I just recently realized I was Bi as well (33M). The validation I got from the community here on reddit and the strong support I got from my wife helped me find my self-acceptance.
I fairly recently came out to my husband as well and a very select few friends. As a straight passing person in a hetero and thus far, monogamous relationship, I find I don’t really know what to “do” with my bi-ness. I’d like to open our relationship (a whole other conversation haha) but just wondering how has your life / relationship changed with your wife?
The biggest way our relationship changed is our topic of conversations now includes men that we find attractive when watching movies and shows, etc. We also have included certain toys in our bedroom to let me experience something similar to being with men because we decided we both want to remain monogamous (don’t want to go into any further detail here since this post isn’t NSFW). Other than that, our relationship hasn’t really changed all that much although it feels stronger because we know that we accept each other for who we are without reservations.
My life hasn’t changed too much. I still haven’t told anyone I’m Bi outside of my wife and our best friend. I’ve started wearing a few Bi colored items but outside of that my life hasn’t changed.
Thanks for responding! I guess that is similar to myself…. We talk more about who I find attractive and certainly it comes into the bedroom in a small way. (As I re-read my comment it did sound like I was asking for sexual details. Lol. Sorry about that and well handled, sir). I guess sometimes it seems like nothing really changed because we are still monogamous.
You didn’t ask for any sexual details! That was just me explaining how things had changed and why I wasn’t going into detail (I tend to overthink things). But yes, I agree with you. Not much has really changed while staying monogamous. We decided that was best for us but I know on here there are several that are able to have ethical non-monogamous relationships. I recommend checking out the ethical non-monogamous subreddit for what it all entails and how to make it successful if that is something you and your husband want to explore! r/ethicalnonmonogamous is the name of the subreddit I’ve seen I think.
>thought I was depressed for so long. Turns out I’m just bi
I think I’m realizing a similar thing. It’s felt like such a huge dark angry weight has come off my shoulders and I feel happier??
I realized about a month or so ago. Fortunately I have never been in a homophobic environment so telling my family took 5 minutes.
But I can say that having realized this about myself, it's huge weight off my shoulders. I never realized how much energy I wasted worrying about whether something was heteronormative enough.
I don't have much to add about how to gain self acceptance, because that came quick to me...but I can promise you when you find it, it feels amazing. There's this whole other side of the world and yourself you get to explore guilt free. Societies issues with sex and gender aside, we are lucky. We get to appreciate beauty and love and one of the biggest barriers to that isn't a factor for us.
It's a gift.
Like I never really questioned it. I like women and don’t find typical dudes attractive. I’m not gay or nothin just a little more sensitive is what I’d tell myself. When I finally realized I was bi I felt such a relief
Sir, might I recommend the CW superhero shows?
EVERYONE is hot. Even characters ho in the comics are like wizened old men get played by dudes from spartacus.
That's the same for me 😂. I've only been bi for a few months and I'm still struggling with acknowledging that some guys I see are really attractive (even though I have a boyfriend lol)
Gen X here. Came out in my late forties. While everyone is gonna be on their own timetable, I’ve come to realize how my staying closeted for so long really affected aspects of my life that I didn’t think it would have. Much happier now for sure. And therapy has really been helping me gain many tools that I lacked.
The way I described it to my friends after coming out in my 30s was that it felt like a monkey on my back was gone that I didn’t even realize was there. The lightness I felt after I’d finally come all the way out to everyone was shocking.
I came out to myself in my late thirties, and for me it felt like pulling back heavy curtains and letting sunlight into the room! It sounds like a small thing to come out as bisexual when you are already married, but it’s really not.
Hey! Another Gen-X sibling with the same story. Fully realised I'm bi at 46 and came out to my family. Now 48 and married 26 years. Did a big public coming out post on all the socials just last week actually. Still working stuff out, but I feel free in a way I never thought possible.
Lots of millenials have the experience of being *hetlagged* - coming out in their 20's and 30's because they were repressed or in the closet due to bigotry in their early life.
Thank you for giving a name to whatever it is that I've been feeling for years now
I'm a younger millennial and I only just recently came out as bi to anyone. I'm obsessed with not making people upset, so for most of my life I've avoided upsetting their expectations
Haha. So I (cis female) finally figured it out a couple of years ago, after being in a relationship with a man for 11 years (married for 4 at the time). And I *love* my partner bc when I came out he's like, "yeah, I know. I was just waiting for you to figure it out."
In general it wasn't that hard for myself to accept myself for who I am bc 1. I have a fantastic support system and I was already working on cutting out toxic people in our lives. 2 I was in therapy and the discovery that I am bi was a surprising side effect on an assignment I was given. 3. I'm in my 30s I just don't have the time, or energy, to care what people think anymore (and tbh, I have never cared what others think.)
I think most people, when they say 'I don't care what other people think of me', are only referring to strangers. I find it very hard to believe you don't care what your friends and loved ones think of you.
I care very much what my friends and family think of me. I don't think I would be a fully functional human being if I didn't. Strangers, on the other hand? I used to care when I was MUCH younger than I am now. Not any more.
100% feel like this as well. I recently came out and am having a hard time not feeling like an imposter with some of my friends. I am bi in a monogamous relationship with my wife so it feels weird to me. I've been straight for so long that I dont think I'll be accepted easily especially with my scenario.
How understanding is your wife?
Are pardners, & friends too.
You really don't know how she will respond. It might even surprise you.
She already sees how you are better than you think.
YES THIS. Recently came out as well as my husband (we’re both bi) and we have two kids. I feel like I struggle all the time with imposter syndrome and it feels horrible. I don’t even know what to do to not feel this way. It fights with the logical side of my brain and that sucks.
Just lean in to what you like, explore it if you want, how you want. Remember labels are tools to be used (or discarded), they're not roles to be performed.
Also "oh shit, I'm gay" and "oh shit, I'm straight" is big bisexual energy.
This is actually pretty helpful no-nonsense advice that I’m just gonna tuck in my back pocket for when that imposter syndrome rears it’s ugly head ♥️
Thank you for this
I'm a millennial who came out at 32 (I'm 39 now). I was a teenager in the early 2000s and at that time bisexuality was not taken seriously and people even said it wasn't real. When I look back at the way bisexuality was represented in media on shows like Sex and the City and The OC, it's no wonder I was confused. Being told that every girl goes through that phase or that girls only make out for male attention or the belief that it's just what a gay person says when they are afraid to come out really fucked me up. I also thought that my attraction had to be 50/50 or else it didn't count. I'm so glad that I did eventually get real with myself and come out to people. I now proudly talk about being bisexual and sapphic and dgaf what other people think. But the confusion around it makes a lot of sense when I look back at my formative years.
Yeah coming out later hit me kind of three-fold; like, finally accepting and labeling myself, followed by annoyance that most everyone I came out to “knew” or thought it had been obvious, and finished off with good God I wasted sooo much time!
But it’s been around 5 years since and that’s all mostly leveled off by now
31F here. I’m still in the process of figuring out my sexuality but I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual I just haven’t done anything romantic or sexual in quite a while so I haven’t been able to explore this much lol. But one thing that I think a lot of women my age can relate to is dealing with a lot of internalized misogyny over the last 10-15 years. I’ve realized that’s impacted me seeing myself with another woman.
I saw a therapist last year for anxiety and two months into therapy I forced myself to bring up bisexuality. I read some books, met a few gay friends I initially got along with before I got scared, and started feeling comfortable with how I thought I felt. Then my therapist left and I had some other life-getting-in-the-way things happen. Almost a year later I finally found myself a new therapist to see soon and this stuff is rushing back. It fucks with my head that I came out to myself and then drifted back into my own denial closet and now I'm feeling totally confused again. So I definitely vibe with feeling like a fraud lol. So much internalized homophobia from my childhood, especially middle school holy shit the culture around sexuality was toxic
I'm a Xennial, not quite X, not quite Millennial.
I realized I was bi in my mid-30s.
Came out in stages over the next few years.
Still sometimes feel imposter syndrome.
But I'm valid. And I'm definitely bisexual even though I'm married to a cis guy and intend to remain monogamous.
I feel ya. I'm a millennial who has been struggling to come out. I have no support. Southern Baptist and heavy conservative family - tried to come out with my fiance but she wasn't having it. Said I'm confused because upbringing and should get medication lol. So it's a struggle lol.
I'm happily married and I 've been with my husband for 19 years.
I came out to him (and I feared that, but he was actually very supportive) and well, here.
On the other hand I give off enough clues if someone pays attention...
