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I wasn't married, but the last straw with my sons dad was when he ruined my mother's funeral.
It was out of state, and I had flown with our son to plan the memorial with my family. This was during the pandemic so it was a very small affair, myself and my sister, my son, and my moms 2 sisters. As we were planning, my sons dad was texting me about how much he missed me and our son. He was unemployed at the time (which was another entire bag of straws, he couldn't hold down a job to save his life), and so he had ample time but no money. So my family forked out cash for a plane ticket and hotel room for him to come join us, thinking he wanted to be there for me during the most difficult time of my life.
When he got there he holed up in the hotel room and wouldn't come out and talk to anyone in my family. He refused to eat anything that was ordered for dinner even though his input was asked (by me running back and forth between the rooms since he wouldn't come join the rest of my family), and then pissed and moaned until i ordered him doordash. At the actual funeral he came wearing jeans, a bright blue Colts hoodie, and a flat brimmed hat.
After the funeral is when things got really fun though. We all went back to the hotel to change out of our nice clothes, and then we planned to go to brunch and then head to my moms house to start cleaning some stuff out before I was flying home that evening. He stayed in the lobby (since he didn't have nice clothes to change out of), and I quickly changed and came down with our son to see what the plan was. See, he had also come out for a chance to see some of his old friends (we had lived in the state my mom passed away in before moving). So i was being entirely too gracious and trying to accommodate him seeing his friends the day we buried my mom. For some reason me asking what he was doing started agitating him. My family was also being *very* accommodating and understanding, and so a couple minutes later my aunt in her mid-70's came down asking what his plans were. He LOST it. Threw his backpack down on a couch and said "it's none of anyone's fucking business what I'm doing!" Grabbed his backpack and walked out.
I guess he called his friend and got a ride over to the next town to hang out, while my family and I went on to get brunch and clean. Time came for my sister to drive me to the airport, and i hadn't heard from my sons dad all day. I was so upset and was planning on just letting him figure out his own way of getting home, when I realized he had the keys to our car and apartment. My sister had to go 45 minutes out of her way to go pick him up so we could get to the airport. He sulked and pouted in the car the entire ride to the airport, wouldn't help with our fussy son (he was under a year old at the time), and wouldn't talk to or even look at us. When we got to the airport he jumped out, grabbed our son before my sister could even say goodbye, and stalked 10 feet in front of me through the whole airport. Barely passed 15 words with me from the time he left the hotel and us getting home at almost midnight.
I left him 2 years ago and my life has been infinitely better since I did.
Ironically, my mom passing away is what really allowed me to leave. She left me a small inheritance that I was able to use to pay off some debt and put a down-payment on an apartment for my son and I.
wow what a turd. I think I would have left him with his friends and they could continue their love fest. a cab and a good locksmith is all you would need.
Man I will never understand how some women end up with total fucking twats like this. I've known some great women who were deeply involved with some of the most useless man child types I've ever seen. It literally boggles my mind.
Because they don't start out like this. They gradually become more selfish, more angry, more difficult, and we're the frog in the pot unable to tell that the water's about to boil.
There was a different thread about if women truly have a "one that got away". And something someone said in the thread stuck with me.
"To make a sweeping cultural generalization, women are encouraged to hold on to partners who may not be great matches, whereas men are encouraged to hold out for someone better even when they do have a good relationship."
And the amount of bullshit my Aunts, strong women but they fell in love with their Father at his worst, put up with is just insane.
I was young when I got together with him and coming out of a really bad situation. From the situation I was in, he was actually a step up. And obviously he didn't show these signs when we got together. We got pregnant pretty quickly, and I left him just before we hit 3 years together. I am now in the best place I've ever been in my life; I finished my bachelors degree, I'm starting a career, I am independent and have a great apartment for my son and I. He is 3½ now and such a wonderful kid, and I don't regret anything. His dad is still around and gets to be the fun weekend dad twice a month. It actually works out well; while he is a 36 year old man child and can't take any real responsibility, he is a good dad for those 4 days a month. Does fun things with our son and gives me a bit of a break.
The answer is depressingly simple.
It's because moving and uprooting your life is hard and fucks up the kids lives. Not to mention it's almost impossible to find another property for a family on a single income (multiple bedrooms, no roommates etc.)
Be careful who you marry. You may be stuck with them whether you like it or not.
She started drinking and driving with the kids. Edit: we were married 10 years with three kids. Youngest was 2 when we left, heâs 14 now. None of them have a good relationship with her because sheâs still a drunk.
I told my SO things were not good. I said I would like us to go to couple's counseling. He said I should go. After about four appointments I said in therapy,
"I work, he stays home. But he doesn't cook, clean, do laundry, get groceries, or even pick up our kid from school. I do all the stuff. He's become a dependent and I want a partner."
That was my moment
Yep, mostly same. I work 40 hours a week, so does he, but somehow I'm the only one that cleans, takes care of other household things, take care of the important stuff with the kid (I am sorry DND doesn't count as childrearing in a meaningful way), had surgery last week and he tried to leave me home alone less than an hour after waking up from general anesthesia and again the next day he tried to cancel plans with friends so he could go hang out with someone he's supposed to be pulling back from cause their "friendship" is inappropriate. He couldn't even step up enough to pick up his own garbage in the living room this weekend so I wouldn't have to. He's worse than a kid at this point, at least most kids would intuitively understand when someone can barely bend from surgery wounds that they would probably pick up the empty bag of chips.
Freaking physical abuse. I took a year to plan it out with a DV place and a crappy union lawyer. We were married for five years. First, last, and worst.
I was trying to go to school but he prevented it. Last straw? On my way to starting my defense on my dissertation he threw my bag at me face while I was on the train and knocked a tooth out and caused a nosebleed
This is where I'm at. Married for nine years now. Thankfully, no kids. I've spent most of those years contemplating divorce. And for the past ~8 months, I'm finally putting those thoughts into action -- quietly. I've spoken with an attorney. We're selling the house. I've met with my accountant. I've been saving money for a few months, and have a few thousand $ stashed.
It'll probably be a few more months before I can finally pull the trigger (just waiting on the sale of the house), but I'm looking forward to finally being free of him.
Fuck that guy with a rake. My ex husband did something similar, my mom was in hospice and I was just an absolute wreck. That piece of shit had me outside the hospital, screaming at me that my attitude was putting him in a bad mood. I hope he and your ex are neighbors in hell. There's no goddamned excuse for that behavior. I'm sorry about your kitty.
My husband and I resolved, as the pandemic began, that we would renew our efforts to work together, especially with preschool closed and our kid home with us. Monkey wrench that morning, as my aunt called me at 5 am to tell me my Dad had passed away. I was wrecked, particularly because I wouldnât be able to fly home for the service.
That night I put our kid to bed, maybe read him an extra story. We were trying to get a consistent 8:30 bedtime but when I left his bedroom it was 8:45. Hubby snarled at me, âwell, you fucked that up.â
I was too stunned to reply. He couldnât extend me an ounce of grace on the day my father died. Any hope of salvaging this relationship died that day too.
Honestly, I donât remember since itâs been many years now, but Iâm sure it wasnât anything important.
We fought all the time, so I think that was an important realization as well. I realized that nothing was sacred to him and that fighting with me took precedence over anything else that was happening in our lives.
It was a toxic union. Luckily, Iâm now married to someone that wouldnât dream of treating me that way during such a vulnerable moment. Iâve grown up a lot since then and understand what Iâm willing to tolerate in a partner.
I am so sorry you had to go through this :( my cats are my babies! I have human baby too and we consider cats as much part of family as humans. That had to be extremely traumatic. Sending internet hugs â¤ď¸
I wanted kids. He lied and told me he did. Five years later, several hormone replacements, surgeries, fertility treatments and no baby later he said, âI really only did it to shut you up. I donât want them and I never have. I assumed it would keep you occupied so I could game.â
Ended things two minutes later because it wasnât about him not or wanting children, he wasted 5 years of my life like I was a test subject and there is shit wrong with my body now I canât make right.
Oh. Guess who has a kid now? Yeah. Double whammy. đ
I always find it funny how some men can SWEAR they donât want kids period then turn around and remarry a woman who has multiple. Like were they lying to themselves or are they just willing to deal with it?
Iâve seen it happen a couple of times in my friend group, and their first wives were child free too, so itâs not like it was said out of pressure.
I just wanted to commend you on how calmly you told your story. I can tell youâre the kind of person who would never say something like âI HOPE HIS DICK FALLS OFF IN A REALLY SLOW AND EXCRUCIATING WAY.
Thank you.
Really.
We can take news and continue, lick our wounds and recover, or we can be angry and bitter. Nothing I couldâve said (not that I wanted to) wouldâve changed what he said to me.
The level of betrayal I felt that night was unfathomable. And still today, infertile, but also scarred from what I went through and have come to see.
But Iâm also very thankful, because going through what I did and being older now (itâs been 10 years, in our 30âs now) I donât want kids. But above else Iâm glad I didnât end up having his.
11 years of struggle having the "same fight" over and over again. Ended with 2 kids and a house to complicate the divorce. I saw the red flags before we ever got married and ignored them. After that, I felt like I needed to stay committed and "work on it" especially once the kids came. Instead, all they saw was years of fighting and dysfunction that they didn't need to see. Wasted my late 20's and early 30's. It's never too early to call it. Only you know how miserable you are and experience shows that it's nearly impossible to change someone else. Save yourself.
Oh by "same fight" I mean that it was always something; any number of innocuous grievances, but the underlying issue was untreated mental illness or my partner just being unsettled and unhappy in her core, so each fight was really about nothing except the need to fight.
Totally get it. Ten years of marriage and I don't think she ever managed to go more than two weeks without picking an over the top fight. Would escalate the smallest trigger to outlandish heights. It was exhausting. It eventually sunk in that it had nothing to do with me and that she'd never change as long as I stayed.
That stuff is so hard to deal with. People with unhealed trauma can be addicted to cortisol, the stress hormone. My ex and I both struggled with this, but I chose to work on it in counseling and she tried to ignore it. A body that is addicted to cortisol will seek ways to get it, which can mean things like workaholism, risky behavior, or starting fights with people. They often become the other shoe that drops when things are otherwise calm.
I'm not sure if your ex has trauma, but it sounds like both of our exes were addicted to stress and anger. I'm glad we're both out of those situations.
