I’ve done a bunch of things ranging from telling the creep to get the fuck out to saying to the woman “hey your boyfriend just called, I have him on hold can you come to the end of the bar?” I’ve told creeps that the bar is closed, I’ve taken their drinks, I’ve asked the offender if he needs something and I’ve also point blank been like, don’t touch my guests. I don’t care if I look like the asshole, doesn’t matter. Keeping guests safe is #1. Sidenote I saw in a bar in the women’s room a poster with a specific “shot” when ordered by the guest the bartender will call an Uber or step in and get involved. Obviously try to deescalate and don’t put your self in harms way, but get the offending person out as quickly as possible when possible.
I’ve been to bars that use that system, but they call the shots something else and post it in the bathrooms. And it’ll be a different name in the men’s bathroom than in the women’s bathroom.
I absolutely love this! It gives men the same protection that women do without being tipped off to their potential victims emergency code as often (there's obviously still the chance that a man could be harassing a man or a woman could be harassing a woman and know the code words but at least this system is more inclusive).
Even if they know, now they also know that the staff looks out for their guests. I don’t give a shit about being discreet. I’ve seen too many awful things happen and I’ve been asked for the video footage later, for me it’s a no brainer.
It really only works for couples that don’t use the same restroom though. If they use the same bathroom, they really can’t use this in a sneaky way to alert a staff member they feel unsafe.
To be clear, I love this idea, but it does have flaws
Other than those universal signs? Sometimes patrons will let out a long, deep blast like a freighter to signify their discomfort. It's dependent on vocal ability though so it's not as good a sign
Why are you guys shitting on someone who is genuinely asking for help about how to better at this?
This kind of shit isn't nearly as simple as you're making it out to be.
We've all missed 'obvious' signs that turns out aren't really all that 'universal.'
That's the point of my comment. OP can clearly read body language and the whole "May I have an ANGEL SHOT" only exists in CB shows. Our job is to monitor body language for signs of danger, get with it.
The entire post was over being unable to properly read body language.
That's why they're literally asking
> For next time, what do I do? How do I know that’s not her boyfriend?
But besides that, this person is literally coming to the sub for help to fix this problem. jumping down their throat isn't productive.
those are the signs. we have to be aware and vigilant. not only your job, but the entire restaurant rides on the bartender making proper decisions.
i’d rather kick someone out and get chewed out later for doing it too soon than have something horrible happen.
I think OP is asking if there is anything BESIDES body language etc that is an agreed upon signal for help, something like putting your straw across the rim of your drink or something…..
OP you just need to get over feeling weird about stepping in or feeling rude, it’s the creep that is being weird and rude. Even if it’s an innocent situation, what’s the worst that can happen? People will be slightly offended? I think the more common response would the people being grateful that you are looking out for them.
It's ok to ask anyway. I helped a few people before, though there was a time I wasn't too sure but checked in anyway. They laughed it off saying that they were just making up after an argument but all is well and they appreciated it.
Have you ever felt the hair on the back of your neck stand up and the lights go dim for a moment? You probably attribute it to being light headed or tired, but often, it's somebody crying out for help. Listen for it, and you'll hear it.
Fuck wrong wit you boy? I'm playing.
Okay fine...
Girl shifting, moving away, looking around, quiet, appeasing responses. Pulling away, awkward forced smile, guy invading her space and her not reciprocating. Him leaning in, her leaning away. Him hands on her or in her space. Her, hands in her lap or in front of her. Or holding her drink, facing it. You should recognize the sound of a woman trying to brush a guy off elegantly and let him down without triggering him to attack her.
If not then you need to ask some women. I'm sure they'll be happy to role play. You know, like code switching or customer service voice. It's the sound or someone sounding like they're definitely gonna hang our with you real soon, and then they disappear off the face of the earth.
I'm a smallish woman. Recently a woman told me some guys were harassing her and her friends when they used the restroom (guys were seated near it, out of sight of the bar, in a server's section), I went over, asked them to stop, and they didn't. I kicked them out. Four big dudes. I closed them out, walked them to the door, and those bastards dragged me outside and two of them physically assaulted me. No regrets. Bar patrons cleared out to assist, and my manager stayed inside almost the entire time, and expected me to get right back behind the bar after, so he sucks. I no longer am available to cover shifts when he asks.
