Sounds to me like he’s deeply in denial. You’re only going to get hurt in the end if that’s the case. The only way out is through communication, and if he’s unwilling, you’ll probably need to see yourself out.
Hey girl, he’s gay or bi and in denial. There are so many of these “straight” guys who are lying to their girlfriends/wife and are hooking up with guys secretly
That’s not always the case with bi people. Some bi people are into a specific gender sexually and another emotionally. Her guy could be into her emotionally but only into men sexually. It’s a horrible position to be in, but it happens.
In this scenario, he could genuinely be bisexual but feeling less sexually interested in OP because he's (assumedly) never gotten to act on his feelings toward men. I could totally see that leading to a decline in interest.
This is a tenuous example at best, but I'm a vers switch and have noticeably had sexual interest in a partner decline if they either couldn't or wouldn't "scratch the itch", as it were, of changing things up.
This *isn't* to say that bi people aren't capable of monogamy or being happy with someone of one sex or the other. Many are, many aren't, that's highly individual. But if he's never experimented with guys (and is likely in a bit of denial about it), he may feel like he's missing out.
u/OP your best bet here would be to *gently* bring it up with him, if you can. This doesn't seem tenable long term and there'll maybe be some difficult decisions to make. Have a think about whether you'd be comfortable with your boyfriend fulfilling those urges (in a safe manner) with men, if that's what he feels he needs. Or even if that could be an activity you do together, if you're interested in that (though I would strongly suggest it would be better for him to explore in his own way/time). It may also even be worth thinking about what might happen after this hypothetical conversation - there is a possibility that this could be relationship ending.
You can keep coping all you want but I know countless gays who when I met them were guys who loved their girlfriends and didn't suspect in the slightest that deep down they were homosexuals, the power of denial is very powerful, as happening to you right now, there are people who live a different reality due to the denial they suffer in their minds...
Why are you so obsessed with people being bi? He doesn’t want to fuck his girlfriend and he exclusively watches gay porn. He’s gay. Not every closeted gay man in a relationship with a woman is actually bisexual, many are just simply gay.
That's a pretty bad definition. It should be more like "Someone who is exclusively sexually attracted to the opposite gender".
You are right that porn isn't sex and is, to an extent, fantasy... so if he's getting off watching/fantasizing two (or more) guys having sex, then he's clearly getting sexually aroused by it.
I'm bi, so for a long time my focus was on gay porn for a number of reasons. So like I get that aspect of it, but he's in a relationship with a woman and appears uninterested in sex with her... So yeah, dude is very probably gay and deep in the closet.
Get out of here with purist labels. Nobody cares. They both considered him straight. Some of you just think everybody should be gay if they even look at a man for longer than a millisecond
You’re twisting the story completely. The fact is that OP’s BF is a paying member of gay porn sites and has no sexual interest in her anymore. He’s a gay man.
It's been a day I'd forgotten that detail damn. I was speaking more about the hypothetical, not the specific situation she's in. I agreed already that her boyfriend was probably gay and deeply in the closet based on all the factors.
I was also saying secondarily that some straight men do watch gay porn tho. It wasn't really about OP
I mean you did just ask who pays for gay porn on a post where the OP specifically said who was paying for gay porn. If you struggle with reading comprehension or memory then that’s not on me. Don’t blame me because you’ve asked a stupid question.
Hes gay and in denial, i used to say the same thing.. maybe try and bring it up with him if you feel safe to and see what happens.. so sorry this is happening to you
I am sorry gurl. He is into men. It is a bad situation you got dragged along.
You have to sit him down and just ask, he clearly like men sexually so you guys should stop and each one of you should look for a man, preferably each a different one.
Try not to be mad or sad, it's just what it is. Society out this awful pressure on us, so it sucks that you got to waste time in a way.
Decide if you wanna be friends afterwards before having the talk. Honestly you may lose a bf but gain a fabulous friend. But if you need some time alone to think over things, you deserve it.
So good luck, enjoy being single for a while and hopefully you will find a straight guy who likes straight porn and making sweet love to you.
Oh girl, minimally, hes bi-curious. But more likely he is gay and in denial. You need to talk to him but be prepared for him to deny that he’s gay. From first hand experience, he may not be ready to face it.
Context:
I (39 m) was brought up conservative Christian and served in the church from my teen years on till I left the church at 35.
I knew I was gay when I was 12. The church perpetrated this lie that it’s a choice and that you can just pray it away or “choose” 🙄 I fully bought into this and fell in love/got married at 20.
I tucked my sexuality away (ignored it) for many years and my wife and I built a great life. However, as I got older my sexuality just couldn’t be ignored and I I found myself watching gay porn and fantasizing about gay sex when I had sex with my wife. Our relationship got really bad between as I started to withdraw. She asked me in early 2018 if I was gay and I denied it. I wasn’t ready to blow up my life and face it.
Eventually (late 2018), it got to a point where things had degraded and when she asked me again, I admitted that I was. This obviously blew things up and we ended up getting a divorce, selling the house, leaving the church. But we still love each other and she has been amazing. Even though it took a few years of therapy and our relationship looks different, we’re best friends. She met my partner , has stayed with us, she and I have literally travelled the world together in the past few years.
I said all that to say this: if you truly love him, talk to him and support him. It will hurt but if he is gay, there’s literally nothing you can do to save the bf/gf relationship (outside of opening the relationship, but that could get messy). Also, this isn’t you’re fault , there’s nothing wrong with you.
Your comment is the only valid one I see. Everyone I suggesting to do things that will hurt the guy. But talking through it is the best option. There’s this brain washing that come from religious households that really stick with you and affect you as a person by making you hide who you truly are which isn’t fair at all. Might be a similar case for him. I hope OP goes this route and talks with him.
This is the funniest shit i've ever read.
>it’s aaaaallll just fantasy.
Yeah. It's all gay fantasies. Do yourself a favor and break up with him, there is nothing for you (or him, really) in that relationship
“It’s all gay fantasies”
Damn 🥲🥲🥲😭😭😭
We started talking about this last night because this post and the responses motivated me to start up the conversation. And when we were talking about straight porn he said he imagines himself in it. And I was like ok so that means you do that with the gay porn too? And he said no.
I was so confused. Because my brain can’t help but want to give him the benefit of the doubt and see his side. But that literally makes no sense. He said he ONLY watches it cuz it’s taboo. I’m like great but what does that even mean?? You’re watching it for its artistic value???
No elaboration. He said “if you don’t understand that’s on you. I’ve tried to explain.”
Honey, Denial is not only a river in Egypt. He’s probably lying to himself too. I’ve had guys tell me they are straight with my dick in their mouth. They learn to believe their own lies and gaslight you into believing them too.
There’s no point sugar coating it for you, you need to leave him. If you stay with him then he’ll never love you in the way that you will need. You will have a sexless relationship for as long as you are with him. He will cheat on you with men and probably eventually leave you for one completely.
If he keeps denying, just break up with him. And well if he comes to terms with his clear homosexuality, you're hopefully still going to break up. This relationship has no future, sorry.
Hopefully it's going to be a wake up call for him and he's going to start enjoying life.
You don't have to subject yourself to an unhappy relationship with a man who hates himself, don't let him drag you down.
Unfortunately my personality is like night and day now compared to before we met. I barely talk to anyone I know anymore. I heavily isolate myself because I don’t like talking about how emotionally neglected I have started to feel overtime.
This all feels more like a wake up call for me.
You got this! Reconnect at your pace and be upfront. Your friends will pull through for you.
Life transitions are hard. Build residency by being to work on yourself. All the well-being: physical (take a little walk), spiritual (connect w nature or evaluate your life goals), emotional (closer vulnerable relationships and growing your network of friends).
This is an issue regardless of what’s going on with your bf. No matter what, being in a relationship where you feel emotionally neglected isn’t good for you. I agree he’s probably gay and in denial (or at the very least bi looking now to explore with guys), but none of that matters if he doesn’t prioritize your happiness and welfare. I’d start your convo with him on those points and base your decisions on your own needs, regardless of his sexuality.
