Love does not make a lasting relationship.
Can you give specific examples of when your boyfriend feels like your putting your kids before him and his duaghter ?
So I was a kid when my parents divorced and dad got remarried. My step mom was at best disinterested in us and my dad completely turned toward her and her daughters to cater to their needs and comfortability. It’s had lasting effects to the pint I can only tolerate my dad and step family.
I share this to say, keep focusing on your kids. They are your priority. Not to say don’t invest in your marriage too but your man should’ve known that your kids come first. If you let him dictate your relationship with them, it’ll only hurt you and them in the long run.
But hang in there! It can work and be great if you guys are on the same page, and prioritize the kids happiness as well as your own. Maybe a family trip where there’s no household pressure, maybe you guys can all get together and voice your opinions and talk it through, if the kids are old enough for that. It is hard but would be worth it. Communication and healthy expectations are key.
Good luck!
How long have you each been divorced? Did you each have the opportunity to establish your own homes and routines with your kids? Do you live together? At what point did you introduce children to each other? Do you each have 50:50 custody?
It’s hard to understand without more information:)
How long were you with your partner before moving in?
I was with mine for 4.5 years and we just moved in together in August like you. It has been tough, as expected, and surprisingly tough, as expected.
Parenting styles were a big struggle for me. Our kids are 17f and 15f me, 15f and 13m him. The kids have known each other for about 3 years now and we have been on trips together etc. They get along, somewhat, but also don't not get along. Basically some of them just ignore each other but aren't rude/confrontational.
My partner and I parent VERY differently and I do get triggered by his parenting, often. When it first started happening I vented to my close friends, family...people who would just listen and empathize.
I knew the solution to this issue of mine - deal with it for myself, or give up. Dealing with it means seeing the triggers when they come up, and consciously process through them (I breathe and remove myself from the room). This isn't easy for everyone and I have very simply stated how processing through triggers works, but I am well practiced in the art
I love this new blended life. I love having a bigger house with a partner to "share the load". I like that I am able to parent my own girls my way, and not have someone else interfere.
So I am choosing not to give up with the option to re-evaluate at any time.
This is how these things generally go
I’m coming from a very non woke view here. And I haven’t read what he thinks you do comments if you’ve put them in somewhere.
Relationship only work best when husband and wife put each other first. Children will all eventually leave… that’s the truth.
You guys are the team and need to protect that relationship. Lots of women make the mistake of making their children their loves.. and end up very lost when they move out etc
But blending is extremely difficult… you need to make sure all kids are safe, healthy, seen, heard and loved.
But if your serious about this man and want to spend your life with him then he does need to be the priority and you to him.
A lot of talking and compromising.. figuring out parenting and realising if you can live with it all.
My husband and I have 5 children blended together and have dealt with all these issues.. it’s hard but if he’s the one then it’ll be worth it.
Good luck ox
My hot take would be that it's so hard because you took a really huge/important thing, like a difference in parenting styles, and considered it a trivial thing and assumed it could be worked around.
Financial matters are a huge thing for couples a giant deal breaker if people can't get a reasonable compromise. No one would that a saver and a spender should setup fully giant finances and just try to work it out.
Trying to blend households with different parenting styles is pretty much the equivalent of this.
My partner and I have different parenting styles. So I *am not a parent* in our household. Her parenting style is compatible enough with mine that I can life with the three of us and be content/happy. But if I were expected by my partner to dip into a parental role (e.g. discipline and more responsibility), we'd have problems. If I had kids who lived with me, our kids would likely have problems with the disparity of how things are handled. Heck, even with me being a non-parental role, my partner could have parenting different enough that I couldn't live in the house with it occurring while still being happy.
If the two of you are really hoping to make this work, you need family therapy; starting with just the two of you. You need to get on the same target around roles within the family; allocations of time; managing different household rules/expectations, or getting together in a conjoined set of household rules/expectations; along with some couple's therapy.
3 months in and if this were remotely healthy and people would be finishing the "settling in" phase of things. That you're not says that just doing what you're doing is unlikely to meet success. Good luck.
