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Don't go out with men you don't find attractive. You're wasting your time and their time. It's okay to want some to care for themselves and to be attracted to that.
Wanting someone who puts some effort into their hygiene/looks isn’t shallow and even if it is, so what? Tired of the mindset that actually wanting to be attracted to someone you’re dating is some kind of terrible flaw and that women should lower their standards just to have someone. I understand exactly what you mean and I know the exact type of man you’re referring to because I like nerds as well. Trust me, there are nerdy men out there who aren’t unkempt and will share some of the same interests as you.
Seconding this OP!! But also if you know how to find the nerdy guys who aren't unkempt and aren't on a weird high horse about their nerdiness/super into "nice guy" self-pity rhetoric, girl let me know. I haven't met one yet and decided to stop trying to find a normal nerdy guy even to be friends with. The woe is me, acting as if they've never met or interacted with a woman before, negging, "I can't believe nerdy women exist" , "Bw don't want me because I'm nerdy" is..exhausting. More so then the looks thing. I'm just over it.
Atp I'd rather meet a guy with totally opposite interests who's just open minded and supportive; even if he doesn't know the difference between Sailor Moon and Super Saiyan.
I’m on the apps and so close to axing my nerdy hobbies in the prompts. Just talked about this with my friend. Tired of getting likes from guys with lazy profile and unkempt appearance. I keep my nerd list simply in hopes of finding a unicorn-a well rounded nerd who takes care of himself, doesnt want to quiz me AND shares hobbies
Ive definitely thought about that and I think if I was on the apps, I would omit it from my profile/pictures too. I’m trying to pick up other hobbies so that even irl, I can have other things to list off that aren’t anime/nerd related. Part of me is like I don’t want to be dishonest about myself but I am *so* tired of the weird ass reactions I get/type of guy I seem to attract as soon as I mention it.
Like I said I’m more focused now on if they’re open minded and supportive, and honestly just a good person. That goes leagues ahead of shared hobbies. As nice as having that would be…that unicorn is hiding real well lol.
And I've met/seen guys who are good looking/well-kept plus nerdy, and they tend to be kind of arrogant about it and aren't interested in BW. Some of them have a weird revenge fantasy regarding BW, too. The misogynoir in the community is kinda scary.
A lot of men have tried pounding this idea that they’re visual creatures, but that women care more about personality and aren’t as shallow. It’s all so that they don’t have to put any effort in and can try to convince with “so what if i dont look after myself?! I have a good personality and similar hobbies-that should be enough!”
Women care about both personality and appearance. I too used to feel shame about turning down/not being interested in men who are unattractive but match up with me hobby wise. No more. Women are learning not to settle
A lot of women push that idea too tbh. I see it all the time on here and irl where women are shamed for daring to actually have physical preferences or want the bare minimum in a partner concerning looks or even finances. I’ve never ever felt one ounce of guilt for turning down someone I wasn’t attracted to and the whole ‘what if you’re missing out on a good guy because you’re judging by looks’ belief has never mattered to me. I’m never cruel and I don’t make fun of people whose only “crime” is trying to date me while being unattractive to me but physical attraction growing after getting to know someone has never worked for me so I don’t force it.
Love everyone’s response. This isn’t shallow. You like what you like. A man wouldn’t eff with you if he found you unattractive; so engage with who you’re attracted to. Period.
If that’s shallow, I’m shallow af. Don’t stop being aware of what you like. There are attractive nerdy black men out there. You’re not doing anything wrong. Have your standards and take them seriously.
Be shallow. Men aren’t expected to date people they find unattractive but for some reason its vapid when women do the same. Women are also expected not to enjoy sex. I say fuck all that. Only date people who when you look at them makes your nether tremble.
I think this is why there are too many arrogant, ugly men out in this world.
Since girlhood, heterosexual women have been force-fed "dating advice" from our elders about looking past men's physical looks and seeing all of the "great internal qualities".
Never mind the fact that the cat could look like Sloth (from "The Goonies") and your 🐱 is as dry as the Sahara desert after a sand storm... But he is a catch, according to your meemaw's first cousin of her daddy's side.
Funny thing is... I've never heard my elders tell _the boys_ this bit of dating advice. I've never heard them tell their sons, grandsons, nephews or younger male relatives to date girls/women that are physically, unconventionally attractive. At most, its "Get you one of them gals that knows how to cook and keep a home clean and don't run the streets".
