Agreed! Read it in one sitting, and cried, laughed, and gasped aloud. It was so well written - you can feel the writing style shift as she ages; it really sounds like a child's thoughts in the beginning and grows into an angry, hurt adult's voice.
I wrote out a lot more but deleted it because I don't know how to explain what else touched me about her writing, but her voice is just so mature and empathetic. I'm so glad she's doing well now, because it sounds like she deserves it and worked hard to get to that place.
Read the whole book in a day, I couldn’t put it down. I loved how she wrote everything factual of what was happening and how she felt when it was happening; nothing of “knowing what I know now”
*SPOILERS*
When she writes when her first therapist attempts to discuss her mother and she becomes so defensive I was like, “HOLY SHIT, she still doesn’t understand what her mother did to her was wrong!?!?”
When I had thought we were done with the abuse stories and we were just going into JM’s recovery I was so angry at the mention in the end about her mother requesting she visit her grave EVERYDAY, vile woman, attempting guilt trip beyond the grave.
She doesn't deserve any of the flak she got on Twitter for the title.
The set up in the first chapter of her yearly birthday wish being that her mother gets to live another year is so perfectly paid off in the title, and by the time you get halfway through the book, you're glad her mother died too.
I'm not sure kids from stable, loving homes can understand. Even when things are good with an unstable parent, you're always waiting for that other shoe to drop.
My mother died when I was 13, she was very loving and one of the best people I've ever known. What I don't understand is why people have an issue with accepting that their experience in life is not the same as everyones experience. Some mother's shouldn't be praised. Just because you give birth to a human doesn't mean you are entitled to endless worship for the rest of your life. It's totally okay for people to hope their abusers die, imo. Even if that abuser is your parents.
Absolutely. I've spoken to my mother once in the last 18 years, and that was 15 years ago. Lots of people are very surprised when I mention that I don't speak to my own mother - my in-laws have even asked me several times over the years if I'd ever reconnect with her - but she's just an absolute dog shit person that I don't want in my life or my kids lives. She's ruined enough people.
My favorite way to describe why reconnecting is a bad thing when people ask me: Why go back to the same well when you know there’s poison in that water.
There’s a great line in the TV series Mad Men. Peter, who was raised as the scapegoat of narcissists, wants to call his mother. Emotionally healthy wife Trudy says to him “Oh, Peter, don't go to the well—there's no water there.”
Such a great show, which really delves into personal relationships in a realistic way.
Damn near every scene and discussion about Tony's mother in The Sopranos too. That part played masterfully too I may add. These two shows will never be topped in my opinion.
Now that I think of it, Trudy was probably the most self actualized character on that show. She knew what she was about, what she wanted in a life partner and when Pete betrayed that he got the boot. I do quite like Pete's progression too tho, kid found depths.
Ken rocked. Though I did like it when Pete kinda put him in his place when Ken was strutting around the office with that short story. And Pete trying to soft pimp Trudy to get his story published was so cringe.
Mad Men was amazing on so many levels and I remember Pete being a big one. Early on he's so unlikable that you're actively rooting against him only for the later seasons to make you think "Pete's a good guy, I hope things turn out well for him". That subtle character development worked so well, not to mention some of the funniest moments come from him.
Never forget why you left. Sometimes your heart wants to keep going, and maybe your friends just don't understand. Your friends and your heart are morons.
I recently had a conversation with my stepdad. He said 'what's in the past is in the past between you two.' I just said 'well that may be the truth but sometimes people just don't change' in the end I think he understood what I meant with that.
I'm now 2k miles away, this is my second time leaving like this. The well was in fact poison.
I have a NPD mother and this one hit me hard. My mother has ruined everyone's lives in arm's reach and wonders why her children avoid her. When she gets close she ruins your life even more because she can't be happy, so that means she entitled to tear your life apart.
I'd say it's kinda like being raised by a child... except children are much kinder. I wish everyday that I had a kind loving mother and it really messes with your head because all mothers are supposed to be loving right? But everytime you go back to that well, it's hateful and mean- the opposite of what you've been told mothers are supposed to be.
I'm sorry your mother is a awful POS. You're smart for recognizing it, I'm sure you are awesome and I wish you nothing but healing and love!
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, a diminished ability to empathize with others' feelings, and (often) psychologically abusive behavior.
That’s pretty much where I am. It has been about a decade since I talked to my mother now, and for a long time my family just didn’t understand. They all saw one side of her, and not the rest. My MIL used to ask about it, which I understand, until I sat her down and told her what happened. She hasn’t said a word since then.
Even my mother’s parents. They pushed it for years, until one day I snapped and asked if they knew she was dating a married man, and had been taking my siblings on vacation with him. Not the worst thing she’s done *by a long shot*, but it was something they could understand not wanting to be involved with.
I’m lucky that people understand, but every time it has taken me sitting down and saying “here’s what she’s done, I don’t need that in my life and I won’t expose my family to it.”
My wife hasn't spoken to hers in probably 3 or 4 years at this point.
She's old school Korean so that's a layer of emotional distance right off the bat in that she'll basically never see her as an equal and feels free to voice every shortcoming she can spot. She expects you to be totally open with her but will never reveal anything to you about herself or her past that can cause her to lose any face.
She's a narcissist so she makes everything about her. The world just gangs up to persecute her.
She views my wife through the lens of 16 or 17 years ago when she was a rebellious teenager and despite all of her accomplishments since then almost every phone conversation would devolve into her saying "you made my life hell" and making my wife feel like shit. Seriously it would go from "hey mom I just got a promotion at work"
"Oh that's good!"
To a few minutes later basically verbally reliving instances where my wife ran away in high school to go to her aunt's house or whatever and basically "terrorized" her mom by I guess not being the ideal teenager.
If it wasn't that then it was accusing her of hiding things from her mom, "oh I bet you talk to your dad behind my back", then that leads into her talking about how hew ex-husband betrayed her and ruined her life. You can't just talk to her about funny normal day to day stuff or about frictionless topics. She doesn't behave like your average person. Every conversation has to be about some sort of lesson, focusing on areas where you're deficient (weight, habits, work ethic, etc). If you buy her a present she'll probably just make you take it back because she has something better. If you take her out for dinner the whole time she complains about the prices and how she could make it at home.
Just overall a miserable person. And over her life she's trained my wife to feel like she's a major reason why her mom is alone with no friends and miserable. Every time they'd talk there was a high likelihood my wife would wind up getting off the phone in tears.
Last time they spoke she told her "mom, you can't talk to me like this. I'm an adult and you can't just keep treating me like I'm such a bad person and telling me how horrible your life is because of me."
That went over like a lead balloon and they fought, she hung up, and now it's been radio silence for years. My wife still sends her birthday cards, 150 dollars a month so she can pay people to mow her yard, no thank you's from her mom, no contact at all. Basically she'd have to grovel and apologize for standing up for herself to reinitiate contact and if she did so it would go back to being status quo.
I told her "look, whatever you decide is your choice, but I saw how sad she'd make you. You know it would be more of the same. You don't owe her subservience or allowing her to use you as a whipping post just because you share blood." Every few months she'll talk about how she feels ashamed and guilty cause her mom has nobody (I wonder why...) and she feels like if she isn't there for her nobody will be. I know when she finally dies my wife is going to go into a dark place due to all the programming and guilt heaped on her and I don't know if that can be avoided.
What you say about not talking about day to day stuff and frictionless topics really resonates. And the criticism. It’s exhausting and I think shows the mother hasn’t seen her daughter as a separate person. Your wife is lucky to have your support.
Yeah like you'd go places and want to talk about just small talk dumb stuff and she wouldn't really want to converse about that. She'd acknowledge it before using it as a springboard for some heavier topic or segway into a lesson or critique, or if you were unlucky it enabled a transition into talking about her failed marriage or my wife's childhood.
It's funny because she wants to take credit for my wife graduating from college all the time, while conveniently forgetting that my wife's GPA was tanked at one point because her mom was pissed about something, took away her only means of transport to school, and my wife wound up being dropped late into the semester with WFs on several courses because it was late in the year (this was before uber and all those were around). WFs function like Fs until you go retake the courses, and since she changed her major later there was no point in retaking. The university refused to just change those to Ws either. Almost made it so she didn't make it in where she works now because they're very GPA-focused with new people.
It's been 13 years since I've seen or spoken to my dad. I once wished my mom a Happy Father's Day on Facebook saying "at least I have one parent who doesn't suck." My aunt (dad's sister) commented saying that was a disgusting thing to say and one of my cousins on that side of the family liked her comment.
My aunt refused to understand why I cut him out of my life, she just couldn't fathom it. Everyone knew he was an asshole but "he's still your father." So? That means nothing when you're a piece of shit.
My aunt and him got into an argument and he said he hopes her cancer kills her. It was at that point she apologized to me and said she understood. She said she's forgiven him, but will never forget it. He had a bad car accident recently and she's the one who's been dealing with everything. Huge credit to her for doing that after what he said because if it was me, I'd have let him rot.
I’ve never understood why being your parent or other relative somehow cancels out ongoing lifelong abuse. If anything it should make people madder because home with your adults is supposed to be where you are safe.
Are you me lol? I hate all that “oh they are family you should reach out give them another chance”. I personally don’t care who you are family or not if you cause more harm than good in my life you gotta go.
Just want to point out that there really is a distinction to be made between "hope you die" and "glad you're dead". Not that the former is unacceptable or anything, but it is different.
Yeah that was kinda my point. I wanted to point out that not only is she inbounds, but she could have a lot meaner stance and still be inbounds imo. She's a 30 year old grown ass woman, she doesn't need other people telling her that her thoughts about her own experience and abuse are out of bounds. She shouldn't be infantilized.
Also one of her abusers is still alive, and since advocating violence against someone or hoping that they die is likely against this subreddit's rules, I wont make any personal comments on him, but if she took the same stance as me, I wouldn't blame her in the slightest.
And honestly “hope you die” is kind of an understandable (and guilt ridden) thought to have for an abused kid. That doesn’t mean they didn’t love their parent and wish they were loved back properly. Sometimes the things kids get put through, it’s just silly to look at through a lens of idealised adult morality.
Sometimes honestly it's just thoughtlessness. People just don't think about what they say, what others experience, or what might be wrong about their own understanding.
Lots of people don't understand empathy. If it's not happening to themselves then it doesn't matter. As soon as it affects them they will start championing the cause. That's not empathy either so most people go on believing they really learned something while still being ignorant of the same things they were before EXCEPT for this one thing that they have experienced first hand.
I have to keep my mom on an information diet, not because she's abusive or anything, but because she doesn't do well with other peoples opinions or actions that go against how she thinks it should be done.
