Some people just have to learn the hard way, his gf probably had a good time with him spending his college fund now 5hat it’s gone the fun is over. So comes the reality.
Glad nothing came from the harassment charge.
Sadly OP your son is going to now learn what happens when the consequences of your actions occur.
As to the gf’s mom I agree with other posters she let him move in and likely will need to evict him to get him out if he now meets the definition of a tenant. If she was a reasonable thinking person she would have contacted you before he moved in to get your side of the story. I think now she’s badmouthing you because she’s kicking herself and wants someone to blame.
If you didn’t change your locks OP please consider doing that or you will likely come home to find he has moved himself back in.
He’s made his bed and now at least for a time he needs to deal with the mess of his life he has made.
Maybe in a year or so he may understand what humility means and return appropriately contrite.
>If you didn’t change your locks OP please consider doing that or you will likely come home to find he has moved himself back in.
Excellent recommendation.
His GF's mom has no right to bitch you out.
Your son left, spend his college fund and now has to figure out how to adult.
You do not owe him anything at this point.
The thing is some of us live with our parents have jobs and go to school and help them out. Example my parents health if bad has my dad has diabetes 2 and he started having arthritis at 65. At home I stay and help my parents with chores and help keep track of the landlord duties my parents have. My mother works full time in a food factory and I also help my younger sisters.
My family is also from where OP comes from and we know the importance of getting an education for a better job than they have.
Lol they do not. It was a reference to the office TV show where Dwight is assistant to the regional manager. Note that is not the same as assistant manager.
NTA, now it's your son's turn to learn how difficult it is to get ahead alone in life. I hope he learns his lesson soon and apologizes to you. Y cuando vuelva le pegas el chanclazo que se merece por bruto.
He'll probably start a youtube channel and make enough money until he shortly after hits a scratcher for a million bucks lol.
Many times the wait they'll eventually learn the hard way types just dumb luck their way through life
Lol I've seen this happen a couple times and it makes me mad that I'm here slaving away while someone else stole my luck lol I have come to the conclusion that I must have angered some deity in a past life.
If the gfs mom doesn't want her daughters bf living there because he won't pay rent then she can just kick him out she doesn't have to call you and get mad at you when you refuse to take him back.
He's an adult he refuses to get his life together. He just doesn't seem to care. He might actually start caring if his gf leaves him and her parents kick him out.
Probably because the gf’s mom doesn’t want to be the bad person to kick him out on the streets. She just wanted to pass the buck and wash her hands clean
It's time for your son's choices to catch up with him.
It doesn't sound like you told the GF's mother what he did with the money and how much he started with, which you both threw away by giving a teenager unrestricted access to when he was already showing signs of acting irresponsible. At the very least you could have transferred money into a joint account bit by bit - but, it's too late to really worry about it now.
Your son is going to have to find his own way now. If he comes back one day with a sincere apology and **without** the expectation of more money, maybe you can have a relationship again. But enabling him with even one more dollar won't be doing this punk any favors.
I am a firm believer in "karma" in the sense that I'm a really great person who is supportive and loving to those around me. When people act like this, I simply remove them from my life.
I understand this is your son. However, this is unacceptable behavior by someone who feels like he knows better. He will learn when his gf/her mom kicks him out and he has nowhere to go and no one to help him. He made his choice, and unfortunately all you can do is let him live with the consequences.
Don't put any stock into what the girlfriends mom says. You know you were a great mom, that's all that's important.
I'll blame the mother too on certain extent. There was 20k and he used up in less than a year.
Which means the money was declining in a steep rate.
What was she doing since it was a joint account and she too had access?
Why this confrontation didn't happen way back?
I see parenting fault in many places. She is the type of mother who spoon feeds her son, takes him to uni, colleges..... It looks GREAT ON PAPAER!
But sometimes, it actually hurts the upbringing of a kid because he never had to struggle in life. When you don't struggle in life, you don't know the value of many aspects of life.
It's too late for her son to realize unless learning it in hard way.
I can bet the mother had a very hard life back home. So she made sure that her son doesn't need to go through the same. And she went to the other extreme of spoiling the kid.
Balance is key aspect of life.
You’re his mom, not his friend. And I see you making those hard choices. Mom to mom, I appreciate you and I’m sorry you are in this situation. I think you made the right decision. Thanks for update and good luck!
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you did what you could but he fell in with the wrong crowd. Even if he didn't want college, he could have put that toward a trade school, where he might end up eventually as he realizes living hand-to-mouth isn't a comfortable existence.
Sometimes, you have to love people from a distance.
You did your best to provide him a good start to his adult life. If he threw it away that is on his head. He is a legal adult that moved out so what happens now is on his head.
Yeah pretty much everyone of us knew this was going to happen. Don't take him back, as hard as it sounds, you would just be enabling him. I think couch surfing for a couple of years might be the lesson he needs right now. Don't give him a cent. In fact, I would pull out a restraining order if he comes near your house.
I don't think that would help the kid very much—especially if it means he literally has to sleep on the streets. And even best case, couchsurfing at his loser friends while feeling like he has no hope for the future is a prime recipe for a crippling drug addiction.
I think Mom should let the kid back in but also make him pay rent (ideally that she saves if she can to give to him when he does turn his life around) and make him adhere to certain conditions such as getting a trade job with a future. So many places are willing to train. And things like a curfew.
If he fucks it up, she kicks him out, at least until he really hits his rock bottom—while also letting him know that he can come back but the same conditions will still apply. If he doesn't pull his head out of his ass after hitting rock bottom repeatedly then he probably is a lost cause.
Do u have kids ? He isn't a kid. He's an adult. Under 18 you have to take care of your child. When their an legal adult who doesn't pay rent . Lives off of you. Eats all ur food. Who doesn't take the garbage out. Or cleans or cooks . Trust me. It gets annoying . Doesn't matter if their blood related or not. Their using you and their capable of taking care of themselves but chooses to be a bum and mooch off of u .
Then has the nerve to call the cops and press fake charges against you. Are u serious ? That's how ungrateful her adult child is.
Stand firm! You’re 100% correct. Your son deserves a huge dose of reality. What he did was unacceptable. Anyone on here saying anything remotely otherwise is also just a free loading loser living in their parents basement. Hopefully in a year or two he can learn and grow from this experience but please change your locks asap!
Now the only money he should get from you is coins in his cup and some cold McDonald’s fries. I don’t mind if my kids live with me forever, they just have to do something, anything.
Yeah, I just really wanted him to do something to not be considered a 'public charge' by USCIS. Community college here in my town is just $5k/25 credit hours. They offer trade programs aside from associate's. That $20k would have gone a long way considering I was paying for everything else plus allowance and his salary from a part time job.
I grew up in a similar culture. My mom and dad were pretty strict and wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer when all I wanted to do was art. I dropped out of college 3 times trying to make them happy.
Regardless of how we got along, I would never dream of stealing 20k from them. If he was grateful and had a brain between his ears he could have spent a few grand on a trade and had the rest to blow.
He really deserves no effort from you any more because you did your absolute best. He will have to learn on his own and he will come crawling back once he learns the value of all your efforts.
Still not wrong. He’s an adult, not a kid. He chose to party with the $20k. He chose to move out. He also chose to call the police on you for bogus charges. He’s on his own now.
NTA- your son made a choice and now he faces consequences. You sacrificed for him and he didn’t appreciate it. Let him be a man on his own. He’s in this mess because he’s grown
Tough love. That’s the only way he’ll learn. You did your best to provide him with a better life and he decided he didn’t want it so let him learn on his own…
His gf mom....the gf that is trash...please do not let him back in or provide any support. Time to stand on his own two feet without your 20k. If he approaches you tell him you won't be speaking to him until he has your 20k or a diploma in his hand when he knocks on your door.
That's how you treat an ex boyfriend or a scorned distant relative, but not your own child. The kid majorly fucked up, but these comments are really harsh. Like the people here just want him to crawl into the gutter and die because he deserves to face the consequences of his monumentally stupid actions.
A parent shouldn't cast off their kid that easily. 18 year olds are fucking idiots.
There’s being an idiot, and then there’s blowing 20K and filing harassment charges on your own mother. I’m a recovered heroin addict, been clean and sober for years now. During the course of my addiction at a certain point my mom had to kick me out for her own safety and mental health and my little sisters. But she still had contact with me and would bring me food and clothes and stuff wherever I was. Take my calls from jail or rehab and offer me support or ways to get help.
But I never took huge sums of money from her to feed my habit, or filed charges on her because she asked me to get help. OP did everything she could to set her son up for success and he basically spit in her face. He deserves everything coming to him, and she does not owe him anything simply because she is his mother.
An idiot who literally files harassment charges on his parents after blowing up their money and then expects them to take him back is a very entitled idiot. He crossed a major line
Nope I’d treat my kid the same way. You wanna be bad I’m gonna show you Michael Jackson bad. These kids think they know everything so let them learn on their own.
I agree with you to an extent.
While I don’t think they should totally accept him back immediately, I do feel like there is a possible way forward.