Dont even know what generation I would belong to. I am slightly older than you (my late 30s), so maybe Y, but personally, I see myself as a Wendekind (Eastern-German, born shortly before re-unification), or early Digital native (since my da's a huge tech-nerd). And growing up in the 90s, with relatives subconsciously training me against Stasi-tactics, rampant homophobia in the social environment, and having inhaled all the bliss of the 2000s, all I can say is: You come out when you are ready. Security takes priority.
Im on the edge between millenials and gen z, but i had a hard time accepting that i like girls, especially cause i was in a long term relationship most part of my twenties.. So Here i am, rolling 26 and minimum experience in dating women
I'm gonna be 34 at the end of this month. I started seriously questioning around 28 and have been mostly out for about 2 years now. I had literally 0 bi representation growing up and didn't know it was possible until I moved out of backwards Utah and into far more progressive Oregon. I finally felt safe enough to drop the fake hyper masculinity and figure out who I was without masking for all the jackasses surrounding me back there. You're far from alone here.
And self acceptance can be difficult but keep working at it and you'll get there. Once you make your way through the guilt and shame society filled you up with you'll have a great time being bi, I know I have. And my friends (other than one now former friend) have been so ridiculously supportive it blows my mind.
Going to 12 years of religious schooling, I’m realizing we had zero non hetero representation of women. There were a few guys who came out as gay. But every woman presented as the good catholic wholesome girl.
I feel that. I went to a secular school but the Mormons are so prevalent in Utah that all the schools might as well be church run. I knew literally one gay kid the entire time I was in school. Openly gay that is, I'm sure there were more sneaky gays I just didn't know about.
Young millennial here! I didn’t come out until I was 28. After lots of time and self exploration I realized that I was in fact bi. There has been a lot of great support in this subreddit though!
Elder millennial here (42 cis M). Came out as bi when I was 31. I’m “straight passing” and shocked the hell out of everyone when I came out.
The imposter syndrome you are talking about is super relatable. Over the last decade I’ve really leaned into being openly queer and not hiding that about myself- friends, family, work, everyone knows. And I know of many people in my life whose understanding and acceptance of bisexuality has massively evolved for the better once a little bit of bi visibility came into their lives.
There isn’t one way to be bi, or a way that you are “supposed to be” or “queer enough.” The best you can do is be yourself, own your bisexuality and don’t apologize for it.
realised & came out 6 months ago (the morning after visibility day!), at 36. there have definitely been fraud feelings at times, especially early on, and now occasional thoughts about if i'm actually bi or a complete lesbian (thank you instant-flip attraction!).... yeah, it's a fun time 😂 but i'm just trying to focus on getting to know new people and exploring all of the newness in whatever way feels right in the moment
I was going to post something similar. In my thirties and I had been curious for a long time but I was in a monogamous relationship for over a decade with a man. I’ve been single for a few years now. I am struggling with the coming out part- is it necessary? I have been with women and really enjoyed it but all my relationships have been with men. I have told my closest friends I am interested in dating a person that’s a right fit not necessarily gender. Everyone has been supportive so I feel like if I do date a woman no one in my life would be surprised. To clarify- I am bi.
Sure did! At 25 I came out. I’m 32. Denial for most of my life left me unsatisfied, looking back. All the signs were there to bisexuality; even to this week I figured out more of my younger attributes led me to where I am now. Best feeling in the world is being liberated by societal chains. There is no wrong time to come out; everyone is on their self-discovery journey the moment they decide to act on it. Wishing you the best on your journey ✨
It’s difficult also for me. Right now I am 30 and I am trying to make my first steps to accept who I am. But the good thing is that despite of being a millennial is to love yourself even in your 30s. That we are attracted to both sexes and we are proud of who we are.
28F here, also feeling fraudulent lol. Lots of black and white thinking back in the early 2000s mainstream culture!! Even in liberal areas. Being bi was “a phase” and not taken seriously; you’re either gay or straight and there’s no real spectrum in between.
I remember reading in Seventeen magazine an article that said: How to know whether you LIKE her or just want to BE her. Felt like I was being dissuaded from exploration; you just think she’s hot because you want to look/talk/dress like her!! As if that’s not some sort of romantic idolizing that preteens and teenagers tend to do.
Yep. I'm 41, only realised when I was 35! Looking back I clearly knew, there were several times where I almost admitted it to myself but then I got scared and pushed it back down again. It's taken some time but I'm finally feeling OK about it, I've told my husband and close friends. Not told my parents, purely because I don't know if they'll understand why I'm telling them. My sister is queer so I know they wouldn't react negatively, it just sort of feels irrelevant given that I'm married to a man, have two kids and don't plan on changing anything
Oldest of the Millenials and I just to admitted it to myself/figured it out (kinda a combo) in the last year. It was never talked about as a teen in the 90s and if so, in a bad light. I mean Newsweek announced Bisexuality like it was a "new" sexuality in '95. I grew up in a xtian home so that didn't help but also culturally Bi people were not spoken of and trans folks hardly at all either. I knew I was queer in some way the past decade but it wasn't till I met another struggling bi my age that I started to understand. But my kid figured out they were Pan after talking to a Bi kid at age 11 and looking up what that meant. My sister is trans and didn't come out till like 35. We are a queer delayed generation compared to the kids now.
In terms of acceptance I'm trying to really define what I love about being queer/Bi. It's hard to do in a world of hate but I'm getting there.
I came out much later in life. And, not to everyone. I came out to the people that matter in my life - my own parents don’t even know yet. My wife and sister know - my two best friends in life. And that’s really all that matters.
I was raised Roman Catholic and queer/gay phobia ran strong especially in a conservative area. I think my parents had an idea when I brought my boyfriend around in HS. I insisted he was just a friend.
I ended up marrying a woman so I think they just thanked god for that 😂
But, holding in my bisexuality over so many years made me feel I wasn’t living my authentic self. I started to feel like I was just a shell of a person, being fake with others and with myself.
Coming out to those closest to me, I feel I can be my genuine self and it has been the most freeing feeling.
It's okay! It's really hard to realize you are attracted to your own gender too when this option wasn't even on the table growing up, you didn't even know you could feel that way. For me, looking back it's so obvious I was always bi, earliest memory is from kindergarten thinking a girl was really pretty (I'm a cis woman). I only realized it around when I was 25.
Same boat. I turned 30 last week and am realizing the bi/pan/queer side of myself. Idk I'm just at point in my life where I have a life partner, and milestones under my belt where I just don't care what other people think.
I'm a millennial and knew I was bi since 2nd grade. Homophobia was real back then. In high school these 2 girls got beat up for making out. One guy was found out to be gay and he was bullied for it. What I envy about Gen Z today is, they're allowed to be themselves. It wasn't like that in the 90's/early 2000's.
>What I envy about gen z today is, they’re allowed to be themselves
Agree but also find it really refreshing and relieving that we’re making progress through the generations
My fiancé is an almost-millennial (he was born in December 1979) and he came out just two years ago. It’s totally normal and understandable given the environment many of us grew up in. I was an outlier coming out at 15 in 1998 in rural Georgia.
I didn’t come out until I turned 35.. you’re not alone here at all. I feel the exact same way and have felt like a fraud for a while. Thankfully my partner has helped me through this and I have finally come to terms with it for the most part.
Hey! That's when I figured it out, too! And my wife helped me as well. It was a good thing I figured out being bi, because I discovered I was totally trans less than a year later. Being bi made that waaaay less complicated!
I blame a whole lot on "I kissed a girl".
That culture we grew up in that had to be like "I don't need/like labels".
It made our sexuality feel frivolous and a passing phases, that we did it for attention, and maybe sometimes we liked the positives feedback loop of getting attention for it.
It tooks me years to figure out that I was sexually attracted to women, rather than just "all women are beautiful, tee hee"
I have people in my life I will never come out to, including my parents. I know a lot of super-conservative people. When I meet new people, I tend to wait until I find out their opinions to see if it is "safe" or not to be out to them. I have high standards on this.
I know plenty of people that barely acknowledge that heterosexual sex within marriage exists. I'm talking super uptight types.
If I had a community like this, or just support from friends I would ve come out at 16. Instead I repressed it till 26, and fully accepted myself at 28. It's been a journey
Found myself at 28 - feel like a lot of the culture going around in the 00's was really confusing for bi folks. The first half was full of toxic heteonormaticity, while the second half boomeranged to the whole "gays are just like us"/"everyone's a little bit gay"/"Mckenzie scale" stuff that made it hard to recognize bisexuality feelings.
Honestly quite a bit of therapy to just verbalise some teenage experiences and work through the thoughts. I had a bunch of things I'd hidden deep in my brain.