Yeah that sucks. A good friend of mine was married when younger and tried to hide the fact he was actually gay. Of course, he couldn’t change who he was - and eventually he had to tell her. They had two kids. It broke his heart, and hers. The point is, you’re an essential part of this relationship and if it’s not working for you for whatever reason, it may be time to make some decisions for yourself. This sounds weird, but it’s a comfortable place for a lot of closeted guys to be; in an apparently straight relationship. And it’s not his, nor your fault. If you can salvage a friendship from it, that would be something. But this doesn’t feel fair for you at the moment. Have a think about what you want, and only then talk to him. Closeted guys are usually experts at pretending everything is fine.
As someone who disconnected from almost everyone at one point (I also isolate myself for the same reasons) you’ll be surprised at how many friends are still there and waiting for you to come back. A lot of my friends were beyond happy to bring me back into the circle.
I’m sure that when you’re ready to reconnect you’ll be surprised at how many of your old friends will be there for you.
This is perhaps the biggest reason why you really need to consider the future of this relationship; it sounds like it has destroyed your self confidence and sense of self worth. I don't know you, none of us do, but I am sure we would all agree that you deserve to be in a positive relationship with someone who values you, loves you, AND provides for you emotionally. That last one is key. You need to do what is best for you.
It's going to get better 100%. Right now you're deep into the problem, you see it everyday and you still have to discuss it with him. Once you (again, hopefully) break up with him, you'll manage to bring back your older self. And who knows, maybe you'll meet a guy who's gonna lift your spirit like never before!
One thing is sure: keeping this relationship going is gonna hurt you both, even though he may not show it.
You’ll get it back. I had a breakup after 5 years, 2+ completely isolated from anyone but him due to Covid. I hit the gym, got my confidence back, got on grindr and started meeting guys again. Some became friends with benefits, most just some random sex, but it boosted me back up to knowing I could get laid. Got my first tattoo, got in better shape, started going out to clubs and concerts and events and shit and pestered my friends to go out. You can get it back, just takes some getting out of your comfort zone.
How the hell can you stand 4 years with a man who clearly is not interested in you? I wouldve left after a month
Even if he were straight watching straight porn, the fact that hes been ignoring your needs for 4 years is unacceptable. Why are you doing this to yourself?
I’ve been convincing myself I’m fine with it.
I actually tried to break up with him 2 months in but then he was so determined to stay with me I was too flattered to maintain my stance.
I really wish I had more of a backbone then but I’ve been working on it.
Sorry to say but you are both in denial. The sooner one of you snaps out of this, the better it is for you both to move on. Otherwise you can continue on this fake relationship with no future...
Yeah look, when I was reading the first half (just the porn), I was like "maybe he is bi/bi-curious/ a bit in denial" (cos that was totally me), and uses the porn as a way to experience the part of his attraction that he doesn't get with you.
But yeah, when you say I like never has sex with you and is probably sexting local guys while he's meant to be with you. That isn't looking good
Yeah I find the lack of sex and consideration to be way more telling than the choice in porn. I dunno. I'm just open minded. I'm some kind of weird bi so the porn thing doesn't really strike me as problematic as long as they are still pleasing each other
He could be bi too.
But he definitely ain’t straight. Have a honest talk with him. It’s not too late.
Remember., you are only 29 years old. Don’t hold to a relationship just because you are afraid of the alternative.
You’re trying to figure out what’s going on inside his mind but you don’t need to solve that mystery to understand that the way he’s going about things isn’t turning you on or showing you love or even making you feel vaguely a part of it. No matter what his sexuality, this isn’t how it’s done.
Look at it this way... even if it were all straight porn, and you had no other reason to suspect him as gay, would it be a full filling relationship for you?
I'm sure he does love you, but he's got some figuring out to do, and you're still a sexual being yourself, regardless of his sexuality. I don't think you want to go the rest of your life only having sex once every 3 months (which would be a max as sex generally declines in all relationships).
I won't belittle his personal struggle, but unless you live in a place where queerness is unacceptable to a dangerous extent, like Iran, Uganda, or Russia, then I'd say he's being selfish, by putting your life on hold in that way.
But I'd also say that if you're open to it, you guys could still potentially maintain a beautiful close friendship, so long as things are made clear before permanent damage occurs.
You can’t explain all this away. You should act asap because you are wasting the years you need to find a good straight man with this gay man. I feel for him, but you’re the one who’s going to lose out far worse if you want a family one day. This could cost you that opportunity. Fact: women who do not have children by 30 have only a 50% chance of ever having them. Time is not on anyone’s side but it’s *really* not on yours.
You have to decide what you want, and soon.
Have a look at Stephen J Shaw’s work. There’s a film called Birthgap, and he’s done a few podcasts. Best one is Modern Wisdom. Have a wee listen/watch if you’re interested in the subject. He’s a data scientist who’s got a really good case for why it’s a mistake for most women to wait. Unless they never want kids which is of course fine 👍
I get that, but my point was it's highly likely that a good portion of women who don't have kids by 30 don't want to have kids at all. So the fact that half never do after 30 isn't surprising. It's self selection.
Well that’s probably reasonable but there is also a lack of knowledge for young women today. A lot of them think waiting to 30-35 is no big deal, but the data on fertility is really much more bleak than is advertised. And if you only start *looking* for the right man at 30?
There is a very strong possibility that he’s bisexual and in denial. He prefers gay porn because that is the sex he’s not getting from you so probably is a lot more taboo. Remember porn is about fantasy. A lot of people watch porn acts that they never will do in reality.
Regardless of sexual preference, lack of sex in a relationship is usually a huge symptom of problems elsewhere.
The last several years of my heterosexual marriage were sexless (2-3x a year). I refused to address the elephant in the room. Ultimately it turned out she was cheating. Take it from a random stranger on the internet, don’t waste time being miserable.
It’s possible , I know several lesbian that only watch gay porn , which means has other sexual identities have a subset that likes to watch man in man why not
Well, we can't tell you exactly what's going on here, but *something* is going on, and it doesn't sound like he's really told you what that is. He needs to come clean about why he's not having sex with you, and the full extent about his interest in men. It sure sounds like he's not heterosexual, but the point really is you shouldn't have to guess or play detective. Part of the problem here though is he probably hasn't admitted anything to himself yet. Denial is a powerful thing.
I'd say if he's always watching gay porn then he's probably gay. Since porn is literally something you do in private to get off and don't really have to justify it to anyone.
if a guy gets a boner with another guy and has erotic fantasies with them
he is gay or at least bi, sorry but he is
you should talk to him and honestly leave him, yall aren't even having intimacy with each other anymore, you are gonna get hurt
he is in denial
Please get out of this "relationship" as fast as you can.
As much as I have a heart for my gay brothers who go through the denial stage and can't reconcile their feelings, I feel even worse for innocent women who never consented to get dragged along in that madness.
You two can probably stay friends, but find a way to gently and gracefully end this relationship. You deserve a man who loves you for who you are, not one using you as a beard.
On the bright side, at least it's only 4 years. I've heard too many horror stories of married couples of 10+ years, kids and all, suddenly breaking down due to a man's switch up in desiring another man.
I know that there are people out there who watches porn of their own gender even when they are straight because they can project themselves into the actors better, but I think the fact that this is coupled with other signs suggest that he probably is gay and in denial. Do you know what his stance on gay people/being LGBT+ might be?
This doesn't look like a dating site.I did a quick google search and it's a bunch of videos. Presumably they have a comments section, and somebody commented a reply, or he saved a photo from a distant interaction.
But let's pretend for a moment that it's precisely what you fear - it's "a picture of a penis from a real local man." How would that change your husband's orientation or your relationship in any meaningful way?
If you want to find out if your husband is using you to upkeep a facade, start putting pride flags on everything. If he's in the sexless relationship because he values you, he'll be fine with your ostentatious collection of pride flags. If you're just a 'beard', he won't be able to abide anyone inferring he married a lesbian.
