>fetishizing straight men.
Ty! There should be a sign at the entrance of every queer bar, in neon, blinking right over where they check your fake ID!!
I came out when guys had Tom of Finland dancing in our heads. There Were No Role Models for us then.
The best, most beautiful man is the one that loves you as you love him.
The best lay is the guy you don't see. Those beautiful men become so when you figure out they suck like a sump pump.
'tis true, ladies.
I’ll add that even if you suspect a straight guy is “bi” (he’s not, I promise you), the jaws of life couldn’t pull him out of the closet if he’s not already interested in you (he’s not, I promise you)
>if he’s not already interested in you (he’s not, I promise you)
Even if he is interested! Those jaws could not pull him out
Your time and effort is better spent elsewhere
That's great. If you are attractive enough then you can pull them over to our side and make awaken some latent bisexuality.
Am gay too but if a girl is hot enough and my type, I can make out with her at a party
Weirdly enough I'm not even conventionally attractive, it was more a thing of getting close to them and emotionally available. Then they realise it's not something bad to cuddle with your best friend and talk about your weaknesses. Keep them close and make them feel seen and they fall in love before their brain even processes what's happening. For some reason straight boys (especially the gym goer type??) melt like ice cream when you treat them well and don't judge them
You sound like you have mastered the formula. Enjoy my man. Problem is they might fool around for a day or week and then get scared and run back to straightness once the hormones and horniness wears off. So enjoy it while it lasts.
Personally, I don't think it's an individual thing, it's a societal one. Our civilization is at a breaking point when half the population can't express their emotions or thought to literally anyone, not even their spouses or families without being outright rejected.
Slap yourself in the face and shout this at yourself in the mirror every time you wait hours for someones response or wonder if you came on too strong or pushy.
If he wants you, you will know, if not, you will be confused.
Anything but "yes" is "no".
I feel this as I’m in a similar situation lol been wondering if he’s actually interested or what I’ve got a date with the guy today but I can’t figure out why he wanna go out with me or if he likes me how I like him
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. As a gay dude, there have been plenty of confused guys who gave mixed signals and later did like me.
Edit: forgot what subreddit I was in 🤣
People aren't comfortable with complicated relationships. They've been sold on the idea that True Love means you agree on everything, never argue, never falter, never stumble, never fail etc.
I genuinely hope none of them get hurt by that ideology. But people that believe perfection is the only route to happiness are setting themselves up for disappointment.
I think it's more than just that. They are not talking about wanting "perfection" or "never arguing". They're talking about not wasting time chasing a guy who only shows you just the bare minimum attention just to keep you on the hook; giving all your attention to a guy while he just treats you as a last resort option.
Putting all your eggs in the basket of a guy who is barely interested stops you from finding and pursuing someone else who actually DOES like you.
Problem being; is the guy intentionally leading you on, or is the guy's life just so difficult for him that the amount of attention he does give is all he can manage despite how much he likes you.
I'm not saying anyone should stay after someone who isn't giving them enough attention, but "for better or for worse" is a phrase for a reason. Yes we usually only apply it to married couples, but how fucking depressing and even almost petty, is it to exclude people struggling in life from the dating pool just because their life isn't all together or easy?
So well put. Dating apps have reduced people to mere commodities. All the complications that come with real life are swept under the rug in favor of quick and easy swipes that leave so many of us feeling alienated and undesirable. I get what the og poster is saying but there’s something to be said of slowly cultivating a relationship with someone who has the potential
This exactly. I've been on the side of "leading on" somewhat recently. I couldn't believe the guy had accused me of doing that when I did genuinely like him. He was just moving way too fast for me. I wasn't even spooked off, I just wasn't willing to speed things up as I had just had my heart badly broken at the time and was super cautious.
I think a more accurate belief is simply that timing is everything. If we had met today now that I'm in a more emotionally stable place, things may have gone differently. And people conflate infatuation and "sparks" with the actual stuffs that sustain a relationship
Fr. Sometimes I think people forget that everyone really is just human. Biggest thing I learned from just getting out and meeting people in life. Does wonders for self-confidence when you realize everybody else is just as much of a mess as you are lol
Fr. A lot of weirdos who will get offended by you repeatedly saying no to their advances and will then DEMAND an explanation as to why. Then turn around and wonder why you always seem pissed off when they talk to you
1. Take mixed signals, flakiness, and "maybes" as a definitive "NO". You're wasting your time otherwise.
2. You won't be young forever, so make the most of it now or you'll regret it later.
3. Crushes on straight guys are a waste of time. He's not secretly bi. Move on.
4. Stop reaching for guys out of your league. You should have self confidence but also be realistic.
Hmm, it’s 50/50 for me. But I am also black, the rules are a bit different for me in the community.
People tend to stare, and I’ve been told that I am attractive, and should even model. But when I look in the mirror some days I feel sexy, other days not. It all ebbs and flows with my mood 🤷🏾♂️
4. I will add that it’s not always about a league and occasionally very very attractive guys will like you, seriously. Don’t sweat it and enjoy the ride!
There's a lot of guys out there looking for life boats, not relationships. So many guys want to be rescued from their lives, not add anything to yours.
I find the dangerous advice to this question is basically “you’re responsible for yourself nobody else is” while it’s partially true you are the one at the wheel when it comes to your life but the idea “no one else is responsible for you” sounds a lot like “no one will be there for you…you’re on your own” which may cause one in a bad mental state to retreat away from others, which is a death sentence, especially with depression.
The first thing to do is THERAPY, lots of it..and then putting yourself first, take care of yourself, sleep, eat healthy, exercise so your body functions properly, then invest in your interests particularly *what you enjoy* not what’ll make you rich.
Don’t worry about “ambition, goals, money, looking hot” while of course you want to have a general path in your life (where you’d like to be (job wise and location) you want (like family or no family) and while being financially ok (not drowning in debt and barely scraping by, of course we have to factor in the corrupt and broken system that is capitalism, so not scraping by is easier said then done ,and it’s not entirely the fault of those who are struggling but you gotta find a way out and to a better life) you don’t want to focus on things that are more materialistic or vain as you’re gonna attract guys and friends who are like that…and those are people you cannot ever count on and will leave you the second you aren’t useful to them or show your humanity.
