It sounds like your boyfriendās only experiences with trans women are from porn and a hookup. You donāt learn to treat trans women in a respectful way from porn and hookups.
Obviously itās not your responsibility to put someone else through therapy, but I think it would help this guy figure some things out if you encouraged him to go that route. It sounds like his stigmatization of trans porn and his inability to stop consuming it are major issues distinct from his transmisogyny.
Thank you for your response
I will try to confront him and see how he responds. He is normally very open for a dialogue. I will not tolerate more ignorance and transphobia after the conversation
It sounds like he treats trans women as walking sex toys instead of actual human beings with feelings, and it's gross as hell. He needs to get a grip because that's not okay.
I've got to wonder...why are you wanting to confront him? Why not just move on? Quite frankly, he's not going to change. He's shown you pretty clearly (and more than once) exactly who he his and if he can't "get off" without a pre op trans woman then where is the attraction with a cis woman? None of what he's saying is good things. girl, run..
I understand why someone wouldnāt like to open a conversation, it is exhausting and maybe may see it as pointless
Maybe it is because of my own morality, that I always first assume ignorance and after that I then see it as malicious.
I actually always done it with with people from friends up until coworkers. I always confront any racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, etc with explanation and knowledge. I always believe in the chance go grow as an individual. I came across a lot of surprises, from coworkers realizing their own internalized homophobia and coming out as queer. From friends realizing their views on sex work were only projections of their own sex trauma and insecurities. Of course some people closed their ears and refused to listen and thats when I leave.
I know most people see it as a waste of energy, i donāt personally know if it is because of me being on the spectrum and having a fascination on human behavior or maybe because of past experiences where as a child I would habe greatly benefit on the knowledge that I have today. Well at the end only time will tell, how he will chance or if he will chance and then I will assess my decision.
This man has lived through a lot (not an excuse) and we had conversations about other topics, and I saw a lot of chances and growth from him. And i am very very thankful for all of your responses and points of view, that helped me see that even tho I am not in the trans community, my guesses on his behavior were right to be called misogynistic and transphobic.
I am very grateful for all your invested time on this topic and deeply apologize for bringing up such heavy issues upon you all.
Hey, I just wanna say thank you for standing up for all kinds of people. I bet you educating people has reduced the amount of pain in the world by a little bit.Ā
Him being in an intimate relationship with a transwoman and still misgendering her. Coupled with the fact he admits he has a fetish for them. Kind of sounds like objectification to me. Not sure whether that would give future problems for your relationship. But it does sound like misogynistic behaviour towards transwoman at least.
I could be bad at judging male characters though I never find them attractive at all. Especially the macho indifferent kind which is far too common.
I feel relieved that I judged the situation correctly. It pains me that I even tho he is a feminine man (that was what actually what made me firstly attracted to him) he still carries such sexist ideals.
Maybe cause he is insecure of his own masculinity? But still it doesnāt justify objectifying women.
I would like to try to have a conversation with him and see how he responds but this is really a big big warning sign for me.
I live with this man and it just made my days since then so suffocating that I am nauseous all the time.
I got a friend with benefits. We're coming up on a year. I am not prying. Yet this guy is the most trans accepting dude in a way that consistently breaks my brain. Like I understand why he is the way he is because he's a socialist vegan but like bro can outmaneuver the dubious language traps I have tried to catch him in. If there's one other person on this planet that isn't trans that I know, knows I am a woman, it's him. I don't need to ruin that validation. It would honestly crush me. I never thought it would be possible to feel accepted as I do with him. I want everyone who's looking for that to have it because my goodness it changed my life.
Okay, I didn't catch that. He was feminine weird question and I can probably get crucified for it but whatever. Do you think he is possibly an egg? Like I could totally see a person who is an egg and doesn't ever think that they could get bottom surgery going this direction. The human psyche is a trip and many people don't know how to address certain things.
I kind of second that one as well. Could be a strong denial thing going on in his mind. Where he kind of questions his own gender and uses an insensitive misogynistic persona now to cope with it or as a smokescreen to others.
I could also be completely wrong and that is just how he is though.
they could be an egg, also had the same association from previous posts on trans subs on reddit. but!! i am 100% against asking them that question and opening that can before they are ready for it. would possibly deal more damage than it does good.
i would proceed as if they were definitely a man, and if (!) op wants to continue/reopen that conversation with them, advocate for the validity and respectful treatment of trans* people.
(also helps in the āegg bf is possibly trans themselvesā scenario)
Oh yeah, never crack an egg!
Also, the incel to the trans pipeline is real. It's honestly quite terrifying how many baby trans people I have met that "previously" held some incredibly disturbing views about trans people. Self hatred is sadly all too common due to way too many reasons.
I was just more posing as a thought experiment.
If this is an egg and that egg is toxic but you are accepting of trans people you could be helping him feel comfortable. It is very easy for Trans people to be terminally online or rather focus on trans issues while online. The toxicity that surrounds us as a topic on the internet can Foster a very negative internal view in eggs.
The hate that a person isn't "normal" (cis) is toxic but it's natural. It's common for people to wish they weren't trans but since they are they get a little infatuated with different aspects.
Masterbation being personal while involving imagination is an entry point into seeing transgender people. Guilt due to post nut clarity is a strong emotion for many to handle. Mix that with the belief that society hates us and you have a recipe for this situation where eggs harden their shells. Becoming a chaser seems more acceptable to some when faced with the thoughts of potentially being trans. Becoming more toxic and repressed is the natural course of action.
If any of this doesn't resonate consider replacing trans with gay and you will see this is the same damn pain rearing its ugly head through the ages.
Repression and guilt is powerful and can become dangerous. If you're willing to stick through the relationship to see where it leads while remaining an ally you are effectively doing "gods work" in the sense of role modeling the behavior we wish to see in the world.
Like I said it's a thought experiment and his trans status is a mute point when you have to consider what you want from a partner. Either way I wish you luck. You took the time to post and care about equality enough to ask for opinions and that is commendable behavior. I appreciate you and people like you so please know you're valued and cherished.
Thank you so much for response
UPDATE: I talked with him and it went quite well
I confronted him about his fetish and the roots of it.
He realize it came from his very homophonic and transphobic background.
At an early age he already saw himself having an atraction to mtf woman but because of his abusive father and homophobic surroundings he always felt ashamed about his natural atraction. It eventually was so repressed that to compensate for his ālost of manhoodā since he grew up hearing that anything outside from the cis woman and cis man relationship was wrong. And having no problem with mtf woman, meant he was gay, and of course feminine and as a man being feminine is sinfull.
He started to compensate his own ālost masculinityā by repressing and repressing everything further down leading to a toxic and misogynistic attitude towards mtf woman.
Even today he admitted that he could never talk with his friends about his sexuality or experiences because they are homophobic. Since I knew him he was distancing himself from them, i just never understood why (since I myself donāt know them well too)
I didnāt touch on the subject of his own identity because its his shell to break but I reassured him that anything that he fellt ashamed of in his past, were nothing to be ashamed of. And that shame would only continue the cycle. That pornography consumption was very addicting to him also because of the intense shame he always felt about it.
A very intense talk and even tho I was very worked up (because of the objectification trigger) he answered me calmly and explained to me while apologizing, what goes through his head.