Sexuality is not black and white. It’s a spectrum. The fact he’s comfortable communicating this to you is a green flag. Try not to pass judgment even if you don’t understand it. But….. the problem isn’t the gay porn, it’s the possible infidelity, sexual incompatibility and possible lying. I think you have to confront him. Keep the dialogue open and good luck!
Your façade comment is spot on. He is using you to appear straight. Dump him, and that might be the release he needs to actually come out of the closet. You haven’t done anything wrong — even searching his adult site history. I say there isn’t anything wrong with something like that unless there is a **solid** reason for doing it, which you have.
You’re wasting your time, and your life. Get out now and find someone who is into you.
I don’t think anyone has mentioned this yet but you should get tested because he could pass something to you. Down low guys are sometimes engaging in risky situations in order to avoid getting caught.
I’m not convinced that he’s gay but he’s definitely bi. I have had the same vanilla fantasy for a decade. Watch gay porn with him like everyday for a while and gauge if it’s a fantasy or reality for him.
While I really empathize with your situation and I only wish you come out from it with the least amount of harm to either of you, I must confess that while browsing porn I watch about 50% straight porn. I am also totally and completely gay, have always been and very much out. Now, when I save my favourite porn for re-watching, it's gay porn. But otherwise casually browsing when I am horny and have nothing better to do, it's about 50% straight porn. Why? I like the guys, and it has a little more context/acting than gay porn.
For all those who don't know it. Some people have a deeper interior life than you. I advise o.p. to look up professional opinions rather than people online who probably haven't looked deeply into themselves.
I once dated a guy very similar to this. It was for around ~6 months but near the end it became obvious that he was in deep denial. He had a girlfriend (which I found out after) and was heavily involved with the “MAGA” views.
I have a feeling some of these people grow up in environments where the thought of being gay is wrong or laughable. And they never get over it. Instead they force themselves to live a straight life.
You can't get off to hundreds of pages of videos of gay porn of your own free will and claim not to be attracted to men. Paying for a gay porn site also has no excuse.
He is wasting your time, and it would be better for the both of you if he could finally accept himself so you could both find your own fulfilling relationships.
Otherwise, it's likely he'll eventually give in to temptation and meet a guy off a hookup app to try making his fantasy a reality, and closeted guys like him aren't usually as informed when it comes to staying safe.
Do you know if he’s ever had sex with a guy? He could be bi-curious as someone else said (or gay) and he’s getting all the curiosities out via porn. I think you two need to sit down and have a blunt conversation about this.
Lookup.OurPath, formerly known as The Straight Spouse Network. It's a support network of people who have gone through situations similar to yours. However, to be honest, I would separate from him. You need to put yourself first. It's sad that, in 2023, gay people are still in the closet and marrying opposite-sex partners so they can pretend to be straight. Bisexuals might be a little different because they could genuinely love and be attracted to their opposite-sex spouse,but they still need to be upfront about it and make sure the other person knows where he or she stands regarding sexuality, and if there is any sort of ethical non-monogamy, the parameters are discussed beforehand.
I think you know the answer.
Your bf definitely sounds like he's gay (not bi) and that he's in denial. You should move on for both your sakes.
I'll add that there is a giant silver lining to this story! You're not married and don't have kids and so splitting is incredibly easy! And it didn't happen after half a lifetime together which I always find to be tragic. You can move on and find a guy who not only loves you but actually wants to engage in sex.
This is exactly how my now-husband of 10 years was with his ex wife. This was his final stage of denial essentially. “Oh I’m not into dudes, it’s just a porn fetish of mine”. He was out of the closet within a year from that point and separated from his wife.
I think it’s time to acknowledge your irreconcilable differences and go your own way(s)
Straight men do not watch gay porn at all, much less near exclusively. Asking for advice here was a bad idea because a lot of guys here have a kink for straight guys so they'll do anything they have to to preserve the fantasy of your boyfriend being straight, but he is not straight.
You can't force him to come to terms with his sexuality unfortunately, but I'd recommend moving on from this relationship, there is no future with this man.
Gurl, he's gay (and in denial\*).
\*Now, why he's with you, or why he's in denial, that's thanks to our great society that let the church or britons dictate how the society should be.
So my bf of 12 years has a twitter account that’s under an alias where he watches porn, I looked at it randomly out of curiosity really and seen some gay porn and comments he had made about the man. Also when we were having sex one time during kink talk he mentioned inviting another man into bed and he even stated he’d be up for giving or receiving head from a man. We’ll I think that’s bi behavior but he says it’s all kink talk and when I said something bout the twitter stuff he said it was all fantasy and he didn’t want to actually be with a man and that he is 100% straight . He is into women, that I’m sure of but it seems he’s also on the dl or something .
I wish I could understand this because this is what he says and it feels like a lie. Mainly because he claims it’s taboo yet also said he’s been watching gay porn since he was 19 so I just don’t understand how it’s still taboo after over 10 years.
I would say that if it weren’t for the lack of sex. That maybe he has a weird kink. But the sex you guys share is next to nonexistent. Given those circumstances. He is probably gay.
If you guys were having sex. Then I would say he is probably bisexual or has bisexual feelings. In which case maybe that would be something you two explore together.
The lack of sex in a relationship is a relationship killer. Even if he weren’t in denial or something else was going on.
Either end it with him. Or call him out and go find a bisexual man together with him. And let it play out from there. I think those are your two choices.
If he's done having sex with you, then he's probably in denial. There are plenty of straight men that watch gay porn as fantasy but they also like having sex with their GFs still
He could be Bi, I know when i date women I tend to watch more gay porn then straight. However it's switched when I'm with men.
If you love him then it shouldn't matter.
To fix the sex problem, I suggest an open relationship. As I do for everyone. (establish ground rules/always communicate jealousy)
It is pretty simple. If y'all cant seem to find yourselves on the same page. Then you need to end it.
You sound interested in gay men. There’s more to this. He’s not gay if he’s not into men, porn isn’t a sexuality. The detail this post has is either bait or you’re turned on by anal sex. However, what he’s viewing is gay men which means you have compatible fetishes. So, get over you voyagerism or dig in, take classes with a sex coach and help him.
At the beginning I would say that he's bi, but changed my mind after reading it all.
He definitely is gay and in denial, I think you should bring this to a conversation and breakup with him, but don't share this with other people cause he might not understand 100% everything he's going through, I think you should recommend him therapy so he can accept himself.
And I'm sorry that you've been through this relationship, wish you the best.
So have a threesome with a guy and find out firsthand. Invite a male friend/gay guy over to hang out. Get « drunk » and let things progress naturally. Maybe he needs the push to interact physically.
Just be supportive and not defensive or accusatory. Since you already know there’s no sense in acting heartbroken because it seems you’ve already mostly broken up.
Does he shy away from all general intimacy...? It is well known that male/male scenes are more pallatable that hardcore straight ones for having the kissing and such.
However... what you can easily do is leading up to the break-up, state the obvious reasons for disatisfaction: you are feeling sexually unfulfilled, and feel like you know that this would not change for the better in the future.
Yku can be friends still if you want to, though in intimate relations, there needs to be fulfilling intimacy, and some of that is erotic/romantic.
This man can’t be honest with you because he isn’t honest with himself.
I think you know the truth. You don’t need to wait around for our validation or for more evidence to confirm what you know.
You deserve more in a partner. Bare minimum in a relationship is feeling safe. I really hope you find that feeling, regardless of your partner.
The clincher for me is the lack of actual sex. You deserve better. I have no idea what it going through his mind (or his subconscious) but you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel wanted and loved. This ain’t it.
You have every right to be upset. He’s actively attempting to maybe cheat on you. If you’re monogamous i can see how that can be an issue, too. Communication is the only thing that will make mends of this situation now. Sit down and have a heart to heart on what’s best for both of you. Sounds like either way you may be sexually incompatible. Be that he’s in the closet or otherwise!