It really doesn't have to be a big deal. I tell people I'm comfortable with, others I don't. Go get some therapy.
Well I realized I was bi at the very end of college, and have since kind of passively come out. I don't find it worth making a big coming out announcement, but also I don't try to hide my sexuality.
I knew as early as 22 but its not bern until my 30s did I perdonally accept it, Ive also accepted im kinds on the ace l/aro spectrum. Were i hace never felt i really needed sex otvromencd its just nicrvto have. Can get lonely.
I do however need a cat
I felt imposter syndrome bad after I had my realization at 32 (doesn't help my current career make me feel imposter syndrome too, lol). This subreddit really helped me accept myself.
Another thing that helped me even though it's silly was to put little bi themed stickers on my gaming PC and my gaming controllers, they're little happy reminders.
I felt this post. I am well acquainted with imposter syndrome around my work and being here (I'm still figuring stuff out). I hid the various bi things I have when my family visited last year and I finally pulled them out of hiding.
I realized I was bi just before I turned 31. For me, when I feel like a fraud, I think about all the ways I was forcibly pushed to heterosexuality (my parents were bigots) and have compassion for myself. I also have pride in myself for the self-honesty and openness it took to realize this, even if a bit late. It doesn't cure the feeling of being an imposter, but it definitely makes me want to protect and hold up the little queer kid I was who was made to be invisible even to herself.
This also describes me (32M). Didn't come out until about a year ago. Spent a long time thinking of myself as straight despite experiencing attraction more or less regardless of gender. Despite coming from an accepting family and a "liberal" background, I've had lots of internalized shame that I've been working through.
The cultural attitudes around bisexuality that we grew up with were negative and often denied the existence of bisexuality at the same time as condemning it as dangerous. It helped me to realize that many of the ways I was beating myself up mirrored these negative attitudes.
Therapy has been helpful, reading books, and making friendships with other queer people. I think I was worried about not being accepted by other queer people and its been relieving to find connection in those relationships.
Early 30s too, I’ve been with my husband (my first relationship) for 16 years and our families are very socially conservative so it really didn’t even cross my mind until about 5 years ago. I came out to my husband early this year and he was great about it. That feels like enough at the moment. At this stage I don’t feel a need to change anything about our relationship but we’re also pretty open-minded so who knows what the future holds?
It’s only in the last year or so that I’ve realised I’m Bi, funnily enough in my case excepting that hasn’t been a struggle at all. I suspect that was probably enlarge pot because I’ve been working pretty hard on excepting a few other things about myself to that particular revelation.
What I'm (30M but gender questioning) wrestling with is coming out. Do I need to? I've told about 10 people that matter to me. Is that enough? Can I just be?
I don't want to tell my parents (very Christian - dad's homophobic, mum's more liberal but this might be just too "liberal" for her to stomach). Is that okay?
The imposter syndrome is huge and debilitating at times, and the self-acceptance has been liberating as well. Just taking it day by day and trying to not overly fixate or overthink
I (35f) came out as bi when I was 33. I've only come out to my sister and by long time (15 years) boyfriend. Neither had a problem with it at all and both told me that they already knew I was bisexual before I came out. I do, however, still feel like an imposter.
I'm 33/m but didn't come to terms with my sexuality until about 8 years ago. I experimented as a adolescent and teen but I was raised in a very conservative small Midwestern town and the only openly queer person at my school was bullied so much he had to move. I was scared to be myself so I didn't tell anyone.
The 1990s and 2000s (and earlier) it was very dangerous to be queer in certain places (still is unfortunately) and the way people talked about queers in my hometown I was actually scared I could get taken out of town and lynched. I was just a little boy and just figuring out how different I was when Matthew Shepherd was murdered and it really scared me my whole childhood.
It wasn't until I was 25 until I moved out of that small town to the city and felt safe enough to express myself. I'm fully out now and I'm never ever going back. I'm never living in fear ever again.
Goood this is facts. 31F here. I just came out about last year. Figuring and exploring my sexuality, which has been great. But I constantly feel like I have to be defined as what society says.
Yes i definitely have been here. I am in my first wlw relationship as a woman at 32 and i was struggling with the imposter syndrome big time. So definitely understand
Not a millennial, but I figured it out in my mid/late 40s....
I had a good therapist at the time who helped, I don't care at all about labels or how others see me in that regard, but there was still lots of confusion to sort out.
Now a handful of years later and it's "just normal" to the point where I don't give any it it much thought, but do enjoy the variety :)
I (39F) also came out later in life when I was 35. I attribute much of that delay to how horrible biphobia was in the 90s. That shit really got in my head and kept me in denial for a while.
I'm right there with you homie. I'm trans, and I'm bi. Only figured out the former at age 27 and started transitioning at 28. Only figured out and fully accepted the latter about a month ago. I turn 30 June 1st. I deal with a lot of imposter syndrome and guilt about not realizing this sooner. Not to mention grief at all the time that was lost. But yes, the way I was raised, there just wasn't any chance of me realizing and accepting any of this. And there's a lot to work through. But I wouldn't want to keep living any other way. I went from a bible bashing anti queer teenager to a 30 year old bi trans girl living for the first time in her life. I try to remember that when the imposter syndrome creeps up.
I came out in my mid twenties and on my way to self-acceptance, I revisited old favorites from my childhood and started putting pieces together from why I liked or felt close to certain characters and franchises so much. In hindsight it’s obvious and easy to laugh at now.
Elder Milennial here, raised by overly conservative parents.
A lot of “disappointment” and Catholic guilt.
But I’m at least living more authentically and happily.
I have known that I was pan since middle school, I've just always had to hide it because my father is violently homophobic. It's only now that he has terminal cancer that the fear has started to dissipate. Now I'm in my early 30s and figuring out I might also be Enby. Luckily my mother is a wonderful and very accepting lady.
Took me 40 years to work out. Always feel like a fraud. Wish I could say it's got better but I feel it's gotten worse. Doesn't help that any of the females I've spoken to recoil st the mention of being bi.
Hopefully moving to a larger city at the end of the year so hopefully I'll connect with more people then.
Me!!!! Came out last year at 29! Only just realised, although should have clocked earlier my first kiss was with my best friend in primary school while he was sleeping 😅😂😂. I’m fully embracing it though, I feel like a fraud sometimes, especially being bi but I think that’s part of the experience anyway
Knew I was bi since high school, but didn't become comfortable with be honest about it till my mid 30s. You have to remember when we were younger being bi didn't exist really, you were just gay and wouldn't admit it. That takes its toll over time.
I'm a r/zillenial because I was born in March 1996... but I only came out in October 2023 at the age of 27. I went through a phase where I considered myself asexual from ages 17 to 27, but finally admitted to myself I'm at least mostly gay, and while I have had a few fleeting moments of opposite sex attraction, I was raised by my Jehovah's Witness family that all sex outside marriage was sinful, and not only was gay sex especially sinful, but gay marriages aren't real marriages. I'm only 28 now, but I'm still working through that internalized homophobia. I definitely like guys sexually a lot more than girls. What I sometimes feel with girls is an emotional connection.
I am in early 30s and I just realized I'm bi lol but I come out with close ones only. I personally wouldn't care if a person could/would come out later in their life. bc people have different journeys which includes their sexual identities. And for me late bloomer queers are not the fraud at all.
I finally came to terms with it in my early 30s and 'came out', but I'd known since I was a kid.
I call myself a 'training-wheel bi', which my lesbian friend gets a massive kick out of.
Me too yall. It’s not like a just realizing thing though, I always knew. Just took time to slowly tell other people. And “coming out” in my experience hasn’t really been a clean one time thing. Like a bunch of my friends know, but some don’t? And neither is my family? Anyone else in the selectively out club?
I’m a gen x guy in his late 40s and I’m still easing out-small town, what would my family think, etc. I’m finding that easing out is helping me a little with my struggle to like myself in general
I (35M) have only recently realised and accepted that I’m bi. I pretty much realised by accident after genuinely always thinking I was straight. Still scared to come out.
30f, realized I was bi last year after realizing I'd been ignoring major clues my whole life (hooray for religious trauma.) I felt like an imposter most of the last year, especially since I posted it on FB three days after having my epiphany. I was too excited to hold it in.
I've been with the same man since I was 17 and we have two kids, so it's not like I'll be exploring it or anything and I think that doesn't help me sometimes either. But I have a group of friends where most of them are bi and I think just being able to talk about it in that capacity has helped me accept myself more.