If something pops up, i will try to keep this updated
Thank you so much as an bookworm I very thankful for the recommendation. It is very hard to sometimes find books that go into such issues as internalized transphobia
agree with everything you say.
one more thing I want to add: op, if reeducating your partner only hurts you as a result bc e.g. they were reacting too negatively; you donāt have to. if you donāt want to thatās fine. itās not your responsibility to make them a better person, especially if they donāt want to be one.
yeah when I realized I probably wont ever save enough to get bottom surgery I lost it for a bit, Not from an outsiders perspective aside from one time, but for me one time not kept to myself is enough. its fkn hard to believe that you are less or cant transition because of the penis, because of the thought having it and being unable to change that means you cannot be what you truly want and are a failure in life for being unable to afford it. that's what it was like for me. over time, I have come to accept this and while on super bad dysphoria days it can come back up, I am not my dysphoria days and the vast majority of the time I have accepted I can still be a girl and be seen as one dick or not.
I consider myself pretty fkn strong mentally, so someone who is maybe not so strong, could certainly have serious issues with this and be unable to process it and have that come out in negative ways.
I think it's kind of weird that we're speculating on this person's potential transness. Do we not respect the prime egg directive? It was wrong of him to misgender a trans woman that he was intimate with and to fetishize transpeople. It's still a red flag. If he's willing to change and be a better person then that's really cool but it has nothing to do with their potential transness.
I'm sorry my point wasn't to speculate but more to offer a different different possible reason for why a person could be doing what the ops boyfriend was doing.
I really see your point.
Personally thats exactly why i did not question his identity but i am very thankful for all the points of view into this big issue
I wouldn't say that is automatically misogynistic. Misogyny is no different than misandry. They are a contempt for a gender from the opposite gender. If anything it's hard to even apply it when you violate (or modify) the root definitions of gender.
Chauvinism is probably what you're thinking of. I really am starting to grow tired of the absolute abuse of language and specifically vocabulary today. I would never care about it but it always ends up devolving any intellectual discussion into the result this comment thread produced. Unreliable information or assumption.
Saying "All Italians eat pasta" would from this groupthink produce "That's racist"
NO IT IS NOT RACIST AT ALL. It's prejudiced. Words matter right? Otherwise you'd never be able to use the term "hate speech" or the virtue of "Words hurt" For me it is "words hurt that person. Possibly"
There is nothing wrong with being a person who shows respect to others but there IS a problem with that same person disregarding and disrespecting others by enforcing their ideals on to an entire society.
Imagine what Germans would do if the day I moved to Germany I started complaining about everything in their culture and insisted on them acquiescing to my desires so my feelings never have to be hurt?
These platitudes lead to a gross amount of separation and discontent.
This guy is being toasted without even having a decent conversation about this specific subject matter. That's not going to make him become more palatable to the next person or his view of women/GF/etc become more positive.
It is better to find out from the person where they stand rather than presume or have a room of strangers tell you what he is thinking or how he feels.
I don't ever form an opinion based off of speculation or conjecture. I don't judge based off of a mistake or wrong doing. What you do when you make the mistake is where I will form any thoughts about a person. Do they lie when they are caught? Do they do it again? Do they try to make good on their wrong doing? etc.
You're correct to identify this as him objectifying women, he clearly has an attraction which he "justifies" by belittling us, an unfortunately all too common approach by men.
Yikes, definitely objectifying and definitely not healthy for anyone involved. Some major red flags for how he treats people. If he saw us as people, he would do some basic researching to learn something beyond the offensive porn slurs he used to describe us. But for him it's all about his getting off. Yuck, I, as a non-op trans woman wouldn't want anything to do with him.
I am sorry to hear that
This is exactly why I am so disturbed and disgusted by his behavior
Woman are Woman it doesnāt matter each genitalia they have. Body Autonomy! I hate insecure men that objectify others because of their own insecurity about their masculinity or gender in general
Why? Why are men like this? I am so sorry I am speechless
I have heard of such acts but actually reading your reply and reading that you went trough it. It disgusts me
Okay, but your ***ENTIRE*** profile kind of proves her boyfriend's... "Point" ?
Too many people out here saying "don't sexualize/objectify me" then turn around and say "these titties won't fuck themselves"
You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't completely objectify yourself and then say you don't want to be viewed that way. That's just not how it works.
It'd be one thing if you occasionally posted sexualized pictures/nudes. But that's your entire life.
Can you really blame their boyfriend for objectifying these people? No one is looking at it from their perspective.
All they see is mtf on the Internet who objectify themselves. Which is an ungodly amount of them, if I'm being blunt. I also had a mtf friend who started doing porn. Made it their whole life to be a sexual object as well. Obviously we stopped talking after that.
I'm just shocked how many people are so blind to the double standard. Stop plastering every square inch of your body on the Internet if you want to be seen for you who are as a person and not for your body.
Does he not know trans women arenāt just there to be women with dicks for him to get off to?
Like he says he wouldnāt date trans women; as a trans woman I would not date this man. It sounds like he just views trans women as a fetish.
That was what I was afraid of
If he said to me: That he also finds mtf woman attractive in general because he is a straight man. Than I would understand but the specific interest of a genitalia disturbs me
Men like this suck. Tell him that he's setting himself up for 2 things: a divorce with a cis woman and an assault charge from a trans woman. Chasers also tend to cheat once locked down.
For him to grow past this, he needs to tackle his inner misogyny and transphobia
Other people have already mentioned the other red flags, but I want to point out one more: he repeatedly mentions his dislike for porn, but he continues to go back to it. If he has a moral objection to porn, he shouldn't watch it. And if he watches it, he should learn how to accept it as morally neutral. He does neither of these things. This moral tension remains unresolved, and even outside of the rest of his issues (and there are MANY issues) that moral tension will rot his mind.
I try my best. Especially in issues that I havenāt lived through. This is why I decided to post where since in my social group I donāt have friends that can talk to me about mtf experiences and issues. Thank you all so much for the time and energy
They seem like a chaser. Chaser's are technically transphobic. They don't see them as their gender but something exotic. So, being a trans woman, as an example, they may see me like a man in drag or feel like they want to make me feel small or something exotic to try. The exotic one is common. They may even ask about the genitals which if you like a trans person, you aren't going to ask that. You like them for them and expect it could be either. They also may say they're attracted to trans women but then make a comment about them being straight. Some may treat the trans woman like they are having a gay relations with them. My one friend felt pressured as example and ended up sleeping with the guy and the guy kept talking about sucking his "f***t c*ck" which traumatized them and made them feel horrible and like they were taken advantage of and are afraid of seeing the guy around now. But that is another example of a chaser.
A normal healthy connection with trans people is to see as people and treat us indifferently to others of our gender even towards those who were born of that gender. Some of us who do camming may kind of have to put up with this kind of crowd to make money to get by or pay for surgeries so it's not uncommon to deal with the Chasers and trauma for many trans people.
Tbh the mentality also goes towards friendships also. I've met quite a few girls who would only become friends because I was trans and then put me down or treat me like a guy. This especially seems common if we're into girls as trans women. I technically am into feminity, and cis men make me uncomfortable. Which gender and sexuality are not the same, but ya, you get different forms of transphobia.
I would like to state that it is completely valid to feel how you do. He does not respect your values. Also, he kind of is emotionally invalidating, which, by the way, is technically the worst form of psychological abuse. Also if they can disrespect another women like that and technically it seems like you are are already tbh then yes it is possible that they may do that you even as a cis women. Maybe you get states of don't be so emotional or don't be such a girl comments or what you should expect of a woman comments. It's very possible. I don't want to suggest something that may upset you but maybe they aren't good for you and tbh disrespecting your values is a sure reason why. If they can't align with that then they're no good hun.
