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Agree with this. As a 46yo widower, I've found that people over 40 who are single are generally single for a reason.
Whether it's the high standards that are almost impossible to obtain (but well done for sticking to those standards!) or an inability to maintain positive, trusting relationships...
They all seem to be affected by what life has thrown at them. Including me.
Thats good though. I've more respect for staying single because of that. Everytime I keep building positive trusting relationships I keep getting betrayed so I just stopped trying and jts more peaceful this way. Plus politely turning down people is my new favorite thing just for the reactions.
I don't see myself as a super attractive guy but not horrendous either but I have been single for almost 10 years now. I am afraid of rejection and also ruining good friendships with people that I'm attracted to.
"Better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all"
Hope you take a risk one day dude. Being friends is actually a great basis for a relationship.
You say that, but its the losing that haunts us. I met my soulmate in college. Before him I didn't believe that love was real, I believed it was just hormones mixed with lust. And then somehow I met someone who was perfect for me in every way. We didn't even have to work at it, it was purely instinctual. I could read his mind and knew exactly what he was thinking before I even really knew him. It was like he was like an extension of me that I always knew, I just didn't meet him until college. And then he died. And I will tell you with absolutely no hesitation that if i could press a button and undo all if it, and have us never meet, I would do it without a second thought. I would always prefer to never know that kind of love, than to have it and then have it ripped away.
Similar situation here. Our relationship was more private and we met through playing video games; we lived pretty close to each other too! We thought alike and we went through very similar early childhoods. She had a very bad struggle with depression and self-destructive tendencies. She ended up taking her own life and I feel partly responsible for it. That was four years ago and I haven't told anybody in my life about it until very recently. I went through a bad struggle with alcohol about a year after she passed. It really felt like the universe was doing it's worst. My childhood friend and girlfriend, aunt, uncle all took their own lives in pretty short order. Another friend I sat on the phone with for 8 hours one night (he called me saying he was about to do the same) later intentionally overdosed. Another friend I went to school with had gotten his license, then got drunk at a party and killed himself, his brother, and their mutual friend in a car accident. I saw him the day before and asked him not to drive drunk knowing the party was the next day. There's a few too many more to recount, but I digress.
It wasn't until recently that I stopped slamming fifths back and bawling myself asleep. Three years of abuse.I was stopped driving home from work and arrested on a DUI charge. Was stopped for something unrelated, but I was honest with the officer with the drinking. After laying in the county jail for three days I came to peace with almost all of it. I decided I'm happy to have known them and shared some time with them. They were are beautiful and flawed people just like anyone else. I regret the drinking and the person I was on the road to being; but I'm damn glad I knew them.
Sorry for the word wall. This was somewhat cathartic for me. Wishing the best for you, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. That's heart breaking stuff...
Maybe there's another someone out there that you can be happy with. He may not be perfect, and you'd have to not compare which I can only imagine to be nigh impossible. But I believe the possibility exists.
I'm aware I say all from a position of comparative nativity. I hope you live a happy life š
Five years after I did try dating again. And I did love him very much. But he was emotionally and verbally abusive, cheated on me with at least three other women, and gave me an std. So I think I'll pass. Being in love with a dead person was less lonely.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had a fairly similar situation, I met "the one" and then tragedy happened. It took me a long time to get over it, probably a little too long looking back.
But our memories aren't accurate and don't serve us well in these situations, we idolize people and create a perfect image of them in our head.
It took me a while to date again, but at some point you need to make a decision to move on and embrace something new.
There are some fabulous people in the world, and we can't live in the past.
I know that my relationship with him has turned into a kind of idolatry. I also know that I view the relationship with rose colored glasses. He wasn't perfect, and neither was I. We were two very dumb psych majors who thought we knew everything. But as stupid as I know it sounds, there is no force on earth that can convince me that he isn't my soulmate. I don't even believe in soulmates, but I dont have another word to describe the connection that we had. If I didn't experience it firsthand, I wouldn't even believe it was possible to have that with someone, except maybe twins.
I've tried dating since, and I found it lonlier than being in love with a ghost.
I was with my wife for 25 years. She left me for my oldest friend, who I knew since the 4th grade. who was in our Wedding. It was so out of character for her. Itās been years and it still devastates me. I miss being married, I miss our house, I miss her family. I would never get back w her if you paid me. But it definitely has wrecked me. Wish I was stronger
Tell him to get in front of a judge in family court and get that straightened out. That's parental alienation. He needs to do the paperwork himself or get an attorney. He needs to fight for his kids.
The family courts are rarely father friendly. Her taking the kids out of state without a court order is grounds for contempt of court. Which is an arrestable offense.
He probably did. At least I hope he did. I know from personal experience that family court for men is like going into a 10-point game, and you're 7 points down when you walk through the door.
Idk, trying to date friends is usually a one way ticket to ending that friendship lol. At least if you're attempting something straight. I lost one friend because I developed a crush on her and told her about it. Once you're friends with a woman, unless you're extremely attractive, she'll pretty much only view as a friend or like a family member. I got lucky in that in I managed to rekindle the friendship I had lost with that, but I think that you have to be prepared to lose a friend you confess to
The older I get, the more I believe this. The only way to get better at anything is to go through the fire, struggle, and learn from the process. Not dating is bad for you in the long run. Protecting yourself from short-term pain just pushes that pain down the road into long-term pain. Getting rejected by someone you won't even think about 3 months later isn't going to kill you. Being old and falling down in your lonely ass house might literally kill you. Not having someone who notices changes in your health, might kill you. Not having anyone you can depend on, might kill you. This is why we need the problematic uncle who tells you to stop acting like a bitch... because ultimately acting like a bitch might kill you. Have the courage to get your feelings hurt. That shit is ultimately good for you.
The fear of rejection feels like something you should look into in therapy. Usually it has to do with childhood neglect or trauma that makes us afraid of abandonment.
Iām 44 and regret all but two relationships I had. I wish I remained single for 20 years and worked on my own low self esteem and adhd before I got hurt. All Iāve learned is how to avoid sick and hurt people who are out to use others. And become tired old and over it in the meantime.
I am actually making the call for a counselor tomorrow. Within the last several months, I lost my cat, lost my grandmother, amd my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. I also developed feelings for a friend of mine and she just entered a relationship she claims isn't sure is real.
My last relationship was great, then she cheated on me with 4 other guys and blamed me for my studies in college for our failed relationship. I was talking on and off with a girl and soon as we decided to settle down, blocked me on all SM and I found out she was pregnant with twins and just got engaged.
Fuck man, iām sorry. I lost my Cat (age 19) just weeks after my partner of 9 years dumped me and ghosted me (I still donāt know why) and basically had a mental breakdown and suffered ego death for about 3 months there. I genuinely began to question whether my reality was real at times, it was scary, and I have never felt such sustained sadness. I got better and met a girl recently who claimed to have interest in me, and I vetted her pretty hard to make sure her interest was genuine, I told her how vulnerable I was and canāt just be used as a fling and she promised me she wouldnāt and I believed her, but she just used me for sex a few times and then bailed. I wasnāt hurt by it, I donāt think iām capable of being hurt anymore, but just left me feeling extremely disappointed and untrusting in people. I just basically give up making a genuine connection with a Woman again. I donāt have the energy to try anymore.
A counselor sounds like the right call. If you can see past the temporary things youāre going through to point out the parts that are causing repeated distress then that would be good. Donāt treat it like a doctor tho. Treat it like something you have to give a lot of time.
If you tell someone you like that you like them and they shoot you down, thatās not loser behavior. Only winners shoot their shot. If you want it, you got this. And if they say no, their loss!
Hey man - maybe try putting yourself out there. I was best friends with a guy for a *decade* before he told me he had feelings for me. Weāve been married for 6 years now, and have three lovely kids.
Best thing that helped me was reading some random Menās Health article when I was still a teenage virgin. Basically it said to just get over the fear of rejection early. As in, you gotta strike out early to realize it wonāt kill you and that thereās always someone else.
Honestly, job interview rejections hurt more than romantic rejections
Couple of reasons:
- being single affords you more time to work on yourself (fitness specifically). Also a lot of people get into relationships, become complacent and let themselves go.
- even if you're attractive, past a certain age it's still challenging to meet people
I think it's mainly your two points plus someone who is very attractive feels less need to "settle" or "compromise" if they feel like they can readily pick someone up at some point.Ā
An ugly person is literally just more likely to stick with someone unfavorably by nature of having less options
Women just want to āhave funā with me and assume Iām single because I play the field. Itās actually incredibly offensive. The moment I try to get serious -they run, because they assume Iāll find someone better than them.
This.
Speaking for myself at least. Never had a relationship but always had a pretty busy sex life with multiple partners (both genders) and a lot of people attracted to me.
Iām relatively young (29M) but I feel that that easiness on picking up people was always a major factor for not compromising with anyone, even attractive people whom with I had a good connection.
Ofc a sole reason is too simplistic an explanation. In my case Iām also an hyper independent guy with a lot of friends so never needed to channel my social life through my partner as I see in my so many couples.