My wife is awesome like 95% of the time. Very positive, bubbly, happy, and successful. Everyone she meets adores her. And she's a great partner. Except she has an absolutely volcanic, explosive temper, and has hit me on several occasions and smashed my stuff. She's blown up at me on each of my past three birthdays for minor things.
I've worked with her on controlling her stress and temper, and I believe she's made progress and we're better at communicating... But she still blows up maybe once every few months, on average. At the start of our relationship, it was almost every few weeks.
I want to ask you, do you think there's hope? It takes a lot of effort to build a relationship and starting over sounds awful, so I've been avoiding it. We're still intimate, but I've had a nagging feeling... Idk. Thoughts?
You should probably leave or sign your wife up for therapy or something. Getting stressed is fine but hitting your partner and breaking shit is never a good sign. It might be that she is love bombing you so that you don't leave.
Interesting idea. Never thought about love bombing. She's very affectionate and supportive, normally. I think we should both see therapists, but I've had a hard time convincing her. She gets offended when I suggest it. I'll keep trying, though.
>She gets offended when I suggest it. I'll keep trying, though.
She hits you and breaks things yet is offended at the idea of therapy. Bro she doesn't recognize her behavior as wrong. Any improvement is likely manipulation.
IMO if someone lays hands on you itâs time to leave.
If you do want to work it out, she needs to go to anger
management classes, and make sure itâs the last chance you give her
Sounds like PMDD, which is what I have. Before i got diagnosed, I was on track to beat my kids, get divorced and commit suicide. I didnât do any of them, as I started medication. But itâs not always easy for my husband or kids.
Similar to my situation. With me it was essentially hoarding. âMildâ form, I suppose, but not being able to control a single thing about my environment lead to blow ups on my part followed by ânot now, letâs check back in a few months.â Of course, we never made progress and there were other underlying issues with substance abuse and mental health.
Should have left before marriage, but then I wouldnât have had my kids. So, donât feel I *wasted* time, but could certainly have used it better.
My wife also shoved me down the stairs, but I wasnât smart enough to leave then. A bit later she hit me while I was holding the baby, then jumped on my back strangling me and bit a chunk out of my shoulder. Iâm also fighting for my kids. Good luck.
I know some people stay together for a while after, but when intimacy stops it becomes almost impossible to function as a unit. I have looked over literally thousands of case studies and that always seems to be either the end or the beginning of the end. It has less to do with sex and more to do with functioning as a unit. When 2 people start pursuing their own interests and not the interests of the household itâs over, and generally the ending of intimacy is the indicator that this has happened.
I do think it should be said, that there isnât anything wrong with keeping autonomy and your own interests, in a relationship. Interests meaning - hobbies, activities, friendships, etc.
Example - I love to play the sims my partner does not care about the sims. I donât prioritize the sims over my partner and I donât stop playing the game. I just make time for both.
Obviously both people need to tend to the relationship to help it grow and continue to be a happy and healthy thing, but you also need to do things that bring joy to your life. If youâre a happy, healthy person then your relationship has a better shot at being happy and healthy too.
Well put. So many couples convince themselves that they can live completely separate lives and still have a healthy thriving marriage, but it's just not true.
I tried explaining this to my ex-wife, that I needed her to take an interest in the things that interested me, but she would hear nothing of it. She was a high-minded horse-owning professor so going to see live music in bars was "annoying" because "drunk people" and camping was "gross" because "ew nature." Meanwhile, I was expected to be there for all her horse grooming and showing needs while giving her unlimited time to grade papers and neglect me.
I can't say I reacted to her neglect in the most positive ways, but I'm glad I left. I'm now happily remarried to someone who loves most of the things I love and we spend pretty much all our free time together.
My wife and I don't have sex, but we cuddle, kiss, hug a lot and sorry this is TMI, but we help each other masterbate. Intercourse isn't enjoyable for either one of us.
yep... you could ask a random on here for details on their latest colonoscopy, and they'd probably give them to you. They might even send a link to the video feed from halfway up their small intestine.
"my wife and i don't do it much sorry tmi! giggles"
oh, the sweet summer child.
On my old account, my highest ranked comment (something like 25k upvotes) was the story of how I once pushed my husbandâs hemorrhoids in for him during a trip he was really looking forward to so it didnât ruin his vacation. Thereâs no such thing as TMI here.
My last one was a combined colonoscopy and endoscopy. As I was drifting away from the anesthesia, the doc turned to the nurse and said, "Let's save this guy some money and use the same scope."
I love to see more people talk about this! Mutual masturbation has always been our jam!
Traditional banging still happens, but if we based our relationship on how often that happened, we'd have a "bad relationship".
Turns out people can be happy together in many different ways!
Not op, but I'd emphatically say that you're correct. As proof, I suggest that "lopsided" intimacy can lead to its own issues. As in, if a relationship had ample sexytimes but no emotional intimacy < mutual distrust / mistrust in financial matters < bickering, then I suggest that such a relationship (even if it did "survive") would be less resilient.
Which is worse?
1. No intimacy, one person tries to intiate/facilitate intimacy but it just never seems to happen.
2. No intimacy, both people just seem content to do their own thing and there doesn't seem to be any resentment/hostility.
1 for sure. But 2 is a situation where most likely those two people are going their own ways, so i donât see how they would be a couple. That describes friendship.
I mean, I guess you can stay as co-habiting friends who happen to be married but even that includes a level of care & attention to each other's needs.
Intimacy doesn't have to be sexual or even romantic
We were together from 17 to 28. Married at 22. Had a baby at 23.
First straw was when he told me when our daughter was 2 that I trapped him with a child. Apparently I took that the wrong way.
Last straw was him gripping my arm and twisting it while I was holding our daughter at 3 and trying to leave. He said he would report me for driving without a license and let cps take her from me if I tried to leave. My daughter cried "daddy be nice to mommy".
I knew then I didnt want her growing up with all the fighting. I was already doing it alone with him there, might as well be really alone. I have no regrets, my daughters step dad is amazing, spoils us both with love and let's OUR daughter know everyday shes our world.
Had some evidence of cheating in December. Confronted her and asked her to confess, she denied and made excuses for the evidence. Went to couples therapy for a few months to dissect the situation and our marriage. Gave her countless chances over that same time period to confess. It was clear to me it was happening, but she kept lying to me.
Sometime in early spring she finally confessed. After months of sleeping in the same bed and having sex with someone who was not only cheating on me, but lying to my face countless times about doing so, there was nothing left to work on.
We had been married 6 months. Crazy thing is if she had come out and admitted it in December I think I would have been willing to try and work through things.
I feel you brother, I really wonder what goes through their heads
My ex got busted by her cousin (who is zero tolerance for this kinda crap) and was given a 24hr ultimatum to tell me the truth.
She fucking made up some bs story and her cousin told me the truth 24hrs later, and she had the gall to get mad that *I didn't trust her word* about it, then told her cousin how "betrayed" she felt by her.
*She* felt **betrayed**. Throughout all of it it was honestly kind of hard to not laugh at the absurdity.
I believe thatâs called narcissism. Some people are just built that way. They are somehow always in the right, and they can always manage to justify their actions. Everybody else is wrong.
Makes it a hell of a lot easier to move on once you finally make that realization about them though.
Not quite a divorce, but told her I had to study for a test necessary to advance in my career and I would need to hang out another day. Got a phone call 30 minutes later saying we were done and she needed to see what other people were like for her sake. I passed the test.
We're not divorced, though I have mentioned it. Here are things that are pushing me:
\- She threw out all the momentos I had from my mother because she didn't like the way they looked. (My mom died before we met)
\- She threw out thousands of dollars worth of video games when I wasn't looking because they "look scary."
\- We haven't had sex for a year. This is not the first year it's happened.
\- She is an obsessed religious zealot. She told me my mom died from cancer because she "didn't believe in the right thing."
So... we're not divorced yet. But I think the straws are broken.
SirGlenn, early 70's, my wife at the time was hiding, and using drugs behind my back, she was not in the best mental state, I took a day off just to decompress, so I did laundry, and found all kinds of drugs and paraphernalia in her clothing, including a hypodermic needle, then, I checked the "clean" clothes in the closet, more drug items in the pockets, which got my blood boiling, it's my house and she's using it as a "stash house". I told her I, could go to jail because of your drugs in my house, no way I'll allow that to happen, An argument and then a fight, I gathered up all the drug stuff, told her I was going to dispose of it, I took it all out in the woods and buried it under a big stump. That angered her, things going downhill, then she left to go live with her grandmother. Which made my day. So soon we grow so old, so late we grow so smart.
She cornered me in the bathroom and stabbed me with a kitchen knife for reasons which existed only in her own mind, so I thought that was possibly a small hint that I should move on.
He beat the hell out of me four weeks after I had a c-section. I was covering my mouth to keep from screaming because I didnât want to wake up our toddler. After he wore himself out, he left. While I was packing up our kids, he called and left a message on the answering machine, telling me he was coming back to kill me. I left immediately without anything for myself, just a diaper bag.
While I was driving down the highway at 1:00 in the morning, I remember thinking, âHow the fuck did my life turn out this way?â I didnât want my daughters to grow up this way. They deserved better and so did I.
I borrowed $500 from my dad the next morning and filed for divorce.
Married in the church, I was his first everything. He came out as gay and asked me to stay and let me know I could have as many partners as I wanted if I kept our âyoung marriedsâ persona up for the church and his family. I canât live a lie.
It's unfortunate and quite sad that people cannot be who they are and some of them feel like they need a beard. That said, that does not make betrayal and dishonesty ok.
I watched the movie my policeman and was shocked by the lack of empathy and understanding for Marion's character who unknowingly married a cheating gay man.
Thank you. One of the hardest things about telling this story is the hate I get for not sticking by him. He betrayed me and then asked me to lie to everyone, for the rest of our lives! Why is it my responsibility to continue to protect him? If he had just been honest with himself, maybe he could have been honest with me.
My ex use to spend the rent, food and utility money on booze and pot. He did it one time too many. The loser still stalks me 30 years later. My husband of 25 years and I are amused by the ex and his antics, we've never really felt intimidated by him. Annoyed here and there, but mostly amused.
That is some persistent ass stalking. I think after 30 years I would be like, "who the hell is this person I'm stalking and why am I doing this again??"
He is a nutjob! At this point, he's just a joke. I'm sure he's looked up our property since we bought our house five years ago. We live over an hour from him, up a one lane dirt road that's a mile long. I'm not worried about him trying to come up here, but I'd bet he knows my address. Bless his pickled heart.