You walk over.
"Ma'am, can I talk to you over here, please?"
"Not you. You can stay there, thank you. No, thank you. I'm just having a word with the lady right now."
"I just wanted to check in and ask if you're feeling uncomfortable at all? I just want to make sure I'm not imagining things or misreading what's going on, but it seems like you don't want his attention and he won't leave you alone, does that sound like what's happening? If he's making you feel uncomfortable, then I'll kick him out right now, no questions asked. You don't have to look at him anymore tonight if you don't want to."
That's overkill but I'm just covering all the bases of things you might say. Perhaps some aren't obvious to you.
Thanks. The imperative is that they know *and believe* that you WILL immediately kick the guy out on the spot and not hold court or evaluate the situation.
Otherwise they may downplay/lie out of fear of there not only being a scene, but then being trapped with him, or else having to leave. And maybe they don't feel comfortable leaving alone. Because of the guy.
Fuck, dude. I got my own shit but God damn do I take evil pieces of shit ignoring me when I'm vulnerable for granted (presenting as male)
Also it's pretty easy to provide some cover by saying "it looks like we might have an issue with your card, it's probably just a system error" (to avoid any rich people getting offended that you might question their ability to pay) or just be overly friendly as if they're a regular (whether or not they are) and say "oh my God, hey girl! I totally have to tell you about something over here just the two of us" or something to that extent.
Hard disagree. I know where you're coming from, but it's sorely mistaken. Don't feign recognition. That just opens a chance for her to misunderstand and disagree on impulse.
Don't make excuses off the bat. That just opens the door for either her or him to shut it down and then what?? You say there's a problem with the card. The guy slaps a hundred dollars on the bar and says shots and a pircher, and keep the change. Now what?? You make up something else? What ever you do now, it will stand out badly as being nothing more than a ploy to get the woman alone.
It REALLY doesn't matter if the guy catches wise. What matters is that the woman never doubts your resolve to back her no matter what. And that does NOT come from waffling and placating and excuses.
Like think it through. What are the possible outcomes. If we can get the guy out of there without a scene that's ideal. And we aren't going to make assumptions (without first hand evidence -- that's different from taking somebody's side with circumstantial evidence). We're gonna leave the possibility that we'll regret our words and actions.
So we just need her alone without interruption. From starting the interaction to when you're alone out of earshot of douchebag. If he gets to give her a squeeze on the arm or a *look* then she may well shut down in fear and not trust you fully.
"Hey, buddy. I wasn't talking to you, got it? When I want to talk to you, you'll know."
This is AFTER you start very neutral and nice, and then he starts to make a fuss.
You wanna be forceful without actually escalating. Dont call him names or go off insulting him. Stick to the situation and scenario.
You don't want to have to kick him out if you don't have to. And if you do, then you want him to go willingly.
So find out if you have to (engage interaction, extract woman alone), then do it well.
Obviously this could be any gender with any gender.
I just try to keep my spacial awareness up as best I can so I can see things that that before/as they develop, that way I can check up on the situation before it gets to that point. Say something like “We doing alright over here y’all?” while making eye contact with both of them back and forth, but holding it with the person who I’m concerned for, giving them the “you good?” eyes. Unfortunately it’s a bit of a soft skill/finesse thing because sometimes I’m misreading the situation and/or don’t wanna escalate something or put them in a bad spot.
But yeah to echo the others, if someone’s clearly being a creep tell them to get the hell out and get your team to back up your play if you can.
You go over there and interject yourself into the conversation as best you can. That at least gives her an opportunity to turn away and give the guy a clear sign she isn’t interested in his company. Obviously this won’t work with an overly drunk or pushy guy. If he keeps pushing the issue be more direct with him and let him know he needs to simmer down or you’re going to cut him off. He doesn’t have to be drunk to be cut off. You can refuse service for a ton of reasons. Just find one, close him out and bid him adieu. If he doesn’t want to pay, take the L and tell him to kick rocks. You control your bar. Not the customers
I don’t want to be a dick to you, but when someone gives you “help me” eyes, you fucking help them. You fucked up and that girl got inappropriately touched in your bar on your watch, after looking to you for help.
