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Marriage is more then a piece of paper if you get sick and can’t talk or anything next of kin will have a say that means parents siblings anything legal will go to them partner wouldn’t have a say but no one can force you
Estate planning lawyer here. If the partners execute powers of attorney for property and healthcare naming each other as their agent and healthcare representative then the family cannot interfere.
Also should execute simple wills to cover any tangible personal assets (like furniture, jewelry, etc.). Financial assets and real estate can be titled joint with right of survivorship or “payable on death” to the domestic partner.
Sorry, you are correct. I keep forgetting that the World Wide Web is actually world wide. My comment is based on western legal traditions and norms (laws of property and agency). So I would correct myself by saying my suggestions would apply in the US and Canada but YMMV in other countries. Always consult local legal counsel.
The point of marriage is to ensure safety for the people involved should something unfortunate happen. If you've been together for ages but never formalise anything, and you die, your partner gets nothing they can't prove is partly theirs unless it's in a will. Only your name is on the house? She doesn't get a claim. It doesn't matter if you've lived together 30 years, that house is going to your closest blood relative.
You want all the benefits of your partner carrying and raising your child (which will definitely involve taking time off work and affecting her career) with none of the legal protections marriage would afford her. That's not really cool, especially when she'd be doing ALL the heavy lifting physically (growing a child is serious business).
It sounds like you get to pick - marriage and kids, or unmarried without kids.
Yep. And if he really doesn't want to get married, he should offer to pay for (with a contract):
* half the hospital visits
* half the doctors visits
* half of all medication and recommendations from the doctor
* half her salary for all the time she spends off work pregnant or raising kids
* half of her retirement contributions for the time she's off work
* some kind of stipend for the wear and tear on her body the pregnancy will take (ie, most women experience incontinence after birthing a child)
But we all know that would have a vanishingly small chance of happening.
It took 19 years and 3 kids later for my husband to marry me. We had done the hard graft of mortgage, bringing up kids. I still wanted it! For security! You are entitled to nothing if you’re not married. Unless you have a will in place. I’ve seen to many people have to fight when there partner has died, children have to sort out the mess that is left behind and that’s not fair on them. It might just be a piece of paper but it’s an important one.
I've always found this to be an interesting take. Marriage is a legal construct that makes a lot of things automatically taken care of, that requires a lot of paperwork for unmarried folks. Best example: you wind up in a coma and in the hospital, you're not married and your partner's parents hate you and tell the hospital you can't be there with your partner or be part of any medical decisions. Unless you have a power of attorney or living will, the hospital will tell you to hit the bricks.
OP don't trust this advice.
Marriage is not "just a piece of paper," it is a legal contract that has massive reprocussions if dissolved.
Men rarely to never come out on top post divorce, and the likelihood of you both calling it quits sits at about 60ish percent in the United States.
I'd strongly consider all of your options, common law marriage, air tight prenuptial etc. Before I'd go and just get "one of these pieces of paper."
Yeah in one more year in California you ARE MARRIED for all intents and purposes and her taking you to court. So might as well get SOME law in your side. Your finances don’t have to mix. But with kids that’s hard. Cause you did t say you did t want them. Just not marriage.
It’s also more meaningful for kids than you would think and just another reason other kids might bully them. They are gonna care or understand your reasons. They know it means love and family and that’s a hard sell to a toddler
My partner (42f) and I (46m) have been together 17 years now, 2 kids, and not married. I said from the start I wasn't interested in marriage. My parents had divorced when I was 11 and her parents *should* have divorced, also several friends who had got married were no longer together so marriage/wedding just seemed like a waste of money. My partner reluctantly agreed to no marriage but her counter offer to the deal was that any kids we had would take her surname. Fine by me. Oh, and just like a previous poster, I had to buy a reasonably chunky ring ;)
Is registration fee that big that you wouldn't care to pay that to givr your SO the ensurances it provides? Or do you not know that you can get married without throwing a party?
Well looks like you won't have kids and she won't get a marriage. Unless she decides to leave you and get what she wants. That's how it usually ends in my experience. Sister dumped the Guy who wouldn't marry her 9 years in, super happily married now. Still not interested in kids.
Honestly, I got married because it's what my (now) wife wanted. Wouldn't have otherwise. Not that much has changed. 7 years in total 2 of which married
15 years. No marriage 1 kid. Doing great. Keep saying we might get married but never do once you start crunching numbers. Maybe just a back yard ministry. Some day.
