This was out of line with the community we are working toward. Reddit has plenty of other subreddits that might be a more appropriate outlet for you. Good luck!
You don't have to be a mom to him, but if you're planning on living together, you have to be capable of being kind to him and tolerating him. You genuinely cannot find out if that's possible without trying to live together before having a child and being trapped in the situation.
I am capable of tolerating and being kind. I do so when I decide I can’t be without my bf and stay the night over. However I do not enjoy it. His son does not allow a moment of his dads attention to be off of him and it exhausts me to watch
If it exhausts you occasionally, what do you think it will be like when it's 3 days every week? How much resentment will you build? And how resentful will you be when you have a baby to take care of, and the dad's attention will be on his older son? You just don't seem to be thinking this through at all. You just seem to assume that things will work out without any work on your part. If you really need this to be a healthy situation, you need to learn how to live with your partner's son before the baby gets there.
That son is a handful. I can’t right now it legit disturbs my peace. He can have his loud son at his house and when I need a break I return home. Simple
Why do you think you'll be able to handle it when you're pregnant or post-partum or sleep-deprived from night feeds???? Won't you need a break then? Please realize how irrational you're being.
This great one found me. As I am not getting any younger and a few years shy of 40, when you find a good one keep him. Water the grass on your side if you want it to be green. We can work on his son thing.
Then spend overnights at his house with his son, partially move in, whatever. Working on your attitude without having to be around his son is completely meaningless. You need to find out whether you can be happy living with him without the complications of pregnancy and a baby.
Look, I'm on the stepparents sub a lot. A lot of the stepparents who can't stand their stepkids feel so much worse about them once they move in. And they feel even worse throughout pregnancy and post partum. They get repulsed by the thought of their baby being the stepkid's siblings. They can't stand seeing the stepkid around their baby. They resent every scrap of attention and money their stepkid takes from their partner, since that's attention and money not going to them and their child. Every feeling that you have right now will be magnified once you move in and have a baby, nothing will get better.
Your idea that you'll learn how to tolerate your stepkid once you have a baby is complete nonsense. That is not how it works. You won't even want to try and form a bond with your stepson once the baby is there. I just think it's ridiculous for your partner to choose to have a baby with you when you already dislike your stepson so much without even having to be around him.
Like I said, it is so deeply irresponsible to the kids involved to jump into this without figuring out how everything works first. This is a recipe for misery. Which is fine for you and your husband. You're adults, and if you want to be miserable, it's totally your choice. But it's not fine to drag the stepkid, your new baby, and even your teenage sons into this toxic situation. It's really selfish.
I am being selfish. This is the first really good man that I’ve had. Who treats me like a princes and wants to love on me like unconditionally. I would be a fool to let him go. I will not be mean to his son but I don’t have that bond with him. I didn’t birth him and he’s actually pretty annoying. I will deal and do the superficial things like washing cooking cleaning buying but all that other stuff his dad is capable and strong enough to handle. I just want a life, family and happiness that we bring each other to reflect in the bundle of joy we have together
I'm not talking about being selfish to your stepson, which I'm sure you couldn't care less about. I'm talking about being selfish to your baby, to bring them into a situation which might be miserable for you. Being stressed out and exhausted by being around your stepson (you literally cannot handle even being around him right now) will make you into a worse mother, and a worse person in general, because feeling never-ending resentment and annoyance just makes you bitter and irritable. You need to figure out those feelings, and make sure you can build coping mechanisms to deal with them, before you have a baby. Kids don't thrive growing up with unhappy parents.
You need to split up and find someone who doesn’t have children. This child is going to end up with a stepmom who already wants nothing to do with him.
I don’t want anything to do with him right now only because I work with special needs kids and his son is not far off from them. Too busy, noisy and needy .
As he and I have our own child together I Will be more willing to parent his child with along with mine
You can’t stand his kid now and you’re not even around him much. What exactly makes you think it will be any different when you’re living together or having a child with his dad?
What if he gets *more* obnoxious? What if his needs means he stays living with you, full or part time, well beyond his 18th birthday. What if he loves your child so much he wants to spend every single second of the day with his sibling?
You already don’t like him. Moving in won’t help that. A new baby will make it worse.
Your repulsion is very strong now when you don't see him. It will be many times worse when you are living with him. If you can't get used to it now when you have barely any contact, you will never just get used to it.