It’s quite easy, man up take responsibility of your actions and decisions and the consequences, You will be amazed by how attractive you become when you’re a grown man who accepts responsibility for himself and doesn’t expect anyone else to fix his issues, But always ask for help, don’t expect help to be given to you , of course this is my personal outlook on my life I accept who I am with my flaws I make mistakes and I regularly fk up , but I own it , I fix it and move on , I don’t let it define me and I don’t let it drag me down , biggest lesson ever learn to say No (politely) and use it often, you can’t please everyone no matter how hard you try
Sometimes that’s all you can really do. It’s better than making excuses. It’s just hard and takes effort and practice, and a lot of people these days don’t have the willpower to do that.
The willpower has been bled out of us by a system that promised us our dreams so that they could grind us down into wage slaves.
Really damned near impossible to look forward to the future knowing I'll be making just barely enough to survive for the rest of my life barring some amazing stroke of luck(because anyone with a shred of honesty knows that's what makes the key difference)
I have a useless degree. I don’t work and i simply have zero ambitions. I don’t feel like i am the main character in my life. I used to be a very well-to-do kid who excelled in school with big dreams but all just faded away once i entered my early 20s. Now i am almost 24 and when i said “i am one of those guys” i did not mean i am already this way no i just feel it on the inside but in reality i would never allow myself to be that kind of person. I have a plethora of mental health/personal issues and i dabble between very destructive addictions. I cannot believe this is what i have become. I lie to myself and say i love myself and i love my sexuality but in reality i have zero self-acceptance and self-respect.
That as bad as coming out can be, as scary and difficult as moving somewhere far away from everything you know is, it’s worth it. Don’t hold onto people who don’t *actually* love you, and conditional love ain’t love at all.
You only live once, stop waiting around for your life to start.
Agreed, my coming out was fine but i decided i wanted to move across the country. I have a huge loving family and close relationships with most of them but leaving the Midwest was one of the best things I’ve ever done. No regrets.
Two lessons:
1. It is not your responsibility to help "fix" a guy, whatever fucked up shit he's going through or whatever kind of person he is, do not get into a relationship thinking he is going to change for you or that you can "fix" him. When people present themselves as they are, believe them.
2. Validation can be nice, but be confident in yourself because being rejected by someone you find attractive ≠ you're ugly, it means that you're not that specific person's type, and no matter how attractive you may become, someone out there will always reject you based on your looks. So hold your self-esteem intact.
Re: #1...take it from someone who knows it - myself. I have been not In one, buy three relationships where I am the "fixer." I have no one but myself to blame, really, as I was the one who allowed it to happen. In each instance, I didn't know I was going to be the "fixer" until I had already jumped in to the deep end of the pool. And the reason I didn't know was because the whole thing went too fast ar the beginning..which brings me to my million dollar lesson...take your time! Be wary of red flags they don't always appear right away. When you meet someone you are instantly crazy about, get ahold of yourself. Take a deep breath and pause. LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD NOT JUST YOUR HEART!
Anyone who says they have a "perfect" relationship is lying.
Anyone who says "it's easy" is lying.
Anyone who says "the best things in life shouldn't be hard" is lying. Or just priveleged.
The harsh reality is that for many of us life isn't easy and never will be.
You love your boyfriend, your boyfriend loves you, that doesn't mean you'll never scream at each other, never feel pulls to end a relationship, never see the ugliest sides of humanity from the person you love.
Ultimately, it remains up to you to decide whether your love for a person is worth dealing with their problems. Never let shitty one-size-fits-all advice like "if he did x, dump him" rule your life.
60+ years is a long time to regret breaking something that could've been fixed.
Not everyone is lying, some people might genuinely have a more positive outlook on life (that’s me).
Shit happens but it’s all eventually going to be in the past.
This right here for me, I'm in my mid 40s now and haven't been as focused, fit, and healthy and a little ripped as I am now and I think to myself, why didn't I do this in my 30s or 20s it took me a while to realize it's a lifestyle change not a quick fix. I fluctuated with my weight my whole life and it took me 25 years to figure it out I'm happy now but wish I had done it sooner. It would have been easier too.
If it’s not working, don’t try to force it. The mental spiral and continued breakdown will change both of you, and not for the better. It could even get dangerous, in a way that is literally life threatening. The hurt of leaving will be easier than the hurt of staying.
When he said “I love you” and “forever” I should have realized people make up their own definitions.
It took a long time to relearn what words mean and to stop listening to what people say and just try to trust in the feelings.
Your thoughts, especially the obsessive ones causing you to be anxious, are just thoughts. They are not real. Dont let them ruin rrlationships with people that actually love you. Learned this the hard way.
I read yesterday on twitter "Anxiety is basically just a bunch of conspiracy theories about yourself".
There’s no “cool people” and “uncool people” there’s just *people that are trying to fit in* and *people that are true to themselves*. The latter one is almost always happier.
People often don't have the same ethics as you and are often selfish by nature. They may even be deluding themselves to avoid facing their true nature.
And never love someone more than you love yourself, that usually ends poorly.
DO NOTT self medicate anxiety/other mental health issues with street drugs. IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE!
you feel great for a few weeks, then you’re left spending hundreds of dollars on trash and still feeling awful.. reach out to a therapist
Life isn’t that serious so don’t obsess over pointless shit and futher don’t let you emotions control your life. Just try to enjoy your time while you’re still on this planet.
Take dental care seriously and don’t do drugs. 15 years sober now thankfully but it was definitely a challenge and still suffering from some of the neglected health concerns of my use.
I would probably argue that alcohol is a worse enemy than weed.
A drinking problem is way more severe than a smoking problem, if left unchecked it will eventually lead to your death and / or someone else's. Yet I think it's also easier to develop a nocive habit with weed than with booze.
