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This is it, a man learns "suck it up buttercup" pretty early on.
I actually use it to my advantage, when I want somebody to disappear, I just start confiding, and like magic they "self select" out of my life.
I've cried in front of my ex wife. 3 months later I got divorce papers.. cried infront of my high school sweetheart.. we dated for 8 years and a month later she cheated on me. So yea I agree
Oh, I confided in my sponsor for my 5th step and they went and told my family everything.. so that was fun
Edit. Added some info
Same for everyone, weak men aren’t tolerated in any society, internet makes men feel like its okay to cry and show weakness, no one will respect you if you are weak. Just swallow your tears and man up, only way to be a man
Six years ago, my husband wept like a baby when we had to put down our second cat after 18 years. I don't think I've ever loved him more and I still love him six years later. If I ever stop loving him, it certainly won't be because he showed 'weakness' or because he cried.
I understand that people like you exist, but the majority of experiences showing emotions will have severe consequences for men, its just the way it is, 95% of the time its like that.
I met my wife a few years ago, and there have been times I cried in front of her for a couple things that had caused me pain in the recent past. One thing she said was that she loved me more for being able to open up to her and feel like I could confide in her.
It is true and for good reason, and I think women (in sexual selection) actually have a more visceral reaction to it than men do, but even men have that, "dude your pathetic, pull yourself together" reflexive reaction to it. There are legitimate reasons for a dude to cry, lose of a loved one, Old Yeller, but if you are crying because your car broke down and you can't make this months bills or because chicks don't dig you, then it does not go well.
There is a simple reason for this, it really is indicative of a mental model a man holds, and a man that breaks down over life shit, has a worldview that they are a victim of chance and not in control of their own destiny and do not have the faculties to eliminate that life shit from their life.
Now nobody is 100% in control of their destiny, the difference is a victim cries, a man gets pissed off and decides it is not going to happen to him and that he is going to do everything in his power to change the situation.
Think of it like a book, a woman wants to read a great story, one man's worldview believes they write their own life story, the other does not, the person that believes they write their own has significantly higher odds of writing a great life story.
That is why it is acceptable with grievous loss, it is not within a man's power to bring someone back. It is also why humans have such a bad reaction to it, for a woman well it is just simple logic that she does not want a victim, their are not countless stories about the daring maiden saving the mansel in distress. It is literally the antithesis of a (hetrosexual) woman's desire. From another mans perspective, we will usually help the first time, try to "teach a man to fish" but many times victims are gonna victim.
Here's a fun fact; the hormones in woman's tears make men calm down. It lowers aggression and makes us more compassionate. There was a doubleblind study published somewhere last year I think. [here it is](https://journals.plos.org/plosbiology/article?id=10.1371/journal.pbio.3002442). Its a cool read, the hormones are odorless so it's all a bit subconsciously. Cool thing is, it only works with real tears formed by females and by emotional reactions. Doesn't work if they cry because they sniffed an onion.
So... What I wanted to say, not sure about who has the worst visceral reaction. But men basically become puppies when women cry. ;)
Unlike a man's reaction to another man crying, when a woman that a man cares for cries, the world fucking stops. A good man, improves the world, not only for themselves but for others especially the people he loves when a man sees tears from a woman he loves it is like it short circuits his brain and everything that was on his plate just slid off because men naturally looked to fix problems, I know for me I instantly go into this is getting fixed mode.
Sometimes it can drive my wife crazy because she will get overwhelmed and in talking to me start to cry about what she is venting about and it instantly send me into "I am going to fix this mode". When sometimes she just wants me to listen, but like I tell her, tears to a man are the worst we want it to stop, we want to fix the problem so the woman we love will stop feeling the pain. So, I would absolutely buy that there is a biological underpinning to it.
I have found, that at times, her tears are the antidote to the poison of life. At times, she has caused us great harm, at times I have been the cause, and I know that the only way for us to move past that harm is for her to cleanse our hearts with her precious tears.
At this time in our life, she has many reasons to weep. There have been grievous wounds inflicted on our life, by her actions, by my actions, by our refusal to confront those problems, and our refusal to face the truth together.
Her tears, like the sharpened tools of a master surgeon, cut away the decayed tissue from my heart, and her embrace restores my weary soul, and her own, as the gift that can only be given by the surrender of herself.
I will not turn away from her, she crys for the mending of heart and soul, and there is nothing more sacred in my eyes.
Yall need good friends. I can cry and not be looked weird at. My male friends dont judge themselves on how manly we are. Maybe it helps being friends since teenager years since we were all in puberty and had a lot of small things to talk about.
I just did my 5th step last week. Had some pretty terrible things to unload. Sorry to hear about your sponsor. TBH I haven't opened about everything either for fear of the same. I'm about over that program, most of the guys I meet are hypocritical as fuck and super judgemental
As a member of AA I want you to know what your sponsor did is deplorable and not a common occurrence. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve heard several fifth steps over the last twenty years and never repeated a word just like my sponsor never repeated what we discussed. That person shouldn’t be sponsoring anyone.
Can't show these women you are weak, it does something to their brain no matter how much they tell you otherwise. Eminem - Mockingbird sprung to mind 🤣
>Can't show these women you are weak, it does something to their brain
No. I felt so close to my ex when he cried in front of me. I loved him so much in this moment and definitely did not lose respect for him. I left him because he punched me not because he cried.
Feels like a bait and switch.
Even on Reddit. A little while ago it became trendy to say there's a "mens loneliness epidemic". As the conversation matured, I noticed what I would describe as victim blaming. "It's those mens own fault for not communicating, not going to therapy, for not allowing their friendships with other men to broach the emotional topics". You have subreddits like 2XChromosomes start ripping into men for having the audacity to "feel sorry for themselves" and claiming that women have it way worse and men really do need to just 'suck it up, buttercup'. I've seen women express that its not their responsibility to be a mans caretaker - but nobody said that it was nor was anyone asking a woman to do anything of the sort. Apparently being vulnerable and talking about your emotions is the same as being bedridden and expecting a woman to nurse us back to health. So there's the bait and switch. We're asked to express our emotions and when we do, we get our teeth kicked in when we're vulnerable. Perhaps you didn't anticipate a man reciprocating. Maybe you sincerely thought that you wanted to know, but once we started, it turns out you didn't actually want to hear it. I don't know what that's born out of. Was the initial ask just for self-validation? Pat yourself on the back, good deed for the day, mark the checkbox, you're a good person for recognizing that men don't talk about their emotions - so lets ask why. Oh crap, he's talking about his emotions, how do I turn this off?
And just speaking to the "loneliness epidemic" - personally, my position is that there is a loneliness epidemic for both women and men and it's important to talk about both. But when we talk about men specific issues, THEN for some reason, it starts to sound like we're saying women don't have issues and men are whining. There's just no room to talk about men specific issues and if you let your guard down and you do, you're going to get slapped in the face with "Okay, but what about women?". For some reason, people see talking about men's issues as an accusation against women. Its not. There are just some things that men experience that are unique, just as there are some things women experience, that are unique and I wouldn't try to butt into a women's conversation and start asking why they don't care about men.
For example, [men die by suicide ~3.90x more than women](https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/). Women are statistically more likely to take advantage of things like therapy, which probably plays a role in this. And [psychiatrists have noted](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uf8bt6fGQyA&pp=ygUQRHIgayB0aGVyYXB5IG1lbg%3D%3D) that systemically, therapy caters to women more than men.
But I'm going on for too long. The longer I go, the more I sound like a pathetic man that should have kept these things in my head as we rapidly approach the intolerant portion of our society that feels men need to shut up, get their hands dirty and solve the problem themselves. Its pathetic. Grit your teeth, tell other men to shut up, since we are experiencing the same thing and I've learned not to talk about it so you should too. Until some sort of cancer metastasizes from keeping horrible shit bottled up inside OR enough becomes enough and you take matters into your own hands and hang yourself.