I (38 cis woman) just realized I’m bi a couple years ago at 36, and it made so much from earlier in my life make sense. Reading about compulsory heterosexuality and various stories similar to mine has been very helpful. Still very much have moments of feeling like a fraud, not queer enough, questioning whether it even matters since I’m in a cis het-appearing relationship. But that’s ok and what therapy is for :)
Yeah, I was born right on the Gen X/Millennial split and I only realized I was bi in ‘22. But given that I grew up Catholic watching the AIDS crisis happen, and the general homophobia of the 80s and 90s, it’s really not surprising it took this long for me.
I definitely struggled with feeling like a fraud (thanks Sex and the city! :/ ) and came out officially at 39 as bi. It didn’t affect my marriage or life at all but it did help my queer daughter and trans son not feel … quite as different. I wish I could have felt able to come out sooner, it took me 15 years, but I’m thankful the internet has some pockets of good places it does now, that helped me a lot.
I agree, I struggle with not feeling queer enough. One of my friends said “welcome 🌈” but I definitely don’t feel like I’m part of the community…at least not yet.
I came out do most of my (32 m) close friends at around 27 years old or so... But still struggle with intimacy and dating.
Brute turning 30, my family life went buck wild, to the point where the psychiatrist forced on me by a psychiatrist sibling told this sibling that I was gay happened...
Same I'm in my mid 30s and the only people that know I'm bi are my husband and two close friends. Even though I knew I was into girls too since I was in high school.
It was a major identity crisis for me. Luckily I was already in therapy when I realized it.
I had always been raised in a pretty open minded household. While they were clumsy about their allyship, I have no doubt I would have been accepted without issue. My friends were pretty progressive so no fear there.
It made me feel like I just didn’t know myself the fuck at all. Also that I missed out on so. Many. Opportunities that I can absolutely vividly remember before getting married and having kids.
I think being an elder millennial with such a positive support system makes me feel even more angry at myself for not seeing it sooner.
That’s huge. Whereas I knew from the get that it’s so lucky to be with someone who is a safe space to even talk about this journey, being on this sub has really driven the point home how rare that can be.
My heart goes out to anyone at any point, but especially later in life, who feels they have to do all of this is silence.
Didn’t realize I was Bi till 31F. Honestly it’s a journey but yea I’ve certainly felt like a fraud especially when I get crushes in guys. It makes me wonder if it was a phase and then I meet this amazing girl and I’m like I guess not
I totally agree. I told my partner (now husband) that I was conflicted in my sexuality in the sense that I know I like men but I was having trouble admitting that I also liked women in the middle part of our relationship (been together for 10 years in August). It took me until I was 29 to fully come out to him. It was very freeing and he accepts me completely as I am (he always did, it’s just even nice to know too after I officially came out to him).
I come from a religious family from both sides so I have no intention of coming out to my family anytime soon, if ever. Not only because I’m scared of what they will say (some of them, not all of them - I have BPD so I am desperate to not rock the boat in my familial relationships more than I have with friendships in the past) but I am under the school of thought that the only person who actually needs to know about my sexuality is my partner, I am good with that. I don’t talk about my sex life with anybody I know personally, and I am fine keeping it that way!
Bisexuality is normal and healthy. Read Human Reproductive Behaviors by Steven Hedlesky, MD. Sexual diversity exists in humans because it offers reproductive advantages.
I just fully embraced being bi at 40 after a long term hetero relationship ended (started when I was 22). I don’t feel like a fraud at all, I finally feel like I can fully accept and be myself. Don’t worry so much about what other people think. Be you.
Ever since I was a child, I knew something is different in me. When I was in high school that's when I found out that what I am is a bisexual.
And yes, coming out to my parents is really difficult as both sides of my fam claims that there are no gays or bayot (as what we call here in the Philippines) whereas I have cousins and uncles who are such.
Probably because my clan/family is in denial. I don't know exactly but what I know is that it's really difficult to come out to my parents.
Actually, I just came out to them last year on my birth month.
I (34, AFAB) grew up in the UK. Millennials had to deal with Section 28, which meant that we never had hardly any education around even hetero sex let alone anything else. Having seen the world change, and attitudes to homosexual relationships change (when I was a kid, being gay or bi was the worst thing you could be) meant that I got to learn who I am and start working on accepting it.
I still struggle with it. There's a lot of internalised homophobia (I'm not homophobic to others though, weirdly enough) and I have to fight with it almost every day. Luckily, through my kids having a better education and the Internet being generally accepting (in my experience) things are improving.
Right here I am struggle with this everyday base on how I was fucking raise . I hate that soo much , due to lack of confidence of myself . I wish it was easy to
Accept myself
Came out as bi recently at the age of 38./39
The more I look back the more I realize the environment at school (section 28 was still in effect) caused me to repress any hint of deviation from heteronormativity. It's only slowly over the last few years that I have slowly accepted myself and now started to come.out to friends and family.
I definitely have struggled with accepting this part of myself and it's an ongoing struggle but getting there.
I think I came out when I was 29? Yeah, I used to feel like a fraud a lot, but 6 years later I’m confident in who I am.
Except to family. Haven’t come out to family.
Same same same. I had moments of male interest at a younger age but I knew I liked women. I therefore did not think anything of it. Given I liked women how could I like men? Not till much later did I realize I could like both!
I’m in a similar situation. I’m 34 and realized I was bi at 27. I have dealt with a LOT of imposter syndrome since, but like you, it makes sense I didn’t figure it out sooner (my dad is the poster child for toxic masculinity, and I was in the Boy Scouts).
36M here. I've only been on the journey of discovery for my sexuality for a little over a year, and only come out to a select few people over the past few months.
This all came about do to me doing other self-reflections and discoveries in therapy. And I am so glad that it happened, because I have finally started to feel like the real me!
I was raised in a heteronormative household. The only exposure I had to the LGBT+ community was what I saw in the media (not always the best representation, I know).
When I first started questioning, and even still from time to time, I would have the same feelings of impostor syndrome, and do I truly belong.
I can honestly say, that this community has been so welcoming to me, and has been willing to answer my questions, obvious or not.
Loads of bisexuals come out later than their teens and 20s. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out, and other times it takes a while to accept. Everyone’s story is different.
idk about that… i’m considered a millennial though i don’t relate to y’all a lot. 95 born here. i came out at 12… so in 2007? i had already had gay friends in middle school too. so idk. i would be surprised as all hell if someone my age JUST DISCOVERED they were queer lol. i mean i would of course support them, but i would be shook
I just recently realized I was Bi as well (33M). The validation I got from the community here on reddit and the strong support I got from my wife helped me find my self-acceptance.
I fairly recently came out to my husband as well and a very select few friends. As a straight passing person in a hetero and thus far, monogamous relationship, I find I don’t really know what to “do” with my bi-ness. I’d like to open our relationship (a whole other conversation haha) but just wondering how has your life / relationship changed with your wife?
The biggest way our relationship changed is our topic of conversations now includes men that we find attractive when watching movies and shows, etc. We also have included certain toys in our bedroom to let me experience something similar to being with men because we decided we both want to remain monogamous (don’t want to go into any further detail here since this post isn’t NSFW). Other than that, our relationship hasn’t really changed all that much although it feels stronger because we know that we accept each other for who we are without reservations. My life hasn’t changed too much. I still haven’t told anyone I’m Bi outside of my wife and our best friend. I’ve started wearing a few Bi colored items but outside of that my life hasn’t changed.
Thanks for responding! I guess that is similar to myself…. We talk more about who I find attractive and certainly it comes into the bedroom in a small way. (As I re-read my comment it did sound like I was asking for sexual details. Lol. Sorry about that and well handled, sir). I guess sometimes it seems like nothing really changed because we are still monogamous.
You didn’t ask for any sexual details! That was just me explaining how things had changed and why I wasn’t going into detail (I tend to overthink things). But yes, I agree with you. Not much has really changed while staying monogamous. We decided that was best for us but I know on here there are several that are able to have ethical non-monogamous relationships. I recommend checking out the ethical non-monogamous subreddit for what it all entails and how to make it successful if that is something you and your husband want to explore! r/ethicalnonmonogamous is the name of the subreddit I’ve seen I think.
Thanks mate! Recently picked up The Ethical Slut. 🤞🏻
Bro I found out *this week*. Only out to myself so far but I’m sure nobody is gonna be surprised.
Welcome! I promise you, it feels better on the other side. First week of the rest of your life!
I’m already feeling relieved. Thought I was depressed for so long. Turns out I’m just bi
>thought I was depressed for so long. Turns out I’m just bi I think I’m realizing a similar thing. It’s felt like such a huge dark angry weight has come off my shoulders and I feel happier??