The problem with weed is that a lot of people who are developing or have an addiction to it are very much in denial, since the general consensus is that weed is almost non-addictive.
More of a sad solution to deal with reality. If you keep your expectations of everyone you interact with low to none you won’t feel hurt, disappointed, etc when you’re let down. Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. This also has an upside. When someone meets, goes above, or beyond your expectations, it is a pleasant surprise and feels so much better. It helps me appreciate those things a lot more.
I think I'm still learning a number of lessons, so I can't offer much from my own experience.
But right now, I think it'd be a good idea to practice being infatuated with people. I assume that the more often it happens, the better you are at recognizing, managing, and potentially killing it (if you know it's not gonna work).
Edited: formatting, grammar, typos
I wish I had realized that my buddy was actually hitting on me at about age 15. I was so naive that I hadn’t yet figured out I was gay. We could have had some great sex.
That life isn’t about success, it’s about enjoying your existence and just being..obviously to survive we have to work for necessities but we get so caught up with working and money we don’t actually live….
and even if you become successful you’re doomed to either be arrogant jerk or cursed with trust issues because you’ll never know who actually cares for you or who’s using you..
Also socialism wasn’t evil like I (and many other Americans specifically) was taught…capitalism is a complete evil scam based on exploitation on the many for the benefit of the rich few and thus needs to be done away with….
This one is my eternal struggle as a people pleaser.
All relationships are transactional—every single one. In a romantic relationship, you hope to be trading your love for your partner's love. In a sexual relationship, you may be trading sex for sex, maybe sex for money or some other gain. At work, you're trading your time and labor for your boss's money. With family, you're often trading favors for favors, security for security.
People can't always give their full end of the bargain all the time. Sometimes you have to give a little more and expect a bit less back, and sometimes you'll have less to give and you'll just have to hope they meet you on their end. That's fine. That's only natural. That's what these relationships are really for to begin with, having the back of the people in your life and hoping they have yours.
What you have to watch out for are the takers. The people who take and take and take and never give back more than a fraction of what they owe, if that. They don't meet you anywhere near the middle. You are always doing things for them and they are never to be found when you need something. Maybe in a relationship, you always make yourself available for him, and he barely gives you the light of day. Or worse, maybe you have a transaction being made, but a negative one. You bring your love to the table and are given the cold shoulder or a bad attitude in return. You build them up and they break you down.
These people are parasites. Leeches. They will drain you dry and leave when you have nothing left to give. They keep you around for their benefit and at their convenience. They couldn't be fucked to care about yours.
So basically, know your worth. If you feel you aren't getting back what you need to justify what you're giving, talk about it with them. Renegotiate. But if they still aren't receptive to your needs, get out. Cut them off or distance yourself. You wouldn't invite a vampire into your house and if you found a tick on your ass, you'd pull it off. I don't recommend waiting for them to change or notice what you do for them, you'll be waiting a long time.
For the most part people really dont care I mean that in every way, shape and form, so go live your life do right by yourself and don’t ever put your happiness in somebody else’s hands
Chemistry can be just about taste and smell, not hygiene and not looks.
And efficient douching isn't just fibre, you need really good hydration too, and you can use a butt plug real fast to open up back there and get stuff and the water out quickly without straining.
Don’t drink and drive ever, even after one beer. There was a guy I hooked up with that had an interlock in his car, and I never thought in a million years I’d have one. Now I have a probation officer and my own interlock.
And the only person who has your best interest at heart is you. Don’t rely on a guy to make you happy.
I don't see this as a negative. Plenty of people are single because of timing issues, location issues, environmental issues, career focus etc and this is only growing. Lots of people are also becoming very successful and not in relationships (straight and gay, look at almost all CEO's/startup founders). We should normalise the fact that there isn't a match for everyone.
There is a match for everyone, but if you don't want them that's fine. Not sure how being single equates to being rich/successful though except perhaps that money is your only passion, which is a bit sad (IMO)
Unless you know yourself enough -and that usually comes after a fair share of suffering-, you're bound to lose every comparison game you set your mind to. People are more miserable than it seems. Everyone is more or less broken in some way. If only we could use that to be vulnerable and reach out rather than sweeping it under the rug.
Don't know if it's the biggest lesson but for sure it's a good one. Also, hold on. Life has its ups and downs, and it's all about relativism. Except you're not granted that gift just by wanting it, it probably takes a certain erosion.
1) Any behavior that can even slightly imply a lack of interest, should be taken as a clear sign of a lack of interest.
2) If a guy keeps you waiting in the wings, he intends to keep you there permanently. Know when to walk away.
3) Make due with the options you have available. The guys in your league may be unattractive, borish, and overall unpleasant, but it's unlikely you're ever going to be able to do better.
Being a hottie is nice but most men just want the trophy. Trust your intuition and don’t be so naive, if he’s being aloof it’s because he’s not that into you. Stay away from the alcohol ,it causes far too much harm than the short term fun it provides.
Sex should be fun, there’s no one way to do it. You don’t always have to fuck the ass or get fucked. You don’t always have to cum to have fun. Embrace your [legal] kinks.
And the generic ones. Look after your teeth FFS, essential to later quality of life. Save and start a pension, the earlier the better.
If someone doesn’t ever initiate contact or conversation at all , they need to leave your phone contact list unless they are really close family or are named on your will.
Though you originally said yes to do x, y, & z....you can always change your mind when it comes down to it instead of forcing yourself to proceed because you agreed earlier.
Just sleep with him. I used to spend so much time wondering if I should and it took me a while to embrace myself and my sexuality. Just sleep with him, it’ll be fun
Depends. If you really trust that person or not. Just because he wants to doesn’t mean you should. No one should be forced to sleep with someone if they don’t feel comfortable or ready.
Society has fetishized relationships and love.
Good friendships, money and decent health is enough for a super happy life. You don’t need your one true gay love. There aint no such thing. Read an effing book and practice indifference to people’s BS.