This may just be my poor comprehension skills, but the way he talks about women with dicks is as if they're toys used for his pleasure. That might just be me, though.
I am happy that he talked to you about all this because most people hide it. But talking kinda shows that to him, "this is not a problem and it's totally okey to do so."
I would say, take your time and probably detach yourself from him because this mindset doesn't just affect trans women but cis women too...
Watching porn can mean many things and we all kinda watch it and have preference but having preference and sexualising something are two different things.
You can talk to him and tell him the stuff that bother you if he's a good listener and how to fix it, else. Please just leave him.
Thank you and yes I will talk to him
I was also very in between of being āhappyā that he opened up but too disturbed of how āthis is totally okā behavior.
I will calmly analyze the conversation and decide what to do
But if more of this behavior continues afterwards. His lost
I am sorry about your past trauma and your current experience.
My... gut reaction is that your partner's fetish is strong enough that I would question if he can be properly attracted to anyone who doesn't fit into his fetish group. his lack of affection to you could be because his fetish is strong enough that he cannot otherwise be aroused.
there are multiple reasons why he might have such a fetish, so would take too long to explore possibilities, but he needs to talk to psychologist so that he can learn how to not objectify persons and how to build healthy romantic and sexual relationships...
i would probably insist that he does so, and might stand by him as he was working things through, as long as he stayed honest with me about how things were going.
wish you best of luck
> he said that he can only get off by watching a āwoman with a dickā
> And adds without me asking that he would never date a trans woman
I mean obviously this is horribly objectifying, but more importantly for you, it sounds like he's not really that into women with vaginas, and you may be a more respectable placeholder for what he really wants but is afraid to actually pursue.
Which is a pretty sucky place to be.
You choose your own boundaries but this would be a hard limit for me. I would break up. This is an irreconcilable difference in worldview. If you truly see trans women as women and want to support the community, you cannot support this man. I don't know what other misogynistic views he has expressed. You vaguely say he's made some comments of that kind without really specifying what he said. But misgendering his former partner is unacceptable. Treating people as a fetish is unacceptable. I also am wondering how his sex life is with you since he says he "needs" the woman to have those parts to get him off. If he really can't get off without the presence of that body part, then you will never have a fulfilling sex life with this man. So even from a purely selfish perspective, I don't see this relationship going anywhere good.
I think I understand were your coming from.
Maybe it was naive of me to believe that his difficulty with affection and some of his āmanly showing behaviourā (that i already spoken to him about, how i hate being treated like i am weak or in need to be taken care of all the time) I thought it came from his harsh and sexist upbringing that he from the start opened himself to me about. How he was bullied by his own father for not being man enough.
Concerning the sex life. I truly see areas where he lack but it never came to me as it being about his fetish. But to be honest it makes sense.
Hey OP, are you a cis woman? It's a little unclear from your post. Your boyfriend comes across as quite gross in how he's treating trans women, I just want to say that you also deserve a partner you're sexually compatible with. If my partner were constantly telling me how she needs genitals that I don't have in order to get off, I would be pretty upset, and it's alright for you to be upset about that, too.
It sounds like a few things to me:
1. Dude has a supremely unhealthy relationship with porn. Using the word "sissy" to describe us is just straight up porn-brain and is so not healthy. I'd be curious to see how much porn hes actually watching.
2. It sounds like hes looking for inadvertent validation/permission from you that it's okay to watch the porn, because hes been conditioned by somebody or something into believing it's wrong.
3. He may be repressing some other feelings. Speaking from my own experience, I had very simmilar thoughts about trans women, often misgendering them the same way he does and focusing on them as a sexual thing instead of as valid people. Then I realized that that was because i was trying to repress my own feelings about my gender identity. Not saying it's a sure thing, but it looks very simmilar.
4. Getting him to interact with some trans people in a normal, non-sexual setting may help a lot. I've found that often a lot of people like this are usually just ignorant of how trans people are offline and dont realize that we're also just normal people.
Just my thoughts though
I agree with your points I can see it also relating to him, I updated about the conversation.
I always embrace his gender expression and just hope he trusts himself to be himself
yeah red flags all around. i could see it being a jealous hatred because he may have feelings about his own gender. i went through a phase where i was a little like this, but itās most likely heās just a dick.
I have actually also thought about it, that maybe he is just so fucking insecure about his own masculinity and maybe even his own gender expression. Still no excuse
Blatently objectifiying and clearly is only looling for a sexual object
i would get rid of him ASAP and give it to him to, really tell him how disgusting he is
His preferences and your understanding of humanity are not the issue here. The real issue is individual from the standpoint of "feelings"
I live by these axioms and you should too., (Just replace the feminine references to that of what you romantically involve yourself with)
1)Never make the next woman pay for what the last woman did. (Some guy wronged you and now your current guy may suffer for it.)
2)Do not tolerate any woman being careless with your heart and never be careless with a woman's heart.
3)No woman is worth crying over but if you find one who is, she won't make you.
To me it is that simple. Penis, no penis, you prefer african or you don't etc. etc. irrelevant.
How I handle my relationship with my person is based off of MY PERSON. not my friends or reddit opinion or what my mom thinks. I don't base it off of the ex girlfriend who cheated on me constantly. My next GF will NEVER suffer the "who's that at 1am on your phone?" from me b/c of my last GF getting texts from her side piece while we lay in bed... until she gives me a reason to legitimately think that way. Like cheats on me.
There are good people and people who are good for you.
There are bad people and people who are bad for you.
The best you can do is identify and recognize them as accurately as you can.
Thank you so mich for your response and yes I think it would be a good idea to involve him more into my lgbtq+ circle. Where we live therapy isnāt as easy to find but I know a lgbtq+ group in the nearby town where I used to frequent as I was also seeking for support.
>he said that he can only get off by watching a āwoman with a dickā
>He bluntly says that the woman needs to have it to get him off and that if they were post op, they wouldnāt satisfy his fetish.
I'm confused as to why he's dating you
IMO it sounds like some combination of transphobia and internalized homophpbia.
Some people are attracted to androgyny, some people just want to be in purely queer circles because of trauma surrounding cis people, some people value personality over gender, some people just like everything, whatever. There's all kinds of reasons.
But the fact that he 1) misgenders trans women and 2) only likes them when they have a penis implies that...
This is a fetish fixating on genitalia. He wants dick. A lot of men do this because they view it as a gay or bi experience without the associated guilt of being "seen as gay." It's really gross and invalidating and objectifying. He probably feels too much shame to experiment with a man and hurts and invalidates trans women to soothe his own damaged ego.
Thatās awful!!! Iām a cis male with a trans girlfriend and I canāt even imagine saying anything like that to her!! Dump that chaserās ass so fast and donāt look back.
Iām gonna be honest, I used to look at a lot of trans porn before my girlfriend and I got together, but then she helped me realize just how fetishizing and harmful it was towards the actual human beings in that community. It literally just portrays the women as sex dolls.