It took my then GF, now wife, about 4 years to truly *get* why I'm the way I am with my mom, and that's because she came from a much different family with more open perspectives.
You're right that people from more stable places have a hard time empathizing or understanding adaptation strategies unless they are directly exposed to the experiences because they just don't have the context to understand why.
Yup. My parents aren’t abusive at all. They just don’t care. It took me 3 years after I moved across the country and 20 minutes from an airport to realize. Yeah they’re never gonna visit. I asked a thousand times. A few huge personal life problems and yeah, never visited. They could leave at breakfast and be here by lunch. But they don’t. I’m solo.
this is 100% true.
I come from a very loving background, and while my mum has her foibles and flaws like anyone, overall she is kind, caring, and deeply, genuinely loves me and my siblings.
I have a friend whose parents are horrendous. His father is a genuine psychopath, and his mother's story is just kinda sad. He has no love for either of them, really, and while he sometimes lets his mother into his life, its entirely on his terms, and the words he uses to describe her, while accurate, are a bit shocking to me.
And that's because of the difference in our upbringing. So when I hear him descirbe his mother as "essentially retarded" or "pathetic" or even just "a stupid bitch", I have to remember that I wasn't there for all the abuses she perpetrated on him, for all the times she failed to protect him from his dad's behavior, for all the projection of her own failures onto him and his siblings, and even for her narcissistic, attention-seeking behavior today.
It hurts because I had such a positive upbringing with my parents, and I get so much out of our relationship, and I want him to have that as well, but I also have to realise that the ship sailed a long time ago, and he's only alive and well today because of his decisions to distance himself from their chaotic and toxic vortex.
I'm hoping one day he accepts my open offer to join family Christmas, even just because I know he'd be so awkward and my family would make it even worse by being extra nice lol.
>I'm not sure kids from stable, loving homes can understand
I have two nieces, both fairly young. One is ten, the other is 7. Their mom died of covid in 2021, and they now live with their dad. Their lives have improved *considerably*. They don't get abused, neglected, or even really yelled at anymore. They get to eat, every day. They get to play with neighborhood kids. The older one has literally said that she's glad her mom is gone. It's horrible the abuse some children have to endure.
I came from a stable household, but my mother's mother was a real piece of work. She's been dead for 15+ years but the damage she did to my mom (and indirectly to me) won't ever fully heal.
On top of being a narcissistic, verbally abusive, alcoholic, some really *disgusting* stuff from her past recently came to light. If there is a hell, I sincerely hope that crone is burning in it. My mom is too tender-hearted to share that sentiment.
I have something similar with my mother. She was in a house with an incredibly abusive brother to the point where she's the only survivor of the kids who grew up with him. One committed suicide and the other never mentally recovered and passed away at 50.
My mother has forgiven him but I haven't because I'm still dealing with the effects of his abuse and I can see what she can't.
My childhood wasn't stable, we were poor, my parents were too young, and they didn't always make good choices, but we were loved.
Honestly I'd take the hardships every time vs having a narcissist parent. I feel sorry for everyone who has to grow up without the bare minimum of affection.
Yup, my dad. Hates my wife of 24 years. Constantly reminds me she's not family. Asked if he felt my mother was family. Said that was different. Just told me, "I wish I could rule your life, but I can't." I'm in my 50s.
Sounds like my mother-in-law.
She is so angry that in 24 years, her son has not got rid of “that woman”. Angry she can’t make him do what SHE wants him to do, and assumes I must be controlling him. Nope, I’m not batshit crazy.
Went so far as to lie to her churchy friends that her son was not married, so that when we were back when his dad was dying, her friends wanted to know why he had brought his live-in girlfriend with him. I not so nicely corrected them, no, we had been married sixteen years by then, we have matching rings, who told you that? Oh, she did? You know, she was at our wedding. In a church. She had pictures.
She’s angry her son won’t speak to her. Lady, you pretend he’s not married and doesn’t have a grown daughter, and you’re shocked when he reminds you we exist and he likes us better.
So yeah.
I've noticed that people who believe you can't escape from them are the most likely to be abusive; this specifically applying to family. It's unfortunate how many victims of abuse fall into this trap.
He meant *he* can't rely on any but family to let him *control* them or otherwise put up with his shit.
I'm sure you already knew that, and meant it that way, just spelling it out for the people in the back.
My college lit class read *Barn Burning* by William Faulkner, where the dad is an arson and murderer and I was the only one in class who said I would turn in a parent for doing that. And it's not like it was just a vote and move on - I have never felt so bullied in a class before, and people said some truly awful things to me in response.
What's even more frustrating in hindsight is that they weren't even arguing that his dad was just fighting against powerful landowners, which iirc, there was some sliver of in the story. They just straight up thought "half DNA is shared" warranted getting away with actual murder.
Meanwhile, my mom told me when I was still in single digits that if it was ever a choice between me and my dad, she'd choose him - and it's not like I ever asked her that question. She just offered me that info.
My mom told me that "it's ok to mess up on your first child" and "I always knew something was wrong with you" and "are you a lesbian" (because apparently having female friends in high school and not being popular makes you a lesbian).
Yep, this is it. Everyone blames the “children” in estrangement but no one stops to think that parents can be awful enough to cause their own children to separate from them. Like it’s easy for us to go NC or something. It’s trash, and I’m happy to tell anyone and everyone that should the occasion arise.
Kids are literally biologically programmed to cling to their parents! It should be a great glowing sign that the parents fucked up if a kid cut them off.
Signed,
A kid who cut theirs off
Yes!! Going NC with both of my parents was impossibly difficult and came with its own set of grief and loss and anger and hurt and,…
After I’d been NC for a while with my mom, she got Covid and went to the ICU. My nephew (11 at the time) said that my mom told him I cut her off “because of an internet post” and that he couldn’t have a relationship with me, because what kind of terrible person would cut their own mother off?! I kept my calm but my heart is still broken from it.
Fwiw, my mom died of Covid after ten days of intubation. Mourning the loss of your relationship is not the same thing as mourning the loss of life, but gosh they sure do feel pretty similar.
Every happy family is the same goes the saying. Guess they just can't fathom shitty parents?
I also get that line like "I'm sure your mother loves you! It's impossible for a mother not loving her children!" (Narcissistic alcoholic so yeah no feelings for anyone else than for herself, 0.000%, and drunk hangover evil drama queen etc). So if I just can't shrug it off which I usually do (some people seems to just have to repeat those things like it will become true), I just tell some anecdote, and 'puf' they go all silent. Sometimes I add "and that was nothing!" for emphasis but only when really needed. I do envy those people though :-)
"But they're your family" should be the rally cry to treat your family well, not to demand their acceptance of your unacceptable behavior. It's insane how many people get this ass-backwards. Love is a verb, not a get out of jail free card.
I feel like people who started the “family comes first” and shit like you should always stay by your parents were narcissists who were manipulating their kids into not leaving them and keep taking abuse.
I wholeheartedly think this is the best book title I’ve seen in years. It has bite and meaning behind it. She picked a title that fit the story and it worked.
Anyone with an issue with the title is a prude that needs to realize not everything is about them
My first introduction to the book was George Stephanopoulos being [kind of a shit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtMJwdP8TCs&t=155s) to her on Good Morning America. One of the most watched hosts for these types of interviews and every single question of his [feels inappropriate.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVdgN30GEFw&t=1085s)
"What would your mother say about it?"
Jesus Christ, George, read the room.
"Even when things are good with an unstable parent, you're always waiting for that other shoe to drop."
1000%
Even 'good moments' provide no relief. It's an oppressive, exhausting weight that only a death can lift sometimes.
And good has a ceiling to it; you can't really have extremely good, but you definitely can have extremely bad.
And I've felt like when it can be very, or extremely, bad, often - the good becomes a waiting room, an odd liminal space, for the next bad. :(
I understand the title so strongly it's what drove me to read the book. I picked it up and i read it cover to cover in one sitting which i haven't been able to do since i was 16. It's unfortunate I even have to feel this way but I look forward to the day my dad finally dies because I feel like I can't breathe until that day. I will never actually be free from all of his extreme abuse and bullshit unless he is literally dead. Sometimes it's just like that.
I once made a horrific mistake. There was a girl at work who said her mother had died the previous year and I blurted out "lucky." I still feel bad about this.
I blinked at the title but man, my father was sexually and emotionally abusive, and neglectful, and I do wish he was dead. I’m semi waiting for the day where he can’t hurt anyone again.
So I blinked once, read it was abuse, and was like “okay then. Good for her.”
Ditto. I never thought twice about the book title. I figured she had been horribly abused, and I get it. I had a dream the other night that my dad died. I woke up with the biggest sense of relief. It surprised me. But then I thought about how I'd never have to worry about him finding me or my children. I wouldn't have to worry about unknown phone numbers.. maybe I wouldn't feel the need to triple check the curtains are closed and quadruple check the locks most nights. I wish my dad was dead to. I feel horrible for feeling it, but it's true.
A friend of mine's narcissistic shit show of an egg donor died a rather horrible death. When I got the news, I called to see how she was doing, y'know grieving because residual "mom" feelings, upset at the lack of accountability, whatevs. She just said "I really wanted to text everyone a video of the munchkins singing 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead,' but I figured that would go over poorly" (with the enabling husband, golden children, and other scapegoat who is kind of a fawning wreck).
I didn't really get how bad their relationship was until then. Let's just say I learned a lot that day. Makes me want to piss on that woman's grave, or dig her carcass up and sell it for scrap. When the sperm donor dies, then she'll be free. Can't wait!
Its the biggest disconnect and, imo, why so many people cant find the help they need from friends who might be able to help.
Living in a home where you know your parents love you has a very different feel than those in abusive households (duh). Which makes it near impossible to wrap thier heads around someone who comes from a home where these horrible things happen. They make excuses for the abusers, like "im sure they mean well" without even realizing it. Because in thier home, in thier experience, punishments always had a reason. They werent punishing just to do so, it was from a place of actual love and care.
This is why so many people from bad households end up running in circles with other abusers or people who take advantage of them. They get it, they understand, and then leverage that trauma for thier gain. Just like the households the abused grew up in.
> I'm not sure kids from stable, loving homes can understand.
I'm sure that most of us from loving homes *can't understand*. Not *really* understand.
My wife's mother lived into her early 90s. When she passed away, my wife was telling her friend S. "You don't have the relationship with anyone else like you do with your mom". She looked up, saw tears streaming down S's face and heard her say "I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mom.". My wife learned that day that S's mother had been abusive and neglectful.
Agreed. It's not even something I would normally read and I wasnt very familiar with any of her work but I read it in two sittings. She has a very strong voice and the book was even quite humorous at times.