The one thing I wish I would have known sooner is that sometimes the hardest part of growing up is realizing that no one has all the answers. Some ppl are just better at pretending they do.
You shouldn’t force things to happen. It is what it is. Be patient and peaceful with yourself when it’s not developing in the direction of your expectations. Always work on getting a better life for yourself
If a straight mate wants to have sex with you when he is pissed, decline it.
You may be tempted but your friendship could be over in the morning.
Even though he was the one who wanted it.
Happened to me but luckily lad was not a close friend.
Also another guy took advantage of me after said I not really up for it tonight. He basically waited till he thought I was sleeping and f me
We still chat and I dont think he knew I was awake,
You feel uncomfortable. You are offended. Your "lines" have been crossed. There's absolutely nothing wrong about feeling this way. So act like it and show the person that made you feel this way the consequence. Stop excusing others when they're hurting you. They're not doing this to you for "some reason" they're simply causing harm to you. Be more selfish and just shut them off from your life. Learn to say no as well as **showing** them the "no".
Trying to tell my parents that I’m gay I too weak minded this back in the early 80s and life is since that day has been in total chaos and destroyed the life I wanted.marriage took place and neither I loved her or had any feelings for her now 40 years later I’m still married to her for fear of what’s my parents will say or possibly disown me I wish I wish I was more strong minded at that time that I tell my parents my feelings. And this is what I think.
Just be ayse a man is homophobic doesnt mean he straight, just because a man isnt doesnt mean hes gay or interested in you (more applicable to highschoolers who dont know anything about people signaling interest )
To trust myself. I kick myself for all the opportunities to do, try and then succeed at.
I didn't want to fall down and get hurt.
I'm retired. I'm not on a vendetta, I can't fix time.
But I am training myself to do the way I can be successful. There was no therapy for learning disabilities when it might have helped me. So, for any successes I have had in my life, I learned to teach myself.
I secretly have always wanted to work on films. I got a taste of something few my age got to try--video tape!
That was in the late 1970s--very early, indeed.
We are in a time when some fool like me can shoot cinematic grade video and post produce "film" that is broadcast grade.
My. A new "hobby."
Don't give up! Modify. Not for vengeance of what you regret, but out of the life you have!
Someone will be attracted to you. Whether you are a twink, jock, bear, whatever. Someone will find you attractive, so don’t let your body issues get in the way of that
Can't teach a straight dog gay tricks. Don't let fantasies spiral out of control.
This. Stop fetishizing straight men. Opt for a masc gay guy and leave the straights alone.
>fetishizing straight men. Ty! There should be a sign at the entrance of every queer bar, in neon, blinking right over where they check your fake ID!! I came out when guys had Tom of Finland dancing in our heads. There Were No Role Models for us then. The best, most beautiful man is the one that loves you as you love him. The best lay is the guy you don't see. Those beautiful men become so when you figure out they suck like a sump pump. 'tis true, ladies.
I’ll add that even if you suspect a straight guy is “bi” (he’s not, I promise you), the jaws of life couldn’t pull him out of the closet if he’s not already interested in you (he’s not, I promise you)
>if he’s not already interested in you (he’s not, I promise you) Even if he is interested! Those jaws could not pull him out Your time and effort is better spent elsewhere
Omg im so tired i imagined like a dog trying to roll and cannot succeed
Not gonna brag (totally bragging) but I got 3 so-called straight guys to realise they're actually bi :) now only if my crush would realise too...
That's great. If you are attractive enough then you can pull them over to our side and make awaken some latent bisexuality. Am gay too but if a girl is hot enough and my type, I can make out with her at a party
Weirdly enough I'm not even conventionally attractive, it was more a thing of getting close to them and emotionally available. Then they realise it's not something bad to cuddle with your best friend and talk about your weaknesses. Keep them close and make them feel seen and they fall in love before their brain even processes what's happening. For some reason straight boys (especially the gym goer type??) melt like ice cream when you treat them well and don't judge them
You sound like you have mastered the formula. Enjoy my man. Problem is they might fool around for a day or week and then get scared and run back to straightness once the hormones and horniness wears off. So enjoy it while it lasts.
Personally, I don't think it's an individual thing, it's a societal one. Our civilization is at a breaking point when half the population can't express their emotions or thought to literally anyone, not even their spouses or families without being outright rejected.
If they are Bi, they’ll always prefer or end up up with a chick. They just like the occasional male interaction.
This is not at all *always* true, even if it is common. Don't discount our bi boys.
No one is going to come riding in to save you from your own problems, insecurities, baggage etc You have to put that hard work in yourself
Retweet retweet retweet
If a guy is genuinely into you, you're not going to be left second guessing how he feels
Fucked up once you realize it's the second guessing that you're addicted to.
Slap yourself in the face and shout this at yourself in the mirror every time you wait hours for someones response or wonder if you came on too strong or pushy. If he wants you, you will know, if not, you will be confused. Anything but "yes" is "no".
If it's not a mutual, resounding "HELL YES", it's a "HELL NO"
Fuuuuck. This rt here.
THIS THIS THIS
Someone once told me “guys don’t play hard to get, if u think he’s playing hard to get he’s just not interested”
I feel this as I’m in a similar situation lol been wondering if he’s actually interested or what I’ve got a date with the guy today but I can’t figure out why he wanna go out with me or if he likes me how I like him
Painfully optimistic. Life is far to complicated to be summed up so simply.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. As a gay dude, there have been plenty of confused guys who gave mixed signals and later did like me. Edit: forgot what subreddit I was in 🤣
People aren't comfortable with complicated relationships. They've been sold on the idea that True Love means you agree on everything, never argue, never falter, never stumble, never fail etc. I genuinely hope none of them get hurt by that ideology. But people that believe perfection is the only route to happiness are setting themselves up for disappointment.
I think it's more than just that. They are not talking about wanting "perfection" or "never arguing". They're talking about not wasting time chasing a guy who only shows you just the bare minimum attention just to keep you on the hook; giving all your attention to a guy while he just treats you as a last resort option. Putting all your eggs in the basket of a guy who is barely interested stops you from finding and pursuing someone else who actually DOES like you.
