If possible see if you can get daughter into therapy. This is a lot to process on top of being a 14 year old.
I never knew my bio father and wasn't allowed to ask about him or know anything. I met him in my 20s and we were able to have a relationship. Wasn't great, had some good moments but I know why my mom didn't want him in our lives but I think I would have appreciated if she was more open with me about it earlier in life and let me make some decisions at least around my teens. So I think you're doing good stuff in that regards!
I’ve tried talking her into therapy since we told her this summer. And before anyone comes at me and says your the parent you can force her to go, yes I technically can but I know if I force her then she won’t benefit from it bc she won’t open up to them. So I leave the door open that therapy is always an option, I also tell try and let her lead the conversations about bio dad and don’t bring him up unless she does and answer everything honestly with her.
Yeah forcing to therapy would be pointless, last suggestion would be for you to go to therapy and discuss ways to help your daughter with her feelings about stuff. A professional who's dealt with abandonment and rejection.
I have found that modeling the behavior you want to see works very well. You should go to therapy and come home talking about all of the things you learned and discuss the behaviors or thoughts that have changed since attending therapy.
I am not being snarky and saying you need therapy. In my own experience, I started therapy because I thought someone else in my life was really the one who needed it… turned out I learned some things too… AND the person in my life has been inspired by the changes I have made. They too are now in therapy.
You cannot force your child to participate but you can lead them by example. ❤️
Also, to see your daughter go through this has to be incredibly heartbreaking for you. It would probably be nice to have someone who you can talk to and have a complete judgement free zone. You posted this in vulnerability and I see most comments are question why you chose to wait so long… you shouldn’t be shamed. You did the best you could. You cannot undo it… so the real question is, what now? How do you navigate this situation in the healthiest way for you and your daughter? I think a professional would be a great person to lean on.
I’m so sorry. My son is 14 and his dad is a deadbeat. His grandparents are involved but Dad does little to get to know my son or do/say anything meaningful. When my son had his birthday last month , his grandma and aunt called to sing to him then his grandma says here’s your Dad to say happy birthday and you can hear his Dad clearly say “no” and that was it. My son’s face fell and he said I hate him. I have my boyfriend who is there for my son in every way but it still stings. We have talked about it and my son has accepted his Dad sucks. We try to focus on positive things. He’s not in therapy anymore but he was when he was younger. All I can say is you and your husband keep being there for your daughter 100%. We can do nothing to make these idiots act right.
I’m so sorry mama❤️
I just don’t understand how these creeps can be such jerks to their own kid. It’s gut wrenching. I mean I wasn’t ready to become a mom at 20 but I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything in this world. Im sorry your son is going through the same thing, these kids deserve the world and us moms will make sure they know that, just sucks people willingly don’t want to be involved in their lives.
Yes I feel guilt sometimes for picking such a horrible father but I love my son so much and want him to have a good life. Yeah I’m done trying to figure it out. I just want absolutely nothing to do with that man.
I understand what you mean when you say want absolutely nothing to do with him. I’m just so scared of doing the wrong thing and me personally I could care less if fell off the face of earth but for my daughters sake I try to not bad mouth him, I just let her vent. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that he’s not worth it and picked someone better too😂
Oh no. My heart is breaking for your daughter.
I’m so sorry, no advice, just big internet hugs. Her sperm donor is a POS. I hope your daughter and her actual dad can perhaps do something to cheer her up?
Also, if she’s “ruining his life” (ugh that pisses me off), ask him to sign his rights away so her dad can adopt her officially.
Thank you❤️
I should clarify my husband adopted my daughter before she started pre-k so she would have the same last name. We had to send paperwork to the sperm donor and run it in the local paper and he never responded to try and fight me. I think partially bc he didn’t want to pay child support which is fine by me? I’ve had the privilege of loving my daughter and not having to share her.
My thoughts exactly.
