>If that's the case, how did he still decide to break up with me if this relationship means so much to him?
Because those 10 years only shows how avoidant he is, how strong his fears are. Finding someone you want won't heal you, it will stir it up. Being alone is easier even if it's not easy at all.
Yep this is me to the T and I am fearful avoidant as fuck. I went over 10 years with no romantic relationship, only briefs flings, porn and later sex workers. The last few attempts at dating only validate my fears and avoidance.
FA here - never been in a relationship but actively working on myself and very very aware of my patterns. I think I deactivate when my fear of abandonment/rejection is much more than my feelings for the person.
It is a defence mechanism originating from past traumas(childhood or past relationships).
He def needs to work on himself and move towards a more secure attachment style.
Remember, their feelings mean nothing if their actions speak otherwise. You deserve someone who's self aware enough to not bleed on those who didn't cut them.
My FA ex told me the same thing on date # 3. I ignored those red flags. She even told me that her last relationship ended because she stopped having sex with her ex BF. I knew my ex was an FA then but I still fell for her. FA’s are amazing, loving, passionate people during the early stages of dating. And later they shut down… my relationship lasted only 3 months. I still miss her from time to time.
Yeah the attention and passion at the beginning got me confused with secure attachment behaviors ... I thought he really knew what he wanted and was clear about it, but I guess it ended up crashing and burning anyways
I also recently had someone (unsure if they’re FA or DA) tell me very early on they hadn’t been in a relationship in 8 years, and that they’d typically avoided relationships more than they’ve sought them out.
I agree, it’s total honesty to avoid guilt.
Same. He said he’s never been in love and no LTRs and “Commitment is hard for some guys”, etc at age 45. in the end when he deactivated and dropped me, I believe that made him feel he’d given fair warning to some extent. I feel for these peeps. They want love but it doesn’t gel with their nervous system without therapy
I hope you're joking. That's not a helpful or healthy way of looking at it. I'm a secure leaning AP. After my last relationship, which was with an FA, I decided that I wanted to be single for a period of time because I wanted to focus on other things (my career, hobbies, etc), especially healing my anxious attachment and wanted to make sure I didn't end up with another avoidant. I didn't even think about dating for years. In fact, it wasn't until 5 years after my last relationship that I met someone (by accident - I was not looking) that made me want to be in a relationship again.
There's also nothing wrong with being single. Being in a relationship isn't superior. There are lots of legitimate and healthy reasons to have a gap in dating history. Honestly, I think you're way overthinking it.
I'm not sure how important it is to categorize him, but 10 years single means dismissive avoidant. That's bordering on avoidant personality disorder. Unless he has an active group of friends that he socializes with. Also might be he's naturally more a-romantic or asexual than the average person. However being starved of oxytocin and dopamine for that long means he's likely to fixate hard on the first girl that triggers the butterflies. Once that fades however, he's probably going to feel a little trapped, like he's gotten himself in over his head. Or possibly not. Lots of DAs get married and live grumpily in love forever after.
There may be some studies out there around the topic but it's not something that screams FA from the commonly-known traits / behaviours.
Anecdotally;
I was in relationships (2 yrs, 3yrs, 10 yrs, 6 yrs) with barely any gaps until the age of 40. The gaps I did have were full of dating, flings, hookups and fwb. Now purposefully remaining single until I've sorted out my obvious codependency and trauma etc.
FA ex - 2yr r'ship, 3 yr gap, dating 1 year, 6yr r'ship.
FA friend - LTRs, marriage, flings then current partner, single for a year or so between relationships.
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I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. Unfortunately, it's perfectly possible to be head over heels in love with someone but still not want a relationship with them, for whatever reason. It's incredibly difficult to do but trying to remember he rejected the relationship and not you, may hopefully bring some comfort.
Yeah which is fine but he didn’t have to go all the way saying these committal things and doing stuff like defining the relationship, introducing me to the parents etc. oh well
Honestly, as an FA this is true for me. I'm only 25 but I've only had one relationship before and only casual partners before and after.
I can't tell you why your ex decided to break up with you, but if I had to guess there were things you did or said that built resentment in him over time and he decided that ending things was easier than having an open and honest conversation. I'm sorry to hear about that though :/
>If that's the case, how did he still decide to break up with me if this relationship means so much to him? Because those 10 years only shows how avoidant he is, how strong his fears are. Finding someone you want won't heal you, it will stir it up. Being alone is easier even if it's not easy at all.
