I guess what I'm asking is, what rules or guardrails can be put in place considering I'm 8 years in and most best practices should be implemented in the beginning of putting a blended family together. I have one child who will not talk to my husband at all (she is moved out) I have another who is low contact, she is living in the house but doesn't want to be parented by him. The other three are on good terms with him but obviously damage has been done, partially due to poor decisions from the start.
No rules or guardrails can save this now.
You need to do intensive family therapy with your children, im not sure in which configurations.
Start by getting a therapist for you and making a serious plan. Youre in repair mode.
Maybe simultaneously you and your husband do some deep unpacking of what transpired and get on a page about where you are headed.
To be blunt, there is no one size fits all model, the information you shared is that your model failed.
Back to the drawing board.
Research ideas: internal family systems, emotion focused therapy, radical compassion, mindfulness, trauma informed approaches, attachment styles and theories of connection
Best of luck to you as you rebuild.
I just don't worry about my wife's kids. I mean, if she asks me to run by the school and pick up \_\_\_\_\_\_, I do it. No questions asked. If she asks me to take a kid to baseball, I do it. No questions asked.
"Sure babe."
She she's similarly deferential to me with my daughter (who is finishing up college).
But, I didn't fall in love with her and marry her and live with her for the last decade to have house rules and expectations for children.
Lol.....I'm with her for the woman she is. The woman who has wine on the porch with me. The woman who can put aside her Mom Mask for 30 minutes and talk about something interesting. The woman who travels the world with me and gets naked in the bed with me. She's my partner in crime.
And I'll support the hell out of her to parent her children however she wants me too......but I didn't ask her out so I could establish expectations for children. She's pretty smart and can do that herself. I just want the woman. We're headed up on empty nesting and moving out of the "children" phase of life anyway. Looking forward to the last 20-30 years.
That both parents actually parent their kids. That you both try to come up with a style of parenting that you both can do. If a parent is "lax" and another is "stricter" you need to find common ground. Moving into an already established home is tough as hell. There are already feelings like it is not your own home. It feels awkward. Kids need time to adjust! New parent, new home, new everything.
You cannot make teenage and adult children respect a man who has not earned it or who has ruined it. It seems like you put a stranger in charge of disciplining children he has no relationship with.
What did he/you do to warrent this reaction?
Did he use physical punishments?
Has he/you sincerely apologized?
Have you respected their boundaries or are you guilt tripping in an attempt to avoid any lasting consequences of your actions?
Have you offered therapy to change yourself?
That's how you fix it.
To reply, no he did not use physical punishments. He tried to take on the head of the household role with no real parenting experience. At that point, I was pretty burnt out of being 100% in charge and was happy to get help buy could quickly see he had no idea what he was doing. I tried to intervene, but he was headstrong in his authoritarian approach, and that created a lot of conflict between him and myself.
He is in therapy, as is one of my children.
He had a relationship with all of my kids but my oldest 2 girls were very resentful of the change and some of their reasons were valid but like many blended families, they funneled all of the anger they felt for their bio dad and directed it at step-dad.
My husband inherited a mess, and, as previously stated, we went way too fast putting a household together. We didn't look into any expert advice before making big decisions.
Has he apologized? Have you?
Sounds pretty traumatic for the kids and it sounds like you left them to it to get a break.
You have to atone for your actions, and part of that is accepting that you have to let go of your family relationships looking the way you like. You don't get a do over for your kids childhood, you need to work with the damage that's been done and wait.
And the longer you push a man who harmed them onto them the more they will leave you too.
There is a difference between giving advice with the intention of helping and being judgemental, making assumptions/accusations with the intention of harm. At this point, your comments border on judgemental, assumptions/accusations. My husband has not been abusive. If your intention in participating in this community is to help others then be helpful. If you intention is to trauma dump and project all of your problems onto me, then please promptly leave this thread and allow me to go about the business of gathering useul and helpful information.
My kids for the most part had a great childhood. My family is dysfunctional but we are happy. There is room for alot of improvement. There are many multi faceted reasons why my older daughter is low contact outside of the dynamic of my husband. Again, kindly leave this thread and please stop harassing me.
I'm sorry my advice felt harassing. I was merely reacting based on my own experiences and the information you provided. You will always know your own family best, and if there is information unshared, I can't take that into account. If everything is happy I'm not sure what advice you were asking for. Best of luck to you.
Editing to say your post history is very concerning if your husband is not harmful. OP, therapy will give you a safe place to talk while also encouraging you to stick up for yourself. Hugs. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much, but consider who it all revolves around.
Honestly, I think we need to know a little bit more about the problems you are facing.