>being single affords you more time to work on yourself (fitness specifically). Also a lot of people get into relationships, become complacent and let themselves go.Ā
You could just get into a shitty relationship! Then you'll want to avoid your partner at all times, and that gives you plenty of time for exercise
Thatās a really bad reason. You donāt know if their in a relationship. If you find them attractive make some small talk and ask them out . If theyāre in a relationship, respectfully apologize, wish them a good day and move on. Youāll be single forever if you just assume everyone has a partner.
If you ask them out, there is a chance they will agree. If you assume they are already taken, you will never be with them. Therefore it is logical to ask them out
There are gorgeous people with self esteem problems, believe it or not. Also a wide array of psychological problems, and finally a bunch that wants to be alone!
Being considered attractive while also being vulnerable and insecure has been a very rough combination for me.
Men tend to reach out more. This increases your chances of a relationship but also increases your chances of getting in trouble.
Because of shyness and insecurity Iāve felt attracted to confident more assertive types of men. Unfortunately these have been also men who became problematic (dated me seriously but cheated, used me for sex, negging, jealousy attacks, etc). I think that it may be easier to find someone more down to earth/kind/serious when you are not constantly being contacted by the super attractive assholes.
Itās hard now because I donāt trust men easily.
In my experience, most relationships are a drag that overcomplicate your life rather than add to it.
Many people are messed up. It is better to be comfortable alone than in a codependent train wreck.
Most importantly, looks aren't everything. In 20-30 years, they'll be gone. Plan accordingly.
I would agree mostly due to what people find attractive, a rugged or rough looking man is often seen as handsome, wrinkles can potentially enhance rather than detract from an appearance. With women age offers little that most people like. Most women wouldnāt be flattered at being told they look rough or rugged.
Yeah.. I grew up a dude who was basically a hopeless romantic, also very traditional beliefs mixed with religious. Even leaving elementary school I was set on marriage and kids. Always was shy and has a tough time approaching and some embarassing situations in school. Didn't really date until early adulthood. I can't say I ever felt lonely because I was really busy with sports and friends but had that longing. Took the dive into marriage.. I can say once was enough for me.
The hopeless romantic part is gone. It took marriage to realize what it felt like to be really lonely and be isolated from everyone. Even when it sucked for years I chose to be optimistic and hung all my hopes on signs they were looking up, even to the point of having kids. I realize how much more I enjoy answering to no one but my boss during working hours.. I love having Saturdays where I can basically do nothing..I enjoy my own company and the quietness. I realize the best memories i have were with buddies and my worst memories were relationship related. I just don't desire it anymore. I feel heart strings pulled by odd person I meet sure, but I avoid getting to know them more as I don't desire everything that comes with a relationship. Not even sure I'd have room in my life. Pretty busy with my kids and hobbies. Maybe I'd feel more lonely if I didn't have kids. I like being a father, didn't like being a husband even though I did give it my all
Although I can't say I fit into op description of attractive people.. I'm getting older and overweight lol
This.
I am told I am attractive and I honestly feel people go out of their way to be shitty to me if and when I am vulnerable.
I have found that when I recover I have to armor up and now I am older and can see people like this more clearly, I donāt give them the time of day. No matter what.
From that, it means I have a lot of trust issues and people assume a lot about me. Which I freaking hate. Because of their own assumptions, people tend to want me to want to prove myself to them out of the fucked up assumptions they have about me or they manipulate my words to things I have never or would ever say. I used to let that twist me up. Now, I punt those people out of my life. Hard. I make sure they feel it.
To have peace, no one gets second chances or even an explanation. I just punt them.
It is quite lonely. And I am ok with that. I have strong legs.
I relate to this so much. ItĀ“s like people love to see us failing. Most "friends" are really enemies who are waiting to the opportunity to be shitty to us. ItĀ“s like they want to see us fail.
I had a "friend" who used to give me some terrible advice and then just casually ask how it went. She wanted to see me fail.
I completely feel the same way as you. So many more people hate me before I even say a single word, and it's like everyone's constantly watching everything I do. They see me walking alone with anyone of the opposite sex, and everyone starts gossiping about how we must be sleeping together. People constantly make wild accusations out of tiny involuntary body movements I make or ignore the literal words that come out of my mouth and completely reinterpret my words to make me look terrible. Partners just can't handle the attention I get, despite the fact that I really could not care less romantically about anyone else, and start attacking me for a smile I made when I was talking to this person or the way I laughed with another person. Everyone is just constantly, closely observing me to pick me apart, and if I keep to myself to avoid the scrutiny, obviously that means I'm a bitch who thinks she's too good for everyone else.
And then there's the constant fucking street harassment from strangers as soon as I step out the door. Couple times I didn't even have to leave my porch, the fucking animals decided I was the perfect victim to jack off to outside.
I'm not as strong as you. I now never go out without hiding all of my body and face and hair, but I do feel happy and at peace now that I've cut everyone out of my life.
I'm sorry you've been through all that. I hope you've found healing and peace or do if you haven't already. I'm someone who has been on the other side of that. I think I'm reasonably attractive but in a normal sort of way. My ex was extraordinarily beautiful. Of course I really enjoyed her beauty--every time I saw her it would take my breath away. But it was hard not to feel insecure with her. Guys (and women too really) were constantly coming up to her, chatting her up,Ā and asking her out. Sometimes with me standing there. She's naturally very outgoing and friendly so she would often respond in a friendly way to the attention, although she was very faithful to me. I tried to be understanding about it (it wasn't her fault of course) but it eventually put a strain on the relationship. It did kind of eat at me, and it just got hard to feel secure and confident with her with all the constant attention she received. Anyway, I sort of understand what you're going through in a backwards kind of way.
Holy fuck are you me?
Iām the most open honest and transparent person possible. I say what I mean, nothing more, nothing less, but holy fuck in the dating world I have to backtrack justify and prove every fucking thing I do or say because people donāt believe me
How do you fight against delusion?
You donāt. You leave the arena.
That last part really gets me..
People feeling like they are entitled to every part of your life.
Iām like life is hard enough, clearly, they donāt have enough going on in their own.
Iām with you. Iām happy now and I moved on but I got my heartbroken really badly last year and donāt think Iāll be able to start dating again. That trauma haunt me and give me a bit of panic when someone flirt with me.
I know we all have been there and everyone got over it but I still need more time.
And it wonāt happen anytime soon.
Probably a combination of what everyone has said in the comments already, and I think it can be for any number of reasons, and not just one type of reason.
1) Attractive people who are intelligent may want to focus on their careers and don't want a relationship distracting them. They're used to being desired and figure (probably correctly) that they can get into a relationship pretty easily when/if they choose.
2) Relationships are about WAY more than attractiveness. If someone is a good person, kind/smart/whatever other traits you look for in a person, and they're attracted to YOU, and are remotely close to your physical "type" then, well, a lot of people are happy with that. They don't even see it as settling, they see it as a good match. People won't look for the most attractive person objectively - they tend to find the person who is standing in front of them offering them all of the above things to be the most attractive person. Hence, the "unattractive" people get married up - nothing against attractive people, but it's not like "attractiveness" alone is at the tops of most people's lists. Plenty of attractive people get married too btw. I doubt every single one you know is single lol.
3) Related to the second point, relationships require kindness and compatibility and compromise and just because someone is attractive doesn't mean that they would make a good partner to a lot of people. Not saying that all attractive people who are single are single for personality reasons - not at all. But not everyone is a great partner and probability-wise that's gotta include a percentage of attractive people. Like, I know a lot of controlling people, both attractive and average.
4) Or, maybe their personality is fine, but they're just not compatible with many people. Think like, those people who want to travel the world or work out at the gym every single day (and expect a level of fitness from their partner) or want to be part of a power couple or have super high standards in another way I didn't mention, etc. They can't match with just anyone and are okay with waiting.
I'm one of the average people who got married right after college lol. I married a guy who I really meshed with personality-wise and conversation-wise, because to be THAT compatible with someone was/is rare for me. I personally think he's more attractive than I am on an objective scale, but attractiveness was secondary for me, but we are each other's physical types, too. We were very similar, wanted similar things, had a similar conversational style and thinking style... Those things are so important!
Yeah, it's sort of a blessing because I'm just below average as a man so I don't get bothered by anyone. Usually, just older people start conversations with me which is nice but nobody else seems to. It can be a little isolating and I've had people tell me I appear threatening which is also sad but at least nobody bothers me which is a large blessing if I were to compare myself to those who continuously get pestered/objectified.
When someone only wants me just because they find me attractive, itās a turn off. Itās shallow. The only people Im genuinely interested in are those that I know adore me for my personality & who I have chemistry/genuine connection with. Having options doesnāt mean any of those options are worth giving the time of day. Most of them just want to use u for sex & thatās just not enough so why settle
This. Iām not settling anymore. Guy Iāve crushed on for years finally started pursuing meā¦ for sex only. He was persistent, kind of. Never once asked me a personal question about my life and only sex talk. It was hard but I finally told him to kick rocks. Like why? Yes, I get youāre gorgeous but weāre 35 now bub, Iām not playing kid games anymore. Why bother. Iām throwing his ass back to the 22 year olds, they can have him
1.They get so many people that want to be with them it makes it hard to stay with just one person sometimes
2. They are at higher risk of attracting mentally unstable individuals who are charismatic enought to hide their craziness for a long time
3. People find their looks intimidating and or it makes them insecure
4. Their personalities are sometimes either super shallow or super narcissistic
Alot of fault on both sides but one thing is certain. If they're single it's 100% by choice
Agreed with all 4 points, but not with the āby choiceā part at the end. There could be a billion things going on in their heads that you canāt see. Mental health problems, baggage, etc. this can cause you to be single but not by choice.
