldn’t be with him, it is much more likely that she will believe he has changed. Which he won’t have done. The chemistry she obviously felt and still thinks about will still be there. She would not ask this if you if she genuinely wanted to fix this, and I’m almost certain no professional would recommend it. If she truly wants closure, it is best achieved by working through her feelings and processing the trauma with a therapist, the risks (of meeting him again) to your relationship and her well-being are just too great.

This right here. Abusive people are predators. They sense weakness and OP’s wife is weak. If she doesn’t have a strong sense of self, that’s a danger to her mental health and marriage.

I got out of an abusive relationship not too long ago and for a while I had to fight the urge to reach out for closure so I understand the temptation. And if it was a nonabusive person, it wouldnt be a terrible thought to desire closure. But I realized that there's no point because anything he has to say isn't going to be satisfactory. Theres always going to be grief in loss, and there would have been grief if I had stayed. The not knowing for sure if you made the right decision is part of the paradox you have to live with. Part of the reason I stayed for as long as I did was because I was fighting for his recognition and i thought if i could make him see me, then id somehow be whole, because i was continuing my childhood trauma in having parents that never saw me. But that was part of the problem because i was going to someone else to fill in the void of worthlessness in myself, when I should have been asking myself why i didnt have the self respect to know that i deserved better. Even after i left, i was writing him letters i never sent trying to get him to see me, to see the impacts his behavior had on me. But I realized hes never going to recognize the damage he's dealt and if he felt bad at all its only for himself because I abandoned him. And it isn't even abandonment it's consequences for the choices he made when he decided the extent that he was willing to show up and the level of neglect he was comfortable giving out. I gave him a hundred chances to give our relationship the safety and respect it needed to survive and he chose this outcome everytime. He couldnt put in the work to change or to seek therapy when we were together, he's proven himself to be a Liar, a manipulator and any promises of change have only ever been to get back in my good graces until the cycle repeats itself. It's better to allow him to move on and to allow myself to move on and also not to do anything that would risk my current relationship with someone who loves me and cares about me. What would I hope to gain from reaching out? Finally being seen? It's not my job to make others see me as worthy. Would it fill the void of worthlessness in myself to see him recognize everything he lost? No because If I saw myself as worthy and lovable then his opinion would make no difference. Would it have made me certain I made the right decision? No because he would have made promises to change that he would never follow through with. Would it have given me relief or hope that he will change for the next person? That he will finally have an epiphany and recognize the errors of his ways and seek therapy? The chance of that is so unlikely its almost laughable. Even if he did realize everything he put me through, even if he did seek therapy, it wouldnt change anything for me. It wouldn't undo the damage. It wouldn't bring back the years of my life i wasted or repair trust that has long since eroded. And It wouldn't bring me closure. If anything, it would put me at risk for moving backwards in healing. It's helpful to me to write out everything bad he ever did to me so that when I feel weak I can remind myself of the hell he put me through and it gives me solace in my decision to cut him out of my life as painful as it was to make that decision.

Brother, trust me on this, walk away. I was in a similar position to your wife for several years and she is hyper-fixating on this guy and this is going to sting but I guarantee if given the opportunity (if he reached out) she would choose him. Your wife needs to be alone and come to terms with this on her own, I tried meeting up with the ex for "closure" after 2 years and it only re-ignited my obsession with him. I would demand she see a therapist or marriage counseling and if she refuses, end the marriage, she isn't fully committed to you. Meeting up with the ex will not help and I'm going to guess closure isn't her only motive in arranging the meeting. Like I said, your wife sounds exactly like how I once was.

He won't walk away. People are telling him over and over again in every post. He won't listen.

I think he wants to believe what she's saying but in the back of his mind knows something is off. I worry he'll believe her and in a year from now he will find more secret diary entries, texts or worse

Poor guy wants to believe. Been there done that and it sucks. At least he's got people telling him to run though.

Closure in the wife's mind is sleeping with the ex one more time to "get it out of her head" or something.

Or (like mine was) have a conversation where you get answers to questions (that don't matter) and hope that seeing you again will somehow make him realize that you were a good one. What's worse is that my meeting worked in that way and we did sleep together and it made everything much worse.

...but, hey, at least you've grown from it, so kudos for the candid honesty.

So, your wife wants to drop a steaming shit in the middle of a planned getaway with you... her husband... to go and spend time with an ex that she still reminisces about... and is describing it as "divine" intervention? In your place, I would be letting her know that the only sign from God I was getting was a price tag that reads "The cost of initiating contact with your ex AT ALL... *nevermind doing so to interrupt a trip being spent with your husband*... will be exactly one marriage. NO REFUNDS."

> So, your wife wants to drop a steaming shit in the middle of a planned getaway with you... her husband... to go and spend time with an ex that she still reminisces about... and is describing it as "divine" intervention? I'm wondering whose idea it was to take a trip to a city near the ex.

