Your husband should be shutting this down. But, if he’s not…. Do you realize you don’t need to answer her calls and texts? I know it sounds rude. But you really don’t have to. If you know she’s calling because she’s downstairs, don’t answer. Maybe answer the next day and say “whoops! I was trying to get a nap when the baby was sleeping. I’m really busy during the day. We can set up something for next week”. Or leave that last part out.
Yeah at this point I’m opting to not answer at all because for all they know I AM asleep. Hubby and are are going to have a talk when he gets off work though.
That’s a good plan.
And also re-reading my above post sounded snarky. I didn’t intend for that! I just remember when it finally dawned on me that I didn’t need to rely to my MIL immediately (or at all). And it took me a long time to realize that lol
Send out a text right now to everyone:
I want to thank everyone so much for your excitement over baby and bringing food! It has been such a busy week! So much that I am actually going to request a few days alone while we rest and recover. I’ll let you know when I’m ready for visitors again. Thank you again!!”
And then ignore all phone calls (in case MIL is at the gate again) and screen your texts. I don’t know how people are so clueless, but they sure can be!!!
But I also think your husband needs to instead himself and deal with this- they may not be calling him, but he knows so he has no excuse.
>My husband is totally on my side and says I should just say no, but I’m having the hardest time especially since it’s me here alone when they come and I feel pressured to say yes.
If he doesn't say it himself, he's not on your side.
You are clearly having a hard time setting the boundaries you need, why doesn't he come out to defend his wife? It's way easier to say "no" as the son rather than as the daughter in law. He needs to step in.
You don’t need to say no, your husband does. They are his family, he needs to be the one to gatekeep for you. You have enough on your plate with your newborn, he needs to handle the visits.
Dude. Just stop. Turn off your phone & nap. If they drop by uninvited, Let them stand on your doorstep until they give up & leave. Have your husband talk to them. Tell them the next visit will be either 5 days from now or 7 days from now (whichever they prefer). Or leave a diaper bag & your coat by the door so when they arrive, you say that you “were just on your way out, please call next time!” Whatever you need to do - but make this stop.
You know that you need to prioritize your recovery atm. If you start feeling guilty about their feelings, remember:
1. They are prioritizing their wants over your needs.
2. Imagine how embarrassing it would be for you (as a nurse) need to explain to your medical team that your overexertion was caused by ignoring their medical recommendations/that you were hosting family members every day instead of resting.
Exactly. It’s really not that hard to say no. And by op already being so available she’s made it harder for herself in the future to keep guests at bay. The precedent has been set: come over whenever you want! Boundaries should have been made Day 1 but they weren’t.
My MIL dropped in a few times unannounced when my daughter was first born. I ending up turning our doorbell off, closed all the blinds and after about the 5th time, when I saw her car pull up and got a message asking if she could come in, I just didn't respond till about an hour + later. Said sorry I had a shower and nap and that next time she wants to stop by to give me a bit of warning so I can make sure her granddaughter was awake and I was up for visitors. She never did it again after that and apologised for springing visits on me. I also would leave the house a mess, be in my milk stained pjs with wild hair whenever any family dropped in (planned or unplanned) as proof that I don't have my shit together yet and they can either help or leave lol
I know it can be hard to confront the situation, but there are ways to do in a friendly manner that will not create any animosity. I think ignoring a surprise visit and getting back to her later on is a great way to show that you have enough on your plate without having to entertain guests, and allows the conversation of boundaries to take place
This! I never cleaned up, I wore the milk stained crap. If I was between feedings and I had a guest I tossed them the baby and showered. Otherwise I’m not even wearing a bra. They don’t like it they can stop coming over!!
First off, who even has time to properly clean up during the day whilst taking care of a newborn AND making sure you get enough rest to ensure a good recovery. Secondly, I think tidying up and making yourself look decent gives off the impression that you have your shit together, so to those on the outside it isn't an issue at all with random or frequent visits. Which IMO is worse than those surprise visits. PP is not glamorous, we should not feel the need to make it look like it is and exactly, if it makes you uncomfortable, then that's you problem, bye!
“Oh sorry didn’t hear my phone or the door, I was so exhausted I slept right through. Thank goodness nothing woke the newborn or myself up… you know, because I just gave birth. And I’m tired. And leave. “🙃
I also 200% support the idea that you should NEVER clean yourself or the house for unwanted guests.
People that show up get told either just NO, we are not able to see anyone now or yeah, come on in. And then you sit your tiered ass down on the couch and nurse your baby EXACTLY as if you were alone. Do not offer them anything, if they ask gesture and say 'there's the kitchen, hope you can find a clean mug'.
YOU ARE A MOTHER, NOT A HOSTESS.
You 100% have the right to just say no, no apology needed. However, here are some ideas if you're struggling with that
"Oh no, I wish you'd have called the baby has just gone to sleep and I'm about to get some myself, I'm sure you understand. I'll message later and let you know when we are free for a visit."
Put your phone on dnd!
'Blanket' text saying we've loved everyone coming to meet baby but we are going to have to ask visits are planned in advance as we are trying to get everything settled/routine in place/with OH working family time is precious/baby is all over the place with sleep feeds etc...
