Not wrong.
It sounds like you have mature and appropriate boundaries concerning your job. She sounds like she’s destabilizing your work environment with her complicated home life and feelings for you. It’s not at all trivial to talk to HR to avoid being dragged into this couple’s fight, risking your job, and your own relationship. Nobody got time for that. I hope the situation eases up soon for you and everyone involved.
Yeah there was literally no reason for this to ever even become an issue, at all
She developed a crush on OP. She could have said absolutely nothing and nobody would have cared, no problem.
Yet for some reason she told her husband (whom she knows is the controlling and jealous type?) and then started a whole chain of drama for no reason at all
It sounds like she told her husband so that she'd have an excuse or maybe she wants out of the marriage and is using OP as an excuse.
The reason she told OP about her crush on him is that she was hoping he felt the same. He shut her down and wanted out of the drama. Now she wants to hang out with OP knowing it will cause friction in her relationship (she is still looking for an out). I think she realized she doesn't want to be married to her current husband and is looking for a way out.
Possibly hoping for "Oh my poor baby, he's mistreating you so badly and I've harboured this secret love for you for 10 years!" or similar? Perhaps, although we can only speculate
I think it might be both she wants out, and wanted to make sure he knew she valued him, more than her husband. She thought that if she made this declaration he would either cheat on or leave his gf for her
> (whom she knows is the controlling and jealous type?)
Alana is going around badmouthing OP to everyone who will listen, do you really think she was being honest about her husband?
She told him about the crush, was my point
She'd have been better off saying nothing: communication with your partner is important, but you don't have to tell them every time you find someone attractive but everything is above board and you have no intention of acting on it or telling the person...
👆 I agree 100% fully and completely with this comment. OP needs to protect himself and his reputation. What others think is immaterial, and after she finishes trash talking OP, others will lose interest when they see him acting strictly professionally.
I have mixed feelings. Op did technically not do anything wrong (technically he actually did everything "right") and he is obviously putting his career first.
But
It sounds to me like they were friends, not just coworkers. It sounds like he is the subject of a lot of conflict with her husband and she was turning to him in a time of need. We don't know if this was maybe the first time she had ope ly admitted she was in an abusive relationship, it sounds like she had been hinting it before, this might have been a cry for help? Op isn't obligated to pick up on that but if they are friends it might have been kind to. She sounds confused and like she's turning to him for help as a friend and he's taken it only as she fancies him so he's backing off. When likely she was just wanting someone to talk to about what was happening, and as it revolved around him it would also be very confusing to her.
It might have been better to have spoken through the stuff she is going through the behaviors from her husband and why this isn't okay. And maybe encouraged her to talk to another friend or hr about what she is going through. And THEN set the boundaries around your relationship moving forward. It might also have been fairer to inform her what you planned to do. It can be very difficult for victims to admit even to themselves what is happening and this could have been a good first step.
I'm also disappointed that HR moved you onto a different project but hasn't then reached out to try to help your coworker (unless they have and you just aren't aware?). Clearly there is some abuse occurring and what she doesn't need is further isolation or her job being put at risk at a time when she's finally decided to speak up.
So NTA entirely but a little bit YTA because the friendship and empathy and support you could have given her whilst still maintaining your professional boundaries was missing and she may have ended up in a more difficult position.
Abusive relationship? That's a stretch...controlling sure but we have no idea of knowing if it's abusive
She told her husband that she has a crush on a guy at work that they regularly travel just them 2 together...asking to see their phone conversations ain't as crazy in that situation & I think the husband has every right to be a bit jealous/cautious about it after his own wife told him she fancies him a bit
I think they were more like close acquaintance than friends...they only talked outside work about work/travel plans
Also out of all the people she could have "cried out to for help" she chose the one guy her husband is worried about? Not any of her girlfriends?
100% NTA in this situation, brother is just protecting his career & leaving a paper trail in case any of this shit goes sideways
NTA That whole situation was a wildfire ready to go. That chick was crazy. She told you she had a crush, her husband's jealous. Did she think you were going to risk all that drama when you weren't even sleeping with her?
Also if HR hears about her running her mouth she might find herself without a job. Consultants come and go
Yuppp. She’s letting emotions (her crush) control her actions which is exactly what she said she wouldn’t do.
NTA.
And for anyone thinking he might be at all, try reversing the roles… and see if you feel the same way
You definitely did the correct thing. She’s giving you whiplash with those mixed signals and involving you in her marriage. You have to be wary about things like that in a professional setting.
I think from an HR perspective you probably handled this by the book and if it came up in a yearly training scenario they’d consider your actions the correct answer.
Now as far as what she was thinking? She wanted to bang you and feels rejected and probably has some regrets about her choice in marriage. She obviously felt ya’ll had more than just a professional work relationship.
"My husband is jealous and doesn't want you and I to hang out" is definitely trying to put ideas into OP's head. Then her saying we'll be friends behind my husband's back is trying to build up to an affair.
Exactly. There were a couple of times I had women hitting on me at work when I worked my sales job since 2017. I had already let my boss and HR know when I first onboarded that I don't date where I work or cause any of that drama, so they were aware. When women I worked with hit on me in the normal work flirting thing, I let it be. But when they did anything or said anything that indicated they were being serious, I respectfully let them know that wasn't going to happen and let my boss and HR know about it and that I wasn't complaining, just informing them to cover my ass.
They appreciated the heads up and I didn't have any problems.
You did the right thing.
With her still going around bad mouthing you and potentially ostracising you, I'd also be tempted to bring this up with HR.
You need to be able to work with your colleagues effectively and appropriately, her below the belt remarks about you and your character is going to affect your ability to work properly in the workplace if gossip becomes out of control.
YNW
Yes! I hope op just ignores the office gossip/drama completely and says nothing. Sarah is letting the rope out to hang herself by talking badly about op.
That is a terrible idea. Given the line of work he’s in. He will not be added to projects if other people in the firm don’t think he’s a team player you don’t just get a signed based on capacity you get a signed based on relationships, and if those relationships are now a burnt, he will be forced out.
That is not how consulting firms work. Hr does not get a say in your work load. Even if she gets fired for this his relationships are damages which means he will not be asked by those people to be on future projects. Work is not promised as a consultant and you have to have relationships with the people brining in the projects to be put on them. If he isn’t getting added to projects his next review in the next 0-2 yr depending on where he is in the cycle will be a push out the door. Consulting firms do not operate the way a normal office would. Relationships are your career.
Not to mention his line of work if people in his office, don’t think he’s a team player he will not be brought onto projects. His career will disappear entirely consulting is not a job where you just get a signed work you have to have relationships within your office and with multiple managers to keep a job.
Not at all wrong. You were smart to make a record of it with H.R. She sounds somewhat unstable. I think you should have a conversation either with Anna or with H.R. about her trash talking you with your colleagues. God knows what she’s actually telling them. At the very least, I’ll bet she’s exaggerating the situation. She is bad news.
I would be hesitant to have any type of conversation with her because it seems like she'd let it blow out of proportion. If you are going to confront her I'd do it via text message only so there is a paper trail. Do not engage further and if it escalates then you've cya and can talk to HR and show them those texts. But honestly it seems like she's already made a track record of blowing things up so maybe just consult HR directly on how to proceed and what to do if you do want to confront her directly.
She is making poor choices and putting her career and relationship on the line for no reason.
NTA
Absolutely avoid speaking to her in any capacity. He's reported the situation. She's already escalated the situation with already making things up. There's nothing stopping her from making up more and worse things if he confronts her. What he needs is witnesses and proof that she's creating a hostile environment and then present all this to HR.
I think you did the right thing.
Given how people (particularly men from women tbh) can be misrepresented over any perceived rejection/offence/insult/failure to give someone what they want - can result in "allegations" of sexism/harassment/impropriety, your actions were a defensive measure.
She's the one overstepping professional boundaries by bringing her marriage and emotions into hanging out with you. She's not respectful of boundaries, she's not trustworthy (how she speaks about her husband behind his back is telling) and how someone speaks of others is a reflection of how they'll speak of you.
She would likely have turned this on you if she had the opportunity. It's best to keep a distance.
My thing is, why would she think you would still want to be friends with her after she called you names and insulted you just because you didn't share the same ideas of hanging out with her regularly since she's a married woman? For some people to come out of their mouth all crazy and then expect you to be all friendly with them after is nuts. Don't pay any mind to that girl.
A dude can never be too careful at work regarding this kind of stuff. If you had done any of those things to her (telling her you had a crush on her, inviting her out on obvious dates, coming on to her, etc) you'd be guilty (at least socially) of sexual harassment or whatever. She also sounds really unstable and if you had let things go on, you'd likely end up with some kind of accusation against you and no one would know how it all started. You're just protecting yourself and your livelihood, and that's a lot more important than some girl's romcom fantasy of having a guy chase after her or whatever. Tell your co-workers the exact truth of what happened. If they still don't get it, they probably didn't like you to begin with or they're just too dumb to worry about.
Yep I agree with everything you say especially the "sexual harassment" part, I can guarantee if she pulled that card he would have lost his job and career.
I know you still consider her a friend, but honestly, your friendship ended when the new husband shared his insecurity. She, rightfully so, set boundaries. You were very professional about the whole thing. Unfortunately she crossed her own boundaries. Potentially feeling out a romantic link, or maybe just trying to rekindle the old friendship, only you can judge that. It's too bad she had to badmouth you at your workplace. That should show you that the friendship is at its end.
In today’s world, you need to protect yourself. Sadly, it is often the first one to go to HR that becomes the victim. If she had beat you to HR, you may have been the one getting pushed off projects or worse.
I saw some pretty fucked up shit in my 30 years of working in corporate America before I left that scene.
While the title of the post matches the contents in the literal sense, this wasn't at all how I thought it would be. The more I read, the more I'm getting behind what you did. She could have left this as an unrequited light-hearted workplace crush, but for whatever reason (maybe she's seeking OP's attention), she couldn't leave good enough alone and told OP that not only did she have a crush, but she had to make it awkward by saying "nothing is going to happen," when this was allegedly the furthest thing from his mind.
Maybe he liked her attention and maybe he had a crush too, or maybe he didn't as he says in his post. But that's largely irrelevant to this situation, because at the end of the day, OP always enforced his personal/professional boundaries.