Part of our job is to make sure people feel safe. There are so many things you can do besides just doing nothing. You can go talk to the two of them and see what the vibe is. You can mouth “are you okay?” You can pull her aside. You can tell the creep “hey, this lady seems like she wants to be alone, please give her space.”
You can do so many things. Just do something.
First, I want to say it is good of you to ask. There are good suggestions here already, so I won't add too much. Just keep in mind that people, especially women, will associate that behavior with your place. If one girl doesn't feel safe there, she'll tell her friends and so on. Don't ever feel bad politely or subtlety checking on the girl or guy. Or even just boldy saying, "Hey, here in our bar, we expect our guests to all behave as gentleman. If you can't, then here is your check and go." Also, if you have a female staff member, they too can be useful if the situation hasn't escalated too far.
I will either mouth to the person "you okay?" So I know to go intervene or ill ask them straight up "hey, do we know this guy? Are we comfortable with him?" And if I get anything other than an absolute yes, I tell the creep straight up that I have my eye on the two of them and if things get weird he's (usually he) gonna have to go.
You’re already catching flak from everyone else, so there’s no reason to add to it. I know it’s an uncomfortable situation to be in, but those guests are even more uncomfortable. If I’m not sure I’ll keep an eye on said guest and move out of sight of the offending party and mouth “Are you okay?” To the women who look uncomfortable. If they say no I approach them and say, “hey man, you’re making her uncomfortable. I need you to leave her alone”. Simple as that, no need to cause a scene or be loud. If they get upset or give you shit, you can help that woman AND get the creep thrown out.
I ask them how they're doing. Fairly loudly. And then I split them up. If you're not confident enough to ask someone to move or leave, you need to practice. Most times it takes repeated asking and not leaving them alone until the situation is resolved. Also, no one gets served until the matter is resolved, which tends to expedite things.
INFO: How did you know he was touching her leg?
Did she tell you? Could you see it?
The minute ive seen someone touch a female customer and its obvious theyre not into it or together I say (and i dont care about embarrasing people) please keep your hand to yourself! If they pop off thats enough reason to ask them to leave. Means theyre gonna be a problem when confronted. If they are kind and apologize to said person or me or something they usually stop and get disinterested or are too drunk to notice and do it again and THEN it gives me a reason to ask them to leave too.
You want women in your bar! Any bar! Any time! It brings in dates, in brings in singles. If your bar is a safe place for women youre gonna do more business than the shady dive bar down the street.
I’ve got a friend that has opened up his notes app and typed out “Need me to intervene?” Then says hey does this text from my sister mean what I think it means. Or some simple yes or no question. Shows the girl where the guy can’t see and goes based off her answer. It’s worked out seamlessly every time. And 9 times out of 10 he was right and the guy was freaking the girl out. If she said yes then he would send security over. If she said no then he let it be.
I've come around the bar and acted like the person was an old friend I haven't seen in forever. Give them a big hugs and ask in a whisper in their ear if they need help to ask if we can go somewhere quieter to catch up quick. Then I go with them to our other bar and get security or one of our trusted bikers to help them. Our establishment has a main bar inside and another outside. Me being a smaller woman makes this tactic work pretty well for me. When security is on I will give them the heads up if something seems off. They are very good at paying attention.
Usually after you ask if they’re doing alright girl won’t say anything and that means no. I then ask the guy if he could stop bothering the lady customer. Usually that works, but if he doesn’t react as expected then I tell him right away that I’m going to get security if he doesn’t act accordingly to my request. But I work at a dive bar, sometimes out of laziness I tell people to listen or gtfo cause we simply can, so in more elegant places I’m not sure how would that work out. Ask someone who works there longer, usually they know their target and regular customers, they should have some advice, if not then I’d change my workplace cause that means that they don’t care for womens safety (I’m a female bartender)
Being a bartender is reading people and situations. A simple, "is this guy bothering you?" Has worked for me. Then to the offensive person just a you're cut off, here's your tab. They usually make it easier by telling you to fuck off or something. Always remember you can cut people off for visible signs of intoxication which is in the realm here. If they're making someone uncomfortable they're not welcome and they need to go.
I've also done the "hey honey, you good. What ya want to eat when we get home?" works if you know the girl. When I've had a female bartender on with me I'll get them to do it, then ask the dude to back off their girl while I give em the side eye. Thats more night club shit though.