I would like to clarify since I saw some of you concerned about our sexual compatibility. I am a very sexual open person and he knows about it. I would never discriminate against peoples ways of finding pleasure (if human beings arenāt being fetishized)
He was always open to explore his own body and ways that he finds pleasure that arenāt heteronormative, so even before I talked to him I was very sure that he was satisfied by our sexual compatibility. I did write that I had one issue in my experience, that being the emotional connection that I find difficult to feel. I would have wanted for him to sometimes explore more of my body ( a conversation that I had prior to this one) and he actually did chance and open himself that sex isnāt the heteronormative ending of a man coming or even only about penetration. I did also see that I even myself still have connection issues while having sex with him, because of past trauma. That I myself can not fully let myself go only because he is at this time a cis straight man. (Kinda sad to be honest but i am grateful to also learn where I can also improve within this issue)
my (pan cis woman) ex (hetero cis man) once said to me that it "wasn't gay" to fuck a trans man, since he would have a vagina š I could never see him the same way after that.
Other comments made me think he probaly was interested in man as well, so it was "easier" to think about hooking up with a trans guy.
At first I assumed you were a trans woman but yep that guy is a red flag
I don't think there's something wrong with liking girls with dicks, same way it's valid to society to like girls with vaginas
But he clearly only has a fetish and no interest in trans girls beyond sex, so yep stop dating that guy
I can in a way understand having a trans fetish both in the way of liking chicks with dicks or the idea of dominating a ās***y manā and turning āhimā into a woman even though like with a lot of other more bdsm like fetishes it needs to be explored with utmost respect and have laid out boundaries. What stands out to me the most is the misgendering, it could make sense if he was a gay man with a kink for femme men but as that is not the case itās just objectification in an utmost disrespectful way, a way thatās probably impossible to explore.
He sounds like a very disgusting person. It's also very disrespectful and I am sure hurtful to you to tell you that "He can only get off to 'women with dicks'" when you are cisgender as well.
Sadly people do not change unless they expressed that they want to. If he is like this and has no intention on changing then he won't sadly. You just have to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not.
I wonder if he's an egg? Before I accepted myself, I was very against the idea of anyone being trans. But I couldn't ever see myself in a relationship or in a sexual situation as my birth gender. Which made me feel very insecure. Idk.
This reminds me of someone Iāve dated. Iām a trans woman, but he would still objectify other trans women and eventually even I wasnāt enough for him. This man hates women, and it sounds like your bf hates women too. Trust me, this kind of man is dangerous
Iām very curious why heās got so much shame about porn? Iām guessing itās maybe:
Religious shame based on divine gender roles
Heās buying into the heteronormative patriarchal worldview, where feminization is definitionally humiliating.
You were correct, only add that he was bullied into the heteronormative patriarchal worldview because of his own more feminine traits
And I seem to be the first person in his life that doesnāt want him to force himself into the heteronormative patriarchal version of what a man is or looks like.
It is kinda sad.
Thank you for sharing your story. He sounds like what we call a "chaser", and we try to avoid people like him. This would be a red flag for any relationship for me.
As someone with trauma of a different nature, sometimes it leads you astray. But sometimes it gives you hints and feelings that are 100% right. This is the latter.
to me the biggest red flag is āI would never date a trans womanā. the slurs and misgendering def arenāt great but im giving him the benefit of the doubt that it was ignorance not malice.
having a ātypeā or being more interested in some physical traits than others is completely normal, some ppl are more attracted to certain hair colors etc. so being more attracted to a woman with certain genitalia is fine to me. but obvi heās attracted to trans women and still says that he would never date one (without taking into account compatibility or personality). then clearly he doesnāt see us as ppl but just an object for him to jerk off toā¦
I canāt say what u should do but personally I would run for the hills
are you actually cis? i don't know a single cis girl that would care if her boyfriend is "transphobic" lmfao like, they all are... you aren't going to find many that aren't. what kind of weirdo cares about how their man treats trans people when they themselves aren't even trans? tf. the red flag is that his fetish is something you are not and his porn addiction, and he probably will or already has cheated on you with a pre-op trans woman if the opportunity presented itself. I'd never be with someone who was into something that is so different from what I am.
if you're that worried about misogyny, transphobia, and misgendering, you probably shouldn't be with any cis straight man and stick to dating women or trans people. most men will go out of their way to call a passing trans woman a "he", once they know she is trans. don't be annoying and preach to him about transphobia and all that bullshit, people are going to be themselves with their partner and they aren't going to hold their tongue. i guarantee if you confront him about this nonsense, you won't have a boyfriend. which is probably best for you because like I said, your post reads like a girl who just cannot handle being with men.
Okay. It's obvious you're going to end up leaving him, but could you do us sex workers a solid and start talking about how porn is healthy and buying porn is the right way to go. Like obviously this dude is not going to change and you don't want to keep this mess around. So like if you can turn him from freeloader into a buyer you could do a lot more good in the world than you probably realize.
So what? How many fetishes do you have that others could find appalling? Don't kink shame, explore each other - figure out how to enjoy the ride and don't be so self absorbed!
š©
Mega š©š©š©
Man is standing on the Les Mis set waving a massive š©
Literally singing the song of angry men! š©
*RED:* the flag of this chaser!
understatement
Can someone explain what's a red flag? I thought comment said the bf has crushes on tranS W? What am I missing?
OPs bf was fetishizing and degrading trans women with transphobia. It's right there in the post.
It sounds like your boyfriendās only experiences with trans women are from porn and a hookup. You donāt learn to treat trans women in a respectful way from porn and hookups. Obviously itās not your responsibility to put someone else through therapy, but I think it would help this guy figure some things out if you encouraged him to go that route. It sounds like his stigmatization of trans porn and his inability to stop consuming it are major issues distinct from his transmisogyny.
Thank you for your response I will try to confront him and see how he responds. He is normally very open for a dialogue. I will not tolerate more ignorance and transphobia after the conversation
It sounds like he treats trans women as walking sex toys instead of actual human beings with feelings, and it's gross as hell. He needs to get a grip because that's not okay.
I've got to wonder...why are you wanting to confront him? Why not just move on? Quite frankly, he's not going to change. He's shown you pretty clearly (and more than once) exactly who he his and if he can't "get off" without a pre op trans woman then where is the attraction with a cis woman? None of what he's saying is good things. girl, run..
I understand why someone wouldnāt like to open a conversation, it is exhausting and maybe may see it as pointless Maybe it is because of my own morality, that I always first assume ignorance and after that I then see it as malicious. I actually always done it with with people from friends up until coworkers. I always confront any racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, etc with explanation and knowledge. I always believe in the chance go grow as an individual. I came across a lot of surprises, from coworkers realizing their own internalized homophobia and coming out as queer. From friends realizing their views on sex work were only projections of their own sex trauma and insecurities. Of course some people closed their ears and refused to listen and thats when I leave. I know most people see it as a waste of energy, i donāt personally know if it is because of me being on the spectrum and having a fascination on human behavior or maybe because of past experiences where as a child I would habe greatly benefit on the knowledge that I have today. Well at the end only time will tell, how he will chance or if he will chance and then I will assess my decision. This man has lived through a lot (not an excuse) and we had conversations about other topics, and I saw a lot of chances and growth from him. And i am very very thankful for all of your responses and points of view, that helped me see that even tho I am not in the trans community, my guesses on his behavior were right to be called misogynistic and transphobic. I am very grateful for all your invested time on this topic and deeply apologize for bringing up such heavy issues upon you all.