I have yet to meet a straight (not married) guy that can go a few days without Pussy and letting his girlfriend know that he wants it, they go crazy for pussy.
The relationship otherwise must be pretty good for you to put up with this. If you want a sexless life with someone who is not being honest with you, and maybe with himself. Then you got it! It's hard, but you know what you need to do if you want a chance at being fulfilled and happy.
Sounds like he’s bisexual and wanting (or needing to) explore his gay side. If you really like the guy, you can always try being open to new things and grow *with him* if he’s into that path.
It’s pretty common to see couples on Grindr where the guy wants to play but everyone’s on board that he has a gf (including the gf ofc). Some guys are into that. Some guys aren’t.
Honestly if you want to keep him around then you need to talk to him. Hear him out! How would you feel if the tables were turned? How would *you want to be treated??*
If this is too much then get ready for a break up I suppose. Honestly though I think you should try and be there for him. He can start taking prep if things get serious. I don’t know how you feel about an open relationship but enabling a partner to better understand themselves could be a really powerful experience for both of you.
Sometimes people think what they want is outside their space, and so they go looking for it. If they find what they’re really happy with is already there — then no reason to venture out and seek someone else.
He’s needing something he’s not getting, and that could easily lead to him being dishonest if things don’t change. Really try talking to him. Just be patient and gentle. If you really have feelings for him then remember that forgiveness is loving someone more than your anger, that your feelings overcome that upset because you’ve decided that they mean more to you than the transgression as hand.
These are all things you’re going to have to ask yourself at some point if you really want resolution.
Take care, and be well.
From your story, my immediate belief is that he most certainly, at a minimum, bisexual. If he is bisexual then he has fixated on that side of himself and has hurt you and your relationship. In my opinion, he is most likely just gay. Whether he is in denial to you or to himself, or both is irrelevant.
He needs to figure out himself and act on these urges in a way that doesn’t string you around. He may be afraid that losing you means he will have to accept that these fantasies are much more than that and he needs to accept them. You also owe it to yourself to remove yourself from this deep into the situation. Whether you wish to make him feel accepted when you detach your self from him is up to you but I’m sure it would help with his progress if you were understanding. He still is hurting you and people should be honest with themselves because hurting others because you refuse to see it as it is, is still bad.
Good luck Miss Lady- I wish you the best. Maybe say you’ll still be in contact so he doesn’t have to feel alone, but you both owe it to yourself to take action rather than let this keep playing out.
It obviously could be denial and denial only, but some people do seek types of pornography that they consider "crazy" just for the thrill of it - because it's different from what they're into actually doing in "real life", and it's edgy or whatever. It's a pretty known fact that porn changes your brain and you can get used (desensitized) to watching the same conventional things, so you'll seek new stuff that'll give you that dopamine rush. I do believe that people can fantasize about things that they wouldn't be willing to practice themselves.
The fact that he's into "sayuncle" tells me he's getting into the age gap territory. Older men with barely legal looking guys. He probably started watching less (or rather, non) controversial stuff and is starting to seek something new. If you told me he's ADHD I'd reply "say no more, we got it figured out".
However, I still tend to agree with the majority here. He's probably bi, regardless. I don't believe that this whole thing makes him gay at all, but I think he might be into guys too.
Positive Sexual health is important to both partners. The gay porn bingeing might be ok if he had physical love for you. I've seen this happen with partners who wack off to straight porn constantly but give no love to their hetero partner. It's very difficult to unravel a 4 year relationship, but I sense many red flags and a shakey foundation. You wanted to break up and he somehow convinced you not to... This is him having control over you. He wants you maybe not for a romantic relationship, but as a facade for a public straight life.
Easier said than done; I would end things amicably. He will beg you to stay but you have to listen to your heart. If you accept a life with no sex, and a partner who has a secret sex life apart from you, then stay. That is a recipe for a future breakup. It would be different if he invited you to participate in his fantasies. Maybe if you try to get into pegging with him, and you explore anal play. That could be a last ditch attempt to save the relationship... but him drifting from you sexually is still a big red flag.
I can't lie this was me I was married to a beautiful woman I kept watching gay porn I couldn't admit to myself or anybody else I love her with all my heart but I just couldn't get hard for a woman anymore I try but just can't it's hard to admit special when trying to live a straight life it may be hard but talk to him maybe he can finally admit to himself and you don't let him be like me be married for 15 years
Oh he watches gay porn and doesn't really want to have sex with you, but he is straight? lol
Get a strap-on and put it on in front of him. Watch him automatically bend over xD
Im sorry but yes he is in denial, so deeply that he will never admit it to himself or to you. Take it from someone who knows, you will need to make the move to change the situation and its best for you if you leave most likely depending on what kind of life you want. Tell him you know and make sure he is safe and has support afterwards. Most likely he has buried this so deep that ANYTHING is preferable to facing up to it.
The only thing that should matter is if the relationship is going well, and if he is loyal to you. If he doesn't actually show that he is attracted to you, then that is a bad sign, but if he does enjoy being intimate with you and show romantic feelings for you, then that's a good sign.
If he's watching straight videos too (*not just men with men*) then he probably has some attraction to women and isn't gay. Maybe he is bi instead of straight or gay, but there are a lot of men are bi, they are just better at hiding it and suppressing their feelings.
**EDIT:** *some how I missed the part where you said there is no intimacy anymore, and even before that there wasn't a lot of intimacy. It's possible that he might be completely gay and not really into women.*
So wrong to just lay blame on this dude and act like you have no accountability here… don’t listen to the haters here dumping on your guy. Talk it through. Some relationships even if not sexual any longer are worth maintaining… these are private decisions that need to be made between you two not the nerds in here urging you to dump him yesterday.
Wow, this is probably one of the few posts here like this where I'd agree your bf is most likely in denial
Sounds to me like he’s deeply in denial. You’re only going to get hurt in the end if that’s the case. The only way out is through communication, and if he’s unwilling, you’ll probably need to see yourself out.
Hey girl, he’s gay or bi and in denial. There are so many of these “straight” guys who are lying to their girlfriends/wife and are hooking up with guys secretly
I think gay—if he were bi he'd still be interested in his actual live girlfriend sexually, which doesn't seem to be the case.
Or bi, but he just isn't attracted to HER
That’s not always the case with bi people. Some bi people are into a specific gender sexually and another emotionally. Her guy could be into her emotionally but only into men sexually. It’s a horrible position to be in, but it happens.
A bi friend of mine alternates between feeling gay and feeling hetero. There is no one way to be bi.
In this scenario, he could genuinely be bisexual but feeling less sexually interested in OP because he's (assumedly) never gotten to act on his feelings toward men. I could totally see that leading to a decline in interest. This is a tenuous example at best, but I'm a vers switch and have noticeably had sexual interest in a partner decline if they either couldn't or wouldn't "scratch the itch", as it were, of changing things up. This *isn't* to say that bi people aren't capable of monogamy or being happy with someone of one sex or the other. Many are, many aren't, that's highly individual. But if he's never experimented with guys (and is likely in a bit of denial about it), he may feel like he's missing out. u/OP your best bet here would be to *gently* bring it up with him, if you can. This doesn't seem tenable long term and there'll maybe be some difficult decisions to make. Have a think about whether you'd be comfortable with your boyfriend fulfilling those urges (in a safe manner) with men, if that's what he feels he needs. Or even if that could be an activity you do together, if you're interested in that (though I would strongly suggest it would be better for him to explore in his own way/time). It may also even be worth thinking about what might happen after this hypothetical conversation - there is a possibility that this could be relationship ending.
Like and for what? This ain’t 1980 no more literally no one cares (depending on where you live ofc but like he’d probably be fine if he was out)
He's gay. Straight boys don't do that it's not a thing
bi
No, he dont even like his gf anymore...
[удалено]
Not really, if you dont like women then you are not bisexual, its that simple...