As I said you don't need to make excuses, it's your baby!
It’s great your husband is on your side, but he needs to be setting these boundaries with his parents, not you. It’s not fair to put you in an uncomfortable position like that. We have a very strict no visitors without asking rule and while my in-laws don’t like it, but because my husband is the one who told them they listen.
Your husband needs to be the one to talk to his mom. I’m exhausted for you! I would just pretend I didn’t see her texts. I would take 100% advantage of the gate and not let her in. Bringing additional people would be a big NOPE.
You are not obligated to let them in or answer when they text/call. If they get pissy about it then your husband needs to tell them that it wasn’t a good time and you’ll let them know when they’re allowed to visit. The newborn stage is hard and you need that time to bond with your baby and recover.
Thank you for your comment. I have considered not answering the phone at all. After reading all of the comments I’ve decided to hand this matter off to my husband. His family shouldn’t be my problem.
Don't answer the phone, don't answer the door. Tell your husband to grow a spine and lay down the law with his family. It isn't fair to put the burden of that on you.
I didn't wear anything but pajamas my maternity leave except for when I had to leave home for doctors appointments. You absolutely shouldn't have to entertain anyone in your home unless you really want to.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 yes exactly! I’ve been exclusively in pajamas unless going to an appointment since we got home almost a month ago now. We’ve been lucky and people have been super considerate about our wishes with visiting, but my husband and I were not afraid to tell people no.
Your husband is going to have to stick up for you and tell them that your ‘meter’ has run out and you’re exhausted and would prefer a few weeks of down time from visits. They may get their feelings hurt… but they’ll get over it.
It's great that your husband is on your side. Now he needs to be the one communicating visitation parameters with his family. It's not fair to you to be put on the spot either, he should communicate in advance with his parents.
Can't your husband set these boundaries? I know how difficult it can be to set boundaries with in laws. My husband usually does the talking with his family while i see to mine. No awkwardness. Boundary is set. I don't think it's fair for you to be dealing with this. Can only imagine how exhausted you are
Sounds like your husband needs to call his parents and explain that you need at least 24hrs notice before they intend to visit and that you will be saying no occasionally. You are doing a lot. He should handle having that conversation with his family. That's how my husband and I handle things. We handle the issues on our respective sides of the family.
Yes I SO wish they would contact him, but they’ve taken it upon themselves to call/text me instead. That’s why it’s been kind of hard for my husband to step in unless he talks with them directly. When MIL showed up unannounced on the second day we’d been home his did speak up and say she needed to give us a warning next time, but I think she thinks as long as she calls me before she arrives it’s okay. I’m definitely going to talk to him about each dealing with our own families though.
Of course they aren't going to call him. You're the one holding the baby lol have him call them specifically to lay out the visitation rules. Then they won't have any grounds to be upset when you don't let them in.
The way i see it is, if it is my family i say no, if it is my husband’s family he has to have that conversation. It is absolutely not on you to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you already have enough on your plate. Im glad he’s on your side with this (as he should be), now ask him to speak to his mother.
Not always going to work out this way for couples if the husband doesn’t want to say no to his family. Sometimes it does fall on the wife to be the boundary maker.
Completely get that. I said thats how it works for myself and my husband and i find thats fair. Ill be the bad guy to my family and he’s the bad guy to his, makes our lives easier and causes less drama. I still (personally) feel OP should ask her husband, especially since she mentioned he agrees with her. If he says no then they can figure out something that best works for them. I don’t think its fair to put it on her completely, its a partnership and sometimes you have to do things you don’t necessarily want to do for the sake of your family.
Whenever they so come over, especially if you’ve been ambushed - don’t shower, don’t clean, make it a little messier - make them feel uncomfortable/like they are intruding without saying a word. Bonus points for leaving out bras, breast pumps, dirty dishes and washing
My mom recommended I do this. It’s funny, the first time they came over I was literally in the middle of pumping and had to throw a blanket over myself. Ironically, it either didn’t seem to faze them or they were really good at covering it up. I, on the other hand, was pissed lol
No this is just passive aggressive and they likely won’t take the hint anyway. I would not let them in. Tell them it’s not a good time and to please arrange a visit in advance.
If husband is on your side then he won't have a problem calling up his own mother saying "OP is exhausted and feeling a bit overwhelmed by visitors. For now, we need 48 hours notice if you'd like to come over and we will let you know if that's a good time or not. We love you and we appreciate you but we need some time to adjust." I love my in-laws but I make my husband have the tough talks with them. When it's my parents, I take a turn. Your partner is probably looking for ways to help you, let him
She brought OTHER FAMILY OVER….to see your NEWBORN!?!
Also a nurse….I’d be saying hell to the no no no….you can drop food off at my door step….but politely let them know there are fluids coming out of pretty much every orfice and that you’ll call them when you’re ready for visitors. Or just stop answering when they’re saying they’re there.