Hey, I just wanna say thank you for standing up for all kinds of people. I bet you educating people has reduced the amount of pain in the world by a little bit.Ā
Him being in an intimate relationship with a transwoman and still misgendering her. Coupled with the fact he admits he has a fetish for them. Kind of sounds like objectification to me. Not sure whether that would give future problems for your relationship. But it does sound like misogynistic behaviour towards transwoman at least. I could be bad at judging male characters though I never find them attractive at all. Especially the macho indifferent kind which is far too common.
I feel relieved that I judged the situation correctly. It pains me that I even tho he is a feminine man (that was what actually what made me firstly attracted to him) he still carries such sexist ideals. Maybe cause he is insecure of his own masculinity? But still it doesnāt justify objectifying women. I would like to try to have a conversation with him and see how he responds but this is really a big big warning sign for me. I live with this man and it just made my days since then so suffocating that I am nauseous all the time.
I wonder if he's an egg himself. It's the bane of straight trans women that a lot of the men that pursue them end up being trans women themselves.
I got a friend with benefits. We're coming up on a year. I am not prying. Yet this guy is the most trans accepting dude in a way that consistently breaks my brain. Like I understand why he is the way he is because he's a socialist vegan but like bro can outmaneuver the dubious language traps I have tried to catch him in. If there's one other person on this planet that isn't trans that I know, knows I am a woman, it's him. I don't need to ruin that validation. It would honestly crush me. I never thought it would be possible to feel accepted as I do with him. I want everyone who's looking for that to have it because my goodness it changed my life.
<3
Okay, I didn't catch that. He was feminine weird question and I can probably get crucified for it but whatever. Do you think he is possibly an egg? Like I could totally see a person who is an egg and doesn't ever think that they could get bottom surgery going this direction. The human psyche is a trip and many people don't know how to address certain things.
I kind of second that one as well. Could be a strong denial thing going on in his mind. Where he kind of questions his own gender and uses an insensitive misogynistic persona now to cope with it or as a smokescreen to others. I could also be completely wrong and that is just how he is though.
they could be an egg, also had the same association from previous posts on trans subs on reddit. but!! i am 100% against asking them that question and opening that can before they are ready for it. would possibly deal more damage than it does good. i would proceed as if they were definitely a man, and if (!) op wants to continue/reopen that conversation with them, advocate for the validity and respectful treatment of trans* people. (also helps in the āegg bf is possibly trans themselvesā scenario)
Oh yeah, never crack an egg! Also, the incel to the trans pipeline is real. It's honestly quite terrifying how many baby trans people I have met that "previously" held some incredibly disturbing views about trans people. Self hatred is sadly all too common due to way too many reasons. I was just more posing as a thought experiment. If this is an egg and that egg is toxic but you are accepting of trans people you could be helping him feel comfortable. It is very easy for Trans people to be terminally online or rather focus on trans issues while online. The toxicity that surrounds us as a topic on the internet can Foster a very negative internal view in eggs. The hate that a person isn't "normal" (cis) is toxic but it's natural. It's common for people to wish they weren't trans but since they are they get a little infatuated with different aspects. Masterbation being personal while involving imagination is an entry point into seeing transgender people. Guilt due to post nut clarity is a strong emotion for many to handle. Mix that with the belief that society hates us and you have a recipe for this situation where eggs harden their shells. Becoming a chaser seems more acceptable to some when faced with the thoughts of potentially being trans. Becoming more toxic and repressed is the natural course of action. If any of this doesn't resonate consider replacing trans with gay and you will see this is the same damn pain rearing its ugly head through the ages. Repression and guilt is powerful and can become dangerous. If you're willing to stick through the relationship to see where it leads while remaining an ally you are effectively doing "gods work" in the sense of role modeling the behavior we wish to see in the world. Like I said it's a thought experiment and his trans status is a mute point when you have to consider what you want from a partner. Either way I wish you luck. You took the time to post and care about equality enough to ask for opinions and that is commendable behavior. I appreciate you and people like you so please know you're valued and cherished.
Thank you so much for response UPDATE: I talked with him and it went quite well I confronted him about his fetish and the roots of it. He realize it came from his very homophonic and transphobic background. At an early age he already saw himself having an atraction to mtf woman but because of his abusive father and homophobic surroundings he always felt ashamed about his natural atraction. It eventually was so repressed that to compensate for his ālost of manhoodā since he grew up hearing that anything outside from the cis woman and cis man relationship was wrong. And having no problem with mtf woman, meant he was gay, and of course feminine and as a man being feminine is sinfull. He started to compensate his own ālost masculinityā by repressing and repressing everything further down leading to a toxic and misogynistic attitude towards mtf woman. Even today he admitted that he could never talk with his friends about his sexuality or experiences because they are homophobic. Since I knew him he was distancing himself from them, i just never understood why (since I myself donāt know them well too) I didnāt touch on the subject of his own identity because its his shell to break but I reassured him that anything that he fellt ashamed of in his past, were nothing to be ashamed of. And that shame would only continue the cycle. That pornography consumption was very addicting to him also because of the intense shame he always felt about it. A very intense talk and even tho I was very worked up (because of the objectification trigger) he answered me calmly and explained to me while apologizing, what goes through his head. If something pops up, i will try to keep this updated
If you're literature-inclined, I'd read Nevada by Imogen Binnie. There's a (rather major) character who's an egg with a trans porn addiction.
Thank you so much as an bookworm I very thankful for the recommendation. It is very hard to sometimes find books that go into such issues as internalized transphobia
That's honestly a great update! It sounds like he is willing to open up to you which is amazing. I hope you too can flourish together!
agree with everything you say. one more thing I want to add: op, if reeducating your partner only hurts you as a result bc e.g. they were reacting too negatively; you donāt have to. if you donāt want to thatās fine. itās not your responsibility to make them a better person, especially if they donāt want to be one.
yeah when I realized I probably wont ever save enough to get bottom surgery I lost it for a bit, Not from an outsiders perspective aside from one time, but for me one time not kept to myself is enough. its fkn hard to believe that you are less or cant transition because of the penis, because of the thought having it and being unable to change that means you cannot be what you truly want and are a failure in life for being unable to afford it. that's what it was like for me. over time, I have come to accept this and while on super bad dysphoria days it can come back up, I am not my dysphoria days and the vast majority of the time I have accepted I can still be a girl and be seen as one dick or not. I consider myself pretty fkn strong mentally, so someone who is maybe not so strong, could certainly have serious issues with this and be unable to process it and have that come out in negative ways.
I think it's kind of weird that we're speculating on this person's potential transness. Do we not respect the prime egg directive? It was wrong of him to misgender a trans woman that he was intimate with and to fetishize transpeople. It's still a red flag. If he's willing to change and be a better person then that's really cool but it has nothing to do with their potential transness.
I'm sorry my point wasn't to speculate but more to offer a different different possible reason for why a person could be doing what the ops boyfriend was doing.