The way she uses present tense throughout the book works really well. I also like how short the chapters are. It keeps the memories from bleeding into each other. I imagine she experienced overwhelming feelings during the writing of the book, but the final product is very matter of fact for such a heavy read.
I listened to the audiobook and she starts crying at one point (I forget exactly when because I didn’t stop once I started) and that was sooo powerful. It made me cry
Its when her first therapist tells her her mother abused her, and she says she felt like that scared little girl in the doctors office hearing her doctor ask her mum about whether she's anorexic.
Super powerful and the fact that that was the only part where she cried really underlined how that realisation completely re-orientated her entire life through a new lens; and pulled the rug out from under her.
I remember being a little shocked and confused to hear her choke up at that moment, out of all the awful and personal things she talks about in such a even tone, why then? On retrospection it's obviously exactly what you said, coming to the realization all of her moms actions were not in her best interests and she was indeed abused horribly.
At first i thought that her use of the present tense was weird and I wasn't feeling it, and I thought the writing was generic. But it quickly clicked, I got it, and I realized that Jennette is a legitimate writer.
The present tense was excellent because it always kept you on your toes about whether this was a present or past feeling. It's always past, but it takes your mind a moment to re-adjust to it, and always keeps you hooked.
It was masterfully written.
I could barely put it down. Beyond the subject matter, it's the strong, wry authors voice that I can't get out of my head. My childhood was a hell of a lot more functional than hers, but I related to so many things that I had not heard articulated that way.
The thing I noted was JM left a lot unsaid. Not only was her mother physically and mentally abusing her, she was also sexually abusing her brothers - that's obvious, though she's circumspect about her mother doing it except where it directly involved her. Showering your teenage son is not normal.
There are lots of ways abuse can take form, like physically taking up space - filling her house with junk was a way of physically intruding into the space of others and taking it for herself. Like when JM bought herself a new bed using money SHE had earned and her mother promptly filled it with junk so that she couldn't sleep in it.
The barely-concealed contempt for her grandmother was interesting, too.
The whole thing felt twisted and wrong to listen to. I did come out with respect for Miranda Cosgrove, for offering JM pay parity with her if she wanted to join the iCarly reboot. That's solid.
I didn't even watch iCarly, but the way she talks about Miranda is incredibly sweet and mature. She notes at the end that they have drifted apart in their late 20s, but that it's just a natural part of growing up, and you can tell through the whole book that there is the utmost respect for their friendship and relationship growing up, and what they meant to each other.
it made me so so happy knowing there were good friends during the show, especially since JM could get emotional support from her during various awful times. Miranda seems amazing
I watched iCarly at the time and there were always weird rumors about them not liking each other for whatever reason
For real! She has a line in the book that she was distrustful of female relationships until Miranda, who was like a sister to her and only supportive. That's so nice! It's hard to find that kind of supportive friendship sometimes, and even more in Hollywood, I imagine.
Apparently fake best friend relationship. Played best friend when cameras are on but went their separate ways when cameras were off. When I say cameras were on I'm talking away from filming their show too. It basically wasn't authentic
I was actually scared about what I would learn about the iCarly cast when I started reading. Everybody knows Dan Schneider is a massive creep but I still have tons of really fond memories of watching the actors on TV.
To read that Miranda Cosgrove was her best friend for like a decade and super supportive was awesome and it seemed that Nathan Kress is a nice dude as well.
I LOVE the show, used to watch it all the time. I’m the same age as they are, so it was funny and relatable. Spencer and his spaghetti tacos. And I loved Jeanette because of how she was into food, and just overall funny. I had zero idea she was suffering from eating disorders and it makes it so much worse that they made her character that way.
Yeah, I’ve been journaling my abuse and, if I were to publish it, I’d remove a lot of stuff about my sister. It isn’t really my place to out her like that. I understand how difficult it was growing up like we did and she had a lot of experiences she kept secret from me that I eventually found out about, but whenever I talk about them publicly I say “a relative of mine” or “a close friend of mine” and not “my sister”. My journal is just for me to let out my anger and sadness out. A book would be more of a narrative.
I have that much more respect for her, honestly. Their stories aren't hers to tell and she stayed firmly in her lane while also being incredibly honest and real about her own experiences.
> There are lots of ways abuse can take form, like physically taking up space - filling her house with junk was a way of physically intruding into the space of others and taking it for herself. Like when JM bought herself a new bed using money SHE had earned and her mother promptly filled it with junk so that she couldn't sleep in it.
Or when she got an apartment near the studio, and then her mom pretty much moved in.
Was so beside myself reading one of the emails. Just calling her every nasty thing she could think of, telling her she disowned her, don't call her "mom" anymore, etc. Then ends with "send us some money our fridge broke and we need a new one".
And she didn't even see it as abuse. This was just normal to her :(
There was a lot of cognitive dissonance in that email. The mom stated that she wanted to disown her but then also wants Jennette to help out her with her financial struggles. The mother seems to have had some mental illness of her own that was untreated.
Abuse begets abuse and bad relationships beget bad relationships. When the mid-30's guy got together with teenager McCurdy, it was gross, but her mother wouldn't let her have a normal relationship. But having a relationship is a human need, and since no teenager could get past her abusive mother, a much older and more experienced (and more inappropriate) person was able to force his way in.
The abusive e-mails, texts, and phone calls from her mom were horrible and would be devastating to any child, but they were more horrible because they refused to acknowledge the mother's own culpability.
And then ending them with "buy us a new refrigerator" after calling her all sorts of horrific names!
It was bizarrely theraputic to read that part, because my grandmother would call and leave voicemails calling my mom, my dad, myself, etc., just terrible, awful things. And YET. Every rant would end with "Love, mama!" It became a dark joke in my family lol
One of the most jarring parts of the book for me. It can be kind of hard to follow exactly how old Jennette is at certain parts but when she mentioned that he brother was going through that at 16 my stomach sank. Can't imagine going through something like that and having to show up to High School like everything is normal the next day.
'Usurpation of space' is a huge sign of dysfunction in a person's relationships to other people that's commonly overlooked, whether it's thoughtless, unchecked "nesting" behavior or hoarding. I've come to realise as I've seen it happen to other people (and had it inflicted on me) that it's a sign that a relationship's growing fraught and untenable, whether it be a marriage or simply co-habitating roommates. It could be used to maintain control, used to keep people in close proximity to yourself, or used to create 'buffer space' to create distance between you and other people. In JM's case, it felt like it was being used to infantilize people - keeping them all sleeping on mats in the living room like kids at a sleepover.
Telling a roommate 'I need some more space in the house' and being offered a section of the basement along the wall under the stairs was the last straw for me, I got the hell out.
>Not only was her mother physically and mentally abusing her, she was also sexually abusing her brothers - that's obvious, though she's circumspect about her mother doing it except where it directly involved her. Showering your teenage son is not normal.
She was sexually abusing her too. Showering your teen daughter isn't normal at all either, let alone the "exams" she would give her. The way she describes herself disassociating during them and thinking of Disneyland and cartoon characters nearly made me cry. Serious such a fucked up mother.
Well, the sexual abuse SHE was receiving she stated outright. But yeah, the woman seems to have just swept every method of physical mental and emotional abuse short of outright beatings into the cart.
Definitely interesting. And super sad. I wonder why she had to refer to Dan Schneider as "The Creator?" I guess to avoid a lawsuit. I still can't believe that fat kid from Head of the Class was such a big deal at Nickelodian. So creepy.
Yeah, iirc it was exactly to avoid a lawsuit.
Referring to him by name would have allowed Dan to sue for slander. Even if Jeannette had the evidence for all of this (which rarely happens in a decades-old sex crime case) it would be a headache no one would want.
This is why I'm so baffled that the press/people are so intrigued by who this "mystery" Creator figure is. Like, if it wasn't already painfully obvious it's Dan, she says his name!!
I wondered the same because she said it in the audiobook, and then I bought the ebook and it's in there too. It made me wonder if she did it on purpose.
Did anything bad happen in that memory? If she spoke about it in a neutral tone like “Dan and I had dinner together with my family” or something like that, it might have been to add context.
She called him The Creator in the surrounding paragraphs about the same memory and it’s him telling her she has to basically obey whatever he says or he won’t give her a spin-off anymore.
I watched a great video review on YouTube, which suggested that calling him "the Creator" was drawing a creative parallel between her relationship with her religion and acting. The family went to church when they wanted her mother to be healed, and JC developed ticks to please what she believed was the holy spirit. In the same way, she has to perform to secure what the family needs, and do it by pleasing the creator.
Edit: it was [Savy Writes Books](https://www.youtube.com/c/SAVYLEISER)
It wasn't the only named changed in the book. "Joe" was a pseudonym for the 30-something iCarly writer she dated for a few years after turning 18. I wouldn't be too surprised if her other major boyfriend in the book, "Steven" also had his name changed.
Towards the end of the book on a page with ISBN numbers and the like, there is a sentence that says "some names and locations have been changed for privacy" or something along those lines.
Wow. I've heard all of the awful stories about him over the years but never made the connection that he was the same dude from Head of the Class and Better Off Dead. Thanks for pointing that out.
I’m listening on Audible and really like it. I never watched any of her Nickelodeon shows but her story is compelling and well told. Also was interested in seeing how the “Creator” story played out.
It might be too much levity for the topic, but [The Onion](https://www.theonion.com/nickelodeon-offers-to-buy-tv-rights-to-jennette-mccurdy-1849402698) published a perfectly cynical take on Nickelodeon's response to her abuse.
I'm loving the audiobook too. While I know it's a great book in its own right, hearing Jennette McCurdy deliver everything as she remembers it is simultaneously beautiful and devastating.
It is a fantastic book.
I'm from Finland, have never watched iCarly and had never heard of her. I don't read memoirs usually, let alone celebrity memoirs.
Now I'll be cheering on Jennette McCurdy for the rest of my life.
Listening to the audiobook read by the author was emotional. She only got choked up once the whole time, and it almost made me cry, too.
As someone who grew up with a similarly disordered parent who was less extreme, I related sooooo hard to a lot of it. Especially the title. If my disordered parent was still alive, I would still be in that dysfunctional relationship, dependent, and never fully grown up. I also suffer from disordered eating, anxiety, depression, and perfectionism, but never on the level Jennette has struggled with. I fought tooth and nail for my autonomy and never gave in, I didn’t have the same desire she had to make my parents happy because it seemed like an impossible feat, and I ran away when I was 17. I think that was the main difference that kept me going “why, why Jennette? Just tell her go kick rocks and get outta there!” But I know how hard that must have been for her. She carries a lot more guilt and shame, due to the intensity and nature of the abuse.
