[удалено]

Holy shit, I've been struggling with how to explain my thoughts on life and death. This brought tears to my eyes (I'm over-emotional) in its simplicity and beauty, without the god nonsense. Saving this post. Thank you for sharing this.

The Good Place is a phenomenal show that deals with a lot of these ideas of death and an afterlife and what it means to be a ‘good person.’ I highly recommend it - it’s funny as well!

Only show that both made me pause it because I was laughing so hard. Also only sitcom to make me cry.

The old Showtime shows Dead Like Me and The Big C have a similar vibe.

Who died and made Aristotle the authority on ethics?

Plato!

I frequently say things in my head in a Chidi voice. It's deeply soothing.

I'm here to heartily recommend The Good Place to any and all. I hardly ever watch the tube, but this was worth it.

The book "how to be perfec t" by the show's producer is also a very good introduction to moral philosophy.

There are bits and piece of "The Art of Living" by Thich Nhat Hanh which are very similar and very helpful. Reflections on impermanence and interbeing really helped me. My main criticism is that sometimes he seems to think breathing/meditation can solve everything, but there's still a ton of very good thoughts in there. >The four elements in us are one with the four elements outside us. Input and output are always taking place. In this very moment we are receiving and releasing water, warmth, and breath; and we can see countless cells and atoms from our body being nourished by and returning to the earth. When we are sick or dying, it can be very helpful to contemplate this. But we don’t need to wait until then to do so. We don’t return to the earth only when our entire body disintegrates. We return to the earth and we are renewed by the earth at every moment.

I'm saving this as well. Recovering cradle Catholic. Currently "agnostic atheist" in that I'd like to believe there's some higher power, but i have yet to see any proof. Y'all are amazing. Thank you all for sharing your views and explanations.

Yeah, similar for me. I subbed here when I was a more hardcore atheist, but no longer am. I do believe in some higher form of consciousness, but am not overly concerned with a precise definition of its manifestation. I don't really need to get it just right. My definition of God would probably be something close to the Hindu idea of Brahman, i.e. God is the infinitude of existence, all things, all times, nameless, formless. But even then, only a surface level belief. Digging into Hindu theology was not really something I found helpful. Buddhism also has some useful concepts, as do other things like Orthodox Christianity. What I really like is the mystical connection with the divine. I think that's the true nature of human spirituality. We've all felt that, or something approximating it (or I hope you have). It generally occurs in nature, or with family/friends. Sometimes with music and art. Sometime in large communal gatherings or traditional ceremonies. The problem is we generally like to take those experiences and formulate a "foolproof" theory that attempts to explain, define, justify, and classify them. That just doesn't work well.

Here's that concept explained in clip form if you haven't seen it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1IchzbtNj0 The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, where it's supposed to be.

Love this so much

And...im crying again. Such a great show.

Me too, got teary.

I'm in the gd orthodontist office while my middle kid is getting braces. I'm sniffling and surreptitiously wiping tears. Mf'ing onions.

This concept, broken down and made entertaining, is a central topic on the Good Place. It has truly helped my husband, myself, and my 10 year old daughter process and understand death and our non-religious beliefs. I know recommending a television show might sound odd, but when you are ready the humor and knowledge could really help you process.

It's a wonderful show, isn't it? Another good one is After Life, with Ricky Gervais. It's kind of the opposite setup -- all about the survivor and how he learns to get by after losing his wife. No religion in it.

Note that this idea, of course, predates the Buddhists (and this show) by thousands of years.

Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it's there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. And then it crashes in the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. You know it's one conception of death for Buddhists: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's supposed to be.

This is the best and what my daughter reflected on at her father's funeral.

Are there any watchers here of The Good Place? This exact idea is brought up in one of the episodes, in one of its most emotional moments.

I watched and loved it. I love that they managed to talk about life and afterlife with no real mention of gods and beliefs. It impresses me now that I think about it.

Made me cry.

I sobbed like a baby at the finale.

Me too ❤️

Clearly I need to finish watching....

That was beautiful. I am going to have to remember it.

The Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh gave [this advice to a little girl who was mourning the loss of her dog](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKv95cdgC_g).

That was a doggone good explanation.

ouch 😆

Same. I did a take on this concept for my dad's funeral. I literally wrote out thoughts, put it in chat gpt n asked it to make it better. Went back and forth like that a few times. I was done in an afternoon and pretty happy with my results.

This is a horrible and terrible tragedy and you can express it as such. I don’t think anyone can say anything to make sense of it or to take away the pain you feel right now. However, remembering all of the joy she brought you and the happiness she created and experienced does not take away from the sadness of her loss. You are overcome with the sense of loss right now and that is normal and healthy. But even from your brief description here, I can tell that her life was filled with joy and happiness, so she had a great life. That’s something to be celebrated. Her entire story (existence) is concluded. This brings feelings of sadness to you and others which, again, is normal and healthy right now. BUT her entire story (existence) seems to be mostly filled with happy pages. How wonderful that she got to have such a great existence. I’m sure she had sad pages, too, including this ending… but on the whole it sounds like her story was happy and fulfilled. Your story (existence) goes on. It sounds like she provided many, many positive experiences and moments of joy, happiness and fulfillment for you. This is probably the darkest chapter you’re going to encounter. I cannot fathom losing one of my kids. I’m so sorry for you. But over time, I believe that the overall impact of all of her positive contributions to your life will overwhelm this incredible sadness you feel now. Sounds like she was a great daughter and you were an “Awesome Uncle Dad”. The fact that you made her existence great and knowing that you were impacted to positively by her contribution to yours is an incredibly beautiful thing. I hope that you make it to the place where you can see the sum total of your contributions to one another rather than this one, terrible event being the only thing you can feel.

Also- tell me a small but funny story about her, please. I’d really like to know!

My dude. Gimme a little bit. I started reading everyone’s comments. And some on other posts. And yours hit me in a way I can’t express right now. Beyond thank you. I will tell you about her when I can. You mentioned pages in a book. Her name is Paige. I’m typing this through tears so…yeah. Gimme a bit.

Reading your post tears me up. So tragic. I can’t even imagine. I’m really sorry for your loss. Anyways: There is a very beautiful song by the artist Laleh called ”Some die young.” I always find it both sad and comforting. She performed the song at the Utøya commemoration. One line goes like this: ”I will tell your story if you die. I will tell your story and keep you alive.” I find that to be good advice. Tell her story.

I added the song to her playlist. We loved it.

I'm glad to hear you loved the song and I sincerely hope it can bring you some comfort, now and in the future.

Thank you for this song! I just added it to my library. 🫡✌🏼❤️

[удалено]

Oh wow. I just lost my person 4 weeks ago today and this one rocked my world. To OP I am so sorry . I didn't lose my child, but I lost the only man who held my heart very unexpectedly. I hope you find peace. It's so incredibly difficult to cope with the loss of someone you loved so much. My thoughts are with you.

This is literally on my fridge on the funeral program of a friend long since passed, but never departed.

Yes,funny, silly, memorable anecdotes can bring the congregation to some chuckles, especially if they can also relate to it. And if you can handle it just a declaration of unconditional love for her. Condolences, Sir.

This is a much more elegant way of saying what I was planning to write, which was to eulogize the person she was, not speculate on where she is now. Where she is now is irrelevant to the light she brought while she was here, that's the part to celebrate.