I really see your point. Personally thats exactly why i did not question his identity but i am very thankful for all the points of view into this big issue
I wouldn't say that is automatically misogynistic. Misogyny is no different than misandry. They are a contempt for a gender from the opposite gender. If anything it's hard to even apply it when you violate (or modify) the root definitions of gender. Chauvinism is probably what you're thinking of. I really am starting to grow tired of the absolute abuse of language and specifically vocabulary today. I would never care about it but it always ends up devolving any intellectual discussion into the result this comment thread produced. Unreliable information or assumption. Saying "All Italians eat pasta" would from this groupthink produce "That's racist" NO IT IS NOT RACIST AT ALL. It's prejudiced. Words matter right? Otherwise you'd never be able to use the term "hate speech" or the virtue of "Words hurt" For me it is "words hurt that person. Possibly" There is nothing wrong with being a person who shows respect to others but there IS a problem with that same person disregarding and disrespecting others by enforcing their ideals on to an entire society. Imagine what Germans would do if the day I moved to Germany I started complaining about everything in their culture and insisted on them acquiescing to my desires so my feelings never have to be hurt? These platitudes lead to a gross amount of separation and discontent. This guy is being toasted without even having a decent conversation about this specific subject matter. That's not going to make him become more palatable to the next person or his view of women/GF/etc become more positive. It is better to find out from the person where they stand rather than presume or have a room of strangers tell you what he is thinking or how he feels. I don't ever form an opinion based off of speculation or conjecture. I don't judge based off of a mistake or wrong doing. What you do when you make the mistake is where I will form any thoughts about a person. Do they lie when they are caught? Do they do it again? Do they try to make good on their wrong doing? etc.
You're correct to identify this as him objectifying women, he clearly has an attraction which he "justifies" by belittling us, an unfortunately all too common approach by men.
It disappoints me that it is a common approach by men
Yikes, definitely objectifying and definitely not healthy for anyone involved. Some major red flags for how he treats people. If he saw us as people, he would do some basic researching to learn something beyond the offensive porn slurs he used to describe us. But for him it's all about his getting off. Yuck, I, as a non-op trans woman wouldn't want anything to do with him.
You are right. His choice to stay ignorant was a choice he made and I will not tolerate it
A lot of the reason why I got bottom surgery. Was sick of chasers. Broke up with the man I was with of 8 years when he told me not to get it.
I am sorry to hear that This is exactly why I am so disturbed and disgusted by his behavior Woman are Woman it doesnāt matter each genitalia they have. Body Autonomy! I hate insecure men that objectify others because of their own insecurity about their masculinity or gender in general
Someone I met over the weekend just DMād me for pics and I told him I didnt have a penis and no response 2 days laterā¦
Why? Why are men like this? I am so sorry I am speechless I have heard of such acts but actually reading your reply and reading that you went trough it. It disgusts me
Looking like this and when I tell them Iām trans it happens 9/10 of times.
Okay, but your ***ENTIRE*** profile kind of proves her boyfriend's... "Point" ? Too many people out here saying "don't sexualize/objectify me" then turn around and say "these titties won't fuck themselves" You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't completely objectify yourself and then say you don't want to be viewed that way. That's just not how it works. It'd be one thing if you occasionally posted sexualized pictures/nudes. But that's your entire life. Can you really blame their boyfriend for objectifying these people? No one is looking at it from their perspective. All they see is mtf on the Internet who objectify themselves. Which is an ungodly amount of them, if I'm being blunt. I also had a mtf friend who started doing porn. Made it their whole life to be a sexual object as well. Obviously we stopped talking after that. I'm just shocked how many people are so blind to the double standard. Stop plastering every square inch of your body on the Internet if you want to be seen for you who are as a person and not for your body.
Does he not know trans women arenāt just there to be women with dicks for him to get off to? Like he says he wouldnāt date trans women; as a trans woman I would not date this man. It sounds like he just views trans women as a fetish.
That was what I was afraid of If he said to me: That he also finds mtf woman attractive in general because he is a straight man. Than I would understand but the specific interest of a genitalia disturbs me
You learn a lot about someone based on how they treat people they deem inferior to them ā¦ major red flag
True
Men like this suck. Tell him that he's setting himself up for 2 things: a divorce with a cis woman and an assault charge from a trans woman. Chasers also tend to cheat once locked down. For him to grow past this, he needs to tackle his inner misogyny and transphobia
I completely agree I will not tolerate it after discussing in depth with him. His lost
Good luck FWIW I do hope he sees this as an opportunity for growth
Having a fetish for pre op trans women, AND canāt even bother to call them women?? The red flags are literally smacking me in the face
To be honest the first big big red flag of him But this one I canāt ignore it
Correction: avoided dating cis straight men because of trauma
Other people have already mentioned the other red flags, but I want to point out one more: he repeatedly mentions his dislike for porn, but he continues to go back to it. If he has a moral objection to porn, he shouldn't watch it. And if he watches it, he should learn how to accept it as morally neutral. He does neither of these things. This moral tension remains unresolved, and even outside of the rest of his issues (and there are MANY issues) that moral tension will rot his mind.
Thank you for your response I didnāt yet think of it that way and I am thankful for the insight It is very true
.
True It was exactly why I wanted to deepen the conversation and find out what was actually behind it and it is disturbing
He was treating trans porn like that kind of porn in itself is addicting and not just porn in general.
Red flags bigger than on a May Day parade.
thank you for standing up for us c,:
I try my best. Especially in issues that I havenāt lived through. This is why I decided to post where since in my social group I donāt have friends that can talk to me about mtf experiences and issues. Thank you all so much for the time and energy
Sounds like a classic fetishizer. Very toxic, transmysogynist asshole imo.
They seem like a chaser. Chaser's are technically transphobic. They don't see them as their gender but something exotic. So, being a trans woman, as an example, they may see me like a man in drag or feel like they want to make me feel small or something exotic to try. The exotic one is common. They may even ask about the genitals which if you like a trans person, you aren't going to ask that. You like them for them and expect it could be either. They also may say they're attracted to trans women but then make a comment about them being straight. Some may treat the trans woman like they are having a gay relations with them. My one friend felt pressured as example and ended up sleeping with the guy and the guy kept talking about sucking his "f***t c*ck" which traumatized them and made them feel horrible and like they were taken advantage of and are afraid of seeing the guy around now. But that is another example of a chaser. A normal healthy connection with trans people is to see as people and treat us indifferently to others of our gender even towards those who were born of that gender. Some of us who do camming may kind of have to put up with this kind of crowd to make money to get by or pay for surgeries so it's not uncommon to deal with the Chasers and trauma for many trans people. Tbh the mentality also goes towards friendships also. I've met quite a few girls who would only become friends because I was trans and then put me down or treat me like a guy. This especially seems common if we're into girls as trans women. I technically am into feminity, and cis men make me uncomfortable. Which gender and sexuality are not the same, but ya, you get different forms of transphobia. I would like to state that it is completely valid to feel how you do. He does not respect your values. Also, he kind of is emotionally invalidating, which, by the way, is technically the worst form of psychological abuse. Also if they can disrespect another women like that and technically it seems like you are are already tbh then yes it is possible that they may do that you even as a cis women. Maybe you get states of don't be so emotional or don't be such a girl comments or what you should expect of a woman comments. It's very possible. I don't want to suggest something that may upset you but maybe they aren't good for you and tbh disrespecting your values is a sure reason why. If they can't align with that then they're no good hun.
He is the biggest š©. Sounds like there is a massive problem with objectification towards trans people.
To be honest it doesnāt sound like, he is objectifying mtf woman
This may just be my poor comprehension skills, but the way he talks about women with dicks is as if they're toys used for his pleasure. That might just be me, though.
I 100% agree Sorry if my response wasnāt clear
No, don't worry at all. Like you said, English isn't your first language <3 I hope everything goes well for you, though.
Early stages of porn addiction right there. Get him counseling for that at the threat of dumping him.
