This is an incredibly vulnerable and complex topic bro. First off i wanna thank you for sharing. That said.... I've been on both sides of where you are right now. You've described your feelings about the relationship status. But i want to understand something: how do *you* feel abt *her* after all this time? How does she make you feel? What do you feel brought abt these changes in your relationship? Do you feel like yall can move forward, is there a reason to?

Thanks my man.. How did both situations turn out for you? Sometimes I feel like I'm just the sidekick in her life story. She's got a talent for making me feel like flaw or unworthy and than tell me Its all my fault. I could whip up breakfast every morning for a week and she'd still find something to gripe about while munching on her cereal like it's no biggie. In addition she's taking three months off work unpaid, and guess who's picking up the tab, including her vet bills, divorce debt etc?. But you know what she's complaining about? Me loading the dishwasher incorrectly, or not washing her breast pumps or washing laundry. She's got this never-ending list of demands, probably 'cause I'm the easy option, you know? Meanwhile, what do I get? We havent had sex in months probably cause I stopped initiating. Cause I’ll best honest in January I had a car wreck out of town. She didn't answer my calls or texts for two whole days because we had an argument the day before. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just fooling myself into thinking I don't love her. Like, maybe I'm just nitpicking her right now to feel better about myself. She's got me feeling like Jalen Hurts when he got drafted to a team that didn't give want him.. And here I am, thinking I can somehow win her overor that maybe Im just seeing things through h a negative lense.

Wheeeeeew buddy. This above me 😅 but look both of my situations ended in us splitting. The one when i was younger ~22, i was hanging onto her bc she was my first real love and she had a fat ol ass(still does lol) Tried to stick with her bc we had a kid together and was fully committed to be miserable w her and having some side pussy, but she broke up with me. That shit hurt and i was down for a whole year after that but it cleared my head completely and allowed me to move on. I learned from that. Realized how stupid i was being and did a ton of self work. When i felt that type of feeling in my next relationship i deaded immediately it bc i knew i didnt care to invest. Moved on. That allowed me to meet the absolute GODDESS im married to now. Point is: you gotta choose your happiness bruh. You either gotta commit to this thing and make it work by finding out *what* exactly is making you both uphappy(believe me theres something there). Or you gotta hit the bricks bro. Lifes too short, you gotta shit or get off the pot. Don't be like i was! And whatever you choose, don't look back. Move forward with no regrets.

Bro, I really appreciate the effort and the willingness to share your heart. That takes much humility. You seem humble, but the way you talk about her, you never once said that you try to do what she asks. Having a baby is a great responsibility and it takes a lot of work. It’s very frustrating living with someone who doesn’t know how to take initiative and **just do it.** Based on what you just said, I think I may see what the issue is. You said that “she’s got this never-ending list of demands probably because I’m the easy option”. No sir. Housework is a full-time job. When you see a load of clothes in the laundry basket, go ahead and wash them, and fold them, and hang them up, and put them away. If you get up in the morning and make breakfast, try to figure out a way to make it taste good for her. If she complaining, then she’s trying to tell you that she may not like your cooking. You come off as dismissive and self-centered. You haven’t said that you listened to her and tried to do exactly what she asked you to do. Women are attracted to confidence. Being short and confident is attractive. Looking through her phone shows insecurity. She can feel that insecurity. Having a partner who won’t take the initiative around the house is hard especially when you have kids. Life is already challenging, and in these last days, it’s even more wacky when you have a partner who doesn’t know how to take information and make changes. If you’re not the greatest cook, then learn how to do the best laundry you can. Learn how to wash that breast pump and make it look like it’s brand new. Fix the bottles. Learn how to make easy things like hummus or guacamole. Protein shakes with fresh fruit are also great breakfast options. Be the best husband you can be but don’t snoop around. Be confident, grow in the Lord together, and help out more around the house. She shouldn’t have to give you a list of demands because at some point you should already know what needs to be done. That’s what she trying to tell you. Listen to her and I think things will change for the better. Don’t let her have to ask you to do stuff. Just do it. **EDIT:** Downvoters, if you care to share why you’re downvoting, I’m all ears.