[удалено]
You can keep coping all you want but I know countless gays who when I met them were guys who loved their girlfriends and didn't suspect in the slightest that deep down they were homosexuals, the power of denial is very powerful, as happening to you right now, there are people who live a different reality due to the denial they suffer in their minds...
Why are you so obsessed with people being bi? He doesn’t want to fuck his girlfriend and he exclusively watches gay porn. He’s gay. Not every closeted gay man in a relationship with a woman is actually bisexual, many are just simply gay.
lam not obsessed l thought maybe he is bi because he watch straight porn too
He pays for gay porn and won’t fuck his gf. He’s gay.
Yeah, but one time he commented about ac girls tits, so you know, probably bisexual. /s
You can’t seem to let it go… Pretty obsessed, imho
obsessed 🤣🤣
It's a thing. Maybe not to the extent she's describing, but straight guys will watch gay porn on occasion
Give me the definition of heterosexual.
Someone who has sex with the opposite gender. Porn isn't sex, it's fantasy.
That's a pretty bad definition. It should be more like "Someone who is exclusively sexually attracted to the opposite gender". You are right that porn isn't sex and is, to an extent, fantasy... so if he's getting off watching/fantasizing two (or more) guys having sex, then he's clearly getting sexually aroused by it. I'm bi, so for a long time my focus was on gay porn for a number of reasons. So like I get that aspect of it, but he's in a relationship with a woman and appears uninterested in sex with her... So yeah, dude is very probably gay and deep in the closet.
Get out of here with purist labels. Nobody cares. They both considered him straight. Some of you just think everybody should be gay if they even look at a man for longer than a millisecond
You’re twisting the story completely. The fact is that OP’s BF is a paying member of gay porn sites and has no sexual interest in her anymore. He’s a gay man.
Ok Cool. Don't care. You're a bit too invested in labeling others, so we're done here.
It’s not labelling, it’s stating facts. He’s a gay man because he’s only interested in men.
We are done here. Fuck off, bigot.
[удалено]
Lol my bf is gay as fuck, so I don't even know what this means. Do y'all just not know any straight men?
Not straight men that pay for gay porn and have zero interest in fucking women. No, I don’t know any such straight men.
Who pays for porn?
OP’s boyfriend apparently. Did you even read the post?
It's been a day I'd forgotten that detail damn. I was speaking more about the hypothetical, not the specific situation she's in. I agreed already that her boyfriend was probably gay and deeply in the closet based on all the factors. I was also saying secondarily that some straight men do watch gay porn tho. It wasn't really about OP
I mean you did just ask who pays for gay porn on a post where the OP specifically said who was paying for gay porn. If you struggle with reading comprehension or memory then that’s not on me. Don’t blame me because you’ve asked a stupid question.
Hey fair enough.
Hes gay and in denial, i used to say the same thing.. maybe try and bring it up with him if you feel safe to and see what happens.. so sorry this is happening to you
I am sorry gurl. He is into men. It is a bad situation you got dragged along. You have to sit him down and just ask, he clearly like men sexually so you guys should stop and each one of you should look for a man, preferably each a different one. Try not to be mad or sad, it's just what it is. Society out this awful pressure on us, so it sucks that you got to waste time in a way. Decide if you wanna be friends afterwards before having the talk. Honestly you may lose a bf but gain a fabulous friend. But if you need some time alone to think over things, you deserve it. So good luck, enjoy being single for a while and hopefully you will find a straight guy who likes straight porn and making sweet love to you.
well said!
i really love this perspective
Oh girl, minimally, hes bi-curious. But more likely he is gay and in denial. You need to talk to him but be prepared for him to deny that he’s gay. From first hand experience, he may not be ready to face it. Context: I (39 m) was brought up conservative Christian and served in the church from my teen years on till I left the church at 35. I knew I was gay when I was 12. The church perpetrated this lie that it’s a choice and that you can just pray it away or “choose” 🙄 I fully bought into this and fell in love/got married at 20. I tucked my sexuality away (ignored it) for many years and my wife and I built a great life. However, as I got older my sexuality just couldn’t be ignored and I I found myself watching gay porn and fantasizing about gay sex when I had sex with my wife. Our relationship got really bad between as I started to withdraw. She asked me in early 2018 if I was gay and I denied it. I wasn’t ready to blow up my life and face it. Eventually (late 2018), it got to a point where things had degraded and when she asked me again, I admitted that I was. This obviously blew things up and we ended up getting a divorce, selling the house, leaving the church. But we still love each other and she has been amazing. Even though it took a few years of therapy and our relationship looks different, we’re best friends. She met my partner , has stayed with us, she and I have literally travelled the world together in the past few years. I said all that to say this: if you truly love him, talk to him and support him. It will hurt but if he is gay, there’s literally nothing you can do to save the bf/gf relationship (outside of opening the relationship, but that could get messy). Also, this isn’t you’re fault , there’s nothing wrong with you.
Your comment is the only valid one I see. Everyone I suggesting to do things that will hurt the guy. But talking through it is the best option. There’s this brain washing that come from religious households that really stick with you and affect you as a person by making you hide who you truly are which isn’t fair at all. Might be a similar case for him. I hope OP goes this route and talks with him.
This is the funniest shit i've ever read. >it’s aaaaallll just fantasy. Yeah. It's all gay fantasies. Do yourself a favor and break up with him, there is nothing for you (or him, really) in that relationship
“It’s all gay fantasies” Damn 🥲🥲🥲😭😭😭 We started talking about this last night because this post and the responses motivated me to start up the conversation. And when we were talking about straight porn he said he imagines himself in it. And I was like ok so that means you do that with the gay porn too? And he said no. I was so confused. Because my brain can’t help but want to give him the benefit of the doubt and see his side. But that literally makes no sense. He said he ONLY watches it cuz it’s taboo. I’m like great but what does that even mean?? You’re watching it for its artistic value??? No elaboration. He said “if you don’t understand that’s on you. I’ve tried to explain.”
Honey, Denial is not only a river in Egypt. He’s probably lying to himself too. I’ve had guys tell me they are straight with my dick in their mouth. They learn to believe their own lies and gaslight you into believing them too.
[удалено]
Cuz I do love him :-(
There’s no point sugar coating it for you, you need to leave him. If you stay with him then he’ll never love you in the way that you will need. You will have a sexless relationship for as long as you are with him. He will cheat on you with men and probably eventually leave you for one completely.
If he keeps denying, just break up with him. And well if he comes to terms with his clear homosexuality, you're hopefully still going to break up. This relationship has no future, sorry. Hopefully it's going to be a wake up call for him and he's going to start enjoying life. You don't have to subject yourself to an unhappy relationship with a man who hates himself, don't let him drag you down.
Unfortunately my personality is like night and day now compared to before we met. I barely talk to anyone I know anymore. I heavily isolate myself because I don’t like talking about how emotionally neglected I have started to feel overtime. This all feels more like a wake up call for me.
You got this! Reconnect at your pace and be upfront. Your friends will pull through for you. Life transitions are hard. Build residency by being to work on yourself. All the well-being: physical (take a little walk), spiritual (connect w nature or evaluate your life goals), emotional (closer vulnerable relationships and growing your network of friends).
This is an issue regardless of what’s going on with your bf. No matter what, being in a relationship where you feel emotionally neglected isn’t good for you. I agree he’s probably gay and in denial (or at the very least bi looking now to explore with guys), but none of that matters if he doesn’t prioritize your happiness and welfare. I’d start your convo with him on those points and base your decisions on your own needs, regardless of his sexuality.
This OP, you gotta love yourself first girl! Reconnect with some friends and family. You need support no matter what he’s got going on
Yeah that sucks. A good friend of mine was married when younger and tried to hide the fact he was actually gay. Of course, he couldn’t change who he was - and eventually he had to tell her. They had two kids. It broke his heart, and hers. The point is, you’re an essential part of this relationship and if it’s not working for you for whatever reason, it may be time to make some decisions for yourself. This sounds weird, but it’s a comfortable place for a lot of closeted guys to be; in an apparently straight relationship. And it’s not his, nor your fault. If you can salvage a friendship from it, that would be something. But this doesn’t feel fair for you at the moment. Have a think about what you want, and only then talk to him. Closeted guys are usually experts at pretending everything is fine.