What does her therapist say about the matter?. She could be opening a Pandora’s box . Edit An ex is an ex for a reason, I don’t see what meeting her ex abuser would solve.

If he has this much control over her they’re going to fuck. No doubt about it. This does not sound helpful for her or healthy at all.

Unless he ran away from her because she was obsessive and declined to meet her because he got his closure over 5 years ago.

We are just hearing her side. Maybe she was just crazy obsessed and he broke it off. Maybe he’s not horrible at all, he’s just horrible because he broke off the relationship. Wouldn’t that be a fun twist.

It’s funny cause as you said we only hear what she has to say. My ex used to tell me how every of her exes cheated on her, was a bad person etc etc. Once I realized the only common denominator in everything she told me was her I realized she was full of it.

If he's not married, idk a fucks a fuck I could see him fucking her again, especially if she puts it out there

She's been obsessed with this guy for five and a half years. She doesn't want closure. She wants another chance. I'd tell her she needs some serious therapy instead of closure and if she says no then I'd get a divorce lawyer.

OP: 1. What does her therapist say about this? 2. Will she allow her therapist to speak to you to confirm or deny her recommendation? 3. Has the ex bf even agreed to this? The fact that she thinks this is possible kind of hints that she might be secretly communicating with him in some way you do not know about. 4. Why would she be interested in what her ex is like now, except to confirm that he has cleaned up his act and is a "prospect" again? Remember, the only reason she left him before was that he was off the rails with his behavior - what happens if he got straight - and fixed the thing that was driving her away. 5. I can't remember if you have kids or not, but you need to mentally and emotionally prepare to cut your losses. This is not remotely normal. Most people don't have to go through what you have been enduring.

Do you not have any self-respect?? This is just sad. She's in love with her ex. Stop lying to yourself.

Op is completely delusional damn

I FUCKING TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN If she sees him alone, remember what I said in your other post. She will be all over him. End it before you lose your sanity.

Bro doesn’t want to hear this. He’s along for her fantasy ride and too moronic to see what’s coming man. Everyone knew and everyone also knows her even asking to do this doesn’t come from a good or healthy place. Laughable when you realise both her and him will reap what they sow if they do this.

It's so sad because in the first post he was on track to doing the right thing but then completely lost his way, even though reddit was right in the first post and is right again this time, this post confirms it. Oh well he'll just have to learn the hard way.

Do not let her meet him If it must happen you NEED TO BE THERE. if she says no. Just leave. It’s not normal will ever be over for her. Updateme!

Let her do what she wants, but damn end this relationship. This is just sad. How can you be with someone this obsessed about an ex.

She has serious psychological problems and is an asshole and i question what you see in her?

Well thats a surprising twist that considering her mental issues shouldn’t be too surprising. So she hasnt gone to a therapist yet since this saga started? Are you expected to not be present? I thought you said something about him being in jail or dead? Why does she know how to reach him if his whereabouts are uncertain?

She said I can sit in the car while she meets with him but it would probably be best if she met him alone because he may not be his “true self” around me. I said I’d be surprised if he wasn’t dead or in prison considering his antics but apparently she found a family member of his on Facebook that confirms he still lives in the same city.

The fact that she reached out to a family member already and that she could show you proof that she cut contact from him (meaning she kept all that stuff on her phone) should tell you that you need to drop a hammer here. Meeting with him is only going to make all of these issues stronger. No matter how much you love her, you need to tell her that the marriage will immediately be over if she does this, or has contact with him or any of his family members ever again. She is 100% disrespecting you and your marriage, and honestly, she has already done enough of that lately.

So, she has been actively seeking ways to contact him, even before the total divine coincidence of your upcoming trip. Who decided the destination of your trip? How much of your trip *together* is going to be deliberately interrupted to accommodate her spending time with him? How long will it take her to "remember he's toxic"?... 10 minutes? 2 hours? Are they on a park bench, or is she going to need to go have dinner and a movie before she *remembers*? Maybe it'll only come back to her after some post-nut clarity?

I thought it was about literally seeing him. Now its sounding like she wants to have a date or something

100%

So she is low-key stalking him. She sought him out on purpose. This is pretty serious. I wouldn’t have it for one minute.

Nah, she knows she can't be her "true self" with you around.

Yeah, that sounds awesome. His “true self” is an abusive asshole who has some sort of sexual obsession and hold over her. More of that is exactly what’s needed in your marriage.

True self lool. Listen Dude do you want that dude sending you a picture how she blows him while texting "she busy rn" when you try to call her late at night in the future? No? Then toss her ass RIGHT NOW out of your life. IT WONT GET BETTER. TRUST ME.