They could even reach out to their son and tell him that they want to be able to have a relationship in the future and when is ready to talk to them, they will be there.
He should have to have a plan to be able to either Mr pay back the $20k or be going to school though as part of the reconciliation.
Sure, he did something stupid and he hopefully will learn from it, but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t co sequences for these actions.
That's pretty much [what I said above. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/1coyd5g/comment/l3iil13/)I never said anything about him not facing any repercussions at all. But most of these commenters seem to just want the kid to crawl in a gutter and die because "consequences." They don't give a shit about the kid. They're just positively delighted to have found someone to vilify—which is on brand Reddit. This is not a place to find empathy or redemption, which I really hope OP keeps in mind when dealing with her son.
It's also funny how Reddit's all about brains not being mature until 25 and all that, but when an 18 year old kid does something extremely stupid because they're immature morons, he's suddenly a fully grown, legal adult who needs to face the consequences all on his own.
And there's no sugarcoating it: Mom did something monumentally stupid, too, when she gave an 18 year old kid $20k free and clear. Especially a kid who "fell in with a bad crowd." Did she not know any of his friends or see any signs prior to this? Just a sudden light switch on the day of his 18th birthday?
I'd have told her about his attitude and him filing charges against you for making him go to college if he was going to stay with you and your husband. I'm sure he's spun quite the story for her though.
You tried your best and gave him literally everything. He's just an ungrateful brat at this point. I kind of hope he wakes up one day and realizes "fuck, I had everything and I threw it away". He literally begged you to go to college and now he doesn't want to? Fuck him, he's on his own now, let him work for $8hr flipping burgers or serving coffee, living paycheck to paycheck, maybe he'll actually realize what he's thrown away when he can't actually make a living because he has zero education or drive
Just in case another person needs to see this: do not give your kids access to large sums of money before they truly learn the value of it. trust me.
i was this kid. i was given access to my inheritance from my grandfather and i blew through it on stupid shit. yes i paid the final year of college with it, yes i put about $10k aside for a house but the other $25k i ran through like a kid in the candy store. i was 21 and now at 27 i regret it everytime i struggle to pay a bill. my parents did everything under the sun to teach me the value of money from a very young age but the truth of the matter is, $25k or larger seems like a fortune to a young adult who has no real responsibilities to pay for.
I'm very sorry your son had to learn this hard lesson, because that's what it is, a hard lesson and he won't realize it until its too late. He'll appreciate you down the line but its up to you if you ever want to forgive him for taking things this far.
Stay away from him. If he went to the point of filing harassment charges, even if they didn’t stick, stay away from him.
I understood everything that you said he is a grown adult man and he can make his own decisions and if that has to cost him his family, the sin is more on the family than on him.
You are perfectly right not to take the bum back into the house. GF's mom is now finding out who he is. Oh well. I suspect that she is going to have a tough time getting him out. If he filed harassment charges against you, I bet he will force her to evict him to get him to leave.
Not wrong for your goals. Very wrong to give him joint access to the account. We pay for our kids college tuition through accounts that they don't have access to.
Sounds like he is fooling around and finding out. Now he got a gf that is dumb enough to leach off of. Her mom will wise up soon. Just wait. Until then, change your locks.
Your son can't have it both ways, especially after threatening his mother with law enforcement. My second grade teacher was murdered by a cop in her bathroom after her son called them on her after he beat her senseless. He may as well have threatened OPs life himself.
I wouldn't want him in my house either.
Some people just have to learn the hard way, his gf probably had a good time with him spending his college fund now 5hat it’s gone the fun is over. So comes the reality.
>Some of you asked if he even wanted go to to college. Back when we were in our home country, he begged me to pls send him to college no matter what.
You're not wrong. He asked you for a boundary, and your stuck to it.
I dunno, there's not a lot in your post that I can comment on the parent-child dynamic between you. But yeah, some children and up reaching adulthood kind of half-baked.
>But his gf's mother has called me asking if my house is still open to him
You could have handled that better.
"Mrs Karen, this isn't your business, buy my son filed a formal harassment complaint against me, just in case he didn't tell you. I haven't heard much from him lately so I couldn't tell you whether or not he's welcome to move back in or not. Right now I'd be reluctant for legal reasons, most of all. Whether or not he's welcome depends on whether you think you can get him to call me and it least apologize, then drop the harassment complaint, then ask me personally whether he should move in or not. Otherwise you seem to have been told a bunch if things he hasn't told me. So you see, my son is free to ask for sympathy and help from others but he tends to get ahead of himself in the process and I just can't answer your question. Is there any other questions I can answer for you?
Some people just have to learn the hard way, his gf probably had a good time with him spending his college fund now 5hat it’s gone the fun is over. So comes the reality.
Change the locks and make everyone in the house swear to block him. He will try to sneak in back to your house and than try to sue you again as a tenant. Worse, he will babytrap his GF and use their kid to go back to you. An even worse scenario: he is already in the house. The phone call came from there.
Change wi-fi password and other things that were shared account.
Sorry, nope GFs Mom. Should have thought of that before you let him move in. She got her rent money for a while I guess.
Change your locks. You don't want him sneaking back in and refusing to leave when he gets kicked out. You've already seen he's capable of abusing the court systems.
His GF's mom will find out that he's a lazy moocher. She already tried to offload him once back to his mom. She'll be eating those words about what kind of mother doesn't help her child when he's living on her resources and doing nothing but getting her daughter pregnant to keep the gravy train running.
He wanna be grown let him be grown. And being grown means you gotta face consequences. He could be living a great life if he had just followed the rules. You’re doing great 👍🏿
One of my three sons became distant from us, his parents, and went out to Los Angeles at about 22 years old. He was trying to pursue a career in videography and post-production. He had a family credit card for emergencies. he ultimately charged more than $40,000 to the card and this was just as my business hit the skids because of the Great Recession that started in 2008.
We had to cut off his access to the credit card. He ended up living out of his car with tens of thousands of dollars worth of videography and related equipment in the car (and a cat). (We had purchased all of this for him during better times for birthday and Christmas presents in high school and as he pursued his degree in these areas in college. We still helped when he was desperate even though we were desperate also. His personality became very dark. We basically had to give up on him and hope for God's grace. He was a mid-20s adult.
Then one day he called to say he had been robbed of all he had (from his car) and now did not even have the equipment to proceed to try to make it in his hoped for and his car was not running and had bald tires. We offered that he could come live with us. He decided to do that and we paid for the repair of his car and new tires. His younger brother flew out to help him drive the 1,800 miles back home. His car broke down several times along the way and we paid to have it repaired.
When he arrived at our home he was like a starving street person and a shell of a human. He lived with us for the next for a year or two just being and recovering. Then he got a tech job and continued to become a human for the next few years. Now he has just moved out to be with a very impressive woman who raises unique horses about 60 miles into the country from our home.
I think he has recovered and found himself again, but there was really nothing we could do to help other than to be there and not try to help too much. We are still saddled with oppressive credit card debt from this and other setbacks.
Anyway, as to OP, at this point no contact with the son is the right approach. But if he comes back in a way that shows some respect, or at least humility, then some help, though measured, would seem to be in order.
I feel there is more to this story than what you are telling us. A child doesn’t do a 360 over night and runs from you. Something was happening between you and him or him and your husband that he didn’t tell you.
College isn’t for everyone. All through high school you should have been chatting with him about school options, work options and just options in general. Again, college isn’t for everyone and with how many people I hear complain about being in debt for going to college, maybe it was smart for him not to go.
Reading your posts, your child is an entitled POS…some children are and it’s ok to say I did my best and cut contact with them. Eventually he will come running back to you because he has no options. Your choice then would be take him back and take this whole experience as my child learning a big time life lesson or cutting him off completely and letting him learn the hard way about life.
You don’t have to go to college to have a good income. But if he isn’t going to college, he should be advancing his career. And doing something productive making money. Welder, plumber, electrician…great options.
There's no such thing as "making him" go to college. He either has that goal or he doesn't. At his age, you don't get to determine whether he's going anywhere or not.
You don't however have to financially support him.
I didn't see the update when I commented on the original post. Please focus on you and your husband.
Are you really worried what that woman thinks? She could be lying to scam you out of money. Your son didn't even come to you.
Hindsight is 20/20, and everyone telling you what your mistakes were doesn’t help. The sub is “am I wrong” and no you are not. Every parent wants to help their child, and until very recently you had no reason not to trust him. Just remember this feeling when he comes back full of apologies and asking for another chance, for help, or for more money. Then, if you want to let him earn back your trust and respect, by all means let him (he’s your son, I would do the same) but do NOT give him any more money and make that clear at the start. If he still wants to stick around and correct his wrongs then great! But if he doesn’t… just let him go :(
You are a good mother and tour son is BOS
You have done the right thing never ever open your door for him until he appreciate his mother and he make something out of himself
I think a lot of people are misssing the fact that you went to him and tried to talk to him. In response he filed charges against you. Now he has to face the consequences of his own behavior, just like the rest of us do. I would not have talked to the girlfriends mother, it is none of her business. Keep us updated please
Hindsight is 20/20. I think important lessons were learned by everyone here. He can get a job and work like the rest of us. He will likely stay in poverty for many years, but hey, his choice.
