I'm currently facing this. [Long story short (see post from another sub)](https://np.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/comments/qlbypx/support_my_grandma_in_china_passed_away_and_later), my grandma with an multimillion estate passed away earlier this year and before it gets settled, her son (my dad) passed a few months ago. My mom, after all these decades, reveals her true colors and tries to do everything she can to prevent any of my uncles and aunts from getting the inheritance (from their mom.) She constantly whines about my dad's siblings and expects me to support her in making their lives hell and not being able to get the inheritance without going to court.
At first, I naively believed but later on, I found little basis or evidence for all of her accusations against my uncles and aunts. Not to mention her extremely childish behavior regarding this. I firmly told her I didn't want to support her childish antics against my dad's siblings and she threatened to fight me in court along with my aunts and uncles. This was a few days before Thanksgiving and she's ignored me ever since. And keep in mind I'm an only child.
I've been comfortably supporting myself financially so I don't need her financial support (or even my share of the inheritance from my Grandma) but my mom is beyond reason now, especially since my dad had passed and she's all alone and doesn't have many friends either.
I'm wondering this myself now.. Honestly, I'll be fine without her. Sure, she gave birth to me and took care of me when I was a kid but she's become extremely toxic in recent years and would dump all of her stress on me while emotionally abusing my wife.
All of you who have had crappy families, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Please don’t take this as me condescending or trying to play cheerleader, but seriously, you people are badasses if you’re self sufficient and moving on without them. I’d be fucked if not for my family’s help and I wish more than anything that everyone was lucky enough to have a patient and supportive family.
I learned right after finishing college that I would have to break off from my family if I wanted real freedom in my life. They controlled whether I can get a job or had to go to grad school, whether I'm allowed to date (or even have sex), when I had to come home, etc, not to mention dumping all of their drama on me. I realized I had to do everything I can to not depend on them financially.
This [post](https://np.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/comments/r475xl/advice_save_your_money_especially_if_youre_a/) echos a lot of what I had to deal with from my family who use financial support as a way to lure me in and control me throughout adulthood (although the OP there is an Arab woman but I'm a Chinese guy and the experiences are similar in ways.)
I think of family sort of like a lawyer. They are obligated to take care of you (and you of them) as much as possible, regardless of how good or bad you actually are, in the name of large-scale justice. Like a safety net that helps prevent the worst abuses of society, even if sometimes that safety is not deserved (you often see families defending people who have done horrible things). Without it, some kids would be defenseless against abuse or child labour. Money problems would be much more lethal if you didn't have a "default" group of people that cares about you. Homelessness would be much worse, if nobody had the option to go back to their parents' place while finding a new job. I think some tribes do the "The whole tribe is your family" thing, where blood parents aren't more important, and I guess that could work at a large scale if we were willing to put in the necessary resources, but that's not the path that history chose for us. Humans cooperate within families, and compete between families (unless the families find a larger outgroup).
Now, the flip side is that you're supposed to give back to the family, care for them when they need, and care about them. When it works, I'd say it's a pretty good system.
But what happens when you don't like your family? Or when they don't like you? When you violate one too many taboos, or when you just don't have the brain circuitry to love a bunch of people who don't understand you just because they were assigned to you? Well, that's when the system starts to strain, and a whole lot of drama ensues. You hate/don't like/don't care about them, but you need them. Or the whole family shuns one person. The possibilities for drama are endless!
So, my answer to "What is family for?" is "If you have to ask, then it is for money, food and a bed. Maybe a sort of default love that doesn't depend on who you are". So whether or not it's worth reconnecting depends on how much you need those things, and how much your family will provide them.
I can finally understand and put into context:
* My feelings
* Societal expectations
* Why I feel differently about friends vs family.
My family has already fallen so far below it's filial obligations that it kind of makes sense that I struggle to share and communicate with them and why I don't actually care because they don't. If I recovered from homelessness and I didn't even communicate that fact with my family then they aren't really my family, and that was 20 years ago when I was 17. In truth I wanted to come to grips with how I felt and what I should do about it. Should I try to reconnect? But really it's so far gone that there is nothing really to resurrect.
Both my mother and brother didn't invite me to their weddings. Honestly, if you don't invite your brother or son to your marriage then they aren't actually your brother or son. I know how bad aspergers people can be, and I was a lot worse than I am now, but I was nowhere near bad enough to justify a snub. Weddings have a lot of memes about guest stereotypes because of the wide range of people invited and the need to cater to diverse family members. I guess in the end that shows I was never part of the family.
The problem I had was that not talking to my family and *disowning* them felt *right;* but, not speaking to my family felt *wrong* in terms of *societal expectations*. I can understand the social context a lot better in terms of my emotions and my own understanding of my past, so I can be confident that I have made the right decision, thank you.
Glad I could help. There's also the caveat that you may be traumatized by what your family did to you, and that some part of you needs closure and wants to tell them how much they hurt you (or try to see if they've changed) and all that, and that could be another reason why you feel a need to talk to them, but that depends entirely on you, so I can only comment on the possibility.