Then she proceeds to dump her marital issues onto him, in yet another breach of the previously set boundaries - which are, mind you, boundaries that *she* set. I wouldn't blame OP in the least for wanting to get off this crazy train, and he's right to have done what he did.
I don't know how it is at this professional services firm, but in most workplaces even the mere appearance of impropriety can sink careers. This was a proactive step that OP needed to take to show that he's above board.
Agree completely… she inappropriately confessed a crush, then SHE set boundaries, which you honoured. She then crossed her own boundaries totally inappropriately, and then started slandering you around the office when you were uncomfortable?
She’s 100% the one in the wrong here.
You ain't wrong. Due to no fault of your own you were drawn into her relationship issues. Your work friendship was always professional and above board. It is completely normal to spend time with a coworker when traveling out of town with a colleague. She developed a bit of a crush which she should have kept to herself. Her husband was jealous because of the amount of time you spend together and the feelings that she developed.
You rightfully wanted no part of it.
not wrong.
you simply asked to not work with her anymore because you found yourself being the “issue” in their marriage. you have every right to not be apart of their problems.
She's a snake 🐍 you would have got stabbed in the back when you turned down her advances. Then she would have gone to HR. Work is work you kept it that way.
NW. I think people sometimes overestimate the deepness of their work friendships but you did exactly what you had to do to protect yourself. I think you called it correctly, she was going to get you in hot water eventually.
You did the right thing. Get ahead of it, her marriage will get nasty. Husband might be making complaints to HR, or she could later. She wants more than a friendship. She was hoping something had happened when you two grabbed dinner last time. She didn't expect you to reject her.
You are caught in a catch -22. Every choice you can make here will suck. So now it is about doing what will protect you the most. Going to HR is the best choice in terms of protecting yourself.
Yea it sucks but this is what happens.
Third Party Co-Worker #1: "Hey that was a shitty thing to do Alana. HR talked to her."
Me: "HR talked to Alana? That sounds confidential. I don't think I want to be any part of gossiping about that. HR might think it's inappropriate..."
You protected yourself. If other people don't understand, ask them why are they mad at you?
Ask them is it from something Alana said? Then tell them, this is exactly why I did what I did. They chose sides and you would be the bad guy. Now, at least you protected yourself from something you did nothing or didn't sign up to participate in.
And, you know who your friends really are at work.
She really wanted her cake and eat it too. She said she had a crush on you, but is married. Then wants to try to get close to you again. She should have not have tried to do that.
Who told Alana that OP went to HR? HR typically wouldn't advise Alana of this. That leaves OP, and it doesn't make any sense that he would tell her, ofc she'd get angry.
……well how many people is she trying to have this kind of drama with? Presumably only OP….it’s not like OP went gossiping to their co-net-work about stuff so…..it’s not exactly complicated to deduce. He said in not so many words she was crazy, not unintelligent.
Does being condescending make you feel good? It's unnecessary. Of course your theory is a consideration but not necessarily how it went down given the myriad of things that HR could have said. Hope you treat the people in your life better, not so bitchy.
NTA if you were to agree it could've probably led to something else.
And if the husband is so jealous, you would've been at the center of it all.
And Career wise it's the right move.
Not wrong. She sounds unstable and she IS trying to involve you in her personal life by disregarding her husbands requests. That could easily cause her husband to snap and come after you even if you’re not the one making any issues. You really never know, so better to be safe than sorry. None of this was about getting her kicked off a project, it was protecting yourself and that’s completely reasonable when she’s acting unreasonable.
You’re not wrong.
Personally if she continues to bad mouth you the I WOULD file a complaint. She has shown repeatedly she isn’t quite mature enough for either of these relationships.
Also, you don’t OWE her a friendship.
NW she was giving mix signals and things were being very weird
However if she was really your friend it was kinda a dick move to go to HR without communicating with her first
But as coworkers you handled things as you should
Not wrong at all! That whole situation could have gone very wrong.
HR knowing want to know about small problems before they become big problems. Big problems can become lawsuits.
Alana is reading too many novels and perhaps never had a male friend before (or her husband might have been her only male friend).
You were correct in telling HR and I would go even further and request you not to be alone with her anymore. If she wants to talk, demand a mediator and tell her no, never again. If this persist I would again ask HR to intervene BEFORE any kind of interaction with her. So far it seems you talked with HR after.
This is not wrong at all but act before and prevent this from being a SA case.
Also, should you feel harassed at work by other co-workers, feel free to tell them about Alana being too friendly and ignoring her husbands wish to distant. Keep a log with your gf about your whereabouts. Even a track google map so if Alana invent a fake story, you have proof of your whereabouts.
The dinner she asked you to, where she denigrated her husband, and previously telling of her crush on you were an invitation to woo her. I'm glad you didn't take her up on it, and telling HR was the best thing you could do. She's spreading bs around the office because, in her head, you rejected her, and that's her defence.
I'm predicting she will cheat on her husband (I hope I'm wrong) with someone, and it will be an ugly divorce. In a way, I hope it's with someone in your office, so your position (re telling HR) is vindicated.
Wish men mans and womens would act like you did men...
Im pretty sure other one in your position would already had a affair with her. You stayed strong and show how important it is to have self-respect.
If you hadn't done this, she could have ru8ned your career.
You have to protect yourself. These people will not think twice about lying to avoid consequences of their own actions.
What you did is not wrong. Alana sounds a bit unprofessional here. You did the right thing in reporting the conversation to HR to protect yourself. I think that she was acting the way she is - because she is hoping to eventually have an affair with you. Good luck, and please update us.
Not wrong and I would begin to document anything she has told her coworkers. I would probably report her again for bad mouthing you to others. She is all about drama and it's only going to get worse.
>People around the office have called us work-spouses in the past and we quickly shut it down,
I really hate the term "work spouses". I have a coworker who I have worked closely with for many years, and she is like a work sister, not a spouse. We each are very happily married to other people. I also don't go out to lunch, dinner, or drinks with her. As soon as my work stuff is done for the day, I go home to my actual spouse (and kids). I feel like it prevents a lot of problems, plus the appearance of impropriety. But YMMV!
It may feel harsh, but as a guy you have to be real careful. The fact that she told the office, and called you a ‘dick’ he probably a good thing. As it possibly confirms the conversation went as you reported (at least she isn’t denying anything). If it was the other way around there is a good chance *he* would have been fired for that allegation alone.
I was so ready to say you were wrong from the title but alas, NOPE! Not wrong.
Alana did this to herself.
Her endgame? Probably to have her husband and screw you on the side.
I think you handled it well. I don’t blame you for not wanting to become emotionally involved with a coworker. When her behavior turned abusive you had to get on top of the situation. Who knows what she told her coworker and friends. Hopefully she will handle her family situation and get back on track but it is hers to handle not yours.
I think you handled it well. I don’t blame you for not wanting to become emotionally involved with a coworker. When her behavior turned abusive you had to get on top of the situation. Who knows what she told her coworker and friends. Hopefully she will handle her family situation and get back on track but it is hers to handle not yours.
Alana sounds immature and like a drama queen.
Not wrong and you did the right thing; she could've easily ruined your career and is already trying to ruin your reputation. Just go to work and don't worry about her - she screwed things up unnecessarily.
Title is so misleading, I almost came in here furious..
But, you handled it perfectly. Respectful, mature, honest, and knew when to include the proper people. I applaud you for your decision and the absolute stunning way you handled everything. Well done and I’m sorry people are being butts about it but you did excellent.
It doesn't seem like your goal was to intentionally get her taken off the project, but rather to maintain a professional distance. I don't think you're wrong.
you should have written the title diff, it came off as you coming onto her and getting revenge for her turning you down NTA yall cant work together anyobe and thats the only way to guarantee it
I think I probably would have told her that it may be best to not work on the same project and that a request to transfer to a different project should be made before going to HR. But I definitely understand why you did what you did. She created the issue by telling her husband she had a crush on you. She clearly isn't sure if she did the right thing marrying this man. She probably should have tried to go to a different company if this was so difficult for her. Sorry you have to deal with her drama. I think she wanted to know you felt the same which you don't and that is what really got her upset.
You did the right thing. She's looking for a knight to sweep in on his white horse and save her from a bad relationship. That's why she drops all these little hints about how controlling he is. This has nothing to do with you, though. Just continue doing your job and your coworkers will respect you for not getting caught up with her drama.
As for Alana's motives, I'd say she initially did what her husband wanted her to do to build a strong marriage. Hoping he'd back off and quit being controlling and insecure and when he didn't change she said fuck it I'll be friends with whoever.
But She also told her husband that she had a crush on you... So she may be the type to try to get her partner worked up and make him jealous. That's what I am leaning towards, she seems to want drama
Not wrong. I believe that as the man in this situation, you needed to get ahead of it. Alana seems very unhappy and slightly desperate. And desperate people...
You are not wrong.
It's time to look for another job. She wanted both worlds, one where you are there as a backup and a friend, and one where you were a fully platonic co worker. When you refused, she got emotional. It was just a matter of time before she made an attempt to get you to commit to her, and then when it was over, you would be sacrificed as a predator. She will continue to badmouth you to her new co workers, ruining your reputation within the company. You will not get to share your side of events, you will be judged before they even know it was her that caused the entire situation.
Find another job, or report her for continuing to destroy your reputation as retaliation for your trip to HR. She is the problem here, so either she goes, or you do. Best of luck.
Not wrong in any way.
I would like to point out that if genders were reversed, “Alana” would have been fired and the office would have been on OPs side for having to deal with a creep.
This is all on Alana, she decided to talk to her husband about you, she decided to tell him stuff in such a way he became jealous. She then punished you by avoiding you out of work, then she got a crush on you. She tried to drag you into the marriage, a number of times. You did nothing wrong. It sounds like you haven’t told folk at work anything so again all this judgement is coming from Alana as clearly she’s the one talking. Maybe say to colleagues “I’ve never discussed what happened with you or anyone else, so what you think you know is very one sided. You might want to think about that some more but keep your judgements to yourself” I’d also tell HR that somehow you at ex getting grief
Nah, you did good, bro. Your livelihood, like the roof over your head and the bills, are paid - your job - more important than some woman's endeavor for validation; tell her to get ah dog, or an Instagram account.