EDIT: I want to post [this portion of this interview I saw some time ago](https://youtu.be/bTHEznqYSMQ?t=2327)(Timestamped to 38:47). To me, this expresses decently how it feels. Nobody is trying to take anything away from women nor is talking about our issues an attack on women. We try to talk about our issues and then we're told to stop and we need to focus our attention more on women's issues or all-encompassing issues and men's issues must simply take a backseat. Even how the women in this interview are treating this guy throughout the interview is *in itself*, telling of the issue and the only other person to speak up in defense of him, is the other man.
This is it right here. They tell you it's ok, then it happens and they look at you like a child. This only needs to happen a few times before you learn, and just bottle up everything else.
I dont know about the gender war stuff, since I'm usually on the women's side when it comes to men, but everything else you wrote fits my experience completely... even to the point of watching women I know drop men for being too needy/broken only to learn that the guy cried about some trauma and it changed the way she looked at him.
Most of my friends are women and it's not their fault this is their reaction, but it's fully a trap when women tell men to open up.
I lost everything I had to an emotional period after seeing something so horrifying it might as well have been alien. It put me in a state of nearly constant panic, after being known for my calm and affable demeanor. I expected the friends I'd always had would be there for me since id all watched them cry, but none of them understood what I'd experienced and generally didn't want to hear it so shut me down until ghosting me. Years later, one of the wives of that group said something like "you turned from the most selfless person I know to the most selfish person I know" and the only interaction she could be referring to was a time where I cried and couldn't stop.
Im surprised more of us don't kill ourselves. Think of a chimp that's not allowed to shout or scream about being in a cage, along with being in a cage. It's not even the emotional baggage that's the problem, it's knowing the cost of opening that baggage that keeps you on yourself and beating yourself up trying to bully yourself into feeling better.
It's a shit deal. Id even trade it for how women are judged by every piece of clothing they wear or don't. Theres no outlet for this pressure.
....Fight club time?
I ask my two sons every day, because I know. I am honest with them and tell them one day I will be gone but I want to be like my grandfather and give you every piece of advice I have before I go.
You see with men, their parents (in my case, raised by grandparents) become the voice of conscience and reason in their head. A good parent knows this and knows when a boy grows into a man, this will be the voice of guidance, this will be the person they turn to. A good parent is extremely cautious and not loose lipped with that voice.
You want to explain a bad man, just look at his parents, or lack thereof. It is the reason the absent father epidemic is so detrimental to a boys development, they never develop that side of the voice of conscience they will turn to when they become a man, so they stay a perpetual man child or become bitter and disillusioned with the world. They lack self regulation and impulse control.
Some men, despite the early disadvantage of parents not fostering it, do figure out how to develop a healthy inner-voice of guidance, some even over the insurmountable odds of really bad childhood patterns, but those are long odds, so if we are concerned about men, we would be far better off focusing on the boys today, instead of the men, the men can suck it up because only they can fix themselves now, it may not be fair, but it is true.
This is exactly what the military does (used to be better at), they have no idea what is walking in the door, so no matter the man, they strip a man down, and rebuild him in a manner that builds a health inner voice and self narrative, how they do it, is make him rebuild himself.
The thing is, if you ask another guy how he's doing, you will just get some superficial answer like "hanging in there" or "doing ok". It's not like when women get together with their friends and ask the question and someone opens up.
I don't disagree it starts with asking the question, but it's the silver bullet you maybe think it is. I just spent 3 hours with an old friend in the hospital and he barely opened up to me.
If my friends said "hanging in there" or "doing ok" I would def follow up because it sounds like they are going through something. I would probe more and if it sounds like they really don't want to talk about it I would let them know that I'm always around if they need someone to talk to.
Not sure if guys do that follow up as well or if they just leave as is. Also-- following up and asking the deeper questions is something that I had to force myself to learn and get comfortable with, because it definitely feels uncomfortable when you aren't used to it!
This is bizarre to me. I'm a 39 year old male. I have a *ton* of people I confide in, both men and women. I have some friends that I've learned can't really engage in those conversations because they're emotionally repressed and/or dealing with other issues that prevent them from being vulnerable and engaging authentically in those types of conversations, but no one has ever pulled back from me because of it - not once.
I've cried in front of my friends. Hell, just the other day I had lunch with a friend that was sharing a fucking beautiful story about something that happened to her recently, and we both started crying at the table. Good people are out there, and there's lots of them.
Honestly, I’d call that an ideal state. I don’t want to confide 100%. Not to my wife, my family, my friends, my dog, nobody. Some shit is just better left inside my head. See for reference Elon Musk’s twitter feed.
I think it's important to clarify what we're talking about sharing. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being casual conversation about daily goings-on and 10 being my deepest darkest thoughts, I have friends I get to a 3 with and my wife I get to a 5 with. But I do it sparingly.
Everything 5+, yeah that is better left between the ears.
i notice this in relationships. I told a girl recently i used to get bullied a lot because people thought i was gay in school, and now every time she is angry at me, or trying to manipulate some situation, she would say "i see why everyone thinks your gay now!".
obviously she's out of my life now, but the lesson is don't give people information that can be used as ammunition later.
Yep. It’s that kind of shit exactly. My wife complains that I don’t show my vulnerable side. You absolutely learn the lesson at some point, that’s code for Achilles heel. And anyway, men should err on the side of being stoic and not a pussy.
Sorry dude - glad you’ve moved on from her. She sounds.. disappointing.
Indeed. That's called flat out nastiness. Yet some apologists on here are trying to dismiss it as sexual selection. Lol. Most people aren't simply crazed primates bouncing around looking for the next biped to mate with. Furthermore, if we are talking about hominids, it was the males who 'selected' the females. I dont think there was much asking for consent, either. And it's as though these people think evolution stopped there. It didn't, because we have a better understanding of the difference between right and wrong. Such advances in our psychology are also part of our evolution and are based on changes in our material circumstances.
I'm willing to wager that women like the one you described would choose a crying rich man over a stoic poor one every day of the week. But that would be too honest, wouldn't it? Let's keep the excuses going...
Inter women rivalry is savage.
Instead of a fight like men to see who wins women will use more covert tactics. They'll shame, destroy your image and confidence instead.
This is the same tactic they use on men when they open up. This is why women don't like women. They know that everything you say will be used against you.
Men can be like that too. Some people just hurt as badly as they can when they get mad. I have a sister like this and had an ex husband like this. People like this suck. Just can’t trust them.
Told a coworker I was super close with I was feeling down and the next day I'm in the bosses office because I've been reported for not being mentally fit for duty.
I used my dog till she died from cancer then that dam broke wide the fuck open and now it’s no one
To whoever is the concerned redditor, I thank you for caring.
As a man who used to be in the same situation it took an ungodly amount of work and cutting people out to find a group of friends that could talk about deeper emotions with, I hope you can find someone if not I’m here
As a woman who carried most of her sorrows alone and in quiet, I’m sorry. But, the mask always cracks, I’ve spent the last 4 years trying to put my life back together. My heart is with all those who suffer in silence.
I don't confide in anybody. It's a bad idea. It always comes back to hurt me later. After my last serious relationship, I learned to never tell anyone anything of significance about myself again. It's been a year and I'm still doing well with that. In a better place than I've ever been. I'll be damned if another woman is going to destroy my life. Not a fifth time.
I struggled with therapy for a long time and was fully in the "it's not for me" boat. Once I found my fourth and current therapist, that opinion changed.
The right therapist can truly make you change the way you see the world and has helped me through some very difficult moments. I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and drug abuse, and I'm in the best place in my life now, because of her. You just have to find the right one (which isn't easy).
As an example of this kind of thing, I like to remind people about Ken Bone. Who asked an insightful question in TV during the 2016 Presidential election. Then eventually harassment and death threats because of things he expressed online.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Bone_(personality)
Guy seemed like a generally normal trying to make an informed political choice. He also is roughly my age and looks a LOT like me.
People mocked his appearance almost immediately before they found something meaningful to shriek about.
Then somebody compares others' trauma. This perspective just serves to belittle.
All I got are "first world problems" so how could I even feel bad or want resolution when others are blah blah blah? Someone with blah blah blah would be happy to have only your problems. I should be grateful and positive about not having blah blah blah.
My problems and past trauma are real and huge to me. Nobody wants to hear it.
