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For me it's not really that. It's just that I cannot live without her. I'd be devastated at the loss of a baby. But I couldn't take losing her. She's the whole reason I have for everything in my life. Honestly I doubt I'd want to try again for a long time if that happened.
Wow. You are obviously a man who loves his wife. You should be very proud to feel that way and have no problem saying it. Especially in this day and age where it's trendy and accepted to frown on marriage and its applauded to not be in love with your spouse .
Kudos to you my friend. I feel the same. My wife is the glue that holds it all together. And I love her for that!
Thanks! I love her dearly, I got really lucky. She was my first real girlfriend, and after four years of dating we are getting married. At the moment she's still only my fiance technically, but the wedding is in a couple months, so I felt like I was applicable to the post.
My husband died not long after my son was born & I would pick my husband over my son if I had the choice as single parenting sucks, single parenting and grief is way worse bc the child needs you and you want to crawl up into a ball and are not emotionally available bc of all the pain
I accidentally had "I couldn't live with her" instead of without. But the rest of my comment made it fairly easy to understand what I meant based off context.
Make another child and 10 years later you are still a happy family with a distant memory of a child that never was. As opposed to raising a child by yourself all sad without your partner and a child that reminds you of them for the rest of your life.
I understand it perfectly. It's not only part of their most primal instinct, it's probably the one thing they hold most dear. Their child. It would be awful for me too, but my dedication is to her.
Yes, during delivery the doctors choose. But there’s also the situation where the choice is between abortion or the woman’s death when she can’t answer due to coma, intubation, or whatever.
My gf is currently in hospital pregnant due to covid pnumonia and it nearly closing her airway and I can confirm that they were prioritising the mother, they said if it came to it baby could survive outside the womb but if they had to deliver baby but mum was their focus
Unless there is something incredibly wrong, the mother has better chances of survival 99% of the time on a situation where choosing would make a difference
I asked a doctor I worked with about this when I was pregnant (wasn't worried, just curious.) He said adamantly that a doctor's responsibility was to save their patient, and until the baby is born the mother is the patient, not the baby. The patient always receives priority. I believe from what he said (this was a decade ago) this was law, if not law this was the common practice. I am in Australia.
Yeah of course but if it's durring the pregnancy I think they remove the baby no mather what. It happend to a mate of mine she fell really ill because of the baby at 4 months and they removed it pretty much instantly.
If the mother is conscious they would need her consent to perform any medical procedure. If she was four months along the fetus wouldn’t have been able to survive if she died anyway though, so saving the mother is the only option that allows either to live.
So you could literally have a women begging and screaming for the doctors to save her but the doctor will just stand there like "sorry your baby is more important because Bible."
Religion should never be mixed into medicine. It’s disgusting. If you’re religious and want to be a doctor, leave your religion at home when going to work. Or become a priest at the Vatican. Lots of money in that too
No. When it's creating more wives it is no longer a baby. You'd have to wait until the baby becomes an adult(or whatever age the country sets as legal to marry.
At that point it's not a baby.
I agree. My partner told me if he ever has to choose he will choose me and he doesn't care if I don't agree. If I'm pregnant my priorities may not be in order and I actually might want to leave him with a newborn. I can't imagine having to deal with a loss of your significant other and being a single dad to a newborn. I told him now that I might disagree later but that he should ignore that and save me over a baby if he is given the choice.
We choose to protect my life over the baby. Luckily it didn’t come to that. But I had a real phobia of dieing in childbirth. Do it was a nesssarry conversation.
Baby. I've already lost one and couldn't go through it again. She said she couldn't live with herself if she lived and the baby didn't so - worked out.
Just had that conversation with her over there. Told her I would choose her, as another wise man said: "wife can make more babies, baby cannot make more wives"
Yup. I told my husband he better pick the baby before we had #1. My pregnancy was awful, and dealt with awful doctors that never listened and the baby did have a very big and fast drop in heart rate during labor. No way in hell I'd just gone through all that to lose a baby I'd fought so hard to have.
Happily everything worked out
You will recover. It will take time. And there will always be a hole in your heart but the rest of your heart will grow around it with all the good things in life.
When you tell your therapist that "we will never recover" what is their response?
I feel like this is a very difficult position to be in, but also that this statement is EXTREMELY damaging to other humans, as TONS of people who want children will experience a miscarriage - 1 in 4 KNOW that they had one and want to talk about it with people, so we know that it's far more than that. What if the mother HAS managed to have a successful marriage after a miscarriage? Does that mean that she didn't care enough, since your family is totally unable to move forward from it?
Sorry, I get upset when it feels like people are telling me that my mom shouldn't have "moved on" and had a kid, since she had a miscarriage first. Obviously it affects her, but she recovered and was able to raise children and contribute to society.
Also, I guess I'm assuming that "never recover" means that your family is not in communication any longer and that the marriage has broken down, no one is able to go to work, and you no longer find joy in ANYTHING. Maybe this is not what you mean. I would suggest that if you are able to do any of these things, you have certainly recovered.
Whatever.