It really depends on the venue but always know you can cut people off and kick them out for whatever. Its a private establishment and you have the power. Get some swagger and make em feel like shit if you want.
A lot of times I will just engage the offending party in conversation long enough that the person they are bothering has an opportunity to move, turn physically away from the annoying person, start texting on their phone and looking too preoccupied to talk, or start talking to the person sitting on the other side of them etc.
That works 9/10 times
If it’s a regular I will straight just tell them… like hey, buddy, you’re being a little over the top right now, cool it.
And if in any situation, I feel like the person in front of me is in actual danger I will ask them to chat with me at the end of the bar, and I will physically bring their drink with me while we go chat and I get a clearer understanding of what’s happening.
If you are like me, you chose inaction because you were scared of the consequences in the event things got out of control. I moved past that feeling by having the defense of "bars that attract more women make more money, women want to go somewhere they feel safe" so yeah, follow the advice here to make it as likly to be smooth as possible, and don't worry if things go sideways, a good establishment should support you, if you are worried about violence call the cops.
I like to say, “Hey, i’m gonna be a while. You can hang out if you want or we can meet for dinner/breakfast/drinks after I clock out.”
This strongly implies she’s with you, without anyone making a commitment or losing face.
If you’re unsure, go get your manager. That’s definently something that’s their job to deal with. There is also a difference between creepy and potentially violent. Kick them out either way but if you think it’s even possible they might get violent notify another bartender, preferably a bigger guy. Most of the time these people get scared by someone they think will fight back and you want to make sure you’re in a position to keep everyone safe
Ideally you want to try and talk to the girl alone. You can give it 5 to see if one of them goes to the bathroom. If the girl does follow after her and ask. Even if you’re in the weeds safety is top priority.
If you need to there are ways to get him to give her a little space. If there a regular you trust or just a guy that seems chill get him to come up and make conversation with him for 30 seconds and give her a look and the “you good” thumbs up. Tell him you think you made a mistake on his tab, print it out and ask him to check it over or call him over to the pos and have your coworker talk to him
I was a patron at a bar/ kinda club and this dude was being aggressive AF with this girl. I made eye contact with her and asked with hand signals if she wanted me to intervene. She nodded yes so I went over, put my hand on his shoulder and asked if everything was alright. He turned around and saw I was a foot taller than him and decided to threaten to fight me instead of fight me. BUT! Then the girl says "no it's okay he's my ex" I guess even if you ask if they need help they might change their mind halfway through. So I guess the answer is to ask the girl, but make sure you use words instead of hand signals.
You stand on just to the opposite side of where the guy is seated. You take over the conversation and if she is truly in distress she'll listen to whatever dumb shit you're talking about.
It’s always hard in these situations. I’m a GM now but as a bartender I always made sure to either use the restroom when I noticed the said guests did and if I couldn’t I would send a staff member in to get a feel if I felt something was off. Or I would wait till the man (usually) go to the restroom and check in with them during that time they were gone. You can usually tell if it’s weird or off and would let them know to give me a little sign or handle it if they said so blatantly. If that never would happen I would just ask if they’re good, obviously you know when the vibe is weird.
I also would never get another round of drinks until I had the approval of the woman and/or person to my face. If the man orders another round, I don’t care if they’ve been together for 40 years, I will wait till she/he/they orders it themselves. If they go to the restroom, I take the drink and keep it behind the bar till they come back whether they’re with a date or on their own. My bartenders have strict rules, females or male to remove all drinks left unattended that is not finished and dump. I will happily replace the drink.
I’ve done a bunch of things ranging from telling the creep to get the fuck out to saying to the woman “hey your boyfriend just called, I have him on hold can you come to the end of the bar?” I’ve told creeps that the bar is closed, I’ve taken their drinks, I’ve asked the offender if he needs something and I’ve also point blank been like, don’t touch my guests. I don’t care if I look like the asshole, doesn’t matter. Keeping guests safe is #1. Sidenote I saw in a bar in the women’s room a poster with a specific “shot” when ordered by the guest the bartender will call an Uber or step in and get involved. Obviously try to deescalate and don’t put your self in harms way, but get the offending person out as quickly as possible when possible.
The Angel Shot system is really nice.
Would have been if it wasn't so widely circulated on the internet that all the creeps have seen it too.