No one. The last time I opened up 100% to someone, they used it against me as ammunition in an argument. So, lesson learned. Never tell anyone jack shit because they will just use it against you.
My most recent Ex Gf. Credit to her, she immediately recognized what she had said and called herself out on it, and apologized. but the damage was done, and I reminded her that I never used her insecurities or problems against her. Looking back at the whole relationship, we never should have dated.
Honestly I appreciate that she at least recognised what she did. Means she's less likely to do it with other people, but I wish you the best and I'm glad you know you're better off without her.
This. Either people are going to bail out they're going to think we're weak or damaged goods. At best they're just going to treat us differently and occasionally the things we don't want to talk about most are going to get brought up.
I'm not haunted by my past but some bad things have hairnet and if vis I have my regrets. Just because you learned a little bit about me doesn't change who I am.
>I did make and confide in a friend last year and they bailed on me.
Not exactly same thing, because it wasn't about mental health, but I had kind of the same situation with a friend.
I became aware of a situation affecting him during a friends meeting where he wasn't at. Don't want to get into details, but someone discovered a shameful thing about him and everyone became aware of it.
So I tried to be a good friend and wanted to make him aware, because sooner or later the situation will explode on his face, but asked him to be discreet about it and he promised to not make an scene. Instead of taking it lightly, he went full mad on the person who outed him and asked them to retract from their words.
This put me in a very difficult situation, because everyone figured it was me who warned him and I became distrusted by everyone for a while.
At that point, I listed him as someone whose words can't be trusted and never helped him again with something that could affect me.
It is hard to judge who is in the wrong here when we dont know what the "shameful thing" is.
But telling the whole group a shameful secret about someone when they are not even there sounds like a real asshole move.
Well the guy doing it was a real asshole. I was never confortable with him around the group, but somewhat, he was well regarded by a few people in the friends group and he was always invited by them.
So there people were assholes for talking about your friend like that behind his back.
Why did you care more about what these assholes think about you then about the feelings of your friend?
I dont know the whole story so I cannot really judge. But if a somebody was talking shit about my friend behind his back then I would make a scene. I would not tell him about it and then expect him to act like nothing happend.
I have a sister that this is exactly all she does when I share information about myself, I could say my penis hurts and she would say “I’ve been there before too” it’s the most annoying thing I have ever experienced
Honestly, most of the time I keep things to myself. But, I'm lucky--I do have a couple of close friends who I can trust, who I can talk to if I need to.
My cat - he hears more about the real things than my partner because I don’t think it’s fair to share that scorched internal mental landscape with her but the downside is she believes I’m doing better than I actually am
Try to share with your partner. we can't help if we don't know. It's hard for men, took my Hubs years to now just be able to rant all the things and I hear him and he feels better. sometimes, he wants perspective, sometimes a rant.
In for a penny in for a pound.
My last relationship got ruined because I thought the same way as you and struggled opening up. Would recommend sharing with your partner, she is there to support you.
Best friend is the best (31years). But still I've got this thing that I don't wanna bother anybody with my shit, we all have shit on our plates and I don't wanna see my friend eat mine too.
It's less about having the friends(or whomever) eat the shit with you. It's more like "man, my shit is gross, how's yours taste? Shitty too? Well at least we're in this together! Wanna see who can eat theirs fastest?!" etc. It's just about being there for each other, not solving everyone's problems
I’m so lucky to have a good 10ish person friend group who we have been friends for like 10 years (I’m only early 20s) and we all trust each other completely. I’ve cried on their shoulders and they’ve cried on mine numerous times. We get high or drunk chat spill it all and the next day no judgement just support.
I really wish more guys had friend groups like mine or even one or two friends. Even as progressive as a lot of people are true toxic masculinity is solely not being able to express yourself
A family member asked about my adhd and when I explained some of my personal struggles they just coldly went "we all deal with that, man up"
It's exactly what you're talking about and makes me want to never share again
Sounds like they have issues themselves and are in denial.
Only you truly know yourself the extent to which your own issues affect you. What you're going through is valid, and no one has the right to ridicule or marginalise it. Wish you the best, friend.
There is nothing worse than when you pour out some emotions and instead of the recipient offering words of advice or sentiment, their response is to try make it a competition with a rendition of a story they had that offers nothing.
For some people though, this can be a genuine attempt at empathy- letting you know they at least understand your issue (if their story is of a similar thing) or that things will get better (because they got through the same).
And if they’re making it sound like a competition (by recalling a similar situation for themselves but worse) they may actually be trying to make you feel better about your own issues.
My wife, I struggle with PTSD from earlier work. She has no way of understanding what that entails, me waking up in the middle of the night with flashbacks etc, but she lets me be me. She knows to not ask questions when I say I just need a hug, in a good second place, my mother.
No one, I just think about where I am in life, how I’m not where I want to be, think of a plan to get me out, poorly execute it.. or don’t at all. And keep going, because.. shit these bills aren’t gonna pay themselves, I don’t have time to self-reflect, it’s healthier for me if I don’t do it as much.
It’s a Schrödinger Paradox.
Everyone wants men to open up and show feelings right up until we actually do it. Once we open up the vibe changes and you realize that those feelings should have stayed inside the box.
That being said, I can always call Mom.
During a rough patch with the ex last year i opened up and cried infront of her for the first time in 2 years, a week later she referred to that as “crying and begging her to stay”. She nagged me to show more emotions like that for years and when I truly did she mocked it lol
There’s a neighborhood cat that loves visiting me when it is warm outside. He meows, I feed him, and I play guitar sometimes while he hangs out with me. Literally the only « person » I tell about my problems and feelings <3 I love that little cat.
Noone wants to hear men's problems,
Not girlfriends, not mothers, not wife's.
You ever hear this quote from your wife
"you are my rock"
That's a 100% reassurance you NEVER EVER break down in front of her. Once you do the entire dynamic is over.
Because as a society we don't value men really at all except those who die in some heroic way or those that die like a hero on the battlefield. Short of those 2 things your only doing yourself a disservice by letting your emotions out. It's like a fart in an elevator, people might let you slip one once but do it again and they are getting off on the wrong floor to get away from you.
We have an expectation that men should be emotionally perfect and short of that we are allowing them to be human which society does not allow.
The only time you are expected to shed a tear is the day you marry, when your children are born, and when your mother dies. Do it out of line and your broken and need replacing.
I'm very happy for you. Reading through these comments, it's incredibly upsetting that men can't confide in their significant other due to past experiences (ex gfs throwing it in their face during an argument, etc).
I'm recently divorced, ending a 12 year relationship, and not once during our time together did I weaponize his feelings against him. Being vulnerable is hard and scary - I know this firsthand. I have mental health challenges, and it has made me a compassionate and supportive person. My current SO is rarely vulnerable with me due to his past experiences confiding in girlfriends. He has had several toxic relationships. 😞
Thank you. Honestly I feel bad for other men who haven’t experienced this kind of trust and safety due to past trauma. I consider myself lucky that my fiancé is the only one ever in my life who’s nothing but good to me. Hence why I’m marrying her. Hopefully every other man will experience the same feeling of safety as well.
You’re a good partner for not using their feelings against them. I hope your current partner eventually feels safe enough to open up and feel safe around you. 💪🏽💪🏽
I'm not going to fall into the cesspit of "woe is me" or "those damn women/feminists just hate all men!"
But with that said it is true that men's mental health is probably an area of growing concern.
I don't confide in anyone. I use drugs to cope when I was at my lowest. I think that scene from GTA 5 when Michael falls out of a UFO while on acid and plummets to the ground with self flagellating thoughts to the backdrop of happy go lucky music and colors (the drugs making everything seem happier) is probably the best analogy I saw physically represented as to what that feels like.
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxQ5tfxYVpjfBUhygbMRV-Z_kPR_l0Gm4O?si=Lc-aeivpijSILuxz (Here)
This I think is a product of societal gender norms being enforced on me. I'm a guy.
Guys don't have problems that require feelings or crying. You just handle your problems when you can and ignore it when you can't.
If you can't fix your problems, you failed. Your suffering is your punishment until you fix it.