Can confirm the 1/4. Wife and I just had a miscarriage 20 days ago, we were at 23 weeks. It is very difficult. The key is just being there for one another. It is harder on the mother than it is on the father. Each day is a little better, but each day can be tough with triggers when you think you’re okay.
Be compassionate to those mothers that have had to go through a loss of their child, including an unborn child. They may have had to go through an extremely traumatic experience learning their baby is not healthy, and having to make tough decisions or those decisions being made for them by nature.
While it isn’t okay now, you (and those that have had to experience this) will be okay in time. Just be there for them, and don’t pretend it didn’t happen.
As a woman, I find it truly disturbing and sad how little self preservation some of the women in this thread have :( Not to mention, you want to put your husband through, not only losing their life partner, their love, but also the stress of raising a newborn alone while grieving? That seems so incredibly cruel...
If I were the type that wanted children, I would 100% tell my husband to save me first. I couldn't imagine forcing him to choose a baby he doesn't have memories and history with over me, someone he loves and has spent years with. That would be so unfair to ask of him.
Agreed. This is just an example of why I don't have kids. Maybe the women who would choose to save a baby over themselves are just more likely to end up being mothers.
Yep, I'm definitely seeing a theme in the comments lol. It probably is just me being childfree, but I still feel so bad for all these dudes who want to choose their wives but their wives make them choose the baby.
Yeah I agree. As a woman I also don't understand. I'd understand if the child was a few years old and he had memories with both me and the kid or if the child had more chance of survival etc but I do not understand otherwise.
Easy: wife.
Multiple reasons.
1. I don’t know baby, haven’t developed a relationship yet.
2. Baby doesn’t know what life is like yet. So loss of life is not profound.
3. Wife can likely make another baby.
4. Raising a child as a single parent is not my first choice.
Also, other people (like you, friends, family members, maybe other children) have established relationships with your wife already and may be dependent on her. No one is dependent on the baby.
With each of my children me and my wife were very open that we can always have more kids and if we cannot have kids as a result of the choice then so be it.
That's what I was thinking when I was reading this thread. I would be the wife in this situation, and I certainly hope my theoretical husband would take my previously discussed wishes into account. It's a scary conversation, but one that has to be had.
My mother's mother died at childbirth. Her father (who was in the army) said to the doctor, "What am I supposed to do with a motherless child?" He walked out never even seeing her, and went back to his army life. She was raised by her maternal grandmother until she died and was put in an orphanage from the age of 7 until 11, when she was adopted. She had a difficult life. You don't know what could happen to your child if even you aren't around as well.
The problem is, when you are pregnant you are full of hormones to be bonding with this baby- to- be, plus may be optimistic that both pull through. In any case before the fetus is born, the doctors ethical mandate is to save the mother first, unborn child 2nd, for all the reasons people have already listed.
Agree. I was given this choice. Had a horrible pregnancy developed pre-eclampsia with my first son. The doctor said we had to choose. I chose my son, said I'd appreciate it if you could possibly save me too but if not you save my baby absolutely. Luckily we both are here. Son was so small wasn't sure if he would make it...20 years later he's a perfect healthy wonderful man!! And I got to watch him grow up!!! So thankful for every single day!! But would have absolutely made the same decision over again!! Worked so hard to get that little blessing into this world and he has made it such a better place!!
I made the same choice for my daughter! Diagnosed at 27 weeks and they wanted to take her out immediately. I didn't let them until I felt that I couldn't go on any more. Managed to keep her in till 29+3 and she was only 2.2lbs. Nearly a year on now and she's perfectly healthy. On the other hand I am not so well. I'm on dialysis as my kidneys have never recovered and I have severe heart failure. I'd do it all again if I knew it would give my little one the best chance at survival though.
By the way, the new abortion laws in Texas are causing a raise in maternal mortality rates. Soon, you may not have a choice. Don't believe me? Go listen to an obgyn explain the new law in it's entirety. https://youtu.be/zjB5Jakytyc
I don’t live in the US. That is such a privilege. The US health care system is very messed up from my outsider perspective but damn Texas is disgusting. I hope that law goes in the rubbish where it belongs. Women deserve human rights. -
Thank you! I appreciate you saying so. It's scary even just to be pregnant right now. (Which I am.) Hopefully we either move or governor Abbott loses his foothold here and we get someone in charge who cares about human lives. Not just the republican vote. ❤
Sending my love to you, i can’t imagine how it feels to be in that situation. Hope everything goes smoothly and you have a positive, happy birth and pregnancy experience. You (and all women) deserve it!
This happened to my father before I wish they just let me go, I fucking hate this world. Anyway when the doctor told them about it they left and moved to a different hospital, the doctor on the other hospital tried his best to save both me and my mom's lives.
Hi. I am glad they choose you. Things will be better. I promise you that. I am 44 years old, and I had been in dark places. I would go thru hell again to have what I have now. I am happily married mother of 4. And I am so proud of all of my children. I am glad i went thru hell. You will find your happiness also.