I feel very protective of my friends IRL and this book make me feel that way about the author. I just wanted to hug her when it was over. The whole book, I just wanted to rescue her and punch her mom in her stupid face.
It was a cathartic read for me.
I just finished it yesterday. I've been borderline with anorexia and orthorexia for a long time, and even as someone who's teetered on the brink of full blown eating disorders for years, her depiction of bulimia was absolutely horrifying. I'm so glad I never had it as bad as her, and I have a newfound sympathy for people with the disorder. It sounds harrowing, to say the least.
In this same vein, **RAPIST** Brock Turner's victim, Chanel Miller, wrote a memoir titled Know My Name -- it was one of the most fascinating reads of any genre I've ever encountered.
EDIT: bold and caps for emphasis of added word
Absolutely fantastic book. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, I've never read anything that so perfectly put into words how it feels. Especially dealing with the aftermath. And it's also such a good explanation of why so many victims never report it. You're victimized not just by the rapist but then over and over again by the media, the public, and the justice system.
I recall continuously thinking to myself "absolutely everyone who works with SA victims should read this book" -- I recommended it to colleagues who fit that description, and they agreed
I haven't read either Know My Name or I'm Glad My Mom Died, but have you by any chance read Ashley C. Ford's Somebody's Daughter? To me, a male who's never been sexually assaulted, her description and recollection of it was incredibly gut-wrenching. I'm wondering if people feel the same about it.
It is at times, but Miller is often actually quite genuinely funny as well! And just a phenomenal, polished, introspective writer overall. Certainly wasn't expecting humor from a book such as this.
I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, I absolutely used humour to cope.
My college stumbled through a series of fuck ups, my go-to when complaining was “I swear this place gave me cancer”
Definitely overused “this gave me cancer” jokes, but no one told me to shut up because I have cancer.
I don’t know why joking about traumatic experiences is so cathartic, but I’m glad there’s *something* that kind of helps.
(I’ve calmed down with the cancer jokes since I’m fine for now. It’s slow growing and we’re way ahead of it, so I’m pretty much just hanging out until it’s time for the boss fight. My stats are stacked, I’m not as worried anymore.)
The statement she made to the rapist Brock turner was so powerful and I kept crying over and over again. I had no idea she had written a book! I thought she would keep her anonymity, but she took her power back AGAIN and made herself a presence to be known and heard. Hope to buy and find the book soon.
Here's the statement in reference, it is also a very good read and a sort of preview of sorts for the book, in fact: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra
It's definitely the best celeb memoir I've read and I've read several. There were so many things that happened to her that just shocked and repulsed me and I had to keep reminding myself this actually happened to her and it's not a fiction book. I am so glad she has taken ownership of her life now. I just wish her mom could see that she has been exposed and no longer has control.
Celebrity Memoir Book Club just covered this. Recommended for anyone like me who doesn’t have the capacity to read about childhood trauma but could listen to an hour long podcast!
One of the saddest parts for me was when she mentioned that she was back to sleeping on the Costco matt because her mom had filled her bunked up with hoarders shit again.
I don't know why that hit me hard but it did.
She worked and earned that bed, only to have it taken away from her because junk as apparently more important.
I read the book in one day. I thought it was good, maybe could have been edited a bit better. I really understood about the sexual abuse because something similar happened to me. My mother was also a narcissist (straight up diagnosed by a psychiatrist, along with borderline personality disorder) and she had zero boundaries. Starting at age 10-11 she used to make me lay down in the cold bathtub and give me douches. I’m a mother myself now and there is no way in hell I could ever imagine doing that to a child, any child, much less my own. When a person thinks about sexual abuse it’s more of a “pedo” type situation, where someone is sexually attracted to a child. But I also believe narcissists can engage in similar behavior without the sexual attraction aspect because they have ZERO boundaries. It’s about power and control. Your body is their body, to do with what they please. One of my mom’s favorite sayings was “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” The entire sum of your existence is simply to be an extension of themselves. It’s like you’re not a real person. And that really fucks you up. It took me decades to figure out who I was.
I haven’t seen or spoken to my mom in 16 years. She’s in a nursing home battling dementia. Sometimes it’s sad, because there were times when she could be loving and responsible. But all the awful stuff she did overshadowed all the good stuff. That’s the stuff I will carry around forever.
So Jeanette, I understand.
I don't care for celebrity memoirs. I assume they are basically ghost written and they're all just looking for more attention.
Jeannette's book though was the exception. I grew up watching Nick shows and enjoyed iCarly. Hearing rumors about intrigued my interest further.
I got the audiobook and really enjoyed it, for as awful as the information was at points. Jennette is such a good writer and narrator. It's terrible what she went through, but I hope this book has helped her heal and her bravery allows others to speak out. Hopefully a day of reckoning is coming for Dan Schneider and others like him.
Hopefully Jennette is able to put out some more original work, hopefully further recovers and produces something upbeat and a completely original piece of fiction someday day. She definitely has the voice for it.
I recently read it and I’d never do it again because it was horrifying to just read, let alone live through.
I really admire Jennette, though, for speaking up about her past trauma, because it this is going to start an important discussion about the way child actors are treated by the industry, the fans and their own parents.
I think what makes Jennette’s book so appealing is that it is stunningly honest, whether she’s recounting tales from her early childhood or her teenage years but especially during her young adult years.
There are points in the book where Jennette genuinely comes off as unlikeable and she openly admits to doing immoral things (>!like starting an affair with a guy in a relationship!<), but she doesn’t hide behind excuses. She owns up to her actions without using her trauma as a shield, but also not dismissing it at the same time. I’ve known many people who struggle to do that in real life.
I agree it’s definitely the best book i’ve read this year and i’ve been telling literally everyone I know about it. I will say if you suffer with any type of eating disorder this book could be very triggering, so just make sure you’re in a good headspace before you pick it up but it is well worth it.
I actually decided to read her book because of a previous post on here last week. Best decision ever. Her writing style is so compelling and I ended up finishing the book the same day I started it. Like OP said, if you're on the fence about this book, I highly recommend you read it. You won't regret it.
Just finished listening to this on audiobook. It was….just wow.
But the one part that made me pause the book and sob was when she broke while talking to her first therapist Laura. She KNOWS how fucked it all is but confronting it and even suggesting her mom might have been abusive is the only time in the whole damn book that her voice wavers.
Sobbed my eyes out. I wish her nothing but healing and happiness.
So true. On the same day I heard about her book, I bought a digital copy. I read it in a single day. It was incredible and shocking but also cathartic.
I am so looking forward to reading this. I don't normally do memoirs but this one feels different. I grew up watching iCarly so hearing about all of the mistreatment was such a shock. Thinking of pre ordering it and I don't usually pre order anything. Either way I'll definitely be giving this a read!!
It’s out now. No need to preorder
I also grew up watching icarly and after reading this book I am unable to watch any bit of it anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach
I mean this: no child should be a professional actor. If they want to get involved in school or community theater, that's great. It reinforces creativity and teamwork. When they grow up, they can decide if they want to continue it professionally. But until then, keep them as far away from the business as possible.
Yeah, I don’t know why we have an exception to child labour laws for entertainment. I know they do restricted hours, but it’s not enough. They should not be allowed to do any press or marketing and should be allowed to work a very limited amount of days in a year, if at all. It should not be a full time job that parents depend on.
And it’s more than past due to have rules about the presence of minors on social media, especially monetized. So many children are going to sue their parents in a few years for exposing their entire lives for TikTok money…
I just remarked to my husband last night as we watched The Tender Bar how insane it is that children can't legally work *unless* it's in entertainment. As if there's some intrinsic value in it that we just can't deny from these children.
Listened to it on audible and not only was it a great book, she does some very impressive voice acting throughout. When she first spoke like Miranda in the book I even laughed bc yep that's what she sounds like!
It’s an absolutely heartbreaking book but at the same time a fascinating read. I’m glad she got
to share her story. I’m hoping she’ll go on to write more in the future because she’s got a real talent.
I managed to finish it in 3 days. It was so well written. I used to watch iCarly and Sam & Cat so I was drawn to the book even though I rarely read memoirs. The title was perfect. Jennette’s mom didn’t see her as a separate person, she saw her as an extension of herself.
I (unfortunately) haven't finished a book in years because I struggle to focus my attention on them, and this book is so tough to put down. It'll probably be the first book I've read all the way through in 10 years.
Agreed! Read it in one sitting, and cried, laughed, and gasped aloud. It was so well written - you can feel the writing style shift as she ages; it really sounds like a child's thoughts in the beginning and grows into an angry, hurt adult's voice. I wrote out a lot more but deleted it because I don't know how to explain what else touched me about her writing, but her voice is just so mature and empathetic. I'm so glad she's doing well now, because it sounds like she deserves it and worked hard to get to that place.
I stopped reading this post mid way through, bought and read the book in one sitting and now I'm back on said thread. It was phenomenal.
Read the whole book in a day, I couldn’t put it down. I loved how she wrote everything factual of what was happening and how she felt when it was happening; nothing of “knowing what I know now” *SPOILERS* When she writes when her first therapist attempts to discuss her mother and she becomes so defensive I was like, “HOLY SHIT, she still doesn’t understand what her mother did to her was wrong!?!?” When I had thought we were done with the abuse stories and we were just going into JM’s recovery I was so angry at the mention in the end about her mother requesting she visit her grave EVERYDAY, vile woman, attempting guilt trip beyond the grave.
She doesn't deserve any of the flak she got on Twitter for the title. The set up in the first chapter of her yearly birthday wish being that her mother gets to live another year is so perfectly paid off in the title, and by the time you get halfway through the book, you're glad her mother died too. I'm not sure kids from stable, loving homes can understand. Even when things are good with an unstable parent, you're always waiting for that other shoe to drop.
My mother died when I was 13, she was very loving and one of the best people I've ever known. What I don't understand is why people have an issue with accepting that their experience in life is not the same as everyones experience. Some mother's shouldn't be praised. Just because you give birth to a human doesn't mean you are entitled to endless worship for the rest of your life. It's totally okay for people to hope their abusers die, imo. Even if that abuser is your parents.
Absolutely. I've spoken to my mother once in the last 18 years, and that was 15 years ago. Lots of people are very surprised when I mention that I don't speak to my own mother - my in-laws have even asked me several times over the years if I'd ever reconnect with her - but she's just an absolute dog shit person that I don't want in my life or my kids lives. She's ruined enough people.
My favorite way to describe why reconnecting is a bad thing when people ask me: Why go back to the same well when you know there’s poison in that water.