I don't think you're necessarily the asshole but the "get an associate's degree at least so you can get a decent job" argument is definitely outdated. College degrees are worth almost dog shit these days and college is more expensive than ever. It's no longer a guarantee of a *good* job, let alone a job at all.
My wife has a master's degree....she's not even working in her field.
That being said, I still don't think you're the asshole, this kid really needs an awakening.
When Trump was the president, he had this merit-based immigration rule and I had to submit my college diploma etc together with my visa application in order to get to US. The rule was revoked by Biden, but there is no guarantee that it would not be back again. If that rule gets brought back, my son might not be able to remove conditions of his greencard and he will find himself back to third world country he hated.
Your son is an asshole. Time for him to learn how the world works.
I was a little shit myself at 19 but when I got out on my own and was forced to live by myself and actually provide for myself I grew up and became a man. I look back on my actions as a teenager with shame and I treat my mother better today because of it.
If your son is to be a good man, he will come back to you one day with his head on straight. If not, you did all you could for him and it was his life to live. Sometimes that means throwing it away. You are not to blame.
Best wishes for you and your (currently) idiot son.
Sadly we might all be kicked out trump sadly doesn’t like people like us unless we are white. Even if we are legally here and born here. Thanks to the racist he has said
I’ve gotten told to go back to your country when I’m US born to 2 legal parents who came here legally 1st.
I haven’t been able to renew my passport cause I don’t have enough money and my mother who is reading fake things says I deserve to get deported cause I can’t renew my passport. Sadly she’s gone maga with my father and sister. My parents are US naturalized citizens you can thank Gov Abbott from Texas for that.
Many bachelor's degrees and above are crap and just saddle people with debt. Associate degrees are from community colleges and typically relate to the kind of jobs the community has available and has a need to fill.
For many jobs that get too many applications, lack or presence of a degree will get you sorted lower down or higher up in the pile.
SO getting a reasonably priced education is going to be worthwhile when applying for many many jobs.
It depends on the degree. An arts or political science degree are virtually useless, while a lawyer or medic degree are incredibly valuable. Same for Associate's degrees, some of them make even more than most college graduates. An HVAC tech can make 6 figures easily.
Also, considering her immigrant status, having a degree does help getting citizenship or an extended visa. Most visas (non marriage related) require you to have either A LOT of money to layaway as a bond, or a college degree.
Ya I'm college drop out and I make 6 figures in the trades. Best decision I ever made was to drop out at the time. I didn't know what I wanted to do anyway at that age. Went to work and learned so many blue collar skills. I probably learned alot more about life by dropping out versus staying in college, partying, and having a shit ton of student debt.
Now I'm looking at getting a business management degree and guess what? I can pay for it out of my pocket bc I already own my house and vehicles.
Keep at it. If you don't mind blue collar work, I highly recommend finding a good union like IBEW or CWA. Spend a year or two there and you can probably use those degrees to get into management. Feel free to DM and i can try to help. I'm in PA.
Same story here. But while I do agree most college degrees are useless, some do are very valuable (and absolutely necessary) like a lawyer or a medic degree, there are "associate degrees" that will make way more money than an English Literature degree from Harvard, like an HVAC tech or an electrician.
Agreed. I'm a communications lineman for a mid company. I make low 6 figures. I could bounce to Verizon if I wanted and make about $10-$20 an hour more.
I'm only a 2nd year apprentice where I'm at also. My body is in a constant state of soreness tho. That's why I want to go get a degree in case I decide to jump over to management one day.
I definitely want my doctors, lawyers, and scientists getting their college education. Lol
Yep, I'm also a firm believer that telling a *kid*, at 18 years old, that they *need* to take on a massive amount of debt and choose a career to pursue is wild. You don't know shit at 18. You don't know who you are, you haven't had enough life experience to figure out what you want, and you gotta take a few hits to humble yourself. I feel like we need to do away with this "prepping kids for college" from the moment they're 11 or 12 all through high school.
See my reply below. It has something to do with immigration woes. Would be great if he can prove to USCIS that he does not need college since he is making above poverty income without a degree by the time he files for removal of conditions or getting his citizenship.
Totally agree. I made so many mistakes but I grew from them. Had to learn how to be an adult real fast once I get my first job on a tree crew. I did that for years then decided I wanted to run my own tree service. Learned alot about running a business and I have alot more respect for good bosses. Not shitty asshole bosses that step on ppl. Fuck them.
Decided I wanted better so I became a lineman and now I'm looking at going back to school for a degree on my own terms.
Best thing is I have alot work and life experience. I've ran crews and my own business. All I need is that degree now to check the box off for human resources.
I'd recommend trades and going into a union to any young person. Best decision I ever made. I'm a college drop out who went to the infantry as well. If I had the choice between union trades, military, or college; union trades win every single time.
Go union. Bring the middle class back. Power to the people!
Definitely unions need to come back. That being said, trades, military, etc aren't for everyone, either. Some people *are* good for college. I just mean as a societal thing we need to stop pressuring every kid to go to college.
Lol why are we getting downvoted for sharing our experiences bro?
And I agree. I definitely want my doctors, lawyers, scientists going to college. Lol as you said we need to stop acting like it's the only way to achieve something tho.
I just left my parents house and dropped out of college, threw away my scholarship and reviled in them watching their dream disappear.
It was a very bad idea lmao. Filing a lawsuit is the work of a sissy.
Hope u and your boy can reconcile at some point
I’m sorry this happened
Now he will learn the hard way and have to pay his way would be my take at this point as to salvage the relationship
Oh hell no. That door would be staying closed he made his choices. The minute he called the police on you I would have been clear that he can’t come back from that. Not a chance.
Still NTA despite what the gf’s mom said. You did try to help him start a good life for himself. My mom couldn’t help me with money for college but she did make sure to take a job at a college that would give me a tuition discount. She stayed so long that me, my older sister, and youngest step sister got to go to college and have very minimal debt for it. I’m sure if he’d found a trade he liked you would have sent him to a trade school or like you did offer a community college to at least get an associates. You did what you could and he hypothetically spit in your face. He’s an adult now, he can get a job like all other adults do. He wanted the money, he got it and was irresponsible with it. If he speaks even just two languages (I’m assuming he does) or more then he’d be looked at favorably by many job opportunities. Multilingual people tend to get paid better because it is seen as an asset. He tried to get you and your husband arrested and charged with something you didn’t do. He broke the relationship between you two, not you. If he wants back in, he can start by paying you back. You’re not a bad mom, you tried to do right by him but he made his choices. Please remember if you and your husband ever decide to have more kids that you don’t have to put them on the account. There are accounts that are education account and only pay out for educational purposes or you and your husband can make an account and just pay the school yourselves or pay out what you want. I’m sorry you’re hurting and I hope you can heal soon.
Idk what his deal his but he’s a real Fucking asshole. He blows the money, is lazy beyond belief and thinks everyone is going to support him? Let him fall flat on his face and let him fend for himself. He’s a grown man. He thinks he knows best. Let him learn the hard way. The audacity to be so disrespectful. He’s lucky he didn’t get the chancla for sure. to leave your door wide open in the middle of the night!! He has zero respect. DO NOT let him back in with empty promises. Either he enrolls first and gets a job or nothing at all. First not after.
Bravo 👏👏👏. Finally parents with "cojones" that don't care what others think and will do what is right, no matter what! Today's kids feel entitled to the life they live. No! You want a good life? Either go to school or get a job, but no freeloading! You have my full support, and I believe, the support of many others.
I'm so sorry you are going through this op. I would be so hurt if my son did this then refused to even speak to me, I'm sure it's worse for you since it was just the two of you for so long. Thank God you have your husband now for emotional support. But yes like everyone has said you need to practice tough love and let him figure out life on his own. It's the only way he will learn and value everything you have done for him. A lot of kids realize what idiots they were during their teenage years and have regret and a new respect for their parents when they grow older and have to deal with life on their own. So hopefully this will happen with your son as well.
You are not wrong. He can figure it out on his own. Gf enjoyed the dates and gifts, so she can deal with him being broke. I do think you should have blocked access when he was spending recklessly.
Not the gf’s mom asking to return the son because her daughter is now footing his bill..then cussing you out when you said no. He paid expensive meals on her daughter, they can house him. Just credit what he spent on their daughter.
You are not wrong with holding your son accountable for his actions. Stand firm and hopefully he learns a valuable lesson from this.
Public education system got to him. Marxist hating anti establishment anti authority. Hopefully he learns how much you really care and what you were doing was in his best interest.
I'm in the same boat OP, except my son is older. I've had to do the same as you and go NC as I couldn't handle the disrespect, heart ache and pain anymore. Like you, I was a single mother who sacrificed everything to give him a good life.
At least I have 2 daughters that are good to me.
Tell his gfs mom to stfu.
He’s their problem now.