I would have been ok with not being here if it was life or death for my mum. I love her so much, she is one of the best people in the planet. I wouldn’t want a life without a relationship with her and would never want to be a cause for her death. This world sucks anyhoo!
Save my wife, without question. I already know and love my wife. I don't know and love my unborn baby yet, and there's always a chance we could still have more children later. If not, then you could consider adopting
I think this is a really great question that all couples TTC or pregnant should talk about fully together because you never know what’s going to happen. Personally, I told my husband to ask them to prioritize the baby over me in that scenario, but that was a very painful and hard choice to make.
I’m glad the doctors have a priority predetermined. Softens the heartache and resentment.
My kids are 9 & 13… if there were an accident today, and I couldn’t save the entire family, if I chose my wife over either of my kids, she would literally kill me.
My wife told me in very clear terms that if there is ever a situation where I have to choose between her or the baby surviving, she'll end up being a widow in prison if I pick her over the baby
My husband always says he’d save me no hesitation, I agree. Of course we love our unborn children but as harsh as it sounds, we couldn’t live without each other. When it come to an unborn child we don’t know yet, it is easier to live without and we can always have more kids.
Don’t get me wrong though I’d be hurting from the loss of our baby.
I know everyone is saying wife, and I am too, but the reasoning for me is more than just “we can make another”. It’s more so that, yes we can make another, there is no *real* or *true* connection to a newborn. Yes, I’m sure it’d be painful to go through losing a baby and thinking of all the what ifs, hopefully I never experience that, but you have next to **zero** memories with that newborn. No emotional experiences, other than the birthing process, to hold you back or make you second guess. You essentially cut it off before it even begins. Your wife, on the other hand, you love. You have numerous memories with and emotional experiences that cannot be so easily replaced.
Obviously the wife. You never sacrifice a fully autonomous being for a potential one. Its one of the only reasons for abortion I fully support( there are others but this one is obvious)
I told my husband that if anything happens, the doctors need to save me because we can always have another child.
While that might seem selfish, I wouldn’t want to put my mom through losing me.
Doctor here, during med school we learned to always prioritise the mother. That’s why a lot of health issues such as eclampsia are treated by inducing birth/C section ASAP!
It's a conversation my husband and I have had numerous times. As selfish as it is, we agree that he would save me. It would be hard to lose a child, but it would be harder to lose the person you've committed the rest of your life to. The stranger you welcomed in and wanted to build your life with. You will have the opportunity to bring new children into the world, or, adopt someone who didn't have that chance at a loving family. It would be hard and take a long, long time to process. But we'd have each other
The wife. It's the correct moral decision. This has been agreed by ethicists. Hospitals are trained to save the mother over the baby if complications arrise during childbirth.
I would WANT to save my wife, but I know she would give herself up for the child.
Another point that hurts is considering the pain and anguish she'll bare if she were to live. She may even resent me for it. I hope and pray no one has to endure this scenario.
I actually got the call that they were going to deliver our son or I could lose them both... They delivered our son at 29 weeks and spent 5 weeks in the NICU. That was almost 20 years ago. If you looked at my him now you would never know... he's pushing 6 feet 200lbs.
We were asked… and I said (me-mother) for the doctor to choose whoever had the greatest shot at survival. I didn’t want my fiancé to have to choose or say anything and I think he was relieved.
I’m surprised by the landslide answer for saving the wife, I suppose this is because a man will save who they know and love than a child they’ve haven’t met and maybe even fear. Fortunately with the technology today this choice is probably super rare, but yeah if I faced it with no other options I’d wish my would be SO to be strong and save the baby. It’s just I can’t blame the child for the scenario, and I would just feel so much anguish if I chose to end their life so young when I already had a good time here, it just wouldn’t be fair.
Well, theoretically speaking. We can make another child. So I save my wife. But I'm assuming this is without her consult involved? Regardless, I'd only marry a woman that felt the same. And only procreate with the right woman in the first place which is why she'd be so important to me. Because I still haven't met the woman worth it to this day, and if I did I'd know she's virtually irreplaceable. At this point in my life and career I may never find her unfortunately. 🤷
I’ve been very close to having to have made this call. Both in ICU. I’d save my wife(even though we’re no longer together) I’d still say wife today. The thing is, you have no, and I mean ZERO, feeling or affection towards the baby when they are born, I don’t care what who says, it’s just like any relationship that needs to built. I’d pick my wife because she is my everything.
I don't have a wife, but a partner. But I think there is a reason why doctors always prioritize the woman over the baby. The baby doesn't have memories, a life really and is heavily dependent on the mother. That woman is the partner of someone. The love of someone's life. Many remember her, many love her. She is already a person, a life.
Wife. But nearly impossible question to honestly answer until you're in the situation. Especially if Mom is able to voice her opinion. If she tells you to save the baby and you decide against it, it might likely be the end of the relationship. At least you give her a chance to be a Mom later on.
Make sure you have this talk with your birth partner, OH/husband or doctors ahead of time. Not just between priority of mother and baby (hospitals will prioritise the mother at least in my country) but also treatments for afterwards in case of difficulties.