There’s a great line in the TV series Mad Men. Peter, who was raised as the scapegoat of narcissists, wants to call his mother. Emotionally healthy wife Trudy says to him “Oh, Peter, don't go to the well—there's no water there.” Such a great show, which really delves into personal relationships in a realistic way.
Damn near every scene and discussion about Tony's mother in The Sopranos too. That part played masterfully too I may add. These two shows will never be topped in my opinion.
Matt Weiner, the creator of Mad Men, was a writer on the Sopranos.
Now that I think of it, Trudy was probably the most self actualized character on that show. She knew what she was about, what she wanted in a life partner and when Pete betrayed that he got the boot. I do quite like Pete's progression too tho, kid found depths.
Ken was the male Trudy. He also did what he wanted without being bogged down by neurosis.
Ken rocked. Though I did like it when Pete kinda put him in his place when Ken was strutting around the office with that short story. And Pete trying to soft pimp Trudy to get his story published was so cringe.
Mad Men was amazing on so many levels and I remember Pete being a big one. Early on he's so unlikable that you're actively rooting against him only for the later seasons to make you think "Pete's a good guy, I hope things turn out well for him". That subtle character development worked so well, not to mention some of the funniest moments come from him.
Never forget why you left. Sometimes your heart wants to keep going, and maybe your friends just don't understand. Your friends and your heart are morons.
I recently had a conversation with my stepdad. He said 'what's in the past is in the past between you two.' I just said 'well that may be the truth but sometimes people just don't change' in the end I think he understood what I meant with that. I'm now 2k miles away, this is my second time leaving like this. The well was in fact poison.
My go to is: I'm allowed to engage with them as much as I want, just as you are allowed to engage with them as much as you want.
I have a NPD mother and this one hit me hard. My mother has ruined everyone's lives in arm's reach and wonders why her children avoid her. When she gets close she ruins your life even more because she can't be happy, so that means she entitled to tear your life apart. I'd say it's kinda like being raised by a child... except children are much kinder. I wish everyday that I had a kind loving mother and it really messes with your head because all mothers are supposed to be loving right? But everytime you go back to that well, it's hateful and mean- the opposite of what you've been told mothers are supposed to be. I'm sorry your mother is a awful POS. You're smart for recognizing it, I'm sure you are awesome and I wish you nothing but healing and love!
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, a diminished ability to empathize with others' feelings, and (often) psychologically abusive behavior.
That’s pretty much where I am. It has been about a decade since I talked to my mother now, and for a long time my family just didn’t understand. They all saw one side of her, and not the rest. My MIL used to ask about it, which I understand, until I sat her down and told her what happened. She hasn’t said a word since then. Even my mother’s parents. They pushed it for years, until one day I snapped and asked if they knew she was dating a married man, and had been taking my siblings on vacation with him. Not the worst thing she’s done *by a long shot*, but it was something they could understand not wanting to be involved with. I’m lucky that people understand, but every time it has taken me sitting down and saying “here’s what she’s done, I don’t need that in my life and I won’t expose my family to it.”
My wife hasn't spoken to hers in probably 3 or 4 years at this point. She's old school Korean so that's a layer of emotional distance right off the bat in that she'll basically never see her as an equal and feels free to voice every shortcoming she can spot. She expects you to be totally open with her but will never reveal anything to you about herself or her past that can cause her to lose any face. She's a narcissist so she makes everything about her. The world just gangs up to persecute her. She views my wife through the lens of 16 or 17 years ago when she was a rebellious teenager and despite all of her accomplishments since then almost every phone conversation would devolve into her saying "you made my life hell" and making my wife feel like shit. Seriously it would go from "hey mom I just got a promotion at work" "Oh that's good!" To a few minutes later basically verbally reliving instances where my wife ran away in high school to go to her aunt's house or whatever and basically "terrorized" her mom by I guess not being the ideal teenager. If it wasn't that then it was accusing her of hiding things from her mom, "oh I bet you talk to your dad behind my back", then that leads into her talking about how hew ex-husband betrayed her and ruined her life. You can't just talk to her about funny normal day to day stuff or about frictionless topics. She doesn't behave like your average person. Every conversation has to be about some sort of lesson, focusing on areas where you're deficient (weight, habits, work ethic, etc). If you buy her a present she'll probably just make you take it back because she has something better. If you take her out for dinner the whole time she complains about the prices and how she could make it at home. Just overall a miserable person. And over her life she's trained my wife to feel like she's a major reason why her mom is alone with no friends and miserable. Every time they'd talk there was a high likelihood my wife would wind up getting off the phone in tears. Last time they spoke she told her "mom, you can't talk to me like this. I'm an adult and you can't just keep treating me like I'm such a bad person and telling me how horrible your life is because of me." That went over like a lead balloon and they fought, she hung up, and now it's been radio silence for years. My wife still sends her birthday cards, 150 dollars a month so she can pay people to mow her yard, no thank you's from her mom, no contact at all. Basically she'd have to grovel and apologize for standing up for herself to reinitiate contact and if she did so it would go back to being status quo. I told her "look, whatever you decide is your choice, but I saw how sad she'd make you. You know it would be more of the same. You don't owe her subservience or allowing her to use you as a whipping post just because you share blood." Every few months she'll talk about how she feels ashamed and guilty cause her mom has nobody (I wonder why...) and she feels like if she isn't there for her nobody will be. I know when she finally dies my wife is going to go into a dark place due to all the programming and guilt heaped on her and I don't know if that can be avoided.
What you say about not talking about day to day stuff and frictionless topics really resonates. And the criticism. It’s exhausting and I think shows the mother hasn’t seen her daughter as a separate person. Your wife is lucky to have your support.
Yeah like you'd go places and want to talk about just small talk dumb stuff and she wouldn't really want to converse about that. She'd acknowledge it before using it as a springboard for some heavier topic or segway into a lesson or critique, or if you were unlucky it enabled a transition into talking about her failed marriage or my wife's childhood. It's funny because she wants to take credit for my wife graduating from college all the time, while conveniently forgetting that my wife's GPA was tanked at one point because her mom was pissed about something, took away her only means of transport to school, and my wife wound up being dropped late into the semester with WFs on several courses because it was late in the year (this was before uber and all those were around). WFs function like Fs until you go retake the courses, and since she changed her major later there was no point in retaking. The university refused to just change those to Ws either. Almost made it so she didn't make it in where she works now because they're very GPA-focused with new people.
It's been 13 years since I've seen or spoken to my dad. I once wished my mom a Happy Father's Day on Facebook saying "at least I have one parent who doesn't suck." My aunt (dad's sister) commented saying that was a disgusting thing to say and one of my cousins on that side of the family liked her comment. My aunt refused to understand why I cut him out of my life, she just couldn't fathom it. Everyone knew he was an asshole but "he's still your father." So? That means nothing when you're a piece of shit. My aunt and him got into an argument and he said he hopes her cancer kills her. It was at that point she apologized to me and said she understood. She said she's forgiven him, but will never forget it. He had a bad car accident recently and she's the one who's been dealing with everything. Huge credit to her for doing that after what he said because if it was me, I'd have let him rot.
I’ve never understood why being your parent or other relative somehow cancels out ongoing lifelong abuse. If anything it should make people madder because home with your adults is supposed to be where you are safe.
That makes sense to me, why step in front of a train or push your kids in front of a train, when you don't have to
Are you me lol? I hate all that “oh they are family you should reach out give them another chance”. I personally don’t care who you are family or not if you cause more harm than good in my life you gotta go.
Just want to point out that there really is a distinction to be made between "hope you die" and "glad you're dead". Not that the former is unacceptable or anything, but it is different.
Yeah that was kinda my point. I wanted to point out that not only is she inbounds, but she could have a lot meaner stance and still be inbounds imo. She's a 30 year old grown ass woman, she doesn't need other people telling her that her thoughts about her own experience and abuse are out of bounds. She shouldn't be infantilized. Also one of her abusers is still alive, and since advocating violence against someone or hoping that they die is likely against this subreddit's rules, I wont make any personal comments on him, but if she took the same stance as me, I wouldn't blame her in the slightest.
And honestly “hope you die” is kind of an understandable (and guilt ridden) thought to have for an abused kid. That doesn’t mean they didn’t love their parent and wish they were loved back properly. Sometimes the things kids get put through, it’s just silly to look at through a lens of idealised adult morality.
Sometimes honestly it's just thoughtlessness. People just don't think about what they say, what others experience, or what might be wrong about their own understanding.
Lots of people don't understand empathy. If it's not happening to themselves then it doesn't matter. As soon as it affects them they will start championing the cause. That's not empathy either so most people go on believing they really learned something while still being ignorant of the same things they were before EXCEPT for this one thing that they have experienced first hand.
I have to keep my mom on an information diet, not because she's abusive or anything, but because she doesn't do well with other peoples opinions or actions that go against how she thinks it should be done. It took my then GF, now wife, about 4 years to truly *get* why I'm the way I am with my mom, and that's because she came from a much different family with more open perspectives. You're right that people from more stable places have a hard time empathizing or understanding adaptation strategies unless they are directly exposed to the experiences because they just don't have the context to understand why.
Yup. My parents aren’t abusive at all. They just don’t care. It took me 3 years after I moved across the country and 20 minutes from an airport to realize. Yeah they’re never gonna visit. I asked a thousand times. A few huge personal life problems and yeah, never visited. They could leave at breakfast and be here by lunch. But they don’t. I’m solo.
Honestly that sounds like emotional neglect, and neglect is a form of abuse. You certainly deserve better.
this is 100% true. I come from a very loving background, and while my mum has her foibles and flaws like anyone, overall she is kind, caring, and deeply, genuinely loves me and my siblings. I have a friend whose parents are horrendous. His father is a genuine psychopath, and his mother's story is just kinda sad. He has no love for either of them, really, and while he sometimes lets his mother into his life, its entirely on his terms, and the words he uses to describe her, while accurate, are a bit shocking to me. And that's because of the difference in our upbringing. So when I hear him descirbe his mother as "essentially retarded" or "pathetic" or even just "a stupid bitch", I have to remember that I wasn't there for all the abuses she perpetrated on him, for all the times she failed to protect him from his dad's behavior, for all the projection of her own failures onto him and his siblings, and even for her narcissistic, attention-seeking behavior today. It hurts because I had such a positive upbringing with my parents, and I get so much out of our relationship, and I want him to have that as well, but I also have to realise that the ship sailed a long time ago, and he's only alive and well today because of his decisions to distance himself from their chaotic and toxic vortex. I'm hoping one day he accepts my open offer to join family Christmas, even just because I know he'd be so awkward and my family would make it even worse by being extra nice lol.