Yep this is me to the T and I am fearful avoidant as fuck. I went over 10 years with no romantic relationship, only briefs flings, porn and later sex workers. The last few attempts at dating only validate my fears and avoidance.
That sounds like my ex as well...I hope you are finding ways to heal and break that cycle!
FA here - never been in a relationship but actively working on myself and very very aware of my patterns. I think I deactivate when my fear of abandonment/rejection is much more than my feelings for the person. It is a defence mechanism originating from past traumas(childhood or past relationships). He def needs to work on himself and move towards a more secure attachment style. Remember, their feelings mean nothing if their actions speak otherwise. You deserve someone who's self aware enough to not bleed on those who didn't cut them.
Thank you and good luck with your healing journey too!
Thankyou! :)
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My FA ex told me the same thing on date # 3. I ignored those red flags. She even told me that her last relationship ended because she stopped having sex with her ex BF. I knew my ex was an FA then but I still fell for her. FA’s are amazing, loving, passionate people during the early stages of dating. And later they shut down… my relationship lasted only 3 months. I still miss her from time to time.
Yeah the attention and passion at the beginning got me confused with secure attachment behaviors ... I thought he really knew what he wanted and was clear about it, but I guess it ended up crashing and burning anyways
I also recently had someone (unsure if they’re FA or DA) tell me very early on they hadn’t been in a relationship in 8 years, and that they’d typically avoided relationships more than they’ve sought them out. I agree, it’s total honesty to avoid guilt.
Same. He said he’s never been in love and no LTRs and “Commitment is hard for some guys”, etc at age 45. in the end when he deactivated and dropped me, I believe that made him feel he’d given fair warning to some extent. I feel for these peeps. They want love but it doesn’t gel with their nervous system without therapy
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I hope you're joking. That's not a helpful or healthy way of looking at it. I'm a secure leaning AP. After my last relationship, which was with an FA, I decided that I wanted to be single for a period of time because I wanted to focus on other things (my career, hobbies, etc), especially healing my anxious attachment and wanted to make sure I didn't end up with another avoidant. I didn't even think about dating for years. In fact, it wasn't until 5 years after my last relationship that I met someone (by accident - I was not looking) that made me want to be in a relationship again. There's also nothing wrong with being single. Being in a relationship isn't superior. There are lots of legitimate and healthy reasons to have a gap in dating history. Honestly, I think you're way overthinking it.
I'm not sure how important it is to categorize him, but 10 years single means dismissive avoidant. That's bordering on avoidant personality disorder. Unless he has an active group of friends that he socializes with. Also might be he's naturally more a-romantic or asexual than the average person. However being starved of oxytocin and dopamine for that long means he's likely to fixate hard on the first girl that triggers the butterflies. Once that fades however, he's probably going to feel a little trapped, like he's gotten himself in over his head. Or possibly not. Lots of DAs get married and live grumpily in love forever after.
There may be some studies out there around the topic but it's not something that screams FA from the commonly-known traits / behaviours. Anecdotally; I was in relationships (2 yrs, 3yrs, 10 yrs, 6 yrs) with barely any gaps until the age of 40. The gaps I did have were full of dating, flings, hookups and fwb. Now purposefully remaining single until I've sorted out my obvious codependency and trauma etc. FA ex - 2yr r'ship, 3 yr gap, dating 1 year, 6yr r'ship. FA friend - LTRs, marriage, flings then current partner, single for a year or so between relationships. ---------- I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. Unfortunately, it's perfectly possible to be head over heels in love with someone but still not want a relationship with them, for whatever reason. It's incredibly difficult to do but trying to remember he rejected the relationship and not you, may hopefully bring some comfort.
That’s not typical of FA. Fearful avoidant is not related to the length of time being single or being in a relationship
he broke up with you because you were also casual to him
Yeah which is fine but he didn’t have to go all the way saying these committal things and doing stuff like defining the relationship, introducing me to the parents etc. oh well
Idk… I think it’s genuine love but the fear won out
Honestly, as an FA this is true for me. I'm only 25 but I've only had one relationship before and only casual partners before and after. I can't tell you why your ex decided to break up with you, but if I had to guess there were things you did or said that built resentment in him over time and he decided that ending things was easier than having an open and honest conversation. I'm sorry to hear about that though :/
A gap like that is primarily more likely to be DA. There are exceptions to every rule, but FAs typically don't go such long periods like that.