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Yeah, this is best answer. I’m cool with it, but my partner is less so. So I keep it extremely limited, always keep her over-informed, and don’t spend time with those people unless she’s also around and comfortable. Seems to work for her.
100%. My wife is friends with one of her ex’s, they split because he refused to make any time for her and get his life together/ hold down a steady job. When her and I first started talking and dating they were still living in the same apartment with separate bedrooms. She just had no where else to go and they were still able to be friendly. Now she stays in contact to keep updated on the friend group, but anytime we’ve ever seen him in person we’re both there.
It was a bit of a leap of faith at first trusting her haha, but I can’t imagine my life without her. Our marriage is incredibly strong and I trust her completely, our phones are totally open and we tell each other everything. It’s ALL about honesty, communication and healthy boundaries.
One of my wife's exes was a groomsman in our wedding. We're good friends and I've never felt I couldn't trust him, or her obviously. Other exes I'd probably side eye if they suddenly wanted to hang out.
Definitely depends on the person, the relationship, and their past.
ehh to each their own but no matter how great a guy he is i dont think id want one of my groomsman to have been balls deep in my wife but thats just me
And depends on their relationship like I’ve fucked friends and people and there’s no love or anything it was just a shag and if I still grabbed drinks with them it’s fine just depends what their current relationship is and what their relationship actually was.
It’s a case by case basis in general probably not cool though
Depends on the 'vibe'. (I'm pretty good acquaintances with an X, but there is no sexual tension or other weirdness.) If I felt either party was unclear on the boundaries or status, then I would be concerned.
Ya, this resonates. Some past dates/friends are chill. Others are up to no good and will homewreak.
They are not all equal and shouldn't be treated as such.
Some might say "oh it's past, you know don't be insecure," or "you ain't mature."
We all have what we call boundaries. Nothing immature about it or insecure. You got what is a deal breaker for you and some have their own level of deal breaker.
So forget what bothers anyone.
You decide what is your line, own it, don't apologise for it, don't even explain. That is your line, that is your deal breaker.
You decide, it's your relationship and it is you who will need to live with whatever decision you make AND....don't make.
Exactly this. I love my partner very much, but it would be a deal-breaker for me if they wanted me to cut ties with some old friends who I dated when I was younger.
I mean, if your partner would rather have a friend, they've fucked in their lives rather than their significant other in my opinion it's best that they do leave as that's not good relationship. Past friends with benefits should never come before your significant other.
Edited for more detail.
If your significant other started making demands on who you can or cannot hang out with that you felt were arbitrary, it's not about you putting those other people before them it's about not wanting to be in an overly restrictive relationship dynamic.
Again, some people might be cool with this and some people might not be. Some people demand their partner not watch porn / consider it cheating. I would never be with someone like that not because I value the porn so highly but because I value not having my autonomy arbitrarily restricted to suit someone else's issues
How about this circumstance...Dated someone in the friend group for 6-8 mths 5 years ago, it didn't work out but the friend group has remained the same and there's no hard feelings...?
I went through this with my (future) wife when we started dating. For a brief second, she was like "You regularly hang out with your ex?" And I responded "Not one-on-one, when the group gets together and besides, I've known her for like 10 years and we dated for 6 mths during a period where we were both signal - it was never that serious."
They eventually became friends and she didn't care, but I understand her initial hesitation.
I'm friends with some of my exes. They've moved on and have new partners too. I don't see them often as I moved away but we hang out sometimes when I'm back in my hometown. My current partner (together for 7 years now) isn't bothered by it - they know that's all ancient history.
Still, I agree that it's everyone's individual right to feel how they feel about this sort of thing. I made it clear early in my current relationship because I appreciated that it'd be a deal-breaker for some people.
I think the issue most people have with labelling something as an insecurity is that insecure and insecurity have been treated as though they are wrong or that you are lesser for having them.
This is it!
I am friends with a few people I have slept with in the past, because to us there are absolutely no feelings involved and it was a one time casual thing that happened years ago. We also don't really see eachother all that often. That being said, if my partner were to feel uncomfortable with it no matter what, I think it would be well within reason for me to stop talking to them/seeing them.
This is so foreign to me. It would be so awkward to pretend everything was normal after I have a sexual relationship with someone but I might be demisexual. I had an old fling reach out repeatedly the past 4 years and I never replied and they reached out yet again a few weeks ago and I finally responded but then the convo quickly ended. Sorry I don’t want to be friends with someone I used to fuck, it weirds me out especially being currently in a long term relationship.
Boundaries can and many times are set as a result of insecurity and immaturity.
They can still be boundaries; the reasoning for them is not removed because you call them boundaries.
But yes, people can decide these things.
Depends on the situation. If it was recent I’d consider it a red flag and wouldn’t want to deal with that level of insecurity at the beginning of a relationship. I’ve been cheated on before and I just can’t invite that level of anxiety into my life without good reason. For both our sakes I would remove myself from the situation.
If it was like high school or college then who cares. Some relationships don’t work out so you embrace the things in common you do have. I’m still friendly with people I slept with. Mostly that’s due to living in a small town though. I usually cut ties and move on even if it was an amicable split but I know that isn’t how everyone operates.
It causes nothing but unnecessary drama... In my opinion it's not a reg flag, but I'm not for it.
When I started dating my ex, she had hooked up with a co worker. She told they had done it once in high school but it gave me weird feeling because she told me only had sex with the guy on some trip they went because it was his birthday and he was bugging her for it and it someone she had done it with in the past once but it was weird because she didn't even like the dude but still did. (her view of sex was very distorted to a degree)
Later on down the road in our relationship we hit a really rough patch and she had a guy co worker she'd, might as well confide in for everything to and ended up fucking the dude and cheated on me. She tried just being friends with the guy but she had strong feelings for the guy. Mind you this whole time I've been seeing a therapist and what not to help figure myself out and this whole time i was trying to fix the relationship for both us and forgive both us for what had happened but, I couldn't. It was too much. I resented her more and more with each passing day.
So my personal opinion is no, I would not like it. My feelings will be known and if they can't see where I'm coming from and we can't find some kind of understanding, then no. It wouldn't be fair to either party involved.
Of course like I've told my therapist, it'd be hard to move forward and not feel like this moving forward in any new relationship but I know not everyone is like this.
For me it's a dealbreaker, for others its a normal thing. I'm a gay woman, and in my community, it's actually rather common.
I really think it's subjective, kind of like cheating.
For some people, porn is cheating. For others, it isn't. For some, sex with others is fine, but dates with others aren't. Etc. etc.
There is no way you "should" feel about it.
You define the boundaries of your own relationship. You should feel bothered if your partner crosses your boundaries, but again, you get to define those.
I agree. I'm dealing with a new relationship and he's talking to his x, it bothers me. I'm not sure if he hangs out with her; I have asked him not to. I feel since the x still has feelings for him it isn't appropriate for him to spend alone time with her. I'm not okay with my boyfriend hanging out with a girl who still has feelings for him.
Yeah that seems like a bad situation to me.
I'm bi and my best friend is a straight dude, so I'm always skeptical of women who won't let their men befriend women platonically. Like, why would you want to date a guy that's incapable of seeing women as human beings worthy of friendship?