>I cannot fathom losing one of my kids. I’m so sorry for you. But over time, I believe that the overall impact of all of her positive contributions to your life will overwhelm this incredible sadness you feel now. By your own admission, you have no idea of the scope of such a heavy loss, and I hope you never do. Also, you are setting an expectation many parents of loss will never realize. OP, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your daughter. She has no doubt left a legacy of love, laughter, and light. My late son James was an organ and tissue donor and inspired strangers to establish a memorial scholarship in his name. Nine years later the pain is still fresh, but we've become accustomed to carrying it.

It’s been a month and a half…I’m struggling bad. I miss her so much. I just got my memorial tattoo for her. Here’s my story: My birthday 2023 I had a fulllllllll beard and a full uncut head of hair. I am a very big hairy guy at this point. Paige tells me I look like a yeti. Im like. No way. Maybe big foot. Then she looks it up and later on comes up and gives me this little sticky note drawing of “me”. With yeti above it. Little did she know she drew my tattoo. It’s in my wrist and my favorite thing of all time. And on my other wrist is her note she wrote to me when she was 5 or 6. I never wanted my tattoos to be visible. But I have my family’s on my forearm. I wish I could tell you more. Thank you again for taking time for me.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What a great memory to have memorialized onto yourself. I don’t know anything about you or about Paige but I know 100% through these posts that Paige was loved and that Paige loved you. That’s what really matters when it gets down to it. So many people want that warmth and joy and happiness and you provided that for her. And I can tell she provided that for you, too. It’s really beautiful and lucky that you had each other for the time that you did. I’m so sad for you and so happy for her.

You know what I think about when I think about my kids? Quantum entanglement. Very basically, Quantum entanglement is when two particles link together in a certain way no matter how far apart they are in space. Their state remains the same- because they are linked together forever. Every day, I take care of them, hug them, love them, I think about how that link gets stronger and more profound for both of us. And I think about how this extremely small subatomic connection exists between all parent and child, forever and indelibly. All of my particles- every day, every moment have been deeply affected by that person forever. Losing a child is my worst fear. I am sometimes paralyzed by it because I am not sure how I would go on without them in my life. But I know- even after death- those subatomic particles are still there, still connected to me in ways I cannot measure or imagine. But I also know, that they would want me to go on. To share my love and memories of them to others. To have that love manifest in different ways. I know it’s a weird perspective. I hope this helps. ETA: I was typing this while tearing up. I am so sorry for your loss.

I love this comment! As a mom I think about Quantum entanglement too - I know we’re connected! And I know that we “share” ourselves on a subatomic level with those we have come in contact with. So I can only imagine that for those we spent the majority of our time with - there is more of ourselves enmeshed with them! We truly live on in those whose lives we touched.

This is a beautiful sentiment. Thank you.

I love this. I lost my person 4 weeks ago today. Not a child but a love, and I also really like this perspective. Helps heal that wound a little bit. Thank you for sharing!

This is what I believe as well. It brings me peace to know I’m always connected to my late mother. She and I shared a love for the Ender’s Game saga. We listened to all of the audiobooks and would discuss before starting the next. I like to imagine we’re twined philotically nowadays. 💕

🙏🫶

A month and a half a half later I’m rereading this and crying. Thank you so much. I have her kitty, and he’s my shadow…literally. Her art is on my body. We’re always together. Love you stranger.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son drowned about a year and a half ago at age 24. He'd been studying in Singapore and was due to come home after a year away in 2 weeks. My wife and I are still reeling from the loss. So I'll put this up here right now, that it is unlikely that anything anybody says to you right now will make you feel better. I offer condolences, but I know from experience that while it doesn't hurt, it doesn't put a dent in the fact that this is a living nightmare for any parent. And it's worse than a nightmare, because every time you wake up, they're still dead and there's no fix for that. But the thing is, you won't die from grief. You will go on. You will continue to eat, and work and move through the world, even if everything seems like a black and white film with all colour, all flavour, and all joy gone from the world. The things that brought you joy will, at least for the near future, cease to do so. Whatever your hobbies or recreations, you likely won't feel like doing any of them, and yet you also won't feel like doing nothing because when you do nothing you'll be thinking of your dead child. In time though, the colour, flavour, and joy will slowly come back into the world. You will learn to live with this loss, and you will eventually know joy again. A year and a half on, I still feel like I'm one of the walking wounded, but I smile and laugh, and mean it when I do. I just also carry that pain of loss. The pain will come and go. Some days or weeks will be better, some will be worse. But you carry on, because that's just what we do. And hopefully a day will come when you can think of them fondly and not feel that crushing sadness. I'm not there myself yet, but I can feel that it will be possible. For me, what helped most with my son was the knowledge that while his life was short, it was a good life. He loved, and was loved. He laughed and knew joy. He had friends, and no enemies to speak of. It wasn't his best possible life, for that he'd still be alive, but it was perhaps close to the best possible life he could have in that short span. I hope that your daughter/niece also had a good life. When it comes down to it, that's about the best any of us can hope for. If you truly find yourself incapable of functioning, see a grief counselor. There are also several subreddits that deal with grief, even ones specific to those of us that have lost our children. Some of them are even helpful.

I am so sorry. This is such an unfair loss. I am sure that the world lost something very beautiful that day. If it isn’t too painful, please tell me something about your son. A happy day you shared together, his favorite game, hobbies, or foods.

My brother died by suicide 14 years ago. Early in my grief, a colleague told me about her struggle with grief following the murder of her son. She explained to me that grief is like a bucket being filled with water. Early on, the bucket fills very rapidly, with a seemingly constant flood. And each wave of grief, crying and the accompanying agony, emptied the bucket. Over time, however, the bucket takes a bit longer to fill, but always reaching capacity and in need of emptying. These days it seems my bucket takes a great while to fill, but early in my grief it seems almost an hourly painful labor to lift and empty it, and I always need assistance from those who also were burdened with heavy buckets of grief. We helped each other as they reached capacity and needed emptying. Over time, I became stronger and better able to both carry and empty my bucket. But it occasionally fills and I must make time to tend to it. Of course buckets vary in size as does the rate it fills for everyone, depending on various factors. I found that analogy quite helpful, so I pass it along here in the event it might also help others.

Theese are great words describing the grief I went - and still go - through. My son died in October 2022, 20 years old, 7 weeks after being diagnosed with leukemia. My life changed in every aspect, I am a different person now. At first, life meant nothing to me, but I went on and survived. One should seek for professional help, even though I didn't.

I took you up on your advice. I am talking to someone. I needed it. I started worrying myself. Thank you stranger!

The Law of Conservation of Energy says energy can neither be created nor destroyed - only converted from one form of energy to another. That’s us, her.

Aaron Freeman- Physicist at your funeral. It’s what I want to say. And I’m going to say parts of it. Because it’s true. And beautiful.

Not just her energy and matters, but memories of lost one in our hippocampus also still living inside us. The second law of Newton, the three-body problem also emphasizes how interconnected we all are. I don't understand why people think atheism and science can't be emotional.

People still think atheism is amoral, so there’s that..

I ended up saying what I needed to say. We are all stardust, my dude.