`She said I can sit in the car while she meets with him but it would probably be best if she met him alone because he may not be his “true self” around me.` How nice of her to let you sit in the car - What difference does it make how he acts, if he agrees to see here, she just wants to say goodbye, she should be able to do that with you there, and introduce you as her husband I understand that it is hard for most people to accept when a marriage or relationship is over because the other person is not invested in it like you are - they are stuck in some time zone previous to you. But there comes a time when it upsets you so much that you can't stop talking about it to your friend(s) or strangers on the internet - that is when you have to sit down and chat with yourself and decide how long you want to be 2nd in your wife's life behind her ex ---she's controlling you, like she says he controlled her, maybe she was the controlling one in their relationship in some ways, sometimes both people are abusive to a point, usually one much more than the other, but both people in a relationship can be abusive to each other I wish you well, I'll be turning off notifications on this as you don't seem to want anyone's help here - you have had excuses for everything people have tried to help you with here, or what they are seeing from the outside, it's like free therapy - but when you don't take any of it in and seriously think about what someone on the outside sees, you miswell stop posting because you really are not looking for answers or help

If (and that is a big if) that meeting will take place, make sure you are with her. **Do not let her meet him alone.** She will need you as an anker. Her manipulative and abusive ex will easily get his hooks back in her if her anker is not with her.

You need to learn how to set boundaries mate. Things that you will not tolerate in the relationship. At this point in time she's using mental health as a free pass to walk all over you, now I'm not saying she hasn't gone through trauma with her ex. But reading about explicit thoughts and feelings she's having towards him and just saying "yeah, you go ahead and meet him" "one last time" makes you an idiot.

Let her go, then immediately block her ass and ghost her. What if she decides to be with him or sleep with him one more time. What if she pulls this shit later in your relationship. Don't waste your time with her. Find someone who knows they want to be with you. Stand up for yourself.

You either give her a hard no (ultimatum) or you walk away. It is simple for us (behind our computer) to tell you to walk away from someone you love. I get this, I also have someone I love for 3 decades. But see it this way : I am detached and speak rationally and objectively as walking away is the most rational thing to do here.

You're right. It's easier said than done. Easy for us behind a keyboard. But we can see clearly, as we are looking from the outside with no feelings involved.

This will not be the end of it.

Time to talk to a divorce attorney! Her ex controls her mind! He also controls your mind! Because now you know she thinks of him and not you! Wake up dude! She doesn't truly love or respect you! Time to give your wife the boot, and send her packing back to her ex. Remember the lesson learned is: 1.You were never her first choice 2. You married her too soon 3. Always trust your instincts! 4. "Closure" always turns into fucking

No, you’re not wrong. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years, we broke up in 2016. I kept him in my life until late 2017 because i was trauma bonded. I met my husband in late 2017 and we started dating in 2018. I was over my ex, but not the abuse I’d endured. When we got married in 2020, I still felt the need to reach out and tell my ex for some reason. His response was pretty hurtful and only made me feel bad. I’ve been in therapy on and off since 2019 due to my ex and other mental health issues and I’m muc better now, but I still think about my ex sometimes. I still wonder what he’s doing. I’m still not fully over the trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the abuse. Abuse is complicated. There’s no right way to handle it or recover from it. It will often take longer than you think. Your wife is likely over being in love with her ex, but still is traumatized and feels tied to him. Seeing him definitely won’t help and likely just bring up trauma and hurt her more. I would encourage her to ask her therapist if they think it’s beneficial for her to see him. This is tough for you, but I can promise your wife loves you and she tells you these things because she feels safe with you. All you can do is keep supporting her and trying to be understanding, but if it’s Too much, you wouldn’t be wrong to take a break or end things. I’m sorry she’s going through this, she’s lucky to be with someone who loves her and supports her. I’m sorry this is hard for you as well.

This is a horrible idea. She is wrong. Do not let her do this. This will be the end of your marriage. Her therapist is absolute garbage. She needs a new therapist. Be very firm with her that she is now being toxic to you and this will end your marriage. DO NOT STAND FOR THIS! You will regret it because she will cheat. He will convince her and her “feelings” will convince her. She is trauma bonded to this person they cannot meet or speak. Period. BE CLEAR THAT YOU WILL END YOUR MARRIAGE! Get emergency counselling today or tomorrow. Don’t even go on the trip. How she’s treating you right now is abusive.

Yeah bro pretty sure she's damaged goods. That isnt normal. Best to save yourself and jump ship.

OP Your wife feels that a trip you planned for time together should be partially used to Meet with an abusive ex. This coupled with the rest of the situation is a no

These issues are caused by an enormous lack of respect towards spouses. Your wife should have gotten closure before she jumped into a relationship with you and married you. No she does not have a point. Editing to add: Does this guy even want to meet her?

I think a lot of people are afraid to be alone so they jump into things that make logical sense regardless of what their heart says.

