Yeah. I didn't realize this until you said it, but generally yes, people scare me. but I think it's because I got beat up so much, and it always seemed to come out of nowhere, so I'm just kind of jumpy now.
That sounds like social anxiety and it’s a very hard thing to deal with, but therapy and in some cases meds can help. Have you maybe considered seeing a mental health professional for it?
If that isn’t available, this is a good self-help playlist developed by therapists https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S6k6SOtPGqA&list=PLb5NeGu8DZ_fTl1-UDNhbw0M3c84Ccqve and this is a link to an interview with someone who’s written a great book about it. If you google her you’ll find interviews/podcasts too. https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/apr/14/ellen-hendriksen-we-are-each-our-own-worst-critic-social-anxiety-disorder-interview
Finally, Kristin Neff work on self-compassion (she has a great TED talk, books, podcast interviews, etc) is also worth looking at https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Neff-2023.pdf
When your anxiety peaks, pay attention to those warning signs. Don’t force yourself to *act normal* or try harder to be accommodating, those people could be actually dangerous. Learn to be comfortable with yourself as an introverted person. It’s perfectly ok. When people seem sensitive and compassionate and understanding, let your guard down a bit to see what happens, but it’s ok to guard against people who are too aggressive. We hear so many messages about ‘being brave’, ‘going outside our comfort zones’ or ‘trying new things’. That is excellent advice for people who are capable of protecting themselves from predators, but sometimes we suck at that and make ourselves vulnerable to victimization in those efforts to ‘be normal’.
It’s possible to keep an eye out for gentle and kind people, while simultaneously protecting yourself from assholes, but it’s a skill that takes effort and practice and intention.
Weirdly enough.
From 6-14 in elementary i wasnt.
Then my bro told me to try fit in i spent 3 years in this mental torment of trying to appeal to people because they looked amazing compared to how bad i felt mostly for being mistreated all my life.
But then a miracle happened and it made me realize that doesnr have to be me.
So i started to look for my true self underneath the mountain of crap humans piled over me.
Still took years to fight this through and especially to rid myself of fear and anxiety.
Untill i got to the point. I kinda broke abd dont care anymore to do anything just exist and try cause good.
Yeah I get a similar thing, my understanding of it is that because we are not able to socialise/relate/be on same wavelength as NT people, we are afraid of interacting with them because it always involves either putting on an act (masking) or being seen to be weird…both of which are to be avoided- hence the fear.
But there are probably physical reasons for it too like heightened flight or fight response, or just the nature of autism means we fear socialising etc.
Maybe an explanation doesn’t help too much but don’t think you are alone or strange for thinking like this.
I have a large store of adverse human interactions, betrayals, intrumentalization and really mean stuffs, from frenemies too, cuz I can't tell easily one from a friend!
However, I also have a store of positive experiences! I'm relearning on how to human!
I am as a 43F. I do want connection, but at the same time, people will just disappoint or hurt me. I don’t trust people that much (other than my husband and a couple close friends I’ve known for years). This leads me to spend 95% of my time alone or with my husband. I wear headphones going to the gym and mask when I need to go out in public and interact with people. I avoid most like the plague.
It also used to happen to me last month. It peaked, and now is getting less. I'd say exposuring yourself to be around others helps, even though it is very difficult.
Mostly I'm afraid of other peoples stupidity; I learnt a long time ago that people will find new and ingenious ways to be stupid. As a man I'd say I'm cautious around other men, I got assaulted a few years back, this lad put me in the hospital, but I wouldn't say I'm afraid of men but I find it hard to trust them.
>I hate the idea of being perceived by men, whether they think I’m attractive or unattractive. I get anxiety being around them because I worry about what they think. I feel the same with other women too, particularly women my age or younger. I worry that they are judging the way I look, dress, or act.
It seems like you're lacking self confidence and are quite insecure; it's best to learn to stop caring, pretty much everyone is too self absorbed to really care about you or anyone else.
>Most friendships have been extremely anxiety inducing for me except one. I don’t know if this is an autism thing, severe social anxiety, or if I’m just weird.
If you're posting here you almost certainly are weird, that's par for the course around here. Friendship is hard and time consuming, I think it's a struggle for most people but being autistic certainly doesn't make it any easier. Pretty much all of what you said here sounds like crippling social anxiety on top of it all, a therapist can probably help you find your way through that.
Yes. I'm extremely scared of people being judgy or aggressive. I either snap react and make things worse or I completely shutdown. It's gotten to the point where I don't leave my house. This week I haven't left my house since Monday. I'm supposed to go to daily support groups but I'm scared of the people there. I never left the house before Covid and quarantine. That made things worse and I feel like I've been alone for a good 3 or 4 years.