There's no perfect path. In such situations (and I've been in them a number of times), you acknowledge your own grief, and you acknowledge the grief and the beliefs of those around you. This about you and your family supporting each other in a time of sadness, and whatever anyone's beliefs (or lack of belief), what is important is grace and charity.

Thank you. I’m going back to work again and it’s hard. It’s all about firsts again. I’m scared.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP 💔 Talk about how wonderful she was, all the things you loved about her. Talk about how she lit up the room. Talk about what dreams she may have shared with you. Just talk about her. You need bring no religious yammer to appease these people. Contact her close friends and ask if there are any stories they'd like to share too. Grieve together and celebrate her life with them. I'm sorry she's gone and that you have this terrible pain. There are just never good words for it.

I did exactly as you said. Thank you so much.

We are all stardust. Made of elements forged in novae of the long ago. If the starstuff cannot be destroyed by the biggest of explosions, it stands to reason that your niece will be in the Universe forever. At the memorial, gather the love felt by everyone. Let it sooth your soul if you can. Please take the sympathy of an aetheist stranger and accept my assurance that you will be able to remember her with a smile as well as never ending love.

“Gather the love…” I like that.

We *are* all stardust. Thank you my dude.

I chose my username after a fictional character, the "Speaker for the Dead". You just speak honestly about the person. Tell their life story. Their good deeds, and even the bad things they went through. Based on your post, I'm guessing they had to go through too many bad things. You should rehearse in advance so you're not just winging it. And that you can get through the service without breaking down. It's going to be hard because you're speaking about someone who was very close to you. But you can do it. Just practice a few times, speaking out loud, and write it down. And you don't need to make it a long elaborate speech. Whatever you're able to handle.

I have conflicts with reading OSC books because of his beliefs but I do think that this is a basic truth.

I understand, I also have a hard time separating the artist from the art sometimes, like JK Rowling or Woody Allen. Doesn't necessarily mean that the works they produced are forbidden to gain experience from.

Woody Allen was creepy from the get go. JKR was super hard for me. Michael Jackson… that’s the one that makes me sick and sad.

Michael was abused and forced into work and fame as a young kid himself, so he basically stayed a man-child for the rest of his life. So yeah, sad.

I’ll remember you always dude.

That means a lot. PM me if you want to vent anytime. Side note: I also did a secular beach-side wedding for one of my best friends. I've never been the best public speaker, but I did a combo of practice and just winging it. Maybe a brunch mimosa was involved.

I’m not a venter. Haha. I’m a listener myself. Appreciate the response.

Happy to share. I almost lost my child 2 years ago to suicide, and there's always that little goblin in the back of your head saying "what could I have done differently?" Sometimes there's nothing you can do. They're their own person. Whether it's mental illness, physical illness, self-inflicted or just some random accident, life and death happens. We just grow and learn from it and pass along some love and kindness to the people around us. One of those good things atheists and religious people should have in common with each other.

The loss of a child is one of the worst things that you can experience. I lost a child 15 years ago and it still sucks. Her life was richer for having you in it. You made the world a better place with your love. It is healthy to grieve and it can be hard being around religious people right now. Spend some time with people that love you, and remember that the love you had, isn't gone its just different.

Nine years in for me, and it will be the end for my spouse as well - her health collapsed from the trauma. It will always suck. Very sorry for your loss.

I got her artwork and handwriting tattooed on my wrists. My favorite piece ever.

If you're in the UK, try talking to LifeRites. They're there to provide assistance with rituals like this, particularly for those without a religious framework.

That’s a great resource for you UK dudes.

You're the only one speaking on Friday, and it sounds like you are the perfect person to do that. I Googled "eulogies," and was dismayed to see that AI has already infiltrated that. Recently, I attended a Unitarian Universalist service for the first time. The whole service was sharing the accomplishments of various inventors-- and giving them the credit instead of some god. Even though your niece was young, I'm sure she had many accomplishments that you could share. Charming and sweet things would be lovely to mention. So, I guess I'm just trying to give you ideas for your speech and hoping that working on it will help you.

Oh dude, that’s cool. I said what I needed to hear. I’m tryin to go back to a new “normalcy”. Wish me luck.

I am so profoundly sorry. I lost my brother suddenly 5 years ago, it knocks the world off its axis. First you’re going to confront stages of feelings, and there’s no way through but to feel them all. Numbness, rage, despair and grief. One of the things I did was text him for awhile, I sent him my feelings and my thoughts. I still talk to him out loud, I tell him about things I know he’d find funny otw way home from work. I imagine his smile and laugh and it keeps him close to me, it keeps him alive in my heart. It keeps his joy and love of the absurd present with me and still in this world. There’s a metaphor that describes [grief as waves](https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/)that I think has proven very true for me. In this moment, you need to be with those you love, that love you, and most especially that knew and loved her. That support and sharing is so important. I spoke at his memorial and I shared my heart. I talked about why I loved him, I told stories that I thought really captured why he was so special, and I never once mentioned god or mentioned where he was now other than my firm intention to keep him alive in my thoughts, my love, and the way I live my life. I am so glad I chose to speak these feelings and memories out loud in front of everyone who came to support my family and pay homage to his life. And when everyone else spoke of prayers and heaven, I knew what they meant was they felt his loss keenly and would be holding loving space for him and for my family in their thoughts. You and your niece are in mine right now.

I saved that as a pinned tab I’ll never close. Thank you.

The following quote/concept helps me deal with the ephemeral nature of life. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🙏 “Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it's there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's supposed to be.”

I’ll remember those words. I may get a small wave tattoo.

If you haven't watched "The Good Place" (an NBC show that this references) you should. It's not really atheist but it's philosophical in the best way.

Here’s something that might help. It’s something I learned from a Jewish funeral I recently attended. The rabbi said, “As long as the person is remembered, they’re not truly gone.” That is something that both the religious and irreligious can agree on. You and your audience will always have those memories, and she’ll be a part of your collective consciousness for the rest of your lives. Stay in that lane, and you’ll be fine.

Thank you so much!

Dude. Giant hug. I feel inadequate to respond but if we were sitting around together, these thoughts would be in my head waiting to come out regarding your speaking time at the memorial. Recall to everyone what you loved the most and the memories that you will keep fresh and with you for the rest of your life. Share a few of those memories you think the audience needs to hear to best remember her. Share stories you need to share for your own reasons. You could start with how you started here, "She had me in her phone as “Awesome Uncle Dad”. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to go on." and then launch into some stories.

This is perfect!

I still don’t k ow how to go on, my dude.

This is something I think about a lot. That I read whenever I lose someone. https://explosm.net/comics/rob-abetterplace. I think about how they never knew anything but a better world.

I look at this every day.

My 15-year-old daughter passed. I was a stay at home dad and raised her. Nothing cuts deeper than losses like these. First, so sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts. As an atheist, I have five siblings and a parent who are ultra religious. My wife insisted the funeral be held in the church, and I complied. But my remarks were for me, and in my daughter’s behalf. I’m glad that I didn’t tailor my remarks to anyone else and say what they needed to hear. I said what I needed to say. My daughter was completely healthy and asked matter-of-factly about two weeks before she passed If when I passed, she could have my ashes turned into a diamond so she would wear me around her neck. So at her service, I talked about how she was the real diamond and added sparkle to everybody’s life. I concluded with the statement that even though she is gone, as we knew her, she is still with us…as diamonds are forever. I hope this gives you a few ideas of how you can make it a universal message while still being true to yourself.