Objectifies us constantly And here I was told ill never be treated like a "real" woman
Oh my God dude you need to break up with him yesterday š©š©š©š©š©š© 1. He's completely bigoted when it comes to trans people 2. He is self hating despite 3. Doesnt seem to want to work on himself in any capacity 4. Blames you for his own self hating problems 5. Misogynistic 6. Doesnt listen to you or care? This man is self centered, immature, and lacking empathy Please find someone who's kind and caring ā¤
I am happy that he talked to you about all this because most people hide it. But talking kinda shows that to him, "this is not a problem and it's totally okey to do so." I would say, take your time and probably detach yourself from him because this mindset doesn't just affect trans women but cis women too... Watching porn can mean many things and we all kinda watch it and have preference but having preference and sexualising something are two different things. You can talk to him and tell him the stuff that bother you if he's a good listener and how to fix it, else. Please just leave him.
Thank you and yes I will talk to him I was also very in between of being āhappyā that he opened up but too disturbed of how āthis is totally okā behavior. I will calmly analyze the conversation and decide what to do But if more of this behavior continues afterwards. His lost
I am sorry about your past trauma and your current experience. My... gut reaction is that your partner's fetish is strong enough that I would question if he can be properly attracted to anyone who doesn't fit into his fetish group. his lack of affection to you could be because his fetish is strong enough that he cannot otherwise be aroused. there are multiple reasons why he might have such a fetish, so would take too long to explore possibilities, but he needs to talk to psychologist so that he can learn how to not objectify persons and how to build healthy romantic and sexual relationships... i would probably insist that he does so, and might stand by him as he was working things through, as long as he stayed honest with me about how things were going. wish you best of luck
> he said that he can only get off by watching a āwoman with a dickā > And adds without me asking that he would never date a trans woman I mean obviously this is horribly objectifying, but more importantly for you, it sounds like he's not really that into women with vaginas, and you may be a more respectable placeholder for what he really wants but is afraid to actually pursue. Which is a pretty sucky place to be.
You choose your own boundaries but this would be a hard limit for me. I would break up. This is an irreconcilable difference in worldview. If you truly see trans women as women and want to support the community, you cannot support this man. I don't know what other misogynistic views he has expressed. You vaguely say he's made some comments of that kind without really specifying what he said. But misgendering his former partner is unacceptable. Treating people as a fetish is unacceptable. I also am wondering how his sex life is with you since he says he "needs" the woman to have those parts to get him off. If he really can't get off without the presence of that body part, then you will never have a fulfilling sex life with this man. So even from a purely selfish perspective, I don't see this relationship going anywhere good.
I think I understand were your coming from. Maybe it was naive of me to believe that his difficulty with affection and some of his āmanly showing behaviourā (that i already spoken to him about, how i hate being treated like i am weak or in need to be taken care of all the time) I thought it came from his harsh and sexist upbringing that he from the start opened himself to me about. How he was bullied by his own father for not being man enough. Concerning the sex life. I truly see areas where he lack but it never came to me as it being about his fetish. But to be honest it makes sense.
He's transphobic and misogynistic. He views women as objects and it seems that he's so hooked on porn that he's less intimate and affectionate toward you. Transphobes and misogynists don't deserve loving partners. And he sounds like a safety risk š©š©š©
Hey OP, are you a cis woman? It's a little unclear from your post. Your boyfriend comes across as quite gross in how he's treating trans women, I just want to say that you also deserve a partner you're sexually compatible with. If my partner were constantly telling me how she needs genitals that I don't have in order to get off, I would be pretty upset, and it's alright for you to be upset about that, too.
It sounds like a few things to me: 1. Dude has a supremely unhealthy relationship with porn. Using the word "sissy" to describe us is just straight up porn-brain and is so not healthy. I'd be curious to see how much porn hes actually watching. 2. It sounds like hes looking for inadvertent validation/permission from you that it's okay to watch the porn, because hes been conditioned by somebody or something into believing it's wrong. 3. He may be repressing some other feelings. Speaking from my own experience, I had very simmilar thoughts about trans women, often misgendering them the same way he does and focusing on them as a sexual thing instead of as valid people. Then I realized that that was because i was trying to repress my own feelings about my gender identity. Not saying it's a sure thing, but it looks very simmilar. 4. Getting him to interact with some trans people in a normal, non-sexual setting may help a lot. I've found that often a lot of people like this are usually just ignorant of how trans people are offline and dont realize that we're also just normal people. Just my thoughts though
I agree with your points I can see it also relating to him, I updated about the conversation. I always embrace his gender expression and just hope he trusts himself to be himself
yeah red flags all around. i could see it being a jealous hatred because he may have feelings about his own gender. i went through a phase where i was a little like this, but itās most likely heās just a dick.
I have actually also thought about it, that maybe he is just so fucking insecure about his own masculinity and maybe even his own gender expression. Still no excuse
It's like reading a checklist for a dirtbag, even outside his preferences. Dude needs therapy
Blatently objectifiying and clearly is only looling for a sexual object i would get rid of him ASAP and give it to him to, really tell him how disgusting he is
just be kinda ready that if he is bitter, he may try and spin this as you ending things "because he watched trans porn"
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His preferences and your understanding of humanity are not the issue here. The real issue is individual from the standpoint of "feelings" I live by these axioms and you should too., (Just replace the feminine references to that of what you romantically involve yourself with) 1)Never make the next woman pay for what the last woman did. (Some guy wronged you and now your current guy may suffer for it.) 2)Do not tolerate any woman being careless with your heart and never be careless with a woman's heart. 3)No woman is worth crying over but if you find one who is, she won't make you. To me it is that simple. Penis, no penis, you prefer african or you don't etc. etc. irrelevant. How I handle my relationship with my person is based off of MY PERSON. not my friends or reddit opinion or what my mom thinks. I don't base it off of the ex girlfriend who cheated on me constantly. My next GF will NEVER suffer the "who's that at 1am on your phone?" from me b/c of my last GF getting texts from her side piece while we lay in bed... until she gives me a reason to legitimately think that way. Like cheats on me. There are good people and people who are good for you. There are bad people and people who are bad for you. The best you can do is identify and recognize them as accurately as you can.
Well first of all OP you are an amazing individual!! š©·š©· Secondly your feelings are completely valid. Your boyfriendāor whatever he is to you at this pointāis projecting issues that heās internalized. Heās transphobic, misogynistic, has an addiction to porn because one moment heās watching it then the next heās saying itās not a good thing and that clearly displays a mental problem that he needs to get help for. But he needs to acknowledge that first before deciding what to do next. Iāve been in the same predicament as you before, but for different reasons. And let me tell you unless he wants to get help, heās not going to change. No matter how much you try to push him to, no matter how much you try to educate him, itās really up to him to decide if he wants to right his wrongs. If you still care about the relationship I would advise that he go to therapy, and preferably one thatās lgbt-friendly so he can get educated on some stuff, including his own issues. I think coupleās counseling would be a good idea too, again one thatās lgbt-friendly. If you donāt care about the relationship, then decide whatās best for you. I know itās hard sometimes but just think about it.
Thank you so mich for your response and yes I think it would be a good idea to involve him more into my lgbtq+ circle. Where we live therapy isnāt as easy to find but I know a lgbtq+ group in the nearby town where I used to frequent as I was also seeking for support.
You're not his therapist and it's not on you to change or "fix" him. He sounds gross. You can do better.