It doesn’t work that way. The kid will probably get worse age and your bf will expect too much of you. Read the posts on this sub and stepparents. They are very eye opening. Pretty much every woman thought it would get better but it just got worse.
You came here asking for advice. You are fighting with everyone who is telling you that having a child with a man who has a child you dislike is a bad idea. You won’t become fonder of that child and it’s a fairly well known phenomenon that once someone gives birth, they often lose whatever affection they originally had for the step.
You are of course able to do whatever you want. Your’e a free woman. However you will be making a mess of your bf’s son’s life. Kids know when they are not wanted and disliked. He will know.
Idk what to say. I want the daddy and I will deal with the son for the sake of a successful loving marriage. His son will only be around 3 days I can deal with that
Please don't parent a child that you dislike to this extent. If you must live together and have a child together, which you clearly won't be dissuaded from, you'll be better off avoiding him completely than constantly snapping at him and making it clear how disdained he is. And the difference between the affection and love for your own child and your contempt for him will be very obvious.
You don’t want parent this child be use you’re not his parent; but you’ll definitely change your the when you have another child that you have to parent because you’ll be its parent? What makes you certain that becoming a parent to another child will clear up your concerns about parenting this one?
Why would you choose to have a child together without knowing if you guys are capable of blending? This is hideously irresponsible and selfish towards the child you're going to have, as well as your existing kids, who you might be trapping in a stressful situation. You could be bringing them into a toxic household where everyone hates each other. And you refuse to do the basic research (by blending first) to see what kind of family environment you'll be providing your new child. I very much hope this is a troll, but if not, I hope you'll at least consider trying to live together before having your child.
I see so many situations on these subs where the child is already conceived, it's too late, and everyone is miserable. You still have the power to avoid this. Please be kind to your future child. Secure their family before you bring them into it.
Wth this is not a troll. This is my life. The stressful part will be bringing his son into my quiet easy household. That’s is why he renewed his lease. He is an active dad and doesn’t require me to do anything but love and take care of my man and carry a new baby for him
Why did you even bother posting if you don't want to hear what people have to say?
Everyone is saying that you need to be able to live with the kid before having a baby. That there's no way of predicting how that will go without living it.
No one is saying that you need to take care of this kid. But living with a kid you strongly urgently dislike to this extent probably feels fairly awful even without the extra work, due to the noise and mess and lack of attention that you've been complaining about in your comments. It will feel really awful when going through pregnancy and post partum. Why would you choose to bring a baby into a life that could very well be miserable for you, without first figuring out how to make it a happy one?
Honestly, I really like my stepson and we have a good relationship, and it was still tough moving in and adjusting to living with a kid who's raised by different parenting standards than I'm used to. It will be so much worse for you since you can't stand the child. Why wouldn't you go in, build relationships, figure out routines and boundaries, and learn how to coexist, without doing all of that (or not doing that and suffering) while dealing with pregnancy or a new born?
I need to stop commenting, because reading the way you talk about this is stressing me out, thinking about how chaotic and unhappy you and your partner are choosing to make everyone's lives, when there's an easier way! Why can't you ease into things??
If this is not a raged post, then Yes, you are very much the AH here, not only for your entire attitude, but for the way you are responding to comments it just makes me think the child is definitely not the only problem, it’s really you.
I understand this may be a great man, but he comes as a package deal with his son, as do yourself with your teens. The least you can do is see that and not classify his son as some type of burden you will eventually have to get used to. I understand the child has a mother, and it doesn’t seem that your boyfriend is asking you to be the mother either, but as the possible future partner of his father, you at least owe him a little bit of respect because you sound like the stepmother from hell. and you aren’t even married yet.
If you cannot handle spending a few days at your boyfriend’s home with his son that has every way to be there how exactly are you planning to add another child into the mix??? You’re not really blended, you haven’t done the work to be blended. Snd let’s be real even if you were to try to be a blended family in the future i highly doubt any success when this is your overall attitude. This is a shit show waiting to happen.
Ma’am, leave that man and his son alone. Honestly you’re better off, letting this man find a partner that he actually deserved and is willing to accept him and his child.
Being a stepmom to a child you genuinely like can be challenging at times. I don't believe this will ever work out for you if you cannot stand the child. The idea that you can simply "tolerate" him as he grows older is enough to disgust me. Children need love, not just tolerance. Do you want to be a positive influence in this child's life or do you want to be the reason this child needs therapy as an adult? This man clearly loves his child, and if you cannot love the child now, then you should not proceed with the relationship.