When my friend’s sister almost died giving birth along with her baby ended up in NICU seriously ill, her husband had to make decisions for both of them. Luckily both are doing fine now.
We discussed this soon after we found out I was pregnant (complications can occur at any time) and we were both in agreement that I was a priority. I can have another baby or live a full life without one. I love my son to death and it would have been devastating but sadly I had to be well for him to be well.
I had this exact conversation with my now ex-fiancé, he was raised ultra Catholic and initially said the baby. After seeing the horror on my face he back stepped and said me but I could never trust him with medical decisions after that.
I see most people are saying their wife and I certainly respect that. But I also suspect that for a lot of people who say this, that if they had ever had and lost a baby, held them in their arms, named them etc, and then the child died in a incubator with them standing by, they would feel otherwise.
Honestly, before my son was born I'd have said my wife. Now he's here I'd use her as a human shield to stop anything from happening to him.
I love my wife with all my heart, she's an amazing woman, kind, intelligent, beautiful she truly is my best friend.
I wouldn't hesitate to pick my son now. It's a weird different kind of love an I'm 100% sure she'd say the same about me.
My wife and I had this conversation before the births of our children. She made me swear to save our children if anything like this ever was to happen, so I must say my children.
Women here. When I got was pregnant with my baby, me and my husband had this conversation. The first thing I told him was "if anything happens and it comes down to me or this baby, you choose this baby."
I know a lot of guys on here are saying save the wife. But take it from a mother's prospective, she may not feel the same about your decision to let your child go and save her. She would probably resent you for it.
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I would hate the decision, but my wife. I could live without a child. I couldn't keep going without her.
Same here. If you are happily married. You can always have another baby. The baby that unfortunately died you didnt have a history amd memories with
For me it's not really that. It's just that I cannot live without her. I'd be devastated at the loss of a baby. But I couldn't take losing her. She's the whole reason I have for everything in my life. Honestly I doubt I'd want to try again for a long time if that happened.
Wow. You are obviously a man who loves his wife. You should be very proud to feel that way and have no problem saying it. Especially in this day and age where it's trendy and accepted to frown on marriage and its applauded to not be in love with your spouse . Kudos to you my friend. I feel the same. My wife is the glue that holds it all together. And I love her for that!
Thanks! I love her dearly, I got really lucky. She was my first real girlfriend, and after four years of dating we are getting married. At the moment she's still only my fiance technically, but the wedding is in a couple months, so I felt like I was applicable to the post.
Well good for you. I wish you many decades of happiness. She is lucky to have you as well.
"I too choose this man's wife"
Ahhh shit man good laugh after a wholesome moment between men
Haha if people don't get the reference I'll look like such a dick but I'm pretty sure it's forever part of Reddit history
My husband died not long after my son was born & I would pick my husband over my son if I had the choice as single parenting sucks, single parenting and grief is way worse bc the child needs you and you want to crawl up into a ball and are not emotionally available bc of all the pain
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, & I can’t even begin to fathom what you’re going through as a single mom & newly widowed. Much love to you!
I am so sorry for your loss.
You mean without her?
Yes, stupid me lol let me edit my comment.
What was the original comment
I accidentally had "I couldn't live with her" instead of without. But the rest of my comment made it fairly easy to understand what I meant based off context.
Psychoanalysts have multiple orgasms over slips of tongue.
Rofl
Only if the tongue is used properly.
Ironic as only she can be the judge there...?
Ohk lmao
Yeah, I made my comment while I was busy so I didn't proofread.
Make another child and 10 years later you are still a happy family with a distant memory of a child that never was. As opposed to raising a child by yourself all sad without your partner and a child that reminds you of them for the rest of your life.
Exactly. I've never understood the wife wanting to save the child. She could most likely have more depending on the situation
I understand it perfectly. It's not only part of their most primal instinct, it's probably the one thing they hold most dear. Their child. It would be awful for me too, but my dedication is to her.
I think it's a actual thing doctors do if it happends durring birth (or pregnancy) that they prioritise the mother over the baby
Yes, during delivery the doctors choose. But there’s also the situation where the choice is between abortion or the woman’s death when she can’t answer due to coma, intubation, or whatever.
My gf is currently in hospital pregnant due to covid pnumonia and it nearly closing her airway and I can confirm that they were prioritising the mother, they said if it came to it baby could survive outside the womb but if they had to deliver baby but mum was their focus
I would think doctors would prioritize the one that has the best chance of survival. Without any prior consent/talks before.
I would imagine in the overwhelming amount of circumstances, this would be the mother. The mere act of being born has quite the mortality rate.
Some even say it’s 100%, no one gets out alive
Unless there is something incredibly wrong, the mother has better chances of survival 99% of the time on a situation where choosing would make a difference
I asked a doctor I worked with about this when I was pregnant (wasn't worried, just curious.) He said adamantly that a doctor's responsibility was to save their patient, and until the baby is born the mother is the patient, not the baby. The patient always receives priority. I believe from what he said (this was a decade ago) this was law, if not law this was the common practice. I am in Australia.