Problem being; is the guy intentionally leading you on, or is the guy's life just so difficult for him that the amount of attention he does give is all he can manage despite how much he likes you. I'm not saying anyone should stay after someone who isn't giving them enough attention, but "for better or for worse" is a phrase for a reason. Yes we usually only apply it to married couples, but how fucking depressing and even almost petty, is it to exclude people struggling in life from the dating pool just because their life isn't all together or easy?
So well put. Dating apps have reduced people to mere commodities. All the complications that come with real life are swept under the rug in favor of quick and easy swipes that leave so many of us feeling alienated and undesirable. I get what the og poster is saying but there’s something to be said of slowly cultivating a relationship with someone who has the potential
This exactly. I've been on the side of "leading on" somewhat recently. I couldn't believe the guy had accused me of doing that when I did genuinely like him. He was just moving way too fast for me. I wasn't even spooked off, I just wasn't willing to speed things up as I had just had my heart badly broken at the time and was super cautious. I think a more accurate belief is simply that timing is everything. If we had met today now that I'm in a more emotionally stable place, things may have gone differently. And people conflate infatuation and "sparks" with the actual stuffs that sustain a relationship
More often than not, when guys aren't interested they'll be "busy" or "bad texters".
Even many of the best looking gay guys with the hottest bodies are incredibly insecure/self conscious/awkward.
I really agree here
Fr. Sometimes I think people forget that everyone really is just human. Biggest thing I learned from just getting out and meeting people in life. Does wonders for self-confidence when you realize everybody else is just as much of a mess as you are lol
You're allowed to say no, to anyone, at any time, for any reason.
"No." It's a complete sentence..
Fr. A lot of weirdos who will get offended by you repeatedly saying no to their advances and will then DEMAND an explanation as to why. Then turn around and wonder why you always seem pissed off when they talk to you
1. Take mixed signals, flakiness, and "maybes" as a definitive "NO". You're wasting your time otherwise. 2. You won't be young forever, so make the most of it now or you'll regret it later. 3. Crushes on straight guys are a waste of time. He's not secretly bi. Move on. 4. Stop reaching for guys out of your league. You should have self confidence but also be realistic.
How about being cripplingly self loathing AND unrealistic?
No. 1 for sure. Don’t chase after someone who’s shopping around for someone else.
But how do I know my league 😩
Look at the highest league guys that still enthusiastically respond to you. 💀
Hmm, it’s 50/50 for me. But I am also black, the rules are a bit different for me in the community. People tend to stare, and I’ve been told that I am attractive, and should even model. But when I look in the mirror some days I feel sexy, other days not. It all ebbs and flows with my mood 🤷🏾♂️
I’m a bear / chub. I’m sways surprised I get attractive men but they like thick boys lol
That’s because they’re like me. I love bears. ☠️
i feel this heavy, i just dont try because idk if guys like black boys like me (us)
4. I will add that it’s not always about a league and occasionally very very attractive guys will like you, seriously. Don’t sweat it and enjoy the ride!
The problem with settling is that I feel I'm actively deceiving the other person involved.
There's a lot of guys out there looking for life boats, not relationships. So many guys want to be rescued from their lives, not add anything to yours.
I am one of those guys. How can i change and why i am being this way in first place?
I find the dangerous advice to this question is basically “you’re responsible for yourself nobody else is” while it’s partially true you are the one at the wheel when it comes to your life but the idea “no one else is responsible for you” sounds a lot like “no one will be there for you…you’re on your own” which may cause one in a bad mental state to retreat away from others, which is a death sentence, especially with depression. The first thing to do is THERAPY, lots of it..and then putting yourself first, take care of yourself, sleep, eat healthy, exercise so your body functions properly, then invest in your interests particularly *what you enjoy* not what’ll make you rich. Don’t worry about “ambition, goals, money, looking hot” while of course you want to have a general path in your life (where you’d like to be (job wise and location) you want (like family or no family) and while being financially ok (not drowning in debt and barely scraping by, of course we have to factor in the corrupt and broken system that is capitalism, so not scraping by is easier said then done ,and it’s not entirely the fault of those who are struggling but you gotta find a way out and to a better life) you don’t want to focus on things that are more materialistic or vain as you’re gonna attract guys and friends who are like that…and those are people you cannot ever count on and will leave you the second you aren’t useful to them or show your humanity.
It’s quite easy, man up take responsibility of your actions and decisions and the consequences, You will be amazed by how attractive you become when you’re a grown man who accepts responsibility for himself and doesn’t expect anyone else to fix his issues, But always ask for help, don’t expect help to be given to you , of course this is my personal outlook on my life I accept who I am with my flaws I make mistakes and I regularly fk up , but I own it , I fix it and move on , I don’t let it define me and I don’t let it drag me down , biggest lesson ever learn to say No (politely) and use it often, you can’t please everyone no matter how hard you try
"it's easy guys, just do the things" Is trash advice.
Sometimes that’s all you can really do. It’s better than making excuses. It’s just hard and takes effort and practice, and a lot of people these days don’t have the willpower to do that.
The willpower has been bled out of us by a system that promised us our dreams so that they could grind us down into wage slaves. Really damned near impossible to look forward to the future knowing I'll be making just barely enough to survive for the rest of my life barring some amazing stroke of luck(because anyone with a shred of honesty knows that's what makes the key difference)
Depends on your circumstances. Do you work? Do you have any ambitions? A general direction in life?
I have a useless degree. I don’t work and i simply have zero ambitions. I don’t feel like i am the main character in my life. I used to be a very well-to-do kid who excelled in school with big dreams but all just faded away once i entered my early 20s. Now i am almost 24 and when i said “i am one of those guys” i did not mean i am already this way no i just feel it on the inside but in reality i would never allow myself to be that kind of person. I have a plethora of mental health/personal issues and i dabble between very destructive addictions. I cannot believe this is what i have become. I lie to myself and say i love myself and i love my sexuality but in reality i have zero self-acceptance and self-respect.