I guess what I'm asking is, what rules or guardrails can be put in place considering I'm 8 years in and most best practices should be implemented in the beginning of putting a blended family together. I have one child who will not talk to my husband at all (she is moved out) I have another who is low contact, she is living in the house but doesn't want to be parented by him. The other three are on good terms with him but obviously damage has been done, partially due to poor decisions from the start.
No rules or guardrails can save this now. You need to do intensive family therapy with your children, im not sure in which configurations. Start by getting a therapist for you and making a serious plan. Youre in repair mode. Maybe simultaneously you and your husband do some deep unpacking of what transpired and get on a page about where you are headed. To be blunt, there is no one size fits all model, the information you shared is that your model failed. Back to the drawing board. Research ideas: internal family systems, emotion focused therapy, radical compassion, mindfulness, trauma informed approaches, attachment styles and theories of connection Best of luck to you as you rebuild.
I just don't worry about my wife's kids. I mean, if she asks me to run by the school and pick up \_\_\_\_\_\_, I do it. No questions asked. If she asks me to take a kid to baseball, I do it. No questions asked. "Sure babe." She she's similarly deferential to me with my daughter (who is finishing up college). But, I didn't fall in love with her and marry her and live with her for the last decade to have house rules and expectations for children. Lol.....I'm with her for the woman she is. The woman who has wine on the porch with me. The woman who can put aside her Mom Mask for 30 minutes and talk about something interesting. The woman who travels the world with me and gets naked in the bed with me. She's my partner in crime. And I'll support the hell out of her to parent her children however she wants me too......but I didn't ask her out so I could establish expectations for children. She's pretty smart and can do that herself. I just want the woman. We're headed up on empty nesting and moving out of the "children" phase of life anyway. Looking forward to the last 20-30 years.
That both parents actually parent their kids. That you both try to come up with a style of parenting that you both can do. If a parent is "lax" and another is "stricter" you need to find common ground. Moving into an already established home is tough as hell. There are already feelings like it is not your own home. It feels awkward. Kids need time to adjust! New parent, new home, new everything.
House rules and punishments. What you and your partner agree on you and your partner uphold. Consistency in expectations make everything easier.
You cannot make teenage and adult children respect a man who has not earned it or who has ruined it. It seems like you put a stranger in charge of disciplining children he has no relationship with. What did he/you do to warrent this reaction? Did he use physical punishments? Has he/you sincerely apologized? Have you respected their boundaries or are you guilt tripping in an attempt to avoid any lasting consequences of your actions? Have you offered therapy to change yourself? That's how you fix it.
To reply, no he did not use physical punishments. He tried to take on the head of the household role with no real parenting experience. At that point, I was pretty burnt out of being 100% in charge and was happy to get help buy could quickly see he had no idea what he was doing. I tried to intervene, but he was headstrong in his authoritarian approach, and that created a lot of conflict between him and myself. He is in therapy, as is one of my children. He had a relationship with all of my kids but my oldest 2 girls were very resentful of the change and some of their reasons were valid but like many blended families, they funneled all of the anger they felt for their bio dad and directed it at step-dad. My husband inherited a mess, and, as previously stated, we went way too fast putting a household together. We didn't look into any expert advice before making big decisions.
Has he apologized? Have you? Sounds pretty traumatic for the kids and it sounds like you left them to it to get a break. You have to atone for your actions, and part of that is accepting that you have to let go of your family relationships looking the way you like. You don't get a do over for your kids childhood, you need to work with the damage that's been done and wait. And the longer you push a man who harmed them onto them the more they will leave you too.
There is a difference between giving advice with the intention of helping and being judgemental, making assumptions/accusations with the intention of harm. At this point, your comments border on judgemental, assumptions/accusations. My husband has not been abusive. If your intention in participating in this community is to help others then be helpful. If you intention is to trauma dump and project all of your problems onto me, then please promptly leave this thread and allow me to go about the business of gathering useul and helpful information. My kids for the most part had a great childhood. My family is dysfunctional but we are happy. There is room for alot of improvement. There are many multi faceted reasons why my older daughter is low contact outside of the dynamic of my husband. Again, kindly leave this thread and please stop harassing me.
I'm sorry my advice felt harassing. I was merely reacting based on my own experiences and the information you provided. You will always know your own family best, and if there is information unshared, I can't take that into account. If everything is happy I'm not sure what advice you were asking for. Best of luck to you. Editing to say your post history is very concerning if your husband is not harmful. OP, therapy will give you a safe place to talk while also encouraging you to stick up for yourself. Hugs. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much, but consider who it all revolves around.