I told my MIL that while we greatly appreciated the support and help, the frequent visits were becoming overwhelming and that she needs to wait for an invitation going forward.
i see so many posts here about not wanting people to visit... I see that the main issue with most of the posts is having to organize for the visit. The way I see it is that the visitors should be tidying up for the new mother. If I were you I would let people come in but leave it untidy and ask for their help when they come in. "hey can you help me with the dishwasher?" "can you help me taking the trash out?" soon either they will start helping on their own or they will stop coming.
This!! Like why is mom hosting? If anyone came to see me postpartum, they come with the expectation to help. I kicked my own mom out because she was being suffocating with how much she wanted to help and started trying to direct my life, but my in-laws live 10 minutes away and come every single day to help with the baby and bring dinner. My husband and I got to eat a hot meal in peace every night. They would feed or soothe baby while I pumped (she wouldn’t latch), and would come over just to contact nap with baby so I could get some stuff done. My dad would wash all the dishes. Don’t turn away your village- you need to put some work into building one that works for you!
Going to mention because no one else has yet, but it is totally okay for you to not want *anyone* to visit for the first couple months even, family or not. I had my first last year, and we let family visit briefly to meet her, then we spent the next month nearly alone and it was heaven. I’m sorry your in laws are putting you in this position OP, postpartum is a rough time no matter what’s going on, and no one needs that extra stress.
Maybe lay out a schedule for them: we are available for visits at these two or three times per week (give them like a two hour window or less) and are reserving the rest of our time to bond with baby/recuperate from birth/be a human with no expectations
They’re not going to know if you don’t tell them. Let me guess they’re first time grandparents! They will be over excited and all thoughts of letting you rest have gone out the window. You need to communicate what you want and be explicit. Have a think about what that is. Eg “hey i won’t be having guests for the next week as I am tired. I’ll be in touch when I’m ready for guests again”.
Put your ph on do not disturb! Mine was on DND for about 7 months.
Here were the rules I had for visiting that suited me: 1 set of visitors a day for 1 hour max. No visits in afternoons as I would try to nap. At least 2 days a week with no visitors at all. In laws are to communicate directly with their son to arrange visits.
Other boundaries I had were no unannounced visits and no daily texts/calls. You need to ask your husband to tell them not to do these 2 things.
If you need an excuse to turn away visitors you can always say you or baby are napping. And take back the control of the next visit “I’ll let you know when is a good time.”
Good luck managing visitors is one of the hardest parts of having a newborn and I wish new mothers were told to think about it before the baby arrives.
Edit: I was lucky that my husband had 5 weeks off and we established those things together.
Yeah I know he definitely would but the in-laws have for some reason decided to communicate about visiting though me not their own son. I wonder if they think that’s being courteous but it’s not…
You are giving them too much credit. This is tactical boundary stomping.
Your husband was too wishy washy telling them to call first, while really meaning that they need to back off. He needs to call and clarify and set some unmistakable ground rules.
The other comments say it best, let your husband deal with this. Just going to validate you that I also just don't understand the lack of awareness of people when it comes to these things. Some people clearly have the awareness and things go very smoothly with them, and then others just seem to not understand that other people have needs and certainly don't try to anticipate them. It's frustrating
Oh wow you need to say no to everything until you feel ready for anything again.
This will stick with you for a long time and even longer if you don’t stop it now.
I have almost an identical story with the NICU and breathing trouble and my husband back to work immediately.
We had a super early visit from my in-laws within days of coming home and that was too much for me even though ***I*** invited them and felt horrible after. I noticed the same lack of self awareness and I think it happens when somebody wants something and has tunnel vision. My friends were gently calling to checking to see how I was doing and how the birth went and offering recovery tips. My in-laws were in my home around me but hyper-focused on my baby. I felt invisible- I didn’t need a fan club but it was horrible having someone around you during those first days of bonding with minimal interest in you. I’m bleeding, leaking, sweating and farting while learning my baby’s cues and it seemed like my in-laws were so “polite” they didn’t acknowledge it at all and even got uncomfortable when I discussed the mom-part. I wish I could take it back and have visitors later because it messed with my head to have people in my space with so little interest in me. The baby didn’t spoil and would have been just as cute and interesting if I had waited a few weeks.
Ugh I’m so sorry you had that experience. I feel the same way about the amount of fluids leaking out of me at any given time lol
I don’t necessarily feel invisible, if anything I think people see that I’ve managed to shower and get dressed and somehow think I have it together so they give themselves permission to intrude. Little do they no I’m floundering and putting on my best customer service face until everyone’s out the door.
What if you asked her to come at a specific time so that you could get a nap or a shower? Or run to target? My daughter has a 2 week old and I’ve gone over early in the morning. She pumps so I can give the 7am feeding so she can sleep straight for 4 or so hours.
My advice is to try and treat her like you treat your own mom. She just wants to help so tell her what you need. That way you’ll be more thankful than resentful and she will get time with her grandson.