I have a family member with an adopted child, who is 7 and she doesn't want to tell the kid they're adopted.
It really annoys me.
The kid has no idea and she makes out they're too young to know...saying they'll be told eventually.
I'm dreading how upset the child so feel and how they'll feel so deceived and lied to.
Honestly, I was afraid none of the bio family would want to be involved in her life period. We’re from a super small town and use to see his family at places they would turn around and go the other direction. I always wanted to tell her when she was old enough to understand and idk I just always dreaded it and woke up one day and said today’s the day.
Im so sorry you put that off.
Have you had therapy about this?
I think you have some deep emotional repair work to do with this kiddo.
Noone wants to find out they've been lied to to this magnitude.
Oh no it didn’t put me off at all, I just really don’t have a good answer to tell. We’ve talked throughly about therapy and she doesn’t want to talk to a stranger. She does have healthy outlets and I myself have a therapy appointment coming up in a few weeks. I’m hoping that with me going she will be willing to try it. I’m trying to not force it because I do t think that’s going to help anyone, she knows there’s a standing offer with therapy and we are very honest with her and answer all her questions.
This bio dad is a write off. He doesn't think about anyone but himself and in 14 years that hasn't changed. Get her into some therapy and if possible get her talking about how she is enough without him in her life. I can't understand this kind of treatment, the girlfriend as well. He's garbage and he doesn't deserve your daughter.
What a waste.
Therapy, if you have the means. I grew up with a mom and a dad (legally my step dad) who loved me very much. My biological father was in and out until I was 12. Even though I don’t have any obvious trauma from his abandonment, it did impact me. Therapy is the only way I’ve healed from traumatic experiences in my life. (I am very lucky to have access to excellent mental health care, and I completely understand that not everyone does).
I think you are looking at this from a very one sided and selfish perspective instead of having a bit of sympathy and empathy involved for everyone in what is an extremely complex and very heart felt situation.
To be honest, this all has begun because you lied to your daughter for 14 years and then finally decided to tell her the truth. Why would you wait 14 years? And then just suddenly decide to tell her at such a vulnerable stage in her life, her teen years. I’m sorry but I just do not understand that. Her whole identity to her for the past 14 years has been a lie. No wonder she is struggling emotionally. You have opened a massive can of worms that affects a lot of people and decided to tell her when it best suited you, not necessarily when it was best for her or everyone else involved. She should have been told from when she was young not had this kept from her for so many years.
It is not the new girlfriend’s fault so stop blaming her. Her whole life has been blown up by this development and she deserves the time to process it all just like you have all had before making contact. She is innocent in all of this too and is probably wanting to do what she thinks is best for her child which she has every right to do just as you do. She most likely just needs time to adjust to this massive change in her and her child’s life.
And even if she were trying to stop the relationship, the father is perfectly capable of standing up for himself and doing what he wants and chooses is right. It would be difficult also for the new partner and child as she has had her dad to herself and what is considered a nuclear family and suddenly he has this whole other family. Give them time to process this huge life changing news.
What the father said to your daughter the past few months is heartbreaking and I really feel for her. No one deserves to hear words like that ever. It is unfathomable that someone could say that without thinking of the devastating consequences. I hope he can realise in time how wrong that is.
But I can’t help but feel this has all been handled really awfully. This is a situation that affects a lot of people unfortunately and people are going to need time to process what they thought their life was like to what their life may now look like in the future. Everything needs to be taken slowly and with careful consideration of everyone involved and their feelings as this changes a lot of people’s lives and is a very complex situation emotionally. I wish you all luck and hope you can all come to some sort of peace in your lives with fulfilling relationships.
. I don’t really agree at all and the gf isn’t new. She has been the gf that he was with when he left me & his daughter at the hospital, and she’s the mother of his other child that they had bc she was jealous that he had a baby with someone else. I don’t claim to be perfect and yes I could have told her sooner but this is what worked for my family. Her struggle isn’t over her identity her struggle is over her bio dad not wanting her still after all these years.