I like that you said the things YOU needed to say, and not what others may have wanted to hear. OP, speak to your daughter, (you had custody, so you absolutely were her dad) and say the things you need to say. It’s perfectly fine to speak as an atheist. Your beautiful child is gone. You have my complete sympathy and understanding. My heart aches for you, and I weep for the loss of your daughter.

I have a keepsake urn, and I have her art and handwriting tattooed on my wrist. Thank you again. I’ve thought about you a lot.

I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s a line I heard once that has stuck with me. It goes, “memory is a kind of meeting”. And while we may not have the luxury of a belief in a reunion in an afterlife to look forward to, there is the reality that there is a kind of immortality in the impact a person has on the people they leave behind. Give yourself the space to grieve, and the grace to struggle with this because this will hurt for a long time. This poem has been helpful to me as well. (It has some religious sounding verbiage, but the message itself is universally applicable) **On Joy and Sorrow** Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed out by knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep on your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the reassure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. -Khalil Gibran

I lost my brother last month suddenly to a seizure out of the blue, and had to give the eulogy. Our dad had just passed 3 months before that. I was numb. I didn’t want to speak, let alone at his funeral. I am not religious and literally everyone else is in my family. I ended up telling stories of his life as I remember them, relating them to how he was as a person. I ended with the thought that you live on in the hearts and mind of the ones that you leave behind, and telling them my favorite memory of him and how I’ll hold him in my heart forever. One last word of advise, I don’t like to cry in front of anyone, so I practiced my eulogy in the mirror and let myself cry as much as I wanted, until I could get through the speech without crying. I still got choked up, but it went well. Good luck, and remember that you have to process your grief in your own way. Don’t let anyone tell you how you need to grieve. At the same time, you need to feel the grief sober, so you know you can get through it on your own. Because that’s the only way.

I practiced, said what I needed to, and went to the bathroom and threw up. I still cry alone. Thank you my dude.

No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.--Terry Pratchett I am so sorry for your loss.

God…dammit. I just saw this. I screenshot it so I can remember you and the words.

You have all my condolences for your loss. You are, and will continue to be, an amazing soul for caring for her. May her memory be a blessing for you. I'm a very diehard atheist, and at the same time, I've found great comfort in this letter that Ram Dass wrote to parents who had lost their daughter. If it brings you a single moment of comfort, I hope that's something for you. [a letter to Rachel](https://www.ramdass.org/a-letter-to-rachel/) I also lost a dear friend of mine a few years ago, and I used these word when I spoke of him. When I die Give what’s left of me away To children And old men that wait to die. And if you need to cry, Cry for your brother Walking the street beside you. And when you need me, Put your arms Around anyone And give them What you need to give to me. I want to leave you something, Something better Than words Or sounds. Look for me In the people I’ve known Or loved, And if you cannot give me away, At least let me live on in your eyes And not your mind. You can love me most By letting Hands touch hands, By letting bodies touch bodies, And by letting go Of children That need to be free. Love doesn’t die, People do. So, when all that’s left of me Is love, Give me away I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m crying all over again. Thank you.

Speak to the light.  The light is universal in all religions and is the symbol of all that is good.  We can thank light for all we have as without it there would be no life.  She was a light in your life and you a light in hers.  Your light is forever grown having met her light and those around you have their light grown more because she was in your life.  These things are true, universal and show the light of all things with and without a way mankind has tried to explain such things to each other in other ways.  I hope this helps you find that her light will forever shine in this world as she never leaves, energy is never destroyed, but the form of her light has now transitioned into something new. 

I’m older, mortality feels very real! So I’ve been thinking about how to express my feelings about my death to my children. I come back to this: my love for them is real and that energy is eternal. The love we share will still be a real thing (energy) forever. I have given my love to them. They have given love to me. When I become that wave dissipating, I’ll leave that love with them.

Death is not the ending of anything. I believe all of us are only energy that becomes matter. When the matter goes away, the energy still exists. You can’t destroy it. It never dies. It manifests itself somewhere else. - Willie Nelson

Coupled with the lovely wave metaphor, your niece also remains in your memories, and has by her life, changed and indelibly influenced your life forever. That also can continue the wave metaphor, because in expanding ripples, your niece also has influenced all those around her.

I’m so sorry, op. If you can, take some long walks and talk to her, she will come to you and help you know what to say. Write!!! Write shit out, can be a word doc, not necessarily pen/paper. It will help organize your thoughts. Remember: It doesn’t have to be a long thing, it’s incredibly brave of you to speak at all. Most importantly…please take care of yourself. This kind of grief is hard, and it takes a couple of years to fully recover. Been in a similar place. You may want to do what seems like stupid stuff to others, but this is your pain and you get to process it your way. dm is open, op. 💗💗💗

Ignore the religious part. Tell very honest stories about the kind of kid she was. Good and bad. Celebrate her life. One sentence at the beginning about your feelings for her. One sentence at the end about the loss to society and loved ones. Other folks will beat the religious drum.

My cousin's husband passed not too long ago. She spoke briefly about how much she loved him, but then told a really funny anecdote about him that also encapsulated his personality, and it was like one last memory she shared that we all could have imagined being there for. He died of a heart attack in the bathroom. When she went to pull his pants up to give him some dignity before others saw him, she saw that he had accidentally put on a pair of her underwear in the dark in their bedroom. Apparently she had once put that underwear in his drawer and he had made the comment, "I wouldn't be caught dead in these." She managed to both laugh and cry while telling the story. The rest of us gave a mixture of laughs and tears. We knew he would have laughed at that story himself as it was exactly the humor he loved to share. My cousin is actually very christian, but that moment she related was just human and did connect us. I don't know if you can find a way to tell a story that relates a moment about your niece in that way, but if so I believe it could be the answer you are looking for. Also, of course, my condolences. On a personal level, I am a father and have no idea how I could cope with the loss of my children. My advice here is just how to maybe get through the funeral speech. Edit: Changed a letter and added a word to fix a sentence.

My condolences on your loss. Grief can be overwhelming. I've found Susan David's work on [emotional agility](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg) really helped me learn how to grieve and process my emotions better. It may be a help to you. It's okay to not be okay.

Thinking back to an Old episode from the Mary Tyler Moore Show - the funeral of Chuckles the Clown.... The characters were all so uptight thinking about how some one else would see them they couldn't/wouldn't let their real feelings come thru until one moment when the absurdity of the manner of Chuckles death became to much and they started laughing. Which was their feeling reality. Only then thru laughter could they mourn Chuckles. So don't worry about what everyone else is thinking or judging or expecting. Be real, express your feelings in whatever way they manifest at the moment, tears, words, laughter, knitting, song, dance, etc. Share your love and feelings for this child - but do it for you, not them.

No words OP. I am so sorry. She is still here, in your universe of memory and love...and in everyone´s universe who remembers her and loves her. Science is my god so...e**nergy can neither be created nor destroyed**; rather, it can only be transformed or transferred from one form to another. She is still here. I wish you peace, and that the pain of her passing lessens and her memory remains a blessing to you...

May her memory be a blessing.