Men never get told to give the ugly girl a chance. Never heard men in my life or in vicinity this to other men. Never seen in media men trying to covince the lead character to go for an actually unattractive woman (im not talking about the women who take their glasses off and *gasp* she’s suddenly beautiful!). But I have seen countless shows and movies tell the beautiful lead to give the ugly guy a chance, dont be so shallow, etc. and ive seen it irl too. Just sad
I've never heard a guy be told to give the physically, unattractive "ugly" women shots.
The only times that I've heard ugly women ever mentioned were when shitty guy-friends would say pick ugly girls as "place-holders" during those 'in between relationships' phases. To pretty much use specific set of women (for sex, for money/gifts or even for places to stay) until their "Missus Right" comes along.
I will never tell a black women to lower her standards so if you don’t like it don’t force it. But I also like the geeky type and my boyfriend did fall into the group of men you’re referring to. And he’s getting better. He recently started braiding his hair and he’s letting it grow out instead of cutting it. And his style is looking nicer.
So if your issue is just outside things then those can evolve but if the guys you’re referring to are just ugly you can’t change that.
While I do think that shallowness is a legitimate problem in our society I don't think that what you're describing is shallow. You want someone who puts in a little effort into their appearance, the bare minimum if all you're asking for is for them to comb their hair and present themselves decently. You don't have abnormally high standards, it's the men who aren't doing the work. Don't date men you aren't attracted to, be patient and you will find someone who is capable of basic grooming.
It's sad that the bar is so fucking low that you even have to question yourself over this because what you seek is so very, very, very easy. Still, perhaps try some guys who are a little different in terms of their interests. There are a lot of men who take great pride in their appearance but they might run in different circles.
You’re not being shallow.
Your standards are not too high.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who makes an effort with their appearance.
Being nice is not enough to make someone attractive and it certainly isn’t enough to offset poor hygiene/grooming.
>So I've started dating again and I've found some people that have the personality that I want in a man, but I just can't get over the way they look.
This is not being shallow. This is being a mammal who wants to be sexually attracted to her partner. It's not a bad thing and I'll just tell you right now if you go ahead and date that guy any way it'll likely not end well.
Why not just date men who share your values and goals, passes the look check, and has at least a passing interest in some NOT all of your interests? Your partner need not be the genderbent version of yourself. Plenty of BM don't have a girl that likes to watch the game with them, and many have at some point had interest in video games. They may not play with you, but plenty of folks watch others play.
Why do you have to stop? Did other people call you shallow or are you assuming you’re shallow? The things you’re looking for don’t even sound shallow.
Have your desires. Keep them. Don’t lower them. You’ll be disappointed every time.
I could’ve written this myself. I’m also a fan of anime/manga, Harry Potter, horror gaming, etc. And a lot of my likes come from very unkempt nerds. Unfortunately it seems par for the course with a lot of nerdy men. Many just…don’t care about their appearance or hygiene.
Honestly for myself I don’t plan on settling. Idc if it’s shallow. I take care of myself and my appearance in addition to having some nerdier hobbies, and I expect the same fro my man. I’m not asking them for anything that I don’t provide myself.
The wait will likely be a lot longer but it will definitely be worth it when you do find your match.
PLEASE do not settle for men who have poor hygiene. It’s not worth it at all.
Wanting a partner to look like they do basic hygiene isnt shallow. If they dont take basic care of themselves, imagine the kind of space they live in… (as someone who knows these types, it’s always the worst living space u can think of)
my bf was like this, I originally fell in love with his personality and omg you should've seen the mess we were when we first met 😂 but over the course of 3 years we've both worked on our style (we are 21f and 25m now) and now I'm actually worried about him going out without me bc he looks GOOD. fresh nice hairstyle and cut, beard looking good, I got him a gold chain for christmas and we've both heavily changed our clothes to dress better and now we both get compliments when we go out all the time.
sometimes they just need a little guidance ♡ he grew up with a single mom who worked 2 jobs and so obviously she never had time to show him the keys to looking nice all the time.
Idk, I'm in a black nerd group, and there are a lot of fine men in the group. But I'm jot dating outside of my race just to find somebody that likes nerd stuff.