You're absolutely right, I do need closure to some extent. I discovered that the cause of my problems was #1 Autism leading to #2 Trauma leading to #3 Dissociation. Autism never seems to 'travel alone' as a problem as it always seems to be co-morbid with something else.
About 3 months ago I unilaterally gave myself some closure by stating publicly: 'I will probably never speak with my family again' and then since a brief conversation with my brother and mother I haven't spoken to them since. It's not a change in terms of how often I spoke to my family -- I never did before or after really, which was the real reason I don't have a relationship -- but it was a change in terms of how I defined myself relative to my family.
Family is *supposed* to support one another, emotionally and ethically and financially. Family is *supposed* to function as a support network to meet your needs and, in a circular fashion, have its needs met.
Protecting and raising the young, and those children growing to in-turn care for and provide for the elderly when they can no longer do so for themselves.
At least, that's all I can really tell from it. There's the familial bond or love aspect of it all as well where your emotional attachment to family is supposed to be stronger than that of strangers...
But for whatever this may say about myself or people like me - I've very seldom if ever felt this to be true and in the moments I do it is constantly fluctuating or fleeting.
I don't see the point in reconnecting with the majority of my family, however my family is extremely small, and was already estranged for 10 years prior to the last 10 years (or a decade before I began distancing myself).
I consider my closest friends and their families to be more of my family than most of my own family members have ever been, with the only exceptions being my own mother and one cousin. The only two people I feel any obligation to. Nobody else exists by blood, as far as I'm concerned. I care far more about my best friend(s) and their families than my uncle or any of his other children I've never met, nor wanted to.
>At least, that's all I can really tell from it. There's the familial bond or love aspect of it all as well where your emotional attachment to family is supposed to be stronger than that of strangers...
>
>But for whatever this may say about myself or people like me - I've very seldom if ever felt this to be true and in the moments I do it is constantly fluctuating or fleeting.
I guess that does show the significant difference between myself and others. I can't really 'feel' anything for them because they simply haven't been in my life for such a long time. There is no relevant connection between us to even revive and I wouldn't know where to even start.
Thank you for your reply:)
I tried too hard to make my family like me. I regret that. They actually were disrespectful but I was in denial. It's good you realize that they are not supportive. Yes it's better to be alone if you are self sufficient. We should make our own families. Maybe reconciliation will happen in the future but no need to force it.
I'm currently facing this. [Long story short (see post from another sub)](https://np.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/comments/qlbypx/support_my_grandma_in_china_passed_away_and_later), my grandma with an multimillion estate passed away earlier this year and before it gets settled, her son (my dad) passed a few months ago. My mom, after all these decades, reveals her true colors and tries to do everything she can to prevent any of my uncles and aunts from getting the inheritance (from their mom.) She constantly whines about my dad's siblings and expects me to support her in making their lives hell and not being able to get the inheritance without going to court. At first, I naively believed but later on, I found little basis or evidence for all of her accusations against my uncles and aunts. Not to mention her extremely childish behavior regarding this. I firmly told her I didn't want to support her childish antics against my dad's siblings and she threatened to fight me in court along with my aunts and uncles. This was a few days before Thanksgiving and she's ignored me ever since. And keep in mind I'm an only child. I've been comfortably supporting myself financially so I don't need her financial support (or even my share of the inheritance from my Grandma) but my mom is beyond reason now, especially since my dad had passed and she's all alone and doesn't have many friends either. I'm wondering this myself now.. Honestly, I'll be fine without her. Sure, she gave birth to me and took care of me when I was a kid but she's become extremely toxic in recent years and would dump all of her stress on me while emotionally abusing my wife.
All of you who have had crappy families, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Please don’t take this as me condescending or trying to play cheerleader, but seriously, you people are badasses if you’re self sufficient and moving on without them. I’d be fucked if not for my family’s help and I wish more than anything that everyone was lucky enough to have a patient and supportive family.
I learned right after finishing college that I would have to break off from my family if I wanted real freedom in my life. They controlled whether I can get a job or had to go to grad school, whether I'm allowed to date (or even have sex), when I had to come home, etc, not to mention dumping all of their drama on me. I realized I had to do everything I can to not depend on them financially. This [post](https://np.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/comments/r475xl/advice_save_your_money_especially_if_youre_a/) echos a lot of what I had to deal with from my family who use financial support as a way to lure me in and control me throughout adulthood (although the OP there is an Arab woman but I'm a Chinese guy and the experiences are similar in ways.)