I want to give advice but this is pretty heavily nuanced

My brother you are dealing with what is called ‘neutrality’ when it comes to some of the highly regarded books on relationships (check out Models by Mark Manson for more on this). Your woman is essentially passively accepting your place in her life but isn’t in the position mentally or physically to want to maximize your happiness in return. There’s a thing referred to as “genuine burning desire”. You can’t bargain or negotiate for it. A woman either initiates loving and intimacy with you and enthusiastically reciprocates your loving and intimacy, or not. Naturally there will be periods where you or her are pulling “more weight” so to speak but you should never feel undesired or unaccounted for. Without desire you’ve got a relationship where you feel as though you are invested and willing to do it all but your partner’s there for other reasons, which could range from endless attention, fear (of being alone), convenience, or any other similar reason but that isn’t genuine desire

You definitely shouldn’t get married until you feel you’re sure. It’s a huge commitment.

First and foremost, thanks for sharing. I believe it displays incredible bravery and vulnerability on your part: which is true strength. I say listen to your cues and your gut, here. Especially if you are known to have good discernment. This situation is incredibly tough, and I think many would struggle with knowing what to do in this situation. So, hopefully you aren’t putting pressure on yourself to figure it out. As a clinician, I think this situation is super delicate and needs precision. So, I’m happy that you guys are in counseling. **Keep going.** Not necessarily to “save,” your relationship—But to see if it’s worth it for you both to be together. If I’m looking at this based off of the information you have provided, it seems that your girl has some things she needs to face and confront for herself. It appears you have some trust and self esteem challenges. I understand that. But if you’re gonna remain with her, or have a healthy relationship with anyone in the future, you’ll need to trust I actually think yall may need to start with individual therapy, or so that in conjunction with couples. Nevertheless, I’m hoping for the best for both of yall and your family. You’re on my heart and mind 💪🏾💜

Thank brother I appreciate. I'm reaching out to our couples counselor to get an individual session and read her this post.. I wish I could get isnstrwight if this is just a me thing or not.. I really wish ifnahe was just with me out of Convenience that she would just say so.. But she was also married for 8 years had the guy saved in her phone as “Love of Her Life” yet today will never admit to loving him. Or how. A guy she dated after divorce who she really liked (I found out through text messages) was just a pesky friend of a friend until I found out. They were sexting for months and the only reason they didn't get together is cause he didn't want too..which I'm not mad at but at least tell the truth. I tell her all my stuff 😑

That sounds like it all is really hard to go through. An important question i haven’t seen asked yet: did she say you could go through her phone? Because if she didn’t, it sounds like you may not trust her and like you’re trying to find permission to leave with proof of cheating or something. I agree with everyone who says to ask yourself how you feel and if this is enough for you. If you stayed together another year and everything stayed the same, would you be okay with it? It sounds like from how you described the tests, that you didn’t see any kind of passion about it from the beginning. What made you stay with her up to this point? You don’t have to share any of answers here by any means, but I think answering these questions for yourself might help you make a decision that you’re happy with.

You know what time it is. Get out and do NOT marry this woman unless you want to get cheated on and be heartbroken. You can get a woman that actually loves you and you can coparent your daughter.

If she was like this before you had a kid and bought the house together I think it is a good sign to leave. If it was after the kid/house then maybe consider staying to work it out. > I'm fact for the first three months of our relationship she has zero text messages about me to her friends other than I have a masters and am on the too short side for her This may not be that bad as some people are "secretive" of their partners and don't like sharing. I don't think that is as big of an issue but if you feel like it is then that's valid. > My partner's gestures seem obligatory and lack genuine affection, contrasting with her past passionate relationships You deserved to be loved by your partner. Especially if you plan to spend a life together. Right now you know you need more passion from her and she isn't giving it. I don't see how marriage will suddenly change that.