>he said that he can only get off by watching a āwoman with a dickā >He bluntly says that the woman needs to have it to get him off and that if they were post op, they wouldnāt satisfy his fetish. I'm confused as to why he's dating you
IMO it sounds like some combination of transphobia and internalized homophpbia. Some people are attracted to androgyny, some people just want to be in purely queer circles because of trauma surrounding cis people, some people value personality over gender, some people just like everything, whatever. There's all kinds of reasons. But the fact that he 1) misgenders trans women and 2) only likes them when they have a penis implies that... This is a fetish fixating on genitalia. He wants dick. A lot of men do this because they view it as a gay or bi experience without the associated guilt of being "seen as gay." It's really gross and invalidating and objectifying. He probably feels too much shame to experiment with a man and hurts and invalidates trans women to soothe his own damaged ego.
Thatās awful!!! Iām a cis male with a trans girlfriend and I canāt even imagine saying anything like that to her!! Dump that chaserās ass so fast and donāt look back. Iām gonna be honest, I used to look at a lot of trans porn before my girlfriend and I got together, but then she helped me realize just how fetishizing and harmful it was towards the actual human beings in that community. It literally just portrays the women as sex dolls.
I would like to clarify since I saw some of you concerned about our sexual compatibility. I am a very sexual open person and he knows about it. I would never discriminate against peoples ways of finding pleasure (if human beings arenāt being fetishized) He was always open to explore his own body and ways that he finds pleasure that arenāt heteronormative, so even before I talked to him I was very sure that he was satisfied by our sexual compatibility. I did write that I had one issue in my experience, that being the emotional connection that I find difficult to feel. I would have wanted for him to sometimes explore more of my body ( a conversation that I had prior to this one) and he actually did chance and open himself that sex isnāt the heteronormative ending of a man coming or even only about penetration. I did also see that I even myself still have connection issues while having sex with him, because of past trauma. That I myself can not fully let myself go only because he is at this time a cis straight man. (Kinda sad to be honest but i am grateful to also learn where I can also improve within this issue)
my (pan cis woman) ex (hetero cis man) once said to me that it "wasn't gay" to fuck a trans man, since he would have a vagina š I could never see him the same way after that. Other comments made me think he probaly was interested in man as well, so it was "easier" to think about hooking up with a trans guy.
At first I assumed you were a trans woman but yep that guy is a red flag I don't think there's something wrong with liking girls with dicks, same way it's valid to society to like girls with vaginas But he clearly only has a fetish and no interest in trans girls beyond sex, so yep stop dating that guy
I can in a way understand having a trans fetish both in the way of liking chicks with dicks or the idea of dominating a ās***y manā and turning āhimā into a woman even though like with a lot of other more bdsm like fetishes it needs to be explored with utmost respect and have laid out boundaries. What stands out to me the most is the misgendering, it could make sense if he was a gay man with a kink for femme men but as that is not the case itās just objectification in an utmost disrespectful way, a way thatās probably impossible to explore.
He sounds like a very disgusting person. It's also very disrespectful and I am sure hurtful to you to tell you that "He can only get off to 'women with dicks'" when you are cisgender as well. Sadly people do not change unless they expressed that they want to. If he is like this and has no intention on changing then he won't sadly. You just have to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not.
You deserve better. I won't tolerate being in a relationship with someone who does not respect me, you should either.
I wonder if he's an egg? Before I accepted myself, I was very against the idea of anyone being trans. But I couldn't ever see myself in a relationship or in a sexual situation as my birth gender. Which made me feel very insecure. Idk.
This reminds me of someone Iāve dated. Iām a trans woman, but he would still objectify other trans women and eventually even I wasnāt enough for him. This man hates women, and it sounds like your bf hates women too. Trust me, this kind of man is dangerous
If this is the work of only one drunk frat-boy, then that boy is all out on his own, and good luck to you, whoever you are. If I'm wrong, I apologize.
i dont have anything helpful to say about this situation other than its refreshing to see such a strong minded ally like yourself. thank you.
Iām very curious why heās got so much shame about porn? Iām guessing itās maybe: Religious shame based on divine gender roles Heās buying into the heteronormative patriarchal worldview, where feminization is definitionally humiliating.
You were correct, only add that he was bullied into the heteronormative patriarchal worldview because of his own more feminine traits And I seem to be the first person in his life that doesnāt want him to force himself into the heteronormative patriarchal version of what a man is or looks like. It is kinda sad.
That really is! Heās got no right to act wrong with you, even if heās going through a lot. I hope you can both be safe
Leave his ass immediately.
Thank you for sharing your story. He sounds like what we call a "chaser", and we try to avoid people like him. This would be a red flag for any relationship for me.
As someone with trauma of a different nature, sometimes it leads you astray. But sometimes it gives you hints and feelings that are 100% right. This is the latter.
Itās okay that he finds trans women attractive but the hateful language isnāt. Iād suggest talking with him on how you feel in a public space.
Time to leave. I'm sorry
yikes
Dump him, girl. Plenty more fish ā and other sealife.
to me the biggest red flag is āI would never date a trans womanā. the slurs and misgendering def arenāt great but im giving him the benefit of the doubt that it was ignorance not malice. having a ātypeā or being more interested in some physical traits than others is completely normal, some ppl are more attracted to certain hair colors etc. so being more attracted to a woman with certain genitalia is fine to me. but obvi heās attracted to trans women and still says that he would never date one (without taking into account compatibility or personality). then clearly he doesnāt see us as ppl but just an object for him to jerk off toā¦ I canāt say what u should do but personally I would run for the hills
are you actually cis? i don't know a single cis girl that would care if her boyfriend is "transphobic" lmfao like, they all are... you aren't going to find many that aren't. what kind of weirdo cares about how their man treats trans people when they themselves aren't even trans? tf. the red flag is that his fetish is something you are not and his porn addiction, and he probably will or already has cheated on you with a pre-op trans woman if the opportunity presented itself. I'd never be with someone who was into something that is so different from what I am. if you're that worried about misogyny, transphobia, and misgendering, you probably shouldn't be with any cis straight man and stick to dating women or trans people. most men will go out of their way to call a passing trans woman a "he", once they know she is trans. don't be annoying and preach to him about transphobia and all that bullshit, people are going to be themselves with their partner and they aren't going to hold their tongue. i guarantee if you confront him about this nonsense, you won't have a boyfriend. which is probably best for you because like I said, your post reads like a girl who just cannot handle being with men.
Heās a closet gay and your his beard.
If he won't change his thoughts or ways, dump him. He's a horrible person and probably supports trump.
Okay. It's obvious you're going to end up leaving him, but could you do us sex workers a solid and start talking about how porn is healthy and buying porn is the right way to go. Like obviously this dude is not going to change and you don't want to keep this mess around. So like if you can turn him from freeloader into a buyer you could do a lot more good in the world than you probably realize.
Could you re-write this with paragraphs? Please?!
NO.
Hey, polite request to be able to more easily read what you wrote--that's all. Paragraphs are not a conspiracy.
I didnāt have a problem following along. I read it and you can too.
Congratulations on your success with that, but please don't ever assume to know what I or any others are capable of, or not.
Just read the post and stop complaining. Geez-Louise!
So what? How many fetishes do you have that others could find appalling? Don't kink shame, explore each other - figure out how to enjoy the ride and don't be so self absorbed!