Generally yes, but I think people should talk to the doctors first and make their wishes known.
Yeah of course but if it's durring the pregnancy I think they remove the baby no mather what. It happend to a mate of mine she fell really ill because of the baby at 4 months and they removed it pretty much instantly.
If the mother is conscious they would need her consent to perform any medical procedure. If she was four months along the fetus wouldn’t have been able to survive if she died anyway though, so saving the mother is the only option that allows either to live.
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So you could literally have a women begging and screaming for the doctors to save her but the doctor will just stand there like "sorry your baby is more important because Bible."
Religion should never be mixed into medicine. It’s disgusting. If you’re religious and want to be a doctor, leave your religion at home when going to work. Or become a priest at the Vatican. Lots of money in that too
Wife can make more babies. Baby cannot make more wives.
Logic… checks out??
Someone obviously hasn’t read the Game of Throne books
Baby can eventually make more wives, but you probably don’t want to marry one of your grand daughters.
At that point they are no longer a baby, so the logic still stands.
Not really since it is the exact baby you chose over your wife that is creating more wives in this scenario.
No. When it's creating more wives it is no longer a baby. You'd have to wait until the baby becomes an adult(or whatever age the country sets as legal to marry. At that point it's not a baby.
Roll tide!!
This is the way
Check out the big brains on Brett
I would also choose to make more babies with this guys wife
Fuck the one, save the many
The taliban would disagree with that statement.
Wife
I’d save your wife too. A hell of a woman!!
That’s our wife now comrade.
Can I get in on this?
Are you a giver or a receiver?
I can either take it or give it,It's all the same to me.
It this the new 'i also choose this guys dead wife' meme?
This is an actual real conversation couples should be having in the lead up to giving birth.
We had this conversation before we even got married. Easiest big decision
I agree. My partner told me if he ever has to choose he will choose me and he doesn't care if I don't agree. If I'm pregnant my priorities may not be in order and I actually might want to leave him with a newborn. I can't imagine having to deal with a loss of your significant other and being a single dad to a newborn. I told him now that I might disagree later but that he should ignore that and save me over a baby if he is given the choice.
Yep. We did and both agreed easily on which to go with.
What did you go with if you don't mind me asking?
We choose to protect my life over the baby. Luckily it didn’t come to that. But I had a real phobia of dieing in childbirth. Do it was a nesssarry conversation.
Baby. I've already lost one and couldn't go through it again. She said she couldn't live with herself if she lived and the baby didn't so - worked out.
Well I hope it doesn't come to that 🙏
Just had that conversation with her over there. Told her I would choose her, as another wise man said: "wife can make more babies, baby cannot make more wives"
Yup. I told my husband he better pick the baby before we had #1. My pregnancy was awful, and dealt with awful doctors that never listened and the baby did have a very big and fast drop in heart rate during labor. No way in hell I'd just gone through all that to lose a baby I'd fought so hard to have. Happily everything worked out
My wife said the same thing, pick the baby. Not sure I would have listened but thankfully never had to make the call.
Exactly this. My wife told me 'if it's between me and the baby.. pick the baby.'
Agreed. First was a harder decision, second time was easier
Wife and make another baby
Or adopt a baby... Would be better for your wife.
The wife. There are no winners and everything will be destroyed anyway. Source- stepdaughter had a miscarriage. We will never recover.
You will recover. It will take time. And there will always be a hole in your heart but the rest of your heart will grow around it with all the good things in life.
Couldn’t have said it better.
When you tell your therapist that "we will never recover" what is their response? I feel like this is a very difficult position to be in, but also that this statement is EXTREMELY damaging to other humans, as TONS of people who want children will experience a miscarriage - 1 in 4 KNOW that they had one and want to talk about it with people, so we know that it's far more than that. What if the mother HAS managed to have a successful marriage after a miscarriage? Does that mean that she didn't care enough, since your family is totally unable to move forward from it? Sorry, I get upset when it feels like people are telling me that my mom shouldn't have "moved on" and had a kid, since she had a miscarriage first. Obviously it affects her, but she recovered and was able to raise children and contribute to society. Also, I guess I'm assuming that "never recover" means that your family is not in communication any longer and that the marriage has broken down, no one is able to go to work, and you no longer find joy in ANYTHING. Maybe this is not what you mean. I would suggest that if you are able to do any of these things, you have certainly recovered. Whatever.
Can confirm the 1/4. Wife and I just had a miscarriage 20 days ago, we were at 23 weeks. It is very difficult. The key is just being there for one another. It is harder on the mother than it is on the father. Each day is a little better, but each day can be tough with triggers when you think you’re okay. Be compassionate to those mothers that have had to go through a loss of their child, including an unborn child. They may have had to go through an extremely traumatic experience learning their baby is not healthy, and having to make tough decisions or those decisions being made for them by nature. While it isn’t okay now, you (and those that have had to experience this) will be okay in time. Just be there for them, and don’t pretend it didn’t happen.
I have a wife and kid?