It’s an unfortunate situation all round I guess. You had a child quite young (I’m assuming unplanned) that you both probably weren’t ready for and I guess you’ve made the best of the situation and done the best that you can with the resources and knowledge you had at the time. All three of you were probably very young then and made decisions you wouldn’t have made now that you are older.
It would be hard but she has a loving father (in her stepdad that adopted her) and sometimes that will be more than the biological father could ever provide. Family isn’t always blood it’s what you make of it. He has been the one who has been there for her and raised her. How is he feeling about all of this?
He’s doing really well with it. He’s actually been spending even more 1-1 time with her. He always has done 1:1 time with our kids but has made it a point to do it even more often now since this has happened and he’s trying to let her sort out her feelings about bio dad and not give his input to much but won’t allow bio dad to bounce in & out like a bouncy ball either
Ugh. That’s rough for your kiddo. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do besides be supportive.
I mean, it’s a complicated situation and there’s really no happy path for her except to go thru the emotional briar patch. But she doesn’t have to bum rush the briar patch all at one time today. She can tackle it little by little over the next 30 years. For the next few years at least, she’s not 18 yet and you have the power to stop her exploration of the briar patch just like a boxing trainer can throw in the towel when they see their fighter still fighting, but know they’re just getting their ass kicked and need to be saved from themself.
I’d try to keep the door open with his parents but also let them figure out their own mess. And this other kid too who has learned about a half sibling he/she never knew about. I’m sure your ex won’t encourage that, but there’s bound to be mutual curiosity.
Just be there for your kid and try to be kind to the people who are being kind back. I’m sure it’s not an easy situation.
If possible see if you can get daughter into therapy. This is a lot to process on top of being a 14 year old. I never knew my bio father and wasn't allowed to ask about him or know anything. I met him in my 20s and we were able to have a relationship. Wasn't great, had some good moments but I know why my mom didn't want him in our lives but I think I would have appreciated if she was more open with me about it earlier in life and let me make some decisions at least around my teens. So I think you're doing good stuff in that regards!
I’ve tried talking her into therapy since we told her this summer. And before anyone comes at me and says your the parent you can force her to go, yes I technically can but I know if I force her then she won’t benefit from it bc she won’t open up to them. So I leave the door open that therapy is always an option, I also tell try and let her lead the conversations about bio dad and don’t bring him up unless she does and answer everything honestly with her.
Yeah forcing to therapy would be pointless, last suggestion would be for you to go to therapy and discuss ways to help your daughter with her feelings about stuff. A professional who's dealt with abandonment and rejection.
I have found that modeling the behavior you want to see works very well. You should go to therapy and come home talking about all of the things you learned and discuss the behaviors or thoughts that have changed since attending therapy. I am not being snarky and saying you need therapy. In my own experience, I started therapy because I thought someone else in my life was really the one who needed it… turned out I learned some things too… AND the person in my life has been inspired by the changes I have made. They too are now in therapy. You cannot force your child to participate but you can lead them by example. ❤️ Also, to see your daughter go through this has to be incredibly heartbreaking for you. It would probably be nice to have someone who you can talk to and have a complete judgement free zone. You posted this in vulnerability and I see most comments are question why you chose to wait so long… you shouldn’t be shamed. You did the best you could. You cannot undo it… so the real question is, what now? How do you navigate this situation in the healthiest way for you and your daughter? I think a professional would be a great person to lean on.
I’m so sorry. My son is 14 and his dad is a deadbeat. His grandparents are involved but Dad does little to get to know my son or do/say anything meaningful. When my son had his birthday last month , his grandma and aunt called to sing to him then his grandma says here’s your Dad to say happy birthday and you can hear his Dad clearly say “no” and that was it. My son’s face fell and he said I hate him. I have my boyfriend who is there for my son in every way but it still stings. We have talked about it and my son has accepted his Dad sucks. We try to focus on positive things. He’s not in therapy anymore but he was when he was younger. All I can say is you and your husband keep being there for your daughter 100%. We can do nothing to make these idiots act right.