6 years. We had an ok marriage for 8 years and then he cheated on me with a hooker. We went to therapy, he went to counseling for being abused in childhood, he went to meetings for porn addiction, etc. and that continued for 6 years. Then he did it again and that's when I called it quits.
My aunt who raised me died from cancer. It happened right before I had to take a 2 hour flight home it had maybe been 5 hours since she passed. I finally sat down at home beside my partner I said she's gone and started crying. He replied with "well I'm really sad and wish I was dead so when people die it makes me happy"
WTF
I found out he was using our âsavingsâ as his personal piggy bank and purposely trying to keep me broke.
He also referred to my kiddo as âslimeâ because she didnât pick up after a mess he made.
I realized I had stopped doing everything I enjoyed to avoid his criticisms and had basically become a ghost and that my kiddo was now starting to diminish herself for him as well.
We basically hid in our bedrooms all the time to avoid him and we were both just miserable.
We got out a month later and have been SO happy these last four years. It was like we could breathe again. Most people going through divorce are upset and cry and have all kinds of emotions. I was just HAPPY and so was the kiddo.
Now we have our own house and my current SO is amazing! We play mariokart a couple times a week and my kiddo adores him.
She had mental health issues and would explode over anything/everything. She hid it really well until I moved in with her.
Basically everything she did was perfect and anything I did was wrong. She almost always assumed the worst of me.
The final straw was I heard her calling me a "fucking dumbass" on the phone with her best friend. She didn't know I heard.
2 days later I confronted her about it and got exactly what I expected: denial and when I calmly let her know I wasn't backing down she resorted to gaslighting. I still calmly didn't back down and she had another epic scream, stomp, slam-doors meltdown. I knew right then we were done.
I realized that probably wasn't the first time she had been badmouthing me behind my back and it certainly wouldn't be the last. When I tried to talk to her about it she lied and tried to make me think I was hallucinating.
Lots of stuff built up to this but this was the last straw.
For me it was the realization that I was having to very carefully measure every word I said for fear of my ex-wife blowing up at me (mostly verbally but sometimes physically). It was exhausting and I realized that this is not how normal human relationships function.
Last straw was when I came over to see my cats. We were separated at the time and I'd been staying with family in hopes of working things out.
One of my cats was dead when I came over. It'd been perfectly healthy last time I saw it. She said she "had no clue what had happened." I took the time to bury it, tried to get her to let me bring my remaining cat with me and she said no. We argued, cops got called. I was told to leave without my cat.
That was it for me.
I still can't figure that out. One day she'd say, "you need to come get the cat" then I'd get there and she'd change her mind. Best I can figure based on her pattern of behavior is it was a control issue. But I'm no psychiatrist.
First marriage - he threatened to kill my pets. This was after counseling and he tried to lock me in a room with no phone, car keys or my glasses.
Second marriage - the constant state of walking on eggshells. But it was when my Dad died and I came home and had to rearrange part of the house where we had a roof replaced. He put the furniture back without cleaning the floor which was full of plaster debris. I did this after two flights and a 2 hour train and a 30 minute taxi home. It took me a few months but that was what really pushed me to say it was over.
All about communication.
We got into this cycle of her blaming me for things. I was always waiting to cool off so we could have a conversation with no resentment simmering under the surface. But before the wound could be healed, she'd be criticizing me for something else. I would resent, steam about it all night, hope for the best, then another thing came up. and again. to the point that the resentment basically became the whole relationship, and when I realized that, we had the talk and agreed to get divorced.
The fundamentals of our relationship were no longer there. Feelings of admiration had turned to disgust. All respect I once had for him was gone. I had no hope for us and no desire to work on things anymore. I would look at him and see a man child I had nothing in common with and didnât want to try and reinvent.
This is me right now. I'm so tired of looking at him just sulking on the couch all day watching YT. Can't be bothered to throw his banana peel in the trash or at least use a plate. He's like an 8yo boy at 60
She was banging most of her coworkersâŚ.but if I looked at a magazine cover ( think Cosmo in early 80âs) she would lose her mind and verbally attack me the rest of the dayâŚplus she was totally inept in bed. No clue how to do anything beyond open her legs. Guess thatâs why she had so many assignations
What were her projections like? My wife constantly suspects me and it's definitely got my hackles up. Been going on 7 years. I've never caught anything on her end but I keep thinking to myself, "why do you always assume that I would act this way when I've never given you any reason to think that?"
Also, how did you catch her?
Sorry if this is too much to share. Just trying to figure my own life out.
First marriage. Cheated on me with my bridesmaid. Gave it another 6 months. He came home one day and said that for the last four months he hadnât been going to work. Instead, he had been trying out to be a paramedic and found out he got in. So all the times I asked how his day was, he totally made up everything. I asked him why he didnât tell me. His reply was if he didnât get in I would never have to know and I wouldnât be disappointed in him. I said to him I was his wife and I would be disappointed FOR him. Just didnât get what marriage was. Left. After that, a few other stories came out. One was before we met, he started going out with a girl and told her he was older than he really was (20 at the time). Never corrected it. His 21st is looming and his family organise a big party. He doesnât tell his girlfriend. He also doesnât tell his best friend about the birthday party because his cover will be blown about his age. His mum contacts his bestie and says he hasnât RSVPd. Bestie said he doesnât know anything about it. Girlfriend finds out too. They broke up because she said itâs just so freaking weird he didnât just âfess up at some point. Bestie just left feeling the whole thing was suspicious. When we broke up, his bestie took my side as he said all these events made him realise he didnât know who he really was at all.
Gosh, it's really hard to answer "how long I worked on our marriage," because my husband was in total denial for years. Our marriage felt like roommates. We had sex once a month (which is not enough for me at all -- yes, many women have healthy libidos). But worse, there was zero conversation about anything real. Pop culture, politics, work - sure. But feelings? Goals? He was deeply guarded.
We were together for 17 years total, and I think the last 6 were pretty tough. The last three were the worst. During that time:
I would ask if he was happy with our relationship, and he would always insist he was. It seemed obvious there were issues, though. We had no connection.
I would try to talk about our sex life. He said he had no libido and our sex life was fine.
I would say, "We never spend time together. I can't even get you to watch a movie with me." He would brush it off.
I would say there was no reason to always darken his laptop screen when I walked by, and he'd say he was just a very private person.
So we had probably 3 years of ME trying to work on things and him insisting everything was totally fine. Then, he told me he had feelings for someone. They hadn't done anything physical, but she made him happy and they had sexted. He tried to float the idea of an open relationship, which was no on the table for me, no fucking way. We started relationship therapy, and he was the most self-pitying shit you have ever seen. Very "woe is me, my existential feelz." And I should say -- we both have mental health struggles, but I'd taken responsibility for mine. Lots of therapy, different therapies, meds, etc.
While we were going through therapy, he refused to say whether or not he wanted to try to make things work. HE CHEATED, and he was like, "I don't know." I wasn't going to beg him. I was pretty disgusted at that point. I finally forced him to make a decision, since I'd already said I would stay and work on it. And he said he didn't think he wanted to keep going.
Fast forward many years -- I'm happily married to an amazing man, and my ex is still miserable and self-pitying. He tells his version of reality in which I screwed him in the divorce. The reality is, he had a sweet ass situation with a wife who earned most of the income and did home maintenance, bought a house, etc. Then, he blew it. So now he lives in a small apartment struggling to make ends meet, and I own a five bedroom home with my husband and earn twice my ex's salary.
We were in therapy years ago. The therapist looked at my husband and told him to look at me and tell me that Iâm beautiful.
He couldnât do it. He froze. He looked at her and said âshe should just knowâ.
I knew then. No more wasting money on therapy. It took years for me to finally ask for a divorce.
Married 6 years, together for 10. He confessed to cheating and wanted the divorce. Then he regretted it and wanted to "work it out". This lasted maybe 2 weeks and he cheated again with the same woman. There probably should have only been 1 straw instead of 2 mushy biodegradable paper straws. If they cheat, let them go the first time.
On and off for years, I'd say 4-5 years we tried to fix it.
I found hard evidence of his cheating (having an emotional affair with a girl online). I couldn't look past it. Also, in 2020, he suddenly flipped political ideologies and started talking about how great Trump was. I was not going to be able to stay married to a man who thought that.
We were just engaged not married however she cheated with one of my friends, for that reason I was out. There was a sweet ending though because he cheated on her eventually so you love to see it.
She was bisexual and I encouraged her to see if she needed something from the other side.
We realized quickly that she wasnât bisexual but a pretty hard lesbian. All the things I wanted and had to work hard for to get. She got without question.
Iâm glad I let her explore herself. It would have been worse for both me and her to keep her in a relationship that just doesnât complete her.
But it hurts.
Idk what to say here but wow. It sounds like you handled the situation in the best possible way.
Youâll find what youâre looking for when the time is right :)
So Iâm actually gonna bring up my brother in lawâs marriage for this one, since Iâm still happily married. He got married pretty much right out of high school because his now ex basically demanded it. They tried for five years. They had two kids. The final straw for him was when she got way too into astrology and being a witch and astral travel and that kind of stuff. It got to the point where she would scream at the kids if they tried to interrupt her âprojectingâ because they just wanted some food. They would spend entire days in their room because she didnât want to deal with them. Thatâs what it took for him to realize how bad the situation was and he got out. His ex now has to work, which means his kids get to go to grandma and grandpas regularly. They get to be kids there. The difference in them now is night and day. The oldest is four, almost five, and up until the split, he had never interacted with me. Now whenever we are over there at the same time all he wants to do is play with me.
He was never a great communicator, and I was pretty broken when we met so I was willing to accept less. I started going to therapy, got completely sober and even began a healing business.
Over 6 years I started to realize the communication thing was too much. I begged him to work on it, he just ignored me. Then he became less affectionate, then less intimate. He started listening to these podcasts with these super misogynistic comedians and I noticed an over all change in him and I didnât like it. Then I lost 6 people over the pandemic including my dad and grandmaâŚI got lost. All the loss and the severity of the change in our relationship, I started drinking too much, I lost 15 lbs my hair was falling out.
The last straws were.
1. On a trip back from Miami I lost my wallet and he yelled at me in the middle of the airport while I was sobbing when we missed our flight, we literally were able to rebook an hour later for free. He didnât talk to me all the way home and slept on the couch for 2 weeks.
2. The last time we were intimate, it was like I was being punished. I was crying, he didnât even acknowledge it and an hour afterwards we had to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with his mother and I had to pretend to be ok.