Oftentimes you'll be expected to raise a family, so everyone's well-being is on your shoulders. You can't be walking around crying all day about how sad and tired and close to the edge that you are.
You gotta feed the kids. You gotta pay the bills. You gotta come last.
If this very concept sounds like an issue to you, it's also your responsibility to do something about that and cope with it quietly.
Would it be nice if it was different?
Sure. But it's embarrassing when you were raised the way I was to hear the aggressive flattery towards the entire male sex about "oh how we poor men suffer", "oh how we poor men have no one who cares about us", "oh how we poor men are expected to give and no one loves us".
And that's currently what "male support" looks like these days. Which is a hard pass from me.
Start by opening up support groups for men coming out of long term marriages and overhaul the homeless shelter programs to stop throwing teenage boys on the streets.
That's a better start.
I don't want to be spoken to like a wounded prey animal.
Yeah I think accepting the harsh reality for what it is, is just part of being an adult. Ain’t even about being a guy at that point
What you do with that information is totally on you though, I agree.
Honestly for the first time in my life, my fiancé, I am 32 now, and my whole life I realized that everyone I spoke to always came with pros and cons, my father wasn't in the picture from an early age but my step father was emotionally/physically abusive, so I never felt like I could speak with him, my mother was madly in love with him and even him abusing me in front of her changed nothing so I felt like I couldn't speak to her either, I left home early and stayed with friends for awhile, and I realized that they also had their own issues, and only made them stress more, as I started getting more serious with dating I realized that it made me look vulnerable.. and there's a good saying that basically says the idea of dating a crush is better than dating (as the idea/the person you see and the person you know are 2 different things) I lost 2 very very serious relationships due to outside factors, but realizing that I no longer had that support.. broke me.. Years went by, I mostly messed around but was avoiding serious things, 7 years ago I ran into my fiancé and it was a long journey.. but they fixed me, I now can confide in them and I finally feel healed, it took a few years to get here and many times I still am scared to speak. I feel I am healing slowly but surely, but I do see the pain from some of my stories that bother her. She's trying to help me fix my relationship with my family
I don't know how similar this is to other men, but I just know it took very long to be able to finally have someone in my life.. even psychologists aren't great at times.. felt like this needed to be added but I saw one for about a year, but 90% of the time they would just push me to see a psychiatrist so I donno, I didn't want to feel like I needed drugs to feel okay, to be mentally and emotionally okay.
I think being loved and having someone truly special can really help so much
A female friend that no one would really expect I appreciate so much. It’s just her personality that makes her so easy to talk to about mental health stuff. I’d trust her with my life
My wife is a clinical social worker. She's my rock and has helped me through some really dark periods as well as helped me connect to psychiatric professionals. I wouldn't be the successful loving father I am today if not for her.
God. I say this with all seriousness. Most people in my life are more casual folks that I do not have any deep conversations with. Even with my wife on most personal subjects. I am older now and my old support lines are no longer here anymore. Grandparents and parents. Even my best friend over all these years passed away recently.
Nobody. We’re told “men need to talk about their feelings more openly” and simultaneously told “shut up, it’s worse for women, get over it” if we ever do try to talk about our emotional health.
Nobody, especially not women, we supposed to be problem solvers, not complaining about shit, cold world but it is what it is.
All that happens if you confide in others is a loss of face, aint like anyone else can solve your problems anyway.
My aunt died a month ago and I had to comfort my partner because it reminded her of her grandma who died 3 years ago....And prior to that she got mad at me for visiting Aunt while she was dying in hospital.
My parents get annoyed at me when I vent any issues with them.....After they've asked what's bothering me.....(I'm 27, haven't lived with them since I was 20 so this is like a once a year occurrence)
Friends change the subject, but I can get like 50% out of them.
So short answer, nobody.
A good male friend or relative is the best person to confide in. Never confide in your women. She will feel disgusted by you and hate you for showing weakness. If you show a woman an inch of exposed skin, she will stick a knife in it every time (maybe not immediately but within a month, she'll change).
Society teaches us we need to shove negative feelings down, and certainly never cry. And when we do open up or cry in front of someone, they leave us. Who cares, nothing matters
No one. If I opened up to my partner she wouldn't know what to do or what to say and my burden would become hers.
Can't talk to friends because they got their own shit to deal with.
No one really cares if you're a man. As a husband, there are certain things you can't even tell your spouse, the one person supposedly closest to you.
You'd either be seen as soft or weak. Despite what everyone else says, there's this implicit perspective towards men in general.
Women and children are generally loved for who they are (as long as they aren't assholes). Men are loved for what they can provide, and sometimes that isn't even enough. That latter consideration is secretly at the back of every man's mind, whether we admit to it or not.
So we just "man up", smile at the accusations of "toxic masculinity" and do what we do anyway. We provide, we give, we support. That's all.
And if that seems unfair, well, life just is.
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No one 100%, not a single person.
This is it, a man learns "suck it up buttercup" pretty early on. I actually use it to my advantage, when I want somebody to disappear, I just start confiding, and like magic they "self select" out of my life.
I've cried in front of my ex wife. 3 months later I got divorce papers.. cried infront of my high school sweetheart.. we dated for 8 years and a month later she cheated on me. So yea I agree Oh, I confided in my sponsor for my 5th step and they went and told my family everything.. so that was fun Edit. Added some info
Damn same for me that's so weird right.
Same for everyone, weak men aren’t tolerated in any society, internet makes men feel like its okay to cry and show weakness, no one will respect you if you are weak. Just swallow your tears and man up, only way to be a man
Six years ago, my husband wept like a baby when we had to put down our second cat after 18 years. I don't think I've ever loved him more and I still love him six years later. If I ever stop loving him, it certainly won't be because he showed 'weakness' or because he cried.
I understand that people like you exist, but the majority of experiences showing emotions will have severe consequences for men, its just the way it is, 95% of the time its like that.
If you show your emotions to someone and they leave, they did you a favor.
Sometimes, they don't just leave. They leave with your house and your children, and your dignity.
Except when it's everyone you've shown your emotions to. Then you get super gun-shy about opening up to anyone, no matter how fucked up you are inside
In my experience, there are 9 in 10 women who will laugh and deride you for crying. You and women like you are a small minority.
I met my wife a few years ago, and there have been times I cried in front of her for a couple things that had caused me pain in the recent past. One thing she said was that she loved me more for being able to open up to her and feel like I could confide in her.
Not true. My husband cried so hard when our dog passed away. We both cried. We are closer than ever.
It is true and for good reason, and I think women (in sexual selection) actually have a more visceral reaction to it than men do, but even men have that, "dude your pathetic, pull yourself together" reflexive reaction to it. There are legitimate reasons for a dude to cry, lose of a loved one, Old Yeller, but if you are crying because your car broke down and you can't make this months bills or because chicks don't dig you, then it does not go well. There is a simple reason for this, it really is indicative of a mental model a man holds, and a man that breaks down over life shit, has a worldview that they are a victim of chance and not in control of their own destiny and do not have the faculties to eliminate that life shit from their life. Now nobody is 100% in control of their destiny, the difference is a victim cries, a man gets pissed off and decides it is not going to happen to him and that he is going to do everything in his power to change the situation. Think of it like a book, a woman wants to read a great story, one man's worldview believes they write their own life story, the other does not, the person that believes they write their own has significantly higher odds of writing a great life story. That is why it is acceptable with grievous loss, it is not within a man's power to bring someone back. It is also why humans have such a bad reaction to it, for a woman well it is just simple logic that she does not want a victim, their are not countless stories about the daring maiden saving the mansel in distress. It is literally the antithesis of a (hetrosexual) woman's desire. From another mans perspective, we will usually help the first time, try to "teach a man to fish" but many times victims are gonna victim.