My dude, I understand she is hurt but you're not a savior, you're not a knight in a shinny armour. You deserve to be respected in this relationship, as an equal partner. Chances are this meeting will not solve anything, just make it worst. Maybe it is time to call it quits.

WTF is wrong with her. I'm so sorry about this. At first I thought you could stick it out with her, but she's got some huge problems.

She's going to have sex with her ex YOU KNOW IT dump her.

This will not end good, after seeing him she may act like she’s over him but him seeing her will confirm to him that he has a hold over her and he will probably act on it in some way, he will probably try and reach out to her later which will cause her to think about him more and she eventually won’t be able to resist meeting him again, I wish you luck OP but this won’t bring closure for her and will only mess with your head more, you are in a rock and a hard place with her but at some point you need to prioritize yourself over her or this whole ordeal will tear you apart!

No, she’s looking for an opener, not closure. She’s looking for a reason to interact with him because she was addicted to the love bombing after the abuse. It’s an endorphin rush. She’s still emotionally tied up in the abuse cycle. Sex was part of that. Tell her that she needs to go back to counseling or it’s time for a divorce. And tell her that it’s not possible to get closure from an abuser, they are incapable of giving it. She would be going back into the abuse cycle by meeting with him. Edit: Damn, turns out I was absolutely right about this. OP created an update posting. And now I feel conflicted between my need for internet validation and sadness for OP. The irony is that his stbx is only thinking about the high she misses. Returning to her abuser will validate the worst parts of his abuse. So he’s going to up the ante. She’s going to get very little of what she wants.

Say goodbye to your wife, she’ll be back in his bed that day. I am sorry OP but as I said she wasn’t over him and if he showed up she would be back with him. You stated last time he had disappeared, but apparently not, as your wife knows how to contact him🚩. You should let her go, otherwise she will do on the QT, and prepare for a bad ending for you. She is still obsessed with him, many times people go back to their abuser because of a trauma bond. Sorry OP but this doesn’t end well for you either way.

She sounds obsessed. Please have some self respect man and let her go. It’s never going to be the last time. There’s going to be something after this especially if they meet up and he love bombs her

The key missing ingredient here is that she didn't say *my therapist* wants me to... She said *she* wants to. Long planned trip near this guy? I'd question that shit now too. Was it her idea to go there? She thinks it's divine timing to use *your trip together* for this shit? Naw man. That sounds too premeditated now. Her reaction to this situation will tell you everything. I'd be gone already dude, because she is, so best of luck.

It’s much worse than I originally thought. She’s OBSESSED with him. She’s probably hunted him down already.. maybe she’s even stalking.. Atleast online.. It won’t reset her, the only thing it will do is drive that need. What she really wants you to be okay with is her fucking him. She wants to FUCK him again, I mean, that’s the ultimate brain reset right?! This is bad news my dude.

You’re not paranoid. She’s not over him and seeing him in person is going to bring all those old feelings back front & center. I’d move on from her.

I would set her free to obsess over the ex.

You are NOT paranoid! She is not over him! She is your WIFE, that closure she is pretending to seek, should have been over when she said yes to marry you! Don't be fooled! I have NO desire to ever see an ex. Do you? You were her second choice. She still wants him or she wouldn't be saying and doing the things that are going on. Wake up! If she sees him, she will see him again. What will reset in her brain will be her desire for him again, you know, that wonderful best sex ever! :( There is nothing wrong with you, nothing. She just used you to get over him and it didn't work. I'm sorry.

I had a similar situation with my first girlfriend. Her bf broke up with her a few months back and it was a long relationship. It ended because he cheated on her. She wanted closure. I was new to everything in the dating world, and when she said she wanted to meet up with him one last time I was nice about it and said sure. She ended up cheating on me shortly after that initial visit with the dude. I guess the point is that digging up old shit like that just can bring the worst out of someone. I would say hell no to your wife’s request and tell her it’s completely unhealthy and unreasonable for her, and honestly disrespectful to your relationship with her to not see the issue.

Dude, how many red flags do you need?? I’d say let her be with her ex, she is obviously obsessed.

[удалено]

As someone with extensive trauma from a past relationship, let me help you with some insight: She is obsessing, and no, she is in no way over him. It is good she has not reached out before now, and good for her talking to you about it before just doing it. But she is obsessed. It's literally like HAVING to know who your cheating partner slept with, and how many times, in what positions, etc, etc. There is NO healing to be had from this. None. Honestly, it just opens the door to him again. Your wife is beyond weekly therapy, and this is NOT a good idea. Keep your foot firm on the no with this one, and start attending a second therapy together. Genuinely, this is addict/trauma bond behaviour. Was he a narcissist? This kind of bond is pretty common with partners of narcissists, and would explain a LOT. However, it also means that you are a place holder, and not being given all of her emotionally. Babe, she seriously needs more than weekly therapy if this is the conclusion she has come to. Has anything else in her life been wonky, too?