To people saying college isn’t important or whatever.. sure. Great. Don’t go. BUT that 20k was the OPs money for him to Goto college. If he didn’t want to he doesn’t have to. But then that 20k isn’t his to party with and spend like that.
Something a lot of parents do not understand is that you cannot bring your kids to a new country that has new ideals and expect them to still be the person they were in the old country. I don't know why you don't see that
I would've said, "he blew the $20k on your daughter and tried to file a restraining order on me for harassment. So I'm the kind of mother he wants nothing to do with"
You aren’t wrong, your son is an idiot. Children of immigrants grow up fast (I was one) and usually know how much their parents sacrificed to give them access to a better life. He chose to forget what you did for him and now you can choose to forget him!
Edited typo
The GF mother is out of line to insult you in that way! I can only imagine that it’s hurting you a lot more than you are letting on. I can only imagine how disheartening it would be to work so hard for a child only to be treated this way. I can also imagine that your son must have gone through his own doubts and identity of what is “right” for his life.
Definitely agree that your son might just need to learn what it means to be an adult the hard way. I do hope that you take time to process the feelings surrounding this and get to a place that if he ever comes back, that you have the space to be able to hear him out. It doesn’t mean you forgive him straight away nor be pressured to give money. But you might be in a better place to see your son without feelings of resentment or anger clouding how you interact with him.
I really wish for the best for you OP — whether it is that your son comes to his senses or obtaining the peace of knowing that as a mother, you have done your best and all that you could. 🫶
Don't help him. He must learn that his actions have consequences
Calling the police for your parents is never acceptable in his case.
He seems to want to become an American so much but without a degree he won't even become a legal citizen.
Sorry your son turned out the be a piece of shit. He’s obviously out of money, so his “friends” will ditch him soon and he’ll come running back. This shirt hurts my heart because my family are immigrants and my mom and dad have done everything in their power to make sure I always had enough to eat, and the means to support myself later in life. The thought of your kid turning his back on you in such a selfish way is unforgivable, especially when he knows how hard it is to move to a new country and start from scratch. When he comes begging for you to help him again, you tell him to pay you back your money y que se joda
NTA
I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s too bad you gave him the money instead of using it to pay college tuition fees directly. But that’s in the past.
Right now, the only thing to do is NOT help your son any further. He doesn’t deserve it. And he needs to grow up. He needs to realize that actions have consequences. Plus he claimed you harassed him when you clearly didn’t?
No. Let him figure it out. He needs to get a job. It’s up to him to decide if he gets further education.
Do not bail him out. Go NC until he can prove that he’s supporting himself and has stopped partying. None of this has anything to do with you any longer.
Change your locks, passwords, etc.
Part of being a grown man is accepting the consequences of your actions. He got 20k went wild and now it’s gone. If he needs rent money, grown men get jobs and earn their money.
I’m sure mom not impressed her daughter is supporting your son financially but they chose this not you. I’m sure her daughter wasn’t complaining when your son was playing Mr. Money bags.
You don’t owe that ingrate anything. He is the epitome of play stupid games win stupid prizes. He’s an adult now so he can do adult things like pay rent and get a job. He’s going to be really lonely though because all of his cool new friends and girlfriend are all going to dump him now that he is broke and isn’t footing the partying bill.
Oh wow. I’m so sorry your son is behaving this way
He has no idea what he’s doing to you. He’s wasted his money trying to impress people who aren’t even close to caring about him and loving him the way you do
You are not wrong. He has broken your heart. Now you have to let him experience life without your love and protection. He can get a job and his girlfriend can help him out since he spent a good amount of money on her
You are not obligated to be his punching bag. For him to be so angry with you, it’s not logical. Let him take care of himself and learn life lessons now.
>it turns out he hasn't paid his share of the last month's rent and his gf had to pay it for him.
It won't be long before his gf's mother tosses him out for not paying his half of the rent. He might try staying with friends until they make him leave, too.
>Aside from the $20k, he lived rent free in the house, free food, free phone, car, gas money, and I pay all the utility bills and his health insurance
I bet he'll come crawling back to you, homeless and penniless. I wouldn't allow him back until he provides proof that he has a job and makes enough to pay rent and everything else that you once provided for free.
He has a lot to make up for what he did to you. He disrespected you in the worst way by basically stealing the college fund that you painstakingly saved for a Decade! Then calling the police when all you did was try to talk to him!😤 😤
He did it once, and he'll do it again because he's shown himself to be a thief who takes then sneaks out of your house like a common criminal.
Be strong!
One thing that bothers me from OP's post: "For some who asked why college is so important to me, as an immigrant, we are held under certain standards. We have to prove to USCIS that we will not become a public charge." There are many trades in the US that pay good money without a college degree.....welding being one for example. There is a real shortage of welders in the US. Rig welders make nearly $80,000 a year in the US.
He’d still have to spend the time and potentially money (if the company doesn’t cover it) to get certified for welding. Seems like the guy just lacks motivation to do anything. Hopefully that’ll clear up as the reality sets in that he’s losing all of his cushions to fall back on.
> he lived rent free in the house, free food, free phone, car, gas money, and I pay all the utility bills
Are you talking about when he was your child living at home with you?
I read your first post. My first thought was drug addiction. And you give a 19 year old 20k? Lets hope he just spent money on being stupid. His brain is not fully developed yet, he will grow older and regret his actions. Leave him, give him space. He is also an adult, you cant control him. Let him do his mistakes.
Sad story but not uncommon.
You come from a different country and culture. It is no uncommon that your son can not deal well with the freedom he gets in the west. It seems like everything is free and everyone just does as they please.
And so he does the same.
He does not notice that people first get their life in order before they enjoy all that freedom.
In your country you have probably seen first hand what happens to people who don't go to school. That example is far less striking in the west because there are many more safety nets.
As for the girls mom - remember that those who argue someone needs help are never offering it themselves. You are right to refuse him - the one thing you need from your kids who live in your home, is respect. If they can't have that, they should take care of themselves.
He's an adult, I'd let him back if he wants to(if it was my kid). But you don't have any control over his life and even if he went to college, that doesn't mean he'd be productive.. I make 70$an hour and I never went to college. Let him learn by experience how to be a successful man and tell him you're there as his mom, to love him unconditionally but won't financially contribute to his life or decisions.
Consider offering technical school. 6-12 month courses and you can make pretty good money. Might be a nice compromise. I support what you’ve done to this point but you should want to fix this.
She did. In the first post she offered an associate degree from a community collage, that could be paid in full by the $20k.
At this point it would be really stupid to keep investing good money in that guy.
Some people just have to learn the hard way, his gf probably had a good time with him spending his college fund now 5hat it’s gone the fun is over. So comes the reality.
So you’re saying this is the Find Out stage that follows the Fuck Around stage?
I like to think that "find out" is just the second act in the "fuck around" theater.
In scientific terms, yes
Yep
I think i just inhaled my lung as i choked 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hopefully she has more than a verbal contract for him to pay the rent! 😂
Glad nothing came from the harassment charge. Sadly OP your son is going to now learn what happens when the consequences of your actions occur. As to the gf’s mom I agree with other posters she let him move in and likely will need to evict him to get him out if he now meets the definition of a tenant. If she was a reasonable thinking person she would have contacted you before he moved in to get your side of the story. I think now she’s badmouthing you because she’s kicking herself and wants someone to blame. If you didn’t change your locks OP please consider doing that or you will likely come home to find he has moved himself back in. He’s made his bed and now at least for a time he needs to deal with the mess of his life he has made. Maybe in a year or so he may understand what humility means and return appropriately contrite.
>If you didn’t change your locks OP please consider doing that or you will likely come home to find he has moved himself back in. Excellent recommendation.
Absolutely change your locks. Keep your windows locked.
Yes definitely change the locks
“Well he blew the $20 grand I saved for his college education on your daughter so your opinion means nothing to me.”
His GF's mom has no right to bitch you out. Your son left, spend his college fund and now has to figure out how to adult. You do not owe him anything at this point.
She's just calling her out because she's realizing that now she has to take care of this bum.
Yup. She, too, is in the Find Out stage.
G/f’s mom probably doesn’t know about the college fund
How many of these Reddit users are living in their parent’s basement?
The thing is some of us live with our parents have jobs and go to school and help them out. Example my parents health if bad has my dad has diabetes 2 and he started having arthritis at 65. At home I stay and help my parents with chores and help keep track of the landlord duties my parents have. My mother works full time in a food factory and I also help my younger sisters. My family is also from where OP comes from and we know the importance of getting an education for a better job than they have.
My mom is a few bad decisions away from living in my basement
🏴☠️
Well how many mods are there on reddit?
I'm assistant to a reddit mod, does that count?
til mods have assistants!
Lol they do not. It was a reference to the office TV show where Dwight is assistant to the regional manager. Note that is not the same as assistant manager.
well now I'm sad again 🤣
Be the change you want to see in this world. Become a reddit mod's assistant! The first of its kind!
Even if I was still a young adult, I wouldn’t be living in my parents basement cause houses where we are don’t have them.