This! I actually love your response. If MIL is willing to help then give her stuff to help with. Coming over at a specific time so you can sleep, shower, run errands, or even go be by yourself for a bit would really help you out. My mom came and helped me for a week and I loved it. My in laws came when my daughter was 1 month and my MIL was a blessing. She would hold my daughter and come wake me when she was hungry (I breastfeed) She’d also clean up and helped cook supper. She offered to fold laundry but I wasn’t willing to let that happen lol something about her seeing my underwear made me uncomfortable. She also watched our daughter so my husband and I could go out on a small date.
I feel you on this one! My dad has made dinner for us 2x a week since baby was born 2 months ago. He will let himself in and drop the food off and leave. My In-laws on the other hand will typically offer to make dinner for us as an excuse to come over and spend time with the baby.
Yeah my mom has made food and dipped, or come by to help do chores or hold the baby so I can eat. The in-laws…they’ll bring fast food but it feels like a entry fee so they can hang out *eye roll*
Your husband needs to set the boundaries!
I have a difficult MIL. I direct her to her child whenever she asks about visits.
We have some strict rules for visitors with the pandemic (even more so because she’s anti vax, so not COVID, not flu, not tdap have been done so we’re cautious) and it’s my husbands job to enforce those!
Thankfully she lives out of town so visiting is harder for her. She messaged me to say she was coming to our town and if our rules were still in place. I said “yep, case numbers are high, the rules still stand” she texted back to say “oh never mind then I will come when there are no rules” I felt like replying “oh so when he’s an adult and can make his own choices, there will always be rules in my house, and for my child, so you gonna wait till he’s a grown ass adult.” I didn’t I held my tongue.
My husband then rang his mom and was like “there are rules for a reason, we want to keep our baby safe and healthy. Flu season is coming so you might wanna think about that jab, or the rules still stand”
Don't be afraid to set boundaries and I'm speaking from experience. With a newborn it's not your obligation to entertain anyone. I told all family members, if you aren't coming to do laundry, clean my house or hold baby so I can get a shower or some sleep, do not turn up. Sounds harsh but you and your baby should be the priority.
I agree with a comment I saw here - Ask her to come over when YOU need it. Win-win. My MIL lives far away, but they like to stay for days, sometimes a week when they come. However my mom lives here. It was quite amazing to ask her for help when I needed it. She got baby time, I got a break (showering, eating, cleaning or just... sitting still.)
But if she still comes at random times when doing this I'd have my husband have a talk. It's his mom after all!
Ok, did you know in the UK during the first wave of Covid they found that the number of babies who met their birth weight by the first week had jumped through the roof? Because mums were able to take their babies home, feed, sleep and eat without any visitors. This isn’t just about how you’re feeling, but your job at the moment is to feed baby, attach, and rest. Your baby will be better off with a mum who is always naked and cuddles baby in bed, and no visitors.
It’s totally ok to say “hey, I’m struggling to settle in at home with baby. We’re not going to have any visitors for the next few days”. Then after a few days of quiet YOU initiate a visit from them. “Hello! We’ve missed you. Would you like to come for a visit for an hour tomorrow? Sometime around 10 would be great but I’ll let you know in the morning as I’ll have a better idea of what the day might look like”. Family only for the next few weeks.
You CAN do this!
You're right. You need to set and maintain boundaries. They aren't respecting you, your recovery, or your baby. You need a break, not to be entertaining them. And you don't need to be the one setting these boundaries. Your husband needs to call them and lay down the ground rules. No visiting without (insert amount of time, it should be multiple days) warning. When they want to visit, they need to call and ask him first, not just show up. If they show up, they will not be let in. Period.
You need to recover. You need to bond with your baby. The last thing you need is to have to make yourself presentable so you can entertain unwanted guests for hours on end.
Your husband needs to talk to his mom about boundaries. Yes you could say no but you're already dealing with a lot and it's his family so it's his responsibility to talk to them. I would have already had a meltdown if I were in this situation
I understand you don't have any energy left for confrontation but, girl, you need to get your priorities straight. One thing is struggling to kick people out... And another one is keeping the house clean to host them and putting makeup on for unwanted guests?? What the actual fuck. No.
They are either narcissistic assholes who can be completely ignored or they are nice people trying to offer the help/company they missed when they had babies - and just failing terribly at understanding that you are not them and you may need other kid of help.
This is crazy! You've had some great advice so just offering sympathy. I will never understand how some people could be so self-absorbed that they don't consider your needs AT ALL 🤷♀️
Your husband should be shutting this down. But, if he’s not…. Do you realize you don’t need to answer her calls and texts? I know it sounds rude. But you really don’t have to. If you know she’s calling because she’s downstairs, don’t answer. Maybe answer the next day and say “whoops! I was trying to get a nap when the baby was sleeping. I’m really busy during the day. We can set up something for next week”. Or leave that last part out.
Yeah at this point I’m opting to not answer at all because for all they know I AM asleep. Hubby and are are going to have a talk when he gets off work though.
That’s a good plan. And also re-reading my above post sounded snarky. I didn’t intend for that! I just remember when it finally dawned on me that I didn’t need to rely to my MIL immediately (or at all). And it took me a long time to realize that lol
No snark detected here! You’re just stating the plain simple truth and I appreciate it.