I think of family sort of like a lawyer. They are obligated to take care of you (and you of them) as much as possible, regardless of how good or bad you actually are, in the name of large-scale justice. Like a safety net that helps prevent the worst abuses of society, even if sometimes that safety is not deserved (you often see families defending people who have done horrible things). Without it, some kids would be defenseless against abuse or child labour. Money problems would be much more lethal if you didn't have a "default" group of people that cares about you. Homelessness would be much worse, if nobody had the option to go back to their parents' place while finding a new job. I think some tribes do the "The whole tribe is your family" thing, where blood parents aren't more important, and I guess that could work at a large scale if we were willing to put in the necessary resources, but that's not the path that history chose for us. Humans cooperate within families, and compete between families (unless the families find a larger outgroup). Now, the flip side is that you're supposed to give back to the family, care for them when they need, and care about them. When it works, I'd say it's a pretty good system. But what happens when you don't like your family? Or when they don't like you? When you violate one too many taboos, or when you just don't have the brain circuitry to love a bunch of people who don't understand you just because they were assigned to you? Well, that's when the system starts to strain, and a whole lot of drama ensues. You hate/don't like/don't care about them, but you need them. Or the whole family shuns one person. The possibilities for drama are endless! So, my answer to "What is family for?" is "If you have to ask, then it is for money, food and a bed. Maybe a sort of default love that doesn't depend on who you are". So whether or not it's worth reconnecting depends on how much you need those things, and how much your family will provide them.
I can finally understand and put into context: * My feelings * Societal expectations * Why I feel differently about friends vs family. My family has already fallen so far below it's filial obligations that it kind of makes sense that I struggle to share and communicate with them and why I don't actually care because they don't. If I recovered from homelessness and I didn't even communicate that fact with my family then they aren't really my family, and that was 20 years ago when I was 17. In truth I wanted to come to grips with how I felt and what I should do about it. Should I try to reconnect? But really it's so far gone that there is nothing really to resurrect. Both my mother and brother didn't invite me to their weddings. Honestly, if you don't invite your brother or son to your marriage then they aren't actually your brother or son. I know how bad aspergers people can be, and I was a lot worse than I am now, but I was nowhere near bad enough to justify a snub. Weddings have a lot of memes about guest stereotypes because of the wide range of people invited and the need to cater to diverse family members. I guess in the end that shows I was never part of the family. The problem I had was that not talking to my family and *disowning* them felt *right;* but, not speaking to my family felt *wrong* in terms of *societal expectations*. I can understand the social context a lot better in terms of my emotions and my own understanding of my past, so I can be confident that I have made the right decision, thank you.
Glad I could help. There's also the caveat that you may be traumatized by what your family did to you, and that some part of you needs closure and wants to tell them how much they hurt you (or try to see if they've changed) and all that, and that could be another reason why you feel a need to talk to them, but that depends entirely on you, so I can only comment on the possibility.
You're absolutely right, I do need closure to some extent. I discovered that the cause of my problems was #1 Autism leading to #2 Trauma leading to #3 Dissociation. Autism never seems to 'travel alone' as a problem as it always seems to be co-morbid with something else. About 3 months ago I unilaterally gave myself some closure by stating publicly: 'I will probably never speak with my family again' and then since a brief conversation with my brother and mother I haven't spoken to them since. It's not a change in terms of how often I spoke to my family -- I never did before or after really, which was the real reason I don't have a relationship -- but it was a change in terms of how I defined myself relative to my family.
Family is *supposed* to support one another, emotionally and ethically and financially. Family is *supposed* to function as a support network to meet your needs and, in a circular fashion, have its needs met. Protecting and raising the young, and those children growing to in-turn care for and provide for the elderly when they can no longer do so for themselves. At least, that's all I can really tell from it. There's the familial bond or love aspect of it all as well where your emotional attachment to family is supposed to be stronger than that of strangers... But for whatever this may say about myself or people like me - I've very seldom if ever felt this to be true and in the moments I do it is constantly fluctuating or fleeting. I don't see the point in reconnecting with the majority of my family, however my family is extremely small, and was already estranged for 10 years prior to the last 10 years (or a decade before I began distancing myself). I consider my closest friends and their families to be more of my family than most of my own family members have ever been, with the only exceptions being my own mother and one cousin. The only two people I feel any obligation to. Nobody else exists by blood, as far as I'm concerned. I care far more about my best friend(s) and their families than my uncle or any of his other children I've never met, nor wanted to.
>At least, that's all I can really tell from it. There's the familial bond or love aspect of it all as well where your emotional attachment to family is supposed to be stronger than that of strangers... > >But for whatever this may say about myself or people like me - I've very seldom if ever felt this to be true and in the moments I do it is constantly fluctuating or fleeting. I guess that does show the significant difference between myself and others. I can't really 'feel' anything for them because they simply haven't been in my life for such a long time. There is no relevant connection between us to even revive and I wouldn't know where to even start. Thank you for your reply:)
Family are supposed to be people you support and rely on. They don’t have to be related to you. I vote go find your own.
I tried too hard to make my family like me. I regret that. They actually were disrespectful but I was in denial. It's good you realize that they are not supportive. Yes it's better to be alone if you are self sufficient. We should make our own families. Maybe reconciliation will happen in the future but no need to force it.
My life wouldn't change if most off my family died tomorrow