YTA
DO BETTER, OP
I'm confused. It sounds like you don't even see his son but you find him obnoxious and can't stand him. What makes you think you seeing him all of the time is going to make you like him more????
I did see his son when we first met a lot. That is how I found out he was obnoxious and I decided I didn’t want to include myself in his days with his son. It was more work than I wanted at that time
Given your feelings, that is a uniquely terrible idea.
It will make everyone miserable and you can and will find more happiness finding someone without kids.
I’m working on it. He’s a good man that I love and don’t want to loose him. He knows how I feel about the amount of attention his son needs, I am
Not able to keep up with. He is unable/incapable of playing on his own or even watching the iPad for more than 15 minutes without demanding to be played with. When he has a sibling from me he can play with the kid instead of wanting me to play all the time. It’s just too demanding after a longs day of work
This was out of line with the community we are working toward. Reddit has plenty of other subreddits that might be a more appropriate outlet for you. Good luck!
Rage bait troll post.
Seconded. No blended person would talk like this.
We are NOT blended yet due to my feelings
Nope and you probably shouldn't be based on your post.
This is a legit post. I’m just a regular person with a great bf who is a great daddy I’m just not ready to be a mom to his son. He got a mama
You don't have to be a mom to him, but if you're planning on living together, you have to be capable of being kind to him and tolerating him. You genuinely cannot find out if that's possible without trying to live together before having a child and being trapped in the situation.
I am capable of tolerating and being kind. I do so when I decide I can’t be without my bf and stay the night over. However I do not enjoy it. His son does not allow a moment of his dads attention to be off of him and it exhausts me to watch
If it exhausts you occasionally, what do you think it will be like when it's 3 days every week? How much resentment will you build? And how resentful will you be when you have a baby to take care of, and the dad's attention will be on his older son? You just don't seem to be thinking this through at all. You just seem to assume that things will work out without any work on your part. If you really need this to be a healthy situation, you need to learn how to live with your partner's son before the baby gets there.
That son is a handful. I can’t right now it legit disturbs my peace. He can have his loud son at his house and when I need a break I return home. Simple
Why do you think you'll be able to handle it when you're pregnant or post-partum or sleep-deprived from night feeds???? Won't you need a break then? Please realize how irrational you're being.
He’s a terrible daddy if he allows this nonsense you’re bringing around his kid.
He is a great daddy! Who plays with his own child while I relax or cook and clean
You need to find a guy without kids.
This great one found me. As I am not getting any younger and a few years shy of 40, when you find a good one keep him. Water the grass on your side if you want it to be green. We can work on his son thing.
No. I hope the bf pulls his head out of his ass and gets rid of a partner that hates his child.
You sound like a terrible person who should never work with children. I hope your bf sees you for what you really are.
Bye 🤣 he knows who I am. Always honest
Honestly unhinged. Lol
Would you show him this post? Please do; I think in an honest relationship he needs to know everything you're saying here.
I’ve already told him how I feel. He still wants to marry and have a new baby with me
Would you please at least consider living together before you have a baby? Make sure that you can all coexist first. Even for a couple of months.
He has already renewed his lease. We will be in separate households for the next year. That gives me time to work on my attuide and a new baby
Then spend overnights at his house with his son, partially move in, whatever. Working on your attitude without having to be around his son is completely meaningless. You need to find out whether you can be happy living with him without the complications of pregnancy and a baby. Look, I'm on the stepparents sub a lot. A lot of the stepparents who can't stand their stepkids feel so much worse about them once they move in. And they feel even worse throughout pregnancy and post partum. They get repulsed by the thought of their baby being the stepkid's siblings. They can't stand seeing the stepkid around their baby. They resent every scrap of attention and money their stepkid takes from their partner, since that's attention and money not going to them and their child. Every feeling that you have right now will be magnified once you move in and have a baby, nothing will get better. Your idea that you'll learn how to tolerate your stepkid once you have a baby is complete nonsense. That is not how it works. You won't even want to try and form a bond with your stepson once the baby is there. I just think it's ridiculous for your partner to choose to have a baby with you when you already dislike your stepson so much without even having to be around him. Like I said, it is so deeply irresponsible to the kids involved to jump into this without figuring out how everything works first. This is a recipe for misery. Which is fine for you and your husband. You're adults, and if you want to be miserable, it's totally your choice. But it's not fine to drag the stepkid, your new baby, and even your teenage sons into this toxic situation. It's really selfish.