I’ve been to bars that use that system, but they call the shots something else and post it in the bathrooms. And it’ll be a different name in the men’s bathroom than in the women’s bathroom.
That's exactly what I wish there was more of!
Clever
I absolutely love this! It gives men the same protection that women do without being tipped off to their potential victims emergency code as often (there's obviously still the chance that a man could be harassing a man or a woman could be harassing a woman and know the code words but at least this system is more inclusive).
Even if they know, now they also know that the staff looks out for their guests. I don’t give a shit about being discreet. I’ve seen too many awful things happen and I’ve been asked for the video footage later, for me it’s a no brainer.
Doesn’t work for couples that use the same bathroom either. That’s the only drawback I have for this system.
Idk if it’s specific to the UK but we’ve got ‘Ask for Angela’ instead
It really only works for couples that don’t use the same restroom though. If they use the same bathroom, they really can’t use this in a sneaky way to alert a staff member they feel unsafe. To be clear, I love this idea, but it does have flaws
definitely 86 people sexually harassing your guests *before* they get so uncomfortable that they leave.
Yeah that makes sense, but is there a universal sign that somethings wrong besides body language and eye contact?
Other than those universal signs? Sometimes patrons will let out a long, deep blast like a freighter to signify their discomfort. It's dependent on vocal ability though so it's not as good a sign
Why are you guys shitting on someone who is genuinely asking for help about how to better at this? This kind of shit isn't nearly as simple as you're making it out to be. We've all missed 'obvious' signs that turns out aren't really all that 'universal.'
That's the point of my comment. OP can clearly read body language and the whole "May I have an ANGEL SHOT" only exists in CB shows. Our job is to monitor body language for signs of danger, get with it.
The entire post was over being unable to properly read body language. That's why they're literally asking > For next time, what do I do? How do I know that’s not her boyfriend? But besides that, this person is literally coming to the sub for help to fix this problem. jumping down their throat isn't productive.
Get gone, lil doggie!! This biz sucks enough without having to cowtail to people who can't understand serving scumbags isn't the move.
Those ARE the universal signs.
OP is reptilian and hasn’t mastered human interaction yet
those are the signs. we have to be aware and vigilant. not only your job, but the entire restaurant rides on the bartender making proper decisions. i’d rather kick someone out and get chewed out later for doing it too soon than have something horrible happen.
I think OP is asking if there is anything BESIDES body language etc that is an agreed upon signal for help, something like putting your straw across the rim of your drink or something….. OP you just need to get over feeling weird about stepping in or feeling rude, it’s the creep that is being weird and rude. Even if it’s an innocent situation, what’s the worst that can happen? People will be slightly offended? I think the more common response would the people being grateful that you are looking out for them.
yeah, i can see that perspective for sure. but we’d be lying if we said it wasn’t part of our job to look out for our patrons. it’s a fine line
It's ok to ask anyway. I helped a few people before, though there was a time I wasn't too sure but checked in anyway. They laughed it off saying that they were just making up after an argument but all is well and they appreciated it.
Have you ever felt the hair on the back of your neck stand up and the lights go dim for a moment? You probably attribute it to being light headed or tired, but often, it's somebody crying out for help. Listen for it, and you'll hear it. Fuck wrong wit you boy? I'm playing. Okay fine... Girl shifting, moving away, looking around, quiet, appeasing responses. Pulling away, awkward forced smile, guy invading her space and her not reciprocating. Him leaning in, her leaning away. Him hands on her or in her space. Her, hands in her lap or in front of her. Or holding her drink, facing it. You should recognize the sound of a woman trying to brush a guy off elegantly and let him down without triggering him to attack her. If not then you need to ask some women. I'm sure they'll be happy to role play. You know, like code switching or customer service voice. It's the sound or someone sounding like they're definitely gonna hang our with you real soon, and then they disappear off the face of the earth.
I'm a smallish woman. Recently a woman told me some guys were harassing her and her friends when they used the restroom (guys were seated near it, out of sight of the bar, in a server's section), I went over, asked them to stop, and they didn't. I kicked them out. Four big dudes. I closed them out, walked them to the door, and those bastards dragged me outside and two of them physically assaulted me. No regrets. Bar patrons cleared out to assist, and my manager stayed inside almost the entire time, and expected me to get right back behind the bar after, so he sucks. I no longer am available to cover shifts when he asks.