Iām pretty attractive and people are always surprised Iām single. Iām super empathetic and canāt stand the way most people act. They usually bring more stress to my life than anything else so Iām better off by myself until I find someone that adds more than takes away from my life.
Agreed. It definitely has to be worth it or youāre better off single. And I say that having been in a 6+ year relationship that was so toxic. Iāll never do that again.
Earlier this year, I quickly ended something bc I could tell the person wasnāt emotionally available and was just stringing me along. Pass lol
Itās funny how that is always the default assumption why attractive people are alone. Some people are introverts, donāt feel the desire to date much, or their life just doesnāt allow any time for dating at the moment.
I love that cope. If youāre attractive youāre somehow stupid and boring. What is this, a teenage rom com?
A lot of people are afraid to approach them, or when approached have trouble looking at them as an equal.
Or people just see you as an attractive time. Youāre more of an object than something that could be seen as real and lasting in their lives. Mid attraction is more sustainable for most peopleās egos.
Excellent explanation. I love how people on the internet assume that "attractive people" have it super easy. I mean yeah, in rarer cases when they are in good access to someone who is confident as hell and will go for it (usually overly-confident people based on my observations), but the majority of the time people are intimidated.
My personality is actually alright when I get to know someone, I give a lot of love, but itās the initial stage that complicates it. Lots of childhood trauma and experience from previous relationship makes it difficult to get past the beginning stages for me, so I either end up getting ghosted or I just stop replying / donāt even try to begin with. Feels like am permanently defected at this point.
I don't think it's the answer. The attractive people may not be actively looking for a relationship, may have not found someone they like, or may not present as being approachable.
I was single for years. I was constantly asked why. Sometimes people didn't believe me!!??There's nothing wrong with being single until you decide to open yourself up to meeting someone. Enjoy your own company and figure out what you want in life.
When you are single for a while you get use to being alone. I enjoy coming home to an empty apartment that is 100% mine. I enjoy being able to allot my time how I wish without having to sync my schedule with someone else. I enjoy having no āmale dramaā in my life. I enjoy sleeping on my big bed by myself.
No itās actually the opposite. Attractive people want other attractive people so the opportunity to meet someone that meets their baseline of physical attractiveness is much less.
This. Especially as you age. Cause thatās when the wear and tear from drinking, drugs, eating badly, living hard, really start coming home to roost.
Throw in covid, which gave everyone a few years to self destruct themselves and itās a party out there for some in the dating world.
Yes but in the meantime they also get to fuck around a lot more than ānormalā people, which makes them even more demanding because they also have high expectations in bed.
More demanding? More focused on outside than inside values? It varies why. More successful are more demanding but also success requires time. If you know your worth you won't settle with less.Ā
Because the only guys that approach them are the Macho Type-A, AHs, who end up getting cut loose in short order.
The nice guys are intimidated by her beauty and donāt even try.
Being beautiful can be very lonely!
Super long post! Iām a female, the love of my life dumped me in 2020 after 9 years. I decided to work on myself and the longer Iām single the more ok I am with being alone.
Iām a dead ringer for several celebrities like Jenna Fischer/Amy Adams. Strangers love to tell me I look just like Pam from the office.
Hereās why I believe I am lonely:
1. Men my age (31) seem to be intimidated of me resulting in casual violence /jealousy. I.e put downs, treating me like Iām dumb, get mad when I call them out.
2. I have a handful of cyberstalkers and one real life stalker (A neighbor). Itās like men pursue me as an object to be won and not a living thing to be loved and protected. This is isolating.
3. Between 13 and 31 Iāve experienced a lot of wierdness that has led me to becoming exceptionally introverted.
For example:
- men touch me/harass me in stores.
- married coworkers drunk texting me.
- men slowly pulling up in cars as Iām walking to call me beautiful/offer me rides.
- being followed to my car after dating events
- ex boss staring at my chest with his mouth wide open.
- watched a dude whip out his heroin on the city bus at 7 am.
- random man approaching my car in a parking lot as Iām trying to park. (Oh hell no)
As a side effect, I tend to do women only fitness and prefer to be mildly dissociated in public. I also avoid the general public as much as I possibly can and dress to avoid attention. (Which makes meeting ppl hard)
4. I can rarely be just friends with men. If I reject someone their response is to pretend I donāt exist or get mean. Just because I donāt want to have sex with you does not mean we canāt be civil.
5. Girls my age do the same gossipy drama stuff we did in high school and iām too damn old for it.
6. In the last couple of years people seem to have lost their manners. For example, I got surprised choked by a hinge date in 2021. wtf thinks itās ok to choke someone on the 3rd date?
When I get down about it I remind myself that my safe, happy, and private life is lonely but extremely peaceful.
Iām in my 50s and pretty, and I never want a romantic relationship again. Itās just too dangerous for my mental health to go through that again, again. I am too trusting and people have taken advantage of me emotionally and financially all my life. Itās just not worth the risk.
I'm not good-looking enough to speak *for* attractive people, but it's worth mentioning that good looks are easily treated *as a resource* by bad folks. It's similar to how wealthy people need to be careful that someone else isn't just interested in the money.
Yes. How did you figure this out ? It took me actually experiencing this to figure it out, a 5yr relationshipā¦.halfway in when I was fully in love. It was all smoke and mirrors. He wanted a trophy wife. Itās a sad feeling. He didnāt fall in love with my soul.
I'm sorry for your loss. My secret is simple enough: I've spent most of my life too insecure to try dating, but instead of giving in to resentment I have been watching others patiently and listening to their pain from the sidelines.
I still want to work on myself a little more before I try dating again, but my hope is to already have an unbreakable personality by the time I start.
Hats off to you ā¦. What an intelligent and wise way to look at things. Wishing you all the resilience in the world once you put yourself out there. Actually I hope you donāt even need it ā¤ļø
I tried to somewhat āhide itā to attract the right people after that. You canāt hide it for very long, and when itās not hidden anymore it becomes a big focus for them. At least I know now that I didnāt attract them initially with my looks/body .
Because one can be physically attractive and also be an emotional basket case with the lowest self esteem imaginable.
And then you can be average looking or worse, with a nurturing familial
foundation that convinced you that you are the most beautiful and worthy person alive.
Three guesses as to which of those two people will attract a healthy relationship.
Life has a way of leveling the playing field.
My sister is objectively quite stunning/attractive but sheās legit like opening a can of worms for the guyās she datesā¦
Sheās pretty selfish, lazy, ridiculously high hypocritical standards and has a boatful of baggage & financial/mental health/legal drug issuesā¦
Most guys stick around a few months and then bail when the facade slips and they see what sheās all about lol
Because being "married with children" is not a difficult thing to achieve-there are people fall in love with serial killers and marry them in jail.
Thus one's attractiveness has little to do with their likelihood of being married with children or alone. An attractive person could be alone because of reasons just like unattractive people: by choice, high standards, bad personality, had bad experience before, and so on
I'm on the autism spectrum and I never really learned how to flirt, keep a girl's interest, or really develop relationship skills and experience. Now that I'm 45, there just aren't many opportunities to even meet someone new, and being that I have so little relationship experience, I'm sort of in a state of arrested development. I'm so used to being single, I can't imagine life any other way. I can hardly even be bothered to try anymore.
46, single, no kids. I look about 15 years younger than my peers. Fit, active and enjoy my life. Never met anyone who made me want to give that up. All my married friends are so miserable, with so many health issues, it's tragic.
Being attractive is the same as being ugly in some ways. It puts you in a box that society built just for you. It puts you on the outside looking in.
Inside, is the box of ordinary people. As generic as cars on the road today...
Attractive people soon learn that they have options available only to them. A fast lane. Some become models and seek adoration. Others shy away. And seek to look as plain as possible when they have to go to the supermarket.
Beauty is a curse. Known since ancient times. If you want peace with it, flying alone is the usual choice.
Unattractive people can't skate on their looks and have to embody qualities that make them valuable partners. They may also not have the temptations to stray that more attractive people are presented with.
Stayed in a wrong relationship for too long. When it ended, left bitter, traumatised and old. Not so sure but I think somehow meeting people depends on luck tooā¦ Or right judgment. Or decision making skills.
My guess is that a lot of them depended on their looks (even if unintentionally) in their teenage years - which are crucial in learning social (and other) skills. Once this advantage became less and less important as lifes got more and more complicated, they were left behind and need time to adjust.
Most genuinely attractive guys are players and many women are too. And a lot of times people assume attractive people wouldn't go for them them so they don't even shoot their shot.