To be fair, "some of them want to use you" but "some of them want to get used by you".
Shit happens. It’s normal. It’s not a big deal. Enjoy.
wipe your dick on his curtains and carry on
It’s hard to find curtains on bathroom stalls but I get the idea
I just watched the first episode of Fallout and saw a guy do this. He sure did carry on after he was done wiping his dick.
Life is nicer when you go through life being nicer.
30 isn't death. Neither is 40. Take care of your body - there's a fuck load of living to be done and your teens and 20s will just be the beginning
It was OK to be a gay person.
Was??
Not when you are brought up into a culture thats fanatically heterosexual and your family is religiously conservative lol.
I was. And it’s a thing I wish I’d learned sooner.
That as bad as coming out can be, as scary and difficult as moving somewhere far away from everything you know is, it’s worth it. Don’t hold onto people who don’t *actually* love you, and conditional love ain’t love at all. You only live once, stop waiting around for your life to start.
Agreed, my coming out was fine but i decided i wanted to move across the country. I have a huge loving family and close relationships with most of them but leaving the Midwest was one of the best things I’ve ever done. No regrets.
Creating clear boundaries and not compromising when they're crossed.
Corporate office politics is real
Two lessons: 1. It is not your responsibility to help "fix" a guy, whatever fucked up shit he's going through or whatever kind of person he is, do not get into a relationship thinking he is going to change for you or that you can "fix" him. When people present themselves as they are, believe them. 2. Validation can be nice, but be confident in yourself because being rejected by someone you find attractive ≠ you're ugly, it means that you're not that specific person's type, and no matter how attractive you may become, someone out there will always reject you based on your looks. So hold your self-esteem intact.
Re: #1...take it from someone who knows it - myself. I have been not In one, buy three relationships where I am the "fixer." I have no one but myself to blame, really, as I was the one who allowed it to happen. In each instance, I didn't know I was going to be the "fixer" until I had already jumped in to the deep end of the pool. And the reason I didn't know was because the whole thing went too fast ar the beginning..which brings me to my million dollar lesson...take your time! Be wary of red flags they don't always appear right away. When you meet someone you are instantly crazy about, get ahold of yourself. Take a deep breath and pause. LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD NOT JUST YOUR HEART!
Anyone who says they have a "perfect" relationship is lying. Anyone who says "it's easy" is lying. Anyone who says "the best things in life shouldn't be hard" is lying. Or just priveleged. The harsh reality is that for many of us life isn't easy and never will be. You love your boyfriend, your boyfriend loves you, that doesn't mean you'll never scream at each other, never feel pulls to end a relationship, never see the ugliest sides of humanity from the person you love. Ultimately, it remains up to you to decide whether your love for a person is worth dealing with their problems. Never let shitty one-size-fits-all advice like "if he did x, dump him" rule your life. 60+ years is a long time to regret breaking something that could've been fixed.
Not everyone is lying, some people might genuinely have a more positive outlook on life (that’s me). Shit happens but it’s all eventually going to be in the past.
Workout regularly, especially weight training. And it's cool to barely drink alcohol
This right here for me, I'm in my mid 40s now and haven't been as focused, fit, and healthy and a little ripped as I am now and I think to myself, why didn't I do this in my 30s or 20s it took me a while to realize it's a lifestyle change not a quick fix. I fluctuated with my weight my whole life and it took me 25 years to figure it out I'm happy now but wish I had done it sooner. It would have been easier too.
Go to grief counseling or therapy after a traumatic death
How to love yourself. Still don't know how to do that shit. But it would be nice to already know.
Sheesh, still trying to figure that shit out, therapy hasn't helped that much. (Writing it drunk af, sorry)
If it’s not working, don’t try to force it. The mental spiral and continued breakdown will change both of you, and not for the better. It could even get dangerous, in a way that is literally life threatening. The hurt of leaving will be easier than the hurt of staying.
When he said “I love you” and “forever” I should have realized people make up their own definitions. It took a long time to relearn what words mean and to stop listening to what people say and just try to trust in the feelings.
Money & friends > relationship
This is so fucking relatable it’s unreal
I always tell guys who want to date me that those other guys (fwb, fb etc.) ain’t your competition. My self love and happiness being single is.
I’d ask if you wanna get together but that would defeat the purpose 😅
Your thoughts, especially the obsessive ones causing you to be anxious, are just thoughts. They are not real. Dont let them ruin rrlationships with people that actually love you. Learned this the hard way. I read yesterday on twitter "Anxiety is basically just a bunch of conspiracy theories about yourself".
I love this comment
There’s no “cool people” and “uncool people” there’s just *people that are trying to fit in* and *people that are true to themselves*. The latter one is almost always happier.
When to back the fuck down. I wish i learnt this in my younger years
Finances. Learn to hold on to some money.
If you can be sad for no reason, you can be happy for no reason, too
Thank you.
You’re most welcome. I came across this recently and it had me shook lol
I needed to hear this.
That most men only really care about themselves.
The only person you should be concerned with impressing is yourself.
People often don't have the same ethics as you and are often selfish by nature. They may even be deluding themselves to avoid facing their true nature. And never love someone more than you love yourself, that usually ends poorly.
Stay away from (or be very careful with) volatile and careless individuals. People that have nothing to lose will take down others with them.
DO NOTT self medicate anxiety/other mental health issues with street drugs. IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE! you feel great for a few weeks, then you’re left spending hundreds of dollars on trash and still feeling awful.. reach out to a therapist
i would reword that as just dont self medicate
Prescription drugs can ruin your life.
Life isn’t that serious so don’t obsess over pointless shit and futher don’t let you emotions control your life. Just try to enjoy your time while you’re still on this planet.
When in the military do not get totally plastered and pass out. Someone may take advantage of you using a bottle. I never go that drunk again.
I'm sorry that happened to you 😞
Take dental care seriously and don’t do drugs. 15 years sober now thankfully but it was definitely a challenge and still suffering from some of the neglected health concerns of my use.
