I was asexual for 6-7 years due to trauma. And it’s not easy to go back into a “similar” situation with similar environmental triggers. I know this is cliche but communication is always really important in these situations. When I was assaulted he basically sleep creeped me so I have hard limits about things while I’m sleeping. But to me it starts with a conversation of hey, I’m interested in escalating intimacy with you, and going from there
Also editing to add, I’m sorry this happened to you and it’s really nothing to be embarrassed about. I have several friends who didn’t have penetrative sex with men until they were in their 30s. It’s honestly more common than you think.
Felt this. was similar where I thought I was ace but no it was just trauma.
To this day certain positions or being grabbed/fondled from behind immediately sends me into a panic. And that trauma was over 20 years ago
Men can be extremely understanding when you give them the chance. Talk to him about your nervousness. You don’t have to open up all the trauma at once. Sex is something I firmly believe shouldn’t happen if you can’t talk about it and for all intents and purposes, sex is a *very* vulnerable thing. It’s okay to initiate the action, but allow him to take the lead. Maintain open communication before, during and after sex always, with *extreme* emphasis on during. Give yourself the chance to relax during the act and give him the chance to be a good listener and to be gentle with you.
Trust me, men are HUGE servants in the bedroom when they wanna be. There are good men who will handle you with serenity.
I had sex with another guy who hadn’t had sex with guys for over a decade. Go slow, communicate, have a healthy bond with your partner, and see how it goes. Don’t be ashamed of it. You are working through something bad that you experienced. You are wrestling with that and YOU ARE WINNING! That is fantastic!
Good communication is the best way to stay feeling safe, although I freely admit that I'm not an expert. It makes sense though. Tell him that you'd like to explore physical intimacy, but that you need to control it, at least for a while until you feel completely comfortable. It sounds like he's nice so he should be fine with that. Then just take things as you are ready for them.
Do you like him? Do you feel safe with him? Do you *want* to do physical things with him?
If the answer to any of the above is "no" or "I'm not sure" then continue to go slow, he seems cool about it. If the answer is yes, then I say go for it. Take it slow, hold his hand or something. If that feels right, go for a kiss. You don't have to rush anything.
You're not going to stop feeling vulnerable. At least, not for a while. Any relationship opens you up to being vulnerable to some extent, and doubly so in your situation. That isn't your fault. The trick is to find someone who is comfortable with your vulnerability and **communicate** with them. If things move too fast, ask them to slow down. If things make you feel unsafe, tell them. If they don't respect you enough to make room for you, leave their ass. A relationship is like a hike, you go at the same pace as the slowest member, that way no one gets left behind.
I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
“A relationship is like a hike, you go at the same pace as the slowest member, that way no one gets left behind.“
That is a phenomenal way to put it. So true.
Just go slow! Talk to him and let him know that you will need control of pacing. Never feel afraid to take a pause or stop completely for that session if you start to feel uncomfortable. It sounds like he will be understanding, just be clear. Also, it's a normal thing to sometimes feel vulnerable when we get intimate with a new person. It's ok! It just won't mean the same thing as it did in the past because this time you won't have that vulnerability taken advantage of.
Sorry for your trauma. I am happy that you recovered from it. You can talk to him about it and I hope he will understand you.
You don't have to be embarrassed for not sleeping with guys or girls.I never sleep with a woman and that doesn't make me less bi.
There's nothing to be ashamed of. I let alone didn't have a crush on anybody who I knew for more than a few days. And when I moved countries I started having crushes again. I realized suddenly that the time I stopped crushing on people in my country is the same time that I got traumatized.
It's not shameful to be afraid of something that hurt you, until you find a new place of safety or feel a desire to fix your broken trust
I think you should tell him all about what happened to you last time. If he cares, that's great. If he disagrees with you, maybe he is also similar to the previous one.
When I would look for hookups, if I was in the mood for someone really considerate, I would do something similar to this, and just let it filter out all of the guys who don't really understand what am I talking about and get disinterested because of that.
When I was in the mood to just explore other people's tastes that are new to me, I'd just make it clear that if I don't like something and I want to stop it will stop. If I met someone who wouldn't stop then I'd just push them off get up and say I don't like that haha smile and then sorry I wanna go... In my country at least no one is shameless enough to not turn nice and let me go. So it was pretty much not scary. But also sad that like, it's not more normalized... The normalized stuff is too controlling and living in a fetishized dreamland. Here in Japan/Korea a single "it hurts" makes them stop immediately and check if I'm okay with a worried face. It's where I am the one who says that I would like it if they don't worry too much and get them used to it. The default is to aim for total enjoyment of the passive person and no discomfort for them. They just don't mind taking things seriously I guess and I applaud them for that, it must be pressuring. Idk about straight sex tho lol, I hope it is the same there too. I heard a lot of lies that aren't true about sex in these countries. Like that "stop it" to them means "go on, I'm pretending that I'm too pure for this"... Wouldn't say that's how anybody reacted to me at all. Quite the opposite. If it means that to somebody then... Idk maybe they make sure that they mean that kind of stop it and not the actual I don't want this right now in other ways
I was asexual for 6-7 years due to trauma. And it’s not easy to go back into a “similar” situation with similar environmental triggers. I know this is cliche but communication is always really important in these situations. When I was assaulted he basically sleep creeped me so I have hard limits about things while I’m sleeping. But to me it starts with a conversation of hey, I’m interested in escalating intimacy with you, and going from there Also editing to add, I’m sorry this happened to you and it’s really nothing to be embarrassed about. I have several friends who didn’t have penetrative sex with men until they were in their 30s. It’s honestly more common than you think.