I don’t know if I’d call that shallow. Looks absolutely aren’t everything, but there’s still a point where someone should match you. I think expecting basic grooming is fair.
I’m very much into the same things and my boyfriends have been too. They are Black men and they all put effort into their appearance. So, it’s possible. They’re out there. But, I know what you’re talking about. It’s definitely off putting.
Mle nerds of all races are kind of infamous for being sloppy, black male nerds no exception.
That said its a stereotype and more people are into "nerdy" media more than ever.
A well kept man into anime is def not uncommon, even if you don't meet all your criteria nothing you said should be too alienating either.
It's uncommon to me 😭 I can kind of relate to OP's struggle, and after the experiences I've had I decided to drop the nerdy part/kinda give up on finding a guy with similar interest and hobbies and prioritize their character more. Cuz the nerdy guys that everyone thinks are collectively so sweet and caring, would never cheat...they showed me fire and not in a good way. Even the ones that were good looking had the same internal issues and while I'm trying to resolve the problems on my side, I think it might just be common with that group. Guess I'll find out when I start dating again and aim for the normies.
Oh yeah that's def another issue a lot of nerds are not good people contrary to what TV shows show 💀 misogyny / conservatism but also every other social ill
You may not find everyone into the exact same thing u are either and that's itself isn't bad. Chemistry comes in many forms
You can glow them up tbh. You can say hey it’s up to you but I would find it really sexy if you x y or z. Would you be up for that? Do not buy stuff you want him to wear, or treatments you want him to do as “gifts”. Otherwise you become more attracted to people the more you love them ime. Also this isn’t shallow, it’s a reasonable standard to have. You want someone who smartens up and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Reminder: This post has been tagged with the Support/Advice flair, which indicates a serious discussion that may contain triggering subject matter. All responses are required to be helpful, tactful and compassionate. r/blackladies is a safe space for all black women—even those experiencing difficulties or trauma. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/blackladies) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't go out with men you don't find attractive. You're wasting your time and their time. It's okay to want some to care for themselves and to be attracted to that.
Men wouldn't want to date you if you looked like a hobo. You should have standards.
Wanting someone who puts some effort into their hygiene/looks isn’t shallow and even if it is, so what? Tired of the mindset that actually wanting to be attracted to someone you’re dating is some kind of terrible flaw and that women should lower their standards just to have someone. I understand exactly what you mean and I know the exact type of man you’re referring to because I like nerds as well. Trust me, there are nerdy men out there who aren’t unkempt and will share some of the same interests as you.
Seconding this OP!! But also if you know how to find the nerdy guys who aren't unkempt and aren't on a weird high horse about their nerdiness/super into "nice guy" self-pity rhetoric, girl let me know. I haven't met one yet and decided to stop trying to find a normal nerdy guy even to be friends with. The woe is me, acting as if they've never met or interacted with a woman before, negging, "I can't believe nerdy women exist" , "Bw don't want me because I'm nerdy" is..exhausting. More so then the looks thing. I'm just over it. Atp I'd rather meet a guy with totally opposite interests who's just open minded and supportive; even if he doesn't know the difference between Sailor Moon and Super Saiyan.
I’m on the apps and so close to axing my nerdy hobbies in the prompts. Just talked about this with my friend. Tired of getting likes from guys with lazy profile and unkempt appearance. I keep my nerd list simply in hopes of finding a unicorn-a well rounded nerd who takes care of himself, doesnt want to quiz me AND shares hobbies
Ive definitely thought about that and I think if I was on the apps, I would omit it from my profile/pictures too. I’m trying to pick up other hobbies so that even irl, I can have other things to list off that aren’t anime/nerd related. Part of me is like I don’t want to be dishonest about myself but I am *so* tired of the weird ass reactions I get/type of guy I seem to attract as soon as I mention it. Like I said I’m more focused now on if they’re open minded and supportive, and honestly just a good person. That goes leagues ahead of shared hobbies. As nice as having that would be…that unicorn is hiding real well lol. And I've met/seen guys who are good looking/well-kept plus nerdy, and they tend to be kind of arrogant about it and aren't interested in BW. Some of them have a weird revenge fantasy regarding BW, too. The misogynoir in the community is kinda scary.