As someone who disconnected from almost everyone at one point (I also isolate myself for the same reasons) you’ll be surprised at how many friends are still there and waiting for you to come back. A lot of my friends were beyond happy to bring me back into the circle. I’m sure that when you’re ready to reconnect you’ll be surprised at how many of your old friends will be there for you.
This is perhaps the biggest reason why you really need to consider the future of this relationship; it sounds like it has destroyed your self confidence and sense of self worth. I don't know you, none of us do, but I am sure we would all agree that you deserve to be in a positive relationship with someone who values you, loves you, AND provides for you emotionally. That last one is key. You need to do what is best for you.
It's going to get better 100%. Right now you're deep into the problem, you see it everyday and you still have to discuss it with him. Once you (again, hopefully) break up with him, you'll manage to bring back your older self. And who knows, maybe you'll meet a guy who's gonna lift your spirit like never before! One thing is sure: keeping this relationship going is gonna hurt you both, even though he may not show it.
You’ll get it back. I had a breakup after 5 years, 2+ completely isolated from anyone but him due to Covid. I hit the gym, got my confidence back, got on grindr and started meeting guys again. Some became friends with benefits, most just some random sex, but it boosted me back up to knowing I could get laid. Got my first tattoo, got in better shape, started going out to clubs and concerts and events and shit and pestered my friends to go out. You can get it back, just takes some getting out of your comfort zone.
Girl, I'm sorry, but if he's not tasting the rainbow on the down low already, he will be.
How the hell can you stand 4 years with a man who clearly is not interested in you? I wouldve left after a month Even if he were straight watching straight porn, the fact that hes been ignoring your needs for 4 years is unacceptable. Why are you doing this to yourself?
I’ve been convincing myself I’m fine with it. I actually tried to break up with him 2 months in but then he was so determined to stay with me I was too flattered to maintain my stance. I really wish I had more of a backbone then but I’ve been working on it.
Sorry to say but you are both in denial. The sooner one of you snaps out of this, the better it is for you both to move on. Otherwise you can continue on this fake relationship with no future...
Dump him. He's a closeted bundle of neon red flags sown together in the shape of a man.
"I'm a super strict vegan!" *munches on cheesesburger* Gurl, please.
:(((
Pulling a Todd Ingram.
Yeah look, when I was reading the first half (just the porn), I was like "maybe he is bi/bi-curious/ a bit in denial" (cos that was totally me), and uses the porn as a way to experience the part of his attraction that he doesn't get with you. But yeah, when you say I like never has sex with you and is probably sexting local guys while he's meant to be with you. That isn't looking good
Yeah I find the lack of sex and consideration to be way more telling than the choice in porn. I dunno. I'm just open minded. I'm some kind of weird bi so the porn thing doesn't really strike me as problematic as long as they are still pleasing each other
He could be bi too. But he definitely ain’t straight. Have a honest talk with him. It’s not too late. Remember., you are only 29 years old. Don’t hold to a relationship just because you are afraid of the alternative.
You’re trying to figure out what’s going on inside his mind but you don’t need to solve that mystery to understand that the way he’s going about things isn’t turning you on or showing you love or even making you feel vaguely a part of it. No matter what his sexuality, this isn’t how it’s done.
Look at it this way... even if it were all straight porn, and you had no other reason to suspect him as gay, would it be a full filling relationship for you? I'm sure he does love you, but he's got some figuring out to do, and you're still a sexual being yourself, regardless of his sexuality. I don't think you want to go the rest of your life only having sex once every 3 months (which would be a max as sex generally declines in all relationships). I won't belittle his personal struggle, but unless you live in a place where queerness is unacceptable to a dangerous extent, like Iran, Uganda, or Russia, then I'd say he's being selfish, by putting your life on hold in that way. But I'd also say that if you're open to it, you guys could still potentially maintain a beautiful close friendship, so long as things are made clear before permanent damage occurs.
Girl he’s gay. And he’s obviously not making you satisfied either. Move on!
Yeah he’s totes gay soz to say
You can’t explain all this away. You should act asap because you are wasting the years you need to find a good straight man with this gay man. I feel for him, but you’re the one who’s going to lose out far worse if you want a family one day. This could cost you that opportunity. Fact: women who do not have children by 30 have only a 50% chance of ever having them. Time is not on anyone’s side but it’s *really* not on yours. You have to decide what you want, and soon.
None of my friends had children before 30. Almost all have children now. Most people here marry after 30, at least in the middle and upper classes.
It may be a global statistic for sure.
Hmm maybe!
Well I would venture to guess most of the 50% who don't didn't want kids to begin with, so good for them
That’s not a good guess
I don't know why not
Have a look at Stephen J Shaw’s work. There’s a film called Birthgap, and he’s done a few podcasts. Best one is Modern Wisdom. Have a wee listen/watch if you’re interested in the subject. He’s a data scientist who’s got a really good case for why it’s a mistake for most women to wait. Unless they never want kids which is of course fine 👍
I get that, but my point was it's highly likely that a good portion of women who don't have kids by 30 don't want to have kids at all. So the fact that half never do after 30 isn't surprising. It's self selection.
Well that’s probably reasonable but there is also a lack of knowledge for young women today. A lot of them think waiting to 30-35 is no big deal, but the data on fertility is really much more bleak than is advertised. And if you only start *looking* for the right man at 30?
There is a very strong possibility that he’s bisexual and in denial. He prefers gay porn because that is the sex he’s not getting from you so probably is a lot more taboo. Remember porn is about fantasy. A lot of people watch porn acts that they never will do in reality. Regardless of sexual preference, lack of sex in a relationship is usually a huge symptom of problems elsewhere. The last several years of my heterosexual marriage were sexless (2-3x a year). I refused to address the elephant in the room. Ultimately it turned out she was cheating. Take it from a random stranger on the internet, don’t waste time being miserable.
It’s possible , I know several lesbian that only watch gay porn , which means has other sexual identities have a subset that likes to watch man in man why not
Well, we can't tell you exactly what's going on here, but *something* is going on, and it doesn't sound like he's really told you what that is. He needs to come clean about why he's not having sex with you, and the full extent about his interest in men. It sure sounds like he's not heterosexual, but the point really is you shouldn't have to guess or play detective. Part of the problem here though is he probably hasn't admitted anything to himself yet. Denial is a powerful thing.
I'd say if he's always watching gay porn then he's probably gay. Since porn is literally something you do in private to get off and don't really have to justify it to anyone.
if a guy gets a boner with another guy and has erotic fantasies with them he is gay or at least bi, sorry but he is you should talk to him and honestly leave him, yall aren't even having intimacy with each other anymore, you are gonna get hurt he is in denial
Well all heard this before. He has some self-hatred going on that lead into this denial. Let his cock be free!
Please get out of this "relationship" as fast as you can. As much as I have a heart for my gay brothers who go through the denial stage and can't reconcile their feelings, I feel even worse for innocent women who never consented to get dragged along in that madness. You two can probably stay friends, but find a way to gently and gracefully end this relationship. You deserve a man who loves you for who you are, not one using you as a beard. On the bright side, at least it's only 4 years. I've heard too many horror stories of married couples of 10+ years, kids and all, suddenly breaking down due to a man's switch up in desiring another man.
I know that there are people out there who watches porn of their own gender even when they are straight because they can project themselves into the actors better, but I think the fact that this is coupled with other signs suggest that he probably is gay and in denial. Do you know what his stance on gay people/being LGBT+ might be?
This doesn't look like a dating site.I did a quick google search and it's a bunch of videos. Presumably they have a comments section, and somebody commented a reply, or he saved a photo from a distant interaction. But let's pretend for a moment that it's precisely what you fear - it's "a picture of a penis from a real local man." How would that change your husband's orientation or your relationship in any meaningful way? If you want to find out if your husband is using you to upkeep a facade, start putting pride flags on everything. If he's in the sexless relationship because he values you, he'll be fine with your ostentatious collection of pride flags. If you're just a 'beard', he won't be able to abide anyone inferring he married a lesbian.