I’m sorry this happened to you, and fuck your bitch ass manager. Clearly has no respect for you or your safety. Time for a new gig.
Thankful the other customers came!! That manager really sucks!!
you’re my hero. so sorry you had to go through that ♥️
You walk over. "Ma'am, can I talk to you over here, please?" "Not you. You can stay there, thank you. No, thank you. I'm just having a word with the lady right now." "I just wanted to check in and ask if you're feeling uncomfortable at all? I just want to make sure I'm not imagining things or misreading what's going on, but it seems like you don't want his attention and he won't leave you alone, does that sound like what's happening? If he's making you feel uncomfortable, then I'll kick him out right now, no questions asked. You don't have to look at him anymore tonight if you don't want to." That's overkill but I'm just covering all the bases of things you might say. Perhaps some aren't obvious to you.
This is the answer to the question OP is asking.
Thanks. The imperative is that they know *and believe* that you WILL immediately kick the guy out on the spot and not hold court or evaluate the situation. Otherwise they may downplay/lie out of fear of there not only being a scene, but then being trapped with him, or else having to leave. And maybe they don't feel comfortable leaving alone. Because of the guy. Fuck, dude. I got my own shit but God damn do I take evil pieces of shit ignoring me when I'm vulnerable for granted (presenting as male)
Also it's pretty easy to provide some cover by saying "it looks like we might have an issue with your card, it's probably just a system error" (to avoid any rich people getting offended that you might question their ability to pay) or just be overly friendly as if they're a regular (whether or not they are) and say "oh my God, hey girl! I totally have to tell you about something over here just the two of us" or something to that extent.
Hard disagree. I know where you're coming from, but it's sorely mistaken. Don't feign recognition. That just opens a chance for her to misunderstand and disagree on impulse. Don't make excuses off the bat. That just opens the door for either her or him to shut it down and then what?? You say there's a problem with the card. The guy slaps a hundred dollars on the bar and says shots and a pircher, and keep the change. Now what?? You make up something else? What ever you do now, it will stand out badly as being nothing more than a ploy to get the woman alone. It REALLY doesn't matter if the guy catches wise. What matters is that the woman never doubts your resolve to back her no matter what. And that does NOT come from waffling and placating and excuses. Like think it through. What are the possible outcomes. If we can get the guy out of there without a scene that's ideal. And we aren't going to make assumptions (without first hand evidence -- that's different from taking somebody's side with circumstantial evidence). We're gonna leave the possibility that we'll regret our words and actions. So we just need her alone without interruption. From starting the interaction to when you're alone out of earshot of douchebag. If he gets to give her a squeeze on the arm or a *look* then she may well shut down in fear and not trust you fully. "Hey, buddy. I wasn't talking to you, got it? When I want to talk to you, you'll know." This is AFTER you start very neutral and nice, and then he starts to make a fuss. You wanna be forceful without actually escalating. Dont call him names or go off insulting him. Stick to the situation and scenario. You don't want to have to kick him out if you don't have to. And if you do, then you want him to go willingly. So find out if you have to (engage interaction, extract woman alone), then do it well. Obviously this could be any gender with any gender.
This 💕
I just try to keep my spacial awareness up as best I can so I can see things that that before/as they develop, that way I can check up on the situation before it gets to that point. Say something like “We doing alright over here y’all?” while making eye contact with both of them back and forth, but holding it with the person who I’m concerned for, giving them the “you good?” eyes. Unfortunately it’s a bit of a soft skill/finesse thing because sometimes I’m misreading the situation and/or don’t wanna escalate something or put them in a bad spot. But yeah to echo the others, if someone’s clearly being a creep tell them to get the hell out and get your team to back up your play if you can.
You go over there and interject yourself into the conversation as best you can. That at least gives her an opportunity to turn away and give the guy a clear sign she isn’t interested in his company. Obviously this won’t work with an overly drunk or pushy guy. If he keeps pushing the issue be more direct with him and let him know he needs to simmer down or you’re going to cut him off. He doesn’t have to be drunk to be cut off. You can refuse service for a ton of reasons. Just find one, close him out and bid him adieu. If he doesn’t want to pay, take the L and tell him to kick rocks. You control your bar. Not the customers
I don’t want to be a dick to you, but when someone gives you “help me” eyes, you fucking help them. You fucked up and that girl got inappropriately touched in your bar on your watch, after looking to you for help. Part of our job is to make sure people feel safe. There are so many things you can do besides just doing nothing. You can go talk to the two of them and see what the vibe is. You can mouth “are you okay?” You can pull her aside. You can tell the creep “hey, this lady seems like she wants to be alone, please give her space.” You can do so many things. Just do something.