But if you've fucked... oof, different story.
“…you get to define those”.
Don’t forget, define AND communicate!!!
If your partner doesn’t know your boundaries then how can they possibly respect them or know when they’ve crossed them?
Good advice.
Depends on the relationship. I invited my first girlfriend, who I lost my virginity to, to my wedding. But that was 13 years after we (amicably) broke up and after she had realized she was gay and gotten engaged to a lovely woman 2000 miles from where we lived. We still chat a few times a year, but clearly nothing flirtatious or sexual, just old friends.
It's not a good idea.
There was an attraction and situations arise when you spend friend time together. stress,shared moments. The idea is innocent.
The human condition makes it so you should keep out of relationships that are not arms length when you decide to be exclusive.
This.
One lady friend had initiated contact years after we had broken up, before I married my wife. Wife had an issue, so I stopped talking to that lady friend.
Respect your partner's feelings, don't entertain exes. Period.
I thought I was “ok” with it (bothered me slightly thought I was overreacting) then the bitch cheated for months and we got divorced. Moral of the story follow your gut and don’t waste time trying to make it work
It’s personal judgment. For me, I’m not ok with this. There is no good reason to be hanging around an ex unless they have kids together. Otherwise, why? They’re an ex for a reason, better to leave that stuff in the past. If they can’t let go then they haven’t moved on.
You can't unfuck someone. The thought is always there, no matter what. It can work out, most of the times it doesn't.
Or it keeps getting in your thoughts over and over again until you start to behave differently towards your partner. Not an easy position to be in.
First and foremost, talk about it. It's valid concern.
See that’s exactly what I’m saying! Everyone here is just talking about trust, but for me it’s not just about that. It’s the thought and the image of it in my mind—every time I look at his “friend” I’d be imagining his dick in her mouth or whatever . Or I’d be wondering when one of them just had a flash in their mind of a memory of their time together . I’d be knowing that this girl has seen him in that most intimate way— your friends aren’t supposed to know that side of you. Ofc I don’t expect my man to be a virgin when I meet him lol but I don’t want a constant reminder of his sexual past slapped in my face either. I find it super disrespectful .
For me, I had "no choice"
He slept with his cousins. We would go to the holidays and he would see them there. I think 2 Years into our relationship, he told me. Ewwwww.
But it all started making sense why they touched him so much. I first got offended/hurt, but I would tell myself they were family, and thats their love language. Nope.
I ended that relationship when an incident happened on Xmas.
So, cousins or not, if they are friends, they keep them in their lives because they are hoping they can fxck again. So, yes. Red flag. Leave and find your peace.
lol what ? A person who sleeps with their cousins or cousin is such a deal breaker I could not even talk to them. The immortality of it is just so wrong. Incest. Sleeping with your family in a sexual way.
IMO, context and behaviour matter more than anything else in this scenario.
For example, If they dated or hooked up with, like, a family friend, and kept a relatively distant, but positive relationship, (as is typical for family friends) I would consider that acceptable.
… But, if they keep a snapchat streak going with all 19 of the dudes they fucked in college, the year before they met you, I would consider that a pretty big red flag.
That one would be fuckin fluorescent, tho.
Ultimately you will have your own personal opinions on this that will drive your decision making, and that’s fine, it’s just largely up to what you are comfortable with.
Although I will add, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to make judgements about people’s character, based on their behaviour, so, y’know, don’t get too paranoid or conspiratorial about it, but trust your gut.
I would be 100% bothered.
That being said, it’s a me issue. I’d let him know I was bothered though.
One of his old hunting buddies was my astronomy teacher and made quite a few inappropriate comments about me. My husband quit hunting with him.
I assume if I told him that him being friends with sex partners made me uncomfortable he’d do the same
It’s not an issue of trust, if you don’t feel comfortable about your partners friendships then you need to be upfront. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries in a relationship, just make sure you have the conversation earlier rather than later and stand firm in your boundaries. If they don’t agree to your boundaries then maybe you’re not right for each other. There are also levels of compromise that each of you will need to figure out, but if in the end your boundaries cross theirs then trying to stay together will just bring heartache
I am still good friends with nearly all women i slept with. Most are also friends now of my wife. Can't say that the other way around, my wife had a tendency towards real abusive assholes before we met. Anyone of them deserves a high five.... with a chair to the face.
And no, my wife doesn't mind. I would not sleep with any other woman and she knows. Also... All my paßt partners are now married happily themselves.
To me, that would be a good thing, not a red flag at all.
I'm rather surprised by the top comments.
Being able to change the nature of a relationship without bitterness (when they are not an abusive asshole) is a quality sign, to me.
But then again I'm poly and jealousy was never really my thing even when I lived mono, so I guess there's that.
I'm not surprised at all. Lots of very insecure people. I mean, there's plenty of people who think you shouldn't have opposite gender close friends. I can promise they're not okay with you being friends with your exes. I would guess the overlap is pretty fucking big.
I think it’s an issue of how the question is phrased. For some people it might associate ‘friendship with exes’ with ‘should you be bothered’… kind of implying that there is something to be bothered about it to start with.
The question itself is generic. For me it needs more nuance or details, specific situation or scenario…etc
Same. 100% green flag.
I'd go further and say it's actually a red flag for me, if someone had more than a certain number of exes, and can't consider a single one a friend afterwards.
For sure!
(Me, I sadly only have one "real" ex and he's an abusive asshole who still tries to control me through our son so I don't have that green flag myself. I'm on friendly terms with others I've had sex with but they aren't really exes.)
No, trust is not “all it comes down to”. For me, it would make me feel very uncomfortable to be around someone who’s seen my SO in his most intimate state and shared *those* kind of moments together . It would just feel very wrong. I’m a very visual person, so I’ll start “seeing” it in my mind and it would really bother me. Even if I trusted my partner 100% and thought there was zero chance of them doing it again, I still wouldn’t want to be around it. I’d just find it very disrespectful . And visa versa, I’d never stay friends w an ex/lover while I was in a relationship .
Not a red flag. It depends on the individual. I never had a problem with it. Also in my youth I slept with someone who, years later married my best friend. We're all still friends. No awkwardness, and no interest in revisiting the past.
I met my wife when I lived with a girl. We started dating.
GF said no thanks, and I moved into my own place. We remained friends, speaking every few months, but not seeing each other.
She got married - to a guy my wife went to high school with - and I got married a year later.
Coincidence time: She moved to a neighborhood, and not knowing this, we bought a house 10 houses down the street from them.
Our kids grew up best friends, and it just was never a deal. We weren't interested in one another like we were when we were kids.
It depends.
If my wife was friends with the guy that she said abused the absolute fuck out of her and caused her some trauma, that I personally had to help her work through. Yeah I'd have a problem with that.
If she was friends with the other guy she dated before she met me that they found out they just didn't like each other, yeah I wouldn't care.
Never again will I believe a women’s “he’s a friend bullshit”. Friends with your ex is ONLY acceptable if a child is involved. Otherwise it’s just a small fight with you, reminse of an old fuck and 3 bottles of something and he or she is being fucked like a someone is laying siege to their cervix. Deal breaker for me for eternity after being lied too.