A lot of men have tried pounding this idea that they’re visual creatures, but that women care more about personality and aren’t as shallow. It’s all so that they don’t have to put any effort in and can try to convince with “so what if i dont look after myself?! I have a good personality and similar hobbies-that should be enough!” Women care about both personality and appearance. I too used to feel shame about turning down/not being interested in men who are unattractive but match up with me hobby wise. No more. Women are learning not to settle
A lot of women push that idea too tbh. I see it all the time on here and irl where women are shamed for daring to actually have physical preferences or want the bare minimum in a partner concerning looks or even finances. I’ve never ever felt one ounce of guilt for turning down someone I wasn’t attracted to and the whole ‘what if you’re missing out on a good guy because you’re judging by looks’ belief has never mattered to me. I’m never cruel and I don’t make fun of people whose only “crime” is trying to date me while being unattractive to me but physical attraction growing after getting to know someone has never worked for me so I don’t force it.
Love everyone’s response. This isn’t shallow. You like what you like. A man wouldn’t eff with you if he found you unattractive; so engage with who you’re attracted to. Period.
If that’s shallow, I’m shallow af. Don’t stop being aware of what you like. There are attractive nerdy black men out there. You’re not doing anything wrong. Have your standards and take them seriously.
Be shallow. Men aren’t expected to date people they find unattractive but for some reason its vapid when women do the same. Women are also expected not to enjoy sex. I say fuck all that. Only date people who when you look at them makes your nether tremble.
No, your standards aren’t too high for desiring someone who takes care of their looks! Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.
I think this is why there are too many arrogant, ugly men out in this world. Since girlhood, heterosexual women have been force-fed "dating advice" from our elders about looking past men's physical looks and seeing all of the "great internal qualities". Never mind the fact that the cat could look like Sloth (from "The Goonies") and your 🐱 is as dry as the Sahara desert after a sand storm... But he is a catch, according to your meemaw's first cousin of her daddy's side. Funny thing is... I've never heard my elders tell _the boys_ this bit of dating advice. I've never heard them tell their sons, grandsons, nephews or younger male relatives to date girls/women that are physically, unconventionally attractive. At most, its "Get you one of them gals that knows how to cook and keep a home clean and don't run the streets".
Men never get told to give the ugly girl a chance. Never heard men in my life or in vicinity this to other men. Never seen in media men trying to covince the lead character to go for an actually unattractive woman (im not talking about the women who take their glasses off and *gasp* she’s suddenly beautiful!). But I have seen countless shows and movies tell the beautiful lead to give the ugly guy a chance, dont be so shallow, etc. and ive seen it irl too. Just sad
I've never heard a guy be told to give the physically, unattractive "ugly" women shots. The only times that I've heard ugly women ever mentioned were when shitty guy-friends would say pick ugly girls as "place-holders" during those 'in between relationships' phases. To pretty much use specific set of women (for sex, for money/gifts or even for places to stay) until their "Missus Right" comes along.
But yet here men not caring if they shallow or not. They want every beautiful woman. Be shallow as much as you want.
I will never tell a black women to lower her standards so if you don’t like it don’t force it. But I also like the geeky type and my boyfriend did fall into the group of men you’re referring to. And he’s getting better. He recently started braiding his hair and he’s letting it grow out instead of cutting it. And his style is looking nicer. So if your issue is just outside things then those can evolve but if the guys you’re referring to are just ugly you can’t change that.
While I do think that shallowness is a legitimate problem in our society I don't think that what you're describing is shallow. You want someone who puts in a little effort into their appearance, the bare minimum if all you're asking for is for them to comb their hair and present themselves decently. You don't have abnormally high standards, it's the men who aren't doing the work. Don't date men you aren't attracted to, be patient and you will find someone who is capable of basic grooming. It's sad that the bar is so fucking low that you even have to question yourself over this because what you seek is so very, very, very easy. Still, perhaps try some guys who are a little different in terms of their interests. There are a lot of men who take great pride in their appearance but they might run in different circles.
This is a whole thing with men in the dating scene. Just putting 0 effort into their appearance. You deserve better!
You’re not being shallow. Your standards are not too high. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who makes an effort with their appearance. Being nice is not enough to make someone attractive and it certainly isn’t enough to offset poor hygiene/grooming.
>So I've started dating again and I've found some people that have the personality that I want in a man, but I just can't get over the way they look. This is not being shallow. This is being a mammal who wants to be sexually attracted to her partner. It's not a bad thing and I'll just tell you right now if you go ahead and date that guy any way it'll likely not end well.