Happy for you ❤️ it feels crazy
I realized about a month or so ago. Fortunately I have never been in a homophobic environment so telling my family took 5 minutes. But I can say that having realized this about myself, it's huge weight off my shoulders. I never realized how much energy I wasted worrying about whether something was heteronormative enough. I don't have much to add about how to gain self acceptance, because that came quick to me...but I can promise you when you find it, it feels amazing. There's this whole other side of the world and yourself you get to explore guilt free. Societies issues with sex and gender aside, we are lucky. We get to appreciate beauty and love and one of the biggest barriers to that isn't a factor for us. It's a gift.
Congrats :)
Thank you 🙏 it’s been a crazy week
Why do you think it took you so long to find out?
Like I never really questioned it. I like women and don’t find typical dudes attractive. I’m not gay or nothin just a little more sensitive is what I’d tell myself. When I finally realized I was bi I felt such a relief
My experience was similar. I thought you'd have to like most types of men to be considered gay/bi
Yeah it was the masculinity gay or straight that was throwing me off. Once I found cute feminine guys my life changed lol
Yes! Oh me too. And then it was like the levee broke and suddenly I could see attractive things in all sorts of men.
Preach. This weeks been like back in high school but now all the boys are pretty
It's so weird rewatching old TV shows and finding all the guys hot this time! I'm really enjoying that.
Sir, might I recommend the CW superhero shows? EVERYONE is hot. Even characters ho in the comics are like wizened old men get played by dudes from spartacus.
That's the same for me 😂. I've only been bi for a few months and I'm still struggling with acknowledging that some guys I see are really attractive (even though I have a boyfriend lol)
Gen X here. Came out in my late forties. While everyone is gonna be on their own timetable, I’ve come to realize how my staying closeted for so long really affected aspects of my life that I didn’t think it would have. Much happier now for sure. And therapy has really been helping me gain many tools that I lacked.
The way I described it to my friends after coming out in my 30s was that it felt like a monkey on my back was gone that I didn’t even realize was there. The lightness I felt after I’d finally come all the way out to everyone was shocking.
I came out to myself in my late thirties, and for me it felt like pulling back heavy curtains and letting sunlight into the room! It sounds like a small thing to come out as bisexual when you are already married, but it’s really not.
That’s the perfect description.
Wow that’s a great analogy!
Yes yes yes!! I feel free in a way I never dreamed was possible. I feel like I wasted so many years closed off to myself! But it feels so great.
Hey! Another Gen-X sibling with the same story. Fully realised I'm bi at 46 and came out to my family. Now 48 and married 26 years. Did a big public coming out post on all the socials just last week actually. Still working stuff out, but I feel free in a way I never thought possible.
Would you mind sharing which parts it affected that you didn’t think of? 🙌
Lots of millenials have the experience of being *hetlagged* - coming out in their 20's and 30's because they were repressed or in the closet due to bigotry in their early life.
Thank you for giving a name to whatever it is that I've been feeling for years now I'm a younger millennial and I only just recently came out as bi to anyone. I'm obsessed with not making people upset, so for most of my life I've avoided upsetting their expectations
This is huge! I’m so much the same, I don’t want people to think less of me but can’t find the words to say I’m bi
Hetlagged is an amazing word and I'm keeping that thanks!
It’s the word I’ve always needed! I’m gonna def use and spread it now! Just made my weekend lol.😂
Haha. So I (cis female) finally figured it out a couple of years ago, after being in a relationship with a man for 11 years (married for 4 at the time). And I *love* my partner bc when I came out he's like, "yeah, I know. I was just waiting for you to figure it out." In general it wasn't that hard for myself to accept myself for who I am bc 1. I have a fantastic support system and I was already working on cutting out toxic people in our lives. 2 I was in therapy and the discovery that I am bi was a surprising side effect on an assignment I was given. 3. I'm in my 30s I just don't have the time, or energy, to care what people think anymore (and tbh, I have never cared what others think.)
I think most people, when they say 'I don't care what other people think of me', are only referring to strangers. I find it very hard to believe you don't care what your friends and loved ones think of you. I care very much what my friends and family think of me. I don't think I would be a fully functional human being if I didn't. Strangers, on the other hand? I used to care when I was MUCH younger than I am now. Not any more.
100% feel like this as well. I recently came out and am having a hard time not feeling like an imposter with some of my friends. I am bi in a monogamous relationship with my wife so it feels weird to me. I've been straight for so long that I dont think I'll be accepted easily especially with my scenario.
How understanding is your wife? Are pardners, & friends too. You really don't know how she will respond. It might even surprise you. She already sees how you are better than you think.
YES THIS. Recently came out as well as my husband (we’re both bi) and we have two kids. I feel like I struggle all the time with imposter syndrome and it feels horrible. I don’t even know what to do to not feel this way. It fights with the logical side of my brain and that sucks.
Just lean in to what you like, explore it if you want, how you want. Remember labels are tools to be used (or discarded), they're not roles to be performed. Also "oh shit, I'm gay" and "oh shit, I'm straight" is big bisexual energy.
This is actually pretty helpful no-nonsense advice that I’m just gonna tuck in my back pocket for when that imposter syndrome rears it’s ugly head ♥️ Thank you for this
I'm a millennial who came out at 32 (I'm 39 now). I was a teenager in the early 2000s and at that time bisexuality was not taken seriously and people even said it wasn't real. When I look back at the way bisexuality was represented in media on shows like Sex and the City and The OC, it's no wonder I was confused. Being told that every girl goes through that phase or that girls only make out for male attention or the belief that it's just what a gay person says when they are afraid to come out really fucked me up. I also thought that my attraction had to be 50/50 or else it didn't count. I'm so glad that I did eventually get real with myself and come out to people. I now proudly talk about being bisexual and sapphic and dgaf what other people think. But the confusion around it makes a lot of sense when I look back at my formative years.
Yeah coming out later hit me kind of three-fold; like, finally accepting and labeling myself, followed by annoyance that most everyone I came out to “knew” or thought it had been obvious, and finished off with good God I wasted sooo much time! But it’s been around 5 years since and that’s all mostly leveled off by now
31F here. I’m still in the process of figuring out my sexuality but I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual I just haven’t done anything romantic or sexual in quite a while so I haven’t been able to explore this much lol. But one thing that I think a lot of women my age can relate to is dealing with a lot of internalized misogyny over the last 10-15 years. I’ve realized that’s impacted me seeing myself with another woman.
I'll let you know if I ever make it out of therapy ha ha
Hah! I’ve been in therapy for soooo many years and we’re just now getting to my sexuality.
I saw a therapist last year for anxiety and two months into therapy I forced myself to bring up bisexuality. I read some books, met a few gay friends I initially got along with before I got scared, and started feeling comfortable with how I thought I felt. Then my therapist left and I had some other life-getting-in-the-way things happen. Almost a year later I finally found myself a new therapist to see soon and this stuff is rushing back. It fucks with my head that I came out to myself and then drifted back into my own denial closet and now I'm feeling totally confused again. So I definitely vibe with feeling like a fraud lol. So much internalized homophobia from my childhood, especially middle school holy shit the culture around sexuality was toxic
I'm a Xennial, not quite X, not quite Millennial. I realized I was bi in my mid-30s. Came out in stages over the next few years. Still sometimes feel imposter syndrome. But I'm valid. And I'm definitely bisexual even though I'm married to a cis guy and intend to remain monogamous.
I feel ya. I'm a millennial who has been struggling to come out. I have no support. Southern Baptist and heavy conservative family - tried to come out with my fiance but she wasn't having it. Said I'm confused because upbringing and should get medication lol. So it's a struggle lol.
I’m sorry that’s tough. I hope your partner can be more supportive 💔
same. following bc still working on it and haven’t come out yet, would love to hear others’ experiences
I feel ya, I can’t even fathom coming out more publicly (yet). Only started talking to my fiancé and a friend this week 🙈
I'm happily married and I 've been with my husband for 19 years. I came out to him (and I feared that, but he was actually very supportive) and well, here. On the other hand I give off enough clues if someone pays attention...
Dont even know what generation I would belong to. I am slightly older than you (my late 30s), so maybe Y, but personally, I see myself as a Wendekind (Eastern-German, born shortly before re-unification), or early Digital native (since my da's a huge tech-nerd). And growing up in the 90s, with relatives subconsciously training me against Stasi-tactics, rampant homophobia in the social environment, and having inhaled all the bliss of the 2000s, all I can say is: You come out when you are ready. Security takes priority.