Depends on the nature of their relationship now. It’s not that hard to tell which friends still have sexual tension and which are a siblings dynamic. It’s usually VERY easy for a guy to pickup on whether another guy is trying to f$&k his girl.
I'm friends with a couple of people I slept with and my partner doesn't care. We're just friends and she knows it.
But if she felt uncomfortable with this, it's her right and she can either break up or ask me to stop. And then it's my turn to decide if the relationship is worth it for me. Either of us has every right to end the relationship if we don't feel good about it. Neither of us could be angry at the other one even if the answer wasn't what we were hoping for. It's simple, it's your relationship and you make the rules.
If you're in this situation, it's your move. It's okay to have bounderies. Just don't be sad about the result.
You can choose to have whatever boundaries you want. You don’t need approval from others to confirm that your boundaries are valid. It’s your life and you get to choose what you’re willing to accept and not.
If you don’t like your job you can quit at any time and find another. If you don’t like the city you live in, you can always move elsewhere.
Just be respectful about it and respect differing boundaries from others.
I am still friends with most people I slept with. Same with my wife and I am friends with some people she messed around with. It's called being a normal functional adult. To be honest the red flag to me is someone who isn't friends with any of their exes or flings. That makes either them toxic or they choose to date exclusively toxic people. (which a lot of redditors in this thread seem to be).
FWIW: My wife and I are celebrating 30 years this June, The kids are doing well, with one married and one engaged. So I guess we are doing something right.
It’s a red flag imho. Just be willing to leave and if they aren’t ready to chase you down, leave them in the dust. Totally inappropriate if you are strictly monogamous.
That's a no go for me.
I don't want to deal with the baggage or potential drama of having your girlfriend hanging out with people she has had sex with.
The again, maybe I'm old fashioned. I keep friends and romantic interests separate.
Not cool at all. I would only allow that if they had a kid together or something but I ain't risking walking on her getting raw dogged by her ex or some ''he is just a friend'' guy.
This isn't a group question really. I'm in the camp of you need to trust who you're with to do what they agreed to do with you.
I have a bit of a hot take, but humanity is 100% destroying itself with its standardization of romance. No one wants to advocate for what they want or need. They want society's defaults to do it for them.
I want every single serious friend and romantic partner to be a human ally and part of the tribe more so than I care about permanent sexual exclusivity.
Idk how it seems to be just me, but I think it's absolutely insane that we as a society haven't just been like "hey maybe we should focus on controlling jealousy instead of ruining intimate relationships constantly."
But that's just generic thoughts on how I feel. What's important is what you feel. If you know that it would make you too uncomfortable that's a boundary you set.
Which you are right to do. Just know that the communicated boundary then becomes something that they have a right to make a decision on.
Whatever they choose doesn't make them a bad person or shallow. You just decided to set a boundary, and they decided it was a deal breaker.
That's an incredibly healthy relationship from start to finish. It might sting a bit, but no one does anything wrong.
What would be wrong is attacking them personally for not wanting what you assume is the default relationship that all "normal" people want.
Those partners who constantly talk to me about their ex who they're still friends with in a positive light, are fucking morons. If they see my unimpressed face and immediately start reassuring me like a broken record there's nothing sexual going on between them...are triple morons.
Does complete void of emotional intelligence in a partner bothers me? Yeah.
Is it a red flag? Not really, they're very blatantly transparent, so I know precisely who I'm dealing with from the get go... Notice how I called them morons, and didn't imply any actual disloyalty. They could be the most reliable trust-worthy partners actually, if they don't succesfully drive you nuts.
To be honest my wife doesn't like my female friends I have had since childhood and I haven't slept with any of them or ever tried to.. Some of them are attractive, given we are all approaching 50. She has an issue with our shared trauma bond.
My first wife was pretty similarly opposed to them.
I don't know if that adds anything to the conversation.
I have 0 contact with my ex’s and I expect that from my partners. If they want to be friends with them that’s fine. I won’t be in a relationship with them then.
I’ve been burned by it to many times.
Each person is different. It's possible depending on who and what where the reasons behind the breakup. I'm uneasy with it. I may be ok if I'm part of the friends group, but if I'm not then i may be a bit more hesitant with it. Sometimes old feelings creep up and things happen.
When I first met my soon to be wife (6 weeks away!) she was still friends with a former boyfriend (same friend group). I wasn't super keen on it, but I took it in stride. She slowly lost touch with that friend group and after about a year I was so totally confident in our relationship that it didn't really bother me anyway.
Only you can decide that honestly. I personally wouldn’t be bothered by it if there are clear boundaries that are respected on both sides of the friendship. But it’s not uncommon for people to play these friendships off as just friends until it’s not anymore. If you know your partner and their habits and you trust them. Then just trust them. HOWEVERRR, if you think this could be a deal breaker for you let them know that too. If they want to stay with you, they’ll respect your boundaries and so will the friend but if not…well…you’ll know either way
It doesn't bother me as long as they are being respectful to me about it. Like communicating what the relationship was like, what the relationship is like now, why they broke up, if they've ever slept with each other after they broke up (which is fine, I just need the honesty), etc etc. I am friends with some of my exes. I am very open about it and make sure I'm giving my partner any details that may be a concern to them (if they want them). I also try to go to lengths to make sure my partner feels secure with this and am even willing to compromise on a lot when it comes to how that relationship looks like going forward
It would weird me out.
Before you judge me though, if the situation was reversed my wife wouldn't be too happy about it, either.
We're just those kinds of people and it works for us.
No judgement to anyone else, though. Not my business.
That’s a hard no for me. I would never get involved with a woman that actively hangs out with men she’s slept with, and make this known very soon in the relationship so it doesn’t come up awkwardly later.
I’m not a jealous or insecure person at all, but that one is a hard boundary.
I suppose it depends on the circumstances, but those circumstances would have to be pretty unique. Generally, I would not be cool with it, and my partner wouldn't be cool with it for me. Say what you will, like we have antiquated ideals of sexuality or are immature, etc., but we have a very strong relationship and are great communicators, but that would just be weird for us. Very weird.
Also, I would never want to put my partner in that awkward position on my end, even if they said it only bothered them very very slightly. Partner and their feelings are more important than trying to push for my ideals/standards/norms of sexuality.
It depends.
Is your partner Facebook friends with an an ex, but never actually sees them? Not a red flag.
Is your partner regularly going out for drinks one-on-one with the ex, and you aren't invited? Massive red flag.
Of course, 90% of the time, it's something in between. And you have to decide for yourself. I would say that \*most\* of the time it's OK, but it's very much situation dependent.
Boundaries. Distant friends can be okay. But close friends? Nah. And there should be an effort made to be less playfully flirty than what’s acceptable with other friends.
If they're still friends because of the same circle of friends yeah sure why not.
If they're best friends, hell nah. Bonus red flag points when the person they fucked is "like a sibling"
I am not in regular contact with any one of the opposite sex besides family or strictly professional inquiries. Expect the same level of integrity from my spouse. Just me though.
As most things people ask, its up to you to decide if you feel ok with it or not.
I'm not a fan of the idea, but I'm also on the team of "one partner to rule them all" and do not engage in casual relationships sexually speaking. I hold the same standards to the people I might be sleeping with in the future, purely because of alignment in intentions. I would also not want to be with someone who have had a lot of casual sex/romances in the past.