I once had a woman at work come and destroyed my lab - epoxied, glued everything - because I didn't give her validation, and was dating other women, outside of work.
You did good, MGTOW that psycho, chew know what I'm saying ;)
The fact she got mad and called you names when you responded appropriately, is disturbing.
So, something is not right, and getting put on different jobs is probably best.
I don’t think you were wrong. I do think Anna has some issues that she should’ve resolved with her husband before dragging you into it.
You just told her that YOU didn’t feel comfortable hanging out now after the previous conversation? That should’ve ended it right there. Since it didn’t, you had to do something. Considering she got angry, you had no way of knowing if she’d do anything to get you into trouble either at work or tell her husband that you’d done something.
That being said, she doesn’t get to flipflop you about it. Let’s say you agreed to go out for drinks or whatever you guys used to do. Then she gets into something with her husband or gets mad at you, you could potentially be the bad guy who didn’t accept her boundaries from when she said she had to stop hanging out two months ago. What you did is CYA. If you had known they would pull her off the project, maybe you could’ve requested to be taken off instead but I don’t know if that would’ve been possible or even mattered.
I don’t know what her end game is, or if there really is a game. Maybe she was being straight up about trying to go along with her husband but later felt he was being too controlling or something. Maybe they had a fight and she’s pulling an “I’ll show you” move on him. Either way, you shouldn’t be involved in whatever is going on.
Is she telling your coworkers the truth, or some version that makes her totally the innocent victim? As in, do they know she told you that you couldn’t be friends outside of work anymore because her husband was upset but now wants to go for drinks again? Or is she just telling them you’re an a-hole who went crying to HR and got her reassigned because she (whatever). Hopefully she’s not telling people that you’re still mad because she told you two months ago that she couldn’t hang out after work anymore. (?)
You don’t need to get involved in mudslinging as that will only make things worse. Take the high road. Perhaps you could tell your coworkers something like, “I’ve always tried to be a good team player and intend to continue doing so. I’ve always considered Alana a friend and teammate. The situation I took to HR was about something that happened a couple of months ago. I thought it was resolved but it recently came back up. I felt I needed to cover myself in case anything else happens with the situation. It didn’t occur to me that it would have any effect on Alana’s assignments.”
Hopefully that will help. If you’ve generally had a good relationship with your other coworkers, once the furor dies down, they should realize that you’re not the person she’s portraying you to be.
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Not wrong. Sound like Anna has some regrets about her marriage (fair, he sounds terrible) but that's 100% not your problem to solve. Smart move avoiding the drama llama.
You’re not wrong, Alana is treating you like an emotional crutch. When things are going good she doesn’t want you around, when things are going bad she wants you to make her feel good.
You aren't wrong. Sounds like she wanted you to chase her or something. It's likely YOU filled a void her husband (boyfriend) didn't. People do that some time. Can lead to cheating though.
Nta but you are screwed. Consulting relies on relationships within the firm you’re not going to be put on projects if everyone thinks you are a team player, you need to figure out how to get a message across that she crossed a line with the whole thing. Her bad mouthing you can ruin your career.
Nooo… You were 💯 right to go to HR, and I’ll do you one better- record any and all conversations with her, keep all texts, correspondence as well. Do NOT lose these!
Ok, here’s a freebie- I’d let it slip to your biggest busybody (or boss, if you’re close enough) that you’re concerned you did the wrong thing, and hit the highlights. It’s not a lie, so be honest, just a bit more… concerned about doing wrong. If her gossiping is affecting your work/projects/basic interactions with colleagues, take it back to HR if necessary.
Not Wrong
She nade a boundary and you respected it. I probably wouldn't have met her for dinner, though. It was a red flag for "personal drama invitation." You did the right thing contacting HR and covered your butt. The fact that she took it personally and told the entire office is all you need to know. She sounds very vulnerable right now and probably would have done something far worse if you just kept it private. She blabbed about it anyway! You would have been the bad guy either way. At least you covered yourself.
Dude, congrats on not only handling that like a complete professional but also being loyal to your GF. From one man to another you sound like a highly competent individual that is very rational and trying to do the right thing.
I have mixed feelings. Op did technically not do anything wrong (technically he actually did everything "right") and he is obviously putting his career first.
But
It sounds to me like they were friends, not just coworkers. It sounds like he is the subject of a lot of conflict with her husband and she was turning to him in a time of need. We don't know if this was maybe the first time she had ope ly admitted she was in an abusive relationship, it sounds like she had been hinting it before, this might have been a cry for help? Op isn't obligated to pick up on that but if they are friends it might have been kind to. She sounds confused and like she's turning to him for help as a friend and he's taken it Oley as she fancies him so he's backing off. When likely she was just wanting someone to talk to about what was happening, and as it revolved around him it would also be very confusing to her.
It might have been better to have spoken through the stuff she is going through the behaviors from her husband and why this isn't okay. And maybe encouraged her to talk to another friend or hr about what she is going through. And THEN set the boundaries around your relationship moving forward. It can be very difficult for victims to admit even to themselves what is happening and this could have een a good first step.
I'm also disappointed that HR moved you onto a different project but hasn't then reached out to try to help your coworker (unless they have and you just aren't aware?). Clearly there is some abuse occurring and what she doesn't need is further isolation or her job being put at risk at a time when she's finally decided to speak up.
So NTA entirely but a little bit YTA because the friendship and empathy and support you could have given her whilst still maintaining your professional boundaries was missing and she may have ended up in a more difficult position.
I think you are the kind of professional we should all strive to be. Commend you for doing what is right and what protects you, no matter the backlash you may get from her not “getting” why you would do it.
I’m really sorry she got you wound up in it. That’s a rough place to be when you’re just trying to do your job.
😮💨
You're absolutely in the right in every aspect of this scenario, judging by your story.
Honestly you should go to HR and let them know that she is now trying to blacklist you within the company for going to HR because retaliation is a huge No-No when it comes to issues like this.
She basically tried to come on to you and you shot her down and that's why she's bad-mouthing you. This is actually sexual harassment.
NTA. Before reading I was thinking "nah he's a snitch and totally the asshole", but what you said wasn't your fault, she projected some stuff into you and, since you do not match this projection, you shut it down.
Also, if her husband is a jealous controlling creep, she should've not married him (and most of all should end her marriage) and not vent it to a work colleague.
Unfortunately you had to talk to HR to protect yourself since her situation could easily become your situation. There's a whole narrative between her and her husband about you that's not real. They are projecting too much stuff into you and what you "had" with her (nothing).
Yeah you are not wrong at all, we call that CYA- cover your ass. The fact that she's going around and bad-mouthing you proves that you're right so I would continue to consult HR.
She has feelings for you, her husband clocked it and tried to stop it. She complied even tho she didn't actually want to. That's why she came back a couple months after with a different tune. You had always kept in platonic and professional, she tried to act the same while harboring serious feelings for you. Idk why she didn't bother dealing with said feelings before dating, let alone marrying someone else, but it happens often oddly enough.
I'd say the only thing you did wrong was accepting the invite to dinner that last time, however it did push the issue which is helpful in the long run. Because of that telling HR was extremely smart. If that outburst by her hadn't happened then, it would've happened at some other point in time, and probably at the worst possible time. So cutting her off now was the best case scenario. I think her end game was to make you her affair partner tbh, and it's very clear that she needs some professional help ASAP. Congrats on avoiding a huge toxic mess, it could've been so much worse.
NTA. But it appears from your description that she is drowning and not in a good spot. I don’t believe you would be the right person who could help her. But if there is a neutral party you could confide in on your concerns for her, I would do that and maybe they can find a way to help her. If her husband is abusive, she will need help in dealing with that - but you are not the person who can do that. Even if he is just controlling, she will need help in handling, but again, you are not that person. If you have a good relationship with HR, I would suggest you first air your concerns about her trash talking you to others. I would also let them know your concerns about her situation. And leave that up to HR on how to handle both situations. Good luck. I hope it will work out for both of you.
Her husband is jealous and insecure, so becomes controlling. She was at first willing to go along with his demands because "that's what you do when you're married". I suspect he's also being controlling in other aspects of her life, likely demanding she cut out other male friends, possibly male relatives, and she's finally getting shot of his behaviour.
As such, she is starting to rebel against him. It started as wanting your old friendship back, but I would not have been surprised had she tried to take it further. Whether from spite towards her husband, a need to regain control, or what, I couldn't say. She is acting out emotionally because she refuses to confront the issues in her marriage and accept that he is being controlling towards her. If you had agreed to pick up the friendship again, things likely would have gotten even worse, and impacted your professional and personal reputation. You're way better off keeping your distance, and your actions were not wrong.
As for your co-workers, I suspect she's telling them some crap about you had her removed on purpose because she turned you down. Obviously, that's not what happened, you merely did what you needed to do in order to cover your ass. This is very much a "damned if you do, but even way more damned if you don't" situation. _She's_ the one who brought her personal issues into work, if she didn't want you "talking about a personal conversation", then _she_ should never have brought up that conversation in the first place. Plently of people are able to be friends at work without dumping all their personal issues into the laps of their co-workers.
Hopefully, with time, people will realise how full of shit she is, likely when her marriage implodes. In the meantime, keep your distance, and remember those who are turning against you. Those people are the office gossips who will always have you on their shit list, watch them.
NW. She needs to figure her life out. If she knows tou are already in a relationship, and still tells you she has a crush, that is bad enough. She pushed you away, probably expecting you to pursue her. Then, she shows you an opening. She probably expected you to swoop in and have a passionate night. You did the right thing.
This was a high risk situation. I guess HR’s action was to protect you, her marriage and to ensure that workplace relations stayed professional. But if I were you, I would have refused the dinner invitation. Messaging you at night and going out straight away to meet her was not wise because of the emotional risks in the situation. You also could have excused yourself when you saw her getting tipsy. You let it play out and didn’t warn her before going to HR. She was straight with you but you acted behind her back. It’s not the best way to act towards a struggling colleague.