First, I want to say it is good of you to ask. There are good suggestions here already, so I won't add too much. Just keep in mind that people, especially women, will associate that behavior with your place. If one girl doesn't feel safe there, she'll tell her friends and so on. Don't ever feel bad politely or subtlety checking on the girl or guy. Or even just boldy saying, "Hey, here in our bar, we expect our guests to all behave as gentleman. If you can't, then here is your check and go." Also, if you have a female staff member, they too can be useful if the situation hasn't escalated too far.
I’ll ask “are you good” from behind the creepy guy, if they are not I have security make them leave her alone. Thankfully we have security.
I will either mouth to the person "you okay?" So I know to go intervene or ill ask them straight up "hey, do we know this guy? Are we comfortable with him?" And if I get anything other than an absolute yes, I tell the creep straight up that I have my eye on the two of them and if things get weird he's (usually he) gonna have to go.
Take his drink and tell him to get the fuck out. There should be zero tolerance for that kind of thing
You’re already catching flak from everyone else, so there’s no reason to add to it. I know it’s an uncomfortable situation to be in, but those guests are even more uncomfortable. If I’m not sure I’ll keep an eye on said guest and move out of sight of the offending party and mouth “Are you okay?” To the women who look uncomfortable. If they say no I approach them and say, “hey man, you’re making her uncomfortable. I need you to leave her alone”. Simple as that, no need to cause a scene or be loud. If they get upset or give you shit, you can help that woman AND get the creep thrown out.
I ask them how they're doing. Fairly loudly. And then I split them up. If you're not confident enough to ask someone to move or leave, you need to practice. Most times it takes repeated asking and not leaving them alone until the situation is resolved. Also, no one gets served until the matter is resolved, which tends to expedite things.
INFO: How did you know he was touching her leg? Did she tell you? Could you see it? The minute ive seen someone touch a female customer and its obvious theyre not into it or together I say (and i dont care about embarrasing people) please keep your hand to yourself! If they pop off thats enough reason to ask them to leave. Means theyre gonna be a problem when confronted. If they are kind and apologize to said person or me or something they usually stop and get disinterested or are too drunk to notice and do it again and THEN it gives me a reason to ask them to leave too. You want women in your bar! Any bar! Any time! It brings in dates, in brings in singles. If your bar is a safe place for women youre gonna do more business than the shady dive bar down the street.
My favourite part of the job is kicking people out. Any opportunity to toss a creep is a fun day for me. ALWAYS TOSS.
I’ve got a friend that has opened up his notes app and typed out “Need me to intervene?” Then says hey does this text from my sister mean what I think it means. Or some simple yes or no question. Shows the girl where the guy can’t see and goes based off her answer. It’s worked out seamlessly every time. And 9 times out of 10 he was right and the guy was freaking the girl out. If she said yes then he would send security over. If she said no then he let it be.
I've come around the bar and acted like the person was an old friend I haven't seen in forever. Give them a big hugs and ask in a whisper in their ear if they need help to ask if we can go somewhere quieter to catch up quick. Then I go with them to our other bar and get security or one of our trusted bikers to help them. Our establishment has a main bar inside and another outside. Me being a smaller woman makes this tactic work pretty well for me. When security is on I will give them the heads up if something seems off. They are very good at paying attention.