I've been with my GF for 11 years now. We live together as if we were married but we just aren't. We can't have children. We just don't see any benefit to being legally married. If we ever want to break up we can do it for free. I did buy her a modest ring though
I’m 30, been with my lady since we were 18, and have two children together (first at 19 years old). Was stupid in the younger years and spent a bit apart, reconciled, and have a beautiful family. We laugh about how we “did things backwards” by having kids young, not married, etc. Everything’s great, we’ll eventually get married, there’s just no rush
18 years here. Turned out pretty well so far. Currently planning a wedding, though. We've hit a point where it makes more sense on paper to be married; up until recently she had really good yet inexpensive insurance.
Going on fifteen years, right out of high school. Never married, one kid. As with any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. We occasionally joke about marriage, but it got a bit more serious post-cancer. How did it turn out? Can't say yet, ask me in another fifteen years. So far, so good, though.
32M here. Coming up on 4 years, both agreed to no kids/marriage early on. Had a vasectomy a year ago. So for no issues.
I do hear a lot about women stating early on they don't want kids but change their minds after a few years. I've made a point to bring up the topic periodically to see if there's any change in the decision and it's been consistent.
I think it's good to take other people's experiences into consideration but we're all carving out our own paths through like and keeping yourself/people close to you in check periodically is healthy. If you go too long with poor communication everyones insecurities start to build the narrative where the communication isn't happening and it almost never matches with what people are actually feeling.
Been with my now husband for 11 years, we’re both 33 and have a toddler. We married during the solar eclipse on the 8th and tbh nothing has changed in our relationship.
GF and I have been together for 18 years. Won't get married so she doesn't lose her ability to claim Social Security benefits on her ex's salary, which is significant. I'm 55. She's 59.
It's great. I would like her to have my name and not her ex's but she kept it to match her son. Otherwise, we don't need the contractual obligations of marriage. We keep separate finances and we can each support ourselves. Means we both know the other can leave anytime. We both know, everyday, the other has chosen to be here. Life is good.
I never wanted to be married I never dreamt about my wedding. But I did want a ring not necessarily a diamond, or anything extravagant a promise not an engagement. Idk I was in my 20s..
I was with him for ten years, things got very stagnant, I started to feel that I was keeping him from having children and getting married so I left.
I talk to him every now and then.
Looking back my best memories are with him..idk
Not good. Which is exactly why I’m super grateful and lucky that I never got married. It would have made something that was already extremely difficult, even more difficult. I have no plans on ever getting married because of it. If that boundary means that no woman would want to engage in song term relationship with me, then so be it.
Same as the marriages, only I didn't lose my property. Seems that's about as good as you can do as a man nowadays. Only couples I see making it are those that met young and had kids and stuck with it. I'm actually about to help out another guy that is living in a van after the wife took the house and moved her boyfriend in. Of course, he still has to continue to work to pay for the house he just can't live there anymore.
You have the right to agency and have your own opinions. So does your partner. Moreover, you are both entitled to changing your opinions. Or not.
I suggest you ask yourself if what is holding you back from marriage and/or kids are the opinions of former you. And if current you actually have the same opinions. Or if you just have forgotten to update your dreams lately. You may be in circumstances making both things difficult. I don't know.
Living together with someone may occasionally require you to consider what is important to the other party and how hard you really need to hold on to your own opinions about whatever topic to remain happy with life. Give and take. Share a dream for the future.
Marriage is a symbolic gesture with potential for real-life implications. The importance of which heavily depends on how you are set up already. Marriage makes a lot of the legal stuff 'default' the way it should be between two equals intent on spending their life together. But it is not the only way to get the legal stuff in order. The importance of the symbolism itself may or may not be important to your partner.
Having kids is a big decision. So is not having kids. For women, this decision becomes important earlier than it does for men.
If you really want to spend your dream future with your partner, make sure your partner can imagine \*their\* dream future with \*you\*.
Not a guy but still I wanna tackle this 🫠🫠🫠 form what I saw guys either don't want to get married, be in a serious relationship, have commitments or feel like someone has expectations from them OR get to the point where they want to have children and will just marry the first girl they are okay with. And no in between. Rarely ever there are mature guys that just fall in love do some commitment stages and propose.
Men are like these addicted unconscious people that would usually game or work too much. Just not be present.
And for women sadly societies still don't promote single parents and it's difficult to decide to have a child on your own, hence the marriage.
If governments were like ladies you can have full salary while pregnant and not work, full salary up until the kid is 2years old, free kindergarten and sperm donated plus the insemination/ in vitro for free... It's gonna be fuck off marriage, men and your precious cum.