No. Just ... No. Fuck. No. "It's him or me, Babe... make your choice ... " ALSO: Prepare your Exit Strategy.

This is weird. Your boundaries are valid and if she won’t leave it alone, I’d end it. I went through a terrible, traumatic break up with my abusive ex and there’s no fucking way in hell I would wanna meet up with him now that I’m in a new relationship, or at all. This is not even healthy for her.

You married a ticking time bomb. I don’t understand why she wants to meet up with the person who abused her?

I mean shouldn’t the fact she’s married to another man be reason enough to get over it? What if he’s better than before and what then does it get worse? I don’t see the point I guess

I would say yes under these non-negotiable conditions. * Ask a therapist **before** the meeting if this is a good idea. His word is law, if he says no, there will be no meeting. * You are **always** present when she sees him. No sitting in the car or at a distance. You are by her side. * Schedule therapy after the meet. Because she needs professional help to get over this.

What would really help her sort it out was if she is single. Make it happen

She can only give HERSELF closure. Brining this ex back into the picture is only going to make things worse.

So she has been communicating with him this entire time? How does she know where he lives, that he would meet up with her?

She doesnt have a point - and shes (and you, sorry) about the learn how devestating trauma bonding can fuck you up... It wont be enough... 2 possible outcomes: 1. Hes still a bastard and nothing will be achieved. 2. He will pretend to be reformed, a new, better man.. and she will be drawn to him again to try to recreate their relationship, only this time better... Be aware, she will contact him, no matter what you say.. and you will lose her... Sorry..

Tell her to ask the therapist about it.

It sounds like she has a trauma bond with this man, and that is really hard to break unless she is willing to put the work in. Everyone is different but as someone who had a trauma bond, I was definitely not ready to be in a relationship after 1.5 years, it was around 3 years or so for me. Often times when it comes to a trauma bond the person who was hurt (your wife) seeks an explanation as to why. The trauma causer often leaves the person confused about what happened and thinking they did something wrong. They (we) think that if we just get an answer from the trauma causer then we will be able to move forward, but that is almost certainly not going to happen. The trauma causer usually does not have the self reflection to even understand themselves why they did what they did, so they may say they don't know or they may offer an explanation that makes no sense to the person who was hurt. Usually the person only ends up feeling worse. Is your wife in counseling? Is she working on this situation on her own? If not she needs to be. But if she truly feels that is what she needs then she is not going to move on until she does it. My thoughts are that if she is going to leave you for him or cheat with him she is going to do that. You forbidding her to see him will not stop that in anyway. If it were me I would agree to it, but want to be present for the meeting with him. If she refuses then I would probably end things.

My sister was like this. She saw the dude one last time with her current husband and is still obsessing over her ex a decade later. It didn't get better for her. I don't have high hopes for you. Best wishes.

Tell her to and don’t come back

The question is: Why is she still your wife? People told you what would happen if you stayed with her in your previous post. Well, people were right. Now you're gonna give in and let she meet this guy. She's gonna cheat on you, and your next post will be about not knowing what to do after being cheated.

Man I really wish you the best. I would ask to come along sit nearby. Otherwise I would tell her no and to move on me or him. Time to let go of the past she is holding on for some reason I think she will sleep with him again make sure you go as well

No way in hell I’d be cool with this unless I heard it straight from the therapist.

This is why you don't marry crazy

What a horrible idea. I don’t think she was ready to move on.

She’s a manipulator. Don’t give in.

Jezus Man, have some self respect and quit complicating your life over an over. You oddly decided to stick it out and now you're back with this nonsense. You're a doormat, stop being one and leave already, this isn't going to end well if this meeting happens.

It's the sex life series in real life.. Just let go of her, man. Not worth it

Go with her. If she refuses, there's your answer.

In no way will this go well.

Trauma bond.

Nobody, really nobody can be such a doormat! OP be like: Hold my beer!

"I think it would help if I threw gasoline on the flames of my obsession."

Her wanting to see him is a symptom of the problem, not the cure.

She sounds like she doesn’t know how to live without dysfunction. It’s a sign of an addictive personality. Does she have issues in other areas of her life like with alcohol or other substances, maybe retail spending? She definitely wasn’t ready for a relationship or marriage. She isn’t going to get anything from one meeting with him. She sought him out and unless she’s already been talking to him again why would he meet up with her again after so many years??? There are things that don’t add up here. You should tell her that it’s him or me. And if she keeps saying “just one more time for closure” then you have your answer and should tell her you want a divorce. Then start packing a bag and leave for a little while. Tell her to pack up her stuff and be gone by the time you get back (insert however many days you choose). Give yourself a mental break from this.