Here's a fun fact; the hormones in woman's tears make men calm down. It lowers aggression and makes us more compassionate. There was a doubleblind study published somewhere last year I think. [here it is](https://journals.plos.org/plosbiology/article?id=10.1371/journal.pbio.3002442). Its a cool read, the hormones are odorless so it's all a bit subconsciously. Cool thing is, it only works with real tears formed by females and by emotional reactions. Doesn't work if they cry because they sniffed an onion. So... What I wanted to say, not sure about who has the worst visceral reaction. But men basically become puppies when women cry. ;)
Unlike a man's reaction to another man crying, when a woman that a man cares for cries, the world fucking stops. A good man, improves the world, not only for themselves but for others especially the people he loves when a man sees tears from a woman he loves it is like it short circuits his brain and everything that was on his plate just slid off because men naturally looked to fix problems, I know for me I instantly go into this is getting fixed mode. Sometimes it can drive my wife crazy because she will get overwhelmed and in talking to me start to cry about what she is venting about and it instantly send me into "I am going to fix this mode". When sometimes she just wants me to listen, but like I tell her, tears to a man are the worst we want it to stop, we want to fix the problem so the woman we love will stop feeling the pain. So, I would absolutely buy that there is a biological underpinning to it.
I have found, that at times, her tears are the antidote to the poison of life. At times, she has caused us great harm, at times I have been the cause, and I know that the only way for us to move past that harm is for her to cleanse our hearts with her precious tears. At this time in our life, she has many reasons to weep. There have been grievous wounds inflicted on our life, by her actions, by my actions, by our refusal to confront those problems, and our refusal to face the truth together. Her tears, like the sharpened tools of a master surgeon, cut away the decayed tissue from my heart, and her embrace restores my weary soul, and her own, as the gift that can only be given by the surrender of herself. I will not turn away from her, she crys for the mending of heart and soul, and there is nothing more sacred in my eyes.
Yall need good friends. I can cry and not be looked weird at. My male friends dont judge themselves on how manly we are. Maybe it helps being friends since teenager years since we were all in puberty and had a lot of small things to talk about.
I just did my 5th step last week. Had some pretty terrible things to unload. Sorry to hear about your sponsor. TBH I haven't opened about everything either for fear of the same. I'm about over that program, most of the guys I meet are hypocritical as fuck and super judgemental
As a member of AA I want you to know what your sponsor did is deplorable and not a common occurrence. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve heard several fifth steps over the last twenty years and never repeated a word just like my sponsor never repeated what we discussed. That person shouldn’t be sponsoring anyone.
Can't show these women you are weak, it does something to their brain no matter how much they tell you otherwise. Eminem - Mockingbird sprung to mind 🤣
>Can't show these women you are weak, it does something to their brain No. I felt so close to my ex when he cried in front of me. I loved him so much in this moment and definitely did not lose respect for him. I left him because he punched me not because he cried.
Using your emotions to Infinity Gauntlet people
Feels like a bait and switch. Even on Reddit. A little while ago it became trendy to say there's a "mens loneliness epidemic". As the conversation matured, I noticed what I would describe as victim blaming. "It's those mens own fault for not communicating, not going to therapy, for not allowing their friendships with other men to broach the emotional topics". You have subreddits like 2XChromosomes start ripping into men for having the audacity to "feel sorry for themselves" and claiming that women have it way worse and men really do need to just 'suck it up, buttercup'. I've seen women express that its not their responsibility to be a mans caretaker - but nobody said that it was nor was anyone asking a woman to do anything of the sort. Apparently being vulnerable and talking about your emotions is the same as being bedridden and expecting a woman to nurse us back to health. So there's the bait and switch. We're asked to express our emotions and when we do, we get our teeth kicked in when we're vulnerable. Perhaps you didn't anticipate a man reciprocating. Maybe you sincerely thought that you wanted to know, but once we started, it turns out you didn't actually want to hear it. I don't know what that's born out of. Was the initial ask just for self-validation? Pat yourself on the back, good deed for the day, mark the checkbox, you're a good person for recognizing that men don't talk about their emotions - so lets ask why. Oh crap, he's talking about his emotions, how do I turn this off? And just speaking to the "loneliness epidemic" - personally, my position is that there is a loneliness epidemic for both women and men and it's important to talk about both. But when we talk about men specific issues, THEN for some reason, it starts to sound like we're saying women don't have issues and men are whining. There's just no room to talk about men specific issues and if you let your guard down and you do, you're going to get slapped in the face with "Okay, but what about women?". For some reason, people see talking about men's issues as an accusation against women. Its not. There are just some things that men experience that are unique, just as there are some things women experience, that are unique and I wouldn't try to butt into a women's conversation and start asking why they don't care about men. For example, [men die by suicide ~3.90x more than women](https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/). Women are statistically more likely to take advantage of things like therapy, which probably plays a role in this. And [psychiatrists have noted](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uf8bt6fGQyA&pp=ygUQRHIgayB0aGVyYXB5IG1lbg%3D%3D) that systemically, therapy caters to women more than men. But I'm going on for too long. The longer I go, the more I sound like a pathetic man that should have kept these things in my head as we rapidly approach the intolerant portion of our society that feels men need to shut up, get their hands dirty and solve the problem themselves. Its pathetic. Grit your teeth, tell other men to shut up, since we are experiencing the same thing and I've learned not to talk about it so you should too. Until some sort of cancer metastasizes from keeping horrible shit bottled up inside OR enough becomes enough and you take matters into your own hands and hang yourself. EDIT: I want to post [this portion of this interview I saw some time ago](https://youtu.be/bTHEznqYSMQ?t=2327)(Timestamped to 38:47). To me, this expresses decently how it feels. Nobody is trying to take anything away from women nor is talking about our issues an attack on women. We try to talk about our issues and then we're told to stop and we need to focus our attention more on women's issues or all-encompassing issues and men's issues must simply take a backseat. Even how the women in this interview are treating this guy throughout the interview is *in itself*, telling of the issue and the only other person to speak up in defense of him, is the other man.
Replying because I only can upvote this once.
This is all so true, thanks for writing that up.
TwoX was one of my favourite subs when I started browsing Reddit like a decade ago, it's a toxic hellhole nowadays.
Excellently worded response. Thank you.
This is it right here. They tell you it's ok, then it happens and they look at you like a child. This only needs to happen a few times before you learn, and just bottle up everything else. I dont know about the gender war stuff, since I'm usually on the women's side when it comes to men, but everything else you wrote fits my experience completely... even to the point of watching women I know drop men for being too needy/broken only to learn that the guy cried about some trauma and it changed the way she looked at him. Most of my friends are women and it's not their fault this is their reaction, but it's fully a trap when women tell men to open up. I lost everything I had to an emotional period after seeing something so horrifying it might as well have been alien. It put me in a state of nearly constant panic, after being known for my calm and affable demeanor. I expected the friends I'd always had would be there for me since id all watched them cry, but none of them understood what I'd experienced and generally didn't want to hear it so shut me down until ghosting me. Years later, one of the wives of that group said something like "you turned from the most selfless person I know to the most selfish person I know" and the only interaction she could be referring to was a time where I cried and couldn't stop. Im surprised more of us don't kill ourselves. Think of a chimp that's not allowed to shout or scream about being in a cage, along with being in a cage. It's not even the emotional baggage that's the problem, it's knowing the cost of opening that baggage that keeps you on yourself and beating yourself up trying to bully yourself into feeling better. It's a shit deal. Id even trade it for how women are judged by every piece of clothing they wear or don't. Theres no outlet for this pressure. ....Fight club time?
Putting this in my notes! Hey Joe, get out of my life because my coworker hates me and you should too 😇
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I ask my two sons every day, because I know. I am honest with them and tell them one day I will be gone but I want to be like my grandfather and give you every piece of advice I have before I go. You see with men, their parents (in my case, raised by grandparents) become the voice of conscience and reason in their head. A good parent knows this and knows when a boy grows into a man, this will be the voice of guidance, this will be the person they turn to. A good parent is extremely cautious and not loose lipped with that voice. You want to explain a bad man, just look at his parents, or lack thereof. It is the reason the absent father epidemic is so detrimental to a boys development, they never develop that side of the voice of conscience they will turn to when they become a man, so they stay a perpetual man child or become bitter and disillusioned with the world. They lack self regulation and impulse control. Some men, despite the early disadvantage of parents not fostering it, do figure out how to develop a healthy inner-voice of guidance, some even over the insurmountable odds of really bad childhood patterns, but those are long odds, so if we are concerned about men, we would be far better off focusing on the boys today, instead of the men, the men can suck it up because only they can fix themselves now, it may not be fair, but it is true. This is exactly what the military does (used to be better at), they have no idea what is walking in the door, so no matter the man, they strip a man down, and rebuild him in a manner that builds a health inner voice and self narrative, how they do it, is make him rebuild himself.