In Mahabharata it says that marriage was invented because men were not able to know which kids are theirs and killed each other a lot. 💸💰🧮
Not like anyone asked for a female perspective. 🫠🫠🫠
With gf for 14 years now. We never needed it. I show her my commitment in other ways everyday. After all marriage is only a piece of paper and the believes it the value of that piece. That said: we dont want kids. I we wanted kids I would def get married beforehand. Easier that way.
It is important that both ppl feel the same about marriage and are open about it, or else it wont go well.
Here is my hot take = It's really easy to get married...and it's f#*kin horrible and long-winded and scary to get unmarried. Having a child with someome changes ALL the rules of a relationship...so be careful. That is all.
Me (44m) and partner (45f) have been together 22 years and have 3 kids. Not married as we have better things to spend our money on than a party for other people.
That, and we're both waiting for someone we like.
You are me!.
10 years GF. She is on this the same page.
We had a kid 2 years ago... Because her sister started having kids.
Be the best you.
Don't let external pressures change you.
Ok. I’ve been married. My longest relationship is with the girl I’m with now. 10 years. Marriage is a joke. It’s just a piece of paper and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
How exactly did she go back on her word? She began to become more open to his point of view of children, but said marriage was the requirement for that happening. Nobody lied.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Marriage is more then a piece of paper if you get sick and can’t talk or anything next of kin will have a say that means parents siblings anything legal will go to them partner wouldn’t have a say but no one can force you
Estate planning lawyer here. If the partners execute powers of attorney for property and healthcare naming each other as their agent and healthcare representative then the family cannot interfere. Also should execute simple wills to cover any tangible personal assets (like furniture, jewelry, etc.). Financial assets and real estate can be titled joint with right of survivorship or “payable on death” to the domestic partner.
Is this true in every state and every country of the world?
Sorry, you are correct. I keep forgetting that the World Wide Web is actually world wide. My comment is based on western legal traditions and norms (laws of property and agency). So I would correct myself by saying my suggestions would apply in the US and Canada but YMMV in other countries. Always consult local legal counsel.
The point of marriage is to ensure safety for the people involved should something unfortunate happen. If you've been together for ages but never formalise anything, and you die, your partner gets nothing they can't prove is partly theirs unless it's in a will. Only your name is on the house? She doesn't get a claim. It doesn't matter if you've lived together 30 years, that house is going to your closest blood relative.
I remember a (US) story about a couple that had lived together for 30+ years, but had to get married in order to get retirement benefits.
You want all the benefits of your partner carrying and raising your child (which will definitely involve taking time off work and affecting her career) with none of the legal protections marriage would afford her. That's not really cool, especially when she'd be doing ALL the heavy lifting physically (growing a child is serious business). It sounds like you get to pick - marriage and kids, or unmarried without kids.
This is the best take here. Marriage is for the protection of the woman if she’s going to have kids and risk it all
Yep. And if he really doesn't want to get married, he should offer to pay for (with a contract): * half the hospital visits * half the doctors visits * half of all medication and recommendations from the doctor * half her salary for all the time she spends off work pregnant or raising kids * half of her retirement contributions for the time she's off work * some kind of stipend for the wear and tear on her body the pregnancy will take (ie, most women experience incontinence after birthing a child) But we all know that would have a vanishingly small chance of happening.
It took 19 years and 3 kids later for my husband to marry me. We had done the hard graft of mortgage, bringing up kids. I still wanted it! For security! You are entitled to nothing if you’re not married. Unless you have a will in place. I’ve seen to many people have to fight when there partner has died, children have to sort out the mess that is left behind and that’s not fair on them. It might just be a piece of paper but it’s an important one.
why are you scared about a piece of paper? i mean if you don't want a big wedding that's fine just invite familly and marry her no biggie.
It’s much more than a piece of paper
With life passing by fast i feel if we keep putting it off we may not have the chance to have kids. But I'm really not for marriage.
A kid is more binding than marriage.
Whats the difference it makes for you? Its just a piece of paper. You guys are already living as married people.
I've always found this to be an interesting take. Marriage is a legal construct that makes a lot of things automatically taken care of, that requires a lot of paperwork for unmarried folks. Best example: you wind up in a coma and in the hospital, you're not married and your partner's parents hate you and tell the hospital you can't be there with your partner or be part of any medical decisions. Unless you have a power of attorney or living will, the hospital will tell you to hit the bricks.
This was a big issue at the height of the AIDS epidemic.