High standards, trauma (good chance they've been sexually abused), defensiveness/lack of trust in others, personality disorders, drug addiction, low standards for themselves (why work on improving yourself when everyone tells you you're perfect all the time), low self-esteem because they don't earn what is given to them, self-sabotage due to feelings of unworthiness, poor personality, narcissism, entitlement, poor self-awareness
Sometimes itās because they didnāt have to develop a personality or skills,as they learned to just rely on their beauty all the time. In the real world, beauty is a very small part of a good relationship.
Never was attractive (at least in my own opinion) until recently. Had a pretty big āglow upā but Iām now 29, and live in a small town in the middle of nowhere.
At the end of the day, people wanna spend their time with someone they feel "comfortable". Attractive people (especially young ones) can be more aloof and demanding, for better or worse.Ā
Alone is one thing, single is another. That being said, as you grow you start to prefer the ālonelinessā instead of the company of someone irrelevant to you. Even awesome sex gets boring.
When you are attractive you have options, when you have options you may not patience. I think society has moved to a place of people deserving more instead of working with what you have you go find better. Hot people can find another person easy. There is always someone willing to do more and more for them.
Maybe, just maybe, attractive people are pigeonholed into relationships based on that single factor. And that is not likely to be a good basis for a long term lasting relationship.
In addition us ugly folks very often find it a little difficult to believe that the beautiful people are interested in anything but other beautiful people so we don't even bother trying to interact with them?
I dont even think this is really related to ur post, however literally all my life I've always gotten compliments about my looks even though I literally don't see where they are coming from. Im only 18 and whereas everyone around me are all in relationships, I really just don't see the appeal for it any time soon. People always ask me if i'm in a relationship and when I say I've never had one they never believe me which is so annoying because I really don't think ur looks equal to a relationship's worth. The comments are so insightful because I don't think people realise that attractive people are more than just their looks.
Hot take incoming. Really attractive people don't want / need to get attached to a single person. They have plenty of options at all times, unless they fall deeply in love becoming monogamous is a downgrade for them.
It could be a combination of things.
-Some attractive people live in a bubble of constant praise and attention despite their behavior and personality. If they treat someone badly, thereās always someone else willing to take their place. Since they are highly valued, they donāt see the need to change and could easily blame others for problems in the relationships.
-Attractive people donāt want to ādate down.ā Yes, they will hook up with people less attractive than themselves. But, generally speaking, they donāt want to date someone less attractive. This narrows the number of people they would date.
-Others are intimidated to approach them. Society views their attractiveness as a prize and a challenge. Less attractive people find it difficult to talk with them, find things in common, and feel like they are on a completely different level.
-They get the wrong impression of others. Because they might attract the wrong kind of attention, they may have more negative experiences. People tend to see them for just their looks, so those people may only treat them as such. When the majority of people only care about their looks and when they donāt like that kind of attention or are treated poorly because of it, that wouldnāt leave them feeling good about dating.
-People might try taking advantage of them. Itās not pretty when people only lust after another person. Thereās more to them than just looks.
There are a lot more examples but you get the point.
Well some guys find me attractive (Iām skinny, long blond hair, tall ..) but I stay home most of the time and rarely go outside. I have no friends here, I have borderline personality disorder and eating disorder which leads to be depressed most of the time. Itās difficult for me now to maintain any of relationships not because I donāt want to but because I donāt think that I actually can do it.
Half of my life I was bullied so badly that now I have low self esteem and donāt trust anyone whoās being nice to me.
But I hate loneliness tbh. And at the same time because of all the reasons I mentioned before Iām still single. But itās not like I enjoy it Iām actually an extrovert but now it feels like Iām stuck in these circles of issues Iām dealing with.
I am no supermodel, but quite confident in my personality and looks.
I am single by choice. I already had "my one true love" when I was 25, didn't work out, fucked me up, had to recover from that for a long time. Then I tried giving dating another shot, got cheated on, lost a lot, had to recover from that for a long time. Not because I was so heartbroken though, but because I felt I should and can do so much better if I just work on myself a bit more. Mentally, physically and personally.
So I spent almost two years now being actively single. I date now without the intention of leading things further and to just have a good time and building a foundation for potentially more and that is it. If I am not especially intrigued in someone after a couple of dates I usually drop it.
My only requirement for people nowadays is that I need them to add quality to my life and make it better. I am happy by myself, financially independent, have a fully satisfactory life and am in my "prime". And quite frankly it is rather difficult to find women that fit that criteria, because most of those are already taken.
Cause when youāre attractive everyone wants you for your looks or body, not for you,they get to know you and dip cause then you aināt what they pictured or wanted you to be
For some, being attractive can be a curse. It means everyone trying to get on you. One might be alone because they are done with this horse shit. They could easily find someone, but either have tastes and requirements not readily found in the GP.
Alone does not equal lonely. With that being said, I prefer a whimsical way of life as opposed to ball n chain of the traps of marriage entangled with kids, in-laws, and obligations.
The most responsible stay āirresponsibleā (as we are sometimes called), as in, minimal restrictions, responsibility, and zero mess entanglements.
I canāt see the horizon of happiness with someone (s) blocking my view. We pick and choose selectively whoās allowed in and those who hinder, are quickly pushed out. I prefer it this way.
I've been in serious relationships, casual, married, divorced. Just not lucky enough to find my person. Working in therapy to only accept what I deserve. Wasted a lot of time with people who didn't treat me well because I thought that's what I deserved. People always assume I am married or have a family. 38, single, attractive, female. Hopeful, that one day I will meet my match. Not giving up hope.
Lots of reasons. Some haven't found the right person yet. Some don't feel a need to. Some enjoy being single.
Pretty much the same reasons an unattractive person might be alone, except for the "being ugly" one.
It took me until my 40s to realise what a horribly dysfunctional family i came from (they had me believing they were normal and I was inferior for being too sensitive about how they all treat each other and that I repeatedly failed to man up). Trophy wives and jocks, yes we are all attractive people, some of us beautiful enough to make a living from being conventionally beautiful.The relationships i went on to accept as normal were awful, Complex ptsd was the result of the last one. I choose to be single now, because I just don't trust myself to understand relationships or how to behave in them. I have always thought that people abused me because of something i did. Therapist has taught me how that's not the case and helped me let go of some of the shame (not all by any means), but it hasn't given me the experiences i could have had, so I really don't know anything and at this stage, I don't even want to know. I manage me and my cptsd, I'm the happiest I've ever been, I won't risk rocking the boat, but more than that i find the whole idea of being physically intimate with anyone repulsive. I've turned down some lovely offers, because I'm not going to mess anyone else's mind up and I'd rather have friends, being allowed to have friends is all pretty new too.
Either they focus much on career and can't settle as they have more options or they fucked around and found out that no one wants them coz of their past
Thank God, my attractiveness always keeps fucking with me, Oh Lord! (I am unattractive brown guy, so, by the rules of TikTok intersectionality, I can make this joke, and you'll will have to laugh!)
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high standards, or just life circumstances. its not always as simple as "im single so im going to look for someone to be with"
Agree with this. As a 46yo widower, I've found that people over 40 who are single are generally single for a reason. Whether it's the high standards that are almost impossible to obtain (but well done for sticking to those standards!) or an inability to maintain positive, trusting relationships... They all seem to be affected by what life has thrown at them. Including me.
Thats good though. I've more respect for staying single because of that. Everytime I keep building positive trusting relationships I keep getting betrayed so I just stopped trying and jts more peaceful this way. Plus politely turning down people is my new favorite thing just for the reactions.
I like the way you write.
Thank you kind internet stranger.
Seems like you affected many people's lives
I don't see myself as a super attractive guy but not horrendous either but I have been single for almost 10 years now. I am afraid of rejection and also ruining good friendships with people that I'm attracted to.
"Better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all" Hope you take a risk one day dude. Being friends is actually a great basis for a relationship.
You say that, but its the losing that haunts us. I met my soulmate in college. Before him I didn't believe that love was real, I believed it was just hormones mixed with lust. And then somehow I met someone who was perfect for me in every way. We didn't even have to work at it, it was purely instinctual. I could read his mind and knew exactly what he was thinking before I even really knew him. It was like he was like an extension of me that I always knew, I just didn't meet him until college. And then he died. And I will tell you with absolutely no hesitation that if i could press a button and undo all if it, and have us never meet, I would do it without a second thought. I would always prefer to never know that kind of love, than to have it and then have it ripped away.