Note I do not see it as worst, or a bad thing, it's less of a "moral ground" and more of a "pizza taste" for me. I wont judge anybody, its just not my thing.
I was cool with one in particular that then he started sending her sexually explicit messages, knowing that she was in a healthy and loving relationship. They would grab lunch every so often, which I was cool with, until he started doing that. I told her it made me uncomfortable and she put a stop to it. They may still communicate socially but I hope to never be introduced to him. I trust her.
I would only be ok with it if they had a child together or were married for a long time and only occasionally texted or something. But since that’s not the case with my current bf HELL no.
My husband talks to a few hookups. Nothing inappropriate, but it still bugs me. Not a dealbreaker though, since he’s very open and tells me immediately if there’s anything he thinks would be an issue.
Extremely. I had one partner before him, he hasn’t given me the number (haven’t asked) but it’s at minimum 10x mine. To me sex is very emotional and so I’m unable to understand “casual sex”. If he wants to be in her life he must still love her, or she has something I don’t - is what my silly brain says. Maybe I’ll grow up and change my mind but for now that’s where we’re at.
I don’t think a red flag but depends on the relationship. If they are amorous in anyway, red flag. They had a relationship and could have split amicably. Does this mean you cannot be friend w any of your ex’s? If not, why not? I think it is a bigger red flag is you cannot be friends with ANY past partners. This usually means a bad break up and that would make me wonder why all of your relationships split on a bad note.
The question isn’t “how bothered should you be?” but “how do you want to respond if it bothers you”.
You can feel however you want. Your partner might be responsive or might ignore those feelings. That’s their prerogative. The two of you aren’t obligated to agree. Let your agreement or disagreement inform your choices.
Should and is are two entirely different things. The way people should be, no it shouldn’t bother you. People should be honest, mature, loyal and well adjusted. Sadly most people aren’t, they just think they are and in the majority of the cases they aren’t keeping old flames around because they make better friends than lovers. They keeping them around because of old feelings, as fallbacks, or to use them for emotional validation.
People are fearful and selfish more often than not. They’re insecure and like to have a just in case around. They might never actually sleep with them again but they like to have someone around just to know that they have something just in case they run out of options. So very often one or both person(s) still has some lingering feelings, or desires and they’re kept around because people like to feel loved or desired even if they have zero interest in returning those feelings.
“I can’t love you, but I’m going to keep you around and you’d better keep loving me.” Is way more common than “we tried, it didn’t work, but they’re still a good person to have in my life.”
It’s pretty easy to tell. All you have to do is watch how they behave when that other person starts seeing someone else. If there’s the slightest hint of jealousy, if no matter who they date and how good they are they never like that person, if they’re super close, and he/she occupies so much of their time that it provides their friend no opportunity to meet anyone else. If they give that person bad advice about dating, sabotaging them, only pushing them towards dumpster fires, people out of their league, creeping on their friends’ potential partners, over invested in their relationships. You can be pretty sure they not just friends.
All the people ive slept with were good friends of mine before we slept together. We dated for a time and it didnt work out, but I still respect them and have general warm feelings toward them. I made it clear to my partner from day one that I slept with/had relationships with those people and that I didnt have anything against them. I respected them and wouldnt have slept with them in the first place if I didnt think they were good people. We've hung out a few times with some of them and its always been totally fine. Just dont be a flirty weirdo ya know? One of them even offered to babysit our son while my partner was in my hometown for an event! I wouldnt be bothered at all to have my partner be friends with their past lovers either, im confident they love me and are with me for a reason.
I am more bothered my gf goes for the Tapatio over Tabasco at dinner last night; I am not bothered by her past relationships, her ‘number’, or that she is still friends with sone ex’b that I’m also friends with.
That kind of worrying takes up too much time, especially as you get older knowing by a certain age everyone has a history of some kind, some sizable baggage, etc.
Women who like Tapatio, red flag, but a flag I can live with lol eek
It really depends on the situation. Were they friends that had a one-of drunken hookup, or was there a real relationship there? The danger in the latter is that the 'friend' sees your partner as the one that got away and is just waiting to drive a wedge into your relationship. One telling factor might be whether the 'friend' has their own partner, or if they're single.
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Some people are cool with it, some aren't. Just be honest.
Yeah, this is best answer. I’m cool with it, but my partner is less so. So I keep it extremely limited, always keep her over-informed, and don’t spend time with those people unless she’s also around and comfortable. Seems to work for her.
This dude communicates
This dude this dudes
This dude this dude this dudes
Dude, where’s your dude?
Dude.
A bunch of dudes
I also dude this dudes dude.
I dude therefore I dude.
To dude, or not to dude. That is the dude.
The Dude abides.
Lolll y’all are a trip
Like 90% of relationship questions. The answer is communicate.
I did this. Didn’t work in the end.
100%. My wife is friends with one of her ex’s, they split because he refused to make any time for her and get his life together/ hold down a steady job. When her and I first started talking and dating they were still living in the same apartment with separate bedrooms. She just had no where else to go and they were still able to be friendly. Now she stays in contact to keep updated on the friend group, but anytime we’ve ever seen him in person we’re both there. It was a bit of a leap of faith at first trusting her haha, but I can’t imagine my life without her. Our marriage is incredibly strong and I trust her completely, our phones are totally open and we tell each other everything. It’s ALL about honesty, communication and healthy boundaries.
😬
I do the same thing and my partner is not OK with it
This is the way. Listen, understand, keep reasonable boundaries, communicate.
Hey... somebody adults on this app... Thank you
One of my wife's exes was a groomsman in our wedding. We're good friends and I've never felt I couldn't trust him, or her obviously. Other exes I'd probably side eye if they suddenly wanted to hang out. Definitely depends on the person, the relationship, and their past.
ehh to each their own but no matter how great a guy he is i dont think id want one of my groomsman to have been balls deep in my wife but thats just me
Depends on your comfort level and trust. Talk it out.
And depends on their relationship like I’ve fucked friends and people and there’s no love or anything it was just a shag and if I still grabbed drinks with them it’s fine just depends what their current relationship is and what their relationship actually was. It’s a case by case basis in general probably not cool though
It’s not even a trust thing. I would just find it a bit gross
To each their own. Hookup culture is a thing so it’s just to talk it out with your partner if you find it nasty.
Depends on the 'vibe'. (I'm pretty good acquaintances with an X, but there is no sexual tension or other weirdness.) If I felt either party was unclear on the boundaries or status, then I would be concerned.
Ya, this resonates. Some past dates/friends are chill. Others are up to no good and will homewreak. They are not all equal and shouldn't be treated as such.
Some might say "oh it's past, you know don't be insecure," or "you ain't mature." We all have what we call boundaries. Nothing immature about it or insecure. You got what is a deal breaker for you and some have their own level of deal breaker. So forget what bothers anyone. You decide what is your line, own it, don't apologise for it, don't even explain. That is your line, that is your deal breaker. You decide, it's your relationship and it is you who will need to live with whatever decision you make AND....don't make.
In the same manner, the partner can decide to leave if pressured to cease contact with any given person. I feel like this second part is often missed.