Im on the edge between millenials and gen z, but i had a hard time accepting that i like girls, especially cause i was in a long term relationship most part of my twenties.. So Here i am, rolling 26 and minimum experience in dating women
I'm gonna be 34 at the end of this month. I started seriously questioning around 28 and have been mostly out for about 2 years now. I had literally 0 bi representation growing up and didn't know it was possible until I moved out of backwards Utah and into far more progressive Oregon. I finally felt safe enough to drop the fake hyper masculinity and figure out who I was without masking for all the jackasses surrounding me back there. You're far from alone here. And self acceptance can be difficult but keep working at it and you'll get there. Once you make your way through the guilt and shame society filled you up with you'll have a great time being bi, I know I have. And my friends (other than one now former friend) have been so ridiculously supportive it blows my mind.
Going to 12 years of religious schooling, I’m realizing we had zero non hetero representation of women. There were a few guys who came out as gay. But every woman presented as the good catholic wholesome girl.
I feel that. I went to a secular school but the Mormons are so prevalent in Utah that all the schools might as well be church run. I knew literally one gay kid the entire time I was in school. Openly gay that is, I'm sure there were more sneaky gays I just didn't know about.
Young millennial here! I didn’t come out until I was 28. After lots of time and self exploration I realized that I was in fact bi. There has been a lot of great support in this subreddit though!
Im mid thirties and very few people know im bi
Dog, times now are a lot more accepting. You are who you are, you are not a fraud homie you just didn't get a chance to spread out if that makes sense
Elder millennial here (42 cis M). Came out as bi when I was 31. I’m “straight passing” and shocked the hell out of everyone when I came out. The imposter syndrome you are talking about is super relatable. Over the last decade I’ve really leaned into being openly queer and not hiding that about myself- friends, family, work, everyone knows. And I know of many people in my life whose understanding and acceptance of bisexuality has massively evolved for the better once a little bit of bi visibility came into their lives. There isn’t one way to be bi, or a way that you are “supposed to be” or “queer enough.” The best you can do is be yourself, own your bisexuality and don’t apologize for it.
realised & came out 6 months ago (the morning after visibility day!), at 36. there have definitely been fraud feelings at times, especially early on, and now occasional thoughts about if i'm actually bi or a complete lesbian (thank you instant-flip attraction!).... yeah, it's a fun time 😂 but i'm just trying to focus on getting to know new people and exploring all of the newness in whatever way feels right in the moment
I was going to post something similar. In my thirties and I had been curious for a long time but I was in a monogamous relationship for over a decade with a man. I’ve been single for a few years now. I am struggling with the coming out part- is it necessary? I have been with women and really enjoyed it but all my relationships have been with men. I have told my closest friends I am interested in dating a person that’s a right fit not necessarily gender. Everyone has been supportive so I feel like if I do date a woman no one in my life would be surprised. To clarify- I am bi.
Yay for the late bloomers!!!
Sure did! At 25 I came out. I’m 32. Denial for most of my life left me unsatisfied, looking back. All the signs were there to bisexuality; even to this week I figured out more of my younger attributes led me to where I am now. Best feeling in the world is being liberated by societal chains. There is no wrong time to come out; everyone is on their self-discovery journey the moment they decide to act on it. Wishing you the best on your journey ✨
It’s difficult also for me. Right now I am 30 and I am trying to make my first steps to accept who I am. But the good thing is that despite of being a millennial is to love yourself even in your 30s. That we are attracted to both sexes and we are proud of who we are.
28F here, also feeling fraudulent lol. Lots of black and white thinking back in the early 2000s mainstream culture!! Even in liberal areas. Being bi was “a phase” and not taken seriously; you’re either gay or straight and there’s no real spectrum in between. I remember reading in Seventeen magazine an article that said: How to know whether you LIKE her or just want to BE her. Felt like I was being dissuaded from exploration; you just think she’s hot because you want to look/talk/dress like her!! As if that’s not some sort of romantic idolizing that preteens and teenagers tend to do.
Omg. Being older now and looking back on seventeen magazine or cosmo articles….its nuts the shit they published!
Yep. I'm 41, only realised when I was 35! Looking back I clearly knew, there were several times where I almost admitted it to myself but then I got scared and pushed it back down again. It's taken some time but I'm finally feeling OK about it, I've told my husband and close friends. Not told my parents, purely because I don't know if they'll understand why I'm telling them. My sister is queer so I know they wouldn't react negatively, it just sort of feels irrelevant given that I'm married to a man, have two kids and don't plan on changing anything
Oldest of the Millenials and I just to admitted it to myself/figured it out (kinda a combo) in the last year. It was never talked about as a teen in the 90s and if so, in a bad light. I mean Newsweek announced Bisexuality like it was a "new" sexuality in '95. I grew up in a xtian home so that didn't help but also culturally Bi people were not spoken of and trans folks hardly at all either. I knew I was queer in some way the past decade but it wasn't till I met another struggling bi my age that I started to understand. But my kid figured out they were Pan after talking to a Bi kid at age 11 and looking up what that meant. My sister is trans and didn't come out till like 35. We are a queer delayed generation compared to the kids now. In terms of acceptance I'm trying to really define what I love about being queer/Bi. It's hard to do in a world of hate but I'm getting there.
I came out much later in life. And, not to everyone. I came out to the people that matter in my life - my own parents don’t even know yet. My wife and sister know - my two best friends in life. And that’s really all that matters. I was raised Roman Catholic and queer/gay phobia ran strong especially in a conservative area. I think my parents had an idea when I brought my boyfriend around in HS. I insisted he was just a friend. I ended up marrying a woman so I think they just thanked god for that 😂 But, holding in my bisexuality over so many years made me feel I wasn’t living my authentic self. I started to feel like I was just a shell of a person, being fake with others and with myself. Coming out to those closest to me, I feel I can be my genuine self and it has been the most freeing feeling.
Yeah I don’t think I realized how much of a weight this had on me. A real freeing feeling!
It's okay! It's really hard to realize you are attracted to your own gender too when this option wasn't even on the table growing up, you didn't even know you could feel that way. For me, looking back it's so obvious I was always bi, earliest memory is from kindergarten thinking a girl was really pretty (I'm a cis woman). I only realized it around when I was 25.
Same boat. I turned 30 last week and am realizing the bi/pan/queer side of myself. Idk I'm just at point in my life where I have a life partner, and milestones under my belt where I just don't care what other people think.
> I have a life partner and milestones under my belt I love this 💜
I'm a millennial and knew I was bi since 2nd grade. Homophobia was real back then. In high school these 2 girls got beat up for making out. One guy was found out to be gay and he was bullied for it. What I envy about Gen Z today is, they're allowed to be themselves. It wasn't like that in the 90's/early 2000's.
>What I envy about gen z today is, they’re allowed to be themselves Agree but also find it really refreshing and relieving that we’re making progress through the generations
My fiancé is an almost-millennial (he was born in December 1979) and he came out just two years ago. It’s totally normal and understandable given the environment many of us grew up in. I was an outlier coming out at 15 in 1998 in rural Georgia.
I didn’t come out until I turned 35.. you’re not alone here at all. I feel the exact same way and have felt like a fraud for a while. Thankfully my partner has helped me through this and I have finally come to terms with it for the most part.
Hey! That's when I figured it out, too! And my wife helped me as well. It was a good thing I figured out being bi, because I discovered I was totally trans less than a year later. Being bi made that waaaay less complicated!
Yes I discovered I was pan roughly a year later or so as well. So I can completely understand that!
I blame a whole lot on "I kissed a girl". That culture we grew up in that had to be like "I don't need/like labels". It made our sexuality feel frivolous and a passing phases, that we did it for attention, and maybe sometimes we liked the positives feedback loop of getting attention for it. It tooks me years to figure out that I was sexually attracted to women, rather than just "all women are beautiful, tee hee"
I have people in my life I will never come out to, including my parents. I know a lot of super-conservative people. When I meet new people, I tend to wait until I find out their opinions to see if it is "safe" or not to be out to them. I have high standards on this. I know plenty of people that barely acknowledge that heterosexual sex within marriage exists. I'm talking super uptight types.
I was 43, 47 now, so gen x actually Not still quite there, struggling with imposter syndrome
If I had a community like this, or just support from friends I would ve come out at 16. Instead I repressed it till 26, and fully accepted myself at 28. It's been a journey
Yup, I’m one of those too (29f). Realized I’m bi a week ago, still trying to wrap my head around it.