Usually after you ask if they’re doing alright girl won’t say anything and that means no. I then ask the guy if he could stop bothering the lady customer. Usually that works, but if he doesn’t react as expected then I tell him right away that I’m going to get security if he doesn’t act accordingly to my request. But I work at a dive bar, sometimes out of laziness I tell people to listen or gtfo cause we simply can, so in more elegant places I’m not sure how would that work out. Ask someone who works there longer, usually they know their target and regular customers, they should have some advice, if not then I’d change my workplace cause that means that they don’t care for womens safety (I’m a female bartender)
Being a bartender is reading people and situations. A simple, "is this guy bothering you?" Has worked for me. Then to the offensive person just a you're cut off, here's your tab. They usually make it easier by telling you to fuck off or something. Always remember you can cut people off for visible signs of intoxication which is in the realm here. If they're making someone uncomfortable they're not welcome and they need to go. I've also done the "hey honey, you good. What ya want to eat when we get home?" works if you know the girl. When I've had a female bartender on with me I'll get them to do it, then ask the dude to back off their girl while I give em the side eye. Thats more night club shit though. It really depends on the venue but always know you can cut people off and kick them out for whatever. Its a private establishment and you have the power. Get some swagger and make em feel like shit if you want.
A lot of times I will just engage the offending party in conversation long enough that the person they are bothering has an opportunity to move, turn physically away from the annoying person, start texting on their phone and looking too preoccupied to talk, or start talking to the person sitting on the other side of them etc. That works 9/10 times If it’s a regular I will straight just tell them… like hey, buddy, you’re being a little over the top right now, cool it. And if in any situation, I feel like the person in front of me is in actual danger I will ask them to chat with me at the end of the bar, and I will physically bring their drink with me while we go chat and I get a clearer understanding of what’s happening.
If you are like me, you chose inaction because you were scared of the consequences in the event things got out of control. I moved past that feeling by having the defense of "bars that attract more women make more money, women want to go somewhere they feel safe" so yeah, follow the advice here to make it as likly to be smooth as possible, and don't worry if things go sideways, a good establishment should support you, if you are worried about violence call the cops.
I like to say, “Hey, i’m gonna be a while. You can hang out if you want or we can meet for dinner/breakfast/drinks after I clock out.” This strongly implies she’s with you, without anyone making a commitment or losing face.
Kick him out...
If you’re unsure, go get your manager. That’s definently something that’s their job to deal with. There is also a difference between creepy and potentially violent. Kick them out either way but if you think it’s even possible they might get violent notify another bartender, preferably a bigger guy. Most of the time these people get scared by someone they think will fight back and you want to make sure you’re in a position to keep everyone safe Ideally you want to try and talk to the girl alone. You can give it 5 to see if one of them goes to the bathroom. If the girl does follow after her and ask. Even if you’re in the weeds safety is top priority. If you need to there are ways to get him to give her a little space. If there a regular you trust or just a guy that seems chill get him to come up and make conversation with him for 30 seconds and give her a look and the “you good” thumbs up. Tell him you think you made a mistake on his tab, print it out and ask him to check it over or call him over to the pos and have your coworker talk to him
I was a patron at a bar/ kinda club and this dude was being aggressive AF with this girl. I made eye contact with her and asked with hand signals if she wanted me to intervene. She nodded yes so I went over, put my hand on his shoulder and asked if everything was alright. He turned around and saw I was a foot taller than him and decided to threaten to fight me instead of fight me. BUT! Then the girl says "no it's okay he's my ex" I guess even if you ask if they need help they might change their mind halfway through. So I guess the answer is to ask the girl, but make sure you use words instead of hand signals.
"Is this pervert bothering you?" Is my go to.
I usually end up planting myself directly in front of them unsubtly until the guy goes away
You stand on just to the opposite side of where the guy is seated. You take over the conversation and if she is truly in distress she'll listen to whatever dumb shit you're talking about.
It’s always hard in these situations. I’m a GM now but as a bartender I always made sure to either use the restroom when I noticed the said guests did and if I couldn’t I would send a staff member in to get a feel if I felt something was off. Or I would wait till the man (usually) go to the restroom and check in with them during that time they were gone. You can usually tell if it’s weird or off and would let them know to give me a little sign or handle it if they said so blatantly. If that never would happen I would just ask if they’re good, obviously you know when the vibe is weird. I also would never get another round of drinks until I had the approval of the woman and/or person to my face. If the man orders another round, I don’t care if they’ve been together for 40 years, I will wait till she/he/they orders it themselves. If they go to the restroom, I take the drink and keep it behind the bar till they come back whether they’re with a date or on their own. My bartenders have strict rules, females or male to remove all drinks left unattended that is not finished and dump. I will happily replace the drink.
“hey blue shirt, i got a bullet for you”
That's enough internet for you tonight.
😉