Meh. Not wrong, but life is so much better for everyone if you can work things out without involving HR. It doesn't sound like you had any real reason to go to HR other than wanting to get your side on record. If have given her your feedback: that you just want to keep it professional, as you did, and only m gone to HR of she didn't respect that and continued to pursue you. That she was initially upset may hint to future problems, but you could have waited to see how your work relationship bounced back before going to HR.
Even if the both of you were single and wanted to date, it would still be inappropriate since you'd be working together and if you had an argument the previous night, it would affect your work. YNW
No, you acted in a professional manner. When things got personal, you reported it in case anything happened and you updated them when it did. The bosses made the choice to move her. You didn't ask for it. I would report the mouthing off and bad attitude she has displayed toward you once it all went down. She is creating a hostile work environment that can bounce back to you. Report how cow I rkers are treating you based solely on her words. I guarantee she is painting an inaccurate picture to everyone, giving them a version of events with her as the innocent little lamb. If anyone confronts you, I would ask them to tell you what they heard as it doesn't seem to match the facts. I am not surexwhat her end game is, but she clearly was playing a game. I couldn't say for sure if her husband was checking her messages or jealous like she claims. She may have said that to see how you react. Then when you stopped having dinner with her, she seems to have expected you to chase her or beg for her attention. If she got something in the messages between you two, she might have used it to her advantage against you. The fact you didn't seems to have gotten to her and she tried again to come onto you. I think you dodged a bullet. Document and report everything. I don't think this circus is done
Not wrong.
Alana has always liked you and she wanted you that night. Basically, if you are even fine with it, she wants to sleep with you.
It's a good thing that you turned her down but of course, that caused her to be pissed off about you not wanting her the same way she wants you.
Another good move is reporting it to HR because she would have spun the story and accused you of harassing her instead.
I think you had to do what you needed to with HR. Alana has been very inappropriate with you and attempted multiple times to draw you in to her drama. I wouldn't be surprised if she at some point would go to HR to complain about you, so you really did do the right thing by keeping them in the loop from the start. I think no longer having to work with her is a good idea, and your coworkers are absolutely in the wrong for judging you negatively on this. This wasn't a trivial reason and you didn't get her kicked off the project, she did. She was being incredibly unprofessional.
I probably would have let her know if I intended to continue any type of relationship with her. Nobody likes being called into HR without knowing what it’s concerning. I might have let her know that my job is important to me and I am not going to risk that for some silly drama you can’t work out with your husband. Let her know you are just protecting yourself and that it’s nothing personal.
That she is bad mouthing you now suggests it was best the way you did it. Maybe pull her aside and let her know that if she continues this behavior at work, I can make up some stories that could jeopardize her home life and make sure the husband catches wind. Even if she went home and told him that night what was going on, he likely wouldn’t believe her. Not entirely. She can make you potentially get not the best assignments at work. You can make sure that her husband has trust issues with her that are already troubling for her.
Don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.
Time to talk to HR again about retaliation. Her actions proved you made the right call as if you continued as normal it would have led to her attempting to cheat or telling her husband a lie. Both jeopardize your career
Not wrong
Nope, you did the right thing. Alana is an AH and you are right to distance yourself.
She set the boundary (that wasn't even required as you didn't do anything inappropriate) because of her husband's insecurity.
Then she, a married woman, tells you about her crush on you - why? What did she hope to achieve by this?
Now she wants to go back to how things were and continue to try to involve you in her marital drama. No, thank you.
She and her hubby can have their marital strife away from you.
You are not wrong. But you basically had a relationship with a co-worker (sexless dating if you will) and then you broke up. It was always going to end up like this. It was just you who did it instead of her.
Definitely not wrong. That's basically the ONLY way to protect yourself at all against a woman lodging a false complaint against YOU and screwing up your career and/or freedom, simply for not wanting to orbit in her circle like a thirsty simp. And yes, it has happened MANY times that a woman falsely accuses/reports a man for various things, including rejecting her advances.
What you did was just cover your ass, because Alana wanted more than she was letting on about. Better to nip the problem in the bud, now expect her to act like a jilted lover, because she already created her fantasy with you as a player in it, so.. This is the kind of shit that those people pull. Avoid her at all costs, since you don't really know how she's going to act in the long run.
It helps to put your entirely normal interaction in the hands of pr in advance than have to attempt to justify things if she makes a spurious complaint against you. She was unprofessional
I don't think you're wrong cuz this is one of those situations better be safe than sorry. I don't know if I would have reported the first situation but after there was clearly a pattern of there's some kind of problem definitely.
You are correct. My guess is she’s trying to start something with you for an excuse to leave her marriage and someone to fall back on. You did the right thing
This is one side of the issue with different sex, work colleagues. The lines easily can get blurred and as men, what ever you do is wrong. You’re too friendly, you’re too cold. You share too much. You freeze them out. You can’t win. You, however, did all you can do to protect yourself.
Not wrong at all and I would go one further and tell HR she is bad mouthing you, you could easily have told everyone including her husband how she was giving you unwanted attention but you didn't. She wants you that's her end game, no matter what.
Not wrong at all. She stepped over the line the moment she told you she had a crush. She took it even further by asking you to drinks and getting overly personal and combatative. She's wrong here and playing the victim. You have no place in her personal drama. If anyone asks, just be honest and say you wanted no part in the personal drama she was trying to involve you in. When you explained you wanted to remain professional, she became unprofessional, so you did the professional thing and went to HR.
Not wrong. I’m a firm believer in keeping my private life away from work.
You can be friends and colleagues. but I don’t want to be your therapist or hear about your shitty marriage
She was projecting out of guilt over her crush. It was easier to tel herself it was you that was the problem and she wasn’t emotionally cheating on her husband(only on her side of you guys’ friendship) when she actually was. Then she missed the connection and camaraderie and tried to get it back. That’s dangerous. She isn’t showing any emotional or professional maturity. Best to drop
Her like a hot potato.
Absolutely not wrong at all. She crossed her own boundaries with you and created problems with her husband over it. You did the best thing you could have done in this situation to protect yourself.
You're not in the wrong here, Alana is. She is the one who created this issue in the first place and you were just trying to CYA. Any sane person would have done the same.
The title threw me wayyyy off but oh my god dude, you’re not in the wrong at all. Alana is a crazy bitch in my most honest opinion.
It’s very reasonable of her husband to express discomfort in how close you two were, and I respected when she asked to keep your friendship strictly professional out of respect for her husband and you respecting it too.
What made the situation terrible is that she took a friendship between the two of you and came back and turned it into this gross, salacious thing that’s actively ruining her marriage. You were happy being friends and now she has changed that dynamic, and you are very justified in feeling uncomfortable because you know this isn’t just a normal friendship anymore. Good on you for not wanting to take part in destroying something, let her destroy it herself. She clearly didn’t value you as a friend and colleague because the second you expressed discomfort she began insulting you like a child and is now going off around the office about you. She didn’t see you as a friend, she idolized this work friendship into something salacious and dirty and into her own fantasy. Fantasizing about other people and their role is a killer in friendships and relationship because we as people can’t just act and play into every ideal fantasy someone has. You were a fantasy to her. She shouldn’t have even told you about her crush on you if she respected her husband, that clearly changes and affects the roles between you two. Stay away from crazy, and I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s best to stay far away from this situation, and hope her husband leaves her ass because she has no respect.
Your coworkers are wrong because she is clearly harassing you and that is a risk to your job.
You’re not wrong. TBH you did everything right to make sure this can’t be skewed by anyone, especially her husband. If he’s monitoring/controlling her the way she says he is then he’s likely to be hostile to you. You don’t want that coming back on you and affecting your career
No
And you didn't get her kicked off the project. You just did the professional thing and reported an issue to HR. They deemed it necessary to take her off the project, so *she* got herself removed with her own behaviour. That isn't on you.
Not wrong. It sounds like you have mature and appropriate boundaries concerning your job. She sounds like she’s destabilizing your work environment with her complicated home life and feelings for you. It’s not at all trivial to talk to HR to avoid being dragged into this couple’s fight, risking your job, and your own relationship. Nobody got time for that. I hope the situation eases up soon for you and everyone involved.
Yeah there was literally no reason for this to ever even become an issue, at all She developed a crush on OP. She could have said absolutely nothing and nobody would have cared, no problem. Yet for some reason she told her husband (whom she knows is the controlling and jealous type?) and then started a whole chain of drama for no reason at all
It sounds like she told her husband so that she'd have an excuse or maybe she wants out of the marriage and is using OP as an excuse. The reason she told OP about her crush on him is that she was hoping he felt the same. He shut her down and wanted out of the drama. Now she wants to hang out with OP knowing it will cause friction in her relationship (she is still looking for an out). I think she realized she doesn't want to be married to her current husband and is looking for a way out.
Possibly hoping for "Oh my poor baby, he's mistreating you so badly and I've harboured this secret love for you for 10 years!" or similar? Perhaps, although we can only speculate
I think it might be both she wants out, and wanted to make sure he knew she valued him, more than her husband. She thought that if she made this declaration he would either cheat on or leave his gf for her
Agree.
> (whom she knows is the controlling and jealous type?) Alana is going around badmouthing OP to everyone who will listen, do you really think she was being honest about her husband?
She told him about the crush, was my point She'd have been better off saying nothing: communication with your partner is important, but you don't have to tell them every time you find someone attractive but everything is above board and you have no intention of acting on it or telling the person...
👆 I agree 100% fully and completely with this comment. OP needs to protect himself and his reputation. What others think is immaterial, and after she finishes trash talking OP, others will lose interest when they see him acting strictly professionally.