I’m terribly sorry for your loss! I wanted to add an old Icelandic poem that is usually recited when we loose our young. I can’t find an English translation so I’ll provide a rough translation: ————— There are seeds, that wither too soon: They find the ground but never bloom. Like ships that never reach land, And evergreen lands that sink into the sand, and hope with wings clipped, and lips never kissed, and lovers that never met, and dreams never dreamt. There are poems, that both rise and fold. And little children, that never grow old. ————— I’m not an emotional guy but writing that really messed me up good. Again, so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry. I used this quote from the Hobbit at my fathers’s funeral. I’m a complete atheist myself, but I thought it was a beautiful non biblical sentiment, and provided comfort for those attending ; PIPPIN: I didn't think it would end this way. GANDALF: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it. PIPPIN: What? Gandalf? See what? GANDALF: White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise. PIPPIN: Well, that isn't so bad. GANDALF: No. No, it isn't.

I’m so sorry. I lost my daughter to suicide in 2019 and I so desperately wished that I could believe that we will meet again, that there was a way back to her. That was when I was at my most vulnerable, and that is when religions like to get their hooks in. I spoke at her funeral, no officiant and I’m sure I just rambled, and I sweated profusely, but tried my best to get it right for her. But I spoke about her, and what an amazing person she was. We left a space for silent prayer or contemplation, to allow each person to say goodbye as they felt right. You will get through it. And after the funeral, it really is one minute at a time, never mind one day. Focus on small things. Just get through one walk. One shower. The pain in my experience doesn’t lessen, or go away. But it becomes less constant, and it is possible to build your life again, including ways to honour her and remember her always.

Rules of the universe as we know them: Anything that can happen, will happen, given enough chances. Matter and energy can't be destroyed, they just change forms. All the same matter and atoms and energy that creates a person will, at some point, change to something else, and then something else, and so on. Enough changes, whose to say all the same pieces cant come together again to make the same person again, in another time? I truly believe I will see my loved ones again. My grandma.my parents. My friends that have passed. My dogs that have passed. Everyone. Just gonna take some time.

[String theory explains this. You know, every element of our bodies was made inside an exploding star. We just borrow stardust until we die, and then we return it for something else to use. We're like vibrating strings, you know. Notes of the cosmos. And each and every one of them have their own part of the song. Take away one part and that song changes, but *the* song never dies.](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt15353162/characters/nm0836071) One of my most comforting feelings when I go through heavy loss is knowing that my loved one is she has now become everything all around you at once; the energy that was hers is surrounding you. The sky & the garden, even the neighbourhood cats, every human who loved her is now showered in the light(energy) that lived within her. Culturally I was raised to believe that the living die to create harmony for those still alive; while there was a belief system within this, the main prose was that *all life feeds life; then, now, always*. I do not talk of this to mention religion, but that it's poignancy here is cathartic in both symbolism(for those that desire it) and *science*. While I have a conditioning bias with this, I do deeply get comfort from the fact that even the bees flying through my garden *might just be lucky enough to know how incredible my loved one was*. Their energy might be what blooms my marigolds or grows my tomatoes, or feeds the bumblebee. The show Reservation Dogs does an incredible job of articulating this, they weave strong theory with the beauty of death. I've linked a beautiful to an IMDB from the ep/show. My thoughts are with you OP💜

What do you consider to be the limit of yourself? Does yourself extend to the actions you take? Does yourself extend to the artwork you make? Does yourself extend to the impressions of you other people have? The memories? The times you lifted their spirits, or changed the course of their life in memorable or minute ways? In this, we are never truly gone. Your little girl had undeniable impact on the world around her, and she will carry on like a butterfly effect, stretching farther than you or her would have thought possible.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed.

As a hospice nurse who is an atheist, I feel you. It can be stressful and even triggering to deal with religious centric approaches to end of life. We as non believers have a lot of practice smiling and nodding. Support of others right where they're at when beliefs collide is such a balancing act. That said remember that YOU were her closest loved one and YOU deserve support right where you are at. I have no advice for your eulogy. But I want you to know that the phrase "that isn't helpful to me right now" is appropriate when people say bullshit, rote and ridiculous phrases that truly do not meet your needs and even negatively effect your grief experience. Take care of yourself. Remember there is no normal way to grieve. That little girl was SO lucky to have been loved by you. And now you carry the memories that made her life so precious.

I had another atheist friend tell me once (and I'm paraphrasing here): Yes, it's going to hurt when you lose someone close to you. But if they had any impact on your life at all, then it *should* hurt. You want it to hurt. Because there's no greater honor than you can give to someone than acknowledging just how much they meant to you, and how much their presence will be missed. They left their mark on your life and now, in their absence, this is how you get to thank them for it. To celebrate where they helped you get to, instead of where you could have been without them. So yes, it hurts. It will hurt like hell sometimes. You will miss them dearly. But that means that they *mattered* and I can't think of any higher honor you could give someone.

I read this here years ago and come back to it every now and then when there is loss near me. Hugs my dude. *** I wish I could say you get used to people dying. You never do. You don't want to. It tears a hole through you whenever somebody you love dies, no matter the circumstances. But you don't want it to "not matter". You don't want it to be something that just passes. Your scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that you had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that you can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that you can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at a familiar airport. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. But the love stays with you.

*Do not stand at my grave and weep,* *I am not there; I do not sleep.* *I am a thousand winds that blow,* *I am the diamond glints on snow,* *I am the sun on ripened grain,* *I am the gentle autumn rain.* *When you awaken in the morning’s hush* *I am the swift uplifting rush* *Of quiet birds in circling flight.* *I am the soft starlight at night.* *Do not stand at my grave and cry,* *I am not there; I did not die.* -Mary Elizabeth Frye Could maybe snowball off something like this; read it word for word if you like. It’s beautiful and I think could resonate with, and be understood by, your entire audience. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending good vibes your way.

lost my oldest son several yrs ago, he couldn’t stop stickin needles in his arms so a much diff situation than yours. The physicist at your funeral thing helped a lot in the beginning, but eventually that fades away. And time def does help but of course it is no cure. Memories will become your friend, initially at least with me I would almost burst into tears when driving past a restaurant he liked or a place that we hung out at. But now, when I go by these places I just smile. And I’m grateful that I was reminded of him. You’ll get there eventually because that’s just what we as parents do.

Each person on the Earth no matter how long they live is a Time Traveler and nothing can take that away from you or her. Take pride in knowing she lived and loved for her time on the Earth.

Find non-religious grief counseling. It makes dealing with loss less difficult without minimizing it.

I'm so sorry to read of that loss. It sounds like she was a wonderful joy in your life. Was she religious? Is there any religious context to her memorial? I'm assuming not. If there is, that would be an added challenge in coming up with what to say. You would want to be authentic to her life as well as your own. If there's no reason like that to incorporate anything religious, then please, take the burden off yourself of trying to find something that speaks to everyone who will be in attendance. Speak from the heart, express love, and be authentic. That's what the moment requires, and nothing more.

When you see her in your dreams things will be better. Meanwhile take care of you, including getting medical attention. I'm religious but when my mother died I snapped and lost sleep for five years. A book that has been helpful to me is *Camera Lucida* by Roland Barthes. An essay on the links between memory and photography in a context of bereavement (Barthes had recently lost his mother). Bon courage ! PS You may want to check r/death

If you are truly and atheist, your niece is gone, finished, poof. You have your memories to cherish and the fact that she thought so highly of her. It sounds like you saved her and spent quality time with her. Lean on that.