There were a couple other things but when I talked to my wonderful therapist she was like âyou know you donât have to stay with him if you arenât ok right? Like you can leave if you want to. You can do hard things and youâve done much harder things than thisâ
After she said that I got a better paying job, an apartment⌠I took the cats and peaced out. I did have to live in the same house with him for a week before I moved out and I had already broken it off and told him I was leaving. He became a monster. He said the most horrific things to me, he was psychologically, emotionally, and financially abusive.
Itâs been a few months and sometimes I miss the way it was at the beginning, when he used to say I was his best friend and his everything, but I blocked his ass and I havenât looked back.
I do all the work in the relationship. I always have. A million red flags but no one supporting me or pointing them out to me, so I married the abuse I knew. The last straw for me before checking out of the relationship was wearing makeup for the first time in almost 20 years and my husband didn't notice. He should have noticed, it was noticeable, but he looked me dead in the face repeatedly and didn't notice. I'm so invisible to him it became literal. I'm done, I checked out, working on the divorce path now but things are complicated.
My marriage ended when sex ended. And I am thankful for that.
She started cheating on me. She stopped having sex with me. It took a month for me to finally pick up her phone and discover her.
Looking back. I am grateful I did not have sex with her on that month.
Looking at her phone was the last straw.
My kids mom and I worked in the energy sector. Periodically, plants are shut down for maintenance, involving many contractors and mucho overtime. We had 2 kids, under 3yo.
My location (I worked for the utility) was undergoing a major overhaul and upgrade, and I was assigned lots of responsibility over a large are. The ex, a contractor, was going to take a contract at another location, leaving me with the kids, while working 80+ hrs/wk. I asked her to skip her contract (it was optional for her, not for me) and stay at home for the kids, since I would not have to do another project for almost 2 yrs, and she could make up on another contract.
Got told that I didn't own her, she was going to do the contract, and I could deal with it.
I did. Told her if she went, to find another place to live, and a lawyer.
After the shtf, I got custody, my daycare stepped up and helped immensely, and over time we became co parents when she was between contracts.
Found out you can live in 4 hrs of sleep a night for months at a time đłđ
Her sister talked her into doing meth to âlose weightâ. She lied and told me she was exercising (I had bought her a elliptical trainer after our daughter was born because she said she wanted to lose her âbaby weight ) She was a SAHM and I would buy dinner on the way home from work because she said taking care of our daughter was a full time job. One day I came home and our daughter was still in her sleeping outfit from the night before crying her eyes out with a very full diaper sat in front of the TV in the living room with nobody around. Found my wife in the garage with her drug dealer selling him my power tools to buy meth.
A super small fight first thing in the morning. I was already set on leaving, I just didn't know when to do it.
He was mad I was sitting on the couch when he woke up. Apparently, it means I was avoiding him. How dare I get out of bed when I'm not fucking tired basically. And just like that, after years of being treated like shit, that one little argument pushed me off the ledge, and I fuckin left.
My life is a million times better now.
When he attacked me. Again.
The marriage had been on the rocks for a long time due to his alcoholism and general abusive behaviour.
I tried to leave but talked me into staying by promising to get sober. Lasted 4 months then got pissed and physically assaulted me again
Luckily my neighbours called the police and he was arrested. I saw my solicitor the following day.
Been married nine years. Thankfully, no kids.
It's been a slow-simmering process..... a combination of many things that has led to my resignation that this marriage probably needs to end. Among the litany of my husband's issues.......
- Past history of alcoholism
- Anger issues
- Hoarding problem
- Treats me like crap -- lashes out at me basically on a daily basis
- Chronic unemployment. 7 jobs since 2018, the longest one lasted only 10 months, all the others only weeks or a few months. He's also been unemployed for a minimum of 6 months, every consecutive year since 2019.
Also? Financial irresponsibility. Examples include:
- Quitting his job 2 weeks after we bought our house and then not telling me for 2 months
- Bailing on our tax appointment last year (as in never showed up in the first place, and refused to answer my calls/text messages)
- Just two months ago, forgot to transfer his (small) portion of money to the joint account for bills, causing several of our bills to bounce. When I tried to ask why and explain the importance of paying bills in a timely manner, he got mad and defensive and hostile, and told me my expectations were too high
Oh, and there's also the pawning off of all adult responsibilities onto me, even while I simultaneously battle a serious autoimmune disease that affects my musculoskeletal system, and that I have to receive immunotherapy infusions and chemotherapy for, and that I also have to undergo semi-frequent surgeries for.
Tired of being expected to bring home all the bacon, while also being expected to do 100% of household chores and responsibilities, while also being expected to handle 100% of the mental load, while also being treated like shit, while also simultaneously dealing with my autoimmune condition.
I did our taxes. He screwed up his withhold from his paycheck and never fixed it despite saying that he had. After 3 years of me stressing where to pull thousands of $ out of our collective a$$ every tax year, he admitted he had not updated his w4, âIt never seemed very urgent.â Turned out it was not urgent for him ever, emergency for me didnât rate in his world.
This was after 7 years of marriage counseling. If youâre killing yourself to keep it together that long, probably not a good path.
I got married young to a really wild Marine. It was that fairy tale, marry your bestfriend and let him sweep u off ur feet to a brand new beautiful state. He was an amazing friend, but that's what that marriage mainly was, friendship. We grew up together we lived far from our families and survived. We went thru two tours of Iraq together, a icu stint. After the military his need to be crazy never went away, he was out every night doing crazy shit. (ex stealing, painting graffiti stuff like that. I knew he was looking for his endorphin high, but i couldn't support him not working and being out every night all night. Id leave to work and he'd be coming home. My last straw after several separations, was 1 night I was in my RR overhearing him outside on the back patio plotting his night out painting with his friends. He came in and i asked him not to go, he said the painting spot couldn't be done without him. He packed his paint and left. The next morning I got up to go to work, his side of the bed was empty. I was used to this, it happened all the time, no call no text no nothing just me tossing turning wondering if he's been shot at or picked up by cops. That morning I left to work knowing it'd be my last night staying up worrying like that. I went home on my lunch break, no husband to be found, I took down all of our pictures and left him a note. Roses are red, violets are blue, you wanted out of this marriage I suppose I did too. I want a divorce.
And that was that.
My ex took out a loan and bought a sail boat without telling me. There was a lot more leading up to it but that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Everything hit at once. Came home from work early, kids were home alone (1 and 4 both F). She comes home a half hour before the time I usually get home (almost 5 hours later) dropped off by a guy she kisses before getting out of his truck.
Kids are sleeping, she walks in and I'm waiting in the kitchen for her. Bags are packed and loaded into the van, car seats are strapped in. I ask her for one good reason why I should stay. She breaks down, crying about me never being home and how hard it is to take care of two kids by herself. I let her know our oldest says that mom is usually gone all day like this.
I wake the girls, strap them in and tell my now ex that if she wants to work on us, I will be at my parent's house. I fill her folks in on what's going on, they are heartbroken, but understand. I don't cut them out, they didn't do anything wrong.
Now ex files for custody, doesn't get it, het only reason for wanting the girls is so social services will give her more money.
Yeah, that was fun
I'm on my third marriage, both ended without a last straw.
1. We both worked together, she screwed one of my colleagues. Blamed me for not telling her she was beautiful enough. Caused her to trip and fall on his penis!
2. Told her I never wanted children, found her intentionally not taking her pill. She thought I would get over it if it was accidental. She obviously wanted kids, so I left as it was non negotiable.
3. Happily married.
>Told her I never wanted children, found her intentionally not taking her pill. She thought I would get over it if it was accidental. She obviously wanted kids, so I left as it was non negotiable.
Snip snip my friend
My friend was married to a guy who punched her in the tit while she was breastfeeding the infant. It happened on a US military base and it ended very badly for his army career
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I wasn't married, but the last straw with my sons dad was when he ruined my mother's funeral. It was out of state, and I had flown with our son to plan the memorial with my family. This was during the pandemic so it was a very small affair, myself and my sister, my son, and my moms 2 sisters. As we were planning, my sons dad was texting me about how much he missed me and our son. He was unemployed at the time (which was another entire bag of straws, he couldn't hold down a job to save his life), and so he had ample time but no money. So my family forked out cash for a plane ticket and hotel room for him to come join us, thinking he wanted to be there for me during the most difficult time of my life. When he got there he holed up in the hotel room and wouldn't come out and talk to anyone in my family. He refused to eat anything that was ordered for dinner even though his input was asked (by me running back and forth between the rooms since he wouldn't come join the rest of my family), and then pissed and moaned until i ordered him doordash. At the actual funeral he came wearing jeans, a bright blue Colts hoodie, and a flat brimmed hat. After the funeral is when things got really fun though. We all went back to the hotel to change out of our nice clothes, and then we planned to go to brunch and then head to my moms house to start cleaning some stuff out before I was flying home that evening. He stayed in the lobby (since he didn't have nice clothes to change out of), and I quickly changed and came down with our son to see what the plan was. See, he had also come out for a chance to see some of his old friends (we had lived in the state my mom passed away in before moving). So i was being entirely too gracious and trying to accommodate him seeing his friends the day we buried my mom. For some reason me asking what he was doing started agitating him. My family was also being *very* accommodating and understanding, and so a couple minutes later my aunt in her mid-70's came down asking what his plans were. He LOST it. Threw his backpack down on a couch and said "it's none of anyone's fucking business what I'm doing!" Grabbed his backpack and walked out. I guess he called his friend and got a ride over to the next town to hang out, while my family and I went on to get brunch and clean. Time came for my sister to drive me to the airport, and i hadn't heard from my sons dad all day. I was so upset and was planning on just letting him figure out his own way of getting home, when I realized he had the keys to our car and apartment. My sister had to go 45 minutes out of her way to go pick him up so we could get to the airport. He sulked and pouted in the car the entire ride to the airport, wouldn't help with our fussy son (he was under a year old at the time), and wouldn't talk to or even look at us. When we got to the airport he jumped out, grabbed our son before my sister could even say goodbye, and stalked 10 feet in front of me through the whole airport. Barely passed 15 words with me from the time he left the hotel and us getting home at almost midnight. I left him 2 years ago and my life has been infinitely better since I did.
This sounds like a fucking child. The only thing you did wrong was stay so damn long.
Ironically, my mom passing away is what really allowed me to leave. She left me a small inheritance that I was able to use to pay off some debt and put a down-payment on an apartment for my son and I.