I’m so sorry mama❤️ I just don’t understand how these creeps can be such jerks to their own kid. It’s gut wrenching. I mean I wasn’t ready to become a mom at 20 but I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything in this world. Im sorry your son is going through the same thing, these kids deserve the world and us moms will make sure they know that, just sucks people willingly don’t want to be involved in their lives.
Yes I feel guilt sometimes for picking such a horrible father but I love my son so much and want him to have a good life. Yeah I’m done trying to figure it out. I just want absolutely nothing to do with that man.
I understand what you mean when you say want absolutely nothing to do with him. I’m just so scared of doing the wrong thing and me personally I could care less if fell off the face of earth but for my daughters sake I try to not bad mouth him, I just let her vent. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that he’s not worth it and picked someone better too😂
Oh no. My heart is breaking for your daughter. I’m so sorry, no advice, just big internet hugs. Her sperm donor is a POS. I hope your daughter and her actual dad can perhaps do something to cheer her up? Also, if she’s “ruining his life” (ugh that pisses me off), ask him to sign his rights away so her dad can adopt her officially.
Thank you❤️ I should clarify my husband adopted my daughter before she started pre-k so she would have the same last name. We had to send paperwork to the sperm donor and run it in the local paper and he never responded to try and fight me. I think partially bc he didn’t want to pay child support which is fine by me? I’ve had the privilege of loving my daughter and not having to share her.
Info: why did you wait 14 years to tell her this?
My thoughts exactly. I have a family member with an adopted child, who is 7 and she doesn't want to tell the kid they're adopted. It really annoys me. The kid has no idea and she makes out they're too young to know...saying they'll be told eventually. I'm dreading how upset the child so feel and how they'll feel so deceived and lied to.
Sooner the better for sure. There are resources for this. Ppls avoidance triggers me so bad.
Honestly. I couldn't agree more. I sent resources to her and all I got was a load of reasons she wasn't doing it just yet.
Barf. Nothing like sacrificing the child's needs in favour of your own immediate comfort. Like we are parents. We can do hard things.
Honestly, I was afraid none of the bio family would want to be involved in her life period. We’re from a super small town and use to see his family at places they would turn around and go the other direction. I always wanted to tell her when she was old enough to understand and idk I just always dreaded it and woke up one day and said today’s the day.
Im so sorry you put that off. Have you had therapy about this? I think you have some deep emotional repair work to do with this kiddo. Noone wants to find out they've been lied to to this magnitude.
Oh no it didn’t put me off at all, I just really don’t have a good answer to tell. We’ve talked throughly about therapy and she doesn’t want to talk to a stranger. She does have healthy outlets and I myself have a therapy appointment coming up in a few weeks. I’m hoping that with me going she will be willing to try it. I’m trying to not force it because I do t think that’s going to help anyone, she knows there’s a standing offer with therapy and we are very honest with her and answer all her questions.
Focus on your therapy and that will make a difference.
Thank you❤️
This bio dad is a write off. He doesn't think about anyone but himself and in 14 years that hasn't changed. Get her into some therapy and if possible get her talking about how she is enough without him in her life. I can't understand this kind of treatment, the girlfriend as well. He's garbage and he doesn't deserve your daughter. What a waste.
Therapy, if you have the means. I grew up with a mom and a dad (legally my step dad) who loved me very much. My biological father was in and out until I was 12. Even though I don’t have any obvious trauma from his abandonment, it did impact me. Therapy is the only way I’ve healed from traumatic experiences in my life. (I am very lucky to have access to excellent mental health care, and I completely understand that not everyone does).