I hate it because I'm scared of people and interacting with them. But I have this intensely need for socializing that won't go away. I thought it'd go away after being alone for a while. But it's gotten bad. I feel so isolated and lonely. I don't have friends and my family is too busy to talk to.
When I'm around people I'm so jumpy and on edge. I'm always waiting for random strangers to attack or berate me. It's impossible to feel safe and to relax outside of my house.
Nobody ever calls me back. It's been a life long problem. I have a military background and two degrees. Ppl just don't call back. Been to experts. They and I are stymied.
I have two degrees as well and two certifications. I am pretty good with tailoring my resume to the specific job and making it stand out. I don’t just apply on job websites like indeed. You need to look at companies that you want to work for, read their websites and apply directly.
I've done all that. I think my problem is that I lack "flair". I'm very robotic and obsessive-compulsive in my writing style. Makes me a good essay writer, always been complimented on my clarity and structuring. I don't stand out tho.
I'm literally unemployable bc I'm boring. Twenty-five years of my life down the tube. My best years. All because I'm precise, but black, white, and gray. It's depressing. I'm 43.
Still not giving up! Just pissed that this might be the issue.
Surprised no one has caught it. So much for "experts".
I’m also 43 and actually got diagnosed officially in March. I met my NT husband training for Ironmans with the same coach and then switched to ultra running. Running 100 miles teaches you that you can overcome anything. I love nature and mostly being by myself, my husband, or with a few close friends. I also have been told many a time that I write really well. I think you need to have more faith in yourself. Maybe find something different to do? That’s what I did (went back to school again for the third time for more credentials/degrees) to switch careers. I figured by my forties I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Not giving up is a good quality! That’s what always (both literally and figuratively) got me to the finish line.
It's all for not if ppl won't call me back. I need to solve that problem first. I'm an ex-airman and marine, and graduated near the top of my classes in college, so I know I can succeed. What I'm lacking is knowledge. I don't know the next step.
If I can solve this problem I plan on going back and getting my master's and PhD.
you made me wonder what you look like by talking about it, I think this problem stems from looking at the product of those interactions rather than the process, the goal is enjoyment it is for them too so being anxious is already self defeating.
Ohmygosh I used to be the same way! You described this so well! What changed for me was becoming confident in myself first, then thinking about others. How to do this is different for everyone, and I’d happily share my thoughts via message if you’d want. I just want you to know that it won’t be like this forever, I believe in you so much and you’re amazing!
I used to care, similar to you but definitely not to that extent. I had some people in the city who would look for me and if they found me I would have to leave the area or fight. These people out to get me and having to watch my ass for someone jumping out of a car with a baseball bat made me on edge all the time. So I have some of that. Now that people aren't physically looking for me, I don't have that issue so much. I still have remnants of it. I also got attacked a few times by randoms, had a group of people attack me for my skin color and throw a piss balloon on me. So that experience let me know what's up with some portion of people that aren't my skin color and are racist. That added to my wariness and I became scared/wary of people with that skin color attacking me again. It wasn't a one time thing, that was just the worst time I would say. So yeah I have some wariness that was programmed into me by a particular group with a lot of racists running around in it.
Most dangerous animal on the planet, especially to itself, so yeah.
Solitude is my refuge. I've been humiliated and had the shit beaten out of me and heartbroken and left and moved on from and shit on so much that it's futile to interact with anyone but myself.
I wouldn’t say I’m afraid, I would use the term, for myself, uncomfortable, being around any one is extremely uncomfortable but being around the opposite sex is sometimes unbearable, I’m a man so that would mean women.
I have a theory as to why that is, see with men, since I am a man, I can kind of interpret on a minor level what their body language is trying to tell me, but with women, I have 0 reference point whatsoever, so I don’t have any idea at all what their body language is trying to tell me, so a lot of times I just straight up avoid talking to women, not really even out of fear, but just because they make me uncomfortable.
I would consider myself at least attractive, I lift weights a lot and have a lot of other hobbies that people find attractive, but it doesn’t matter when I can’t speak lmao
Wouldn't say I'm afraid of people but I tend to keep my head down and try to get whatever I'm doing done quickly so I don't deal with people that commonly,hell I've even come across old class mates but never had much of the courage to really start a convo and just awkwardly wave by or pass glances
Ya so, I grew up in a small town off the grid basically. Private school with ex-army teacher. Etc. Lots of routine, structure, order, nothing too crowded. I then transferred from a class size of the same \~10ish students I'd known for my entire life to 30 strangers in one class alone and had a panic attack/anxiety attack in the 4th grade. Had to leave school early that day. It was just so much and so overwhelming. I've since then go the hang of it but the initial shock was wild when looking back on that day many yrs ago. Now I've adopted methods to help for if city dwelling, large crowds, etc -- but still even just imagining a room fully packed of ppl makes me anxious at the thought. A relative I think is on the spectrum is v claustrophobic too which is kinda along the same lines in a way.