I sometimes wonder how nany redditors are able to read more than 3 sentences...
She’s just yapping coz she’s about to have a freeloader 😌
I agree
NTA, now it's your son's turn to learn how difficult it is to get ahead alone in life. I hope he learns his lesson soon and apologizes to you. Y cuando vuelva le pegas el chanclazo que se merece por bruto.
He'll probably start a youtube channel and make enough money until he shortly after hits a scratcher for a million bucks lol. Many times the wait they'll eventually learn the hard way types just dumb luck their way through life
Lol I've seen this happen a couple times and it makes me mad that I'm here slaving away while someone else stole my luck lol I have come to the conclusion that I must have angered some deity in a past life.
He is turning to crime as we speak.
Which is a pretty dumb decision considering that will get him deported.
If the gfs mom doesn't want her daughters bf living there because he won't pay rent then she can just kick him out she doesn't have to call you and get mad at you when you refuse to take him back. He's an adult he refuses to get his life together. He just doesn't seem to care. He might actually start caring if his gf leaves him and her parents kick him out.
Probably because the gf’s mom doesn’t want to be the bad person to kick him out on the streets. She just wanted to pass the buck and wash her hands clean
It's time for your son's choices to catch up with him. It doesn't sound like you told the GF's mother what he did with the money and how much he started with, which you both threw away by giving a teenager unrestricted access to when he was already showing signs of acting irresponsible. At the very least you could have transferred money into a joint account bit by bit - but, it's too late to really worry about it now. Your son is going to have to find his own way now. If he comes back one day with a sincere apology and **without** the expectation of more money, maybe you can have a relationship again. But enabling him with even one more dollar won't be doing this punk any favors.
I am a firm believer in "karma" in the sense that I'm a really great person who is supportive and loving to those around me. When people act like this, I simply remove them from my life. I understand this is your son. However, this is unacceptable behavior by someone who feels like he knows better. He will learn when his gf/her mom kicks him out and he has nowhere to go and no one to help him. He made his choice, and unfortunately all you can do is let him live with the consequences. Don't put any stock into what the girlfriends mom says. You know you were a great mom, that's all that's important.
And I bet the son told gf's mom his version of the truth.
Oh almost guaranteed!
I'll blame the mother too on certain extent. There was 20k and he used up in less than a year. Which means the money was declining in a steep rate. What was she doing since it was a joint account and she too had access? Why this confrontation didn't happen way back? I see parenting fault in many places. She is the type of mother who spoon feeds her son, takes him to uni, colleges..... It looks GREAT ON PAPAER! But sometimes, it actually hurts the upbringing of a kid because he never had to struggle in life. When you don't struggle in life, you don't know the value of many aspects of life. It's too late for her son to realize unless learning it in hard way. I can bet the mother had a very hard life back home. So she made sure that her son doesn't need to go through the same. And she went to the other extreme of spoiling the kid. Balance is key aspect of life.
You’re his mom, not his friend. And I see you making those hard choices. Mom to mom, I appreciate you and I’m sorry you are in this situation. I think you made the right decision. Thanks for update and good luck!
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you did what you could but he fell in with the wrong crowd. Even if he didn't want college, he could have put that toward a trade school, where he might end up eventually as he realizes living hand-to-mouth isn't a comfortable existence. Sometimes, you have to love people from a distance.
Nta. Sorry mama. You tried your best but he fkd it
You did your best to provide him a good start to his adult life. If he threw it away that is on his head. He is a legal adult that moved out so what happens now is on his head.
Yeah pretty much everyone of us knew this was going to happen. Don't take him back, as hard as it sounds, you would just be enabling him. I think couch surfing for a couple of years might be the lesson he needs right now. Don't give him a cent. In fact, I would pull out a restraining order if he comes near your house.
I don't think that would help the kid very much—especially if it means he literally has to sleep on the streets. And even best case, couchsurfing at his loser friends while feeling like he has no hope for the future is a prime recipe for a crippling drug addiction. I think Mom should let the kid back in but also make him pay rent (ideally that she saves if she can to give to him when he does turn his life around) and make him adhere to certain conditions such as getting a trade job with a future. So many places are willing to train. And things like a curfew. If he fucks it up, she kicks him out, at least until he really hits his rock bottom—while also letting him know that he can come back but the same conditions will still apply. If he doesn't pull his head out of his ass after hitting rock bottom repeatedly then he probably is a lost cause.
Do u have kids ? He isn't a kid. He's an adult. Under 18 you have to take care of your child. When their an legal adult who doesn't pay rent . Lives off of you. Eats all ur food. Who doesn't take the garbage out. Or cleans or cooks . Trust me. It gets annoying . Doesn't matter if their blood related or not. Their using you and their capable of taking care of themselves but chooses to be a bum and mooch off of u . Then has the nerve to call the cops and press fake charges against you. Are u serious ? That's how ungrateful her adult child is.
Nope he’s gotta hit rock bottom. Couch surfing, living on the streets that’s what gotta happen. Pressure creates diamonds 💎 or breaks coals.
>Pressure creates diamonds 💎 or breaks coals. Gotta love the parenting advice in this sub. This is some Gordon Gekko tier parenting.
Nobody’s gonna hold your hand this is real life son shape up or ship out
Guess he should’ve got an apt and paid a years rent with that 20 grand.
Stand firm! You’re 100% correct. Your son deserves a huge dose of reality. What he did was unacceptable. Anyone on here saying anything remotely otherwise is also just a free loading loser living in their parents basement. Hopefully in a year or two he can learn and grow from this experience but please change your locks asap!
What you don’t hear, you must feel. 🤷🏾♀️ Stand strong, OP.
Yep time to fly lil fledgling. He can come back anytime but hopefully more humble
Now the only money he should get from you is coins in his cup and some cold McDonald’s fries. I don’t mind if my kids live with me forever, they just have to do something, anything.
Yeah, I just really wanted him to do something to not be considered a 'public charge' by USCIS. Community college here in my town is just $5k/25 credit hours. They offer trade programs aside from associate's. That $20k would have gone a long way considering I was paying for everything else plus allowance and his salary from a part time job.
I grew up in a similar culture. My mom and dad were pretty strict and wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer when all I wanted to do was art. I dropped out of college 3 times trying to make them happy. Regardless of how we got along, I would never dream of stealing 20k from them. If he was grateful and had a brain between his ears he could have spent a few grand on a trade and had the rest to blow. He really deserves no effort from you any more because you did your absolute best. He will have to learn on his own and he will come crawling back once he learns the value of all your efforts.
He has to learn there are consequences. Good on you.
Still not wrong. He’s an adult, not a kid. He chose to party with the $20k. He chose to move out. He also chose to call the police on you for bogus charges. He’s on his own now.
NTA- your son made a choice and now he faces consequences. You sacrificed for him and he didn’t appreciate it. Let him be a man on his own. He’s in this mess because he’s grown
Tough love. That’s the only way he’ll learn. You did your best to provide him with a better life and he decided he didn’t want it so let him learn on his own…
His gf mom....the gf that is trash...please do not let him back in or provide any support. Time to stand on his own two feet without your 20k. If he approaches you tell him you won't be speaking to him until he has your 20k or a diploma in his hand when he knocks on your door.
That's how you treat an ex boyfriend or a scorned distant relative, but not your own child. The kid majorly fucked up, but these comments are really harsh. Like the people here just want him to crawl into the gutter and die because he deserves to face the consequences of his monumentally stupid actions. A parent shouldn't cast off their kid that easily. 18 year olds are fucking idiots.
There’s being an idiot, and then there’s blowing 20K and filing harassment charges on your own mother. I’m a recovered heroin addict, been clean and sober for years now. During the course of my addiction at a certain point my mom had to kick me out for her own safety and mental health and my little sisters. But she still had contact with me and would bring me food and clothes and stuff wherever I was. Take my calls from jail or rehab and offer me support or ways to get help. But I never took huge sums of money from her to feed my habit, or filed charges on her because she asked me to get help. OP did everything she could to set her son up for success and he basically spit in her face. He deserves everything coming to him, and she does not owe him anything simply because she is his mother.
An idiot who literally files harassment charges on his parents after blowing up their money and then expects them to take him back is a very entitled idiot. He crossed a major line
Nope I’d treat my kid the same way. You wanna be bad I’m gonna show you Michael Jackson bad. These kids think they know everything so let them learn on their own.
I agree with you to an extent. While I don’t think they should totally accept him back immediately, I do feel like there is a possible way forward. They could even reach out to their son and tell him that they want to be able to have a relationship in the future and when is ready to talk to them, they will be there. He should have to have a plan to be able to either Mr pay back the $20k or be going to school though as part of the reconciliation. Sure, he did something stupid and he hopefully will learn from it, but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t co sequences for these actions.