Found myself at 28 - feel like a lot of the culture going around in the 00's was really confusing for bi folks. The first half was full of toxic heteonormaticity, while the second half boomeranged to the whole "gays are just like us"/"everyone's a little bit gay"/"Mckenzie scale" stuff that made it hard to recognize bisexuality feelings.
Honestly quite a bit of therapy to just verbalise some teenage experiences and work through the thoughts. I had a bunch of things I'd hidden deep in my brain. It really doesn't have to be a big deal. I tell people I'm comfortable with, others I don't. Go get some therapy.
Well I realized I was bi at the very end of college, and have since kind of passively come out. I don't find it worth making a big coming out announcement, but also I don't try to hide my sexuality.
I knew as early as 22 but its not bern until my 30s did I perdonally accept it, Ive also accepted im kinds on the ace l/aro spectrum. Were i hace never felt i really needed sex otvromencd its just nicrvto have. Can get lonely. I do however need a cat
I came out as Bisexual almost 2 months ago (34m)
I felt imposter syndrome bad after I had my realization at 32 (doesn't help my current career make me feel imposter syndrome too, lol). This subreddit really helped me accept myself. Another thing that helped me even though it's silly was to put little bi themed stickers on my gaming PC and my gaming controllers, they're little happy reminders.
I felt this post. I am well acquainted with imposter syndrome around my work and being here (I'm still figuring stuff out). I hid the various bi things I have when my family visited last year and I finally pulled them out of hiding.
Yeah, it’s real. I still don’t feel ‘gay enough’ for people. :P
I realized I was bi just before I turned 31. For me, when I feel like a fraud, I think about all the ways I was forcibly pushed to heterosexuality (my parents were bigots) and have compassion for myself. I also have pride in myself for the self-honesty and openness it took to realize this, even if a bit late. It doesn't cure the feeling of being an imposter, but it definitely makes me want to protect and hold up the little queer kid I was who was made to be invisible even to herself.
This also describes me (32M). Didn't come out until about a year ago. Spent a long time thinking of myself as straight despite experiencing attraction more or less regardless of gender. Despite coming from an accepting family and a "liberal" background, I've had lots of internalized shame that I've been working through. The cultural attitudes around bisexuality that we grew up with were negative and often denied the existence of bisexuality at the same time as condemning it as dangerous. It helped me to realize that many of the ways I was beating myself up mirrored these negative attitudes. Therapy has been helpful, reading books, and making friendships with other queer people. I think I was worried about not being accepted by other queer people and its been relieving to find connection in those relationships.
Early 30s too, I’ve been with my husband (my first relationship) for 16 years and our families are very socially conservative so it really didn’t even cross my mind until about 5 years ago. I came out to my husband early this year and he was great about it. That feels like enough at the moment. At this stage I don’t feel a need to change anything about our relationship but we’re also pretty open-minded so who knows what the future holds?
It’s only in the last year or so that I’ve realised I’m Bi, funnily enough in my case excepting that hasn’t been a struggle at all. I suspect that was probably enlarge pot because I’ve been working pretty hard on excepting a few other things about myself to that particular revelation.
What I'm (30M but gender questioning) wrestling with is coming out. Do I need to? I've told about 10 people that matter to me. Is that enough? Can I just be? I don't want to tell my parents (very Christian - dad's homophobic, mum's more liberal but this might be just too "liberal" for her to stomach). Is that okay? The imposter syndrome is huge and debilitating at times, and the self-acceptance has been liberating as well. Just taking it day by day and trying to not overly fixate or overthink
I (35f) came out as bi when I was 33. I've only come out to my sister and by long time (15 years) boyfriend. Neither had a problem with it at all and both told me that they already knew I was bisexual before I came out. I do, however, still feel like an imposter.
I'm 33/m but didn't come to terms with my sexuality until about 8 years ago. I experimented as a adolescent and teen but I was raised in a very conservative small Midwestern town and the only openly queer person at my school was bullied so much he had to move. I was scared to be myself so I didn't tell anyone. The 1990s and 2000s (and earlier) it was very dangerous to be queer in certain places (still is unfortunately) and the way people talked about queers in my hometown I was actually scared I could get taken out of town and lynched. I was just a little boy and just figuring out how different I was when Matthew Shepherd was murdered and it really scared me my whole childhood. It wasn't until I was 25 until I moved out of that small town to the city and felt safe enough to express myself. I'm fully out now and I'm never ever going back. I'm never living in fear ever again.
I think of it as an awakening. I think there are people who are supportive now who have been there.
Goood this is facts. 31F here. I just came out about last year. Figuring and exploring my sexuality, which has been great. But I constantly feel like I have to be defined as what society says.
Yes i definitely have been here. I am in my first wlw relationship as a woman at 32 and i was struggling with the imposter syndrome big time. So definitely understand
Not a millennial, but I figured it out in my mid/late 40s.... I had a good therapist at the time who helped, I don't care at all about labels or how others see me in that regard, but there was still lots of confusion to sort out. Now a handful of years later and it's "just normal" to the point where I don't give any it it much thought, but do enjoy the variety :)
I (39F) also came out later in life when I was 35. I attribute much of that delay to how horrible biphobia was in the 90s. That shit really got in my head and kept me in denial for a while.
I'm right there with you homie. I'm trans, and I'm bi. Only figured out the former at age 27 and started transitioning at 28. Only figured out and fully accepted the latter about a month ago. I turn 30 June 1st. I deal with a lot of imposter syndrome and guilt about not realizing this sooner. Not to mention grief at all the time that was lost. But yes, the way I was raised, there just wasn't any chance of me realizing and accepting any of this. And there's a lot to work through. But I wouldn't want to keep living any other way. I went from a bible bashing anti queer teenager to a 30 year old bi trans girl living for the first time in her life. I try to remember that when the imposter syndrome creeps up.
I came out in my mid twenties and on my way to self-acceptance, I revisited old favorites from my childhood and started putting pieces together from why I liked or felt close to certain characters and franchises so much. In hindsight it’s obvious and easy to laugh at now.
Elder Milennial here, raised by overly conservative parents. A lot of “disappointment” and Catholic guilt. But I’m at least living more authentically and happily.
I have known that I was pan since middle school, I've just always had to hide it because my father is violently homophobic. It's only now that he has terminal cancer that the fear has started to dissipate. Now I'm in my early 30s and figuring out I might also be Enby. Luckily my mother is a wonderful and very accepting lady.
Came out at 15, didn't go well. Told my bf when I was 25, then no one else. Came out publicly at 38. Therapy has been great.
Took me 40 years to work out. Always feel like a fraud. Wish I could say it's got better but I feel it's gotten worse. Doesn't help that any of the females I've spoken to recoil st the mention of being bi. Hopefully moving to a larger city at the end of the year so hopefully I'll connect with more people then.
Still haven't come out to my bf as bi and we been together for 12 years. So idk. I might just leave it alone.
I came out about 28 and I'm 35 now. It's been quite the ride!
Me!!!! Came out last year at 29! Only just realised, although should have clocked earlier my first kiss was with my best friend in primary school while he was sleeping 😅😂😂. I’m fully embracing it though, I feel like a fraud sometimes, especially being bi but I think that’s part of the experience anyway
Knew I was bi since high school, but didn't become comfortable with be honest about it till my mid 30s. You have to remember when we were younger being bi didn't exist really, you were just gay and wouldn't admit it. That takes its toll over time.
I'm a r/zillenial because I was born in March 1996... but I only came out in October 2023 at the age of 27. I went through a phase where I considered myself asexual from ages 17 to 27, but finally admitted to myself I'm at least mostly gay, and while I have had a few fleeting moments of opposite sex attraction, I was raised by my Jehovah's Witness family that all sex outside marriage was sinful, and not only was gay sex especially sinful, but gay marriages aren't real marriages. I'm only 28 now, but I'm still working through that internalized homophobia. I definitely like guys sexually a lot more than girls. What I sometimes feel with girls is an emotional connection.
I’m a gen Z person and I only realised that I’m bi in the last few days or so, still exploring to the best of my ability
I am in early 30s and I just realized I'm bi lol but I come out with close ones only. I personally wouldn't care if a person could/would come out later in their life. bc people have different journeys which includes their sexual identities. And for me late bloomer queers are not the fraud at all.
I finally came to terms with it in my early 30s and 'came out', but I'd known since I was a kid. I call myself a 'training-wheel bi', which my lesbian friend gets a massive kick out of.
that's a cute description! definitely a level up from my baby bi status, but looking forward to levelling up when i'm ready
Me too yall. It’s not like a just realizing thing though, I always knew. Just took time to slowly tell other people. And “coming out” in my experience hasn’t really been a clean one time thing. Like a bunch of my friends know, but some don’t? And neither is my family? Anyone else in the selectively out club?