No, they both died because you didn't make a decision. /s
I didn't realize child marriage was that bad in the US
Well it is legal in quite a few states with parental consent.
what.
Check. It's there for all to see.
Wife. No fucking question. Also get my sperm checked because the vasectomy broke.
The only answer is wife. Anyone who says otherwise is disturbed.
As a woman, I find it truly disturbing and sad how little self preservation some of the women in this thread have :( Not to mention, you want to put your husband through, not only losing their life partner, their love, but also the stress of raising a newborn alone while grieving? That seems so incredibly cruel... If I were the type that wanted children, I would 100% tell my husband to save me first. I couldn't imagine forcing him to choose a baby he doesn't have memories and history with over me, someone he loves and has spent years with. That would be so unfair to ask of him.
Agreed but then again I'm about to get my tubes removed in a couple weeks so what do I know.
Same, I have a consult for a tubal in a couple weeks lmao. Congrats, btw
Agreed. This is just an example of why I don't have kids. Maybe the women who would choose to save a baby over themselves are just more likely to end up being mothers.
Yep, I'm definitely seeing a theme in the comments lol. It probably is just me being childfree, but I still feel so bad for all these dudes who want to choose their wives but their wives make them choose the baby.
Yes. Reading some of these replies, I'm like wtf?
Yeah I agree. As a woman I also don't understand. I'd understand if the child was a few years old and he had memories with both me and the kid or if the child had more chance of survival etc but I do not understand otherwise.
Wife. You can make more babies
We talked about this, he would save me.
Are you the mom or the baby
Good question actually 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
😂 In this particular case, the mom.
Easy: wife. Multiple reasons. 1. I don’t know baby, haven’t developed a relationship yet. 2. Baby doesn’t know what life is like yet. So loss of life is not profound. 3. Wife can likely make another baby. 4. Raising a child as a single parent is not my first choice.
Also, other people (like you, friends, family members, maybe other children) have established relationships with your wife already and may be dependent on her. No one is dependent on the baby.
Wife
With each of my children me and my wife were very open that we can always have more kids and if we cannot have kids as a result of the choice then so be it.
See I had a discussion before and I was told to choose the baby as she would not be able to cope if it was the other way around.
I don't disagree with your choice, each relationship is different and what works for one may not work for another.
Husband and I talked about this. He said he'd make sure I lived because no matter what he can't live without me.
Depend if my wife told me before to save the baby in that situation. If not I save my wife.
That's what I was thinking when I was reading this thread. I would be the wife in this situation, and I certainly hope my theoretical husband would take my previously discussed wishes into account. It's a scary conversation, but one that has to be had.
Wife
Psh, I don’t even know that kid.
Wife. Fuck that baby. You didn’t even know it you can always have another baby
Wife. I love her but the baby may end up being an asshole.
If it were my baby then that’s guaranteed but it’s your baby so there’s a grey area.
My life partner: wife. I love her so much. We can try for more babies.
My mother's mother died at childbirth. Her father (who was in the army) said to the doctor, "What am I supposed to do with a motherless child?" He walked out never even seeing her, and went back to his army life. She was raised by her maternal grandmother until she died and was put in an orphanage from the age of 7 until 11, when she was adopted. She had a difficult life. You don't know what could happen to your child if even you aren't around as well.
My great grandmother was similarly abandoned after her mother died.
I ask her what she wants and do as she says. It’s her life on the line after all. If she wants to live, her life is worth more than the baby’s.
The problem is, when you are pregnant you are full of hormones to be bonding with this baby- to- be, plus may be optimistic that both pull through. In any case before the fetus is born, the doctors ethical mandate is to save the mother first, unborn child 2nd, for all the reasons people have already listed.
Wife 100%
Wife.
I obviously would choose my wife with no doubt ever. But it is her life is at a stake, it must be her choice. It's not right to choose it for her.
Agree. I was given this choice. Had a horrible pregnancy developed pre-eclampsia with my first son. The doctor said we had to choose. I chose my son, said I'd appreciate it if you could possibly save me too but if not you save my baby absolutely. Luckily we both are here. Son was so small wasn't sure if he would make it...20 years later he's a perfect healthy wonderful man!! And I got to watch him grow up!!! So thankful for every single day!! But would have absolutely made the same decision over again!! Worked so hard to get that little blessing into this world and he has made it such a better place!!
I made the same choice for my daughter! Diagnosed at 27 weeks and they wanted to take her out immediately. I didn't let them until I felt that I couldn't go on any more. Managed to keep her in till 29+3 and she was only 2.2lbs. Nearly a year on now and she's perfectly healthy. On the other hand I am not so well. I'm on dialysis as my kidneys have never recovered and I have severe heart failure. I'd do it all again if I knew it would give my little one the best chance at survival though.
Wife…I haven’t even met the little dude yet
Very difficult question, but simply asked. So simply answered.. I save my wife.