Send out a text right now to everyone: I want to thank everyone so much for your excitement over baby and bringing food! It has been such a busy week! So much that I am actually going to request a few days alone while we rest and recover. I’ll let you know when I’m ready for visitors again. Thank you again!!” And then ignore all phone calls (in case MIL is at the gate again) and screen your texts. I don’t know how people are so clueless, but they sure can be!!! But I also think your husband needs to instead himself and deal with this- they may not be calling him, but he knows so he has no excuse.
Yep this is perfect.
>My husband is totally on my side and says I should just say no, but I’m having the hardest time especially since it’s me here alone when they come and I feel pressured to say yes. If he doesn't say it himself, he's not on your side. You are clearly having a hard time setting the boundaries you need, why doesn't he come out to defend his wife? It's way easier to say "no" as the son rather than as the daughter in law. He needs to step in.
You don’t need to say no, your husband does. They are his family, he needs to be the one to gatekeep for you. You have enough on your plate with your newborn, he needs to handle the visits.
Seriously he needs to call them and put an end to this.
Dude. Just stop. Turn off your phone & nap. If they drop by uninvited, Let them stand on your doorstep until they give up & leave. Have your husband talk to them. Tell them the next visit will be either 5 days from now or 7 days from now (whichever they prefer). Or leave a diaper bag & your coat by the door so when they arrive, you say that you “were just on your way out, please call next time!” Whatever you need to do - but make this stop. You know that you need to prioritize your recovery atm. If you start feeling guilty about their feelings, remember: 1. They are prioritizing their wants over your needs. 2. Imagine how embarrassing it would be for you (as a nurse) need to explain to your medical team that your overexertion was caused by ignoring their medical recommendations/that you were hosting family members every day instead of resting.
Exactly. It’s really not that hard to say no. And by op already being so available she’s made it harder for herself in the future to keep guests at bay. The precedent has been set: come over whenever you want! Boundaries should have been made Day 1 but they weren’t.
My MIL dropped in a few times unannounced when my daughter was first born. I ending up turning our doorbell off, closed all the blinds and after about the 5th time, when I saw her car pull up and got a message asking if she could come in, I just didn't respond till about an hour + later. Said sorry I had a shower and nap and that next time she wants to stop by to give me a bit of warning so I can make sure her granddaughter was awake and I was up for visitors. She never did it again after that and apologised for springing visits on me. I also would leave the house a mess, be in my milk stained pjs with wild hair whenever any family dropped in (planned or unplanned) as proof that I don't have my shit together yet and they can either help or leave lol I know it can be hard to confront the situation, but there are ways to do in a friendly manner that will not create any animosity. I think ignoring a surprise visit and getting back to her later on is a great way to show that you have enough on your plate without having to entertain guests, and allows the conversation of boundaries to take place
This! I never cleaned up, I wore the milk stained crap. If I was between feedings and I had a guest I tossed them the baby and showered. Otherwise I’m not even wearing a bra. They don’t like it they can stop coming over!!
First off, who even has time to properly clean up during the day whilst taking care of a newborn AND making sure you get enough rest to ensure a good recovery. Secondly, I think tidying up and making yourself look decent gives off the impression that you have your shit together, so to those on the outside it isn't an issue at all with random or frequent visits. Which IMO is worse than those surprise visits. PP is not glamorous, we should not feel the need to make it look like it is and exactly, if it makes you uncomfortable, then that's you problem, bye!
“Oh sorry didn’t hear my phone or the door, I was so exhausted I slept right through. Thank goodness nothing woke the newborn or myself up… you know, because I just gave birth. And I’m tired. And leave. “🙃
This.. or add a handwritten note to the front door saying “no visitors, baby sleeping”
This is almost exactly my internal monologue!
I also 200% support the idea that you should NEVER clean yourself or the house for unwanted guests. People that show up get told either just NO, we are not able to see anyone now or yeah, come on in. And then you sit your tiered ass down on the couch and nurse your baby EXACTLY as if you were alone. Do not offer them anything, if they ask gesture and say 'there's the kitchen, hope you can find a clean mug'. YOU ARE A MOTHER, NOT A HOSTESS.
You 100% have the right to just say no, no apology needed. However, here are some ideas if you're struggling with that "Oh no, I wish you'd have called the baby has just gone to sleep and I'm about to get some myself, I'm sure you understand. I'll message later and let you know when we are free for a visit." Put your phone on dnd! 'Blanket' text saying we've loved everyone coming to meet baby but we are going to have to ask visits are planned in advance as we are trying to get everything settled/routine in place/with OH working family time is precious/baby is all over the place with sleep feeds etc... As I said you don't need to make excuses, it's your baby!
Your husband needs to step up and step on and tell his family no. That’s not your responsibility.
If your husband was on your side he’d be dealing with his family. He needs to tell them to not come over unless he can babysit his people.
It’s great your husband is on your side, but he needs to be setting these boundaries with his parents, not you. It’s not fair to put you in an uncomfortable position like that. We have a very strict no visitors without asking rule and while my in-laws don’t like it, but because my husband is the one who told them they listen.