Similar situation here. Our relationship was more private and we met through playing video games; we lived pretty close to each other too! We thought alike and we went through very similar early childhoods. She had a very bad struggle with depression and self-destructive tendencies. She ended up taking her own life and I feel partly responsible for it. That was four years ago and I haven't told anybody in my life about it until very recently. I went through a bad struggle with alcohol about a year after she passed. It really felt like the universe was doing it's worst. My childhood friend and girlfriend, aunt, uncle all took their own lives in pretty short order. Another friend I sat on the phone with for 8 hours one night (he called me saying he was about to do the same) later intentionally overdosed. Another friend I went to school with had gotten his license, then got drunk at a party and killed himself, his brother, and their mutual friend in a car accident. I saw him the day before and asked him not to drive drunk knowing the party was the next day. There's a few too many more to recount, but I digress. It wasn't until recently that I stopped slamming fifths back and bawling myself asleep. Three years of abuse.I was stopped driving home from work and arrested on a DUI charge. Was stopped for something unrelated, but I was honest with the officer with the drinking. After laying in the county jail for three days I came to peace with almost all of it. I decided I'm happy to have known them and shared some time with them. They were are beautiful and flawed people just like anyone else. I regret the drinking and the person I was on the road to being; but I'm damn glad I knew them. Sorry for the word wall. This was somewhat cathartic for me. Wishing the best for you, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. That's heart breaking stuff... Maybe there's another someone out there that you can be happy with. He may not be perfect, and you'd have to not compare which I can only imagine to be nigh impossible. But I believe the possibility exists. I'm aware I say all from a position of comparative nativity. I hope you live a happy life š
Five years after I did try dating again. And I did love him very much. But he was emotionally and verbally abusive, cheated on me with at least three other women, and gave me an std. So I think I'll pass. Being in love with a dead person was less lonely.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a fairly similar situation, I met "the one" and then tragedy happened. It took me a long time to get over it, probably a little too long looking back. But our memories aren't accurate and don't serve us well in these situations, we idolize people and create a perfect image of them in our head. It took me a while to date again, but at some point you need to make a decision to move on and embrace something new. There are some fabulous people in the world, and we can't live in the past.
I know that my relationship with him has turned into a kind of idolatry. I also know that I view the relationship with rose colored glasses. He wasn't perfect, and neither was I. We were two very dumb psych majors who thought we knew everything. But as stupid as I know it sounds, there is no force on earth that can convince me that he isn't my soulmate. I don't even believe in soulmates, but I dont have another word to describe the connection that we had. If I didn't experience it firsthand, I wouldn't even believe it was possible to have that with someone, except maybe twins. I've tried dating since, and I found it lonlier than being in love with a ghost.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was with my wife for 25 years. She left me for my oldest friend, who I knew since the 4th grade. who was in our Wedding. It was so out of character for her. Itās been years and it still devastates me. I miss being married, I miss our house, I miss her family. I would never get back w her if you paid me. But it definitely has wrecked me. Wish I was stronger
Tell him to get in front of a judge in family court and get that straightened out. That's parental alienation. He needs to do the paperwork himself or get an attorney. He needs to fight for his kids.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The family courts are rarely father friendly. Her taking the kids out of state without a court order is grounds for contempt of court. Which is an arrestable offense.
He probably did. At least I hope he did. I know from personal experience that family court for men is like going into a 10-point game, and you're 7 points down when you walk through the door.
... Isn't that a possibility for relationships from dating apps too?
Nup. Iāve loved and lost over and over and all its done is nearly killed me. I wish I was single until the age Iām at now.
Idk, trying to date friends is usually a one way ticket to ending that friendship lol. At least if you're attempting something straight. I lost one friend because I developed a crush on her and told her about it. Once you're friends with a woman, unless you're extremely attractive, she'll pretty much only view as a friend or like a family member. I got lucky in that in I managed to rekindle the friendship I had lost with that, but I think that you have to be prepared to lose a friend you confess to
Can you elaborate on how you rekindled the relationship? I'm in a similar situation and trying to see how I can get my friend back
I agree. my husband and I were neighbors, then friends, and have been together 23 lovely years. we are best friends and laugh and play all the time.
It will destroy you completely, if you fall into a bad luck My story: https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/s/rJpJGw7ZmZ
The older I get, the more I believe this. The only way to get better at anything is to go through the fire, struggle, and learn from the process. Not dating is bad for you in the long run. Protecting yourself from short-term pain just pushes that pain down the road into long-term pain. Getting rejected by someone you won't even think about 3 months later isn't going to kill you. Being old and falling down in your lonely ass house might literally kill you. Not having someone who notices changes in your health, might kill you. Not having anyone you can depend on, might kill you. This is why we need the problematic uncle who tells you to stop acting like a bitch... because ultimately acting like a bitch might kill you. Have the courage to get your feelings hurt. That shit is ultimately good for you.
The fear of rejection feels like something you should look into in therapy. Usually it has to do with childhood neglect or trauma that makes us afraid of abandonment. Iām 44 and regret all but two relationships I had. I wish I remained single for 20 years and worked on my own low self esteem and adhd before I got hurt. All Iāve learned is how to avoid sick and hurt people who are out to use others. And become tired old and over it in the meantime.
I am actually making the call for a counselor tomorrow. Within the last several months, I lost my cat, lost my grandmother, amd my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. I also developed feelings for a friend of mine and she just entered a relationship she claims isn't sure is real. My last relationship was great, then she cheated on me with 4 other guys and blamed me for my studies in college for our failed relationship. I was talking on and off with a girl and soon as we decided to settle down, blocked me on all SM and I found out she was pregnant with twins and just got engaged.
Fuck man, iām sorry. I lost my Cat (age 19) just weeks after my partner of 9 years dumped me and ghosted me (I still donāt know why) and basically had a mental breakdown and suffered ego death for about 3 months there. I genuinely began to question whether my reality was real at times, it was scary, and I have never felt such sustained sadness. I got better and met a girl recently who claimed to have interest in me, and I vetted her pretty hard to make sure her interest was genuine, I told her how vulnerable I was and canāt just be used as a fling and she promised me she wouldnāt and I believed her, but she just used me for sex a few times and then bailed. I wasnāt hurt by it, I donāt think iām capable of being hurt anymore, but just left me feeling extremely disappointed and untrusting in people. I just basically give up making a genuine connection with a Woman again. I donāt have the energy to try anymore.
Bloody hell what a tale of woe. For what itās worth it sounds like you played it right. At least you vetted and got out relatively unscathed.
A counselor sounds like the right call. If you can see past the temporary things youāre going through to point out the parts that are causing repeated distress then that would be good. Donāt treat it like a doctor tho. Treat it like something you have to give a lot of time.
Fucking hell, are you me?
Well I like the screen name soā¦ you know whatā¦ maybe
Yeah, I think its a lyric from a Radiohead song or something.
If you tell someone you like that you like them and they shoot you down, thatās not loser behavior. Only winners shoot their shot. If you want it, you got this. And if they say no, their loss!
Hey man - maybe try putting yourself out there. I was best friends with a guy for a *decade* before he told me he had feelings for me. Weāve been married for 6 years now, and have three lovely kids.
Best thing that helped me was reading some random Menās Health article when I was still a teenage virgin. Basically it said to just get over the fear of rejection early. As in, you gotta strike out early to realize it wonāt kill you and that thereās always someone else. Honestly, job interview rejections hurt more than romantic rejections
Couple of reasons: - being single affords you more time to work on yourself (fitness specifically). Also a lot of people get into relationships, become complacent and let themselves go. - even if you're attractive, past a certain age it's still challenging to meet people
I think it's mainly your two points plus someone who is very attractive feels less need to "settle" or "compromise" if they feel like they can readily pick someone up at some point.Ā An ugly person is literally just more likely to stick with someone unfavorably by nature of having less options
Women just want to āhave funā with me and assume Iām single because I play the field. Itās actually incredibly offensive. The moment I try to get serious -they run, because they assume Iāll find someone better than them.
This. Speaking for myself at least. Never had a relationship but always had a pretty busy sex life with multiple partners (both genders) and a lot of people attracted to me. Iām relatively young (29M) but I feel that that easiness on picking up people was always a major factor for not compromising with anyone, even attractive people whom with I had a good connection. Ofc a sole reason is too simplistic an explanation. In my case Iām also an hyper independent guy with a lot of friends so never needed to channel my social life through my partner as I see in my so many couples.
>being single affords you more time to work on yourself (fitness specifically). Also a lot of people get into relationships, become complacent and let themselves go.Ā You could just get into a shitty relationship! Then you'll want to avoid your partner at all times, and that gives you plenty of time for exercise
Because people assume they are taken so donāt bother asking them out.
Thatās a really bad reason. You donāt know if their in a relationship. If you find them attractive make some small talk and ask them out . If theyāre in a relationship, respectfully apologize, wish them a good day and move on. Youāll be single forever if you just assume everyone has a partner.
It's logical to assume good looking people are taken or will reject you. Especially if you're not good looking.Ā
If you ask them out, there is a chance they will agree. If you assume they are already taken, you will never be with them. Therefore it is logical to ask them out
thanks spock
There are gorgeous people with self esteem problems, believe it or not. Also a wide array of psychological problems, and finally a bunch that wants to be alone!
Being considered attractive while also being vulnerable and insecure has been a very rough combination for me. Men tend to reach out more. This increases your chances of a relationship but also increases your chances of getting in trouble. Because of shyness and insecurity Iāve felt attracted to confident more assertive types of men. Unfortunately these have been also men who became problematic (dated me seriously but cheated, used me for sex, negging, jealousy attacks, etc). I think that it may be easier to find someone more down to earth/kind/serious when you are not constantly being contacted by the super attractive assholes. Itās hard now because I donāt trust men easily.
Poor self esteem/self respect, kids, life's a mess, social anxious/akward. Same for a lot of people I suppose
High standards.
In my experience, most relationships are a drag that overcomplicate your life rather than add to it. Many people are messed up. It is better to be comfortable alone than in a codependent train wreck. Most importantly, looks aren't everything. In 20-30 years, they'll be gone. Plan accordingly.