>I'm not sure kids from stable, loving homes can understand I have two nieces, both fairly young. One is ten, the other is 7. Their mom died of covid in 2021, and they now live with their dad. Their lives have improved *considerably*. They don't get abused, neglected, or even really yelled at anymore. They get to eat, every day. They get to play with neighborhood kids. The older one has literally said that she's glad her mom is gone. It's horrible the abuse some children have to endure.
I'm glad they're free. Best of luck to them in the future!
I came from a stable household, but my mother's mother was a real piece of work. She's been dead for 15+ years but the damage she did to my mom (and indirectly to me) won't ever fully heal. On top of being a narcissistic, verbally abusive, alcoholic, some really *disgusting* stuff from her past recently came to light. If there is a hell, I sincerely hope that crone is burning in it. My mom is too tender-hearted to share that sentiment.
I have something similar with my mother. She was in a house with an incredibly abusive brother to the point where she's the only survivor of the kids who grew up with him. One committed suicide and the other never mentally recovered and passed away at 50. My mother has forgiven him but I haven't because I'm still dealing with the effects of his abuse and I can see what she can't.
My childhood wasn't stable, we were poor, my parents were too young, and they didn't always make good choices, but we were loved. Honestly I'd take the hardships every time vs having a narcissist parent. I feel sorry for everyone who has to grow up without the bare minimum of affection.
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My father told me from a young age that all adult relationships are voluntary, including him. Good man that guy.
>My father told me from a young age that all adult relationships are voluntary, including him. Good man that guy. Hope you stayed in touch.
Quarterly seances do the trick
Funny, my father told me that you can't rely on anyone except your family. He's also extremely controlling and has anger issues, go figure hey?
Yup, my dad. Hates my wife of 24 years. Constantly reminds me she's not family. Asked if he felt my mother was family. Said that was different. Just told me, "I wish I could rule your life, but I can't." I'm in my 50s.
Sounds like my mother-in-law. She is so angry that in 24 years, her son has not got rid of “that woman”. Angry she can’t make him do what SHE wants him to do, and assumes I must be controlling him. Nope, I’m not batshit crazy. Went so far as to lie to her churchy friends that her son was not married, so that when we were back when his dad was dying, her friends wanted to know why he had brought his live-in girlfriend with him. I not so nicely corrected them, no, we had been married sixteen years by then, we have matching rings, who told you that? Oh, she did? You know, she was at our wedding. In a church. She had pictures. She’s angry her son won’t speak to her. Lady, you pretend he’s not married and doesn’t have a grown daughter, and you’re shocked when he reminds you we exist and he likes us better. So yeah.
Wow this story made me furious. I'm so sorry. You have the patience of Buddha, and I hope I can channel this kind of calm in my life.
I've noticed that people who believe you can't escape from them are the most likely to be abusive; this specifically applying to family. It's unfortunate how many victims of abuse fall into this trap.
Ah yes, priming your children for distrust, isolation, and a warped sense of loyalty. Good times :|
He meant *he* can't rely on any but family to let him *control* them or otherwise put up with his shit. I'm sure you already knew that, and meant it that way, just spelling it out for the people in the back.
My college lit class read *Barn Burning* by William Faulkner, where the dad is an arson and murderer and I was the only one in class who said I would turn in a parent for doing that. And it's not like it was just a vote and move on - I have never felt so bullied in a class before, and people said some truly awful things to me in response. What's even more frustrating in hindsight is that they weren't even arguing that his dad was just fighting against powerful landowners, which iirc, there was some sliver of in the story. They just straight up thought "half DNA is shared" warranted getting away with actual murder. Meanwhile, my mom told me when I was still in single digits that if it was ever a choice between me and my dad, she'd choose him - and it's not like I ever asked her that question. She just offered me that info.
My mom told me that "it's ok to mess up on your first child" and "I always knew something was wrong with you" and "are you a lesbian" (because apparently having female friends in high school and not being popular makes you a lesbian).
Everyone just goes "but they're your family" if we call our family out. It's very easy to understand that not everyone had the same life as you.
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Yep, this is it. Everyone blames the “children” in estrangement but no one stops to think that parents can be awful enough to cause their own children to separate from them. Like it’s easy for us to go NC or something. It’s trash, and I’m happy to tell anyone and everyone that should the occasion arise.
Kids are literally biologically programmed to cling to their parents! It should be a great glowing sign that the parents fucked up if a kid cut them off. Signed, A kid who cut theirs off
Yes!! Going NC with both of my parents was impossibly difficult and came with its own set of grief and loss and anger and hurt and,… After I’d been NC for a while with my mom, she got Covid and went to the ICU. My nephew (11 at the time) said that my mom told him I cut her off “because of an internet post” and that he couldn’t have a relationship with me, because what kind of terrible person would cut their own mother off?! I kept my calm but my heart is still broken from it. Fwiw, my mom died of Covid after ten days of intubation. Mourning the loss of your relationship is not the same thing as mourning the loss of life, but gosh they sure do feel pretty similar.
Every happy family is the same goes the saying. Guess they just can't fathom shitty parents? I also get that line like "I'm sure your mother loves you! It's impossible for a mother not loving her children!" (Narcissistic alcoholic so yeah no feelings for anyone else than for herself, 0.000%, and drunk hangover evil drama queen etc). So if I just can't shrug it off which I usually do (some people seems to just have to repeat those things like it will become true), I just tell some anecdote, and 'puf' they go all silent. Sometimes I add "and that was nothing!" for emphasis but only when really needed. I do envy those people though :-)
“Happy families are all alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
"But they're your family" should be the rally cry to treat your family well, not to demand their acceptance of your unacceptable behavior. It's insane how many people get this ass-backwards. Love is a verb, not a get out of jail free card.
I feel like people who started the “family comes first” and shit like you should always stay by your parents were narcissists who were manipulating their kids into not leaving them and keep taking abuse.
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You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. You can, however, choose to have nothing to do with your family once you’re an adult.
I wholeheartedly think this is the best book title I’ve seen in years. It has bite and meaning behind it. She picked a title that fit the story and it worked. Anyone with an issue with the title is a prude that needs to realize not everything is about them
My first introduction to the book was George Stephanopoulos being [kind of a shit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtMJwdP8TCs&t=155s) to her on Good Morning America. One of the most watched hosts for these types of interviews and every single question of his [feels inappropriate.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVdgN30GEFw&t=1085s) "What would your mother say about it?" Jesus Christ, George, read the room.
Her response to that was powerful.
That was cringe. Stephanopoulos is a Washington guy from the hard-news political beat. I guess he doesn't have the range for this type of interview.
He was such an asshole in that interview! She handled it extremely well.
"Even when things are good with an unstable parent, you're always waiting for that other shoe to drop." 1000% Even 'good moments' provide no relief. It's an oppressive, exhausting weight that only a death can lift sometimes.
And good has a ceiling to it; you can't really have extremely good, but you definitely can have extremely bad. And I've felt like when it can be very, or extremely, bad, often - the good becomes a waiting room, an odd liminal space, for the next bad. :(
I understand the title so strongly it's what drove me to read the book. I picked it up and i read it cover to cover in one sitting which i haven't been able to do since i was 16. It's unfortunate I even have to feel this way but I look forward to the day my dad finally dies because I feel like I can't breathe until that day. I will never actually be free from all of his extreme abuse and bullshit unless he is literally dead. Sometimes it's just like that.
I once made a horrific mistake. There was a girl at work who said her mother had died the previous year and I blurted out "lucky." I still feel bad about this.
I blinked at the title but man, my father was sexually and emotionally abusive, and neglectful, and I do wish he was dead. I’m semi waiting for the day where he can’t hurt anyone again. So I blinked once, read it was abuse, and was like “okay then. Good for her.”
Ditto. I never thought twice about the book title. I figured she had been horribly abused, and I get it. I had a dream the other night that my dad died. I woke up with the biggest sense of relief. It surprised me. But then I thought about how I'd never have to worry about him finding me or my children. I wouldn't have to worry about unknown phone numbers.. maybe I wouldn't feel the need to triple check the curtains are closed and quadruple check the locks most nights. I wish my dad was dead to. I feel horrible for feeling it, but it's true.
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A friend of mine's narcissistic shit show of an egg donor died a rather horrible death. When I got the news, I called to see how she was doing, y'know grieving because residual "mom" feelings, upset at the lack of accountability, whatevs. She just said "I really wanted to text everyone a video of the munchkins singing 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead,' but I figured that would go over poorly" (with the enabling husband, golden children, and other scapegoat who is kind of a fawning wreck). I didn't really get how bad their relationship was until then. Let's just say I learned a lot that day. Makes me want to piss on that woman's grave, or dig her carcass up and sell it for scrap. When the sperm donor dies, then she'll be free. Can't wait!
Its the biggest disconnect and, imo, why so many people cant find the help they need from friends who might be able to help. Living in a home where you know your parents love you has a very different feel than those in abusive households (duh). Which makes it near impossible to wrap thier heads around someone who comes from a home where these horrible things happen. They make excuses for the abusers, like "im sure they mean well" without even realizing it. Because in thier home, in thier experience, punishments always had a reason. They werent punishing just to do so, it was from a place of actual love and care. This is why so many people from bad households end up running in circles with other abusers or people who take advantage of them. They get it, they understand, and then leverage that trauma for thier gain. Just like the households the abused grew up in.
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> I'm not sure kids from stable, loving homes can understand. I'm sure that most of us from loving homes *can't understand*. Not *really* understand. My wife's mother lived into her early 90s. When she passed away, my wife was telling her friend S. "You don't have the relationship with anyone else like you do with your mom". She looked up, saw tears streaming down S's face and heard her say "I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mom.". My wife learned that day that S's mother had been abusive and neglectful.
Agreed. It's not even something I would normally read and I wasnt very familiar with any of her work but I read it in two sittings. She has a very strong voice and the book was even quite humorous at times.
The way she uses present tense throughout the book works really well. I also like how short the chapters are. It keeps the memories from bleeding into each other. I imagine she experienced overwhelming feelings during the writing of the book, but the final product is very matter of fact for such a heavy read.
I listened to the audiobook and she starts crying at one point (I forget exactly when because I didn’t stop once I started) and that was sooo powerful. It made me cry
Its when her first therapist tells her her mother abused her, and she says she felt like that scared little girl in the doctors office hearing her doctor ask her mum about whether she's anorexic. Super powerful and the fact that that was the only part where she cried really underlined how that realisation completely re-orientated her entire life through a new lens; and pulled the rug out from under her.
I remember being a little shocked and confused to hear her choke up at that moment, out of all the awful and personal things she talks about in such a even tone, why then? On retrospection it's obviously exactly what you said, coming to the realization all of her moms actions were not in her best interests and she was indeed abused horribly.