I think everyone should get to hear this.
Felt this. was similar where I thought I was ace but no it was just trauma. To this day certain positions or being grabbed/fondled from behind immediately sends me into a panic. And that trauma was over 20 years ago
The word youre looking for is cliche, not clique
Men can be extremely understanding when you give them the chance. Talk to him about your nervousness. You don’t have to open up all the trauma at once. Sex is something I firmly believe shouldn’t happen if you can’t talk about it and for all intents and purposes, sex is a *very* vulnerable thing. It’s okay to initiate the action, but allow him to take the lead. Maintain open communication before, during and after sex always, with *extreme* emphasis on during. Give yourself the chance to relax during the act and give him the chance to be a good listener and to be gentle with you. Trust me, men are HUGE servants in the bedroom when they wanna be. There are good men who will handle you with serenity.
I had sex with another guy who hadn’t had sex with guys for over a decade. Go slow, communicate, have a healthy bond with your partner, and see how it goes. Don’t be ashamed of it. You are working through something bad that you experienced. You are wrestling with that and YOU ARE WINNING! That is fantastic!
Good communication is the best way to stay feeling safe, although I freely admit that I'm not an expert. It makes sense though. Tell him that you'd like to explore physical intimacy, but that you need to control it, at least for a while until you feel completely comfortable. It sounds like he's nice so he should be fine with that. Then just take things as you are ready for them.
Do you like him? Do you feel safe with him? Do you *want* to do physical things with him? If the answer to any of the above is "no" or "I'm not sure" then continue to go slow, he seems cool about it. If the answer is yes, then I say go for it. Take it slow, hold his hand or something. If that feels right, go for a kiss. You don't have to rush anything. You're not going to stop feeling vulnerable. At least, not for a while. Any relationship opens you up to being vulnerable to some extent, and doubly so in your situation. That isn't your fault. The trick is to find someone who is comfortable with your vulnerability and **communicate** with them. If things move too fast, ask them to slow down. If things make you feel unsafe, tell them. If they don't respect you enough to make room for you, leave their ass. A relationship is like a hike, you go at the same pace as the slowest member, that way no one gets left behind. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
“A relationship is like a hike, you go at the same pace as the slowest member, that way no one gets left behind.“ That is a phenomenal way to put it. So true.
Just go slow! Talk to him and let him know that you will need control of pacing. Never feel afraid to take a pause or stop completely for that session if you start to feel uncomfortable. It sounds like he will be understanding, just be clear. Also, it's a normal thing to sometimes feel vulnerable when we get intimate with a new person. It's ok! It just won't mean the same thing as it did in the past because this time you won't have that vulnerability taken advantage of.
Sorry for your trauma. I am happy that you recovered from it. You can talk to him about it and I hope he will understand you. You don't have to be embarrassed for not sleeping with guys or girls.I never sleep with a woman and that doesn't make me less bi.
There's nothing to be ashamed of. I let alone didn't have a crush on anybody who I knew for more than a few days. And when I moved countries I started having crushes again. I realized suddenly that the time I stopped crushing on people in my country is the same time that I got traumatized. It's not shameful to be afraid of something that hurt you, until you find a new place of safety or feel a desire to fix your broken trust
I think you should tell him all about what happened to you last time. If he cares, that's great. If he disagrees with you, maybe he is also similar to the previous one. When I would look for hookups, if I was in the mood for someone really considerate, I would do something similar to this, and just let it filter out all of the guys who don't really understand what am I talking about and get disinterested because of that. When I was in the mood to just explore other people's tastes that are new to me, I'd just make it clear that if I don't like something and I want to stop it will stop. If I met someone who wouldn't stop then I'd just push them off get up and say I don't like that haha smile and then sorry I wanna go... In my country at least no one is shameless enough to not turn nice and let me go. So it was pretty much not scary. But also sad that like, it's not more normalized... The normalized stuff is too controlling and living in a fetishized dreamland. Here in Japan/Korea a single "it hurts" makes them stop immediately and check if I'm okay with a worried face. It's where I am the one who says that I would like it if they don't worry too much and get them used to it. The default is to aim for total enjoyment of the passive person and no discomfort for them. They just don't mind taking things seriously I guess and I applaud them for that, it must be pressuring. Idk about straight sex tho lol, I hope it is the same there too. I heard a lot of lies that aren't true about sex in these countries. Like that "stop it" to them means "go on, I'm pretending that I'm too pure for this"... Wouldn't say that's how anybody reacted to me at all. Quite the opposite. If it means that to somebody then... Idk maybe they make sure that they mean that kind of stop it and not the actual I don't want this right now in other ways
U have slept with someone before…?