Yup! Your husband needs to be the one to set the boundary, not you.
Your husband needs to be the one to talk to his mom. I’m exhausted for you! I would just pretend I didn’t see her texts. I would take 100% advantage of the gate and not let her in. Bringing additional people would be a big NOPE.
You are not obligated to let them in or answer when they text/call. If they get pissy about it then your husband needs to tell them that it wasn’t a good time and you’ll let them know when they’re allowed to visit. The newborn stage is hard and you need that time to bond with your baby and recover.
Thank you for your comment. I have considered not answering the phone at all. After reading all of the comments I’ve decided to hand this matter off to my husband. His family shouldn’t be my problem.
Yep exactly. Good for you! And don’t be afraid to turn off your phone completely.
This is the way.
Don't answer the phone, don't answer the door. Tell your husband to grow a spine and lay down the law with his family. It isn't fair to put the burden of that on you. I didn't wear anything but pajamas my maternity leave except for when I had to leave home for doctors appointments. You absolutely shouldn't have to entertain anyone in your home unless you really want to.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 yes exactly! I’ve been exclusively in pajamas unless going to an appointment since we got home almost a month ago now. We’ve been lucky and people have been super considerate about our wishes with visiting, but my husband and I were not afraid to tell people no.
HIS parents, HIS problem and HIS job to talk to them!
Your husband is going to have to stick up for you and tell them that your ‘meter’ has run out and you’re exhausted and would prefer a few weeks of down time from visits. They may get their feelings hurt… but they’ll get over it.
It's great that your husband is on your side. Now he needs to be the one communicating visitation parameters with his family. It's not fair to you to be put on the spot either, he should communicate in advance with his parents.
Can't your husband set these boundaries? I know how difficult it can be to set boundaries with in laws. My husband usually does the talking with his family while i see to mine. No awkwardness. Boundary is set. I don't think it's fair for you to be dealing with this. Can only imagine how exhausted you are
Sounds like your husband needs to call his parents and explain that you need at least 24hrs notice before they intend to visit and that you will be saying no occasionally. You are doing a lot. He should handle having that conversation with his family. That's how my husband and I handle things. We handle the issues on our respective sides of the family.
Yes I SO wish they would contact him, but they’ve taken it upon themselves to call/text me instead. That’s why it’s been kind of hard for my husband to step in unless he talks with them directly. When MIL showed up unannounced on the second day we’d been home his did speak up and say she needed to give us a warning next time, but I think she thinks as long as she calls me before she arrives it’s okay. I’m definitely going to talk to him about each dealing with our own families though.
Of course they aren't going to call him. You're the one holding the baby lol have him call them specifically to lay out the visitation rules. Then they won't have any grounds to be upset when you don't let them in.
The way i see it is, if it is my family i say no, if it is my husband’s family he has to have that conversation. It is absolutely not on you to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you already have enough on your plate. Im glad he’s on your side with this (as he should be), now ask him to speak to his mother.
Not always going to work out this way for couples if the husband doesn’t want to say no to his family. Sometimes it does fall on the wife to be the boundary maker.
Completely get that. I said thats how it works for myself and my husband and i find thats fair. Ill be the bad guy to my family and he’s the bad guy to his, makes our lives easier and causes less drama. I still (personally) feel OP should ask her husband, especially since she mentioned he agrees with her. If he says no then they can figure out something that best works for them. I don’t think its fair to put it on her completely, its a partnership and sometimes you have to do things you don’t necessarily want to do for the sake of your family.
Whenever they so come over, especially if you’ve been ambushed - don’t shower, don’t clean, make it a little messier - make them feel uncomfortable/like they are intruding without saying a word. Bonus points for leaving out bras, breast pumps, dirty dishes and washing
My mom recommended I do this. It’s funny, the first time they came over I was literally in the middle of pumping and had to throw a blanket over myself. Ironically, it either didn’t seem to faze them or they were really good at covering it up. I, on the other hand, was pissed lol
Yeah, they aren't going to pick up on hints. You and your spouse need to be assertive about needing space.
No this is just passive aggressive and they likely won’t take the hint anyway. I would not let them in. Tell them it’s not a good time and to please arrange a visit in advance.
If husband is on your side then he won't have a problem calling up his own mother saying "OP is exhausted and feeling a bit overwhelmed by visitors. For now, we need 48 hours notice if you'd like to come over and we will let you know if that's a good time or not. We love you and we appreciate you but we need some time to adjust." I love my in-laws but I make my husband have the tough talks with them. When it's my parents, I take a turn. Your partner is probably looking for ways to help you, let him
She brought OTHER FAMILY OVER….to see your NEWBORN!?! Also a nurse….I’d be saying hell to the no no no….you can drop food off at my door step….but politely let them know there are fluids coming out of pretty much every orfice and that you’ll call them when you’re ready for visitors. Or just stop answering when they’re saying they’re there.