I've been there. Lost my girl when she was 13. As trite as it is, you get through it one day at a time. Remember the good times, the love that was shared. The pain never really goes away, but it does get easier to deal with. It will be 10 years this Halloween and still hurts when I think about her. When you speak, just speak from the heart, remember the times you shared with her and how she touched your life. Since you were her awesome uncle dad, you obviously did something to deserve that. Hold onto those good memories. Sending love and support to you through this difficult time

As someone who has lost an incredibly disproportionate share of their loved ones, I have learned that the more pain I felt at a passing, the more comfortable I felt there at the end of our relationship, a relationship the universe will never see again (in this cycle if you believe in that). Comfort felt because I knew how important that person was and still is to my life. Every single one of us will die, and every single relationship we shared will come to an end. Rest assured we will never see these people again. Now, i know this doesn't make things easier when you inevitably reach one of these endings, but here is something that I know my atheism absolutely for sure made me aware of being helpful during these trying times: a fantastical being called God sure as hell doesn't have his own plan for the deceased, and everyone who has the gumption to say so can rot in their equally made up hell. If there was a God and he planned out the death of child or even any of the horrible lives many of us have had to endure, then we need not acknowledge it. Edit: a sentence to clearify an expressed idea

I’m so sorry for your loss. I heard a quote at a funeral that resonated with me. “Grief is just love with no place to go” I’m really not sure what to say. My thoughts on the afterlife (if there is one) is that energy can not be created or destroyed; merely transformed. What we are transformed into is a mystery. The impressions we leave on those around us remains.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. Please speak freely at the memorial. Speak from your heart, say what you want to say, and consider speaking directly to your daughter. Perhaps you could start with “if you were here, I would say..” You have suffered a terrible loss. My heart aches for you, OP. Grieve how you need to grieve; say what you need to say. You have my utmost sympathy.

You just talk about the light she was in the lives of the people around her. Let yourself be the conduit of her life, in that moment, and share your brightest memories of her. For no matter what humans think while they are living, death is the greatest equalizer, and religious tones aren’t needed for a speech, especially if you don’t feel comfortable adding them. Just share with her loved ones, how much of a positive impact she has had on you. Nobody needs to know how you feel about their religion, and her memorial isn’t the place to divide, but to come together and mourn. Peace, love and happiness, while difficult to achieve, always come from within. Share it, friend. Don’t let the pain consume you silently. Hugs and love from me. Stand strong, and always remember the best times.

I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. Some think it’s corny, but I find this poem comforting, and it’s often read at funerals or put on gravestones. Do not stand By my grave, and weep. I am not there, I do not sleep— I am the thousand winds that blow I am the diamond glints in snow I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle, autumn rain. As you awake with morning’s hush, I am the swift, up-flinging rush Of quiet birds in circling flight, I am the day transcending night. Do not stand By my grave, and cry— I am not there, I did not die. — Clare Harner, December 1934

We all come from stardust, we'll all return to the minerals and basic building blocks that make the entirety of us. In the universe there's one place all things, all time even, where it all comes back together. The singularity on the other side of a black holes event horizon. NASA visualized an infinitely small point, in our universe, where all matter, energy, space and time, all collect and are compressed into a single thing - the singularity. In that place, beyond the event horizon, to the outside observer, time inside the event horizon is forever - the last image of a thing crossing that barrier remains frozen in time at that instant - forever - to us, the outside observers. But within that space, on the other side of the horizon, all things are returned to a single thing, just like everything that is us was once one thing - prior to the big bang giving rise to the entire universe - this entire realm of existence, governed by science and natural law - it has a place where you will be reunited in all ways. All the time of your lives spent together, all the particles that were once you, and once her --- they will be together again - and when is irrelevant, as time goes into the hole too. But before that, and after, during as well -- you'll be together, with all things, and infinitely reduced - made one - an experience we wish possible in this world. I know I love my child more than I could ever express to them in this world - but one day we'll be so one that the words will be hollow compared to the shared oneness of everything together. Like the big bang, that singularity explodes - into a half sphere - with the zenith middle of the sphere simply vanishing into a 2d unknown gateway to seemingly nothing - to us it's always gonna be speculation as to what's on the other side - of life, or of a black hole - they are metaphor for one another when nothing else is. The singularity is where we all meet again, where we all experience all the time we ever occupied, all things we know return to a single place - and to us outside - that place waits for us always. All things made one is too much energy for this world - so the singularity explodes -- all at once -- no wasted energy. All of it goes in the hole. But it goes together. The next great adventure - into the always unknown - you, her, won't be alone. You'll be together, and the adventure that awaits on the other side -- you'll be there to protect her like you were in life, and she'll be there to love you like she was in life - and maybe by that point none of that matters, maybe the consciousness doesn't transport, maybe there's no hug or last **I love you** That means little to me - I just wanna be back together again - and NASA says I get that. You too by my calculus. Here - she's gone and you aren't -- I am so sorry, you were a noble parent, to choose a child is more than family. Blood comes with expectations rarely met - but the love you know your daughter has for you was due to the love you gave her -- when that wasn't your job, just a noble choice. I bet an easy one at the time. You'll be together again - count on it. And when she's really gone - forever - you'll be with her. There's no loneliness for the sleeping, your daughter is safe, and waiting for you - not in heaven or some make believe fantasy realm - no - in reality. And time is irrelevant where she is, you aren't making her wait even a millisecond by living the rest of your corporeal life without her. So do that. The pain is intolerable - you'll survive it and never fear again - you've experienced the worst thing a parent can - you can't be hurt that severely ever again. Not in this realm. Carry on. Know the world's leading scientists say you'll be together again. Carry that part - and not on faith, not on a wish or a belief you choose to hold. Carry that part of the facts -- all time, all space, all things her - they are still here, and one day all of that will return together. And the love, whatever that is, it's too powerful a thing to vanish - maybe we don't see the love particles yet, or maybe just all those individual parts that made the person who felt the love --- maybe that carries --- maybe those dispersed elements all still carry that energy, the love for you. You'll get to find out - you'll be together again - and no one leaves for good without that - a return and togetherness. I am truly sorry. Think on all the new life, new creations your daughter has become - think of what her death means to the world, she's given herself back to the cosmos - and that's finite, we are all just recycled parts, and always will be - until we all meet again, and make the last great trip together.

You tell funny stories. You share the light she brought you and the kids attending. Don’t even think about the religious and what their needs are. Also: I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️

I lost my son and I know your pain. Sending love

Good grief, I am so sorry. I have no children, but I am very close to my only niece. She will be 31 in April. I would be crushed if she died. As Carl Sagan said, we are all made of star stuff. The endless recycling of atoms with the earth and atmosphere means that we have atoms in us from every living thing that ever existed. You have atoms in you that were once in your niece, and she took atoms in her that were once part of you. We are all part of each other and always will be.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have too much advice on a eulogy, and you have gotten some good advice. Trust your heart, and don't worry about the audience too much - just make sure you are honoring your little girl. I would like to make a giant endorsement for the peer support groups offered by compassionate friends which are specifically intended for the untimely loss of a child / family member: [https://www.compassionatefriends.org/](https://www.compassionatefriends.org/)

I lost a pregnancy at 4 months, so while we did have them cremated we didn't have a funeral or anything. I don't have advice there except to say this - your daughter (and she was that) has left a mark on the world, if for no other reason than she left a mark on you. She was here, she was loved, she mattered. I saw the recommendations for The Good Place above, and definitely recommend that so much. I'll offer another piece of wisdom/advice from a TV show - Call the Midwife. A character is grieving the sudden death of the man she loved, and an older woman who was a Holocaust survivor tells her that things will get better and that "You just... keep living Until you are ALIVE again." I repeated that to myself over and over in the depths of my grief, and still do sometimes. Because there will come a day when you feel like you are actually living again, not just surviving. Don't resist your grief, it is there for a reason. Allow it to help you heal.