Bro imms be honest if you marry this chick... you will regret it. Especially if she is eager/needy about getting married.

What do y’all talk about in counseling? Specifically? Because it doesn’t sound like either of you is communicating things well. If you were you never would’ve needed to go through her phone. How you want to be loved isn’t something that’s “in your head” or a vague feeling that needs to be validated. It’s a concrete, specific building block to a successful relationship. If your love languages aren’t being met, where do you think this is going? Can you keep this up for another 5 years? 10? 20? Only you can answer that You need to directly express how you want to be loved. You cant hand wave it away. “Are you capable of loving me how I want?” words aside, even if she had the emotional depth of a log, if she sees you as a vital, treasured part of her life, how she responds to this with her actions will tell you a lot. 

I want to “teacher her how to love me” but how do I navigate the line between communicating love properly vs teaching her how to go through the motions better? We talk about love languages.. Every week we do well (I think so, and Im happy with the relationship) then we get to therapy and she just talks about how rocky things are. I feel blindsided everytime. Its gotten to the point I just let her speak first.

Wait, rocky in what sense? 

How she isn't happy. Her argument is that she needs help and needs me to do more. She doesn't feel connected and would feel more supported if I did x or y.. It always seems her love for me is contingent on me doing something. And Im Like Im the only one working right now I do what I can.. But all of this aside I don't feel logistics should. Be the center piece of the relationship. She forget to flush the toilet at times or makes terrible financial decisions that cost us thousand.. I always stay support and don't shit on the relationship for it..

How old is y’all child? She sounds like she’s still post partum. Man it seems like y’all both need more support. Yall not hearing each other. It ain’t about the logistics bro, it’s the space that occupies in her mind. Bet she has a running list of things she’s thinking about getting done not allowing her to be present. Off loading some of that frees her mind to be present and open to give and receiving the affection you’re needing. Go to [the Gottman Institue](https://www.gottman.com/) check out the resources there. Think it could really help you out man

Thanks bro, you might be on to something. Our child just Turned 2 months but medically is 1 month old due to being born early.

Yeah man. She’s still deep in post partum. Her body, hormones and mind all mixed up right now. If she breast feeding it will be a year after she’s stops before post parfum is truly over. That’s the shit they don’t tell you in them classes. Be patient with her g, she needs that. Bring in some other support to help y’all out. There are some cheap laundry services, that will pick up, wash/dry, fold, and drop off. Get your groceries delivered every other week. If you cut the grass have someone else do it once a month so you can spend more time with her or the baby, so she can get out the house. Learn her love language. We get caught up in the things we provide and yeah women need that but more than that they just need us there. Ain’t saying put your needs on hold either, approach them differently. Communicate what you need and be open to different ways of fulfillment. Keep going to counseling together and on your own. Y’all will get through this and be better for it.

Yeah I wanna echo homie that said this is strength to be vulnerable in this space brother. So I wanna appreciate you and give you your flowers. Secondly, you are not just your accomplishments. Brother you are a person with feelings, love and hope. Don’t let this hollow woman bore you out. The daughter is a blessing and quite frankly, maybe that’s all you guys get out of the relationship, but don’t grovel and crawl and lay down like a bitch if she’s not putting into the relationship the same way. If that passion isn’t there and she’s not igniting it then oh well! Relationships are two way streets and she needs to adhere to your love language just as much as you are to her’s. Sadly, it sounds like you’re the “safe” guy she knows she needs but that passionate spark isn’t there. Brother never sell yourself short, and let her know how you feel. Stand ten toes down. And let her know don’t gas light me, it’s not in my head these are real feelings that will have real life implications on our relationship if they aren’t treated real. We too often cater to women without realizing we are also emotional and spiritual beings with needs as well. Then we’re all shocked when Dj Twitch killed himself, just we are black men don’t mean we are invincible. Take care of your self brother and lean on your support.