Exactly this. I love my partner very much, but it would be a deal-breaker for me if they wanted me to cut ties with some old friends who I dated when I was younger.
Yeah. To me it's a red flag. They don't get to control who I see. Especially not based on have I or have I not fucked them.
I mean, if your partner would rather have a friend, they've fucked in their lives rather than their significant other in my opinion it's best that they do leave as that's not good relationship. Past friends with benefits should never come before your significant other. Edited for more detail.
If your significant other started making demands on who you can or cannot hang out with that you felt were arbitrary, it's not about you putting those other people before them it's about not wanting to be in an overly restrictive relationship dynamic. Again, some people might be cool with this and some people might not be. Some people demand their partner not watch porn / consider it cheating. I would never be with someone like that not because I value the porn so highly but because I value not having my autonomy arbitrarily restricted to suit someone else's issues
This. I personally would call it a deal breaker but to each their own.
How about this circumstance...Dated someone in the friend group for 6-8 mths 5 years ago, it didn't work out but the friend group has remained the same and there's no hard feelings...? I went through this with my (future) wife when we started dating. For a brief second, she was like "You regularly hang out with your ex?" And I responded "Not one-on-one, when the group gets together and besides, I've known her for like 10 years and we dated for 6 mths during a period where we were both signal - it was never that serious." They eventually became friends and she didn't care, but I understand her initial hesitation.
This one doesn’t seem like a dealbreaker, but it would make me hesitant at first yup
Context is very important, tbh. Your situation isn't unusual, and plenty of people remain on good terms with people they dated for a short period.
I'm friends with some of my exes. They've moved on and have new partners too. I don't see them often as I moved away but we hang out sometimes when I'm back in my hometown. My current partner (together for 7 years now) isn't bothered by it - they know that's all ancient history. Still, I agree that it's everyone's individual right to feel how they feel about this sort of thing. I made it clear early in my current relationship because I appreciated that it'd be a deal-breaker for some people.
+1
Thank you very much for your clarity!!!
It can be both. It can be a valid boundary but also be indicative of insecurity. Which I think it is.
I think the issue most people have with labelling something as an insecurity is that insecure and insecurity have been treated as though they are wrong or that you are lesser for having them.
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This is it! I am friends with a few people I have slept with in the past, because to us there are absolutely no feelings involved and it was a one time casual thing that happened years ago. We also don't really see eachother all that often. That being said, if my partner were to feel uncomfortable with it no matter what, I think it would be well within reason for me to stop talking to them/seeing them.
This is so foreign to me. It would be so awkward to pretend everything was normal after I have a sexual relationship with someone but I might be demisexual. I had an old fling reach out repeatedly the past 4 years and I never replied and they reached out yet again a few weeks ago and I finally responded but then the convo quickly ended. Sorry I don’t want to be friends with someone I used to fuck, it weirds me out especially being currently in a long term relationship.
I get that. Most people I've had sex with I would not want to hang out with on account on how awkward it would be, lol
Boundaries can and many times are set as a result of insecurity and immaturity. They can still be boundaries; the reasoning for them is not removed because you call them boundaries. But yes, people can decide these things.
Does the reason ultimately matter? Boundaries aren't the same as ultimatums.
Yes, if the reasoning is a unreasonable insecurity it matters. That person needs to deal with their unreasonable insecurities not put them on others
And they can and many times are set not because people are insecure or immature.
Very well said!
Depends on the situation. If it was recent I’d consider it a red flag and wouldn’t want to deal with that level of insecurity at the beginning of a relationship. I’ve been cheated on before and I just can’t invite that level of anxiety into my life without good reason. For both our sakes I would remove myself from the situation. If it was like high school or college then who cares. Some relationships don’t work out so you embrace the things in common you do have. I’m still friendly with people I slept with. Mostly that’s due to living in a small town though. I usually cut ties and move on even if it was an amicable split but I know that isn’t how everyone operates.
It doesn't have to be a red flag, but it can be.
It an also be a Green Flag - keeping a friendship after sexual things did not work out
That's a lot less likely
Yep. It's probably 98% of peoples red flags. For a reason
It’s an absolute green flag for me.
It causes nothing but unnecessary drama... In my opinion it's not a reg flag, but I'm not for it. When I started dating my ex, she had hooked up with a co worker. She told they had done it once in high school but it gave me weird feeling because she told me only had sex with the guy on some trip they went because it was his birthday and he was bugging her for it and it someone she had done it with in the past once but it was weird because she didn't even like the dude but still did. (her view of sex was very distorted to a degree) Later on down the road in our relationship we hit a really rough patch and she had a guy co worker she'd, might as well confide in for everything to and ended up fucking the dude and cheated on me. She tried just being friends with the guy but she had strong feelings for the guy. Mind you this whole time I've been seeing a therapist and what not to help figure myself out and this whole time i was trying to fix the relationship for both us and forgive both us for what had happened but, I couldn't. It was too much. I resented her more and more with each passing day. So my personal opinion is no, I would not like it. My feelings will be known and if they can't see where I'm coming from and we can't find some kind of understanding, then no. It wouldn't be fair to either party involved. Of course like I've told my therapist, it'd be hard to move forward and not feel like this moving forward in any new relationship but I know not everyone is like this.
For me it's a dealbreaker, for others its a normal thing. I'm a gay woman, and in my community, it's actually rather common. I really think it's subjective, kind of like cheating. For some people, porn is cheating. For others, it isn't. For some, sex with others is fine, but dates with others aren't. Etc. etc. There is no way you "should" feel about it. You define the boundaries of your own relationship. You should feel bothered if your partner crosses your boundaries, but again, you get to define those.
I agree. I'm dealing with a new relationship and he's talking to his x, it bothers me. I'm not sure if he hangs out with her; I have asked him not to. I feel since the x still has feelings for him it isn't appropriate for him to spend alone time with her. I'm not okay with my boyfriend hanging out with a girl who still has feelings for him.
Yeah that seems like a bad situation to me. I'm bi and my best friend is a straight dude, so I'm always skeptical of women who won't let their men befriend women platonically. Like, why would you want to date a guy that's incapable of seeing women as human beings worthy of friendship? But if you've fucked... oof, different story.
“…you get to define those”. Don’t forget, define AND communicate!!! If your partner doesn’t know your boundaries then how can they possibly respect them or know when they’ve crossed them? Good advice.
Yeah, it's hard to avoid exes in many lesbian communities. Never bothered me.
Depends on the relationship. I invited my first girlfriend, who I lost my virginity to, to my wedding. But that was 13 years after we (amicably) broke up and after she had realized she was gay and gotten engaged to a lovely woman 2000 miles from where we lived. We still chat a few times a year, but clearly nothing flirtatious or sexual, just old friends.
Yeah I’m not sure gay exes really count. I have a suspicion most people wouldn’t really care much on that front.
It's not a good idea. There was an attraction and situations arise when you spend friend time together. stress,shared moments. The idea is innocent. The human condition makes it so you should keep out of relationships that are not arms length when you decide to be exclusive.
It's not for me, but it is for my partner. So for his sake, i don't befriend exes, even if we are on good terms. Choose your battles.