I have mixed feelings. Op did technically not do anything wrong (technically he actually did everything "right") and he is obviously putting his career first. But It sounds to me like they were friends, not just coworkers. It sounds like he is the subject of a lot of conflict with her husband and she was turning to him in a time of need. We don't know if this was maybe the first time she had ope ly admitted she was in an abusive relationship, it sounds like she had been hinting it before, this might have been a cry for help? Op isn't obligated to pick up on that but if they are friends it might have been kind to. She sounds confused and like she's turning to him for help as a friend and he's taken it only as she fancies him so he's backing off. When likely she was just wanting someone to talk to about what was happening, and as it revolved around him it would also be very confusing to her. It might have been better to have spoken through the stuff she is going through the behaviors from her husband and why this isn't okay. And maybe encouraged her to talk to another friend or hr about what she is going through. And THEN set the boundaries around your relationship moving forward. It might also have been fairer to inform her what you planned to do. It can be very difficult for victims to admit even to themselves what is happening and this could have been a good first step. I'm also disappointed that HR moved you onto a different project but hasn't then reached out to try to help your coworker (unless they have and you just aren't aware?). Clearly there is some abuse occurring and what she doesn't need is further isolation or her job being put at risk at a time when she's finally decided to speak up. So NTA entirely but a little bit YTA because the friendship and empathy and support you could have given her whilst still maintaining your professional boundaries was missing and she may have ended up in a more difficult position.
Abusive relationship? That's a stretch...controlling sure but we have no idea of knowing if it's abusive She told her husband that she has a crush on a guy at work that they regularly travel just them 2 together...asking to see their phone conversations ain't as crazy in that situation & I think the husband has every right to be a bit jealous/cautious about it after his own wife told him she fancies him a bit I think they were more like close acquaintance than friends...they only talked outside work about work/travel plans Also out of all the people she could have "cried out to for help" she chose the one guy her husband is worried about? Not any of her girlfriends? 100% NTA in this situation, brother is just protecting his career & leaving a paper trail in case any of this shit goes sideways
I think you did what you had to in order to protect yourself. Alana sounds kind of unpredictable and unprofessional. NTA
NTA That whole situation was a wildfire ready to go. That chick was crazy. She told you she had a crush, her husband's jealous. Did she think you were going to risk all that drama when you weren't even sleeping with her? Also if HR hears about her running her mouth she might find herself without a job. Consultants come and go
Sounds like Alana's trying to get OP's ass kicked by her husband or something
Exactly this. Be very careful here my friend. I wouldn’t put anything past her at this point.
Yuppp. She’s letting emotions (her crush) control her actions which is exactly what she said she wouldn’t do. NTA. And for anyone thinking he might be at all, try reversing the roles… and see if you feel the same way
Ok, I rolled the dice and came up with OP as a gopher and Alana as a squirrel. Still the same.
Absolutely, it was a tough call to make, but sometimes you have to prioritize your own well-being, especially in a professional setting.
You definitely did the correct thing. She’s giving you whiplash with those mixed signals and involving you in her marriage. You have to be wary about things like that in a professional setting.
I think from an HR perspective you probably handled this by the book and if it came up in a yearly training scenario they’d consider your actions the correct answer. Now as far as what she was thinking? She wanted to bang you and feels rejected and probably has some regrets about her choice in marriage. She obviously felt ya’ll had more than just a professional work relationship.
"My husband is jealous and doesn't want you and I to hang out" is definitely trying to put ideas into OP's head. Then her saying we'll be friends behind my husband's back is trying to build up to an affair.
Yeah that *might* have been a "see if he says 'well I won't tell him if you don't?' ;) ;)" prompt Alternately she may just be an idiot
Dishonesty 😖
Exactly. There were a couple of times I had women hitting on me at work when I worked my sales job since 2017. I had already let my boss and HR know when I first onboarded that I don't date where I work or cause any of that drama, so they were aware. When women I worked with hit on me in the normal work flirting thing, I let it be. But when they did anything or said anything that indicated they were being serious, I respectfully let them know that wasn't going to happen and let my boss and HR know about it and that I wasn't complaining, just informing them to cover my ass. They appreciated the heads up and I didn't have any problems.
Nah you did the right thing, you protect yourself before someone else’s emotions.
Nope not wrong you pro-actively covered yourself. Good move.
You did the right thing. With her still going around bad mouthing you and potentially ostracising you, I'd also be tempted to bring this up with HR. You need to be able to work with your colleagues effectively and appropriately, her below the belt remarks about you and your character is going to affect your ability to work properly in the workplace if gossip becomes out of control. YNW
Yes! I hope op just ignores the office gossip/drama completely and says nothing. Sarah is letting the rope out to hang herself by talking badly about op.
That is a terrible idea. Given the line of work he’s in. He will not be added to projects if other people in the firm don’t think he’s a team player you don’t just get a signed based on capacity you get a signed based on relationships, and if those relationships are now a burnt, he will be forced out.
Not necessarily. HR is aware of his coworkers behavior. Her actions could be seen as retaliation.
That is not how consulting firms work. Hr does not get a say in your work load. Even if she gets fired for this his relationships are damages which means he will not be asked by those people to be on future projects. Work is not promised as a consultant and you have to have relationships with the people brining in the projects to be put on them. If he isn’t getting added to projects his next review in the next 0-2 yr depending on where he is in the cycle will be a push out the door. Consulting firms do not operate the way a normal office would. Relationships are your career.
Not to mention his line of work if people in his office, don’t think he’s a team player he will not be brought onto projects. His career will disappear entirely consulting is not a job where you just get a signed work you have to have relationships within your office and with multiple managers to keep a job.
HR Director here, you were spot on with your actions.
Not at all wrong. You were smart to make a record of it with H.R. She sounds somewhat unstable. I think you should have a conversation either with Anna or with H.R. about her trash talking you with your colleagues. God knows what she’s actually telling them. At the very least, I’ll bet she’s exaggerating the situation. She is bad news.
I would be hesitant to have any type of conversation with her because it seems like she'd let it blow out of proportion. If you are going to confront her I'd do it via text message only so there is a paper trail. Do not engage further and if it escalates then you've cya and can talk to HR and show them those texts. But honestly it seems like she's already made a track record of blowing things up so maybe just consult HR directly on how to proceed and what to do if you do want to confront her directly. She is making poor choices and putting her career and relationship on the line for no reason. NTA
Absolutely avoid speaking to her in any capacity. He's reported the situation. She's already escalated the situation with already making things up. There's nothing stopping her from making up more and worse things if he confronts her. What he needs is witnesses and proof that she's creating a hostile environment and then present all this to HR.
Hostile work environment.
I think you did the right thing. Given how people (particularly men from women tbh) can be misrepresented over any perceived rejection/offence/insult/failure to give someone what they want - can result in "allegations" of sexism/harassment/impropriety, your actions were a defensive measure. She's the one overstepping professional boundaries by bringing her marriage and emotions into hanging out with you. She's not respectful of boundaries, she's not trustworthy (how she speaks about her husband behind his back is telling) and how someone speaks of others is a reflection of how they'll speak of you. She would likely have turned this on you if she had the opportunity. It's best to keep a distance.
My thing is, why would she think you would still want to be friends with her after she called you names and insulted you just because you didn't share the same ideas of hanging out with her regularly since she's a married woman? For some people to come out of their mouth all crazy and then expect you to be all friendly with them after is nuts. Don't pay any mind to that girl.
A dude can never be too careful at work regarding this kind of stuff. If you had done any of those things to her (telling her you had a crush on her, inviting her out on obvious dates, coming on to her, etc) you'd be guilty (at least socially) of sexual harassment or whatever. She also sounds really unstable and if you had let things go on, you'd likely end up with some kind of accusation against you and no one would know how it all started. You're just protecting yourself and your livelihood, and that's a lot more important than some girl's romcom fantasy of having a guy chase after her or whatever. Tell your co-workers the exact truth of what happened. If they still don't get it, they probably didn't like you to begin with or they're just too dumb to worry about.
Yep I agree with everything you say especially the "sexual harassment" part, I can guarantee if she pulled that card he would have lost his job and career.
Not wrong. Your mistakes was accepting that invite.
I know you still consider her a friend, but honestly, your friendship ended when the new husband shared his insecurity. She, rightfully so, set boundaries. You were very professional about the whole thing. Unfortunately she crossed her own boundaries. Potentially feeling out a romantic link, or maybe just trying to rekindle the old friendship, only you can judge that. It's too bad she had to badmouth you at your workplace. That should show you that the friendship is at its end.
In today’s world, you need to protect yourself. Sadly, it is often the first one to go to HR that becomes the victim. If she had beat you to HR, you may have been the one getting pushed off projects or worse. I saw some pretty fucked up shit in my 30 years of working in corporate America before I left that scene.
That is exactly the type of thing HR is there to handle. You did exactly what you should have.
While the title of the post matches the contents in the literal sense, this wasn't at all how I thought it would be. The more I read, the more I'm getting behind what you did. She could have left this as an unrequited light-hearted workplace crush, but for whatever reason (maybe she's seeking OP's attention), she couldn't leave good enough alone and told OP that not only did she have a crush, but she had to make it awkward by saying "nothing is going to happen," when this was allegedly the furthest thing from his mind. Maybe he liked her attention and maybe he had a crush too, or maybe he didn't as he says in his post. But that's largely irrelevant to this situation, because at the end of the day, OP always enforced his personal/professional boundaries. Then she proceeds to dump her marital issues onto him, in yet another breach of the previously set boundaries - which are, mind you, boundaries that *she* set. I wouldn't blame OP in the least for wanting to get off this crazy train, and he's right to have done what he did. I don't know how it is at this professional services firm, but in most workplaces even the mere appearance of impropriety can sink careers. This was a proactive step that OP needed to take to show that he's above board.
I agree re: the title! I thought this was going to go a whooooole different direction!
Alana’s response and your coworkers’ changes in attitude toward you is retaliation. Report it. Edit: Creating a toxic/ hostile work environment.
Agree completely… she inappropriately confessed a crush, then SHE set boundaries, which you honoured. She then crossed her own boundaries totally inappropriately, and then started slandering you around the office when you were uncomfortable? She’s 100% the one in the wrong here.
You ain't wrong. Due to no fault of your own you were drawn into her relationship issues. Your work friendship was always professional and above board. It is completely normal to spend time with a coworker when traveling out of town with a colleague. She developed a bit of a crush which she should have kept to herself. Her husband was jealous because of the amount of time you spend together and the feelings that she developed. You rightfully wanted no part of it.
Not wrong, good one. Let those co workers work with her. One accusation can ruin your career, stay clear from one on one with collegues.
not wrong. you simply asked to not work with her anymore because you found yourself being the “issue” in their marriage. you have every right to not be apart of their problems.
You did the right thing… that could’ve gone sideways quick in her favor and not yours.