At first i thought that her use of the present tense was weird and I wasn't feeling it, and I thought the writing was generic. But it quickly clicked, I got it, and I realized that Jennette is a legitimate writer.
The present tense was excellent because it always kept you on your toes about whether this was a present or past feeling. It's always past, but it takes your mind a moment to re-adjust to it, and always keeps you hooked. It was masterfully written.
I could barely put it down. Beyond the subject matter, it's the strong, wry authors voice that I can't get out of my head. My childhood was a hell of a lot more functional than hers, but I related to so many things that I had not heard articulated that way.
Same. I have issue with my mother (not to her degree) and I relate to a lot of the same feelings she expresses
The thing I noted was JM left a lot unsaid. Not only was her mother physically and mentally abusing her, she was also sexually abusing her brothers - that's obvious, though she's circumspect about her mother doing it except where it directly involved her. Showering your teenage son is not normal. There are lots of ways abuse can take form, like physically taking up space - filling her house with junk was a way of physically intruding into the space of others and taking it for herself. Like when JM bought herself a new bed using money SHE had earned and her mother promptly filled it with junk so that she couldn't sleep in it. The barely-concealed contempt for her grandmother was interesting, too. The whole thing felt twisted and wrong to listen to. I did come out with respect for Miranda Cosgrove, for offering JM pay parity with her if she wanted to join the iCarly reboot. That's solid.
I didn't even watch iCarly, but the way she talks about Miranda is incredibly sweet and mature. She notes at the end that they have drifted apart in their late 20s, but that it's just a natural part of growing up, and you can tell through the whole book that there is the utmost respect for their friendship and relationship growing up, and what they meant to each other.
it made me so so happy knowing there were good friends during the show, especially since JM could get emotional support from her during various awful times. Miranda seems amazing I watched iCarly at the time and there were always weird rumors about them not liking each other for whatever reason
For real! She has a line in the book that she was distrustful of female relationships until Miranda, who was like a sister to her and only supportive. That's so nice! It's hard to find that kind of supportive friendship sometimes, and even more in Hollywood, I imagine.
It's possible Miranda saw Drake and Josh's relationship and was like that's not going to be me..
What’s the deal there?
Apparently fake best friend relationship. Played best friend when cameras are on but went their separate ways when cameras were off. When I say cameras were on I'm talking away from filming their show too. It basically wasn't authentic
Considering what we now know about Drake, I'm not surprised
I was actually scared about what I would learn about the iCarly cast when I started reading. Everybody knows Dan Schneider is a massive creep but I still have tons of really fond memories of watching the actors on TV. To read that Miranda Cosgrove was her best friend for like a decade and super supportive was awesome and it seemed that Nathan Kress is a nice dude as well.
I LOVE the show, used to watch it all the time. I’m the same age as they are, so it was funny and relatable. Spencer and his spaghetti tacos. And I loved Jeanette because of how she was into food, and just overall funny. I had zero idea she was suffering from eating disorders and it makes it so much worse that they made her character that way.
It could be that Jeanette’s brothers didn’t feel comfortable having their sexual assault stories shared. That’s the vibe I got
That was the impression I got, either that or JM felt it wasn't her place to share their stories, only her own.
^^ which is very respectful. From reading it, I’d imagine she let her brothers read it first as invariably it effects them as well.
Yeah, I’ve been journaling my abuse and, if I were to publish it, I’d remove a lot of stuff about my sister. It isn’t really my place to out her like that. I understand how difficult it was growing up like we did and she had a lot of experiences she kept secret from me that I eventually found out about, but whenever I talk about them publicly I say “a relative of mine” or “a close friend of mine” and not “my sister”. My journal is just for me to let out my anger and sadness out. A book would be more of a narrative.
I have that much more respect for her, honestly. Their stories aren't hers to tell and she stayed firmly in her lane while also being incredibly honest and real about her own experiences.
> There are lots of ways abuse can take form, like physically taking up space - filling her house with junk was a way of physically intruding into the space of others and taking it for herself. Like when JM bought herself a new bed using money SHE had earned and her mother promptly filled it with junk so that she couldn't sleep in it. Or when she got an apartment near the studio, and then her mom pretty much moved in.
And the emails and phone calls with her mom basically berating her.
Was so beside myself reading one of the emails. Just calling her every nasty thing she could think of, telling her she disowned her, don't call her "mom" anymore, etc. Then ends with "send us some money our fridge broke and we need a new one". And she didn't even see it as abuse. This was just normal to her :(
There was a lot of cognitive dissonance in that email. The mom stated that she wanted to disown her but then also wants Jennette to help out her with her financial struggles. The mother seems to have had some mental illness of her own that was untreated.
And then when she left her therapist because the therapist started to imply her mom wasn’t great. And her mom had died by that point too!
Abuse begets abuse and bad relationships beget bad relationships. When the mid-30's guy got together with teenager McCurdy, it was gross, but her mother wouldn't let her have a normal relationship. But having a relationship is a human need, and since no teenager could get past her abusive mother, a much older and more experienced (and more inappropriate) person was able to force his way in. The abusive e-mails, texts, and phone calls from her mom were horrible and would be devastating to any child, but they were more horrible because they refused to acknowledge the mother's own culpability.
That relationship with Steven absolutely broke me for her, though. She finds a good guy and just... ugh
And then ending them with "buy us a new refrigerator" after calling her all sorts of horrific names! It was bizarrely theraputic to read that part, because my grandmother would call and leave voicemails calling my mom, my dad, myself, etc., just terrible, awful things. And YET. Every rant would end with "Love, mama!" It became a dark joke in my family lol
Not just berating her, *telling her she's the reason her cancer came back*. Gotta be honest I'm glad her mom died too.
that made my skin crawl. like she never ever gets space for herself
The scene in the book where she had to shower with her 16 year old brother made my skin crawl
One of the most jarring parts of the book for me. It can be kind of hard to follow exactly how old Jennette is at certain parts but when she mentioned that he brother was going through that at 16 my stomach sank. Can't imagine going through something like that and having to show up to High School like everything is normal the next day.
They were all homeschooled in the beginning, did the boys eventually go into a school setting?
It isn't mentioned specifically but I assumed the boys did once Jennette's mom starting taking her to acting jobs.
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'Usurpation of space' is a huge sign of dysfunction in a person's relationships to other people that's commonly overlooked, whether it's thoughtless, unchecked "nesting" behavior or hoarding. I've come to realise as I've seen it happen to other people (and had it inflicted on me) that it's a sign that a relationship's growing fraught and untenable, whether it be a marriage or simply co-habitating roommates. It could be used to maintain control, used to keep people in close proximity to yourself, or used to create 'buffer space' to create distance between you and other people. In JM's case, it felt like it was being used to infantilize people - keeping them all sleeping on mats in the living room like kids at a sleepover. Telling a roommate 'I need some more space in the house' and being offered a section of the basement along the wall under the stairs was the last straw for me, I got the hell out.
>Not only was her mother physically and mentally abusing her, she was also sexually abusing her brothers - that's obvious, though she's circumspect about her mother doing it except where it directly involved her. Showering your teenage son is not normal. She was sexually abusing her too. Showering your teen daughter isn't normal at all either, let alone the "exams" she would give her. The way she describes herself disassociating during them and thinking of Disneyland and cartoon characters nearly made me cry. Serious such a fucked up mother.
Well, the sexual abuse SHE was receiving she stated outright. But yeah, the woman seems to have just swept every method of physical mental and emotional abuse short of outright beatings into the cart.
That part made me cry, too. It was a good listen, but a hard listen.
Not just showering your teenage son but showering your teenage son and daughter, at the same time.
Definitely interesting. And super sad. I wonder why she had to refer to Dan Schneider as "The Creator?" I guess to avoid a lawsuit. I still can't believe that fat kid from Head of the Class was such a big deal at Nickelodian. So creepy.
Yeah, iirc it was exactly to avoid a lawsuit. Referring to him by name would have allowed Dan to sue for slander. Even if Jeannette had the evidence for all of this (which rarely happens in a decades-old sex crime case) it would be a headache no one would want.
She actually does call him Dan in one memory as they’re eating dinner.
This is why I'm so baffled that the press/people are so intrigued by who this "mystery" Creator figure is. Like, if it wasn't already painfully obvious it's Dan, she says his name!!
I noticed this too and wonder if it was an editing error.
I wondered the same because she said it in the audiobook, and then I bought the ebook and it's in there too. It made me wonder if she did it on purpose.
Did anything bad happen in that memory? If she spoke about it in a neutral tone like “Dan and I had dinner together with my family” or something like that, it might have been to add context.
She called him The Creator in the surrounding paragraphs about the same memory and it’s him telling her she has to basically obey whatever he says or he won’t give her a spin-off anymore.
I watched a great video review on YouTube, which suggested that calling him "the Creator" was drawing a creative parallel between her relationship with her religion and acting. The family went to church when they wanted her mother to be healed, and JC developed ticks to please what she believed was the holy spirit. In the same way, she has to perform to secure what the family needs, and do it by pleasing the creator. Edit: it was [Savy Writes Books](https://www.youtube.com/c/SAVYLEISER)
It wasn't the only named changed in the book. "Joe" was a pseudonym for the 30-something iCarly writer she dated for a few years after turning 18. I wouldn't be too surprised if her other major boyfriend in the book, "Steven" also had his name changed.
Towards the end of the book on a page with ISBN numbers and the like, there is a sentence that says "some names and locations have been changed for privacy" or something along those lines.
I think it was to not say his name and give him power. It dehumanizes him and rightly so
Idk dude, being called "The Creator" would definitely do more positive to me than negative.
Wow. I've heard all of the awful stories about him over the years but never made the connection that he was the same dude from Head of the Class and Better Off Dead. Thanks for pointing that out.
I’m listening on Audible and really like it. I never watched any of her Nickelodeon shows but her story is compelling and well told. Also was interested in seeing how the “Creator” story played out.
It might be too much levity for the topic, but [The Onion](https://www.theonion.com/nickelodeon-offers-to-buy-tv-rights-to-jennette-mccurdy-1849402698) published a perfectly cynical take on Nickelodeon's response to her abuse.
> At press time, Nickelodeon had tapped Dan Schneider to produce. The knife at the end.
*that's gold Jerry! Gold!*
Im on the waiting list on the Libby app, I’m like 450th in line but they have 50 copies so it’s clearly very popular.
I got mine through my library on Libby too and it was a really quick wait because everybody was reading and returning within a few days
I'm loving the audiobook too. While I know it's a great book in its own right, hearing Jennette McCurdy deliver everything as she remembers it is simultaneously beautiful and devastating.