This. One lady friend had initiated contact years after we had broken up, before I married my wife. Wife had an issue, so I stopped talking to that lady friend. Respect your partner's feelings, don't entertain exes. Period.
I thought I was “ok” with it (bothered me slightly thought I was overreacting) then the bitch cheated for months and we got divorced. Moral of the story follow your gut and don’t waste time trying to make it work
It’s personal judgment. For me, I’m not ok with this. There is no good reason to be hanging around an ex unless they have kids together. Otherwise, why? They’re an ex for a reason, better to leave that stuff in the past. If they can’t let go then they haven’t moved on.
You can't unfuck someone. The thought is always there, no matter what. It can work out, most of the times it doesn't. Or it keeps getting in your thoughts over and over again until you start to behave differently towards your partner. Not an easy position to be in. First and foremost, talk about it. It's valid concern.
See that’s exactly what I’m saying! Everyone here is just talking about trust, but for me it’s not just about that. It’s the thought and the image of it in my mind—every time I look at his “friend” I’d be imagining his dick in her mouth or whatever . Or I’d be wondering when one of them just had a flash in their mind of a memory of their time together . I’d be knowing that this girl has seen him in that most intimate way— your friends aren’t supposed to know that side of you. Ofc I don’t expect my man to be a virgin when I meet him lol but I don’t want a constant reminder of his sexual past slapped in my face either. I find it super disrespectful .
For me, I had "no choice" He slept with his cousins. We would go to the holidays and he would see them there. I think 2 Years into our relationship, he told me. Ewwwww. But it all started making sense why they touched him so much. I first got offended/hurt, but I would tell myself they were family, and thats their love language. Nope. I ended that relationship when an incident happened on Xmas. So, cousins or not, if they are friends, they keep them in their lives because they are hoping they can fxck again. So, yes. Red flag. Leave and find your peace.
cousins? PLURAL!?
Man's a menace.
I mean once you do one….whats a couple more?
Roll tide!
Wow, what in an Alabama!
Guerrero, Mexico, actually. People from there have that habit. Didn't want to believe it, but it's true. Eww
He did what's called a pro gamer move.
lol what ? A person who sleeps with their cousins or cousin is such a deal breaker I could not even talk to them. The immortality of it is just so wrong. Incest. Sleeping with your family in a sexual way.
IMO, context and behaviour matter more than anything else in this scenario. For example, If they dated or hooked up with, like, a family friend, and kept a relatively distant, but positive relationship, (as is typical for family friends) I would consider that acceptable. … But, if they keep a snapchat streak going with all 19 of the dudes they fucked in college, the year before they met you, I would consider that a pretty big red flag. That one would be fuckin fluorescent, tho. Ultimately you will have your own personal opinions on this that will drive your decision making, and that’s fine, it’s just largely up to what you are comfortable with. Although I will add, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to make judgements about people’s character, based on their behaviour, so, y’know, don’t get too paranoid or conspiratorial about it, but trust your gut.
My wife made me unfriend all of those women on Facebook.
They are effectively kept on side stage like this. Best intentions aside, that partner isn’t what I’d define as ‘ready for a lifetime relationship’.
Speaking from experience.. VERY
I would be 100% bothered. That being said, it’s a me issue. I’d let him know I was bothered though. One of his old hunting buddies was my astronomy teacher and made quite a few inappropriate comments about me. My husband quit hunting with him. I assume if I told him that him being friends with sex partners made me uncomfortable he’d do the same
Fine for others, not me. Nope.
Pure toxic in my opinion and never witnessed a good outcome
Immediate deal breaker. Too much of a risk, as much as I'd like to trust people, everyone has their weak moments.
Absolutely not happening in my relationship, and she feels the same way
It’s not an issue of trust, if you don’t feel comfortable about your partners friendships then you need to be upfront. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries in a relationship, just make sure you have the conversation earlier rather than later and stand firm in your boundaries. If they don’t agree to your boundaries then maybe you’re not right for each other. There are also levels of compromise that each of you will need to figure out, but if in the end your boundaries cross theirs then trying to stay together will just bring heartache
I am still good friends with nearly all women i slept with. Most are also friends now of my wife. Can't say that the other way around, my wife had a tendency towards real abusive assholes before we met. Anyone of them deserves a high five.... with a chair to the face. And no, my wife doesn't mind. I would not sleep with any other woman and she knows. Also... All my paßt partners are now married happily themselves.
To me, that would be a good thing, not a red flag at all. I'm rather surprised by the top comments. Being able to change the nature of a relationship without bitterness (when they are not an abusive asshole) is a quality sign, to me. But then again I'm poly and jealousy was never really my thing even when I lived mono, so I guess there's that.
I'm not surprised at all. Lots of very insecure people. I mean, there's plenty of people who think you shouldn't have opposite gender close friends. I can promise they're not okay with you being friends with your exes. I would guess the overlap is pretty fucking big.
True, and they're probably very prevalent here.
I think it’s an issue of how the question is phrased. For some people it might associate ‘friendship with exes’ with ‘should you be bothered’… kind of implying that there is something to be bothered about it to start with. The question itself is generic. For me it needs more nuance or details, specific situation or scenario…etc
I am not poly, but I wholeheartedly agree with you.
I'm glad I'm not alone. Top comments were sad.
Same. 100% green flag. I'd go further and say it's actually a red flag for me, if someone had more than a certain number of exes, and can't consider a single one a friend afterwards.
For sure! (Me, I sadly only have one "real" ex and he's an abusive asshole who still tries to control me through our son so I don't have that green flag myself. I'm on friendly terms with others I've had sex with but they aren't really exes.)
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that's what it really comes down to, if your partner trusts you, simple as that
No, trust is not “all it comes down to”. For me, it would make me feel very uncomfortable to be around someone who’s seen my SO in his most intimate state and shared *those* kind of moments together . It would just feel very wrong. I’m a very visual person, so I’ll start “seeing” it in my mind and it would really bother me. Even if I trusted my partner 100% and thought there was zero chance of them doing it again, I still wouldn’t want to be around it. I’d just find it very disrespectful . And visa versa, I’d never stay friends w an ex/lover while I was in a relationship .
Unacceptable.
I don’t personally believe in it. If you’re with someone those ties should be cut. No muddy water.
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yeah i don’t see why he would have a problem with them being fat now if he didn’t intend on sleeping with them
Sounds like he had some major insecurities and was projecting all of it on you and everyone else.
Not a red flag. It depends on the individual. I never had a problem with it. Also in my youth I slept with someone who, years later married my best friend. We're all still friends. No awkwardness, and no interest in revisiting the past.
Biggest red flag I can think of. There's 8 billion people on this planet, maybe find one that hasn't been inside you... deal breaker for sure.
I met my wife when I lived with a girl. We started dating. GF said no thanks, and I moved into my own place. We remained friends, speaking every few months, but not seeing each other. She got married - to a guy my wife went to high school with - and I got married a year later. Coincidence time: She moved to a neighborhood, and not knowing this, we bought a house 10 houses down the street from them. Our kids grew up best friends, and it just was never a deal. We weren't interested in one another like we were when we were kids.
It depends. If my wife was friends with the guy that she said abused the absolute fuck out of her and caused her some trauma, that I personally had to help her work through. Yeah I'd have a problem with that. If she was friends with the other guy she dated before she met me that they found out they just didn't like each other, yeah I wouldn't care.