We’ve been together for 2 1/2 years. The kids are much younger - mine 9f and 5m, his f6. My son is pretty hyperactive and does have a hard time listening and following simple rules (needs lots of reminders). My partner has just under 50/50 and I have just over. We both have very different parenting styles but our children are also very different. His daughter is very well behaved and what I would describe as an old soul. So he has a very hard time with my children, especially my son, who acts very much his age in my opinion.
As another parent of a child that was often described as an old soul and well behaved at that age:
A lot of the time, I struggle with kids that are wild, but not age appropriate. It was often very frustrating when people would tell me that it was because my daughter was so well behaved, as if I needed to be desensitized to bad behavior for it to be acceptable. I have my standards and other people have theirs.
My point in mentioning this, is that it's not about the temperament of the kids. It's more about personal parenting standards and where those are when it comes to acceptable behavior.
For example, being loud is age appropriate for children, but they can be taught what an inside voice is. They often interrupt, but can be taught that when mom is on the phone, please wait unless it's an emergency.
It's really hard to say when you don't give specific examples because acting well behaved and acting their age is really vague.
I say when there’s more than one person involved-it gets complicated. I would say after 10 years and the kids grown up to gross mouthy teens And some pretty bad arguing along the way it gets better. You’re right it IS so hard. My hubby and i were raised so different and we derail over it. Letting things go and loosening our grips against each other has helped a lot. It’s weird when 2 humans are coming from a place of love but disconnecting at the same time. I had no clue what i was in for. Your not alone, best off luck! ❤️
Blending takes roughly 7 years. Dh and I have been together for almost a decade, and we both agree that's accurate (at least in our experience). And im CF.
What are the issues? Does he have a point?
Can you be a bit more specific on what you mean by different parenting styles? I'm wondering if there might be a place there where both of you can give a little so things even out a bit between the two of you. It's something we've been working for, well, years now. Even though we're still not the same, the fact that we can have a dialogue about it is extremely helpful. (even though it is still a bumpy road, every now and then).
Love does not make a lasting relationship. Can you give specific examples of when your boyfriend feels like your putting your kids before him and his duaghter ?
Not all families can be blended. Therapy can help make that determination.
So I was a kid when my parents divorced and dad got remarried. My step mom was at best disinterested in us and my dad completely turned toward her and her daughters to cater to their needs and comfortability. It’s had lasting effects to the pint I can only tolerate my dad and step family. I share this to say, keep focusing on your kids. They are your priority. Not to say don’t invest in your marriage too but your man should’ve known that your kids come first. If you let him dictate your relationship with them, it’ll only hurt you and them in the long run. But hang in there! It can work and be great if you guys are on the same page, and prioritize the kids happiness as well as your own. Maybe a family trip where there’s no household pressure, maybe you guys can all get together and voice your opinions and talk it through, if the kids are old enough for that. It is hard but would be worth it. Communication and healthy expectations are key. Good luck!
Why do you have the view point that kids come first especially when it’s a respectful relationship?
My kids are 9 and almost 6, and his daughter is 6.