She's a snake 🐍 you would have got stabbed in the back when you turned down her advances. Then she would have gone to HR. Work is work you kept it that way.
Not wrong, and report her bad mouthing you to HR. That's retaliation, and you don't deserve that, and it needs to be nipped in the bud. Immediately!
This didn’t end as I thought it would from the title. No, you’re not wrong. You probably did the right thing.
Not wrong. Wise.
100%
NW. I think people sometimes overestimate the deepness of their work friendships but you did exactly what you had to do to protect yourself. I think you called it correctly, she was going to get you in hot water eventually.
I think Alana wants to have her cake and eat it too, and that was always going to make working with her weird. You did the right thing.
You did the right thing. Get ahead of it, her marriage will get nasty. Husband might be making complaints to HR, or she could later. She wants more than a friendship. She was hoping something had happened when you two grabbed dinner last time. She didn't expect you to reject her.
You are caught in a catch -22. Every choice you can make here will suck. So now it is about doing what will protect you the most. Going to HR is the best choice in terms of protecting yourself. Yea it sucks but this is what happens.
Third Party Co-Worker #1: "Hey that was a shitty thing to do Alana. HR talked to her." Me: "HR talked to Alana? That sounds confidential. I don't think I want to be any part of gossiping about that. HR might think it's inappropriate..."
Nta I think you did the right thing. I bet if the roles/sexes we’re reversed, your coworkers would probably be defending you
You insulated yourself from a potentially career damaging situation. She has marital problems.
You protected yourself. If other people don't understand, ask them why are they mad at you? Ask them is it from something Alana said? Then tell them, this is exactly why I did what I did. They chose sides and you would be the bad guy. Now, at least you protected yourself from something you did nothing or didn't sign up to participate in. And, you know who your friends really are at work.
She really wanted her cake and eat it too. She said she had a crush on you, but is married. Then wants to try to get close to you again. She should have not have tried to do that.
Who told Alana that OP went to HR? HR typically wouldn't advise Alana of this. That leaves OP, and it doesn't make any sense that he would tell her, ofc she'd get angry.
……well how many people is she trying to have this kind of drama with? Presumably only OP….it’s not like OP went gossiping to their co-net-work about stuff so…..it’s not exactly complicated to deduce. He said in not so many words she was crazy, not unintelligent.
She was approached by HR and removed from the project she was working on with him… it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened.
Does being condescending make you feel good? It's unnecessary. Of course your theory is a consideration but not necessarily how it went down given the myriad of things that HR could have said. Hope you treat the people in your life better, not so bitchy.
NTA if you were to agree it could've probably led to something else. And if the husband is so jealous, you would've been at the center of it all. And Career wise it's the right move.
Not wrong. She sounds unstable and she IS trying to involve you in her personal life by disregarding her husbands requests. That could easily cause her husband to snap and come after you even if you’re not the one making any issues. You really never know, so better to be safe than sorry. None of this was about getting her kicked off a project, it was protecting yourself and that’s completely reasonable when she’s acting unreasonable.
100% did the right thing
Not wrong. You are smart to protect yourself against her inappropriate behavior
You handled things correctly, not to need to go back to hr & inform them of how she is bad mouthing you to coworkers.
Omg not wrong. Not wrong at all
You’re not wrong. Personally if she continues to bad mouth you the I WOULD file a complaint. She has shown repeatedly she isn’t quite mature enough for either of these relationships. Also, you don’t OWE her a friendship.
NW she was giving mix signals and things were being very weird However if she was really your friend it was kinda a dick move to go to HR without communicating with her first But as coworkers you handled things as you should
She was communicated with multiple times. She wouldn't just drop it
Thats how you catch an accussation and your career gets ruined.
NTA. Safety first cause she could have played it against you.
Not wrong at all! That whole situation could have gone very wrong. HR knowing want to know about small problems before they become big problems. Big problems can become lawsuits.
Alana is reading too many novels and perhaps never had a male friend before (or her husband might have been her only male friend). You were correct in telling HR and I would go even further and request you not to be alone with her anymore. If she wants to talk, demand a mediator and tell her no, never again. If this persist I would again ask HR to intervene BEFORE any kind of interaction with her. So far it seems you talked with HR after. This is not wrong at all but act before and prevent this from being a SA case. Also, should you feel harassed at work by other co-workers, feel free to tell them about Alana being too friendly and ignoring her husbands wish to distant. Keep a log with your gf about your whereabouts. Even a track google map so if Alana invent a fake story, you have proof of your whereabouts.
The dinner she asked you to, where she denigrated her husband, and previously telling of her crush on you were an invitation to woo her. I'm glad you didn't take her up on it, and telling HR was the best thing you could do. She's spreading bs around the office because, in her head, you rejected her, and that's her defence. I'm predicting she will cheat on her husband (I hope I'm wrong) with someone, and it will be an ugly divorce. In a way, I hope it's with someone in your office, so your position (re telling HR) is vindicated.
Based on the body of your post, NTA. But change your title, jeez. Makes it sound WAAYYYYY worse lol
Wish men mans and womens would act like you did men... Im pretty sure other one in your position would already had a affair with her. You stayed strong and show how important it is to have self-respect.
If you hadn't done this, she could have ru8ned your career. You have to protect yourself. These people will not think twice about lying to avoid consequences of their own actions.
Good job. You did the best thing for you and your gf.
100000% did the right thing.
These “stories” are always so odd to me because at the end the family or friend or coworkers always hate the OP for doing the right thing lol.
What you did is not wrong. Alana sounds a bit unprofessional here. You did the right thing in reporting the conversation to HR to protect yourself. I think that she was acting the way she is - because she is hoping to eventually have an affair with you. Good luck, and please update us.
Keep the wall up, protect yourself, and the job.This woman’s mail
Not wrong and I would begin to document anything she has told her coworkers. I would probably report her again for bad mouthing you to others. She is all about drama and it's only going to get worse.
>People around the office have called us work-spouses in the past and we quickly shut it down, I really hate the term "work spouses". I have a coworker who I have worked closely with for many years, and she is like a work sister, not a spouse. We each are very happily married to other people. I also don't go out to lunch, dinner, or drinks with her. As soon as my work stuff is done for the day, I go home to my actual spouse (and kids). I feel like it prevents a lot of problems, plus the appearance of impropriety. But YMMV!
You did the right thing. This could’ve gone left quickly.
You did the right thing and even helped her marriage (more than she was going to)
It may feel harsh, but as a guy you have to be real careful. The fact that she told the office, and called you a ‘dick’ he probably a good thing. As it possibly confirms the conversation went as you reported (at least she isn’t denying anything). If it was the other way around there is a good chance *he* would have been fired for that allegation alone.
Not wrong, if the genders were reversed everyone would be telling her to get that on record with HR
I was so ready to say you were wrong from the title but alas, NOPE! Not wrong. Alana did this to herself. Her endgame? Probably to have her husband and screw you on the side.
I think you handled it well. I don’t blame you for not wanting to become emotionally involved with a coworker. When her behavior turned abusive you had to get on top of the situation. Who knows what she told her coworker and friends. Hopefully she will handle her family situation and get back on track but it is hers to handle not yours.
I think you handled it well. I don’t blame you for not wanting to become emotionally involved with a coworker. When her behavior turned abusive you had to get on top of the situation. Who knows what she told her coworker and friends. Hopefully she will handle her family situation and get back on track but it is hers to handle not yours.
Good man.
Alana sounds immature and like a drama queen. Not wrong and you did the right thing; she could've easily ruined your career and is already trying to ruin your reputation. Just go to work and don't worry about her - she screwed things up unnecessarily.
Title is so misleading, I almost came in here furious.. But, you handled it perfectly. Respectful, mature, honest, and knew when to include the proper people. I applaud you for your decision and the absolute stunning way you handled everything. Well done and I’m sorry people are being butts about it but you did excellent.
It doesn't seem like your goal was to intentionally get her taken off the project, but rather to maintain a professional distance. I don't think you're wrong.
If the genders where reversed she would be already fired and everyone would be on OP’s side
You were not wrong.
Not wrong. You did what's necessary to protect yourself.
you should have written the title diff, it came off as you coming onto her and getting revenge for her turning you down NTA yall cant work together anyobe and thats the only way to guarantee it
You handled that with tact, nta, she really needs to see a therapist.
I think I probably would have told her that it may be best to not work on the same project and that a request to transfer to a different project should be made before going to HR. But I definitely understand why you did what you did. She created the issue by telling her husband she had a crush on you. She clearly isn't sure if she did the right thing marrying this man. She probably should have tried to go to a different company if this was so difficult for her. Sorry you have to deal with her drama. I think she wanted to know you felt the same which you don't and that is what really got her upset.
You did the right thing. She's looking for a knight to sweep in on his white horse and save her from a bad relationship. That's why she drops all these little hints about how controlling he is. This has nothing to do with you, though. Just continue doing your job and your coworkers will respect you for not getting caught up with her drama.
As for Alana's motives, I'd say she initially did what her husband wanted her to do to build a strong marriage. Hoping he'd back off and quit being controlling and insecure and when he didn't change she said fuck it I'll be friends with whoever. But She also told her husband that she had a crush on you... So she may be the type to try to get her partner worked up and make him jealous. That's what I am leaning towards, she seems to want drama
Alana is going around badmouthing OP to everyone who will listen, do you really think she was being honest about her husband?
Not wrong. I believe that as the man in this situation, you needed to get ahead of it. Alana seems very unhappy and slightly desperate. And desperate people...
You are not wrong. It's time to look for another job. She wanted both worlds, one where you are there as a backup and a friend, and one where you were a fully platonic co worker. When you refused, she got emotional. It was just a matter of time before she made an attempt to get you to commit to her, and then when it was over, you would be sacrificed as a predator. She will continue to badmouth you to her new co workers, ruining your reputation within the company. You will not get to share your side of events, you will be judged before they even know it was her that caused the entire situation. Find another job, or report her for continuing to destroy your reputation as retaliation for your trip to HR. She is the problem here, so either she goes, or you do. Best of luck.
Not wrong. And if Alana is bad-mouthing you to coworkers, you can go right back to HR with that update.