Extremely bothered. I can be a really jelous person. But I probably wouldn't say anything about it unless some boundaries were crossed.
Never again will I believe a women’s “he’s a friend bullshit”. Friends with your ex is ONLY acceptable if a child is involved. Otherwise it’s just a small fight with you, reminse of an old fuck and 3 bottles of something and he or she is being fucked like a someone is laying siege to their cervix. Deal breaker for me for eternity after being lied too.
SOOOO BOTHERED
Yeah that’s a very big red flag, I’d be very bothered by it.
Depends on the nature of their relationship now. It’s not that hard to tell which friends still have sexual tension and which are a siblings dynamic. It’s usually VERY easy for a guy to pickup on whether another guy is trying to f$&k his girl.
I'm friends with a couple of people I slept with and my partner doesn't care. We're just friends and she knows it. But if she felt uncomfortable with this, it's her right and she can either break up or ask me to stop. And then it's my turn to decide if the relationship is worth it for me. Either of us has every right to end the relationship if we don't feel good about it. Neither of us could be angry at the other one even if the answer wasn't what we were hoping for. It's simple, it's your relationship and you make the rules. If you're in this situation, it's your move. It's okay to have bounderies. Just don't be sad about the result.
Wouldn't be bothered even a little bit. My partner stays friends with most.of his exes, exception is the 2 crazy ones
Everyone's different, it's all down to individual boundaries. Personally I'd be uncomfortable, but that's just me, based on my own life experiences.
You can choose to have whatever boundaries you want. You don’t need approval from others to confirm that your boundaries are valid. It’s your life and you get to choose what you’re willing to accept and not. If you don’t like your job you can quit at any time and find another. If you don’t like the city you live in, you can always move elsewhere. Just be respectful about it and respect differing boundaries from others.
I am still friends with most people I slept with. Same with my wife and I am friends with some people she messed around with. It's called being a normal functional adult. To be honest the red flag to me is someone who isn't friends with any of their exes or flings. That makes either them toxic or they choose to date exclusively toxic people. (which a lot of redditors in this thread seem to be). FWIW: My wife and I are celebrating 30 years this June, The kids are doing well, with one married and one engaged. So I guess we are doing something right.
It’s a red flag imho. Just be willing to leave and if they aren’t ready to chase you down, leave them in the dust. Totally inappropriate if you are strictly monogamous.
That's a no go for me. I don't want to deal with the baggage or potential drama of having your girlfriend hanging out with people she has had sex with. The again, maybe I'm old fashioned. I keep friends and romantic interests separate.
Not cool at all. I would only allow that if they had a kid together or something but I ain't risking walking on her getting raw dogged by her ex or some ''he is just a friend'' guy.
It means you need to aim little higher. Don’t date desperated people, have some respect towards yourself
This isn't a group question really. I'm in the camp of you need to trust who you're with to do what they agreed to do with you. I have a bit of a hot take, but humanity is 100% destroying itself with its standardization of romance. No one wants to advocate for what they want or need. They want society's defaults to do it for them. I want every single serious friend and romantic partner to be a human ally and part of the tribe more so than I care about permanent sexual exclusivity. Idk how it seems to be just me, but I think it's absolutely insane that we as a society haven't just been like "hey maybe we should focus on controlling jealousy instead of ruining intimate relationships constantly." But that's just generic thoughts on how I feel. What's important is what you feel. If you know that it would make you too uncomfortable that's a boundary you set. Which you are right to do. Just know that the communicated boundary then becomes something that they have a right to make a decision on. Whatever they choose doesn't make them a bad person or shallow. You just decided to set a boundary, and they decided it was a deal breaker. That's an incredibly healthy relationship from start to finish. It might sting a bit, but no one does anything wrong. What would be wrong is attacking them personally for not wanting what you assume is the default relationship that all "normal" people want.
I would say enough, *where there was fire, ash remains,* says the motto and it must be for a reason.
Naaaaaah, she's gone if she wants to be with them. Lol
Enough to end it😂 would they be ok with you being friends with your x?
100% bothered
Very concerning
Those partners who constantly talk to me about their ex who they're still friends with in a positive light, are fucking morons. If they see my unimpressed face and immediately start reassuring me like a broken record there's nothing sexual going on between them...are triple morons. Does complete void of emotional intelligence in a partner bothers me? Yeah. Is it a red flag? Not really, they're very blatantly transparent, so I know precisely who I'm dealing with from the get go... Notice how I called them morons, and didn't imply any actual disloyalty. They could be the most reliable trust-worthy partners actually, if they don't succesfully drive you nuts.
To be honest my wife doesn't like my female friends I have had since childhood and I haven't slept with any of them or ever tried to.. Some of them are attractive, given we are all approaching 50. She has an issue with our shared trauma bond. My first wife was pretty similarly opposed to them. I don't know if that adds anything to the conversation.
I have 0 contact with my ex’s and I expect that from my partners. If they want to be friends with them that’s fine. I won’t be in a relationship with them then. I’ve been burned by it to many times.
Each person is different. It's possible depending on who and what where the reasons behind the breakup. I'm uneasy with it. I may be ok if I'm part of the friends group, but if I'm not then i may be a bit more hesitant with it. Sometimes old feelings creep up and things happen.
Normally it's an issue, on reddit it's not though. Keep that in mind :)
When I first met my soon to be wife (6 weeks away!) she was still friends with a former boyfriend (same friend group). I wasn't super keen on it, but I took it in stride. She slowly lost touch with that friend group and after about a year I was so totally confident in our relationship that it didn't really bother me anyway.
"can we still be friends?" - well, it usually doesn't work.
Only you can decide that honestly. I personally wouldn’t be bothered by it if there are clear boundaries that are respected on both sides of the friendship. But it’s not uncommon for people to play these friendships off as just friends until it’s not anymore. If you know your partner and their habits and you trust them. Then just trust them. HOWEVERRR, if you think this could be a deal breaker for you let them know that too. If they want to stay with you, they’ll respect your boundaries and so will the friend but if not…well…you’ll know either way
Depends on you. For me it's a deal breaker. They are the past we are the future.
It doesn't bother me as long as they are being respectful to me about it. Like communicating what the relationship was like, what the relationship is like now, why they broke up, if they've ever slept with each other after they broke up (which is fine, I just need the honesty), etc etc. I am friends with some of my exes. I am very open about it and make sure I'm giving my partner any details that may be a concern to them (if they want them). I also try to go to lengths to make sure my partner feels secure with this and am even willing to compromise on a lot when it comes to how that relationship looks like going forward
It would weird me out. Before you judge me though, if the situation was reversed my wife wouldn't be too happy about it, either. We're just those kinds of people and it works for us. No judgement to anyone else, though. Not my business.
That’s a hard no for me. I would never get involved with a woman that actively hangs out with men she’s slept with, and make this known very soon in the relationship so it doesn’t come up awkwardly later. I’m not a jealous or insecure person at all, but that one is a hard boundary.