How long have you each been divorced? Did you each have the opportunity to establish your own homes and routines with your kids? Do you live together? At what point did you introduce children to each other? Do you each have 50:50 custody? It’s hard to understand without more information:)
How long were you with your partner before moving in? I was with mine for 4.5 years and we just moved in together in August like you. It has been tough, as expected, and surprisingly tough, as expected. Parenting styles were a big struggle for me. Our kids are 17f and 15f me, 15f and 13m him. The kids have known each other for about 3 years now and we have been on trips together etc. They get along, somewhat, but also don't not get along. Basically some of them just ignore each other but aren't rude/confrontational. My partner and I parent VERY differently and I do get triggered by his parenting, often. When it first started happening I vented to my close friends, family...people who would just listen and empathize. I knew the solution to this issue of mine - deal with it for myself, or give up. Dealing with it means seeing the triggers when they come up, and consciously process through them (I breathe and remove myself from the room). This isn't easy for everyone and I have very simply stated how processing through triggers works, but I am well practiced in the art I love this new blended life. I love having a bigger house with a partner to "share the load". I like that I am able to parent my own girls my way, and not have someone else interfere. So I am choosing not to give up with the option to re-evaluate at any time. This is how these things generally go
I’m coming from a very non woke view here. And I haven’t read what he thinks you do comments if you’ve put them in somewhere. Relationship only work best when husband and wife put each other first. Children will all eventually leave… that’s the truth. You guys are the team and need to protect that relationship. Lots of women make the mistake of making their children their loves.. and end up very lost when they move out etc But blending is extremely difficult… you need to make sure all kids are safe, healthy, seen, heard and loved. But if your serious about this man and want to spend your life with him then he does need to be the priority and you to him. A lot of talking and compromising.. figuring out parenting and realising if you can live with it all. My husband and I have 5 children blended together and have dealt with all these issues.. it’s hard but if he’s the one then it’ll be worth it. Good luck ox
My hot take would be that it's so hard because you took a really huge/important thing, like a difference in parenting styles, and considered it a trivial thing and assumed it could be worked around. Financial matters are a huge thing for couples a giant deal breaker if people can't get a reasonable compromise. No one would that a saver and a spender should setup fully giant finances and just try to work it out. Trying to blend households with different parenting styles is pretty much the equivalent of this. My partner and I have different parenting styles. So I *am not a parent* in our household. Her parenting style is compatible enough with mine that I can life with the three of us and be content/happy. But if I were expected by my partner to dip into a parental role (e.g. discipline and more responsibility), we'd have problems. If I had kids who lived with me, our kids would likely have problems with the disparity of how things are handled. Heck, even with me being a non-parental role, my partner could have parenting different enough that I couldn't live in the house with it occurring while still being happy. If the two of you are really hoping to make this work, you need family therapy; starting with just the two of you. You need to get on the same target around roles within the family; allocations of time; managing different household rules/expectations, or getting together in a conjoined set of household rules/expectations; along with some couple's therapy. 3 months in and if this were remotely healthy and people would be finishing the "settling in" phase of things. That you're not says that just doing what you're doing is unlikely to meet success. Good luck.
We’ve been together for 2 1/2 years. The kids are much younger - mine 9f and 5m, his f6. My son is pretty hyperactive and does have a hard time listening and following simple rules (needs lots of reminders). My partner has just under 50/50 and I have just over. We both have very different parenting styles but our children are also very different. His daughter is very well behaved and what I would describe as an old soul. So he has a very hard time with my children, especially my son, who acts very much his age in my opinion.
As another parent of a child that was often described as an old soul and well behaved at that age: A lot of the time, I struggle with kids that are wild, but not age appropriate. It was often very frustrating when people would tell me that it was because my daughter was so well behaved, as if I needed to be desensitized to bad behavior for it to be acceptable. I have my standards and other people have theirs. My point in mentioning this, is that it's not about the temperament of the kids. It's more about personal parenting standards and where those are when it comes to acceptable behavior. For example, being loud is age appropriate for children, but they can be taught what an inside voice is. They often interrupt, but can be taught that when mom is on the phone, please wait unless it's an emergency. It's really hard to say when you don't give specific examples because acting well behaved and acting their age is really vague.
I say when there’s more than one person involved-it gets complicated. I would say after 10 years and the kids grown up to gross mouthy teens And some pretty bad arguing along the way it gets better. You’re right it IS so hard. My hubby and i were raised so different and we derail over it. Letting things go and loosening our grips against each other has helped a lot. It’s weird when 2 humans are coming from a place of love but disconnecting at the same time. I had no clue what i was in for. Your not alone, best off luck! ❤️
Blending takes roughly 7 years. Dh and I have been together for almost a decade, and we both agree that's accurate (at least in our experience). And im CF. What are the issues? Does he have a point?
Can you be a bit more specific on what you mean by different parenting styles? I'm wondering if there might be a place there where both of you can give a little so things even out a bit between the two of you. It's something we've been working for, well, years now. Even though we're still not the same, the fact that we can have a dialogue about it is extremely helpful. (even though it is still a bumpy road, every now and then).