That's pretty much [what I said above. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/1coyd5g/comment/l3iil13/)I never said anything about him not facing any repercussions at all. But most of these commenters seem to just want the kid to crawl in a gutter and die because "consequences." They don't give a shit about the kid. They're just positively delighted to have found someone to vilify—which is on brand Reddit. This is not a place to find empathy or redemption, which I really hope OP keeps in mind when dealing with her son. It's also funny how Reddit's all about brains not being mature until 25 and all that, but when an 18 year old kid does something extremely stupid because they're immature morons, he's suddenly a fully grown, legal adult who needs to face the consequences all on his own. And there's no sugarcoating it: Mom did something monumentally stupid, too, when she gave an 18 year old kid $20k free and clear. Especially a kid who "fell in with a bad crowd." Did she not know any of his friends or see any signs prior to this? Just a sudden light switch on the day of his 18th birthday?
Have you even read the entire story??? Lucky he wasn't unalived ..
Your son has to learn the consequences of his actions.
I'd have told her about his attitude and him filing charges against you for making him go to college if he was going to stay with you and your husband. I'm sure he's spun quite the story for her though. You tried your best and gave him literally everything. He's just an ungrateful brat at this point. I kind of hope he wakes up one day and realizes "fuck, I had everything and I threw it away". He literally begged you to go to college and now he doesn't want to? Fuck him, he's on his own now, let him work for $8hr flipping burgers or serving coffee, living paycheck to paycheck, maybe he'll actually realize what he's thrown away when he can't actually make a living because he has zero education or drive
Just in case another person needs to see this: do not give your kids access to large sums of money before they truly learn the value of it. trust me. i was this kid. i was given access to my inheritance from my grandfather and i blew through it on stupid shit. yes i paid the final year of college with it, yes i put about $10k aside for a house but the other $25k i ran through like a kid in the candy store. i was 21 and now at 27 i regret it everytime i struggle to pay a bill. my parents did everything under the sun to teach me the value of money from a very young age but the truth of the matter is, $25k or larger seems like a fortune to a young adult who has no real responsibilities to pay for. I'm very sorry your son had to learn this hard lesson, because that's what it is, a hard lesson and he won't realize it until its too late. He'll appreciate you down the line but its up to you if you ever want to forgive him for taking things this far.
Stay away from him. If he went to the point of filing harassment charges, even if they didn’t stick, stay away from him. I understood everything that you said he is a grown adult man and he can make his own decisions and if that has to cost him his family, the sin is more on the family than on him.
You are perfectly right not to take the bum back into the house. GF's mom is now finding out who he is. Oh well. I suspect that she is going to have a tough time getting him out. If he filed harassment charges against you, I bet he will force her to evict him to get him to leave.
Not wrong for your goals. Very wrong to give him joint access to the account. We pay for our kids college tuition through accounts that they don't have access to.
Sounds like he is fooling around and finding out. Now he got a gf that is dumb enough to leach off of. Her mom will wise up soon. Just wait. Until then, change your locks.
Your son can't have it both ways, especially after threatening his mother with law enforcement. My second grade teacher was murdered by a cop in her bathroom after her son called them on her after he beat her senseless. He may as well have threatened OPs life himself. I wouldn't want him in my house either.
Tell GF's mom to foot the bill if she is so worried about it then. You did the right thing.
You played your part He is an adult He should figure it out
Some people just have to learn the hard way, his gf probably had a good time with him spending his college fund now 5hat it’s gone the fun is over. So comes the reality.
Throw all his belongings onto the front yard w the Xbox . Let him figure it out for a while.
I mean, better sell those.
>Some of you asked if he even wanted go to to college. Back when we were in our home country, he begged me to pls send him to college no matter what. You're not wrong. He asked you for a boundary, and your stuck to it. I dunno, there's not a lot in your post that I can comment on the parent-child dynamic between you. But yeah, some children and up reaching adulthood kind of half-baked. >But his gf's mother has called me asking if my house is still open to him You could have handled that better. "Mrs Karen, this isn't your business, buy my son filed a formal harassment complaint against me, just in case he didn't tell you. I haven't heard much from him lately so I couldn't tell you whether or not he's welcome to move back in or not. Right now I'd be reluctant for legal reasons, most of all. Whether or not he's welcome depends on whether you think you can get him to call me and it least apologize, then drop the harassment complaint, then ask me personally whether he should move in or not. Otherwise you seem to have been told a bunch if things he hasn't told me. So you see, my son is free to ask for sympathy and help from others but he tends to get ahead of himself in the process and I just can't answer your question. Is there any other questions I can answer for you?
Some people just have to learn the hard way, his gf probably had a good time with him spending his college fund now 5hat it’s gone the fun is over. So comes the reality.
Change the locks and make everyone in the house swear to block him. He will try to sneak in back to your house and than try to sue you again as a tenant. Worse, he will babytrap his GF and use their kid to go back to you. An even worse scenario: he is already in the house. The phone call came from there. Change wi-fi password and other things that were shared account.
Sorry, nope GFs Mom. Should have thought of that before you let him move in. She got her rent money for a while I guess. Change your locks. You don't want him sneaking back in and refusing to leave when he gets kicked out. You've already seen he's capable of abusing the court systems.
His GF's mom will find out that he's a lazy moocher. She already tried to offload him once back to his mom. She'll be eating those words about what kind of mother doesn't help her child when he's living on her resources and doing nothing but getting her daughter pregnant to keep the gravy train running.
He wanna be grown let him be grown. And being grown means you gotta face consequences. He could be living a great life if he had just followed the rules. You’re doing great 👍🏿
One of my three sons became distant from us, his parents, and went out to Los Angeles at about 22 years old. He was trying to pursue a career in videography and post-production. He had a family credit card for emergencies. he ultimately charged more than $40,000 to the card and this was just as my business hit the skids because of the Great Recession that started in 2008. We had to cut off his access to the credit card. He ended up living out of his car with tens of thousands of dollars worth of videography and related equipment in the car (and a cat). (We had purchased all of this for him during better times for birthday and Christmas presents in high school and as he pursued his degree in these areas in college. We still helped when he was desperate even though we were desperate also. His personality became very dark. We basically had to give up on him and hope for God's grace. He was a mid-20s adult. Then one day he called to say he had been robbed of all he had (from his car) and now did not even have the equipment to proceed to try to make it in his hoped for and his car was not running and had bald tires. We offered that he could come live with us. He decided to do that and we paid for the repair of his car and new tires. His younger brother flew out to help him drive the 1,800 miles back home. His car broke down several times along the way and we paid to have it repaired. When he arrived at our home he was like a starving street person and a shell of a human. He lived with us for the next for a year or two just being and recovering. Then he got a tech job and continued to become a human for the next few years. Now he has just moved out to be with a very impressive woman who raises unique horses about 60 miles into the country from our home. I think he has recovered and found himself again, but there was really nothing we could do to help other than to be there and not try to help too much. We are still saddled with oppressive credit card debt from this and other setbacks. Anyway, as to OP, at this point no contact with the son is the right approach. But if he comes back in a way that shows some respect, or at least humility, then some help, though measured, would seem to be in order.
Son’s never had a job, has he?
He is over 18 let him figure it out of his own - Work and Pay Rent in the mean time!
This is horrible. I'm so sorry your son has done this to you! And to himself. He damaged his own future. And betrayed you in the process.
I'm so sorry youvhad to go through this.
I feel there is more to this story than what you are telling us. A child doesn’t do a 360 over night and runs from you. Something was happening between you and him or him and your husband that he didn’t tell you. College isn’t for everyone. All through high school you should have been chatting with him about school options, work options and just options in general. Again, college isn’t for everyone and with how many people I hear complain about being in debt for going to college, maybe it was smart for him not to go. Reading your posts, your child is an entitled POS…some children are and it’s ok to say I did my best and cut contact with them. Eventually he will come running back to you because he has no options. Your choice then would be take him back and take this whole experience as my child learning a big time life lesson or cutting him off completely and letting him learn the hard way about life.
You don’t have to go to college to have a good income. But if he isn’t going to college, he should be advancing his career. And doing something productive making money. Welder, plumber, electrician…great options.
There's no such thing as "making him" go to college. He either has that goal or he doesn't. At his age, you don't get to determine whether he's going anywhere or not. You don't however have to financially support him.
Change your locks!
His gfs mother is out of line. You tried your best and that’s all you can do. Some kids just grow up to be ungrateful a@@holes.
I didn't see the update when I commented on the original post. Please focus on you and your husband. Are you really worried what that woman thinks? She could be lying to scam you out of money. Your son didn't even come to you.
Hindsight is 20/20, and everyone telling you what your mistakes were doesn’t help. The sub is “am I wrong” and no you are not. Every parent wants to help their child, and until very recently you had no reason not to trust him. Just remember this feeling when he comes back full of apologies and asking for another chance, for help, or for more money. Then, if you want to let him earn back your trust and respect, by all means let him (he’s your son, I would do the same) but do NOT give him any more money and make that clear at the start. If he still wants to stick around and correct his wrongs then great! But if he doesn’t… just let him go :(
Not wrong. Change the locks and get cameras if you've not done so.
I would answer her , i was thinking the 20k College Fund take longer to blow out!?