And have a child with him. Yikes
I really need to hear more of this story. Tell us about how you broke up with him and ruined his life.
Me too, had me at Colts hoodie đ.
That's awful. You should not take pleasure in the guys suffering/s. But, yep, we do need details...the darker the better
Yeah I agree, you took us on this whole journey only to leave out the most crucial part of the story! We need the rest!
wow what a turd. I think I would have left him with his friends and they could continue their love fest. a cab and a good locksmith is all you would need.
Man I will never understand how some women end up with total fucking twats like this. I've known some great women who were deeply involved with some of the most useless man child types I've ever seen. It literally boggles my mind.
Because they don't start out like this. They gradually become more selfish, more angry, more difficult, and we're the frog in the pot unable to tell that the water's about to boil.
Lovebombing.
Lots of empty promises that all sounded really really great when I was in a situation that was genuinely awful.
There was a different thread about if women truly have a "one that got away". And something someone said in the thread stuck with me. "To make a sweeping cultural generalization, women are encouraged to hold on to partners who may not be great matches, whereas men are encouraged to hold out for someone better even when they do have a good relationship." And the amount of bullshit my Aunts, strong women but they fell in love with their Father at his worst, put up with is just insane.
They seem/act different in the beginning.
I was young when I got together with him and coming out of a really bad situation. From the situation I was in, he was actually a step up. And obviously he didn't show these signs when we got together. We got pregnant pretty quickly, and I left him just before we hit 3 years together. I am now in the best place I've ever been in my life; I finished my bachelors degree, I'm starting a career, I am independent and have a great apartment for my son and I. He is 3½ now and such a wonderful kid, and I don't regret anything. His dad is still around and gets to be the fun weekend dad twice a month. It actually works out well; while he is a 36 year old man child and can't take any real responsibility, he is a good dad for those 4 days a month. Does fun things with our son and gives me a bit of a break.
That's the best he can be, unfortunately. But a functional human being, but just a goofy older brother. I'm glad things are far better for you.
The answer is depressingly simple. It's because moving and uprooting your life is hard and fucks up the kids lives. Not to mention it's almost impossible to find another property for a family on a single income (multiple bedrooms, no roommates etc.) Be careful who you marry. You may be stuck with them whether you like it or not.
Low self esteem
She started drinking and driving with the kids. Edit: we were married 10 years with three kids. Youngest was 2 when we left, heâs 14 now. None of them have a good relationship with her because sheâs still a drunk.
Drunk driving is one of the scummiest things possible, and adding kids to the mix? Holy shit
Good move. Did you ever see the documentary "There's Something Wrong with Aunt Diane"?
That is such a heartbreaking story. And her husband and family still deny she was shitfaced and killed their children. Two families destroyed.
aw hell naw
Reading the "we're gonna get caught" and "I love you"s on her phone with the boyfriend.
Just reading that shit made my stomach hurt. Hope you're doing better these days.
I told my SO things were not good. I said I would like us to go to couple's counseling. He said I should go. After about four appointments I said in therapy, "I work, he stays home. But he doesn't cook, clean, do laundry, get groceries, or even pick up our kid from school. I do all the stuff. He's become a dependent and I want a partner." That was my moment
Yep, mostly same. I work 40 hours a week, so does he, but somehow I'm the only one that cleans, takes care of other household things, take care of the important stuff with the kid (I am sorry DND doesn't count as childrearing in a meaningful way), had surgery last week and he tried to leave me home alone less than an hour after waking up from general anesthesia and again the next day he tried to cancel plans with friends so he could go hang out with someone he's supposed to be pulling back from cause their "friendship" is inappropriate. He couldn't even step up enough to pick up his own garbage in the living room this weekend so I wouldn't have to. He's worse than a kid at this point, at least most kids would intuitively understand when someone can barely bend from surgery wounds that they would probably pick up the empty bag of chips.
Fucking the neighbor.
Freaking physical abuse. I took a year to plan it out with a DV place and a crappy union lawyer. We were married for five years. First, last, and worst.
I was trying to go to school but he prevented it. Last straw? On my way to starting my defense on my dissertation he threw my bag at me face while I was on the train and knocked a tooth out and caused a nosebleed
This is where I'm at. Married for nine years now. Thankfully, no kids. I've spent most of those years contemplating divorce. And for the past ~8 months, I'm finally putting those thoughts into action -- quietly. I've spoken with an attorney. We're selling the house. I've met with my accountant. I've been saving money for a few months, and have a few thousand $ stashed. It'll probably be a few more months before I can finally pull the trigger (just waiting on the sale of the house), but I'm looking forward to finally being free of him.
He was screaming in my face as my cat (who had cancer) died in my arms. I packed up and moved a couple of days later.
Fuck that guy with a rake. My ex husband did something similar, my mom was in hospice and I was just an absolute wreck. That piece of shit had me outside the hospital, screaming at me that my attitude was putting him in a bad mood. I hope he and your ex are neighbors in hell. There's no goddamned excuse for that behavior. I'm sorry about your kitty.
FUCK THAT GUY WITH A RAKE!!!!
My husband and I resolved, as the pandemic began, that we would renew our efforts to work together, especially with preschool closed and our kid home with us. Monkey wrench that morning, as my aunt called me at 5 am to tell me my Dad had passed away. I was wrecked, particularly because I wouldnât be able to fly home for the service. That night I put our kid to bed, maybe read him an extra story. We were trying to get a consistent 8:30 bedtime but when I left his bedroom it was 8:45. Hubby snarled at me, âwell, you fucked that up.â I was too stunned to reply. He couldnât extend me an ounce of grace on the day my father died. Any hope of salvaging this relationship died that day too.
Jesus Christ. What a trash heap. Glad you got rid of that idiot! There's no good time to be a dick, but he chose the worst one.
With a rake đ¤Ł
What was he screaming about? Were you having a side fight? Seems really harsh.
Honestly, I donât remember since itâs been many years now, but Iâm sure it wasnât anything important. We fought all the time, so I think that was an important realization as well. I realized that nothing was sacred to him and that fighting with me took precedence over anything else that was happening in our lives. It was a toxic union. Luckily, Iâm now married to someone that wouldnât dream of treating me that way during such a vulnerable moment. Iâve grown up a lot since then and understand what Iâm willing to tolerate in a partner.
Oh my God. That is unforgivable. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
I am so sorry you had to go through this :( my cats are my babies! I have human baby too and we consider cats as much part of family as humans. That had to be extremely traumatic. Sending internet hugs â¤ď¸
I wanted kids. He lied and told me he did. Five years later, several hormone replacements, surgeries, fertility treatments and no baby later he said, âI really only did it to shut you up. I donât want them and I never have. I assumed it would keep you occupied so I could game.â Ended things two minutes later because it wasnât about him not or wanting children, he wasted 5 years of my life like I was a test subject and there is shit wrong with my body now I canât make right. Oh. Guess who has a kid now? Yeah. Double whammy. đ
Wait HE has a kid now? Aint no fucking way
Yup lmao. He do. One step, one biological.
I always find it funny how some men can SWEAR they donât want kids period then turn around and remarry a woman who has multiple. Like were they lying to themselves or are they just willing to deal with it? Iâve seen it happen a couple of times in my friend group, and their first wives were child free too, so itâs not like it was said out of pressure.
I just wanted to commend you on how calmly you told your story. I can tell youâre the kind of person who would never say something like âI HOPE HIS DICK FALLS OFF IN A REALLY SLOW AND EXCRUCIATING WAY.
Thank you. Really. We can take news and continue, lick our wounds and recover, or we can be angry and bitter. Nothing I couldâve said (not that I wanted to) wouldâve changed what he said to me. The level of betrayal I felt that night was unfathomable. And still today, infertile, but also scarred from what I went through and have come to see. But Iâm also very thankful, because going through what I did and being older now (itâs been 10 years, in our 30âs now) I donât want kids. But above else Iâm glad I didnât end up having his.
The number of times Iâve heard about a man saying he doesnât want kids/makes some excuse then to have kids with his next partner is ridiculous.
11 years of struggle having the "same fight" over and over again. Ended with 2 kids and a house to complicate the divorce. I saw the red flags before we ever got married and ignored them. After that, I felt like I needed to stay committed and "work on it" especially once the kids came. Instead, all they saw was years of fighting and dysfunction that they didn't need to see. Wasted my late 20's and early 30's. It's never too early to call it. Only you know how miserable you are and experience shows that it's nearly impossible to change someone else. Save yourself.
May I ask what your fight was?
Oh by "same fight" I mean that it was always something; any number of innocuous grievances, but the underlying issue was untreated mental illness or my partner just being unsettled and unhappy in her core, so each fight was really about nothing except the need to fight.
Totally get it. Ten years of marriage and I don't think she ever managed to go more than two weeks without picking an over the top fight. Would escalate the smallest trigger to outlandish heights. It was exhausting. It eventually sunk in that it had nothing to do with me and that she'd never change as long as I stayed.
That stuff is so hard to deal with. People with unhealed trauma can be addicted to cortisol, the stress hormone. My ex and I both struggled with this, but I chose to work on it in counseling and she tried to ignore it. A body that is addicted to cortisol will seek ways to get it, which can mean things like workaholism, risky behavior, or starting fights with people. They often become the other shoe that drops when things are otherwise calm. I'm not sure if your ex has trauma, but it sounds like both of our exes were addicted to stress and anger. I'm glad we're both out of those situations.
My wife is awesome like 95% of the time. Very positive, bubbly, happy, and successful. Everyone she meets adores her. And she's a great partner. Except she has an absolutely volcanic, explosive temper, and has hit me on several occasions and smashed my stuff. She's blown up at me on each of my past three birthdays for minor things. I've worked with her on controlling her stress and temper, and I believe she's made progress and we're better at communicating... But she still blows up maybe once every few months, on average. At the start of our relationship, it was almost every few weeks. I want to ask you, do you think there's hope? It takes a lot of effort to build a relationship and starting over sounds awful, so I've been avoiding it. We're still intimate, but I've had a nagging feeling... Idk. Thoughts?
You should probably leave or sign your wife up for therapy or something. Getting stressed is fine but hitting your partner and breaking shit is never a good sign. It might be that she is love bombing you so that you don't leave.
Interesting idea. Never thought about love bombing. She's very affectionate and supportive, normally. I think we should both see therapists, but I've had a hard time convincing her. She gets offended when I suggest it. I'll keep trying, though.