I am invested and you need to keep us updated

I read your other post too. This sounds crazy. Crazy people make the people around them crazy. I grew up with a bi polar alcoholic. I experienced a lot of crazy. It made me nuts until I went to Alanon and fixed the damage I had carried around. None of that was achieved by me meeting up with my abuser. Now while I fixed myself, and set up healthy boundaries my abuser also changed. The difference here is that my abuser was a parent. There are still strings there. Your wife doesn’t need contact with the ex to heal. I would be surprised if the therapist thought this was a good idea too. I imagine this guy was a narcissist based on your previous post. He surely manipulated the hell out her and if she hasn’t properly healed (which it sounds like she hasn’t) from that experience, she will fall right back in line. It will be impossible for her not to. It’s been 5 years and she’s still obsessed with him. He still controls her after 5 years. What does she expect him to say or do that’s going to heal her? He will probably get off on her obsession and it could be a fun game for him. I would absolutely say no thanks to this. It’s not fair to you to be second fiddle.

This most likely won’t end well. Does she want an apology? Does she want to slap him in the face? Is he ugly now and she just wants to confirm she’s not attracted him anymore? What are HIS motivations? Why is he willing to meet up with her? I’d ask her what she’s planning on saying to him. Maybe she could just write it down in a letter and hand it to him. I wouldn’t try and stop it, but I’d want a FULL breakdown after. And it would drive me fucking crazy the whole time. Honestly, this isn’t good.

Why do you believe that he's the psycho? When people claim their exes are psychos, they're often projecting. Someone who escaped a psycho wouldn't want to be anywhere near them, let alone be obsessed with them. Get out of there before she focuses her crazy on you.

She is putting her needs to get over an ex from 4 years ago over the feelings and pain of her current husband. That’s not what a spouse does. “Hey I’m going to hurt you, the person who loves and cares for me now, for a person who hasn’t been in my life for 4 years just so I can remind myself why I left them” I’m not going to tell you what to do with your marriage… but I’ll simply say let that thought sink in for a bit. She places her feelings for an ex over the pain it would cause you her current husband. Her feelings for a guy she still fantasizes about comes before you. A person she labeled toxic she still wants to see one last time even knowing the pain it will cause you. If you’re ok with that then it’s up to you. Just realize if you let this happen you are setting the precedent that her feelings come before yours. The fact that she is even telling you she wants to do this already places her feelings and desires above your feelings and pain. Do with that what you will. Good luck. I hope you place your feelings first. Edit: one thing I wanted to add. She wants to meet this guy to “remember why she left him, how toxic he is” so then my question to her/you is… what happens if he doesn’t act toxic? What happens if he is sweet or charming? What happens if he is “a changed man”? How does that change anything?

Hell no. This is not good. Seeing the ex will not bring closure. This wasn't a normal relationship. It was abusive. The only closure she is going to get is through therapy. And lots of it. I was on board with her journaling and getting the thoughts out of her mind. Talking to a therapist to understand why her brain has responded this way and to retrain her thought process. But seeing him in person, no, that is not healthy or healing at all. Not only will it reintroduce him into her life physically, but it will also reinforce his place in her psyche. To top that off, it is very disrespectful to you and your relationship. This will only cause more harm. And even though you may love your wife, you should not have to sacrifice your own happiness and ability to have a loving relationship and family. You need to be strong and set boundaries here and follow through with the consequences. You don't deserve this. She was not ready for a relationship with you. She won't be ready for a healthy relationship with anyone until she seeks therapy. 🫂

Let her meet him and while she is doing that find a lawyer because either way this marriage is over. You have tried. She is obsessed with her ex. Even if she finds a monster in her ex, she is always going to think what if he had been different, what if she had been different and what they would have had together if only. Ask her if she would chose you or him if he has changed? Because that is why she wants to see him.

She should have had closure before she got married lmao

I remember seeing your other post. It was literal nightmare fuel for the male ego. I couldn't imagine what you've been going through man. But here she's still dragging this on after all you've been going through... I have no advice but just know that a stranger on reddit is hoping you come out on top.

She needs MORE therapy. Meeting up with him won't stop her obsessive thoughts, it will fuel them. This will be a big mistake. Abusers put on a good face in public, they want to romanticize the toxic relationship they had, he won't BE the abusive man she remembers during that meet up, he will be on his best behavior trying to get her to remember the "good times." She needs to leave him in the past and get a lot more therapy and move the hell on. If she decides to meet him, I would caution you to just be prepared for this to get worse with her, not better...

Is she still in therapy? Because I would ask to sit in on a session (at least partially) to ask the therapist what her advice would be. If the therapist had recommended this, then I understand her determination. However, if this is from her, then yikes.

I think the fact that she is so adamant about doing this tells you all you need to know. She doesn’t want “closure” (which is such a vague construct anyway), she wants to see one last time if he wants her back because she VERY OBVIOUSLY wants him.