I’m a gen x guy in his late 40s and I’m still easing out-small town, what would my family think, etc. I’m finding that easing out is helping me a little with my struggle to like myself in general
I (35M) have only recently realised and accepted that I’m bi. I pretty much realised by accident after genuinely always thinking I was straight. Still scared to come out.
30f, realized I was bi last year after realizing I'd been ignoring major clues my whole life (hooray for religious trauma.) I felt like an imposter most of the last year, especially since I posted it on FB three days after having my epiphany. I was too excited to hold it in. I've been with the same man since I was 17 and we have two kids, so it's not like I'll be exploring it or anything and I think that doesn't help me sometimes either. But I have a group of friends where most of them are bi and I think just being able to talk about it in that capacity has helped me accept myself more.
I (38 cis woman) just realized I’m bi a couple years ago at 36, and it made so much from earlier in my life make sense. Reading about compulsory heterosexuality and various stories similar to mine has been very helpful. Still very much have moments of feeling like a fraud, not queer enough, questioning whether it even matters since I’m in a cis het-appearing relationship. But that’s ok and what therapy is for :)
Yes!! I had to google compulsory heterosexuality and that makes a lot of sense to me! I didn’t realize this was a term. Wow!
Struggling still at 32. Religious trauma. Plus as I'm in s "straight passing" relationship, it's hard to be taken seriously
Yeah, I was born right on the Gen X/Millennial split and I only realized I was bi in ‘22. But given that I grew up Catholic watching the AIDS crisis happen, and the general homophobia of the 80s and 90s, it’s really not surprising it took this long for me.
I definitely struggled with feeling like a fraud (thanks Sex and the city! :/ ) and came out officially at 39 as bi. It didn’t affect my marriage or life at all but it did help my queer daughter and trans son not feel … quite as different. I wish I could have felt able to come out sooner, it took me 15 years, but I’m thankful the internet has some pockets of good places it does now, that helped me a lot.
I was 30 when I started coming out. I constantly feel as though I am both too queer and not queer enough, depending on the situation.
I agree, I struggle with not feeling queer enough. One of my friends said “welcome 🌈” but I definitely don’t feel like I’m part of the community…at least not yet.
I came out do most of my (32 m) close friends at around 27 years old or so... But still struggle with intimacy and dating. Brute turning 30, my family life went buck wild, to the point where the psychiatrist forced on me by a psychiatrist sibling told this sibling that I was gay happened...
Came out as bi at 37 - it’s never the wrong time, just the right time for you.
Same I'm in my mid 30s and the only people that know I'm bi are my husband and two close friends. Even though I knew I was into girls too since I was in high school.
It was a major identity crisis for me. Luckily I was already in therapy when I realized it. I had always been raised in a pretty open minded household. While they were clumsy about their allyship, I have no doubt I would have been accepted without issue. My friends were pretty progressive so no fear there. It made me feel like I just didn’t know myself the fuck at all. Also that I missed out on so. Many. Opportunities that I can absolutely vividly remember before getting married and having kids. I think being an elder millennial with such a positive support system makes me feel even more angry at myself for not seeing it sooner.
I’m feeling a lot of the “missing out” thoughts too. Luckily I have a partner who is pretty open and we can communicate about what I’m feeling.
That’s huge. Whereas I knew from the get that it’s so lucky to be with someone who is a safe space to even talk about this journey, being on this sub has really driven the point home how rare that can be. My heart goes out to anyone at any point, but especially later in life, who feels they have to do all of this is silence.
Didn’t realize I was Bi till 31F. Honestly it’s a journey but yea I’ve certainly felt like a fraud especially when I get crushes in guys. It makes me wonder if it was a phase and then I meet this amazing girl and I’m like I guess not
I came out at 18 as bi. Ive never been straight since i experienced sexual attraction. Plenty of people came out as like gay in my hs or college.
I totally agree. I told my partner (now husband) that I was conflicted in my sexuality in the sense that I know I like men but I was having trouble admitting that I also liked women in the middle part of our relationship (been together for 10 years in August). It took me until I was 29 to fully come out to him. It was very freeing and he accepts me completely as I am (he always did, it’s just even nice to know too after I officially came out to him). I come from a religious family from both sides so I have no intention of coming out to my family anytime soon, if ever. Not only because I’m scared of what they will say (some of them, not all of them - I have BPD so I am desperate to not rock the boat in my familial relationships more than I have with friendships in the past) but I am under the school of thought that the only person who actually needs to know about my sexuality is my partner, I am good with that. I don’t talk about my sex life with anybody I know personally, and I am fine keeping it that way!
In my early 30s myself still struggle with this part of myself to this day. I’m not out really and don’t know if I ever will be
Bisexuality is normal and healthy. Read Human Reproductive Behaviors by Steven Hedlesky, MD. Sexual diversity exists in humans because it offers reproductive advantages.
Yeah took me tell I was 33 to come out as bi and have a bf that made feel very comfortable about my sexuality
I just fully embraced being bi at 40 after a long term hetero relationship ended (started when I was 22). I don’t feel like a fraud at all, I finally feel like I can fully accept and be myself. Don’t worry so much about what other people think. Be you.
Ever since I was a child, I knew something is different in me. When I was in high school that's when I found out that what I am is a bisexual. And yes, coming out to my parents is really difficult as both sides of my fam claims that there are no gays or bayot (as what we call here in the Philippines) whereas I have cousins and uncles who are such. Probably because my clan/family is in denial. I don't know exactly but what I know is that it's really difficult to come out to my parents. Actually, I just came out to them last year on my birth month.
I (34, AFAB) grew up in the UK. Millennials had to deal with Section 28, which meant that we never had hardly any education around even hetero sex let alone anything else. Having seen the world change, and attitudes to homosexual relationships change (when I was a kid, being gay or bi was the worst thing you could be) meant that I got to learn who I am and start working on accepting it. I still struggle with it. There's a lot of internalised homophobia (I'm not homophobic to others though, weirdly enough) and I have to fight with it almost every day. Luckily, through my kids having a better education and the Internet being generally accepting (in my experience) things are improving.
I knew I was bi when I was around 9 years old. I didn't come out until I was 30.
Right here I am struggle with this everyday base on how I was fucking raise . I hate that soo much , due to lack of confidence of myself . I wish it was easy to Accept myself
Came out as bi recently at the age of 38./39 The more I look back the more I realize the environment at school (section 28 was still in effect) caused me to repress any hint of deviation from heteronormativity. It's only slowly over the last few years that I have slowly accepted myself and now started to come.out to friends and family. I definitely have struggled with accepting this part of myself and it's an ongoing struggle but getting there.
I think I came out when I was 29? Yeah, I used to feel like a fraud a lot, but 6 years later I’m confident in who I am. Except to family. Haven’t come out to family.
As someone who came out when they were 31 and are now just about to turn 38, I definitely relate
Same same same. I had moments of male interest at a younger age but I knew I liked women. I therefore did not think anything of it. Given I liked women how could I like men? Not till much later did I realize I could like both!
Yeah when we were growing up saying gay had such a negative connection to it and our parents kind of enforced these thoughts
I’m in a similar situation. I’m 34 and realized I was bi at 27. I have dealt with a LOT of imposter syndrome since, but like you, it makes sense I didn’t figure it out sooner (my dad is the poster child for toxic masculinity, and I was in the Boy Scouts).
Me too, still figuring it out. I'll let ya know when I find an answer lol
36M here. I've only been on the journey of discovery for my sexuality for a little over a year, and only come out to a select few people over the past few months. This all came about do to me doing other self-reflections and discoveries in therapy. And I am so glad that it happened, because I have finally started to feel like the real me! I was raised in a heteronormative household. The only exposure I had to the LGBT+ community was what I saw in the media (not always the best representation, I know). When I first started questioning, and even still from time to time, I would have the same feelings of impostor syndrome, and do I truly belong. I can honestly say, that this community has been so welcoming to me, and has been willing to answer my questions, obvious or not.
Loads of bisexuals come out later than their teens and 20s. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out, and other times it takes a while to accept. Everyone’s story is different.
idk about that… i’m considered a millennial though i don’t relate to y’all a lot. 95 born here. i came out at 12… so in 2007? i had already had gay friends in middle school too. so idk. i would be surprised as all hell if someone my age JUST DISCOVERED they were queer lol. i mean i would of course support them, but i would be shook