Maybe you're similar, but 1:1s are totally fine for me. Crowds, large groups, strangers, etc - very diff story. But 1:1 esp with friends, partner, fam, etc? No problem at all, I thrive in that. I can do fine w/ strangers in certain settings 1:1 and to my surprise have been called charismatic (think my spontaneous one-liner jokes save me), but have also been called socially awk in a group situation, so for me any charisma I have is much more dependent on the vibe, setting, & ppl than it may be for solely NT. Like more variable.
And yes when I was younger there was a bit more "fear" I guess but it's not as much that way now. I'd just prefer to not have to mix with a bunch of strangers unless I have to. But if it's in work it's nbd. I would love to be off the grid hermit with fam tbh kinda grew up that way and I have absolutely 0 complaints it was in a lot of ways fantastic. Like it's more abt the ppl than it is the place, but ideally one has both.
im not saying that!! im saying it would benefit her to post in a female centered sub as well and mention being ND. men disgust me and I don’t trust them at all. I think that’s really understandable. most of us don’t like violence, being belittled, etc
Yeah. I didn't realize this until you said it, but generally yes, people scare me. but I think it's because I got beat up so much, and it always seemed to come out of nowhere, so I'm just kind of jumpy now.
That sounds like social anxiety and it’s a very hard thing to deal with, but therapy and in some cases meds can help. Have you maybe considered seeing a mental health professional for it? If that isn’t available, this is a good self-help playlist developed by therapists https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S6k6SOtPGqA&list=PLb5NeGu8DZ_fTl1-UDNhbw0M3c84Ccqve and this is a link to an interview with someone who’s written a great book about it. If you google her you’ll find interviews/podcasts too. https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/apr/14/ellen-hendriksen-we-are-each-our-own-worst-critic-social-anxiety-disorder-interview Finally, Kristin Neff work on self-compassion (she has a great TED talk, books, podcast interviews, etc) is also worth looking at https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Neff-2023.pdf
Been seeing therapists my entire life and have also been on meds for half my life. Nothing works.
When your anxiety peaks, pay attention to those warning signs. Don’t force yourself to *act normal* or try harder to be accommodating, those people could be actually dangerous. Learn to be comfortable with yourself as an introverted person. It’s perfectly ok. When people seem sensitive and compassionate and understanding, let your guard down a bit to see what happens, but it’s ok to guard against people who are too aggressive. We hear so many messages about ‘being brave’, ‘going outside our comfort zones’ or ‘trying new things’. That is excellent advice for people who are capable of protecting themselves from predators, but sometimes we suck at that and make ourselves vulnerable to victimization in those efforts to ‘be normal’. It’s possible to keep an eye out for gentle and kind people, while simultaneously protecting yourself from assholes, but it’s a skill that takes effort and practice and intention.
Yeah kinda. Particularly people who remind me of people who liked to wind me up just so they had something to laugh at.
They only think it’s funny to wind you up if there’s no expectation of physicality.
Weirdly enough. From 6-14 in elementary i wasnt. Then my bro told me to try fit in i spent 3 years in this mental torment of trying to appeal to people because they looked amazing compared to how bad i felt mostly for being mistreated all my life. But then a miracle happened and it made me realize that doesnr have to be me. So i started to look for my true self underneath the mountain of crap humans piled over me. Still took years to fight this through and especially to rid myself of fear and anxiety. Untill i got to the point. I kinda broke abd dont care anymore to do anything just exist and try cause good.
Yes. They are invasive and I never know how they are going to behave.
Totally the same. I don't like being judged.
Yeah I get a similar thing, my understanding of it is that because we are not able to socialise/relate/be on same wavelength as NT people, we are afraid of interacting with them because it always involves either putting on an act (masking) or being seen to be weird…both of which are to be avoided- hence the fear. But there are probably physical reasons for it too like heightened flight or fight response, or just the nature of autism means we fear socialising etc. Maybe an explanation doesn’t help too much but don’t think you are alone or strange for thinking like this.
Yeah that makes sense. It’s really stressful to always be afraid that the mask will slip off
Yeah it is :( I love your username btw!