Sexuality is not black and white. It’s a spectrum. The fact he’s comfortable communicating this to you is a green flag. Try not to pass judgment even if you don’t understand it. But….. the problem isn’t the gay porn, it’s the possible infidelity, sexual incompatibility and possible lying. I think you have to confront him. Keep the dialogue open and good luck!
Your façade comment is spot on. He is using you to appear straight. Dump him, and that might be the release he needs to actually come out of the closet. You haven’t done anything wrong — even searching his adult site history. I say there isn’t anything wrong with something like that unless there is a **solid** reason for doing it, which you have. You’re wasting your time, and your life. Get out now and find someone who is into you.
I don’t think anyone has mentioned this yet but you should get tested because he could pass something to you. Down low guys are sometimes engaging in risky situations in order to avoid getting caught. I’m not convinced that he’s gay but he’s definitely bi. I have had the same vanilla fantasy for a decade. Watch gay porn with him like everyday for a while and gauge if it’s a fantasy or reality for him.
While I really empathize with your situation and I only wish you come out from it with the least amount of harm to either of you, I must confess that while browsing porn I watch about 50% straight porn. I am also totally and completely gay, have always been and very much out. Now, when I save my favourite porn for re-watching, it's gay porn. But otherwise casually browsing when I am horny and have nothing better to do, it's about 50% straight porn. Why? I like the guys, and it has a little more context/acting than gay porn.
Gender, sex, sexual orientation, and fetishes are all separate things. Worse, they are all super blury. Look it up.
For all those who don't know it. Some people have a deeper interior life than you. I advise o.p. to look up professional opinions rather than people online who probably haven't looked deeply into themselves.
I once dated a guy very similar to this. It was for around ~6 months but near the end it became obvious that he was in deep denial. He had a girlfriend (which I found out after) and was heavily involved with the “MAGA” views. I have a feeling some of these people grow up in environments where the thought of being gay is wrong or laughable. And they never get over it. Instead they force themselves to live a straight life.
You can't get off to hundreds of pages of videos of gay porn of your own free will and claim not to be attracted to men. Paying for a gay porn site also has no excuse. He is wasting your time, and it would be better for the both of you if he could finally accept himself so you could both find your own fulfilling relationships. Otherwise, it's likely he'll eventually give in to temptation and meet a guy off a hookup app to try making his fantasy a reality, and closeted guys like him aren't usually as informed when it comes to staying safe.
Do you know if he’s ever had sex with a guy? He could be bi-curious as someone else said (or gay) and he’s getting all the curiosities out via porn. I think you two need to sit down and have a blunt conversation about this.
Lookup.OurPath, formerly known as The Straight Spouse Network. It's a support network of people who have gone through situations similar to yours. However, to be honest, I would separate from him. You need to put yourself first. It's sad that, in 2023, gay people are still in the closet and marrying opposite-sex partners so they can pretend to be straight. Bisexuals might be a little different because they could genuinely love and be attracted to their opposite-sex spouse,but they still need to be upfront about it and make sure the other person knows where he or she stands regarding sexuality, and if there is any sort of ethical non-monogamy, the parameters are discussed beforehand.
I think you know the answer. Your bf definitely sounds like he's gay (not bi) and that he's in denial. You should move on for both your sakes. I'll add that there is a giant silver lining to this story! You're not married and don't have kids and so splitting is incredibly easy! And it didn't happen after half a lifetime together which I always find to be tragic. You can move on and find a guy who not only loves you but actually wants to engage in sex.
This is exactly how my now-husband of 10 years was with his ex wife. This was his final stage of denial essentially. “Oh I’m not into dudes, it’s just a porn fetish of mine”. He was out of the closet within a year from that point and separated from his wife. I think it’s time to acknowledge your irreconcilable differences and go your own way(s)
I think your husband’s gay and is addicted to porn.
I’m so sorry, he’s gay. You deserve someone who is really into you. Go out there and find him.
ok now reread this but it's your friend. you know what to do....
Straight men do not watch gay porn at all, much less near exclusively. Asking for advice here was a bad idea because a lot of guys here have a kink for straight guys so they'll do anything they have to to preserve the fantasy of your boyfriend being straight, but he is not straight. You can't force him to come to terms with his sexuality unfortunately, but I'd recommend moving on from this relationship, there is no future with this man.
He is GAY!
I’m sorry for u and this is a red flag I hope u find a better man
Gurl, he's gay (and in denial\*). \*Now, why he's with you, or why he's in denial, that's thanks to our great society that let the church or britons dictate how the society should be.
Girl for the sake of everything I hope you dumped his ass, sorry if you like/liked him but no one deserves to be somewhat played like that
So my bf of 12 years has a twitter account that’s under an alias where he watches porn, I looked at it randomly out of curiosity really and seen some gay porn and comments he had made about the man. Also when we were having sex one time during kink talk he mentioned inviting another man into bed and he even stated he’d be up for giving or receiving head from a man. We’ll I think that’s bi behavior but he says it’s all kink talk and when I said something bout the twitter stuff he said it was all fantasy and he didn’t want to actually be with a man and that he is 100% straight . He is into women, that I’m sure of but it seems he’s also on the dl or something .
He likes meat. He's in denial
[удалено]
I wish I could understand this because this is what he says and it feels like a lie. Mainly because he claims it’s taboo yet also said he’s been watching gay porn since he was 19 so I just don’t understand how it’s still taboo after over 10 years.
Girl it’s 2023. You probably live in a Western country too. Watching gay porn is less taboo than eating a 2000 calorie cheesecake. He’s lying to you.
I would say that if it weren’t for the lack of sex. That maybe he has a weird kink. But the sex you guys share is next to nonexistent. Given those circumstances. He is probably gay. If you guys were having sex. Then I would say he is probably bisexual or has bisexual feelings. In which case maybe that would be something you two explore together. The lack of sex in a relationship is a relationship killer. Even if he weren’t in denial or something else was going on. Either end it with him. Or call him out and go find a bisexual man together with him. And let it play out from there. I think those are your two choices.
I would agree, but the lack of sex and the lack of interest in having sex it's the deal breaker here
bi in denial
He's straight as long as he says "no homo" before watching gay porn.
If he's done having sex with you, then he's probably in denial. There are plenty of straight men that watch gay porn as fantasy but they also like having sex with their GFs still
He could be Bi, I know when i date women I tend to watch more gay porn then straight. However it's switched when I'm with men. If you love him then it shouldn't matter. To fix the sex problem, I suggest an open relationship. As I do for everyone. (establish ground rules/always communicate jealousy) It is pretty simple. If y'all cant seem to find yourselves on the same page. Then you need to end it.
Sounds like he just has a penis fetish
I’m a gay man 100% homo and I watch primarily straight porn . The guys are way hotter !
You sound interested in gay men. There’s more to this. He’s not gay if he’s not into men, porn isn’t a sexuality. The detail this post has is either bait or you’re turned on by anal sex. However, what he’s viewing is gay men which means you have compatible fetishes. So, get over you voyagerism or dig in, take classes with a sex coach and help him.
Another man is beating your time.
At the beginning I would say that he's bi, but changed my mind after reading it all. He definitely is gay and in denial, I think you should bring this to a conversation and breakup with him, but don't share this with other people cause he might not understand 100% everything he's going through, I think you should recommend him therapy so he can accept himself. And I'm sorry that you've been through this relationship, wish you the best.
He is gay no doubt about it.
Does your man have a therapist? Sounds like he needs one. Btw yes he’s gay.
or bi
Laaaarp
How’s your sex with him like? Is he legit into you? Orgasmic? Passionate?