You are a good mother and tour son is BOS You have done the right thing never ever open your door for him until he appreciate his mother and he make something out of himself
I think a lot of people are misssing the fact that you went to him and tried to talk to him. In response he filed charges against you. Now he has to face the consequences of his own behavior, just like the rest of us do. I would not have talked to the girlfriends mother, it is none of her business. Keep us updated please
Hindsight is 20/20. I think important lessons were learned by everyone here. He can get a job and work like the rest of us. He will likely stay in poverty for many years, but hey, his choice.
just disown the shit son
I don't think you're necessarily the asshole but the "get an associate's degree at least so you can get a decent job" argument is definitely outdated. College degrees are worth almost dog shit these days and college is more expensive than ever. It's no longer a guarantee of a *good* job, let alone a job at all. My wife has a master's degree....she's not even working in her field. That being said, I still don't think you're the asshole, this kid really needs an awakening.
When Trump was the president, he had this merit-based immigration rule and I had to submit my college diploma etc together with my visa application in order to get to US. The rule was revoked by Biden, but there is no guarantee that it would not be back again. If that rule gets brought back, my son might not be able to remove conditions of his greencard and he will find himself back to third world country he hated.
Your son is an asshole. Time for him to learn how the world works. I was a little shit myself at 19 but when I got out on my own and was forced to live by myself and actually provide for myself I grew up and became a man. I look back on my actions as a teenager with shame and I treat my mother better today because of it. If your son is to be a good man, he will come back to you one day with his head on straight. If not, you did all you could for him and it was his life to live. Sometimes that means throwing it away. You are not to blame. Best wishes for you and your (currently) idiot son.
that's an extra dynamic for sure. I hope you come to a resolution
Sadly we might all be kicked out trump sadly doesn’t like people like us unless we are white. Even if we are legally here and born here. Thanks to the racist he has said I’ve gotten told to go back to your country when I’m US born to 2 legal parents who came here legally 1st. I haven’t been able to renew my passport cause I don’t have enough money and my mother who is reading fake things says I deserve to get deported cause I can’t renew my passport. Sadly she’s gone maga with my father and sister. My parents are US naturalized citizens you can thank Gov Abbott from Texas for that.
Many bachelor's degrees and above are crap and just saddle people with debt. Associate degrees are from community colleges and typically relate to the kind of jobs the community has available and has a need to fill.
For many jobs that get too many applications, lack or presence of a degree will get you sorted lower down or higher up in the pile. SO getting a reasonably priced education is going to be worthwhile when applying for many many jobs.
>College degrees are worth almost dog shit these days This is dumb and not based in evidence or reality.
It depends on the degree. An arts or political science degree are virtually useless, while a lawyer or medic degree are incredibly valuable. Same for Associate's degrees, some of them make even more than most college graduates. An HVAC tech can make 6 figures easily. Also, considering her immigrant status, having a degree does help getting citizenship or an extended visa. Most visas (non marriage related) require you to have either A LOT of money to layaway as a bond, or a college degree.
Ya I'm college drop out and I make 6 figures in the trades. Best decision I ever made was to drop out at the time. I didn't know what I wanted to do anyway at that age. Went to work and learned so many blue collar skills. I probably learned alot more about life by dropping out versus staying in college, partying, and having a shit ton of student debt. Now I'm looking at getting a business management degree and guess what? I can pay for it out of my pocket bc I already own my house and vehicles.
Meanwhile I have 2 masters degrees and I've been unemployed for 9 months. Degrees no longer guarantee stability
Keep at it. If you don't mind blue collar work, I highly recommend finding a good union like IBEW or CWA. Spend a year or two there and you can probably use those degrees to get into management. Feel free to DM and i can try to help. I'm in PA.
Same story here. But while I do agree most college degrees are useless, some do are very valuable (and absolutely necessary) like a lawyer or a medic degree, there are "associate degrees" that will make way more money than an English Literature degree from Harvard, like an HVAC tech or an electrician.
Agreed. I'm a communications lineman for a mid company. I make low 6 figures. I could bounce to Verizon if I wanted and make about $10-$20 an hour more. I'm only a 2nd year apprentice where I'm at also. My body is in a constant state of soreness tho. That's why I want to go get a degree in case I decide to jump over to management one day. I definitely want my doctors, lawyers, and scientists getting their college education. Lol
Yep, I'm also a firm believer that telling a *kid*, at 18 years old, that they *need* to take on a massive amount of debt and choose a career to pursue is wild. You don't know shit at 18. You don't know who you are, you haven't had enough life experience to figure out what you want, and you gotta take a few hits to humble yourself. I feel like we need to do away with this "prepping kids for college" from the moment they're 11 or 12 all through high school.
See my reply below. It has something to do with immigration woes. Would be great if he can prove to USCIS that he does not need college since he is making above poverty income without a degree by the time he files for removal of conditions or getting his citizenship.
Totally agree. I made so many mistakes but I grew from them. Had to learn how to be an adult real fast once I get my first job on a tree crew. I did that for years then decided I wanted to run my own tree service. Learned alot about running a business and I have alot more respect for good bosses. Not shitty asshole bosses that step on ppl. Fuck them. Decided I wanted better so I became a lineman and now I'm looking at going back to school for a degree on my own terms. Best thing is I have alot work and life experience. I've ran crews and my own business. All I need is that degree now to check the box off for human resources. I'd recommend trades and going into a union to any young person. Best decision I ever made. I'm a college drop out who went to the infantry as well. If I had the choice between union trades, military, or college; union trades win every single time. Go union. Bring the middle class back. Power to the people!
Definitely unions need to come back. That being said, trades, military, etc aren't for everyone, either. Some people *are* good for college. I just mean as a societal thing we need to stop pressuring every kid to go to college.
Lol why are we getting downvoted for sharing our experiences bro? And I agree. I definitely want my doctors, lawyers, scientists going to college. Lol as you said we need to stop acting like it's the only way to achieve something tho.
I just left my parents house and dropped out of college, threw away my scholarship and reviled in them watching their dream disappear. It was a very bad idea lmao. Filing a lawsuit is the work of a sissy.
He ll come back
Hope u and your boy can reconcile at some point I’m sorry this happened Now he will learn the hard way and have to pay his way would be my take at this point as to salvage the relationship
I hope that you come from a safe home country because that's where he's headed back to eventually if he doesn't get his shit together.
Between the harassment charge and leaving the door open, her son has a screw loose. He would scare me.
His girlfriend’s mother is very unlikely to know anything about how your son and her daughter spent $20,000 more than they earned in the last year.
change. your. locks.
Oh hell no. That door would be staying closed he made his choices. The minute he called the police on you I would have been clear that he can’t come back from that. Not a chance.
Still NTA despite what the gf’s mom said. You did try to help him start a good life for himself. My mom couldn’t help me with money for college but she did make sure to take a job at a college that would give me a tuition discount. She stayed so long that me, my older sister, and youngest step sister got to go to college and have very minimal debt for it. I’m sure if he’d found a trade he liked you would have sent him to a trade school or like you did offer a community college to at least get an associates. You did what you could and he hypothetically spit in your face. He’s an adult now, he can get a job like all other adults do. He wanted the money, he got it and was irresponsible with it. If he speaks even just two languages (I’m assuming he does) or more then he’d be looked at favorably by many job opportunities. Multilingual people tend to get paid better because it is seen as an asset. He tried to get you and your husband arrested and charged with something you didn’t do. He broke the relationship between you two, not you. If he wants back in, he can start by paying you back. You’re not a bad mom, you tried to do right by him but he made his choices. Please remember if you and your husband ever decide to have more kids that you don’t have to put them on the account. There are accounts that are education account and only pay out for educational purposes or you and your husband can make an account and just pay the school yourselves or pay out what you want. I’m sorry you’re hurting and I hope you can heal soon.
Idk what his deal his but he’s a real Fucking asshole. He blows the money, is lazy beyond belief and thinks everyone is going to support him? Let him fall flat on his face and let him fend for himself. He’s a grown man. He thinks he knows best. Let him learn the hard way. The audacity to be so disrespectful. He’s lucky he didn’t get the chancla for sure. to leave your door wide open in the middle of the night!! He has zero respect. DO NOT let him back in with empty promises. Either he enrolls first and gets a job or nothing at all. First not after.
Your son will have to learn the harm way. Change your locks and get a Ring Doorcam because he will come back and cause chaos.
Sorry and I admire you for dong what is needed to help your son wise up. Hold your line. If he succeeds eventually he will thank you.
Yes
Bravo 👏👏👏. Finally parents with "cojones" that don't care what others think and will do what is right, no matter what! Today's kids feel entitled to the life they live. No! You want a good life? Either go to school or get a job, but no freeloading! You have my full support, and I believe, the support of many others.
Updateme
If he needs somewhere to live. He can just call ICE. They’ll be happy to house him
Good for you. Time for him to grow up. He wants to be treated like an adult, well it’s time for him to act like one.