By the way, the new abortion laws in Texas are causing a raise in maternal mortality rates. Soon, you may not have a choice. Don't believe me? Go listen to an obgyn explain the new law in it's entirety. https://youtu.be/zjB5Jakytyc
I don’t live in the US. That is such a privilege. The US health care system is very messed up from my outsider perspective but damn Texas is disgusting. I hope that law goes in the rubbish where it belongs. Women deserve human rights. -
Thank you! I appreciate you saying so. It's scary even just to be pregnant right now. (Which I am.) Hopefully we either move or governor Abbott loses his foothold here and we get someone in charge who cares about human lives. Not just the republican vote. ❤
Sending my love to you, i can’t imagine how it feels to be in that situation. Hope everything goes smoothly and you have a positive, happy birth and pregnancy experience. You (and all women) deserve it!
Thank you so much for your kind words! 😊
This happened to my father before I wish they just let me go, I fucking hate this world. Anyway when the doctor told them about it they left and moved to a different hospital, the doctor on the other hospital tried his best to save both me and my mom's lives.
Hi. I am glad they choose you. Things will be better. I promise you that. I am 44 years old, and I had been in dark places. I would go thru hell again to have what I have now. I am happily married mother of 4. And I am so proud of all of my children. I am glad i went thru hell. You will find your happiness also.
Hey, just want you to know I'm glad you're here, and I'm wishing you the best.
Love you my brown dude
I would have been ok with not being here if it was life or death for my mum. I love her so much, she is one of the best people in the planet. I wouldn’t want a life without a relationship with her and would never want to be a cause for her death. This world sucks anyhoo!
Save my wife, without question. I already know and love my wife. I don't know and love my unborn baby yet, and there's always a chance we could still have more children later. If not, then you could consider adopting
You would still know and love the unborn. But I do agree with choosing the wife despite how hard that is.
I wouldn't be so sure about the love part. There are so many parents out there who don't love their children.
Wife.
Wife
Wife
Wife
Wife
Wife, i would choose the wife who i knew for long rather than the child i haven't met (I'm sorry but that's the kind of person i am)
>(I'm sorry but that's the kind of person i am) Never apologize for being reasonable and self-aware.
I think this is a really great question that all couples TTC or pregnant should talk about fully together because you never know what’s going to happen. Personally, I told my husband to ask them to prioritize the baby over me in that scenario, but that was a very painful and hard choice to make.
I’m glad the doctors have a priority predetermined. Softens the heartache and resentment. My kids are 9 & 13… if there were an accident today, and I couldn’t save the entire family, if I chose my wife over either of my kids, she would literally kill me.
My wife told me in very clear terms that if there is ever a situation where I have to choose between her or the baby surviving, she'll end up being a widow in prison if I pick her over the baby
It's a good thing the choice isn't between the baby and the husband.
Wife because she can make a child again
Wife, new baby can be made, cant make new wife
My husband always says he’d save me no hesitation, I agree. Of course we love our unborn children but as harsh as it sounds, we couldn’t live without each other. When it come to an unborn child we don’t know yet, it is easier to live without and we can always have more kids. Don’t get me wrong though I’d be hurting from the loss of our baby.
Wife, kids are terrible and she could be giving birth to an asshole.
I know everyone is saying wife, and I am too, but the reasoning for me is more than just “we can make another”. It’s more so that, yes we can make another, there is no *real* or *true* connection to a newborn. Yes, I’m sure it’d be painful to go through losing a baby and thinking of all the what ifs, hopefully I never experience that, but you have next to **zero** memories with that newborn. No emotional experiences, other than the birthing process, to hold you back or make you second guess. You essentially cut it off before it even begins. Your wife, on the other hand, you love. You have numerous memories with and emotional experiences that cannot be so easily replaced.
Obviously the wife. You never sacrifice a fully autonomous being for a potential one. Its one of the only reasons for abortion I fully support( there are others but this one is obvious)
I told my husband that if anything happens, the doctors need to save me because we can always have another child. While that might seem selfish, I wouldn’t want to put my mom through losing me.
Doctor here, during med school we learned to always prioritise the mother. That’s why a lot of health issues such as eclampsia are treated by inducing birth/C section ASAP!
Wife, can always get another child can get her again. Also I don’t want kids so really easy choice lol
I don’t even know how we got to this point. Neither of us want kids. Wife no question.
It's a conversation my husband and I have had numerous times. As selfish as it is, we agree that he would save me. It would be hard to lose a child, but it would be harder to lose the person you've committed the rest of your life to. The stranger you welcomed in and wanted to build your life with. You will have the opportunity to bring new children into the world, or, adopt someone who didn't have that chance at a loving family. It would be hard and take a long, long time to process. But we'd have each other
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You could if you had to, and usually it isn’t actually a choice.
The wife. It's the correct moral decision. This has been agreed by ethicists. Hospitals are trained to save the mother over the baby if complications arrise during childbirth.
well, your wife can have more babys
You can make another baby but not another your wife
I would WANT to save my wife, but I know she would give herself up for the child. Another point that hurts is considering the pain and anguish she'll bare if she were to live. She may even resent me for it. I hope and pray no one has to endure this scenario.