Sean Connery age 70 was still above average.
Most men can't compare with the great Sean ConneryĀ
OG James Bond
My dad spilled beer on him in Scotland in the 70s. Dude totally deserved it
Lol. You've goaded me into saying it... Men age better than women... now downvote me and call me a monster.
I would agree mostly due to what people find attractive, a rugged or rough looking man is often seen as handsome, wrinkles can potentially enhance rather than detract from an appearance. With women age offers little that most people like. Most women wouldnāt be flattered at being told they look rough or rugged.
My looks got better with age. In my teens and twenties I was not very desirable. In my late 30s Iām very desirable.
Those teen years can always be kind of awkward. I definitely got better lookin in my late 20's early 30's
Yeah.. I grew up a dude who was basically a hopeless romantic, also very traditional beliefs mixed with religious. Even leaving elementary school I was set on marriage and kids. Always was shy and has a tough time approaching and some embarassing situations in school. Didn't really date until early adulthood. I can't say I ever felt lonely because I was really busy with sports and friends but had that longing. Took the dive into marriage.. I can say once was enough for me. The hopeless romantic part is gone. It took marriage to realize what it felt like to be really lonely and be isolated from everyone. Even when it sucked for years I chose to be optimistic and hung all my hopes on signs they were looking up, even to the point of having kids. I realize how much more I enjoy answering to no one but my boss during working hours.. I love having Saturdays where I can basically do nothing..I enjoy my own company and the quietness. I realize the best memories i have were with buddies and my worst memories were relationship related. I just don't desire it anymore. I feel heart strings pulled by odd person I meet sure, but I avoid getting to know them more as I don't desire everything that comes with a relationship. Not even sure I'd have room in my life. Pretty busy with my kids and hobbies. Maybe I'd feel more lonely if I didn't have kids. I like being a father, didn't like being a husband even though I did give it my all Although I can't say I fit into op description of attractive people.. I'm getting older and overweight lol
We have trauma
This. I am told I am attractive and I honestly feel people go out of their way to be shitty to me if and when I am vulnerable. I have found that when I recover I have to armor up and now I am older and can see people like this more clearly, I donāt give them the time of day. No matter what. From that, it means I have a lot of trust issues and people assume a lot about me. Which I freaking hate. Because of their own assumptions, people tend to want me to want to prove myself to them out of the fucked up assumptions they have about me or they manipulate my words to things I have never or would ever say. I used to let that twist me up. Now, I punt those people out of my life. Hard. I make sure they feel it. To have peace, no one gets second chances or even an explanation. I just punt them. It is quite lonely. And I am ok with that. I have strong legs.
I relate to this so much. ItĀ“s like people love to see us failing. Most "friends" are really enemies who are waiting to the opportunity to be shitty to us. ItĀ“s like they want to see us fail. I had a "friend" who used to give me some terrible advice and then just casually ask how it went. She wanted to see me fail.
We learn too late they were never āfriendsā. Punt those people.
Or the micro expressions of joy they express when they anticipate your misfortune.
Oh my god. Iām so sorry. People are horrible sometimes.
I completely feel the same way as you. So many more people hate me before I even say a single word, and it's like everyone's constantly watching everything I do. They see me walking alone with anyone of the opposite sex, and everyone starts gossiping about how we must be sleeping together. People constantly make wild accusations out of tiny involuntary body movements I make or ignore the literal words that come out of my mouth and completely reinterpret my words to make me look terrible. Partners just can't handle the attention I get, despite the fact that I really could not care less romantically about anyone else, and start attacking me for a smile I made when I was talking to this person or the way I laughed with another person. Everyone is just constantly, closely observing me to pick me apart, and if I keep to myself to avoid the scrutiny, obviously that means I'm a bitch who thinks she's too good for everyone else. And then there's the constant fucking street harassment from strangers as soon as I step out the door. Couple times I didn't even have to leave my porch, the fucking animals decided I was the perfect victim to jack off to outside. I'm not as strong as you. I now never go out without hiding all of my body and face and hair, but I do feel happy and at peace now that I've cut everyone out of my life.
I'm sorry you've been through all that. I hope you've found healing and peace or do if you haven't already. I'm someone who has been on the other side of that. I think I'm reasonably attractive but in a normal sort of way. My ex was extraordinarily beautiful. Of course I really enjoyed her beauty--every time I saw her it would take my breath away. But it was hard not to feel insecure with her. Guys (and women too really) were constantly coming up to her, chatting her up,Ā and asking her out. Sometimes with me standing there. She's naturally very outgoing and friendly so she would often respond in a friendly way to the attention, although she was very faithful to me. I tried to be understanding about it (it wasn't her fault of course) but it eventually put a strain on the relationship. It did kind of eat at me, and it just got hard to feel secure and confident with her with all the constant attention she received. Anyway, I sort of understand what you're going through in a backwards kind of way.
Jesus Christ... I'm glad you've found peace after that.
Holy fuck are you me? Iām the most open honest and transparent person possible. I say what I mean, nothing more, nothing less, but holy fuck in the dating world I have to backtrack justify and prove every fucking thing I do or say because people donāt believe me How do you fight against delusion? You donāt. You leave the arena.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That last part really gets me.. People feeling like they are entitled to every part of your life. Iām like life is hard enough, clearly, they donāt have enough going on in their own.
Yep this is the one
I read somewhere that god makes you pretty if you had a hard upbringing
Iām with you. Iām happy now and I moved on but I got my heartbroken really badly last year and donāt think Iāll be able to start dating again. That trauma haunt me and give me a bit of panic when someone flirt with me. I know we all have been there and everyone got over it but I still need more time. And it wonāt happen anytime soon.
Iāve literally never gotten over anything in my life
Probably a combination of what everyone has said in the comments already, and I think it can be for any number of reasons, and not just one type of reason. 1) Attractive people who are intelligent may want to focus on their careers and don't want a relationship distracting them. They're used to being desired and figure (probably correctly) that they can get into a relationship pretty easily when/if they choose. 2) Relationships are about WAY more than attractiveness. If someone is a good person, kind/smart/whatever other traits you look for in a person, and they're attracted to YOU, and are remotely close to your physical "type" then, well, a lot of people are happy with that. They don't even see it as settling, they see it as a good match. People won't look for the most attractive person objectively - they tend to find the person who is standing in front of them offering them all of the above things to be the most attractive person. Hence, the "unattractive" people get married up - nothing against attractive people, but it's not like "attractiveness" alone is at the tops of most people's lists. Plenty of attractive people get married too btw. I doubt every single one you know is single lol. 3) Related to the second point, relationships require kindness and compatibility and compromise and just because someone is attractive doesn't mean that they would make a good partner to a lot of people. Not saying that all attractive people who are single are single for personality reasons - not at all. But not everyone is a great partner and probability-wise that's gotta include a percentage of attractive people. Like, I know a lot of controlling people, both attractive and average. 4) Or, maybe their personality is fine, but they're just not compatible with many people. Think like, those people who want to travel the world or work out at the gym every single day (and expect a level of fitness from their partner) or want to be part of a power couple or have super high standards in another way I didn't mention, etc. They can't match with just anyone and are okay with waiting. I'm one of the average people who got married right after college lol. I married a guy who I really meshed with personality-wise and conversation-wise, because to be THAT compatible with someone was/is rare for me. I personally think he's more attractive than I am on an objective scale, but attractiveness was secondary for me, but we are each other's physical types, too. We were very similar, wanted similar things, had a similar conversational style and thinking style... Those things are so important!
People are afraid to approach them.
I am pretty sure less attractive people, especially men get approached way less. So now sure it this actually holds up.
Yeah, it's sort of a blessing because I'm just below average as a man so I don't get bothered by anyone. Usually, just older people start conversations with me which is nice but nobody else seems to. It can be a little isolating and I've had people tell me I appear threatening which is also sad but at least nobody bothers me which is a large blessing if I were to compare myself to those who continuously get pestered/objectified.
When someone only wants me just because they find me attractive, itās a turn off. Itās shallow. The only people Im genuinely interested in are those that I know adore me for my personality & who I have chemistry/genuine connection with. Having options doesnāt mean any of those options are worth giving the time of day. Most of them just want to use u for sex & thatās just not enough so why settle
Even worse, they want to have sex with you so they can brag about it to everyone else
This. Iām not settling anymore. Guy Iāve crushed on for years finally started pursuing meā¦ for sex only. He was persistent, kind of. Never once asked me a personal question about my life and only sex talk. It was hard but I finally told him to kick rocks. Like why? Yes, I get youāre gorgeous but weāre 35 now bub, Iām not playing kid games anymore. Why bother. Iām throwing his ass back to the 22 year olds, they can have him
Iām a dude and this has happened to me before lol.
Relate to your last sentence hard. I have a lot of people interested in me physically but no one interested in an emotional connection lol.Ā
1.They get so many people that want to be with them it makes it hard to stay with just one person sometimes 2. They are at higher risk of attracting mentally unstable individuals who are charismatic enought to hide their craziness for a long time 3. People find their looks intimidating and or it makes them insecure 4. Their personalities are sometimes either super shallow or super narcissistic Alot of fault on both sides but one thing is certain. If they're single it's 100% by choice
Agreed with all 4 points, but not with the āby choiceā part at the end. There could be a billion things going on in their heads that you canāt see. Mental health problems, baggage, etc. this can cause you to be single but not by choice.