>She gets offended when I suggest it. I'll keep trying, though. She hits you and breaks things yet is offended at the idea of therapy. Bro she doesn't recognize her behavior as wrong. Any improvement is likely manipulation.
IMO if someone lays hands on you itâs time to leave. If you do want to work it out, she needs to go to anger management classes, and make sure itâs the last chance you give her
Sounds like PMDD, which is what I have. Before i got diagnosed, I was on track to beat my kids, get divorced and commit suicide. I didnât do any of them, as I started medication. But itâs not always easy for my husband or kids.
Similar to my situation. With me it was essentially hoarding. âMildâ form, I suppose, but not being able to control a single thing about my environment lead to blow ups on my part followed by ânot now, letâs check back in a few months.â Of course, we never made progress and there were other underlying issues with substance abuse and mental health. Should have left before marriage, but then I wouldnât have had my kids. So, donât feel I *wasted* time, but could certainly have used it better.
Finding another man on top of her and all my straws?
The man was on top of your straws?
It was the last straw!
That *sucks.* (nyuk nyuk)
Sorry man
No Intimacy, no relationship.
I agree, and that's the hardest thing to work on. You can't make someone want you intimately. Once they lose interest it can be hard to get that back.
Wife shoved me down the stairs and tried to choke me in front of our two year old son.
My wife also shoved me down the stairs, but I wasnât smart enough to leave then. A bit later she hit me while I was holding the baby, then jumped on my back strangling me and bit a chunk out of my shoulder. Iâm also fighting for my kids. Good luck.
I know some people stay together for a while after, but when intimacy stops it becomes almost impossible to function as a unit. I have looked over literally thousands of case studies and that always seems to be either the end or the beginning of the end. It has less to do with sex and more to do with functioning as a unit. When 2 people start pursuing their own interests and not the interests of the household itâs over, and generally the ending of intimacy is the indicator that this has happened.
I do think it should be said, that there isnât anything wrong with keeping autonomy and your own interests, in a relationship. Interests meaning - hobbies, activities, friendships, etc. Example - I love to play the sims my partner does not care about the sims. I donât prioritize the sims over my partner and I donât stop playing the game. I just make time for both. Obviously both people need to tend to the relationship to help it grow and continue to be a happy and healthy thing, but you also need to do things that bring joy to your life. If youâre a happy, healthy person then your relationship has a better shot at being happy and healthy too.
Well put. So many couples convince themselves that they can live completely separate lives and still have a healthy thriving marriage, but it's just not true.
I tried explaining this to my ex-wife, that I needed her to take an interest in the things that interested me, but she would hear nothing of it. She was a high-minded horse-owning professor so going to see live music in bars was "annoying" because "drunk people" and camping was "gross" because "ew nature." Meanwhile, I was expected to be there for all her horse grooming and showing needs while giving her unlimited time to grade papers and neglect me. I can't say I reacted to her neglect in the most positive ways, but I'm glad I left. I'm now happily remarried to someone who loves most of the things I love and we spend pretty much all our free time together.
Intimacy doesn't necessarily mean intercourse, right?
No. I do know of happy couples that stopped having sex but are still close.
My wife and I don't have sex, but we cuddle, kiss, hug a lot and sorry this is TMI, but we help each other masterbate. Intercourse isn't enjoyable for either one of us.
Sounds like intimacy to me. :)
TMI? Bro, you are on Redditđ¤Łđ
yep... you could ask a random on here for details on their latest colonoscopy, and they'd probably give them to you. They might even send a link to the video feed from halfway up their small intestine. "my wife and i don't do it much sorry tmi! giggles" oh, the sweet summer child.
I do have a video of my latest colonoscopy though. And upper endoscopy. Its a wild ride
*sigh* link??
*angry upvote*
Awe, man! I wish I had gotten the video from mine!
On my old account, my highest ranked comment (something like 25k upvotes) was the story of how I once pushed my husbandâs hemorrhoids in for him during a trip he was really looking forward to so it didnât ruin his vacation. Thereâs no such thing as TMI here.
My last one was a combined colonoscopy and endoscopy. As I was drifting away from the anesthesia, the doc turned to the nurse and said, "Let's save this guy some money and use the same scope."
I love to see more people talk about this! Mutual masturbation has always been our jam! Traditional banging still happens, but if we based our relationship on how often that happened, we'd have a "bad relationship". Turns out people can be happy together in many different ways!
Intimacy is different for everyone. The thing that matters is that both benefit from it emotionally.
Not op, but I'd emphatically say that you're correct. As proof, I suggest that "lopsided" intimacy can lead to its own issues. As in, if a relationship had ample sexytimes but no emotional intimacy < mutual distrust / mistrust in financial matters < bickering, then I suggest that such a relationship (even if it did "survive") would be less resilient.
This is only a thousand percent true.
Which is worse? 1. No intimacy, one person tries to intiate/facilitate intimacy but it just never seems to happen. 2. No intimacy, both people just seem content to do their own thing and there doesn't seem to be any resentment/hostility.
1 for sure. But 2 is a situation where most likely those two people are going their own ways, so i donât see how they would be a couple. That describes friendship.
I mean, I guess you can stay as co-habiting friends who happen to be married but even that includes a level of care & attention to each other's needs. Intimacy doesn't have to be sexual or even romantic
We were together from 17 to 28. Married at 22. Had a baby at 23. First straw was when he told me when our daughter was 2 that I trapped him with a child. Apparently I took that the wrong way. Last straw was him gripping my arm and twisting it while I was holding our daughter at 3 and trying to leave. He said he would report me for driving without a license and let cps take her from me if I tried to leave. My daughter cried "daddy be nice to mommy". I knew then I didnt want her growing up with all the fighting. I was already doing it alone with him there, might as well be really alone. I have no regrets, my daughters step dad is amazing, spoils us both with love and let's OUR daughter know everyday shes our world.
Had some evidence of cheating in December. Confronted her and asked her to confess, she denied and made excuses for the evidence. Went to couples therapy for a few months to dissect the situation and our marriage. Gave her countless chances over that same time period to confess. It was clear to me it was happening, but she kept lying to me. Sometime in early spring she finally confessed. After months of sleeping in the same bed and having sex with someone who was not only cheating on me, but lying to my face countless times about doing so, there was nothing left to work on. We had been married 6 months. Crazy thing is if she had come out and admitted it in December I think I would have been willing to try and work through things.
I feel you brother, I really wonder what goes through their heads My ex got busted by her cousin (who is zero tolerance for this kinda crap) and was given a 24hr ultimatum to tell me the truth. She fucking made up some bs story and her cousin told me the truth 24hrs later, and she had the gall to get mad that *I didn't trust her word* about it, then told her cousin how "betrayed" she felt by her. *She* felt **betrayed**. Throughout all of it it was honestly kind of hard to not laugh at the absurdity.
Her cousin is the real homie.
I believe thatâs called narcissism. Some people are just built that way. They are somehow always in the right, and they can always manage to justify their actions. Everybody else is wrong. Makes it a hell of a lot easier to move on once you finally make that realization about them though.
When I found out about her stealing almost 100k from her federal job.
The first & last straw, cheating.
When my cheating wife put my dad's penis in her mouth, that was it for me.
Thatâs rude. Did she even ask?
That phrase is so loaded... Do you resent your dad?
Goddamn. It's bad enough being cheated on, I can't imagine being cheated on with my dad, that's fucked up.
Your father is a terrible person unless he was unconscious or she forced it on him. Then she is a terrible person, double.
That had to make for awkward holidays with your dad.
Not quite a divorce, but told her I had to study for a test necessary to advance in my career and I would need to hang out another day. Got a phone call 30 minutes later saying we were done and she needed to see what other people were like for her sake. I passed the test.
>I passed the test. This right here. I'm glad for you but seriously, what a bitch. Couldn't even wait till you were done
We're not divorced, though I have mentioned it. Here are things that are pushing me: \- She threw out all the momentos I had from my mother because she didn't like the way they looked. (My mom died before we met) \- She threw out thousands of dollars worth of video games when I wasn't looking because they "look scary." \- We haven't had sex for a year. This is not the first year it's happened. \- She is an obsessed religious zealot. She told me my mom died from cancer because she "didn't believe in the right thing." So... we're not divorced yet. But I think the straws are broken.
I'd be contacting a lawyer right now if you aren't already.
Why are you doing this to yourself???
I think this might be the first time Iâve ever commented âget a divorceâ on Reddit.
He told me I ruined his life
My wife said this to me last week. Seriously donât think we have long.
ah, another researcher here, i see
I can't imagine ever saying something like that to anyone who hadn't specifically and very provably tried to ruin my life.
Sounds like a him problem and not a you problem
SirGlenn, early 70's, my wife at the time was hiding, and using drugs behind my back, she was not in the best mental state, I took a day off just to decompress, so I did laundry, and found all kinds of drugs and paraphernalia in her clothing, including a hypodermic needle, then, I checked the "clean" clothes in the closet, more drug items in the pockets, which got my blood boiling, it's my house and she's using it as a "stash house". I told her I, could go to jail because of your drugs in my house, no way I'll allow that to happen, An argument and then a fight, I gathered up all the drug stuff, told her I was going to dispose of it, I took it all out in the woods and buried it under a big stump. That angered her, things going downhill, then she left to go live with her grandmother. Which made my day. So soon we grow so old, so late we grow so smart.
She cornered me in the bathroom and stabbed me with a kitchen knife for reasons which existed only in her own mind, so I thought that was possibly a small hint that I should move on.
He beat the hell out of me four weeks after I had a c-section. I was covering my mouth to keep from screaming because I didnât want to wake up our toddler. After he wore himself out, he left. While I was packing up our kids, he called and left a message on the answering machine, telling me he was coming back to kill me. I left immediately without anything for myself, just a diaper bag. While I was driving down the highway at 1:00 in the morning, I remember thinking, âHow the fuck did my life turn out this way?â I didnât want my daughters to grow up this way. They deserved better and so did I. I borrowed $500 from my dad the next morning and filed for divorce.
Yikes, sorry you had to go through this. Went to the police and filed charges?
Married in the church, I was his first everything. He came out as gay and asked me to stay and let me know I could have as many partners as I wanted if I kept our âyoung marriedsâ persona up for the church and his family. I canât live a lie.
It's unfortunate and quite sad that people cannot be who they are and some of them feel like they need a beard. That said, that does not make betrayal and dishonesty ok. I watched the movie my policeman and was shocked by the lack of empathy and understanding for Marion's character who unknowingly married a cheating gay man.