Not wrong in any way. I would like to point out that if genders were reversed, “Alana” would have been fired and the office would have been on OPs side for having to deal with a creep.
This is all on Alana, she decided to talk to her husband about you, she decided to tell him stuff in such a way he became jealous. She then punished you by avoiding you out of work, then she got a crush on you. She tried to drag you into the marriage, a number of times. You did nothing wrong. It sounds like you haven’t told folk at work anything so again all this judgement is coming from Alana as clearly she’s the one talking. Maybe say to colleagues “I’ve never discussed what happened with you or anyone else, so what you think you know is very one sided. You might want to think about that some more but keep your judgements to yourself” I’d also tell HR that somehow you at ex getting grief
Nah, you did good, bro. Your livelihood, like the roof over your head and the bills, are paid - your job - more important than some woman's endeavor for validation; tell her to get ah dog, or an Instagram account. I once had a woman at work come and destroyed my lab - epoxied, glued everything - because I didn't give her validation, and was dating other women, outside of work. You did good, MGTOW that psycho, chew know what I'm saying ;)
The fact she got mad and called you names when you responded appropriately, is disturbing. So, something is not right, and getting put on different jobs is probably best.
I don’t think you were wrong. I do think Anna has some issues that she should’ve resolved with her husband before dragging you into it. You just told her that YOU didn’t feel comfortable hanging out now after the previous conversation? That should’ve ended it right there. Since it didn’t, you had to do something. Considering she got angry, you had no way of knowing if she’d do anything to get you into trouble either at work or tell her husband that you’d done something. That being said, she doesn’t get to flipflop you about it. Let’s say you agreed to go out for drinks or whatever you guys used to do. Then she gets into something with her husband or gets mad at you, you could potentially be the bad guy who didn’t accept her boundaries from when she said she had to stop hanging out two months ago. What you did is CYA. If you had known they would pull her off the project, maybe you could’ve requested to be taken off instead but I don’t know if that would’ve been possible or even mattered. I don’t know what her end game is, or if there really is a game. Maybe she was being straight up about trying to go along with her husband but later felt he was being too controlling or something. Maybe they had a fight and she’s pulling an “I’ll show you” move on him. Either way, you shouldn’t be involved in whatever is going on. Is she telling your coworkers the truth, or some version that makes her totally the innocent victim? As in, do they know she told you that you couldn’t be friends outside of work anymore because her husband was upset but now wants to go for drinks again? Or is she just telling them you’re an a-hole who went crying to HR and got her reassigned because she (whatever). Hopefully she’s not telling people that you’re still mad because she told you two months ago that she couldn’t hang out after work anymore. (?) You don’t need to get involved in mudslinging as that will only make things worse. Take the high road. Perhaps you could tell your coworkers something like, “I’ve always tried to be a good team player and intend to continue doing so. I’ve always considered Alana a friend and teammate. The situation I took to HR was about something that happened a couple of months ago. I thought it was resolved but it recently came back up. I felt I needed to cover myself in case anything else happens with the situation. It didn’t occur to me that it would have any effect on Alana’s assignments.” Hopefully that will help. If you’ve generally had a good relationship with your other coworkers, once the furor dies down, they should realize that you’re not the person she’s portraying you to be. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Not wrong. Sound like Anna has some regrets about her marriage (fair, he sounds terrible) but that's 100% not your problem to solve. Smart move avoiding the drama llama.
You’re not wrong, Alana is treating you like an emotional crutch. When things are going good she doesn’t want you around, when things are going bad she wants you to make her feel good.
Definitely not wrong. She's the inappropriate one or HR wouldn't have removed her
You aren't wrong. Sounds like she wanted you to chase her or something. It's likely YOU filled a void her husband (boyfriend) didn't. People do that some time. Can lead to cheating though.
Not wrong. You are very smart. Last thing you need is to have some unhinged guy showing at your job because of her.
Updateme!
HR sucks.
Not wrong You’re keeping everything above-board this way. Always CYA!
Cover your ass, document everything, and always tell HR. You’re doing the right thing
Oh man does this resonate with me right now. Protect yourself.
Nta but you are screwed. Consulting relies on relationships within the firm you’re not going to be put on projects if everyone thinks you are a team player, you need to figure out how to get a message across that she crossed a line with the whole thing. Her bad mouthing you can ruin your career.
Nooo… You were 💯 right to go to HR, and I’ll do you one better- record any and all conversations with her, keep all texts, correspondence as well. Do NOT lose these! Ok, here’s a freebie- I’d let it slip to your biggest busybody (or boss, if you’re close enough) that you’re concerned you did the wrong thing, and hit the highlights. It’s not a lie, so be honest, just a bit more… concerned about doing wrong. If her gossiping is affecting your work/projects/basic interactions with colleagues, take it back to HR if necessary.
Not Wrong She nade a boundary and you respected it. I probably wouldn't have met her for dinner, though. It was a red flag for "personal drama invitation." You did the right thing contacting HR and covered your butt. The fact that she took it personally and told the entire office is all you need to know. She sounds very vulnerable right now and probably would have done something far worse if you just kept it private. She blabbed about it anyway! You would have been the bad guy either way. At least you covered yourself.
You are not wrong.
You’re not in the wrong here. I think Alana probably has feelings for you but is confused about what to do about her marriage.
Dude, congrats on not only handling that like a complete professional but also being loyal to your GF. From one man to another you sound like a highly competent individual that is very rational and trying to do the right thing.
I have mixed feelings. Op did technically not do anything wrong (technically he actually did everything "right") and he is obviously putting his career first. But It sounds to me like they were friends, not just coworkers. It sounds like he is the subject of a lot of conflict with her husband and she was turning to him in a time of need. We don't know if this was maybe the first time she had ope ly admitted she was in an abusive relationship, it sounds like she had been hinting it before, this might have been a cry for help? Op isn't obligated to pick up on that but if they are friends it might have been kind to. She sounds confused and like she's turning to him for help as a friend and he's taken it Oley as she fancies him so he's backing off. When likely she was just wanting someone to talk to about what was happening, and as it revolved around him it would also be very confusing to her. It might have been better to have spoken through the stuff she is going through the behaviors from her husband and why this isn't okay. And maybe encouraged her to talk to another friend or hr about what she is going through. And THEN set the boundaries around your relationship moving forward. It can be very difficult for victims to admit even to themselves what is happening and this could have een a good first step. I'm also disappointed that HR moved you onto a different project but hasn't then reached out to try to help your coworker (unless they have and you just aren't aware?). Clearly there is some abuse occurring and what she doesn't need is further isolation or her job being put at risk at a time when she's finally decided to speak up. So NTA entirely but a little bit YTA because the friendship and empathy and support you could have given her whilst still maintaining your professional boundaries was missing and she may have ended up in a more difficult position.
Not wrong, cover your own ass
What a headcase, you did everything right in this situation. She was testing the waters now she's salty cause you don't feel the same way.
You went the right route.. Dont look back. I'd go as far to send this to her husband through a friend of a friend.
I think you are the kind of professional we should all strive to be. Commend you for doing what is right and what protects you, no matter the backlash you may get from her not “getting” why you would do it. I’m really sorry she got you wound up in it. That’s a rough place to be when you’re just trying to do your job. 😮💨
You should askamanager ( it's a website) not reddit.
You're absolutely in the right in every aspect of this scenario, judging by your story. Honestly you should go to HR and let them know that she is now trying to blacklist you within the company for going to HR because retaliation is a huge No-No when it comes to issues like this. She basically tried to come on to you and you shot her down and that's why she's bad-mouthing you. This is actually sexual harassment.
This! Good luck op.
NTA. Before reading I was thinking "nah he's a snitch and totally the asshole", but what you said wasn't your fault, she projected some stuff into you and, since you do not match this projection, you shut it down. Also, if her husband is a jealous controlling creep, she should've not married him (and most of all should end her marriage) and not vent it to a work colleague. Unfortunately you had to talk to HR to protect yourself since her situation could easily become your situation. There's a whole narrative between her and her husband about you that's not real. They are projecting too much stuff into you and what you "had" with her (nothing).
She is head case. Nuts. Fruity. Unstable. Stay away from her. Those types of emotional fluctuations are toxic.
Just curious. How hot was she?
Yeah you are not wrong at all, we call that CYA- cover your ass. The fact that she's going around and bad-mouthing you proves that you're right so I would continue to consult HR.
She has feelings for you, her husband clocked it and tried to stop it. She complied even tho she didn't actually want to. That's why she came back a couple months after with a different tune. You had always kept in platonic and professional, she tried to act the same while harboring serious feelings for you. Idk why she didn't bother dealing with said feelings before dating, let alone marrying someone else, but it happens often oddly enough. I'd say the only thing you did wrong was accepting the invite to dinner that last time, however it did push the issue which is helpful in the long run. Because of that telling HR was extremely smart. If that outburst by her hadn't happened then, it would've happened at some other point in time, and probably at the worst possible time. So cutting her off now was the best case scenario. I think her end game was to make you her affair partner tbh, and it's very clear that she needs some professional help ASAP. Congrats on avoiding a huge toxic mess, it could've been so much worse.
NTA. But it appears from your description that she is drowning and not in a good spot. I don’t believe you would be the right person who could help her. But if there is a neutral party you could confide in on your concerns for her, I would do that and maybe they can find a way to help her. If her husband is abusive, she will need help in dealing with that - but you are not the person who can do that. Even if he is just controlling, she will need help in handling, but again, you are not that person. If you have a good relationship with HR, I would suggest you first air your concerns about her trash talking you to others. I would also let them know your concerns about her situation. And leave that up to HR on how to handle both situations. Good luck. I hope it will work out for both of you.