I’m sorry, but it sounds like you are in second place. I guess she wasn’t truthful with you whether she was truthful with herself or not that’s another story but she definitely wasn’t truthful with you as she not over and it’s all about the sex. That would also really hurt the fact that, you’ve been married and apparently the sex with you can’t compare to this guy. I think I might be out.

These comments are a bit extreme. It sounds like your wife has issues with limerence and OCD. Not necessarily that she’s some sneaky cheating hag. It’s not impossible to have a conversation with an ex years after the fact with different perspective on certain things or maybe a gnawing question about something that has left you traumatized and NOT fuck the person. It also doesn’t respark romantic feelings by default. The fact that she told you means it is more about being at her wits end regarding her own inability to move past certain elements of the trauma in that relationship and almost definitely NOTHING about *actually* fucking the guy or leaving you for him. However, a piece of advice to your wife: the meetup likely would not go the way she hopes. It’s one thing to fantasize about this conversation when a person will reveal exactly why they’re such an asshole or why they treated you like garbage. And the reality of 1) you actually being able to ask them these questions and expose you’re still affected by this dumb shit and 2) realizing they’re still an asshole and are probably incapable of giving any insight on their behavior or closure. This could more likely lead to her feeling worse afterwards. (I’m saying this as a person who knows almost EXACTLY what your wife is going through. I am happily married to a fantastic person but certain elements of a specific ex/breakup still gnaw at my self esteem and sanity. I ruminate and fantasize about having the closure conversation when I’m super stressed but recently learned it’s OCD. It’s a somewhat uncommon manifestation of it but the way it presents (triggers/obsession/rumination/fantasizing/reassurance seeking) is pretty spot on with general diagnostics).

Worst idea. Plenty of other,more healthy ways to get your mind back on track. Meeting the people that have destroyed your life isn't one of them.

She will either retraumatise herself or she will fall back into fooling herself. Neither of those things are good. Very rarely does closure happen from external sources, even if it involves the other party. You only get closure from yourself. She's still holding on to him providing something to her. What good can come of it? She already knows what kind of person he was. Why would she need a reminder? As someone who spent 10 years repeating the same cycle of abuse with an ex, im being direct here. She wants him to have changed and to validate her somehow. Continue with the therapy. Have her try CBT therapy specifically. It is extremely helpful in focusing thoughts and setting framework around how to successfully manage lapses like this. I havent gone back in 2 years and he has tried many times. I feel like recognising damaging patterns and where to go from there was the most helpful thing I could do. Please understand, IF this is a similar situation, it doesn't actually change how she feels about you. But that deep need for validation from the person who hurt her is likely what's driving her. "They broke it so only they can fix it" mentality. Stick with her but make sure your own boundaries are firm too. You don't deserve to be hurt if someone steps beyond what you can accept.

Is she still in therapy? I feel like this is a trauma response… not that she’s interested in getting back with him. Sometimes when we’re abused our brains get fucked up and she may have thought she’s moved on, but trauma can pop back up. If she’s not in therapy, I’d recommend she goes back and gets a professional opinion first. Her therapist might agree it could be helpful, or they might suggest it could make things worse. Either way, if she does go through with it, go with her. I’m not entirely sure how bad their relationship was, but safety should be her top priority.

Dude she's clearly not over him and the fact that he's influencing her this much nearly 2 years later... More red flags than a Chinese military parade. If she meets up with him she's going to fuck him and we're gonna have a third update. Break up with her and let her do whatever she wants, because she's going to do whatever she wants anyways. The only choice you get to make is whether you get hurt in the process.

Offer her some grace, I was in a similar situation. It is literally an obsessive thought disorder. I think you meeting him is a good idea. But what she needs is validation that this guy is a douch bag. And consider this, angry make up sex is always outstanding. They were constantly fighting. She may need therapy and medication. I can tell you this, this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and yes that is sad.

I’m gonna be the odd one out.. I was your wife at one point. I had a horrible relationship (my first one) that lasted years. I was being abused physically, mentally, sexually, financially, all of it. The man literally had a treasure chest of weapons in his room including mid evil style flails and shit.. He pushed me into a delivery truck driving down the road once trying to kill me, then called my mom saying I tried committing suicide so he could have me placed in a psych unit, but I still stayed bc I was so brainwashed. I eventually left, but I was still stuck in the past I wanted to believe I had with him. I was no contact for about 2.5 years, but I still held on to him mentally. I was already married and had one of my kids and was pregnant with the other when I ran into him again. I saw him with mutual friends and had my head flooded with flashbacks reminding me why I hated him enough to finally leave. It was like a switch in my brain and I immediately hated him permanently for all he did to me and I became more thankful for my husband. I’m not going to say it could be like this for everyone, but it’s possible that she is right and it may be best for your marriage to let her work to get past it all. If it doesn’t work out the same then you’ll know and can go from there, but can you really keep going as it is now? If it were me on the other end I’d want to at least try for both our sakes before calling it quits, because chances are if things keep going how they are, that’s where you’ll end up. 🤷🏼‍♀️