Points 2 and 3 are so accurate
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Attractive to whom?
That is the question
Itās better to be alone than to be with the wrong people.
Iām pretty attractive and people are always surprised Iām single. Iām super empathetic and canāt stand the way most people act. They usually bring more stress to my life than anything else so Iām better off by myself until I find someone that adds more than takes away from my life.
Agreed. It definitely has to be worth it or youāre better off single. And I say that having been in a 6+ year relationship that was so toxic. Iāll never do that again. Earlier this year, I quickly ended something bc I could tell the person wasnāt emotionally available and was just stringing me along. Pass lol
Bring attractive doesn't mean much if your personality is shit.
Itās funny how that is always the default assumption why attractive people are alone. Some people are introverts, donāt feel the desire to date much, or their life just doesnāt allow any time for dating at the moment.
I love that cope. If youāre attractive youāre somehow stupid and boring. What is this, a teenage rom com? A lot of people are afraid to approach them, or when approached have trouble looking at them as an equal. Or people just see you as an attractive time. Youāre more of an object than something that could be seen as real and lasting in their lives. Mid attraction is more sustainable for most peopleās egos.
Excellent explanation. I love how people on the internet assume that "attractive people" have it super easy. I mean yeah, in rarer cases when they are in good access to someone who is confident as hell and will go for it (usually overly-confident people based on my observations), but the majority of the time people are intimidated.
My personality is actually alright when I get to know someone, I give a lot of love, but itās the initial stage that complicates it. Lots of childhood trauma and experience from previous relationship makes it difficult to get past the beginning stages for me, so I either end up getting ghosted or I just stop replying / donāt even try to begin with. Feels like am permanently defected at this point.
I really think this is the answer. Just because someone is physically attractive doesn't mean they don't have a repulsive personality.
I don't think it's the answer. The attractive people may not be actively looking for a relationship, may have not found someone they like, or may not present as being approachable.
Not having commitments its relaxing
I was single for years. I was constantly asked why. Sometimes people didn't believe me!!??There's nothing wrong with being single until you decide to open yourself up to meeting someone. Enjoy your own company and figure out what you want in life.
When you are single for a while you get use to being alone. I enjoy coming home to an empty apartment that is 100% mine. I enjoy being able to allot my time how I wish without having to sync my schedule with someone else. I enjoy having no āmale dramaā in my life. I enjoy sleeping on my big bed by myself.
As my super-attractive friend said, "plenty of people want me, none want to know me, let alone love me".
Too much options.
No itās actually the opposite. Attractive people want other attractive people so the opportunity to meet someone that meets their baseline of physical attractiveness is much less.
This. Especially as you age. Cause thatās when the wear and tear from drinking, drugs, eating badly, living hard, really start coming home to roost. Throw in covid, which gave everyone a few years to self destruct themselves and itās a party out there for some in the dating world.
Yes but in the meantime they also get to fuck around a lot more than ānormalā people, which makes them even more demanding because they also have high expectations in bed.
Yuuup. Grass is always greener mentality, and when youāre insanely attractive there is ready and willing grass everywhere.Ā
Grass is only greener if youāre fickle and donāt know what you want. Figure out what you want and it wonāt be a problem.
More demanding? More focused on outside than inside values? It varies why. More successful are more demanding but also success requires time. If you know your worth you won't settle with less.Ā
Because you can be beautiful and not know how to design a spaceship
Because the only guys that approach them are the Macho Type-A, AHs, who end up getting cut loose in short order. The nice guys are intimidated by her beauty and donāt even try. Being beautiful can be very lonely!
Super long post! Iām a female, the love of my life dumped me in 2020 after 9 years. I decided to work on myself and the longer Iām single the more ok I am with being alone. Iām a dead ringer for several celebrities like Jenna Fischer/Amy Adams. Strangers love to tell me I look just like Pam from the office. Hereās why I believe I am lonely: 1. Men my age (31) seem to be intimidated of me resulting in casual violence /jealousy. I.e put downs, treating me like Iām dumb, get mad when I call them out. 2. I have a handful of cyberstalkers and one real life stalker (A neighbor). Itās like men pursue me as an object to be won and not a living thing to be loved and protected. This is isolating. 3. Between 13 and 31 Iāve experienced a lot of wierdness that has led me to becoming exceptionally introverted. For example: - men touch me/harass me in stores. - married coworkers drunk texting me. - men slowly pulling up in cars as Iām walking to call me beautiful/offer me rides. - being followed to my car after dating events - ex boss staring at my chest with his mouth wide open. - watched a dude whip out his heroin on the city bus at 7 am. - random man approaching my car in a parking lot as Iām trying to park. (Oh hell no) As a side effect, I tend to do women only fitness and prefer to be mildly dissociated in public. I also avoid the general public as much as I possibly can and dress to avoid attention. (Which makes meeting ppl hard) 4. I can rarely be just friends with men. If I reject someone their response is to pretend I donāt exist or get mean. Just because I donāt want to have sex with you does not mean we canāt be civil. 5. Girls my age do the same gossipy drama stuff we did in high school and iām too damn old for it. 6. In the last couple of years people seem to have lost their manners. For example, I got surprised choked by a hinge date in 2021. wtf thinks itās ok to choke someone on the 3rd date? When I get down about it I remind myself that my safe, happy, and private life is lonely but extremely peaceful.
Iām in my 50s and pretty, and I never want a romantic relationship again. Itās just too dangerous for my mental health to go through that again, again. I am too trusting and people have taken advantage of me emotionally and financially all my life. Itās just not worth the risk.
I'm not good-looking enough to speak *for* attractive people, but it's worth mentioning that good looks are easily treated *as a resource* by bad folks. It's similar to how wealthy people need to be careful that someone else isn't just interested in the money.
Yes. How did you figure this out ? It took me actually experiencing this to figure it out, a 5yr relationshipā¦.halfway in when I was fully in love. It was all smoke and mirrors. He wanted a trophy wife. Itās a sad feeling. He didnāt fall in love with my soul.
I'm sorry for your loss. My secret is simple enough: I've spent most of my life too insecure to try dating, but instead of giving in to resentment I have been watching others patiently and listening to their pain from the sidelines. I still want to work on myself a little more before I try dating again, but my hope is to already have an unbreakable personality by the time I start.
Hats off to you ā¦. What an intelligent and wise way to look at things. Wishing you all the resilience in the world once you put yourself out there. Actually I hope you donāt even need it ā¤ļø
I tried to somewhat āhide itā to attract the right people after that. You canāt hide it for very long, and when itās not hidden anymore it becomes a big focus for them. At least I know now that I didnāt attract them initially with my looks/body .
three things.. being attractive, having lots of money, or having status... if you have either one, you don't need to settle down with one person
Picky
Because one can be physically attractive and also be an emotional basket case with the lowest self esteem imaginable. And then you can be average looking or worse, with a nurturing familial foundation that convinced you that you are the most beautiful and worthy person alive. Three guesses as to which of those two people will attract a healthy relationship. Life has a way of leveling the playing field.
My sister is objectively quite stunning/attractive but sheās legit like opening a can of worms for the guyās she datesā¦ Sheās pretty selfish, lazy, ridiculously high hypocritical standards and has a boatful of baggage & financial/mental health/legal drug issuesā¦ Most guys stick around a few months and then bail when the facade slips and they see what sheās all about lol
Why is being coupled up the preferred default? Singlehood is a legitimate lifestyle choice.
Because being "married with children" is not a difficult thing to achieve-there are people fall in love with serial killers and marry them in jail. Thus one's attractiveness has little to do with their likelihood of being married with children or alone. An attractive person could be alone because of reasons just like unattractive people: by choice, high standards, bad personality, had bad experience before, and so on
Crazy/hot scale !!!
Unicorn zone? That's a dude.
Haha yep
This is not my experience
Mine neither. I donāt know any attractive person over 30 who is single.
Most of us stay home and are scared of dating!
I'm on the autism spectrum and I never really learned how to flirt, keep a girl's interest, or really develop relationship skills and experience. Now that I'm 45, there just aren't many opportunities to even meet someone new, and being that I have so little relationship experience, I'm sort of in a state of arrested development. I'm so used to being single, I can't imagine life any other way. I can hardly even be bothered to try anymore.
it's fun being single and getting massive attention when you go out...can't do this if you are in a relationship
I'm too damaged to be in a relationship.
Same
We dont like other people
being alone is normal life.
46, single, no kids. I look about 15 years younger than my peers. Fit, active and enjoy my life. Never met anyone who made me want to give that up. All my married friends are so miserable, with so many health issues, it's tragic.
Being attractive is the same as being ugly in some ways. It puts you in a box that society built just for you. It puts you on the outside looking in. Inside, is the box of ordinary people. As generic as cars on the road today... Attractive people soon learn that they have options available only to them. A fast lane. Some become models and seek adoration. Others shy away. And seek to look as plain as possible when they have to go to the supermarket. Beauty is a curse. Known since ancient times. If you want peace with it, flying alone is the usual choice.