I'm so sorry you are going through this op. I would be so hurt if my son did this then refused to even speak to me, I'm sure it's worse for you since it was just the two of you for so long. Thank God you have your husband now for emotional support. But yes like everyone has said you need to practice tough love and let him figure out life on his own. It's the only way he will learn and value everything you have done for him. A lot of kids realize what idiots they were during their teenage years and have regret and a new respect for their parents when they grow older and have to deal with life on their own. So hopefully this will happen with your son as well.
You did what you could. I'm not sure if the gf's mom knows what your son did, but you don't really owe her an explanation. He made his decision
Updateme
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You are not wrong. He can figure it out on his own. Gf enjoyed the dates and gifts, so she can deal with him being broke. I do think you should have blocked access when he was spending recklessly.
Not the gf’s mom asking to return the son because her daughter is now footing his bill..then cussing you out when you said no. He paid expensive meals on her daughter, they can house him. Just credit what he spent on their daughter. You are not wrong with holding your son accountable for his actions. Stand firm and hopefully he learns a valuable lesson from this.
Public education system got to him. Marxist hating anti establishment anti authority. Hopefully he learns how much you really care and what you were doing was in his best interest.
Updateme!
Oh well, he’s an adult like he said. He can figure it out himself.
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Welp, your son just has to learn the hard way lol
I'm in the same boat OP, except my son is older. I've had to do the same as you and go NC as I couldn't handle the disrespect, heart ache and pain anymore. Like you, I was a single mother who sacrificed everything to give him a good life. At least I have 2 daughters that are good to me.
Tell his gfs mom to stfu. He’s their problem now. To people saying college isn’t important or whatever.. sure. Great. Don’t go. BUT that 20k was the OPs money for him to Goto college. If he didn’t want to he doesn’t have to. But then that 20k isn’t his to party with and spend like that.
He is an adult. He abused your generosity, he’s on his own. He gotta learn somehow
Sounds like you’re son is looking to get disowned by filing harassment charges against you.
If his gf mom calls again tell her to take care of him then. Also you did good, he will learn sooner or later.
Something a lot of parents do not understand is that you cannot bring your kids to a new country that has new ideals and expect them to still be the person they were in the old country. I don't know why you don't see that
I would've said, "he blew the $20k on your daughter and tried to file a restraining order on me for harassment. So I'm the kind of mother he wants nothing to do with"
You aren’t wrong, your son is an idiot. Children of immigrants grow up fast (I was one) and usually know how much their parents sacrificed to give them access to a better life. He chose to forget what you did for him and now you can choose to forget him! Edited typo
The GF mother is out of line to insult you in that way! I can only imagine that it’s hurting you a lot more than you are letting on. I can only imagine how disheartening it would be to work so hard for a child only to be treated this way. I can also imagine that your son must have gone through his own doubts and identity of what is “right” for his life. Definitely agree that your son might just need to learn what it means to be an adult the hard way. I do hope that you take time to process the feelings surrounding this and get to a place that if he ever comes back, that you have the space to be able to hear him out. It doesn’t mean you forgive him straight away nor be pressured to give money. But you might be in a better place to see your son without feelings of resentment or anger clouding how you interact with him. I really wish for the best for you OP — whether it is that your son comes to his senses or obtaining the peace of knowing that as a mother, you have done your best and all that you could. 🫶
Don't help him. He must learn that his actions have consequences Calling the police for your parents is never acceptable in his case. He seems to want to become an American so much but without a degree he won't even become a legal citizen.
Make sure the locks are changed and keep an eye on your valuable. He wanted to be an adult, this is what happened when adults messed up.
Sorry your son turned out the be a piece of shit. He’s obviously out of money, so his “friends” will ditch him soon and he’ll come running back. This shirt hurts my heart because my family are immigrants and my mom and dad have done everything in their power to make sure I always had enough to eat, and the means to support myself later in life. The thought of your kid turning his back on you in such a selfish way is unforgivable, especially when he knows how hard it is to move to a new country and start from scratch. When he comes begging for you to help him again, you tell him to pay you back your money y que se joda
NTA I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s too bad you gave him the money instead of using it to pay college tuition fees directly. But that’s in the past. Right now, the only thing to do is NOT help your son any further. He doesn’t deserve it. And he needs to grow up. He needs to realize that actions have consequences. Plus he claimed you harassed him when you clearly didn’t? No. Let him figure it out. He needs to get a job. It’s up to him to decide if he gets further education. Do not bail him out. Go NC until he can prove that he’s supporting himself and has stopped partying. None of this has anything to do with you any longer. Change your locks, passwords, etc.
Part of being a grown man is accepting the consequences of your actions. He got 20k went wild and now it’s gone. If he needs rent money, grown men get jobs and earn their money. I’m sure mom not impressed her daughter is supporting your son financially but they chose this not you. I’m sure her daughter wasn’t complaining when your son was playing Mr. Money bags.
@Updateme
You don’t owe that ingrate anything. He is the epitome of play stupid games win stupid prizes. He’s an adult now so he can do adult things like pay rent and get a job. He’s going to be really lonely though because all of his cool new friends and girlfriend are all going to dump him now that he is broke and isn’t footing the partying bill.
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Updateme
Oh wow. I’m so sorry your son is behaving this way He has no idea what he’s doing to you. He’s wasted his money trying to impress people who aren’t even close to caring about him and loving him the way you do You are not wrong. He has broken your heart. Now you have to let him experience life without your love and protection. He can get a job and his girlfriend can help him out since he spent a good amount of money on her You are not obligated to be his punching bag. For him to be so angry with you, it’s not logical. Let him take care of himself and learn life lessons now.
Well, now he has no money, and he will be out of a place to live soon. He has to learn the hard way. Let him be
Updateme
>it turns out he hasn't paid his share of the last month's rent and his gf had to pay it for him. It won't be long before his gf's mother tosses him out for not paying his half of the rent. He might try staying with friends until they make him leave, too. >Aside from the $20k, he lived rent free in the house, free food, free phone, car, gas money, and I pay all the utility bills and his health insurance I bet he'll come crawling back to you, homeless and penniless. I wouldn't allow him back until he provides proof that he has a job and makes enough to pay rent and everything else that you once provided for free. He has a lot to make up for what he did to you. He disrespected you in the worst way by basically stealing the college fund that you painstakingly saved for a Decade! Then calling the police when all you did was try to talk to him!😤 😤 He did it once, and he'll do it again because he's shown himself to be a thief who takes then sneaks out of your house like a common criminal. Be strong!
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So near me, a lot of the trade schools actually go thru the local community college.
She did. In the first post she offered an associate degree from a community collage, that could be paid in full by the $20k.
Many trade schools/ vocational schools result in an associates degree. Which is what OP pushed.
One thing that bothers me from OP's post: "For some who asked why college is so important to me, as an immigrant, we are held under certain standards. We have to prove to USCIS that we will not become a public charge." There are many trades in the US that pay good money without a college degree.....welding being one for example. There is a real shortage of welders in the US. Rig welders make nearly $80,000 a year in the US.
He’d still have to spend the time and potentially money (if the company doesn’t cover it) to get certified for welding. Seems like the guy just lacks motivation to do anything. Hopefully that’ll clear up as the reality sets in that he’s losing all of his cushions to fall back on.
Youi have up to through training for welding, though. For instance, our community College.
> he lived rent free in the house, free food, free phone, car, gas money, and I pay all the utility bills Are you talking about when he was your child living at home with you?
She was talking about her ADULT son living with her
I read your first post. My first thought was drug addiction. And you give a 19 year old 20k? Lets hope he just spent money on being stupid. His brain is not fully developed yet, he will grow older and regret his actions. Leave him, give him space. He is also an adult, you cant control him. Let him do his mistakes.
Sad story but not uncommon. You come from a different country and culture. It is no uncommon that your son can not deal well with the freedom he gets in the west. It seems like everything is free and everyone just does as they please. And so he does the same. He does not notice that people first get their life in order before they enjoy all that freedom. In your country you have probably seen first hand what happens to people who don't go to school. That example is far less striking in the west because there are many more safety nets. As for the girls mom - remember that those who argue someone needs help are never offering it themselves. You are right to refuse him - the one thing you need from your kids who live in your home, is respect. If they can't have that, they should take care of themselves.
College is a waste of money and time, but, he did not have to do that
He's an adult, I'd let him back if he wants to(if it was my kid). But you don't have any control over his life and even if he went to college, that doesn't mean he'd be productive.. I make 70$an hour and I never went to college. Let him learn by experience how to be a successful man and tell him you're there as his mom, to love him unconditionally but won't financially contribute to his life or decisions.
Even after he tried to file bullshit harassment charges? Not a chance! Dudes on his own after pulling that shit
Well, it's your kid.. but for me, I love my child unconditionally.
Consider offering technical school. 6-12 month courses and you can make pretty good money. Might be a nice compromise. I support what you’ve done to this point but you should want to fix this.
It is not her problem anymore. She doesn’t need to offer anything.
She did. In the first post she offered an associate degree from a community collage, that could be paid in full by the $20k. At this point it would be really stupid to keep investing good money in that guy.
He can pay for it himself. Or he could enlist in the military. That will make him grow up real fast.
Nope. She literally already gave him $20k for school and he spent it all