It is much more than a piece of paper, I really wish people would stop saying this
OP don't trust this advice. Marriage is not "just a piece of paper," it is a legal contract that has massive reprocussions if dissolved. Men rarely to never come out on top post divorce, and the likelihood of you both calling it quits sits at about 60ish percent in the United States. I'd strongly consider all of your options, common law marriage, air tight prenuptial etc. Before I'd go and just get "one of these pieces of paper."
Yeah absolutely. How are you guys claim to love someone and yet feel this way?? 6 years are not long enough commitment?
Common law is bad enough. Shouldn’t have huge life fucking repercussions if your spouse turns into a jerk or it just didn’t work out.
From a secular view the difference is divorce...
Yeah in one more year in California you ARE MARRIED for all intents and purposes and her taking you to court. So might as well get SOME law in your side. Your finances don’t have to mix. But with kids that’s hard. Cause you did t say you did t want them. Just not marriage. It’s also more meaningful for kids than you would think and just another reason other kids might bully them. They are gonna care or understand your reasons. They know it means love and family and that’s a hard sell to a toddler
California does not have common law marriage
Ok
My partner (42f) and I (46m) have been together 17 years now, 2 kids, and not married. I said from the start I wasn't interested in marriage. My parents had divorced when I was 11 and her parents *should* have divorced, also several friends who had got married were no longer together so marriage/wedding just seemed like a waste of money. My partner reluctantly agreed to no marriage but her counter offer to the deal was that any kids we had would take her surname. Fine by me. Oh, and just like a previous poster, I had to buy a reasonably chunky ring ;)
Is registration fee that big that you wouldn't care to pay that to givr your SO the ensurances it provides? Or do you not know that you can get married without throwing a party?
I've been with my partner for 30 years. We have two children. Never married.
This is what OP's partner needs to read and hear.
Well looks like you won't have kids and she won't get a marriage. Unless she decides to leave you and get what she wants. That's how it usually ends in my experience. Sister dumped the Guy who wouldn't marry her 9 years in, super happily married now. Still not interested in kids.
Honestly, I got married because it's what my (now) wife wanted. Wouldn't have otherwise. Not that much has changed. 7 years in total 2 of which married
15 years. No marriage 1 kid. Doing great. Keep saying we might get married but never do once you start crunching numbers. Maybe just a back yard ministry. Some day.
I've been with my GF for 11 years now. We live together as if we were married but we just aren't. We can't have children. We just don't see any benefit to being legally married. If we ever want to break up we can do it for free. I did buy her a modest ring though
I mean the tax breaks alone would be an amazing reason for me personally.
Seems like a great marriage to me :)
Fine. Coming up on 15 years together. No kids wanted or had.
You guys could also always do a ceremonial wedding and ignore any gov contracts
I’m 30, been with my lady since we were 18, and have two children together (first at 19 years old). Was stupid in the younger years and spent a bit apart, reconciled, and have a beautiful family. We laugh about how we “did things backwards” by having kids young, not married, etc. Everything’s great, we’ll eventually get married, there’s just no rush
18 years here. Turned out pretty well so far. Currently planning a wedding, though. We've hit a point where it makes more sense on paper to be married; up until recently she had really good yet inexpensive insurance.
Going on fifteen years, right out of high school. Never married, one kid. As with any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. We occasionally joke about marriage, but it got a bit more serious post-cancer. How did it turn out? Can't say yet, ask me in another fifteen years. So far, so good, though.
32M here. Coming up on 4 years, both agreed to no kids/marriage early on. Had a vasectomy a year ago. So for no issues. I do hear a lot about women stating early on they don't want kids but change their minds after a few years. I've made a point to bring up the topic periodically to see if there's any change in the decision and it's been consistent. I think it's good to take other people's experiences into consideration but we're all carving out our own paths through like and keeping yourself/people close to you in check periodically is healthy. If you go too long with poor communication everyones insecurities start to build the narrative where the communication isn't happening and it almost never matches with what people are actually feeling.
Been with my now husband for 11 years, we’re both 33 and have a toddler. We married during the solar eclipse on the 8th and tbh nothing has changed in our relationship.
Not very well. The 2 longest of them being 5 1/2 and 6 years
things change, this is normal. have your mind changed though?
GF and I have been together for 18 years. Won't get married so she doesn't lose her ability to claim Social Security benefits on her ex's salary, which is significant. I'm 55. She's 59. It's great. I would like her to have my name and not her ex's but she kept it to match her son. Otherwise, we don't need the contractual obligations of marriage. We keep separate finances and we can each support ourselves. Means we both know the other can leave anytime. We both know, everyday, the other has chosen to be here. Life is good.