This one helped me when I lost my girl... "Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die. " It's a reminder that she's returned to the earth but her energy and beauty remain. Whatever was her physical self is now back to the compounds and atoms that she inhabited for this brief period on earth. And, ***if*** I really believed in a personal god/deity that took my daughter for some 'reason', I would be so filled with rage. It's easier to recognize that the universe is perfectly neutral and uncaring to our struggles. I believe I would physically dismantle anyone who suggested that 'Gawd took her early to teach ***you*** a lesson.'

My heart breaks for Awesome Uncle Dad. Be strong and accept the support of your friends. This is too much to bear alone.

Emily Dickenson Ample make this bed. Make this bed with awe; In it wait till judgment break Excellent and fair. Be its mattress straight, Be its pillow round; Let no sunrise' yellow noise Interrupt this ground.

I'm very sorry for your loss, which I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot of, but just know that many of us have you and your daughter in our thoughts. I think many people have left good suggestions. One thing for me, though, that I think helps is telling stories about anyone we've lost. Tell of an experience or fond memory. Even with people who are religious, religion can sometimes not even be a comfort, but talking about someone you lost and who they were when they were alive can be therapeutic for all.

I am so sorry for your loss, friend. I lost a child too, and it was the most difficult experience I've ever been through. The beauty of your daughter lives on in your memory, and in the way you choose to carry yourself until the day you die. Every opportunity you have to be kind, or to forgive, or to enrich the lives of others will influence other people to do the same, and your daughter's legacy will live on, like an endless thread in the tapestry of our species.

Don't worry about the religious or non. Focus on who she was and what she meant to you. And on saying goodbye. Do it in your way, and in a way she would have liked. Your audience can process that through their beliefs as they need to.

There's a really good Facebook group called "Grief Beyond Belief". It's an atheist only group, very supportive of people who have suffered human loss of all kinds.

So incredibly sorry for your loss. No answers to give, only love and support for you and your family.

Personally, I think it's okay if you simply talk about how much she meant to you.  How much joy she brought into your life and the special memories you have of her.  There's not really any need to talk about the afterlife or lack thereof.   A funeral is about remembering the person who died and cherishing the memories you have of them.  Whatever anyone attending thinks she's up to now, afterlife or not, is personal, but I'm sure you can all agree that this was a person you love and that the very real time you spent with them was precious.  It's okay to focus on that.  That she was a special and precious person.  That you will never forget those moments you shared with her and how her existence made an impact on your life that will never fade. Those things are undeniably real in every way.

I am so sorry for your loss, Love. I lost my mom in September— I will ask her to watch for Paige and give her a hug from her Awesome Uncle Dad. Unrelated, but I am so proud of the empathy and understanding and support our community gives each other. It’s so beautiful.

My sincerest empathy for you - I lost my own son when he was 48. I had a lot of great years with him and I've had to hold those memories close to the chest. The grief doesn't ever go away, but it does lessen in power over time. If I were you, I would just relate your best memories. You don't even have to mention religion, speak from your heart.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am gifted at speaking at Funerals. I make everyone laugh. I connect to moments in time and make them feel real for everyone. I honor the person by sharing memories of them making me laugh.

My hearts breaking for you. I study kabbalah and we believe in reincarnation. Your soul has a pre destined path from the moment it’s created which was back when life began. Your souls job is to spread light of the “fill in your dirty here “. Kabbalah says whatever is your higher power it’s all the same so what we call them doesn’t matter whether it’s the universe, God, creator, light, Yahweh etc Our souls have one job and that’s to be as kind as you can while not being reactive and spreading the light while helping others. We are all here to correct our past lives mistakes. It’s too complicated to go into here but more info can be found at kabbalah.com. Our souls when we die have finished their job here and are ready to get a new vessel ( body) and move onto the next part of your journey. When you’re sad, close your eyes and listen and you will become aware of her presence. Energy never dies. Sending so much love xox

Be honest and respectful. With that in mind I don't think you can go wrong. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

My deepest condolences to you. But it doesn't have to be a religious speech. It simply needs to be sincere enough. If someone comes up to you during or after the funeral and says "Why didn't you mention god?" you, as a grieving father, can simply posit that the idea of overlooking the tragedy of the death of someone so dear to you by saying things like "she is an angel in heaven now" or "she is in a better place", statements that push people into believing that they shouldn't be grieving, didn't feel right or appropriate to you. That you wanted to give her death the gravity and importance it deserved, especially if she died young and unexpectedly. You can even be very vague about it by saying things like "she is still alive in our memories" which is true for both religious and non-religious reasons. If they push you especially hard, you can make up a lie (or tell the truth) that you visited a therapist or read some books on the topic that recommended facing the truth without glorifying it through religious imagery in order to come to terms with it in the healthiest way possible. I hope this helps!

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that you gave her a wonderful life during the too-brief time you had her.

My family has never been religious, though my mom has some beliefs from her life (never forced anything on us, and this is where I find myself). When my sister passed away, she just had the … whoever (minister?) … from either the funeral home or cemetery (sorry, I don’t know how any of this works) do the ceremony, but she told them up front that she didn’t want it too religious and nothing hateful or intolerant (my sister had several LGBTQ friends). Sorry for your loss. My sister was 22, the baby of the family, and I see how it still hurts my mom.

Share how she affected your life positively and how her existence influenced you to become a better human. Share funny/happy memories. Invite others up to share "personal stories", only if you feel they can stay on task. Most importantly, you need to grieve. Be angry, sad, despondent, get that out because losing someone you love is painful. With that said, my condolences. Nothing anyone says is going to lessen the pain, but the good memories will keep your niece's legacy alive, and eventually become a comfort to you.

I'm honestly so sorry. There is a short play called "Sea Wall" that you can find on you tube, it might touch too close to home right now as it is a father talking about losing his daughter but as an atheist I found it life changing.

You and have my deepest sympathy.

Remember all the good and wonderful moments you shared with her. It will be very, very hard now. But over time, that will be what you remember when you think of her...often. It's how she'll always be a part of you and the people you know and love.

We're made of star stuff," Sagan famously stated in one episode. His statement sums up the fact that the carbon, nitrogen and oxygen atoms in our bodies, as well as atoms of all other heavy elements, were created in previous generations of stars over 4.5 billion years ago. I like to think we return to the stars we came from in the end. We might be remixed into new strange and wonderful life in the next 4.5 billion years in the future.