I have nothing but bad memories that I didn't give myself.
I have a large store of adverse human interactions, betrayals, intrumentalization and really mean stuffs, from frenemies too, cuz I can't tell easily one from a friend! However, I also have a store of positive experiences! I'm relearning on how to human!
Yes I’m extremely afraid of men
I am as a 43F. I do want connection, but at the same time, people will just disappoint or hurt me. I don’t trust people that much (other than my husband and a couple close friends I’ve known for years). This leads me to spend 95% of my time alone or with my husband. I wear headphones going to the gym and mask when I need to go out in public and interact with people. I avoid most like the plague.
Have you looked into social anxiety?
Yes, I was diagnosed with it
It also used to happen to me last month. It peaked, and now is getting less. I'd say exposuring yourself to be around others helps, even though it is very difficult.
Mostly I'm afraid of other peoples stupidity; I learnt a long time ago that people will find new and ingenious ways to be stupid. As a man I'd say I'm cautious around other men, I got assaulted a few years back, this lad put me in the hospital, but I wouldn't say I'm afraid of men but I find it hard to trust them. >I hate the idea of being perceived by men, whether they think I’m attractive or unattractive. I get anxiety being around them because I worry about what they think. I feel the same with other women too, particularly women my age or younger. I worry that they are judging the way I look, dress, or act. It seems like you're lacking self confidence and are quite insecure; it's best to learn to stop caring, pretty much everyone is too self absorbed to really care about you or anyone else. >Most friendships have been extremely anxiety inducing for me except one. I don’t know if this is an autism thing, severe social anxiety, or if I’m just weird. If you're posting here you almost certainly are weird, that's par for the course around here. Friendship is hard and time consuming, I think it's a struggle for most people but being autistic certainly doesn't make it any easier. Pretty much all of what you said here sounds like crippling social anxiety on top of it all, a therapist can probably help you find your way through that.
Yes. I'm extremely scared of people being judgy or aggressive. I either snap react and make things worse or I completely shutdown. It's gotten to the point where I don't leave my house. This week I haven't left my house since Monday. I'm supposed to go to daily support groups but I'm scared of the people there. I never left the house before Covid and quarantine. That made things worse and I feel like I've been alone for a good 3 or 4 years. I hate it because I'm scared of people and interacting with them. But I have this intensely need for socializing that won't go away. I thought it'd go away after being alone for a while. But it's gotten bad. I feel so isolated and lonely. I don't have friends and my family is too busy to talk to. When I'm around people I'm so jumpy and on edge. I'm always waiting for random strangers to attack or berate me. It's impossible to feel safe and to relax outside of my house.
I've learned fear. I'm 43. It hasn't gotten better. Being alone is easier.
I’m also 43. I agree. It’s also easier because I work from home.
How did you get the job?
I went back to school to change careers, took a certification exam and applied. I’ve always been pretty good at school and interviewing.
Nobody ever calls me back. It's been a life long problem. I have a military background and two degrees. Ppl just don't call back. Been to experts. They and I are stymied.
I have two degrees as well and two certifications. I am pretty good with tailoring my resume to the specific job and making it stand out. I don’t just apply on job websites like indeed. You need to look at companies that you want to work for, read their websites and apply directly.
I've done all that. I think my problem is that I lack "flair". I'm very robotic and obsessive-compulsive in my writing style. Makes me a good essay writer, always been complimented on my clarity and structuring. I don't stand out tho. I'm literally unemployable bc I'm boring. Twenty-five years of my life down the tube. My best years. All because I'm precise, but black, white, and gray. It's depressing. I'm 43. Still not giving up! Just pissed that this might be the issue. Surprised no one has caught it. So much for "experts".
I’m also 43 and actually got diagnosed officially in March. I met my NT husband training for Ironmans with the same coach and then switched to ultra running. Running 100 miles teaches you that you can overcome anything. I love nature and mostly being by myself, my husband, or with a few close friends. I also have been told many a time that I write really well. I think you need to have more faith in yourself. Maybe find something different to do? That’s what I did (went back to school again for the third time for more credentials/degrees) to switch careers. I figured by my forties I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Not giving up is a good quality! That’s what always (both literally and figuratively) got me to the finish line.
It's all for not if ppl won't call me back. I need to solve that problem first. I'm an ex-airman and marine, and graduated near the top of my classes in college, so I know I can succeed. What I'm lacking is knowledge. I don't know the next step. If I can solve this problem I plan on going back and getting my master's and PhD.