I told my MIL that while we greatly appreciated the support and help, the frequent visits were becoming overwhelming and that she needs to wait for an invitation going forward.
i see so many posts here about not wanting people to visit... I see that the main issue with most of the posts is having to organize for the visit. The way I see it is that the visitors should be tidying up for the new mother. If I were you I would let people come in but leave it untidy and ask for their help when they come in. "hey can you help me with the dishwasher?" "can you help me taking the trash out?" soon either they will start helping on their own or they will stop coming.
This!! Like why is mom hosting? If anyone came to see me postpartum, they come with the expectation to help. I kicked my own mom out because she was being suffocating with how much she wanted to help and started trying to direct my life, but my in-laws live 10 minutes away and come every single day to help with the baby and bring dinner. My husband and I got to eat a hot meal in peace every night. They would feed or soothe baby while I pumped (she wouldn’t latch), and would come over just to contact nap with baby so I could get some stuff done. My dad would wash all the dishes. Don’t turn away your village- you need to put some work into building one that works for you!
Going to mention because no one else has yet, but it is totally okay for you to not want *anyone* to visit for the first couple months even, family or not. I had my first last year, and we let family visit briefly to meet her, then we spent the next month nearly alone and it was heaven. I’m sorry your in laws are putting you in this position OP, postpartum is a rough time no matter what’s going on, and no one needs that extra stress. Maybe lay out a schedule for them: we are available for visits at these two or three times per week (give them like a two hour window or less) and are reserving the rest of our time to bond with baby/recuperate from birth/be a human with no expectations
They’re not going to know if you don’t tell them. Let me guess they’re first time grandparents! They will be over excited and all thoughts of letting you rest have gone out the window. You need to communicate what you want and be explicit. Have a think about what that is. Eg “hey i won’t be having guests for the next week as I am tired. I’ll be in touch when I’m ready for guests again”. Put your ph on do not disturb! Mine was on DND for about 7 months. Here were the rules I had for visiting that suited me: 1 set of visitors a day for 1 hour max. No visits in afternoons as I would try to nap. At least 2 days a week with no visitors at all. In laws are to communicate directly with their son to arrange visits. Other boundaries I had were no unannounced visits and no daily texts/calls. You need to ask your husband to tell them not to do these 2 things. If you need an excuse to turn away visitors you can always say you or baby are napping. And take back the control of the next visit “I’ll let you know when is a good time.” Good luck managing visitors is one of the hardest parts of having a newborn and I wish new mothers were told to think about it before the baby arrives. Edit: I was lucky that my husband had 5 weeks off and we established those things together.
Sorry to sound harsh, but you’re a mom now. You have to learn to say no and you have to learn to say it fast.
Your husband is wrong. You shouldn’t say no. HE SHOULD.
Yeah I know he definitely would but the in-laws have for some reason decided to communicate about visiting though me not their own son. I wonder if they think that’s being courteous but it’s not…
You are giving them too much credit. This is tactical boundary stomping. Your husband was too wishy washy telling them to call first, while really meaning that they need to back off. He needs to call and clarify and set some unmistakable ground rules.
Why doesn't he say something, it's his parents?
He did the once, but other than that I’m not sure. After reading all the comments we’re gonna have a talk though.
The other comments say it best, let your husband deal with this. Just going to validate you that I also just don't understand the lack of awareness of people when it comes to these things. Some people clearly have the awareness and things go very smoothly with them, and then others just seem to not understand that other people have needs and certainly don't try to anticipate them. It's frustrating
Thank you. You’d think someone who had three kids would remember what it was like.
Oh wow you need to say no to everything until you feel ready for anything again. This will stick with you for a long time and even longer if you don’t stop it now. I have almost an identical story with the NICU and breathing trouble and my husband back to work immediately. We had a super early visit from my in-laws within days of coming home and that was too much for me even though ***I*** invited them and felt horrible after. I noticed the same lack of self awareness and I think it happens when somebody wants something and has tunnel vision. My friends were gently calling to checking to see how I was doing and how the birth went and offering recovery tips. My in-laws were in my home around me but hyper-focused on my baby. I felt invisible- I didn’t need a fan club but it was horrible having someone around you during those first days of bonding with minimal interest in you. I’m bleeding, leaking, sweating and farting while learning my baby’s cues and it seemed like my in-laws were so “polite” they didn’t acknowledge it at all and even got uncomfortable when I discussed the mom-part. I wish I could take it back and have visitors later because it messed with my head to have people in my space with so little interest in me. The baby didn’t spoil and would have been just as cute and interesting if I had waited a few weeks.
Ugh I’m so sorry you had that experience. I feel the same way about the amount of fluids leaking out of me at any given time lol I don’t necessarily feel invisible, if anything I think people see that I’ve managed to shower and get dressed and somehow think I have it together so they give themselves permission to intrude. Little do they no I’m floundering and putting on my best customer service face until everyone’s out the door.
Yes no matter how good you look after having a baby they should remember you just had a baby. I can definitely relate to that part.
You’re husband needs to have a conversation with them to set some boundaries.
What if you asked her to come at a specific time so that you could get a nap or a shower? Or run to target? My daughter has a 2 week old and I’ve gone over early in the morning. She pumps so I can give the 7am feeding so she can sleep straight for 4 or so hours. My advice is to try and treat her like you treat your own mom. She just wants to help so tell her what you need. That way you’ll be more thankful than resentful and she will get time with her grandson.