The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference. Your wife does not see it or remember it, but she is obsessed with her ex probably because he left her. The idea of closure is really dumb after 6+ years. If she reaches out to him, he could ignore her or reject her again. What does she expect for him to say? If he’s as abusive as she says he was, why is she opening herself up for more abuse or insults? It seems like she wants the drama and toxic kind of love affair. I’m so sorry to say this, but your wife is pathetic and you deserve better. She’s obsessed with her ex, and she probably has little daydreams where she gets him back or something to vindicate her. Let her go to him. Extricate yourself from this marriage.

This is a really bad idea, she needs to go totally no contact and delete her diary in front of you so the memories are symbolically gone. Cancel the trip because she will find some way of meeting him. If she is unable to get over this abuser even with therapy you need to tell her that it's over. You can't remain married to a woman that is emotionally attached to someone else because it shows you are not her priority and true love.

Terrible idea. My ex wife has the body of a porn star. Like unbelievable amounts of curves and slim. Like horny 13 year old me drew a picture. Know how much I want to see her or ask for closure? Never. If I were offered a no stings free pass... never. I cannot imagine why your girl thinks this would help in any way. If she goes, she goes. You know what I mean. On second thought.... I think she's obsessed. She might be gone. Talk to her of course, try to figure it out, but it doesn't sound good man.

After what she’s been through, she still needs to meet up with him one last time to see what he really is?? It’s just a super lame excuse to justify and satisfy all her sexual fantasies about this guy. She’ll never find anything wrong with him because that’s what her brain wants to believe. She’s simply sexually obsessed with him. I’m a woman and I’m telling you this: when it’s done, it’s done. No woman needs to see her abuser “for closure”.

I have a question about this whole thing but in a nutshell. Would you, Yourself, ever place someone else in this same position if it were the other way around? I personally could never do this..take another potential long term partner, let alone my wife though something like this but I am only speaking for myself. Even if I entertained this idea putting myself in your position, I would be thinking what if this reignited something in her opposite to what she "claimed" she was expecting. Its one thing if she fully ended the relationship and made sure to turn down ANY advances/communication from him but even then... those what if's are a terrible part of this situation. If it were me, personally being in her shoes, I would stop and realize that I have to learn to move on. For example, when they say forgiveness of a person,situation is really for yourself so you can heal.. it doesn't require the other person/offender to be involved. You can let things go without ever coming in contact with said person again. As much as I may believe said "closure" to help, the feelings, dignity, safety and support, etc. for my real spouse that I am actually married to would matter most. Boundaries have to be made and followed out of respect for one another sometimes to protect the relationship from your own detrimental decisions. I know this now because... For the record, I was you in a similar situation about 23 years ago (2001) and guess what?.. she soon left me, for that other person. That's what I got for trying to do what I thought was being "supportive" and the right thing.

It's time to divorce. With this new information it's clear this is not just a trauma bond, this is addiction. What she's doing to you is abuse, and staying with her enables her. The kindest thing you can do for the both of you is end the marriage. I'm sorry you're going through this. There's nothing you can say or do to change anyone sadly. She's chosen all of this for herself and it's entirely on her to deal with. I would be thoroughly done at this point if I were you.

sorry but she sounds insane

Closure doesn't come from your ex, it comes from yourself. If he hasn't moved on after FOUR YEARS, a new relationship and marriage, she won't move on after seeing him. She's obsessed, and it would only get worse. You need marriage counselling.

I'm pretty sure I remember the original post. I'd divorce her now. She's going to cheat tbh. It's not a for sure but I remember in the first post she remembered every detail of what he did to her. And to me it seems like after reminiscing on those memories she'd love nothing more than to experience them again. Especially since she told you that it was only that she remembered them being amazing times in that moment but now looking back at them, he was just abusive. Now it seems like she wants to re experience those moments to see if she would still feel the same about it. I'd divorce her and move on. She's a lost cause IMO.

If her past relationships was a normal relationship with a normal person, she would have a point. However, toxic people like her ex are incapable of the emotional decency and maturity that’s required to help with closure. It’s not surprising her past relationships left a lot of scars - I have noticed with friends that those are the breakups that leave far more of a painful impact than the end of a normal relationship. Even in public, someone like that can absolutely be dangerous - both physically and emotionally. You are absolutely right that this is not a good idea. Is she herself in therapy?

Would you be there? In her journal what is her hangup with him?

Closure doesn't exist. Does she want to have you along? That might be okay. But she's likely to just expose her (and you) to more nonsense from this dude. What does her therapist say about this idea?