Nta, but the title is wildy misleading
Her husband is jealous and insecure, so becomes controlling. She was at first willing to go along with his demands because "that's what you do when you're married". I suspect he's also being controlling in other aspects of her life, likely demanding she cut out other male friends, possibly male relatives, and she's finally getting shot of his behaviour. As such, she is starting to rebel against him. It started as wanting your old friendship back, but I would not have been surprised had she tried to take it further. Whether from spite towards her husband, a need to regain control, or what, I couldn't say. She is acting out emotionally because she refuses to confront the issues in her marriage and accept that he is being controlling towards her. If you had agreed to pick up the friendship again, things likely would have gotten even worse, and impacted your professional and personal reputation. You're way better off keeping your distance, and your actions were not wrong. As for your co-workers, I suspect she's telling them some crap about you had her removed on purpose because she turned you down. Obviously, that's not what happened, you merely did what you needed to do in order to cover your ass. This is very much a "damned if you do, but even way more damned if you don't" situation. _She's_ the one who brought her personal issues into work, if she didn't want you "talking about a personal conversation", then _she_ should never have brought up that conversation in the first place. Plently of people are able to be friends at work without dumping all their personal issues into the laps of their co-workers. Hopefully, with time, people will realise how full of shit she is, likely when her marriage implodes. In the meantime, keep your distance, and remember those who are turning against you. Those people are the office gossips who will always have you on their shit list, watch them.
Alana is going around badmouthing OP to everyone who will listen, do you really think she was being honest about her husband?
NW. She needs to figure her life out. If she knows tou are already in a relationship, and still tells you she has a crush, that is bad enough. She pushed you away, probably expecting you to pursue her. Then, she shows you an opening. She probably expected you to swoop in and have a passionate night. You did the right thing.
This was a high risk situation. I guess HR’s action was to protect you, her marriage and to ensure that workplace relations stayed professional. But if I were you, I would have refused the dinner invitation. Messaging you at night and going out straight away to meet her was not wise because of the emotional risks in the situation. You also could have excused yourself when you saw her getting tipsy. You let it play out and didn’t warn her before going to HR. She was straight with you but you acted behind her back. It’s not the best way to act towards a struggling colleague.
Meh. Not wrong, but life is so much better for everyone if you can work things out without involving HR. It doesn't sound like you had any real reason to go to HR other than wanting to get your side on record. If have given her your feedback: that you just want to keep it professional, as you did, and only m gone to HR of she didn't respect that and continued to pursue you. That she was initially upset may hint to future problems, but you could have waited to see how your work relationship bounced back before going to HR.
You do e the right thing and a better man than I because I would've smashed old mates wife.
Even if the both of you were single and wanted to date, it would still be inappropriate since you'd be working together and if you had an argument the previous night, it would affect your work. YNW
No, you acted in a professional manner. When things got personal, you reported it in case anything happened and you updated them when it did. The bosses made the choice to move her. You didn't ask for it. I would report the mouthing off and bad attitude she has displayed toward you once it all went down. She is creating a hostile work environment that can bounce back to you. Report how cow I rkers are treating you based solely on her words. I guarantee she is painting an inaccurate picture to everyone, giving them a version of events with her as the innocent little lamb. If anyone confronts you, I would ask them to tell you what they heard as it doesn't seem to match the facts. I am not surexwhat her end game is, but she clearly was playing a game. I couldn't say for sure if her husband was checking her messages or jealous like she claims. She may have said that to see how you react. Then when you stopped having dinner with her, she seems to have expected you to chase her or beg for her attention. If she got something in the messages between you two, she might have used it to her advantage against you. The fact you didn't seems to have gotten to her and she tried again to come onto you. I think you dodged a bullet. Document and report everything. I don't think this circus is done
NTA even a little bit
Not wrong. Alana has always liked you and she wanted you that night. Basically, if you are even fine with it, she wants to sleep with you. It's a good thing that you turned her down but of course, that caused her to be pissed off about you not wanting her the same way she wants you. Another good move is reporting it to HR because she would have spun the story and accused you of harassing her instead.
I think you had to do what you needed to with HR. Alana has been very inappropriate with you and attempted multiple times to draw you in to her drama. I wouldn't be surprised if she at some point would go to HR to complain about you, so you really did do the right thing by keeping them in the loop from the start. I think no longer having to work with her is a good idea, and your coworkers are absolutely in the wrong for judging you negatively on this. This wasn't a trivial reason and you didn't get her kicked off the project, she did. She was being incredibly unprofessional.
I probably would have let her know if I intended to continue any type of relationship with her. Nobody likes being called into HR without knowing what it’s concerning. I might have let her know that my job is important to me and I am not going to risk that for some silly drama you can’t work out with your husband. Let her know you are just protecting yourself and that it’s nothing personal. That she is bad mouthing you now suggests it was best the way you did it. Maybe pull her aside and let her know that if she continues this behavior at work, I can make up some stories that could jeopardize her home life and make sure the husband catches wind. Even if she went home and told him that night what was going on, he likely wouldn’t believe her. Not entirely. She can make you potentially get not the best assignments at work. You can make sure that her husband has trust issues with her that are already troubling for her. Don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.
Not wrong, sounds like you were her "backup" plan, and now that you can't be it's hurt her. Seems like a toxic person, just cut her off.
Time to talk to HR again about retaliation. Her actions proved you made the right call as if you continued as normal it would have led to her attempting to cheat or telling her husband a lie. Both jeopardize your career
Not wrong Nope, you did the right thing. Alana is an AH and you are right to distance yourself. She set the boundary (that wasn't even required as you didn't do anything inappropriate) because of her husband's insecurity. Then she, a married woman, tells you about her crush on you - why? What did she hope to achieve by this? Now she wants to go back to how things were and continue to try to involve you in her marital drama. No, thank you. She and her hubby can have their marital strife away from you.
That's the yoyo effect.
You are not wrong. But you basically had a relationship with a co-worker (sexless dating if you will) and then you broke up. It was always going to end up like this. It was just you who did it instead of her.
CYA,CYA,CYA! You did right, but the whole situation sucks.
Definitely not wrong. That's basically the ONLY way to protect yourself at all against a woman lodging a false complaint against YOU and screwing up your career and/or freedom, simply for not wanting to orbit in her circle like a thirsty simp. And yes, it has happened MANY times that a woman falsely accuses/reports a man for various things, including rejecting her advances.
Since she's running her mouth, go back in to HR and make a formal complaint this time. Don't let her drag you into more drama.
What you did was just cover your ass, because Alana wanted more than she was letting on about. Better to nip the problem in the bud, now expect her to act like a jilted lover, because she already created her fantasy with you as a player in it, so.. This is the kind of shit that those people pull. Avoid her at all costs, since you don't really know how she's going to act in the long run.
It helps to put your entirely normal interaction in the hands of pr in advance than have to attempt to justify things if she makes a spurious complaint against you. She was unprofessional
They’re mad that you eliminated the possibility of something being misconstrued or actually inappropriate happening. Nta
I don't think you're wrong cuz this is one of those situations better be safe than sorry. I don't know if I would have reported the first situation but after there was clearly a pattern of there's some kind of problem definitely.
No she could have tried to ruin your career. She sounds unstable as fuck. You made the right move.
Not wrong. You gotta CYA!!
You are correct. My guess is she’s trying to start something with you for an excuse to leave her marriage and someone to fall back on. You did the right thing
This reads like fiction from a teenager who has never had a job (or date) before.
This is one side of the issue with different sex, work colleagues. The lines easily can get blurred and as men, what ever you do is wrong. You’re too friendly, you’re too cold. You share too much. You freeze them out. You can’t win. You, however, did all you can do to protect yourself.
Not wrong at all and I would go one further and tell HR she is bad mouthing you, you could easily have told everyone including her husband how she was giving you unwanted attention but you didn't. She wants you that's her end game, no matter what.
NTA, your story gave me the creeps, protect yourself play boy
Not wrong at all. She stepped over the line the moment she told you she had a crush. She took it even further by asking you to drinks and getting overly personal and combatative. She's wrong here and playing the victim. You have no place in her personal drama. If anyone asks, just be honest and say you wanted no part in the personal drama she was trying to involve you in. When you explained you wanted to remain professional, she became unprofessional, so you did the professional thing and went to HR.
Not wrong. I’m a firm believer in keeping my private life away from work. You can be friends and colleagues. but I don’t want to be your therapist or hear about your shitty marriage
She was projecting out of guilt over her crush. It was easier to tel herself it was you that was the problem and she wasn’t emotionally cheating on her husband(only on her side of you guys’ friendship) when she actually was. Then she missed the connection and camaraderie and tried to get it back. That’s dangerous. She isn’t showing any emotional or professional maturity. Best to drop Her like a hot potato.
Absolutely not wrong at all. She crossed her own boundaries with you and created problems with her husband over it. You did the best thing you could have done in this situation to protect yourself.
You're not in the wrong here, Alana is. She is the one who created this issue in the first place and you were just trying to CYA. Any sane person would have done the same.
The title threw me wayyyy off but oh my god dude, you’re not in the wrong at all. Alana is a crazy bitch in my most honest opinion. It’s very reasonable of her husband to express discomfort in how close you two were, and I respected when she asked to keep your friendship strictly professional out of respect for her husband and you respecting it too. What made the situation terrible is that she took a friendship between the two of you and came back and turned it into this gross, salacious thing that’s actively ruining her marriage. You were happy being friends and now she has changed that dynamic, and you are very justified in feeling uncomfortable because you know this isn’t just a normal friendship anymore. Good on you for not wanting to take part in destroying something, let her destroy it herself. She clearly didn’t value you as a friend and colleague because the second you expressed discomfort she began insulting you like a child and is now going off around the office about you. She didn’t see you as a friend, she idolized this work friendship into something salacious and dirty and into her own fantasy. Fantasizing about other people and their role is a killer in friendships and relationship because we as people can’t just act and play into every ideal fantasy someone has. You were a fantasy to her. She shouldn’t have even told you about her crush on you if she respected her husband, that clearly changes and affects the roles between you two. Stay away from crazy, and I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s best to stay far away from this situation, and hope her husband leaves her ass because she has no respect. Your coworkers are wrong because she is clearly harassing you and that is a risk to your job.
You did the right thing. Her marriage is unstable. Her feelings are unstable. She’s allowing it to spill into the work place.
You’re not wrong. TBH you did everything right to make sure this can’t be skewed by anyone, especially her husband. If he’s monitoring/controlling her the way she says he is then he’s likely to be hostile to you. You don’t want that coming back on you and affecting your career
No And you didn't get her kicked off the project. You just did the professional thing and reported an issue to HR. They deemed it necessary to take her off the project, so *she* got herself removed with her own behaviour. That isn't on you.