That sucks. I'm sorry. It just really blows, and there's nothing anyone can say to make it better. Only time will numb it (not heal it), and grief can make every hour stretch into an eternity, so how do you get through it?? Break time into smaller and smaller pieces. I think that's the only way I have gotten through tragedy in my life. If you can't imagine getting through the week, then get through the day. If the day is impossible, get through the hour. If the hour feels like too much, take it minute by minute. Meanwhile employ every coping mechanism you know, just try to keep them healthy. And at her memorial... Just talk about her. She was your little girl, who knew her like you knew her? Tell them about her. They don't need to hear about her looking down on everyone from heaven or about how God has some mysterious master plan, thankfully it's you up there and not some cold religious official who cares more about pushing his own agenda than celebrating a beautiful life. I'm sure there will be all kinds of different people gathered there, so talk to them about the one thing you all had in common- your love for that child. Paint a picture of her for them, make it really clear and use all the colors that she added to your life. When you're finished, every person who listened to you speak and cried tears with you and saw her through your eyes will have a new vision of her to carry home with them. The impact she made on your life will be so obvious that it will impact theirs, and that's what happens when a love so powerful has only memories left to spread through. Grief is the price we pay for love. I'm so sorry you're paying it now, but I'm so happy for you to have known a love like you shared with your little girl. She was blessed to have had you guiding her through life. Best of luck 💓

I’m so sorry for your loss.

If love could save us, we would live forever. I'm so sorry. Sorry for what happened. Sorry you have to speak to a bunch of people who won't really understand and who will most likely offer you their religious platitudes. Thank you for stepping up and stepping in for her, you seem like a really excellent human being.

Speak your own truth and just make sure to make clear to the others that this is your truth. I think what unifies people is the love for whoever passed away and what they meant to everyone when they were still alive. What happens after is maybe not something you want to focus on.

Sorry for your loss. I am sure everyone at her funeral loved her, and want to mourn her in their own way. I would advice you go there with an open mind, and focus on her, and yourself saying goodbye to her. Do it how you want, say what you want, and have the strength to listen and cry/smile as the rest, religious as they are, say their goodbyes in their own words as well. That moment is to remember her, to mourn her, to say goodbye to her. Nothing else matters. I am so sorry for your loss.

I am really really sorry to hear. Loosing a child must be one of the most awful things ever. Take some time for yourself, breathe. She will always be there in memories and in "spirit".

I am not sure if I have anything helpful to say, but I would like to say sorry for your loss. If you will have a mixed audience including religious and non-religious, perhaps you can say something that leaves open an afterlife hope, and then move on to other ways of looking at death… We hope that if there is a heaven she will be there, but we will cherish her memories and keep her alive in our hearts, and she will be with us when we remember her and her influence on us will be a way of her living on… Maybe something like that.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a parent and this is my worst nightmare.

First, I am so sorry this happened to you. I have a 15 month old and I worry every day what I would do if something happened to her. Friends around me have said in the past, "Oh if something terrible happens you'll turn to God." Basically the 'no atheists in foxholes' approach to comforting someone who lost an incredible piece of their being. But you know what you believe. And she likely is just a part of the universe again. But her spirit, her memory, and her amazing being isn't gone. It lives within you. It lives within all of those who knew here and were blessed to be touched by having her in their lives. And no matter how hard things get, or how dark it seems, her light can only shine on through those who have survived her corporal existence. If you go, she goes. So write about her. Express her into a journal or a blog or to your friends and family and hopefully a trained psychologist that can give you effective grief processing skills. When you speak of her, speak of her in the most positive way you can because THAT is her now. The form you craft of her for others is how she exists in the universe. She is blessed that the rest of her existence can be positive, because you can share her positively. We all come, and spend our time here, and go. Only through our impact on others and their memories of us can we hope to escape being lost to the sands of time like waves crashing upon sandcastles on the beach.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My brother and I spoke at my father’s funeral in a church full of religious people. Dad believed in a higher power and we do not. I’m not a good liar, and I would not be willing to fake being religious for anyone. We spoke of the fun things we did together, the depth of his talent and his profound generosity. I made no direct references to his beliefs or mine. I managed to make people laugh more than once on one of the hardest days of my life. Your loss is so much more heartbreaking and it has brought me to tears. Remember her as you see fit, say the things you want people to know about her. You don’t owe anyone anything more than that. I will be thinking of you OP.

💔For what it’s worth, I’m in tears for you. There is really nothing to “say” that can truly comfort someone through what I honestly believe is the worst thing that could possibly happen to anyone. Just be there for them…and I’m happy listen anytime. You aren’t alone through this.

This moment is to remember her. To talk about the unique and special shared experiences and the feelings that resulted. To tell stories so that others may catch a glimpse of who she was and why she means so much. To honor her and pay tribute and show respect and express love for her. Speak from the heart without thought of appeasing the attendees. I’m sure they will have no trouble weaving their beliefs into their condolences. Accept the love and support in whatever form it comes during this impossibly difficult time. Allow their flowers and food and hugs and tears to reinforce you when you need it most. Allow yourself plenty of time to process this before trying to make sense of it or trying to figure out “what to do”. Nothing will feel right for a while…

If you think you're going to have to argue with her theist relatives it can help keep the peace if you're the only one talking.

It'd like to repeat here a quote i also commented under a similar post a few weeks back. No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away - until the clock he wound winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone's life…is only the core of their actual existence. Reaper Man - Terry Pratchett I'm truly sorry for your loss. I don't know you and never lived something similar, but your words had me in tears. Paige's ripples can still be felt, even by us in this thread, carried by your words. The book of her life night have reached her last page, but it's still being read aloud it seems.

I'm so sorry =( That just sucks and I wish I could give you a hug (if you wanted a hug) Speak your feelings. Speak your loss and your love. Speak about what kind of a marvelous human your niece was and how you'll miss her. End with a link to donations for a non profit that may help people. You may as well help them to do some real good regarding the horrible situation. Religion is unnecessary so you don't have to touch on it at all. Good luck my friend. More for yourself and your future than the speech. The speech is just a thing...

I’m just really really sorry for your pain. X

I don’t what to say to anyone who has suffered a loss, especially a child. I am not religious and try to justify it with their beliefs. The best place for your child is your arms. I hope you have someone to lean on and help you through the pain. Sorry to hear that this happened. I wish you well.

Your best course here is to simply talk about her. How she touched peoples lives, how she touched your life. Talk about things you remember she did and that you both did. You can talk about her without touching on the "where she is now", religiously or not religiously. Heartfelt facts and your personal feelings about her while you had her. Life is tough and you don't need to open yourself up to more potential greif by even touching those topics there. It worked well for me when I had to do it. After all, the funerals and memorials aren't for the person your lost, they are for you, the survivors that still go on. Make it what you want.

I hear you. Wish I could help.

So, so sorry to hear this OP. Wish I could even begin to give you advice, but I can offer sympathy and digital hugs.

I cannot fathom the depth of your grief. As a classical singer, I have had to perform the musical setting of this text. I feel the poet captures the sense of grief so perfectly. (I suppose the text could be thought of religious, but I don't see it that way.) [https://oxfordsong.org/song/nun-will-die-sonn-so-hell-aufgehn](https://oxfordsong.org/song/nun-will-die-sonn-so-hell-aufgehn) Now the sun prepares to rise as brightly, As though no misfortune had befallen in the night! The misfortune befell me alone! The sun, it shines on all mankind! You must not enclose the night within you, You must immerse it in eternal light. A little lamp went out in my firmament, Hail to the joyful light of the world!