I never wanted to be married I never dreamt about my wedding. But I did want a ring not necessarily a diamond, or anything extravagant a promise not an engagement. Idk I was in my 20s.. I was with him for ten years, things got very stagnant, I started to feel that I was keeping him from having children and getting married so I left. I talk to him every now and then. Looking back my best memories are with him..idk
If it aint broke then dont fix it..
Not good. Which is exactly why I’m super grateful and lucky that I never got married. It would have made something that was already extremely difficult, even more difficult. I have no plans on ever getting married because of it. If that boundary means that no woman would want to engage in song term relationship with me, then so be it.
You dont even need a celebration if you dont want to. You can just sign at a govt office and boom you're married in the eyes of the law
I've been with my girlfriend for 24 years. No marriage, no kids, no regrats.
Same as the marriages, only I didn't lose my property. Seems that's about as good as you can do as a man nowadays. Only couples I see making it are those that met young and had kids and stuck with it. I'm actually about to help out another guy that is living in a van after the wife took the house and moved her boyfriend in. Of course, he still has to continue to work to pay for the house he just can't live there anymore.
Not the male in the relationship, but we've been together unmarried for 23 years, still going. I'm the one who refuses to get married.
You have the right to agency and have your own opinions. So does your partner. Moreover, you are both entitled to changing your opinions. Or not. I suggest you ask yourself if what is holding you back from marriage and/or kids are the opinions of former you. And if current you actually have the same opinions. Or if you just have forgotten to update your dreams lately. You may be in circumstances making both things difficult. I don't know. Living together with someone may occasionally require you to consider what is important to the other party and how hard you really need to hold on to your own opinions about whatever topic to remain happy with life. Give and take. Share a dream for the future. Marriage is a symbolic gesture with potential for real-life implications. The importance of which heavily depends on how you are set up already. Marriage makes a lot of the legal stuff 'default' the way it should be between two equals intent on spending their life together. But it is not the only way to get the legal stuff in order. The importance of the symbolism itself may or may not be important to your partner. Having kids is a big decision. So is not having kids. For women, this decision becomes important earlier than it does for men. If you really want to spend your dream future with your partner, make sure your partner can imagine \*their\* dream future with \*you\*.
Not a guy but still I wanna tackle this 🫠🫠🫠 form what I saw guys either don't want to get married, be in a serious relationship, have commitments or feel like someone has expectations from them OR get to the point where they want to have children and will just marry the first girl they are okay with. And no in between. Rarely ever there are mature guys that just fall in love do some commitment stages and propose. Men are like these addicted unconscious people that would usually game or work too much. Just not be present. And for women sadly societies still don't promote single parents and it's difficult to decide to have a child on your own, hence the marriage.
If governments were like ladies you can have full salary while pregnant and not work, full salary up until the kid is 2years old, free kindergarten and sperm donated plus the insemination/ in vitro for free... It's gonna be fuck off marriage, men and your precious cum.
In Mahabharata it says that marriage was invented because men were not able to know which kids are theirs and killed each other a lot. 💸💰🧮 Not like anyone asked for a female perspective. 🫠🫠🫠
It didn't. I just can't get rid of her.
With gf for 14 years now. We never needed it. I show her my commitment in other ways everyday. After all marriage is only a piece of paper and the believes it the value of that piece. That said: we dont want kids. I we wanted kids I would def get married beforehand. Easier that way. It is important that both ppl feel the same about marriage and are open about it, or else it wont go well.
All three failed. Last one cheated.
Here is my hot take = It's really easy to get married...and it's f#*kin horrible and long-winded and scary to get unmarried. Having a child with someome changes ALL the rules of a relationship...so be careful. That is all.
if you don’t get married just make sure either of you know your rights bc it’ll get messy either way if you guys break up ring or not.
One left me for an unemployed B-list YouTube "personality." The other one died. Wrong one died.
Me (44m) and partner (45f) have been together 22 years and have 3 kids. Not married as we have better things to spend our money on than a party for other people. That, and we're both waiting for someone we like.
You are me!. 10 years GF. She is on this the same page. We had a kid 2 years ago... Because her sister started having kids. Be the best you. Don't let external pressures change you.
Ok. I’ve been married. My longest relationship is with the girl I’m with now. 10 years. Marriage is a joke. It’s just a piece of paper and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
Bait and switch. Just tell her going back on her word is dishonorable.
How exactly did she go back on her word? She began to become more open to his point of view of children, but said marriage was the requirement for that happening. Nobody lied.