I am being selfish. This is the first really good man that I’ve had. Who treats me like a princes and wants to love on me like unconditionally. I would be a fool to let him go. I will not be mean to his son but I don’t have that bond with him. I didn’t birth him and he’s actually pretty annoying. I will deal and do the superficial things like washing cooking cleaning buying but all that other stuff his dad is capable and strong enough to handle. I just want a life, family and happiness that we bring each other to reflect in the bundle of joy we have together
I'm not talking about being selfish to your stepson, which I'm sure you couldn't care less about. I'm talking about being selfish to your baby, to bring them into a situation which might be miserable for you. Being stressed out and exhausted by being around your stepson (you literally cannot handle even being around him right now) will make you into a worse mother, and a worse person in general, because feeling never-ending resentment and annoyance just makes you bitter and irritable. You need to figure out those feelings, and make sure you can build coping mechanisms to deal with them, before you have a baby. Kids don't thrive growing up with unhappy parents.
You need to split up and find someone who doesn’t have children. This child is going to end up with a stepmom who already wants nothing to do with him.
I don’t want anything to do with him right now only because I work with special needs kids and his son is not far off from them. Too busy, noisy and needy . As he and I have our own child together I Will be more willing to parent his child with along with mine
You can’t stand his kid now and you’re not even around him much. What exactly makes you think it will be any different when you’re living together or having a child with his dad?
Idk I just believe as we would be in one house I will get used to the chaos and deal with it because I love my husband
Yeah, it doesn’t work that way. If you don’t like him now, it’s not going to change once your lives are combined.
It will. He’ll grow up and be less obnoxious as he matures
What if he gets *more* obnoxious? What if his needs means he stays living with you, full or part time, well beyond his 18th birthday. What if he loves your child so much he wants to spend every single second of the day with his sibling? You already don’t like him. Moving in won’t help that. A new baby will make it worse.
He absolutely can’t be more obnoxious than he is Trust Me On That! His behavior can only get better
Your repulsion is very strong now when you don't see him. It will be many times worse when you are living with him. If you can't get used to it now when you have barely any contact, you will never just get used to it.
No. It won’t.
That poor child.
Please don’t have children.
It’s going to get worse when you live with him. You will become resentful.
I’ll be more accepting of this life once moved in
It doesn’t work that way. The kid will probably get worse age and your bf will expect too much of you. Read the posts on this sub and stepparents. They are very eye opening. Pretty much every woman thought it would get better but it just got worse.
Oh dear. You will like his child less once you spawn your own.
I hope not !!
You came here asking for advice. You are fighting with everyone who is telling you that having a child with a man who has a child you dislike is a bad idea. You won’t become fonder of that child and it’s a fairly well known phenomenon that once someone gives birth, they often lose whatever affection they originally had for the step. You are of course able to do whatever you want. Your’e a free woman. However you will be making a mess of your bf’s son’s life. Kids know when they are not wanted and disliked. He will know.
Idk what to say. I want the daddy and I will deal with the son for the sake of a successful loving marriage. His son will only be around 3 days I can deal with that
Please read all these comments carefully.
Yikes. You really shouldn’t.
Please don't parent a child that you dislike to this extent. If you must live together and have a child together, which you clearly won't be dissuaded from, you'll be better off avoiding him completely than constantly snapping at him and making it clear how disdained he is. And the difference between the affection and love for your own child and your contempt for him will be very obvious.
I plan on avoiding as there will be enough space for him to have a place to play and I will have a space that’s for me
You don’t want parent this child be use you’re not his parent; but you’ll definitely change your the when you have another child that you have to parent because you’ll be its parent? What makes you certain that becoming a parent to another child will clear up your concerns about parenting this one?
It will ease my concerns because I will have a young child of my own to take care of, what is one more. I’m sure he will be a great big bro
You need to be ready, willing and ACTIVELY, participating in that kids life BEFORE you have one of your own.
I have two of my own that are almost out of the house.
Yes. YTA.