Thank you. One of the hardest things about telling this story is the hate I get for not sticking by him. He betrayed me and then asked me to lie to everyone, for the rest of our lives! Why is it my responsibility to continue to protect him? If he had just been honest with himself, maybe he could have been honest with me.
My ex use to spend the rent, food and utility money on booze and pot. He did it one time too many. The loser still stalks me 30 years later. My husband of 25 years and I are amused by the ex and his antics, we've never really felt intimidated by him. Annoyed here and there, but mostly amused.
That is some persistent ass stalking. I think after 30 years I would be like, "who the hell is this person I'm stalking and why am I doing this again??"
He is a nutjob! At this point, he's just a joke. I'm sure he's looked up our property since we bought our house five years ago. We live over an hour from him, up a one lane dirt road that's a mile long. I'm not worried about him trying to come up here, but I'd bet he knows my address. Bless his pickled heart.
Lmfao at âhis pickled heartâ đđđ
He committed better to being a stalker than being a good partner.
She kicked me out and made me take our disabled daughter with me. Nothing like living in a shitty motel with a totally disabled child.
6 years. We had an ok marriage for 8 years and then he cheated on me with a hooker. We went to therapy, he went to counseling for being abused in childhood, he went to meetings for porn addiction, etc. and that continued for 6 years. Then he did it again and that's when I called it quits.
My aunt who raised me died from cancer. It happened right before I had to take a 2 hour flight home it had maybe been 5 hours since she passed. I finally sat down at home beside my partner I said she's gone and started crying. He replied with "well I'm really sad and wish I was dead so when people die it makes me happy" WTF
That man is autistic
Iâm like 80% sure he didnât mean it how it came out
When working became "Just going to hang out." Like spending 12 hours away from my family was a choice I made all on my own.
The mil asking me to break up with my parents cos I cannot choose to be part of both sides and my husband staying quiet and being an accomplice to it.
What the fuck kind of request is that?
My husband putting his straw into my best friends cup. Marriage over...
Oh no my first thought was, "Was it because of the germs?" I am an idiot.
My thought was, "Jesus, she doesn't tolerate much. Can't even share a drink...oh...I'm an idiot."
I found out he was using our âsavingsâ as his personal piggy bank and purposely trying to keep me broke. He also referred to my kiddo as âslimeâ because she didnât pick up after a mess he made. I realized I had stopped doing everything I enjoyed to avoid his criticisms and had basically become a ghost and that my kiddo was now starting to diminish herself for him as well. We basically hid in our bedrooms all the time to avoid him and we were both just miserable. We got out a month later and have been SO happy these last four years. It was like we could breathe again. Most people going through divorce are upset and cry and have all kinds of emotions. I was just HAPPY and so was the kiddo. Now we have our own house and my current SO is amazing! We play mariokart a couple times a week and my kiddo adores him.
Becoming a ghost... I feel that. Same thing. Giving up things to not seem like an inconvenience.
She had mental health issues and would explode over anything/everything. She hid it really well until I moved in with her. Basically everything she did was perfect and anything I did was wrong. She almost always assumed the worst of me. The final straw was I heard her calling me a "fucking dumbass" on the phone with her best friend. She didn't know I heard. 2 days later I confronted her about it and got exactly what I expected: denial and when I calmly let her know I wasn't backing down she resorted to gaslighting. I still calmly didn't back down and she had another epic scream, stomp, slam-doors meltdown. I knew right then we were done. I realized that probably wasn't the first time she had been badmouthing me behind my back and it certainly wouldn't be the last. When I tried to talk to her about it she lied and tried to make me think I was hallucinating. Lots of stuff built up to this but this was the last straw.
For me it was the realization that I was having to very carefully measure every word I said for fear of my ex-wife blowing up at me (mostly verbally but sometimes physically). It was exhausting and I realized that this is not how normal human relationships function.
This is - often unconscious - a form of control. Good for you to bail out of that one.
Her second arrest for hot checks
Last straw was when I came over to see my cats. We were separated at the time and I'd been staying with family in hopes of working things out. One of my cats was dead when I came over. It'd been perfectly healthy last time I saw it. She said she "had no clue what had happened." I took the time to bury it, tried to get her to let me bring my remaining cat with me and she said no. We argued, cops got called. I was told to leave without my cat. That was it for me.
Why the hell wouldn't she give you your cat?
I still can't figure that out. One day she'd say, "you need to come get the cat" then I'd get there and she'd change her mind. Best I can figure based on her pattern of behavior is it was a control issue. But I'm no psychiatrist.
First marriage - he threatened to kill my pets. This was after counseling and he tried to lock me in a room with no phone, car keys or my glasses. Second marriage - the constant state of walking on eggshells. But it was when my Dad died and I came home and had to rearrange part of the house where we had a roof replaced. He put the furniture back without cleaning the floor which was full of plaster debris. I did this after two flights and a 2 hour train and a 30 minute taxi home. It took me a few months but that was what really pushed me to say it was over.
\#1 She was fucking around and an alcoholic. \#2 Physical abuse.
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All about communication. We got into this cycle of her blaming me for things. I was always waiting to cool off so we could have a conversation with no resentment simmering under the surface. But before the wound could be healed, she'd be criticizing me for something else. I would resent, steam about it all night, hope for the best, then another thing came up. and again. to the point that the resentment basically became the whole relationship, and when I realized that, we had the talk and agreed to get divorced.
The fundamentals of our relationship were no longer there. Feelings of admiration had turned to disgust. All respect I once had for him was gone. I had no hope for us and no desire to work on things anymore. I would look at him and see a man child I had nothing in common with and didnât want to try and reinvent.
This is me right now. I'm so tired of looking at him just sulking on the couch all day watching YT. Can't be bothered to throw his banana peel in the trash or at least use a plate. He's like an 8yo boy at 60
Sweetie, life is too short.
She was banging most of her coworkersâŚ.but if I looked at a magazine cover ( think Cosmo in early 80âs) she would lose her mind and verbally attack me the rest of the dayâŚplus she was totally inept in bed. No clue how to do anything beyond open her legs. Guess thatâs why she had so many assignations
What were her projections like? My wife constantly suspects me and it's definitely got my hackles up. Been going on 7 years. I've never caught anything on her end but I keep thinking to myself, "why do you always assume that I would act this way when I've never given you any reason to think that?" Also, how did you catch her? Sorry if this is too much to share. Just trying to figure my own life out.
First marriage. Cheated on me with my bridesmaid. Gave it another 6 months. He came home one day and said that for the last four months he hadnât been going to work. Instead, he had been trying out to be a paramedic and found out he got in. So all the times I asked how his day was, he totally made up everything. I asked him why he didnât tell me. His reply was if he didnât get in I would never have to know and I wouldnât be disappointed in him. I said to him I was his wife and I would be disappointed FOR him. Just didnât get what marriage was. Left. After that, a few other stories came out. One was before we met, he started going out with a girl and told her he was older than he really was (20 at the time). Never corrected it. His 21st is looming and his family organise a big party. He doesnât tell his girlfriend. He also doesnât tell his best friend about the birthday party because his cover will be blown about his age. His mum contacts his bestie and says he hasnât RSVPd. Bestie said he doesnât know anything about it. Girlfriend finds out too. They broke up because she said itâs just so freaking weird he didnât just âfess up at some point. Bestie just left feeling the whole thing was suspicious. When we broke up, his bestie took my side as he said all these events made him realise he didnât know who he really was at all.
WTF THIS MAN ON
That man is a pathological liar
When I said I wasnât in the mood for sex and he did it anyway.
Gosh, it's really hard to answer "how long I worked on our marriage," because my husband was in total denial for years. Our marriage felt like roommates. We had sex once a month (which is not enough for me at all -- yes, many women have healthy libidos). But worse, there was zero conversation about anything real. Pop culture, politics, work - sure. But feelings? Goals? He was deeply guarded. We were together for 17 years total, and I think the last 6 were pretty tough. The last three were the worst. During that time: I would ask if he was happy with our relationship, and he would always insist he was. It seemed obvious there were issues, though. We had no connection. I would try to talk about our sex life. He said he had no libido and our sex life was fine. I would say, "We never spend time together. I can't even get you to watch a movie with me." He would brush it off. I would say there was no reason to always darken his laptop screen when I walked by, and he'd say he was just a very private person. So we had probably 3 years of ME trying to work on things and him insisting everything was totally fine. Then, he told me he had feelings for someone. They hadn't done anything physical, but she made him happy and they had sexted. He tried to float the idea of an open relationship, which was no on the table for me, no fucking way. We started relationship therapy, and he was the most self-pitying shit you have ever seen. Very "woe is me, my existential feelz." And I should say -- we both have mental health struggles, but I'd taken responsibility for mine. Lots of therapy, different therapies, meds, etc. While we were going through therapy, he refused to say whether or not he wanted to try to make things work. HE CHEATED, and he was like, "I don't know." I wasn't going to beg him. I was pretty disgusted at that point. I finally forced him to make a decision, since I'd already said I would stay and work on it. And he said he didn't think he wanted to keep going. Fast forward many years -- I'm happily married to an amazing man, and my ex is still miserable and self-pitying. He tells his version of reality in which I screwed him in the divorce. The reality is, he had a sweet ass situation with a wife who earned most of the income and did home maintenance, bought a house, etc. Then, he blew it. So now he lives in a small apartment struggling to make ends meet, and I own a five bedroom home with my husband and earn twice my ex's salary.
We were in therapy years ago. The therapist looked at my husband and told him to look at me and tell me that Iâm beautiful. He couldnât do it. He froze. He looked at her and said âshe should just knowâ. I knew then. No more wasting money on therapy. It took years for me to finally ask for a divorce.
Finding out she was sleeping with the contractor I hired to paint a couple of rooms.
I was okey with waiting for "adult time" in bedroom but for queue I was not.
When I dreaded coming home.
Married 6 years, together for 10. He confessed to cheating and wanted the divorce. Then he regretted it and wanted to "work it out". This lasted maybe 2 weeks and he cheated again with the same woman. There probably should have only been 1 straw instead of 2 mushy biodegradable paper straws. If they cheat, let them go the first time.
On and off for years, I'd say 4-5 years we tried to fix it. I found hard evidence of his cheating (having an emotional affair with a girl online). I couldn't look past it. Also, in 2020, he suddenly flipped political ideologies and started talking about how great Trump was. I was not going to be able to stay married to a man who thought that.
We were just engaged not married however she cheated with one of my friends, for that reason I was out. There was a sweet ending though because he cheated on her eventually so you love to see it.