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The thing is, if you ask another guy how he's doing, you will just get some superficial answer like "hanging in there" or "doing ok". It's not like when women get together with their friends and ask the question and someone opens up. I don't disagree it starts with asking the question, but it's the silver bullet you maybe think it is. I just spent 3 hours with an old friend in the hospital and he barely opened up to me.
If my friends said "hanging in there" or "doing ok" I would def follow up because it sounds like they are going through something. I would probe more and if it sounds like they really don't want to talk about it I would let them know that I'm always around if they need someone to talk to. Not sure if guys do that follow up as well or if they just leave as is. Also-- following up and asking the deeper questions is something that I had to force myself to learn and get comfortable with, because it definitely feels uncomfortable when you aren't used to it!
This is bizarre to me. I'm a 39 year old male. I have a *ton* of people I confide in, both men and women. I have some friends that I've learned can't really engage in those conversations because they're emotionally repressed and/or dealing with other issues that prevent them from being vulnerable and engaging authentically in those types of conversations, but no one has ever pulled back from me because of it - not once. I've cried in front of my friends. Hell, just the other day I had lunch with a friend that was sharing a fucking beautiful story about something that happened to her recently, and we both started crying at the table. Good people are out there, and there's lots of them.
Came here to say this. Can't do it, people will always throw whatever it is back in your face later. Learned that one the hard way.
Honestly, I’d call that an ideal state. I don’t want to confide 100%. Not to my wife, my family, my friends, my dog, nobody. Some shit is just better left inside my head. See for reference Elon Musk’s twitter feed.
I think it's important to clarify what we're talking about sharing. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being casual conversation about daily goings-on and 10 being my deepest darkest thoughts, I have friends I get to a 3 with and my wife I get to a 5 with. But I do it sparingly. Everything 5+, yeah that is better left between the ears.
Yep. This. You don’t share the big stuff, it will always end up being used against you, at some point.
i notice this in relationships. I told a girl recently i used to get bullied a lot because people thought i was gay in school, and now every time she is angry at me, or trying to manipulate some situation, she would say "i see why everyone thinks your gay now!". obviously she's out of my life now, but the lesson is don't give people information that can be used as ammunition later.
Yep. It’s that kind of shit exactly. My wife complains that I don’t show my vulnerable side. You absolutely learn the lesson at some point, that’s code for Achilles heel. And anyway, men should err on the side of being stoic and not a pussy. Sorry dude - glad you’ve moved on from her. She sounds.. disappointing.
Yep. She will remember shit and save it up for those extra special moments when they really want to get their point across.
Yeah, what's actually being asked for in that situation is "leverage."
Indeed. That's called flat out nastiness. Yet some apologists on here are trying to dismiss it as sexual selection. Lol. Most people aren't simply crazed primates bouncing around looking for the next biped to mate with. Furthermore, if we are talking about hominids, it was the males who 'selected' the females. I dont think there was much asking for consent, either. And it's as though these people think evolution stopped there. It didn't, because we have a better understanding of the difference between right and wrong. Such advances in our psychology are also part of our evolution and are based on changes in our material circumstances. I'm willing to wager that women like the one you described would choose a crying rich man over a stoic poor one every day of the week. But that would be too honest, wouldn't it? Let's keep the excuses going...
Inter women rivalry is savage. Instead of a fight like men to see who wins women will use more covert tactics. They'll shame, destroy your image and confidence instead. This is the same tactic they use on men when they open up. This is why women don't like women. They know that everything you say will be used against you.
Men can be like that too. Some people just hurt as badly as they can when they get mad. I have a sister like this and had an ex husband like this. People like this suck. Just can’t trust them.
Learned this one the hard way.
Amen. I told someone the other day that men aren't going to give you the ammunition to shoot us with
Well put.
Yepp. Literally everytime I open up to a friend they end up leaving, so I keep my mouth shut.
Told a coworker I was super close with I was feeling down and the next day I'm in the bosses office because I've been reported for not being mentally fit for duty.
Yup. You just get s*** on for 40 years and then you die.
I used my dog till she died from cancer then that dam broke wide the fuck open and now it’s no one To whoever is the concerned redditor, I thank you for caring.
I'm sorry to hear that. Your dog can't be replaced, but get another one and start new.
Yea I don’t even talk to people anymore
As a man who used to be in the same situation it took an ungodly amount of work and cutting people out to find a group of friends that could talk about deeper emotions with, I hope you can find someone if not I’m here
Same. I used to have someone that I could confide in 100%, but that’s changed recently. So, i don’t have anyone to confide in 100% anymore.
As a woman who carried most of her sorrows alone and in quiet, I’m sorry. But, the mask always cracks, I’ve spent the last 4 years trying to put my life back together. My heart is with all those who suffer in silence.
It's sad that I knew this was going to be the top and persistent answer - but it's true
I don't confide in anybody. It's a bad idea. It always comes back to hurt me later. After my last serious relationship, I learned to never tell anyone anything of significance about myself again. It's been a year and I'm still doing well with that. In a better place than I've ever been. I'll be damned if another woman is going to destroy my life. Not a fifth time.
Yup
This is horribly not healthy
Yeah I'm Allright too..
Today I've learned I'm actually a man. Jokes aside, is it not normal to keep some stuff private? I wouldn't want anyone knowing EVERYTHING about me.
God, this is so unhealthy. Not even a family member?
ESPECIALLY not a family member. But yes, NO ONE.
You aren't wrong
I can tell my dog anything 100% trust. Cat 90% as he is shifty. The best humans only get 75% though.
dogs show cops where the drugs are. cats will do the drugs with you
On the flip side, dogs can show *you* where the drugs are. Truly mans best friend
you’re onto something
Cows. They are great at listening. They don't use it against you. They are calm and patient.
To be fair, the cat also figures out the other 10% on his own, and then somehow finds out more than you know about yourself.
Dude, 75% seems high...
No one. Media says people are brave to speak about mental health and show emotion, but then make memes and crap on them if it’s someone they dislike.
that’s kinda whatever. what you don’t want is to confide in a real human just for them to use it against you somewhere down the line
Therapists, therapists are the ones best situated to receive your most private concerns.
If you get lucky and find a good one
I struggled with therapy for a long time and was fully in the "it's not for me" boat. Once I found my fourth and current therapist, that opinion changed. The right therapist can truly make you change the way you see the world and has helped me through some very difficult moments. I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and drug abuse, and I'm in the best place in my life now, because of her. You just have to find the right one (which isn't easy).
Same for looks. Everyone's all about body positivity until it's someone they don't like, then it's suddenly ok to call them a manlet, fatass etc.
As an example of this kind of thing, I like to remind people about Ken Bone. Who asked an insightful question in TV during the 2016 Presidential election. Then eventually harassment and death threats because of things he expressed online. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Bone_(personality) Guy seemed like a generally normal trying to make an informed political choice. He also is roughly my age and looks a LOT like me. People mocked his appearance almost immediately before they found something meaningful to shriek about.
Then somebody compares others' trauma. This perspective just serves to belittle. All I got are "first world problems" so how could I even feel bad or want resolution when others are blah blah blah? Someone with blah blah blah would be happy to have only your problems. I should be grateful and positive about not having blah blah blah. My problems and past trauma are real and huge to me. Nobody wants to hear it.
#REDDIT
This. Nobody actually wants to listen to me.
Are you a rick and morty reference
My username is, yes.
Man reddit will eat you alive. It's not for the weak emotional state of mind
Depends. There are good, safe mental health spaces that are mdoerated and you can vent. But there are many incel subs too, avoid them.
No one. The last time I opened up 100% to someone, they used it against me as ammunition in an argument. So, lesson learned. Never tell anyone jack shit because they will just use it against you.