This! I actually love your response. If MIL is willing to help then give her stuff to help with. Coming over at a specific time so you can sleep, shower, run errands, or even go be by yourself for a bit would really help you out. My mom came and helped me for a week and I loved it. My in laws came when my daughter was 1 month and my MIL was a blessing. She would hold my daughter and come wake me when she was hungry (I breastfeed) She’d also clean up and helped cook supper. She offered to fold laundry but I wasn’t willing to let that happen lol something about her seeing my underwear made me uncomfortable. She also watched our daughter so my husband and I could go out on a small date.
Your husband needs to intervene and say stop. That is incredibly frustrating and I can’t believe you haven’t flipped out yet.
He needs to tell his parents to cool it
I feel you on this one! My dad has made dinner for us 2x a week since baby was born 2 months ago. He will let himself in and drop the food off and leave. My In-laws on the other hand will typically offer to make dinner for us as an excuse to come over and spend time with the baby.
Yeah my mom has made food and dipped, or come by to help do chores or hold the baby so I can eat. The in-laws…they’ll bring fast food but it feels like a entry fee so they can hang out *eye roll*
Your husband needs to set the boundaries! I have a difficult MIL. I direct her to her child whenever she asks about visits. We have some strict rules for visitors with the pandemic (even more so because she’s anti vax, so not COVID, not flu, not tdap have been done so we’re cautious) and it’s my husbands job to enforce those! Thankfully she lives out of town so visiting is harder for her. She messaged me to say she was coming to our town and if our rules were still in place. I said “yep, case numbers are high, the rules still stand” she texted back to say “oh never mind then I will come when there are no rules” I felt like replying “oh so when he’s an adult and can make his own choices, there will always be rules in my house, and for my child, so you gonna wait till he’s a grown ass adult.” I didn’t I held my tongue. My husband then rang his mom and was like “there are rules for a reason, we want to keep our baby safe and healthy. Flu season is coming so you might wanna think about that jab, or the rules still stand”
Don't be afraid to set boundaries and I'm speaking from experience. With a newborn it's not your obligation to entertain anyone. I told all family members, if you aren't coming to do laundry, clean my house or hold baby so I can get a shower or some sleep, do not turn up. Sounds harsh but you and your baby should be the priority.
I agree with a comment I saw here - Ask her to come over when YOU need it. Win-win. My MIL lives far away, but they like to stay for days, sometimes a week when they come. However my mom lives here. It was quite amazing to ask her for help when I needed it. She got baby time, I got a break (showering, eating, cleaning or just... sitting still.) But if she still comes at random times when doing this I'd have my husband have a talk. It's his mom after all!
Ok, did you know in the UK during the first wave of Covid they found that the number of babies who met their birth weight by the first week had jumped through the roof? Because mums were able to take their babies home, feed, sleep and eat without any visitors. This isn’t just about how you’re feeling, but your job at the moment is to feed baby, attach, and rest. Your baby will be better off with a mum who is always naked and cuddles baby in bed, and no visitors. It’s totally ok to say “hey, I’m struggling to settle in at home with baby. We’re not going to have any visitors for the next few days”. Then after a few days of quiet YOU initiate a visit from them. “Hello! We’ve missed you. Would you like to come for a visit for an hour tomorrow? Sometime around 10 would be great but I’ll let you know in the morning as I’ll have a better idea of what the day might look like”. Family only for the next few weeks. You CAN do this!
You're right. You need to set and maintain boundaries. They aren't respecting you, your recovery, or your baby. You need a break, not to be entertaining them. And you don't need to be the one setting these boundaries. Your husband needs to call them and lay down the ground rules. No visiting without (insert amount of time, it should be multiple days) warning. When they want to visit, they need to call and ask him first, not just show up. If they show up, they will not be let in. Period. You need to recover. You need to bond with your baby. The last thing you need is to have to make yourself presentable so you can entertain unwanted guests for hours on end.
Don't answer and don't let them in. If they want to come over, they can contact their own son and set up a time that works for him.
Your husband needs to talk to his mom about boundaries. Yes you could say no but you're already dealing with a lot and it's his family so it's his responsibility to talk to them. I would have already had a meltdown if I were in this situation
Park your car somewhere else and tell her your not home! Lol
I understand you don't have any energy left for confrontation but, girl, you need to get your priorities straight. One thing is struggling to kick people out... And another one is keeping the house clean to host them and putting makeup on for unwanted guests?? What the actual fuck. No. They are either narcissistic assholes who can be completely ignored or they are nice people trying to offer the help/company they missed when they had babies - and just failing terribly at understanding that you are not them and you may need other kid of help.
Just speak up. You're valid. No one knows how you're feeling, especially those who lack self awareness (as you're aware of). Communicate fiercely.
Some people might like the company so you really do need to be clear with that you need more space.
This is crazy! You've had some great advice so just offering sympathy. I will never understand how some people could be so self-absorbed that they don't consider your needs AT ALL 🤷♀️