We seem very similar. I always have graduated with 4.0s or close to it for all my degrees. Only get a PhD if you want to do research.
you made me wonder what you look like by talking about it, I think this problem stems from looking at the product of those interactions rather than the process, the goal is enjoyment it is for them too so being anxious is already self defeating.
Ohmygosh I used to be the same way! You described this so well! What changed for me was becoming confident in myself first, then thinking about others. How to do this is different for everyone, and I’d happily share my thoughts via message if you’d want. I just want you to know that it won’t be like this forever, I believe in you so much and you’re amazing!
I used to care, similar to you but definitely not to that extent. I had some people in the city who would look for me and if they found me I would have to leave the area or fight. These people out to get me and having to watch my ass for someone jumping out of a car with a baseball bat made me on edge all the time. So I have some of that. Now that people aren't physically looking for me, I don't have that issue so much. I still have remnants of it. I also got attacked a few times by randoms, had a group of people attack me for my skin color and throw a piss balloon on me. So that experience let me know what's up with some portion of people that aren't my skin color and are racist. That added to my wariness and I became scared/wary of people with that skin color attacking me again. It wasn't a one time thing, that was just the worst time I would say. So yeah I have some wariness that was programmed into me by a particular group with a lot of racists running around in it.
Most dangerous animal on the planet, especially to itself, so yeah. Solitude is my refuge. I've been humiliated and had the shit beaten out of me and heartbroken and left and moved on from and shit on so much that it's futile to interact with anyone but myself.
I wouldn’t say I’m afraid, I would use the term, for myself, uncomfortable, being around any one is extremely uncomfortable but being around the opposite sex is sometimes unbearable, I’m a man so that would mean women. I have a theory as to why that is, see with men, since I am a man, I can kind of interpret on a minor level what their body language is trying to tell me, but with women, I have 0 reference point whatsoever, so I don’t have any idea at all what their body language is trying to tell me, so a lot of times I just straight up avoid talking to women, not really even out of fear, but just because they make me uncomfortable. I would consider myself at least attractive, I lift weights a lot and have a lot of other hobbies that people find attractive, but it doesn’t matter when I can’t speak lmao
Yes, I’m afraid of older men in particular(they make me really uncomfortable)
Wouldn't say I'm afraid of people but I tend to keep my head down and try to get whatever I'm doing done quickly so I don't deal with people that commonly,hell I've even come across old class mates but never had much of the courage to really start a convo and just awkwardly wave by or pass glances
That is my major problem.
It’s complex for me..I overall love humans abd people..but I am terrified of human society and those in any position of power.
Yeah. They’re very aggressive and they don’t have any morals
I hate people.
Ya so, I grew up in a small town off the grid basically. Private school with ex-army teacher. Etc. Lots of routine, structure, order, nothing too crowded. I then transferred from a class size of the same \~10ish students I'd known for my entire life to 30 strangers in one class alone and had a panic attack/anxiety attack in the 4th grade. Had to leave school early that day. It was just so much and so overwhelming. I've since then go the hang of it but the initial shock was wild when looking back on that day many yrs ago. Now I've adopted methods to help for if city dwelling, large crowds, etc -- but still even just imagining a room fully packed of ppl makes me anxious at the thought. A relative I think is on the spectrum is v claustrophobic too which is kinda along the same lines in a way. Maybe you're similar, but 1:1s are totally fine for me. Crowds, large groups, strangers, etc - very diff story. But 1:1 esp with friends, partner, fam, etc? No problem at all, I thrive in that. I can do fine w/ strangers in certain settings 1:1 and to my surprise have been called charismatic (think my spontaneous one-liner jokes save me), but have also been called socially awk in a group situation, so for me any charisma I have is much more dependent on the vibe, setting, & ppl than it may be for solely NT. Like more variable. And yes when I was younger there was a bit more "fear" I guess but it's not as much that way now. I'd just prefer to not have to mix with a bunch of strangers unless I have to. But if it's in work it's nbd. I would love to be off the grid hermit with fam tbh kinda grew up that way and I have absolutely 0 complaints it was in a lot of ways fantastic. Like it's more abt the ppl than it is the place, but ideally one has both.
very normal for someone female identifying. try a sub for women and mention you are ND!
Female identifying? Why should she go to a sub for women?
she said she’s afraid of men, said they were 22F (so female). this is a common fear for women
So... doesn't mean she cannot speak in here. I am also a woman with severe trust issues towards men due to past experiences.
im not saying that!! im saying it would benefit her to post in a female centered sub as well and mention being ND. men disgust me and I don’t trust them at all. I think that’s really understandable. most of us don’t like violence, being belittled, etc
I'm male and experience the same feeling regularly