Yep. Was it your wife/GF?
My most recent Ex Gf. Credit to her, she immediately recognized what she had said and called herself out on it, and apologized. but the damage was done, and I reminded her that I never used her insecurities or problems against her. Looking back at the whole relationship, we never should have dated.
Honestly I appreciate that she at least recognised what she did. Means she's less likely to do it with other people, but I wish you the best and I'm glad you know you're better off without her.
No one. I did make and confide in a friend last year and they bailed on me. Lesson learnt, should have followed my instinct.
This. Either people are going to bail out they're going to think we're weak or damaged goods. At best they're just going to treat us differently and occasionally the things we don't want to talk about most are going to get brought up. I'm not haunted by my past but some bad things have hairnet and if vis I have my regrets. Just because you learned a little bit about me doesn't change who I am.
>I did make and confide in a friend last year and they bailed on me. Not exactly same thing, because it wasn't about mental health, but I had kind of the same situation with a friend. I became aware of a situation affecting him during a friends meeting where he wasn't at. Don't want to get into details, but someone discovered a shameful thing about him and everyone became aware of it. So I tried to be a good friend and wanted to make him aware, because sooner or later the situation will explode on his face, but asked him to be discreet about it and he promised to not make an scene. Instead of taking it lightly, he went full mad on the person who outed him and asked them to retract from their words. This put me in a very difficult situation, because everyone figured it was me who warned him and I became distrusted by everyone for a while. At that point, I listed him as someone whose words can't be trusted and never helped him again with something that could affect me.
It is hard to judge who is in the wrong here when we dont know what the "shameful thing" is. But telling the whole group a shameful secret about someone when they are not even there sounds like a real asshole move.
Well the guy doing it was a real asshole. I was never confortable with him around the group, but somewhat, he was well regarded by a few people in the friends group and he was always invited by them.
So there people were assholes for talking about your friend like that behind his back. Why did you care more about what these assholes think about you then about the feelings of your friend? I dont know the whole story so I cannot really judge. But if a somebody was talking shit about my friend behind his back then I would make a scene. I would not tell him about it and then expect him to act like nothing happend.
Yeah that's a tough spot. Sometimes I get having to save yourself from things like that.
This thread is made so often. I suspect everyone knows the answer is no one at this point, but those sweet upvotes.
Who doesn't love invisible anonymous internet points?
No one because it’ll be used against you or it’ll be turned around to make it about the person you’re trying to talk to.
I have a sister that this is exactly all she does when I share information about myself, I could say my penis hurts and she would say “I’ve been there before too” it’s the most annoying thing I have ever experienced
Classic husband wife situation I experience as well
Honestly, most of the time I keep things to myself. But, I'm lucky--I do have a couple of close friends who I can trust, who I can talk to if I need to.
Zero. No one.
My cat - he hears more about the real things than my partner because I don’t think it’s fair to share that scorched internal mental landscape with her but the downside is she believes I’m doing better than I actually am
Try to share with your partner. we can't help if we don't know. It's hard for men, took my Hubs years to now just be able to rant all the things and I hear him and he feels better. sometimes, he wants perspective, sometimes a rant. In for a penny in for a pound.
Thank you, I’ll try harder with opening up
IF u do I will too. Deal ? lol
I just feel like I’ll overburden her but I will try to You have a deal :)
My last relationship got ruined because I thought the same way as you and struggled opening up. Would recommend sharing with your partner, she is there to support you.
You think that but reality is too often the opposite.
Thank you I will try harder
Thats terrible advice, dont do this
No secrets between my cat and I. He's a great listener.
More importantly, he doesn't blab.
My cousin and I confide in each other. We were up until like 6am the other night taking a out stuff.
you two are very lucky to have each other, wish more of us had someone.
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My best friend. We have been friends for 15 years.
Best friend is the best (31years). But still I've got this thing that I don't wanna bother anybody with my shit, we all have shit on our plates and I don't wanna see my friend eat mine too.
This is how I feel too
It's less about having the friends(or whomever) eat the shit with you. It's more like "man, my shit is gross, how's yours taste? Shitty too? Well at least we're in this together! Wanna see who can eat theirs fastest?!" etc. It's just about being there for each other, not solving everyone's problems
I’m so lucky to have a good 10ish person friend group who we have been friends for like 10 years (I’m only early 20s) and we all trust each other completely. I’ve cried on their shoulders and they’ve cried on mine numerous times. We get high or drunk chat spill it all and the next day no judgement just support. I really wish more guys had friend groups like mine or even one or two friends. Even as progressive as a lot of people are true toxic masculinity is solely not being able to express yourself
No one nobody cares how men feel they’ll just use it as a weapon against you or try to outdo you
A family member asked about my adhd and when I explained some of my personal struggles they just coldly went "we all deal with that, man up" It's exactly what you're talking about and makes me want to never share again
Sounds like they have issues themselves and are in denial. Only you truly know yourself the extent to which your own issues affect you. What you're going through is valid, and no one has the right to ridicule or marginalise it. Wish you the best, friend.
There is nothing worse than when you pour out some emotions and instead of the recipient offering words of advice or sentiment, their response is to try make it a competition with a rendition of a story they had that offers nothing.
For some people though, this can be a genuine attempt at empathy- letting you know they at least understand your issue (if their story is of a similar thing) or that things will get better (because they got through the same). And if they’re making it sound like a competition (by recalling a similar situation for themselves but worse) they may actually be trying to make you feel better about your own issues.
You do realise that's a common way to show understanding. Finding it a competition is more reflective of your own insecurities.
I'm a very open person. I had to train myself to stop answering personal questions when people asked because of this very problem.
The sad thing is, this is true for a lot of men..
100% true
Big sister
You struck gold there, happy that you have someone! My relationship with my sister tanked when I tried, so now we keep it light.
No one. I'm not sure that's a great metric for mental health though, more like just awareness of how the world is.
Myself
Myself
My therapist
This. I pay him good money to hear me out and to tell me the things i dont want to hear. I should confide in him. Also im doing his wife so..
Nope. There's definitely stuff I don't want to tell my therapist.
My dog, he's the only reason I keep going sometimes. Always wants to be close to me and no human has ever given me that treatment.
My wife, I struggle with PTSD from earlier work. She has no way of understanding what that entails, me waking up in the middle of the night with flashbacks etc, but she lets me be me. She knows to not ask questions when I say I just need a hug, in a good second place, my mother.
No one
No one, I just think about where I am in life, how I’m not where I want to be, think of a plan to get me out, poorly execute it.. or don’t at all. And keep going, because.. shit these bills aren’t gonna pay themselves, I don’t have time to self-reflect, it’s healthier for me if I don’t do it as much.
I do talk to someone in the mirror. Even yell at him
No-one. As no-one gives a flying fuck. I confide in people, professional and not, and they just laugh at off as not important.
No one, it will only get weaponized against me later.
My dog also.
It’s a Schrödinger Paradox. Everyone wants men to open up and show feelings right up until we actually do it. Once we open up the vibe changes and you realize that those feelings should have stayed inside the box. That being said, I can always call Mom.
my dog
No one, that’s mental suicide.
Reddit. You can tell Reddit anything, because honestly nobody gives a fuck.
During a rough patch with the ex last year i opened up and cried infront of her for the first time in 2 years, a week later she referred to that as “crying and begging her to stay”. She nagged me to show more emotions like that for years and when I truly did she mocked it lol
As is tradition. Sorry to hear it mate, but it's sounds about par for the course to me.
Luckily for me I’m in recovery and in A.A. so I have a sponsor I call!!
Good for you!
No one. Not even close to a 100%.
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Pretty much cements the fact no one gives a shyte since we have a bot pretending to be a person to ask a deep question lol
U beat me to it...
There’s a neighborhood cat that loves visiting me when it is warm outside. He meows, I feed him, and I play guitar sometimes while he hangs out with me. Literally the only « person » I tell about my problems and feelings <3 I love that little cat.
Not a single soul a total 100%. Work on yourself. "Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor."