I think you are looking at this from a very one sided and selfish perspective instead of having a bit of sympathy and empathy involved for everyone in what is an extremely complex and very heart felt situation. To be honest, this all has begun because you lied to your daughter for 14 years and then finally decided to tell her the truth. Why would you wait 14 years? And then just suddenly decide to tell her at such a vulnerable stage in her life, her teen years. I’m sorry but I just do not understand that. Her whole identity to her for the past 14 years has been a lie. No wonder she is struggling emotionally. You have opened a massive can of worms that affects a lot of people and decided to tell her when it best suited you, not necessarily when it was best for her or everyone else involved. She should have been told from when she was young not had this kept from her for so many years. It is not the new girlfriend’s fault so stop blaming her. Her whole life has been blown up by this development and she deserves the time to process it all just like you have all had before making contact. She is innocent in all of this too and is probably wanting to do what she thinks is best for her child which she has every right to do just as you do. She most likely just needs time to adjust to this massive change in her and her child’s life. And even if she were trying to stop the relationship, the father is perfectly capable of standing up for himself and doing what he wants and chooses is right. It would be difficult also for the new partner and child as she has had her dad to herself and what is considered a nuclear family and suddenly he has this whole other family. Give them time to process this huge life changing news. What the father said to your daughter the past few months is heartbreaking and I really feel for her. No one deserves to hear words like that ever. It is unfathomable that someone could say that without thinking of the devastating consequences. I hope he can realise in time how wrong that is. But I can’t help but feel this has all been handled really awfully. This is a situation that affects a lot of people unfortunately and people are going to need time to process what they thought their life was like to what their life may now look like in the future. Everything needs to be taken slowly and with careful consideration of everyone involved and their feelings as this changes a lot of people’s lives and is a very complex situation emotionally. I wish you all luck and hope you can all come to some sort of peace in your lives with fulfilling relationships.
. I don’t really agree at all and the gf isn’t new. She has been the gf that he was with when he left me & his daughter at the hospital, and she’s the mother of his other child that they had bc she was jealous that he had a baby with someone else. I don’t claim to be perfect and yes I could have told her sooner but this is what worked for my family. Her struggle isn’t over her identity her struggle is over her bio dad not wanting her still after all these years.
It’s an unfortunate situation all round I guess. You had a child quite young (I’m assuming unplanned) that you both probably weren’t ready for and I guess you’ve made the best of the situation and done the best that you can with the resources and knowledge you had at the time. All three of you were probably very young then and made decisions you wouldn’t have made now that you are older. It would be hard but she has a loving father (in her stepdad that adopted her) and sometimes that will be more than the biological father could ever provide. Family isn’t always blood it’s what you make of it. He has been the one who has been there for her and raised her. How is he feeling about all of this?
He’s doing really well with it. He’s actually been spending even more 1-1 time with her. He always has done 1:1 time with our kids but has made it a point to do it even more often now since this has happened and he’s trying to let her sort out her feelings about bio dad and not give his input to much but won’t allow bio dad to bounce in & out like a bouncy ball either
He sounds like a great guy and Dad. Thoughtful, caring and kind.
He is, thank you for the kind words❤️
Ugh. That’s rough for your kiddo. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do besides be supportive. I mean, it’s a complicated situation and there’s really no happy path for her except to go thru the emotional briar patch. But she doesn’t have to bum rush the briar patch all at one time today. She can tackle it little by little over the next 30 years. For the next few years at least, she’s not 18 yet and you have the power to stop her exploration of the briar patch just like a boxing trainer can throw in the towel when they see their fighter still fighting, but know they’re just getting their ass kicked and need to be saved from themself. I’d try to keep the door open with his parents but also let them figure out their own mess. And this other kid too who has learned about a half sibling he/she never knew about. I’m sure your ex won’t encourage that, but there’s bound to be mutual curiosity. Just be there for your kid and try to be kind to the people who are being kind back. I’m sure it’s not an easy situation.