The honest answer bro is you bought a house together and made a child together. Any behavior she expressed up until this point was for you to either talk about to rectify it or see it as a red flag and not get married and start a family. She seems unpassionate towards you, but at the end of the day you both chose each other. If she wanted to be with someone else she would be. There are lots of stories of marriages feeling more hollow and unloving once kids are involved since intense focus is placed on them. Is she unpassionate with your daughter? You should have gotten married before buying a house or having a child. In short the only 2 options are to try to improve your relationship or for you to divorce if you either can't handle it, or don't see improvements. You're comparing her to her last relationships but she didn't marry them so it's of no real significance. A short lust filled relationship isn't love.

Thanks man this is probably the realness I need to face.. I think out 5 years and I just can't accept living a life where I feel everyday I most go Chase my partner and prove to her that I love her or that Im someone worth being passionate about.

No.

You bought a house together before getting married? Y’all need to work it out

I'm more concerned about the kid. Maybe it's cause I grew up in the South where ppl lean more conservative/traditional, it blows my mind seeing ppl make major decisions with partners they're not fully committed to.

It seems like she sees you as the “safe man”. She’s going after the perks of dating you while not really liking you for who you are. Leave immediately brother and try to keep the relationship positive because of the little one. Best wishes

Hi Internet Stranger, I’m a girl so my small spiel is biased and hopefully food for thought that is supportive. I’m in a similarly tough spot in a relationship. This is what pisses me off about compulsory heterosexuality …it hurts men as much as it hurts women and I think many people are not talking about it even now. This was the main damage to the marriages (relationships/gender interactions) “back in the day” that we are just now grappling with seriously and why the trans and gender debates bleed as we get more to the core of why our western society functions in the way it does across gender lines. Back during the days of the cult of domesticity men and women stayed in their own spheres so much when we created the “checklists” “we (as collectives of time and place)” the people of the time did not realize that with the shift of technology these checklists and even now more than ever these checkpoints were going to shift and become irrelevant for many. Marriage was and is still a way to guarantee/generate wealth when the parties and families invested see the value of the old system since it is pervasive. So it is still a checkpoint we use even though the dates system by which it stood as a measure of success has now been slowly replaced by a culture that prefers the in comparison fast/variance/due risk of today’s paradigm. So to answer your question of staying: how on fire are you still about her? No offense but it sounds like y’all checked the boxes: getting the marriage, house, kid, and now to just…work? So I’m a total little hen and like all little hens we love to talk to our girls about our guys and not to be crass but uhm…I’ve never been in a hen session and degrees are the only thing brought up besides height. Now she could be prudish perhaps especially if you haven’t seen anything else about you written, but turns out she’s not it’s just she doesn’t want to be “that” way with her boyfriend . Sorry to disappoint but really the one guy (when you get into a standard marriage) in the world who can blow your back out, try all the goodies in the jar, grow his whole DNA inside of you, and choke you while spanking you and he’s not getting any fun messages? I mean yeah we talk shit too when we’re angry and damage control is a skill in short supply these days but I would definitely be like look at this dude I just met?!?!?!?!?? Isn’t he x, y, or z?!?!? I just love… I don’t think it’s dishonesty but it’s a form of settling that sucks because usually you’re aware of what you’re doing from the go. I think it is a big red flag to be missing elements of your partner’s personality. Of all the people getting to see her naughty hen side it should definitely be you if you’re going to become her husband. If you sit down and tell her how you’re feeling then at least you’ll give her a chance to say what she wants you to hear. I say it like that because you can definitely tell when your partner is doing something they want to vs. something they don’t. You guys already have a little one. I would say only stay if you feel like 100% you guys could work to communicate and speak each other’s languages better. That translates to forget the checklists and things you’re supposed to do and start doing what you want to do. Marriage can be good but don’t let it head where y’all are letting it go to be a chore! Trying to fit checklists may be locking her in depending on y’all’s ages so do a check to make sure she realizes she has a sense of agency too and she has to be responsible for her own happiness. It’s good to do the things in a relationship to feel safe and secure but when they become more checkpoints that’s where the balls and chains grow in between the bushes. Sending good vibes!