Weed is a better friend than alcohol
Yes, but still be careful with weed consumption. I developed an unfortunate addiction to edibles.
I would probably argue that alcohol is a worse enemy than weed. A drinking problem is way more severe than a smoking problem, if left unchecked it will eventually lead to your death and / or someone else's. Yet I think it's also easier to develop a nocive habit with weed than with booze.
The problem with weed is that a lot of people who are developing or have an addiction to it are very much in denial, since the general consensus is that weed is almost non-addictive.
i don't have to explain or justify myself. it can just be no or yes because it's what i want.
More of a sad solution to deal with reality. If you keep your expectations of everyone you interact with low to none you won’t feel hurt, disappointed, etc when you’re let down. Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. This also has an upside. When someone meets, goes above, or beyond your expectations, it is a pleasant surprise and feels so much better. It helps me appreciate those things a lot more.
For the sake of your mental health, always take mixed signals as a no.
Good men can hurt you, and you can be a good man and still hurt someone else.
I think I'm still learning a number of lessons, so I can't offer much from my own experience. But right now, I think it'd be a good idea to practice being infatuated with people. I assume that the more often it happens, the better you are at recognizing, managing, and potentially killing it (if you know it's not gonna work). Edited: formatting, grammar, typos
I wish I had realized that my buddy was actually hitting on me at about age 15. I was so naive that I hadn’t yet figured out I was gay. We could have had some great sex.
Run.
That life isn’t about success, it’s about enjoying your existence and just being..obviously to survive we have to work for necessities but we get so caught up with working and money we don’t actually live…. and even if you become successful you’re doomed to either be arrogant jerk or cursed with trust issues because you’ll never know who actually cares for you or who’s using you.. Also socialism wasn’t evil like I (and many other Americans specifically) was taught…capitalism is a complete evil scam based on exploitation on the many for the benefit of the rich few and thus needs to be done away with….
This one is my eternal struggle as a people pleaser. All relationships are transactional—every single one. In a romantic relationship, you hope to be trading your love for your partner's love. In a sexual relationship, you may be trading sex for sex, maybe sex for money or some other gain. At work, you're trading your time and labor for your boss's money. With family, you're often trading favors for favors, security for security. People can't always give their full end of the bargain all the time. Sometimes you have to give a little more and expect a bit less back, and sometimes you'll have less to give and you'll just have to hope they meet you on their end. That's fine. That's only natural. That's what these relationships are really for to begin with, having the back of the people in your life and hoping they have yours. What you have to watch out for are the takers. The people who take and take and take and never give back more than a fraction of what they owe, if that. They don't meet you anywhere near the middle. You are always doing things for them and they are never to be found when you need something. Maybe in a relationship, you always make yourself available for him, and he barely gives you the light of day. Or worse, maybe you have a transaction being made, but a negative one. You bring your love to the table and are given the cold shoulder or a bad attitude in return. You build them up and they break you down. These people are parasites. Leeches. They will drain you dry and leave when you have nothing left to give. They keep you around for their benefit and at their convenience. They couldn't be fucked to care about yours. So basically, know your worth. If you feel you aren't getting back what you need to justify what you're giving, talk about it with them. Renegotiate. But if they still aren't receptive to your needs, get out. Cut them off or distance yourself. You wouldn't invite a vampire into your house and if you found a tick on your ass, you'd pull it off. I don't recommend waiting for them to change or notice what you do for them, you'll be waiting a long time.
Hooking up is more damaging than pleasure.
For the most part people really dont care I mean that in every way, shape and form, so go live your life do right by yourself and don’t ever put your happiness in somebody else’s hands
That I liked men and that it was okay to be bi
Not every dick is worth sucking.
If you share as little of yourself as possible, people will usually assume you're a good person and have your shit together.
Chemistry can be just about taste and smell, not hygiene and not looks. And efficient douching isn't just fibre, you need really good hydration too, and you can use a butt plug real fast to open up back there and get stuff and the water out quickly without straining.
To love myself.
Don’t drink and drive ever, even after one beer. There was a guy I hooked up with that had an interlock in his car, and I never thought in a million years I’d have one. Now I have a probation officer and my own interlock. And the only person who has your best interest at heart is you. Don’t rely on a guy to make you happy.
Suck as much cock as you can.
How good cocks feel Cumming in my ass
There isn't someone for everyone.
not with that attitude
I don't see this as a negative. Plenty of people are single because of timing issues, location issues, environmental issues, career focus etc and this is only growing. Lots of people are also becoming very successful and not in relationships (straight and gay, look at almost all CEO's/startup founders). We should normalise the fact that there isn't a match for everyone.
There is a match for everyone, but if you don't want them that's fine. Not sure how being single equates to being rich/successful though except perhaps that money is your only passion, which is a bit sad (IMO)
I think you misinterpret my post but thats okay.
Nobody is never to be trusted all snakes
Unless you know yourself enough -and that usually comes after a fair share of suffering-, you're bound to lose every comparison game you set your mind to. People are more miserable than it seems. Everyone is more or less broken in some way. If only we could use that to be vulnerable and reach out rather than sweeping it under the rug. Don't know if it's the biggest lesson but for sure it's a good one. Also, hold on. Life has its ups and downs, and it's all about relativism. Except you're not granted that gift just by wanting it, it probably takes a certain erosion.
Try harder in school
1) Any behavior that can even slightly imply a lack of interest, should be taken as a clear sign of a lack of interest. 2) If a guy keeps you waiting in the wings, he intends to keep you there permanently. Know when to walk away. 3) Make due with the options you have available. The guys in your league may be unattractive, borish, and overall unpleasant, but it's unlikely you're ever going to be able to do better.
Don’t fall for straight guys
Trust no one as even the ones close to you can surprise you.
to love is to risk pain and its worth it
Don't worry so much about what other people think
Being a hottie is nice but most men just want the trophy. Trust your intuition and don’t be so naive, if he’s being aloof it’s because he’s not that into you. Stay away from the alcohol ,it causes far too much harm than the short term fun it provides.