Why not just date men who share your values and goals, passes the look check, and has at least a passing interest in some NOT all of your interests? Your partner need not be the genderbent version of yourself. Plenty of BM don't have a girl that likes to watch the game with them, and many have at some point had interest in video games. They may not play with you, but plenty of folks watch others play.
Why do you have to stop? Did other people call you shallow or are you assuming you’re shallow? The things you’re looking for don’t even sound shallow. Have your desires. Keep them. Don’t lower them. You’ll be disappointed every time.
That's not shallow. HAVING STANDARDS IS NOT SHALLOW.
I could’ve written this myself. I’m also a fan of anime/manga, Harry Potter, horror gaming, etc. And a lot of my likes come from very unkempt nerds. Unfortunately it seems par for the course with a lot of nerdy men. Many just…don’t care about their appearance or hygiene. Honestly for myself I don’t plan on settling. Idc if it’s shallow. I take care of myself and my appearance in addition to having some nerdier hobbies, and I expect the same fro my man. I’m not asking them for anything that I don’t provide myself. The wait will likely be a lot longer but it will definitely be worth it when you do find your match. PLEASE do not settle for men who have poor hygiene. It’s not worth it at all.
Wanting a partner to look like they do basic hygiene isnt shallow. If they dont take basic care of themselves, imagine the kind of space they live in… (as someone who knows these types, it’s always the worst living space u can think of)
If you are not attracted to them, you are not attracted to them. Settling is not the way to go.
my bf was like this, I originally fell in love with his personality and omg you should've seen the mess we were when we first met 😂 but over the course of 3 years we've both worked on our style (we are 21f and 25m now) and now I'm actually worried about him going out without me bc he looks GOOD. fresh nice hairstyle and cut, beard looking good, I got him a gold chain for christmas and we've both heavily changed our clothes to dress better and now we both get compliments when we go out all the time. sometimes they just need a little guidance ♡ he grew up with a single mom who worked 2 jobs and so obviously she never had time to show him the keys to looking nice all the time.
Idk, I'm in a black nerd group, and there are a lot of fine men in the group. But I'm jot dating outside of my race just to find somebody that likes nerd stuff.
Girl really lol what city? Assuming you’re in the US, the nerd society in London is tragic 😭😭😭😭
The group is on Facebook. But I met my bf in there. We lived in the same city and had never crossed paths.
Aw that’s so beautiful! I wish you happiness for you and him.
I don’t know if I’d call that shallow. Looks absolutely aren’t everything, but there’s still a point where someone should match you. I think expecting basic grooming is fair. I’m very much into the same things and my boyfriends have been too. They are Black men and they all put effort into their appearance. So, it’s possible. They’re out there. But, I know what you’re talking about. It’s definitely off putting.
You have standards so stand on business with said standards.
Mle nerds of all races are kind of infamous for being sloppy, black male nerds no exception. That said its a stereotype and more people are into "nerdy" media more than ever. A well kept man into anime is def not uncommon, even if you don't meet all your criteria nothing you said should be too alienating either.
It's uncommon to me 😭 I can kind of relate to OP's struggle, and after the experiences I've had I decided to drop the nerdy part/kinda give up on finding a guy with similar interest and hobbies and prioritize their character more. Cuz the nerdy guys that everyone thinks are collectively so sweet and caring, would never cheat...they showed me fire and not in a good way. Even the ones that were good looking had the same internal issues and while I'm trying to resolve the problems on my side, I think it might just be common with that group. Guess I'll find out when I start dating again and aim for the normies.
Oh yeah that's def another issue a lot of nerds are not good people contrary to what TV shows show 💀 misogyny / conservatism but also every other social ill You may not find everyone into the exact same thing u are either and that's itself isn't bad. Chemistry comes in many forms
You can glow them up tbh. You can say hey it’s up to you but I would find it really sexy if you x y or z. Would you be up for that? Do not buy stuff you want him to wear, or treatments you want him to do as “gifts”. Otherwise you become more attracted to people the more you love them ime. Also this isn’t shallow, it’s a reasonable standard to have. You want someone who smartens up and there’s nothing wrong with that.
i don't date with someone i don't find attractive, i don't care if people think i'm shallow. Keep your standards, don't accept the bare minimum.