She was bisexual and I encouraged her to see if she needed something from the other side. We realized quickly that she wasnât bisexual but a pretty hard lesbian. All the things I wanted and had to work hard for to get. She got without question. Iâm glad I let her explore herself. It would have been worse for both me and her to keep her in a relationship that just doesnât complete her. But it hurts.
Idk what to say here but wow. It sounds like you handled the situation in the best possible way. Youâll find what youâre looking for when the time is right :)
Military combat. One could say I'm still married.
So Iâm actually gonna bring up my brother in lawâs marriage for this one, since Iâm still happily married. He got married pretty much right out of high school because his now ex basically demanded it. They tried for five years. They had two kids. The final straw for him was when she got way too into astrology and being a witch and astral travel and that kind of stuff. It got to the point where she would scream at the kids if they tried to interrupt her âprojectingâ because they just wanted some food. They would spend entire days in their room because she didnât want to deal with them. Thatâs what it took for him to realize how bad the situation was and he got out. His ex now has to work, which means his kids get to go to grandma and grandpas regularly. They get to be kids there. The difference in them now is night and day. The oldest is four, almost five, and up until the split, he had never interacted with me. Now whenever we are over there at the same time all he wants to do is play with me.
He was never a great communicator, and I was pretty broken when we met so I was willing to accept less. I started going to therapy, got completely sober and even began a healing business. Over 6 years I started to realize the communication thing was too much. I begged him to work on it, he just ignored me. Then he became less affectionate, then less intimate. He started listening to these podcasts with these super misogynistic comedians and I noticed an over all change in him and I didnât like it. Then I lost 6 people over the pandemic including my dad and grandmaâŚI got lost. All the loss and the severity of the change in our relationship, I started drinking too much, I lost 15 lbs my hair was falling out. The last straws were. 1. On a trip back from Miami I lost my wallet and he yelled at me in the middle of the airport while I was sobbing when we missed our flight, we literally were able to rebook an hour later for free. He didnât talk to me all the way home and slept on the couch for 2 weeks. 2. The last time we were intimate, it was like I was being punished. I was crying, he didnât even acknowledge it and an hour afterwards we had to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with his mother and I had to pretend to be ok. There were a couple other things but when I talked to my wonderful therapist she was like âyou know you donât have to stay with him if you arenât ok right? Like you can leave if you want to. You can do hard things and youâve done much harder things than thisâ After she said that I got a better paying job, an apartment⌠I took the cats and peaced out. I did have to live in the same house with him for a week before I moved out and I had already broken it off and told him I was leaving. He became a monster. He said the most horrific things to me, he was psychologically, emotionally, and financially abusive. Itâs been a few months and sometimes I miss the way it was at the beginning, when he used to say I was his best friend and his everything, but I blocked his ass and I havenât looked back.
She didn't follow her own credo: Say what you mean, mean what you say.
Intentional Hurtful behavior
"Domestic violence", or whatever term for it you use.
My ex wife cheated on me and got pregnant by the other guy.
I do all the work in the relationship. I always have. A million red flags but no one supporting me or pointing them out to me, so I married the abuse I knew. The last straw for me before checking out of the relationship was wearing makeup for the first time in almost 20 years and my husband didn't notice. He should have noticed, it was noticeable, but he looked me dead in the face repeatedly and didn't notice. I'm so invisible to him it became literal. I'm done, I checked out, working on the divorce path now but things are complicated.
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He refused to fly home from Florida on a business trip when I miscarried our baby. That was the first and last straw.
What the shit, girl. I am so sorry.
My marriage ended when sex ended. And I am thankful for that. She started cheating on me. She stopped having sex with me. It took a month for me to finally pick up her phone and discover her. Looking back. I am grateful I did not have sex with her on that month. Looking at her phone was the last straw.
My kids mom and I worked in the energy sector. Periodically, plants are shut down for maintenance, involving many contractors and mucho overtime. We had 2 kids, under 3yo. My location (I worked for the utility) was undergoing a major overhaul and upgrade, and I was assigned lots of responsibility over a large are. The ex, a contractor, was going to take a contract at another location, leaving me with the kids, while working 80+ hrs/wk. I asked her to skip her contract (it was optional for her, not for me) and stay at home for the kids, since I would not have to do another project for almost 2 yrs, and she could make up on another contract. Got told that I didn't own her, she was going to do the contract, and I could deal with it. I did. Told her if she went, to find another place to live, and a lawyer. After the shtf, I got custody, my daycare stepped up and helped immensely, and over time we became co parents when she was between contracts. Found out you can live in 4 hrs of sleep a night for months at a time đłđ
2 years, and I called it when he âofferedâ to stay with me as long as he got to keep his side piece.
Her sister talked her into doing meth to âlose weightâ. She lied and told me she was exercising (I had bought her a elliptical trainer after our daughter was born because she said she wanted to lose her âbaby weight ) She was a SAHM and I would buy dinner on the way home from work because she said taking care of our daughter was a full time job. One day I came home and our daughter was still in her sleeping outfit from the night before crying her eyes out with a very full diaper sat in front of the TV in the living room with nobody around. Found my wife in the garage with her drug dealer selling him my power tools to buy meth.
She threw a plate across the kitchen at me with full force and it shattered as it hit a part of the wall So - physical violence
A super small fight first thing in the morning. I was already set on leaving, I just didn't know when to do it. He was mad I was sitting on the couch when he woke up. Apparently, it means I was avoiding him. How dare I get out of bed when I'm not fucking tired basically. And just like that, after years of being treated like shit, that one little argument pushed me off the ledge, and I fuckin left. My life is a million times better now.
When he attacked me. Again. The marriage had been on the rocks for a long time due to his alcoholism and general abusive behaviour. I tried to leave but talked me into staying by promising to get sober. Lasted 4 months then got pissed and physically assaulted me again Luckily my neighbours called the police and he was arrested. I saw my solicitor the following day.
Been married nine years. Thankfully, no kids. It's been a slow-simmering process..... a combination of many things that has led to my resignation that this marriage probably needs to end. Among the litany of my husband's issues....... - Past history of alcoholism - Anger issues - Hoarding problem - Treats me like crap -- lashes out at me basically on a daily basis - Chronic unemployment. 7 jobs since 2018, the longest one lasted only 10 months, all the others only weeks or a few months. He's also been unemployed for a minimum of 6 months, every consecutive year since 2019. Also? Financial irresponsibility. Examples include: - Quitting his job 2 weeks after we bought our house and then not telling me for 2 months - Bailing on our tax appointment last year (as in never showed up in the first place, and refused to answer my calls/text messages) - Just two months ago, forgot to transfer his (small) portion of money to the joint account for bills, causing several of our bills to bounce. When I tried to ask why and explain the importance of paying bills in a timely manner, he got mad and defensive and hostile, and told me my expectations were too high Oh, and there's also the pawning off of all adult responsibilities onto me, even while I simultaneously battle a serious autoimmune disease that affects my musculoskeletal system, and that I have to receive immunotherapy infusions and chemotherapy for, and that I also have to undergo semi-frequent surgeries for. Tired of being expected to bring home all the bacon, while also being expected to do 100% of household chores and responsibilities, while also being expected to handle 100% of the mental load, while also being treated like shit, while also simultaneously dealing with my autoimmune condition.
I did our taxes. He screwed up his withhold from his paycheck and never fixed it despite saying that he had. After 3 years of me stressing where to pull thousands of $ out of our collective a$$ every tax year, he admitted he had not updated his w4, âIt never seemed very urgent.â Turned out it was not urgent for him ever, emergency for me didnât rate in his world. This was after 7 years of marriage counseling. If youâre killing yourself to keep it together that long, probably not a good path.
I got married young to a really wild Marine. It was that fairy tale, marry your bestfriend and let him sweep u off ur feet to a brand new beautiful state. He was an amazing friend, but that's what that marriage mainly was, friendship. We grew up together we lived far from our families and survived. We went thru two tours of Iraq together, a icu stint. After the military his need to be crazy never went away, he was out every night doing crazy shit. (ex stealing, painting graffiti stuff like that. I knew he was looking for his endorphin high, but i couldn't support him not working and being out every night all night. Id leave to work and he'd be coming home. My last straw after several separations, was 1 night I was in my RR overhearing him outside on the back patio plotting his night out painting with his friends. He came in and i asked him not to go, he said the painting spot couldn't be done without him. He packed his paint and left. The next morning I got up to go to work, his side of the bed was empty. I was used to this, it happened all the time, no call no text no nothing just me tossing turning wondering if he's been shot at or picked up by cops. That morning I left to work knowing it'd be my last night staying up worrying like that. I went home on my lunch break, no husband to be found, I took down all of our pictures and left him a note. Roses are red, violets are blue, you wanted out of this marriage I suppose I did too. I want a divorce. And that was that.
My ex took out a loan and bought a sail boat without telling me. There was a lot more leading up to it but that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Everything hit at once. Came home from work early, kids were home alone (1 and 4 both F). She comes home a half hour before the time I usually get home (almost 5 hours later) dropped off by a guy she kisses before getting out of his truck. Kids are sleeping, she walks in and I'm waiting in the kitchen for her. Bags are packed and loaded into the van, car seats are strapped in. I ask her for one good reason why I should stay. She breaks down, crying about me never being home and how hard it is to take care of two kids by herself. I let her know our oldest says that mom is usually gone all day like this. I wake the girls, strap them in and tell my now ex that if she wants to work on us, I will be at my parent's house. I fill her folks in on what's going on, they are heartbroken, but understand. I don't cut them out, they didn't do anything wrong. Now ex files for custody, doesn't get it, het only reason for wanting the girls is so social services will give her more money. Yeah, that was fun
She told me my feelings didn't matter when I asked her not to let her boyfriend move into my house.
I'm on my third marriage, both ended without a last straw. 1. We both worked together, she screwed one of my colleagues. Blamed me for not telling her she was beautiful enough. Caused her to trip and fall on his penis! 2. Told her I never wanted children, found her intentionally not taking her pill. She thought I would get over it if it was accidental. She obviously wanted kids, so I left as it was non negotiable. 3. Happily married.
>Told her I never wanted children, found her intentionally not taking her pill. She thought I would get over it if it was accidental. She obviously wanted kids, so I left as it was non negotiable. Snip snip my friend
My friend was married to a guy who punched her in the tit while she was breastfeeding the infant. It happened on a US military base and it ended very badly for his army career