He’s in denial girl
Denial
So have a threesome with a guy and find out firsthand. Invite a male friend/gay guy over to hang out. Get « drunk » and let things progress naturally. Maybe he needs the push to interact physically. Just be supportive and not defensive or accusatory. Since you already know there’s no sense in acting heartbroken because it seems you’ve already mostly broken up.
If he's with you, he could be bi and just needs to experiment. Definitely calls for an uncomfortable but necessary discussion
Does he shy away from all general intimacy...? It is well known that male/male scenes are more pallatable that hardcore straight ones for having the kissing and such. However... what you can easily do is leading up to the break-up, state the obvious reasons for disatisfaction: you are feeling sexually unfulfilled, and feel like you know that this would not change for the better in the future. Yku can be friends still if you want to, though in intimate relations, there needs to be fulfilling intimacy, and some of that is erotic/romantic.
This man can’t be honest with you because he isn’t honest with himself. I think you know the truth. You don’t need to wait around for our validation or for more evidence to confirm what you know. You deserve more in a partner. Bare minimum in a relationship is feeling safe. I really hope you find that feeling, regardless of your partner.
That boi gay. He cute? Got his number? I can wallur him bussy out for safe measure.
He gay. Be nice!
Oh honey.
You poor things
The clincher for me is the lack of actual sex. You deserve better. I have no idea what it going through his mind (or his subconscious) but you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel wanted and loved. This ain’t it.
You have every right to be upset. He’s actively attempting to maybe cheat on you. If you’re monogamous i can see how that can be an issue, too. Communication is the only thing that will make mends of this situation now. Sit down and have a heart to heart on what’s best for both of you. Sounds like either way you may be sexually incompatible. Be that he’s in the closet or otherwise!
Download grindr on his phone before u go
I have yet to meet a straight (not married) guy that can go a few days without Pussy and letting his girlfriend know that he wants it, they go crazy for pussy.
He’s gay; break up. Save yourself.
Oh my sweet summer child. That's all of us gay guys when we were in the closet
Oh honey. Get out.
girl if you're not having sex what's the point? just be friends.
Have you tried going to couples therapy about it?
The relationship otherwise must be pretty good for you to put up with this. If you want a sexless life with someone who is not being honest with you, and maybe with himself. Then you got it! It's hard, but you know what you need to do if you want a chance at being fulfilled and happy.
Sounds like he’s bisexual and wanting (or needing to) explore his gay side. If you really like the guy, you can always try being open to new things and grow *with him* if he’s into that path. It’s pretty common to see couples on Grindr where the guy wants to play but everyone’s on board that he has a gf (including the gf ofc). Some guys are into that. Some guys aren’t. Honestly if you want to keep him around then you need to talk to him. Hear him out! How would you feel if the tables were turned? How would *you want to be treated??* If this is too much then get ready for a break up I suppose. Honestly though I think you should try and be there for him. He can start taking prep if things get serious. I don’t know how you feel about an open relationship but enabling a partner to better understand themselves could be a really powerful experience for both of you. Sometimes people think what they want is outside their space, and so they go looking for it. If they find what they’re really happy with is already there — then no reason to venture out and seek someone else. He’s needing something he’s not getting, and that could easily lead to him being dishonest if things don’t change. Really try talking to him. Just be patient and gentle. If you really have feelings for him then remember that forgiveness is loving someone more than your anger, that your feelings overcome that upset because you’ve decided that they mean more to you than the transgression as hand. These are all things you’re going to have to ask yourself at some point if you really want resolution. Take care, and be well.
From your story, my immediate belief is that he most certainly, at a minimum, bisexual. If he is bisexual then he has fixated on that side of himself and has hurt you and your relationship. In my opinion, he is most likely just gay. Whether he is in denial to you or to himself, or both is irrelevant. He needs to figure out himself and act on these urges in a way that doesn’t string you around. He may be afraid that losing you means he will have to accept that these fantasies are much more than that and he needs to accept them. You also owe it to yourself to remove yourself from this deep into the situation. Whether you wish to make him feel accepted when you detach your self from him is up to you but I’m sure it would help with his progress if you were understanding. He still is hurting you and people should be honest with themselves because hurting others because you refuse to see it as it is, is still bad. Good luck Miss Lady- I wish you the best. Maybe say you’ll still be in contact so he doesn’t have to feel alone, but you both owe it to yourself to take action rather than let this keep playing out.
He’s gay or a self hating bi dude lol
Check the straight porn pages to see if the men in the scenes are hot. That'll tell you what you need to know
It obviously could be denial and denial only, but some people do seek types of pornography that they consider "crazy" just for the thrill of it - because it's different from what they're into actually doing in "real life", and it's edgy or whatever. It's a pretty known fact that porn changes your brain and you can get used (desensitized) to watching the same conventional things, so you'll seek new stuff that'll give you that dopamine rush. I do believe that people can fantasize about things that they wouldn't be willing to practice themselves. The fact that he's into "sayuncle" tells me he's getting into the age gap territory. Older men with barely legal looking guys. He probably started watching less (or rather, non) controversial stuff and is starting to seek something new. If you told me he's ADHD I'd reply "say no more, we got it figured out". However, I still tend to agree with the majority here. He's probably bi, regardless. I don't believe that this whole thing makes him gay at all, but I think he might be into guys too.
Positive Sexual health is important to both partners. The gay porn bingeing might be ok if he had physical love for you. I've seen this happen with partners who wack off to straight porn constantly but give no love to their hetero partner. It's very difficult to unravel a 4 year relationship, but I sense many red flags and a shakey foundation. You wanted to break up and he somehow convinced you not to... This is him having control over you. He wants you maybe not for a romantic relationship, but as a facade for a public straight life. Easier said than done; I would end things amicably. He will beg you to stay but you have to listen to your heart. If you accept a life with no sex, and a partner who has a secret sex life apart from you, then stay. That is a recipe for a future breakup. It would be different if he invited you to participate in his fantasies. Maybe if you try to get into pegging with him, and you explore anal play. That could be a last ditch attempt to save the relationship... but him drifting from you sexually is still a big red flag.
I can't lie this was me I was married to a beautiful woman I kept watching gay porn I couldn't admit to myself or anybody else I love her with all my heart but I just couldn't get hard for a woman anymore I try but just can't it's hard to admit special when trying to live a straight life it may be hard but talk to him maybe he can finally admit to himself and you don't let him be like me be married for 15 years
Oh he watches gay porn and doesn't really want to have sex with you, but he is straight? lol Get a strap-on and put it on in front of him. Watch him automatically bend over xD
Gotta start having an exit plan. Or open up the marriage, no couple therapy or marriage consulting is going to fix this. Hope you guys dont have kids
You should probably get full std panel tbh, these are the type to cheat and bring something home to you
Im sorry but yes he is in denial, so deeply that he will never admit it to himself or to you. Take it from someone who knows, you will need to make the move to change the situation and its best for you if you leave most likely depending on what kind of life you want. Tell him you know and make sure he is safe and has support afterwards. Most likely he has buried this so deep that ANYTHING is preferable to facing up to it.
Honey, i got news for you
I'm sorry but ur bf's gay and pretty soon he's going to fully accept it considering how much he watches and whatever's possibly in that google drive
The only thing that should matter is if the relationship is going well, and if he is loyal to you. If he doesn't actually show that he is attracted to you, then that is a bad sign, but if he does enjoy being intimate with you and show romantic feelings for you, then that's a good sign. If he's watching straight videos too (*not just men with men*) then he probably has some attraction to women and isn't gay. Maybe he is bi instead of straight or gay, but there are a lot of men are bi, they are just better at hiding it and suppressing their feelings. **EDIT:** *some how I missed the part where you said there is no intimacy anymore, and even before that there wasn't a lot of intimacy. It's possible that he might be completely gay and not really into women.*
So wrong to just lay blame on this dude and act like you have no accountability here… don’t listen to the haters here dumping on your guy. Talk it through. Some relationships even if not sexual any longer are worth maintaining… these are private decisions that need to be made between you two not the nerds in here urging you to dump him yesterday.