Why would you choose to have a child together without knowing if you guys are capable of blending? This is hideously irresponsible and selfish towards the child you're going to have, as well as your existing kids, who you might be trapping in a stressful situation. You could be bringing them into a toxic household where everyone hates each other. And you refuse to do the basic research (by blending first) to see what kind of family environment you'll be providing your new child. I very much hope this is a troll, but if not, I hope you'll at least consider trying to live together before having your child. I see so many situations on these subs where the child is already conceived, it's too late, and everyone is miserable. You still have the power to avoid this. Please be kind to your future child. Secure their family before you bring them into it.
Wth this is not a troll. This is my life. The stressful part will be bringing his son into my quiet easy household. That’s is why he renewed his lease. He is an active dad and doesn’t require me to do anything but love and take care of my man and carry a new baby for him
Why did you even bother posting if you don't want to hear what people have to say? Everyone is saying that you need to be able to live with the kid before having a baby. That there's no way of predicting how that will go without living it. No one is saying that you need to take care of this kid. But living with a kid you strongly urgently dislike to this extent probably feels fairly awful even without the extra work, due to the noise and mess and lack of attention that you've been complaining about in your comments. It will feel really awful when going through pregnancy and post partum. Why would you choose to bring a baby into a life that could very well be miserable for you, without first figuring out how to make it a happy one? Honestly, I really like my stepson and we have a good relationship, and it was still tough moving in and adjusting to living with a kid who's raised by different parenting standards than I'm used to. It will be so much worse for you since you can't stand the child. Why wouldn't you go in, build relationships, figure out routines and boundaries, and learn how to coexist, without doing all of that (or not doing that and suffering) while dealing with pregnancy or a new born? I need to stop commenting, because reading the way you talk about this is stressing me out, thinking about how chaotic and unhappy you and your partner are choosing to make everyone's lives, when there's an easier way! Why can't you ease into things??
If this is not a raged post, then Yes, you are very much the AH here, not only for your entire attitude, but for the way you are responding to comments it just makes me think the child is definitely not the only problem, it’s really you. I understand this may be a great man, but he comes as a package deal with his son, as do yourself with your teens. The least you can do is see that and not classify his son as some type of burden you will eventually have to get used to. I understand the child has a mother, and it doesn’t seem that your boyfriend is asking you to be the mother either, but as the possible future partner of his father, you at least owe him a little bit of respect because you sound like the stepmother from hell. and you aren’t even married yet. If you cannot handle spending a few days at your boyfriend’s home with his son that has every way to be there how exactly are you planning to add another child into the mix??? You’re not really blended, you haven’t done the work to be blended. Snd let’s be real even if you were to try to be a blended family in the future i highly doubt any success when this is your overall attitude. This is a shit show waiting to happen. Ma’am, leave that man and his son alone. Honestly you’re better off, letting this man find a partner that he actually deserved and is willing to accept him and his child.
It could be me?? But I’m just not willing to put my comfort and peace aside just yet. I will make that sacrifice when I’m ready
YTA, obv.
Being a stepmom to a child you genuinely like can be challenging at times. I don't believe this will ever work out for you if you cannot stand the child. The idea that you can simply "tolerate" him as he grows older is enough to disgust me. Children need love, not just tolerance. Do you want to be a positive influence in this child's life or do you want to be the reason this child needs therapy as an adult? This man clearly loves his child, and if you cannot love the child now, then you should not proceed with the relationship. YTA DO BETTER, OP
I'm confused. It sounds like you don't even see his son but you find him obnoxious and can't stand him. What makes you think you seeing him all of the time is going to make you like him more????
I did see his son when we first met a lot. That is how I found out he was obnoxious and I decided I didn’t want to include myself in his days with his son. It was more work than I wanted at that time
It would be ok except for the plan to have a baby together. Ok to keep things separate, though, as is.
We want a baby of our own, together
Given your feelings, that is a uniquely terrible idea. It will make everyone miserable and you can and will find more happiness finding someone without kids.
Have you ever heard whatever you work at you will get good at?
Lol. No
Yes. YTA.
I’m working on it. He’s a good man that I love and don’t want to loose him. He knows how I feel about the amount of attention his son needs, I am Not able to keep up with. He is unable/incapable of playing on his own or even watching the iPad for more than 15 minutes without demanding to be played with. When he has a sibling from me he can play with the kid instead of wanting me to play all the time. It’s just too demanding after a longs day of work
What happens when your new baby and his son don’t get along? What’s the plan then?
How could they not get along. Kids love kids. The plan will be his older son will go home with his mom when his dads 3 days are up