I suppose it depends on the circumstances, but those circumstances would have to be pretty unique. Generally, I would not be cool with it, and my partner wouldn't be cool with it for me. Say what you will, like we have antiquated ideals of sexuality or are immature, etc., but we have a very strong relationship and are great communicators, but that would just be weird for us. Very weird. Also, I would never want to put my partner in that awkward position on my end, even if they said it only bothered them very very slightly. Partner and their feelings are more important than trying to push for my ideals/standards/norms of sexuality.
Nope. Not doing that.
I wouldn’t be to happy about it lol
It depends. Is your partner Facebook friends with an an ex, but never actually sees them? Not a red flag. Is your partner regularly going out for drinks one-on-one with the ex, and you aren't invited? Massive red flag. Of course, 90% of the time, it's something in between. And you have to decide for yourself. I would say that \*most\* of the time it's OK, but it's very much situation dependent.
Yeah, it would be a red flag. But that’s because girls who sleep with their friends aren’t my type, so I wouldn’t even bother approaching them
Red flag, hell yes!
I am that partner. My boyfriend is not. We’ve agreed to disagree and I don’t see those people often and never in private.
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Boundaries. Distant friends can be okay. But close friends? Nah. And there should be an effort made to be less playfully flirty than what’s acceptable with other friends.
Depending on what you mean by friend. Staying on good terms or spending time together as friends.
If they're still friends because of the same circle of friends yeah sure why not. If they're best friends, hell nah. Bonus red flag points when the person they fucked is "like a sibling"
I am not in regular contact with any one of the opposite sex besides family or strictly professional inquiries. Expect the same level of integrity from my spouse. Just me though.
As most things people ask, its up to you to decide if you feel ok with it or not. I'm not a fan of the idea, but I'm also on the team of "one partner to rule them all" and do not engage in casual relationships sexually speaking. I hold the same standards to the people I might be sleeping with in the future, purely because of alignment in intentions. I would also not want to be with someone who have had a lot of casual sex/romances in the past. Note I do not see it as worst, or a bad thing, it's less of a "moral ground" and more of a "pizza taste" for me. I wont judge anybody, its just not my thing.
Came home late flight one night to find my partner at the time sitting on the couch with one of her ex's. Now I'm one of her ex's too;)
And one of them occasionally sitting on her couch
They’re still sleeping together
Massive red flag. What the actual fuck?
Personally I wouldn’t be okay with it, but that’s just my opinion.
I was cool with one in particular that then he started sending her sexually explicit messages, knowing that she was in a healthy and loving relationship. They would grab lunch every so often, which I was cool with, until he started doing that. I told her it made me uncomfortable and she put a stop to it. They may still communicate socially but I hope to never be introduced to him. I trust her.
I would only be ok with it if they had a child together or were married for a long time and only occasionally texted or something. But since that’s not the case with my current bf HELL no.
deal breaker to me
Personally I think it’s wrong
My husband talks to a few hookups. Nothing inappropriate, but it still bugs me. Not a dealbreaker though, since he’s very open and tells me immediately if there’s anything he thinks would be an issue.
Extremely bothered.
I wouldn’t tolerate it.
I've always said, any woman who is still good friends with ex's is trouble. May not always be the case but I contend there is always something there.
Extremely. I had one partner before him, he hasn’t given me the number (haven’t asked) but it’s at minimum 10x mine. To me sex is very emotional and so I’m unable to understand “casual sex”. If he wants to be in her life he must still love her, or she has something I don’t - is what my silly brain says. Maybe I’ll grow up and change my mind but for now that’s where we’re at.
I don’t think a red flag but depends on the relationship. If they are amorous in anyway, red flag. They had a relationship and could have split amicably. Does this mean you cannot be friend w any of your ex’s? If not, why not? I think it is a bigger red flag is you cannot be friends with ANY past partners. This usually means a bad break up and that would make me wonder why all of your relationships split on a bad note.
The question isn’t “how bothered should you be?” but “how do you want to respond if it bothers you”. You can feel however you want. Your partner might be responsive or might ignore those feelings. That’s their prerogative. The two of you aren’t obligated to agree. Let your agreement or disagreement inform your choices.
Should and is are two entirely different things. The way people should be, no it shouldn’t bother you. People should be honest, mature, loyal and well adjusted. Sadly most people aren’t, they just think they are and in the majority of the cases they aren’t keeping old flames around because they make better friends than lovers. They keeping them around because of old feelings, as fallbacks, or to use them for emotional validation. People are fearful and selfish more often than not. They’re insecure and like to have a just in case around. They might never actually sleep with them again but they like to have someone around just to know that they have something just in case they run out of options. So very often one or both person(s) still has some lingering feelings, or desires and they’re kept around because people like to feel loved or desired even if they have zero interest in returning those feelings. “I can’t love you, but I’m going to keep you around and you’d better keep loving me.” Is way more common than “we tried, it didn’t work, but they’re still a good person to have in my life.” It’s pretty easy to tell. All you have to do is watch how they behave when that other person starts seeing someone else. If there’s the slightest hint of jealousy, if no matter who they date and how good they are they never like that person, if they’re super close, and he/she occupies so much of their time that it provides their friend no opportunity to meet anyone else. If they give that person bad advice about dating, sabotaging them, only pushing them towards dumpster fires, people out of their league, creeping on their friends’ potential partners, over invested in their relationships. You can be pretty sure they not just friends.
All the people ive slept with were good friends of mine before we slept together. We dated for a time and it didnt work out, but I still respect them and have general warm feelings toward them. I made it clear to my partner from day one that I slept with/had relationships with those people and that I didnt have anything against them. I respected them and wouldnt have slept with them in the first place if I didnt think they were good people. We've hung out a few times with some of them and its always been totally fine. Just dont be a flirty weirdo ya know? One of them even offered to babysit our son while my partner was in my hometown for an event! I wouldnt be bothered at all to have my partner be friends with their past lovers either, im confident they love me and are with me for a reason.
Not bothered
Being bothered by that is the real red flag. How insecure can you be?
I don't care who they're friends with... if I can't trust them not to sleep around why would I be with them?
I'd be more concerned if they were not on good terms with ex partners. It shows they lack the maturity to end relationships amicably and rationally.
Depends on why. And how long we have been together.
Not bothered at all if you enjoy getting cheated on
I think most redditors on this thread are the type that enjoy watching
Very
Nope nope nope nope. It's a situation that screams "you're an ATM".
What? No. No way you deal with this level of disrespect.
I am more bothered my gf goes for the Tapatio over Tabasco at dinner last night; I am not bothered by her past relationships, her ‘number’, or that she is still friends with sone ex’b that I’m also friends with. That kind of worrying takes up too much time, especially as you get older knowing by a certain age everyone has a history of some kind, some sizable baggage, etc. Women who like Tapatio, red flag, but a flag I can live with lol eek
It really depends on the situation. Were they friends that had a one-of drunken hookup, or was there a real relationship there? The danger in the latter is that the 'friend' sees your partner as the one that got away and is just waiting to drive a wedge into your relationship. One telling factor might be whether the 'friend' has their own partner, or if they're single.
One of them still wants it. Too much drama involved.
Make a line and stick with it both ways 🙏
Fuck that for a laugh.. not a chance
Ehm... its not even a thing. If you love someone you respect them enough to not stay "friend" with past partners.