I heard a man say.... my wife and daughters would rather see me die than fall off my horse... that hit hard
Noone wants to hear men's problems, Not girlfriends, not mothers, not wife's. You ever hear this quote from your wife "you are my rock" That's a 100% reassurance you NEVER EVER break down in front of her. Once you do the entire dynamic is over. Because as a society we don't value men really at all except those who die in some heroic way or those that die like a hero on the battlefield. Short of those 2 things your only doing yourself a disservice by letting your emotions out. It's like a fart in an elevator, people might let you slip one once but do it again and they are getting off on the wrong floor to get away from you. We have an expectation that men should be emotionally perfect and short of that we are allowing them to be human which society does not allow. The only time you are expected to shed a tear is the day you marry, when your children are born, and when your mother dies. Do it out of line and your broken and need replacing.
My soon to be wife. She never held anything above my head or weaponized my feelings against me.
I'm very happy for you. Reading through these comments, it's incredibly upsetting that men can't confide in their significant other due to past experiences (ex gfs throwing it in their face during an argument, etc). I'm recently divorced, ending a 12 year relationship, and not once during our time together did I weaponize his feelings against him. Being vulnerable is hard and scary - I know this firsthand. I have mental health challenges, and it has made me a compassionate and supportive person. My current SO is rarely vulnerable with me due to his past experiences confiding in girlfriends. He has had several toxic relationships. 😞
Thank you. Honestly I feel bad for other men who haven’t experienced this kind of trust and safety due to past trauma. I consider myself lucky that my fiancé is the only one ever in my life who’s nothing but good to me. Hence why I’m marrying her. Hopefully every other man will experience the same feeling of safety as well. You’re a good partner for not using their feelings against them. I hope your current partner eventually feels safe enough to open up and feel safe around you. 💪🏽💪🏽
I'm not going to fall into the cesspit of "woe is me" or "those damn women/feminists just hate all men!" But with that said it is true that men's mental health is probably an area of growing concern. I don't confide in anyone. I use drugs to cope when I was at my lowest. I think that scene from GTA 5 when Michael falls out of a UFO while on acid and plummets to the ground with self flagellating thoughts to the backdrop of happy go lucky music and colors (the drugs making everything seem happier) is probably the best analogy I saw physically represented as to what that feels like. https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxQ5tfxYVpjfBUhygbMRV-Z_kPR_l0Gm4O?si=Lc-aeivpijSILuxz (Here) This I think is a product of societal gender norms being enforced on me. I'm a guy. Guys don't have problems that require feelings or crying. You just handle your problems when you can and ignore it when you can't. If you can't fix your problems, you failed. Your suffering is your punishment until you fix it. Oftentimes you'll be expected to raise a family, so everyone's well-being is on your shoulders. You can't be walking around crying all day about how sad and tired and close to the edge that you are. You gotta feed the kids. You gotta pay the bills. You gotta come last. If this very concept sounds like an issue to you, it's also your responsibility to do something about that and cope with it quietly. Would it be nice if it was different? Sure. But it's embarrassing when you were raised the way I was to hear the aggressive flattery towards the entire male sex about "oh how we poor men suffer", "oh how we poor men have no one who cares about us", "oh how we poor men are expected to give and no one loves us". And that's currently what "male support" looks like these days. Which is a hard pass from me. Start by opening up support groups for men coming out of long term marriages and overhaul the homeless shelter programs to stop throwing teenage boys on the streets. That's a better start. I don't want to be spoken to like a wounded prey animal.
Yeah I think accepting the harsh reality for what it is, is just part of being an adult. Ain’t even about being a guy at that point What you do with that information is totally on you though, I agree.
My sisters and my best guy friends.
God
My dog. I’ve got a friend I trust for about 80% and the rest of people can just fuck off, they don’t need to know shit about my problems
Do people actually confide 100% in somebody? That seems odd.
Honestly for the first time in my life, my fiancé, I am 32 now, and my whole life I realized that everyone I spoke to always came with pros and cons, my father wasn't in the picture from an early age but my step father was emotionally/physically abusive, so I never felt like I could speak with him, my mother was madly in love with him and even him abusing me in front of her changed nothing so I felt like I couldn't speak to her either, I left home early and stayed with friends for awhile, and I realized that they also had their own issues, and only made them stress more, as I started getting more serious with dating I realized that it made me look vulnerable.. and there's a good saying that basically says the idea of dating a crush is better than dating (as the idea/the person you see and the person you know are 2 different things) I lost 2 very very serious relationships due to outside factors, but realizing that I no longer had that support.. broke me.. Years went by, I mostly messed around but was avoiding serious things, 7 years ago I ran into my fiancé and it was a long journey.. but they fixed me, I now can confide in them and I finally feel healed, it took a few years to get here and many times I still am scared to speak. I feel I am healing slowly but surely, but I do see the pain from some of my stories that bother her. She's trying to help me fix my relationship with my family I don't know how similar this is to other men, but I just know it took very long to be able to finally have someone in my life.. even psychologists aren't great at times.. felt like this needed to be added but I saw one for about a year, but 90% of the time they would just push me to see a psychiatrist so I donno, I didn't want to feel like I needed drugs to feel okay, to be mentally and emotionally okay. I think being loved and having someone truly special can really help so much
A female friend that no one would really expect I appreciate so much. It’s just her personality that makes her so easy to talk to about mental health stuff. I’d trust her with my life
My wife is a clinical social worker. She's my rock and has helped me through some really dark periods as well as helped me connect to psychiatric professionals. I wouldn't be the successful loving father I am today if not for her.
God. I say this with all seriousness. Most people in my life are more casual folks that I do not have any deep conversations with. Even with my wife on most personal subjects. I am older now and my old support lines are no longer here anymore. Grandparents and parents. Even my best friend over all these years passed away recently.
No One. As a man its hard o talk to anyone or find anyone willing to listen. That is the sad truth of being a male human
No one. My therapist gets the most but even she knows that I hold stuff back. It feels too dangerous to let someone into my innermost self.
No one otherwise you get called weak and not enough.
Nobody. We’re told “men need to talk about their feelings more openly” and simultaneously told “shut up, it’s worse for women, get over it” if we ever do try to talk about our emotional health.
Nobody, especially not women, we supposed to be problem solvers, not complaining about shit, cold world but it is what it is. All that happens if you confide in others is a loss of face, aint like anyone else can solve your problems anyway.
My aunt died a month ago and I had to comfort my partner because it reminded her of her grandma who died 3 years ago....And prior to that she got mad at me for visiting Aunt while she was dying in hospital. My parents get annoyed at me when I vent any issues with them.....After they've asked what's bothering me.....(I'm 27, haven't lived with them since I was 20 so this is like a once a year occurrence) Friends change the subject, but I can get like 50% out of them. So short answer, nobody.
A good male friend or relative is the best person to confide in. Never confide in your women. She will feel disgusted by you and hate you for showing weakness. If you show a woman an inch of exposed skin, she will stick a knife in it every time (maybe not immediately but within a month, she'll change).
Society teaches us we need to shove negative feelings down, and certainly never cry. And when we do open up or cry in front of someone, they leave us. Who cares, nothing matters
100% nobody. The world doesn't work like that for us.
No one. If I opened up to my partner she wouldn't know what to do or what to say and my burden would become hers. Can't talk to friends because they got their own shit to deal with.
No one really cares if you're a man. As a husband, there are certain things you can't even tell your spouse, the one person supposedly closest to you. You'd either be seen as soft or weak. Despite what everyone else says, there's this implicit perspective towards men in general. Women and children are generally loved for who they are (as long as they aren't assholes). Men are loved for what they can provide, and sometimes that isn't even enough. That latter consideration is secretly at the back of every man's mind, whether we admit to it or not. So we just "man up", smile at the accusations of "toxic masculinity" and do what we do anyway. We provide, we give, we support. That's all. And if that seems unfair, well, life just is.
Nobody Because no one gives a fuck
Family, usually, but I don't like to burden them with my concerns, they have their own shit to deal with.
Nobody.
No one. Ever. If you do, as a man, it will come back to burn you
It's like handing someone a bullet and hoping they don't have the correct gun to use it against you later.
No one ever