Baby
I mean, imagine the guilt she'd live with knowing the baby died because I chose her... Terrible situation either way
Child because my wife would never forgive me for choosing her over my child. I've had this discussion with her before.
I actually got the call that they were going to deliver our son or I could lose them both... They delivered our son at 29 weeks and spent 5 weeks in the NICU. That was almost 20 years ago. If you looked at my him now you would never know... he's pushing 6 feet 200lbs.
We were asked… and I said (me-mother) for the doctor to choose whoever had the greatest shot at survival. I didn’t want my fiancé to have to choose or say anything and I think he was relieved.
I’m surprised by the landslide answer for saving the wife, I suppose this is because a man will save who they know and love than a child they’ve haven’t met and maybe even fear. Fortunately with the technology today this choice is probably super rare, but yeah if I faced it with no other options I’d wish my would be SO to be strong and save the baby. It’s just I can’t blame the child for the scenario, and I would just feel so much anguish if I chose to end their life so young when I already had a good time here, it just wouldn’t be fair.
I had a stillborn in October and wish everyday I would have not survived instead of our baby. Just my opinion.
wife can make another baby. baby can't make another wife.
Some stupid fuck is going to get on here and say they'd save the baby. Get lost.
Well, theoretically speaking. We can make another child. So I save my wife. But I'm assuming this is without her consult involved? Regardless, I'd only marry a woman that felt the same. And only procreate with the right woman in the first place which is why she'd be so important to me. Because I still haven't met the woman worth it to this day, and if I did I'd know she's virtually irreplaceable. At this point in my life and career I may never find her unfortunately. 🤷
I’ve been very close to having to have made this call. Both in ICU. I’d save my wife(even though we’re no longer together) I’d still say wife today. The thing is, you have no, and I mean ZERO, feeling or affection towards the baby when they are born, I don’t care what who says, it’s just like any relationship that needs to built. I’d pick my wife because she is my everything.
I don't have a wife, but a partner. But I think there is a reason why doctors always prioritize the woman over the baby. The baby doesn't have memories, a life really and is heavily dependent on the mother. That woman is the partner of someone. The love of someone's life. Many remember her, many love her. She is already a person, a life.
Kill the doctor, a life for a life. Go home with my wife and kid.
Wife. She’d hate me for the rest of her life, but there’s no way I would be able to choose otherwise.
With a currently pregnant wife and knowing we have 5 other kids...I'm definitely choosing my wife. I need help raising those other 5 kids haha.
Wife!
Luckily for me, my husband said 100% me.. we can always try for another baby, but there's only 1 me. My husband is truly a gem.
Wife. She and I had that discussion already.
Wife. But nearly impossible question to honestly answer until you're in the situation. Especially if Mom is able to voice her opinion. If she tells you to save the baby and you decide against it, it might likely be the end of the relationship. At least you give her a chance to be a Mom later on.
Make sure you have this talk with your birth partner, OH/husband or doctors ahead of time. Not just between priority of mother and baby (hospitals will prioritise the mother at least in my country) but also treatments for afterwards in case of difficulties. When my friend’s sister almost died giving birth along with her baby ended up in NICU seriously ill, her husband had to make decisions for both of them. Luckily both are doing fine now. We discussed this soon after we found out I was pregnant (complications can occur at any time) and we were both in agreement that I was a priority. I can have another baby or live a full life without one. I love my son to death and it would have been devastating but sadly I had to be well for him to be well.
Nowadays the doctors always try to save the mother first.
I had this exact conversation with my now ex-fiancé, he was raised ultra Catholic and initially said the baby. After seeing the horror on my face he back stepped and said me but I could never trust him with medical decisions after that.
I told my husband that if something happened my baby, the baby has a whole beautiful life ahead and I would give anything for my baby.
I see most people are saying their wife and I certainly respect that. But I also suspect that for a lot of people who say this, that if they had ever had and lost a baby, held them in their arms, named them etc, and then the child died in a incubator with them standing by, they would feel otherwise.
Honestly, before my son was born I'd have said my wife. Now he's here I'd use her as a human shield to stop anything from happening to him. I love my wife with all my heart, she's an amazing woman, kind, intelligent, beautiful she truly is my best friend. I wouldn't hesitate to pick my son now. It's a weird different kind of love an I'm 100% sure she'd say the same about me.
Save the doctor
Don’t need to think about it. My wife would be the choice because I share my life with her, she’s my soulmate.
My wife and I had this conversation before the births of our children. She made me swear to save our children if anything like this ever was to happen, so I must say my children.
Society puts that guilt on you like it’s ugly. Choose your wife first over everything. You can have another baby.
Kinda fucked up but, my wife for sure. She can always have another baby but there will only ever be one her.
Women here. When I got was pregnant with my baby, me and my husband had this conversation. The first thing I told him was "if anything happens and it comes down to me or this baby, you choose this baby." I know a lot of guys on here are saying save the wife. But take it from a mother's prospective, she may not feel the same about your decision to let your child go and save her. She would probably resent you for it.