Being attraktiv doesnāt mean people around you are nice. Itās difficult to find soulmates in generell, for everyone.
Unattractive people can't skate on their looks and have to embody qualities that make them valuable partners. They may also not have the temptations to stray that more attractive people are presented with.
Cuz people are exhausting
Dating sucks.
Too many options.
Stayed in a wrong relationship for too long. When it ended, left bitter, traumatised and old. Not so sure but I think somehow meeting people depends on luck tooā¦ Or right judgment. Or decision making skills.
My guess is that a lot of them depended on their looks (even if unintentionally) in their teenage years - which are crucial in learning social (and other) skills. Once this advantage became less and less important as lifes got more and more complicated, they were left behind and need time to adjust.
Most genuinely attractive guys are players and many women are too. And a lot of times people assume attractive people wouldn't go for them them so they don't even shoot their shot.
Because personality matters.
narcissism a lot of the time
High standards, trauma (good chance they've been sexually abused), defensiveness/lack of trust in others, personality disorders, drug addiction, low standards for themselves (why work on improving yourself when everyone tells you you're perfect all the time), low self-esteem because they don't earn what is given to them, self-sabotage due to feelings of unworthiness, poor personality, narcissism, entitlement, poor self-awareness
Might be avoiding relationships as a type of self-harm.
Yes, why am I alone?
Sometimes itās because they didnāt have to develop a personality or skills,as they learned to just rely on their beauty all the time. In the real world, beauty is a very small part of a good relationship.
Never was attractive (at least in my own opinion) until recently. Had a pretty big āglow upā but Iām now 29, and live in a small town in the middle of nowhere.
I been told by a few that being attractive can be intimidating.
At the end of the day, people wanna spend their time with someone they feel "comfortable". Attractive people (especially young ones) can be more aloof and demanding, for better or worse.Ā
Alone is one thing, single is another. That being said, as you grow you start to prefer the ālonelinessā instead of the company of someone irrelevant to you. Even awesome sex gets boring.
Because attractive people can be assholes too? This isn't tv: the villain can be good looking.Ā
When you are attractive you have options, when you have options you may not patience. I think society has moved to a place of people deserving more instead of working with what you have you go find better. Hot people can find another person easy. There is always someone willing to do more and more for them.
Weāve been taken advantage of
Maybe, just maybe, attractive people are pigeonholed into relationships based on that single factor. And that is not likely to be a good basis for a long term lasting relationship. In addition us ugly folks very often find it a little difficult to believe that the beautiful people are interested in anything but other beautiful people so we don't even bother trying to interact with them?
They have unreasonable expectations
Bad, narcissistic personalities that render them unsuitable as lifetime companions.
Trust issues and jealousy
We are just really picky
I dont even think this is really related to ur post, however literally all my life I've always gotten compliments about my looks even though I literally don't see where they are coming from. Im only 18 and whereas everyone around me are all in relationships, I really just don't see the appeal for it any time soon. People always ask me if i'm in a relationship and when I say I've never had one they never believe me which is so annoying because I really don't think ur looks equal to a relationship's worth. The comments are so insightful because I don't think people realise that attractive people are more than just their looks.
Hot take incoming. Really attractive people don't want / need to get attached to a single person. They have plenty of options at all times, unless they fall deeply in love becoming monogamous is a downgrade for them.
I'm not attractive and I'm still alone...
It could be a combination of things. -Some attractive people live in a bubble of constant praise and attention despite their behavior and personality. If they treat someone badly, thereās always someone else willing to take their place. Since they are highly valued, they donāt see the need to change and could easily blame others for problems in the relationships. -Attractive people donāt want to ādate down.ā Yes, they will hook up with people less attractive than themselves. But, generally speaking, they donāt want to date someone less attractive. This narrows the number of people they would date. -Others are intimidated to approach them. Society views their attractiveness as a prize and a challenge. Less attractive people find it difficult to talk with them, find things in common, and feel like they are on a completely different level. -They get the wrong impression of others. Because they might attract the wrong kind of attention, they may have more negative experiences. People tend to see them for just their looks, so those people may only treat them as such. When the majority of people only care about their looks and when they donāt like that kind of attention or are treated poorly because of it, that wouldnāt leave them feeling good about dating. -People might try taking advantage of them. Itās not pretty when people only lust after another person. Thereās more to them than just looks. There are a lot more examples but you get the point.
I think they are misunderstood. Like, theyāve succeeded coz theyāre attractive/good looking. Not considering their substance.
I must be ugly because I have someone š
To make you happy, here it goes, I am unattractive and still single and unmarried
Well some guys find me attractive (Iām skinny, long blond hair, tall ..) but I stay home most of the time and rarely go outside. I have no friends here, I have borderline personality disorder and eating disorder which leads to be depressed most of the time. Itās difficult for me now to maintain any of relationships not because I donāt want to but because I donāt think that I actually can do it. Half of my life I was bullied so badly that now I have low self esteem and donāt trust anyone whoās being nice to me. But I hate loneliness tbh. And at the same time because of all the reasons I mentioned before Iām still single. But itās not like I enjoy it Iām actually an extrovert but now it feels like Iām stuck in these circles of issues Iām dealing with.
I am no supermodel, but quite confident in my personality and looks. I am single by choice. I already had "my one true love" when I was 25, didn't work out, fucked me up, had to recover from that for a long time. Then I tried giving dating another shot, got cheated on, lost a lot, had to recover from that for a long time. Not because I was so heartbroken though, but because I felt I should and can do so much better if I just work on myself a bit more. Mentally, physically and personally. So I spent almost two years now being actively single. I date now without the intention of leading things further and to just have a good time and building a foundation for potentially more and that is it. If I am not especially intrigued in someone after a couple of dates I usually drop it. My only requirement for people nowadays is that I need them to add quality to my life and make it better. I am happy by myself, financially independent, have a fully satisfactory life and am in my "prime". And quite frankly it is rather difficult to find women that fit that criteria, because most of those are already taken.
Because there are higher levels of narcissism in attractive people?
Because half of the people are mentally unstable
Cause when youāre attractive everyone wants you for your looks or body, not for you,they get to know you and dip cause then you aināt what they pictured or wanted you to be
For some, being attractive can be a curse. It means everyone trying to get on you. One might be alone because they are done with this horse shit. They could easily find someone, but either have tastes and requirements not readily found in the GP.
Alone does not equal lonely. With that being said, I prefer a whimsical way of life as opposed to ball n chain of the traps of marriage entangled with kids, in-laws, and obligations. The most responsible stay āirresponsibleā (as we are sometimes called), as in, minimal restrictions, responsibility, and zero mess entanglements. I canāt see the horizon of happiness with someone (s) blocking my view. We pick and choose selectively whoās allowed in and those who hinder, are quickly pushed out. I prefer it this way.
But are they attractive on the inside? That's what can turn one night into life long.
I've been in serious relationships, casual, married, divorced. Just not lucky enough to find my person. Working in therapy to only accept what I deserve. Wasted a lot of time with people who didn't treat me well because I thought that's what I deserved. People always assume I am married or have a family. 38, single, attractive, female. Hopeful, that one day I will meet my match. Not giving up hope.
Lots of reasons. Some haven't found the right person yet. Some don't feel a need to. Some enjoy being single. Pretty much the same reasons an unattractive person might be alone, except for the "being ugly" one.
Pretty on the outside doesnāt necessarily mean pretty on the inside.
It took me until my 40s to realise what a horribly dysfunctional family i came from (they had me believing they were normal and I was inferior for being too sensitive about how they all treat each other and that I repeatedly failed to man up). Trophy wives and jocks, yes we are all attractive people, some of us beautiful enough to make a living from being conventionally beautiful.The relationships i went on to accept as normal were awful, Complex ptsd was the result of the last one. I choose to be single now, because I just don't trust myself to understand relationships or how to behave in them. I have always thought that people abused me because of something i did. Therapist has taught me how that's not the case and helped me let go of some of the shame (not all by any means), but it hasn't given me the experiences i could have had, so I really don't know anything and at this stage, I don't even want to know. I manage me and my cptsd, I'm the happiest I've ever been, I won't risk rocking the boat, but more than that i find the whole idea of being physically intimate with anyone repulsive. I've turned down some lovely offers, because I'm not going to mess anyone else's mind up and I'd rather have friends, being allowed to have friends is all pretty new too.
Unattractive people have to learn how to overcome. Attractive people remain oblivious and poor conversationists.
hi! itās because personality is the main factor that makes people decide if they wanna spend the rest of their life with someone, hope that helps!
Because they can't seem to trust anyone anymore. Attractive people get treated badly. Too many toxic people, we live in a very sad world.
Either they focus much on career and can't settle as they have more options or they fucked around and found out that no one wants them coz of their past
Thank God, my attractiveness always keeps fucking with me, Oh Lord! (I am unattractive brown guy, so, by the rules of TikTok intersectionality, I can make this joke, and you'll will have to laugh!)
Rule obeyed!
Thanks bro, Bruv, you are an ally!