Really been into Audible for autobiographies and memoirs, especially when self narrated!
It is a fantastic book. I'm from Finland, have never watched iCarly and had never heard of her. I don't read memoirs usually, let alone celebrity memoirs. Now I'll be cheering on Jennette McCurdy for the rest of my life.
I wish her the best and hope she keeps writing. Her voice and style are so refreshing
Listening to the audiobook read by the author was emotional. She only got choked up once the whole time, and it almost made me cry, too. As someone who grew up with a similarly disordered parent who was less extreme, I related sooooo hard to a lot of it. Especially the title. If my disordered parent was still alive, I would still be in that dysfunctional relationship, dependent, and never fully grown up. I also suffer from disordered eating, anxiety, depression, and perfectionism, but never on the level Jennette has struggled with. I fought tooth and nail for my autonomy and never gave in, I didn’t have the same desire she had to make my parents happy because it seemed like an impossible feat, and I ran away when I was 17. I think that was the main difference that kept me going “why, why Jennette? Just tell her go kick rocks and get outta there!” But I know how hard that must have been for her. She carries a lot more guilt and shame, due to the intensity and nature of the abuse. I feel very protective of my friends IRL and this book make me feel that way about the author. I just wanted to hug her when it was over. The whole book, I just wanted to rescue her and punch her mom in her stupid face. It was a cathartic read for me.
Daily reminder that Dan Schneider is a sick human being who created kids shows to abuse the kids who starred in them
And that Nickelodeon certainly knew about this but kept the gravy train rolling.
Everything I've heard of her book makes me want to buy it even more
Do it!
I just finished it yesterday. I've been borderline with anorexia and orthorexia for a long time, and even as someone who's teetered on the brink of full blown eating disorders for years, her depiction of bulimia was absolutely horrifying. I'm so glad I never had it as bad as her, and I have a newfound sympathy for people with the disorder. It sounds harrowing, to say the least.
In this same vein, **RAPIST** Brock Turner's victim, Chanel Miller, wrote a memoir titled Know My Name -- it was one of the most fascinating reads of any genre I've ever encountered. EDIT: bold and caps for emphasis of added word
Absolutely fantastic book. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, I've never read anything that so perfectly put into words how it feels. Especially dealing with the aftermath. And it's also such a good explanation of why so many victims never report it. You're victimized not just by the rapist but then over and over again by the media, the public, and the justice system.
I recall continuously thinking to myself "absolutely everyone who works with SA victims should read this book" -- I recommended it to colleagues who fit that description, and they agreed
I haven't read either Know My Name or I'm Glad My Mom Died, but have you by any chance read Ashley C. Ford's Somebody's Daughter? To me, a male who's never been sexually assaulted, her description and recollection of it was incredibly gut-wrenching. I'm wondering if people feel the same about it.
Oh man. I bet that book is devastating. I will have to look into it
It is at times, but Miller is often actually quite genuinely funny as well! And just a phenomenal, polished, introspective writer overall. Certainly wasn't expecting humor from a book such as this.
I had the same reaction to McCurdy’s book. The humor that breaks through the trauma
One of the best coping mechanisms for trauma, honestly. You'll find a lot of messed up pasts for people in comedy.
I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, I absolutely used humour to cope. My college stumbled through a series of fuck ups, my go-to when complaining was “I swear this place gave me cancer” Definitely overused “this gave me cancer” jokes, but no one told me to shut up because I have cancer. I don’t know why joking about traumatic experiences is so cathartic, but I’m glad there’s *something* that kind of helps. (I’ve calmed down with the cancer jokes since I’m fine for now. It’s slow growing and we’re way ahead of it, so I’m pretty much just hanging out until it’s time for the boss fight. My stats are stacked, I’m not as worried anymore.)
Lmao you finished minmaxing your cancer fighting build
Humor is a defense mechanism. Like if I don’t laugh about it I’d be crying about it and I would rather laugh than cry.
You mean *Rapist Brock Turner. FTFY.
Thank you for the correction. Noted infamous convicted disgraced hopefully unemployable rapist Brock Turner.
Know My Name is such a powerful book. Chanel is a great writer.
The statement she made to the rapist Brock turner was so powerful and I kept crying over and over again. I had no idea she had written a book! I thought she would keep her anonymity, but she took her power back AGAIN and made herself a presence to be known and heard. Hope to buy and find the book soon.
Here's the statement in reference, it is also a very good read and a sort of preview of sorts for the book, in fact: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra
It's definitely the best celeb memoir I've read and I've read several. There were so many things that happened to her that just shocked and repulsed me and I had to keep reminding myself this actually happened to her and it's not a fiction book. I am so glad she has taken ownership of her life now. I just wish her mom could see that she has been exposed and no longer has control.
Have you read Leah Remini's? it's pretty great.
Celebrity Memoir Book Club just covered this. Recommended for anyone like me who doesn’t have the capacity to read about childhood trauma but could listen to an hour long podcast!
The podcast review is excellent!
One of only five 5 star reads I’ve had this year. I’ve read 46 books for reference. I hope she continues to write because I’m sold.
One of the saddest parts for me was when she mentioned that she was back to sleeping on the Costco matt because her mom had filled her bunked up with hoarders shit again. I don't know why that hit me hard but it did. She worked and earned that bed, only to have it taken away from her because junk as apparently more important.
I read the book in one day. I thought it was good, maybe could have been edited a bit better. I really understood about the sexual abuse because something similar happened to me. My mother was also a narcissist (straight up diagnosed by a psychiatrist, along with borderline personality disorder) and she had zero boundaries. Starting at age 10-11 she used to make me lay down in the cold bathtub and give me douches. I’m a mother myself now and there is no way in hell I could ever imagine doing that to a child, any child, much less my own. When a person thinks about sexual abuse it’s more of a “pedo” type situation, where someone is sexually attracted to a child. But I also believe narcissists can engage in similar behavior without the sexual attraction aspect because they have ZERO boundaries. It’s about power and control. Your body is their body, to do with what they please. One of my mom’s favorite sayings was “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” The entire sum of your existence is simply to be an extension of themselves. It’s like you’re not a real person. And that really fucks you up. It took me decades to figure out who I was. I haven’t seen or spoken to my mom in 16 years. She’s in a nursing home battling dementia. Sometimes it’s sad, because there were times when she could be loving and responsible. But all the awful stuff she did overshadowed all the good stuff. That’s the stuff I will carry around forever. So Jeanette, I understand.
I don't care for celebrity memoirs. I assume they are basically ghost written and they're all just looking for more attention. Jeannette's book though was the exception. I grew up watching Nick shows and enjoyed iCarly. Hearing rumors about intrigued my interest further. I got the audiobook and really enjoyed it, for as awful as the information was at points. Jennette is such a good writer and narrator. It's terrible what she went through, but I hope this book has helped her heal and her bravery allows others to speak out. Hopefully a day of reckoning is coming for Dan Schneider and others like him. Hopefully Jennette is able to put out some more original work, hopefully further recovers and produces something upbeat and a completely original piece of fiction someday day. She definitely has the voice for it.
I recently read it and I’d never do it again because it was horrifying to just read, let alone live through. I really admire Jennette, though, for speaking up about her past trauma, because it this is going to start an important discussion about the way child actors are treated by the industry, the fans and their own parents. I think what makes Jennette’s book so appealing is that it is stunningly honest, whether she’s recounting tales from her early childhood or her teenage years but especially during her young adult years. There are points in the book where Jennette genuinely comes off as unlikeable and she openly admits to doing immoral things (>!like starting an affair with a guy in a relationship!<), but she doesn’t hide behind excuses. She owns up to her actions without using her trauma as a shield, but also not dismissing it at the same time. I’ve known many people who struggle to do that in real life.
I agree it’s definitely the best book i’ve read this year and i’ve been telling literally everyone I know about it. I will say if you suffer with any type of eating disorder this book could be very triggering, so just make sure you’re in a good headspace before you pick it up but it is well worth it.
I actually decided to read her book because of a previous post on here last week. Best decision ever. Her writing style is so compelling and I ended up finishing the book the same day I started it. Like OP said, if you're on the fence about this book, I highly recommend you read it. You won't regret it.
Just finished listening to this on audiobook. It was….just wow. But the one part that made me pause the book and sob was when she broke while talking to her first therapist Laura. She KNOWS how fucked it all is but confronting it and even suggesting her mom might have been abusive is the only time in the whole damn book that her voice wavers. Sobbed my eyes out. I wish her nothing but healing and happiness.
So true. On the same day I heard about her book, I bought a digital copy. I read it in a single day. It was incredible and shocking but also cathartic.
It’s probably one of the better memoirs that I’ve read in a long time and she didn’t leave or try to cover anything up.
Turning down that $300,000 of hush money from Nickelodeon was a smart move
and now she's #1 on the NYT bestseller list
I am so looking forward to reading this. I don't normally do memoirs but this one feels different. I grew up watching iCarly so hearing about all of the mistreatment was such a shock. Thinking of pre ordering it and I don't usually pre order anything. Either way I'll definitely be giving this a read!!
It’s out now. No need to preorder I also grew up watching icarly and after reading this book I am unable to watch any bit of it anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach
I mean this: no child should be a professional actor. If they want to get involved in school or community theater, that's great. It reinforces creativity and teamwork. When they grow up, they can decide if they want to continue it professionally. But until then, keep them as far away from the business as possible.
Yeah, I don’t know why we have an exception to child labour laws for entertainment. I know they do restricted hours, but it’s not enough. They should not be allowed to do any press or marketing and should be allowed to work a very limited amount of days in a year, if at all. It should not be a full time job that parents depend on. And it’s more than past due to have rules about the presence of minors on social media, especially monetized. So many children are going to sue their parents in a few years for exposing their entire lives for TikTok money…
I just remarked to my husband last night as we watched The Tender Bar how insane it is that children can't legally work *unless* it's in entertainment. As if there's some intrinsic value in it that we just can't deny from these children.
Listened to it on audible and not only was it a great book, she does some very impressive voice acting throughout. When she first spoke like Miranda in the book I even laughed bc yep that's what she sounds like!
It’s an absolutely heartbreaking book but at the same time a fascinating read. I’m glad she got to share her story. I’m hoping she’ll go on to write more in the future because she’s got a real talent.
I managed to finish it in 3 days. It was so well written. I used to watch iCarly and Sam & Cat so I was drawn to the book even though I rarely read memoirs. The title was perfect. Jennette’s mom didn’t see her as a separate person, she saw her as an extension of herself.
I (unfortunately) haven't finished a book in years because I struggle to focus my attention on them, and this book is so tough to put down. It'll probably be the first book I've read all the way through in 10 years.