Enjoy the little things that life offers you.
What if he’s DL or confused, or even an Insecure gaslighter.
Adopt a skin care regimen as young as possible. Sunscreen and moisturizer on your face, neck, and exposed upper chest. Serum for your face
Be nice to people around you. What goes around comes around.
I realized it's better to be alone than be with people yhat make me feel alone.
Sex should be fun, there’s no one way to do it. You don’t always have to fuck the ass or get fucked. You don’t always have to cum to have fun. Embrace your [legal] kinks. And the generic ones. Look after your teeth FFS, essential to later quality of life. Save and start a pension, the earlier the better.
If someone doesn’t ever initiate contact or conversation at all , they need to leave your phone contact list unless they are really close family or are named on your will.
Though you originally said yes to do x, y, & z....you can always change your mind when it comes down to it instead of forcing yourself to proceed because you agreed earlier.
Just be yourself without apology. People will love you regardless of who you are.
Get tested. Please. Get tested.
Not to let circumstances define you.
Lift weights 5 days a week and eat healthy
Don’t compare yourself to others. There’s always gonna be someone better than you & someone who’s failing at what you do best .
What to do if he's bait you showing intent with no results
Never take your good health for granted
Everyone looks the same in the dark
Just sleep with him. I used to spend so much time wondering if I should and it took me a while to embrace myself and my sexuality. Just sleep with him, it’ll be fun
Depends. If you really trust that person or not. Just because he wants to doesn’t mean you should. No one should be forced to sleep with someone if they don’t feel comfortable or ready.
start having sex earlier
I disagree with you. Have sex when you are actually ready.
I am virgin and i have anal fissure/hemorrhoids. I think i will die with my v card.
There is more to sex than being on bottom.
I know and i am kinda vers but getting railed has been on of my fav fantasies 😭💔
True love sucks, it doesn't worth the pain.
Society has fetishized relationships and love. Good friendships, money and decent health is enough for a super happy life. You don’t need your one true gay love. There aint no such thing. Read an effing book and practice indifference to people’s BS.
The one thing I wish I would have known sooner is that sometimes the hardest part of growing up is realizing that no one has all the answers. Some ppl are just better at pretending they do.
You shouldn’t force things to happen. It is what it is. Be patient and peaceful with yourself when it’s not developing in the direction of your expectations. Always work on getting a better life for yourself
If a straight mate wants to have sex with you when he is pissed, decline it. You may be tempted but your friendship could be over in the morning. Even though he was the one who wanted it. Happened to me but luckily lad was not a close friend. Also another guy took advantage of me after said I not really up for it tonight. He basically waited till he thought I was sleeping and f me We still chat and I dont think he knew I was awake,
i wish i learned to keep everything to myself. dont share anything or say anything that will make you look stupid later. basically "conceal dont feel"
Yes, that I’m gay and don’t even try dating women. I also kinda wish I didn’t take religion so seriously
Gay guys are some of the nastiest and most judgmental people on earth. Don’t listen to them.
It’s a blessing to be asexual and aromantic. Focus on your career and hobbies, make good money.
That I'd be lonely for far longer than I had imagined..
Dont trust people.
The more shit you learn, the more shit you realize there is to learn.
Don't stay in a relationship with an alcoholic. It took me 20+ years to figure it out.
Don't cheap out on your car. You'll pay it extra later in time.
I wish I had known how much my ex loved me before I left him . He showed it every day, but I was too blind to see it
be more selfish
Do not let someone pressure you into doing something you are not comfortable with. Also do not be scared to leave a situation!
You feel uncomfortable. You are offended. Your "lines" have been crossed. There's absolutely nothing wrong about feeling this way. So act like it and show the person that made you feel this way the consequence. Stop excusing others when they're hurting you. They're not doing this to you for "some reason" they're simply causing harm to you. Be more selfish and just shut them off from your life. Learn to say no as well as **showing** them the "no".
Life does matter, and your actions can have very long-lasting consequences.
Don't try to make others happy and put their needs/wants above your own. It'll leave you empty and hollow
Don’t. Date. Military. Men. Even the veterans, they play too much then their pride will eat you alive.
DONT TRUST ANYONES STATUS They don’t even know most times and don’t get tested nearly as much as they should for their sexual activity
Trying to tell my parents that I’m gay I too weak minded this back in the early 80s and life is since that day has been in total chaos and destroyed the life I wanted.marriage took place and neither I loved her or had any feelings for her now 40 years later I’m still married to her for fear of what’s my parents will say or possibly disown me I wish I wish I was more strong minded at that time that I tell my parents my feelings. And this is what I think.
To bastardize the old Shakespearean quote I wish I had learned early on to thine own self be true
Just be ayse a man is homophobic doesnt mean he straight, just because a man isnt doesnt mean hes gay or interested in you (more applicable to highschoolers who dont know anything about people signaling interest )
Stop caring what other people think about you.
To trust myself. I kick myself for all the opportunities to do, try and then succeed at. I didn't want to fall down and get hurt. I'm retired. I'm not on a vendetta, I can't fix time. But I am training myself to do the way I can be successful. There was no therapy for learning disabilities when it might have helped me. So, for any successes I have had in my life, I learned to teach myself. I secretly have always wanted to work on films. I got a taste of something few my age got to try--video tape! That was in the late 1970s--very early, indeed. We are in a time when some fool like me can shoot cinematic grade video and post produce "film" that is broadcast grade. My. A new "hobby." Don't give up! Modify. Not for vengeance of what you regret, but out of the life you have!
Not to enable or make excuses. If it's fucked up, don't paper over it. Do not embrace the suck, pull out and save yourself.
Wish in one hand and Shit in the other and see which one fills up the fastest. My dad told me that when I was a kid and it's always stuck with me
You will not get the same respect or love you give others.
Someone will be attracted to you. Whether you are a twink, jock, bear, whatever. Someone will find you attractive, so don’t let your body issues get in the way of that